I! AM! NOT! MY! BODY!!!

UGH but it sure feels like it sometimes!
The anticipation of the appt is BEASTLY. And I don't know why. I need to get out of my head about it. All I keep thinking about is how hard I worked to trust my body, trust my uterus, that the miscarriages were for a reason and that I was thankful that my body works/ed at all. And I felt it, and I mean/t it, and we DID IT! I grew magic, four times over!!!!
So what I should be doing, is just take this for what it is, and let her go.
But I feel like I'm giving up my magic.

Made an appt.

Can you just hear how loud my stupid girl head is? It's so messy in my head, and i get to live with it until my stupid appt which will more than likely leave me in tears one way or another.

So- here's the TMI for the day.
Cycles still all wacked out. More severe pain when I'm trying to enjoy my husband time. And spotting. I just finished my cycle on Sat/Sunday, and there's really no need for this spotting.
I am OVER IT. I am TIRED OF IT. So...what? Will Dr. Hot see me and say "Fine, let's just do this." ? Will he wonder what is causing this? I was just there in the beginning of May, and there were no polyps there yet. I'm hopeful that I can get rid of my junk and move on, and I'm terrified of getting rid of my junk and screwing my screwed up body more.
Tuesday, at 4pm.
Isn't Cullen lucky to get to deal with me until then? Part of me feels like I should just shut up and wait, but I am sick of painful sex!!!!!!!!!!! And spotting afterwards! And pelvic pain. : ( BOOOO. I might need to have a drink tonight. : )

CAN I?!?!?!

This week has been hard on my head. Cullen's uncle is not doing so well- I'm not sure what his prognosis is, but I do know that a healthy kidney, should he have been able to receive one, would have helped him out quite a bit. This, as you heard, made me feel desperate about wanting to donate a kidney NOW- and as I shared that need, I was blocked by blockers who love me and are full of all sorts of logicalness that just slays me. : ) I realized that I will probably not have the blessings to move forward properly until we move in October (if we are going to, I should really know soon!), etc etc.
So- I think- THINK that I dreamed up something and that it's big enough to really need my focus and attention (this helps) and would put good back into the world just the way I freaking NEED TO and feel like the little things I do don't add up to enough. Check me out- there are a couple of options....
I can shoot for the moon right away and weasle my way into/onto a public television station, and make some HAPPY NEWS instead of CRAPPY NEWS- kwim? I can go interview random people who can share good things that have happened to them. I can get someone to buy someone's coffee for them and video tape it secretly. : ) The options are ENDLESS where good things are involved and wouldn't that be the funnest EVER? What could possibly be better than focusing on the good things? I could also do it with my cam, and put it on youtube, but that might take longer to catch on...or not. ? I don't know. I'm considering throwing it out there on facebook to see if anyone has any connections. I don't know the first thing about tv equipment.
Write this down- for the first time in 2 years, since I stopped fighting the Sponge Bob epidemic that hit my house, I just LAUGHED at it.

ITCHY!!!!

I know I've said it before, but I am so damned annoying.
I am so ANTSY!!!!!
I think that I was doing okay until Saturday when we went to Northfield on the way to CJ's soccer tournament (won 1, lost 2). My dream has been (at least until I actually GET IT, HAHAH. I think I'd finally feel...HOME) to live out just a little bit, have some land, some animals, a weeping willow tree, a front porch, a creek running through the back, and enough room for everyone. Which is what we were driving by and it was making me tear up with WANT, and it made me all itchy and restless again.
On the house front, we found a house that we can move into October 1st. : ) It's a half block from the kids' school, has a big ole fenced in backyard, and it's very cute and comfy. So far our plan is to go for it. : ) The couple who owns it is very very sweet, I feel like they'd be really good friends to know. The boys all of the sudden, who have been just as move happy as their mother, realized they will be leaving some friends behind and got a little bit sad. I LOVE a couple of the kids around here and if Julia asks again, I might just let her keep a couple of them. I want to bring Willie and Carlos with us for sure. : ) So it's only July and I'll know this week if we're going to move or not, and once I find out, then I can slowly start taking our stuff and packing it- which is what I do every time and I think it's good for the kids, to see things change little by little.
Will I ever stop being move happy?
Will I ever feel like I'm at HOME?
Will I ever stop feeling so stinkin RESTLESS?!
Will donating a kidney help that?
Will ANYTHING help?
It's like restless leg syndrome, but it's my whole LIFE. I wanna FLY! I want to GO! I want to see stuff! I want to go everywhere and look at everything! I want to eat all sorts of food! I want to smile at all sorts of people! I want to hear all sorts of music! And when I'm tired of that I want to go HOME and feel like I'm at HOME. Can't you see it? I can actually PICTURE my house. I wonder if Cullen sees the same house?
Until then, I guess I have to stay in my real life. And I DO love it. I love my friends and family and the sky and the green grass, and the warmth, and sand, and water, and laughing.
But I'm an itchy girl!

Confession

I can't hold my spider. I'm scared to death. She is so cool- I *think* that just about everyone I know- or at least talk with or email with any regularity will agree that they've all been subjected to endless blabber about Willow. I love her. She's the coolest thing since freezers. She's cool without even trying to be.

But when she moves fast, I about pee my pants.

So I am wanting to clean out her cage. It's early- only needs to be done once every 4 months or so but there are crickets that are dead in there and I need to clean it out and I can't find the crickets.....which means I need to get my spidey into this here container. Right? The girl at the store just scoops them up like nothing. Even when they run fast. SHIT. Me? OH HOLY GOD. I put the container in there and tried to scoop her and she dodged me quickly and I squealed like a fricken pig. Seriously. HOW STUPID. I love her. She's just a glorious tarantula. I'm so irritated at me. UGH. I need to do it and get the HELL OVER IT! ACK!
Maybe I'll try again later. I'll have some free time tonight. HOLD ME!!!

It took almost 8 years....

But, people, I think I can officially say- I AM BACK! I think I'm really, really back! Back to ME! ME! GLORIOUS ME! <----- I'm only kidding about that. I'm just alright. :)

No, really though.
I can't explain and do it justice, what it was like to have babies, newborn babies, be pregnant, nursing...I mean, really- it was the single biggest growing experience I've ever had. I learned instantly that the world doesn't revolve around ME (as I'd been led to believe by my husband, hehe). No, I stopped mattering, except that I needed to be fed, watered and napped occassionally in order to just function to help my babies thrive. It was wonderful and exhausting. So many arguments Cullen and I would have about me being a "poop" and being left out because I didn't want to drink because I was pregnant/nursing/had to wake up with babies all night long and in the morning. Because staying home sounded a hell of a lot funner than going out. How I wish he could have seen that it was only temporary and just let me be instead of making me feel badly. He prefers to go out if I'm with him instead of by himself, bless his heart, but then *I* was a "poop" who didn't want to go out and do anything ever. No, not exactly that- I loved being taken out for a meal I didn't have to cook or clean up, not share my food, and to be able to eat in peace- that was heaven. But "GOING OUT"? Who needs it?
My older sister told me it would come back. "IT" being ME...I would be back. Before kids, my biggest need was to express myself. I needed to be able to be ME and ...be ME.
This past spring, I felt it creeping up. Winter was harder than ever on me and I felt it growing inside of me...that I needed to break the hell out of WINTER and DO SOMETHING. And then I looked around...spring was springing and the kids were just a little older. Even Jordan being 2 felt easier than a newborn. I felt myself wake up again. I looked at me in my yoga pants and tshirt. I looked at my hair, boring. And I FIXED IT. I WOKE UP!
I *THINK* that I'm better now than I was before kids. How could I not be? I do not require the attention that I once did, that's for sure. My emotional baggage is long gone, and in it's place is where I love the kids- another creative expression of myself, but even better because they are THEM! And apparently I must have retained a little bit of myself throughout the journey of little kids because they aren't freaked out at all by...me. I showed them the pictures of the rufuge with me acting like all the animals and they didn't even SMILE. Like it was NORMAL. :) No matter how red I make my hair, they just tell me they like it. Sometimes they ask me to please stop.. "PLEASE" stop dancing, but that's okay. : ) I can own a thought! I can read a book! I can have conversations with the kids! I can be a step ahead of them and not get trampled on by the herd! I AM DOING THIS!!! I'M GOING TO MAKE IT!!!!!!! Of course, these are the golden years when they still like me.......
But- I still exist!! I'm so excited to see that I still exist!!!!! Thank you to all of my friends and family who helped me get through it!

The Wheel In The Sky

First of all, please remember that I'm under the influence of my annoying as hormonally jacked body. :)
I melted down yesterday, trying to pack all of us. We'd been grocery shopping, I'd been doing laundry and juggling children, I'm not sure if Willow is happy, and I melted down. Especially because sometimes- SOMETIMES-I worry that Im doing all this work and we'll go to the cabin and Cullen will hang out with my dad and drink, drink, drink and need to sleep in every day we're gone while I stay responsible and go to bed early so I can get up early with the kids. Sometimes- JUST SOMETIMES- I feel a little bit sad and lonely that he isn't excited to go to the cabin to hang out with ME. I AM worth hanging out with. I don't mind the alone time to be with my thoughts, and I love my mom and aunt and the kids, but sometimes it wouldn't make me feel bad to feel like *I* was his focus. So I freaked out.
And he called me in the middle of it.
He came home and took the kids out while I picked up the house but did nothing exciting except watch So You Think You Can Dance and dreamed of not being a clutsy mess. THEN! He brought his mom to our house, which was so unexpected that it made me bounce with the happies. She is so excited about Willow. Wouldn't you know that she went right over and pet my spider?! She pet it, just like that. She wanted me to hold her, and I almost did, but then I didn't. Today when I go buy her more crickets I'm going to get her to take another one out so I can hold it and practice.: ) For how much I like my spider I shouldn't be so scared. STUPID GIRL! :) Oh well, I own her. One thing at a time.
By the way, is anyone else a little bit concerned about what I'm going to do next? I am. Only kinda. My kidney donation paperwork is ready to go, and I can send it in in the fall, Cullen said. Hopefully knowing that will keep any other crazy idea away.

I suck.

She's on the glass, upside down and I'm too scared.

Out of all the things in the world to be scared about...this?! I'm so irritated with myself. You would laugh if you were here and could see me take the lid off the aqaurium, get within a half inch of touching her back legs to make her move off the glass so I could put my other hand in and get her onto it. Of course, I just get within a half inch of her, worry about waking her up and the lid goes back on. Then I get really mad at me, curse myself out for being a stupid scaredy cat girl and we go through the cycle again.

Stay tuned. I feel another round of abuse coming on. :)

Okay, just a little skeerd....

Facebook hiatus= more blogging blabbering.

The kids are outside.
It's just Willow and I.
I REALLY want to hold her.
I'm a little bit skeerd.
It's going to make me have to poop.
But I think I'm going to go do it.
Hold my hand. OTHER ONE, she's going to be in this one...
here I go.

I'M KING OF THE WORLD. I'll be back.

I ain't skeerd!!!

It started over a year ago. Dan, Deb, Cullen, Shawn, the kids and I were at some "thing" in Farmington where all these vendors came out. The zoo was there and there was a guy holding a tarantula and invited me to pet it. AND I DID. It was soft and silky and I was so proud of myself.
It planted a seed.
Fast forward to a few months ago when my darlingest husband, who knows I have a deep need to have things to love, told me that I can have a pet now. We're ready. The kids are old enough. He didn't want a little wussy dog (as he calls the little ones), and I agreed- I don't want a dog period. I'm pretty sick and tired of cleaning up poop after people other than myself. Not that I go around pooping wherever I want, but you know. I will not miss wiping butts, changing diapers, etc. NO DOG. I wished for a cat, but Cullen won't budge. He did let me once, and I got a couple of ultra naughty barn kitties that I gave away a few days later because they were so incredibly naughty that Cullen would have killed them. No cats. Rabbit? Cullen suggested it, but NO, again, cages to clean, something to feed and water and I just don't want to. Then it occured to me that a spidey wouldn't be hard to take care of.
Did I tell you that I hate spiders?
I used to, anyways.
They creep me out. I don't know why anything needs that many legs or needs to move that fast. Fricken GROSS. I mean, seriously. So what, they eat mosquitos...I still get bit my mosquitos so they aren't eating THAT many.
In fact, it was just a few weeks ago, up at the cabin when I was in the camper and Cullen says to me "DON'T MOVE!" I thought I had a tick on me, so I froze obiediently. He was pulling on the back of my sweatshirt. I was kinda thinking he'd get whatever the hell it was off of me so I could carry on, but instead, he says again "WOW. Don't move!" I didn't want to look but I was starting to feel that icky, icky feeling of having something icky, icky on me. "WHAT IS IT!?" I demanded. "A HUGE SPIDER!" he says. THEN- get this- THEN he turns around and yells to my dad "Hey, Boss! You gotta see this! Come here!" Which sent me directly into GIRL MODE and I started yelling "GET!!!! IT!!!! OFF!!!!! OF!!!! ME!!!!" at the top of my lungs.
He eventually did- and I rethought my brilliant idea of having a tarantula for a pet. That was the very same weekend that I accidentally stumbled upon a garter snake and ran away like a girl mumbling "Can't get a spider. Can't get a spider."
But I got over those things.
My niece Kalene and I went and held a tarantula. It didn't feel like I was holding an enormous spider, but it was slow moving and...kinda...pretty? I knew then i was going to own one.
And now, I do.
I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but her name is Willow and I am in love, big time. It's ridiculous how much I like this thing. I'm totally projecting onto it, I'm sure. I am going to hold her. She even ate crickets for me like a good girl yesterday, so she isn't too nervous about her new home. Watching her eat was totally fascinating too. Watching the crickets liquify and seeing her goggle them up...WOW!!! Today she was cleaning herself and that was cool too. I can't wait til she molts. Sick! I'm telling you, it's SICK. I really, really love her.
You know what the coolest thing in the universe is? How can I ever be afraid of anything ever again when I have a tarantula? The very next time I feel nervous or scared about anything, I will go hold my baby and know that I can do anything- that I want. I should clarify. I can probably climb Mt. Everest, but I just don't want to that.
I have a special baby! And they are so low maintaince it's silly. To know that she's happy if we never hold her, and doesn't care if we do. I LOVE HER.