It started yesterday. I know that part of it might be that Sunday we get to go to the homeless shelter, or maybe it's that I feel so well since surgery. I still have this annoying annoying feeling that I need to do something BIG. It's been on my mind, and then I read Natalie Cole's story- she needed and received a kidney- from a cadaver- and it just lit the fire again. I'm so irritated that people are just dying every day, waiting. And here we have 2 of them, and we function fine with one, and we're content letting people die waiting. It's so incredible! I mean- I understand, but on the other hand, I don't. It's like with the homeless people- the argument is that so many of those people are on drugs and alcohol and that they aren't ready to help themselves and we don't know which ones are "worth" helping, right? Why give em a $20 if they're going to go buy a hit? But bigger than that is the fact that everyone- EVERYONE deserves somewhere to sleep, don't they? Or at the very least, not to be starving? Shit, think of how much food McDonalds tosses out a day. Have you seen what gas stations do with their bananas? Into a huge garbage bag, and out they go. It's RIDICULOUS!
The only thing that makes me slightly nervous- and probably, unfortunatetly for those around me- it won't be enough to stop me from trying to donate...is the recovery. Now, I know I bounce back quickly. Even from the hyst, it might have felt different than anything I've been through, but to be "down" for only 3 weeks is amazing. I still won't lift, push or pull anything massively heavy, but I feel like a trillion dollars. So, what I've done is this: I've called my new friend Cathy Garvey (which is my maiden name...interesting!) and left her another message, asking how long they like to wait between surgeries. I've got Cullen's blessing on moving forward. The ONLY other thing that makes me a teeny, tiny bit nervous is that the last time I wanted to do something big with a body part, I ended up getting rid of it, so I'm scared that kidney disease is setting in right now. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Did I already tell you that if you get kidney disease, it gets both of them, not just one? That's why I am not worried about "needing" a kidney later on. If I get kidney disease, whether I've donated one or not, both kidney's are biting the dust. I did not know that! The people who have donated kidney's say that it's been a positive life experience.
The more agitating part of this is the underlying ...irritation! Maybe if I think of it as the "Drive" it won't be so irritating, but LAWDY! I tell you, it makes me anty and itchy and crabby that I can't do more. Which is how I'm feeling right now. I hope Sunday feels good, and that buying that family Christmas gifts helps because I look around and just feel frustrated. I think that's part of my need to do something BIG too. I KNOW that surrogacy leaves a huge imprint. I KNOW that donating a kidney is literally saving someone's life. This other stuff is just throwing love out into the world. I shouldn't say "just", but the homeless epidemic is never ending. Trying to feed the hungry people- while we could solve it quickly and easily, we aren't going to, and that problem will keep being here. Trying to stop abuse is the same way. And when I think of that the "wrong" way, I feel helpless and worthless and that there's no point in trying. When I think that it's just opportunities and try to remember that when this life is over ,we are all okay and go home where everything is perfect again....well...then it feels a little better.
Can I handle another few weeks of being down? Will having 2 organs removed make everything else in me slide? If this doesn't work, I seriously, honestly, don't know what I'll do. I have to make this stupid noise in my head STOP.
And can I tell you something else? Sometimes I don't even want to talk about any of it, because I don't want to hear about my "good" heart. I don't feel "good". I just want to stop this irritated feeling that there's so much more going on in this world than what's happening in my small world, and that I can show my babies what is REALLY important.
ACK! Make it stop!
No comments:
Post a Comment