Happy Saturday! The sun is out, Neil is singing to me, Michelle and Payten are coming with to Menards or Home Depot...whichever one I get pushed into going to. The basement is clean, the kids' rooms are clean, and the yard is totally ready for me to RAKE IT! What could be better?
I can feel my body getting stronger. I can feel CJ blowing on my head. He looks mag with his new hair cut. Blowing in my face. They want me to sing to them, obviously. *PAUSE FOR KAROKE MOMENT* WOW, that was good for me. I'm probably scarring them for life, but it was good for me. CJ wants me to sing to him some more. .....no i dont.
Anyways.
I'm feeling better than I was a couple of days ago when I was feeling antsy and uneffective. Cullen, who is so super smart and knows just what to say and do when I'm melting down about that, reminded me that I'm not here to fix everything. I can do what I can do and I don't get to see the ripples til later. That made me feel better. I don't need to fix anything. Giving love is big and it's real and it heals and it helps.
What do you supose it means that I just put on Selena Gomez..of my own will? Julia isn't even down here, dictating who we should listen to.
Danny and Deb are coming over tonight. I love them. I can't wait. I don't even know what we laugh about, but at some point, I am usually in tears laughing. SOBER! I haven't seen them in well over a month. I can't wait!
We're playing blind bocce ball for the Olympics. I'm going to need to make our team flag soon. Mike is going to do a commercial for GO! Girl, and throw in a free vaginal cuff. I'm going to propose that I get to be in that commercial, I can be an unpaid actual user of said vaginal cuff. I'll rave about it. HEHEHEHEH!
ADD- OFF.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Maybe if I cut off my arm...
It is moments like this one that make me wonder what planet I'm from. And how much longer I have to stay here. I don't FIT anywhere. Inside of me grows this out of control feeling THING. This THING. I can't name it. It grows and grows. I feel like I need something. I feel like I'm suffocating and dying for some air. This is what makes me DO things. I seriously sit here by myself and cry sometimes, because I have this NEED that is never really satisfied. The nibbles I feed it keep it at bay. When will anything ever be enough? Can I wait til November 8th? What can I possibly do in the mean time to feed this?
It's one of those teary _I-need-to-do-SOMETHING days.
Maybe I can write it out of me? Maybe I can make up a story? Maybe this needy feeling inside has to do with creating something?
UGH. See? I know. I don't understand myself, how can anyone else understand me. I hate feeling this alone when really I'm not alone, but I can't understand, or even articulate what goes on inside of me. And I can't find anything that will TOUCH what goes on inside of me. It's BEGGING to be touched. What will touch it? I search, I search, I search. I look at art and feel touched, but it almost makes it worse, somehow. Maybe I want someone to stand next to me and feel the same thing. How stupid is THAT? What would THAT accomplish?
I can't DO enough things. I can't BE effective enough. I can do these little tiny things that don't ever solve anything. Nothing is solved. Nothing was solved by raising money for children's cancer research. I mean, MY experience was bigger than the money I raised. My baldness. Nothing was solved by my food drive, or the drive for the crisis nursery. I know all of those things "help" but nothing changes really. I can't CHANGE anything. Is that why I feel frustrated? Is that where this comes from? That I love so enormously but I feel like I can't CHANGE anything? I have no flippin idea.
At least Bono writes songs for me. I STILL haven't found what I'm looking for.
It's one of those teary _I-need-to-do-SOMETHING days.
Maybe I can write it out of me? Maybe I can make up a story? Maybe this needy feeling inside has to do with creating something?
UGH. See? I know. I don't understand myself, how can anyone else understand me. I hate feeling this alone when really I'm not alone, but I can't understand, or even articulate what goes on inside of me. And I can't find anything that will TOUCH what goes on inside of me. It's BEGGING to be touched. What will touch it? I search, I search, I search. I look at art and feel touched, but it almost makes it worse, somehow. Maybe I want someone to stand next to me and feel the same thing. How stupid is THAT? What would THAT accomplish?
I can't DO enough things. I can't BE effective enough. I can do these little tiny things that don't ever solve anything. Nothing is solved. Nothing was solved by raising money for children's cancer research. I mean, MY experience was bigger than the money I raised. My baldness. Nothing was solved by my food drive, or the drive for the crisis nursery. I know all of those things "help" but nothing changes really. I can't CHANGE anything. Is that why I feel frustrated? Is that where this comes from? That I love so enormously but I feel like I can't CHANGE anything? I have no flippin idea.
At least Bono writes songs for me. I STILL haven't found what I'm looking for.
Flying high, laying low
Here I am. It's Thursday, I found out. Thursday already. I just started the week a minute ago and it's Thursday. Sometimes that makes me happy, and sometimes I find myself wishing time had a handle so I could hold on to things just a little bit longer.
We are into our new routine now, in a new house, with a new body, and an ever changing mind. I have been learning, learning, learning so much, SO much, and it turns out that I am even more incredible than I originally thought! Can you even believe it? HAHA- but truly, we all are. We are all magnificent, creative people, and I am having so much fun creating.
Our house- is a very, very, very fine house. NAME THAT ARTIST! We have room to spread out and I couldn't be happier. I look back over the past few years, and once again, I am amazed to see how we were creating, even then, and how we just keep doing it. I really wanted to see what it was like to live in a townhouse, and my ever accomodating husband allowed us to have that experience. I loved it. LOVED IT! I am so thankful that we got to do that! And now we are here, in Bloomington. Most people- mostly the ones who help us move every year or two, are hoping that we are settled now, at least for a few years. And I think that we are. My darling would still like to BUY a house, but you know me- the happiest little renter that ever did live. : )
I am trying to decide if I'm now comfortable here or if my thyroid is jacked from the surgery. I feel like an enormous slug in the mornings and at night. The mornings are usually my favorite time of day. I've never been a night owl, but the sleepies hit me at 8pm, and THAT is not normal. Guess I just need to make an appt and go do it. Slug! The espresso is not helping me too much. Maybe I'll get off of here and go find the nearest clinic and make a stupid flippin appt. I'M TIRED OF DOCTORS! : )
However- speaking of- i should let you know that I am no longer Surgery Girl, or even Recovery Girl! It's been 9 weeks and I feel more amazing, in general, than I have in YEARS. That was the best surgery EVER EVER EVER!!!!! YAY ME!
Fine...off to find the stupid dr. BLECH.
We are into our new routine now, in a new house, with a new body, and an ever changing mind. I have been learning, learning, learning so much, SO much, and it turns out that I am even more incredible than I originally thought! Can you even believe it? HAHA- but truly, we all are. We are all magnificent, creative people, and I am having so much fun creating.
Our house- is a very, very, very fine house. NAME THAT ARTIST! We have room to spread out and I couldn't be happier. I look back over the past few years, and once again, I am amazed to see how we were creating, even then, and how we just keep doing it. I really wanted to see what it was like to live in a townhouse, and my ever accomodating husband allowed us to have that experience. I loved it. LOVED IT! I am so thankful that we got to do that! And now we are here, in Bloomington. Most people- mostly the ones who help us move every year or two, are hoping that we are settled now, at least for a few years. And I think that we are. My darling would still like to BUY a house, but you know me- the happiest little renter that ever did live. : )
I am trying to decide if I'm now comfortable here or if my thyroid is jacked from the surgery. I feel like an enormous slug in the mornings and at night. The mornings are usually my favorite time of day. I've never been a night owl, but the sleepies hit me at 8pm, and THAT is not normal. Guess I just need to make an appt and go do it. Slug! The espresso is not helping me too much. Maybe I'll get off of here and go find the nearest clinic and make a stupid flippin appt. I'M TIRED OF DOCTORS! : )
However- speaking of- i should let you know that I am no longer Surgery Girl, or even Recovery Girl! It's been 9 weeks and I feel more amazing, in general, than I have in YEARS. That was the best surgery EVER EVER EVER!!!!! YAY ME!
Fine...off to find the stupid dr. BLECH.
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