I just had a very scary conversation (I was scared to have it) ...but it was well received. It was almost like...he KNEW. hahhahahaha!
YAY. YAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, September 21, 2009
He's got the whole world, in his hands...
I feel frustrated today.
I'm patiently sitting on my frustration, hoping that either it will go away or that I will settle down enough to somehow have a conversation that will help resolve it, but I'm not so sure that such a conversation is in exsistence. The one that I had Saturday night did nothing but make this worse for me on the inside, and I'm very, very, VERY sad to say that what was said by the other party (hahahhahaha, I'm only not naming him out of respect for him but we all know of whom I speak!!!) was HIS TRUTH---- and there's nothing I can do but honor that. And hate him a little bit, of course.
All of this is compounded by the fact that I have THE ALL IMPORTANT dr appt tomorrow afternoon and he has been WITHOUT for FIVE WEEKS TODAY and GOD HELP ME he won't leave me the hell alone! UGH! Nothing I do keeps him away. I swear he looks at me and drools like I'm a filet mignon. Sorry for the TMI but that first time is going to be a pretty big deal for me, and although he's practically a pro at helping me for all the first times that freak me out, me not liking him is not boding well and WHEN do I have time to have this conversation with him?
He's got the whole world in his hands. He has all of his friends and family gushing over him. He's lost 75 pounds in the past 2 years but they aren't over it yet, they still fawn over him, which is all good and well. He runs every day, he lifts, yay for him. He's working 2 jobs, yay for him. While I understand perfectly clearly that he did all he felt he could do for 2 weeks after my surgery, and I do appreciate him not forcing me back to normal before the 3 week mark (yay for him? Um.....), the fact that he couldn't manage doing what I do all the damned time for that small amount of time without complaining about HOW HARD IT WAS ON HIM and STILL not acknowledging that that is my life EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR....I'm mad and resentful and when he gets frustrated with me for the fact that I'm not as anal about everything being clean all the time etc....you'd think he'd get it now. But he doesn't, because he can't stop looking at himself long enough to see ME or what my life is like. And my life is fine. He brings me coffee some mornings and throws a load of wash in, my life is fine. Sometimes he brings the kids to school in the am, my life is fine. The things he said are just so not okay, he said the worst things ever. He has me trained to NOT NEED HIM- and we don't, we function without and anything he does is a bonus for me- but ...oh, the things he said. :( He has it made. He does. This is probably my own fault somehow because I DO do everything and there is nothing required of him at all. And then I do stupid things like cater to him, even when I'm mad. I don't know why. Maybe it's my passive aggressiveness. But I don't trust myself to tell him how MAD I am on the inside because ...well, like I said....that conversation doesn't go anywhere. UGH.
On a much happier note, the song WILD HORSES by the Rolling Stones caught my attention. So I wikipedia'd it to find out who actually did it first. It was the RS's first, and Jaggar says that he was very emotionally involved in the song. Those are THE best songs, aren't they? The ones that count and mean something? Wouldn't that be the all time best feeling ever--- to write a song that means so much to you, and then have dozens of people love it so much that they cover it too? That made me really happy. If I knew him, I'd call him up and tell him how happy that made me to know. Because I am, afterall, still a complete dork.
Off to be a dork some more.
I'm patiently sitting on my frustration, hoping that either it will go away or that I will settle down enough to somehow have a conversation that will help resolve it, but I'm not so sure that such a conversation is in exsistence. The one that I had Saturday night did nothing but make this worse for me on the inside, and I'm very, very, VERY sad to say that what was said by the other party (hahahhahaha, I'm only not naming him out of respect for him but we all know of whom I speak!!!) was HIS TRUTH---- and there's nothing I can do but honor that. And hate him a little bit, of course.
All of this is compounded by the fact that I have THE ALL IMPORTANT dr appt tomorrow afternoon and he has been WITHOUT for FIVE WEEKS TODAY and GOD HELP ME he won't leave me the hell alone! UGH! Nothing I do keeps him away. I swear he looks at me and drools like I'm a filet mignon. Sorry for the TMI but that first time is going to be a pretty big deal for me, and although he's practically a pro at helping me for all the first times that freak me out, me not liking him is not boding well and WHEN do I have time to have this conversation with him?
He's got the whole world in his hands. He has all of his friends and family gushing over him. He's lost 75 pounds in the past 2 years but they aren't over it yet, they still fawn over him, which is all good and well. He runs every day, he lifts, yay for him. He's working 2 jobs, yay for him. While I understand perfectly clearly that he did all he felt he could do for 2 weeks after my surgery, and I do appreciate him not forcing me back to normal before the 3 week mark (yay for him? Um.....), the fact that he couldn't manage doing what I do all the damned time for that small amount of time without complaining about HOW HARD IT WAS ON HIM and STILL not acknowledging that that is my life EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR....I'm mad and resentful and when he gets frustrated with me for the fact that I'm not as anal about everything being clean all the time etc....you'd think he'd get it now. But he doesn't, because he can't stop looking at himself long enough to see ME or what my life is like. And my life is fine. He brings me coffee some mornings and throws a load of wash in, my life is fine. Sometimes he brings the kids to school in the am, my life is fine. The things he said are just so not okay, he said the worst things ever. He has me trained to NOT NEED HIM- and we don't, we function without and anything he does is a bonus for me- but ...oh, the things he said. :( He has it made. He does. This is probably my own fault somehow because I DO do everything and there is nothing required of him at all. And then I do stupid things like cater to him, even when I'm mad. I don't know why. Maybe it's my passive aggressiveness. But I don't trust myself to tell him how MAD I am on the inside because ...well, like I said....that conversation doesn't go anywhere. UGH.
On a much happier note, the song WILD HORSES by the Rolling Stones caught my attention. So I wikipedia'd it to find out who actually did it first. It was the RS's first, and Jaggar says that he was very emotionally involved in the song. Those are THE best songs, aren't they? The ones that count and mean something? Wouldn't that be the all time best feeling ever--- to write a song that means so much to you, and then have dozens of people love it so much that they cover it too? That made me really happy. If I knew him, I'd call him up and tell him how happy that made me to know. Because I am, afterall, still a complete dork.
Off to be a dork some more.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
And...she's SAFE!
Dear God,
I'll pay you money even though that doesn't mean a thing to You if you'll wake my ovaries up and not let me get my ass whooped by them again. Please. :) Thanks.
The cutest thing EVER is happening right now. Julia is up in her room bawling her head off over something. I'm unsure what because I really...just don't to hear more "he did...then I did...but then he did.." kind of stuff. Juliana, her friend, came in and went upstairs to comfort her. Girlfriends rock. The crying has stopped. They must be playing together. :)
I cleaned out my spider's cage today without taking her out of it. She was scared to death. Cullen can bite me- my spider is most definitely happy, and that has to be because I haven't made her let me hold her. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. It didn't scare me when she ran to the end of the cage though, so maybe someday I'll just scoop her into the container so I can clean her cage. I should just get a new one anyways, this one of Angies has hard water stains everywhere on it and I'm sick as hell of scrubbing the sides all for nothing.
Cullen is still a poop head but last night was a good night. He doesn't understand what he said wrong when he told me how hard this has been on HIM. He is SO never donating a kidney. I'd be the best all time support for him but I'm not sure I would want to be. No major surgery for him. I did remind him that he has totally forgotten to tell me that I'm a recovery rockstar, and he said "You are. But I have no idea what it's like." That's like...my cross to bear, right? Hasn't that what I've always been frustrated over? During pregnancies, when babies were born, the newborn stages, nursing, the hormones OH GOD the hormones...there is no way for a guy to understand. It's kind of sad, in a way. It's the ultimate divide. Oh well. THANK GOD for sisters and mom's and girlfriends and the men out there who at least try. He's out golfing with dad right now. I know at least 1 kid is upstairs. Hope the other 3 are safe. I can hear them out there, somewhere.
SIGH.
It was a good weekend though, really. I gobbled down the yummiest pizza ever last night and lay on the couch for the rest of the night. Today I got up and did our normal stuff and got him up at 10, and I went back to bed til 1pm. YAY ME! It's gotta be okay, right? To do nothing much on weekends so that I can make it through the week when it's ON? I'm saying YES. :)
Is it a little bit sad that so many...probably all of us, go through so many of the same things but in general we don't talk about it, whatever it might be? I guess my friends and family would laugh at me for that since I don't hold back half as much as they wish I would. But it irritates me that we're told and taught that this, that or the other is wrong and bad and don't do it and if you do, don't talk about it. Take your pick of subjects. Lord, I just read a post on my website from a girl who has never let one rip in front of her husband. She's freaking out about post surgery, and the gassiness that comes normally after having anest...I can't spell that word. MY GOD. Seriously? Not that I sit here and say CHECK THIS OUT (besides, Cullen's sister can outdo even her brothers) but PLEASE. Is it really that big of a freaking deal? (haha, said the girl who won't poop in public). I know that there, in general, things like MANNERS, or basic common sense, but still. We live in a world where we've made up all these crazy rules and we just are so good at judging people/ourselves when we don't "fit". Wait til I rule the world. It's gonna be FUN.
Billie Holiday, Strange Fruit
Louis Armstrong, What a Wonderful World
REM, Don't Go Back To Rockville
Billy Joel, You May Be Right
Lisa Loeb, Do You Sleep
Led Zepplin, D'yer Maker
Aldo Nova, Fantasy
Tesla, Love Song
Pop Evil ,100 in a 55
Music Box Dancer, Frank Mills
Archies, Sugar, Sugar
Patsy Cline, Crazy
I'll pay you money even though that doesn't mean a thing to You if you'll wake my ovaries up and not let me get my ass whooped by them again. Please. :) Thanks.
The cutest thing EVER is happening right now. Julia is up in her room bawling her head off over something. I'm unsure what because I really...just don't to hear more "he did...then I did...but then he did.." kind of stuff. Juliana, her friend, came in and went upstairs to comfort her. Girlfriends rock. The crying has stopped. They must be playing together. :)
I cleaned out my spider's cage today without taking her out of it. She was scared to death. Cullen can bite me- my spider is most definitely happy, and that has to be because I haven't made her let me hold her. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. It didn't scare me when she ran to the end of the cage though, so maybe someday I'll just scoop her into the container so I can clean her cage. I should just get a new one anyways, this one of Angies has hard water stains everywhere on it and I'm sick as hell of scrubbing the sides all for nothing.
Cullen is still a poop head but last night was a good night. He doesn't understand what he said wrong when he told me how hard this has been on HIM. He is SO never donating a kidney. I'd be the best all time support for him but I'm not sure I would want to be. No major surgery for him. I did remind him that he has totally forgotten to tell me that I'm a recovery rockstar, and he said "You are. But I have no idea what it's like." That's like...my cross to bear, right? Hasn't that what I've always been frustrated over? During pregnancies, when babies were born, the newborn stages, nursing, the hormones OH GOD the hormones...there is no way for a guy to understand. It's kind of sad, in a way. It's the ultimate divide. Oh well. THANK GOD for sisters and mom's and girlfriends and the men out there who at least try. He's out golfing with dad right now. I know at least 1 kid is upstairs. Hope the other 3 are safe. I can hear them out there, somewhere.
SIGH.
It was a good weekend though, really. I gobbled down the yummiest pizza ever last night and lay on the couch for the rest of the night. Today I got up and did our normal stuff and got him up at 10, and I went back to bed til 1pm. YAY ME! It's gotta be okay, right? To do nothing much on weekends so that I can make it through the week when it's ON? I'm saying YES. :)
Is it a little bit sad that so many...probably all of us, go through so many of the same things but in general we don't talk about it, whatever it might be? I guess my friends and family would laugh at me for that since I don't hold back half as much as they wish I would. But it irritates me that we're told and taught that this, that or the other is wrong and bad and don't do it and if you do, don't talk about it. Take your pick of subjects. Lord, I just read a post on my website from a girl who has never let one rip in front of her husband. She's freaking out about post surgery, and the gassiness that comes normally after having anest...I can't spell that word. MY GOD. Seriously? Not that I sit here and say CHECK THIS OUT (besides, Cullen's sister can outdo even her brothers) but PLEASE. Is it really that big of a freaking deal? (haha, said the girl who won't poop in public). I know that there, in general, things like MANNERS, or basic common sense, but still. We live in a world where we've made up all these crazy rules and we just are so good at judging people/ourselves when we don't "fit". Wait til I rule the world. It's gonna be FUN.
Billie Holiday, Strange Fruit
Louis Armstrong, What a Wonderful World
REM, Don't Go Back To Rockville
Billy Joel, You May Be Right
Lisa Loeb, Do You Sleep
Led Zepplin, D'yer Maker
Aldo Nova, Fantasy
Tesla, Love Song
Pop Evil ,100 in a 55
Music Box Dancer, Frank Mills
Archies, Sugar, Sugar
Patsy Cline, Crazy
Saturday, September 12, 2009
What I love...
1. I loved it last night when dad laid Jordan down, who was passed out, in bed. The only thing recognizeable about him was the blonde hair. Other than that, my darling was dirty dirty from his head to his dirty little feet. He was out like a light, and was the picture of a "FUN" day. He smelled like a bonfire and had sticky marshmallow around his mouth. It was awesome.
2. I love that after 25 minutes of Julia wailing and kicking, saying rude things (it was funny..."MOM! I DON'T LIKE YOUR PONY TAIL ANYMORE, OR YOUR HAIR, OR YOUR COMPUTER, OR YOUR COUCH, OR THIS HOUSE, OR OUR NEW ONE!!!") I completely stopped her in her tracks after she yelled "I WANT TO BREAK EVERYTHING!" because I so know that feeling. I looked at her and said "Oh, honey, I know that feeling too. It's hard to feel that way. Can you please come over here so I can snuggle you?" and bam! Crying, off. She came over and sobbed quietly in my arms for a minute before pulling herself together. Then it was over. Good God, help me during teen years.
3. I know that right now, even as I'm sad and mad and feeling let down, I know that I am loved by so many people and that I have friends who really, really care about me and hold me up and send me love and healing light, and it truly works and helps. Love floats me.
4. I ate some really yummy string cheese.
5. I have a vivid imagination and I'm USING IT. I'm imagining fish tacos from Doolittles, and boneless wings from Applebees and a burger from My Sisters Place. And I'm imagining laying on a beach far away where nothing matters and I have no responsibility to anyone at all. And then I'm in Africa silently watching some Lions. They know I'm there and it doesn't matter at all to them. I'm gliding over pyramids, I'm in the rainforest. I can be anywhere. I am EVERYWHERE!
6. I love Music Box Dancer. It makes me remember something from some other time.
7. I love Big Band and Swing. I'm a big flippin dork. I know it.
8. I love laughing my head off. Funny people are the best.
9. I love that my house is almost quiet and I'm going to go nap and stop bleeding.
10. I love food places that deliver.
11. I love the wedding I'm going to October 3rd. I dearly, dearly love the people getting married.
12. I love rocks. They are so old, it would be incredible to find out history of even one.
13. I love the Science Museum.
14. tee hee. I love the pineapple and feta cheese pizza I'm ordering for the low, low price of $7.99.
15. I love the delivery person that will bring it.
16. I love my mom and dad and the way they make me feel like I'm not a pain in the butt when I need help.
17. I love that someday I'm going to be the world's all time best support for someone I know who will have major surgery. I'm excited to give them that gift now that I know what it's like.
18. I love that I believe that love transcends everything and anything. It gets me through...everything.
19. I love that I get to be ME at work and that I'm honored for being me.
20. I'm pretty much a spoiled brat and I enjoy every second of it. I think the key is my honest to goodness gratitude over it.
21. I give as good as I get.
22. I love Kelly. She just put my pizza in the oven. :)
23. I love new houses and moving in and making it home for my babies.
24. I love that Cullen adores me. I know he didn't mean to hurt me or let me down by telling me how tiring and hard this time has been for him. I still want to kick him in the pants though.
25. I celebrate when people pass away. Maybe that isn't politically correct to say. We're taught to feel sad and mourn, and it's okay to do that. And necessary even. I haven't had to let go of anyone who is tremendously close to me yet. It's coming though. I will cry for me and celebrate for her.
26. I love how flexible I have learned to be, and to assume that everything is happening as it should, that we can't go wrong and that everything will be okay in the end.
27. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! Pizza is done baking and is in the box! YUMMMMMY!!!
28. I love that I'm going to eat finally, and then I'm going to sleep.
29. I love Stone Sour's Through Glass. Gee, this could get long if I start naming every song I love. Bet it'd kill the rest of the time til the pizza gets here. Hm. There are too many. But Chocolate and Crack The Shutters by Snow Patrol are good too. And so is Disappear and Not Enough Time by INXS. And Leather and Lace, Hold Me and I Wanna Be With You Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac/what's her name Stevie Nicks. And Making Love Out Of Nothing At All, and Take A Picture and Rain King. And In Your Eyes and Misled by Kook and the Gang and Critcize by...someone. And Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush and Joey by Concrete Blonde. Slide and Stay With You by the Goo Goo Dolls and Poor Little Fool by Ricky Nelson, and Somewhere Over The Rainbow, I'm Going Down by Bruce, my boyfriend (hehe), (WHERE IS MY PIZZA!), Lovestruck by VFactory (haha, pathetic, I know), Independence Day by Martina McBride, Some Fools Never Learn and The Weekend by Steve Wariner, The Gambler by Kenny, This List Will Never End...8 Days A Week (Beatles), Burning Love (Elvis) Little Less Conversation (Elvis) Shake It (Metro Station), Tide Is High (Blondie), Holiday by The Other Ones...
Maybe we should do lyrics because really, how boring to read. Make no mistake, that was 1/10000 of the songs I love deep down inside me. I'm a DORK!
In Your Eyes
Accepting all I've done and said
I want to stand and stare again
'Til there's nothing left out, oh whoa whoa
It remains there in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
I will hear your silent call
And I will touch this tender wall
'Til I know I'm home again,
oh (In your eyes) In your eyes
(In your eyes) In your eyes
(In your eyes) In your eyes
Love, I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go,
I come back to the place you are
And all my instincts,
they return
And the grand facade,
so soon will burn
Without a noise,
without my pride
I reach out from the inside
In your eyes, the light, the heat
In your eyes I am complete
In your eyes, the resolution
Of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes,
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted
and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard
for our survival
I look to the time with you
to keep me awake and alive
And all my instincts,
they return
And the grand facade,
so soon will burn
Without a noise,
without my pride
I reach out from the inside
In your eyes,
the light, the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes I see the doorway
To a thousand churches
In your eyes, the resolution
Of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes,
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
Accepting all I've done and said
I want to stand and stare again '
Til there's nothing left out, oh whoa whoa
It remains there in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
Oh, it's in your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
I want to stand and stare again
Oh, it's in your eyes
If you look at the word EYES enough, it starts to get all crazy.
AH-HA!! Kevin, my new boyfriend, is bringing his girlfriend some NUM NUMS!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to eat. I haven't felt this hungry in a long time. Maybe my appetite is returning! He's leaving there in a minute, and I will be SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM!!!! YAY ME!!!!
Okay.
So, one last thing. I'm desperately needing some affection. I mean, it's pathetic how much I need it. It's the one thing (By the way, that's another great song from INXS!) that I do actually REQUIRE, and Cullen practically doesn't live here anymore. He's very, very happy to give me affection tonight. I'm mad at him on the inside, but the outside wants some snuggles. Isn't that a weird place to be?
The End. COME ON, KEVIN!
2. I love that after 25 minutes of Julia wailing and kicking, saying rude things (it was funny..."MOM! I DON'T LIKE YOUR PONY TAIL ANYMORE, OR YOUR HAIR, OR YOUR COMPUTER, OR YOUR COUCH, OR THIS HOUSE, OR OUR NEW ONE!!!") I completely stopped her in her tracks after she yelled "I WANT TO BREAK EVERYTHING!" because I so know that feeling. I looked at her and said "Oh, honey, I know that feeling too. It's hard to feel that way. Can you please come over here so I can snuggle you?" and bam! Crying, off. She came over and sobbed quietly in my arms for a minute before pulling herself together. Then it was over. Good God, help me during teen years.
3. I know that right now, even as I'm sad and mad and feeling let down, I know that I am loved by so many people and that I have friends who really, really care about me and hold me up and send me love and healing light, and it truly works and helps. Love floats me.
4. I ate some really yummy string cheese.
5. I have a vivid imagination and I'm USING IT. I'm imagining fish tacos from Doolittles, and boneless wings from Applebees and a burger from My Sisters Place. And I'm imagining laying on a beach far away where nothing matters and I have no responsibility to anyone at all. And then I'm in Africa silently watching some Lions. They know I'm there and it doesn't matter at all to them. I'm gliding over pyramids, I'm in the rainforest. I can be anywhere. I am EVERYWHERE!
6. I love Music Box Dancer. It makes me remember something from some other time.
7. I love Big Band and Swing. I'm a big flippin dork. I know it.
8. I love laughing my head off. Funny people are the best.
9. I love that my house is almost quiet and I'm going to go nap and stop bleeding.
10. I love food places that deliver.
11. I love the wedding I'm going to October 3rd. I dearly, dearly love the people getting married.
12. I love rocks. They are so old, it would be incredible to find out history of even one.
13. I love the Science Museum.
14. tee hee. I love the pineapple and feta cheese pizza I'm ordering for the low, low price of $7.99.
15. I love the delivery person that will bring it.
16. I love my mom and dad and the way they make me feel like I'm not a pain in the butt when I need help.
17. I love that someday I'm going to be the world's all time best support for someone I know who will have major surgery. I'm excited to give them that gift now that I know what it's like.
18. I love that I believe that love transcends everything and anything. It gets me through...everything.
19. I love that I get to be ME at work and that I'm honored for being me.
20. I'm pretty much a spoiled brat and I enjoy every second of it. I think the key is my honest to goodness gratitude over it.
21. I give as good as I get.
22. I love Kelly. She just put my pizza in the oven. :)
23. I love new houses and moving in and making it home for my babies.
24. I love that Cullen adores me. I know he didn't mean to hurt me or let me down by telling me how tiring and hard this time has been for him. I still want to kick him in the pants though.
25. I celebrate when people pass away. Maybe that isn't politically correct to say. We're taught to feel sad and mourn, and it's okay to do that. And necessary even. I haven't had to let go of anyone who is tremendously close to me yet. It's coming though. I will cry for me and celebrate for her.
26. I love how flexible I have learned to be, and to assume that everything is happening as it should, that we can't go wrong and that everything will be okay in the end.
27. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! Pizza is done baking and is in the box! YUMMMMMY!!!
28. I love that I'm going to eat finally, and then I'm going to sleep.
29. I love Stone Sour's Through Glass. Gee, this could get long if I start naming every song I love. Bet it'd kill the rest of the time til the pizza gets here. Hm. There are too many. But Chocolate and Crack The Shutters by Snow Patrol are good too. And so is Disappear and Not Enough Time by INXS. And Leather and Lace, Hold Me and I Wanna Be With You Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac/what's her name Stevie Nicks. And Making Love Out Of Nothing At All, and Take A Picture and Rain King. And In Your Eyes and Misled by Kook and the Gang and Critcize by...someone. And Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush and Joey by Concrete Blonde. Slide and Stay With You by the Goo Goo Dolls and Poor Little Fool by Ricky Nelson, and Somewhere Over The Rainbow, I'm Going Down by Bruce, my boyfriend (hehe), (WHERE IS MY PIZZA!), Lovestruck by VFactory (haha, pathetic, I know), Independence Day by Martina McBride, Some Fools Never Learn and The Weekend by Steve Wariner, The Gambler by Kenny, This List Will Never End...8 Days A Week (Beatles), Burning Love (Elvis) Little Less Conversation (Elvis) Shake It (Metro Station), Tide Is High (Blondie), Holiday by The Other Ones...
Maybe we should do lyrics because really, how boring to read. Make no mistake, that was 1/10000 of the songs I love deep down inside me. I'm a DORK!
In Your Eyes
Accepting all I've done and said
I want to stand and stare again
'Til there's nothing left out, oh whoa whoa
It remains there in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
I will hear your silent call
And I will touch this tender wall
'Til I know I'm home again,
oh (In your eyes) In your eyes
(In your eyes) In your eyes
(In your eyes) In your eyes
Love, I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go,
I come back to the place you are
And all my instincts,
they return
And the grand facade,
so soon will burn
Without a noise,
without my pride
I reach out from the inside
In your eyes, the light, the heat
In your eyes I am complete
In your eyes, the resolution
Of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes,
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted
and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard
for our survival
I look to the time with you
to keep me awake and alive
And all my instincts,
they return
And the grand facade,
so soon will burn
Without a noise,
without my pride
I reach out from the inside
In your eyes,
the light, the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes I see the doorway
To a thousand churches
In your eyes, the resolution
Of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes,
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
Accepting all I've done and said
I want to stand and stare again '
Til there's nothing left out, oh whoa whoa
It remains there in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
Oh, it's in your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
In your eyes
I want to stand and stare again
Oh, it's in your eyes
If you look at the word EYES enough, it starts to get all crazy.
AH-HA!! Kevin, my new boyfriend, is bringing his girlfriend some NUM NUMS!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to eat. I haven't felt this hungry in a long time. Maybe my appetite is returning! He's leaving there in a minute, and I will be SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM!!!! YAY ME!!!!
Okay.
So, one last thing. I'm desperately needing some affection. I mean, it's pathetic how much I need it. It's the one thing (By the way, that's another great song from INXS!) that I do actually REQUIRE, and Cullen practically doesn't live here anymore. He's very, very happy to give me affection tonight. I'm mad at him on the inside, but the outside wants some snuggles. Isn't that a weird place to be?
The End. COME ON, KEVIN!
Can anyone handle me like this?
Is there anyone in the world who can handle me like this? I'm overwhelmed and I'm mad and I hate this today. I hate it. I can't do it. Cullen told me he's tired of me being Surgery Girl and that this has been hard on him. So I'm doing everything. Carefully, because I do like myself. I have NO ONE now. NO ONE. Does that sound dramatic? Is there anyone out there who isn't tired of my recovery? Everyone is so surprised by how "long" this is taking me. It's 4 weeks tomorrow. Here I have been thinking about how F*CKING AMAZING I've been doing, and I find out that I'm NOT. He's keeping score of everything he's doing and I don't want to play. I quit. SO here I am. Spotting red, heavier because I CAN'T NOT DO STUFF. I'm ON DUTY. I'm THE ONE. It's ON ME. THANK GOD for my parents. Thank GOD for my sister who came to help me pack. Thank GOD for everything that Cullen has done, but he's done. He's DONE. The ONE PERSON who was suposed to STAND BY ME IN THIS, who said WE'D MAKE IT, who said HE'D TAKE CARE OF ME - bailed. He BAILED. He's TIRED. He wants me back to myself.
Can I tell you what this has been like for ME?! First of all, I'm amazed by my body's ability to heal. I love this body. It's squishy and it isn't what it was when I was 23. It's BETTER. I grew 4 of the most gorgeous, fun babies in the world. I BIRTHED THEM. I have learned about nourishment and how it affects my body. I've seen my body respond. It's incredible. But staying down has been hard, and I haven't been staying down. I don't like having things thrown in my face, like the fact that I went to work for 1 hour 45 minutes. That's all I lasted. I should have known that i wouldn't be babied. Why would I be babied now by him? Don't get me wrong- he loves to get me good food to eat, he brings me coffee in the morning, he has helped with laundry, and for the first week that he went back to work, he helped get the kids out of here so I could rest and heal. That's all over now, isn't it. Me and the kids. I don't have time to DO THIS anymore.
As I type, Julia is by my feet, hollering. I don't know if you know my girl, but this little thing screamed her flippin head off for the 1st 4 months of her life. I have never, ever imagined feeling a frustration like I felt then. And when she cries now it's the same annoying sound, but louder and she can keep it up for just as long. I can't carry her upstairs to make her go away. I am ignoring her. But it's making me slowly go insane. I'll cry in a few minutes.
Truly, who isn't tired of me calling out in frustration? I am. And so here I sit. On an Island of Self Preservation. Trying not to need anyone because if Cullen's tired of this, I can only imagine how tired everyone else who has been doing most of the helping is.
I shouldn't have had the hysterectomy. I probably should have just kept going and dealing with the issues. If I'd have know how this would go....... how this would feel.....we're moving in 2 weeks. I've packed all the boxes so far (sister did help). There is so much cleaning to be done.
Get the cape on, and start praying. I can't afford a setback. Correction: WE can't afford a setback.
Do you supose if I walk at a quick pace, with my head down, and hit the wall, it would be hard enough to make the noise coming from Julia stop?
Is it over yet?
Can I tell you what this has been like for ME?! First of all, I'm amazed by my body's ability to heal. I love this body. It's squishy and it isn't what it was when I was 23. It's BETTER. I grew 4 of the most gorgeous, fun babies in the world. I BIRTHED THEM. I have learned about nourishment and how it affects my body. I've seen my body respond. It's incredible. But staying down has been hard, and I haven't been staying down. I don't like having things thrown in my face, like the fact that I went to work for 1 hour 45 minutes. That's all I lasted. I should have known that i wouldn't be babied. Why would I be babied now by him? Don't get me wrong- he loves to get me good food to eat, he brings me coffee in the morning, he has helped with laundry, and for the first week that he went back to work, he helped get the kids out of here so I could rest and heal. That's all over now, isn't it. Me and the kids. I don't have time to DO THIS anymore.
As I type, Julia is by my feet, hollering. I don't know if you know my girl, but this little thing screamed her flippin head off for the 1st 4 months of her life. I have never, ever imagined feeling a frustration like I felt then. And when she cries now it's the same annoying sound, but louder and she can keep it up for just as long. I can't carry her upstairs to make her go away. I am ignoring her. But it's making me slowly go insane. I'll cry in a few minutes.
Truly, who isn't tired of me calling out in frustration? I am. And so here I sit. On an Island of Self Preservation. Trying not to need anyone because if Cullen's tired of this, I can only imagine how tired everyone else who has been doing most of the helping is.
I shouldn't have had the hysterectomy. I probably should have just kept going and dealing with the issues. If I'd have know how this would go....... how this would feel.....we're moving in 2 weeks. I've packed all the boxes so far (sister did help). There is so much cleaning to be done.
Get the cape on, and start praying. I can't afford a setback. Correction: WE can't afford a setback.
Do you supose if I walk at a quick pace, with my head down, and hit the wall, it would be hard enough to make the noise coming from Julia stop?
Is it over yet?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Oh Ho Ho and a bottle of something fruity, please.
I am WAY too good for my own good right now.
Today I have ALMOST carried on as normal. I made myself stay down for awhile because I could feel it in my legs, spotting picks up etc but DAMN. I just wanna DO STUFF! In the middle of my wanting to DO STUFF is the fact that I'm on day 3 of Cullen being back to his normal hours...I do feel exhausted by that. He has been helping with the kids in the am- he drives them to school and that part is nice, but it's still hit the ground running and go til it's bedtime for them. It's all good in the hood though.
Uncle Johnny moved on. Me and my abnormally healthy attitude about that cheers for him. I'm very sad for his wife and son, and for the feelings of loss that no one can make go away, no matter what. That's the world's most frustrating thing ever. I'm not scared to sit in it with them- I will, someday too soon, be sitting in it and I will appreciate all of the people who will sit in the missing with me. Fricken kidney donation. My head goes NUTS about it. I'm tired of being hysterectomy girl now and I want it to be done, and if things keep going well and I heal so nicely, maybe I WILL still do it. There's time, right. FOR ME. Not for the people who are just dying every day waiting. It makes me want to get LOUD. NO FAIR! I WANNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
How does a whack job like me get by? Even I wonder.
It's dinner time and I'm counting down the minutes. Chelle and Payten are coming over to help me pack and clean. I might just watch her. My dogs are barking and my body really, really, really just wants to stop. I want to be babied in the worst way ever. I am dreaming of someone showing up, rubbing my tired feet and legs and bringing me a Dr. Pepper and snuggling me. I miss Cullen. WHINEY ME!
Time to put my big girl pants on and keep going. I think I want to go back up north where the leaves are starting to turn colors, and I want to go run into the forest and stay close to one of the red maples and just...be there.
I miss Michael Hutchensen (SP!).
Today I have ALMOST carried on as normal. I made myself stay down for awhile because I could feel it in my legs, spotting picks up etc but DAMN. I just wanna DO STUFF! In the middle of my wanting to DO STUFF is the fact that I'm on day 3 of Cullen being back to his normal hours...I do feel exhausted by that. He has been helping with the kids in the am- he drives them to school and that part is nice, but it's still hit the ground running and go til it's bedtime for them. It's all good in the hood though.
Uncle Johnny moved on. Me and my abnormally healthy attitude about that cheers for him. I'm very sad for his wife and son, and for the feelings of loss that no one can make go away, no matter what. That's the world's most frustrating thing ever. I'm not scared to sit in it with them- I will, someday too soon, be sitting in it and I will appreciate all of the people who will sit in the missing with me. Fricken kidney donation. My head goes NUTS about it. I'm tired of being hysterectomy girl now and I want it to be done, and if things keep going well and I heal so nicely, maybe I WILL still do it. There's time, right. FOR ME. Not for the people who are just dying every day waiting. It makes me want to get LOUD. NO FAIR! I WANNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
How does a whack job like me get by? Even I wonder.
It's dinner time and I'm counting down the minutes. Chelle and Payten are coming over to help me pack and clean. I might just watch her. My dogs are barking and my body really, really, really just wants to stop. I want to be babied in the worst way ever. I am dreaming of someone showing up, rubbing my tired feet and legs and bringing me a Dr. Pepper and snuggling me. I miss Cullen. WHINEY ME!
Time to put my big girl pants on and keep going. I think I want to go back up north where the leaves are starting to turn colors, and I want to go run into the forest and stay close to one of the red maples and just...be there.
I miss Michael Hutchensen (SP!).
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