Book#324

Yeah, lookout People! It's been awhile and you know how stopped up I get!

Ready? Get your drink and turn off the phone. heheheh!

First of all, there are seriously NO WORDS in my vocabulary that can properly contain how fabulous this week has been. It is a JOY to not have to hurry in the morning, it is a joy to be able to play Snakes and Ladders, catch, take a walk, to go the nature center, go visiting...and not have to worry about getting caught not sitting at my computer. It is THE BEST EVER to be able to have this very fleeting, precious time with Jordan, and then Julia, and then the boys. I don't have to put anyone off so that I can to any plans for work, I don't have to worry about phone calls, I don't have to do ANY OF THAT. I can be WITH MY KIDS!!!! WHOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!! It almost makes me feel bad for the people who don't get this glorious opportunity, cept that so many of them don't want to be with their children this much anyway. It's the best ever and I am thankful one hundred million times over that I have this chance!

Next: what am I going to do about my hair? Here's the thing- I LOVE long, beautiful hair. I love how my babies, even when they were very small, would run their fingers through it. I love how Cullen plays with it when we're just sitting together or laying in bed. I love being able to pull it up or let it down. But I get ansty and bored. I'm trying to resist. I can SEE my hair down past my shoulders and it IS fabulous. I have a FABULOUS head of hair. I'm a LION for Goddess's sake! But it's heavy hair. I'll keep growing. I guess I just love it too much when Julia brushes it or when Jordan plays with it before bedtime. Isn't that the yummiest? Having a four year old run his fingers through your hair, and tuck it behind your ear....talk about LOVE!

Speaking of which, let's pause and give a big ole shout out of thanks to the whole universe and the team of angels that just kept Jordan from getting knocked out, shall we? He was bouncing his bouncy ball in the kitchen, and it tapped the kitchen light, the main one. THE COVER, of which is probably 4 pounds heavy, CAME OFF AND FELL STRAIGHT DOWN. If my baby were standing beneath it, it would have knocked him out for SURE. But he wasn't, (say it with me!) THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!! That's nuts!

Cullen is loving his new job, by the way. He's remembered much of what he knew, and he's learning more and pulling his weight in doing pool closings, etc. He likes the people, and he loves getting to see some of these crazy big obnoxious houses. I LOVE having him home at night. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I asked the kids to come downstairs to clean up all the toys that Julia and Jordan had emptied. CJ was NOT excited to help, since he had not made the mess. I explained to him again that I clean up messes that I don't make all day, every day, and that I understand how he feels but that I'd really appreciate it if he would just go for it and do it anyway. He went downstairs, grumbling and whining. I got tired of hearing the kids admonishing him ("Stop throwing things everwhere!" "CJ that hurt, look out!") so I called downstairs that while everyone else would receive TWO chocolates for helping pick up, CJ could have ONE because his attitude was so poor about helping.
10 minutes later, Julia's voice comes floating upstairs..."Mom? Maybe can CJ have his other one since his attitude is bet.." and she was cut off by CJ, saying "No, Julia, it's fine, don't do that. It's okay." SHE WANTED HIM TO HAVE HIS OTHER CHOCOLATE! And she wanted me to know he fixed his poor attitude! Isn't that the cutest thing EVER? Oh she just ROCKS! She is also cracking me up about Chuckie in school...she's having a hard time sharing HER friend with other kids in the class. We had a little talk about how it's okay for him to make other friends and it's okay for her to make other friends too, and that he doesn't HAVE to sit by her every day and that the sooner she gets okay with that, the sooner she won't feel sad about it. I think things are okay now, but she is SUCH a girl in every glorious sense of the word.

How in the world do girls have multiple orgasms?! I don't even WANT one! Do NOT touch me when I'm done. When I'm done, I'm DONE. It's a massive firework display of monsterous proportions, and then this girl needs a rest. I have even READ about it, and "they" say that if you keep going, you will eventually have another orgasm. How? HOW can anyone possibly deal with being touched more after *that*?! Even..(sorry) if it's "just" from intercourse (and those are my favorites!) there is NO WAY I want to go more, more, more and have more, more, more. I need some times to recuperate. I'm baffled! And proud for those girls who can and do go and go and go, but I threatened Cullen that if he ever took any Viagra (his brother says it's the best thing EVER) that he'd have to find a warm apple pie to get it on with because when I'm done, I'm DONE! For at LEAST a half hour. There, I feel better now. Maybe that's why we have so much sex? Because maybe some people DO go 2 hours at a time? We last 45 minutes at the most, with making out being most of that, because it doesn't take either of us long to get "there" and like I said...after the earthquake, I need to gather myself again. Interesting.

I'm hungry.

Today we're going to visit Bev. We don't get to make dinner for the homeless shelter until November 12th, and I'm way too itchy to not do something until then. I bought Bev some socks and I want to buy my mom and dad something to say thanks for being the all time best grandparents ever but they aren't home til Sunday. I need to DO SOMETHING but I am not sure what just yet. Maybe I'll hit a drive through and buy for the person behind me? Maybe that will make me feel better. It's like needing to go potty and there's no bathroom in sight and people EVERYWHERE so you can't even squat somewhere. How's that for a visual? :)

For the first time EVER, last week I controlled one of my dreams. It was AWESOME! It was a flying dream, and normally those scare me into waking up because it tickles my tummy and I wake up. This time, I controlled my flying (I was flying between my house and MFN's house). and it was WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!! Now I need to have another concious enough to control it dream so I can do more!

ANything else worthless I haven't told you yet? I'm still in jammies today and might stay that way.
I love the world. I'm so thankful for everything. Especially the laptop I'll be receiving and the children who will be coming to my daycare. :)

I decided that I officially think that sometimes a spanking is Absolutely Necessary. I don't think I have ever had to spank any of the 4 kids for something more than once. When it's the Last Resort, it really, really gets the point across. I can't believe the shitty things kids get away with lately. Sometimes, talking to them just isn't enough. There's my parenting theory, which may or may not be correct. All I know is that I have 4 kids who (as far as I know) are (mostly) well behaved and not naughty terrors that need constant supervision to make sure that nothing horrible is said or done when no one is looking.

Who knew there WAS more worthless information in my head? HA! Oh, but the amounts of it are almost overwhelming!

Hungry, must eat, lucky for you!

TTFN!

And here's what The Last Friday Feels Like:

It started with a bad dream about missing my last lunch, so I woke up feeling sad. I tried to log in through Postive Networks and it wouldn't let me- so I burst into Emotional Girl tears, unsure if I'm booted or what, you know? The kids and I had a good discussion about how a person can be happy and sad at the same time.

Then I came into work, and all 3 of my higher ups left for a meeting. It's just me, AR, LG, PM and AP in here. Everyone is quiet. Sometimes I shout BINGO just for fun. I scared AR by doing it. I also went over to the drawer that says BRIAN'S DRAWER on it and added an "s" to the end of it, horrifying AR to no end, because MFVP will not find that funny, and I will no longer be here to catch the wrath of it. AR and I are messing with Mr. AR because he had a dream that she was sneaking around behind his back- WITH ME, and so the emails are a'flyin', and we are laughing our butts off.

And I will most certainly be a mess soon......

What will it feel like????

What do you think tomorrow is going to feel like?
I don't even know what today feels like. MFVP had me come in to the weekly meeting that I am normally not a part of. He made me talk even. I am going to miss him HUGE. H.U.G.E. HUGE HUGE HUGE!!!!!

I am going to miss AR HUGE!!!! And PM too!!! Do you know what I'm not going to miss? Punching in and out 15 times a day, the rush in the morning, worrying incessantly about formatting, worrying about getting all of my reports done, worrying, worrying, worrying.

I didn't think that I would be emotional today. I wasn't, for the first couple of hours. Then the meeting, and then AR talking about how much of a wreck she's going to be tomorrow, then her blowing me off for lunch when CLEARLY the right thing to do would have been to break her other plans for me (snicker!). And I got so irritated that I felt like CRYING! Stupid Girl has arrived, Peeps!!! Tomorrow doesn't seem real. I am going to love not working but I am going to miss my friends, so much. UGH.

Yes, i feel like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone and nothing is very real anymore.

Chili and applecrisp and yum yum's, oh my!

Do you know what? Don't answer that, there are too many things I will need to tell you all at once. I wonder if I can sort them out through my caffeine induced ADD? I'll try.



First, and most importantly, HOLY CHEESES, what does McDonalds PUT in their coffee? My GOD, I'm almost FLOATING! And I am CLEARLY glowing. WOW. I needed it, but WOW. Look OUT world, Nicki is FULLY CAFFEINATED.



Second- I am going to eat good lunch today with my good friend as a good bye. YAY/BOO.



Third- MFVP bought me something, and went ahead and said this to AR: " Do you know how to make a Nicki go crazy? Boy do I have her number...this is how. Nicki, I bought you something." Which of course made me clap and cheer until he finished with "....but you can't have it until Friday." And he dangles that in front of my face throughout the day. Now, I have, or the kids have, been the recipient of things that remind him of us before. And he does good. So, of course, I can't wait to see what it is. YAY.



Fourth- I love MFN. THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND!!!! You were so very sweet to babysit my frozen food. XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX



Fifth- I love Cullen. He is loving his new job - it's only the 2nd day, but the people are good and he really is enjoying how it's going so far. It was good to see him relaxed last night. Finally.



Sixth, did you know that I just feel better when I'm doing something for someone else? I just do. And very, very happily and with MUCH relief, I'm happy to report that it doesn't matter if it's small or big, I feel the same. WHEW. That sounds stupid, but honestly- what if donating a kidney was as good as it could get, you know? But it's not. I just signed us up for 2 more feeding the homeless stints. One in November and one in December, because AR wants to be able to participate and Dec 30th is the only date open that SHE is free for. :P Instead of impatient me waiting til then, I signed us up for 2 dates. Can you guess what we're making? Can you? Can you? I hope that these peeps don't get "stuck" eating this all the time in the winter/fall...but chili and applecrisp. That's what's on Momma Nicki's menu. And I feel better already. The incessant DO SOMETHING feeling is satisfied by this, for now. :) I'm hoping that I can enjoy my 2 weeks off and the beginning of daycare without feeling the DO SOMETHING calling to me.

3 cheers for a fantastic night with Cullen and the kids tonight!

My Very First Time. (you know you wanna know...)

This is BIG for me! BIG! And perhaps it shouldn't be so big? But it is. And I'm HAPPY AND FREE!

I had a FIRST.

Yesterday Julia, Jordan and I were walking into Cub foods. We were in the entry way between the outer door and the inner door when I very (sorry to judge!) creepy man walked past us. He was a little older , but he didn't look "right"- I noticed that before he even started checking me out. And then he looked at me. And he did not stop looking at me, even as we walked past him. I could see his reflection in the glass doors ahead of us, and he had stopped, turned around and was still looking.

People like him who do things like that make people into victims without even TOUCHING them.

And right then, 2 things ran through my head. The show "What Would You Do?" --- because I'm always a little appalled and what people will sit by and watch (and know that *I* am probably in that category WAY more than I should be!..but not anymore!), and my ghost dreams. I used to get held down in my dreams, but it stopped after years, when I got brave and started yelling at them to LEAVE ME ALONE! And now I can head off a bad dream at will.

So I let the disgust rise until it erupted. And it DID erupt. I YELLED- not said, not asked, not said loudly- I YELLGROWLED "STOP! LOOKING! AT! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!" Julia giggled nervously and said "Are you yelling at me?" and I said, in a perfectly normal tone of voice "No, baby. Not you!" and she wanted to know who, but we just kept walking.

See? that shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I wouldn't have cared who in the world heard it.

It also brings to question where that magical line of what is okay and what isn't lives. And it's different for everyone, for sure.

I don't know. Just remembering him grosses me out.

But I won. GO, ME!

My baby girl!

My baby girl is the sweetest, funniest little girl in the whole universe. I LOVE HER. She definitely has 3 brothers. 2 of which have lost many teeth by now. It's a weekly if not daily question- "Are my teeth loose yet?"

Guess what? My preemie (born at 33 weeks), who turned six last month, has TWO loose teeth. TWO. Her bottom two teeth. The very teeth that made me think I was going to lose my mind (not a good teether, her). The very last of the baby baby things...her teeth. And they are LOOSE!!!!!!!!

The change has come...

I don't remember if I whined about Cullen and how cranky he's been lately, but we had the pinnacle of that erupt on Saturday morning, and I think he's going to be okay now. His energy feels better and more open to me. I completely understand being stressed out about being out of a routine and starting a new job, but it sure would help if he'd acknowledge that instead of being a huge turd about everything I say and do. You know?

Yesterday we hit the apple orchard. Unfortunately, Minnesota Harvest now SUCKS ASS. It's pretty bad. New owners as of last November and there is literally nothing there but apples now, and you get to walk to find them. NOT that it was The Best Ever before- their horses were horribly dirty as was the pens they were kept in, but there was pony rides and a petting zoo and a park next to the willow tree I hug. Now one willow tree has had a hair cut and the rest are all overgrown to hell. Everything is. So we left that one and hit Emma Krumbee's- the problem here is that it costs $5 a person to get in, which for us means $30+ --- which we did, but then I didn't feel like dumping more money into apples when I can go to the store and get them cheaper. You know? But it was GORGEOUS outside, we were with AR and family, and the kids had a blast, so it goes down in the book as The Best Day EVER. And it only got better! Mom called and invited us over for dinner- steak and potatoes. YUM!!!! AND THEN we went shopping and I used gift cards- I scored a bunch of awesome stuff and spent a whole $3.22. For real. And I'm totally in the mood for fall.

Which got me thinking about our homeless friends. I'm sure others have thought of it, but I'm going to sign us up to make lunch one day, and we're going to make a bunch of chili and apple crisp. How much fun will that be?! Won't that ROCK? I gotta find out if they let kids come. For some reason I don't think they do, since when we did breakfast there they couldn't come. But we'll see. I'm totally excited. I can absolutely get through the last week at work, and then I can have 2 weeks to get ready for some daycare. Have I told you that I AM going ot be the All Time Best at it? It is totally going to feed my homeschooling urge.

Know what I HATE? Dumping a container of hazelnut creamer into my coffee only to find out it's old. Dump the whole cup. Then repeat. And get old creamer again. BITE ME. Back to my other creamer.

Carry on! I'm on a ROLL today. I LOVE IT. My carpets are super clean and now I'm going to go visit Simpson Housing Shelter's website. YAY!

Expectations are the pits.

As a general rule, the less expectations you put on a person, the better off you're going to be. Most people are good, sweet people who have gifts to offer. When you start piling on the expectations, you're going to squash them, and instead of them offering the gifts that are theirs to share with the world, they will start doing a little dance, just for you, with the steps that you want them to, and the way you want them to, and you're going to miss out on the very best of them.

The End.

Knock off the expectations, outside of expecting to be treated in a non abusive way, of course.

*see Nicki breaking free from Expectations*

Oh I'm full of it today!!!!!!

I am full of it today! There is so much IN here that it might be too much to type, and it's almost certainly all crap I've blogged before. But in order to save Cullen from having to hear it all, I'll do my best.

Item number one Eating Me Up: I either put a LOT of pressure on myself or else my boss helps with that and either way- I CAN'T WAIT TO BE DONE HERE!!! I was feeding the kids this morning and I missed an IM asking for an IRPL (don't worry, it doesn't matter what it means. For fun we'll say it means I Really Piss Long). It was 15 minutes later so he asked AR for it, and she did it. Our boss has her so afraid to do it that I got a message saying DON'T TELL JJJ, BUT I DID THE IRPL FOR YOU. And I just flipped out. I'm SO TIRED of not being able to just take care of the kids without worrying about JJJ! I miss ONE IRPL request and suddenly we're all undercover? I told AR that I don't CARE if JJJ knows. He can bite me if he's going to get mad about it. I'm DONE WITH THAT FEELING. DONE. I'm almost over that though. Almost. I have 6 more days here. I'm not counting Friday because Friday will be nothing but FUN.

Item number two Eating Me Up: Cullen's request that I "GET SICK" and hang out with him at home. Like I don't feel enough pressure to be here and do everything as soon as I can for JJJ, and now he's going to throw some pressure on me to GET SICK? He was mad that I took 2 half days instead of full days to be with him this week. Whatever. Inflexiblity and control make me CRAZY.

Item number three Eating Me Up: I truly don't understand why people bother having children. Most people that I tell that I'm going to finally be able to be home without having to worry about work also say "I couldn't do that." What did they have kids for? How did we get to be okay with seeing them for a few hours every day? When they are 5 they go away to school anyway and then someone else sees them more than we do anyhow. How do people have a baby, and a month and a half later leave that baby with someone else all day long? I think that Westerners have it all jacked up. We insist that we have to have both parents working because we have "lifestyles" to keep up, or sometimes people are just *exhausted* by their children. They ARE a lot of work! People who stay home HAVE TO have an outlet that includes alone time, and time with other adults, but I just don't get how we got to this place where the *norm* is for mothers and fathers to not be able to be with their OWN OFFSPRING! it's so funny to me, I'm getting the most support from working fathers..they are all full of "GOOD for you!" comments. Except for my one sweet friend that wants nothing more than to be home with her baby but she "can't"...I know those were tears in her eyes when I said to the room full of people "We get one chance to be with our kids before the school gobbles them up and keeps them." And I felt bad because I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. This leads to ...

Item number four Eating Me Up: I'm tired of people being "stuck". They think they don't have options! THERE ARE OPTIONS TO EVERYTHING!!! We can live where we want. We can work where we want (unless we have so many limitations on the type of job we'll take that we stomp out opportunites left and right), we can do what we want. I DO realize that I don't think like a "normal" person--- perhaps a person that is too afraid of recessions and "the economy" to dare to dream or go after something they want, but why is it that we can do these things and not fall on our faces? Is it our perception of our experiences? Mothers hearts break when they leave their babies with someone else for the first time, but we don't take that as a sign, we decide that if we break our hearts enough, we'll get used to it, and we do. And before we know it, after a long weekend, we are dying for our kids to go away again. :( Sometimes the kids wear me out, but mostly I think they are a load of fun and I learn more from them than they do from me anyday! So many people are stuck in the illusion that there's NOT enough of anything, and that we have all these NEEDS and I see things SO DIFFERENTLY. .....and that, my friends, brings us to

item number five Eating Me Up: RELIGION. I'll make this all about me for a second. I'll tell you what God does NOT do for me, or to me. She does not throw more things in my path for me to jump over or make decisions about. He does not direct me here, there or anywhere. He doesn't even have a preference about where I go or what I do. *I* get to make those decisions, and She supports me. *I* get to pick where I want to work, and live. If I make a concious decision about something, I have noticed that my sidekick always comes through. As long as I do what I can with what I have, my contributions towards my goal are more than matched. And I'll go one step further and say that I can hear angels singing everytime one of my (our) wishes and dreams is made manifest. AND sometimes I'm so good that I manifest things in a VERY short amount of time. You should see everything that's come. I have everything I need for daycare, cept for the child proofing stuff, and none of it was mine. It just arrived...a swing, bouncy seat, high chair, clothes, a DOUBLE STROLLER...and I love to PIECES the darlings that gave them to me. THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! A swingset, the railings for the stairs are appearing (I LOVE MY DAD!!!)....everything is just going perfectly. And I expect that it will continue to. See? it must be our perception and perspective of what is going on. I don't feel like I'm being taken for a ride by God. I feel like I'm blazing a trail and She's cheering me on and showing me even MORE of what is possible. If I act from the place of We Are All One and Do Unto Others (and why wouldn't I do that if we are all one and the same?)...I'm not helpless and I don't feel helpless and I'm sad when people feel helpless. I'm even sadder when people are convinced that God makes mistakes.

I sent my thank you note to MFVP yesterday and he liked it, and I feel so much better that I finally got to tell him SOME of how I feel about him and working for him.

There is a lesson here for me, about pressure and where it REALLY comes from. I can choose to NOT feel pressure. I can choose to relax and especially now. In fact- I COULD be wrong about this, but it seems like while 2 up and even 1 up are still acting like I'm not leaving ---I just mean this in the sense that I'm still to go to meetings that don't make a difference for me, esp in the last few days, and I'll start taking calls from the UK next week even though it's for a few days and then someone else will need to...3 up...MFVP seems fairly surprised and happy when he sees that I've still showed up each day. Maybe he isn't, because of COURSE I will show up til my last day. He tells me to stop glowing with happiness. I'm off the hook next Friday after lunch. it's just interesting, is all.

I want to hug the world! I just can't WAIT! For EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING! And for what it's worth, I like being in the office today. I'm enjoying my friends properly. Go Team Crazy!

How does this sound?

This was the hardest love letter for me to write, because I have to wrestle with my feelings about how I *THINK* I am perceived by him....well, I don't HAVE to do that, but I DO do that, and it's hard. I feel like he thinks I'm an incompetent idiot (which I'm not and by looking at my work load...I really truly am not, but i only hear negative things from him...and he says them in such a snotty way...) and that part makes me want to stomp on his toes and demand that he tell me how he knows how impossible it is to do what I just did for 7 years. And if working from home with kids isn't hard enough, he came along and piled on a BUNCH of new responsibilities and barked when I couldn't keep up immediately. So..I push through those feelings, and try to remember that *I* helped create the situation so that *I* could have a choice about what *I* want to do and where *I* want to be. It really has nothing at all to do with *HIM*. In that spirit, my loveletter...(how'd I do???)

Dear Jeff,

I have realized as more time goes on, just exactly how long I’ve been here. I started working for Regis corp when I was a TEENAGER. It has been a long time.

Thank you so much for partaking in the idea of me coming to the distribution center and taking the salon customer service position. I remember where my desk was the day that you called and asked if I’d be interested in it, for Phil. I was so happy and excited. That was the best choice I have made in my time here.

Thank you for being my friend all those years ago when we were miscarrying over and over. Those years stand out as a highlight for me when I look back. I spent a good deal of time laughing. Remember that stupid snail joke?!

And as for currently, I assume that somewhere between my perception of our situation, and your perception of it, lies the truth of how it is. At some point I was going to need to make a decision about how I wanted to proceed with this career, and I owe you another thank you for helping me to see better which path I wish to take. I’m sorry I wasn’t better able to win your favor. I hope you know that I did the best I could with what I have. *I* am proud of me for juggling an enormous load for so long, and then juggling even more when I was asked/made to do so, and that is all that matters. I know that now. I appreciate the courage you helped me feel to take a leap and go for what will make me happy down to my toes, without even knowing you were doing it.

You do a fantastic job for Regis!

Thanks for everything.

Nicki

My magic worked again. :)

And for all we know, it was going to work anyway. But because that is not how I approached the situation, I'll tell you my fun little story.

It started with AR and I going to get food at the nearest Lee Ann Chin. It happens to be located in a NIGHTMARE of a parkinglot. NIGHTMARE, I tell you! With cars backed up from here to Tokyo. She advised immediately that I go to the other parkinglot (I also figured out that you can tell how close you are with a person by if they or you will backseat drive or not. If you aren't close, you keep your mouth shut. If you are...well...you steer from over there) and this is when I took out my Merlin hat and magic wand and commanded that she watch while I performed my magic (which works Every. Single. Time.). I said "World, we are here and I'm ready for the perfect parking spot to open up." She laughed as I followed a string of cars around the lot.

We rounded the corner and were now directly in front of The Target Food Destination. And, guess what happened? I'm-Going-To- Back-Up-Lights on a car 2 spots ahead of where we were! Now, if you read all that, you also know that i was in a LINE. But my magic overrules everything and the car ahead of me was TOO FAR AHEAD to be able to reverse, because there was a line a mile long behind ME. We couldn't move, they had to move on, and WAH-LA, much to AR's amazment, we were parked directly in front of our spot. She believes now. Took her long enough. :)

Stupid little birdie.

That stupid little birdie that perched on my desk yesterday had me crying the whole way home. I have been with this company since I WAS A TEENAGER!!!! I've been with MFVP for over a decade! Every single thing that has happened in my adult life has happened while I've been employed here! From beating a eating disorder, to getting married, buying our first house, miscarrying over and over, having 4 kiddos, making best friends, moving some more, having 6 surgeries, 2 of them major, growing in ways unfathomable at the time....EVERYTHING. I have loved big, and grown even more. I'm blessed so much that there are no words for it. That stupid little birdie made me think about it. I cried my whole way home, unstoppable tears of love for the people I love who I'm going to miss. I remember going into MFVP's office on the 5th floor, when I worked in the main building before working for him, and sitting down, to ask questions about things I didn't understand on the logistics side of things. The people i worked with were horrified and amazed that I DARED to do that- everyone is kinda afraid of him or thinks that he's just a bear or something, which is just the furthest thing from the truth. I am missing the gene that clues me in on things like that about people, and I always thought he was a nice guy. (BTW, I'm right and everyone else who thinks differently is wrong). Or how it all went down when I came to work for him, and what amess it was (because I didn't tell the dept that i was leaving the correct way, and it looked like they were "stealing" or "taking" me), and how he had to deal with it and because he really believed in me, he did that. Or how he came over, got down on one knee, took my hand, looked right at me and told me how terribly sorry he was that we lost our 14 week pregnancy in Mexico (they lost their 2 week old son Conner many years ago) ...or how he came into my office with an accordian, shut the door, played and sang while I peed my pants laughing...only to open the door to a bunch of people standing there wondering what the HELL was going on...and there are too too many funny MFVP stories straight from the horses mouth to tell. And he's SMART- engineering smart, but just REAL smart too. I'd trust his judgement on a thing completely even if it was the opposite of what I think. One day I was mouthing off about a situation that I did not understand at all but was involved in...he only heard the tail end of my rant, but in passing reminded me "Ohhhhh but we can't judge...we just can't judge." and I HEARD him. I mean, of course I heard him, but it was EXACTLY what I needed right then, more than ANYTHING. Perfect timing. Oh the things I've learned...
Anyway, remembering just how much of EVERYTHING that has happened while I've been here made me cry, and HOLY SHIT, September 17th is going to be one Very Hard On Nicki Emotionally day. I love referring to Nicki in the 3rd person. Poppycock! I think I just made up another game. :) AR will love it.

I know it's getting old...

and it's 12 days and counting down, but get used to it/over it...you're going to hear about it.

One of the wisest little birdies that I've ever known just came and perched on my desk and said "Do you ever feel like you do these things without really feeling like YOU are doing them and then one day you're going to wake up and realize that you're ACTUALLY LEAVING HERE and cry your eyes out?"

Probably.

Not today though.

But it's coming.

Who does NOT want to be here on my last day? (raise your hands). Me either. Suckass.

I'm really coming along!

I have to say, that I really, truly, am comin along nicely!
I've been a work in progress for a very long time, and I certainly have a long ways to go, but...I'm comin along!
(*pause for a brief break* it is so HARD telling people I'm leaving. Not that I'm all that important...or rather, what's hard is when someone I haven't told contacts me.....Sigh...sometimes the people I'm referring to pick on me and it actually hurts my feelings a little bit but just right this minute after having the discussion I just had, I know now that there was never EVER a reason to have hurt feelings. Isn't that magic? They are all gone permanently now.)

Anyway- some of my funnest moments are when I realize that I feel differently about a thing than I had in the past. It usually represents growth, and it makes me happy to see my perspectives changing and evolving.

Another is when things that would have probably upset me before no longer do. Things like broken vehicles, or a broken windshield, or ...things. I seem to be better able to see what's real and what's important. To me, anyway. And it's nice! It's fabulous. I don't get shook at easy.

AND isn't it kind of magical that the hardest thing about leaving my comfy Regis nest is the love that comes from people? I know at least 1 person will be pleased that I'm leaving, and probably others who just don't give a flying shit, but mostly, what's hard is getting those emails/IM's and hearing people say "We are REALLY going to miss you!" or "I can't talk about this because it makes me so sad..." Isn't that ...something? It's just nice to know that the people that I adore and love have fun with me too. *sigh* and NO, I don't want to know what's REALLY going on in their heads. I'm a Leo, for the love of God. Flattery will get you EVERYWHERE. :D

What else can I pull out of my arse for you today?

I think the colon is all clean...so I'm going to go start my practice love letters for my friends here. :D

...AND....the update!

I apparently survived although it was questionable yesterday, wasn't it? Didn't you worry just a little that you were going to hear it on the news that Nicki Hayes died of anticiption? :D Never fear, I am here. And if THAT was going to kill me (and I *was* starting to wonder yesterday!) I would have been dead a lonnnnggg time ago.

Eventually, MFVP came over and let me know he was ready to talk with me. We went into the conference room and he sat down, a little dejected, and said "What can I do for you." It wasn't a question even. :) And I took a big breath, waited a beat and said "It's time for me to go."

And what followed was almost too GOOD to write down. I think I want to keep it for me. He is wonderfully supportive, and not in the "we wanted you out" way. He completely gets me and understands me and I can say that I know that he feels the same way about me that I do about him. I wish there were adequate words that I could use to tell him. He will be the hardest thing about leaving, I think- other than sitting next to my bestie every day. I wish there were a way to keep him.

Then he walked me down to 2 up's office (MFVP is 3 up) so I could tell him, and that was fine. MFVP had said that 2 up would call JJJ and let him know (another reason I love him to pieces), but 2 up wanted me to call him, which was probably the way it should go. MFVP did let me know that he knows "everything"- which I was certain that he did--- he was speaking of my inability to win favor with JJJ--- and I love that he would have, if I'd have asked, done "the job" for me. He is with JJJ now and for the rest of the week in SLC. So I was a nervous wreck, wayyyy worse than at any point in the day, when I had to call JJJ and tell him the good news. Not because I thought he'd be upset- clearly this will be good for him, but because I am scared of him. Must be a trust issue of some sort.

"Hello?"
"Hey JJJ, it's Nicki. Are you busy?"
"Oh, hey. No, now's fine. What's up?"
"Just wanted to let you know that I spoke with MFVP and 2 up today, and I put in my notice."
"OH! You DID?" (honest surprise)
"Yes. I'm sorry I did it while you are away but if I waited til you are back, it would be less than 2 weeks notice and I wanted to be fair. I get to be home with the kids."
"Wow. Okay...."
"If there's anything you can think of that you want me to start working on before you get back, let me know."
"Thanks, and thanks for letting me know."

The end.
It took another hour before I felt hungry again, but I DID eat and it was good. I did NOT sleep much, but it's okay. I need to reconcile a couple of things in my head, esp regarding JJJ. Even if things had been different, if he'd been kinder or easier to work for, I would still have needed to be in the office because it was getting harder to work from home. You've heard this before from me? And even if I didn't work for HIM, but for someone else in the department, I still would miss being with my kids. I have never gotten to JUST BE WITH MY KIDS. This will be a first, and I can't WAIT. So, in the end, my decision isn't JJJ based at all, and I actually should THANK HIM for helping me get enough balls to fly the nest and reach for a dream instead of sitting here at a "perfectly good job" because it's a paycheck. I want to resist the urge to give him any "constructive criticism", which I REALLY have the urge to do because AR won't say anything to him when she's upset by the way he acts. And that happens. I'm way more impulsive than she is. She probably has a better ability to seperate what happens here with her life at home though.
So..anyway...there's the update. I DID IT.
I feel awesome, and I think it's going to be a really good 2.5 weeks. My heart will break a little on September 17th, but on the 20th when I wake up and I don't have to hurry up and punch in and make lunches and get kids ready for school and punch out to go to work...well...I'll smile. And then call AR to say good morning. :D