And hereeee I am!!!

I'm free! I'm free! I'm free from all the emotionalness and crap that I was going through!
Here it is from the beginning: My Magical Hysterctomy

We got to the hospital and I was, of course, a nervous wreck. Something about being in the hospital did help, at least I was there and it would only be a matter of time and I'd be waking up and it would be OVER. One of my pre op nurses just had one in May and we talked about that, and it helped me alot! ALOT! Another pre op nurse remembered me from my numerous trips there and asked if she knew me. She was one of 3 people that did that, haha.
Lisa, my bff (anestesiologist--SPELLING!) , hit me w/something on the trip to the OR which was fabulous and I enjoyed it immensely. I remember scooting onto the OR bed and then it was lights out.
When I woke up, I was NOT horrified by the fact that my uterus was gone. I had been nervous about that, but there was none of that. I was still fuzzy enough to not really be in pain, but I did have my hand on my tummy so some of it was registering. They give you an hour or so to pull your head outta your butt, and then Clint came to wheel me up to my room. I was still fuzzy and blame my idiocy on that, but I made him run my bed out of the OR and I held my arms up like I was on a roller coaster. We got into the elevator and he asked if he knew me too. Funny enough, we hung out in the bathroom when I was there for my last d&c. :) Friends all over the place, huh? Cullen thinks that my unusually large amount of dorkiness reminds people that they've dealt with me before. *eyeroll* He was horrified that I made so many hospital staff say UTERUSLESSNESS. hehe
When the meds finally wore off, I felt like I'd been hit by a semi. I was completely unprepared for the pain- COMPLETELY. I'm a tough girl and giving birth didn't faze me, and d&c's don't faze me, so I didn't think this really would either. I was so very surprised. Thank GOD for vicodin. The nurses were all fabulous. When i started hurting, they'd descend on me with pills and a shot of sumpin in the IV. Getting up to pee was murder and it was pretty nasty a couple of time and horrified me, but I made it. Eventually I learned to plug and unplug my leg massagers up by myself without dying. :)
Joanie, one of my other post op nurses, had her hyst 6 years ago so we discussed that a bit too and I just felt in good company. Tuesday morning Carrie, my brother in law's sister, who I just KNEW I'd get to see, came in. She was my nurse and it was fabulous to have yet one more familiar face around. Doc came in, said I gave it up easily, take it easy, blah blah blah and that was that.
So I've been recovering. The grossest part, for me, is feeling so bruised everywhere inside. There are stitches everywhere in there and knowing that horrifies me. I hate girl parts anyway and *full body shiver*. I can barely stand to think about the "vaginal cuff" he made to close up the gaping black hole. VOMIT! I don't hurt nearly as much now, but sitting is uncomfy and I can just feel...stuff. Sometimes my ovaries feel like they are on fire. I am hoping they are trying to wake up abnormally fast after this surgery, but I'll guess not since I am still having mini hot flashes and bouts of emotional craziness much like after a baby is born.
I feel amazing. I love my body even more now than I did, just because it's magic and healing and I feel like I'm watching a miracle in progress that I am not a part of. I am NOT my body. I am still me. I don't feel like I threw my babies away. I don't feel like I can't have more kids because my uterus is gone, I feel like I can't have more kids because I got my husband snipped because I'd rather have hot pokers in my eyes than go through another pregnancy and newborn stuff. I feel like I released the surrogacy stuff, and just ...everything. I feel free. I love this.
YAY ME!

The Night Before...

It's finally freaking here. I've been waiting for a long time.

I really believe that I am on earth for one reason, just one. I'm here to experience everything I can get my hands on. I want to feel everything, and not just feel it, but FEEL IT. And I so do that, don't I? There are things that I don't want to experience, but this is a good one. I had no idea I had so many feelings about my uterus. I got to re-feel alot of things. I remembered with my heart and tears trying to have babies, losing babies....negative pregnancy tests, postive tests...growing babies, giving birth, d&c's....Oh, My GOD, there is no way to put into words the emotions surrounding my uterus.
I'm ready to let go (tears running down my face). There's no proper way to thank my body for allowing me everything I have gotten to experience.
SIGH.
Oh I can't wait to be on the other side. I can't even shut my head up to do a proper post. UGH.

Anticipation

I swear that I have a good grip on this stupid surgery. I want it. I know my life will be better after it. So why, why, WHY am I the most emotional stupid girl in the world?! It's ridiculous. EVERYTHING makes me cry. It feels like the world's worst case of PMS. Shopping for some cute jams just in case I actually want to wear them in the hospital made me cry. I had to hide in a dressing room and get a grip. I couldn't walk by the baby clothes even though I don't want a baby, just because it reminded me of all the work my uterus has done for me. STUPID! Today at Valleyfair we stood in line for 1.5 hours to find out that Josh wasn't tall enough even though he went on all the other 48" tall rides, and I teared up. Everytime I get annoyed, I cry. I can't STAND THIS!!!!!! I am so annoying.SIGH.