The First Time

I've posted this at least a million times before. But I've got another newbie, a newly pregnant princess. I can't tell her any of this stuff because she'll get enough of that from the rest of the world.
This girl is the youngest of 6. ALL of her older siblings are BOYS. She brings a whole new meaning to PRINCESS. But the thing is- she's the most level headed girl I know. SO level headed. Better with money than all of her brothers combined. Smart, smart, SMART girlie here.
BUT- but- just as we all were before we had kids, she is about herself. Not in the horrible way that it sounds, and she's had a WEE taste of parenthood since she has 2 step daughters, but it is not the same.
We either were trying to get pregnant or we get a surprise, but either way- one thing is for sure. The second that tests pops up positive, nothing is ever the same again for us girls. Immediately, we become aware that we are suddenly actually DOING this thing that we've been chasing after, and there is no break, as in "Gee, I really want a bottle of wine tonight...I'm not going to be pregnant for one night so I can get loaded." No, there's no breaks. You might be sober cab to the annoying, irritating drunks for the next 9 months, but you don't get to be one of them (or should I say PLEASE don't be one of them!!!). it happens right away.
Some girls feel sick and others never do, but your body starts changing no matter what. If you do get sick, however- that is hard. It's hard because you don't feel like you, and you realize that your boyfriend/husband has no freakin clue, and usually the sympathy isn't as forthcoming as it should be. They just can't even guess what it feels like though, so we can't blame them too much. Well, we can, but we shouldn't. You feel like you're never going to feel normal again, and while in part that is true, it's not true in the way you imagine. There will be a day when you can eat again without wanting to vomit with every bite. There will be a day when you can smell hamburger and not toss your cookies. There will be a day when you don't need a nap every 45 minutes.
Some ladies enjoy the benefits of all the extra hormones in ways that others don't. The moodswings are a nightmare, the crying jags that feel like they'll never stop are exhausting..but if you are lucky, you'll feel amorous toward your beloved. This never happened for me. Not even once. If anything, I actually held back puking. Nice, right? I hope it's different for everyone else out there, it would be a hell of a lot more fun to want to boom boom pow instead of hurling your brains out.
All this passes, you see. None of it stays. It passes. But when you're going through it for the first time....
There is no real rationality going on, right? When you get mad, it's ALL THE WAY mad. Sad? Get out a box of Kleenex. Happy? Well, you'll likely cry again.
OH! OH! BUT WAIT! What was that flutter? Could that have been the little itty bitty baby? No....wait, there it is again! And suddenly, there it is...our BABY. The reason this is happening, the reason for life itself...moving inside of us. Little flutters that no one but us can feel, growing bigger, stronger, until the outside world can feel it too. We're growing, and we wear maternity clothes, and suddenly realize that we're going to be PARENTS. How do we do that without totally messing them up? What if we do it all wrong? WHO LET US PROCREATE?! But then we watch our belly, in the flesh, and we see bumps, and we know we are connected in a way that no one else in the universe can be, to this child. We are physically connected. It eats what we eat. We feel when it moves. It's magical and there's no going back...
Then suddenly, we're re-eating our meals over and over as the reflux kicks our asses. We're sleeping sitting straight up and chugging the Cherry Mylanta like it's going out of style. It doesn't matter how "safe" the food is, we will revisit over and over. Which is just as well since we're up peeing over and over. It now takes 3 good heave-ho's to get out of bed at all, waddle to the potty, waddle back to bed to do it all over again in an hour. This is practice, believe it or not. And when you are getting up to feed the baby all the time, you'll be happy you don't have a basketball in your stomach and you don't have to pee so much. : )
The process is smart though. The Creator is smart. By the very end, you will be uncomfortable enough where labor starts to sound good. You will even realize that the baby is intending to come out of your VAGINA, but this won't scare you nearly so much, because you are pretty sure you'd let it come out of your MOUTH if it wanted to, you just want it over and OUT. Isn't that smart? It's the only way to get a bunch of super pregnant women to run toward labor with relief and hope on their faces. Only til the real contractions start, but you know, at first it's very exciting.
There are a dozen different ways that labor can start. Induced, a c/s, water breaking...it's different for everyone. Labor also is a story in and of itself. Everyone's got stories, and not one experience will be the same as another. I did one birth without an epidural. I did the other 3 with. In fact, I'd still have one now if they let me. If I could walk with it, that is. I love the thing. I love giving birth. I LOVE pushing babies out, nothing has ever felt so gratifying in my life. I didn't want them to be over so quickly. After CJ, it was just a push or two for each of them. There is nothing more amazing in the universe than feeling a human being move right through your body. Awesome.
CJ, of course- being the first- he was a different story. This almost 9 lbers ripped me to pieces, but I didn't feel that. I pushed like I was dying, and I actually had quite a conversation with my maker during that time. We got a lot cleared up in that 1 hour 45 minutes of pushing. Have you ever been so mad, sad, broken and hurt that you can feel it all throughout your body, and all you want to do is roar so loud out into the world that the entire planet can hear you? A deep, never ending, all you've got ROARRRRRRRRRRRRR, that you feel from the bottom of your toes? All the energy from the miscarriages, all the hurt, anger, disappointment, unfairness, all the learning, growing, loving...I roared it out through those pushes. It was terribly theraputic, and I never want to have to work that hard in my life EVER again.
Then...it's over. All the growing, all the changes, all the worries, all the excitment, the planning....it's over. There is a child on your belly, and this is YOUR CHILD. You were actually pregnant with a human being and now it's done. You are not pregnant anymore and there is +1 people in the room. Isn't that wild?! I looked at CJ and immediately I knew that my mother loves me bigger than I ever guessed, I was instantly over the moon for this creature, and I announced loudly "Sad. Only child. I'm NEVER doing THIS again."
: )
Okay, just a few more times. : ) I'm done now.
The first time is ...the first time. The second time is easier in almost every way, if you have a "normal" go of things. It gets easier to know that it's just hormones making you want a divorce and wonder what you were thinking, getting pregnant. It gets easier to know that nothing you feel is going to stay that way, as far as hormones go. You will return to normal, mostly.
Now we're on to nursing and post partum and new motherhood. I'll let your bleeding ears heal and hit that tomorrow or so. Depending on how many words I get to use up during the day, that is.

I definitely fly by the seat of my pants.

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I have to admit that I completely give everyone and every situation the benefit of the doubt. It applies to EVERYTHING.
I found a great website about kidney donation, from a kidney donor and it's opening my eyes to alot of things that I couldn't even fit in my head. Did you know that transplant centers charge somewhere around $300,000-$500,000?! They make some serious money on this! AND I've been reading about how some donors feel that they get the shaft- that they aren't treated as a patient after the surgery is over, like all they were was whatever body part they donated. Not all, but some, that has happened to. I'm so very thankful that I read it so that I can ask the right questions and I can advocate for myself if I get to do this.
They (medical field) aren't allowed, nor do they want to, go out looking for donors. Partially because of the ethics- it's already been implied, by what I've read, that the recipient is not always the highest priority, that perhaps the money is. REALLY? I don't know. I just don't know about that. Is it humanly possible for doctors to act that way???? When it comes to THIS? I don't know. See? See my optimistic head, refusing to believe that THIS is what donating is about? It doesn't fit in there. And there are reminders everywhere that any statistics they have, the numbers are, of course, incorrect, because there are many living donors who don't participate in the studies.
I'm sure that not everyone has a good journey. Not all surrogates do, either. There are still births, miscarriages, psychotic intended parents who have complexes surrounding the surrogate, thus causing emotional trauma for her. So I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that there are living donors out there that haven't had great experiences. I haven't heard anything but good things about the U of M though. So, step by step I'll go, if I get to. I'm glad I found that website. I'm reading everything on it so that I can never be accused of not looking at the WHOLE picture. I'm looking, all right.
I feel lonely tonight. Cullen gets off of work at 10, so I'll get to see him for a little while before I go to bed. Feeling lonely has to be the most ridiculous thing ever for how un-alone I am/we are. But it never fails! I feel un-understood (for no good reason) and like I'm spinning my wheels (with some things, I am. I clean up, only to clean up again, to clean up again, to clean up again). It must be the lack of caffeine. I didn't even have one little shot of soda today. I had the headache to prove it- could I really have had a headache from NO caffeine at ALL? I am not a headache-getter. Maybe my kidneys are failing. hahahaha! That's my new personal inside joke to everything. : ) I did feel immense relief to find out that it was my gallbladder freaking out and not anything remotely kidney related.
Blah, Blah, Blah. Watched Find My Family and The Locator....best shows EVER. Time for a subject change. Next post, coming up soon. Thank Dinkus for leaving me here with nothing to do and no one to yack at. :P (PATHETIC! I could read! I could wrap presents, but the kids want to help. I could fold laundry but I already did 3 loads and I'm over it. I could do my reports but then I'd be bored at work tomorrow...want more excuses? I've got a ton!)

Angie S.

This girl has been through some serious stuff. And she takes it, and do you know what she does? She sees through it. And it all comes back to love in the end. Can you imagine losing someone you love to an addiction? Can you imagine seeing them change until you barely recognize them? But you get glimpses every now and then that they are still there, so you never give up hope? And then, one day, they lose...so you lose....and your heart is torn in two, because it doesn't make any sense at all.
She sings his song loudly, and she'll tell his story passionately if you want to hear it. And by the end, you love him too, and you can feel the sadness and the weight of the loss, but it wasn't for no reason at all, afterall. Every person who knew him was touched, and many of us who never knew him were touched. I know that I now have a better understanding of what that drug does, and how seductive it is, and how good it feels to be on it.
Then there was the time her baby drowned. He survived, but he was gone for a minute. It happened in a pool, with her standing right there with him. I think of her EVERY time the kids are in the pool. It happens THAT FAST. She was helping A, and T went under, breathed water in and it was done. He was BLUE. Not breathing. DONE. THANK GOD he came back. Can you imagine? Can you imagine what that felt like to see your baby, blue and gone?
She questions all the rules, just like I do. Boy would we have fun if she lived near me. Nothing is accepted just because someone said. No way. That's not what we're here for. I love her heart. I love how accepting she is of everyone. I love how colorful she is. And I will never forget what she said : Love Is Fluid. Isn't that the best? You can't cage it in, you can't keep it all to yourself, it's fluid. It's okay to love everyone. It's fluid. It holds no shape, it leaves no one out.
I <3 Angie!

The Smartest Thing CNN does

Is their CNN Hero thing that was on last night.
I LOVE THIS SHOW. Every single person who was honored couldn't be more deserving. It totally renewed my faith that there is plenty of good going on, we just don't see it because we are too fricken busy being bombarded by the trash on the news constantly.
Did you know that there is a woman out there from Zimbabwe who was raped at the age of SIX, and who then watched her mother be killed IN FRONT OF HER at 9? Do you know what she has done? Instead of doing what most of us would do if that had been us- and she was angry for a long, long time (rightfully so!), she decided that it is INSANE that this is a way of life there, and it is- on both counts. in 1999, she started her foundation, and she started collecting women who have been victimized and she helps them go from victim to SURVIVOR. Do you know how many women she has SAVED? 35,000. OVER 35,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't stop crying.
And did you know that right now there is a man and his wife who started an orphanage for these darling abandoned babies? Whether their families were too big (these people can't afford birthcontrol...we forget how spoiled we are), or the parents are dead, or sick, whatever it is. While they were filming his story, his family of FORTY SEVEN (and they call him Dad, his wife Mom)- became 48. They showed us what it is like when they get the call that there is a child who needs a new home, this was a newborn baby, and the poor darling mother was so sad to need to do that.
And did you know that there is a Phillipenes man who grew up poor...he couldn't stand to think of all the kids who are just in the street doing whatever they want, with no one looking after them...he is educated and saw that that is the way out of poverty. These kids can't afford school- do you know what he does?! He has a school on wheels, and they bring out these schools on wheels and all these precious babies come running from every direction TO LEARN. He teaches these kids. With love and patience, he teaches these kids! He's saving all these babies!
And how about the guy in Queens who saw a group of people on a street corner, and they were hungry...so he went home and started cooking and now he has 6 fridges in his house, and it takes his whole family to make all the food, but every single night, they go out and feed whoever is hungry. Sometimes it's as high as 140 people a night!!! His wife didn't go with him to the ceremony, so she could feed the hungry people waiting for food!!!!!!
Isn't it a great world?
It helped me to realize something. Cullen is probably right. If I get to donate a kidney, it isn't going to kill the insane noise in my head. But if I can find something that I really, really love, and I can stick with it- then I'll probably feel like I can actually make a difference someday, somehow, for someone.
I want to watch that show all day and all night long. Can't you see how much better the world would be if we showed THAT constantly instead of the gross negative crap filled with lies, politics, murders?
We waste so much time. Silly, silly humans.

See what happens when I don't blab enough?

It's like my brain gets constipated, and now I'm pooping it all out.
I have to tell you about one of my favorite Christmas memories.
It's a recent one, from 2 years ago.
Two years ago, we were still in a shitty place. A really, really crappy place. Cullen had JUST started working after being unemployed for 2 years. We literally just had NOTHING. I don't mean we were "broke" but went on vacation anyway. I don't mean we were "broke" but shopped til we dropped and charged everything. I mean- BROKE as in there is just no money. And Christmas was coming.
We've been helped in years passed. THANK GOD we were helped. We were helped by my sister, we were helped by Cullen's sister, brothers, my parents and 2 years ago it was his mom and dad. I will never be able to thank everyone enough for the times we were helped when we were desperately needing it.
Josh, who is a type A personality- he'll be an engineer when he grows up- had his sights set on a train. It's the only thing he said he wanted for Christmas from Santa. A train set.
There was a kick ass train set at Toys R Us that my father in law had seen. He wanted to bring me there to see if I thought that Josh would like it. Of course, it was FANTASTIC. It was $50.00. I, of course, had no money at all (ever have to borrow gas money? Or money for diapers? Food? It's fun.), but his dad really wanted to get this for Josh, from Santa. I knew Josh would love it, and I was thankful that he could receive a gift that he asked for from Santa. That wasn't the only gift that his parents bought for us to give to the kids, but OH, it was probably the most important one.
When Christmas morning came, by the miracle of love, there were gifts underneath the tree for the kids to open. In fact, they had a pretty darn good Christmas, despite our brokeness. We handed out some gifts to them, and I will never in my life forget what happened when Josh opened that train set.
He had ripped one piece of the paper off, and saw what was inside. It was still mostly wrapped, and he LOST HIS MIND with excitement. He jumped up, and kept jumping, pointing, mouth open, but no words coming out. He couldn't even SPEAK. He couldn't yell, he couldn't scream his joy, he was SPEECHLESS. I teared up watching him, sooooo thankful that it was bought for him. When he finally ALMOST got a grip, he ripped the rest of the paper off and finally words came to him, and he yelped with so much happiness, that nothing else mattered, for Cullen, Josh or I. Cullen and I...oh, our cups were overflowing watching him fall desperately in love with his new trainset that he'd dreamed about. And Josh..well...he couldn't have cared about opening any other gifts. It was priceless and beautiful and I am so happy I get to keep that memory with me.

That is what I think of when we are buying gifts for other families in need, or giving money anonymously to people who need it, or buying food for the food shelf. We would have been SUNK during Christmas time if someone hadn't loved us enough to help us give the kids what they deserve to have. Every time I do something loving for someone else, it's my way of saying thank you to the world for always being there for us.
Thank you World. Thank you, Love. Thank you, Family. Thank you, Friends. Thank you to all the people who have done something nice for me, for us, that I don't even know about. My heart knows. THANK YOU.

A new baby! A new baby!

We get another new baby!! It's a baby boom in Nickiland, and I am SO HAPPY!!! SO DELERIOUSLY HAPPY!!!!
Isn't that selfish?
I'm forgetting the part about how this is her first baby, and it's going to kick her in the ass in so many different ways that I can't possibly warn her about. It will, of course, be amazing and wonderful, but this is the biggest change she'll go through.
We'll worry about that later. For now- YIPPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND if I'm the luckiest girl in the whollllleeee wide world....I'll get to watch that little itty bitty while she goes to work! Maybe. We'll see. Logistically, there are issues, I suppose, but we've got a few months to discuss. It's been 3 years since we've gotten a new baby in this family! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!

Jamie

Jamie is my new neighbor. Have you ever met someone and just immediately LOVED them? I adore her. It was the same day I met her when I said to Cullen "I think I just met my new best friend!" : ) She' probably think I'm nuts if she read this. I just REALLY REALLY REALLY liked her, right from the minute she came into the house. And she's funny, too. You know I love me some funny people! That's all to tell about her. I met her, I like her, and I'm super happy that she's right next door!
YAYYYYYY, JAMIE!!!!!!!!

Niki S.

I am going to try to describe the space that Niki holds in my life, but I can't promise you that I'm going to do it any justice at all.
I met her on the Peach, as I've met many of my most beautiful and favorite girl friends. We grew babies together, we lost babies together. Allyssa and I got to meet Niki face to face when she came here to see her hubby for awhile- he was working on the 35 W bridge. It was so much fun to see her face in person, and it always amazes me how comfortable it is meeting someone in the flesh for the first time when they already know your heart and you theirs. Seeing her kiddos felt normal too, I saw their cute faces every day on the site.
She always checks in to see how I'm doing. And I'm getting to share in her homeschooling journey. I love hearing another mother's heart when it concerns her kids. I look for her every time I get on facebook to see what's going on, see how she's doing. I'm getting to share in her on going baby growing escapades too, and I feel blessed that I do! THANK YOU for sharing you with me, Niki!!!!!! It means the world to me and I hope that I'm half the friend that you are to me!!! I LOVE YOU!

When the left hand knows not how the right one does it...

SO this morning I was in the shower.
I needed this shower. I was enjoying this shower. I was plotting to shave my legs, the whole 9 yards. The shampoo was all lathered up in my hair when I thought to myself...hmmmm, the water being a tad bit warmer would feel lovely. My right hand was tangled in my hair. Okay, not technically TANGLED per say, but it was in there scrubbing my head, so I used my LEFT hand to turn the cold water off a little more. OR SO I THOUGHT. Apparently, my left hand does not know which way the knob needed to be turned!
SHOCK! HORROR!
A blast of cold water hit me as I turned the cold water all the way on. I gasped and jumped, causing the water to hit my head, and blind myself with suds. Still not catching on to the idea of using my right hand, I then went for the knob and overcompensated to get the hot water going again. It took a second for the water to adjust and justlikethat SCALDING hot water is pouring on me. It took a second for this newest wave of information to hit me. Now I'm plastered against the wall, trying to avoid the hot water spray, with suds running all over my face. I'm afraid to open my eyes or wipe my eyes, but it's clear that I have got to fix the situation immediately. Stupidly, I used my left hand again, and found the wrong knob. Now I turned the hot water all the way down, but since the cold water was almost off too, now I just had a light spray coming from the shower, of cold water. I went ahead and stuck my face into the spray so that I could use my ever loving eyes again, and I started afresh, and got the water the right temp. However, the goosebumps would not die. I shaved them clean off of my one leg, and decided that the other leg would just have to wait til I have a better shower experience.

Mary. Otherwise known as my Momma.

When I started doing this, I decided I wasn't going to include family because I have so many friends that I love dearly and want to write about. But on my way to Old Chicago tonight, I was flying through radio stations to find the next funnest song to listen to, and I stumbled upon an old Conway Twitty song- Tightfittin Jeans. I immediately felt like I was standing in their kitchen, the "old" kitchen, with the old wallpaper, the old floor, the radio up on the shelf, playing K102. And it makes me think of my mom.
I am so incredibly blessed over the moon and back over and over and over to have the parents that I have. They love their kids and their grandkids to pieces and it shows. How many people get laugh attacks with their mom? The kind where you're both crying you're laughing so hard and you just can't stop? Im sure I'm way over her head with my thinking some time- and I mean that in the normal "I'm out there" kind of way that I'm used to, but for all the crazy things I've attempted or done, she blows my mind with being supportive. She'll say how she feels, and then that's it, support! It's incredible. I talk to her so often most every day that I joke about it when I don't call her...doesn't she worry? How can she go on with her day without knowing what I'm doing?! HAHAHAHAH. : )
I am so lucky to have my mother be the first call I make when there is "news" of some sort. Maybe that's more normal than not? I don't know. I remember my mother in law talking about coming home from her mom's funeral, and going to the phone to call her mom to tell her about the funeral. OH! That sentiment rang right through me. That is exactly what it will be like for me, someday.
I appreciate what she went through as a parent so much more, I understand what stupid bratty teenaged kids can't understand now, I work from home like she did, and I understand what that must have been like for her now. This relationship is incredible to me because while I am an adult now (really? am i?) and I can relate to her as an adult, that is still my Momma, and when I'm mad, or when I'm sad, or when I'm glad, that's my call.
Today is their 39th anniversary. Isn't that amazing? How did they do that? And did they want to? <----- hahahahah! I'm just kidding. I'm only saying that I've only been married for 13 years and I know how hard that has been sometime. I haven't had to survive teenagers yet, or anything. 39 years!!!!! How many people can say THAT?! My parents are still together. Incredible. Cullen's parents are, too. Good role models!
I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!! Thank you for being such a good friend!!!!

Lisa

Lisa, Lisa.
She's a great lesson in how someone you barely know can really deeply affect you. I'm sure she has no idea how affected I am by her.
My brother in law dated Lisa briefly. It's kind of funny now, when I look at it, because he doesn't seem her type to me AT ALL. Like not even a little bit. But whatever, he dated her and he got her to come to MN. She is wacky enough to fit in with this crowd, and in some ways, MORE wacky (do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT play board games with her. She's insane!!!! Literally. Don't do it.You'll end up bitch slapping her and feeling horrible about it the next day.)

Lisa has a story. She is NOT her story, but she is experiencing herself through her story. Her story is this: She is a 36 year old widow with 4 children. Her husband committed suicide a little over a year ago. This darling knew NOTHING about ANYTHING. Hubby took care of everything- EVERYTHING- and left her quite a mess to clean up. Can you imagine the shock?
She is such a bright, shining light. She is HYSTERICAL, and she writes beautifully, and THANK GOD, she blogs. I love having the chance to see the world through her eyes. She's putting herself through school, and she's learning how to navigate in this big, crazy world. I am immensely proud of her- she is just OUTSTANDING. I know that there is so much pain and heartache that she carries, and I know sometimes, probably more often than we know, she cries. I am learning so much from just watching her go through the process. What a process it is.

Thank you, Lisa! Thank you for sharing you with me, with all of us. I love you, I love your beautiful heart, I love watching you soak everything in until you are full, so full. I am sorry for all the tears you cry, I'm sorry for every second you miss A, I am sorry for any sorrow that befalls you. You are weaving a beautiful, beautiful pattern that can never be duplicated by anyone else, and I appreciate getting to watch you do it. THANK YOU!

Chris, the ER admitting RN

I love this man.
He reminds me of someone, but I can't think of who.
Anyways, when I went to the hospital last week, wee hours of the morning, drove myself while having a gallbladder attack from hell, he listened to me, and took me back right away. He was all about me. He called it, from go. "Gallbladder attack. I'm sorry you are in so much pain."
He got me in right away, he told the nurse who'd actually be babysitting me to get the meds quick. LOVE HIM.
When I was all morphined up to the high heavens, I stopped by to tell him thank you for being so awesome. I skipped up to the desk (of course I did!), and he smiled and said "It's so good to see you feeling better. You're not driving, are you??" hehehe. I told him/them no, Michelle was on her way. He said "Good girl. So much better to see you happy. "
Isn't he sweet?
The end.

The Big, Gross Toe Nail

MONTHS ago, Joshy had an accident. He was riding his bike and he decided that it would be great fun to go down Grandma's front steps. It didn't work out the way that he planned, and he flipped- of course. Where's the vid camera when you need one? He got a couple of owies, both of them horribly disgusting to me. Please know that I can deal with a lot of gross stuff. I held our dog's intestines in when she ripped her stitches open from getting her junk yanked. I can do bloody noses just fine. BUT! A FLAP of skin...OMFG! It's too much. My child had a toe flap. Even typing it makes me want to puke. A big flap of skin. Cullen tried to make me look, becuase he wanted to know if I thought he should take him in or not, but I couldn't look. Cullen hollered at me, but I couldn't. No amount of volume was going ot make me look. Incredibly, that sucker healed right up, within days! I was amazed. His toenail...well, it was clear that it wasn't going to make it.
But it's been slllooowwwww. First it turned blue, then it turned black, then spread. ICK. He loved to show it to me. Remember? He wanted me to look, just last week or so, and I couldn't (this makes him giggle uncontrollably, by the way- how grossed out I get) so he drew me a PICTURE and showed me the PICTURE so I could see what he was saying. Isn't he BRILLIANT?! Anyways...last night he came to show me that it was DANGLING. VOMIT! I, of course, wouldn't look, and Josh was practically on the floor with the giggles. It took him 5 minutes to even tell me what it was, because he anticipated my horror. You know that my 6 year old went back downstairs, yanked his dead toe nail off and came back upstairs to present it. Yes, I screamed a full on girlie scream, and hid my face in the couch and refused to come out. GRRRROOOOSSSSSSSSS!!!! How nasty is that?! ICK! I have no aversion to things like people's toenail clippings, or hair, or dust, or whatever, but THIS! UGH!!!!
He made me look at his new toe nail today. VOMIT. VOMIT! VOMIT! It's soft and seethrough and ICK! WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT IT!!!
Because now YOU are thinking of it too! : )

BM

And no, I don't mean POOP. Although, sometimes poop IS my friend. Tonight it wasn't, and thanks to said poop, I now have TWO hallways, and hallway B is bigger than Hallway A. Nuff said.

BM needs to remain nameless because he is my dark, mysterious lov-ah. No, he isn't that either. But he is a higher up of mine and therefore it isn't probably appropriate to go naming names. There are enough BM's in that company to keep them guessing and for all they know, it's a girl.

Now- I may or may not have mentioned that I was born missing the gene that lets us know when we are around people we should be "afraid" of. Maybe not "afraid"...how about people who are "higher up" than we are and we are not to socialize with them or treat them like regular underpaid workers? Do you understand what I'm saying? I was born without that gene. So while most people seemed to hoover in a somewhat fog of fear around BM, I would skip all the "little people" and go straight to him with problems that irritated me big enough. No Fear Nicki. I liked him. I thought he was hysterical. He IS hysterical.

I was "promoted" to a different department where there was lots of chaos going on. I was disliked by the higher ups in this department because I was not "corporate" enough. I laugh far too often. I am joyful and I sound joyful. No good. We'll come back to this part later.

My hardest miscarriage happened while working in this department. Coming back to work SUCKED. Untelling people SUCKS. The sypathetic glances SUCK. It was horrible. People were scared to talk to me about it.
Not BM.
It meant more than he will ever know, the morning that he came over, got down on one knee, took my hand, looked right at me and told me how sorry he was to hear the news. He himself has lost a baby, only his was actually born before he lost it. My loss cannot touch his loss. I know, it's all relative, but still. He understood what I must be feeling, and he wasn't afraid to go there. I appreciate that in people.

I ended up working for him. The way it went down was semi funny, because I am so naive that I don't realize the waves I make sometimes. I received a call from my now boss, asking me if a position were open there, would I be interested in it. I said YES. I somehow was made aware that the job was mine, but they had to interview everyone who signed up for it, etc. I did all this without saying anything to boss- because I just didn't know. I am that DUH about "protocol". When they did find out, ohhhhhh there was a war behind the scenes happening between BM and my bosses. What was funny is that it was made clear to me that I'd never be promoted and that I was frowned upon in general, but suddenly *I* was their shining star, when they heard what was going on. It was humorous. I will never forget the tension when BM and the devil herself were both within a few feet of me one day.

A memo went out company wide about proper protocol when you're apply for another position in the company. Something about getting your bosses blessing FIRST. : ) I know he went to bat for me.

He has been my champion ever since. He comes down on me when he has to, but he has always understood my intentions. When I was pg with Josh and I told him first (since i was used ot miscarrying and leaving as soon as the bleeding started), he told me he'd just been in a meeting where one of the gals telecommuted and asked if I'd be interested in it. The timing was just too good to be a coincidence. When I was in the hospital on bedrest with Josh, he came for a visit and brought me a PHONE, so I could keep working. It was a joke, but it was so funny. He is so brilliant- he's an engineer and he's wayyyy out there, but he knows what he's doing. He knows what he's talking about. You can trust what he says. I am so thankful for what he has allowed me to do. I've gotten to bring in money, keep babysitting my babies (the salons), and raise my kids myself. I LOVE IT. I am so thankful. I would work for him anywhere. In all of our company, i think that our department is the probably the ONLY ONE where most of us in the department have been with BM for 10+ years. That's how good he is. His people STAY. We have had 2 new people come in to our department. The rest of us have been here. If that doesn't say alot, I don't know what does. Besides me. I say alot. All the time. BLAB BLAB BLAB. :)

I'm so blessed!

And do you know what? I think- THINK- that he doesn't necessarily mind

Control

Dear Control,
How I love you!!!
hehehe

I am not a victim, party people! I know that the lovlies who say "Boy, you can't catch a break, can you?" to me mean well, but honestly- I am not a victim. I am not being shit on, I am merely being tossed balls, and I swing and I hit HOME FREAKIN RUNS, BABY!!! : ) That's all.

I think we are more creative than we know. I would never dream of telling someone that they chose whatever crappy thing is happening to them, but where I am concerned, I will say that on some level, probably mostly unconciously, I think i am. I must have made a deal along the way that there were things I wanted to experience, and so, I am going to find things happen that will allow me to experience those things! Smell what i'm steppin in?

I'm not a victim. I don't care what happens to me next, I still won't be a victim. I REFUSE! (and I'll recant, if need be, at a later date.) heheheh

Planet Janet

Have you ever had a friend who you could just pick up with, whenever? No matter how much time has passed? That's my Planet. I'm starting to notice that I am surrounded by beautiful souls who have their feet firmly planted on the ground, which we all know I desperately need. : ) She's another one. I love hearing her perspective, and I feel better after I hear from her, no matter what it is. We grew babies together also, and SURPRISE! first met on the Mommy website that I clung to for so many years. She has 3 adorable kiddos, and she knows of heart aches, and screaming for joy moments too.
I love her heart. I wish she lived closer so that we could hang out and our kids could play together.
Thank you for always being there Janet!!!! I cna't wait to see you next summer!!!!!

Ben

I love my Ben. I can't wait to see him again!
Ben came waltzing into my world when I worked at Cinnabon, and he worked at Subway. How post highschool does THAT sound?! We'd gone to school together, but he was 2 years older than me, and we hadn't hung out. I knew he was though, of course.
We became fast friends, through Kenny- who will get a page dedication too. Kenny scared poor Ben. Kenny was very flamboyant and I adored him. And he kinda adored Ben. He would go to Subway to get food and scare Ben. Ben would come to Cinnabon and tell me about Kenny scaring him.
It wasn't long before we were hanging out all the time. I had a few sincere guy friends in highschool, who were just friends, but Ben took the cake. We had SO much fun together and it was never anything more than platonic. I used to explain it by saying it felt like God blocked it. I mean, comon, I'm a girl...even my platonic friends I would try to imagine smooching to see what I thought, and that just does not fly with Ben. Not at all. I loved his whole family. His oldest brother went to highschool with my sister, too. FUNNY! Anyways...he used to say he was a dinkus in school, but the Ben I knew was nothing but fabulous. He'd come with me to dr appts, and our weekends were spent at his house or...someone's house, having a good time. I hold him dearly in my heart for being the best male friend a girl could have. I was a messed up girl back then, and to have one safe guy that I didn't need to worry about...it was so, so, so, so refreshing.
We fell apart when I started dating and then getting serious with Cullen. When we got married, we really fell apart. Well--- I guess it wasn't until I got pg w/CJ that it really, really happened.
He is now married with kids, and therefore, the playing field is even again. I have high hopes of seeing him again really, really soon.

The Nurse In Mexico

Do you see how tedious this list can be? :)
When we were in Mexico, for our first time ever, I was 14 weeks pregnant. I had not wanted to go, I mean, I was dead set on going, and I didn't get excited until we were there. I felt like crap, eating was a nightmare, and I'd had a bleeding scare a week before.
Things went wrong right away. I hate that vacation. I know it holds it's purpose, but I hate it. I'm sure that I'm thankful I wasn't actually AT HOME, where maybe I'd stay pregnant just to lose it a few weeks later and have to give birth. At least I was somewhere beautiful, but I was so far from home. I wanted my mommy.
I don't speak fluent Spanish and I was scared out of my mind. I had no idea what the hell was going on. But my one nurse saved me.
She was so very sweet to me. I hoped that she'd be on every day that I was in the hospital and she was. When I'd throw up, she'd teach me how to say vomit in Spanish. She wiped my tears away. She rubbed my shoulder and pet my hair. She felt bad for the stupid American girl, the sad, pregnant, stupid American girl whose pregnancy was going to end right there.
When it was time for me to leave, I had a HUGE packet of papers for the insurance company to choke on. Along with it were my ultrasound pics of the baby that was just alive and kicking around yesterday. She held my hands as she gave them to me, and the way she looked at me...I'm going to guess she knows about loss like that. She kissed me goodbye and pet me some more. I (we) felt so alone and scared and I was so mad, GOD I was so mad that I was there. OH! I cry now remembering how pissed off I was, and how unfair that felt, how much I hated everything with everything in me. That stupid ocean. SCREW the stupid ocean. All those people on the beach beneath my window at the hotel, having FUN?! FUCK THEM. How DARE THEY. I'm a million miles from home and I just spent 3 days in a MEXICAN HOSPITAL, AND I LOST THE BABY AND I DIDN'T WANT TO BE HERE IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE! OMG! I was so angry. She was the quiet angel who I knew hurt for me and wished differently for me. I couldn't communicate with her for crap, but it didn't matter. Our hearts spoke.
I wish I knew her name. I wish she knew how much I appreciate even now, her compassion and love. I send her love from over here, and I hope that she has the most beautiful life with the biggest gifts ever, and I hope something special happens for her just because I am wishing it so.

Last one for tonight. Steve

Isn't that funny? Yeah, this one won't take long, but he should get a shout out. Steve is my comic relief. Facebook friend, of course, and now neighbor. I appreciate his funniness, and the fact that he isn't scared to ask questions about stuff that's going on. That counts. Boys normally shy away from some of the girl stuff, but he doesn't. He's smart, too, and can carry on a conversation and state his pov without being rude (most of the time, haha). He has an adorable wife that I'll soon be friends with I hope, and an adorable baby that I can't wait to play with again.
Who knows- most of the people I've listed so far have been with me long term, or were with me for a long period of time. He's fairly new...
He also has a big heart. If you know him, you might- MIGHT- think that he's kinda a "every man for himself" person, but he really isn't. He didn't even think twice about helping someone he didn't know when she had it bad. Jen L'A, too. Gosh, I know some of the best people in the world, truly! He didn't know her, but he helped help her. And Jen L.I don't know how long this friendship will be around, but since he babysits me often and has been unafraid of hearing about surgeries and he lets me gross him out with details, he gets a shout out on the friend posts! Steve, I salute you! Thanks for being my friend!

Okay, party people...I'm done for today. Gee, can't you hardly wait til tomorrow? HAHA. Someday, someone will be glad I did this. hehehe

Tired of it yet? :) Shawn

I owe my brother in law a space.
I probably will never convey this relationship properly, hard as I might try. I'll give it a go.
What I love about Shawn is that he'll have a discussion and not back down. He listens. He takes it in. He is usually studied about whatever it is. He also has a huge soft spot for my babies, and my husband and he will borrow us whatever we need (like his Prius to go to Arkansas) without question. He says yes more than he says no. He loves family.

But he lives on another planet. He is my constant challenge to myself to shut up and let someone walk their path. I am called to be bigger than myself when it comes to him. I am not him, I know not what it feels like to be him. I process things differently than he does. He is brilliant. But he's jaded. And it frustrates me to no end sometimes. Just sometimes. He holds a very special place in my heart. He is, funny enough, my stand in husband. When I need a hubby point of view, and Cullen is unavailable, I call Shawn and he never leads me wrong. The Alpha Male in him probably eats that up too, damn...never considered that. :) I appreciate being let into his life, and him sharing his thought processes with me because I do learn from him, I learn so much. I actually owe him alot, because I have learned ALOT about being a better human being from him.

And yet somehow...we're good friends! I guess I haven't felt frustrated over things that are none of my business in a while anyway.... and it has been fun watching him grow too. He tells me he loves me. Even though sometimes he wants to punch me. And when I'm feeling catty, I do love to pick on him. He's so good about letting it roll off his back and just letting me attack the air. He's confusing, but he is GOOD. And I need someone to keep me in check, I guess.:P

Thank you, Shawn! I love you.

Jason F.

Back before babies grounded me, I used to go out for happy hours often at work. I had SO MUCH FUN. I was probably, so much fun. : ) I cringe just a little to think of it....I was probably TOO much fun. Anyways, one of my favorite boys in the universe is Jason. I don't even talk with him all that often anymore, but I love him still, and every now and then I email him just to tell him.
There are only a handful of boys who I really trust. I'm not sure that's the right word....the thing with boys is that it's rare to come across one that you can really let in and be friends with. Jason was always SAFE to me. He is also a stitch, and I love his soul to pieces. He travelled to 3rd world, horrible places to help the people. He was in danger, and it didn't matter. LOVE mattered. He needed those people to know that Love Is Alive! And do you know what? He dreams of going back. He is that good.
We have had so much fun and so many good talks. He "got" me when it felt like no one else did. People think I'm insane. And I probably bother many with my loudness, or my laughing or whatever. Jason is a good egg, and he saw my good egg qualities too. Even when I was dancing to Boogie Wonderland. He's the guy that I could hang out with and Cullen didn't have to worry because his intentions are always good. I want such good things for him. I want everything that he wants for him, and I want it all NOW. He feels things big too, and he can't stand to just sit by and let shit be shit. He wants to do something about it. I love his heart.
Thank you for being you, Jason!

JLK Jen

I'm surrounded by Jen's that I love, too. I'm so going to have a Jen party, and there will be 5 Jen's here, at least. And it's going to be a RIOT!

JLK represents alot of different things to me. I went to school with her from the beginning. We hung out a little, then probably not at all. I don't remember much from then.

Facebook- again- brings people together. She reached right out to me. I thought it was fun to reconnect. It was also scary for me. For the first time, I was going to have to reconcile Who I Was with Who I Am. Highschool was not the best time for me, and I was aware that many people were very clear on what kinds of things I had going on. I was nervous, but figured that she wouldn't have reached out if she was carrying alot of judgement about me, right?

And away we went! I faced and owned my fears about my past. She helped me get the hell over it. She is as honest as can be, too, so it felt good to hear it from someone who wouldn't spare me that that's all so long ago, and no one cares. I went through some things that many people don't deal with til later, if ever, and time is time. Who cares. I am certainly NOT the most important person to everyone who ever knew my name. She knows all about me and still likes me! AND!!!! AND!!! There is one person from highschool that I have carried on my heart every since, someone i loved and hurt badly and stupidly. Jen mentioned doing lunch, all of us. I was scared as hell. And even more scared when JEN NEVER SHOWED. I did just fine, and I don't know how the other person felt afterwards, but now the last time I saw her it wasn't during the worst time of my life. JLK has no idea how good that was for my soul.

We're solid now, she and I. She has babies too, so as mom's we relate, and it's fun to get the kids together. I've got a gauge on her, so I know what's going on all the time. : ) She work near me and we do lunch when we can, or she'll come over so I can feed her and we chat at least a few times a week.

I'm so thankful that she was brave enough to do that. I know that often times I am not brave enough to reach out to someone that truly do not "know". She's solid too. She'll be around for the long haul.

Kimmy Kim

This doesn't happen very often, but I married into a family that I love. I hope that I'm wrong about that, and I'd love to be wrong by also saying that probably not many people call up their in laws of all sorts just to talk , daily, or at least weekly. I adore my brothers in law (or try to...haha), my mother and father in law...but Kim is MY GIRL.
I must have a thing for Cancers. I just noticed that Ang, JB and Kim are all cancers. Silly.
Kim is the most level headed girl I've met yet. It's probably because she's the youngest of 6, and the only 6, but she has her shit together. If I'm freaking out about something, she can see through my freak out and get to what's real in it and get my feet back on the ground. I appreciate her and the place that she holds in my life.
There are 4 of us girls in the family...Kimmy being the only sibling, the rest of us are married into the family. Kim takes such good care of everyone, all the time. Us girls try to stick together to help her out- she is very nervous about life after their mom passing away, being the "only" girl. She has supported everyone for so long and in so many different ways- I keep reminding her that we other girls are here too. She has such a sweet, giving heart. She is full of love for the people around her, in a very quiet, strong way (unlike ME, haha).
Again- she is hysterical. I cry from laughing with her more often than not. She completely dorks out with me. She plays all the stupid games I make up. One night, she wanted me to look at the skymall catalog online because there was a sunlamp in there she wanted me to see. Then she'd find something else, and tell me the code, and I'd go look at it. Because the whole thing seemed so silly anyways, and I was reading the description of whatever we were looking at out loud, I told her to read it too, but about a second behind me.
How stupid is that? Had me IN TEARS. I love, love, love Kim. She's got the biggest, most sensitive heart. She's a quiet force of nature. We bow down to her, Princess Kimmy! I love you! I'm better and saner for having you in my life! And thank you for loving your babies to pieces!

JB!

I am unsure if my beautiful friend Jen knows how much I adore her. I tell her all the time. In fact, she reads this, so HI JEN!

We met Jen and Chris when we were in the surrogacy program. They were on the bus with us, and I was fairly sure they were the other couple coming from MN, but I wasn't positive. She was quiet, very quiet. hehehehehheheheeh. It's funny to think of now!
We sat next to eachother at the meeting, and we began our relationship then. : ) A meeting of the hearts to start out with. Not everyone can be a surrogate, or has the WANT to, ya know? There is something in a person. If anyone has ever even thought of doing it, they have it. An understanding of love and life and what's real in the whole deal.
I found out that she wasn't really quiet. She's minorly shy, but fast to get over it. She was so easy to talk to and be with. I liked her right away. She was my favorite surrogate and we found out we lived near eachother. Well, that's all she wrote! We took forever to start hanging out, and now I look forward to seeing her and her family and I'm SO HAPPY that I have facebook so I can stalk her whenever I want to. She is a cute little southern belle with a sweet little southern twang to go with it. I can tell her anything and she has held my hand through losing couples, then losing my dream of being a surrogate. She was never afraid to talk to me (you know how sometimes when someone is gong through something, and people kinda shy away? Not Jen!). And the girl is NOT QUIET! She is my FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY Jen. I want to pluck her up, and make her know everyone I know because she's such a good, solid friend to everyone. If she were in a room full of people, and they were all hating on me, I know that Jen would stick up for me and tell them in her very sweet Southern accent, where to go. : ) Then I'd take her out and we'd drink til we're silly and have the best night ever!
Which we'll do someday anyway.
Until then, I look forward to the time I get to spend with her. I'm blessed over the moon to have found her the way I did. Sometimes I think she was the whole point of me trying to be a surrogate.
I ADORE YOU, JB!

more! more! more! Up next...ANGIE!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Angie! She is another one of my besties. Kinda not her choice, probably but since we work together, she is stuck with me.
She came to Regis over 8 years ago and worked in my department. I liked her right off the bat. She's much quieter than I am, but she has a presence. I have had more fun embarrassing her over the years. She is so cute when she's embarassed.
Anyways, this girl...MAN. I will never be able to sing her praises loud enough! She had some serious choices to make, and one by one she made good choices. And it was amazing. Maybe it was my own past that I was seeing when I looked at her, at where she was, and that was why I felt unsure about her strength in having to make the right choices? Thank GOD I was wrong, so wrong. She shook a HORRIBLE relationship (the father of her first child), stopped partying, and became a mom. Previous, we knew when she wouldn't make it into work (payday). Suddenly, she was there, every day. She became a mother and changed everything around. It is so much fun for me to remember. Now she is married (ask me how she met DJ. heheh I MADE her because she had a crush on him. Totally embarassed her. But it worked!)with 2 cutie pies. She put herself through school! She is one of the strongest women I know. And, again- do you see a common theme? She's HILARIOUS!!! She makes me cry from laughing so hard. I will always stop what I'm doing to listen to a story she's telling because I know it's going to be GOOD. You know? I love how she tells stories. And our husbands are alike in many ways, kids the same age. We are connected! That is my girl. I trust her beyond anything. I LOVE ANGIE!

hah, are you sorry yet? I've got LOTS of friends! Jen L'A

My Jen.
Boy did she carry me through some of the hardest times of my life.
When I think back on highschool, and hanging out with her, I feel nothing but GLAD that I had her. That was such a horrible time for me, and here was this precious girl who feels things as big as I do, who could really reach my soul, and understand. It was the most comforting thing ever to me, to know someone else who feels this big. Esp in highschool, when everything is so superficial and full of crap...to have another person there. If she judged me, I to this day don't know it. I know that she cried for me, but didn't judge me.
We lost contact when I got married. I failed her in a big way then. I am so sorry that I did that. I didn't know what else to do. I was fresh out of an eating disorder, and seeing her plummeting into one...I felt lost, and I hurt my friend. Yet here we are again!
Here we are! I am the luckiest ever! I have Jen back, and if that wasn't good enough, I have her husband now too! And I get to watch her grow into a mother, which is the most beautiful thing ever. I have never wanted to "help" someone so much. I want to reassure her a hundred times over that all of this "non normalcy" will go away with time. That she will feel like herself again, in time. That she is going to truly be a wonderful mother and that her fears are normal, but that they aren't based on anything that is going to really happen. It's hard to know that inside her head, she is worrying, while I already can see clearly that she's going to fall head over heels so hard her head is going to spin. I am SO HAPPY that we are together again. She's the ONLY person who tells me that I calm them. ME! I CALM someone down! Can you even imagine? I love her deep feeling soul. I would pet it like a kitty and snuggle it close if I could.
Thank you for being my friend!!!!

Marte

I met Marte a million years ago on the first Mommy board I ever joined. And now we are in contact more often again, and I couldn't be happier! She is one of the calmest forces I've come into contact with. I trust her judgement and appreciate havcing her point of view on things. We had babies together-ish also and knowing that the things I went through with my first baby were normal helped so much. When I'm flying high, she cheers and when I'm not flying so high, she lifts me up with her love. It took her a long time to really let me in, too, and once in I got to see that her heart is even more beautiful than I initially knew. I see beautiful humanity in her, and she's a brilliant- BRILLIANT yoga instructor. She brings peace and calm to so many people, it's awesome. She makes me think that if I lived near an ocean, I would never take it for granted. She always seems to have her sh*t together in a way that I never will, so I watch her and admire her skills. I feel like she is a peace pioneer and that the world benefits so much from having her be in it.
I LOVE YOU MARTE!

Allyssa

When I met Allyssa, I had no idea how our lives would intertwine together. We met on our Mommy Board, and we were pregnant together. I was pregnant with Josh, and she miscarried. She was struggling with fertility issues and it was very sad. It didn't take her long to get pregnant again though, with Sam and Olivia.
She doesn't trust anyone, so it took a long time before she really trusted me. In fact, for as much as we emailed back and forth, we didn't meet til...gosh, it was sometime after S and O were born. I think the first time I met her was when she was on bedrest with D and C. I must have passed the test because I got to start seeing her more.
She has been my anchor. I literally would have lost my mind my now if not for her. When the kids were younger and I would be completely overwhelmed to the point of tears, I could call her, and hear the exact same thing going on at her house, and knowing that I wasn't alone SAVED ME. We would meet at Applebees (after 6 years of this, we just went to a diff place for the first time!), and it was nonstop chatter about the kids and hubbies right up til we left, and I always left feeling AMAZINGLY lighter. HOw many "ME TOO!"'s have made me breathe a sigh of relief? And when she'd call me from the brink, knowing that I could hold out my hand and talk her off the ledge too..I swear I'd be lost without her. She is insanely smart, and she makes me laugh my head off too. I have been blessed one million times over by having her in my life. She doesn't let tooooooo many people in, and I am so happy that she's let me be one of them. She is my funny friend who knows what life with 4 close in age is like (she has me beat by a mile), and I love her with all of my heart. There is just no replacement for someone who KNOWS. Thanks for being my friend!

I love my friends!

I have the bestest friends ever. How did I get so lucky? Maybe I will go through my friends and write something nice about each one, but would that be boring for everyone to read? Maybe I should send the messages to them, so they know it even though I'm pretty vocal about how I feel anyways. SOme of them are probably sick of hearing about it. Maybe for them I'll just do it here. Ready? Set? GO!

You know I gotta blog it...Effing Gallbladder!

Well, one thing is for sure- I do love my pain meds.
Yesterday started out fairly normal. I had a tummy ache- one which is familiar and NOW I KNOW WHY- but it wasn't dibilitating. I carried on. Once we got home from the Winter Olympics, it was a little worse, but again, I was okay. Then the backache kicked in. Sons of bitches, people- the backache! It reminded me immediately of labor. I haven't felt a backache like that since giving birth a few times. Nothing relieved it, nothing made it better. I take it back...the hot bath Cullen made me helped temporairily.
It wasn't too long before it became unbearable. But I couldn't stand the thought of going in and being told that I had a massive poo up in there, ya know? So I paced, and moaned, and made Cullen rub my back- just like labor. The pain never left my upper abdomen. When it neared midnight and I was miserable out of my mind, shaking from the pain, and it hadn't moved down (indicating a digestive issue), and the food hadn't made me immediately puke (I vomited from PAIN. I'm a TOUGH GIRL! This HURT!)...I had to make a decision. Cullen could wake all 4 kids up and take me in, or I could somehow drive myself. I had no idea how I would do it, but I did do it. 12:30am. I drove to the ER.
They were so sweet to me there. I was barely able to function and the darling RN who admitted me called it right away.
It took another 1.5 hours to get the morphine that I so desperately wanted. I even considered letting myself pass out from the pain. I mean, I had to FOCUS not to. STUPID. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! GOD I LOVE MORPHINE. She hit me with the Tordahl and 2 hits of morphine to make sure I could lay still for the ultrasound.
STUPID GALLSTONE!
STUPID!
I'm trying to donate a kidney!
STUPID GALLSTONE!
So, I have 2 appts on Wed. One in the am for a consult with the surgeon, just to learn all I can. It's laprascopic surgery also. It would be awesome if they could do both at the same time. I am not sure how fast I need to have it, but what I do know is that I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THAT AGAIN. EVER. I have another prescription for vicodin (YIPPPEEE!!!) but dude. That was horrid. We'll see if diet controls it, I guess. My 2nd appt is right after that for my hep b testing for the kidney donation to see if I'm still all clear. When I know more, then I'll call the transplant center to update them. I hope they don't think I'm a mess.
The van is still at the hospital, bless my sisters heart for picking me up at 3:30am. Cullen and I need to go get it. I'm so tired. I don't want to be working but I have to because Angie can't yet.
But it's all good. Enough caffeine and I'll be okay.
I'm scared out of my pants to eat though. I don't think you understand how scared I am. My tummy hurts just a little bit right now, and I'm terrified.
TERRIFIED.
TERRIFIED.
TERRIFIED.
I should eat something now and figure out what's going to happen.
Hold me. I'm gonna do it. Cereal and milk. HOLD ME!

A Time To Rest

I've got it! I found it!
My darling friend who does not even know that she just saved me, saved me! Remind me to tell her.
WINTER.
It's coming.
Every year, it feels a little harder and harder on me.
I mean...it gets downright bad for me at the end. Tears, bad. Tears and dispair.

At first I thought it was having so many what were then, little kids. I hated- HATED- those cold, blustery, freezing mornings when I had to drag babies out of bed, and get them all out into the van to drive one to preschool, only to turn around, come home, undress everyone, attempt a clean up of that mess, look at the time, turn around, drive back to pick up said kid.
And then, it was TWO of them doing it.
And then, THREE. ANd we didn't live near the school. My fault, I supose, but it counts and matters to me, where they go to school.

Don't get me wrong...the time from right now, til Christmas is some of my favorite time. I love the smell of fall, I love the blue sky on a crisp fall day, I love sweater weather (since I'm practically sweat shirt bound lately, convinient!). I love decorating for the holidays. LOVE IT. I love it for the kids, I love it for us, I love love LOVE IT!

Dec 26th....the let down begins.
By Jan 1st, CHristmas has been taken down, and the dreary blah's start.
BUT! Lis just saved me, with one simple phrase! A TIME TO REST. A time to rest! If I can remember it as a time to rest and make a concious effort to ...rest...I bet I can skate through Jan and Feb and March til the sun reappears and spring emerges.

I'll have to tell her that.

Hm. In the middle of my happy post, a bratty little birdy just came and pooped all over me. Time to go meditate the shit off of ...all over. UGH.

ahhhh, meditation saves me again. Or.."Chuck"

See that? Amazing. I've reeled myself back in. I'm grounded and centered and I can carry on now, as normal. I wish I could get everyone in the world to mediatate. That took all of 15 minutes and I feel so much better.


: )

Cheers!

I knew I disliked Saturday's for a reason...

OMG! I am so Lucy Wench right now. This is my weak attempt to get it out so that I don't take it out on the kids, and I'll change names to protect my victims that I'm about to slander all over the place. :)

Last night, as with MANY NIGHTS in the past 8 years, but more often recently because they have runny noses, I have been up over and over and over in the middle of the night. Last night was no different. Finally at 5am, Jordan came into bed with me. By 5:30 I got him to sleep again. I was very irritated by this point because I think it's bullshit that mom's lay there waiting to be called on...and it happens. Gee, why AM I so tired? Julia: Mom. That's just how she said it, too. I go running: WHAT? I need water please.
I wanted to cuss up a storm over that kind of treatment, but I didn't. In my head I did.
So. Jordan and I are finally sleeping (For what it's worth, no one sleeps in my bed other than Cullen, ever). *Chuck* comes busting in the room. "You need to get up, baby!" and leaves. I thought someone had died. Immediately I'm out of bed, CHASING AFTER HIM. "Wait! What happened?" and he says "Nothing. I need to go to bed. Get up."

OHHHHHH, I thought to myself, OF COURSE!! I looked at the clock. I OVERSLEPT! It's EIGHT AM. I should have been up at least a half hour ago! NO WONDER he couldn't wake me up in a nice, less harsh manner! No WONDER! I don't deserve that! I overslept! He RAN to Fed Ex and home today, and here I am, lazy bitch, still asleep at 8am. How DARE I!? I'm shocked and appalled at my blantant rudeness.

Jackass.
I want a wife, and I want her NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate stupid fricken weekends.

Is now a good time to mention that last night *Chuck* called CJ after they were in bed, to tell them that they could get up and watch TV til 9? "Tell your mom I'll give her a nap tomorrow." He knows damned well that there is no nap in my future. None.
I don't see one happening. But I'm going to highly encourage it- HOWEVER, here I go being selfish again...I have to go to Suzanne's at 10:30, so he's only getting 2 hours of sleep instead of his normal 4.

I HATE STUPID WEEKENDS! DO YOU HEAR ME? THEY AREN'T WEEKENDS, THEY AREN'T FUN, AND I GET SCREWED!!!!!!
ME, ME, ME! I know.
I'll snap out of it. I keep forgetting that THIS BULLSHIT is what I "Signed up for" by getting married and having kids.
SIGH.

Okay. I'm going to go feed my babies and make breakfast and work out. *Chuck*'s future isn't looking bright today.

I GET TO START TESTING!!!

I'm so sorry to all the lovies in my life who will hear this at least 3 times from me. BUT! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! I get to start testing! I get to start testing! I got a letter back from the U of M's transplant center. I get to start testing! I'm so excited! I can't believe I don't actually physically BOUNCE. One of these times surely I'll just start floating, don't you think? I wish. Anything would help. All i can really do is talk super fast and hope that whoever I'm talking to understands.
I'm going to set up that appt next week and get on it AS FAST AS I CAN! It's Hepatitis B and C testing, and HIV. I'm clear, of course, and have been tested before. Then after they fax the results to the Transplant Center, I will have an appt to go there and finish the evaluations. There will be an MRI so that they can actually SEE my kidneys. Some people only have one, some have 3, most of us have 2. They will be able to see which one actually will be easiest to remove, and they need to ensure that the other one looks perfect. And, of course, the crazy-testing they do, and everything else.
I. Cannot. Wait!!!!!!!!

Oh dear God, help me get through tonight.

Okay, I just have to make it through this one night. That's all. It's like 2.5 hours away, the end of the day and I will have made it.

I'm sure that the kids feel it too, don't you think? The end of the week? They must. But still. If I ask nicely, will you please come shoot me now?

BREATHE IN, AND OUT. The work day isn't even over yet. Thank God they call my house phone so I can be of help.

Dinner is almost ready.

The two crying boys have stopped crying. The basement and their room is finally clean.

There are 6 kids here, but I really adore the neighbor kids. I really, truly enjoy them. They are really cute, and they are so much fun for them to play with.

See? I'm almost better already.

BUT-
if one more person asks me for something, I might lose it.

: ) Maybe I'll survive as long as it's only a short person doing the asking.

There were good parts to today, though, too. I was "covered". Someone finally had enough of me being asked for things that aren't for me to be answering. That person counts for alot, and when I had a Papa Bear Has Had Enough moment, I have to say, it was nice. I was the cub again for a second, and it was good.

Okay. I'm gathering up my guts to go face the crazies up there. I do get to get out to go grocery shopping alone, YIPEEE!!!

On to another day!

Black Friday

I think that I might hate Friday's. I could be wrong, and I'm almost positive that if I mind screw myself just right, I will find a way to like Fridays again. But for now, I want to yell BOOOO! HIIIISSSSSS!!!!

I know I've said it before. Weekends are not really weekends. There is no break, really. I won't get to sleep in. I will still have to clean. I will still want to just hang out with the kids. Then once Cullen gets up, the kids will hang around him and I'll get to take care of the things that aren't getting taken care of.
See? I have to find a way around this hate of the weekends. At least I don't have to work then, right?

It probably doesn't help that I wait up for Cullen Thursday nights, and he doesn't get home til stinkin 12am. But every week, I decide to do it, that I'll go ahead and be deathly tired on Friday, and every Friday, I am. But I still do it because..Thursday nights are fun! And he's my friend and it's so good to see him and hang out with him and reconnect again! Work calls...and calls...and calls. TTFN!

The stories are incredible!

OMIGOSH! I am the luckiest girl in the whole wide universe. You should HEAR these stories!!! And I just learned something else! It seems that for most of these people that I have contacted (kidney donors), it is a GIFT TO THEM that I asked and that they get to talk about it again. That makes all the sense in the world! It makes me want to contact each of them and get their stories- it makes my insides tickle with happiness, hearing it. Do you have any idea how big LIFE is?! Oh, I wish I could make this process go faster, but all in good time, right? Life is the biggest thing in the world- and it never ends. But to be able to do this!? Oh, please, please God. If I can't be a surrogate (IF, hahah!! Where would I grow the baby now?!) please, please let me help someone this way.
One of the donors I contacted volunteers at the U of M, did I tell you that already? She speaks to potential donors, so I might get to meet her at some point. I'm getting so excited! They have to have my paperwork any day now.

I have the all time bestest friends on the planet, too, did you know that? Someday it would be really fun to write a little note about each one, because they really have no idea the gift that they are to me. But I'd be here forever, wouldn't I? I love so many people. I really, really am so lucky and thankful.

I wish I could hug the world. That's what I'm going to do when I'm out of my body someday. Hug the world, then go planet bouncing. : )

PS..

I wonder if it's inappropriate to post the email replies I've gotten from previous donors? There are some really cool stories out there!

A glimpse into crazy...

jen, I'll apologize to you now because I'm sure cutting your toenails would be more entertaining but I really do have to think out loud!
I need to examine a couple of things, so that I can be assured that I am being honest with myself.

1. I am an attention whore.
The person who said this said it mostly in jest, but truly, I am! But I'm more interested in knowing if I do the things I do for attention, and I don't think that I do. It's a nice side effect, as I said to someone who openly agreed with the assessment. And I way prefer good attention as opposed to negative attention. However, there are some things that I do and don't tell anyone about, because I don't want the attention. And there are things that I only tell certain people because I feel like they understand. Or it's okay to say to them "I'm telling you this because I am having an experience that I want to share, but I really don't need any positive attention from it." Ya know? Well, that's how I feel anyway. I don't want to hear that I'm great. I'm much more touched when someone sees something and thinks "I can do that too!" and comes along for the ride or is inspired to do something themselves. THAT is what touches me. I'm absolutely clear on this. THAT is why I post it on facebook in front of everyone. In hopes that someone will realize that they can create something good for themselves too, IF THEY WANT TO! That brings up another point:

2. For the love of God, people, I don't ever mean to make anyone feel defensive. It's amazing. I never got to be a surrogate, but people sure start defending why *they* couldn't do it as soon as I'd mention it. It made me feel bad and not want to talk about it. Any guesses on how a kidney donation will make them react? GOSH I HOPE I GET TO! Or maybe I should just say I'm GOING TO. I'm GOING TO! I'm GOING TO! But it isn't about them- unless it is, of course. Wouldn't that be the coolest thing in the whole entire universe if someone else decided to do it, too? I read something about a couple of NEAD's (Never Ending Altruistic Donor) chains that have started, with kidney donation. But that is still not why I am doing it.

3. Am I selfish?
In a way, I am. I already thought that one through. I have no concerns about dying or infection or anything not going well. My kids will do fine with me in recovery again. I'm positive that my selfishness is in the right place. Guess how many people are waiting for a kidney in the US? 75,000. These are people already in kidney failure, who's lives are made much more painful and harder because of dialysis. Did you know that the average kidney from a living donor buys them 10-15 years of LIFE?! And that every single day, an average of 12 people on that list die waiting? There aren't enough dead donors, let alone live ones. I can do this! I can help. Selfish? Where was selfish when I had my uterus removed? That wasn't an emergency, and it was major surgery, it carried the same risk as this. Not one person told me I shouldn't do it because of the WHAT IF's. I drive in a car with children often. That has to be way more dangerous.

4. Back to attention whore, because I'm sure that people actually do think that I do what I do out loud for the attention. But I don't. I much rather not hear anyone tell me that I have a good heart. Going to the shelter last Sunday---- I felt more touched by the people who rolled out of bed to show up than anything. I prayed over the food I made, I made it with love, I sent everyone there love while i watched them come get food, but know what? They are still there. We didn't solve anything, we just made a meal. Know what I mean? But everyone who came to help didn't have to do that, they chose to, and THAT gets me. I LOVE that! oh, hell. I supose some people will just think that about me anyways. I shouldn't let anything anyone says affect me. And I should be used to it by now anyhoo. What does it mean if I'm not?

Stop Everything! Cullen is happy!

Does that sound bratty? I don't really mean it to be. He and I are on different planets as much as we are on the same planet. I supose I own an entire planet by myself though.
His learning disability really jacked him up. I have to remind myself that everything is perfect, happens perfectly and for a good reason. My darling husband was traumatized, and back then when we were young...well the help wasn't all that great. So instead of finding out how he learned best, and having some serious one on one learning going on, Cullen never had anyone he trusted enough. Instead, he lived in fear of being called on, asked to read, etc. That has carried over til now. He had classes he needed to take and just couldn't, they just wrecked him, those stupid classes. He know conciously that he is still reacting like he did as a kid, but it's so hard to overcome some of those fears.
Anyways- with the loss of that job, he was jobless, and working for himself. Not the same. I don't even know how we made it through those years. He was disappointed in himself, and feeling like he was letting us down. I know that I was stressed out to the point of ...I don't even know. I am sure that I didn't help. But we had these 4 kids to take care of, and I ...well. Ick,that time really sucked. I did like that the kids had their dad around so much. Most kids aren't that lucky, and since he loves playing with them and taking them out...that worked out well. ANYWAYS. At some point, he had enough of feeling however he was feeling- which couldn't have been good. The only thing I asked for, for Christmas was for him to stop smoking and chewing. That was...I don't know? 3 years ago? He did it. He is SUCH a rockstar. He is one of the most determined people I know. When he's going to do something, he does it. Then he started running. At one point he was running 8 miles a day. He finally settled down and decided 5-6 miles a day is good enough. And he's been doing it ever since.
So you can imagine that a person would feel better physically, and that of course leaks over into emotionally also. He's a pain in the ass when he doesn't run for a few days. It really keeps his head clear and he doesn't stress out so much. I wish I could run or even work out. Someday I can try to tackle that, I supose. Not now though! Anyways---- It was rough after surgery, obviously. But something about that time, something about that brokenness...it was like his breakthrough or something. I don't know.
We moved in here and all of the sudden, he totally...blossomed? That's such a girlie word to use. But he's...fully present here. He loves the neighbors, and he sees the potential in things instead of the "have to's"...he sees friends around, I don't know. The other night I said "How was your day?" and he didn't say anything. I asked if he felt frustrated about something. He said "No. I actually feel all the way happy right now!" And i seriously don't know if I've ever heard him say that! It isn't that he's Eeyore or anything (okay, almost everyone is compared to me and my over excitedness about everything), but I feel like outside things have mattered so much to him, and he's finally getting that it isn't anything out there...it's all inside. I don't know. But I'm happy for him. I can't say that he acts any differently...but I was watching him talk to our neighbor the other night, and he didn't know that I was watching, and there was something different about him. Maybe I was seeing him actually CONNECT with someone? I don't know. He's connected to ME. I mean...he keeps me grounded and blah blah blah- but maybe there were so few people that he actually connected to?
Don't know.
But write it down.
The boy is happy. All the way through. Welcome to Nickiland.

Excuse me...Can I ask you about your kidney donation?

Ugh.
In an effort to arm myself with as much knowledge as possible, and to be able to say that I have actually talked with people who have done it, I have sent off some emails to people from the list...it's my all time favorite list EVER now...to see how recovery was for them. What I feel nervous about is the fact that it's possible that some of these didn't turn out so well, and if someone is just going along their day, and all is well, and then BLAM! They get an email from some nosy biatch who just reminded them that their son is not well, or what have you. Ya know? But I am keeping this list for ever and ever even if I don't get to do this, as proof that there is good in the world. There are 3 non-directed donor's on there...that's what I would be. I have 51 names, addresses, phone numbers, emails, of beautiful souls who gave of themselves this way. I LOVE IT! Donated to Mother, Donated to Father, Donated to son, donated to friend, non directed donor. LOVE IT.
Faxed over my 2 forms of verification that my blood type really, truly is A+.
I wonder if I had a megaphone big enough so that the entire world could hear me, and I could scream at the top of my lungs until I was so exhausted that I dropped...I wonder if THAT would make me feel better?
We'll never know, will we.
*DRAMATIC SIGH*

Hey, guess what? I AM NOT MY BODY!!!!

Chocolate

I had the worst nightmare the other night. THANK GOD the really severe ones don't happen very often anymore. I was in Afghanastan, and the terrorists were at the hotel full of Amercian families, visiting their (our) loved ones. They blocked all the entrances. They were just raising HELL, and everyone was sooo terrified. I woke up sobbing. It reminded me of the Iraq dream, years ago, and the woman being raped and how they would just kill anyone who tried to help. Her horrified screams as she was raped and beaten... :(

Anyway- the latest one reminded me of the video for Snow Patrol's Chocolate. It's BRILLIANT! In my dream, at 2pm, the suicide bomber was coming, and that's where everyone's panic came in. In the video, the world is going to end when the timer runs out, and people are just losing their MINDS. It has nothing really to do with the song, but I LOVE the video. I wonder what I would do. People in the vid are eating as much as they can, some are sexing it up, some are running around, just out of their heads. Then, right as the timer runs out, he flips it- bringing relief that the world isn't about to end, but then the panic sets in all over again, because it's going to end when the timer runs out. BRILLIANT!!!!!!! Isn't that how we act sometimes? So worried about the next thing that's going to happen, and we miss out on all the NOW moments.

Then again, would it be so bad if the world just ....went away?

She called!

My paperwork is in the mail and I will fax her my 2 forms of verification on my blood type. She said that there is a 3 month "cooling off" period after they receive my info as they start the evaluation, so we've got a little time. That will probably be good. I'll have to consider using that 3 months to share this with the people that i'm most worried about being upset by it.

She said a hysterectomy in no way disqualifies me. YIPPEEE!!!

The Gratuitous Princess

Okay, I'm getting a grip. I think it's a good one. I think.
Did you know that I have total and complete control over how anything in the world affects me? I am and have been aware of it, and I have been conciously putting forth an effort to make concious decisions about how things affect me. I'm getting pretty good at it, sometimes. The hardest person, for me, of course, is Cullen.
AS YOU HEARD, I struggle every so often with being the one mainly on duty all the time. On weekends, he plays with the kids, and I usually "get out" one way or another, but I'm the one to get up and get them going in the mornings. I get resentful of that, and I'd like to get over it. Truly, I do pretty good. My sister and mom hear about my frustrations more than anyone, but I have found that in general, we all share pretty much the same frustrations, which is interesting to me. That all plays into my marriage theories though.
Anyways, I am so thankful for the things I do get from him. Food is his main way of making me happy (I think that was from me being pregnant for 5 years). The other night, he knew I hadn't eaten (ahem...i don't cook on weekends. Neither does he. Great.) and got me food without me asking for anything. I love that! I stole a nap yesterday, and I loved that. I want to require nothing from him, so that I can just hoover in happiness. Most of the time, I am extremely happy feeling on the inside, but when I'm not, it has to do with Cullen. I want to make that stop entirely. We don't even argue, I work most everything out in my head, but I want to do it without being resentful, ya know? I guess I'm never bored.
The transplant coordinator called me back. I missed the call. I'm going to stalk her again shortly. : ) Here's hoping! I'm nervous because at some point I'll have to tell SOME people, and the people closest to me will have the hardest time with it until it's done and over with and I'm recovered again. I'm so nervous about that part. I'm going to wait until I'm accepted as a donor and the testing starts. I should start preparing myself in case I have to wait, right? I should assume they will want me to wait, and that I'm going to have to start searching for something else to feed the beast inside of me, right? A friend mentioned that doing this seems to border on being selfish, and I've thought about that all weekend long. Know what? It's true! I have a total lack of worry about dying during the procedure (It has never occured in over 2,500 living transplant donor's at the U of M, and nationally the percentage is .03%). And having been through one recovery in which *I* did well but *Cullen*, not so much, we've talked alot about what we can do differently this next time. I felt emotionally alone in it, and frustrated by how quickly he was ready to be "done" helping me out, and to top it off, I didn't feel like he understood how incredibly well I was actually doing. Of course he couldn't, he's never even been put under. This time I have hopes of it being different. And he is totally behind me in this, which is an awesome feeling. He mailed me paperwork in today, and I...well, I just can't wait! My biggest fear is having to tell the people closest to me, the people who may feel like my precious children will suffer somehow from me being in recovery again. They did just fine last time, and still check in to see if I'm doing okay, or if I should be doing this, that or the other thing. The first time I took the stairs 2 at a time, they CLAPPED for me, is that the cutest thing ever? It might be selfish- I need to do SOMETHING, andthis is what I want to do. I'm not concered about dying, or infections, or the couple of weeks that I will be slower than normal again. Someone, right this minute, is on dialysis, someone is waiting. Someone's family is praying. Someone cries by themselves, with worry for thier loved one. I can totally live with one kidney.
If I even get to do this.

HA!

It's a little funny. Cullen gives me crap all the time about this very thing. He always tells me to give him a second before talking, so he can "buckle his seatbelt" and be ready for the rollercoaster.

:)

I am so totally going to take a nap, right now! YAY ME!

And this is me, tired.

I think that I go a fair amount of time between crabby tired weekends. I'm having one this weekend. I'm going to tell you about it in hopes that it will save everyone around me from me. So far, not so much.
Here's the deal.
Cullen works 2 jobs. He comes home from one, sleeps, gets up, runs, and goes to the next one. He works Sat am's too, so after that he comes home and sleeps- which means that Saturdays are no different for me other than not needing to try to slam work into my day. Sundays are his first day to sleep in---- which means that I'm still getting up in the am and doing all the normal home stuff that I do every other day. Monday he does not work in the am, but guess what! I DO! Do you hear me? I don't get to sleep in. I don't get a morning off. It's a rare weekend that I catch a nap.
Today we got up at 4:30am to go to the shelter and make breakfast. I'm tired and crabby from being "on duty". Maybe I shouldn't be? I got to go out to lunch yesterday, which is like therapy, maybe that is suposed to get me through? Maybe I should be more sympathetic to my husband? I offer for him to quit a job all the time and he refuses. Maybe I need to just shut up and go to bed at 9pm every night? Or stop feeling lonely at night and find a way to really enjoy it to pieces and that is my "break"? I don't know!
I know that Cullen is sleeping, and then going to play football, and then going golfing, while I am going to go clean Suzanne's house and then come home and watch the kids some more while he goes golfing, and I'm snippy and crabby and near tears.
MOMMA NEEDS A FREAKIN NAP.
Can't you just hear the nay-sayers? "This is what motherhood is about." "BUT YOUR HUSBAND WORKS SOOOOO HARD!" "Things could be worse."
CRABBY! NO TOLERANCE!!!!
:(

I'm missing something, I think...

Brain cells? I don't know what I'm missing. I'm trying really hard to get it all to make sense in my head, and to make sure that I'm not taking anything for granted. And I can't seem to find the right words to make any of it sound right. As usual.
So- we went to the shelter today to make breakfast. First of all, I was so tickled because on the outside of the church there is a huge banner with my all time favorite saying on it EVER, the Do All The Good You Can thing. I love it. It makes me GO, and makes me stop and think, wherever I am about what I could do to make the moment better. And that let me know that I/we were in the right place, doing the right thing. LOVE IT.
I am touched beyond words that Kim and Travis, who were at a concert last night, made it there at such an early hour. I am so touched that Shawn, Erin, her daughter and nephew came to help at such an early hour. I am amazed by Becky, a mother of 2 young kids, rolled out of bed to come help. I love their hearts! LOVE THEM! I didn't solicit them for help, they wanted to help and so they did. Isn't that beautiful? I love it. Breakfast went well, we had enough food, and it was very nice to be appreciated.
I don't know if I was hoping that it would squash the annoying, constant urge to DO SOMETHING, but it didn't. Cullen got upset and thought that I felt "disappointed" in breakfast- which I did not. He also warned me that if I really think that donating a kidney will squash it, that I should start preparing myself for the surprise that after I'm healed from that surgery, should I get to do it, that I'll probably still feel the need. SIGH. That made me feel a little bit sad. I have been kinda hoping that that would cover me for awhile, again- IF I get to do it. OR maybe my problem is that I need to find one thing I really love, and stick with it, so I can feel "effective" by being there? I don't know. I don't flippin know. I don't think I want to do foster care. Working from home is pretty hard as is. I don't think I want to work with eating disordered people (Cullen keeps telling me I should), because that's very emotionally taxing for me. Although I'm not still eating disordered, I have a hard time with working out because it's very easy for me to slip back to that thinking and I worry that working with eating disordered people would just make me feel sad that I can't affect their will, ya know? Maybe I can stay with Simpson Housing and pick up something semi permanent there?
I DON'T KNOW.
Cullen is not worried about me losing my life, if I get to donate a kidney. I am not either. Recovery is recovery, but we've been through a recovery once, and I feel like I'll recover from the kidney faster, for some reason. I hope I have that right. I had imagined, before the hyst, that I would take longer to bounce back from that, because of the emotional ties to it. But I was wrong, I didn't feel any emotional ties to it, and I was back at about 65% by 3 weeks, 75% by four weeks and 95% by 5 weeks, 100% by 6 weeks. I'm 12 weeks out tomorrow and feel incredible. INCREDIBLE. I had all 4 kids by myself at 3 weeks post op from that one, so I do feel like I can make it through another recovery.
Should I be donating blood as often as I can?
I can't think of anything, right now, that will make me feel like i'm doing ENOUGH.
BLOODY HELL! :)
Oh well. Try, try again, right? One of these times maybe I'll find us something to do and it will make me feel whatever I'm looking for on the inside and I'll know that's where I (we?) need to keep being?
It isn't that I'm good, either. It's that I'm out of my mind. Pretty sure.
Sigh.
STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

It's here again!

It started yesterday. I know that part of it might be that Sunday we get to go to the homeless shelter, or maybe it's that I feel so well since surgery. I still have this annoying annoying feeling that I need to do something BIG. It's been on my mind, and then I read Natalie Cole's story- she needed and received a kidney- from a cadaver- and it just lit the fire again. I'm so irritated that people are just dying every day, waiting. And here we have 2 of them, and we function fine with one, and we're content letting people die waiting. It's so incredible! I mean- I understand, but on the other hand, I don't. It's like with the homeless people- the argument is that so many of those people are on drugs and alcohol and that they aren't ready to help themselves and we don't know which ones are "worth" helping, right? Why give em a $20 if they're going to go buy a hit? But bigger than that is the fact that everyone- EVERYONE deserves somewhere to sleep, don't they? Or at the very least, not to be starving? Shit, think of how much food McDonalds tosses out a day. Have you seen what gas stations do with their bananas? Into a huge garbage bag, and out they go. It's RIDICULOUS!
The only thing that makes me slightly nervous- and probably, unfortunatetly for those around me- it won't be enough to stop me from trying to donate...is the recovery. Now, I know I bounce back quickly. Even from the hyst, it might have felt different than anything I've been through, but to be "down" for only 3 weeks is amazing. I still won't lift, push or pull anything massively heavy, but I feel like a trillion dollars. So, what I've done is this: I've called my new friend Cathy Garvey (which is my maiden name...interesting!) and left her another message, asking how long they like to wait between surgeries. I've got Cullen's blessing on moving forward. The ONLY other thing that makes me a teeny, tiny bit nervous is that the last time I wanted to do something big with a body part, I ended up getting rid of it, so I'm scared that kidney disease is setting in right now. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Did I already tell you that if you get kidney disease, it gets both of them, not just one? That's why I am not worried about "needing" a kidney later on. If I get kidney disease, whether I've donated one or not, both kidney's are biting the dust. I did not know that! The people who have donated kidney's say that it's been a positive life experience.
The more agitating part of this is the underlying ...irritation! Maybe if I think of it as the "Drive" it won't be so irritating, but LAWDY! I tell you, it makes me anty and itchy and crabby that I can't do more. Which is how I'm feeling right now. I hope Sunday feels good, and that buying that family Christmas gifts helps because I look around and just feel frustrated. I think that's part of my need to do something BIG too. I KNOW that surrogacy leaves a huge imprint. I KNOW that donating a kidney is literally saving someone's life. This other stuff is just throwing love out into the world. I shouldn't say "just", but the homeless epidemic is never ending. Trying to feed the hungry people- while we could solve it quickly and easily, we aren't going to, and that problem will keep being here. Trying to stop abuse is the same way. And when I think of that the "wrong" way, I feel helpless and worthless and that there's no point in trying. When I think that it's just opportunities and try to remember that when this life is over ,we are all okay and go home where everything is perfect again....well...then it feels a little better.
Can I handle another few weeks of being down? Will having 2 organs removed make everything else in me slide? If this doesn't work, I seriously, honestly, don't know what I'll do. I have to make this stupid noise in my head STOP.
And can I tell you something else? Sometimes I don't even want to talk about any of it, because I don't want to hear about my "good" heart. I don't feel "good". I just want to stop this irritated feeling that there's so much more going on in this world than what's happening in my small world, and that I can show my babies what is REALLY important.
ACK! Make it stop!