It's almost over...

For some reason, the end of a year makes me feel a little bit sad. I probably wouldn't feel sad if we didn't take notice of it, but it's just another reminder that time is flying and I can't hold on to the things that I really want to.
It's so interesting how much can happen in a year, and how it seems like it took a really long time, at the time, but how little time has passed.
The funnest thing for me personally in 2009 was that all of the sudden, my children were "easier". Jordan got potty trained fully and I got to stop hauling a diaper bag with me everywhere. He wants to keep up with his brothers and sister so the stroller wasn't necessary all the time. He stopped napping and there was such a relief. Where once I thought I'd die without nap time, now I felt a freedom of being able to carry on all day, AND have kids who passed out at night. I felt like me again for the first time since having kids, and it has been wonderful.
I went to Chattanooga, TN for work. I'm the last person in our department to go because I've always had little babies and they wouldn't make me travel during that time. I was gone for 26 hours, and in that 26 hours Jordan fell from the 2nd story window at home. Unbruised, unbroken, but Cullen was scared out of his mind. Jordan is a ball and I'm so thankful that he is!
Cullen's uncle passed away. He represents the idea of donating a kidney. It is so sad that he passed away, he was so wonderful to so many. He was the oldest of 14 kids. 15? But his legacy lives on. If I am blessed enough, I will get to help save someone from dialysis, and their life ending early. THANK YOU JOHNNY!!!!! Thank you for being that example. I'm sorry for every hour dialysis stole from you, I'm sorry for all the poking, all the pain, all the other things that occurred from your kidney's failing. I'm relieved you are free now, and well, and please bless this process I'm going through.
I had a surgery that I was very emotional about beforehand, and very unemotional about afterwards. I was astounded to find that I didn't feel a loss at all, and now I just plain ole REVEL in not having my period, or cramps, or any of that non sense. I LOVE IT. I feel amazing, and I love, love, love it! I learned what recovery after a major surgery is like, and I'm not looking forward to the next one at all. Esp because it's clear that Cullen will not be a part of it, so I'm on my own asking for help, and can I tell you how NOT FUN that is, when this is something I'm "doing to myself unnecessarily"? When the consensus amoung the people who love me most is that I'm purposely taking time away from my family when i don't have to? NOT FUN. Oh well. Angels surround me and I am positive that help will arrive in the least expected ways!
Then I learned that labor pains aren't that bad afterall, when my gall bladder freaked out. Holy hell. That was a nightmare and I want to throw up thinking about it. Thank God I'll never have that issue again either. heheheheheheh
I have a new boss, who i'm learning is very ...thorough. Which reminds me...I have my report to send off. My new boss was my friend back when I was miscarrying repeatedly, and I am so thankful for the way his friendship helped carry my broken heart back then. I can still see HIM sometimes when I'm talking to him, instead of BOSS MAN. Instead of BY THE RULES, I can still see FUN HIM in there, and it's so good. He still has a really good heart.
Cullen's mom is still here, which is a bigger miracle than I have words for.
I've picked up a new friend or two via my brother in law dating. I think his point is to find me friends. : ) Then he breaks up with them and goes and fetches me another. : ) hehe
We moved into a house we love. This one might keep me here for awhile. Cullen wants to buy it someday. I'm just happy that he's happy to keep renting because that's what I really want to do. : )
Over all, I'm still ass backwards in my wants and needs compared to the masses but I still don't really care. I'm not alone. I know other people who think like I do. Look out if we all ever group together and decide to fix a thing. Til then, I'll just hope that the kidney donation will kill the need in me to DO SOMETHING for a little while, and I can hope for clarity on maybe a certain avenue that I can do good for, and stick with one thing, ya know? So far nothing has grabbed me and made me want to keep doing MORE and MORE for one cause.
We'll see.
Okay, I'm over the year. Let's get 2010 here.

Ahhhh....

It's actually helpful when all 4 are home, believe it or not. They are all playing. They have to make it for 15 more minutes, then I will be able to come up there and hang out for a bit.
It's like...vacation!
I have all the Christmas stuff down. I intend to scrub the little that's still up there, but I'm running out of OOMPH. I might have to grab a kid and snuggle on the couch and catch a minute instead.
I want to decide how to do Christmas next year. I'm over the commercialism of it. I'm tired of not feeling like I do well enough by them. They have enough. They get enough stuff. Maybe home made gifts, or taking a vacation instead of getting all the toys that either break or get thrown away due to lost pieces? I don't know yet. I'm glad I have a year to think about how to do this better, for everyone.
My baby predicting streak continues. I think I'm up to 12 babies that I've clearly seen now, and I'm just..>RIGHT. I have a new one, and I can see it's a girl, for Doreen. I can't wait to see if I'm right on her, also. February will be huge, because Allyssa should be pregnant by then with her girl, too! And I'll have surgery, with the recipient being an older man, funny, funny man with the sweetest family ever. I can't wait to meet them! PS---- i don't really know if that's who will get it, that's just who I see when I "look". Crazy Nicki. I know.
Okay. Scatterbrain off. More later!

HA!

Just for the record, I was laughed at SHAMELESSLY by everyone who came over (cept for my mom, bless her heart!) Christmas eve, and then again on Christmas, for my ADORABLE Christmas sweater that I was so excited to have. But, see? That was why I wore it again, to prove how much I just don't care what they say. It would NOT win the ugly sweater contest. No way. It's too cute.

SO THERE!

I feel abundant, and I feel like stripping everything down to the bare essentials and saving everything else up for...something. Like that couple in Chicago. I can't QUITE do that, with 4 kids, but I'm going to see what I (we) can do without. And what we can do better. Like eating.

I love my Cullen. He has the sweetest heart in the world. He does so well, he really does- here I am, making us do this, that or the other, I have sugery after surgery, and I know he worries but he doesn't talk about it. But I caught him, the other day...I caught him feeling so very, very sad for me. He didn't know I saw him, but the look on his face was just so sad. He was so thrilled for me when he found out there was no reason for the sadness. He couldn't wait to tell me. It's rare that I get to see that part of him, he doesn't show me that so often.

Okay. Still hungry and still much to do to take Christmas down and wrap presents and get the kids ready to go. BIG LOVE!

I roll in miracles

I do, I do!
What I should have done is write it down everytime I wished for something to come to me and then it did, because it happens all the time. It just happened again. It's just a "small" thing, but it's a thing none the less, and who is to judge the size of a miracle? My heart is singing. Ready to be reminded of what a dork I am?
I want a Christmas sweater. One of the cheesy/cute (depending on who you are) sweaters. I used to have one, and now I don't, and haven't, and I wished for one. I almost even went to Kohls to get one. But who has time for that? No, I was at Cub Foods with the rest of Bloomington.
So, I let it go.
Until just now, when what arrived to me? My Christmas sweater. It's absolutely PERFECT. Cullen thinks it's UGLY, which means it's cute! His COWORKER (who I am really beginning to adore) gave it to me for Christmas. Isn't that the best? I wished for it, and it is so! YAY ME!!!
The end.

Can I always blame PMS since I have no idea anymore?

Okay, great. I'm premenstrual. : )
For the record, in case I sound like I'm always feeling like I am right now, I'm not. But when I am, it needs out. Sorry for bleching all over you. And honestly, I LITERALLY (sad, I probably shouldn't admit that!) work up this morning singing THIS LIL LIGHT OF MINE...I'M GOING TO LET IT SHINE.. and I smiled my way into the kitchen and the day began.
We got to drop the kids off today to go shopping, which is always a treat. I don't get to go out with Cullen a whole lot. I think my sad feeling started when we grabbed a bite to eat....I was reminded of his mom, when she was healthy (she seemed great today, by the way. She'll have a surgery date tomorrow and then we'll be able to plan the week.) which made me think of how different this year will be for Christmas. I still believe it to be a good thing that we'll have a "different" Christmas while she is still alive, but I just felt sad. I actually premenstrually teared up right there in public over it. It surprised me.
Then we went shopping, which was a blast. But it is so hard to buy for grown up people, and I started to feel sad again. I thought of my Suzanne, who has gifts for people piled up all around her house, and thought of Jane and how she used to do that same thing, and I felt sad because we don't have oodles and oodles of money to spend on gifts for people. I have 4 kids and they cost alot, alot of the time. The people at the grocery store know me I'm there so often. *Sigh*
So we went to mom's, and at some point there I remembered that I'm such an idiot that I did what I ALWAYS do when I'm scared of upsetting my mommy. I EMAILED her about my kidney stuff going forward. I know it isn't the first time she's heard about it but honestly...as a mother I would lay down and beg my kids to keep their kidney, and so maybe she feels that way too? I don't know. I'm still moving forward but I understand if she doesn't like what I'm doing. Anyways, I remembered that, and I wanted to find a way to bring it up, but I was too scared and so I didn't. Minus another 500 points for me. I left feeling sad again.
THEN after a delightful evening with my babies, they went to bed and I needed to wrap some presents. This is always left to me, and it does the same thing to me every single year. It makes me cry. Because then I have to see what we've bought and it never ever feels like enough and I feel like people probably hate when we get their name because we don't buy them enough stuff. Is that the stupidest thing you've ever heard? Of course it is, and even typing it, I know it's stupid and I STILL FEEL THAT WAY. To make matters worse is that I really am not great at wrapping presents. It's my own fault. I've always envied the people who make their packages gorgeous-- but the part that's my fault comes in there...I think wrapping presents is one of the most wasteful things we do. It's in the garbage a minute later. And therefore, I prevent myself from really putting a ton of effort into it. Again, minus another 500 points. My kids would probably love for me to deck the gifts out, but for 8 years I've watched BOXES be a bigger hit than the gift, and the crumpled up wrapping paper be more fun than admiring the present. I SUCK.
We received a turkey from our neighbors. Isn't that sweet? I want to make it for Christmas eve, which is where the next to last self esteem shattering moment came in. I've done a turkey ONE TIME. Once. I had to drink in order to be able to touch it at all. It was nasty and horrifying, and then we wrecked the thing in the deep fryer. Fantastic. I SUCK. I totally, and completely suck.
THEN...since I was on such a great roll of counting all the ways that I am pathetic and don't deserve the position I'm in, I realized that for as much as I'm different than I was a million years ago, I am still the same. I'm the same me as I was, in ways that I don't want to be the same. I obviously have the ability to change that, but I don't know HOW. I'm sure I will produce an opportunity just by talking about it. *hangs head in shame*
Last night was fun, just to throw in a happy. We had Cullen's work party at Dan and Deb's. I got to meet all the people that I hear gossip about all the time, and it was a BLAST to put names to faces. We had such a good time. Then we came home and Kimmy, Travis, Em and Brian were over, and we played cards til 1am. It was pretty funny because we were all sober (that never happens!) and we were all yawning and ready to pass out. For some reason, we just kept playing. We don't get to do that as much lately and maybe they felt the same way, like just...staying. I loved it. I love them to pieces. Back to my pity party....
I am overwhelmed by everything left to do, the unknowns of Cullen's mom's surgery, and my own suckiness. I'm going to go wallow in it some more.

Food Whore Here...

Starving.
What will the delivery guy think?
He comes to the door, and I open it. I'm in my jammies, which is not exciting. We're talking some seriously pink flannel going on here. I thew a sweat shirt on over it just so I don't look like some overgrown pathetic little kid wannabe. Now I just look like a large, lonely lady who is about to make out HARDCORE with the pizza he's delivering. YUM.

Has anyone ever changed their clothes for the delivery person?

Well, I'm not going to. I'm going to go sit on the couch and wait impatiently.

Case in point:

I look forward to my new best friend, Mr/Miss Delivery Person, arriving soon with my pizza. YUM!

January 12!

YAY!!!! I have a date! I have a date! I have a date!!!! January 12th! 7:30am, U of M Fairiew. If I'm a good girl, I can be out of there by 2-ish. I don't have the very detailed information yet, because the nurse who is sending me the info will be out of town next week, and she wants to be the one to do the info herself, which is so okay, I'm just happy to have a DATE!
I feel like surgery could be in February. Wouldn't that be a kick? That HAS to be worth SOMETHING....3 organs gone in 6 months?! HAHAHAHAH! It's incredible to me.
Because I want my kidneys, and hopefully KIDNEY to be in as good as shape as possible, I have stopped drinking coffee altogether (boo hooo) and I haven't had much soda either. Maybe 8 oz in 4 weeks? I'm on water and tea....boring, decaffeinated tea. :) and Green tea. I have had red meat 2 times in the past month. I'm trying to eat well. I'm getting enough fiber to kill everyone in this room if they aren't careful. I want happy kidneys that don't have to work extra hard to process what I put in. Can you even believe the shit they put up with? OMG! Take alcohol...first of all, it's a nightmare to our livers, like smoking is to our lungs. And our kidneys take it, too. All the processed nastiness, drinking, fatty nasty stuff we do to ourselves. I have so incredibly far to go, but I am learning, quickly, that I actually feel better when I eat better. But the problem is if I get too hungry, it's all over. Then I eat whatever is here, ice cream, candy or anything else. SOOOOO FAR TOOO GOOOOOOOO. So much to learn.
I'm starving, by the way. I didn't eat dinner because I didn't cook dinner. So now I will have to go try to make a good choice. Like a pb+j. That just screams HEALTH. I still haven't started working. And I haven't cleaned the carpet, which DESPERATELY needs it. I haven't done the recycling, or put the wash into the dryer. I didn't run the hose on the rink. I didn't let the kids watch all of Madagascar.
OMG...my cute babies. I made them start getting ready for bed at 7:30, and CJ and Josh totally took it upon themselves to move Jordan's bed out of his room and into Julia's room. I didn't do a thing. They did it. It was the coolest thing EVER to watch. They did it because they knew they'd get to come down here and stay up reading and doing learning time, and they are kind enough to not tell that to my two younger kids who fall right off to sleep at bedtime but would want to stay up if they knew....but CJ and Josh wanted them to have something fun too. I love my cute babies!!!!
January 12th! You can look forward (hahha) to a detailed post all about the fun I'll have. Blackburn- I'll have to redo a psychological test like we had to do for the surrogacy program. CAN'T WAIT. Those 600 questions are a GOOD TIME! And I'll have to do a 24 hour urine collection too. The kids will LOVE that. : )
YAY ME! YAY ME! YAY ME!

Oh, to be a Hayes

Well, my Janie isn't so good. Talking about it really solves nothing...they gave her 5 years, and that was 8 years ago. We've been lucky. We're blessed, really...she didn't pass away when she was still in peak form...that probably sound stupid but in a way that blow would have really, really...it all sucks. But we've watched her deteriorate. We see that she is not what she was, how she was. It isn't FUN for her. Being out of her body is going to be the best day of her life! To be FREE! To be able to be as expansive as she is! To fly! To be free of pain! To be able to FLY AGAIN! Oh, oh! It almost makes me WANT it for her, to talk of it. And then I remember that here I am, here we are...in the midst of another scare and I remember that letting go is hard.
She isn't well, and her options blow. Her ONLY option is a pacemaker, which they haven't wanted to do because the risks were too great, and here we sit, it's the ONLY option left, and not a soul is excited about it. She'll have to stop her blood thinners, and surgery will be asap. Christmas week, she's having surgery and she just has to make it.
Will this be our first Christmas "different"? Will we not be gathered there together in the morning, eating the best eggbake and caramel rolls in existance? Opening gifts, laughing, being together? Who knows...she's not to get her heart rate up, and there was lots of company there tonight.
Which also reminded me right quick my 2nd heartache when she is sickly. When it's bad, her family gathers around. But I am here, my husband is at work or with his family (not us, his blood family), and I am here with the kids. I don't get updates, I don't get to know what's going on, and that's just how it is...I get left out because I need to take care of the kids. My parents, whom I love and owe more than I can ever repay, help me sometimes when the missing her gets too bad and I want to go see her for myself...they help me out. But suddenly, I fade into the backround, because she is "only" my mother in law, and her children need to be there. Cept Em gets to be there when she's in the hospital because she works there, and Travis has his kids every other week, so he's free every other week... it really sucks. BUT! But I am blessed because I have my darling friends who won't mind holding my heart while I cry by myself, here at home, and I have my darling friends who will listen to me bitch and whine about being left out and how misearable it is to have to fade to give everyone else "more important" their space. That's MY Janie. She is my FRIEND. She says she hates talking on the phone but we kill some time on that thing together. Since she's been less well, I haven't been there as much since the kids are my duty and they are loud, and dirty and she just is so tired all the time, but that's MY JANIE! I clean that kitchen. The floor! The cabinets! THe fridge! I used to love to super clean their house for them when they were out. And hide love notes around the house. That's MY JANIE TOO!
Ah, well. This is the ride. It is what it is, and we're...well, on it. I should remember to focus on how free she will be someday, and keep hoping that she can see one more Christmas.
My heart is really broken for Kimmy most of all. Cullen is extremely close to him Mom too, but Kim is her only daughter, newly pregnant, the owner of the house they live in, and she's broken hearted and scared a hundred different ways and for reasons that I (we) can't make better. Nothing anyone can say can help. How can you make it better when you realize that your mom is most likely not going to be in her physical body when your baby is born...
Maybe that's part of it too...part of what hurts is that I can cope...I'm crying as I type, but I will cope, as will everyone else, but there's just not a thing I can say or do to make anything better for anyone. The missing is going to descend on us like the heaviest weight ever, blanketing us in blackness for awhile, and all we can do is hold hands and cry together. That's miserable. And that's not mentioning the snow ball that is going to start rolling when at some point she does go. There's a snowball waiting for a push down the hill, just waiting, and it's not going to be good.
Ouch.

Cathy

Okay, so I'm not working out yet. I love this girl and I'm going to tell you about her.
She is married to Cullen's cousin Eric. Eric is a HOOT. So is Cathy. I love this girl!!!! We clicked right away when I met her years and years ago. I have never gotten to hang out with her nearly enough, but someone lately have been able to see her more often.
We are married into a GINORMOUS family. Our inlaws are a part of a family with 15 kids. There are Hayeses all over kindom come. Each year, The Siblings, as us kids call them, put together the Hayes Christmas Party.
They are all getting older, and it was getting harder, and they were wishing not to do it anymore. Cathy wouldn't hear of that. I'm usually game for anything, and she wanted to take it over, and so we did. Grampa Hayes had passed away, and his children missed him dearly, and things just weren't the same....so we stepped up. Uncle Johnny (who needed a kidney, but had too many other health issue to receive on...and passes away not a year ago), who is the oldest of The Siblings gave us his blessing on taking the torch.
We did it! It was alot of work, and alot of fun, and I'm blown away that they did ALL THAT, plust MORE. We did it the EASY way....pot luck...they usually had the meals delivered or they put them on themselves!
Anyway, Cathy was all about not letting it go. So we also did a thing in the summer, a Hayes get together.
She has a gigantic heart! She gives of herself and her attitude is "Well...why wouldn't I?" She jumped in for the breakfast at the shelter, having to drive a good distance to show up at 6am, she donated a load of toys when she realized how much her kids had waiting for them, she's just GOOD. And I love her to pieces. She cracks me up, and Lord knows we understand eachother, being married to the same family. She has the most precious girls. I again am grateful to facebook because I get to chat with her more than I ever have.
I <3 CATHY!!!! We're stuck in this together, girl! OH! I mean, we get to enjoy this ride together, girl! <----- hahahahhah! I crack me up!!!!!

HOPE

Right now there is someone out there....they are probably hooked up to dialysis right now. BEST case scenario is that they ONLY have to do it 3 times a week, for 3 hours a time. That's as good as it gets with dialysis. Can you imagine? And guess what? They still don't feel that good. Dialysis "works" but it is no where near as good as a kidney. Their blood isn't as clean as when a kidney does the job. How disruptive is that to life? And that's assuming that you've got it "easy". Have you ever known someone who has had to do dialysis? It's not an easy job, and their poor veins really go through it, being poked so often. All that time and effort, to still not feel well.
Maybe they aren't playing with their kids because they don't feel good? Maybe they don't get to do their weekly bowling anymore because it falls on a dialysis night. Maybe their job is suffering from not feeling well. Maybe they are being as strong as they can, because not only are THEY effected, but their ENTIRE FAMILY is. God knows that most of them have gone to see if they are a match, only to find out they aren't. The guilt on both sides, the people wanting desperately to help, and the soul who would never dream of ASKING someone for a kidney, but praying that they will receive one.
Not to mention what being on that list is like. They are near the top of the list, and that is because most likely they've been on it for YEARS. Their health is deteriorating quickly. How many people die waiting? An average of 12 a day. If you go without your kidney's working for long enough, eventually your heart is affected. Eventually other systems stop working so well. Your blood isn't as clean as it could be. And there are surprisingly few organ donors out there, even cadavers!
There is someone out there, and they don't know it yet, but soon- SOON! Soon they are going to get a phone call and they will feel hopeful again! If I pass the tests, that is. I think I need tell my parents. Just in case they really don't know, they deserve to really know. If I pass the tests, their phone is going to ring, and there will be happy tears, and hope will be known once again!
Can you even IMAGINE?! How much fun is that?
Imagine surgery...they will wake up after having this invasive surgery- and the kicker is that they will feel BETTER than before. It's immediate, if surgery goes well...they don't do the surgery if the recipient isn't healthy enough, but sometimes complications arise. Wake up feeling BETTER! Better color to their face, better feeling all around. AMAZING!
And maybe someone will hear the story, and they won't have that feeling that most people have of "no way!"...I am not the first to do a non directed donation, and I won't be the last. Of course, it's the smallest percentage of living donations, but all of the people who have done it did it because they realized the opportunity and they found that they had the urge. The urge? Doesn't sound right, but I don't want to sound derogatory to people that "can't" do it due to wanting to keep their own kidneys. Because that is fine. But just THINK...we could wipe out that waiting list. SURELY out of the billions of people here, there MUST be 100,000 that wouldn't mind doing it. I'd like to think so anyway.
SIGH.
I'm going to go work out now. GO, ME. Usually I have a hard time because that stupid eating disorder thinking sneaks in mighty quickly, but since I have a reason above and beyond myself (I guess it is for me, it will make recovery faster and easier), maybe it won't happen now?
We'll find out, that's for sure! I'm....hopeful about it. : )

SHE CALLED ME!

I GET TO MAKE MY EVALUATION APPT! I GET TO! I GET TO! I GET TO! I GET TO! I CAN'T WAIT! WHOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I LOVE!

I love Good Earth's Sweet and Spicy Tea. Best ever, hands down. IMO.
I love that my kids are transfixed by the Food Channel. Probably wishing that *I* cooked like that, but whatever. : )
I love when Julia has her own cooking show, using the fridge for the oven, and she talks like she's on camera.
I love when one of the kids is in trouble (time out) and the others just can't wait til they can go get them out.
I love catching the kids snuggling together when they don't know anyone is looking.
I love when work days work out well and simply and are not complicated.
I love going into work 2 days a week.
I love when I go somewhere with all 4 and someone can't resist commenting. And to think that I know at least 4 people with more than 4 kids!
I love the beautiful sunrise in the winter mornings. They are bright orange and pink and I love them!
I love Baby, It's Cold Outside.
I love We Need A Little Christmas
I love ..well, too many songs. : )
I love having so many beautiful souls for friends.
I love that sometimes people HIDE me in facebook because I'm so chatty.
I love challenging people's ideas about the world.
I love making food for alot of people, funny enough. Maybe it's because the kids don't know well enough to just love whatever it is, but all the big people do.
I love Cullen loving my squishy tummy. He says it, and I choose to believe him. His babies grew there.
I love knowing that there are more options out there than I will ever need. I can change anything I want, at any time I want, if I only have the courage to actually do it.
I love sleeping kids.
I love mornings that I don't have to get up.
I love a house full of groceries.
I love having a friend who wants to help me not hate meat.
I love having a friend who is well versed in meatlessness.
I love having my family nearby.
I love Payten Riley and how excited Julia gets when she gets to see her.
I love colors, all colors, but not all mixed together, then they lose something.
I love blueberry cobbler.
I love the feeling that everything is going to be okay.
I love when good things happen for people I love.

*today I impatiently cut off an old man because he was taking 10 years to get to the corner to turn. He didn't like it. I felt bad. And the I left the cart in the parking lot and I NEVER do that. The kids will even collect carts and put them where they belong. I felt bad. There, absolved of my sins, just like that (cackled the religionless woman).

100th post= HAPPY ONE!

It's amazing what an honest conversation can do. YAY FOR ME!

They are often the hardest to have, and most irritating, esp if you've brought *it* (whatever *it* is) to no avail, but man. I tell you, to be heard is a blessed thing. Understood, even better. You can imagine how often THAT happens for me. HAHAHAHAH!!!

I might make it through the next two weeks.
Isn't it the best all time problem to be doing a "small" thing, and need to 'be careful' or else it will turn into a big thing with more people than planned for? That is so funny to me! Gosh, I love the people in my life.

I know you're jealous, but I have to go now. I have to go through toys and get rid of the old so the new can come in. And clean up this basement. Again.

One more problem....unless I'm eating raw veggies and fruit, just about everything is shitty for our bodies. I don't like that feeling. : ( It didn't stop me from eating brownie batter and brownies, but now I just feel GROSS again.

Okay, really, I'll go clean now.

Nothing like a generalization to cover us all...

It's the same everywhere. After intensive research done by yours truly, it has been decided that It Is The Same Everywhere.
I have yet to meet a married couple who doesn't have the EXACT same struggles. I should find that comforting, but it pisses me off, mostly. There are fights about money, and struggles over alcohol, and control, and inconsideration. Those married folks with children also know about the issues with discipline, or how to deal with a baby who won't sleep or eat for shit. No that everyone is miserable all the time, because most of us aren't (even though I sound like it. Gimme a break. I hate winter and I see Cullen very rarely). But we have the same complaints. Of course that's "normal" when you throw two people together, make them say that they will feel the same way they do on that day no matter what kind of crap they have to deal with.
I can't recall the last time I was in a fight with a girlfriend.
I'm sure the other part of it is that I don't live with my girlfriends and don't have to figure out how to work at home, work around their schedules, get everything done and keep everyone happy, too. The little nuances such as the one we wrestle with- he works 2 jobs with some seriously jacked up hours...Sunday being the ONLY day he doesn't work at either job. Mondays he doesn't work til 2pm. Saturday he works at Fed Ex at 4am, home by 8am or so. So my weekends look like this- just like every other day of the week. I'm up, feeding kids, cleaning house, carrying on. When he comes home from Fed Ex on Sat, he's wiped, so needs to sleep til noon or so. Sundays are his first day to sleep in (have you heard this before? Surely you have...). Monday's are Monday's, I need to be up so I can punch in for work and get my stuff done. Surgery? Doesn't matter.
Last night we discussed it again. He says he's going get up on Sunday's so I can sleep in and have one break a week. We'll see. I'm not waking him up. I'm just feel too bad taking his "one day" that he doesn't work and doing that to him. Today he got up with me and we did breakfast for the kids together, laundry, all sorts of stuff. He tells me maybe in another year or two he'll have normal hours. Think I'll make it? Hopefully he and my new wife will get along nicely.

Anyways....it's all the same, most anywhere. I've noticed it's exasperated in couples who have lots of kids, and have weird hours where there is no real "time" together.

Survey says:::::: Wife Needs To Just Shut Up And Get Over It. ps---he actually didn't drink all weekend. I think it's why he's crabby!

*clapping* YAY, another Nicki the Grouch post

Dear Julia,
There is something very important that you need to know about when you grow up. And I need you to listen to me carefully, because no one tells the truth about this thing. NO ONE. If anyone comes close to telling you the truth about it, they gloss it over fairly well.
I'm talking about finding your Prince Charming. We grow up with these fairy tales around us, and that is all they are. Stories. They are made up stories. We watch shows on TV, and 90% of them don't show what life with Prince Charming (or what his life with his Princess, for that matter), is really like.
We all dream of finding THE PERSON (and you'll learn super fast that there is way more than ONE person out there that can make you happy) and getting married and living happily ever after. Then we make these silly vows before we even have a clue what we are saying. So please, please listen carefully.
DON'T DO IT! RUN! hahahhaha, I'm just kidding.
Married life is hard. I can't remember what it was like before kids, but I'm fairly sure that I was the same as I was when I got married, proclaiming to everyone around me that marriage was the best thing in the universe, and I could NOT understand why everyone around me rolled their eyes and shook their heads. And truly, it was most everyone who thought I was insane.
I know why now.
When you are married, and before you have children, if you are he are truly friends, you will likely not have too hard of a time stumbling through the fights that will come. Oh, sure, you'll be so spittin mad at him sometimes, you will wonder why you thought this was a good idea. He might feel that way too even. But since the world still revolves around the two of you, it's much easier than after you have kids. This you will not know until you have kids, so you will think that I do not know of what I say.
Then the babies come...and darling....you will be forever changed. SHOULD you choose to go down this route, that is. You do not have to. Heck, I'll be the first to tell you not to marry, too. Our divorce rates are SCREAMING to us that SOMETHING is not right about the way we're doing this. I'm trying HARD to find out what it is. Anyways, when the babies come you will be changed forever. Not that the man isn't, but I am not a man. However, I have been up for countless nights, changing diapers, feeding babies, comforting children, while he sleeps peacefully because he has to "go" to work in the morning.

Laura H.

It's so interesting how we find eachother, isn't it?
I found Laura through Kristin, Kristin The Mess. We all work at Regis together, and Laura and Kristin worked closely together. Kristin helped me out with blah blah blah, and I met Laura one day. Soon, Kristin was out, and I somehow ended up hanging out with Laura.
We have kids the same age, and we've been with our husbands for awhile, and she is another wonderful, beautiful giving soul. She's generous and she is a mother- all the world's babies are her babies and she wants them to be okay.
She is a beautiful decorator, she makes beautiful scrapbooks, and in general, I feel like a messy slob compared to her. SHE never makes me feel that way though. She is another one, I can catch up with her after any amount of time and it's like no time has passed. She too is so funny, and I love her laugh, and I love it when she says "NICKI!" like I'm the biggest nerd in the world.
Talking about her makes me want to see her.
She works from home now too- that's a pretty big deal in our company. I'm surrounded by such good friends.
Wouldn't it be the funniest thing in the world if they all hated me? If there was a secret Nicki Sucks club that I didn't know about, and all these people were a part of it? After seeing them, they get together to gossip about how idiotic I am, and how irritating I am? That would be funny.
Laura, thank you for always being honest with me, and thank you for being my friend. I know I'll still be seeing you years from now, too, and it makes me very, very happy. Love you!

Jen M.

I've been with Regis one way or another since I graduated highschool. I started at Trade Secret and then went to the home office. I was with the home office until my favorite BM took me on- I became a part of the distribution team. That is where I first met Rodney. Rodney is married to Jen. I had to get you there, see. Now you're there.
Rodney scared the hell out of me. He has a reputation the proceeds him, and the only word that describes him is CHARACTER. He was downright MEAN to me for the first month I was there. I took it because I'd heard about him, but he was MEAN. I started to think that we weren't going to be friends, and then he knocked it off. It turns out that he is one of THE funniest people in the whole wide world. Even my mom loves him and requests his presence at functions. FUNNY.
We didn't live far from eachother, so in time we decided to start carpooling. One week I'd drive, the next I'd get to their house and he'd drive. It worked out awesome.
I had just had CJ, and we were on our way to work. I was driving. He says "Jen has her ultrasound today." Just like that. I'd never met Jen yet, and honestly could not imagine what she was like, to be married to HIM. I screeched "WHAT?" Turns out she was 5 months pregnant. He hadn't said a word to anyone. I told him he was going ot have to tell everyone. That day, they found out that Deuce (haha) was a boy, and that was the first time I ever got to see Rodney lose his mind with happiness. He was just dorking out over it. Kinda fun.
I finally met Jen after RJ was born- Cullen watched RJ for them for awhile when he was unemployed. Here Jen is the sweetest, calmest, most rational soul I've ever met. I still don't know how she's married to Rodney. We adore Jen to pieces. They are polar opposites, but I can pick up with Jen after any amount of time and it's like no time has passed at all. She is absolutely comfortable to be around, and she has such an awesome sense of humor. It's subtle and hilarious. I know that in another 10 years, I'll still love them and see them and hang out with them. She's the girl that you know you can tell your secrets to, and they aren't going anywhere. She's a great mother, and she's a great daughter, and anyone who knows her is blessed. I LOVE JEN!

6 days post surgery!

Six days post surgery: "I just want to tell you thank you for everything you are doing. You've been doing it all, even after your surgery." Which one of you called him and tipped him off? He even warmed up the van for me before I went to the bank.

However, I'm still thinking of selling some of my services. Did you know that when he comes home from Fed Ex in the am in the winter his feet are FROZEN? I mean, it's bad. Nothing helps keep them warm. Every morning I offer to wrap them in warm towels, and dry towels and blankets so they will warm faster as he sleeps. And every day, he says no. He wakes up and they are still frozen.

Today he was out snowblowing. It's cold out. I made him a hot sandwhich and hot chocolate. He wouldn't have the hot chocolate. Fattening.

And the list goes on and on like this. I baked him a big chocolate chip cookie in the shape of a heart and he took one bite and gave it to the kids. Fattening again.

I make him lunch every day. I made it today, too, but I can't stray from the norm or else he puts it back. Today I gave him some soup (not healthy request, so it got put back), and a lean pocket because he loves those and I'd already made him a hot turkey sandwhich. That got put back too. He asked for another turkey sandwhich, with spinach.

I'm starting to get it. Nothing fun, no fun comfort foods if it isn't on a weekend. Therefore, maybe I'll sell my other services (minus sex, perv's!) to someone who won't tell me no all the time. Maybe I wouldn't have to keep finding bigger ways to give to people who will accept my love if he'd just knock it off and appreciate it? If I were his mom, he wouldn't say no to me for everything I offer.

I'm not really ranting, just noticing. But HEY! He noticed that I held the fort while I recovered. YAY HIM.

Okay, I am totally and officially BACK!

Not Black, but BACK!
I've been a Lucy Wench for the past few days, and I was starting to wonder if I'm PMS'y (I do kinda miss understanding where in my cycle I am. I'll get over it. hehe), but today, when I woke up and I was barely sore at all (YES!) I realized that I was crabby because I was sore from surgery and trying to deal while nothing else in this little world of mine slowed down. That is fairly irritating, but again, I'll put it in my file for after the kidney. DON'T EXPECT TIME TO RECOVER. Today I feel good so starting 2 seconds after I am done blabbing the noise in my head out onto this here thing, I am going to take a shower, clean up, do some learning time with the kids, clear my vmail if there are any, and get back into the proper holiday spirit. I'll write down what I have and what we still need to buy, who we have to buy for, presents for all the bday parties this weekend, who is coming over for Christmas eve, and in general, I'll be organized once again.
I'm BACK!
YAY ME!
PS..another note to self....sometimes dr's know what they're talking about...it was 2 days of hard core OUCH like all my gallbladderless friends said, but the surgeon said to give it a week, and he was right.

"Mom, why are CJ, Josh and Jordan's penises all different sizes if they are all brothers??"

He is worthy...Cullen.

Isn't he? Did anyone else sigh with relief that I was going to sing his praises, for once? It isn't the first time, but I supose he definitely deserves it. Someone mentioned that maybe some of the things I blab are things that I shouldn't let out. How do people live like that?? I need to get it OUT. Plus, I'd like to think that anyone who reads it can understand just a little bit that this is real life. This is being married for 12 years, with 4 kids, working 3.5 jobs between the two of us, with me being at home juggling everything, all the time. This is what is REAL.
SO, that being said, my Cullen.
Today, funny enough, after me just whining about not being taken care of the same way that I used to be when I was Important. This morning he came home, and went and got gas for me (without my asking), and shovelled so I wouldn't have to. Wasn't that nice? I thought it was. It touched me. Not last night but the night before, when I was sleeping on the couch, he kissed me on the cheek. For some reason he is scared of me after surgery no matter how much I beg for him to be near me, so that was nice.
He loves me. I mean, LOVES me. He always thinks of me. He buys me food that he thinks I'll eat at the store. He dreams of gifts he wants to buy me. He loves spoiling the kids.

A million years ago, when I was in my own personal hell, I dreamed of there being a person out there who I could totally be myself with. That is a tall order. I'm not "normal", I am unconventional in many ways, uncontrollable, and when I'm joyous, everyone knows. Just like when I'm crabby. I'm impulsive and I rather enjoy challenging people's ideas about the world, God, humanity, etc. And I'm not above doing something just because someone says I can't. I dreamed of finding someone that I could be myself with. And I did. He is strangle attuned to me. Little things like me saying he never fills up my car w/gas anymore (he hasn't in years) and then he comes home and does it. Or I think of a food, and it arrives.
And, I hate to say it, and I'll try to reel it in, but there are other avenues in our lives where we're very, very compatible. Rockstars, I have to say.
I do love him. He has the sweetest heart in the world. He is my best friend (when I'm not hating him, hahahaha) and we have fun together. He plays my silly games with me. It's a good thing.
YAY CULLEN. He survives another day. HAHA!

IT'S A NICKI MELT DOWN

I just walked away from a sinkful of dishes and a floor full of Rice Krispies because I can't keep it together.

I'm so done. I had to clean up make up all over the bathroom floor, then the cereal that was everywhere...kids partying in their room instead of sleeping, scraps of paper EVERYWHERE. I probably should have made them clean it up.

I didn't get to sleep in at all over the weekend. I had to do all the laundry. There was no "break" for me. He took the kids out Friday and for awhile on Saturday, so there, I said it. He did that. He hounded me about what I wanted to eat and Sunday when I finally said something, he went and got it. There. He did that. Is that enough props? Can I scream yet about how SUCKY it is to be the only one DOING anything? For a minute? I do it all the time- 97% of everything, but could I get a break for a MINUTE while my stupid incisions are healing? NO! I can't! I'll be on my hands and knees in a few minutes, cleaning the stupid floor. I'm CRABBY. I feel like no one in this house gives a SHIT about the MAID or the COOK or the CHAUEFFER that has been DOING EVERYTHING. It wasn't a major surgery---remember, when I have major surgery, I get 3 weeks before having it all dumped on my lap again. So, I should have assumed that I'd get a couple of naps for a MINOR SURGERY, which did stil include an ORGAN REMOVAL.

This place would go to hell in a handbasket in NO TIME FLAT if I stopped existing here. Oh, I know, they'd all figure it out really fricken fast, but there are a bunch of boys living here who don't give a shit about anything outside of themselves. AGAIN, just so I don't get slammed- Cullen throws a load of laundry in when he sees it needs to be done. He hasn't learned how to hang it up or fold it yet, so I have to redo it, but hey, it gets clean. He also takes the kids out, and he works 2 jobs. Doesn't cook. But is happy to go drive to get me/him food. If I eat, he'll eat so he likes to encourage me to eat.

Here is my fantasy- other than the one where there is a man here, vaccumming, doing dishes, COOKING, FOLDING LAUNDRY...other than that one, I dream of going somewhere where the life isn't sucked out of me, somewhere that I am appreciated. Remember what it was like BEFORE you were married with kids? When they got gas for you so you didn't have to? When they cooked for you to impress you? When you had surgery and they actually TOOK CARE OF YOU without WHINING about it? I'm so pissed. He is not going to ruin my kidney donation. If I end up hating him, fine, but I am not going to avoid it because he's a pos when it comes to taking care of me. I've said it for years: I am self sufficient without him. I'd be a little broker but I do it all and can figure it out or get someone else to do what he does. I don't ask for much! Back to my fantasy. I don't even know what it is. I don't have one. I wish I could just GO AWAY. I just want to go away.

UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! I need a BREAK! And I'm getting it TOMORROW! Allyssa...THANK GOD FOR ALLYSSA! I can't deal. I just can't deal.

I'll feel better tomorrow. I always do. Carry on. I hate tonight. Stupid, stupid mess that no one will effing clean up, no one but me. Jackasses.

Isn't it a wonder?

Have you ever been so ever lovin' annoyed and irritated and irate and hateful...only to have it all disappear? I don't know what caused it to go away. OH, I was an angry girl earlier. I've learned alot over the years, and I've learned how to deal with my anger. Since I am so impulsive, I used to get real ugly when I was mad. I'd say the meanest thing i could think of because I wanted the other person to understand exactly how upset I was. Isn't that mature? And my sarcasm knew no bounds...
Kids help that, I supose. I still am not the BEST angry person ever, but I'm BETTER than I was. hehe.
Today I was MAD. I was DONE. I was OVER IT. I was invited to vent, and I did, and for whatever reason JLL's magic worked on me and it was GONE. Just, gone.
Why? Where did it go? I had been conciously trying to "let it go" and that did not appear to be working, but it's gone.
YAY.
Or is it the pain pill? HAHAHA I'm JUST KIDDING. FOr the love of God, I'm not really addicted to them. If I had any Advil, I'd be popping that when needed. : )

Why is alcohol so important to some people? I know it's a dumb question. If I understood then I wouldn't need to ask. I know that a nice buzz is fun and in general, if you're not a shitty drunk, it's a good time. But REALLY? Every weekend? Why? Tanked? WHY? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And I LOVE this one: "I can go without...I just don't want to." Um...HELLO? "I'll try beer instead, maybe that won't screw me up so much.." Yeah, it's the actual DRINK, not the fact that you had 10 of them...I don't get it. That's why I mentioned the pain pills. Because, let's face it, if I could afford to be zoney all the time, I'd totally do it. By AFFORD it, I mean not only $$ but if I had no other responsibilities except to waste away, all blissed out. Is that what it's like? I have so many people involved in alcoholism around me...

And now my babies are in bed. I have been coffee free for ...weeks? Caffeine free (at least from soda) for a week, and I haven't had red meat in a week either. I'm starting to feel ...good, I think. I'm scared to eat too much fat at all because of things I've heard/read regarding digesting without a gallbladder. That's good for me, truly. I hate thinking about all the processed crap I eat, all the nasty stuff I let the kids eat. I hate feeding them deli meat. YUCK. You should hear them in their room. They are TOTALLY cracking up. It is the best. I HAVE to go stop it, but they are totally lost in laughter right now. I love them.

LALALALALA See Nicki putting off cleaning up upstairs. They are SO FUNNY- they draw and color Christmas pics, cut them out and tape them on the wall. It's so awesome. I love their minds. But there are paper scraps all over the place. Makes Cullen nuts, but sometimes at the end of the day, I just want them in bed and I decide I'll deal with the mess.

Alright, 5th wind coming right up, and I'm going to go clean it up, get some hot chocolate and find something mindless to watch. TTFN!

A mood swing, on Vicodin? WHAT?!

Okay.
I know that I am "too much" for some people. I had to get over that a long time ago. I try to reel it in and be "normal" and not too overwhelming. I remember the first time I was face to face with someone who had to "tolerate" me and I knew it. My feelings were so hurt because I really felt like we were good friends.
But it was a good lesson, of course.
Mostly, I don't care. I don't really have time to cater to people's needs that way, and if I am too much, I just don't ...care. Part of it is due to my inability to suck up, and I guess that's okay. I actually saw an interview on Howie Mandel of all people, and he said the same thing that I say (scary!)...said that he's either really impulsive, or really idiotic. That's my life, right there. I don't think things through, I just act, and sometimes it gets me in hot water and sometimes it works out for the best.
ANYWAYS. I'm done. I'm done with this one. I'm washing my hands. I do not care any longer. I am surrounded by love, and happiness, and friends, and warmth. I love this stupid world bigger than there are words for, and I love the people in my life the same way. I know I am a good friend. And I'd be lost without my friends.
But, I can't win them all.

WHEW. I'm free again. Freedom is nice. *Curtsey*

Janie

I was trying not to do family in my I love list, because I'll be doing it for even longer than if I just stuck to friends and randoms, but I can't help it anymore. I love them too much.

Imhappened to marry into a great family. Truly. Some of the people I'm closest to are my in laws. How many people can say that? I hope, truly, that it's alot more than I imagine.

My mother in law is awesome. She did daycare for 33+ years (!!!) and ...I don't even know where to start. What I love about her is that when I first met her, she didn't seem overbearing. When I came into their family, I was young, had put myself through hell, and was currently eating disordered. She wanted to know about it. She had never known anyone struggling with it, and wanted to know what it was like. I liked that I could talk to her about it and not feel judged- she has always been really non judgemental seeming. She had always said that the hardest part of doing daycare was some of the parents...the stories she heard and situations she had to diffuse and be in the middle of...UGH! Anyways...

She used to entertain all the time. Sunday dinners were a huge event with lots of people and she loved it. I didn't understand how she could like doing that, but I was young and it would take me 2 hours to get up enough energy to even be there, or to eat (stupid eating disorder). I did like getting to see everyone, and it was fun once everyone was there, it just seemed like a lot of work to go through weekly.

She always decorated for every event that was going on. Her kids love her house, and for a good reason. There was no expense spared, that's for sure! Spring, summer, fall, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, birthdays....she did amazing things. I'm sure that her husband helped also- so here's your shout out, Mike: Way to go with the cleaning and decorating! Her house felt the way you want home to feel.

And then...she fell ill. It's been 8 years now- EIGHT YEARS of her being sick. There have been times when we thought she wasn't going to make it. And she always did. There have been times when I've watched her cry in frustration as one by one, things she used to love doing, she could no longer do. She didn't want to not do Sunday dinners but she couldn't. Little things like reaching up high for things, she'd shake and get frustrated and swear. Cleaning became harder. Little by little, the little letting go's began.

It used to make me cry....the upside being how much more I appreciated each time she could do something, each time we were all together at her house again. Only now we participate way more in the cooking and cleaning up. Often, it's just too overwhelming for her to have all the bodies at her house, all the kids running around. She tires fast now, standing for a few minutes wipes her out.

Last year was the first year that she didn't host Christmas Eve. We hosted it in the party room. It was different. It was NOT the same, of course....it was nice enough, I supose, and it is always good to be together with everyone. This year, when I mentioned to her that we are open to doing it at our house if she decides she can't, she was quite adamant that she could, and planned on hosting it this year. Part of me sang (it's just the tradition and Christmas-y feeling), while the other part of me doubted that it could happen. It is SO much easier to leave a place when you are done than to have to sit there amoungst people and messes and try to get ready for the following morning...so it's at our house.

She's been my first call when I'm not sure what's wrong with a kid...she's seen it all. She has been very tolerant of me and my "crazy" views, even embracing some of them. She wants to hold my spider. She can cook like no one's business. It's delicious. Terribly unhealthy, mostly, but delicious. She just wants her kids to be happy and taken care of. She has held up her family all these years, allll these years, she is the cornerstone. She's the knower of what is going on, the shopper, the do-er. There is nothing her kids won't do for her.

It's been hard to see the little letting go's happen, but good, also. They said she wouldn't last 5 years, and it's been 8. She is not well, but she is here, and she is full of love. I will cheer, I swear it, I will cheer for her when she's out of her body and free again. I will miss her like crazy, and it will be a big hit on us when it does happen, but I'm so happy that she's here now.

She "doesn't like" to talk on the phone, but we kill some time that way. : ) I love my Janie.

Gallbladderlessness

Now THAT is a fun word to type! Not as fun to say as uteruslessness but pretty fun to type. Try it, you know you wanna.
I am sore. I have realized that the kidney is going to hurt like a son of a bitch. I'm hoping that I will forget, like I did after I healed from the hyst, about the pain. Because even though this one is "no big deal" according to everyone who has had it done, it does hurt. I've never had incisions before and they are a little bit sore. There's no real way to lay and be comfy yet, and when I pull on of them...OUCH. And yuck. The one up high bleeds often, that one must have the hardest time with me moving this way and that. Ick, ick, ick.
But Truly, it is remarkable. On Saturday, the sorest day, I couldn't imagine that yesterday would have been so much better, and it was. Today is better yet. So in the end, it's all good. It was just a smack in the face that surgery often hurts, and if this is "nothing" and I can't clearly remember how terribly painful the hyst was in the first week or so, donating a kidney should be FUN. haha
I met a sweet soul from the UK who is going through a kidney donation and she said she has had major surgery before and expects no pain from the transplant. : ) Isn't that sweet? I hope that for her. I really do. Maybe that's the problem? I'm expecting pain? I know it won't last...
My lung hurts, my right one. I supose it might have gotten bruised or else it's just referred pain, but it's fun to breathe, and cough. : )
Enough whining about that now. Shall we discuss how great my husband is at taking care of me during recovery? Did you miss it? I just typed it. We'll try again, here it comes... there, did you get it? I crack me up! I am positive that he is doing "all" he can, and for him it's probably overwhelming to have all the kids be his responsibility- even though he'll be the first to say that it's not, he is acting like it is. And here is something that he has said after both surgeries...I share this so that you will NEVER say this to someone who is recovering from a surgery. Don't ever tell them how hard it's been on you...or like Cullen said last night as he was stomping around the house, angry because his cheese dip didn't work out how he wanted (i'm not sure if he was slightly intoxicated, but this cheese dip was making him curse up a storm), but he said, quite unhappily that "it's been a long weekend." Oh...booo hoooo pooor, poooorrr Cullen. *kick in the nuts*
: ) Ask me how I really feel. Yes, I am fully aware that I am going to want to divorce him with the kidney.

Okay. I am going to drink some tea and just chill out. I <3 Vicodin.

I must be the most over optimistic person to live...

That can't be ALL bad, can it?
And I'm DETERMINED, and that's a good thing, right?
Going in, all I'd heard was how easy this surgery is and that after a couple of days I'll bounce right back. I'm not saying that I don't believe them, but I apparently forgot what surgery feels like, a little bit, and I've never had incisions before.
OUCH.
Pain meds are GOOD STUFF!!!
But I supose I was just thinking that i just gotta do this and be done, and so I did, and now it is. Recovery can't take too long. All my friends say 2 days, the dr said give it a week, and ...well, I'll just do that. I had the kids all to myself this morning, made breakfast, cleaned up , but it's hell when the meds wear off. One of these times it won't be.
I guess I didn't tell some people who wanted to know about it. But all I heard was that it was NO Big Deal so I didn't think to tell some of the people I talk to often, like Preggo or Shawn. Preggo didn't like that she didn't know about it, so her and Travis came over last night to hang out and bring me food. Cept I didnt' want any so I got a Vanilla steamer from Starbucks- YUM. WAY YUM. I thought that was so sweet. I love my sister in law to pieces. Travis too. Then Brian and Em came over- and I love that, too.They knew Kim and Travis were over. It hadn't occured to me to INVITE them while they were all texting- druggy fuzz brain- but that makes me love it even more that they came over anyway. That's the house I want- when our friends just come over. It's funny that I used to HATE that, years ago. I would NEVER dream of doing that to anyone, and I hated when people just "stopped by" and now, every time it happens, I cheer. I love those visits. Lisa, my mommy friend who has kids in CJ and Josh's grades, came over one morning to let the kids play before school because they had some time to kill. It was brilliant! And Guin stopped to see if they wanted a ride another morning. I love my my other sister in law or brother in law stop by when they are in the hood. Good stuff. I love that people feel loved enough and comfortable enough to do it.
I love vicodin. But I have to walk now. I should have a six pack for how effin sore my tummy muscles are. On the up side, who even flippin knew I had muscles there anymore? I sure as hell didn't!
:)

Carole

Carole has such a tremendously challenging job. It's probably just as rewarding as it is challenging, but this lady puts up with more hormones than anyone else in the world could deal with. She is a surrogacy coordinator.
I supose that it's fairly safe to say that most surrogacies go well. Most surrogates are fairly level headed and we're made quite aware of things that we can expect. We end up being emotionally attached to the intended parents because that's just how it is...not that they don't emotionally attach to us, but at the end of the pregnancy, they go home, a new family. Not that surrogates get tossed aside (some do, sadly), but their attachment isn't to us, it's to their child. Can you imagine dealing with 20 girls, who are on fertility drugs or pregnant?! That's not to mention the darling intended parents...some of whom have a harder time than other with the idea that they are having someone else grow their baby for them. She's awesome. She's a surrogate herself, and I'm sure she is the best wife and mom ever. She's adorable and she's making such a big difference in the world, doing what she does. I adore her!
I wasn't able to go through with either surrogacy, and she was so sweet and comforting during that time. Even though I have nothing to do with the program anymore, she never tells me to go away when I email her to say hi. : )
Thank you for helping pioneer the world of surrogacy, Carole! You guys make families happen, and the emotional support you provide is priceless, times a thousand. You are making BIG waves, and a million ripples that are uncountable. Those babies will grow up to have babies, who will have babies, and it all started with a surrogate, a couple who want a child, and you. THANK YOU!

WHOO HOOO!

No HIV (duh) and No Hep B! First little step for kidney donation, out of the way. There are soooo many other tests coming up. In fact, it will require a full day at the University, getting tests. Lots and lots of blood tests, and scans of my kidney's, and pee tests (I'll pee a GALLON, literally!)...more tests to see how fast my kidney's can clear the stuff they give me. Did you know that usually one kidney is larger and higher up in your body than the other? USUALLY it's the left kidney, which is good, because that one is easier to get to than the right one. 10 years ago they used to remove part of a rib to get to it!!!! OUCH! I'm glad it's a lap procedure now. I wish I could find someone that has had a hyst and done a kidney before so I can compare the two. I would think it would be similar in recovery, and from what I've read it sounds that way---most people are surprised by the pain, much like I recall being when I woke up uterusless. Most people say they start getting better after a week or so, and it gets better and better until they feel like themselves again. For me, by 5 weeks I was at 95% or so, I'd say.
But, of course, first I need to pass alllll the tests. The psycho test is nearly 600 questions, but I had to do that for the surrogacy too.

Maybe I should just settle down for a minute though, and have my gall bladder yanked tomorrow and let my body heal from that. :) And then get through Christmas, and then have my big evaulation at the beginning of January. If there's any sign of diabetes, if there is any sign of my kidney's not being perfect, or pick any number of the dozens of things they'll be looking for, I'm out. I have to try to remember that what will be, will be.

Love always finds a way!

I! HATE! COOKING! MEAT!!!!!!

I HATE COOKING NASTY, DISGUSTING, VEIN-HAVING,FATTY,HORRIBLE SMELLING DEAD ANIMALS!!!!!!!

I'M HUNGRY AND CRABBY AND I WANT A CHEF SO I DON'T HAVE TO SEE THE NASTINESS AS I COOK IT!

Ha! I'll show the stupid world. I'll eat my spinach salad WITHOUT the meat and I'll just have gas for the rest of the night and no protein with it. SO THERE!

Instanteous Insanity

Every day at 4:06pm, the same thing happens. I haven't quite figured out how to head it off yet. I'm not sure it's possible.
At 3:55or so, Julia, Jordan, Chuckie, Samantha and I leave my house. I leave C and S at their house, and they usually wait at the corner, yelling BYE to us the entire walk.
We go collect CJ and Josh from the sea of children's faces, and start our walk back. Chuckie runs to meet us, and he always crosses the street with me screaming at the top of my lungs for him not to. He's too far away and does it anyways. We make our way back home.
In the house, at 4:06, and the II hits (Instanteous Insanity). Chuckie, Samantha, Julia, Jordan, Josh and CJ are going ape. It's the change in the atmosphere, the change in the faces that are here. Everyone wants a snack. I learned that having the snack ready doesn't help, because then at least 3 kids want to tell me SOMETHING, RIGHT *NOW*. I blank out at about that point. See me staring off into space, letting little snippets of demands come in, and I try to tackle them one at a time until the beasts are quieted.
As I sit here typing, there is a war going on upstairs. I need to go get crickets for Willow, but that is going to mean getting socks, shoes and jackets on 2 smallish people, while the rest all clump together getting their stuff on. So the war is raging on. I hear CJ roaring at the kids and the other 5 screaming and running from him. Occassionally someone cries, and someone fixes it. Samantha is scared of CJ, and now I know why. She's going to hate him after today.
For what it's worth, I adore Chuckie and Samantha. They are some seriously cute kids. They have THE biggest brown eyes I've ever seen. I want to squish Samantha, but I don't want her to be scared of me either. She's the smartest little 2 year old ever.
Oh, hell. The noise is coming my way. I should go get those crickets so we can eat dinner. Someone's gotta feed em. : ) Maybe I should dangle candy from the van and let them chase me to the store? That would wear em out. DOH! Another kid bites the dust.
Cheers!

The things I forgot to tell *you*

I stopped drinking coffee. It was hard and I miss it still, but I am tired of thinking about all the shit I put into my body. Coffee CAN'T be good for us. It's acidy, and it just can't be good. And really, for being a "morning" person, I wasn't feeling like one anymore. Til I had some yum yum coffee, of course. It really sucked not having it.
But now I feel better. I still want it, but I don't think I'll choose to drink it. I even put the coffee maker away and gave my super duper creamer to Jamie. Can you believe I did that? I don't have to pee nearly as much in the mornings now, either. : )

My new boss, who is harder to read than Latin, gave me some nice feedback today. I've been feeling like a fish out of water trying to accomodate the dc's and figuring out how to do this thing I'm suposed to be doing. Every time I screw something up I feel awful and then I feel annoyed that I have no clue what I'm doing. So the feedback was REALLY, REALLY appreciated. Angie has saved my butt over and over and over and OVER while she's been recovering from surgery, and I emailed him to let him know what a wonderful job she's done holding my hand. I wanted him to know- she is a rockstar and she knows her shit. But it was nice of him to tell me that I'm doing good too, and that with this particular task, there's only one way to learn, and that's to do it, screw it up and figure it out. YAY!

I'm getting more and more scared/excited about the kidney. I've finally taken in all the "bad" outcomes. I've read the stories and let it sink in and I totally and completely get why anyone who freaks out over it or is unsupportive feels that way. However, the good stories are so good and amazing, and that's the kind of story I'm going to have. I'm very excited. Recovery sounds very familiar. I'm sure it will be different in it's own special way, but most people say that they were shocked by the pain- which I totally was after the hysterectomy- and that the first week is the hardest. It all sounds familiar. There is one theme among the not so great stories, and that's a feeling by the donor after the surgery that they don't matter anymore. That the nurses, dr's, transplant team stops their care somewhat. Most people don't say that, but the people who have had issues after the surgery say that. So I'm going to make sure I find out who will be available to help me after the surgery- SHOULD I need help. The other thing they talk about is a let down feeling when it's all over- I can see that, and I won't be surprised when it comes. I imagine that to be the same let down after a surrogacy, when the new family goes home and we are no longer pregnant, no longer the universe to the couple we're growing a baby for. We miss our new friends, and we're left with unpregnant bodies making milk and hormones shifting back to normal. I understand the let down feeling all too well. It's the annoying noise in my head that makes me keep looking for something to feed the monster inside.

I'm not nervous about the gallbladder surgery even a little bit. I'm more irritated with having to pull my head out of my butt so quickly and go right home. I have a new plan for eating that we'll see if I pull off. I'm imagining without a gallbladder and eventually kidney, I should keep on eliminating icky foods from what I eat. The kids are SO excited (not) about the GOOD NEWS that we'll be taking in lots more veggies and a lot less...processed crap. They'll do okay with it. They'll have to. So tonight we ate garlic bread pizza and I'm about to go make out with some lemon cookies. : ) AND I'm looking forward to getting to pop a vicodin for a good reason. : ) : ) : )

I don't miss my period. Not even a little. I celebrate not having it. I feel totally free and I love it.

Did you SEE the sunrise today? Omigosh. It was incredible. I was laying in bed with Jordan (he strolls in around 6am and will fall back to sleep with me) in awe of the incredible beauty that was lighting up the sky. The orange was so bright and gorgeous...you could almost hear it. I loved it.

Arkansas was outstanding. I can't properly describe what it's like to be there. We follow a pretty close schedule every year, but it doesn't matter. Our rituals feed my soul like nothing else can. The kids are SO good on the way there and back, and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE getting to see Bob's side of the family. I just love everyone. The food is always amazing, and the kids are just off playing. Shopping on Friday with Rose and Mom is the best ever! I can't get enough. It filled me up in a way that I needed badly! It was so good to have Cullen around, relaxed, not having to rush to work or anything.


Okay, I think that is it. If you're lucky.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby.

This is on my mind alot.

Can you imagine if I just stopped there? Cullen would be giving himself high fives, non stop. :P
But I was referring to the kids. The kids and how to deal with sex. I think about it ALOT ALOT, actually. It has already come up, and it has made me think about my ideas about it when I was growing up.
Here is what I'm pretty sure I know for sure:
1. Sex is fun. Most of the time.
2. Kids don't need to be ashamed of their bodies or their responses.
3. They figure out pretty quickly that sex can be fun.

It is easier for me to know what I do NOT believe in. We visited a church one time and the sermon was on young kids and sex and it was the hugest turn off EVER. It was all about guilt, and displeasing God and I wanted to throw up. I emailed him, I was so upset. The last thing teenagers need is another reason to feel guilty and dislike themselves.

I'm pretty sure that kids do whatever they want, regardless of what we want. Didn't you? Didn't you find a way to drink if you wanted to? And it was pretty easy, wasn't it? Didn't you probably have sex without your parents stamp of approval on the time, place and person? They will do it.

SO- my current ideas are that I am being honest with them when they ask questions. Not brutally, overly graphic about it, but they can tell you what sex is. I bring it up every now and then so they will hopefully stop blushing and stammering when it comes up. I just throw it out there when it's just CJ, Josh and I. "SEX!" and they dissolve into giggles. I do it a few more times til they are over it. I'm probably insane, and maybe I'm wrecking them, but I don't want it to be the thing they have to whisper about. I'll be the mom sending them into the bathroom with some "reading" material every 30 minutes when they are 15 or so. HAH!
Another thing that I am doing is I am planting the seed (no pun intended!)--- we discuss how girls are different than boys emotionally. How girls can sometimes feel things bigger than boys do. There is a girl who used to really like CJ. I can remember being young and idolizing boys around me, and I did really feel that way. CJ didn't feel that way about her, and we talked alot about how important it is for him to be kind to her and be her friend anyways, and how important it is for him to be mindful of her feelings. I bring that stuff up as often as I can.

Don't you think if a boy can grow up knowing these things, and sex isn't a whispered about topic, and they don't need to feel guilt over their bodies reactions to the things their bodies will react to. Don't you think if a girl grows up knowing what's in store for her, if she grows up not putting up with crap, if she grows up informed...doesn't she have a better chance of not using sex for the wrong reasons? If they have parents who openly show affection with eachother as well as the kids...

What if I could be the kind of parent that the kid goes to and says "Mom, will you help me get condoms?" Or "mom...I think I want to have sex." Can I be that? Can I handle that without freaking out? Can honesty help them make good choices and keep their self esteem intact? I don't know.

But we'll find out.

Suzanne

I met Suzanne when I was 12 years old. At the time, I was employed by the City of Richfield and I cleaned houses for old peeps. Carrie was one of the women I cleaned for, and she passed away, leaving her house to her granddaughter, Suzanne.
At the time, Suzanne was newly divorced with a little baby- my first baby, Colleen. She was 6 months old when I came into their lives. Suzanne had been in a car accident and her back was not well. She wondered if I would like to keep coming once a week to clean, and if I'd be interested in being her babysitter. WOULD I!? I was so happy and excited. Colleen was- and still is- the worlds BEST KID EVER. She's 20 now, but still. She's awesome.
Suzanne held a very, very important place in my life. While I went through the most horrible years ever, she listened to me. She did NOT agree with choices I made, but she LISTENED to me! It was relieving, and she was in a position to offer me advice that I could and would listen to. She also seemed to understand some of what I was going through- abusive relationships and eating disorders. As I grew older, and grew up, our relationship changed, as it does. She is now my friend. I still respect her ideas and opinions, even if they are different than mine. She is a very sound person. Colleen is 20, Michael is almost 16, and I'm still cleaning her house once a week.
She was definitely a gift from God. Even she doesn't know how much relief she brought to me in those times. It's so hard to bring some of the stuff to parents, parents who know more than we do, and know better than we do and can see way clearer than we can....and it was a blessing to have an adult that seemed to accept me for who I am and what I was going through. I'm sure when I left she may have hit her knees in shock, I'm sure she cried about things I did, but while in my presence, she remained calm and seemed unfazed by anything I said. THANK YOU, SUZANNE. I truly don't know what I would have done....sometimes I felt so alone that I just wanted to die. THANK YOU. And thanks for keeping me in your life. You guys are family after all this time. THANK YOU!

What I would NOT do again....

There is something...I'm sure there are more things...but there is one thing in particular that I wish I had done differently.
Santa.
This has to be the meanest lie of all. Our kids BELIEVE us about things, and we tell them that this THING happens, when it does not. Here is how I would do it, if I could do it over again-
I would never tell them that gifts come from Santa. Every. Single. Child. who has been told this LIE finds the truth one day and feels sad over it. Something dies when they find out it's a lie. There's a better way, I think!
I would never tell them that Santa brings the gifts, but I would share with them the many different versions of Santa's all over the world, and what Santa represents. Then I would share with them the wonderful opportunity we have to be Santa for someone, every day. In all ways and times. We can be Santa. We can make magic for people. We can show generousity to our children and people we love without the Santa lie.
Everyone I have said this to argues that the Santa Lie is so fun, though, for kids to believe in a mythical person brought to life once a year. I don't know. I still remember recognizing Santa's hand writing as my dad's and feeling everything in me deflate just a little bit. Was the 9 years worth it? Maybe it is? It must be, because like a ding bat, I passed it on to my kids. They can know of Santa, they can partake in Santa stuff, they can watch Polar Express a hundred times with me, they can have the Santa magic without the lie, without the let down. I wish I had done it that way instead.

The First Time

I've posted this at least a million times before. But I've got another newbie, a newly pregnant princess. I can't tell her any of this stuff because she'll get enough of that from the rest of the world.
This girl is the youngest of 6. ALL of her older siblings are BOYS. She brings a whole new meaning to PRINCESS. But the thing is- she's the most level headed girl I know. SO level headed. Better with money than all of her brothers combined. Smart, smart, SMART girlie here.
BUT- but- just as we all were before we had kids, she is about herself. Not in the horrible way that it sounds, and she's had a WEE taste of parenthood since she has 2 step daughters, but it is not the same.
We either were trying to get pregnant or we get a surprise, but either way- one thing is for sure. The second that tests pops up positive, nothing is ever the same again for us girls. Immediately, we become aware that we are suddenly actually DOING this thing that we've been chasing after, and there is no break, as in "Gee, I really want a bottle of wine tonight...I'm not going to be pregnant for one night so I can get loaded." No, there's no breaks. You might be sober cab to the annoying, irritating drunks for the next 9 months, but you don't get to be one of them (or should I say PLEASE don't be one of them!!!). it happens right away.
Some girls feel sick and others never do, but your body starts changing no matter what. If you do get sick, however- that is hard. It's hard because you don't feel like you, and you realize that your boyfriend/husband has no freakin clue, and usually the sympathy isn't as forthcoming as it should be. They just can't even guess what it feels like though, so we can't blame them too much. Well, we can, but we shouldn't. You feel like you're never going to feel normal again, and while in part that is true, it's not true in the way you imagine. There will be a day when you can eat again without wanting to vomit with every bite. There will be a day when you can smell hamburger and not toss your cookies. There will be a day when you don't need a nap every 45 minutes.
Some ladies enjoy the benefits of all the extra hormones in ways that others don't. The moodswings are a nightmare, the crying jags that feel like they'll never stop are exhausting..but if you are lucky, you'll feel amorous toward your beloved. This never happened for me. Not even once. If anything, I actually held back puking. Nice, right? I hope it's different for everyone else out there, it would be a hell of a lot more fun to want to boom boom pow instead of hurling your brains out.
All this passes, you see. None of it stays. It passes. But when you're going through it for the first time....
There is no real rationality going on, right? When you get mad, it's ALL THE WAY mad. Sad? Get out a box of Kleenex. Happy? Well, you'll likely cry again.
OH! OH! BUT WAIT! What was that flutter? Could that have been the little itty bitty baby? No....wait, there it is again! And suddenly, there it is...our BABY. The reason this is happening, the reason for life itself...moving inside of us. Little flutters that no one but us can feel, growing bigger, stronger, until the outside world can feel it too. We're growing, and we wear maternity clothes, and suddenly realize that we're going to be PARENTS. How do we do that without totally messing them up? What if we do it all wrong? WHO LET US PROCREATE?! But then we watch our belly, in the flesh, and we see bumps, and we know we are connected in a way that no one else in the universe can be, to this child. We are physically connected. It eats what we eat. We feel when it moves. It's magical and there's no going back...
Then suddenly, we're re-eating our meals over and over as the reflux kicks our asses. We're sleeping sitting straight up and chugging the Cherry Mylanta like it's going out of style. It doesn't matter how "safe" the food is, we will revisit over and over. Which is just as well since we're up peeing over and over. It now takes 3 good heave-ho's to get out of bed at all, waddle to the potty, waddle back to bed to do it all over again in an hour. This is practice, believe it or not. And when you are getting up to feed the baby all the time, you'll be happy you don't have a basketball in your stomach and you don't have to pee so much. : )
The process is smart though. The Creator is smart. By the very end, you will be uncomfortable enough where labor starts to sound good. You will even realize that the baby is intending to come out of your VAGINA, but this won't scare you nearly so much, because you are pretty sure you'd let it come out of your MOUTH if it wanted to, you just want it over and OUT. Isn't that smart? It's the only way to get a bunch of super pregnant women to run toward labor with relief and hope on their faces. Only til the real contractions start, but you know, at first it's very exciting.
There are a dozen different ways that labor can start. Induced, a c/s, water breaking...it's different for everyone. Labor also is a story in and of itself. Everyone's got stories, and not one experience will be the same as another. I did one birth without an epidural. I did the other 3 with. In fact, I'd still have one now if they let me. If I could walk with it, that is. I love the thing. I love giving birth. I LOVE pushing babies out, nothing has ever felt so gratifying in my life. I didn't want them to be over so quickly. After CJ, it was just a push or two for each of them. There is nothing more amazing in the universe than feeling a human being move right through your body. Awesome.
CJ, of course- being the first- he was a different story. This almost 9 lbers ripped me to pieces, but I didn't feel that. I pushed like I was dying, and I actually had quite a conversation with my maker during that time. We got a lot cleared up in that 1 hour 45 minutes of pushing. Have you ever been so mad, sad, broken and hurt that you can feel it all throughout your body, and all you want to do is roar so loud out into the world that the entire planet can hear you? A deep, never ending, all you've got ROARRRRRRRRRRRRR, that you feel from the bottom of your toes? All the energy from the miscarriages, all the hurt, anger, disappointment, unfairness, all the learning, growing, loving...I roared it out through those pushes. It was terribly theraputic, and I never want to have to work that hard in my life EVER again.
Then...it's over. All the growing, all the changes, all the worries, all the excitment, the planning....it's over. There is a child on your belly, and this is YOUR CHILD. You were actually pregnant with a human being and now it's done. You are not pregnant anymore and there is +1 people in the room. Isn't that wild?! I looked at CJ and immediately I knew that my mother loves me bigger than I ever guessed, I was instantly over the moon for this creature, and I announced loudly "Sad. Only child. I'm NEVER doing THIS again."
: )
Okay, just a few more times. : ) I'm done now.
The first time is ...the first time. The second time is easier in almost every way, if you have a "normal" go of things. It gets easier to know that it's just hormones making you want a divorce and wonder what you were thinking, getting pregnant. It gets easier to know that nothing you feel is going to stay that way, as far as hormones go. You will return to normal, mostly.
Now we're on to nursing and post partum and new motherhood. I'll let your bleeding ears heal and hit that tomorrow or so. Depending on how many words I get to use up during the day, that is.

I definitely fly by the seat of my pants.

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I have to admit that I completely give everyone and every situation the benefit of the doubt. It applies to EVERYTHING.
I found a great website about kidney donation, from a kidney donor and it's opening my eyes to alot of things that I couldn't even fit in my head. Did you know that transplant centers charge somewhere around $300,000-$500,000?! They make some serious money on this! AND I've been reading about how some donors feel that they get the shaft- that they aren't treated as a patient after the surgery is over, like all they were was whatever body part they donated. Not all, but some, that has happened to. I'm so very thankful that I read it so that I can ask the right questions and I can advocate for myself if I get to do this.
They (medical field) aren't allowed, nor do they want to, go out looking for donors. Partially because of the ethics- it's already been implied, by what I've read, that the recipient is not always the highest priority, that perhaps the money is. REALLY? I don't know. I just don't know about that. Is it humanly possible for doctors to act that way???? When it comes to THIS? I don't know. See? See my optimistic head, refusing to believe that THIS is what donating is about? It doesn't fit in there. And there are reminders everywhere that any statistics they have, the numbers are, of course, incorrect, because there are many living donors who don't participate in the studies.
I'm sure that not everyone has a good journey. Not all surrogates do, either. There are still births, miscarriages, psychotic intended parents who have complexes surrounding the surrogate, thus causing emotional trauma for her. So I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that there are living donors out there that haven't had great experiences. I haven't heard anything but good things about the U of M though. So, step by step I'll go, if I get to. I'm glad I found that website. I'm reading everything on it so that I can never be accused of not looking at the WHOLE picture. I'm looking, all right.
I feel lonely tonight. Cullen gets off of work at 10, so I'll get to see him for a little while before I go to bed. Feeling lonely has to be the most ridiculous thing ever for how un-alone I am/we are. But it never fails! I feel un-understood (for no good reason) and like I'm spinning my wheels (with some things, I am. I clean up, only to clean up again, to clean up again, to clean up again). It must be the lack of caffeine. I didn't even have one little shot of soda today. I had the headache to prove it- could I really have had a headache from NO caffeine at ALL? I am not a headache-getter. Maybe my kidneys are failing. hahahaha! That's my new personal inside joke to everything. : ) I did feel immense relief to find out that it was my gallbladder freaking out and not anything remotely kidney related.
Blah, Blah, Blah. Watched Find My Family and The Locator....best shows EVER. Time for a subject change. Next post, coming up soon. Thank Dinkus for leaving me here with nothing to do and no one to yack at. :P (PATHETIC! I could read! I could wrap presents, but the kids want to help. I could fold laundry but I already did 3 loads and I'm over it. I could do my reports but then I'd be bored at work tomorrow...want more excuses? I've got a ton!)

Angie S.

This girl has been through some serious stuff. And she takes it, and do you know what she does? She sees through it. And it all comes back to love in the end. Can you imagine losing someone you love to an addiction? Can you imagine seeing them change until you barely recognize them? But you get glimpses every now and then that they are still there, so you never give up hope? And then, one day, they lose...so you lose....and your heart is torn in two, because it doesn't make any sense at all.
She sings his song loudly, and she'll tell his story passionately if you want to hear it. And by the end, you love him too, and you can feel the sadness and the weight of the loss, but it wasn't for no reason at all, afterall. Every person who knew him was touched, and many of us who never knew him were touched. I know that I now have a better understanding of what that drug does, and how seductive it is, and how good it feels to be on it.
Then there was the time her baby drowned. He survived, but he was gone for a minute. It happened in a pool, with her standing right there with him. I think of her EVERY time the kids are in the pool. It happens THAT FAST. She was helping A, and T went under, breathed water in and it was done. He was BLUE. Not breathing. DONE. THANK GOD he came back. Can you imagine? Can you imagine what that felt like to see your baby, blue and gone?
She questions all the rules, just like I do. Boy would we have fun if she lived near me. Nothing is accepted just because someone said. No way. That's not what we're here for. I love her heart. I love how accepting she is of everyone. I love how colorful she is. And I will never forget what she said : Love Is Fluid. Isn't that the best? You can't cage it in, you can't keep it all to yourself, it's fluid. It's okay to love everyone. It's fluid. It holds no shape, it leaves no one out.
I <3 Angie!

The Smartest Thing CNN does

Is their CNN Hero thing that was on last night.
I LOVE THIS SHOW. Every single person who was honored couldn't be more deserving. It totally renewed my faith that there is plenty of good going on, we just don't see it because we are too fricken busy being bombarded by the trash on the news constantly.
Did you know that there is a woman out there from Zimbabwe who was raped at the age of SIX, and who then watched her mother be killed IN FRONT OF HER at 9? Do you know what she has done? Instead of doing what most of us would do if that had been us- and she was angry for a long, long time (rightfully so!), she decided that it is INSANE that this is a way of life there, and it is- on both counts. in 1999, she started her foundation, and she started collecting women who have been victimized and she helps them go from victim to SURVIVOR. Do you know how many women she has SAVED? 35,000. OVER 35,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't stop crying.
And did you know that right now there is a man and his wife who started an orphanage for these darling abandoned babies? Whether their families were too big (these people can't afford birthcontrol...we forget how spoiled we are), or the parents are dead, or sick, whatever it is. While they were filming his story, his family of FORTY SEVEN (and they call him Dad, his wife Mom)- became 48. They showed us what it is like when they get the call that there is a child who needs a new home, this was a newborn baby, and the poor darling mother was so sad to need to do that.
And did you know that there is a Phillipenes man who grew up poor...he couldn't stand to think of all the kids who are just in the street doing whatever they want, with no one looking after them...he is educated and saw that that is the way out of poverty. These kids can't afford school- do you know what he does?! He has a school on wheels, and they bring out these schools on wheels and all these precious babies come running from every direction TO LEARN. He teaches these kids. With love and patience, he teaches these kids! He's saving all these babies!
And how about the guy in Queens who saw a group of people on a street corner, and they were hungry...so he went home and started cooking and now he has 6 fridges in his house, and it takes his whole family to make all the food, but every single night, they go out and feed whoever is hungry. Sometimes it's as high as 140 people a night!!! His wife didn't go with him to the ceremony, so she could feed the hungry people waiting for food!!!!!!
Isn't it a great world?
It helped me to realize something. Cullen is probably right. If I get to donate a kidney, it isn't going to kill the insane noise in my head. But if I can find something that I really, really love, and I can stick with it- then I'll probably feel like I can actually make a difference someday, somehow, for someone.
I want to watch that show all day and all night long. Can't you see how much better the world would be if we showed THAT constantly instead of the gross negative crap filled with lies, politics, murders?
We waste so much time. Silly, silly humans.

See what happens when I don't blab enough?

It's like my brain gets constipated, and now I'm pooping it all out.
I have to tell you about one of my favorite Christmas memories.
It's a recent one, from 2 years ago.
Two years ago, we were still in a shitty place. A really, really crappy place. Cullen had JUST started working after being unemployed for 2 years. We literally just had NOTHING. I don't mean we were "broke" but went on vacation anyway. I don't mean we were "broke" but shopped til we dropped and charged everything. I mean- BROKE as in there is just no money. And Christmas was coming.
We've been helped in years passed. THANK GOD we were helped. We were helped by my sister, we were helped by Cullen's sister, brothers, my parents and 2 years ago it was his mom and dad. I will never be able to thank everyone enough for the times we were helped when we were desperately needing it.
Josh, who is a type A personality- he'll be an engineer when he grows up- had his sights set on a train. It's the only thing he said he wanted for Christmas from Santa. A train set.
There was a kick ass train set at Toys R Us that my father in law had seen. He wanted to bring me there to see if I thought that Josh would like it. Of course, it was FANTASTIC. It was $50.00. I, of course, had no money at all (ever have to borrow gas money? Or money for diapers? Food? It's fun.), but his dad really wanted to get this for Josh, from Santa. I knew Josh would love it, and I was thankful that he could receive a gift that he asked for from Santa. That wasn't the only gift that his parents bought for us to give to the kids, but OH, it was probably the most important one.
When Christmas morning came, by the miracle of love, there were gifts underneath the tree for the kids to open. In fact, they had a pretty darn good Christmas, despite our brokeness. We handed out some gifts to them, and I will never in my life forget what happened when Josh opened that train set.
He had ripped one piece of the paper off, and saw what was inside. It was still mostly wrapped, and he LOST HIS MIND with excitement. He jumped up, and kept jumping, pointing, mouth open, but no words coming out. He couldn't even SPEAK. He couldn't yell, he couldn't scream his joy, he was SPEECHLESS. I teared up watching him, sooooo thankful that it was bought for him. When he finally ALMOST got a grip, he ripped the rest of the paper off and finally words came to him, and he yelped with so much happiness, that nothing else mattered, for Cullen, Josh or I. Cullen and I...oh, our cups were overflowing watching him fall desperately in love with his new trainset that he'd dreamed about. And Josh..well...he couldn't have cared about opening any other gifts. It was priceless and beautiful and I am so happy I get to keep that memory with me.

That is what I think of when we are buying gifts for other families in need, or giving money anonymously to people who need it, or buying food for the food shelf. We would have been SUNK during Christmas time if someone hadn't loved us enough to help us give the kids what they deserve to have. Every time I do something loving for someone else, it's my way of saying thank you to the world for always being there for us.
Thank you World. Thank you, Love. Thank you, Family. Thank you, Friends. Thank you to all the people who have done something nice for me, for us, that I don't even know about. My heart knows. THANK YOU.