*takes off WonderWoman cape, throws it to the side*. FINE. Hi, I'm Nicki and I'm a stupid human afterall. : )
But I'm trying!!! Tomorrow is a new day and Cullen- sometimes I have no idea what I'd do without him. There's no one else who has been on the journey of WHACKJOB with me like he has. He's been through this with me. He helped my head so much. Now I just have to overcome this thing, and I KNOW I CAN!!! Tomorrow is new and I'll try again, and I probably won't feel this way.
Cullen's emotional vampire re entered his life tonight. It's frustrating to watch, kinda. I dumped mine when I was pg with Jordan. It was hard, I'd known her since I was very young, but I was done. Cullen hasn't seen his in 6 years. When they were growing up, Cullen was really insecure because of his learning disability. I didn't know him in school, obviously, but some of the stories about how sick he'd be about going to school are heartbreaking. Scotty had been his friend all growing up. Cullen felt like Scotty had it all goin on. He was good looking, everyone liked him, family was great. Cullen loved hanging out with him. In fact, they went to jail together. Idiots. They are lucky they are alive. As Cullen grew up some, he noticed Scott's temper. And he acted a little bit spoiled. Not always so nice to his mom and kinda screwing people over....like Cullen helping him cut a tree down- Scotty got paid $1500 for it- he was only there 1/2 a day. he wanted to give Cullen $300. Or wanting Cullen to help him move to SD. Cullen got there, ready to go, early in the morning. Not only was nothing ready to go, barely packed, but Scott and his wife were having a raging arguement (very volatile relationship) all day long. It was 9pm before Scotty was ready and when Cullen refused to go (YAY BABY!! WAY TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!!) Scotty was pissed. That was the last time they saw eachother. They wanted to get together, but Scotty's got a divorce going on, and kids to put down, etc. So he said he'd call between 7:30 and 8, and they'd meet.
It was 10 before he was ready.
Typical.
But Cullen loves him, for some reason. He knows what he's getting into. He knows he won't get a word in. He knows Scott might need that ear right now anyway. After they eat they are coming back here. YAY. Hells no, my butt will go to BED before they get here. I hope Cullen doesn't put up with any shit.
My head is so very, very tired. Cullen never goes out. NEVER. I mean, he's always working, but he really prefers to be home. I am very happy that he went out, esp because it was so late. But my head...it's soooo tired...and I feel a little bit like I failed today, and I might be willing to pay someone to come play with my hair til I fall asleep, and remind me one more time that THIS is not THAT big of a deal and tomorrow I can try again. THANK GOD IT'S MONDAY. ;) I bet you don't know anyone else who would say that. *waiting for lights to flash and an award to be awarded* *still waiting* *well, damn.*
For the record, I haven't been "lunatic girl" in at least a year. Before the hysterectomy, I was working out and it was messing with me a little bit. This came out of nowhere. *I* was the one who made Cullen fly out of bed to go get it. I was so happy when he got it home. Well all I know is that it's going to be a loud ole Nicki Party when I leap this hurdle, with my cape back on, magic wand in hand, glitter dust following me wherever I go, white go go boots on. : )
For real, Lee Ann Chin has THE best yogurt ANYWHERE. It's like sunshine in a cup, it makes everything better. Don't you love that it was light out til 6pm today? It was such a beautiful weekend.....
If I cry my very pathetic self to sleep here on the couch with the TV on, will you nominate me for a drama grammy award? This shit shouldn't go to waste....
TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!
Dramatic Leo- OUT!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Whew.
SEE? See how I am? I'm okay now. Round 1 with the treadmill didn't go so well but I'm going to be okay. My head is okay again. I'll have some dr pepper and some non pereils and think it over. :)
Eating disorders are THE most fucked up thing EVER! I have NO PROBLEM with food. Just working out.
Stupid.
Dear Universe, please help me to help my kids keep a healthy outlook. Please. I don't want them wrestling with this EVER.
Eating disorders are THE most fucked up thing EVER! I have NO PROBLEM with food. Just working out.
Stupid.
Dear Universe, please help me to help my kids keep a healthy outlook. Please. I don't want them wrestling with this EVER.
WHERE'S MY HELMET?!
fuck!!! i think I might do the fastest turn around ever on a buy.
Seriously.
This is INSANE. This is NUTS! I am NOT that girl! I am NOT eating disordered!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING!??!?! Where is my helmet? I need my helmet to come home. This is not good. It's stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!!
WHAT IS THIS?!
Seriously.
This is INSANE. This is NUTS! I am NOT that girl! I am NOT eating disordered!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING!??!?! Where is my helmet? I need my helmet to come home. This is not good. It's stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!!
WHAT IS THIS?!
Bad language, bad, bad language...
You were warned. In 5 seconds I'm going to stop holding back and I'm only partially responsible for whatever comes out...4.....3.....2.....1
How can it fucking be that i am the MIND SCREW QUEEN. I can talk myself out of being mad or hurt by just about anyone and anything. I change my perspective and it changes everything. It's magic. I am SO good at it! I truly am!!! I can see other people's perspectives that way. I can empathize. I can feel. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I GET OVER NUMBERS??? Why? Why? WHY?!
What is so different about a treadmill being here than at Michelle's? The effort I had to put in to go over there? i need to get a grip FAST. The other stupid thing I did is weigh myself at Cullen's mom's house. shouldn't have. So immediately, I'm thinking of how far I need to to get those few pounds off again, and considering how far we're going to walk at the bass ponds and NO! NO! NO!!! I'm doing this NOT to lose weight. NO! I'm doing this because I'm going to have major surgery again and I want to heal quicker. That's all! When i'm duty again all by myself at 3 weeks, I don't want to cry my way through the day. It isn't about my stupid weight! It isn't about it!!! MY STUPID FUCKING GIRL HEAD!!!!
But- do you know what? The time is NOW. This is it. It's HERE. Staring me in the face. The time is NOW to kill this fucking beast. Can I do it? I mean, OF COURSE I can, but CAN I?! I think I can because I have the kidney surgery. And hopefully after the surgery I will want ot keep being healthy just to be nice to my body.
WTF?!
Do you think it'll work if I plan to run a certain distance a certain amount of times a week? Is that how I can do this without fucking freaking?! 3 miles, 3 times a week. 4 times a week? What's good? i have no idea. All I know is that i've had the thing for one second, and because it's HERE in my HOUSE, right THERE...already the ugly voices are trying to get through. I shouldn't have weighed myself! It doesn't matter! It doesn't fucking MATTER!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to win, goddamnit. I'm so over this.
WHEW.
Okay. going to go run again and get a grip.
Cherry Vodka is good, if you wondered. Jamie- you'll need to come have some later.
How can it fucking be that i am the MIND SCREW QUEEN. I can talk myself out of being mad or hurt by just about anyone and anything. I change my perspective and it changes everything. It's magic. I am SO good at it! I truly am!!! I can see other people's perspectives that way. I can empathize. I can feel. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I GET OVER NUMBERS??? Why? Why? WHY?!
What is so different about a treadmill being here than at Michelle's? The effort I had to put in to go over there? i need to get a grip FAST. The other stupid thing I did is weigh myself at Cullen's mom's house. shouldn't have. So immediately, I'm thinking of how far I need to to get those few pounds off again, and considering how far we're going to walk at the bass ponds and NO! NO! NO!!! I'm doing this NOT to lose weight. NO! I'm doing this because I'm going to have major surgery again and I want to heal quicker. That's all! When i'm duty again all by myself at 3 weeks, I don't want to cry my way through the day. It isn't about my stupid weight! It isn't about it!!! MY STUPID FUCKING GIRL HEAD!!!!
But- do you know what? The time is NOW. This is it. It's HERE. Staring me in the face. The time is NOW to kill this fucking beast. Can I do it? I mean, OF COURSE I can, but CAN I?! I think I can because I have the kidney surgery. And hopefully after the surgery I will want ot keep being healthy just to be nice to my body.
WTF?!
Do you think it'll work if I plan to run a certain distance a certain amount of times a week? Is that how I can do this without fucking freaking?! 3 miles, 3 times a week. 4 times a week? What's good? i have no idea. All I know is that i've had the thing for one second, and because it's HERE in my HOUSE, right THERE...already the ugly voices are trying to get through. I shouldn't have weighed myself! It doesn't matter! It doesn't fucking MATTER!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to win, goddamnit. I'm so over this.
WHEW.
Okay. going to go run again and get a grip.
Cherry Vodka is good, if you wondered. Jamie- you'll need to come have some later.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Junior
Dear CJ,
As you get older, I'm sure you are noticing some things, such as me saying to so some things you want to watch or do because it isn't appropriate for the younger kids. Sometimes you might also feel like our decisions for you don't make sense. You might feel mad at your dad or me sometimes. My promise to you is that I will hear your side and your ideas. Many times we'll be able to compromise, like we do now. But you need to promise us that you will try your best to understand that sometimes we will say no to you anyway, and in those times it's for your higher good that maybe we can see but you cannot. Deal? We will also try to give you age appropriate experiences, away from your younger siblings too. I love you and I love your heart. I love seeing Who You Are. Thank you for everything you have taught me and continue to teach me. Mom
(I already gave him this)
By the way, I've cleaned the livingroom, done another load of laundry, fed the kids lunch and am about to clean the kitchen floor. I know it looks like I do nothing but sit here all day. I don't have a complex about it. At all. HAHAHAH!
As you get older, I'm sure you are noticing some things, such as me saying to so some things you want to watch or do because it isn't appropriate for the younger kids. Sometimes you might also feel like our decisions for you don't make sense. You might feel mad at your dad or me sometimes. My promise to you is that I will hear your side and your ideas. Many times we'll be able to compromise, like we do now. But you need to promise us that you will try your best to understand that sometimes we will say no to you anyway, and in those times it's for your higher good that maybe we can see but you cannot. Deal? We will also try to give you age appropriate experiences, away from your younger siblings too. I love you and I love your heart. I love seeing Who You Are. Thank you for everything you have taught me and continue to teach me. Mom
(I already gave him this)
By the way, I've cleaned the livingroom, done another load of laundry, fed the kids lunch and am about to clean the kitchen floor. I know it looks like I do nothing but sit here all day. I don't have a complex about it. At all. HAHAHAH!
Magnets
Ever get one little owie somewhere, doesn't matter where...and then you CAN'T stop hitting it on every damned thing you walk by for the next 3 days? Irritating.
6 kids downstairs.
It's not even loud.
I still can't ever see having 6 kids. I want to pay lots of attention to the 4 I have. They deserve it. I found this thing at...where the hell were we? I don't know, it was some second hand store in Burnsville, it's like a fricken garage sale. It is this tin, full of pieces of paper with questions on it. It's called "family talk". Isn't that brilliant? There are questions that are too old for the kids right now but lots of them are perfect for right now. "What should you do if you see another child being hurt?" and "What would you like a friend to do if they saw you were being hurt?" and "What things are not okay for an adult to do/say to you?" all these things that open the lines of communication. It rocks. It was .60. :)
It looks beautiful out. We're going for a walk down at the bass ponds later after Cullen wakes up. Today is okay, but I am SO TIRED of always being on duty. I shouldn't whine, I know, but deal with it for a minute. Last night I decided to hit the grocery store so that I didn't have to do it today. I have 4 really good kids, but even so, can I tell you how exhausting it is to try to think of what we need while listening to 4 kids chatter endlessly about what *they* want, and things they remember that I need to buy, and WHACK, Josh smacks CJ's butt, ensueing a GET YOU BACK attack...
So we got Taco Bell for dinner. And then they played. Julia and Jordan had a sleep over in CJ and Josh's room. I clocked out mentally at 7:30 and was Yelly Mom a little bit from the sheer exhaustion of being on duty non stop. The kids finally went to bed at 10.
And i felt better.
Then Cullen came home and we were up til 12:30.I felt much better.
7:13am. The monkeys, who are in the room directly below my bedroom (this is going ot be a huge problem before too long, hahah) are HOLLERING SCREECH MONKEYS. After 10 minutes of it, I stomped on the floor loudly to warn them to zip it.
Didn't work.
Yelly mommy made a reappearance, and Josh came to lay in bed with me while I finished waking up SLOWLY.
2 hair cuts, 2 loads of laundry, one batch of pancakes and one nasty toilet scrubbing later (sitting down to pee for boys isn't such a bad idea afterwall...)....here we are! Cullen came home with a Caribou Coffee for me, and in about another 5 minutes, I'll be in fastforward. lallalalalalalallalala!
There's an albino squirrel outside. she's so pretty!
ZOOM! It's coming! It's coming! It's coming!
WHHHHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
6 kids downstairs.
It's not even loud.
I still can't ever see having 6 kids. I want to pay lots of attention to the 4 I have. They deserve it. I found this thing at...where the hell were we? I don't know, it was some second hand store in Burnsville, it's like a fricken garage sale. It is this tin, full of pieces of paper with questions on it. It's called "family talk". Isn't that brilliant? There are questions that are too old for the kids right now but lots of them are perfect for right now. "What should you do if you see another child being hurt?" and "What would you like a friend to do if they saw you were being hurt?" and "What things are not okay for an adult to do/say to you?" all these things that open the lines of communication. It rocks. It was .60. :)
It looks beautiful out. We're going for a walk down at the bass ponds later after Cullen wakes up. Today is okay, but I am SO TIRED of always being on duty. I shouldn't whine, I know, but deal with it for a minute. Last night I decided to hit the grocery store so that I didn't have to do it today. I have 4 really good kids, but even so, can I tell you how exhausting it is to try to think of what we need while listening to 4 kids chatter endlessly about what *they* want, and things they remember that I need to buy, and WHACK, Josh smacks CJ's butt, ensueing a GET YOU BACK attack...
So we got Taco Bell for dinner. And then they played. Julia and Jordan had a sleep over in CJ and Josh's room. I clocked out mentally at 7:30 and was Yelly Mom a little bit from the sheer exhaustion of being on duty non stop. The kids finally went to bed at 10.
And i felt better.
Then Cullen came home and we were up til 12:30.I felt much better.
7:13am. The monkeys, who are in the room directly below my bedroom (this is going ot be a huge problem before too long, hahah) are HOLLERING SCREECH MONKEYS. After 10 minutes of it, I stomped on the floor loudly to warn them to zip it.
Didn't work.
Yelly mommy made a reappearance, and Josh came to lay in bed with me while I finished waking up SLOWLY.
2 hair cuts, 2 loads of laundry, one batch of pancakes and one nasty toilet scrubbing later (sitting down to pee for boys isn't such a bad idea afterwall...)....here we are! Cullen came home with a Caribou Coffee for me, and in about another 5 minutes, I'll be in fastforward. lallalalalalalallalala!
There's an albino squirrel outside. she's so pretty!
ZOOM! It's coming! It's coming! It's coming!
WHHHHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Friday, February 26, 2010
LALALA Last one for the night.
Hi, Jamie. HAHAHHA! I know you're up! I know you're reading me! :)
I did something last night that was really scary for me. REALLY SCARY! I was being impulsive and I had to purge my head, but I didn't do it on here. I kinda wanted to know how what I was purging would be seen so I did send it to someone. Part of it was maybe a dare? "I dare you to read this thing that might make you want to judge me. Would make some people really judge me. Can you take it?" Truly, I'd almost rather take my clothes off than risk The Judgement. But it's always really good when you find someone that you trust enough to LET THEM JUDGE YOU if they are going to. Yes? That's pretty big. Another part of it might have been a little "Will you go through it with me?" When you read or watch something, if you're open, you will inadvertantly experience what you're reading through the person it happened to. It's the magic of us all kinda being the same. The beauty of empathy. It's what bonds us together. Although the things I went through back then OBVIOUSLY affected people around me, everyone around me, I don't recall anyone actually HOLDING *MY* HAND THROUGH IT. And do you know what? It's not too late, turns out. Isn't that weird? To know that someone can feel what you felt and would have made it better if they could ...it still counts, today, a million miles from the time that was. Isn't that magic? The me of me from back then isn't alone, wasn't alone because I shared her with someone now, and they held her hand and hugged her heart.
And THEN, if that weren't a big enough kiss from the world, MFN (my favorite neighbor) completely enlightened me tonight too. Can't you see me glowing from there with my enlightenment????!!! Hi, I'm Nicki! You might not recognize me with my newest brain cells firing away like they are...DUCK! Sorry, sparks flying everywhere!
Wouldn't it be fun if someday all the people we love could see just how much of a difference they make? I think it'd be fun to stand next to my friends and watch their faces as they see how the things they have done and do affect so many more people (in positive ways) than they could even guess. BIG!
YAY for Whose Line Is It Anyway. Funniest show EVER!!!
I did something last night that was really scary for me. REALLY SCARY! I was being impulsive and I had to purge my head, but I didn't do it on here. I kinda wanted to know how what I was purging would be seen so I did send it to someone. Part of it was maybe a dare? "I dare you to read this thing that might make you want to judge me. Would make some people really judge me. Can you take it?" Truly, I'd almost rather take my clothes off than risk The Judgement. But it's always really good when you find someone that you trust enough to LET THEM JUDGE YOU if they are going to. Yes? That's pretty big. Another part of it might have been a little "Will you go through it with me?" When you read or watch something, if you're open, you will inadvertantly experience what you're reading through the person it happened to. It's the magic of us all kinda being the same. The beauty of empathy. It's what bonds us together. Although the things I went through back then OBVIOUSLY affected people around me, everyone around me, I don't recall anyone actually HOLDING *MY* HAND THROUGH IT. And do you know what? It's not too late, turns out. Isn't that weird? To know that someone can feel what you felt and would have made it better if they could ...it still counts, today, a million miles from the time that was. Isn't that magic? The me of me from back then isn't alone, wasn't alone because I shared her with someone now, and they held her hand and hugged her heart.
And THEN, if that weren't a big enough kiss from the world, MFN (my favorite neighbor) completely enlightened me tonight too. Can't you see me glowing from there with my enlightenment????!!! Hi, I'm Nicki! You might not recognize me with my newest brain cells firing away like they are...DUCK! Sorry, sparks flying everywhere!
Wouldn't it be fun if someday all the people we love could see just how much of a difference they make? I think it'd be fun to stand next to my friends and watch their faces as they see how the things they have done and do affect so many more people (in positive ways) than they could even guess. BIG!
YAY for Whose Line Is It Anyway. Funniest show EVER!!!
I LOVE TIFFANY
How many years ago was it...Josh was in preschool, and was 3 years old. So 3 years ago. Got it? We're in Farmington, and I am way more familar with the moms of the kids in CJ's class than Josh's. Dallas and I get along right away really well. I miss her. If I could remember her last name..
There was a mom there that was pretty...different. Seemed wild. Had a very tall boyfriend. She wore trench coats and had wild hair. She seemed very lively. She chatted with us, and sometimes had another one of her children with her, a little girl. Turns out she was much older than she looked, but she has a disease. Forgive me for not remembering what it is. I can't BELIEVE I can't remember...
Anyway, Lani, the other mom, eventually opened up and told us about the struggle they were facing. She had 3 kids, and Arrian, her daughter, was very ill. The disease won't allow Arrian to make it to adulthood, and their insurance company wasn't going to pay for an experimental treatment that had potental to save her life. It would use Arrian's own stem cells to try to regenerate healthy ones. they'd kill everything in her, and replace some of the healthy ones, in hopes they'd reproduce more healthy ones. The fact that insurance wouldn't cover it was devastating.
Dallas and I are of like mind and it took us exactly 30 seconds of being horrified, listening, to look at eachother and say "Oh yeah, we got this!"
I've never done a fundraiser before and I can't say that I'd want to do one again- that shit is EXHAUSTING. It's worth it, but it's so much more work than we guessed. 3 of us took it on- 4 if you count Cullen who was our Stuff Getter from companies for the silent auction.
ANYWAYS- it was a the fundraiser that I met Tiffany. She is Arrian's aunt. Sort of. Arrian's older brother is actually her nephew, but she's always treated all of the kids as her own nieces and nephews. She has a presence, Tiffany does. I noticed her immediately, and her mom too. I don't know how to describe it, except that you can FEEL them before you see them almost. BIG presences!
There would have been no reason for us to be connected again after that, except that Arrian went septic one night, and almost died. Lani needed somewhere for Ty to go, her 5 year old. That story is worth telling to- this child had been sexually molested for 3 of his 5years, and I had NO IDEA what the HELL I was getting into by taking him in....but as it was, Tiffany was my main contact while Lani juggled Arrian and getting her hair done. OH, turns out she was pregnant too. Lani=mess. Tiffany and her mom are the clean up crew. There is nothing they haven't done, nothing they won't do for them. Right this minute, Tiff's mom has custody of the oldest child (their blood connection) because Lani tried to kill herself. There are exactly 2 people that I know who make my head dizzy when I think of them because they are such a mess. Lani is one of them. I can't fit my brain around her.
And here are these two absolutely beautiful souls who never ever wash their hands and walk away. And THANK GOD. Those kids need them in ways bigger than me. They are the ONLY source of stability and safety and love that they have. I am honored to know such giving, caring people. I know the burden is enormous on them. It's one of love, but it's heavy and hard to carry anyway.
In your life story, you know how there are some people who are off in the background? You see them only occassionally, speak to them about as often...but they remain there? They aren't the ones who drop away? You feel good after talking to them or seeing them, uplifted and happy? That's my Tiffany. I love her from afar. I love her heart, so very much. And her mom's too. The other day I had an email from her that blew me away, *she* was loving on *me* !!!! It's so funny. OH OH OH! What's the phrase from that song? You never know just how you look in other people's eyes...... guess it's true.
She did a benefit too,as if everything else she does isn't enough. Beautiful life in that girl. I want such good things for her. And YAY ME! I get to see her and her mom, tomorrow night. It'll be a love fest. Can't WAIT!
There was a mom there that was pretty...different. Seemed wild. Had a very tall boyfriend. She wore trench coats and had wild hair. She seemed very lively. She chatted with us, and sometimes had another one of her children with her, a little girl. Turns out she was much older than she looked, but she has a disease. Forgive me for not remembering what it is. I can't BELIEVE I can't remember...
Anyway, Lani, the other mom, eventually opened up and told us about the struggle they were facing. She had 3 kids, and Arrian, her daughter, was very ill. The disease won't allow Arrian to make it to adulthood, and their insurance company wasn't going to pay for an experimental treatment that had potental to save her life. It would use Arrian's own stem cells to try to regenerate healthy ones. they'd kill everything in her, and replace some of the healthy ones, in hopes they'd reproduce more healthy ones. The fact that insurance wouldn't cover it was devastating.
Dallas and I are of like mind and it took us exactly 30 seconds of being horrified, listening, to look at eachother and say "Oh yeah, we got this!"
I've never done a fundraiser before and I can't say that I'd want to do one again- that shit is EXHAUSTING. It's worth it, but it's so much more work than we guessed. 3 of us took it on- 4 if you count Cullen who was our Stuff Getter from companies for the silent auction.
ANYWAYS- it was a the fundraiser that I met Tiffany. She is Arrian's aunt. Sort of. Arrian's older brother is actually her nephew, but she's always treated all of the kids as her own nieces and nephews. She has a presence, Tiffany does. I noticed her immediately, and her mom too. I don't know how to describe it, except that you can FEEL them before you see them almost. BIG presences!
There would have been no reason for us to be connected again after that, except that Arrian went septic one night, and almost died. Lani needed somewhere for Ty to go, her 5 year old. That story is worth telling to- this child had been sexually molested for 3 of his 5years, and I had NO IDEA what the HELL I was getting into by taking him in....but as it was, Tiffany was my main contact while Lani juggled Arrian and getting her hair done. OH, turns out she was pregnant too. Lani=mess. Tiffany and her mom are the clean up crew. There is nothing they haven't done, nothing they won't do for them. Right this minute, Tiff's mom has custody of the oldest child (their blood connection) because Lani tried to kill herself. There are exactly 2 people that I know who make my head dizzy when I think of them because they are such a mess. Lani is one of them. I can't fit my brain around her.
And here are these two absolutely beautiful souls who never ever wash their hands and walk away. And THANK GOD. Those kids need them in ways bigger than me. They are the ONLY source of stability and safety and love that they have. I am honored to know such giving, caring people. I know the burden is enormous on them. It's one of love, but it's heavy and hard to carry anyway.
In your life story, you know how there are some people who are off in the background? You see them only occassionally, speak to them about as often...but they remain there? They aren't the ones who drop away? You feel good after talking to them or seeing them, uplifted and happy? That's my Tiffany. I love her from afar. I love her heart, so very much. And her mom's too. The other day I had an email from her that blew me away, *she* was loving on *me* !!!! It's so funny. OH OH OH! What's the phrase from that song? You never know just how you look in other people's eyes...... guess it's true.
She did a benefit too,as if everything else she does isn't enough. Beautiful life in that girl. I want such good things for her. And YAY ME! I get to see her and her mom, tomorrow night. It'll be a love fest. Can't WAIT!
Mirena
HAHAHAHAHA! Have you seen this commercial? "Mirena is so great!" and then you get a full 2 minutes of all the horrible possible side effects. I mean, that's not so uncommon, but this one was terrible!
I almost bought a Cosmo today. Or was it Glamour? Whatever one Carrie Underwood is on. I LOVE her red dress. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! That's not why I was going to buy it. I was going to buy it so I could go through it and see all the fakeness, and laugh at all the stupid articles on how to have the best sex of your life and how to get whatever you want all the time. I didn't. I resisted.
It's spring time soon. I have a swimsuit. It's all right. It's red on top and black on the bottom, and I love red. And I look just fine in it. I should be saying that with happiness, but I'm saying it in the most bored Nicki voice ever. Because I want to be CUTE in a suit! I know, I know, I know. I'm sure I'm perfectly adorable in the one I have. I know. I wrestle the beast- the Swim Suit beast. I want a CUTE suit! For who? What does it matter? It's pretty irritating that I am aware that no matter what suit I put on, I'm going to find plenty of things "wrong" with me. That's THOROUGHLY irritating. Especially because there's no one to impress except for me, you know? It's not like I'm going to the pool to pick up boys. And it's not like I don't look pretty damned good for 4 kids in 5 years anyway. silly. I'm going to Kohls tomorrow, and perhaps the Suit Gods will be smiling on me, and it will work out. Or not. We're going to find out!
Tomorrow night we are going out to eat with Tiffany and her mom. I actually owe Tiffany her own page. Let's go do that now!
I almost bought a Cosmo today. Or was it Glamour? Whatever one Carrie Underwood is on. I LOVE her red dress. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! That's not why I was going to buy it. I was going to buy it so I could go through it and see all the fakeness, and laugh at all the stupid articles on how to have the best sex of your life and how to get whatever you want all the time. I didn't. I resisted.
It's spring time soon. I have a swimsuit. It's all right. It's red on top and black on the bottom, and I love red. And I look just fine in it. I should be saying that with happiness, but I'm saying it in the most bored Nicki voice ever. Because I want to be CUTE in a suit! I know, I know, I know. I'm sure I'm perfectly adorable in the one I have. I know. I wrestle the beast- the Swim Suit beast. I want a CUTE suit! For who? What does it matter? It's pretty irritating that I am aware that no matter what suit I put on, I'm going to find plenty of things "wrong" with me. That's THOROUGHLY irritating. Especially because there's no one to impress except for me, you know? It's not like I'm going to the pool to pick up boys. And it's not like I don't look pretty damned good for 4 kids in 5 years anyway. silly. I'm going to Kohls tomorrow, and perhaps the Suit Gods will be smiling on me, and it will work out. Or not. We're going to find out!
Tomorrow night we are going out to eat with Tiffany and her mom. I actually owe Tiffany her own page. Let's go do that now!
Sometimes it's just too good...
Rain King
When I think of heaven (Deliver me in a black-winged bird)
I think of flying down into a sea of pens and feathers
and all other instruments of faith and sex and God
In the belly of a black-winged bird
Don't try to feed me
I've been here before and I deserve a little more
I belong in the service of the Queen I belong anywhere but in between
She's been crying I've been thinking And I am the Rain King
Mama, why am I so alone?
I can't go outside
I'm scared I might not make it home
I'm alive but I'm sinking in
If there's anyone at home at your place
Why don't you invite me in
Don't try to bleed me
I've been there before and I deserve a little more
I belong in the service of the Queen
I belong anywhere but in between
She's been lying
I've been sinking
And I am the Rain King
Hey, I only want the same as anyone
Henderson is waiting for the sun
Oh, it seems night endlessly begins and ends
After all the dreaming I come home again...
When I think of heaven (Deliver me in a black-winged bird)
I think of dying Lay me down in a field of flame and heather
Render up my body into the burning heart of God in the belly of a black-winged bird
Don't try to bleed me
I've been here before and I deserve a little more
I belong in the service of the Queen
I belong anywhere but in between
She's been dying
I been drinking and I am the Rain King.
When I think of heaven (Deliver me in a black-winged bird)
I think of flying down into a sea of pens and feathers
and all other instruments of faith and sex and God
In the belly of a black-winged bird
Don't try to feed me
I've been here before and I deserve a little more
I belong in the service of the Queen I belong anywhere but in between
She's been crying I've been thinking And I am the Rain King
Mama, why am I so alone?
I can't go outside
I'm scared I might not make it home
I'm alive but I'm sinking in
If there's anyone at home at your place
Why don't you invite me in
Don't try to bleed me
I've been there before and I deserve a little more
I belong in the service of the Queen
I belong anywhere but in between
She's been lying
I've been sinking
And I am the Rain King
Hey, I only want the same as anyone
Henderson is waiting for the sun
Oh, it seems night endlessly begins and ends
After all the dreaming I come home again...
When I think of heaven (Deliver me in a black-winged bird)
I think of dying Lay me down in a field of flame and heather
Render up my body into the burning heart of God in the belly of a black-winged bird
Don't try to bleed me
I've been here before and I deserve a little more
I belong in the service of the Queen
I belong anywhere but in between
She's been dying
I been drinking and I am the Rain King.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I wonder...
Post #435 today. Lord.
I wonder if we all told all of our secrets, ALL of them...would we still like eachother?
I think we would. I think we'd probably all have many of the *same* kinds of secrets and we'd empathize with eachother and we'd all feel really liberated.
However, I'm not telling my secrets. I was just sayin'. hahahahha! Think about it...what would be on your list? What's the fear that keeps you from telling people? Being judged? Don't the people who really know you REALLY know you though? Is judgement from people you know worse, or from people who don't know you? The people who make a decision without knowing a thing about you except for what they just found out about? Who would stand by you, knowing every last horrible secret?
I wonder if we all told all of our secrets, ALL of them...would we still like eachother?
I think we would. I think we'd probably all have many of the *same* kinds of secrets and we'd empathize with eachother and we'd all feel really liberated.
However, I'm not telling my secrets. I was just sayin'. hahahahha! Think about it...what would be on your list? What's the fear that keeps you from telling people? Being judged? Don't the people who really know you REALLY know you though? Is judgement from people you know worse, or from people who don't know you? The people who make a decision without knowing a thing about you except for what they just found out about? Who would stand by you, knowing every last horrible secret?
Leaping over the communication barrier
I LOVE THIS so much.
Across the street lives Chuck, Marybell, her parents and Chuckie and Samantha- the 2 kids.
Marybell and her parents are from the Phillipenes.
They speak that language. Marybell is fluent in English, her parents are not. They speak very little Englis (and they are adorable and I love them), but understand much more of it.
This doesn't faze the kids at all. They love going over there to play even when it's just the grandparents over there. Chuckies grandma braided Julia's hair. In fact, the kids understand them better than we do probably.
I think that's the coolest thing in the world. It doesn't make a bit of a difference to the kids.
Aren't they cool?
Across the street lives Chuck, Marybell, her parents and Chuckie and Samantha- the 2 kids.
Marybell and her parents are from the Phillipenes.
They speak that language. Marybell is fluent in English, her parents are not. They speak very little Englis (and they are adorable and I love them), but understand much more of it.
This doesn't faze the kids at all. They love going over there to play even when it's just the grandparents over there. Chuckies grandma braided Julia's hair. In fact, the kids understand them better than we do probably.
I think that's the coolest thing in the world. It doesn't make a bit of a difference to the kids.
Aren't they cool?
Oh, to have a menstrual cycle
I totally don't miss it. Not at all. I have never once wished I could bleed again.:) BUT- I have to say that it's very confusing, or maybe it's good for me...to wonder if things I am noticing are cycle related.
When one of your senses is gone, the others are heightened, right? I can't tell if I'm ovulating or if it's a cyst. I can't tell if I'm just restless and unsatisfied in my day to day or if I'm premenstrual. Was it Cullen reminding me how "good" I have it and that I shouldn't complain? Was it that it's sunny out but I'm stuck here in case a salon needs to cry about some damages? Is it that people are fickle- SOME people are fickle? Is it that I'm stuck waiting for surgery? Are you tired of hearing that yet? I can't plan anything BIG anytime soon, I don't know when to schedule our anniversary for, blah blah blah. I notice that at certain times I am MUCH more aware of the people who are around. I'm all Joey How YOU Doin', and it occured to me that that's probably cycle related too. I'm not that way right now, but I noticed it last week or so.
The nice kid at the gas station always covers the change that I owe if it's under 20 cents, isn't that nice? No, this isn't the one that I think is so very cute, it's a different one. That had nothing to do with anything cept maybe I just need to climb out of my head and go focus on someone else . Or maybe not. I'll go throw more shit away. I've got the kids' thing cleaned OUT. Hope they don't freak. And I deleted what I had for my "book". F*ck it. If I'm not writing it for anyone but me, and I don't even want anyone else to read it, what's the point? Cullen would hate reading it. And then I'll go do some defriending on fb. And kick a dog. HAHAHHAHAHA!!!
PMS? unnecessarily crabby bitch? Take your pick.
When one of your senses is gone, the others are heightened, right? I can't tell if I'm ovulating or if it's a cyst. I can't tell if I'm just restless and unsatisfied in my day to day or if I'm premenstrual. Was it Cullen reminding me how "good" I have it and that I shouldn't complain? Was it that it's sunny out but I'm stuck here in case a salon needs to cry about some damages? Is it that people are fickle- SOME people are fickle? Is it that I'm stuck waiting for surgery? Are you tired of hearing that yet? I can't plan anything BIG anytime soon, I don't know when to schedule our anniversary for, blah blah blah. I notice that at certain times I am MUCH more aware of the people who are around. I'm all Joey How YOU Doin', and it occured to me that that's probably cycle related too. I'm not that way right now, but I noticed it last week or so.
The nice kid at the gas station always covers the change that I owe if it's under 20 cents, isn't that nice? No, this isn't the one that I think is so very cute, it's a different one. That had nothing to do with anything cept maybe I just need to climb out of my head and go focus on someone else . Or maybe not. I'll go throw more shit away. I've got the kids' thing cleaned OUT. Hope they don't freak. And I deleted what I had for my "book". F*ck it. If I'm not writing it for anyone but me, and I don't even want anyone else to read it, what's the point? Cullen would hate reading it. And then I'll go do some defriending on fb. And kick a dog. HAHAHHAHAHA!!!
PMS? unnecessarily crabby bitch? Take your pick.
Can't make me, nah nah nah nah nah!
Okay, I'm done. Today I just decided that I am done holding on to "friends" who probably aren't really friends. You know the ones...the ones that seem to like you, but very rarely check in with you. Like if you want to know how they are doing, you need to contact them to find out becuase otherwise you'd never hear from them? I feel like I do a pretty good job of keeping up with people that I love. I'm letting go of the people that don't do the same. I almost feel lighter already. I'll test my theory and defriend a couple and see if they notice. If they do and they come back, I'm not accepting.
I'm watching Michael Hutchinson sing Disappear. Did he mean to die? Did anyone tell us if he meant to or not? I hope he didn't. Look at all those people loving him. Is it ever enough? How come people like Kurt Cobain....well, that was drugs. Boy we screw ourselves up, don't we? I was thinking that it's crazy how alone we feel sometimes when we're surrounded...somehow it never matters how many people are loving us, we still feel empty or lonely. But drugs make it worse, a million trillion times worse.
I was just feeling like I don't belong anywhere again. I don't know where it comes from, or why that feeling happens, but instead, I think I'm going to curl up with MH and let him sing to me over and over and over and over. :) Til my babies come home anyways. They get sick of this song a lot faster than I do. heheh
I'm watching Michael Hutchinson sing Disappear. Did he mean to die? Did anyone tell us if he meant to or not? I hope he didn't. Look at all those people loving him. Is it ever enough? How come people like Kurt Cobain....well, that was drugs. Boy we screw ourselves up, don't we? I was thinking that it's crazy how alone we feel sometimes when we're surrounded...somehow it never matters how many people are loving us, we still feel empty or lonely. But drugs make it worse, a million trillion times worse.
I was just feeling like I don't belong anywhere again. I don't know where it comes from, or why that feeling happens, but instead, I think I'm going to curl up with MH and let him sing to me over and over and over and over. :) Til my babies come home anyways. They get sick of this song a lot faster than I do. heheh
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I! Am! Having! A! Moment!
What is it today?!
All this old garbage coming back, feels like. Where the old stuff reminds me of what I've done and where I've been. And I have to just let it be, because it's what was.
Then I look at ultrasounds of babies becuase my friend is freaking out about her ultrasound at 15 weeks, that maybe it's not REALLY a girl because it's early and without even freaking THINKING ABOUT IT...I see a 14 week ultrasound and it was clearly a boy and BAM! I'm in Mexico losing my sweet baby that I just SAW on the ultrasound, kicking and moving around, my 14 week baby, couldn't speak spanish, scared out of my mind, wanting to be home, and wanting not to see Cullen's helpless tears...WTF is it today?! Where does this come from?
I have my babies. I still think if I hadn't lost it there it would have been here, much, much further along. And it doesn't help much.
UGH. Well, maybe I'll see if I can run today. Maybe it will help.
Even after Tuesday, the calendar says W T F.
All this old garbage coming back, feels like. Where the old stuff reminds me of what I've done and where I've been. And I have to just let it be, because it's what was.
Then I look at ultrasounds of babies becuase my friend is freaking out about her ultrasound at 15 weeks, that maybe it's not REALLY a girl because it's early and without even freaking THINKING ABOUT IT...I see a 14 week ultrasound and it was clearly a boy and BAM! I'm in Mexico losing my sweet baby that I just SAW on the ultrasound, kicking and moving around, my 14 week baby, couldn't speak spanish, scared out of my mind, wanting to be home, and wanting not to see Cullen's helpless tears...WTF is it today?! Where does this come from?
I have my babies. I still think if I hadn't lost it there it would have been here, much, much further along. And it doesn't help much.
UGH. Well, maybe I'll see if I can run today. Maybe it will help.
Even after Tuesday, the calendar says W T F.
Chocolate, desecrated
Who the hell came up with the brilliant idea to make chocolate sugar free? That is the biggest load of crap I've ever seen.
CJ grabbed some Hershey's chocolate syrup off the shelf becuase that was their "treat", and he grabbed the sugar free kind. It looks the same so Cullen didn't notice.
This is barely passable as chocolate. This is even more artifical than the artificialness that it was to begin with. This is HORRID.
Unacceptable.
CJ grabbed some Hershey's chocolate syrup off the shelf becuase that was their "treat", and he grabbed the sugar free kind. It looks the same so Cullen didn't notice.
This is barely passable as chocolate. This is even more artifical than the artificialness that it was to begin with. This is HORRID.
Unacceptable.
Who's he looking at?
Sometimes I feel like the task at hand is larger than I even have a chance at tackling. Like I can try as hard as I can and it'll all be for nothing anyways. Know why? Because I have a daughter. I have one gloriously wild, absolutely female, tough as nails daughter. Right now her self esteem is optimum. When I say "You are SO beautiful" she says "I know, thank you." And I LOVE IT. She can conquer the world and right NOW she knows that.
But in 2 more years, she will start being someone other than with me more than she's with me. This is traumatic for me. Lots of parents go through this when their babies are 6-12 weeks old and they put them in daycare so they can go to work again. She will be surrounded by her "friends" and ideas from them-and certainly not all of them will have self esteem worth holding on to at the time. I can only hope that what is in there now has been cemented in, firmly, and can't be shaken.
We girls grow up with so much shit bombarding us, it's ridiculous. If it isn't the women in the magazines who are flawless and skinny, then it's the TV where we get to see it again, but this time in real life, moving and talking. It does nothing for men, either, because it would seem that men WANT THIS. Have you watched a man in public? Oh, he's looking. Not that he SHOULDN'T be, but it's who he's looking at, and how. People watching is probably in my top 5, but I'm not checking out who's skinny or pretty. Men are visual creatures. How are we suposed to compete with perfection? Have you seen the movies? Okay, some movies feature someone "real" and they are called chubby or fat or there's a news story about how they had to gain 25 pounds to be in it. What have we done?
And what's crazy is that most girls honestly don't see themselves correctly. We would literally draw a completely different picture than what's real. I learned that in treatment. It was the very first time that I saw it with my own two eyes. I was much smaller when I laid inside the picture I'd drawn. So ever since then I try as hard as I can do go with what Cullen says because he can SEE me. I can't see me sometimes. If I've been eating well and been active, I think I can see me. But it takes one box of Italian Nachos from Old Chicago and I am certain that I am out of control large. Or how about what a girl goes through when she's going to drink a non diet soda or a cappuccino or ...take your pick. Who did that? How did we let so much of that in, that it's just IN? That it's just a part of who we are?
That is a part of why it's easier for me to focus on other people. When we are doing a food drive or ANYTHING that requires focus and attention, I am reminded that the world doesn't really care that much about *me* and what jean size I currently fit into, and that there are TONS of people who are MUCH worse off than we are. MUCH WORSE. And it puts the stupid body image back in check.
It's not always bad, now that I really think about it, but I (maybe from being formerly eating disordered) have to put some effort into it not getting out of control. Sometimes it isn't so easy when Cullen lost 80 pounds and NEEDS to run or he turns into Mr. Cranky Pants. Spring time it's harder, I've noticed...because people are shedding clothes....and summer is harder because I am NOT 20 anymore. Or even 24. No, I'm 33 and I've had 4 babies. I defer to Cullen again, because he swears, and he does a pretty swell job of showing me, that he loves every difference in my body and prefers it now to how it was. Plus, I have to tell you, my body is so fricken cool there are no words for it. FOUR of the most beautiful souls planted themselves in my body, and my body knew exactly what to do with them. It nourished them as they grew and kept them safe, and when it was time for them to be born...my body took care of that too. It's AWESOME. And now look at me! I can live without a uterus, or a gall bladder and soon I get to live without a kidney. And my body will heal from that surgery and make up for the missing kidney. Bodies are SUCH a work of art. But then my very skinny sister says she's fat, and we're told that America is so fat (not that it's not but it's impossible to take that personally when you are faced with size 1's everywhere you look), and there are these little things walking around, to be noticed, and they are....and here we are again. The war.
There is a way to end it. I know that. All I have to do, to take one person out of the war, is stop paying it attention. Which I do, often enough. But it should be permanent.
And I want to keep Julia from falling in the trap at all. :) Good luck, me.
But in 2 more years, she will start being someone other than with me more than she's with me. This is traumatic for me. Lots of parents go through this when their babies are 6-12 weeks old and they put them in daycare so they can go to work again. She will be surrounded by her "friends" and ideas from them-and certainly not all of them will have self esteem worth holding on to at the time. I can only hope that what is in there now has been cemented in, firmly, and can't be shaken.
We girls grow up with so much shit bombarding us, it's ridiculous. If it isn't the women in the magazines who are flawless and skinny, then it's the TV where we get to see it again, but this time in real life, moving and talking. It does nothing for men, either, because it would seem that men WANT THIS. Have you watched a man in public? Oh, he's looking. Not that he SHOULDN'T be, but it's who he's looking at, and how. People watching is probably in my top 5, but I'm not checking out who's skinny or pretty. Men are visual creatures. How are we suposed to compete with perfection? Have you seen the movies? Okay, some movies feature someone "real" and they are called chubby or fat or there's a news story about how they had to gain 25 pounds to be in it. What have we done?
And what's crazy is that most girls honestly don't see themselves correctly. We would literally draw a completely different picture than what's real. I learned that in treatment. It was the very first time that I saw it with my own two eyes. I was much smaller when I laid inside the picture I'd drawn. So ever since then I try as hard as I can do go with what Cullen says because he can SEE me. I can't see me sometimes. If I've been eating well and been active, I think I can see me. But it takes one box of Italian Nachos from Old Chicago and I am certain that I am out of control large. Or how about what a girl goes through when she's going to drink a non diet soda or a cappuccino or ...take your pick. Who did that? How did we let so much of that in, that it's just IN? That it's just a part of who we are?
That is a part of why it's easier for me to focus on other people. When we are doing a food drive or ANYTHING that requires focus and attention, I am reminded that the world doesn't really care that much about *me* and what jean size I currently fit into, and that there are TONS of people who are MUCH worse off than we are. MUCH WORSE. And it puts the stupid body image back in check.
It's not always bad, now that I really think about it, but I (maybe from being formerly eating disordered) have to put some effort into it not getting out of control. Sometimes it isn't so easy when Cullen lost 80 pounds and NEEDS to run or he turns into Mr. Cranky Pants. Spring time it's harder, I've noticed...because people are shedding clothes....and summer is harder because I am NOT 20 anymore. Or even 24. No, I'm 33 and I've had 4 babies. I defer to Cullen again, because he swears, and he does a pretty swell job of showing me, that he loves every difference in my body and prefers it now to how it was. Plus, I have to tell you, my body is so fricken cool there are no words for it. FOUR of the most beautiful souls planted themselves in my body, and my body knew exactly what to do with them. It nourished them as they grew and kept them safe, and when it was time for them to be born...my body took care of that too. It's AWESOME. And now look at me! I can live without a uterus, or a gall bladder and soon I get to live without a kidney. And my body will heal from that surgery and make up for the missing kidney. Bodies are SUCH a work of art. But then my very skinny sister says she's fat, and we're told that America is so fat (not that it's not but it's impossible to take that personally when you are faced with size 1's everywhere you look), and there are these little things walking around, to be noticed, and they are....and here we are again. The war.
There is a way to end it. I know that. All I have to do, to take one person out of the war, is stop paying it attention. Which I do, often enough. But it should be permanent.
And I want to keep Julia from falling in the trap at all. :) Good luck, me.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty...
For as much blah blah blah as I do, I actually manage to pretty well keep my mouth shut, especially when it comes to stuff on the news. Do you know why? Because if there is someone so opinionated out there that they need to tell everyone around them their views, they aren't actually interested in hearing my thoughts on it, they just want to hear themselves and speak their "rightness" out loud. But today I ALMOST spoke my mind. Considering the source that was speaking loudly though, it would have been pointless, so I checked out of that conversation asap.
But I'll let it out here. :)
I am not condoning what Tiger Woods did as a good thing. In fact, I don't even buy the sex addiction thing. He's not addicted to sex. Sex addicts (duh!) don't share personal and private information with the people they are doing. It's about sex. No doubt our boy had some fun, but he was emotionally connecting with these people. HA!!! HAHA! He did NOT manage PLATONICNESS with them. (100 points for me)People are mad that such a public figure had the balls to be human and make stupid human mistakes...they are mad because they placed him as a role model and he fell from grace.
I'm sure many people disagree with me, but I think we don't need to keep crucifying him. We may not be public figures, but in our own lives, we are stars. Do we really want or need or benefit from having our mistakes shown to the whole world so that we can be eaten up by the paranahs, waiting for us to fall so they can point and say how wrong we are and how right they are? I promise you that at least - AT LEAST 1 person reporting on Tigers oops's has or is doing the same thing Tiger did. Just because we haven't made that particular mistake does not make us any better than he is. How many presidents have we had who did that a lot and often. I used to think that when you made a move into the public, you owed the public at least that much- to behave in a decent manner. But do you know what? What doesn't change is that they are still humans, still stupid, they will still struggle with marriage and it might be even harder for them with the way their lives are. I think it's *our* mistake to expect perfection out of people who are famous. I think it shows how primative we are and how NOT FAR we have come in our evolution, to expect anything different from others than we do from ourselves. Again, I'm not speaking directly about the particulars of the mistakes here. We have decided that some things are "okay" to do wrong. There is no press conference over the lie that Oprah told last week, and surely she told a lie to someone. I mean STOP EVERYTHING! YOUNG GIRLS LOOK UP TO HER! You know? No, lying is okay. We LOVE when they get caught drinking or drugging or sexing or pregnant or dead, don't we? I don't agree with it. That is probably why I'm unpolitical also. First of all, anyone who runs for Pres has no idea what they are actually getting into. There's so much buying/lying/covering up that goes on behind the scenes. No one knows. So i don't fault anyone once they get in there and start "effing" things up (those very same things make other people cheer, I realize). I turn off the TV. Whatever. It doesn't matter to me. Today is running the same for me as yesterday was, as last year did, as 3 years ago did. Probably unpopular opinion, but this is just my unimportant, unfamous life so it's all good! Leave Tiger alone. We just want to see him play golf anyway. He learned a horrible lesson, one none of us would want to experience. Of course, judging is the thing that I work so hard not to do. I fail often, but I sure do try. I can't judge what I can't understand. What I do understand is humanness, and failing. He's a mess. We should leave him alone and let the man golf.
There's a contest going on right now. I just entered it. Well, there are LOTS of contests going on right now, but this one, I really like. People who want to participate send in a 1 minute long video explaining our personal expression of how we are all one. Mine was a little longer because I am an enormous geek. What sucks is that I really AM a geek and I just sent my geekiness off to whoever is going to see it. Impulsive me! I am not sure why I even did that. The Prize is all right, but it isn't ALL THAT. If I were to be one of the winners (and we're not holding our breath, it wasn't a nerd of the year contest. THAT'S the contest I need to find ASAP!) I'd win free admission to a seminar by NDW. In Oregon. Which is great. BUT, I'd have to pay for our airfare and accomodations. hehehhehehe!! OH, but we would get to have dinner with NDW and his wife. Which would be fun too, but really? That's a lot of money. But did that stop me from doing it? OF COURSE NOT! Not much does, does it?
10:32. One hour and Cullen is home. Half Hour and WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY is on. YAY!
But I'll let it out here. :)
I am not condoning what Tiger Woods did as a good thing. In fact, I don't even buy the sex addiction thing. He's not addicted to sex. Sex addicts (duh!) don't share personal and private information with the people they are doing. It's about sex. No doubt our boy had some fun, but he was emotionally connecting with these people. HA!!! HAHA! He did NOT manage PLATONICNESS with them. (100 points for me)People are mad that such a public figure had the balls to be human and make stupid human mistakes...they are mad because they placed him as a role model and he fell from grace.
I'm sure many people disagree with me, but I think we don't need to keep crucifying him. We may not be public figures, but in our own lives, we are stars. Do we really want or need or benefit from having our mistakes shown to the whole world so that we can be eaten up by the paranahs, waiting for us to fall so they can point and say how wrong we are and how right they are? I promise you that at least - AT LEAST 1 person reporting on Tigers oops's has or is doing the same thing Tiger did. Just because we haven't made that particular mistake does not make us any better than he is. How many presidents have we had who did that a lot and often. I used to think that when you made a move into the public, you owed the public at least that much- to behave in a decent manner. But do you know what? What doesn't change is that they are still humans, still stupid, they will still struggle with marriage and it might be even harder for them with the way their lives are. I think it's *our* mistake to expect perfection out of people who are famous. I think it shows how primative we are and how NOT FAR we have come in our evolution, to expect anything different from others than we do from ourselves. Again, I'm not speaking directly about the particulars of the mistakes here. We have decided that some things are "okay" to do wrong. There is no press conference over the lie that Oprah told last week, and surely she told a lie to someone. I mean STOP EVERYTHING! YOUNG GIRLS LOOK UP TO HER! You know? No, lying is okay. We LOVE when they get caught drinking or drugging or sexing or pregnant or dead, don't we? I don't agree with it. That is probably why I'm unpolitical also. First of all, anyone who runs for Pres has no idea what they are actually getting into. There's so much buying/lying/covering up that goes on behind the scenes. No one knows. So i don't fault anyone once they get in there and start "effing" things up (those very same things make other people cheer, I realize). I turn off the TV. Whatever. It doesn't matter to me. Today is running the same for me as yesterday was, as last year did, as 3 years ago did. Probably unpopular opinion, but this is just my unimportant, unfamous life so it's all good! Leave Tiger alone. We just want to see him play golf anyway. He learned a horrible lesson, one none of us would want to experience. Of course, judging is the thing that I work so hard not to do. I fail often, but I sure do try. I can't judge what I can't understand. What I do understand is humanness, and failing. He's a mess. We should leave him alone and let the man golf.
There's a contest going on right now. I just entered it. Well, there are LOTS of contests going on right now, but this one, I really like. People who want to participate send in a 1 minute long video explaining our personal expression of how we are all one. Mine was a little longer because I am an enormous geek. What sucks is that I really AM a geek and I just sent my geekiness off to whoever is going to see it. Impulsive me! I am not sure why I even did that. The Prize is all right, but it isn't ALL THAT. If I were to be one of the winners (and we're not holding our breath, it wasn't a nerd of the year contest. THAT'S the contest I need to find ASAP!) I'd win free admission to a seminar by NDW. In Oregon. Which is great. BUT, I'd have to pay for our airfare and accomodations. hehehhehehe!! OH, but we would get to have dinner with NDW and his wife. Which would be fun too, but really? That's a lot of money. But did that stop me from doing it? OF COURSE NOT! Not much does, does it?
10:32. One hour and Cullen is home. Half Hour and WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY is on. YAY!
Just got paid...it's Friday night...
HAHAHA. Remember when Friday meant something different than any other day of the week? I supose it still does for most people.
Holy cow, I'm listening to Jordan "teach" Samantha how to play the money throwing game. It's HYSTERICAL. He's shouting "YOU DID IT! YOU DID IT!" and she's copying him. It's so cute.
So, if I make a bucket list, would I do it? If Cullen made a bucket list, would he do it? Could we somehow do both of them? Why do we wait til some deadline comes up? So many people have lists.
Hm. What would I put on mine even? I can't even decide on a stupid wish, how will I pick on this? HA- speaking of wishes, I was laying on the couch snuggled up with my little heater, and thinking "Gosh, if mom invited us over for dinner I wouldn't have to have the Tuna Argument with the kids tonight at dinner time..." and guess what? The phone rang. I didn't even get up. Instead, I thought "Must be mom, calling to invite us over." and guess what? IT WAS. I'm TELLING YOU- I love getting these little wishes. I need to think of a good big one. Okay- here's my wish- I want to work with animals, I don't even care how. Volunteering is fine. It's great, actually. So in good faith, I will keep inquiring at shelters, rehabs and whatever. And I believe that just like anything else (Jordan just said I LOVE THIS SONG! when Train came on. Funny!) that I will get exactly what I want. Thanks, World!
Bucketlist:
Um..coming up blank.
I don't want to skydive.
There is no where in particular that I want to visit that is far away.
I am not into owning a house. And having my dreamhouse built isn't something that I feel like I need to tackle before checking out.
Am I a tard or what? Who can't think up something for their bucketlist?!
Um....Okay. I want to donate a kidney.
Lord. I have a feeling my list would be frowned upon by the masses.
I want to commit to finding a homeless person, and everytime I'm going to go to out to eat, I take a different person with. Share and share alike, you know? Seems stupid that someone is starving when I have enough money to go out to eat. I'd like to do that.
Cullen wants to do foster care, but I still don't know if I'm emotionally up to that challenge. My own four kids really do wear me out pretty good.
I want to remember every time I go buy coffee or food from a drive through to give them $5 for the person behind me. Again, if I have enough money to waste on that shit, the least I can do is share.
See? Total nerd.
HA! Phantom gall ballder pain. FUNNY!
OH! I'd love to go to Children's Hospital and volunteer there. Again, the emotional toll of that is huge, but the reward has to be just as big. Right now there are kids in there, and that is their life. I have 4 healthy kids. Same thing with the head shaving. What a better way to show my gratefulness? I will go on the website right now and look at opportunities.
Damn. Their volunteering hours are M-F from 9am-3pm.
I'll find a way.
It's what I do.
And it's better than getting fricken dogs. I can't be THAT bored by normal life, can I?
I almost cut my hair off.
But I colored it instead.
John Mayer is just a dork. I don't even love his music.
NOT bored enough to hold Willow.
YAY JAMIE!!!! I can't wait to hear how today went! I'M PROUD OF YOU!
Crybaby kids are seriously annoying. I have my own 4, I don't need an extra. Mine aren't even cry babies. He's one second from going home.
TICK.
TOCK.
Okay, he's 30 seconds from going home.
Cool. Silence. That was quite a cry.
Fine. I'll go find Angie to play with.
Holy cow, I'm listening to Jordan "teach" Samantha how to play the money throwing game. It's HYSTERICAL. He's shouting "YOU DID IT! YOU DID IT!" and she's copying him. It's so cute.
So, if I make a bucket list, would I do it? If Cullen made a bucket list, would he do it? Could we somehow do both of them? Why do we wait til some deadline comes up? So many people have lists.
Hm. What would I put on mine even? I can't even decide on a stupid wish, how will I pick on this? HA- speaking of wishes, I was laying on the couch snuggled up with my little heater, and thinking "Gosh, if mom invited us over for dinner I wouldn't have to have the Tuna Argument with the kids tonight at dinner time..." and guess what? The phone rang. I didn't even get up. Instead, I thought "Must be mom, calling to invite us over." and guess what? IT WAS. I'm TELLING YOU- I love getting these little wishes. I need to think of a good big one. Okay- here's my wish- I want to work with animals, I don't even care how. Volunteering is fine. It's great, actually. So in good faith, I will keep inquiring at shelters, rehabs and whatever. And I believe that just like anything else (Jordan just said I LOVE THIS SONG! when Train came on. Funny!) that I will get exactly what I want. Thanks, World!
Bucketlist:
Um..coming up blank.
I don't want to skydive.
There is no where in particular that I want to visit that is far away.
I am not into owning a house. And having my dreamhouse built isn't something that I feel like I need to tackle before checking out.
Am I a tard or what? Who can't think up something for their bucketlist?!
Um....Okay. I want to donate a kidney.
Lord. I have a feeling my list would be frowned upon by the masses.
I want to commit to finding a homeless person, and everytime I'm going to go to out to eat, I take a different person with. Share and share alike, you know? Seems stupid that someone is starving when I have enough money to go out to eat. I'd like to do that.
Cullen wants to do foster care, but I still don't know if I'm emotionally up to that challenge. My own four kids really do wear me out pretty good.
I want to remember every time I go buy coffee or food from a drive through to give them $5 for the person behind me. Again, if I have enough money to waste on that shit, the least I can do is share.
See? Total nerd.
HA! Phantom gall ballder pain. FUNNY!
OH! I'd love to go to Children's Hospital and volunteer there. Again, the emotional toll of that is huge, but the reward has to be just as big. Right now there are kids in there, and that is their life. I have 4 healthy kids. Same thing with the head shaving. What a better way to show my gratefulness? I will go on the website right now and look at opportunities.
Damn. Their volunteering hours are M-F from 9am-3pm.
I'll find a way.
It's what I do.
And it's better than getting fricken dogs. I can't be THAT bored by normal life, can I?
I almost cut my hair off.
But I colored it instead.
John Mayer is just a dork. I don't even love his music.
NOT bored enough to hold Willow.
YAY JAMIE!!!! I can't wait to hear how today went! I'M PROUD OF YOU!
Crybaby kids are seriously annoying. I have my own 4, I don't need an extra. Mine aren't even cry babies. He's one second from going home.
TICK.
TOCK.
Okay, he's 30 seconds from going home.
Cool. Silence. That was quite a cry.
Fine. I'll go find Angie to play with.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
It's got no where else to go!
Dear Matt,
You are a presumptious boy, aren't you? How dare you say that we have no respect for the product or the customer? Are you effing KIDDING ME?! I promise you that you will not find another company as large as this one is that caters to their customers the way we do! Have you any idea who you just said that to? The Vice President of this department is a pioneer in customer service. His focus has always been you. When something doesn't ship well, we work with the vendor on the packing. No where else will you find service this quick. No one else tries harder to get shipments there undamaged. If you've been around for any amount of time, you've seen the changes happening, and received the surveys that go out regularly to find out how you feel about it. How DARE YOU? Why don't you GO THERE and see for yourself what is happening there? These people are working their butts off. Our equipment is very sophisticated. At any given moment, anyone there can tell you exactly what's happening right then.
I am so upset with what I read. What you said is just so off base. If that's the way you really feel, go there and see for yourself how much NON CARE is going into getting your shampoo to you. You owe us an apology. You really do. I'm not being an asshole, but you are uneducated about what you just said. You spoke from a very limited perspective. I certainly hope that the person you sent that to first helped to enlighten you, but I'm not holding my breath.
Mean people suck.
And for the record, I was feeling perfectly judgemental myself today. That was a good reminder that I have a limited perspective too.
You are a presumptious boy, aren't you? How dare you say that we have no respect for the product or the customer? Are you effing KIDDING ME?! I promise you that you will not find another company as large as this one is that caters to their customers the way we do! Have you any idea who you just said that to? The Vice President of this department is a pioneer in customer service. His focus has always been you. When something doesn't ship well, we work with the vendor on the packing. No where else will you find service this quick. No one else tries harder to get shipments there undamaged. If you've been around for any amount of time, you've seen the changes happening, and received the surveys that go out regularly to find out how you feel about it. How DARE YOU? Why don't you GO THERE and see for yourself what is happening there? These people are working their butts off. Our equipment is very sophisticated. At any given moment, anyone there can tell you exactly what's happening right then.
I am so upset with what I read. What you said is just so off base. If that's the way you really feel, go there and see for yourself how much NON CARE is going into getting your shampoo to you. You owe us an apology. You really do. I'm not being an asshole, but you are uneducated about what you just said. You spoke from a very limited perspective. I certainly hope that the person you sent that to first helped to enlighten you, but I'm not holding my breath.
Mean people suck.
And for the record, I was feeling perfectly judgemental myself today. That was a good reminder that I have a limited perspective too.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
HERE I AM!!!
I once was lost, but now am found.
I found me! I found me! Here I am! Wasn't that easy? Suddenly, my feet are back on the ground, I understand where I am again, I can see where I'm going, and my insides aren't screaming anymore. Isn't that nice?
Now is when I should make a big wish and see if that doesn't materialize. What would I wish for? I don't want more money. But I DO want it for the people around me. I want it for my mom and dad, my grandma, my aunts, I'd even send some to my old friend Heidi because I know for sure that she could use some. Cullen's parents wouldn't need to struggle so anymore. I'd give my friends enough money to make dreams happen, or possible at least, if they wanted. I'd support the things I love and believe in, the things that need funds to keep going further and further. AND, for me, do you know what I would do? I would do one thing. I would pay NASA any amount of money needed, and I would go to the moon.
And I supose there is an outside chance of us building my dream house on a hobby farm in Northfield or something. And I'd get me a chef. I'd grow some of the money too, but I'd give as much of it away as I could.
Is that what I want to spend my wish on?
I could do a more selfish wish and hope for a phone call that is going to come eventually anyway, and I could wish for it to come sooner.
What a silly girl to not know what to wish for.
Anyway, welcome back, me. YAY.
And thank you to my dad, who is coming over to babysit me tonight when strange men I don't know come to look at the truck. XOXOXOXOXXOOXXOXO
I found me! I found me! Here I am! Wasn't that easy? Suddenly, my feet are back on the ground, I understand where I am again, I can see where I'm going, and my insides aren't screaming anymore. Isn't that nice?
Now is when I should make a big wish and see if that doesn't materialize. What would I wish for? I don't want more money. But I DO want it for the people around me. I want it for my mom and dad, my grandma, my aunts, I'd even send some to my old friend Heidi because I know for sure that she could use some. Cullen's parents wouldn't need to struggle so anymore. I'd give my friends enough money to make dreams happen, or possible at least, if they wanted. I'd support the things I love and believe in, the things that need funds to keep going further and further. AND, for me, do you know what I would do? I would do one thing. I would pay NASA any amount of money needed, and I would go to the moon.
And I supose there is an outside chance of us building my dream house on a hobby farm in Northfield or something. And I'd get me a chef. I'd grow some of the money too, but I'd give as much of it away as I could.
Is that what I want to spend my wish on?
I could do a more selfish wish and hope for a phone call that is going to come eventually anyway, and I could wish for it to come sooner.
What a silly girl to not know what to wish for.
Anyway, welcome back, me. YAY.
And thank you to my dad, who is coming over to babysit me tonight when strange men I don't know come to look at the truck. XOXOXOXOXXOOXXOXO
What happens when I don't get to use all my words...
I post 50 times a day.
Was BJ Thomas considered HOT back in the day? I love his voice. I never saw him, and now that I have, a girl has to wonder. I see potential.
And, in case you wondered, I LOVE Mike Rowe. LOVE HIM. I want to hang out with him, have him over for dinner. Cullen is convinced that I"ll be one of the 90 year old ladies who writes to him and he'll come visit me and find out what my top 5 of his dirtiest jobs ever are. HAHAH!
Was BJ Thomas considered HOT back in the day? I love his voice. I never saw him, and now that I have, a girl has to wonder. I see potential.
And, in case you wondered, I LOVE Mike Rowe. LOVE HIM. I want to hang out with him, have him over for dinner. Cullen is convinced that I"ll be one of the 90 year old ladies who writes to him and he'll come visit me and find out what my top 5 of his dirtiest jobs ever are. HAHAH!
CJ
I used to write my babies love letters all the time, and it's been way too long. Shame on me!!!
Dear CJ,
You funny, funny kid. I have been blessed since the second I was pregnant with you. Do you remember the fun stories I have about your pregnancy? The way that Connie across the street came running over to tell me that Ronnie had a "dream" and that the "fairies" told her that I get a baby for Christmas? And here I was pregnant and I hadn't told her yet.
Or how about when I was 8 weeks and in the bathroom, getting ready for a shower, begging, begging, begging for this one to stick? And clear as day, as if someone were standing next to me, I hear "No. No more begging. it's time to have faith." and I knew then that this baby was staying.
You are such a calm force to have around. I love when we see one of the other kids do something funny and you look at me and we laugh about it together. I love how you take care of them even when I don't ask you to. That cracked me up the other day when Julia was whining about that barely there cut, and I blew her off trying to make her see that she was making a mountain of a molehill, when you stepped in. Rolling your eyes at me blowing her off, while you babied the hell out of her.
I had to learn how to deal with you. You are so sensitive, but you are never out of bounds with what you ask for or want to do. I probably expected too much out of you, in the way of your siblings. Expecting that you would remember to remind them to not be so loud and rowdy, instead of expecting you to be a kid and that I'd have to keep on you guys to not wake your dad up in the mornings or what have you. I watch you guys and take one day at a time and be thankful that right now, you are all friends. Wonderful friends, forming unbreakable bonds. That's why I let it go when any of you "undermines" me in order to baby or take care of another one. Because that bond that you're forming is going to carry you for the rest of your life. If I'm one of the luckiest people to live, you will all outlive me and you'll grow up to love hanging out with eachother, and the families you'll grow.
Thank you for being such a good friend to your friends. Your teacher this year is just fantastic- she leads by the same values that we share and she saw right away that you are a soft hearted, fun loving kid. I don't know what tomorrow or next month or next year will bring but today I am so thankful for how you are, who you are and the fact that you are here with me. I can't wait to walk through life with you and find out what color the sky is in your eyes. I love you. Thank you for the numerous gifts you give to the world just by being you!
Dear CJ,
You funny, funny kid. I have been blessed since the second I was pregnant with you. Do you remember the fun stories I have about your pregnancy? The way that Connie across the street came running over to tell me that Ronnie had a "dream" and that the "fairies" told her that I get a baby for Christmas? And here I was pregnant and I hadn't told her yet.
Or how about when I was 8 weeks and in the bathroom, getting ready for a shower, begging, begging, begging for this one to stick? And clear as day, as if someone were standing next to me, I hear "No. No more begging. it's time to have faith." and I knew then that this baby was staying.
You are such a calm force to have around. I love when we see one of the other kids do something funny and you look at me and we laugh about it together. I love how you take care of them even when I don't ask you to. That cracked me up the other day when Julia was whining about that barely there cut, and I blew her off trying to make her see that she was making a mountain of a molehill, when you stepped in. Rolling your eyes at me blowing her off, while you babied the hell out of her.
I had to learn how to deal with you. You are so sensitive, but you are never out of bounds with what you ask for or want to do. I probably expected too much out of you, in the way of your siblings. Expecting that you would remember to remind them to not be so loud and rowdy, instead of expecting you to be a kid and that I'd have to keep on you guys to not wake your dad up in the mornings or what have you. I watch you guys and take one day at a time and be thankful that right now, you are all friends. Wonderful friends, forming unbreakable bonds. That's why I let it go when any of you "undermines" me in order to baby or take care of another one. Because that bond that you're forming is going to carry you for the rest of your life. If I'm one of the luckiest people to live, you will all outlive me and you'll grow up to love hanging out with eachother, and the families you'll grow.
Thank you for being such a good friend to your friends. Your teacher this year is just fantastic- she leads by the same values that we share and she saw right away that you are a soft hearted, fun loving kid. I don't know what tomorrow or next month or next year will bring but today I am so thankful for how you are, who you are and the fact that you are here with me. I can't wait to walk through life with you and find out what color the sky is in your eyes. I love you. Thank you for the numerous gifts you give to the world just by being you!
4, 3, 2, 1...Earth below us...drifting falling...
It just happened again! I wished for something and it materialized. It was “only” shampoo, but it annoys me when I have to actually buy it since I work where I work. And I was about to buy it, and BAM, I come into work and have a PILE of shampoo at my desk. I need to start wishing even bigger, don’t I?
ANYWAYS, back to One Moment In Time In A Whackjob’s Life.
Today Whackjob Nicki decides to “forget” that she is actually connected to everyone and everything around her, thus keeping her from ever EVER being alone. She chooses to forget that so that she can experience the feeling of falling through space once again, with no one and nothing to grab on to. The audience cannot understand why she would do this, but since we all do it sometimes, we let it happen knowing that at some point she’ll come to again, and reach out to one of the bazillion things/people around her and catch herself.
For now, she’s falling, screaming in her head, and the sound of her own voice echos through out the universe, with no reply. Looking around she sees nothing but the empty black of nothingness, not even the stars are shining. Oh, maybe there are some! But they are so far away, they are likely not even in existence any longer, their light taking so long to even show up. Nope. Nothing. No one.
What is it? Is it winter? Is it not having a surgery date and being really, really afraid that something else will come up and make it not happen? YES…that is it right there! DING DING DING (DONG LESS!)! That’s IT!
How to overcome being in no where land, when there is no date, nothing concrete that will reassure our Whackjob that surgery will indeed happen? ---hold please, gotta shake off the 3rd person thing. *shaking*
Am I that stupid? I mean, am I ..that STUPID? Why can’t I just know that it will be okay, and act appropriately? Why am I not running? Why am I drinking caffeine? Why aren’t I being as good to myself as I can? Why do I need to have surgery booked to act that way anyway? Why aren’t *I* a good enough reason to act that way? I guess if we all acted that way, no one would drink or smoke or eat half the garbage that we do, huh.
Oh well. I just had 4 totally fabulous days with Cullen, and I needed that badly. He’s searching right now, too. He feels restless and like he wants to do SOMETHING. Maybe we can squeeze something else in in the mean time while waiting?
I learned something else, too. It’s animals. Whatever it is that I am going to be doing, it’s with animals. Now I just have to fine tune what it is and how to get there from here.
YAY.
Nice catch!
ANYWAYS, back to One Moment In Time In A Whackjob’s Life.
Today Whackjob Nicki decides to “forget” that she is actually connected to everyone and everything around her, thus keeping her from ever EVER being alone. She chooses to forget that so that she can experience the feeling of falling through space once again, with no one and nothing to grab on to. The audience cannot understand why she would do this, but since we all do it sometimes, we let it happen knowing that at some point she’ll come to again, and reach out to one of the bazillion things/people around her and catch herself.
For now, she’s falling, screaming in her head, and the sound of her own voice echos through out the universe, with no reply. Looking around she sees nothing but the empty black of nothingness, not even the stars are shining. Oh, maybe there are some! But they are so far away, they are likely not even in existence any longer, their light taking so long to even show up. Nope. Nothing. No one.
What is it? Is it winter? Is it not having a surgery date and being really, really afraid that something else will come up and make it not happen? YES…that is it right there! DING DING DING (DONG LESS!)! That’s IT!
How to overcome being in no where land, when there is no date, nothing concrete that will reassure our Whackjob that surgery will indeed happen? ---hold please, gotta shake off the 3rd person thing. *shaking*
Am I that stupid? I mean, am I ..that STUPID? Why can’t I just know that it will be okay, and act appropriately? Why am I not running? Why am I drinking caffeine? Why aren’t I being as good to myself as I can? Why do I need to have surgery booked to act that way anyway? Why aren’t *I* a good enough reason to act that way? I guess if we all acted that way, no one would drink or smoke or eat half the garbage that we do, huh.
Oh well. I just had 4 totally fabulous days with Cullen, and I needed that badly. He’s searching right now, too. He feels restless and like he wants to do SOMETHING. Maybe we can squeeze something else in in the mean time while waiting?
I learned something else, too. It’s animals. Whatever it is that I am going to be doing, it’s with animals. Now I just have to fine tune what it is and how to get there from here.
YAY.
Nice catch!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Disclaimer and new realization...
My disclaimer is that the person I was talking about in the other post has never said that they have feelings for me. I'm going off of conversations, being stared at, ridiculous requests that make me touch them, and other suggestions that have come from them. I could be totally wrong.
What I realized is that what I'm feeling bad about is the fact that I am not trying to hang with them because it's so much fun, I'm doing it because I feel the "FU" coming off of them when I don't go out of my way to talk to/help/hang out with them. So I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons anyway.
Breaking date for Friday.
Mean or otherwise. It's the right thing to do. I am a friend to that person, but they are not so much a friend to me. It's a one way street. Okay. Whew. Feels better to see that more clearly.
What I realized is that what I'm feeling bad about is the fact that I am not trying to hang with them because it's so much fun, I'm doing it because I feel the "FU" coming off of them when I don't go out of my way to talk to/help/hang out with them. So I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons anyway.
Breaking date for Friday.
Mean or otherwise. It's the right thing to do. I am a friend to that person, but they are not so much a friend to me. It's a one way street. Okay. Whew. Feels better to see that more clearly.
Monday, February 15, 2010
One Night I'm Bankrupt
That was a play on the song One Night in Bankok, if you missed it. *eyeroll*. It's not nearly as funny when I have to walk you through the joke. : ) I'm just kidding. All my brilliant friends got that one right away, I know. : )
I just had the best weekend ever. Okay, maybe not EVER EVER, but it was pretty damned good. Saturday I got Cullen time, which we both desperately needed. I haven't seen him that family starved in a very long time. Nicki starved, maybe? We went shopping and out to eat. BTW, I'm not really a visual girl, but seeing him try jeans on, WOW. My husband has a fabulous body. I was surprised to find myself eyeing him like a vulture would be some dead, bloody meat that hasn't started rotting yet. HAHAHAHAHAHHA! I'm so gross.
Then Sat night, Favorite Neighbors came over to hang out, which is like WAY good for me. I mean, to be surrounded by kids all week, and all the have-to's and the need-to's...to just sit and hang out with some fabulous adults is like hitting the jackpot in Nickiland. DING DING DING DING! (DONG!)<----*snicker*
THEN Sunday I got to see Rose (aka The Hot Sibling) and get the scoop on househunting in Marshall, and DAMN I'm excited. It's going to be such a blast when they get here. I can NOT wait!!!!! AND THEN, People, we left the kids at mom's, Danny and Deb (heart heart heart) came and got us and we went to the casino for the night.
Casinos have some really interesting energy. It's fun/sad to people watch there. There are really only 2 catagories of people- or maybe 3. First catagory is the Non Gamblers, like us. We do that once a year, maybe twice. We don't go overboard, we usually donate, and if we win, we leave immediately. Second catagory are peeps like Dan and Deb....the people who spend alot more than they should at casinos, but somehow manage to hold down jobs and have normal lives. They aren't icky to look at, they are not drunks, they are not chain smoking, drinking, old bags sitting at machines for 26 hours a time, ya know? Then...there are the 3rd catagory...the people i just called out...the icky girls with cigs hanging out of their mouths, towing their 3 kids through the casino to the child care.....or the people who are homeless and hang there becuase it's warm or what have you. The people who are $120,000 in the hole because they keep finding ways to get more money so they can win it all back.
But it was SUPERFUN. I love the noises (for 2 hours at a time), I love the lights, I love the HOPE. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the food. I ate so much crab last night that I'm starting to itch. (waiting for the rimshot.....where *is* it?) And I LOVE LOVE LOVE Danny and Deb. They are just the bestest ever.
I have been nervous because I think that everyone that I really love knows about my secret mission to lose weight via organ donation (haha) but I hadn't told them yet. Danny, because I love him so much, has some power (that I've given him, of course) to hurt my feelings. There are other people that I love who have that same power, who may have hurt my feelings, but I could roll with it. Danny happens to also be Cullen's boss. Danny LOVES me, this I know (for the Bible tells me so...) but he can be a dink sometimes, and he was a dink about Cullen taking time off when I had the hysterectomy. I don't know why...he had a friend who'd had it a month earlier and she only took 3 days off of work herself before she was back, so I don't know if he thought I was milkin it or what, but he was a jackass (my perception). Cullen (!!!!) is planning on taking a week off (I will continue to plan as if he's not though, don't worry!), and I don't know..I was just nervous. My husband STEPPED UP and did it for me!!!! On the way home, as Danny was giving me hell and telling me to focus, and making fun of me as normal, Cullen says "What will we do with her when she's recovering from surgery?" or something like that. Deb says "what surgery?" Cullen says "She told you about her kidney donation plans, didn't she?" Blah blah blah...Deb did say "I think I remember something about that from a long time ago." and we talked about it like normal. He didn't give me shit at ALL!!!! WHOOO HOOO!!! I keep winning! DING! DING! DING! DING! (insert your dong here.) (HOLY CRAP!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT! FUNNY!) His brother died of complications of diabetes, and his kidney's were bad, so maybe Danny gets it a little bit. That's what I get for presuming anything.
And now I'm home in a quiet house, contemplating naptime/running. :) We'll see which wins out. I haven't heard back from my nurse yet, but I'm not sure they are working today, so maybe tomorrow I'll hear a general idea of when surgery will be? Won't that be the funnest ever???????? Can you even imagine what I'll be like when I have a date? I can't either, and I'm me, pretty sad.
Happy Monday. Short weeks rock.
XOXOX
The Tooty Princess (do you WANT to know? I'll tell you! After dinner, we were in our room with D + D, playing cards and all of them were rippin butt. It was ridiculous. I insisted on calling Cullen "Colin", and at one point asked him "Colin, is that a pickle in your pocket?" and before I knew what hit me, he jumped on my bed, pounced on me, and tickled me til my butt begged him to stop. Hence...The Tooty Princess was born. You should know better than to ask by now!)
I just had the best weekend ever. Okay, maybe not EVER EVER, but it was pretty damned good. Saturday I got Cullen time, which we both desperately needed. I haven't seen him that family starved in a very long time. Nicki starved, maybe? We went shopping and out to eat. BTW, I'm not really a visual girl, but seeing him try jeans on, WOW. My husband has a fabulous body. I was surprised to find myself eyeing him like a vulture would be some dead, bloody meat that hasn't started rotting yet. HAHAHAHAHAHHA! I'm so gross.
Then Sat night, Favorite Neighbors came over to hang out, which is like WAY good for me. I mean, to be surrounded by kids all week, and all the have-to's and the need-to's...to just sit and hang out with some fabulous adults is like hitting the jackpot in Nickiland. DING DING DING DING! (DONG!)<----*snicker*
THEN Sunday I got to see Rose (aka The Hot Sibling) and get the scoop on househunting in Marshall, and DAMN I'm excited. It's going to be such a blast when they get here. I can NOT wait!!!!! AND THEN, People, we left the kids at mom's, Danny and Deb (heart heart heart) came and got us and we went to the casino for the night.
Casinos have some really interesting energy. It's fun/sad to people watch there. There are really only 2 catagories of people- or maybe 3. First catagory is the Non Gamblers, like us. We do that once a year, maybe twice. We don't go overboard, we usually donate, and if we win, we leave immediately. Second catagory are peeps like Dan and Deb....the people who spend alot more than they should at casinos, but somehow manage to hold down jobs and have normal lives. They aren't icky to look at, they are not drunks, they are not chain smoking, drinking, old bags sitting at machines for 26 hours a time, ya know? Then...there are the 3rd catagory...the people i just called out...the icky girls with cigs hanging out of their mouths, towing their 3 kids through the casino to the child care.....or the people who are homeless and hang there becuase it's warm or what have you. The people who are $120,000 in the hole because they keep finding ways to get more money so they can win it all back.
But it was SUPERFUN. I love the noises (for 2 hours at a time), I love the lights, I love the HOPE. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the food. I ate so much crab last night that I'm starting to itch. (waiting for the rimshot.....where *is* it?) And I LOVE LOVE LOVE Danny and Deb. They are just the bestest ever.
I have been nervous because I think that everyone that I really love knows about my secret mission to lose weight via organ donation (haha) but I hadn't told them yet. Danny, because I love him so much, has some power (that I've given him, of course) to hurt my feelings. There are other people that I love who have that same power, who may have hurt my feelings, but I could roll with it. Danny happens to also be Cullen's boss. Danny LOVES me, this I know (for the Bible tells me so...) but he can be a dink sometimes, and he was a dink about Cullen taking time off when I had the hysterectomy. I don't know why...he had a friend who'd had it a month earlier and she only took 3 days off of work herself before she was back, so I don't know if he thought I was milkin it or what, but he was a jackass (my perception). Cullen (!!!!) is planning on taking a week off (I will continue to plan as if he's not though, don't worry!), and I don't know..I was just nervous. My husband STEPPED UP and did it for me!!!! On the way home, as Danny was giving me hell and telling me to focus, and making fun of me as normal, Cullen says "What will we do with her when she's recovering from surgery?" or something like that. Deb says "what surgery?" Cullen says "She told you about her kidney donation plans, didn't she?" Blah blah blah...Deb did say "I think I remember something about that from a long time ago." and we talked about it like normal. He didn't give me shit at ALL!!!! WHOOO HOOO!!! I keep winning! DING! DING! DING! DING! (insert your dong here.) (HOLY CRAP!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT! FUNNY!) His brother died of complications of diabetes, and his kidney's were bad, so maybe Danny gets it a little bit. That's what I get for presuming anything.
And now I'm home in a quiet house, contemplating naptime/running. :) We'll see which wins out. I haven't heard back from my nurse yet, but I'm not sure they are working today, so maybe tomorrow I'll hear a general idea of when surgery will be? Won't that be the funnest ever???????? Can you even imagine what I'll be like when I have a date? I can't either, and I'm me, pretty sad.
Happy Monday. Short weeks rock.
XOXOX
The Tooty Princess (do you WANT to know? I'll tell you! After dinner, we were in our room with D + D, playing cards and all of them were rippin butt. It was ridiculous. I insisted on calling Cullen "Colin", and at one point asked him "Colin, is that a pickle in your pocket?" and before I knew what hit me, he jumped on my bed, pounced on me, and tickled me til my butt begged him to stop. Hence...The Tooty Princess was born. You should know better than to ask by now!)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Flashbacks
Every now and then I get a glimpse of the me of me from before kids, and of the Cullen of Cullen from long ago also.
In the day to day, as aware as I am of how different the both of us are because we have to be, I forget about who we were back then. Some of the things that drew us together in the first place. Sometimes when we have alone time, we play the music game or watch whatevers on TV. We might be snuggling, but we miss out on the chance to remember who we were.
This past week was particularly hard. I was doing okay up til Thursday night, and I'm sure my extra BLAH was from having Tayler here all week. She was easy and she was good and it was even fun to have someone else for the kids to play with. But it was one more person. And I didn't wait up for Cullen at all. I'd make Tayler go to bed and I'd go to bed too, and Cullen didn't like it very much. Turns out he counts on seeing me for a few minutes when he gets home more than he knew.
Last night, I waited up for him.
While I waited, I hopped on Youtube and found some fun meditations and self hypnosis stuff (which is really just meditations). By the time he got home I was completely blissed out and chill. I wasn't so much of that earlier in the night. :) We hung out for awhile and went to bed.
I was still fairly zoney and feeling like i'd pass right out, and do you know what he did? He did something that he used to do fairly often for me, and I'd forgotten all about it. He played with my hair and tickled me to sleep. I'm sure it took all of 5 minutes, but it made me remember life before kids. He'd set up our bedroom in our apartment with candles, and blankets on the floor, and lotion. First he'd massage me real good, then he'd put in this fantastic meditation CD I had, and he'd tickle me and play with my hair til I was passed out so good that the place could have burnt down and I wouldn't have noticed. It was sooooo yummy. And I don't know if he knows how much that helped me. When I stopped being eating disordered I had to deal with every feeling that came up, and some of them weren't so good. And those times really helped me recenter and relax again and feel like everything was okay.
*dreamy sigh* I slept HARD last night. I even dreamt about the end of the world. Nice, huh? It was a little scarey, but really, it was pretty. :)
Wheezer ROCKS. GIRL IF YOU'RE WONDERING IF I WANT YOU TO, I WANT YOU TO...
In the day to day, as aware as I am of how different the both of us are because we have to be, I forget about who we were back then. Some of the things that drew us together in the first place. Sometimes when we have alone time, we play the music game or watch whatevers on TV. We might be snuggling, but we miss out on the chance to remember who we were.
This past week was particularly hard. I was doing okay up til Thursday night, and I'm sure my extra BLAH was from having Tayler here all week. She was easy and she was good and it was even fun to have someone else for the kids to play with. But it was one more person. And I didn't wait up for Cullen at all. I'd make Tayler go to bed and I'd go to bed too, and Cullen didn't like it very much. Turns out he counts on seeing me for a few minutes when he gets home more than he knew.
Last night, I waited up for him.
While I waited, I hopped on Youtube and found some fun meditations and self hypnosis stuff (which is really just meditations). By the time he got home I was completely blissed out and chill. I wasn't so much of that earlier in the night. :) We hung out for awhile and went to bed.
I was still fairly zoney and feeling like i'd pass right out, and do you know what he did? He did something that he used to do fairly often for me, and I'd forgotten all about it. He played with my hair and tickled me to sleep. I'm sure it took all of 5 minutes, but it made me remember life before kids. He'd set up our bedroom in our apartment with candles, and blankets on the floor, and lotion. First he'd massage me real good, then he'd put in this fantastic meditation CD I had, and he'd tickle me and play with my hair til I was passed out so good that the place could have burnt down and I wouldn't have noticed. It was sooooo yummy. And I don't know if he knows how much that helped me. When I stopped being eating disordered I had to deal with every feeling that came up, and some of them weren't so good. And those times really helped me recenter and relax again and feel like everything was okay.
*dreamy sigh* I slept HARD last night. I even dreamt about the end of the world. Nice, huh? It was a little scarey, but really, it was pretty. :)
Wheezer ROCKS. GIRL IF YOU'RE WONDERING IF I WANT YOU TO, I WANT YOU TO...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
If I'm Right...are you Wrong?
I don't buy it for a minute but I have to remind myself of it. As humans, it's what we do: judge others. It's why politics work, why religions work, why wars exist. We are right, and they are wrong.
But I don't think so. I think we are all right. Can't we be? If we all perceive the world in different ways, why can't we come to our own conclusions without making other people wrong?
Oh, I'm not great at this. I'm better than I was. But it doesn't take much to get me going. Today: parenting styles. But I keep learning - immediately after I want to judge- that I can't.
Do you know why? I see these kids turning out fine, anyway. And then I see parents doing the very best they can, and their kids going ape shit on them anyway. So it's probably just another mind screw thing, right? We do the best we can with what we have, and it's a coin flip on how the kids deal?
Isn't that great? I'm off the hook. I don't have to judge anyone, AND I don't have to carry a ton of parental guilt around because it isn't worth it. Someone might have completely different ideas than me, and they are just as right as I am! OR, just as wrong. Anyways, it's a win-win. Our different perspectives and different perceptions and our different experiences all color the sky a different color for each of us. And it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
;)
But I don't think so. I think we are all right. Can't we be? If we all perceive the world in different ways, why can't we come to our own conclusions without making other people wrong?
Oh, I'm not great at this. I'm better than I was. But it doesn't take much to get me going. Today: parenting styles. But I keep learning - immediately after I want to judge- that I can't.
Do you know why? I see these kids turning out fine, anyway. And then I see parents doing the very best they can, and their kids going ape shit on them anyway. So it's probably just another mind screw thing, right? We do the best we can with what we have, and it's a coin flip on how the kids deal?
Isn't that great? I'm off the hook. I don't have to judge anyone, AND I don't have to carry a ton of parental guilt around because it isn't worth it. Someone might have completely different ideas than me, and they are just as right as I am! OR, just as wrong. Anyways, it's a win-win. Our different perspectives and different perceptions and our different experiences all color the sky a different color for each of us. And it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
;)
I set a new record.
It took 3 nights of having 5 kids before I hit the proverbial wall. And if it were just Tayler here tonight along with mine, I'd probably- PROBABLY- be fine. But it's Chuckie and Samantha, and my kids going ape because Zach and Kylie are on their way, too. 9 kids here is too much. Momma broken.
Sending Chuckie and Samantha home. Zach and Kylie + Tayler+ mine...but Shawn will be here too and another adult around counts.
I'm going to have a glass of Baileys. Right now. : ) Yes I am!
Sending Chuckie and Samantha home. Zach and Kylie + Tayler+ mine...but Shawn will be here too and another adult around counts.
I'm going to have a glass of Baileys. Right now. : ) Yes I am!
Tayler Michelle interview#2
1. If you were going to write a story, what would it be about?
Animals and how they live and what they do.
2. Even though you don't want kids, how many do you think you'll have when you grow up?
At the most 2. One boy, one girl. Alex for the girl, Logan for a boy.
3. What's your favorite vegetable?
Carrots.
4. Who is your craziest friend?
Kayla, she's just orginally crazy.
5. What color do you want your hair to be?
BROWN.
6. What is your future husband like?
I don't know. What I want? Rich, famous, has a ton of animals, lives in Las Vegas, in a mansion, he's a supersta, brown or blonde hair, brown eyes.
7. Are you going to vote when you get old enough?
no. It's stupid.You vote for someone ...(flustered)..it's just stupid.
8. What do you like the most about your Grampa Dandley?
I don't really like anything about him. He's rude and disrespectful and makes fun of people.
9. What do you like best about your Grampa Hayes?
Funny, nice, courageous (has no reason for that one, I asked), he's a holy angel.
10. What do you like best about your Gramma Hayes?
She's courageous, very tough, nice, holy angel.
11. If you could tell the world what it's like to be you at 13 years old, what would you tell them?
It's tough because (sigh)(pause), it's hard to be a teenager. Because you have to carry a 20 pound backpack around, alot of boys think you're ugly or stupid, there's a lot of drama "especially in beacon prep".
12. One more...drugs...will you try them?
Yes, I will. No, I'm just kidding. (I grilled her. So far, so good).
Animals and how they live and what they do.
2. Even though you don't want kids, how many do you think you'll have when you grow up?
At the most 2. One boy, one girl. Alex for the girl, Logan for a boy.
3. What's your favorite vegetable?
Carrots.
4. Who is your craziest friend?
Kayla, she's just orginally crazy.
5. What color do you want your hair to be?
BROWN.
6. What is your future husband like?
I don't know. What I want? Rich, famous, has a ton of animals, lives in Las Vegas, in a mansion, he's a supersta, brown or blonde hair, brown eyes.
7. Are you going to vote when you get old enough?
no. It's stupid.You vote for someone ...(flustered)..it's just stupid.
8. What do you like the most about your Grampa Dandley?
I don't really like anything about him. He's rude and disrespectful and makes fun of people.
9. What do you like best about your Grampa Hayes?
Funny, nice, courageous (has no reason for that one, I asked), he's a holy angel.
10. What do you like best about your Gramma Hayes?
She's courageous, very tough, nice, holy angel.
11. If you could tell the world what it's like to be you at 13 years old, what would you tell them?
It's tough because (sigh)(pause), it's hard to be a teenager. Because you have to carry a 20 pound backpack around, alot of boys think you're ugly or stupid, there's a lot of drama "especially in beacon prep".
12. One more...drugs...will you try them?
Yes, I will. No, I'm just kidding. (I grilled her. So far, so good).
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Ah-HA!
I did just figure out why that worked for me. Well, now I'm scared to pieces over BM's reaction, but it'll be okay. Why that worked is because it's so rare for anyone to think "outside" the VERY SMALL box- we don't tend to question ANYTHING! From religion, to education, to parenting to working...we follow the path, we do as we're told is "good" to do, or "right" to do....so that's why it works. No one questions anything enough, but often something like a kidney donation will at the very least make people say WHY THE HELL WOULD DO YOU THAT? And at the very, very least, I will have made them turn their heads from staring straight ahead for a second, they looked off the path, into the forest, where the Wild Things Are. :P
Whew.
I should have a fricken degree. HAHAHAHAHAH
Whew.
I should have a fricken degree. HAHAHAHAHAH
They Psychology of a WhackJob
Have you ever felt so strongly about a thing, or about some things, but in general, the public tends to disagree, or at the very least they just go with whatever it told to them..and since it doesn't make any sense to try to yell loud enough for everyone to hear (something like "Why aren't you questioning this?!"), you then decide that you'll take a different subject altogether, but still one that will get a reaction, and bring that to some poor, unsuspecting soul? Something like a kidney donation...
That's what I'm going to do right now.
: ) I'm BEAMING. It's going to be fun. Hopefully it will cure my need.
*sent email*
*giggle*
UPDATE---> mildly satisfying. I got the normal OMG You are crazy, which I get one way or another usually throughout the course of a day anyway. I'll have to try again. Gotta think, gotta think, gotta try.... (Stanley...anyone watch that? Is it even still on?). Okay, I'll go higher up the ladder to my favorite VP. Not that anyone should really even CARE, I get that...and normally I'm slightly irritated by the way that lots of people make it personal to *them* somehow, but now I'm LOOKING for a reaction. WHACK JOB. Oh well. Here I go!
***UPDATE AGAIN*** WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS!? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE STOP ME WHEN I'M BEING IMPULSIVE LIKE THAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could almost break a sweat now. Holy crap. Please, World, remind me that he already knows me full well enough to not be too surprised. WHY DID I THINK THAT WAS GOING TO BE FUN!?!??!
That's what I'm going to do right now.
: ) I'm BEAMING. It's going to be fun. Hopefully it will cure my need.
*sent email*
*giggle*
UPDATE---> mildly satisfying. I got the normal OMG You are crazy, which I get one way or another usually throughout the course of a day anyway. I'll have to try again. Gotta think, gotta think, gotta try.... (Stanley...anyone watch that? Is it even still on?). Okay, I'll go higher up the ladder to my favorite VP. Not that anyone should really even CARE, I get that...and normally I'm slightly irritated by the way that lots of people make it personal to *them* somehow, but now I'm LOOKING for a reaction. WHACK JOB. Oh well. Here I go!
***UPDATE AGAIN*** WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS!? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE STOP ME WHEN I'M BEING IMPULSIVE LIKE THAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could almost break a sweat now. Holy crap. Please, World, remind me that he already knows me full well enough to not be too surprised. WHY DID I THINK THAT WAS GOING TO BE FUN!?!??!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Interview with Tayler Michelle
Tayler Michelle
Bday November 28, 1996
Stats:
Longest, bestest head of long blonde gorgeous hair EVER.
Blue eyes
tall
Beautiful
Mood:
happy and content
Question 1: What is your favorite song(s)?
Everyone Cared by Nickelback
Naturally by Selena Gomez
Question 2: Who are your best friends right now?
Grace Burkholder, Grace Boe, Kayla Rimeraz,Ashlynn Ekholm,Hanna McNeal (kind of), Brekken Hive, Megan Shaw, Dani Deveri, Madelynn Bronko, Shelby Marrs, and Jenny (she's Russian and her last name is impossible)
Question 3: What makes them your best friends?
They are nice, funny, just plain ole awesome.
Question 4: Are you a good friend?
Well, lets just say it depends on which friend you're talking about and what they think.
Question 5: Is there anyone you're mean to?
Shayla.
Question 6: Why?
Because she's mean to me. She yells at me for no reason and hates everyone.
Question 7: What's your favorite color?
Blue and Black
Question 8: What boy(s) do you like?
Caleb
Question 9: What do you like about Caleb?
He's cute, funny and nice.
Question 10: What do you want to be when you grow up?
An animal rescuer in Phoenix, AZ. And be on TV. That's why I want to go there.
Question 11: What's it like being the youngest in your family?
It sucks, like crap. Everyone has a girlfriend or boyfriend they are always making out with in front of me. They boss me around.
Question 12: In what ways do your mom and dad show you that they love you?
They care for me, they feed me, let me live there, buy me things.
Question 13: How many kids will you have when you grow up?
ZERO (answered before I was done asking). Unless I adopt. I don't want to have to push a baby out. That's why I want to get my uterus removed.
Question 14: Who's your favorite aunt?
Everyone. Including Erin. I can't pick. You're all nice. (She means me.)
Question 15: Who's your favorite uncle?
Shawn. He's funny.
Question 16: Have you ever drank alcohol before?
Yes. Beer, wine.
Question 17: TAYLER! Have you been drunk?
No. (told me real story after answering)
Question 18: What's your favorite animal(s)?
ALL of them.
Question 19: What's better, oceans or mountains?
Oceans.
Question 20: Did you love Walt Disney World?
YES. and Disney Land. Liked both the same, can't remember Disney World.
Question 21: Do you think school is important?
No.
Question 22: Why not?
It's boring.
Question 23: What are you good at in school?
Math and reading.
Question 24: What are the best things about you?
I'm funny and nice and pretty.
Question 25: If you saw someone getting picked on in school, what would you do? Ignore it, make the mean person stop, or help make fun of the person?
I'd make the mean person stop.
Question 26: How could school be more interesting for you?
If we had recess it would be good. I want to learn about what I care about. A fountain that squirted chocolate milk would rock too.
Questin 27: Smoking- cool or stupid?
STOOOOOPID.
Question 28: How old should a person be before the have sex?
18 at the least.
Question 29: Favorite memory?
One of them is at school when Karl was taking off his sweatshirt and accidentally took off his shirt too.
Question 30: Plans for your future?
This summer I'm going to babysit, dog sit/walk, work at animal shelter. I'm going to hang out with Kayla, she'll help me, and Shelby too.
This concludes this interview.
Bday November 28, 1996
Stats:
Longest, bestest head of long blonde gorgeous hair EVER.
Blue eyes
tall
Beautiful
Mood:
happy and content
Question 1: What is your favorite song(s)?
Everyone Cared by Nickelback
Naturally by Selena Gomez
Question 2: Who are your best friends right now?
Grace Burkholder, Grace Boe, Kayla Rimeraz,Ashlynn Ekholm,Hanna McNeal (kind of), Brekken Hive, Megan Shaw, Dani Deveri, Madelynn Bronko, Shelby Marrs, and Jenny (she's Russian and her last name is impossible)
Question 3: What makes them your best friends?
They are nice, funny, just plain ole awesome.
Question 4: Are you a good friend?
Well, lets just say it depends on which friend you're talking about and what they think.
Question 5: Is there anyone you're mean to?
Shayla.
Question 6: Why?
Because she's mean to me. She yells at me for no reason and hates everyone.
Question 7: What's your favorite color?
Blue and Black
Question 8: What boy(s) do you like?
Caleb
Question 9: What do you like about Caleb?
He's cute, funny and nice.
Question 10: What do you want to be when you grow up?
An animal rescuer in Phoenix, AZ. And be on TV. That's why I want to go there.
Question 11: What's it like being the youngest in your family?
It sucks, like crap. Everyone has a girlfriend or boyfriend they are always making out with in front of me. They boss me around.
Question 12: In what ways do your mom and dad show you that they love you?
They care for me, they feed me, let me live there, buy me things.
Question 13: How many kids will you have when you grow up?
ZERO (answered before I was done asking). Unless I adopt. I don't want to have to push a baby out. That's why I want to get my uterus removed.
Question 14: Who's your favorite aunt?
Everyone. Including Erin. I can't pick. You're all nice. (She means me.)
Question 15: Who's your favorite uncle?
Shawn. He's funny.
Question 16: Have you ever drank alcohol before?
Yes. Beer, wine.
Question 17: TAYLER! Have you been drunk?
No. (told me real story after answering)
Question 18: What's your favorite animal(s)?
ALL of them.
Question 19: What's better, oceans or mountains?
Oceans.
Question 20: Did you love Walt Disney World?
YES. and Disney Land. Liked both the same, can't remember Disney World.
Question 21: Do you think school is important?
No.
Question 22: Why not?
It's boring.
Question 23: What are you good at in school?
Math and reading.
Question 24: What are the best things about you?
I'm funny and nice and pretty.
Question 25: If you saw someone getting picked on in school, what would you do? Ignore it, make the mean person stop, or help make fun of the person?
I'd make the mean person stop.
Question 26: How could school be more interesting for you?
If we had recess it would be good. I want to learn about what I care about. A fountain that squirted chocolate milk would rock too.
Questin 27: Smoking- cool or stupid?
STOOOOOPID.
Question 28: How old should a person be before the have sex?
18 at the least.
Question 29: Favorite memory?
One of them is at school when Karl was taking off his sweatshirt and accidentally took off his shirt too.
Question 30: Plans for your future?
This summer I'm going to babysit, dog sit/walk, work at animal shelter. I'm going to hang out with Kayla, she'll help me, and Shelby too.
This concludes this interview.
I'm annoying and here is proof.
I was thinking about the fact that we all go through almost the exact same things in life, and in marriage. I know that I have some horribly irritating traits that Cullen has had to overcome in order to not beat me to death. What fun is it to keep them in? I'll show you mine...
1. I have to be the most irritating backseat driver EVER. I can barely stop myself. I try, I really do.
2. Also in the car, I can't leave the radio on one station. I need to hear the next best song, NOW.
3. Talk radio in the car makes me want to crash. It's like having an extra 3 kids in the car.
4. I never remember where I put my keys. If you need them, check my jacket pocket or purse and leave me alone. I have enough other stuff to remember.
5. I happen to think that I keep up with 4 kids very well as far as keeping the house clean, but every now and then I say SCREW IT and I stop cleaning. Sometimes for a full day. Cullen does not like this very much.
6. Never ending laundry is the same. Now and then I go on strike for 2 full days, to everyone's dismay.
7. Sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone, so I stop responding to phone calls and emails, for the break. This annoyes just about everyone I know at some point.
8. I take the vaccuum out, use it, and then leave it out. Cullen hates this too, but I can use the thing every hour or so, so why put it away???? When I put it away I don't vaccuum for a couple days.
9. I'm impulsive. Everyone knows this. But if you were Cullen, you might find it a little more irritating because I also really want to get my way and I hate obstacles more than anything in the world. How do you think I ended up with a hysterectomy and my gall bladder out? :) I won't be stopped, dammit!
10. In general, I'd rather stay home than go out. Well, this is more true if the people we're going out with are going out to drink. That isn't fun to me and I don't want to go. Cullen doesn't like to go out without me, so he gets crabby. If we're going out to eat though...well, talk to me! YUM!
See? How can you possibly STAND ME? hahhahahahahha! But really. I should try not to be so irritating with some of that. I vow, right here infront of all 2 of you, to stop backseat driving IMMEDIATELY, and UNCONDITIONALLY. If he gets into a car accident with me and the kids, THEN I will have earned the right not non stop micromanaging his driving. :) GOOD?
1. I have to be the most irritating backseat driver EVER. I can barely stop myself. I try, I really do.
2. Also in the car, I can't leave the radio on one station. I need to hear the next best song, NOW.
3. Talk radio in the car makes me want to crash. It's like having an extra 3 kids in the car.
4. I never remember where I put my keys. If you need them, check my jacket pocket or purse and leave me alone. I have enough other stuff to remember.
5. I happen to think that I keep up with 4 kids very well as far as keeping the house clean, but every now and then I say SCREW IT and I stop cleaning. Sometimes for a full day. Cullen does not like this very much.
6. Never ending laundry is the same. Now and then I go on strike for 2 full days, to everyone's dismay.
7. Sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone, so I stop responding to phone calls and emails, for the break. This annoyes just about everyone I know at some point.
8. I take the vaccuum out, use it, and then leave it out. Cullen hates this too, but I can use the thing every hour or so, so why put it away???? When I put it away I don't vaccuum for a couple days.
9. I'm impulsive. Everyone knows this. But if you were Cullen, you might find it a little more irritating because I also really want to get my way and I hate obstacles more than anything in the world. How do you think I ended up with a hysterectomy and my gall bladder out? :) I won't be stopped, dammit!
10. In general, I'd rather stay home than go out. Well, this is more true if the people we're going out with are going out to drink. That isn't fun to me and I don't want to go. Cullen doesn't like to go out without me, so he gets crabby. If we're going out to eat though...well, talk to me! YUM!
See? How can you possibly STAND ME? hahhahahahahha! But really. I should try not to be so irritating with some of that. I vow, right here infront of all 2 of you, to stop backseat driving IMMEDIATELY, and UNCONDITIONALLY. If he gets into a car accident with me and the kids, THEN I will have earned the right not non stop micromanaging his driving. :) GOOD?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Chatty Cathy!
I have a nice Mediterrainian (SP!!!) salad from Noodles and Co here, and a m+m concrete mixer from Culvers. Not because of last night, he wanted me to know, but because he loves me. :) hehe. Either way. YUM.
Julia set Jordan up to color on the floor of the kitchen. She gave him a couple of scoops of crayons and took the rest to the breakfast bar for herself. He got up, went to get something and when he came back, he accidentally kicked the big pile of crayons, scattering them everywhere on the kitchen floor. I aske him to clean them up and he pouted. Julia piped in that she would help. She had about half of them cleaned up and that little punk hadn't done a thing, so I asked her to stop, and Jordan started to cry. Then get an attitude. So I sent The Cutest 3 Year Old Ever to his room, where he was screaming and carrying on. His instructions were that he could come out when he was ready to clean up the crayons. This, of course, just kills Julia. She can't stand to hear her baby cry like that. She got his blanket and asked me sweetly, "Mommy, really, I don't mind. Can I clean up the crayons?" So I looked her straight in her big blue eyes and said "This is why you can't. Jordan doesn't like to do things for himself because he has the best big sister in the universe, and you love to do things for him and help him out. So you can't this time, but thank you." My sweet girl paced for about 2 minutes waiting for the screaming to stop. When he finally came out and started cleaning up the rest of the crayons, she was nearby saying "Good job, Jordan! You're doing good!"
I swear, I am going to eat her up one of these times. She has such a sweet, sweet heart.
Julia set Jordan up to color on the floor of the kitchen. She gave him a couple of scoops of crayons and took the rest to the breakfast bar for herself. He got up, went to get something and when he came back, he accidentally kicked the big pile of crayons, scattering them everywhere on the kitchen floor. I aske him to clean them up and he pouted. Julia piped in that she would help. She had about half of them cleaned up and that little punk hadn't done a thing, so I asked her to stop, and Jordan started to cry. Then get an attitude. So I sent The Cutest 3 Year Old Ever to his room, where he was screaming and carrying on. His instructions were that he could come out when he was ready to clean up the crayons. This, of course, just kills Julia. She can't stand to hear her baby cry like that. She got his blanket and asked me sweetly, "Mommy, really, I don't mind. Can I clean up the crayons?" So I looked her straight in her big blue eyes and said "This is why you can't. Jordan doesn't like to do things for himself because he has the best big sister in the universe, and you love to do things for him and help him out. So you can't this time, but thank you." My sweet girl paced for about 2 minutes waiting for the screaming to stop. When he finally came out and started cleaning up the rest of the crayons, she was nearby saying "Good job, Jordan! You're doing good!"
I swear, I am going to eat her up one of these times. She has such a sweet, sweet heart.
Eawy Come Easy Go!
Well, I have to say that one of my bestest features is my incredible ability to let it go. Cullen said sorry, and he meant it. Then ....it's over. OVER. Done. I feel better (I'm sparing you my tirade about how stupid gross it is that he can't control himself, and his retort wondering asking me how often this *really* happens, and my comeback that it doesn't matter how often it is, the fact that it's recurring needs to SPEAK VOLUMES to him, all spat in a rude tone because I'm a brat.).
Yay.
Yay.
Yeah, not so much.
Well, WHAT! I'm human.
I woke him up again, but he didn't get out of bed. The kids walked to school instead. He was mad because he let me sleep in til 9:30 yesterday and here I was trying to wake him up at 9. Well, I let HIM sleep in til 10:30 Saturday. Do those pissing matches ever work out in the end?
So, my stupid idiot is still sleeping at 10:44am.
Now I'm MAD.
I hope he sleeps all day. I have no plans on waking him up to go to work.
I don't think I get mad at him that often about too many different things. I think that THIS particular theme comes up too often. And what haven't I heard? "I'll drink beer, that won't kick my ass as much." "Oh, it's just been so hard on me to be away from you and the kids" (so get wasted and hungover and don't wake up and spend any time with us at all, that's BRILLIANT!) or "I was fine, then it all hit at once." I'm so tired of hearing about it. SO TIRED.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know I'll like him again sometime this week, but I really don't like him right now. I have 4 kids, a full time job and a house to run. I REALLY don't need his stupid immature antics on top of it.
Love,
Completely Judgemental Me.
I woke him up again, but he didn't get out of bed. The kids walked to school instead. He was mad because he let me sleep in til 9:30 yesterday and here I was trying to wake him up at 9. Well, I let HIM sleep in til 10:30 Saturday. Do those pissing matches ever work out in the end?
So, my stupid idiot is still sleeping at 10:44am.
Now I'm MAD.
I hope he sleeps all day. I have no plans on waking him up to go to work.
I don't think I get mad at him that often about too many different things. I think that THIS particular theme comes up too often. And what haven't I heard? "I'll drink beer, that won't kick my ass as much." "Oh, it's just been so hard on me to be away from you and the kids" (so get wasted and hungover and don't wake up and spend any time with us at all, that's BRILLIANT!) or "I was fine, then it all hit at once." I'm so tired of hearing about it. SO TIRED.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know I'll like him again sometime this week, but I really don't like him right now. I have 4 kids, a full time job and a house to run. I REALLY don't need his stupid immature antics on top of it.
Love,
Completely Judgemental Me.
The Gift
My weekly powerful question this morning is : What Gifts Come From A Full Commitment?
So this morning I'm thinking about it. Most people in my life I'm fully committed to. There is one in particular that requires every last everything I've got in order to keep it going. That would be my marriage, of course. The biggest blessing and most enormous challenge in the world sometimes.
I can't pretend to understand the inability to stay sober, or guage how drunk one is getting and STOPPING. I don't get it. And I judge it HARSHLY because there is too much or it around me. It stumbled and fell in the bedroom at 2am. It stumbled around the room later trying to get out to go to the bathroom. It's irritating and by far the grossest aspect of the person I love.
He's still in bed now. There is a passive aggressive part of me what wants to let him sleep until 1:30pm, wake him up and let him rush around getting ready for work. I can stay mean to him then. He was of no help with the kids last night because he was a worthless drunk asshole. He would be of no help with them this morning either.
Option 2: Wake him up nice and early to teach him a lesson in being responsible. His 4 responsibilities don't go away because he's an idiot when it comes to drinking. For all the shit I've taken from him over the years about me not wanting to be hungover the next day- I have to say, I win. How rude to purposely put yourself in a position when you SUCK as a parent because you couldn't control yourself. Stupid. I could let the kids go in and jump on him. But I'd still be doing it to be a bitch because I think he's stupid right now.
Option 3: the kids wish to have a ride down the block to school instead of walking because it's snowing. They could deal with walking, instead, I went to ask Cullen if he'd get up and take them so I don't have to haul all four out the door. He said yes.
But the dilemma is that he is fast asleep again. I'm struggling here, people! I can do it myself and have another thing to hang over (hahhaha I'm PUNNY!) his stupid hung over head later. Or I can nicely go wake him up again. The 5th kid. I have to mommy him like I do them. That's irritating too.
I wonder what I'm going to do. I wonder what I'm going to do, I wonder what I'm going to do.....
Stay tuned. One thing I know...I'm sure to do SOMETHING. Dear God, help me. Am I big enough to do this without being hateful?
So this morning I'm thinking about it. Most people in my life I'm fully committed to. There is one in particular that requires every last everything I've got in order to keep it going. That would be my marriage, of course. The biggest blessing and most enormous challenge in the world sometimes.
I can't pretend to understand the inability to stay sober, or guage how drunk one is getting and STOPPING. I don't get it. And I judge it HARSHLY because there is too much or it around me. It stumbled and fell in the bedroom at 2am. It stumbled around the room later trying to get out to go to the bathroom. It's irritating and by far the grossest aspect of the person I love.
He's still in bed now. There is a passive aggressive part of me what wants to let him sleep until 1:30pm, wake him up and let him rush around getting ready for work. I can stay mean to him then. He was of no help with the kids last night because he was a worthless drunk asshole. He would be of no help with them this morning either.
Option 2: Wake him up nice and early to teach him a lesson in being responsible. His 4 responsibilities don't go away because he's an idiot when it comes to drinking. For all the shit I've taken from him over the years about me not wanting to be hungover the next day- I have to say, I win. How rude to purposely put yourself in a position when you SUCK as a parent because you couldn't control yourself. Stupid. I could let the kids go in and jump on him. But I'd still be doing it to be a bitch because I think he's stupid right now.
Option 3: the kids wish to have a ride down the block to school instead of walking because it's snowing. They could deal with walking, instead, I went to ask Cullen if he'd get up and take them so I don't have to haul all four out the door. He said yes.
But the dilemma is that he is fast asleep again. I'm struggling here, people! I can do it myself and have another thing to hang over (hahhaha I'm PUNNY!) his stupid hung over head later. Or I can nicely go wake him up again. The 5th kid. I have to mommy him like I do them. That's irritating too.
I wonder what I'm going to do. I wonder what I'm going to do, I wonder what I'm going to do.....
Stay tuned. One thing I know...I'm sure to do SOMETHING. Dear God, help me. Am I big enough to do this without being hateful?
Friday, February 5, 2010
I TOLD YOU!
Well, friends, I found out what I'll do when I'm bored by the day in and out routine. And, I have to tell you that my normally level headed Nicki Life Helmet Cullen was of no help at all. No, he helped. He was shaking his head and muttering something about buckling up his seatbelt because the ride was starting again, but he didn't stop me.
I was on Craigslist, looking for a treadmill/clothes hanger. Then it went to weights (for Cullen), and then:
I have 2 dogs that I need to find a good home for. The only reason I am letting them go is because I don't have the time to take good care of them do to my job. I would like to see them go to the same family as they are very close.
I do want to make sure that they go to a family that will have the time to take care of them that I don't.
Bubba will be 3 in April and is a male Black lab/ boarder collie.
Myka just turned 1 in November and is a male boxer.
They are both fixed, current on all shots, house broke and love kids.
Please email me with any questions.
Brent
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
And Cullen sat right next to me as I hit reply and replied to Brent. Now, the good news is that I can't lose. If they are more than 20 miles away, we're not doing it. Or, if I come to my senses before then, we're not doing it. I TOLD YOU, I am nothing but a pain in the ass when I get bored. It's how every single thing gets started.
Oh, well.
You'd think that all the pizza I ate yesterday and today would help me poop, wouldn't you? But no, stopped up, no exit, nuh-uh, not happening, sheer torture going on in my intestines. I bet I'm growing a stinkin baseball. I ate a fiber bar and drank a ton of water, but it's too late. The baseball will need to be unlodged first. I don't know what I've done to deserve this. After giving birth to 4 watermelons, you'd think I'd get a free pass on giving birth from that particular hole. *sigh* If you hear distance screaming, it's just me.
I'm happy to report that my writing doesn't suck. I reread everything I have so far, and I think it's really pretty decent. I'm digging the story line, and the characters are really coming to life. It feels like I'm not writing it. I like it alot. Even if I don't do a thing with it, it's alot of fun and a great distraction. Apparently not a BIG ENOUGH one, since I'd have me a couple of dogs if Brent replied, but you know. I should get points for trying.
UGH. TUMMY.
I LOVE JEN, CHRIS, IAN AND QUINNY! SMOOCHES! Thank you so so so so much for coming over. That was so good for me. I love you guys!
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
I was on Craigslist, looking for a treadmill/clothes hanger. Then it went to weights (for Cullen), and then:
I have 2 dogs that I need to find a good home for. The only reason I am letting them go is because I don't have the time to take good care of them do to my job. I would like to see them go to the same family as they are very close.
I do want to make sure that they go to a family that will have the time to take care of them that I don't.
Bubba will be 3 in April and is a male Black lab/ boarder collie.
Myka just turned 1 in November and is a male boxer.
They are both fixed, current on all shots, house broke and love kids.
Please email me with any questions.
Brent
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
And Cullen sat right next to me as I hit reply and replied to Brent. Now, the good news is that I can't lose. If they are more than 20 miles away, we're not doing it. Or, if I come to my senses before then, we're not doing it. I TOLD YOU, I am nothing but a pain in the ass when I get bored. It's how every single thing gets started.
Oh, well.
You'd think that all the pizza I ate yesterday and today would help me poop, wouldn't you? But no, stopped up, no exit, nuh-uh, not happening, sheer torture going on in my intestines. I bet I'm growing a stinkin baseball. I ate a fiber bar and drank a ton of water, but it's too late. The baseball will need to be unlodged first. I don't know what I've done to deserve this. After giving birth to 4 watermelons, you'd think I'd get a free pass on giving birth from that particular hole. *sigh* If you hear distance screaming, it's just me.
I'm happy to report that my writing doesn't suck. I reread everything I have so far, and I think it's really pretty decent. I'm digging the story line, and the characters are really coming to life. It feels like I'm not writing it. I like it alot. Even if I don't do a thing with it, it's alot of fun and a great distraction. Apparently not a BIG ENOUGH one, since I'd have me a couple of dogs if Brent replied, but you know. I should get points for trying.
UGH. TUMMY.
I LOVE JEN, CHRIS, IAN AND QUINNY! SMOOCHES! Thank you so so so so much for coming over. That was so good for me. I love you guys!
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I love Diaries that talk back.
My Dear Diary Who Talks Back had a most excellent reply today for me. DD does not wish to be identified, and I must respect that, but it was too good to not keep for future reference and reflection. So, with all credit given to the smartest DD in the world ( I should really do an I love entry for it), here is my reply to my question of "Should I write? Should I not? Commit to it? Go for it? Pass it by?":
DD says:
Well.... that depends on whether you're a writer.
I'll over-generalize for effect, but If you're a writer (or any other type of artist), the work is its own reward and its a bonus if anybody else reads it, or gets it if they do read it. It's a form of expression and not a product or a means to any end, including any type of recognition or financial success. In fact, many of our greatest writers had to expressly NOT be concerned how their work would be received, but felt compelled by passion or sense of purpose to speak their piece to whatever ends would result. I daresay it doesn't matter how many authors there are, every one has a different gift and totally unique perspective and would never consider the effort spent putting word to "paper" a waste, but would rather consider time spent NOT writing a waste.
So I ask again... are you a writer? And if so - what's the question???
;-)
I don't know for sure what I'll do with that, but ain't it grand? Gotta LOVE diaries that talk back. FO REAL!
DD says:
Well.... that depends on whether you're a writer.
I'll over-generalize for effect, but If you're a writer (or any other type of artist), the work is its own reward and its a bonus if anybody else reads it, or gets it if they do read it. It's a form of expression and not a product or a means to any end, including any type of recognition or financial success. In fact, many of our greatest writers had to expressly NOT be concerned how their work would be received, but felt compelled by passion or sense of purpose to speak their piece to whatever ends would result. I daresay it doesn't matter how many authors there are, every one has a different gift and totally unique perspective and would never consider the effort spent putting word to "paper" a waste, but would rather consider time spent NOT writing a waste.
So I ask again... are you a writer? And if so - what's the question???
;-)
I don't know for sure what I'll do with that, but ain't it grand? Gotta LOVE diaries that talk back. FO REAL!
What did I start?!
Why did I send the stupid thing out if I was going to avoid all call backs? What the hell is wrong with me????? Yup, it was another publisher. 2 out of 3. And I haven't contacted either one to get their information, because it still seems too overwhelming, like who would read my junk?!
Damn my silly, silly head.
Okay...conversing with Karen is okay. I stopped being so scared. I'll ust keep writing my thing and see what comes out of it. The right thing always happens. It's annoying to hear, but true none the less. If I'm good enough, if I find a publisher that I like enough, well, it's probably a duck. :P
Did I tell you about Josh the other night? I was tackling Jordan and he smelled like Cullen. I asked him, suspiciously, "Jordan....why do you smell like a man?" and Josh, who was not paying any obvious attention to us at all says "If it smells like a man, and tastes like a man...it's probably a man!" and cracked me right up. Funniest 6 year old ever.
Damn my silly, silly head.
Okay...conversing with Karen is okay. I stopped being so scared. I'll ust keep writing my thing and see what comes out of it. The right thing always happens. It's annoying to hear, but true none the less. If I'm good enough, if I find a publisher that I like enough, well, it's probably a duck. :P
Did I tell you about Josh the other night? I was tackling Jordan and he smelled like Cullen. I asked him, suspiciously, "Jordan....why do you smell like a man?" and Josh, who was not paying any obvious attention to us at all says "If it smells like a man, and tastes like a man...it's probably a man!" and cracked me right up. Funniest 6 year old ever.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
No really, we're platonic...
Okay, I have a big problem with the word platonic. Gotta puke it out, sorry!
First of all- have you read the definition of it? At first I was like AWWWW, but then I was like WTF!
Platonic:
1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of Plato or his philosophy: Platonic dialogues; Platonic ontology.
2. often platonic Transcending physical desire and tending toward the purely spiritual or ideal: platonic love.
3. often platonic Speculative or theoretical.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, this irritates me. First of all, we, as a species, rarely use it in the proper sense, I think. I'm irritated because I feel connected to the people I love deeply, and it DOES go further than physical desire--- hello, I have girlfriends! But I feel affectionate towards them...I feel like platonic is meaning that we are not to feel affection at all. I DO feel affections towards my male friends too. Sometimes I sit in meetings and look at D and send him love, I think to myself "Please be happy, please have a really good life going on away from here" and I'd totally hug him if it were the littlest bit appropriate. B, too. I LOVE my VP, and not just because he's a brilliant VP. I love who he is as a person. If you believe some religions, physical desire IS a lower desire, dirty, bad, and only special people like priests and monks can transcend and be holy. BULLSHIT. I call bullshit all over that- first of all....anyone who has to spend that much time trying to not feel physcial desire..well their life sucks. It's one of the funnest things in the whole wide world, and we are stupid people to try to downplay or squash that instead of enjoying it. Secondly, we're stupid people - kind of- to expect eachother to never feel affectionate toward anyone else. We get threatened so easily. Why is that? We're missing something, something big. Back to marriage, I guess- and how 50% end up divorced, and that number doesn't include the people staying for the kids....that doesn't include the people who are married having affairs...what are we missing?
It is possible to have affection without accidentally having sex, isn't it? I mean...we have the ability, if we so choose, to look at a feeling and acknowledge it, and not have to ACT on it, right? And if we do that very thing, if we see someone and think "wow, if I weren't married..." and we don't act on that, but can carry on a friendship with that person...well, isn't that beng PLATONIC (transcending physcial desire)? Isn't that a GOOD thing? How are we suposed to define LOVE? Isn't love all encompassing? If we love to spend time with someone, if we love someone as a person, isn't that all encompassing? Isn't affection part of that? We feel affection towards kids, other adults, our same sex friends (okay, guys might not feel that affectionate toward other guy friends)...loyalty is a show of affections, isn't it? To stick up for a friend when they aren't around, that's affection..
If we are hetrosexual, we are biologically made up to find the opposite sex attractive. Same as homosexual, of course, but for same sex. Not everyone will appeal to us, and personality plays into it, beliefs, etc, but what the hell is the deal with that being "bad"? We are suposed to NOT feel any of that EVER again when we say our vows? We get threatened so easily when we are afraid that someone we care about might feel attracted to/affection toward someone else also, and when I say that, I get why. I mean, people cheat. People do stupid, mean, things. I get that...but at the same time, we're digging our own hole, really. I think we'd be smarter to acknowledge that part of our humanness, and get the hell over it. If there is a friendship worth having, we can "transcend physical desire", right? And with that being said, I think people who reach "platonic" friendship/love/whatever are showing a beautiful strength, righteous character, and that their hearts are in the right place. Rant off.
GUESS WHO'S MOVING HOME?!?!?!?! ROSE, BOB AND THE KIDS!!! Marshall, MN...it's a few hours away but THEY'LL BE IN MN!!!!!!!! I couldn't be happier. It gave me happy tears when she told me. MN!!!!! I'm going to miss Arkansas, and I'm sure the move will be very emotional for them and the girls....but MINNESOTA!!!!!!!!! YAYAYYAYAYAY!! Bob will be here first, and the rest of the family after school's out.
Know what this means?
I'm not ever leaving MN.
GRRRR.
: )
I can't WAIT to have my family here!!!!
First of all- have you read the definition of it? At first I was like AWWWW, but then I was like WTF!
Platonic:
1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of Plato or his philosophy: Platonic dialogues; Platonic ontology.
2. often platonic Transcending physical desire and tending toward the purely spiritual or ideal: platonic love.
3. often platonic Speculative or theoretical.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, this irritates me. First of all, we, as a species, rarely use it in the proper sense, I think. I'm irritated because I feel connected to the people I love deeply, and it DOES go further than physical desire--- hello, I have girlfriends! But I feel affectionate towards them...I feel like platonic is meaning that we are not to feel affection at all. I DO feel affections towards my male friends too. Sometimes I sit in meetings and look at D and send him love, I think to myself "Please be happy, please have a really good life going on away from here" and I'd totally hug him if it were the littlest bit appropriate. B, too. I LOVE my VP, and not just because he's a brilliant VP. I love who he is as a person. If you believe some religions, physical desire IS a lower desire, dirty, bad, and only special people like priests and monks can transcend and be holy. BULLSHIT. I call bullshit all over that- first of all....anyone who has to spend that much time trying to not feel physcial desire..well their life sucks. It's one of the funnest things in the whole wide world, and we are stupid people to try to downplay or squash that instead of enjoying it. Secondly, we're stupid people - kind of- to expect eachother to never feel affectionate toward anyone else. We get threatened so easily. Why is that? We're missing something, something big. Back to marriage, I guess- and how 50% end up divorced, and that number doesn't include the people staying for the kids....that doesn't include the people who are married having affairs...what are we missing?
It is possible to have affection without accidentally having sex, isn't it? I mean...we have the ability, if we so choose, to look at a feeling and acknowledge it, and not have to ACT on it, right? And if we do that very thing, if we see someone and think "wow, if I weren't married..." and we don't act on that, but can carry on a friendship with that person...well, isn't that beng PLATONIC (transcending physcial desire)? Isn't that a GOOD thing? How are we suposed to define LOVE? Isn't love all encompassing? If we love to spend time with someone, if we love someone as a person, isn't that all encompassing? Isn't affection part of that? We feel affection towards kids, other adults, our same sex friends (okay, guys might not feel that affectionate toward other guy friends)...loyalty is a show of affections, isn't it? To stick up for a friend when they aren't around, that's affection..
If we are hetrosexual, we are biologically made up to find the opposite sex attractive. Same as homosexual, of course, but for same sex. Not everyone will appeal to us, and personality plays into it, beliefs, etc, but what the hell is the deal with that being "bad"? We are suposed to NOT feel any of that EVER again when we say our vows? We get threatened so easily when we are afraid that someone we care about might feel attracted to/affection toward someone else also, and when I say that, I get why. I mean, people cheat. People do stupid, mean, things. I get that...but at the same time, we're digging our own hole, really. I think we'd be smarter to acknowledge that part of our humanness, and get the hell over it. If there is a friendship worth having, we can "transcend physical desire", right? And with that being said, I think people who reach "platonic" friendship/love/whatever are showing a beautiful strength, righteous character, and that their hearts are in the right place. Rant off.
GUESS WHO'S MOVING HOME?!?!?!?! ROSE, BOB AND THE KIDS!!! Marshall, MN...it's a few hours away but THEY'LL BE IN MN!!!!!!!! I couldn't be happier. It gave me happy tears when she told me. MN!!!!! I'm going to miss Arkansas, and I'm sure the move will be very emotional for them and the girls....but MINNESOTA!!!!!!!!! YAYAYYAYAYAY!! Bob will be here first, and the rest of the family after school's out.
Know what this means?
I'm not ever leaving MN.
GRRRR.
: )
I can't WAIT to have my family here!!!!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A bored Nicki is nothing but trouble...
I am officially bored out of my mind. I've got work, and I'm working. I've got kids, and I'm mommying, but I'm bored out of my mind.
You've been warned.
You can't do anything to stop me.
Shit, *I* can't do anything to stop me.
I'm as clueless as you are to what I'm going to scare up to entertain us now. But we'll know SOON!
:) heheheh
You've been warned.
You can't do anything to stop me.
Shit, *I* can't do anything to stop me.
I'm as clueless as you are to what I'm going to scare up to entertain us now. But we'll know SOON!
:) heheheh
Forever In one day
Ever have one of those days when you wake up and feel like life is taking FOREVER and is creeping by at a snails pace? I'm sure it's just from winter STILL being here, and being tired of having to wake up and do the same things day in and out. I even know the cure for this feeling but if I'll use it, we'll see. I need to look at the moments that make up the moment, and enjoy everything that is NOT the same. I can laugh at Josh's funny face he made at me, and play with CJ since he wants it to be rhyme time this morning (everything you say has to rhyme). He just came up in navy boxer briefs and his sweatshirt and I said "That's awesome, go to school like that" and he called my bluff. Funny kid. See? I just have to be in the moment, fully.
But instead, I'm fantasizing about waking up in the morning when the sun is creeping up, and it's already warm out, so I throw open the kitchen window and start breakfast then. The kids get ready for school and go horse around outside, while I'm hollering "Don't get dirty just yet!" which is hopeless, but somehow necessary to say anyway. Then I round them up to eat, unless CJ made it for me that time, and they eat and pack their bags and the kids in their classes stop by to play before school too. I look like I just rolled out of bed- because I did, but I don't care. I feed my friends coffee and send them on their way because all the kids can walk to school together.
*sigh* Then I will take care of my work stuff and forward my phone ot my cell phone and we'll go for a walk to the park.
My insides almost feel better just dreaming.
THEN in the afternoon "my" other kids will come over to play with Julia and Jordan, and at 4 we'll all walk to get CJ and Josh. We'll come home and I'll feed them all a snack and start getting dinner ready. Then the neighbors start showing up after work for a cocktail and we decide we'll grill. More neighbors show up, and the kids are all playing and Cullen gets home from work and fires up the grill. The kids want a bonfire and we tell them that they can afterwards. Does it get any better than that? I NEED IT. NOW!
Cullen is apparently feeling it too because he is ready for me to book us a room on the North Shore for or anniversary. I wish I knew when surgery was so that I could plan when I'll be any good at all for going up.
Travis is a stalker. He called me again last night, I was in a book store, funny enough. Cullen's pretty sure that I want to go to vet school and then work in a zoo.
Too many choices, still overwhelming. UGH!
But instead, I'm fantasizing about waking up in the morning when the sun is creeping up, and it's already warm out, so I throw open the kitchen window and start breakfast then. The kids get ready for school and go horse around outside, while I'm hollering "Don't get dirty just yet!" which is hopeless, but somehow necessary to say anyway. Then I round them up to eat, unless CJ made it for me that time, and they eat and pack their bags and the kids in their classes stop by to play before school too. I look like I just rolled out of bed- because I did, but I don't care. I feed my friends coffee and send them on their way because all the kids can walk to school together.
*sigh* Then I will take care of my work stuff and forward my phone ot my cell phone and we'll go for a walk to the park.
My insides almost feel better just dreaming.
THEN in the afternoon "my" other kids will come over to play with Julia and Jordan, and at 4 we'll all walk to get CJ and Josh. We'll come home and I'll feed them all a snack and start getting dinner ready. Then the neighbors start showing up after work for a cocktail and we decide we'll grill. More neighbors show up, and the kids are all playing and Cullen gets home from work and fires up the grill. The kids want a bonfire and we tell them that they can afterwards. Does it get any better than that? I NEED IT. NOW!
Cullen is apparently feeling it too because he is ready for me to book us a room on the North Shore for or anniversary. I wish I knew when surgery was so that I could plan when I'll be any good at all for going up.
Travis is a stalker. He called me again last night, I was in a book store, funny enough. Cullen's pretty sure that I want to go to vet school and then work in a zoo.
Too many choices, still overwhelming. UGH!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Faster is not always better.
That, of course, applies to LOTS of things ,but in this case, one of the publishers just called me back. That is too fast. I just sent it in 2 days ago. 2 of the publishers that I sent it to really interested me. One publisher doesn't charge it's authors (giggle), they get their money from sales, or some such like that. The one that called me back today...well...they charge. And this is MY words, not theirs, but it seemed like my choices, in regards to their services, would go like this:
$799- we'll publish it, and try a little to get it to sell.
$999- we'll publish it, throw an ad out for it, and try a little harder to get it to sell.
all the way up to $3000, when they'll REALLY try.
PUKE ON THAT. I don't think so. Screw off. I don't have an insane need to have it OUT THERE or anything like that. So I am not calling Trevor back. Plus, he's a boy and he read my smut. Was he flirting with me on the message? HAHAHAHAHA.
Oh, for the love of God, he's emailed me also. TRAVIS. Well. whateva!
$799- we'll publish it, and try a little to get it to sell.
$999- we'll publish it, throw an ad out for it, and try a little harder to get it to sell.
all the way up to $3000, when they'll REALLY try.
PUKE ON THAT. I don't think so. Screw off. I don't have an insane need to have it OUT THERE or anything like that. So I am not calling Trevor back. Plus, he's a boy and he read my smut. Was he flirting with me on the message? HAHAHAHAHA.
Oh, for the love of God, he's emailed me also. TRAVIS. Well. whateva!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)