Brain cells? I don't know what I'm missing. I'm trying really hard to get it all to make sense in my head, and to make sure that I'm not taking anything for granted. And I can't seem to find the right words to make any of it sound right. As usual.
So- we went to the shelter today to make breakfast. First of all, I was so tickled because on the outside of the church there is a huge banner with my all time favorite saying on it EVER, the Do All The Good You Can thing. I love it. It makes me GO, and makes me stop and think, wherever I am about what I could do to make the moment better. And that let me know that I/we were in the right place, doing the right thing. LOVE IT.
I am touched beyond words that Kim and Travis, who were at a concert last night, made it there at such an early hour. I am so touched that Shawn, Erin, her daughter and nephew came to help at such an early hour. I am amazed by Becky, a mother of 2 young kids, rolled out of bed to come help. I love their hearts! LOVE THEM! I didn't solicit them for help, they wanted to help and so they did. Isn't that beautiful? I love it. Breakfast went well, we had enough food, and it was very nice to be appreciated.
I don't know if I was hoping that it would squash the annoying, constant urge to DO SOMETHING, but it didn't. Cullen got upset and thought that I felt "disappointed" in breakfast- which I did not. He also warned me that if I really think that donating a kidney will squash it, that I should start preparing myself for the surprise that after I'm healed from that surgery, should I get to do it, that I'll probably still feel the need. SIGH. That made me feel a little bit sad. I have been kinda hoping that that would cover me for awhile, again- IF I get to do it. OR maybe my problem is that I need to find one thing I really love, and stick with it, so I can feel "effective" by being there? I don't know. I don't flippin know. I don't think I want to do foster care. Working from home is pretty hard as is. I don't think I want to work with eating disordered people (Cullen keeps telling me I should), because that's very emotionally taxing for me. Although I'm not still eating disordered, I have a hard time with working out because it's very easy for me to slip back to that thinking and I worry that working with eating disordered people would just make me feel sad that I can't affect their will, ya know? Maybe I can stay with Simpson Housing and pick up something semi permanent there?
I DON'T KNOW.
Cullen is not worried about me losing my life, if I get to donate a kidney. I am not either. Recovery is recovery, but we've been through a recovery once, and I feel like I'll recover from the kidney faster, for some reason. I hope I have that right. I had imagined, before the hyst, that I would take longer to bounce back from that, because of the emotional ties to it. But I was wrong, I didn't feel any emotional ties to it, and I was back at about 65% by 3 weeks, 75% by four weeks and 95% by 5 weeks, 100% by 6 weeks. I'm 12 weeks out tomorrow and feel incredible. INCREDIBLE. I had all 4 kids by myself at 3 weeks post op from that one, so I do feel like I can make it through another recovery.
Should I be donating blood as often as I can?
I can't think of anything, right now, that will make me feel like i'm doing ENOUGH.
BLOODY HELL! :)
Oh well. Try, try again, right? One of these times maybe I'll find us something to do and it will make me feel whatever I'm looking for on the inside and I'll know that's where I (we?) need to keep being?
It isn't that I'm good, either. It's that I'm out of my mind. Pretty sure.
Sigh.
STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR
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