Okay, great. I'm premenstrual. : )
For the record, in case I sound like I'm always feeling like I am right now, I'm not. But when I am, it needs out. Sorry for bleching all over you. And honestly, I LITERALLY (sad, I probably shouldn't admit that!) work up this morning singing THIS LIL LIGHT OF MINE...I'M GOING TO LET IT SHINE.. and I smiled my way into the kitchen and the day began.
We got to drop the kids off today to go shopping, which is always a treat. I don't get to go out with Cullen a whole lot. I think my sad feeling started when we grabbed a bite to eat....I was reminded of his mom, when she was healthy (she seemed great today, by the way. She'll have a surgery date tomorrow and then we'll be able to plan the week.) which made me think of how different this year will be for Christmas. I still believe it to be a good thing that we'll have a "different" Christmas while she is still alive, but I just felt sad. I actually premenstrually teared up right there in public over it. It surprised me.
Then we went shopping, which was a blast. But it is so hard to buy for grown up people, and I started to feel sad again. I thought of my Suzanne, who has gifts for people piled up all around her house, and thought of Jane and how she used to do that same thing, and I felt sad because we don't have oodles and oodles of money to spend on gifts for people. I have 4 kids and they cost alot, alot of the time. The people at the grocery store know me I'm there so often. *Sigh*
So we went to mom's, and at some point there I remembered that I'm such an idiot that I did what I ALWAYS do when I'm scared of upsetting my mommy. I EMAILED her about my kidney stuff going forward. I know it isn't the first time she's heard about it but honestly...as a mother I would lay down and beg my kids to keep their kidney, and so maybe she feels that way too? I don't know. I'm still moving forward but I understand if she doesn't like what I'm doing. Anyways, I remembered that, and I wanted to find a way to bring it up, but I was too scared and so I didn't. Minus another 500 points for me. I left feeling sad again.
THEN after a delightful evening with my babies, they went to bed and I needed to wrap some presents. This is always left to me, and it does the same thing to me every single year. It makes me cry. Because then I have to see what we've bought and it never ever feels like enough and I feel like people probably hate when we get their name because we don't buy them enough stuff. Is that the stupidest thing you've ever heard? Of course it is, and even typing it, I know it's stupid and I STILL FEEL THAT WAY. To make matters worse is that I really am not great at wrapping presents. It's my own fault. I've always envied the people who make their packages gorgeous-- but the part that's my fault comes in there...I think wrapping presents is one of the most wasteful things we do. It's in the garbage a minute later. And therefore, I prevent myself from really putting a ton of effort into it. Again, minus another 500 points. My kids would probably love for me to deck the gifts out, but for 8 years I've watched BOXES be a bigger hit than the gift, and the crumpled up wrapping paper be more fun than admiring the present. I SUCK.
We received a turkey from our neighbors. Isn't that sweet? I want to make it for Christmas eve, which is where the next to last self esteem shattering moment came in. I've done a turkey ONE TIME. Once. I had to drink in order to be able to touch it at all. It was nasty and horrifying, and then we wrecked the thing in the deep fryer. Fantastic. I SUCK. I totally, and completely suck.
THEN...since I was on such a great roll of counting all the ways that I am pathetic and don't deserve the position I'm in, I realized that for as much as I'm different than I was a million years ago, I am still the same. I'm the same me as I was, in ways that I don't want to be the same. I obviously have the ability to change that, but I don't know HOW. I'm sure I will produce an opportunity just by talking about it. *hangs head in shame*
Last night was fun, just to throw in a happy. We had Cullen's work party at Dan and Deb's. I got to meet all the people that I hear gossip about all the time, and it was a BLAST to put names to faces. We had such a good time. Then we came home and Kimmy, Travis, Em and Brian were over, and we played cards til 1am. It was pretty funny because we were all sober (that never happens!) and we were all yawning and ready to pass out. For some reason, we just kept playing. We don't get to do that as much lately and maybe they felt the same way, like just...staying. I loved it. I love them to pieces. Back to my pity party....
I am overwhelmed by everything left to do, the unknowns of Cullen's mom's surgery, and my own suckiness. I'm going to go wallow in it some more.
No comments:
Post a Comment