April 5th.
I have forgotten about this day, mostly. Sometimes it gets me. It's an anniversary. April 5, 1993. What is that...18 years ago? EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO. Wow. Almost 2 decades.
I know you're probably wondering what it was, 18 years ago, and I will choose to not share that. And you can mark it down as probably the only thing I keep to myself. Oh, I know there are a few of you out there that know it, even if you don't know that you know.
I broke many hearts on that day. My mom and dads, at least 2 of my friends who loved me, my sister...not to mention what it did to my own.
Have you ever made a choice, a choice that many...most? people would look at and judge as unloving, when in truth you made it out of love?
I am free in many ways that I would not be had I made a different choice. I would have a much larger nightmare that would haunt me, in the way of abusiveness that would not go away. Not just abusive to me, but to people that I love and care for deeply. Getting away from it would have been even harder than it already was. How many more police calls would there have been?
Yes, I am free from monsters.
It came at a price though, oh yes it did. But if you put me right back there now today, in the same situation, I'd choose out of love again, and walk the same path.
18 eighteen years ago.
Did *I* just make *you* swear??? :D Not sure what part you were "shitting"- the fact that it sounded like I killed someone (hahahah I laughed when I re read it), or the fact that some of the most horrible things I have gotten to experience happened when I was just a little freakin girl. I guess I should be happy that it's so far away and I never have to go back to that time, but at the same time I want to hug that little girl and tell her that things turn out better than she could even guess, even with the horrible place she was in for awhile there. I would never commit suicide, but back then when I wished to OFTEN one of the things that kept me from doing it is my belief that we don't go to hell when we commit suicide, but that we actually CHOOSE to go back and do a "do over" of that same life and I was too scared that without the knowledge that I'd try and "failed" already at that life, I'd make the same stupid choices and end up in the same place anyway. That's how scared I am or was of going back to that time. And it's all relative. Many have been through much, much worse. And I DID get away from my mess. Look at me now, Mom! I can fly!
ReplyDeleteI guess it was because how bad things must have been. I mean, that you broke your parent's hearts. It makes me wonder how that happened and how it was good for you. How do you break your parents hearts while at the same time getting away from abuse. So, yeah. That was why.
ReplyDeleteThings were bad, indeed. Imagine an eating disordered girl in an abusive relationship (imagine if you will "you want to hurt me? You think I deserve it? Yeah? I want to hurt me MORE, and you can't stop me. AND I'll hurt myself worse!") for a couple of years. If that's not enough to make a couple of parents feel like they are losing their minds, ...well, I threw a couple of other things into the mix also.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as I said, I'd do it all over again if I were there now, and more than anything I'm grateful I'm NOT there now, and that my beautiful life is just that...radiantly beautiful. AND I'm a big enough snob to believe that I deserve it. :) (tongue in cheek because for so long I didn't think I deserved anything except the hurt and abuse). XO