it's because I've moved completely into my imagination. I'll send a postcard.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The best!
To Angie: "See you in the morning!"
To Jamie: "See you after work!"
To Cullen: "Talk to you in a little while!"
To the darlings who get me through the day via email: "Talk to you tomorrow!"
I wish you understood how much I love the people in my life.
I wish there were a way to show my thankfulness, but it's just like watching this delicious evening dissolve into night....
To Jamie: "See you after work!"
To Cullen: "Talk to you in a little while!"
To the darlings who get me through the day via email: "Talk to you tomorrow!"
I wish you understood how much I love the people in my life.
I wish there were a way to show my thankfulness, but it's just like watching this delicious evening dissolve into night....
Stuck!
THIS is the most irritating feeling in the world! I'm STUCK IN ME! I can't get out! I love tonight so much...do you SMELL IT? The air smells like rain and lilacs and it's warm and the sun is setting and everything is just greener and green and I can't TOUCH it all and I WANT TO! I want to touch it! I love it to PIECES and I can't DO anything about it but sit here and like it so much. It's such an irritating feeling. Every time the wind blows and the lilac scent hits I just melt all over the place. I love tonight.
I want to keep it and there is just nothing I can do, no picture I can take that can keep it. I have to sit here and lose it little by little as the night goes on.
I want to hold it.
I want to keep it and there is just nothing I can do, no picture I can take that can keep it. I have to sit here and lose it little by little as the night goes on.
I want to hold it.
YI. PPEEE!!
1. happynews.com My new favorite website.
2. Josh's tooth is so wiggly that it bled everywhere. Gross. But YAY FOR HIM!!! It's sooo loose. It's probably going to be out tonight.
3. His art teacher loves him- I mean L.O.V.E.S him. I ran into her this afternoon and she gushed about how much she loves my family. I wanted to hug her. That is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice to hear. CJ's teacher adores him too, and nothing makes a momma happier than hearing someone else say "He blows my mind, too. I love his heart." YAY!
4. I'm out of my sandals. My big flat feet LOVE to be out of shoes.
5. Why do you think I didn't care about my feet this time around? I must know what's *really* important. Cullen rubs them so I shouldn't care.
6. I got to go on another walk around Centennial Lakes with Cullen today. He bought me Noodles&Co, and he's so cute that he bought Angie some, too! I love his beautiful heart!
7. Unfortunately for me, I have finally caught on that to enjoy pasta does not only mean a good run later, it means the runs later. HAHAHHA! Disgusting. But it's a reality of gallbladderlessness. There are some things that my body does not like trying to digest anymore. It's okay. You'll have to talk me off the ledge when I'm craving some serious noodles though.
8. Why am I listing things? I have no idea at all.
9. I see blue sky and it makes me happy.
10. I'm going to make dinner and then go to the store.
11. my can opener doesn't work. I never remember to buy another one. The other day, I had Too Many witnesses watch how I roll when I have to open a can with that sonofabitch.
12. Maybe I'll remember today to buy a new one?
13. Probably not, unless one jumps out and smacks me in the head.
14. Okay. Here I go. For real. See. Nicki. Cook.
2. Josh's tooth is so wiggly that it bled everywhere. Gross. But YAY FOR HIM!!! It's sooo loose. It's probably going to be out tonight.
3. His art teacher loves him- I mean L.O.V.E.S him. I ran into her this afternoon and she gushed about how much she loves my family. I wanted to hug her. That is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice to hear. CJ's teacher adores him too, and nothing makes a momma happier than hearing someone else say "He blows my mind, too. I love his heart." YAY!
4. I'm out of my sandals. My big flat feet LOVE to be out of shoes.
5. Why do you think I didn't care about my feet this time around? I must know what's *really* important. Cullen rubs them so I shouldn't care.
6. I got to go on another walk around Centennial Lakes with Cullen today. He bought me Noodles&Co, and he's so cute that he bought Angie some, too! I love his beautiful heart!
7. Unfortunately for me, I have finally caught on that to enjoy pasta does not only mean a good run later, it means the runs later. HAHAHHA! Disgusting. But it's a reality of gallbladderlessness. There are some things that my body does not like trying to digest anymore. It's okay. You'll have to talk me off the ledge when I'm craving some serious noodles though.
8. Why am I listing things? I have no idea at all.
9. I see blue sky and it makes me happy.
10. I'm going to make dinner and then go to the store.
11. my can opener doesn't work. I never remember to buy another one. The other day, I had Too Many witnesses watch how I roll when I have to open a can with that sonofabitch.
12. Maybe I'll remember today to buy a new one?
13. Probably not, unless one jumps out and smacks me in the head.
14. Okay. Here I go. For real. See. Nicki. Cook.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I just don't get it...
California did WHAT? Made it illegal to use toys as a way to lure people to eat fast food?
Okay. So they did. That's great, but are we humans that stupid? I mean- ARE WE? Is that the lure? Have we been "tricked" into eating shit to get our kids toys? Do we not have ANY responsiblity to ourselves and for our own actions anymore?! Seriously? That's the most pathetic thing I have ever heard!!!!!!!! It doesn't make any sense at all. Humans are total losers sometimes.
Second of all, someone threw their opinion at me today. I need to be okay with that, but it was over something that I'm fairly sensitive about right now. I was a good girl, and what I did is just not respond at all. I stopped responding. But you know me. It's gotta come out.
Daycare/working moms. I DO have an opinion about this whole situation but I don't talk about it a whole lot because I am probably not "right". I'm only "right" about ME, for ME, you know? My general thought process for me is that the kids are little one time. Once they are in school they are gone- they are then officially with someone else...LOTS of someone else's more than with their parent/s. So I want to eat that time up as much as possible. This is not saying that daycare isn't good- it has benefits! I'm not saying anything at all, I'm saying that *I* wanted to be there for the first 5 years. *I* wanted to be their main influence (who knows if THAT is even a good idea...). I have been SO BLESSED to be able to work from home. It wasn't working. It's hard as hell to pull off. So...i did what I had to do. I'm not planning on doing this for long, but I still suffer(ed) through guilt and feeling like I failed. That wasn't a fun feeling- isn't a fun feeling. I don't like it. But I'm just going to do what I have to do to get through and it's okay if I don't stay in that place all the time. It's okay if I feel normal getting up, getting kids ready, dropping them off and going to work. This isn't how I'd necessarily write the script, but being in this situation is making me DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT- and that's a gift, right? I get choices and I can DO SOMETHING or I can sit on my ass and ...not do anything, and keep hating how things are. Not doing that.
Anyway- there were some comments made that really irritated me. I can't imagine how she thought it would not hurt me to say those things. I just don't get why people feel like it's okay to puke their opinion's on other people. Esp about this. But it's the age old debate, I supose... I should let up on her, because I know she didn't mean "anything" by it. She probably felt like she was "on my side" when she said those things. When my gall bladder went nuts and I got it yanked she did say "It's just so unfair how these things keep happening to you." and we had a great talk about how it WASN'T unfair and nothing was happening "to" me. I didn't HAVE to get the hyst or the gb yanked when I did. Nothing "happened" to me. I'm not a victim of anything. Those were just choices I made. I did get frustrated to tears once regarding my gallbladder because I felt like it was putting off the kidney surgery (little did I freaking know), but I didn't feel like a VICTIM. Okay. If I put her shoes on, she said some stupid things trying to be "on my side" but instead sounded judgemental. Judging my actions..My actions that I am struggling with anyway and don't feel the best about. But I just stopped responding. It's okay. I'm okay. This cheesecake helps LOADS. It's why I ran another 2.5, right?
Okay.
I'll be okay.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST TYPED! IT'S NOT APPROPRIATE! That's your warning.
I typed
But F*CK!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Read it again. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!
Note to self: This is my path. She's on her own path. My path has taken me to some of the most glorious places ever, and I will continue to be blown away by the way this story twists and turns, and I will continue to recognize my hand in all of it. If I just keep my eyes on my path, the taunting from the sidelines won't bother me so much. GO TEAM NICKI.
By the way, and this may be completely unnecessary, but I'd post it on my Mommy board so I'll post it here- this post in no way reflects how I feel about the way any of ya'll are doing your thing. I wished to be home for the first 5 years and I didn't get to (with all 4), and for all I know they would have been better off in daycare/preschool. I truly have no opinion on what anyone else does or how they do it. In fact, I need tips on pulling this shit off. I'm not very good at it yet. I have noticed a nice big cup of coffee in the morning helps. ;)
Okay. So they did. That's great, but are we humans that stupid? I mean- ARE WE? Is that the lure? Have we been "tricked" into eating shit to get our kids toys? Do we not have ANY responsiblity to ourselves and for our own actions anymore?! Seriously? That's the most pathetic thing I have ever heard!!!!!!!! It doesn't make any sense at all. Humans are total losers sometimes.
Second of all, someone threw their opinion at me today. I need to be okay with that, but it was over something that I'm fairly sensitive about right now. I was a good girl, and what I did is just not respond at all. I stopped responding. But you know me. It's gotta come out.
Daycare/working moms. I DO have an opinion about this whole situation but I don't talk about it a whole lot because I am probably not "right". I'm only "right" about ME, for ME, you know? My general thought process for me is that the kids are little one time. Once they are in school they are gone- they are then officially with someone else...LOTS of someone else's more than with their parent/s. So I want to eat that time up as much as possible. This is not saying that daycare isn't good- it has benefits! I'm not saying anything at all, I'm saying that *I* wanted to be there for the first 5 years. *I* wanted to be their main influence (who knows if THAT is even a good idea...). I have been SO BLESSED to be able to work from home. It wasn't working. It's hard as hell to pull off. So...i did what I had to do. I'm not planning on doing this for long, but I still suffer(ed) through guilt and feeling like I failed. That wasn't a fun feeling- isn't a fun feeling. I don't like it. But I'm just going to do what I have to do to get through and it's okay if I don't stay in that place all the time. It's okay if I feel normal getting up, getting kids ready, dropping them off and going to work. This isn't how I'd necessarily write the script, but being in this situation is making me DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT- and that's a gift, right? I get choices and I can DO SOMETHING or I can sit on my ass and ...not do anything, and keep hating how things are. Not doing that.
Anyway- there were some comments made that really irritated me. I can't imagine how she thought it would not hurt me to say those things. I just don't get why people feel like it's okay to puke their opinion's on other people. Esp about this. But it's the age old debate, I supose... I should let up on her, because I know she didn't mean "anything" by it. She probably felt like she was "on my side" when she said those things. When my gall bladder went nuts and I got it yanked she did say "It's just so unfair how these things keep happening to you." and we had a great talk about how it WASN'T unfair and nothing was happening "to" me. I didn't HAVE to get the hyst or the gb yanked when I did. Nothing "happened" to me. I'm not a victim of anything. Those were just choices I made. I did get frustrated to tears once regarding my gallbladder because I felt like it was putting off the kidney surgery (little did I freaking know), but I didn't feel like a VICTIM. Okay. If I put her shoes on, she said some stupid things trying to be "on my side" but instead sounded judgemental. Judging my actions..My actions that I am struggling with anyway and don't feel the best about. But I just stopped responding. It's okay. I'm okay. This cheesecake helps LOADS. It's why I ran another 2.5, right?
Okay.
I'll be okay.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST TYPED! IT'S NOT APPROPRIATE! That's your warning.
I typed
But F*CK!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Read it again. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!
Note to self: This is my path. She's on her own path. My path has taken me to some of the most glorious places ever, and I will continue to be blown away by the way this story twists and turns, and I will continue to recognize my hand in all of it. If I just keep my eyes on my path, the taunting from the sidelines won't bother me so much. GO TEAM NICKI.
By the way, and this may be completely unnecessary, but I'd post it on my Mommy board so I'll post it here- this post in no way reflects how I feel about the way any of ya'll are doing your thing. I wished to be home for the first 5 years and I didn't get to (with all 4), and for all I know they would have been better off in daycare/preschool. I truly have no opinion on what anyone else does or how they do it. In fact, I need tips on pulling this shit off. I'm not very good at it yet. I have noticed a nice big cup of coffee in the morning helps. ;)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The Moon!
Have you seen the moon? You have to go out immediately and look at it! It's full and it's glowing and it's a beautiful blue color outside. I LOVE it outside right now. I wish I could hug it.
Nicki Hayes, Rockstar extraordinairre has accomplished many things today. Things I didn't plan on doing. I know you are just DYING to know what they are. My whole afternoon was fun in a way I didn't expect. I was very grouchy feeling (mostly) at work and goofball threw me chocolate all day. That helped. I came home, and Josh had his ADORABLE school pics- he is so stinkin CUTE I can't stand it. Then SD (Super Dad) called and asked if he could come get CJ and Josh so they could help him build the rabbit hutch. If he isn't the best I don't know who is! When he came over he invited Julia and Jordan along, and I'd had them prepared and ready to stay home. So I argued for a minute but when he said "I want to hang out with my grandkids"....well...i let them go with. And here dinner was all ready to eat. Just chicken and rice, but whatever.
THEN MFN and my other FN hung out with me. I don't think they understand how much I love that- it saves me and they are so much fun to be with.
AMAZING THING #1- I ATE THE CHICKEN AND RICE. This is SERIOUSLY astounding. I hate eating meat that I've seen uncooked and this morning I was making a fuss about it. But it smelled so good and it tasted so good, so I ate it. GO ME!
AMAZING TIHNG #2- I ran 2.5 on the treadmill. I could have gone 3 but that was too much of a goal so I stopped early. Because that's how a nutcase rolls, peeps! But I ran. I wasn't planning on it and it was good and fairly easy. YIPPEEE!
And THEN I get an email from Rose, who sent pics of their house all packed up and I immediately started crying because I miss their house all ready. It's going to get me again talking about it. Talking to Rose helped- she's in the middle of the mess and exhausted so she isn't taking it in yet. She's not letting it in. I can't handle thinking about driving away. Holy cats.
AND THEN (hahah! One time, at band camp...) I went outside to clean up and throw stuff away and there was the moon, in all it's glory. YAY FOR ME, it will be on my bed when it's bedtime.
Truly, someday I will win a huge award for the most worthless blogging to ever behold this Earth. And I'll display it proudly and it won't stop me. Sorry. heheheh
Cherry Starbursts ROCK!
Nicki Hayes, Rockstar extraordinairre has accomplished many things today. Things I didn't plan on doing. I know you are just DYING to know what they are. My whole afternoon was fun in a way I didn't expect. I was very grouchy feeling (mostly) at work and goofball threw me chocolate all day. That helped. I came home, and Josh had his ADORABLE school pics- he is so stinkin CUTE I can't stand it. Then SD (Super Dad) called and asked if he could come get CJ and Josh so they could help him build the rabbit hutch. If he isn't the best I don't know who is! When he came over he invited Julia and Jordan along, and I'd had them prepared and ready to stay home. So I argued for a minute but when he said "I want to hang out with my grandkids"....well...i let them go with. And here dinner was all ready to eat. Just chicken and rice, but whatever.
THEN MFN and my other FN hung out with me. I don't think they understand how much I love that- it saves me and they are so much fun to be with.
AMAZING THING #1- I ATE THE CHICKEN AND RICE. This is SERIOUSLY astounding. I hate eating meat that I've seen uncooked and this morning I was making a fuss about it. But it smelled so good and it tasted so good, so I ate it. GO ME!
AMAZING TIHNG #2- I ran 2.5 on the treadmill. I could have gone 3 but that was too much of a goal so I stopped early. Because that's how a nutcase rolls, peeps! But I ran. I wasn't planning on it and it was good and fairly easy. YIPPEEE!
And THEN I get an email from Rose, who sent pics of their house all packed up and I immediately started crying because I miss their house all ready. It's going to get me again talking about it. Talking to Rose helped- she's in the middle of the mess and exhausted so she isn't taking it in yet. She's not letting it in. I can't handle thinking about driving away. Holy cats.
AND THEN (hahah! One time, at band camp...) I went outside to clean up and throw stuff away and there was the moon, in all it's glory. YAY FOR ME, it will be on my bed when it's bedtime.
Truly, someday I will win a huge award for the most worthless blogging to ever behold this Earth. And I'll display it proudly and it won't stop me. Sorry. heheheh
Cherry Starbursts ROCK!
HM.
This is just right now...this feeling that I have. I might not have it tomorrow. Or later today.
But I'm noticing something.
My coping skills still kind of suck.
I haven't had a change in routine in 7 years.
I look like I'm doing fine with it.
I'm all girled up.
I'm getting my stuff done.
I'm showing up where I'm suposed to show up.
It's all good.
I haven't eaten.
I won't eat.
I said this week I'd work on that.
I'm not going to.
Not here.
I smelled food and it made some old ghost of a feeling come up.
The feeling of "I'm NOT EATING."
I'm not fully alarmed.
I still eat at night.
Mostly.
Cullen fed me last night but I did eat pizza during the day.
And I ate all weekend.
So I don't feel like I'm slipping into an eating disorder,
but I can see how I might be trying to control something that feels
uncontrollable to me.
I have to be here.
I feel stuck for now.
I have to pay for daycare.
I want to be with my own children.
I'm not eating when I'm here.
Well, hershey kisses. :)
It's almost funny how everytime jc or pm walks by, they pitch me a kiss.
So it isn't like I haven't had any calories today.
But weird.
I'm not telling us this to make anyone tell me to eat. I know I should eat.
I'm a grown adult and Iknow this eating disorder thing way better than I want to.
And I'm kicking it's ass, little by little with my running.
I'm getting through it.
I still eat.
I'm not shrinking or anything, just weird.
I must be more stressed out about being here than I knew.
It started to come out today.
Because I might miss Josh's play at school.
On Friday.
We'll find out.
Just thought I'd share. I noticed something. I should get points for that alone.
Stupid fucking food.
But I'm noticing something.
My coping skills still kind of suck.
I haven't had a change in routine in 7 years.
I look like I'm doing fine with it.
I'm all girled up.
I'm getting my stuff done.
I'm showing up where I'm suposed to show up.
It's all good.
I haven't eaten.
I won't eat.
I said this week I'd work on that.
I'm not going to.
Not here.
I smelled food and it made some old ghost of a feeling come up.
The feeling of "I'm NOT EATING."
I'm not fully alarmed.
I still eat at night.
Mostly.
Cullen fed me last night but I did eat pizza during the day.
And I ate all weekend.
So I don't feel like I'm slipping into an eating disorder,
but I can see how I might be trying to control something that feels
uncontrollable to me.
I have to be here.
I feel stuck for now.
I have to pay for daycare.
I want to be with my own children.
I'm not eating when I'm here.
Well, hershey kisses. :)
It's almost funny how everytime jc or pm walks by, they pitch me a kiss.
So it isn't like I haven't had any calories today.
But weird.
I'm not telling us this to make anyone tell me to eat. I know I should eat.
I'm a grown adult and Iknow this eating disorder thing way better than I want to.
And I'm kicking it's ass, little by little with my running.
I'm getting through it.
I still eat.
I'm not shrinking or anything, just weird.
I must be more stressed out about being here than I knew.
It started to come out today.
Because I might miss Josh's play at school.
On Friday.
We'll find out.
Just thought I'd share. I noticed something. I should get points for that alone.
Stupid fucking food.
Monday, April 26, 2010
OHTOBEALICIAKEYS
Did you know that she SANG on the top of a PYRAMID while in Egypt?
Are the pyramids cool to the people who see them all the time? Could there be anything in the world as cool as doing the thing that makes your soul sing on top of a PYRAMID? Could there? Is it possible? That's as good as lying next to a lion in Africa and petting him while lounging. That's as good as climbing a redwood, a million year old redwood and sitting on a branch on something that has seen more than we ever will. Riding an elephant. Having my own radio station that I DJ. Having the freedom to stop the car and help whoever I want to without recourse. Freedom to just BE.
on the top of a pyramid.
I hope she loved that as much as I'm loving it for her.
Are the pyramids cool to the people who see them all the time? Could there be anything in the world as cool as doing the thing that makes your soul sing on top of a PYRAMID? Could there? Is it possible? That's as good as lying next to a lion in Africa and petting him while lounging. That's as good as climbing a redwood, a million year old redwood and sitting on a branch on something that has seen more than we ever will. Riding an elephant. Having my own radio station that I DJ. Having the freedom to stop the car and help whoever I want to without recourse. Freedom to just BE.
on the top of a pyramid.
I hope she loved that as much as I'm loving it for her.
My Dad
I know this is not the first post about my dad. Maybe that was on the other blog? Here is my disclaimer...this post and my feelings for my dad in no way reflect how I feel about anyone else. It does not take away from how I feel about anyone else, and my love for everyone else does not pale in comparison, but it might sound like it by time I'm done. We can't love any two people in our lives in the exact same way, and therefore I can say that I don't love anyone else the way I love him, but that's true for how I feel about you, too.
Ready?
I LOVE MY DAD.
I am the biggest daddy's girl in the universe and I don't care. I don't care even a little bit, because anyone who knows him wishes they could be too. He is the all time best. When you meet him you feel like you've known him forever. He can talk to anyone about anything. He can fix anything at all. We rely on him WAY too much probably, but he just knows about any little thing under the sun. He's HYSTERICAL. He is just plain ole funny, and I don't know where he pulls the funny stuff out of. I love it when he stops to tell me a story about one of his grandbabies, something that has wowwed him. I love it when I hear him laughing, truly laughing. I still remember the first time I ever really heard it and took notice...CJ was a newborn and Lindsay 8 months old, and she was cracking him up. Big belly laughs. He never made us feel like we were in the way when we were young. He let us oil the printing presses for him. He let us "help" him paint or anything else he was doing. He does this for our babies now too. No matter what he's doing, they can help. They can hammer, they can paint, he takes the time to play, really play with them. Baseball, making birdhouses, growing and picking veggies, you name it. Going to the park. I love him so very much, I can't imagine being without him. There are no words for how I feel. He coached our softball team for I don't even know how many years. He did it for Rose too. I know that he makes mum nuts because she is his wife and she has had to put up with all sorts of shit that we don't, but as his daughter, I hit the jackpot. He's magnet for kids, too. Kids LOVE HIM, and no wonder why. He doesn't blow them off, he plays. He shows them what's important. He loves animals and doesn't kill insects.
I love him. I love him bigger than the whole world. He buys me (us, Michelle gets babied too) (I'm sure Cullen does too) lottery tickets. He keeps M&M's on hand for the kids. He asks about whatever is making me cry and wants to make it better. He gives without even thinking about it. He was brave enough to let me practice cutting hair on his head when I was first learning- I'll never forget scared I was, and how much I loved him for trusting me. he insisted I learn to drive a stick when i didn't want to. And I learned how to change a tire, and put in oil. He bought us stereos so we'd have good music in our cars. He is GOOD.
My babies have the best grandpa in the world. He reminds me of his dad. I loved my Grandpa and miss him still. They look a lot alike and sometimes I can hear Grandpa in something dad says or does.
He is just the all time best.
I! LOVE! MY! DAD!
Ready?
I LOVE MY DAD.
I am the biggest daddy's girl in the universe and I don't care. I don't care even a little bit, because anyone who knows him wishes they could be too. He is the all time best. When you meet him you feel like you've known him forever. He can talk to anyone about anything. He can fix anything at all. We rely on him WAY too much probably, but he just knows about any little thing under the sun. He's HYSTERICAL. He is just plain ole funny, and I don't know where he pulls the funny stuff out of. I love it when he stops to tell me a story about one of his grandbabies, something that has wowwed him. I love it when I hear him laughing, truly laughing. I still remember the first time I ever really heard it and took notice...CJ was a newborn and Lindsay 8 months old, and she was cracking him up. Big belly laughs. He never made us feel like we were in the way when we were young. He let us oil the printing presses for him. He let us "help" him paint or anything else he was doing. He does this for our babies now too. No matter what he's doing, they can help. They can hammer, they can paint, he takes the time to play, really play with them. Baseball, making birdhouses, growing and picking veggies, you name it. Going to the park. I love him so very much, I can't imagine being without him. There are no words for how I feel. He coached our softball team for I don't even know how many years. He did it for Rose too. I know that he makes mum nuts because she is his wife and she has had to put up with all sorts of shit that we don't, but as his daughter, I hit the jackpot. He's magnet for kids, too. Kids LOVE HIM, and no wonder why. He doesn't blow them off, he plays. He shows them what's important. He loves animals and doesn't kill insects.
I love him. I love him bigger than the whole world. He buys me (us, Michelle gets babied too) (I'm sure Cullen does too) lottery tickets. He keeps M&M's on hand for the kids. He asks about whatever is making me cry and wants to make it better. He gives without even thinking about it. He was brave enough to let me practice cutting hair on his head when I was first learning- I'll never forget scared I was, and how much I loved him for trusting me. he insisted I learn to drive a stick when i didn't want to. And I learned how to change a tire, and put in oil. He bought us stereos so we'd have good music in our cars. He is GOOD.
My babies have the best grandpa in the world. He reminds me of his dad. I loved my Grandpa and miss him still. They look a lot alike and sometimes I can hear Grandpa in something dad says or does.
He is just the all time best.
I! LOVE! MY! DAD!
Happiness is a Nutella Sandwhich
I have made out with 3 yummy things today. Cullen, Ryker and that sandwhich. I might have made out hardcore with that coffee this morning too. Okay, 4 things. Am I a Life Whore????
So I read this thing that was really interesting, and I'm going to paraphrase it and likely butcher it. It was talking about marriage and where we fail- I wonder if I've already said this. I am having de ja vu and I can't remember if I already knew this or not. Oh well. You're used to senseless repetition, right? HA. I bailed on it. Halfway through it and I got bored. You're saved again!
Instead, I'll pick out a question from the Let's Talk jar and we'll do that! Because what's funner than hearing myself? *eyeroll*
WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN BEING A GOOD FRIEND?
Listening without judgement. Laughing. Support even if it's something that we wouldn't choose ourselves. Loving them right then for who they are right then. Knowing who they REALLY are even when they don't. Hearing what they are really saying, especially when they are having a hard time saying it. Letting them off the hook over things that aren't all that important. Letting that comment slide. I just realized that all of this is true, and harder to do, when it comes to being friends with MYSELF. Boy, I could really stand to let up on me alot. I bet you could too. We should have Take It Easy On Me Tuesday and baby ourselves, not letting even one negative thing in. Wanna try?
WHEN YOU FEEL SCARED, WHAT DO YOU DO TO FEEL BETTER?
This is a good one because I suck when I'm scared. I don't show a thing. I hide the scared inside and I pretend I'm not afraid. That serves me and hinders me all at the same time. Fake it til you make it kicks in but if I could find a way to deal with the fear of whatever, share it, it'd feel a lot better. I wonder what I'm afraid of. In general, I don't think I carry any fears- that's gotta be okay, right? I was terrified of my review (hard for you to believe, I know. HAHAHAH!). Hm. It's like with pain- if I'm vocal when I'm in pain, I feel like it gives it more power and life. If I don't, then it can't get out of control. I was AWESOME in labor (hahhaa. Maybe not, I probably don't clearly remember). Hm. Nonanswer. New question.
WHAT'S A REALLY NICE THING SOMEONE HAS DONE FOR YOU?
Where to start? Michelle came over yesterday and started cleaning for me. Then she cooked for me and cleaned up afterward.
Cullen brought me some foo foo coffee this morning, yesterday got me Panera, the day before a blizzard and lobster tacos. <---- don't get em, not worth it.
He also said the sweetest thing ever. I don't know why it melts me so much when he says it, but it gets me. It's better than a "nice ass" comment any day. We were in bed, and I don't know what he said that was funny but I was laughing my head off and he said "That's the best sound in the world." Know who makes him jealous? People who make me laugh. I'm surprised he lets me hang out with Jamie. (I'm just kidding Jamie, he loves you). Isn't that sweet? The very thing that I'm sure irritates everyone in the office that forgot how I am, and he loves it. Yay.
I have the best friends ever, who listen to me and make fun of me minimally. For real. Rocks.
The kids cleaned up the room for me. It was their shit anyway, but who knows how much time I clock cleaning up after people. It was nice.
Julia told me that she loves me even when I'm crabby. Isn't that nice? Cullen can't pull that off sometimes, but Julia...she's got it. Josh does too. He comes over to touch me as soon as I start getting crabby. He touches me softly, gently and I cannot possibly be crabby then. He's the smartest 6 year old ever. Julia will throw her arms around my leg and squeeze it and tell me that she loves me anyway. I don't deserve their love and adoration, but I appreciate it and am more grateful than I have words for.
Dad played with the kids yesterday and is going to build a hutch so we can keep the wabbit.
Cullen took the kids out so I could work in peace today.
I could od this forever.
Wasn't it fun for me today when we came home from Cub to find two of my favorite neighbors in the street talking together? That was the best!
Okay. Working Girl is going to pack some lunches for the kids, get some clothes ready, and go start getting loud with the 2 downstairs who still think it's Party Time. See? I don't start OUT yelly, but eventually I get there...
OHHHH what to eat.
George Michael has a perfectly delicious voice. I don't care. I said it out loud. Love him.
I'm HUNGRY!
I wonder how "old" we really are.
And, a little Frank Sinatra for your eve:
Sometimes you think you've lived before
All that you live today
Things you do come back to you
As though they knew the way
Oh, the tricks your mind can play!
It seem we stood and talked like this before
we looked at each other in the same way then,
But I canÍt remenber where or when.
The clothes youÍre wearing are the clothes you wore.
The smile you are smiling you were smilimg then,
But i canÍt remember where or when.
Some things that happend for the first time,
Seem to be happening again.
And so it seems that we have met before
and laughted before and loved before,
But who knows where or when.
So I read this thing that was really interesting, and I'm going to paraphrase it and likely butcher it. It was talking about marriage and where we fail- I wonder if I've already said this. I am having de ja vu and I can't remember if I already knew this or not. Oh well. You're used to senseless repetition, right? HA. I bailed on it. Halfway through it and I got bored. You're saved again!
Instead, I'll pick out a question from the Let's Talk jar and we'll do that! Because what's funner than hearing myself? *eyeroll*
WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN BEING A GOOD FRIEND?
Listening without judgement. Laughing. Support even if it's something that we wouldn't choose ourselves. Loving them right then for who they are right then. Knowing who they REALLY are even when they don't. Hearing what they are really saying, especially when they are having a hard time saying it. Letting them off the hook over things that aren't all that important. Letting that comment slide. I just realized that all of this is true, and harder to do, when it comes to being friends with MYSELF. Boy, I could really stand to let up on me alot. I bet you could too. We should have Take It Easy On Me Tuesday and baby ourselves, not letting even one negative thing in. Wanna try?
WHEN YOU FEEL SCARED, WHAT DO YOU DO TO FEEL BETTER?
This is a good one because I suck when I'm scared. I don't show a thing. I hide the scared inside and I pretend I'm not afraid. That serves me and hinders me all at the same time. Fake it til you make it kicks in but if I could find a way to deal with the fear of whatever, share it, it'd feel a lot better. I wonder what I'm afraid of. In general, I don't think I carry any fears- that's gotta be okay, right? I was terrified of my review (hard for you to believe, I know. HAHAHAH!). Hm. It's like with pain- if I'm vocal when I'm in pain, I feel like it gives it more power and life. If I don't, then it can't get out of control. I was AWESOME in labor (hahhaa. Maybe not, I probably don't clearly remember). Hm. Nonanswer. New question.
WHAT'S A REALLY NICE THING SOMEONE HAS DONE FOR YOU?
Where to start? Michelle came over yesterday and started cleaning for me. Then she cooked for me and cleaned up afterward.
Cullen brought me some foo foo coffee this morning, yesterday got me Panera, the day before a blizzard and lobster tacos. <---- don't get em, not worth it.
He also said the sweetest thing ever. I don't know why it melts me so much when he says it, but it gets me. It's better than a "nice ass" comment any day. We were in bed, and I don't know what he said that was funny but I was laughing my head off and he said "That's the best sound in the world." Know who makes him jealous? People who make me laugh. I'm surprised he lets me hang out with Jamie. (I'm just kidding Jamie, he loves you). Isn't that sweet? The very thing that I'm sure irritates everyone in the office that forgot how I am, and he loves it. Yay.
I have the best friends ever, who listen to me and make fun of me minimally. For real. Rocks.
The kids cleaned up the room for me. It was their shit anyway, but who knows how much time I clock cleaning up after people. It was nice.
Julia told me that she loves me even when I'm crabby. Isn't that nice? Cullen can't pull that off sometimes, but Julia...she's got it. Josh does too. He comes over to touch me as soon as I start getting crabby. He touches me softly, gently and I cannot possibly be crabby then. He's the smartest 6 year old ever. Julia will throw her arms around my leg and squeeze it and tell me that she loves me anyway. I don't deserve their love and adoration, but I appreciate it and am more grateful than I have words for.
Dad played with the kids yesterday and is going to build a hutch so we can keep the wabbit.
Cullen took the kids out so I could work in peace today.
I could od this forever.
Wasn't it fun for me today when we came home from Cub to find two of my favorite neighbors in the street talking together? That was the best!
Okay. Working Girl is going to pack some lunches for the kids, get some clothes ready, and go start getting loud with the 2 downstairs who still think it's Party Time. See? I don't start OUT yelly, but eventually I get there...
OHHHH what to eat.
George Michael has a perfectly delicious voice. I don't care. I said it out loud. Love him.
I'm HUNGRY!
I wonder how "old" we really are.
And, a little Frank Sinatra for your eve:
Sometimes you think you've lived before
All that you live today
Things you do come back to you
As though they knew the way
Oh, the tricks your mind can play!
It seem we stood and talked like this before
we looked at each other in the same way then,
But I canÍt remenber where or when.
The clothes youÍre wearing are the clothes you wore.
The smile you are smiling you were smilimg then,
But i canÍt remember where or when.
Some things that happend for the first time,
Seem to be happening again.
And so it seems that we have met before
and laughted before and loved before,
But who knows where or when.
*wild hand slapping*
WHOO HOO!!! Get over here and smell this bag of coffee! YUMMMY! It's decaf but it smells like H.E.A.V.E.N.
*dancing*
This is only my 2nd Monday at home since going back to the office, so this might be shot off prematurely (snicker) but I think Monday's are different already. They feel different. I'm grateful that I have today with only 2 kids- everything seems easier. Weird?
Happy Birthday to my Allyssa!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOUR JOURNEY and I am so thankful to get to be a part of it. We should have been writing down all of our Very Important Conversations and then writing down actions taken due to those so we could look back and watch how amazing the past 6 years have been!!! Thank you for letting me be a part of it! You crack me up, you save me over and over and help me think clearly. I'd be lost without you! We need an anniversary dinner this summer.
Smell the coffee brewing? It's the best ever. My hair dried all by itself. Why can't it be cute half assed curly?
Jabber mouth has lots more to say but I'm going to spare you, for now. There, put that on your "I'm thankful for...." list!
*dancing*
This is only my 2nd Monday at home since going back to the office, so this might be shot off prematurely (snicker) but I think Monday's are different already. They feel different. I'm grateful that I have today with only 2 kids- everything seems easier. Weird?
Happy Birthday to my Allyssa!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOUR JOURNEY and I am so thankful to get to be a part of it. We should have been writing down all of our Very Important Conversations and then writing down actions taken due to those so we could look back and watch how amazing the past 6 years have been!!! Thank you for letting me be a part of it! You crack me up, you save me over and over and help me think clearly. I'd be lost without you! We need an anniversary dinner this summer.
Smell the coffee brewing? It's the best ever. My hair dried all by itself. Why can't it be cute half assed curly?
Jabber mouth has lots more to say but I'm going to spare you, for now. There, put that on your "I'm thankful for...." list!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Are you tired of it yet?
Yes, another post about me trying to beat this last part of the eating disorders ass. I'm partially disgusted with myself that I haven't "beat it" yet, and partially proud that I haven't given up yet.
We went for a 3 mile run.
1st time I have ever run with Cullen, 1st time I've ever run outside, and 100th time I've run, gotten pissed off at the irritating sounds in my head- the ones that tell me that it's not far enough, not fast enough, not ever enough. But I did it anyway. I didn't run the whole way, but it doesn't matter, right? 3 miles is 3 stupid, freakin miles? So yay me, in a way. :)
I'm also having vegetarian Monday. Maybe my eating will stop sucking if I start cooking vegetarian meals that I'll actually EAT?! We're going to find out, friends, we're going to find out.
Cullen came home freaking out on me on Friday- it was bizarre and confusing and I did NOT do a good job sitting back hearing him this time. I let loose about how psychotic he was sounding. Guess what? He has a monster he has to argue with too. He understands when I tell him how hard it is to tune that mo fo out when I'm trying to run or whatever because he listens to his all night long at work. We have an understanding. I know he doesn't really need me to constantly call him. He's not a controlling freak at ALL. He babies me all the time. So anyway- it was weird, and it's over. At least that time it didn't last long and I think that it was actually good for me to freak out on him for a minute and let him know how out of line and insane what he was saying is- made him look at it and hear it with different ears.
My ass hurts. That was a big hill.
That's it. Here we come, week #2 at work. Well, on Tuesday anyway. I am going to have to bring back some of my sparkley things to make it pretty in my little space again. And I HAVE to find a way to have music. It is (was, heheh) ridiculously quiet in there.
We talked about my friends tonight. Cullen said "I give you crap about having all your friends, but it's really a beautiful thing.." I feel like I say it all the time, but I have the world's all time bestest friends EVER IN THE WORLD. Thank you for being my friends.
Is it bad that I love Karma Chameleon so much? HAHAH! Does it make it better if I say that I love Roy O's You Got It too? I am pretty sure I can go without food or water longer than I can go without music. Can you see me in bed with John and Yoko? Refusing food and water, listening to the ipod?
Dork.
HAPPY SUNDAY NIGHT! I think a cherry flavored yum yum drink is in order. And a mean game of canasta. Lookout Cullen, yous about to get SKOOLD!
We went for a 3 mile run.
1st time I have ever run with Cullen, 1st time I've ever run outside, and 100th time I've run, gotten pissed off at the irritating sounds in my head- the ones that tell me that it's not far enough, not fast enough, not ever enough. But I did it anyway. I didn't run the whole way, but it doesn't matter, right? 3 miles is 3 stupid, freakin miles? So yay me, in a way. :)
I'm also having vegetarian Monday. Maybe my eating will stop sucking if I start cooking vegetarian meals that I'll actually EAT?! We're going to find out, friends, we're going to find out.
Cullen came home freaking out on me on Friday- it was bizarre and confusing and I did NOT do a good job sitting back hearing him this time. I let loose about how psychotic he was sounding. Guess what? He has a monster he has to argue with too. He understands when I tell him how hard it is to tune that mo fo out when I'm trying to run or whatever because he listens to his all night long at work. We have an understanding. I know he doesn't really need me to constantly call him. He's not a controlling freak at ALL. He babies me all the time. So anyway- it was weird, and it's over. At least that time it didn't last long and I think that it was actually good for me to freak out on him for a minute and let him know how out of line and insane what he was saying is- made him look at it and hear it with different ears.
My ass hurts. That was a big hill.
That's it. Here we come, week #2 at work. Well, on Tuesday anyway. I am going to have to bring back some of my sparkley things to make it pretty in my little space again. And I HAVE to find a way to have music. It is (was, heheh) ridiculously quiet in there.
We talked about my friends tonight. Cullen said "I give you crap about having all your friends, but it's really a beautiful thing.." I feel like I say it all the time, but I have the world's all time bestest friends EVER IN THE WORLD. Thank you for being my friends.
Is it bad that I love Karma Chameleon so much? HAHAH! Does it make it better if I say that I love Roy O's You Got It too? I am pretty sure I can go without food or water longer than I can go without music. Can you see me in bed with John and Yoko? Refusing food and water, listening to the ipod?
Dork.
HAPPY SUNDAY NIGHT! I think a cherry flavored yum yum drink is in order. And a mean game of canasta. Lookout Cullen, yous about to get SKOOLD!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
WHEEEE!!
*unnecessary post #...well, 310. HAHA!*
I LOVE ME SOME CAFFEINE!
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN'T DO RIGHT NOW?
I CAN TYPE FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF THOUGHT!
I AM ACTUALLY IN 5 DIFFERENT PLACES RIGHT NOW!
THIS! IS! THE! BEST!
I LOVE ME SOME CAFFEINE!
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN'T DO RIGHT NOW?
I CAN TYPE FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF THOUGHT!
I AM ACTUALLY IN 5 DIFFERENT PLACES RIGHT NOW!
THIS! IS! THE! BEST!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Walkin the walk
I really can't tell what's more irritating...feeling like I'm coping for 2 weeks or being so aware of my coping for 2 weeks. That's exhausting.
I'm FINE. Everything is FINE, but do you know what? Most everyone is afraid/nervous of change, and I'm DOING IT.
I'm making changes. These might not be considered big changes to anyone outside of me but for SEVEN YEARS I have been working from home. SEVEN YEARS. I have nursed babies while on the phone with salons. I have sat on the steps and cried about how impossible it felt to be a mom and work at the same time. I have gotten pregnant while on the clock - heheheh! I have juggled more things at the same time than I care to count. Or remember. Slowly, so slowly, I got better and better at juggling. Of course, I could NOT do EVERYTHING absolutely EVERYWHERE, but I did what I could and for a very long time, that was enough. For everyone. Minus Cullen when he wanted me to pick up some of the slack that I'd do now and then.
SEVEN YEARS. That's a very long time to go from juggling family, house and work to THIS, going back into the office.
But it's fine.
It will just take a little while to feel "normal" again.
But bigger than that is that I'm going to take steps to get out. I'm taking the steps. I'm not the first one and I'm not the last one and I'm not building a bar or anything exciting like that, not writing a book BUT I've been where I'm employed for...well, when I got married I was with the company so 14 years. THAT IS A LONG TIME TOO, FRIENDS. And I'm making my way so I can leave there. That's a bfd (for me). I'm DOING THIS.
And I'm coping with nothing feeling normal right now.
I'm doing good.
So I can't run 3 miles because my head is way not good.
So I cry a little easily right now.
So WHAT!
I'm dealing.
I went to Tina's tonight. She wasn't home, she was at the grocery store. Quentin was sitting outside on the deck so I went to sit with him. He said "I need a hug, give me a hug, no one wants to hug me anymore." :) He had enough layers on so it didn't feel like I was going to break him this time and it was just plain good. It was so sweet of Tina to feed all of us. That's no easy feat, and I know it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWi9LLsfhxw<----- all time favorite song, ever, ever. Transports me to a different time and place, and I can almost remember being dressed up all fancy and being danced by someone who I loved so completely....
Anyways, I love Matt and Kalene and Tayler too, and Tina. It's amazing to see children that I've known and loved since they were babies now. Matt is taller than me. When I was hugging him and holding on to him, my head was resting on his CHEST. My baby Matty!!!!!!!!! It was almost as good as when CJ lets me hold him again. Dude's 16, you can imagine how often I get to snuggle him like that anymore. Reason #514 that I love him: "Have you ever pushed and worked so hard on a poop, only to look afterwards and find out that it's a rabbit terd?"
I need to paint my toenails.
I need to find my flippin sandals.
I need to get some work sandals.
And I supose some more work clothes in general.
I need to shower.
Cullen and I were calling eachother at the same time, me to tell him that I was trying to hold it together and I was running and I was so sorry for laughing so hard when he told me about tripping while running (and rolling like 3 times before ocming to a stop, hahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha here we go again!!!) and at the same time he was telling me that if I needed a giggle, to go ahead and he'd retell the story again. HAHAHAHAH!!! There was a branch and Forrest figured he'd leap over it at full speed, ahahhahahahahha!!! And it didn't work out...one minute running, the next rolling. HAHAHAHAHHA!! My poor Cullen! FUNNY! Reminds me of when Jory Jech was over at my parents house and I threw a tennis ball to him and he wasn't ready ....and he dropped, got him in the nuts, and I was on the floor laughing too then. Who else was over? Oh I got tackled for laughing....
HAHAHAHAH! Remember last year at the north shore, CJ and Josh were with us...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! CJ came in from outside to go pee, and I shut the sliding glass door, and he came out of the bathroom running to go back outside and ran straight into it. He bounced. HAHAHAHAHAH! He was on the floor crying, and I was on the couch laughing my ass off, Cullen yelling at me "PULL IT TOGETHER, HE'S HURT!"
Oh My God. I'm sure this is so not as fun for you as it is for me.
Reminds me of bouncing off the bathroom door at mom's house face first, not expecting it to be shut, and then hearing mom fall apart laughing in bed, across the hall. OH FUNNY STUFF.
Okay. Shower and Who's Line. I'm going to make it one more day. One little day at a time.
I'm FINE. Everything is FINE, but do you know what? Most everyone is afraid/nervous of change, and I'm DOING IT.
I'm making changes. These might not be considered big changes to anyone outside of me but for SEVEN YEARS I have been working from home. SEVEN YEARS. I have nursed babies while on the phone with salons. I have sat on the steps and cried about how impossible it felt to be a mom and work at the same time. I have gotten pregnant while on the clock - heheheh! I have juggled more things at the same time than I care to count. Or remember. Slowly, so slowly, I got better and better at juggling. Of course, I could NOT do EVERYTHING absolutely EVERYWHERE, but I did what I could and for a very long time, that was enough. For everyone. Minus Cullen when he wanted me to pick up some of the slack that I'd do now and then.
SEVEN YEARS. That's a very long time to go from juggling family, house and work to THIS, going back into the office.
But it's fine.
It will just take a little while to feel "normal" again.
But bigger than that is that I'm going to take steps to get out. I'm taking the steps. I'm not the first one and I'm not the last one and I'm not building a bar or anything exciting like that, not writing a book BUT I've been where I'm employed for...well, when I got married I was with the company so 14 years. THAT IS A LONG TIME TOO, FRIENDS. And I'm making my way so I can leave there. That's a bfd (for me). I'm DOING THIS.
And I'm coping with nothing feeling normal right now.
I'm doing good.
So I can't run 3 miles because my head is way not good.
So I cry a little easily right now.
So WHAT!
I'm dealing.
I went to Tina's tonight. She wasn't home, she was at the grocery store. Quentin was sitting outside on the deck so I went to sit with him. He said "I need a hug, give me a hug, no one wants to hug me anymore." :) He had enough layers on so it didn't feel like I was going to break him this time and it was just plain good. It was so sweet of Tina to feed all of us. That's no easy feat, and I know it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWi9LLsfhxw<----- all time favorite song, ever, ever. Transports me to a different time and place, and I can almost remember being dressed up all fancy and being danced by someone who I loved so completely....
Anyways, I love Matt and Kalene and Tayler too, and Tina. It's amazing to see children that I've known and loved since they were babies now. Matt is taller than me. When I was hugging him and holding on to him, my head was resting on his CHEST. My baby Matty!!!!!!!!! It was almost as good as when CJ lets me hold him again. Dude's 16, you can imagine how often I get to snuggle him like that anymore. Reason #514 that I love him: "Have you ever pushed and worked so hard on a poop, only to look afterwards and find out that it's a rabbit terd?"
I need to paint my toenails.
I need to find my flippin sandals.
I need to get some work sandals.
And I supose some more work clothes in general.
I need to shower.
Cullen and I were calling eachother at the same time, me to tell him that I was trying to hold it together and I was running and I was so sorry for laughing so hard when he told me about tripping while running (and rolling like 3 times before ocming to a stop, hahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha here we go again!!!) and at the same time he was telling me that if I needed a giggle, to go ahead and he'd retell the story again. HAHAHAHAH!!! There was a branch and Forrest figured he'd leap over it at full speed, ahahhahahahahha!!! And it didn't work out...one minute running, the next rolling. HAHAHAHAHHA!! My poor Cullen! FUNNY! Reminds me of when Jory Jech was over at my parents house and I threw a tennis ball to him and he wasn't ready ....and he dropped, got him in the nuts, and I was on the floor laughing too then. Who else was over? Oh I got tackled for laughing....
HAHAHAHAH! Remember last year at the north shore, CJ and Josh were with us...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! CJ came in from outside to go pee, and I shut the sliding glass door, and he came out of the bathroom running to go back outside and ran straight into it. He bounced. HAHAHAHAHAH! He was on the floor crying, and I was on the couch laughing my ass off, Cullen yelling at me "PULL IT TOGETHER, HE'S HURT!"
Oh My God. I'm sure this is so not as fun for you as it is for me.
Reminds me of bouncing off the bathroom door at mom's house face first, not expecting it to be shut, and then hearing mom fall apart laughing in bed, across the hall. OH FUNNY STUFF.
Okay. Shower and Who's Line. I'm going to make it one more day. One little day at a time.
It's getting dark...and cold, oh so cold...
MFN says that I'll be used to "this" (being at work all day Tues_Fri) soon. In a week? I don't know, but I hope that feeling hurries up because I feel like I'm dying. Suffocating. Can't breathe. They are going to hate me. I'm too loud! Did they forget? I mean, I am here 2 times a week normally but this is DIFFERENT!
I feel like I've abandoned my babies even though it isn't permanent, the ache is still there horribly. HORRIBLY. What have I done? Julia and Jordan are getting screwed. :(
How long? How long til this seems normal? How long til i don't have to do this anymore? I'm working on it but I can only go as fast as that process goes.
Are my babies going to miss me? Are they going to notice? :( BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! (eating more chocolate)
I feel like I've abandoned my babies even though it isn't permanent, the ache is still there horribly. HORRIBLY. What have I done? Julia and Jordan are getting screwed. :(
How long? How long til this seems normal? How long til i don't have to do this anymore? I'm working on it but I can only go as fast as that process goes.
Are my babies going to miss me? Are they going to notice? :( BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! (eating more chocolate)
Monday, April 19, 2010
ORRRR
we won't and I'll do an i love list, that is much more uplifting!
I Love:
smelling the bag of coffee when it's empty. I keep them. Cullen throws them away when I'm not looking. He thinks I don't know it.
my pretty, pretty spider. I seriously think some day I won't be afraid of her anymore.
When all my favorite people come over to my house and I get to laugh my head off all night long.
When my all time favorite people come over to my house and I get to laugh my head off all night long.
When MFN comes over after work. :D
When the birds wake up but the rest of the world is still sleeping, and it sound so soft and peaceful outside.
Painting. I'm going to do it soon.
Paying bills. I know, sick, right? Feels good to me.
Sauna's...drinking ice cold water and sitting in a sauna.
Then jumping in a cool pool after the sweatfest.
Staying in said pool til I'm chilly and heating up in the sauna again.
Hugging someone who means it.
Hearing CJ say "Julia and Jordan, want me to read you a bedtime story?"
Julia flinging her arms open as wide as she can so she can monster hug me.
Baby Ellie letting me hold her without freaking out
Laying on the floor with some 100 year old music on, floating away in my mind.
Showered, shaved, lotioned, jammied. blankied.
When all the kids eat their freakin dinner.
And when they go to bed with me yelling at them after telling them to be quiet 15 times. :D
Taking steps towards a goal (did some today).
*knowing*
finding things that the kids store in random places
Not being a victim, ever.
choices
big bananas (that's for you, MFN!)
Oh, The Places You'll Go and Fox In Socks. That bitch is so coming out the next time peeps are over. We're going to have a read off.
Watching the boy and girl robin in the yard eating together.
The shells from the yard that Josh keeps digging up. I mean, seriously, WTF? They are big, and he has to dig quite a bit to get them. ?!
DAVID BLAINE. I love that man.
flying in airplanes
freedom
Okay, done now, I think. :D That was good for me, thanks! :)
I Love:
smelling the bag of coffee when it's empty. I keep them. Cullen throws them away when I'm not looking. He thinks I don't know it.
my pretty, pretty spider. I seriously think some day I won't be afraid of her anymore.
When all my favorite people come over to my house and I get to laugh my head off all night long.
When my all time favorite people come over to my house and I get to laugh my head off all night long.
When MFN comes over after work. :D
When the birds wake up but the rest of the world is still sleeping, and it sound so soft and peaceful outside.
Painting. I'm going to do it soon.
Paying bills. I know, sick, right? Feels good to me.
Sauna's...drinking ice cold water and sitting in a sauna.
Then jumping in a cool pool after the sweatfest.
Staying in said pool til I'm chilly and heating up in the sauna again.
Hugging someone who means it.
Hearing CJ say "Julia and Jordan, want me to read you a bedtime story?"
Julia flinging her arms open as wide as she can so she can monster hug me.
Baby Ellie letting me hold her without freaking out
Laying on the floor with some 100 year old music on, floating away in my mind.
Showered, shaved, lotioned, jammied. blankied.
When all the kids eat their freakin dinner.
And when they go to bed with me yelling at them after telling them to be quiet 15 times. :D
Taking steps towards a goal (did some today).
*knowing*
finding things that the kids store in random places
Not being a victim, ever.
choices
big bananas (that's for you, MFN!)
Oh, The Places You'll Go and Fox In Socks. That bitch is so coming out the next time peeps are over. We're going to have a read off.
Watching the boy and girl robin in the yard eating together.
The shells from the yard that Josh keeps digging up. I mean, seriously, WTF? They are big, and he has to dig quite a bit to get them. ?!
DAVID BLAINE. I love that man.
flying in airplanes
freedom
Okay, done now, I think. :D That was good for me, thanks! :)
1 and some down...
Weird things come out sometimes when I'm running. It must be anything that I inadvertantly shove down to get through the moment that comes back later when I'm running...
Tina came in today, and we were chatting. She'd mentioned that her dad was out in the van- we were waiting for Tayler to get here after school. Quentin sprung a kidney leak today so had to go to the hospital, and they weren't sure how long it was going to take. Didn't take as long as they'd thought...so we were chatting and Tina's dealing with some tough stuff right now (dad wise) ....and we look out, and there he is, sitting on the front step. Skinny as can be. She mentioned he probably couldn't make it up the steps. I went out to sit by him and say hi...see how he was doing. It's such a stupid, stupid question to ask someone who's body is slowly but surely being ravished by cancer, isn't it? I said I was sorry. He said he's not as good as he'd like to be, and we talked about being drunk. :D If only alcohol would stay down.
He's somehow skinnier than ever, and I wanted to touch him and hug him but I didn't want to hurt him. He said he wanted to come in but couldn't make it up the steps and I wanted to die and cry right then and there, for that feeling, how hard it must have been to make it up the one step. And then I'm so stupid that I didn't realize how badly sitting on cement must have been hurting him, with no meat on his bones. Stupid! I got him a cushion and it helped.
Tayler made it here and they left but I as I was running all I could see was Quentin, sitting on the front step, tired and in pain and he just couldn't make it in.....I'm so sorry, I didn't know and didn't think of it...to help him in, that it hurt to sit...I didn't know.
That was fun. Let's run another mile and see what else comes out. Think I'll get the guilty feeling for not calling my grandma back today? Or Tina Clay, who I DESPERATELY need to call back and keep putting off?
Let's find out!
Tina came in today, and we were chatting. She'd mentioned that her dad was out in the van- we were waiting for Tayler to get here after school. Quentin sprung a kidney leak today so had to go to the hospital, and they weren't sure how long it was going to take. Didn't take as long as they'd thought...so we were chatting and Tina's dealing with some tough stuff right now (dad wise) ....and we look out, and there he is, sitting on the front step. Skinny as can be. She mentioned he probably couldn't make it up the steps. I went out to sit by him and say hi...see how he was doing. It's such a stupid, stupid question to ask someone who's body is slowly but surely being ravished by cancer, isn't it? I said I was sorry. He said he's not as good as he'd like to be, and we talked about being drunk. :D If only alcohol would stay down.
He's somehow skinnier than ever, and I wanted to touch him and hug him but I didn't want to hurt him. He said he wanted to come in but couldn't make it up the steps and I wanted to die and cry right then and there, for that feeling, how hard it must have been to make it up the one step. And then I'm so stupid that I didn't realize how badly sitting on cement must have been hurting him, with no meat on his bones. Stupid! I got him a cushion and it helped.
Tayler made it here and they left but I as I was running all I could see was Quentin, sitting on the front step, tired and in pain and he just couldn't make it in.....I'm so sorry, I didn't know and didn't think of it...to help him in, that it hurt to sit...I didn't know.
That was fun. Let's run another mile and see what else comes out. Think I'll get the guilty feeling for not calling my grandma back today? Or Tina Clay, who I DESPERATELY need to call back and keep putting off?
Let's find out!
Missing The Whole Point
So I'm going to get on the treadmill. I mostly took last week off and that was okay. I've been post drink eating since Sunday. It's time.
It's a head screw, still, but I've got this.
I'm looking around for my gum and can't find it. I think "Hey, I have mints or something in my purse..."- just want something in my mouth.
Like Hershey Kisses.
Okay, I'll eat Hershey Kisses while I'm running on the treadmill!
What a dumbass.
It's a head screw, still, but I've got this.
I'm looking around for my gum and can't find it. I think "Hey, I have mints or something in my purse..."- just want something in my mouth.
Like Hershey Kisses.
Okay, I'll eat Hershey Kisses while I'm running on the treadmill!
What a dumbass.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Who's a rockstar? A very caffeinated rockstar?
It's ME!
Or not.....
Sometimes, I am so bizarre that I amaze even me.
Okay- first of all, I made it. I made it through the stupid week. I made it through the stupid review, and it went just absolutely the way I thought it would. It's fine. I'm going back to the office. The guilt over "abandoning" my kids is huge, but I'm not planning on being away from them for more than a few months. My boss is very good at his job. Things are starting to fall right into place.
Maybe you thought you'd get a book on it? heheheh
I thought so too.
Ever have someone say to you "The way that I *need* to act in no way reflects how I feel about you?" I got it 2 times today, isn't that funny? NOT FUNNY. One time was comforting, the other made me cry. That is so interesting, that 2 people can say essentially the same thing, and be so different. But in a way, it's the same. I'm cared about and I know that. And everything is going to be perfectly okay.
I've got my work cut out for me.
I get to see my nephew tonight. Nick. I got to watch him be born 10 years ago Monday. I was there when his father should have been there, but wasn't allowed to be, by the mom. I'll always feel a little guilty about that, for Brian. He should have been there, but me NOT being there wouldn't have made her let him watch. And it was life changing for me, it really was. I never saw life quite the same after seeing a body do that. That was after my miscarriages and before my kids and Heidi blessed me in a way she'll never know, letting me be a part of that.
I'm going to go to the pizza party. I am going to focus. I don't know why I feel like I have a big cry on the inside, waiting to come out. We'll find out later if it's going to still need to.
Once a whackjob, always a whackjob.
Or not.....
Sometimes, I am so bizarre that I amaze even me.
Okay- first of all, I made it. I made it through the stupid week. I made it through the stupid review, and it went just absolutely the way I thought it would. It's fine. I'm going back to the office. The guilt over "abandoning" my kids is huge, but I'm not planning on being away from them for more than a few months. My boss is very good at his job. Things are starting to fall right into place.
Maybe you thought you'd get a book on it? heheheh
I thought so too.
Ever have someone say to you "The way that I *need* to act in no way reflects how I feel about you?" I got it 2 times today, isn't that funny? NOT FUNNY. One time was comforting, the other made me cry. That is so interesting, that 2 people can say essentially the same thing, and be so different. But in a way, it's the same. I'm cared about and I know that. And everything is going to be perfectly okay.
I've got my work cut out for me.
I get to see my nephew tonight. Nick. I got to watch him be born 10 years ago Monday. I was there when his father should have been there, but wasn't allowed to be, by the mom. I'll always feel a little guilty about that, for Brian. He should have been there, but me NOT being there wouldn't have made her let him watch. And it was life changing for me, it really was. I never saw life quite the same after seeing a body do that. That was after my miscarriages and before my kids and Heidi blessed me in a way she'll never know, letting me be a part of that.
I'm going to go to the pizza party. I am going to focus. I don't know why I feel like I have a big cry on the inside, waiting to come out. We'll find out later if it's going to still need to.
Once a whackjob, always a whackjob.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Smart Gemini
How'd my 6 year old get so smart so fast?
He was pouting. When he pouts, he stops responding, and you can just see him...dragging. He was annoyed about CJ trying to teach him a certain way to throw a baseball. It was typical "first born/leader" vs "independent child" stuff. No big. But he was pouting.
I'd had enough. I looked at him from across the room and said "In 5 seconds I'm coming over there to dance for you if you don't knock it off." He didn't. So I went over, singing and dancing all over him.
My smart Gemini froze. Didn't crack a smile. Didn't make eye contact. Didn't move to push me off of him or away from his face.
And it WORKED. I went away. Someone told him that the Leo's in the house will leave you alone if you stay real still...it's like we can't see you and get bored and go away. Smart, smart Joshy.
He was pouting. When he pouts, he stops responding, and you can just see him...dragging. He was annoyed about CJ trying to teach him a certain way to throw a baseball. It was typical "first born/leader" vs "independent child" stuff. No big. But he was pouting.
I'd had enough. I looked at him from across the room and said "In 5 seconds I'm coming over there to dance for you if you don't knock it off." He didn't. So I went over, singing and dancing all over him.
My smart Gemini froze. Didn't crack a smile. Didn't make eye contact. Didn't move to push me off of him or away from his face.
And it WORKED. I went away. Someone told him that the Leo's in the house will leave you alone if you stay real still...it's like we can't see you and get bored and go away. Smart, smart Joshy.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The Million Wonders Of The World
It's another God post. You can stop now if you don't wanna hear it. :D
I am pretty sure that in my life, God is no different than saying Life, Love, Laughter, Good, Happy, Sunshine, Warm Breeze, Cool Nights, Starry Sky or Full Tank Of Gas. Yes, I'm pretty sure that I am clear on the Bigness of Whatever It Is, and everywhere I look, I see it. Everywhere. The caramel pecan brownie that Cullen hid for me contained It. The pasta which was rated so-so by the bringers had It too. The smell coming in from outside, the kinda humid, sweet, damp smelling breeze is FULL of It. The art work I pour through and let steal my heart has It. Clean carpets have It. Don't you see? It's everywhere! There are no rules to It. No restrictive chains, no gate keeping anyone out from enjoying It. It's everywhere, if we'll only see. The green leaves, growing...did you see? Did you hear it? The sound of the cars on the freeway calms me, singing me songs about It, my pillow cradles my head with It, the beautiful words I read are It in It's purest form, a good poop that doesn't tear me apart.... ;)
A song that says what I can't get out, a melody that haunts long after it's done, fruit growing on trees, the encouraging word, Haagen Daaz coffee icecream, seeing a beautiful person, a funny show, a soft couch, a warm shower, the kids loving eachother, unasked for snuggles, the perfect french fry, love expressed, saying no to an emotional vampire, simmering sauces, animal shelters, good foster parents,a house built with love and care, dandelions, lavendar on the side of the freeway, indigo buntings, Vicks Vapor Rub...want me to stop before I name every single thing that I've ever laid eyes on? :)
You're lucky Who's Line Is It Anyway is about to start. hehe
Don't forget to look around............love is EVERYWHERE.
I am pretty sure that in my life, God is no different than saying Life, Love, Laughter, Good, Happy, Sunshine, Warm Breeze, Cool Nights, Starry Sky or Full Tank Of Gas. Yes, I'm pretty sure that I am clear on the Bigness of Whatever It Is, and everywhere I look, I see it. Everywhere. The caramel pecan brownie that Cullen hid for me contained It. The pasta which was rated so-so by the bringers had It too. The smell coming in from outside, the kinda humid, sweet, damp smelling breeze is FULL of It. The art work I pour through and let steal my heart has It. Clean carpets have It. Don't you see? It's everywhere! There are no rules to It. No restrictive chains, no gate keeping anyone out from enjoying It. It's everywhere, if we'll only see. The green leaves, growing...did you see? Did you hear it? The sound of the cars on the freeway calms me, singing me songs about It, my pillow cradles my head with It, the beautiful words I read are It in It's purest form, a good poop that doesn't tear me apart.... ;)
A song that says what I can't get out, a melody that haunts long after it's done, fruit growing on trees, the encouraging word, Haagen Daaz coffee icecream, seeing a beautiful person, a funny show, a soft couch, a warm shower, the kids loving eachother, unasked for snuggles, the perfect french fry, love expressed, saying no to an emotional vampire, simmering sauces, animal shelters, good foster parents,a house built with love and care, dandelions, lavendar on the side of the freeway, indigo buntings, Vicks Vapor Rub...want me to stop before I name every single thing that I've ever laid eyes on? :)
You're lucky Who's Line Is It Anyway is about to start. hehe
Don't forget to look around............love is EVERYWHERE.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Nicki, here's a soap box, tell us how you really feel..
Ick. Blogs are so narcissistic. It's actually as gross as it is theraputic. Who was it the other night that snickered "*YOU* have a blog?" Yeah, I know. What could possibly be so important that I have to BLOG IT? Or have other people read it. It's not a cry for attention, I'm just a little SNARKY right now.
There is a method to my madness, it turns out.
I learned something about me right now. I must have known it somewhere in me...
I haven't run in days. Because I'm holding in a lot of stress about work. It's how I roll. I look completely calm on the outside. I'm not the only one who deals this way. I've had to learn to actually say when something is causing me stress because it does come out in weird ways, but I just ...don't show it. I'm carefully holding it in, waiting for the Epitome Of The Stress to come to be, and pass.
Well, I supose it's evident if you're around me enough. Eating is hard, not the eating disordered don't wanna eat, just not overly hungry because of stress. I'm a little barkier at home trying to work because I feel extra pressure over everything I am doing.
You wouldn't think that this review would be such a big deal, would you? I'll admit that chances are really good that I'm making it a lot bigger than it's going to be. Or maybe I'm not. Working from home has given me a freedom to do two things at the same time: be with and raise my babies, and work and bring in an income. It IS NOT working anymore. It hasn't in a little while. I have said it for a very long time, I'm not 100% at anything I'm doing. BUT having said that, I am AMAZING for juggling like I have, and THAT is what is pissing me off. I am going to have to hear about how unamazing what I've been doing is, because the fact that I'm raising kids at the same time factors in NOT AT ALL in this review.
So anyways, I know it's coming, I'm fine, I've got a plan, I'm taking action, it's all good, somehow, but I haven't run because that kinda lets the Monster out. I'm preparing to hear a bunch of hard stuff, that will likely hurt my feelings, and to run is to let the RUN, FATTY monster out, because it's an opportunist like no other. I did good for almost 2 miles but then it was LOUD and horrible and now I'm sitting here crying trying to make the noise stop. I still have on my black work socks. I probably smell. I need a shower, but I just am done right now. I failed a little bit, I couldn't beat my head tonight, and I tried, and I lost.
Stupid girl. Nothing should be *this* big of a deal. Not stupid ass running, not my stupid ass review...
I'd really be a rockstar if I got back on and kept going.
The song is singing to me being alone, is the best way to be....but it's NOT for me right now.
It's okay. I'll be okay. I always am. One more hour.
There is a method to my madness, it turns out.
I learned something about me right now. I must have known it somewhere in me...
I haven't run in days. Because I'm holding in a lot of stress about work. It's how I roll. I look completely calm on the outside. I'm not the only one who deals this way. I've had to learn to actually say when something is causing me stress because it does come out in weird ways, but I just ...don't show it. I'm carefully holding it in, waiting for the Epitome Of The Stress to come to be, and pass.
Well, I supose it's evident if you're around me enough. Eating is hard, not the eating disordered don't wanna eat, just not overly hungry because of stress. I'm a little barkier at home trying to work because I feel extra pressure over everything I am doing.
You wouldn't think that this review would be such a big deal, would you? I'll admit that chances are really good that I'm making it a lot bigger than it's going to be. Or maybe I'm not. Working from home has given me a freedom to do two things at the same time: be with and raise my babies, and work and bring in an income. It IS NOT working anymore. It hasn't in a little while. I have said it for a very long time, I'm not 100% at anything I'm doing. BUT having said that, I am AMAZING for juggling like I have, and THAT is what is pissing me off. I am going to have to hear about how unamazing what I've been doing is, because the fact that I'm raising kids at the same time factors in NOT AT ALL in this review.
So anyways, I know it's coming, I'm fine, I've got a plan, I'm taking action, it's all good, somehow, but I haven't run because that kinda lets the Monster out. I'm preparing to hear a bunch of hard stuff, that will likely hurt my feelings, and to run is to let the RUN, FATTY monster out, because it's an opportunist like no other. I did good for almost 2 miles but then it was LOUD and horrible and now I'm sitting here crying trying to make the noise stop. I still have on my black work socks. I probably smell. I need a shower, but I just am done right now. I failed a little bit, I couldn't beat my head tonight, and I tried, and I lost.
Stupid girl. Nothing should be *this* big of a deal. Not stupid ass running, not my stupid ass review...
I'd really be a rockstar if I got back on and kept going.
The song is singing to me being alone, is the best way to be....but it's NOT for me right now.
It's okay. I'll be okay. I always am. One more hour.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Hierarchies
Maybe that's part of my problem, with my work stuff. I hate hierarchies. I understand that they have their place, and that it "works", but really? And I know a million people have dealt with having people who were once their coworkers managing them and it stinks a little bit, but this is different still, because I'm a freak.
I don't have the sucking up gene. It's missing. Do you know why? Because we are all the freakin same. Obama's shit stinks. Sometimes he probably smells bad and Michelle has to order him into the shower, immediately. He has cried at movies, I bet, and he has felt so frustrated he's wanted to quit. He's felt like the whole world hates him, and he's felt like he's loved. He loves his family bigger than anything, and is terrified he's taken missteps in raising his daughters. He and Michelle have certainly had their fights, and they have both probably wondered if "it" was worth it, getting married, being President, pick a topic. Michelle has wondered why he can't just put his dirty clothes in the dirty pile instead of 4 feet from it. Or why he can't hit the damned toilet. It's no different anywhere. I know things about my boss. I knew him - the him of him, and I loved him. Review can't be fun to do, either, I know that. But I look around at all the people I am "suposed" to "suck up" to, or NOT talk to because they are SO FAR UP *THERE* and I don't get it. I'm not properly afraid of them. it would probably serve me well to BE afraid of them in some fashion. I'm just nervous because I am still me, probably more me than I've ever been, and I'm pretty sure he is not as HIM as he used to be- perhaps he is happy, perhaps he feels satisfied and fulfilled and good about him, but ME, I am going to have to sit there being ME and try to deal with whatever he pitches me...and I'm just ME.
UGH.
It's fine, really. I don't feel that worried about it anymore. I know what I'm going to and how I'm going to get there and it's going to be just fine, better than fine. I'm going to FLY. I'm going to make my soul happy, and I'm going to have a story to tell about getting the balls to DO SOMETHING.
I didn't run. I almost got motivated when I considered the good music I could listen to, but I'll worry about it tomorrow. For today, I just get to sit here and be me.
I wonder if I could get brave enough to get rid of cable? I'm refusing to watch TV right now, but I'll cave later.
In my dream world, I wonder if I even need a TV? I could read, knit, scrapbook, email, dream, scheme, make plans, write love notes to the people I love....and so could the kids. Wouldn't that be something?
I don't have the sucking up gene. It's missing. Do you know why? Because we are all the freakin same. Obama's shit stinks. Sometimes he probably smells bad and Michelle has to order him into the shower, immediately. He has cried at movies, I bet, and he has felt so frustrated he's wanted to quit. He's felt like the whole world hates him, and he's felt like he's loved. He loves his family bigger than anything, and is terrified he's taken missteps in raising his daughters. He and Michelle have certainly had their fights, and they have both probably wondered if "it" was worth it, getting married, being President, pick a topic. Michelle has wondered why he can't just put his dirty clothes in the dirty pile instead of 4 feet from it. Or why he can't hit the damned toilet. It's no different anywhere. I know things about my boss. I knew him - the him of him, and I loved him. Review can't be fun to do, either, I know that. But I look around at all the people I am "suposed" to "suck up" to, or NOT talk to because they are SO FAR UP *THERE* and I don't get it. I'm not properly afraid of them. it would probably serve me well to BE afraid of them in some fashion. I'm just nervous because I am still me, probably more me than I've ever been, and I'm pretty sure he is not as HIM as he used to be- perhaps he is happy, perhaps he feels satisfied and fulfilled and good about him, but ME, I am going to have to sit there being ME and try to deal with whatever he pitches me...and I'm just ME.
UGH.
It's fine, really. I don't feel that worried about it anymore. I know what I'm going to and how I'm going to get there and it's going to be just fine, better than fine. I'm going to FLY. I'm going to make my soul happy, and I'm going to have a story to tell about getting the balls to DO SOMETHING.
I didn't run. I almost got motivated when I considered the good music I could listen to, but I'll worry about it tomorrow. For today, I just get to sit here and be me.
I wonder if I could get brave enough to get rid of cable? I'm refusing to watch TV right now, but I'll cave later.
In my dream world, I wonder if I even need a TV? I could read, knit, scrapbook, email, dream, scheme, make plans, write love notes to the people I love....and so could the kids. Wouldn't that be something?
Happy 300th post to me!
*waiting for the confetti and party whistles to start*
And for the freaking world to applaud my continued patience with everything in my life right now. EXCEPT- playing canasta with Cullen last night, I got to exercise my total and complete IMPATIENCE by slapping the incessant wilds I was getting on everything in sight instead of waiting for my cards to come to me. He shook his head, but it sure felt good to finally just not have to sit and be patient for another minute.
On Friday I am going to know exactly what which way to move with my kidney. I also think I figured out what I'm going to do because my head isn't screaming "STUCK" at me anymore, but it does involve going into the office 4 days a week for a little while.
But I've got other things rollin now, and I'm going to be okay. That probably sounds generic but I don't think you understand how stressed out I get/was over it. I mean, can't eat, can't sleep, want to run away in the worst way ever stressed out over it. And I am aware that if I can't change the actual situation, I am in complete control of my attitude regarding it--- it is what has saved me a million times over in regards to Cullen, work, any life situation that feels out of my control. And time IS on my side.
Jordan is running around with a backwards baseball hat on (otherwise know has bbbh to Jessica and I back in highschool). God they are so cute it hurts sometimes.
Know what I'm going to do today? I had big plans. 4 miles. Every day. To take advantage of having a little more time before surgery. However, I just noticed that the noise in my head wasn't how it should be. I started hearing things about how much *everyone else* is running, and it's shorts time and all the little girls who haven't grown babies are coming out of the woodwork looking all delicious.
I'm not going to run. AND to top it off- I'm going to NOT RUN today (again) and I'm going to DARE to like myself ANYWAY. Afterall, I grew these perfectly astounding babies. No man can do what my body did. Speaking of men (HAHAH! Okay, MAN, who needs those english teachers anyway?)- I happen to be adored how I am RIGHT NOW. I don't need to lose one single pound. In fact, when I weighed even MORE (gasp!) than I do right now, I was still adored. And I mean it! I believe him when he says it. He shows me. When my head gets naughty, he makes me stop and he shows me. And I can't for the life of me remember what I was feeling badly about then. Lots of times, I already know it. I know that anyone who has had babies, and even more who have not, have the same body stuff going on, and GOD KNOWS we have WAY TOO MUCH of a messed up self image crisis going on anyway. *I* am NOT MY BODY. I am so much bigger than my body, so much MORE than my body. I love my body. It works. It works so well....
I don't have to run. I can if I want to, but it doesn't matter. Isn't that a nice freedom? I can have a goal and nothing bad happens if I don't reach it. The world won't stop. I will keep going.
Yay, crazy not running Nicki, yay. haha!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Cherry, Cherry...why do you love me so?
Again- how is it that I have the most perfect people in my life?
I mean, seriously. Yesterday, end of day, I was already completely stressed out about work and working hard to keep that in one part of me so that I can function normally for the whole weekend and week next week, and what happens? I punch out and hit 40:15, which means that I am DEAD MEAT. I emailed JJJ to tell him and then got off the puter in fear. Enter Angie, DJ, a bunch of pizza and a couple of kids.
We met Randy across the street, we watched people swoop in to take whatever we put out on the curb, we ate, we drank (Cherry UV) and she thoroughly cracked me up. She makes me laugh til I cry. DJ helps. GOD the things he does. It's so awesome....like the time that he very, very, VERY angrily and crabbily spent HOURS - HOURS!!! picking up doggie turds from the yard, completely confused about how so many came to be....only to later realize (HOURS LATER!) that those weren't terds. Their yard had been aereated, and the it had rained, so the plugs were a little mushy looking. Or how the stupid kid at the hardware store couldn't get him the correct part for their new dishwasher so after 2 trips to the store, he said screw it and took the whole dishwasher with him.
And it helps, of course, that I was at a 6, maybe even a 7 when we decided to open my work email and she read what our boss wrote for me, then she tiraded on how I do NOT need to sit back and take this and how this, that and the other is NOT my fault, etc. Here I've been working so hard on not being defensive and just listening to him and taking it, and then Cullen comes home and they sit around around alternately making fun of me (I did the dishes in the dishwasher twice) and railing on JJJ. Anyways, I NEEDED THAT! I love my friends so much. I wonder if they (you) will ever understand how much I do.
And today doesn't hurt, WHOO HOOOOO!!! I could probably use some water, but I'm good. And I think I'm ready to dedicate myself to 4 miles a day in order to be as ready as I can be for surgery. I think. 4 miles 5 times a week. HA! Pretty ambitious, aren't I? I kinda require something to run FOR, and surgery isn't in sight so it's hard to see that. Good thing I've got another thing in my arsenal of tricks to use. :D
Today we'll hit the refuge. Can't wait!
I mean, seriously. Yesterday, end of day, I was already completely stressed out about work and working hard to keep that in one part of me so that I can function normally for the whole weekend and week next week, and what happens? I punch out and hit 40:15, which means that I am DEAD MEAT. I emailed JJJ to tell him and then got off the puter in fear. Enter Angie, DJ, a bunch of pizza and a couple of kids.
We met Randy across the street, we watched people swoop in to take whatever we put out on the curb, we ate, we drank (Cherry UV) and she thoroughly cracked me up. She makes me laugh til I cry. DJ helps. GOD the things he does. It's so awesome....like the time that he very, very, VERY angrily and crabbily spent HOURS - HOURS!!! picking up doggie turds from the yard, completely confused about how so many came to be....only to later realize (HOURS LATER!) that those weren't terds. Their yard had been aereated, and the it had rained, so the plugs were a little mushy looking. Or how the stupid kid at the hardware store couldn't get him the correct part for their new dishwasher so after 2 trips to the store, he said screw it and took the whole dishwasher with him.
And it helps, of course, that I was at a 6, maybe even a 7 when we decided to open my work email and she read what our boss wrote for me, then she tiraded on how I do NOT need to sit back and take this and how this, that and the other is NOT my fault, etc. Here I've been working so hard on not being defensive and just listening to him and taking it, and then Cullen comes home and they sit around around alternately making fun of me (I did the dishes in the dishwasher twice) and railing on JJJ. Anyways, I NEEDED THAT! I love my friends so much. I wonder if they (you) will ever understand how much I do.
And today doesn't hurt, WHOO HOOOOO!!! I could probably use some water, but I'm good. And I think I'm ready to dedicate myself to 4 miles a day in order to be as ready as I can be for surgery. I think. 4 miles 5 times a week. HA! Pretty ambitious, aren't I? I kinda require something to run FOR, and surgery isn't in sight so it's hard to see that. Good thing I've got another thing in my arsenal of tricks to use. :D
Today we'll hit the refuge. Can't wait!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Where does Love Live?
I'm not trying to be Super Girl by being on the Paired Exchange list. I DO think it would be marvelous if more than one life was helped, and if me helping one person will cause others to be helped, who can measure that? What would that be worth if you or the person you love more than anyone in the world were slowly slipping away, slowly and painfully slipping away, waiting for a kidney?
On the flip side, I'd be matched next Monday if I were on the other list, and I'd end someone's wait SOONER. I'd have surgery sooner, be recovered soon, and moving on sooner. Is that just me wanting to be done? Or wanting someone to get a kidney sooner?
It's both.
I could be waiting months on the paired exchange list.
That shouldn't matter, and doesn't, in terms of my life and surgery- but it matters because during that time, I could have already donated and someone's world can start getting back to normal (assuming it works).
What to do, what to do....is patience a virtue or can I hurry things up and ..hurry things up?
I can't tell. I can stay busy and let the rest of my life fill my mind, until I get the call, or I can FINALLY have the surgery that I've been working on for a year (yeah, I know. Only a year. But that's a year and 2 surgeries, all trying to get to this one).
What about that whole list of people who don't have willing donors?
:(
How much caffeine did my 2 cups of decaf HAVE?! My head sure is busy today...
On the flip side, I'd be matched next Monday if I were on the other list, and I'd end someone's wait SOONER. I'd have surgery sooner, be recovered soon, and moving on sooner. Is that just me wanting to be done? Or wanting someone to get a kidney sooner?
It's both.
I could be waiting months on the paired exchange list.
That shouldn't matter, and doesn't, in terms of my life and surgery- but it matters because during that time, I could have already donated and someone's world can start getting back to normal (assuming it works).
What to do, what to do....is patience a virtue or can I hurry things up and ..hurry things up?
I can't tell. I can stay busy and let the rest of my life fill my mind, until I get the call, or I can FINALLY have the surgery that I've been working on for a year (yeah, I know. Only a year. But that's a year and 2 surgeries, all trying to get to this one).
What about that whole list of people who don't have willing donors?
:(
How much caffeine did my 2 cups of decaf HAVE?! My head sure is busy today...
The Husbands
This is so out of this world ridiculous, I have to tell you. I mean, it's right up there with the fact that Justin Freakin Bieber is on the cover of a magazine, and that it's going to sell as many copies as it is. NUTS.
I can't remember how much I told you about Allyssa before, and how she has saved my life. Dramatic Leo, maybe? Maybe. But For Real- I don't know if I would have made it through the early days of little babies without her, and I still couldn't make it now. It's all kind of amazing, actually- the people in my life are the EXACT PERFECT PEOPLE I need in my life. I couldn't tailor make my friends more perfectly. I honestly couldn't. take Jamie- I moved in and blogged immediately that I just moved in next door to my new bestie. I knew it! And I was right! Magic!!! Back to Allyssa- the other night I walked into Old Chicago (where I told her to go, apparently, but I went to Applebees where we normally go, after a conversation 25 minutes prior regarding how much better Old Chicago is than Applebees. Did you follow that?), sat down, apologized for the fact I was about to saturate her full of *my* crap this time, and then I did just that. Not only did she hear me, like she always does, but she filled in my blanks for me and didn't make me feel bad for even a minute that it was all about me. She saves me, even when it's her turn to be all about her, somehow, when we're all done being together or talking, *I* still feel better. It's incredible. (and now that I'm thinking of it, this plays out in every relationship that I love....that's so magic there are no words for it! Truly. Nicki without words? Could hope be alive afterall??!)
Well, here's how pathetic we are sometimes. Okay, I'm not going to out her part in any patheticness...but for me...I just called her and she's not home right now. Grant, who is witness to our patheticness often, somehow made me feel better ...I don't even know how he did it or what he said. But I know that he KNOWS my patheticness and will convey it to Allyssa, who will call me back. Sounds simple, right? And like something that takes place a million times a day "Call ________ back." but this is bigger and better! He somehow patted me on the head and told me to sit tight, she'll be right back, all without calling me out on the semi desperateness (which stems more from my impulsiveness and impatience...like when i get an idea, i need to share it RIGHT NOW kind of thing) which I certainly did not convey. :D
I should win awards for blogging more blogs about nothing at all than anyone else in the whole wide world. Can you JUST IMAGINE everything I am NOT saying in here? Must be some seriously good shit for all the blah blah blah I put out on here daily. :D
I can't remember how much I told you about Allyssa before, and how she has saved my life. Dramatic Leo, maybe? Maybe. But For Real- I don't know if I would have made it through the early days of little babies without her, and I still couldn't make it now. It's all kind of amazing, actually- the people in my life are the EXACT PERFECT PEOPLE I need in my life. I couldn't tailor make my friends more perfectly. I honestly couldn't. take Jamie- I moved in and blogged immediately that I just moved in next door to my new bestie. I knew it! And I was right! Magic!!! Back to Allyssa- the other night I walked into Old Chicago (where I told her to go, apparently, but I went to Applebees where we normally go, after a conversation 25 minutes prior regarding how much better Old Chicago is than Applebees. Did you follow that?), sat down, apologized for the fact I was about to saturate her full of *my* crap this time, and then I did just that. Not only did she hear me, like she always does, but she filled in my blanks for me and didn't make me feel bad for even a minute that it was all about me. She saves me, even when it's her turn to be all about her, somehow, when we're all done being together or talking, *I* still feel better. It's incredible. (and now that I'm thinking of it, this plays out in every relationship that I love....that's so magic there are no words for it! Truly. Nicki without words? Could hope be alive afterall??!)
Well, here's how pathetic we are sometimes. Okay, I'm not going to out her part in any patheticness...but for me...I just called her and she's not home right now. Grant, who is witness to our patheticness often, somehow made me feel better ...I don't even know how he did it or what he said. But I know that he KNOWS my patheticness and will convey it to Allyssa, who will call me back. Sounds simple, right? And like something that takes place a million times a day "Call ________ back." but this is bigger and better! He somehow patted me on the head and told me to sit tight, she'll be right back, all without calling me out on the semi desperateness (which stems more from my impulsiveness and impatience...like when i get an idea, i need to share it RIGHT NOW kind of thing) which I certainly did not convey. :D
I should win awards for blogging more blogs about nothing at all than anyone else in the whole wide world. Can you JUST IMAGINE everything I am NOT saying in here? Must be some seriously good shit for all the blah blah blah I put out on here daily. :D
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Quirks, too
Jamie has to put her pants on a certain way! :) Oops...maybe all 3 of you didn't need to know that (sorry, James!). But I was pretty sure that I don't have any quirks. Do I?? I think that I found one.
*resigned sigh* I hate to admit this. It's gotta be the most irritating thing in the whole wide world.
I change the radio station so often in whatever vehicle I'm driving that I wear the numbers off the buttons. Constantly looking for a good song. When it's over, the hunt is on again. I mean, seriously. How flippin insane is that? The kids have grown up with it so they don't complain. I honestly don't know how Cullen hasn't lost his mind yet.
But that's it.
So this morning Joshy was cracking the eggs for breakfast- he asked how many to do. I said 6. I was on duty right away at work so I was taking care of that and he was doing just fine cracking eggs, and he got to #6. He cracked it, dumped it in. "Uh...mom? Look." And for whatever reason, no warning flag went off in my head. Blood. Blood all over the f*cking bowl, from an egg that was going to be something when it grew up. *TRAUMA!* I threw my hands up and started pacing, "oh no....oh no.....oh no...." which happens to be right when Cullen came home. "What's wrong?" "Oh, no...no. Look. Go look. Oh, no....."
He dumped the bowl for me.
I swear, it's going to require a really big hangover before I can eat an egg again.
*resigned sigh* I hate to admit this. It's gotta be the most irritating thing in the whole wide world.
I change the radio station so often in whatever vehicle I'm driving that I wear the numbers off the buttons. Constantly looking for a good song. When it's over, the hunt is on again. I mean, seriously. How flippin insane is that? The kids have grown up with it so they don't complain. I honestly don't know how Cullen hasn't lost his mind yet.
But that's it.
So this morning Joshy was cracking the eggs for breakfast- he asked how many to do. I said 6. I was on duty right away at work so I was taking care of that and he was doing just fine cracking eggs, and he got to #6. He cracked it, dumped it in. "Uh...mom? Look." And for whatever reason, no warning flag went off in my head. Blood. Blood all over the f*cking bowl, from an egg that was going to be something when it grew up. *TRAUMA!* I threw my hands up and started pacing, "oh no....oh no.....oh no...." which happens to be right when Cullen came home. "What's wrong?" "Oh, no...no. Look. Go look. Oh, no....."
He dumped the bowl for me.
I swear, it's going to require a really big hangover before I can eat an egg again.
What's your biggest struggle?
I don't know what mine is. Other than ME.
Hm. Well, I'll give it a shot.
I think that in general, the most common struggle I have is that I'm impulsive. Sometimes it might not be a bad thing- like when I just can't help but tell someone that I love them or whatever. But when I get upset...yes, yes. Maybe that's my biggest struggle? When I get upset I want to react one way, immediately, and it's very hard to wait my very active mind out til I settle in a place that is okay, where it's okay and safe to respond without causing defensiveness or hurt for me or whoever I'm engaged with. You know? I have to say that I'm getting pretty good at it. You don't even want to know the mess Cullen used to have to deal with, when he got me fresh from the Jason Fiasco. That was...special. HAH!
So that is definitely something I have to dance with. And I get hurt fairly easily and trying to keep myself from spiraling in the hurt, to remember that whoever hurt me either didn't really mean to or that it's just a call for help and/or love on their part. But I'm getting fairly good at that, too.
Maybe it's just most of the time what I think doesn't fit in this world, and so I have to find a balance between what *I* know to be true and what the rest of the world thinks and how they want me to fit while I'm here.
AND let's not forget the fight against myself. The voices that show me every unbeautiful part of me and want that to be the biggest, loudest part, the voices that tell me how I *should* look, feel, act, be. But that part doesn't overwhelm me too much. When it does, it sucks, but it's not too often.
Three Cheers for taking the last of the Eating Disorder by the horns, once again. I'm going to say I have officially tackled it. I can't say that it won't ever mess with my head again, but if I can keep going the way I have been...i'm almost NORMAL! WHOO HOOOOO!!!
Chatty Nicki going away now.
Hm. Well, I'll give it a shot.
I think that in general, the most common struggle I have is that I'm impulsive. Sometimes it might not be a bad thing- like when I just can't help but tell someone that I love them or whatever. But when I get upset...yes, yes. Maybe that's my biggest struggle? When I get upset I want to react one way, immediately, and it's very hard to wait my very active mind out til I settle in a place that is okay, where it's okay and safe to respond without causing defensiveness or hurt for me or whoever I'm engaged with. You know? I have to say that I'm getting pretty good at it. You don't even want to know the mess Cullen used to have to deal with, when he got me fresh from the Jason Fiasco. That was...special. HAH!
So that is definitely something I have to dance with. And I get hurt fairly easily and trying to keep myself from spiraling in the hurt, to remember that whoever hurt me either didn't really mean to or that it's just a call for help and/or love on their part. But I'm getting fairly good at that, too.
Maybe it's just most of the time what I think doesn't fit in this world, and so I have to find a balance between what *I* know to be true and what the rest of the world thinks and how they want me to fit while I'm here.
AND let's not forget the fight against myself. The voices that show me every unbeautiful part of me and want that to be the biggest, loudest part, the voices that tell me how I *should* look, feel, act, be. But that part doesn't overwhelm me too much. When it does, it sucks, but it's not too often.
Three Cheers for taking the last of the Eating Disorder by the horns, once again. I'm going to say I have officially tackled it. I can't say that it won't ever mess with my head again, but if I can keep going the way I have been...i'm almost NORMAL! WHOO HOOOOO!!!
Chatty Nicki going away now.
Blasphemy!!
I totally and completely just threw away perfectly good chocolate. Somewhere, a chocolate fiend just keeled over in extreme pain...maybe even died. *shrug* I'll probably be sorry for what I just did some day, but not right now!
day 4/2
Day 4 of caffeinefreen-ness (mostly...I might have had a dr pepper with Allyssa last night)- my head feels clearer today and I don't feel that desperate feeling I've felt, where I'd do almost anything to ingest enough caffeine to launch me into Nickiland. I'm already there today.
Day 2 of Trying To Show Cullen That He's Important Here- and we have liftoff, I think! After an amazing session last night with my own personal accountant and psychologist (Allyssa)- I presented our ideas to him last night and I think he heard them and can see the beauty in them. I won't launch into details yet since he hasn't decided much of anything one way or another. But he feels like normal Cullen again. He brought some dried ice home from Fed Ex and the kids were all very excited, standing around the sink listening to it bubble and watching it steam and pour over the sink. Here's hopin! Go, Me.
I wonder if I can make Jeff better, too? I have a game plan for next weeks TERRIFICLY ANTICIPATED review. I think. I need to go in there armed with a plan for if and when I get attacked or asked for a plan of just how I'm going to take care of *this*. Of course I'm anticipating him slamming me, and he might not completely slam me. I don't screw up anything HUGE. Nothing unforgiveable, I don't think. It's little things. Not all the time, just when I'm being micromanaged. Today, I think I can deal. I need to get ready to hear anything I might hear next week, and remember that this is all *extra* stuff, it's only what I make it to be, and no matter what he says, *I* know that I'm juggling more than he ever could and I'm doing pretty good, considering. And I'll have to practice opening me up so I can hear him without being hurt by it. Stupid human stuff.
I love my friends to pieces. I can't be thankful enough.......
Day 2 of Trying To Show Cullen That He's Important Here- and we have liftoff, I think! After an amazing session last night with my own personal accountant and psychologist (Allyssa)- I presented our ideas to him last night and I think he heard them and can see the beauty in them. I won't launch into details yet since he hasn't decided much of anything one way or another. But he feels like normal Cullen again. He brought some dried ice home from Fed Ex and the kids were all very excited, standing around the sink listening to it bubble and watching it steam and pour over the sink. Here's hopin! Go, Me.
I wonder if I can make Jeff better, too? I have a game plan for next weeks TERRIFICLY ANTICIPATED review. I think. I need to go in there armed with a plan for if and when I get attacked or asked for a plan of just how I'm going to take care of *this*. Of course I'm anticipating him slamming me, and he might not completely slam me. I don't screw up anything HUGE. Nothing unforgiveable, I don't think. It's little things. Not all the time, just when I'm being micromanaged. Today, I think I can deal. I need to get ready to hear anything I might hear next week, and remember that this is all *extra* stuff, it's only what I make it to be, and no matter what he says, *I* know that I'm juggling more than he ever could and I'm doing pretty good, considering. And I'll have to practice opening me up so I can hear him without being hurt by it. Stupid human stuff.
I love my friends to pieces. I can't be thankful enough.......
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
What I can't do...
I can't be everything to freakin Cullen, everything to the kids, everything at work.
It makes all the sense in the world that of COURSE because Cullen is pulling on me, which we've determined is okay and fair, that WORK will pull on me hard now too.
It breaks me.
It makes me cry.
I can't- CAN'T be that pulled by both of these forces.
It makes me want to run somewhere safe where I'm not being pulled on. I know just where I'd go.
BREAKS ME.
Since I'm broken and crying with frustration over feeling micromanaged, I went ahead and reminded him that it's review time. He says "Yes, I'm working on it now."
Good. Because I could use a little more criticizm over my inability to do fucking everything, all the way right, all the time. And it's even funner when it comes from someone who I can't talk about the "everything else I'm doing" part to. Can't fucking WAIT.
:(
It makes all the sense in the world that of COURSE because Cullen is pulling on me, which we've determined is okay and fair, that WORK will pull on me hard now too.
It breaks me.
It makes me cry.
I can't- CAN'T be that pulled by both of these forces.
It makes me want to run somewhere safe where I'm not being pulled on. I know just where I'd go.
BREAKS ME.
Since I'm broken and crying with frustration over feeling micromanaged, I went ahead and reminded him that it's review time. He says "Yes, I'm working on it now."
Good. Because I could use a little more criticizm over my inability to do fucking everything, all the way right, all the time. And it's even funner when it comes from someone who I can't talk about the "everything else I'm doing" part to. Can't fucking WAIT.
:(
Married...with children
There must be a way, I'm thinking- and I'm RIGHT because I am doing it somewhat, sometimes right now...there must be a way to apply the way that we react to the people we are NOT married to but love dearly, to the people we are married to that we sometimes struggle with. Putting two people together and adding a kid or 4, jobs, a house, bills, etc- those things are bound to take a toll one way or another. It's easy to stop communicating, it's easy to hold a grudge, it's easy to let little thing hurt.
But think about your closest, bestest relationship outside of the one with the person you're with.
Can't I give Cullen the benefit of the doubt, the way I would to anyone else? Can't I stop looking behind me, and assuming that the same patterns are going to come to be, again? Can't I give of myself to him freely, instead of maybe being resentful that I'm in this position to begin with, and making him ASK for it?
He was unemployed for 2 years? Something like that. Felt like forever. The kids got their daddy, alot more than many kids get their daddy. I had help and I appreciated it. We were together alot. Oh it wasn't always fun, of course. Those stupid bills don't stop just because you're squeaking by on one small income. That was stressful like no one's business. I didn't want to be a part of that anymore. So when Danny hooked him up, he hooked him up GOOD- the benefits are amazing, the people he works with have beautiful hearts, and Danny- well, he's one of my favorite people. So am I even allowed to whine about the hours?I do not know. I'm not whining right now, I'm balking because he's getting whiny. heheheh I need to get back to gratefulness. I AM grateful he's working- he has 2 jobs at 2 very solid companies that aren't going anywhere. We are double covered for insurance. Great retirement plans every which way we look. I am thankful for that. He sleeps brokenly. That is hard. If he didn't have the running that takes more time away from us, he'd be a total bear. And it's healthy for his body. There was a time when he drank, smoked, and chewed. And he drank A LOT. And when I asked him to stop smoking and chewing, he did it. He didn't "try", he did it. He is so incredibly strong. He did it for all the right reasons, even when he really wanted some, he didn't. When the gum ran out and we just didn't have money to throw at more (that shit's EXPENSIVE!!!), he didn't even complain. He carried on threw withdrawals that he must have had and he wasn't very moody or anything. He DID IT.
And now, when he's home the little he is, he's usually surrounded by friends and family, and he juggles doing home stuff with family stuff, and I know that at any moment, *I* am number one. THAT is what he doesn't feel. He is NOT number one. He's on my list of things to take care of: Get Cullen Sleep, check. Get Cullen Up, check. Get Cullen Soup, check. You know? Ahhh, clarity. Okay, I can see it all the way better now.
Thank you to my beautiful friends who listen to me blab and help me learn how to be a better person.
But think about your closest, bestest relationship outside of the one with the person you're with.
Can't I give Cullen the benefit of the doubt, the way I would to anyone else? Can't I stop looking behind me, and assuming that the same patterns are going to come to be, again? Can't I give of myself to him freely, instead of maybe being resentful that I'm in this position to begin with, and making him ASK for it?
He was unemployed for 2 years? Something like that. Felt like forever. The kids got their daddy, alot more than many kids get their daddy. I had help and I appreciated it. We were together alot. Oh it wasn't always fun, of course. Those stupid bills don't stop just because you're squeaking by on one small income. That was stressful like no one's business. I didn't want to be a part of that anymore. So when Danny hooked him up, he hooked him up GOOD- the benefits are amazing, the people he works with have beautiful hearts, and Danny- well, he's one of my favorite people. So am I even allowed to whine about the hours?I do not know. I'm not whining right now, I'm balking because he's getting whiny. heheheh I need to get back to gratefulness. I AM grateful he's working- he has 2 jobs at 2 very solid companies that aren't going anywhere. We are double covered for insurance. Great retirement plans every which way we look. I am thankful for that. He sleeps brokenly. That is hard. If he didn't have the running that takes more time away from us, he'd be a total bear. And it's healthy for his body. There was a time when he drank, smoked, and chewed. And he drank A LOT. And when I asked him to stop smoking and chewing, he did it. He didn't "try", he did it. He is so incredibly strong. He did it for all the right reasons, even when he really wanted some, he didn't. When the gum ran out and we just didn't have money to throw at more (that shit's EXPENSIVE!!!), he didn't even complain. He carried on threw withdrawals that he must have had and he wasn't very moody or anything. He DID IT.
And now, when he's home the little he is, he's usually surrounded by friends and family, and he juggles doing home stuff with family stuff, and I know that at any moment, *I* am number one. THAT is what he doesn't feel. He is NOT number one. He's on my list of things to take care of: Get Cullen Sleep, check. Get Cullen Up, check. Get Cullen Soup, check. You know? Ahhh, clarity. Okay, I can see it all the way better now.
Thank you to my beautiful friends who listen to me blab and help me learn how to be a better person.
Okay, here it comes...
There might not be much because I think most of it has gotten out.
I'm pretty sure that I understand that Cullen misses me and needs me. I understand where that needs is coming from. It's unfortunate that to pull off what I have to pull of and have been pulling off for a few years now, I have had to un-need him. Or is it? Maybe it's not so bad. He's still my wonderfully funny, calming friend. We aren't suposed to NEED anything from anyone else, are we? Isn't it the best when we're self sufficient and we come together, bringing more to the table than was there, instead of coming to the table and picking things from the other person off of it, things that we "need" ? I understand the need- the need that is REAL- to reconnect, to feel connected at some level. I get that. Without that, there's nothing keeping anyone where they are. Right? I get that. I get that I have been very, very lazy with being forthcoming for him. I grocery shopped for him ONCE, and even that made me feel like "great, I get to take 4 kids to the store to buy YOU food when you can leave a little early and do it all by yourself." That probably isn't the right attitude, is it? Aren't I suposed to feel the WANT to do that for him? To show him how much I appreciate all the hard work he's doing? Just like I should WANT to take all 4 kids to Farmington to play in the gym for a few hours while I ...watch them (instead of being home and in bed early)? What's my deal? Is this a working mom thing? That I'm around the kids 90% more than I'm around him, so my decisions start coming from my perspective in regard to them instead of him?
In my perspecitve, things were going along just fine. I mean, who gets nooners like he does? We have more sex than people who are together often, probably. And it's good! And although I wasn't excited about staying up late waiting for him to come home, it's been really good to sit with him for awhile before bed. You know? I just need to step up my game. He hates that any change that comes is coming because he "needed" something and asked for it. I spent a lot of time last night asking him to not make it be like that. I had no idea, and the only way for me to know is for him to tell me.
I did get a little loud for a minute. If he wants the band aid off, the band aid that keeps me able to deal with his stupid flippin hours, he can finish pulling it off. I can whine and be a huge pain in the ass about his hours until he does something about it. OR we can find a way to make it 2 more months and then we'll have 3 months of normalcy. I'm going grocery shopping for him today. I've called him twice. I swear to you, I swear, if he whines- it's ON.
That's the one last thing...there is probably a way to have made his requests known that didn't seem so demanding. That didn't help. But I'll just keep trying to see him for him and remember that the rest of this is not REALLY him, is just him missing me, missing the kids.
I GOT THIS.
I'm pretty sure that I understand that Cullen misses me and needs me. I understand where that needs is coming from. It's unfortunate that to pull off what I have to pull of and have been pulling off for a few years now, I have had to un-need him. Or is it? Maybe it's not so bad. He's still my wonderfully funny, calming friend. We aren't suposed to NEED anything from anyone else, are we? Isn't it the best when we're self sufficient and we come together, bringing more to the table than was there, instead of coming to the table and picking things from the other person off of it, things that we "need" ? I understand the need- the need that is REAL- to reconnect, to feel connected at some level. I get that. Without that, there's nothing keeping anyone where they are. Right? I get that. I get that I have been very, very lazy with being forthcoming for him. I grocery shopped for him ONCE, and even that made me feel like "great, I get to take 4 kids to the store to buy YOU food when you can leave a little early and do it all by yourself." That probably isn't the right attitude, is it? Aren't I suposed to feel the WANT to do that for him? To show him how much I appreciate all the hard work he's doing? Just like I should WANT to take all 4 kids to Farmington to play in the gym for a few hours while I ...watch them (instead of being home and in bed early)? What's my deal? Is this a working mom thing? That I'm around the kids 90% more than I'm around him, so my decisions start coming from my perspective in regard to them instead of him?
In my perspecitve, things were going along just fine. I mean, who gets nooners like he does? We have more sex than people who are together often, probably. And it's good! And although I wasn't excited about staying up late waiting for him to come home, it's been really good to sit with him for awhile before bed. You know? I just need to step up my game. He hates that any change that comes is coming because he "needed" something and asked for it. I spent a lot of time last night asking him to not make it be like that. I had no idea, and the only way for me to know is for him to tell me.
I did get a little loud for a minute. If he wants the band aid off, the band aid that keeps me able to deal with his stupid flippin hours, he can finish pulling it off. I can whine and be a huge pain in the ass about his hours until he does something about it. OR we can find a way to make it 2 more months and then we'll have 3 months of normalcy. I'm going grocery shopping for him today. I've called him twice. I swear to you, I swear, if he whines- it's ON.
That's the one last thing...there is probably a way to have made his requests known that didn't seem so demanding. That didn't help. But I'll just keep trying to see him for him and remember that the rest of this is not REALLY him, is just him missing me, missing the kids.
I GOT THIS.
Oh...it's coming!
Get ready for a trip into Nicki's head.
This ain't over, friends.
(leaving was better, he was nicer)
More later.
I gotta own what's mine, but I can't tell what's mine.
This ain't over, friends.
(leaving was better, he was nicer)
More later.
I gotta own what's mine, but I can't tell what's mine.
Trying...
There. I tried. Frozen statue.
Isn't it interesting?
And terribly, terribly sad.
I'm finding my limits, and my limitlessness all at the same time.
I'm finding old things, that have built new things, that fit at the time because they had to.
I'm finding new things, and I think he is too. I think his idea of me is changing. This will all come down to how well I can stop myself from saying very mean, very old things, which is part of how I have gotten to be so good at being independent.
I have stopped complaining about his hours, but I'm going to start again. Do you think it will help? He feels stuck in his hours too, til summer time, but does he need to hear how much I hate this, all the time? Is that it? Do I seem like I'm too good at dealing with it? Maybe I am, but if he wants to rip off my bandaid, he can see it all if he wants. He can see me hating and raging against the stupid hours that force me into messed up routines, and keep us trapped in some psychotic dance of "pay attention to only me, right now."
He's sad that I don't need him, and last night said "don't rely on me" all in the same breath.
TWO MORE MONTHS? Really?
Isn't it interesting?
And terribly, terribly sad.
I'm finding my limits, and my limitlessness all at the same time.
I'm finding old things, that have built new things, that fit at the time because they had to.
I'm finding new things, and I think he is too. I think his idea of me is changing. This will all come down to how well I can stop myself from saying very mean, very old things, which is part of how I have gotten to be so good at being independent.
I have stopped complaining about his hours, but I'm going to start again. Do you think it will help? He feels stuck in his hours too, til summer time, but does he need to hear how much I hate this, all the time? Is that it? Do I seem like I'm too good at dealing with it? Maybe I am, but if he wants to rip off my bandaid, he can see it all if he wants. He can see me hating and raging against the stupid hours that force me into messed up routines, and keep us trapped in some psychotic dance of "pay attention to only me, right now."
He's sad that I don't need him, and last night said "don't rely on me" all in the same breath.
TWO MORE MONTHS? Really?
it's me...and i can't get myself to go away...
One day.
That's how long the up north magic lasted, and it was my fault. I didn't call him at work. It's not that I didn't think of it, but I didn't have anything to say, not taking into account what it would do for him to just hear ANYTHING from home at all.
He vowed not to call me, and I said I'd call him and I didn't. I had nothing to say. He's at work.
Big, Fat, Fail.
Now he's sleeping on the couch and I should be over there with him, but when I just was, he was a stone statue.
2 more months. Any bets on how this goes?
Since I'm so glutton for punishment, I'll go back over there. I'll snuggle up against his chilliness. And hope.
That's how long the up north magic lasted, and it was my fault. I didn't call him at work. It's not that I didn't think of it, but I didn't have anything to say, not taking into account what it would do for him to just hear ANYTHING from home at all.
He vowed not to call me, and I said I'd call him and I didn't. I had nothing to say. He's at work.
Big, Fat, Fail.
Now he's sleeping on the couch and I should be over there with him, but when I just was, he was a stone statue.
2 more months. Any bets on how this goes?
Since I'm so glutton for punishment, I'll go back over there. I'll snuggle up against his chilliness. And hope.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Oh, to be a caffeine free Hayes...
Is this seriously worth it? I can't even think through my head ache...okay, I can, but not about anything that is helping me accomplish the things I "should" be doing right now. Is this worth it? Is my life significantly effected by the caffeine I drink? I need to see what that coffee is doing to me on the inside. Maybe that would help. Thank you to the darling who bought me a Sprite today instead of something deliciously caffeinated though.
Julia is squeezing my bruises...I fell on the rocks. We saw a rock beach, and were only seperated by that silly guard rail along 61, so we did what any fools would do and jumped the guard rail. It was all good until we found out that the rocks contained on that lovely 80 degree angled stoop were LOOSE and NOT SOLID. So we couldn't trust a thing. We played the game we always play "Nicki Follow Cullen"---which works because when I try to look around AND see where I'm suposed to be going NOTHING good happens...and it was all fine, cept he went WAY faster than I did and when he stopped and wanted my hand, I very stupidly said "Ppppsssst. I don't need help. I GOT THIS." and it was right then that the ground gave way and I quickly looked at my options: I could either try out rock surfing, right then and there, or I could sit and risk a big bruise on my left cheek. Can you guess what I did? I didn't rock surf. Well, I did, on my bum. It was a big, beautiful basalt rock, which Lefty became very intimate with very quickly. It only hurt for a millisecond, but it registered this way "Damn. THAT is going to hurt later." And now qualifies as later, and Julia loves my left leg. I never knew that either, until Lefty had a big bruise on it. When she hugs me, she hugs just as close to my nanana as possible and squeezes, and she gets the ole black and blue in there. I whimper, then profess my love for her, before forcing her to disengage.
So anyway-
it was a great weekend, full of all the normal things that us humans go there for...the waves that pound the rocks endlessly, the lake that's gigantic and makes me feel small, the trees that whisper "come climb me and see the world from up here"...big, big hills that my body loves to run up, naps, sleep so deep that I couldn't recall a single dream, food so good that I took forever to eat because I was loving it so much. Cullen was restored by time we got up there, and was able to hold a NORMAL conversation about how hard the end of the year is without being how he was being, Rick and Tina were fantastic and it was HEAVEN.
I did blog my head out in a notebook, because I had to, and now it's in the garbage. :) You're welcome.
Jordan is sleeping, and I am suposed to run up to the boys' school to grab Julia's paperwork and my motivation just ISN'T HERE!!!!!! I haven't eaten a single thing today other than a cookie because nothing even sounds good. Yes, I am this big of a loser having withdrawals.
I'm all right though. I'm just a dramatic Leo. I had a perfectly delightful "lunch" time, which I spent not eating food, and all is well, and I can go to bed early...and I'll stop now.
How many more days til it stop hurting so much?!?
Julia is squeezing my bruises...I fell on the rocks. We saw a rock beach, and were only seperated by that silly guard rail along 61, so we did what any fools would do and jumped the guard rail. It was all good until we found out that the rocks contained on that lovely 80 degree angled stoop were LOOSE and NOT SOLID. So we couldn't trust a thing. We played the game we always play "Nicki Follow Cullen"---which works because when I try to look around AND see where I'm suposed to be going NOTHING good happens...and it was all fine, cept he went WAY faster than I did and when he stopped and wanted my hand, I very stupidly said "Ppppsssst. I don't need help. I GOT THIS." and it was right then that the ground gave way and I quickly looked at my options: I could either try out rock surfing, right then and there, or I could sit and risk a big bruise on my left cheek. Can you guess what I did? I didn't rock surf. Well, I did, on my bum. It was a big, beautiful basalt rock, which Lefty became very intimate with very quickly. It only hurt for a millisecond, but it registered this way "Damn. THAT is going to hurt later." And now qualifies as later, and Julia loves my left leg. I never knew that either, until Lefty had a big bruise on it. When she hugs me, she hugs just as close to my nanana as possible and squeezes, and she gets the ole black and blue in there. I whimper, then profess my love for her, before forcing her to disengage.
So anyway-
it was a great weekend, full of all the normal things that us humans go there for...the waves that pound the rocks endlessly, the lake that's gigantic and makes me feel small, the trees that whisper "come climb me and see the world from up here"...big, big hills that my body loves to run up, naps, sleep so deep that I couldn't recall a single dream, food so good that I took forever to eat because I was loving it so much. Cullen was restored by time we got up there, and was able to hold a NORMAL conversation about how hard the end of the year is without being how he was being, Rick and Tina were fantastic and it was HEAVEN.
I did blog my head out in a notebook, because I had to, and now it's in the garbage. :) You're welcome.
Jordan is sleeping, and I am suposed to run up to the boys' school to grab Julia's paperwork and my motivation just ISN'T HERE!!!!!! I haven't eaten a single thing today other than a cookie because nothing even sounds good. Yes, I am this big of a loser having withdrawals.
I'm all right though. I'm just a dramatic Leo. I had a perfectly delightful "lunch" time, which I spent not eating food, and all is well, and I can go to bed early...and I'll stop now.
How many more days til it stop hurting so much?!?
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Today...
I love today.
I just talked to my darling husband.
Can't read him.
He's tired.
He's been working since 1:30am or so. Up since then anyway.
Here's freaking hoping!
I just talked to my darling husband.
Can't read him.
He's tired.
He's been working since 1:30am or so. Up since then anyway.
Here's freaking hoping!
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