I just prematurely cut the next batch of brownies too. But it went slightly better because they have chocolate chip cookies in them. I know, right. YUM. Big glass of cold milk. Want some? Come on over. Here's how much I suck as Momma today.
Julia and Chuckie are on the couch playing a game.
I'm reprimanding her for being disrespectful to Jordan. I have a cookie brownie in my hand. Julia sees it.
"MOM! Can I try one of those?"
*shovelling it in my mouth* "No."
"Why?"
"Because." chewing. YUM.
:) They can have one in a little while, don't worry.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Don't blink...
or another 5 worthless posts will pop up.
Here is something that is completely irritating about me. It bothers ME and after 3...33? How old am I? ...32? I'm 33...after 33 years, I still haven't gotten my $hit together. Here is it:
When I bake brownies, I am NEVER EVER EVER patient enough to wait until they are cooled off enough to be able to cut them without butchering them.
I've been feeding people brownie blobs as long as I can remember. Not that they complain, but COME ON! Just LEAVE THEM ALONE! Nope, can't. Must cut when they are warm and gooey and blobby.
Oh well. If I cared that much, I'd have made the appropriate changes by now, right?
On the Nicki Totem Pole of Importance, it must not be that high up...but every time I do it, I curse out the Leo Impatientness.
Here is something that is completely irritating about me. It bothers ME and after 3...33? How old am I? ...32? I'm 33...after 33 years, I still haven't gotten my $hit together. Here is it:
When I bake brownies, I am NEVER EVER EVER patient enough to wait until they are cooled off enough to be able to cut them without butchering them.
I've been feeding people brownie blobs as long as I can remember. Not that they complain, but COME ON! Just LEAVE THEM ALONE! Nope, can't. Must cut when they are warm and gooey and blobby.
Oh well. If I cared that much, I'd have made the appropriate changes by now, right?
On the Nicki Totem Pole of Importance, it must not be that high up...but every time I do it, I curse out the Leo Impatientness.
#45,278
I'm doing it again. Right now. Leaving. It's wide open. I have an awful lot of faith in this world, don't I?
I'll work on that. Promise.
Going to get cookies.
I'll work on that. Promise.
Going to get cookies.
Irresponsible Thing I'm About To Do #45,277
I'm going to get food at Taco Bell for us because I don't want to cook. Every window and door is open. I'm just going to leave them.
Yes. I know.
Here I go anyway.
Yes. I know.
Here I go anyway.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Beautiful
Today is so beautiful. How many people are calling in sick on Wednesday? WHOOO HOOOO!
Today I'm waiting to hear from my mother in law on if we're coming over for dinner or not. See the not shocked face that she hasn't called back yet? Right. It's almost 5. I'm throwing our dinner together in 10 minutes if she doesn't call. That is so rude. She could call to say she isn't doing it.
My husbands is sleeping on the couch. Isn't that nice? I'm not going to complain about not sleeping in because lately it's been my choice to get up anyway, and I'm going to sleep in on Fri, Sat and Sunday coming up...but how nice for him. Sleep in all weekend and now napping on the couch. I supose he needs it. WHATEVA!
Lisa's best friend is already organizing food, and Tim (the dad) got them a freezer. I feel like completely useless again. Maybe I'll pick up some breakfast grocery food, easy stuff for the kids? I wonder what we could do to help Tim? Cullen got off the phone with him this morning and had tears. Poor, poor Tim. In some ways, Sandy saved Lisa though...if it hadn't been for Sandy, certainly Lisa wouldn't have been so diligent with watching for signs of it. I hate feeling useless.
I'm one week away from maybe getting matched!!!! Won't that be the bestest EVER! Waking up from THAT surgery and knowing that it was finally the surgery that I've been waiting for!
My head feels better today...and thank you to my beautiful friends. I know you are all right, I know. Thank you for understanding and making me not feel like a (bigger) freak (than i am). I LOVE YOU!
Cullen's not sleeping. HAHAHAH! BUSTED!
Today I'm waiting to hear from my mother in law on if we're coming over for dinner or not. See the not shocked face that she hasn't called back yet? Right. It's almost 5. I'm throwing our dinner together in 10 minutes if she doesn't call. That is so rude. She could call to say she isn't doing it.
My husbands is sleeping on the couch. Isn't that nice? I'm not going to complain about not sleeping in because lately it's been my choice to get up anyway, and I'm going to sleep in on Fri, Sat and Sunday coming up...but how nice for him. Sleep in all weekend and now napping on the couch. I supose he needs it. WHATEVA!
Lisa's best friend is already organizing food, and Tim (the dad) got them a freezer. I feel like completely useless again. Maybe I'll pick up some breakfast grocery food, easy stuff for the kids? I wonder what we could do to help Tim? Cullen got off the phone with him this morning and had tears. Poor, poor Tim. In some ways, Sandy saved Lisa though...if it hadn't been for Sandy, certainly Lisa wouldn't have been so diligent with watching for signs of it. I hate feeling useless.
I'm one week away from maybe getting matched!!!! Won't that be the bestest EVER! Waking up from THAT surgery and knowing that it was finally the surgery that I've been waiting for!
My head feels better today...and thank you to my beautiful friends. I know you are all right, I know. Thank you for understanding and making me not feel like a (bigger) freak (than i am). I LOVE YOU!
Cullen's not sleeping. HAHAHAH! BUSTED!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Nicki Island
My head...my head.
My head needs to vomit.
I'm trying, I promise I'm trying, and I WILL be fine, because I always am, but I'm in a weird mad/sad place.
I love my family to PIECES. I love them. There is no *particular* thing that occurs when I'm with them that causes this...I mean, we laugh SO HARD. I think I laughed til I cried every day that we were together. So you understand that this is just ME...being me.
I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I usually get a complex when I'm around the sisters because they are FAR more put together than I am. I am the most irritatingly unorganized person in the universe. I am. I can tell you where the legos are, I can tell you where unimportant things are hidden, but I cannot tell you where my keys are (check my purse or the counter), and it's a miracle that I don't forget MORE things. They are both way way way more organized that I am. And they are both Barbies. One knows she's stunning (and she is, she just is, that's how it is.) and one is this little fashionista who thinks she's a fat cow. Even my 12 year old niece noticed how we are...that I'm not the pretty one. I don't CARE about that- you KNOW I don't. I know who I am! It just seems like everything I'm NOT is so much more evident when they are around. And that's just the outside physical stuff- I'm bigger than they both are, and chances are good that I"m in something that I can run and play in and that ...I'm not as cute as they are. I don't like jewelry. I don't! They went to a jewelry party together. I just don't fit. Like I said- that's only the physical stuff. Don't get me started on the inside stuff and how the feeling that I "just don't get it" multiplies ten fold. I feel like there are things that "should" matter to me that don't...things that matter to them, and since there are more of them than there is of me it makes me feel lonely and...lonely.
I KNOW! I'm NOT reassurance seeking (how many times will I say it? But I'm not!)...Poor Cullen hears this all the time and we have the same talk, and I KNOW. I KNOW I'm a good person. I KNOW that. I KNOW, I know I'm a lot like my dad, and who doesn't like my dad? I KNOW. I know I know I know, till I'm blue in the face but when I'm around them for any amount of time, I let it make me feel lonely. It's strange how I feel so connected to people that I feel so far away from sometimes. We're connected but we're so different in so many ways. Neither of them do anything to "make" me feel this way...I just see how they are and see how different I am and it screams.
That whole "feeling lonely in a sea of people" feeling that I get often enough anyway and this just...ugh.
So to counteract that- I'm organizing the cousins/aunts to make meals/deliver food to Lisa and Dan. Double masectomy on Monday. :( They don't have room so we'll just move our freezer to their house for the time being. That works, right? We're going to surround them with as much love as we can and ...hope. Her mom's cancer was caught at the same stage (II) and it was a long hard battle. They think it hasn't reached her lymph nodes yet, which would be huge.
It's so frustrating not being able to do anything. I hate this feeling. Surgery is Monday. How do you think she's feeling right now? Her head is spinning, she's terrified, she's suddenly missing her mother, and more connected to her than ever at the very same time, and trying to reshuffle and reorganize everything, in a moment's notice of time? I have to remember that there is a path and a reason and an opportunity and...breathe.
On the upside...I sent Cullen out for some ghetto ass shrimp tacos from taco bell, and they didn't have them anymore so he went to Doolittles to get me my all time favorite fish tacos. Isn't he the bestest? And he keeps calling me trying to make my head better, which it WILL be. I hate being Stupid Girl Nicki and it won't last, I'll shake it off. Just feels like I'm in a foreign land where I don't speak the language right now. I'm sure my plane is coming to take me home soon. I hope.
My head needs to vomit.
I'm trying, I promise I'm trying, and I WILL be fine, because I always am, but I'm in a weird mad/sad place.
I love my family to PIECES. I love them. There is no *particular* thing that occurs when I'm with them that causes this...I mean, we laugh SO HARD. I think I laughed til I cried every day that we were together. So you understand that this is just ME...being me.
I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I usually get a complex when I'm around the sisters because they are FAR more put together than I am. I am the most irritatingly unorganized person in the universe. I am. I can tell you where the legos are, I can tell you where unimportant things are hidden, but I cannot tell you where my keys are (check my purse or the counter), and it's a miracle that I don't forget MORE things. They are both way way way more organized that I am. And they are both Barbies. One knows she's stunning (and she is, she just is, that's how it is.) and one is this little fashionista who thinks she's a fat cow. Even my 12 year old niece noticed how we are...that I'm not the pretty one. I don't CARE about that- you KNOW I don't. I know who I am! It just seems like everything I'm NOT is so much more evident when they are around. And that's just the outside physical stuff- I'm bigger than they both are, and chances are good that I"m in something that I can run and play in and that ...I'm not as cute as they are. I don't like jewelry. I don't! They went to a jewelry party together. I just don't fit. Like I said- that's only the physical stuff. Don't get me started on the inside stuff and how the feeling that I "just don't get it" multiplies ten fold. I feel like there are things that "should" matter to me that don't...things that matter to them, and since there are more of them than there is of me it makes me feel lonely and...lonely.
I KNOW! I'm NOT reassurance seeking (how many times will I say it? But I'm not!)...Poor Cullen hears this all the time and we have the same talk, and I KNOW. I KNOW I'm a good person. I KNOW that. I KNOW, I know I'm a lot like my dad, and who doesn't like my dad? I KNOW. I know I know I know, till I'm blue in the face but when I'm around them for any amount of time, I let it make me feel lonely. It's strange how I feel so connected to people that I feel so far away from sometimes. We're connected but we're so different in so many ways. Neither of them do anything to "make" me feel this way...I just see how they are and see how different I am and it screams.
That whole "feeling lonely in a sea of people" feeling that I get often enough anyway and this just...ugh.
So to counteract that- I'm organizing the cousins/aunts to make meals/deliver food to Lisa and Dan. Double masectomy on Monday. :( They don't have room so we'll just move our freezer to their house for the time being. That works, right? We're going to surround them with as much love as we can and ...hope. Her mom's cancer was caught at the same stage (II) and it was a long hard battle. They think it hasn't reached her lymph nodes yet, which would be huge.
It's so frustrating not being able to do anything. I hate this feeling. Surgery is Monday. How do you think she's feeling right now? Her head is spinning, she's terrified, she's suddenly missing her mother, and more connected to her than ever at the very same time, and trying to reshuffle and reorganize everything, in a moment's notice of time? I have to remember that there is a path and a reason and an opportunity and...breathe.
On the upside...I sent Cullen out for some ghetto ass shrimp tacos from taco bell, and they didn't have them anymore so he went to Doolittles to get me my all time favorite fish tacos. Isn't he the bestest? And he keeps calling me trying to make my head better, which it WILL be. I hate being Stupid Girl Nicki and it won't last, I'll shake it off. Just feels like I'm in a foreign land where I don't speak the language right now. I'm sure my plane is coming to take me home soon. I hope.
I woke up crying...
The night before last, I heard something.
At the time I heard it, it pireced me, but I held it right there. Because I didn't have the time to let it all the way in, you know?
Yesterday was such a busy day- and it was just a *good* day all around- so I held it back then too. Last night most of my favorite people were in my house so I didn't touch it then either.
But this morning,
it's in, all the way in.
Cullen's family is huge. His dad has siblings up the wazoo. I LOVE THEM. Meeting all of them, way back then, was overwhelming but they were all so nice to me. I. LOVE. THEM. This is why when the siblings wanted to stop doing the annual Christmas get together, Cathy and I took it on. I can't believe how much work they put into it year after year, becuase it was a ton of work, but it was WORTH IT to see everyone. And we did a summer get together last year...Johnny (my kidney inspiration) was in the hospital at the time and couldn't make it but he is the oldest sibling and he was so happy we were doing this. We want the family together. It's honestly like herding cats a little bit, but we're going to keep putting these things together. It's important. Family counts- in whatever form it comes in.
I could tell you a little bit about each one, but I'm going to tell you just about Tim right now. Tim, first of all, is the exact replica of Josh. Tim recognized it first when Joshy was really young, and he was right. At Johnny's viewing, many people saw the pictures of young Tim in the fam pics and came running to tell us that he and Josh are twins. It's incredible. Tim is the most wonderful Grampa to his 3 grandbabies. He loves his children so much- he knows how precious life is and he is NOT going to miss out on one second. In fact- he knows how precious life is because he has experienced a loss so painful that in order to survive it, you have to. Do you know what I mean? It's the same as anyone...the hurt is so bad and you are so raw that suddenly you can see dust particles sparking in the air, and some of the magic of life seeps in, through the desperate pain?
Sandy, his wife, fought, fought, fought GOD she fought her breast cancer. And she was so FUNNY! At one point near the end of the fight, she said "If this cancer doesn't kill me, Tim's cooking is going to!" We loved Sandy. She was wonderful, and for Tim and the kids to lose her when she herself was young, the kids were young...OH...it was so sad to see them hurting so much.
And then Lisa got married and the babies started coming...and I know she missed her mom throughout it but Tim was there enough for the both of them. You should see him glow when he talks about them. He GLOWS. He hasn't forgotten how short time is or how sweet each day is!
Lisa has stageII breast cancer.
And I am thankful it's stage II and I'm sad because it just feels....I want to hug Tim, who must be freaking out. I want to hug Chris (her brother)...and Dan, and LISA, and I'm mad that there's nothing we can do to make it better. Maybe round up the cousins and make meals for them so that they don't have to worry about that during her treatments etc but DAMN.
At the time I heard it, it pireced me, but I held it right there. Because I didn't have the time to let it all the way in, you know?
Yesterday was such a busy day- and it was just a *good* day all around- so I held it back then too. Last night most of my favorite people were in my house so I didn't touch it then either.
But this morning,
it's in, all the way in.
Cullen's family is huge. His dad has siblings up the wazoo. I LOVE THEM. Meeting all of them, way back then, was overwhelming but they were all so nice to me. I. LOVE. THEM. This is why when the siblings wanted to stop doing the annual Christmas get together, Cathy and I took it on. I can't believe how much work they put into it year after year, becuase it was a ton of work, but it was WORTH IT to see everyone. And we did a summer get together last year...Johnny (my kidney inspiration) was in the hospital at the time and couldn't make it but he is the oldest sibling and he was so happy we were doing this. We want the family together. It's honestly like herding cats a little bit, but we're going to keep putting these things together. It's important. Family counts- in whatever form it comes in.
I could tell you a little bit about each one, but I'm going to tell you just about Tim right now. Tim, first of all, is the exact replica of Josh. Tim recognized it first when Joshy was really young, and he was right. At Johnny's viewing, many people saw the pictures of young Tim in the fam pics and came running to tell us that he and Josh are twins. It's incredible. Tim is the most wonderful Grampa to his 3 grandbabies. He loves his children so much- he knows how precious life is and he is NOT going to miss out on one second. In fact- he knows how precious life is because he has experienced a loss so painful that in order to survive it, you have to. Do you know what I mean? It's the same as anyone...the hurt is so bad and you are so raw that suddenly you can see dust particles sparking in the air, and some of the magic of life seeps in, through the desperate pain?
Sandy, his wife, fought, fought, fought GOD she fought her breast cancer. And she was so FUNNY! At one point near the end of the fight, she said "If this cancer doesn't kill me, Tim's cooking is going to!" We loved Sandy. She was wonderful, and for Tim and the kids to lose her when she herself was young, the kids were young...OH...it was so sad to see them hurting so much.
And then Lisa got married and the babies started coming...and I know she missed her mom throughout it but Tim was there enough for the both of them. You should see him glow when he talks about them. He GLOWS. He hasn't forgotten how short time is or how sweet each day is!
Lisa has stageII breast cancer.
And I am thankful it's stage II and I'm sad because it just feels....I want to hug Tim, who must be freaking out. I want to hug Chris (her brother)...and Dan, and LISA, and I'm mad that there's nothing we can do to make it better. Maybe round up the cousins and make meals for them so that they don't have to worry about that during her treatments etc but DAMN.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
You know everyone knows you're a food whore when...
Shawn: After work on Thursday I'm going to take all the kids (all 6) to DQ with Brian and Nick.
Nicki: You don't have to do that. Seriously. That's a lot of kids.
Shawn: I'll need the van.
Nicki: Well, I know that. That's fine. But you don't have to do that. SIX kids, Shawn. At DQ.
Shawn: I'm going to do it.
Nicki: You're insane. Why don't you get DQ and bring it to them?
Shawn: No. I'm taking all of them....
Nicki: (mouth open, ready to retort one more time)
Shawn: So...are you going to want something from DQ???
Shawn wins. Here are the keys.
Nicki: You don't have to do that. Seriously. That's a lot of kids.
Shawn: I'll need the van.
Nicki: Well, I know that. That's fine. But you don't have to do that. SIX kids, Shawn. At DQ.
Shawn: I'm going to do it.
Nicki: You're insane. Why don't you get DQ and bring it to them?
Shawn: No. I'm taking all of them....
Nicki: (mouth open, ready to retort one more time)
Shawn: So...are you going to want something from DQ???
Shawn wins. Here are the keys.
Love
I can't let that icky one just sit there so I have to put some good back out there to make up for the Leech nastiness.
I love how I keep learning that the all time best things in the world aren't things I can touch. OHHHH some of them are, but the most important things are the stuff you can't see. Sitting at the refuge...you can't TOUCH it, you can only be there with it, absorbing as much of it as possible on the inside. Love is being able to call on that whenever you need it. If you listen close enough you can BE there again, without being there.
Love is the very idea that life is carrying on, how it should. No one TELLS a seedling what to do, when it's buried somewhere moist and warm. It can't help itself. Or any species of life, at the very beginning when cells start dividing. Or the way the moon, the beautiful moon, affects the waves...if that isn't magic, what is? You can't TOUCH that...but you can see it, and feel it. How about the fact that we're spinning right now, fast enough to hold us right here. Can you feel the gravity pulling on you? And isn't it a nice world, to give us beautiful cardinals and bold blue jays and majestic eagles? Yeah, I know, we can see those things. :) The funnest part is when someone is FULL of the happy, it wants to express itself, find it's way out, be made physical...and then really, really good things happen.
Whew. Better.
I love how I keep learning that the all time best things in the world aren't things I can touch. OHHHH some of them are, but the most important things are the stuff you can't see. Sitting at the refuge...you can't TOUCH it, you can only be there with it, absorbing as much of it as possible on the inside. Love is being able to call on that whenever you need it. If you listen close enough you can BE there again, without being there.
Love is the very idea that life is carrying on, how it should. No one TELLS a seedling what to do, when it's buried somewhere moist and warm. It can't help itself. Or any species of life, at the very beginning when cells start dividing. Or the way the moon, the beautiful moon, affects the waves...if that isn't magic, what is? You can't TOUCH that...but you can see it, and feel it. How about the fact that we're spinning right now, fast enough to hold us right here. Can you feel the gravity pulling on you? And isn't it a nice world, to give us beautiful cardinals and bold blue jays and majestic eagles? Yeah, I know, we can see those things. :) The funnest part is when someone is FULL of the happy, it wants to express itself, find it's way out, be made physical...and then really, really good things happen.
Whew. Better.
tee hee
Okay- I know I'm passive aggressive, esp when I don't have time to get myself in check so that I can just be a bitch right OUT LOUD. I know this.
But since I didn't have time to get myself in check, and I let the "I need to go have more kids so i can work from home" comment piss me off, I did what any professionally passive aggressive Leo (who has the force with her, thank you very much) would do. I emailed my former boss, boss of the leech who said that horrible comment to me. I LOVE this person dearly (former boss, not Leech), and I know he agrees with me anyway. I didn't assert my non important opinon on her request (to work from home). I only mentioned that she made a very rude comment concerning me working from home. I apologized since it's "none of my business".
Stupid bitch.
WHO SAYS THAT. Can I just tell you something? If- IF I were the type of person who made decisions about having children based on how hard it is to raise them- ESPECIALLY while working from home, I promise you I would have stopped at 2. And I started working at home when I had two. I didn't have to keep going. And I most certainly did not think "This is easy, let's have more and I'll have FUN finding more ways to take care of 3 kids 3 and under and hold a job." NO. I did that part of it because I love these babies so much that it was worth it. I cried (cry) often when I'm being pulled too hard in too many different directions. I LOVE my weekends when all my favoritest people come over and I have my ways of getting through my days anyway (I love love love my friends!) but honestly. The next person is getting bitch slapped for real. I hope she gets a different job. Fuck OFF. Wanna hear a funny? When I typed that the first time, I said FUCK FOO.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAAH!
But since I didn't have time to get myself in check, and I let the "I need to go have more kids so i can work from home" comment piss me off, I did what any professionally passive aggressive Leo (who has the force with her, thank you very much) would do. I emailed my former boss, boss of the leech who said that horrible comment to me. I LOVE this person dearly (former boss, not Leech), and I know he agrees with me anyway. I didn't assert my non important opinon on her request (to work from home). I only mentioned that she made a very rude comment concerning me working from home. I apologized since it's "none of my business".
Stupid bitch.
WHO SAYS THAT. Can I just tell you something? If- IF I were the type of person who made decisions about having children based on how hard it is to raise them- ESPECIALLY while working from home, I promise you I would have stopped at 2. And I started working at home when I had two. I didn't have to keep going. And I most certainly did not think "This is easy, let's have more and I'll have FUN finding more ways to take care of 3 kids 3 and under and hold a job." NO. I did that part of it because I love these babies so much that it was worth it. I cried (cry) often when I'm being pulled too hard in too many different directions. I LOVE my weekends when all my favoritest people come over and I have my ways of getting through my days anyway (I love love love my friends!) but honestly. The next person is getting bitch slapped for real. I hope she gets a different job. Fuck OFF. Wanna hear a funny? When I typed that the first time, I said FUCK FOO.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAAH!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
They are good, but-
still exhausting. 6 kids is exhausting after 4 all day- and like I said, they are very good kids! Shawn's, and mine. It's the constant "Mom, can you get this?" "Mom, I want to do that." and then dinner time. GOD HELP ME, I don't know WHY i thought that chicken parmesian and broccoli and chese would be a good idea. I'd assume I'd be fighting with my own 4, so why would I do that to myself with SIX kids? I finally got tired of them all bargaining about how much they had to eat and let them all go. I hate throwing food away, and dumping milk out of glasses.
I'm tired of jelly stains on the floor, and ravioli in the carpet. Do you KNOW what I was just interrupted by? I look up and there is Jordan, in the back yard, peeing. NO. Now he's hollering in his room.
I get to go to work tomorrow, and I get to eat up and yummy baby tomorrow and see my friend tomorrow.
And as for right now...do you know what I'm doing? I'm having some vodka and dr. pepper and hanging on for dear life. :D And I'm GOOD AT IT.
I'm tired of jelly stains on the floor, and ravioli in the carpet. Do you KNOW what I was just interrupted by? I look up and there is Jordan, in the back yard, peeing. NO. Now he's hollering in his room.
I get to go to work tomorrow, and I get to eat up and yummy baby tomorrow and see my friend tomorrow.
And as for right now...do you know what I'm doing? I'm having some vodka and dr. pepper and hanging on for dear life. :D And I'm GOOD AT IT.
I should work at the art institute
I should, really. I could be the art looker atter. I spend probably an abnormal amount of time (okay so it's not HOURS AND HOURS a day...) on art.com, looking through art. That's all.Justice?
AACHEN, Germany – A German court on Tuesday convicted an 88-year-old of murdering three Dutch civilians as part of a Nazi hit squad during World War II, capping six decades of efforts to bring the former Waffen SS man to justice.
Heinrich Boere, number six on the Simon Wiesenthal Center's list of most-wanted Nazis, was given the maximum sentence of life in prison for the 1944 killings.
"These were murders that could hardly be outdone in terms of baseness and cowardice — beyond the respectability of any soldier," presiding judge Gerd Nohl said.
Boere sat in his wheelchair, staring at the floor and showing no visible reaction as the verdict was announced.
For Dolf Bicknese, it was the first time he had seen in person the man who killed his father in 1944 — but he said he felt little emotion staring Boere in the face.
"The person hardly interests me any more," the 73-year-old told The Associated Press. "My interest is justice."
During the trial, which began in October, Boere admitted killing a bicycle-shop owner; Bicknese's father, a pharmacist; and another civilian as a member of the "Silbertanne" hit squad — a unit of largely Dutch SS volunteers responsible for reprisal killings of countrymen who were considered anti-German.
He said he had no choice but to follow orders to carry out the killings.
"As a simple soldier, I learned to carry out orders," Boere testified in December.
"And I knew that if I didn't carry out my orders I would be breaking my oath and would be shot myself."
But the prosecution argued that Boere was a willing member of the fanatical Waffen SS, which he joined shortly after the Nazis overran his hometown of Maastricht and the rest of the Netherlands in 1940.
Judge Nohl noted that there was no evidence Boere ever even tried to question his orders.
He characterized the murders as hit-style slayings, with Boere and his accomplices dressed in civilian clothes and surprising their victims at their homes or places of work late at night or early in the morning.
"The victims had no real chance," Nohl said.
Though sentenced to death in absentia in the Netherlands in 1949, later commuted to life imprisonment, Boere has managed to avoid jail until now.
One German court refused to extradite him because it ruled he might have German nationality as well as Dutch. Another would not force him to serve his Dutch sentence in a German prison because he was absent from his trial, having fled to Germany.
"We welcome the conviction, we welcome the sentence and this is again another proof that even at this point it is possible to bring Nazi war criminals to justice," Efraim Zuroff, the top Nazi hunter at the Simon Wiesenthal Center, said by telephone from Jerusalem.
"It also underscores the significance of the renewed activity on the part of the German prosecution," he said.
Defense lawyer Gordon Christiansen said he would appeal to a German federal court. Boere will remain free until the appeals process is complete — and that could take two to three years if it goes to the European Court of Human Rights, Christiansen said.
Teun de Groot, whose father of the same name was the bicycle-shop owner killed by Boere, said it was "a shame" Boere would not be imprisoned immediately but was happy nonetheless.
"The verdict here is good," the 77-year-old said.
Boere was born in Eschweiler, Germany — on the outskirts of Aachen, where he lives today. The son of a Dutch man and a German woman, he moved to the Netherlands when he was an infant.
Boere has testified that he decided to join the SS as an 18-year-old after the Germans had overrun the Netherlands and he saw a recruiting poster signed by Heinrich Himmler that inspired him.
After fighting on the Russian front, Boere ended up back in the Netherlands as part of "Silbertanne" — a death squad believed to be responsible for 54 killings in Holland.
According to statements Boere made to Dutch authorities after the war, he and a fellow SS man were given a list of names slated for "retaliatory measures."
Their first target was the pharmacist, Fritz Hubert Ernst Bicknese.
The two walked into the pharmacy and asked the man there if he was Bicknese. When he answered "yes," Boere pulled his pistol from his right coat pocket and fired two or three shots into Bicknese's upper body.
The next victim followed a similar pattern: Boere and an accomplice shot the bicycle-shop owner, Teun de Groot, when he answered the doorbell at his home in the town of Voorschoten.
They then continued to the apartment of the third victim, Franz Wilhelm Kusters, and forced him into their car. They drove him to another town, stopped on the pretense of having a flat tire and shot him.
"Kusters fell against the garden door ... and sank to the ground," Boere told investigators. "Blood shot out of Kusters' neck."
__________________________________________________________________
I didn't know that I felt this way, but I'm not sure that I agree that this is a good use of "justice". I'm not saying that I'm right, but I'm thinking that this man probably didn't love his job. He probably did what he had to do to survive himself, you know? WWII was very sad, and what WE ALLOWED the Nazi's to do for SO LONG is disgusting, but it was ALL OF US, not just them. Not just this man. Where WERE WE? How come it took millions of people being killed before we thought enough was enough? What about Vietnam? Are we persecuting our soldiers who killed innocent people because they were told to? Why aren't we? Would we if we could? I don't think we should- they are quite tortured enough by their own memories. Some have killed themselves already (I know one personally). Some wish to. Some will NEVER be normal again. And you know what? I'm FOR the death penalty, but I think some crimes were horrible enough on the people who had to commit them to count as "justice". I'm thankful I was never called to do/see/be a part of things so horrible.
He's 88. He clearly remembers what he did. I'm pretty sure he doesn't think "RIGHT ON!" when he recalls it. He probably shakes his head sadly, trying to clear the memory. But no, now we'll pay for him to sit in his wheelchair in a jail cell. Surely he doesn't feel like he "got away" with anything all these years.
We're so backwards sometimes. Like I said, I'm not "right" about this. I know others feel differently, this is just me, but I think we could do sooooo much better.
Heinrich Boere, number six on the Simon Wiesenthal Center's list of most-wanted Nazis, was given the maximum sentence of life in prison for the 1944 killings.
"These were murders that could hardly be outdone in terms of baseness and cowardice — beyond the respectability of any soldier," presiding judge Gerd Nohl said.
Boere sat in his wheelchair, staring at the floor and showing no visible reaction as the verdict was announced.
For Dolf Bicknese, it was the first time he had seen in person the man who killed his father in 1944 — but he said he felt little emotion staring Boere in the face.
"The person hardly interests me any more," the 73-year-old told The Associated Press. "My interest is justice."
During the trial, which began in October, Boere admitted killing a bicycle-shop owner; Bicknese's father, a pharmacist; and another civilian as a member of the "Silbertanne" hit squad — a unit of largely Dutch SS volunteers responsible for reprisal killings of countrymen who were considered anti-German.
He said he had no choice but to follow orders to carry out the killings.
"As a simple soldier, I learned to carry out orders," Boere testified in December.
"And I knew that if I didn't carry out my orders I would be breaking my oath and would be shot myself."
But the prosecution argued that Boere was a willing member of the fanatical Waffen SS, which he joined shortly after the Nazis overran his hometown of Maastricht and the rest of the Netherlands in 1940.
Judge Nohl noted that there was no evidence Boere ever even tried to question his orders.
He characterized the murders as hit-style slayings, with Boere and his accomplices dressed in civilian clothes and surprising their victims at their homes or places of work late at night or early in the morning.
"The victims had no real chance," Nohl said.
Though sentenced to death in absentia in the Netherlands in 1949, later commuted to life imprisonment, Boere has managed to avoid jail until now.
One German court refused to extradite him because it ruled he might have German nationality as well as Dutch. Another would not force him to serve his Dutch sentence in a German prison because he was absent from his trial, having fled to Germany.
"We welcome the conviction, we welcome the sentence and this is again another proof that even at this point it is possible to bring Nazi war criminals to justice," Efraim Zuroff, the top Nazi hunter at the Simon Wiesenthal Center, said by telephone from Jerusalem.
"It also underscores the significance of the renewed activity on the part of the German prosecution," he said.
Defense lawyer Gordon Christiansen said he would appeal to a German federal court. Boere will remain free until the appeals process is complete — and that could take two to three years if it goes to the European Court of Human Rights, Christiansen said.
Teun de Groot, whose father of the same name was the bicycle-shop owner killed by Boere, said it was "a shame" Boere would not be imprisoned immediately but was happy nonetheless.
"The verdict here is good," the 77-year-old said.
Boere was born in Eschweiler, Germany — on the outskirts of Aachen, where he lives today. The son of a Dutch man and a German woman, he moved to the Netherlands when he was an infant.
Boere has testified that he decided to join the SS as an 18-year-old after the Germans had overrun the Netherlands and he saw a recruiting poster signed by Heinrich Himmler that inspired him.
After fighting on the Russian front, Boere ended up back in the Netherlands as part of "Silbertanne" — a death squad believed to be responsible for 54 killings in Holland.
According to statements Boere made to Dutch authorities after the war, he and a fellow SS man were given a list of names slated for "retaliatory measures."
Their first target was the pharmacist, Fritz Hubert Ernst Bicknese.
The two walked into the pharmacy and asked the man there if he was Bicknese. When he answered "yes," Boere pulled his pistol from his right coat pocket and fired two or three shots into Bicknese's upper body.
The next victim followed a similar pattern: Boere and an accomplice shot the bicycle-shop owner, Teun de Groot, when he answered the doorbell at his home in the town of Voorschoten.
They then continued to the apartment of the third victim, Franz Wilhelm Kusters, and forced him into their car. They drove him to another town, stopped on the pretense of having a flat tire and shot him.
"Kusters fell against the garden door ... and sank to the ground," Boere told investigators. "Blood shot out of Kusters' neck."
__________________________________________________________________
I didn't know that I felt this way, but I'm not sure that I agree that this is a good use of "justice". I'm not saying that I'm right, but I'm thinking that this man probably didn't love his job. He probably did what he had to do to survive himself, you know? WWII was very sad, and what WE ALLOWED the Nazi's to do for SO LONG is disgusting, but it was ALL OF US, not just them. Not just this man. Where WERE WE? How come it took millions of people being killed before we thought enough was enough? What about Vietnam? Are we persecuting our soldiers who killed innocent people because they were told to? Why aren't we? Would we if we could? I don't think we should- they are quite tortured enough by their own memories. Some have killed themselves already (I know one personally). Some wish to. Some will NEVER be normal again. And you know what? I'm FOR the death penalty, but I think some crimes were horrible enough on the people who had to commit them to count as "justice". I'm thankful I was never called to do/see/be a part of things so horrible.
He's 88. He clearly remembers what he did. I'm pretty sure he doesn't think "RIGHT ON!" when he recalls it. He probably shakes his head sadly, trying to clear the memory. But no, now we'll pay for him to sit in his wheelchair in a jail cell. Surely he doesn't feel like he "got away" with anything all these years.
We're so backwards sometimes. Like I said, I'm not "right" about this. I know others feel differently, this is just me, but I think we could do sooooo much better.
I LOVE BEING WRONG!!!
I wish I always felt this way about being wrong.
I just got a work email, and I think I was wrong. In fact, I'm positive I was. He protected me instead of throwing me to the dogs the way he could have. He could see that I did the best I could with what I had! I don't have to not care about getting written up because I'm not going to be!
(watch me be wrong again)
I just keep learning, learning, learning, learning. I never ever knew I would learn so much. All in one little life!
I just got a work email, and I think I was wrong. In fact, I'm positive I was. He protected me instead of throwing me to the dogs the way he could have. He could see that I did the best I could with what I had! I don't have to not care about getting written up because I'm not going to be!
(watch me be wrong again)
I just keep learning, learning, learning, learning. I never ever knew I would learn so much. All in one little life!
Happy Food Whore
YUMMMY breakfast. MUCH Better head day as far as running goes. YIPPPEEEE! It feels so much better to not flippin nuts in my head. Cullen was saying that it's impossible to know how hard to push me because it's so messy in my head when it's like *that*.
Yesterday Zach and Kylie were up at the play ground when CJ and Josh had recess. Zach played football with them and came home talking about CJ's friends. He kept bringing up Gavin, one of CJ's friends in class. I wondered what that was about, and after 15 Gavin stories, I found out.
"I was walking with Gavin and out of no where he says 'CJ is such a good friend to have.'" THAT is why Zach likes him. I LOVE Zach's heart. He is just the best kid ever, just because he is. His class (he's in 4th grade) went to a nursing home to do a play for the peeps there, and after the play, his teacher says to them "Why don't you go visit for a little while?" All the kids stood there, frozen. I remember being a little bit wary of old people back in the day. I remember that feeling. But Zach? He runs right over to someone, stretches his hand out and says "Hi! I'm Zach. What's your name?" and carried on a conversation. His teacher was so impressed that she called Shawn right away to tell him how cool his kid is.
I think I love uniforms too. I mean, I KNEW I loved them, but I think they are brilliant and all schools should do em. It takes a whole element out of the "who's wearing what" thing. Ya know? I don't know if boys even care about that stuff anyway.
I LOVE SPRING!
Should we take bets on my getting written up at work tomorrow? I already know it's going to happen. I mean, I KNOW it's going to happen. If it doesn't, I'll be as floored as I was when Niki's baby turned out to be a girl instead of a boy. I don't feel upset about it though becuase it's so STUPID, and JJJ has the entire string of emails proving that i couldn't see my time and I was working "blind". NOT SWEATIN IT.
1.25 at noon, 1.25 later, and a kidney that rocks at filtering and cleaning my blood. WHOO HOOO!
Yesterday Zach and Kylie were up at the play ground when CJ and Josh had recess. Zach played football with them and came home talking about CJ's friends. He kept bringing up Gavin, one of CJ's friends in class. I wondered what that was about, and after 15 Gavin stories, I found out.
"I was walking with Gavin and out of no where he says 'CJ is such a good friend to have.'" THAT is why Zach likes him. I LOVE Zach's heart. He is just the best kid ever, just because he is. His class (he's in 4th grade) went to a nursing home to do a play for the peeps there, and after the play, his teacher says to them "Why don't you go visit for a little while?" All the kids stood there, frozen. I remember being a little bit wary of old people back in the day. I remember that feeling. But Zach? He runs right over to someone, stretches his hand out and says "Hi! I'm Zach. What's your name?" and carried on a conversation. His teacher was so impressed that she called Shawn right away to tell him how cool his kid is.
I think I love uniforms too. I mean, I KNEW I loved them, but I think they are brilliant and all schools should do em. It takes a whole element out of the "who's wearing what" thing. Ya know? I don't know if boys even care about that stuff anyway.
I LOVE SPRING!
Should we take bets on my getting written up at work tomorrow? I already know it's going to happen. I mean, I KNOW it's going to happen. If it doesn't, I'll be as floored as I was when Niki's baby turned out to be a girl instead of a boy. I don't feel upset about it though becuase it's so STUPID, and JJJ has the entire string of emails proving that i couldn't see my time and I was working "blind". NOT SWEATIN IT.
1.25 at noon, 1.25 later, and a kidney that rocks at filtering and cleaning my blood. WHOO HOOO!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Almost
I'm totally mental. I mean it though- I don't know what was worse just now....my head being so disgustingly girl today about running or not being able to find a picture that I can go hide in. Seriously...poring (pouring?) through pictures and not finding the one that could hold me caused me as many disgustingly girlie tears. But we're okay now. I'm not here anymore, I'm there. It's quiet, except for the low hum of the earth spinning at 1,100 mph, which no one but serious whackjobs like me can hear anyway. Sometimes an owl, and the train off in the distance. I'm completely safe and my head is quiet and I'm okay. Cept whenever I get ready to walk away from this picture I feel BOOOOO again. Okay, a book. I'll go get a book. THANK GOD I don't feel this way often. Tomorrow will be Normal Nicki day again. I should eat. I don't think I've eaten since this morning.
On the dock. Stay on the dock. Pillow, blanket, 70 degrees, moon. Quiet.
(*&#$(*)&$)(*&$
I am NOT a failure if I don't run 2.5 miles today. I did 1.25. I am NOT a failure. I am NOT doing this to lose weight. I am NOT doing it for any reason other than to make recovery from surgery easier. If I don't run any more tonight I am still ME and I am NOT MY STUPID BODY in the first place. FURTHERMORE, my body is NOT stupid. It's brilliant. Right now my brain is processing things faster than I can count. I grew babies and my body birthed them. I have 2 functioning kidney's and my body is so flippin cool that I only need one of them. My heart is beating just because it is, and my eyes blink without me telling them to. (it's working!) My body turns food into energy. I'm growing hair even as I type. I have billions of nerve endings and I feel ALOT of things, including the keys I'm touching. I feel my nails tap the keys when I use my pinkies. My lungs use the oxygen and things change into CO2 and I breathe out. My eyelashes are protecting my eyes. I have tastebuds that taste allllll these incredible flavors. Smells! I process smells...the smell of a person can make everything else better. Or really good food. This is just my cool body. It's not even what makes me ME.
FUCK.
I don't HAVE to fun 2.5 EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm okay. It wasn't a good eating day. I don't have enough energy in my body to run. I did 1.25. I'm fine. It's okay. Is it irritating listening to my stupid self talk?
GO TO MY HAPPY PLACE. Okay. My happy place. Let's go. See next post. Have I won most posts in shortest amount of time yet?
I don't HAVE to fun 2.5 EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm okay. It wasn't a good eating day. I don't have enough energy in my body to run. I did 1.25. I'm fine. It's okay. Is it irritating listening to my stupid self talk?
GO TO MY HAPPY PLACE. Okay. My happy place. Let's go. See next post. Have I won most posts in shortest amount of time yet?
BOOOOOOOO!!!
It's not working! it's not working. BOOOOOO. Stupid teary girl head. There's NO GOOD REASON FOR THIS.
I can't win my head. boooooooo.
I'm so mad.
I can't win my head. boooooooo.
I'm so mad.
If I say it, I'll do it.
(let's be glad that doesn't apply to EVERYTHING I say.)
I'm SO frustrated right now. It HAS to be PMS. There is no good reason for me to be hating my body like a girl right now. I usually don't care. I'm fine. Whatever. I had babies and am formerly eating disordered. I'm never going to pay for a personal trainer to whoop me back onto prebaby shape, and if I had the money, I still wouldn't. I seriously don't care that much. I'll be in a swimsuit this summer, shorts, dresses, skirts. I honestly don't CARE.
But right now, I do. So we'll call it PMS. I did half my run and I'm pissed because my head is cycling through lovely fantasies and then RUN FASTER! GO FURTHER THIS ONE TIME. I catch myself and go back to my dreamy dreams and then WHAM! Go faster. I get mad so I walk for a few minutes to get a grip and go back to Floaty Land Where All Is Really, Really Good...and run again and WHACK, it slaps me upside the head (HONK!) and UGH I finally got off of there. I called my stand in personal trainer, who is also irritating me- he actually got CRABBY at me over his brother when I told him Shawn asked for help getting his house ready for the pictures on Wed when it goes on the market. "You struggle so much with him, and then you let him ask a woman to clean his house and you DO IT?" I told him he's paying me. PLUS I'll get to see the kick ass eagle nest before the leaves hide it. He must have PMS too, but only one of us can be a bitch at a time.
So I'm here to tell you that I have every intention of ending this post and getting my fricken ass back on the treadmill and letting my imagination take me away from what I'm actually doing and I'm going to run another 1.5 and then I can be a bitch on the couch all I want, all by myself. Right? I'm yelling naughty words in my head right now. Fighting myself is super annoying and the fact that there is just no one else here to help my head either way just pisses me off more.
See? TOTAL PMS.
Fuck.
Sorry.
Okay, here I go. I'm so growly. :(
I'm SO frustrated right now. It HAS to be PMS. There is no good reason for me to be hating my body like a girl right now. I usually don't care. I'm fine. Whatever. I had babies and am formerly eating disordered. I'm never going to pay for a personal trainer to whoop me back onto prebaby shape, and if I had the money, I still wouldn't. I seriously don't care that much. I'll be in a swimsuit this summer, shorts, dresses, skirts. I honestly don't CARE.
But right now, I do. So we'll call it PMS. I did half my run and I'm pissed because my head is cycling through lovely fantasies and then RUN FASTER! GO FURTHER THIS ONE TIME. I catch myself and go back to my dreamy dreams and then WHAM! Go faster. I get mad so I walk for a few minutes to get a grip and go back to Floaty Land Where All Is Really, Really Good...and run again and WHACK, it slaps me upside the head (HONK!) and UGH I finally got off of there. I called my stand in personal trainer, who is also irritating me- he actually got CRABBY at me over his brother when I told him Shawn asked for help getting his house ready for the pictures on Wed when it goes on the market. "You struggle so much with him, and then you let him ask a woman to clean his house and you DO IT?" I told him he's paying me. PLUS I'll get to see the kick ass eagle nest before the leaves hide it. He must have PMS too, but only one of us can be a bitch at a time.
So I'm here to tell you that I have every intention of ending this post and getting my fricken ass back on the treadmill and letting my imagination take me away from what I'm actually doing and I'm going to run another 1.5 and then I can be a bitch on the couch all I want, all by myself. Right? I'm yelling naughty words in my head right now. Fighting myself is super annoying and the fact that there is just no one else here to help my head either way just pisses me off more.
See? TOTAL PMS.
Fuck.
Sorry.
Okay, here I go. I'm so growly. :(
Sunday, March 21, 2010
TARTAR SAUCE
No eggs. NO EGGS! Load them all up and get eggs and coffee, or eat cereal instead. OR hit McDonalds drive through. NOW we're talkin!!!
I have RISEN!
And...she's up, again!
Cullen brought up a box of Easter decorations yesterday. I put them out because the kids like them but I feel like an imposter. I really dislike "celebrating" holidays that I don't believe in. Easter celebrates the rising of Jesus. It isn't even that I don't think that that happened. I hope it really did. But I don't buy into the rest of the story, that he's the only way in blah blah blah.
I've GOT to do this "religion" thing right by the kids somehow. They know my thoughts and views on God/love/life. But that's the thing...they come in remembering nothing about anything, and we fill our little blank slates up with our ideas, and I don't want them to just imitate me, you know?
Some lovely Jehovah Witnesses came by with our personal invite to the "celebration". CJ wanted to know if we were going to go. I told him no, probably not, but then I reconsidered for just one minute. Maybe I SHOULD take them around and let them experience different ideas about God? If I were smart, maybe that's what I would do? I don't know. I explained to him that JW's don't celebrate birthdays or any holidays, but they get around it with celebrations etc. I'm happy to say that we'll be gone on our anniversary mini vaca on Easter so I will escape having to do my Easterly duties. Aren't I the biggest poop EVER? I bring cynical to a whole new level, seriously.
I wonder if that's what I should do? I could start a little study with my babies on religions. They do a mini study like that in school anyway, without getting into too much detail. Maybe I could take the top 10 religions and we can study them a little bit?
I think they know how *I* feel enough now so that that can be what they fall back on if they are to find that none of the religions make any sense to them? What I'm opening myself up to though is the possibility that they will actually like one of the religions. I'd be okay with buddism even, I guess. I just don't want them to be told that they were born BAD and that there's nothing in the world they can do to make that any better, but don't worry, Jesus will save you. Who needs that kind of self esteem issue right off the bat? As if GOD could screw something up so badly that he'd have to create Someone else to fix his fuck up? No way. My babies are beautiful souls who are here and they will make mistakes and they will live and in the end, we'll all go back to where we came from anyway, and live happily ever after. It isn't right for me to "force" that on them either.
It's tricky, like Run DMC said. My sister invites us to church all the time. The church itself is pretty good- awesome music and I like the pastors a lot. But it's baptist based and the one week they talked about Jesus saving, it was over. There's another church over on 108th and Zenith...Universal Unitarian, which is MUCH more up my alley- it encompasses ALL faiths and focuses more on the "good" in the world and how we can help put more out there. But it's Sundays at 10:30 and usually I'm at Suzannes. And I still feel like I don't need church in the first freakin place. I'm way more in love with life/God than dare I say many people who are confessing their sins and saying sorry constantly. I don't need to go to church for that. Cullen misses it, but not enough to do something about it. Hell, he wouldn't get to sleep in, would he. (snarky!)
Michelle actually said to me "How do you expect your kids to grow up and do the right thing if they aren't afraid of the consequences?" I KNOW. Can you believe that? I don't expect them to grow up and do the right thing. I expect them to grow, and learn, and watch, and see what feels good to them, and to go from there. When they make some bigger mistakes, I am going to help them see that it's not actually a reflection on THEM and there are things to do to help make things better. If they do something unspeakably horrible, unforgivable by the world we live in, I'm sure that I'll be crucified for being The Mom, but I will love them anyway. I can't see how trying to make them afraid of God does anyone any good at all. Why would I chase them around with "You're going to hell if you don't do THIS the right way..." That is insanity to me. Pure insanity.
Okay, religious rant off. Me and my Easter decorations will be making some scrambled eggs with cheese. Be here in 20 minutes or ....don't. :)
Cullen brought up a box of Easter decorations yesterday. I put them out because the kids like them but I feel like an imposter. I really dislike "celebrating" holidays that I don't believe in. Easter celebrates the rising of Jesus. It isn't even that I don't think that that happened. I hope it really did. But I don't buy into the rest of the story, that he's the only way in blah blah blah.
I've GOT to do this "religion" thing right by the kids somehow. They know my thoughts and views on God/love/life. But that's the thing...they come in remembering nothing about anything, and we fill our little blank slates up with our ideas, and I don't want them to just imitate me, you know?
Some lovely Jehovah Witnesses came by with our personal invite to the "celebration". CJ wanted to know if we were going to go. I told him no, probably not, but then I reconsidered for just one minute. Maybe I SHOULD take them around and let them experience different ideas about God? If I were smart, maybe that's what I would do? I don't know. I explained to him that JW's don't celebrate birthdays or any holidays, but they get around it with celebrations etc. I'm happy to say that we'll be gone on our anniversary mini vaca on Easter so I will escape having to do my Easterly duties. Aren't I the biggest poop EVER? I bring cynical to a whole new level, seriously.
I wonder if that's what I should do? I could start a little study with my babies on religions. They do a mini study like that in school anyway, without getting into too much detail. Maybe I could take the top 10 religions and we can study them a little bit?
I think they know how *I* feel enough now so that that can be what they fall back on if they are to find that none of the religions make any sense to them? What I'm opening myself up to though is the possibility that they will actually like one of the religions. I'd be okay with buddism even, I guess. I just don't want them to be told that they were born BAD and that there's nothing in the world they can do to make that any better, but don't worry, Jesus will save you. Who needs that kind of self esteem issue right off the bat? As if GOD could screw something up so badly that he'd have to create Someone else to fix his fuck up? No way. My babies are beautiful souls who are here and they will make mistakes and they will live and in the end, we'll all go back to where we came from anyway, and live happily ever after. It isn't right for me to "force" that on them either.
It's tricky, like Run DMC said. My sister invites us to church all the time. The church itself is pretty good- awesome music and I like the pastors a lot. But it's baptist based and the one week they talked about Jesus saving, it was over. There's another church over on 108th and Zenith...Universal Unitarian, which is MUCH more up my alley- it encompasses ALL faiths and focuses more on the "good" in the world and how we can help put more out there. But it's Sundays at 10:30 and usually I'm at Suzannes. And I still feel like I don't need church in the first freakin place. I'm way more in love with life/God than dare I say many people who are confessing their sins and saying sorry constantly. I don't need to go to church for that. Cullen misses it, but not enough to do something about it. Hell, he wouldn't get to sleep in, would he. (snarky!)
Michelle actually said to me "How do you expect your kids to grow up and do the right thing if they aren't afraid of the consequences?" I KNOW. Can you believe that? I don't expect them to grow up and do the right thing. I expect them to grow, and learn, and watch, and see what feels good to them, and to go from there. When they make some bigger mistakes, I am going to help them see that it's not actually a reflection on THEM and there are things to do to help make things better. If they do something unspeakably horrible, unforgivable by the world we live in, I'm sure that I'll be crucified for being The Mom, but I will love them anyway. I can't see how trying to make them afraid of God does anyone any good at all. Why would I chase them around with "You're going to hell if you don't do THIS the right way..." That is insanity to me. Pure insanity.
Okay, religious rant off. Me and my Easter decorations will be making some scrambled eggs with cheese. Be here in 20 minutes or ....don't. :)
Oh, to be a wake.
I've been wide awake since 4:30am. That's what alcohol does to me. Isn't that great?! I think I drank more laast night than I have in a long time. I'm FAR too lazy to correct my spelling right now though.
I clearly remember a couple of years ago...I was standing in the kitchen at whatever house we were in at the time, and there were kids, all sorts of kids running around. Michelle was like "send them all home then!" and I said "Well, no. I'd rather be the house that everyone is at, I'll know where my kids are and still have peeps to hang out with." or something to that effect.
And in the true spirit of getting whatever I want....I welcome you to Grand Central Station.
Almost every weekend seems to play out close to the same way. At some point, neighbors come over, then family shows up, kids are playing and I have the best time. Last night was even better because we played cards too. I warned Amy early on that Danny and Deb might stop by, and then everyone in the world except for Danny and Deb stopped by. The Holcombs have officially been broken into the Hayes family now, mostly. We were only missing a couple of them. We'll see if they come back for more! I have to say that I'm completely impresssed. When Amy first ever came over, she knew no one cept my sister, and I wouldn't have blamed her at all for feeling like she put her time in and thank you very much, NOT going over there again....but she came back. More than once even!!! Steve too (hi if you're reading this!)...and now I think I get to keep them. :D
I hope everyone made it home safe. At the end, Cullen got a little drunker and drunker by the minute, which was gross. I'm the ONLY fun drunk out there, I guess (hahahhahahahahah!!!!). Chuck called me a bubble head (?) and my husband couldn't keep himself from being a jackass to me. I know you've heard me wah about it before, but you're going to hear it again. He seems to think that I don't deserve to ever sleep in because he works 6 days a week. Mind you, he did NOT work yesterday (Sat) and slept in til 10:30 or so. And he'll do it again this morning. Every now and then when I REALLY complain, he'll let me. When he's sober he does a good job of acting like I actually DO deserve it, but I have a feeling that the way he really feels is closer to how he is when he's drunk. Today, I don't care. I'm wide awake. It's probably more the principle of it anyway. Although I skipped doing HIS laundry the other day, and he takes everything he needs for lunches to work with him (I used to make his lunch), I still try to tell him how much I/we appreciate him working so hard. And i offer for him to quit Fed Ex ALL THE TIME.....but I feel like it's rare that he acknowledges the juggling I do daily. Tired of hearing it yet? It almost makes Mothers Day bother me because I don't feel honored 95% of the time. (Must admit that now and then he'll come home with flowers and a card that the kids pick out, just because. Now and then is....? Not that often. I appreciate it when he does it, but you know. Hearing it more often than that wouldn't flippin KILL ME.)
He stayed up to have one more drink, which was just what he DIDN'T need (He clunked his head on the bathroom wall, he wsa so drunk) (it's probably not right for me to even be blogging that kind of stuff, but maybe he could control himself better?) and I'm sure he passed out on the couch at some point. When he came to bed he woke me up and was sleeping way too close to me. I felt irritated with him then, and I do now, and now I have one whole day to want him as a friend again. I guess it was a good few weeks I had of not feeling like this, wasn't it? I'm too lazy to go back and look, but I don't think he's been such a dumbass for quite a while.
HOw is it that he drinks so much more often than I do, but I do it so much better? <------HAH!!! I don't actually know that, for all I know I'm a stupid drunk too.
Okay. Back on the couch to snuggle with my blanket and await the beginning of the day. My FAVORITE part of Sunday is coming up soon!
I clearly remember a couple of years ago...I was standing in the kitchen at whatever house we were in at the time, and there were kids, all sorts of kids running around. Michelle was like "send them all home then!" and I said "Well, no. I'd rather be the house that everyone is at, I'll know where my kids are and still have peeps to hang out with." or something to that effect.
And in the true spirit of getting whatever I want....I welcome you to Grand Central Station.
Almost every weekend seems to play out close to the same way. At some point, neighbors come over, then family shows up, kids are playing and I have the best time. Last night was even better because we played cards too. I warned Amy early on that Danny and Deb might stop by, and then everyone in the world except for Danny and Deb stopped by. The Holcombs have officially been broken into the Hayes family now, mostly. We were only missing a couple of them. We'll see if they come back for more! I have to say that I'm completely impresssed. When Amy first ever came over, she knew no one cept my sister, and I wouldn't have blamed her at all for feeling like she put her time in and thank you very much, NOT going over there again....but she came back. More than once even!!! Steve too (hi if you're reading this!)...and now I think I get to keep them. :D
I hope everyone made it home safe. At the end, Cullen got a little drunker and drunker by the minute, which was gross. I'm the ONLY fun drunk out there, I guess (hahahhahahahahah!!!!). Chuck called me a bubble head (?) and my husband couldn't keep himself from being a jackass to me. I know you've heard me wah about it before, but you're going to hear it again. He seems to think that I don't deserve to ever sleep in because he works 6 days a week. Mind you, he did NOT work yesterday (Sat) and slept in til 10:30 or so. And he'll do it again this morning. Every now and then when I REALLY complain, he'll let me. When he's sober he does a good job of acting like I actually DO deserve it, but I have a feeling that the way he really feels is closer to how he is when he's drunk. Today, I don't care. I'm wide awake. It's probably more the principle of it anyway. Although I skipped doing HIS laundry the other day, and he takes everything he needs for lunches to work with him (I used to make his lunch), I still try to tell him how much I/we appreciate him working so hard. And i offer for him to quit Fed Ex ALL THE TIME.....but I feel like it's rare that he acknowledges the juggling I do daily. Tired of hearing it yet? It almost makes Mothers Day bother me because I don't feel honored 95% of the time. (Must admit that now and then he'll come home with flowers and a card that the kids pick out, just because. Now and then is....? Not that often. I appreciate it when he does it, but you know. Hearing it more often than that wouldn't flippin KILL ME.)
He stayed up to have one more drink, which was just what he DIDN'T need (He clunked his head on the bathroom wall, he wsa so drunk) (it's probably not right for me to even be blogging that kind of stuff, but maybe he could control himself better?) and I'm sure he passed out on the couch at some point. When he came to bed he woke me up and was sleeping way too close to me. I felt irritated with him then, and I do now, and now I have one whole day to want him as a friend again. I guess it was a good few weeks I had of not feeling like this, wasn't it? I'm too lazy to go back and look, but I don't think he's been such a dumbass for quite a while.
HOw is it that he drinks so much more often than I do, but I do it so much better? <------HAH!!! I don't actually know that, for all I know I'm a stupid drunk too.
Okay. Back on the couch to snuggle with my blanket and await the beginning of the day. My FAVORITE part of Sunday is coming up soon!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Growl
What I do not like:
I do not like it when Cullen gives me hell for not doing laundry ONE day. I didn't do laundry for ONE day and today he crabbed about it. That pisses me off. I do a pretty fantastic job of doing everything at the same time. I've got it down. If I want to give myself a break, I should be able to. If I were in the office working full time- God Help This House. GRRR. I also fell asleep on the couch last night and that's how he found me so he sent me to bed, and he mentioned that when he was crabbin at me too. That's so unfair. Most of the time I stay up, and I'm not a night owl. I'm a morning girl. I do that for him because it helps him. That's the first time I didn't sit up with him in well over a month. GRRR. Do you know what I did? After we crabbed and he left, I called him and was nice and apologized for growling. Then he did. Now I'm doing his fucking laundry. :) The only bad part about making nice when I really don't feel like it just yet is that I'm going to have to deal with him tonight anyway, and it'll be MUCH better if I'm feeling friendly and not like kicking him in the shin. Or slightly higher. I've got 8.5 hours to want to be his friend again.
Where is Peter Pan? Wendy's ready to FLY.
I do not like it when Cullen gives me hell for not doing laundry ONE day. I didn't do laundry for ONE day and today he crabbed about it. That pisses me off. I do a pretty fantastic job of doing everything at the same time. I've got it down. If I want to give myself a break, I should be able to. If I were in the office working full time- God Help This House. GRRR. I also fell asleep on the couch last night and that's how he found me so he sent me to bed, and he mentioned that when he was crabbin at me too. That's so unfair. Most of the time I stay up, and I'm not a night owl. I'm a morning girl. I do that for him because it helps him. That's the first time I didn't sit up with him in well over a month. GRRR. Do you know what I did? After we crabbed and he left, I called him and was nice and apologized for growling. Then he did. Now I'm doing his fucking laundry. :) The only bad part about making nice when I really don't feel like it just yet is that I'm going to have to deal with him tonight anyway, and it'll be MUCH better if I'm feeling friendly and not like kicking him in the shin. Or slightly higher. I've got 8.5 hours to want to be his friend again.
Where is Peter Pan? Wendy's ready to FLY.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I'm like a regular now
I must really think I'm going to donate a kidney because when I see that it's the U calling, it seems more normal. Okay- last Friday I was IN LIVING COLOR when they called because it meant I was no longer in the cooling off period.
Yesterday Cullen and I were tahking and he sais "I'm sorry babe, but we are not paying for flights and a hotel so that we can go to someone else and you can donate a kidney." Well, of course it makes sense not to do that. That's why the national grant is out there. But for whatever reason, with the national grant, they take the recipients financial situation into consideration, I guess. I have no idea why. It's easy for us to qualify since there are 6 of us in this household....Dawn agreed that it doesn't make sense but mentioned that up til a couple of years ago there were no grants available...which is true. They are paving the way for this thing and it'll take time.
But the most exciting news was that I wouldn't be travelling far at all, if at all. It'd be WI, SD, ND or here. So no big. And there's a $1,000 grant available through the U which is much easier to obtain. AND she also said that if I'm matched and we do not want to go to the recipient, they can request for the surgery to be done here and they'd fly my kidney to where it needs to go. I think I'd prefer to be where the recipient is though...it just has to be better to get yanked from me and plopped into them in as little time as possible. :D Enough vicodin would kill any pain on the way home, right??? :)
Do you think it'll actually happen? I mean, I got shot down TWO TIMES trying to be a surrogate. Well, not ME, but my want of being a surrogate. So then I pick this, and after- AFTER I pick this, and research it, and watch Cullen's uncle die waiting...my uterus (best surgery EVER!)...then the gallbladder. So sometimes it seemed like it was never really going to happen. My favorite ever (I've said it before, sorry) is imagining waking up from the kidney surgery and knowing that it has actually really truly finally happened! Won't that be the best??
I got an email today that reminded me how glad I am that I don't know who I'm donating to. Nel had taught at Richfield for so long that Rose, who is 10 years older than I am, had her in grade school, and then Michelle had her too. We still have a globe that she gave to Rose ....35 years ago? Isn't that amazing? Nel will be on dialysis this summer and she's officially on the U's waiting list. She's a B+ blood type. I can't pinpoint exactly what upset me so much reading it...maybe Sarah saying she felt awkward asking, but that she'd just put it out there anyway...knowing that even if it was small, her email contained HOPE....and the sad feeling of wanting to help but we don't match anyway, plus I'm in the paired exchange program....and wondering how the transplant teams pick who gets a chance to live and who gets to keep waiting and I dunno. I felt little and helpless and frustrated. You know? Stupid. I can feed a homeless person food. I can buy the guy with a sign a burger. I can buy diapers for the crisis nursery. I can give food to a food shelter. I can help exactly ONE PERSON waiting for a kidney- and it's big, I know that...it's not just THEM, it's their entire life and everyone in it, if it works. I know. But hell. Someone I actually know....
UGH.
Anyways. I kept myself distracted and emailed her back and told her how very, very sorry I am that Nel is sick and that I don't think we match anyway, but I'm in the paired exchange program and if I'm not matched on April 5th that I'm considering letting them match me to someone from the other list (feels gross saying that)...and that before I did *that*, I'd investigate to see about B+ and A+ being compatible.
It's all good, just made my head and heart a little bit tired. Cullen forgot to hug me even though I was crying. I didn't even expect him to. Weird. He comes home with frozen yogurt from Lee Ann Chin and eggrolls for me as a surprise- isn't that sweet? It's very, very sweet. But I have a 40/60 shot at comfort when I'm crying. It's okay, just weird.
YAY FRIDAY!
Yesterday Cullen and I were tahking and he sais "I'm sorry babe, but we are not paying for flights and a hotel so that we can go to someone else and you can donate a kidney." Well, of course it makes sense not to do that. That's why the national grant is out there. But for whatever reason, with the national grant, they take the recipients financial situation into consideration, I guess. I have no idea why. It's easy for us to qualify since there are 6 of us in this household....Dawn agreed that it doesn't make sense but mentioned that up til a couple of years ago there were no grants available...which is true. They are paving the way for this thing and it'll take time.
But the most exciting news was that I wouldn't be travelling far at all, if at all. It'd be WI, SD, ND or here. So no big. And there's a $1,000 grant available through the U which is much easier to obtain. AND she also said that if I'm matched and we do not want to go to the recipient, they can request for the surgery to be done here and they'd fly my kidney to where it needs to go. I think I'd prefer to be where the recipient is though...it just has to be better to get yanked from me and plopped into them in as little time as possible. :D Enough vicodin would kill any pain on the way home, right??? :)
Do you think it'll actually happen? I mean, I got shot down TWO TIMES trying to be a surrogate. Well, not ME, but my want of being a surrogate. So then I pick this, and after- AFTER I pick this, and research it, and watch Cullen's uncle die waiting...my uterus (best surgery EVER!)...then the gallbladder. So sometimes it seemed like it was never really going to happen. My favorite ever (I've said it before, sorry) is imagining waking up from the kidney surgery and knowing that it has actually really truly finally happened! Won't that be the best??
I got an email today that reminded me how glad I am that I don't know who I'm donating to. Nel had taught at Richfield for so long that Rose, who is 10 years older than I am, had her in grade school, and then Michelle had her too. We still have a globe that she gave to Rose ....35 years ago? Isn't that amazing? Nel will be on dialysis this summer and she's officially on the U's waiting list. She's a B+ blood type. I can't pinpoint exactly what upset me so much reading it...maybe Sarah saying she felt awkward asking, but that she'd just put it out there anyway...knowing that even if it was small, her email contained HOPE....and the sad feeling of wanting to help but we don't match anyway, plus I'm in the paired exchange program....and wondering how the transplant teams pick who gets a chance to live and who gets to keep waiting and I dunno. I felt little and helpless and frustrated. You know? Stupid. I can feed a homeless person food. I can buy the guy with a sign a burger. I can buy diapers for the crisis nursery. I can give food to a food shelter. I can help exactly ONE PERSON waiting for a kidney- and it's big, I know that...it's not just THEM, it's their entire life and everyone in it, if it works. I know. But hell. Someone I actually know....
UGH.
Anyways. I kept myself distracted and emailed her back and told her how very, very sorry I am that Nel is sick and that I don't think we match anyway, but I'm in the paired exchange program and if I'm not matched on April 5th that I'm considering letting them match me to someone from the other list (feels gross saying that)...and that before I did *that*, I'd investigate to see about B+ and A+ being compatible.
It's all good, just made my head and heart a little bit tired. Cullen forgot to hug me even though I was crying. I didn't even expect him to. Weird. He comes home with frozen yogurt from Lee Ann Chin and eggrolls for me as a surprise- isn't that sweet? It's very, very sweet. But I have a 40/60 shot at comfort when I'm crying. It's okay, just weird.
YAY FRIDAY!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Rick and Tina
When I met Cullen back in 94-95, he lived in Brooklyn Center with Rick and Tina. At the time Matthew was 1 1/2 and Kalene was a few months old. Both R and T worked nights, so Cullen was on baby duty for them at night- how much does he rock?! Blew my mind when Kalene would cry and he'd have her changed and back in bed before I could even hold her.
Tina scared the HELL out of me at first. She might have that affect on people more often than not. She is one of the most direct people I have ever met. I guess I wouldn't call her brutally honest, but you are going to hear how she feels or how it is. She can be very hard headed, and when she gets mad, just get the hell out of the way. She was in the service and she doesn't take any shit. She scared me at first. Part of it is founded and the other part was Cullen trying to give me a heads up about her- as in "Don't let anything she says bother you, that's just how she is." stuff, ya know?
However, I'm missing the gene that most smart people have that would make them heed that warning. Cullen was obviously very close to his oldest brother, and he and I were inseperable right from go, so I got to know Rick and Tina very well. Since Cullen lived there, I was there all the time, and they appreciated having people to hang out with at their own house since they had 2 very young kids (with Tayler on the way soon). We were there ALL THE TIME. NON STOP. Somehow I maneuvered around Tina's moods, and we shopped til we dropped and got along just perfectly fine.
At some point when Tayler was a few months old, they moved to Burnsville. We were very close to their babies, obviously. I learned so much from them. I will never forget the first time a 3 year old Kalene was sprawled out on me with her arms over her head so I could tickle her arms and sides for an hour before she fell asleep. I was amazed at the trust of a child, how open to love they are. Rick and Tina parent differently than we do (and their kids are turning out fantastic anyway- another lesson learned by me), and Cullen and I were more of the disciplinarians in that family. Did I just spell that word correctly?! WTF. Seriously? Wow. Then we hit some of our first bumps in our love fest. When I was pg with CJ and scared out of my mind, I felt like Rick rolled his eyes alot. Alot of girls are great at being sober cab all the time, but the Hayeses are irritating, gross drunks (I am nothing but fun, of course.). I hated it. I felt left out etc. Then Tina's mom passed away and she struggled big time with that. We weren't as close for awhile, which I supose was okay in some ways. It still felt normal when we hung out, it just wasn't every single weekend anymore.
The biggest hurdle was just last year, when Kalene confided in me, and I didn't know what to do, so I didn't tell her parents what she confided, and when they found out they were both furious. Rick actually came over and yelled at me, and Rick does NOT get mad. I wouldn't do anything differently and I still think it's very, very sad that she doesn't talk to me anymore. I think it was a huge disservice to her, but I'm only basing that on what I needed and had far too late when I was her age. It could be very different for her...I'm sure that lots of 15 year old who were struggling to not have sex a year ago have lasted a whole year full of opportunities and not done it. Right? :P
The first time seeing Tina after that was a nightmare. I was sick forever beforehand, terrified. We somehow made it through that visit. I did Kalene and Tayler's hair and she did hug and kiss me goodbye like normal but she had said "Well talk about it. Next time." so I felt UGH about it all over again.
And slowly...time passed and other things took place and it faded away. I don't know how, but we're back to good and have been for awhile now. I can't remember what party it was at the townhouse last summer, she was still being so standoffish, it was so uncomfortable, and Kalene took a walk with me and she and I talked- it was the first time I'd gotten to talk to her since it all went down....Hm. Anyway- since September/October, it's been normal again. Which feels good because I have a lot of respect for her. She's different from me in just about every way (outwardly...inside we all want the same things), but it never fails. I keep learning that I can't judge, I just can't judge because it's no time at all and I'm in the shoes she was in and I can understand better how she saw things and why she said/did what she did. It's a valuable lesson and I'm lucky that I get to receive it over and over.
WAIT! Did we win the lottery? I better go find out. I love One Hit Wonders. A.D.D. ON, apparently.
Did I tell you about the brownies? They were not quite done all the way, and I threw the chocolate frosting on when they were still warm so it was all melty. We didn't have brownies, we had a pile of melted chocolate orgasm on a plate. Matt said "Did you mean to do this?" I said "I don't know what you're talking about, this is the most perfect glob that's ever existed." Only it sounded like "I bont no wot r tawkn bout, dis da mot prft gob dat er essisstd" because my mouth was full of heaven right then. They were FANTASTIC.
See? Love is all that matters. I made out hard core with a brownie tonight and couldn't be happier. I wonder if it was good for the brownie.
Tina scared the HELL out of me at first. She might have that affect on people more often than not. She is one of the most direct people I have ever met. I guess I wouldn't call her brutally honest, but you are going to hear how she feels or how it is. She can be very hard headed, and when she gets mad, just get the hell out of the way. She was in the service and she doesn't take any shit. She scared me at first. Part of it is founded and the other part was Cullen trying to give me a heads up about her- as in "Don't let anything she says bother you, that's just how she is." stuff, ya know?
However, I'm missing the gene that most smart people have that would make them heed that warning. Cullen was obviously very close to his oldest brother, and he and I were inseperable right from go, so I got to know Rick and Tina very well. Since Cullen lived there, I was there all the time, and they appreciated having people to hang out with at their own house since they had 2 very young kids (with Tayler on the way soon). We were there ALL THE TIME. NON STOP. Somehow I maneuvered around Tina's moods, and we shopped til we dropped and got along just perfectly fine.
At some point when Tayler was a few months old, they moved to Burnsville. We were very close to their babies, obviously. I learned so much from them. I will never forget the first time a 3 year old Kalene was sprawled out on me with her arms over her head so I could tickle her arms and sides for an hour before she fell asleep. I was amazed at the trust of a child, how open to love they are. Rick and Tina parent differently than we do (and their kids are turning out fantastic anyway- another lesson learned by me), and Cullen and I were more of the disciplinarians in that family. Did I just spell that word correctly?! WTF. Seriously? Wow. Then we hit some of our first bumps in our love fest. When I was pg with CJ and scared out of my mind, I felt like Rick rolled his eyes alot. Alot of girls are great at being sober cab all the time, but the Hayeses are irritating, gross drunks (I am nothing but fun, of course.). I hated it. I felt left out etc. Then Tina's mom passed away and she struggled big time with that. We weren't as close for awhile, which I supose was okay in some ways. It still felt normal when we hung out, it just wasn't every single weekend anymore.
The biggest hurdle was just last year, when Kalene confided in me, and I didn't know what to do, so I didn't tell her parents what she confided, and when they found out they were both furious. Rick actually came over and yelled at me, and Rick does NOT get mad. I wouldn't do anything differently and I still think it's very, very sad that she doesn't talk to me anymore. I think it was a huge disservice to her, but I'm only basing that on what I needed and had far too late when I was her age. It could be very different for her...I'm sure that lots of 15 year old who were struggling to not have sex a year ago have lasted a whole year full of opportunities and not done it. Right? :P
The first time seeing Tina after that was a nightmare. I was sick forever beforehand, terrified. We somehow made it through that visit. I did Kalene and Tayler's hair and she did hug and kiss me goodbye like normal but she had said "Well talk about it. Next time." so I felt UGH about it all over again.
And slowly...time passed and other things took place and it faded away. I don't know how, but we're back to good and have been for awhile now. I can't remember what party it was at the townhouse last summer, she was still being so standoffish, it was so uncomfortable, and Kalene took a walk with me and she and I talked- it was the first time I'd gotten to talk to her since it all went down....Hm. Anyway- since September/October, it's been normal again. Which feels good because I have a lot of respect for her. She's different from me in just about every way (outwardly...inside we all want the same things), but it never fails. I keep learning that I can't judge, I just can't judge because it's no time at all and I'm in the shoes she was in and I can understand better how she saw things and why she said/did what she did. It's a valuable lesson and I'm lucky that I get to receive it over and over.
WAIT! Did we win the lottery? I better go find out. I love One Hit Wonders. A.D.D. ON, apparently.
Did I tell you about the brownies? They were not quite done all the way, and I threw the chocolate frosting on when they were still warm so it was all melty. We didn't have brownies, we had a pile of melted chocolate orgasm on a plate. Matt said "Did you mean to do this?" I said "I don't know what you're talking about, this is the most perfect glob that's ever existed." Only it sounded like "I bont no wot r tawkn bout, dis da mot prft gob dat er essisstd" because my mouth was full of heaven right then. They were FANTASTIC.
See? Love is all that matters. I made out hard core with a brownie tonight and couldn't be happier. I wonder if it was good for the brownie.
It's true.
No matter where I look, it's just true. Love is the only thing that matters. Ever. Period. Everything else trickles down.
I've felt sad because I (we) can't make anything easier or better for Tina, or Rick, or Quentin. I went and got garlic bread and brownies and I couldn't resist the crazy colored daisies. You know how i feel about real flowers, but I couldn't not. And we laughed and talked and I got her out for a walk (right by the fence where the 6 year old climbed over the fence to 35W- HORRIBLE!), and somehow Quentin is even skinnier than a couple of days ago, but he let me hug him goodbye anyway. Do you know what? She could feel how much I love her (them)!!!! I can't fix anything, but I can love them. And somehow it'll just be good enough.
My funny, funny nephew cracked me up when he sat down to discuss hemmoroids. I love Matt to pieces. He taught me a very, very important lesson when he was...how old was he? It was before CJ and after Mexico#1. So...9 years ago? He was 7. Here's the set up:
I was going to cut his hair, and my friend who was pregnant and had a icky baby daddy asked me if I'd go to the birthing classes with her. This was HUGE for me because I'd just miscarried but I'd said yes anyway. I was busy learning about the idea that everyone is on their own path and I had no idea what any of those people had been through to get pregnant- it was VERY good for me. It was the first class. I was a little bit emotionally exhausted afterwards. Cullen was at Rick and Tina's watching the kids, and when I got there it was 9:30pm and all the kids were in bed. I considered not cutting Matt's hair. He had to be sleeping, right? There was that moment in time, one of those moments that are VERY important even though I wasn't aware of how much weight it carried when it came. That was the moment that I thought "I'll just go peek and see if he's awake."
This child knew I was coming over to cut his hair and he laid in bed checking his clock every few minutes, knowing I'd be there by 9:30. He was LAYING THERE AWAKE, WAITING. I have never felt so much relief that I went and checked on him instead of assuming he was fast asleep. My heart broke when I thought about the possiblity of letting him down. I cut his hair, and he went to bed happy.
I get real upset when the kids are promised something that doesn't happen, because they take it to heart and I don't want them to grow up not trusting things that they are told will happen. He was just LAYING THERE watching the CLOCK!!!!
Rick and Tina need a love page all their own. Off I go.
I've felt sad because I (we) can't make anything easier or better for Tina, or Rick, or Quentin. I went and got garlic bread and brownies and I couldn't resist the crazy colored daisies. You know how i feel about real flowers, but I couldn't not. And we laughed and talked and I got her out for a walk (right by the fence where the 6 year old climbed over the fence to 35W- HORRIBLE!), and somehow Quentin is even skinnier than a couple of days ago, but he let me hug him goodbye anyway. Do you know what? She could feel how much I love her (them)!!!! I can't fix anything, but I can love them. And somehow it'll just be good enough.
My funny, funny nephew cracked me up when he sat down to discuss hemmoroids. I love Matt to pieces. He taught me a very, very important lesson when he was...how old was he? It was before CJ and after Mexico#1. So...9 years ago? He was 7. Here's the set up:
I was going to cut his hair, and my friend who was pregnant and had a icky baby daddy asked me if I'd go to the birthing classes with her. This was HUGE for me because I'd just miscarried but I'd said yes anyway. I was busy learning about the idea that everyone is on their own path and I had no idea what any of those people had been through to get pregnant- it was VERY good for me. It was the first class. I was a little bit emotionally exhausted afterwards. Cullen was at Rick and Tina's watching the kids, and when I got there it was 9:30pm and all the kids were in bed. I considered not cutting Matt's hair. He had to be sleeping, right? There was that moment in time, one of those moments that are VERY important even though I wasn't aware of how much weight it carried when it came. That was the moment that I thought "I'll just go peek and see if he's awake."
This child knew I was coming over to cut his hair and he laid in bed checking his clock every few minutes, knowing I'd be there by 9:30. He was LAYING THERE AWAKE, WAITING. I have never felt so much relief that I went and checked on him instead of assuming he was fast asleep. My heart broke when I thought about the possiblity of letting him down. I cut his hair, and he went to bed happy.
I get real upset when the kids are promised something that doesn't happen, because they take it to heart and I don't want them to grow up not trusting things that they are told will happen. He was just LAYING THERE watching the CLOCK!!!!
Rick and Tina need a love page all their own. Off I go.
Super Girl!
Okay the sun is going to save me, because I'm not doing anything to save myself! NO COFFEE! I am not sure what I'm doing or why, but here I am. Stronger than I even want to be. Angie offered to bring me some, which almost made me fall out of my chair.
*dramatic sigh*
But the sun is out and it's going to be gorgeous and I'm going to survive even if I don't really want to.
GO TEAM NICKI.
*puke*
hahah
*dramatic sigh*
But the sun is out and it's going to be gorgeous and I'm going to survive even if I don't really want to.
GO TEAM NICKI.
*puke*
hahah
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Weird
Same post 400 million times over, sorry.
Isn't it weird how alone you can feel even when you know you aren't? I assume everyone feels this way sometimes, but it's weird. I know for certain that I'm not alone, I know for sure that I am as loved as I love, and still..........sometimes I feel far away and unreachable. It's just strange.
Tomorrow is caffeine Wednesday. WHOO HOOOOOOO!!!!! I didn't run more than 2.5 today even though I wanted to. Tomorrow is the day off of running, and I really want to run, so it's super good that I am not going to. :P Go, me. *eyeroll*
hehe
Okay done now. Fo real.
Isn't it weird how alone you can feel even when you know you aren't? I assume everyone feels this way sometimes, but it's weird. I know for certain that I'm not alone, I know for sure that I am as loved as I love, and still..........sometimes I feel far away and unreachable. It's just strange.
Tomorrow is caffeine Wednesday. WHOO HOOOOOOO!!!!! I didn't run more than 2.5 today even though I wanted to. Tomorrow is the day off of running, and I really want to run, so it's super good that I am not going to. :P Go, me. *eyeroll*
hehe
Okay done now. Fo real.
Heaven 2
I can't remember if I've said this or not already, so when in doubt, blab it out.
I DO NOT WANT A FUNERAL. Cullen disagrees with this because he sais (HA!) it's for the survivors to help with grieving, blah blah blah. I DO NOT WANT A FUNERAL.
I want to be cremated and dumped in a lake. Do you know why? Because I AM NOT my body and I absolutely should not take up more space in the earth than necessary. I am okay with a party. Do you think ya'll could pull that off? A party? Maybe everyone could write something, to give to the kids/grandkids etc. You know? But please, I beg you, no funeral. I don't have a religious bone in my body and I don't want someone who never even knew the me of me trying to comfort the people I love the most.
Yeah, I know, that's kinda morbid sounding, but I'm just saying. NO FUNERAL. GOT IT?!
Like this blog will be around then.
Can you imagine if Cullen had to hear every thought that goes in this thing? Lord, if he thinks I'm crazy now. HAH! If he ever got a hold of what I DON'T say. :P
I DO NOT WANT A FUNERAL. Cullen disagrees with this because he sais (HA!) it's for the survivors to help with grieving, blah blah blah. I DO NOT WANT A FUNERAL.
I want to be cremated and dumped in a lake. Do you know why? Because I AM NOT my body and I absolutely should not take up more space in the earth than necessary. I am okay with a party. Do you think ya'll could pull that off? A party? Maybe everyone could write something, to give to the kids/grandkids etc. You know? But please, I beg you, no funeral. I don't have a religious bone in my body and I don't want someone who never even knew the me of me trying to comfort the people I love the most.
Yeah, I know, that's kinda morbid sounding, but I'm just saying. NO FUNERAL. GOT IT?!
Like this blog will be around then.
Can you imagine if Cullen had to hear every thought that goes in this thing? Lord, if he thinks I'm crazy now. HAH! If he ever got a hold of what I DON'T say. :P
Heaven
Doesn't everything seem to happen just when it "should" ? I can't think of one person or situation, now that I feel concious of what I'm doing here, that hasn't appeared exactly at the right time. Even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.
I booked our room for the north shore, and I got us the room with a guest room. Just because it was available. We were discussing whether or not I should unbook that one and get just a room (as long as it has a view and a fireplace we're good) (those are for Cullen..I need the view/sound, but he likes the fp)....when he had a brilliant idea. He suggested inviting Rick and Tina up to have the other room. Chances are close to 100% that her dad will have passed by then...infact, it's weird- we'll probably be past the funeral and everything by time we go. That seems weird, doesn't it? Anyways- figured that they will be desperately ready for a break from real life. Not that the pain will go away- but you know. Cullen called Rick yesterday to ask him. This isn't unusual- in fact, it's probably rarer that we are up there by ourselves ever. We kinda travel as a pack I guess.
I was out with Allyssa when my phone rang, and it was Tina. I was scared for a minute about what she was calling to tell me. It was probably rude, but I apologized and answered. If you could just hear the tension in her voice....it was so tight, and she just wanted to make sure that I really didn't mind, and it sounded an awful lot like she was ready to burst at the seams. Quentin kept a little something down this morning but nothing since, and was on the couch. Tomorrow night the kids and I are going back over to hang with Tina, Quentin and the kids. I hurt for her. I want to wrap her up and hold her. Which I'm going to get to do. I wish it was going to help. Maybe I should bring her flowers tomorrow? It's going to be so beautiful out. Usually I think flowers are stupid to cut and give- I like them growing and alive, it makes me feel sad when they die...I wish I knew what would help. GAH. Oh well. I can love them as big as I can. And that's what I'll do.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Somewhere....
Somewhere I am sitting on this beach, the ocean singing her song to me. I am small, but she loves me regardless. The water laps at my feet, and she invites me to be one with her. A small drop is all I am, but I'm welcome anyway. The moon, wraps her glow around me, reminding me that I'm never really alone. And I just know if the night could speak, I'd hear the softest, truest whispers of love that I could ever hear...
Army of Me
*disclaimers*:
1. I will write something nice about Cullen after this to make up for this.
2. He didn't necessarily do anything "wrong", well, not REALLY. My needs should never be above his own, REALLY. No matter what it is. So I have to own some of this. Which is why I only hold on to a very, very small piece of hurt over these two things.
3. How can I forget to add that I am ABSOLUTELY no better, not even a little bit better, than my darling husband, no matter what stumbling he might do sometimes?
Okay, now that those are out of the way! I've been thinking about the hard dance we do when we're married. How we both have needs, and wants, and wishes, and how sometimes they don't match up, and trying to figure out how to dance the dance sometimes when it'd be easier to yell SCREW OFF and go away for awhile. You know? I've always believed that *I* am solely responsible for my own needs. I can ask for what I'd like, or show him what I'd like to happen, but I cannot possibly depend on him to take care of MY needs. Right? Am I right? Is there a situation that that doesn't hold true for? There might be, I dunno.
There have been 2 times where my need actually felt like a need and his blantant and purposeful neglect of my need hurt me way deep down. I don't get hurt way deep down too often- believe it or not. I know that I feel really, really, really big, but I try to keep the WAY DEEP DOWN HURTS for the WAY BIG DEEP HURTFUL THINGS, know what I mean? He can't "hurt" me when I'm being responsible for my own shit. Well..anyways. Here they are.
1. After the bad Mexico trip, I was a ball of everything. You can imagine, right? Everyone deals in their own way and I was doing a kick ass job. But you know what sucked? Nights. At night time when (sorry if this is a repost!) everything is quiet and you're in bed, and all the sad you've been holding back all day comes storming in, and there's nothing you can do to stop the horrible memories, the wondering, the anger, the frustration...there's nothing you can to do make it not come crashing down. It's soul crushing sometimes, the weight of it all.
Cullen got tired of holding me while I cried myself to sleep.
Does that sound mean? It's actually the truth though. He got tired of it. This wasn't months and months later, no, this was weeks later. The only other person who knew of the black hole that sucked me in when the daytime noises stopped, left me in bed one night, saying "You need to learn how to go to sleep by yourself now." Maybe you'd do the same thing? I don't know. I don't think that I was wanting much. They weren't even loud horrible sobs like after it first happened. But he got tired of it. When he did that, I cried HARD. I BEGGED him to please stay, please, please please...I wouldnt cry anymore, but please don't leave me alone with my head, please......he walked out.
It was like bootcamping a kid who can't put themselves to bed, I supose. It was a few nights like that. Me crying and begging him to please stop this, please just stay, and him insisting that this was good for me, good for me to cry myself to sleep. I have to say, I hated him for it. There's still a part of me that completely disagrees with what he did. He left me when I truly ached to not be alone. It wasn't like my sister could come snuggle me. No, he walked out and left me alone. Over and over. So he could go downstairs and drink.
That was years ago now. I still dislike that him. A lot. I would never do that, I don't think. Maybe the weight was just too heavy for him to bear. I'm sure it was. That can't be fun, a sad crying wife every night when it was bedtime. So I understand, a little bit. But that might be when I first learned that I was not going to count on him to "be there"- which was just as well since it's a crap shoot if he is going to comfort me when I cry or not. He hates that I don't need him but as far as I can tell....I have no choice sometimes.
2. This one is going to get pretty personal. I don't think I've posted anything about this on here. That was your warning...if you don't want to hear about my vagina (hahhaha) then RUN NOW. And it's okay. :)
The hysterectomy was a hard recovery. I had never had major surgery, and that one hurt like a sonfoabitch. To top it off, my darling husband was being a total jackass. It didn't just have to do with my surgery (of which he was all for beforehand)....he was dealing with his dad, his mom, his this and that, and the way he was doing it was to be as disconnected from everyone and everything as possible. Most of his family noticed that he was being a dink. *I* sure did.
Dr. Hot did me no favors at all when he told Dink (as we'll refer to him for this one. I TOLD YOU I'll post a nice about him later! I will! Promise!) that I'd be good as new in 5 weeks. No male dr in his right mind should put a time frame on a girl that way. FWIW, I WAS good in 5 weeks. I felt AMAZING. I was NOT READY to have sex again though. NOT READY. But guess who was MORE THAN READY. And the DR SAID.
It was funny- when I went to the dr for my post op, I was scared of the exam. I mean, come ON! They pried my wide open to climb up and cut my uterus out. This is a pretty big deal. Vagina's can take a beating and bounce back just fine, but COME ON. Anyway- it was so funny when I said "Is this going to hurt?" and Dr Hot said "No." (insert fingers) ...."Does this hurt?" HAHAHAHAH! It just sounded so much like we were messing around or something. "No! No, it doesn't hurt!" I was so happy that it didn't hurt! I had a stitch that was still there so he told me to hold off for another week.
Cullen didn't like that. My husband is not normally demanding of sex, but he was complaining like no one's business about this. This is just so not like him- he normally babies me so well. FINALLY- a week later, I was ready to give it a go.
I've had 3 miscarriages and 4 babies. I'm good at doing these "first times" after "events". He's always patient as I try out my "new" body. And I had a new body now. No cervix. Sewn up top up there.
The weirdest thing in the world happened. THE WEIRDEST. I've NEVER had this happen before in my life. Okay- I'm wrong there, but it was never this bad.....As soon as the actual thing started to happen I froze up and FREAKED OUT. I mean, hyperventilating, stiff, frozen legs, can't breathe freaked out. I couldn't tell you why. I still cannot figure it out. It felt for all the world like my body was remembering surgery. I have no idea. I don't. Just to tell you HOW MUCH it confused me, I'll tell you that we'd practiced orgasms beforehand because I was nervous about how different those would feel. So I honestly thought that we'd have sex and carry on. NO. NO, NO,NO. FREAK OUT. GET OUT! That's all that my head could scream! NO! GET OUT! NO!!!! NO!!!!! Trying continuing to have sex like that. It's hell.
And do you know what? Dink got MAD. He was angry and mad, and frustrated and told me that the Dr. said now was fine, and what was my problem.
THAT IS SO NOT CULLEN.
If that was the only time he acted that way, during those 3 weeks of FREAK OUTS, I could have let it go. But it was 3 weeks of hyperventilating, clutching blankets, teary sex that always ended with him mad (just what a girl needs is a pissed off Dink to make whatever the hell was wrong even worse, let me tell you!). I have never been so confused about my own husband before. Talk about hating him. I had no idea what the hell was wrong with me, or what was happening or why, and for him to guilt me and be such an asshole when I was used to him being the most loving, supportive person I've ever known...I mean, I know 6 weeks is a long time for a guy to go without, but give Major Surgery Girl a break for a minute! Damn.
I don't remember what "made" it better. Maybe the continued practice. I didn't give up, even though Dink was a Dink. We have a good time together that way, and maybe he understood that I was trying as hard as I could to get a grip. F*ck, that really, really sucked. I can almost remember the feeling now, thinking back. YUCK. The first time that it was fun all the way through with no tears, no panic, no pain....I cried happy tears. I was scared I was permanently broken for a minute there.
At some point, after a few drunken nights and fights, I don't know what changed....but *HE* came back. Still the weirdest thing ever. I'm not sure that I could do a round two of him being like that- so cut off and disconnected from me and everyone in his life.
So there. The 2 times that I took it on the chin in a big way, from my darling husband. Who I love and have forgiven (he asked). I'm suposed to forget it, too, but I am not going to. Just as a reference as "how not to behave towards the person you wed." I don't hold it over his head- I mean, there is simply no reason to do that. And he's back to his normal, loving, wonderful self who loves to spoil me rotten with yummy stuff from the grocery store, or buying me food on his way home from work.
I'm not a rock. I take it all in. I think I do pretty good with it....I try to remember that *I* am responsible for my own shit. And that there is always another heart involved, and if it's a heart I'm involved with, I likely love that heart, and that heart deserves my care and consideration too. We all get to "go through" our own stuff, right? So Cullen has gone through some of his own stuff. We all do. We all deal with things differently. It's all good. But I am an Army of Me. I maybe haven't always done so well demanding that others get the hell off of MY heart when they are dealing with their own stuff, but now I can, will and do. *I* don't need to get stomped on. SO GOD HELP ME if I have this kidney surgery and if he promises me things like last time (taking time off, helping, taking care of me...which he barely did and whined the whole time...but he wasn't being his normal self) ....well, I don't know. I guess I'm still planning the whole thing like he's not going to be here because once bitten twice shy? We'll see. I should be trusting that he's going to do as he says. I'm working on it. :)
LALALALALAL! How is the day that much shorter? WHERE THE HELL DOES THAT HOUR GO? There are still 12 hours in a day, but it is definitely shorter feeling. What a silly world we are!
1. I will write something nice about Cullen after this to make up for this.
2. He didn't necessarily do anything "wrong", well, not REALLY. My needs should never be above his own, REALLY. No matter what it is. So I have to own some of this. Which is why I only hold on to a very, very small piece of hurt over these two things.
3. How can I forget to add that I am ABSOLUTELY no better, not even a little bit better, than my darling husband, no matter what stumbling he might do sometimes?
Okay, now that those are out of the way! I've been thinking about the hard dance we do when we're married. How we both have needs, and wants, and wishes, and how sometimes they don't match up, and trying to figure out how to dance the dance sometimes when it'd be easier to yell SCREW OFF and go away for awhile. You know? I've always believed that *I* am solely responsible for my own needs. I can ask for what I'd like, or show him what I'd like to happen, but I cannot possibly depend on him to take care of MY needs. Right? Am I right? Is there a situation that that doesn't hold true for? There might be, I dunno.
There have been 2 times where my need actually felt like a need and his blantant and purposeful neglect of my need hurt me way deep down. I don't get hurt way deep down too often- believe it or not. I know that I feel really, really, really big, but I try to keep the WAY DEEP DOWN HURTS for the WAY BIG DEEP HURTFUL THINGS, know what I mean? He can't "hurt" me when I'm being responsible for my own shit. Well..anyways. Here they are.
1. After the bad Mexico trip, I was a ball of everything. You can imagine, right? Everyone deals in their own way and I was doing a kick ass job. But you know what sucked? Nights. At night time when (sorry if this is a repost!) everything is quiet and you're in bed, and all the sad you've been holding back all day comes storming in, and there's nothing you can do to stop the horrible memories, the wondering, the anger, the frustration...there's nothing you can to do make it not come crashing down. It's soul crushing sometimes, the weight of it all.
Cullen got tired of holding me while I cried myself to sleep.
Does that sound mean? It's actually the truth though. He got tired of it. This wasn't months and months later, no, this was weeks later. The only other person who knew of the black hole that sucked me in when the daytime noises stopped, left me in bed one night, saying "You need to learn how to go to sleep by yourself now." Maybe you'd do the same thing? I don't know. I don't think that I was wanting much. They weren't even loud horrible sobs like after it first happened. But he got tired of it. When he did that, I cried HARD. I BEGGED him to please stay, please, please please...I wouldnt cry anymore, but please don't leave me alone with my head, please......he walked out.
It was like bootcamping a kid who can't put themselves to bed, I supose. It was a few nights like that. Me crying and begging him to please stop this, please just stay, and him insisting that this was good for me, good for me to cry myself to sleep. I have to say, I hated him for it. There's still a part of me that completely disagrees with what he did. He left me when I truly ached to not be alone. It wasn't like my sister could come snuggle me. No, he walked out and left me alone. Over and over. So he could go downstairs and drink.
That was years ago now. I still dislike that him. A lot. I would never do that, I don't think. Maybe the weight was just too heavy for him to bear. I'm sure it was. That can't be fun, a sad crying wife every night when it was bedtime. So I understand, a little bit. But that might be when I first learned that I was not going to count on him to "be there"- which was just as well since it's a crap shoot if he is going to comfort me when I cry or not. He hates that I don't need him but as far as I can tell....I have no choice sometimes.
2. This one is going to get pretty personal. I don't think I've posted anything about this on here. That was your warning...if you don't want to hear about my vagina (hahhaha) then RUN NOW. And it's okay. :)
The hysterectomy was a hard recovery. I had never had major surgery, and that one hurt like a sonfoabitch. To top it off, my darling husband was being a total jackass. It didn't just have to do with my surgery (of which he was all for beforehand)....he was dealing with his dad, his mom, his this and that, and the way he was doing it was to be as disconnected from everyone and everything as possible. Most of his family noticed that he was being a dink. *I* sure did.
Dr. Hot did me no favors at all when he told Dink (as we'll refer to him for this one. I TOLD YOU I'll post a nice about him later! I will! Promise!) that I'd be good as new in 5 weeks. No male dr in his right mind should put a time frame on a girl that way. FWIW, I WAS good in 5 weeks. I felt AMAZING. I was NOT READY to have sex again though. NOT READY. But guess who was MORE THAN READY. And the DR SAID.
It was funny- when I went to the dr for my post op, I was scared of the exam. I mean, come ON! They pried my wide open to climb up and cut my uterus out. This is a pretty big deal. Vagina's can take a beating and bounce back just fine, but COME ON. Anyway- it was so funny when I said "Is this going to hurt?" and Dr Hot said "No." (insert fingers) ...."Does this hurt?" HAHAHAHAH! It just sounded so much like we were messing around or something. "No! No, it doesn't hurt!" I was so happy that it didn't hurt! I had a stitch that was still there so he told me to hold off for another week.
Cullen didn't like that. My husband is not normally demanding of sex, but he was complaining like no one's business about this. This is just so not like him- he normally babies me so well. FINALLY- a week later, I was ready to give it a go.
I've had 3 miscarriages and 4 babies. I'm good at doing these "first times" after "events". He's always patient as I try out my "new" body. And I had a new body now. No cervix. Sewn up top up there.
The weirdest thing in the world happened. THE WEIRDEST. I've NEVER had this happen before in my life. Okay- I'm wrong there, but it was never this bad.....As soon as the actual thing started to happen I froze up and FREAKED OUT. I mean, hyperventilating, stiff, frozen legs, can't breathe freaked out. I couldn't tell you why. I still cannot figure it out. It felt for all the world like my body was remembering surgery. I have no idea. I don't. Just to tell you HOW MUCH it confused me, I'll tell you that we'd practiced orgasms beforehand because I was nervous about how different those would feel. So I honestly thought that we'd have sex and carry on. NO. NO, NO,NO. FREAK OUT. GET OUT! That's all that my head could scream! NO! GET OUT! NO!!!! NO!!!!! Trying continuing to have sex like that. It's hell.
And do you know what? Dink got MAD. He was angry and mad, and frustrated and told me that the Dr. said now was fine, and what was my problem.
THAT IS SO NOT CULLEN.
If that was the only time he acted that way, during those 3 weeks of FREAK OUTS, I could have let it go. But it was 3 weeks of hyperventilating, clutching blankets, teary sex that always ended with him mad (just what a girl needs is a pissed off Dink to make whatever the hell was wrong even worse, let me tell you!). I have never been so confused about my own husband before. Talk about hating him. I had no idea what the hell was wrong with me, or what was happening or why, and for him to guilt me and be such an asshole when I was used to him being the most loving, supportive person I've ever known...I mean, I know 6 weeks is a long time for a guy to go without, but give Major Surgery Girl a break for a minute! Damn.
I don't remember what "made" it better. Maybe the continued practice. I didn't give up, even though Dink was a Dink. We have a good time together that way, and maybe he understood that I was trying as hard as I could to get a grip. F*ck, that really, really sucked. I can almost remember the feeling now, thinking back. YUCK. The first time that it was fun all the way through with no tears, no panic, no pain....I cried happy tears. I was scared I was permanently broken for a minute there.
At some point, after a few drunken nights and fights, I don't know what changed....but *HE* came back. Still the weirdest thing ever. I'm not sure that I could do a round two of him being like that- so cut off and disconnected from me and everyone in his life.
So there. The 2 times that I took it on the chin in a big way, from my darling husband. Who I love and have forgiven (he asked). I'm suposed to forget it, too, but I am not going to. Just as a reference as "how not to behave towards the person you wed." I don't hold it over his head- I mean, there is simply no reason to do that. And he's back to his normal, loving, wonderful self who loves to spoil me rotten with yummy stuff from the grocery store, or buying me food on his way home from work.
I'm not a rock. I take it all in. I think I do pretty good with it....I try to remember that *I* am responsible for my own shit. And that there is always another heart involved, and if it's a heart I'm involved with, I likely love that heart, and that heart deserves my care and consideration too. We all get to "go through" our own stuff, right? So Cullen has gone through some of his own stuff. We all do. We all deal with things differently. It's all good. But I am an Army of Me. I maybe haven't always done so well demanding that others get the hell off of MY heart when they are dealing with their own stuff, but now I can, will and do. *I* don't need to get stomped on. SO GOD HELP ME if I have this kidney surgery and if he promises me things like last time (taking time off, helping, taking care of me...which he barely did and whined the whole time...but he wasn't being his normal self) ....well, I don't know. I guess I'm still planning the whole thing like he's not going to be here because once bitten twice shy? We'll see. I should be trusting that he's going to do as he says. I'm working on it. :)
LALALALALAL! How is the day that much shorter? WHERE THE HELL DOES THAT HOUR GO? There are still 12 hours in a day, but it is definitely shorter feeling. What a silly world we are!
In other news!
I have reached a milestone. It's little, so prepare yourselves to be underwhelmed by this, but it's big to me, so GOI (Get Over It). hehe. Today I have been approved to run 2.5 miles a day. I ran an easy 1.25 earlier today, it was one of those good times that you don't feel a thing. Must have been the pasta I ate for lunch. LOVED IT. Maybe the warm weather too? It makes me SO HAPPY. It really blows sometimes, not having a way to EXPRESS THAT loudly enough. It's always been an issue and always will be. I was reprimanded for my *wild hand slapping* (i.e. clapping) this weekend by my chronically underwhelmed sister. :)
And I excitedly told my cousin and aunts about April 5th, which they already know about becuase of facebook, and I quite literally got this: "uh-huh." while nodding. I guess I need to choose my audience more carefully and get over the fact that sometimes (hah! often?) I'm on my very own island of happy. That's part of the surgery, you know. The physical part. I'll actually be able to FEEL how much I love the world for once.
Okay, Starving. Going to EAT SOME FOOD.
200,000 points for me, just ...well...because. 3:26pm.
Floating...
I just emailed my brother in law. It made me teary, but it's a good teary, I guess. Love tears? And while I'm sitting here, feeling my heart hurting for people I love, the sweetest, softest, bestest breeze ever just came in through the wide open window. I can feel the warmth from the sun and I feel like I'm floating. It's heavenly.
Do you think there is anything worse than the deathwatch? And do you know what? Know what sucks? The fact that when Quentin leaves his body, there is NOTHING I (we) can do to fix the enormous OUCH that is going to take place. That's the sucky part. Nothing fixes the missing. I cry every time I think about her looking at the clock because he usually came home from work right then. Or that thought "Have to check on dad..." and then the BAM that hits you when you realize you DON'T have to check on him ever again. It makes my heart so sad. I wish we could do something to help that.
I'm not afraid. Maybe most people aren't. I'm not afraid to be where it hurts. I'm not scared of seeing Quentin or Rick or Tina or helping her go through his things while she's crying. I'm not afraid of her sitting on my couch crying. But I wish I could touch the hurt and make it a little less for her, for them. Rick has to deal with losing his father in law, who he's fairly close to, and his wife's grief. They have 3 kids who will experience their first big loss. I want to touch the ouch. :(
Maybe, just maybe? Maybe it can be a little bit the same ...where the hurt is so big that they can actually feel love more? I don't know.
Sucky.
It's sucky, but all this yummy, yummy air is wrapping me up and making it okay. I feel a little bad feeling okay, knowing that they don't feel so okay over there. SIGH. That's why I emailed him.
Okay, time to go play outside.
Do you think there is anything worse than the deathwatch? And do you know what? Know what sucks? The fact that when Quentin leaves his body, there is NOTHING I (we) can do to fix the enormous OUCH that is going to take place. That's the sucky part. Nothing fixes the missing. I cry every time I think about her looking at the clock because he usually came home from work right then. Or that thought "Have to check on dad..." and then the BAM that hits you when you realize you DON'T have to check on him ever again. It makes my heart so sad. I wish we could do something to help that.
I'm not afraid. Maybe most people aren't. I'm not afraid to be where it hurts. I'm not scared of seeing Quentin or Rick or Tina or helping her go through his things while she's crying. I'm not afraid of her sitting on my couch crying. But I wish I could touch the hurt and make it a little less for her, for them. Rick has to deal with losing his father in law, who he's fairly close to, and his wife's grief. They have 3 kids who will experience their first big loss. I want to touch the ouch. :(
Maybe, just maybe? Maybe it can be a little bit the same ...where the hurt is so big that they can actually feel love more? I don't know.
Sucky.
It's sucky, but all this yummy, yummy air is wrapping me up and making it okay. I feel a little bad feeling okay, knowing that they don't feel so okay over there. SIGH. That's why I emailed him.
Okay, time to go play outside.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
GLAMOUROUS
First of all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghPcYqn0p4Y LOVE IT. Thought it was Tori. It isn't.
Second of all, I'm drinking. Therefore- expect the grammar and spelling to be impossibly worse. :D I'm going through this stupid Glamour magazine and thinking about what a stupid world this is (im about 2 seconds away from giving up correcint my horseshit spelling too, sorry!) ...what are we DOING? Why would we do this on purpose to our daughters? Very generalized here, but many girls are already feeling pressure to look a certain way. They hear the commercials. They see all the diet pills. They probably hear us/see us being less than satisfied with what we see. (Won't Cullen be soo surprised when he comes home with sprite for my cherry vodka and FUN NICKI is already here?! SUR-PRISE!) and then we have these stupid ass magazines full of SHIT! Guess what's in this one? How to DO kegels and why it's important. You can find this info in every other magazine for the past how many years also. OH! You can compare your sex fantasies with everyone else's, because I'm sure it's a completely reliable source and you should know for sure if you're "normal" or not. There was NO good info in it. Then there's a page about girls who seduced a man one way or another too. If you ask me, whoever wrote it sat down and made up some stories. Here, I'll do one now for you: Okay I won't. It requres some creative tihnking and I'm all tapped out, peeps!
THANK GOD for the 5 ridiculously simple health boosters though! WOW! HOW have we lived without reading this? I know you're just dying to kow what they are. 1. Open Door, Go To Park. 2. Dust off your Uno cards. 3. Love your body more. 4. Get to a pool and float. 5. Hug someone.
I mean, COME ON! You haven't lived until you've done these. Look, I can check off all of them. I guess I haven't floated since last summer, but what the hell.
We LOVED these mags when we were younger. Michelle usually has one or two at her house even now. Makes me kinda wanna vomit.
GUESS WHAT! I didn't run 2 miles today. I don't know how far I ran, and I don't care.
Guess what else? Beer does not truly SOLVE a caffeine headache but it makes it fele further away. OH GOD! DJ Nicki has arrived! I wonder if Dance Party Nicki is coming soon.
Don't ou sometimes wonder whatever happened to Adam Ant? How does one go on being Adam Ant after ...well, being Adam Ant? What would make you want to be Adam Ant anyway?
Isn't it also amazing that all the water that is on Earth is all the water there will be on Earth? It just comes back to us in different forms? That's crazy!
What's worse than Fun Nicki? FUN NICKI WITH NO ONE TO PLAY WITH! JAMIE I WISH YOU WERE STILL UP! Beer makes yuck breath. Must. Brush.Teeth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YXqtx8smiA&feature=related
hehehehehe I'm giggling all by my self.
Why don't I drink more? I positively cannot remember. Is this going to hurt in the morning?
I get to go to work, it's a coffee day tomorrow. Okay I'll let you stop listening to my nonsense. I'm so all over the 80's right now. Cullen can't WAIT. HAHHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAH! Just think, a couple of hours ago, I was almost fast asleep on ....pick a place...my bed frist, ten the couch SPELLING! UGH! and I was thinking "Oh, this will probably be nice for Cullen tonight." OOPS! Oh well. He begs me to drink with him. He cna deal, right!
I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second of all, I'm drinking. Therefore- expect the grammar and spelling to be impossibly worse. :D I'm going through this stupid Glamour magazine and thinking about what a stupid world this is (im about 2 seconds away from giving up correcint my horseshit spelling too, sorry!) ...what are we DOING? Why would we do this on purpose to our daughters? Very generalized here, but many girls are already feeling pressure to look a certain way. They hear the commercials. They see all the diet pills. They probably hear us/see us being less than satisfied with what we see. (Won't Cullen be soo surprised when he comes home with sprite for my cherry vodka and FUN NICKI is already here?! SUR-PRISE!) and then we have these stupid ass magazines full of SHIT! Guess what's in this one? How to DO kegels and why it's important. You can find this info in every other magazine for the past how many years also. OH! You can compare your sex fantasies with everyone else's, because I'm sure it's a completely reliable source and you should know for sure if you're "normal" or not. There was NO good info in it. Then there's a page about girls who seduced a man one way or another too. If you ask me, whoever wrote it sat down and made up some stories. Here, I'll do one now for you: Okay I won't. It requres some creative tihnking and I'm all tapped out, peeps!
THANK GOD for the 5 ridiculously simple health boosters though! WOW! HOW have we lived without reading this? I know you're just dying to kow what they are. 1. Open Door, Go To Park. 2. Dust off your Uno cards. 3. Love your body more. 4. Get to a pool and float. 5. Hug someone.
I mean, COME ON! You haven't lived until you've done these. Look, I can check off all of them. I guess I haven't floated since last summer, but what the hell.
We LOVED these mags when we were younger. Michelle usually has one or two at her house even now. Makes me kinda wanna vomit.
GUESS WHAT! I didn't run 2 miles today. I don't know how far I ran, and I don't care.
Guess what else? Beer does not truly SOLVE a caffeine headache but it makes it fele further away. OH GOD! DJ Nicki has arrived! I wonder if Dance Party Nicki is coming soon.
Don't ou sometimes wonder whatever happened to Adam Ant? How does one go on being Adam Ant after ...well, being Adam Ant? What would make you want to be Adam Ant anyway?
Isn't it also amazing that all the water that is on Earth is all the water there will be on Earth? It just comes back to us in different forms? That's crazy!
What's worse than Fun Nicki? FUN NICKI WITH NO ONE TO PLAY WITH! JAMIE I WISH YOU WERE STILL UP! Beer makes yuck breath. Must. Brush.Teeth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YXqtx8smiA&feature=related
hehehehehe I'm giggling all by my self.
Why don't I drink more? I positively cannot remember. Is this going to hurt in the morning?
I get to go to work, it's a coffee day tomorrow. Okay I'll let you stop listening to my nonsense. I'm so all over the 80's right now. Cullen can't WAIT. HAHHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAH! Just think, a couple of hours ago, I was almost fast asleep on ....pick a place...my bed frist, ten the couch SPELLING! UGH! and I was thinking "Oh, this will probably be nice for Cullen tonight." OOPS! Oh well. He begs me to drink with him. He cna deal, right!
I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's better.
"Josh, who does NOT have a fat butt?"
"You, Mom."
"If there's one thing that you know about me, what it is it?"
"You do not have a fat butt, Mom."
"In fact, who has a perfectly adorable butt besides you?"
*eyeroll* "You, Mom."
"Is there something else you want me to know, Josh?"
"You do not have a fat butt, Mom."
Don't be surprised if the next time you see him, he tells you that his mom does NOT have a fat butt. :) I win.
"You, Mom."
"If there's one thing that you know about me, what it is it?"
"You do not have a fat butt, Mom."
"In fact, who has a perfectly adorable butt besides you?"
*eyeroll* "You, Mom."
"Is there something else you want me to know, Josh?"
"You do not have a fat butt, Mom."
Don't be surprised if the next time you see him, he tells you that his mom does NOT have a fat butt. :) I win.
Oh how the love pours forth from my 6 year old
I was standing at the counter while CJ sat in the chair doing homework, Jordan danced in his winter hat, Julia worked on finishing her dinner, and Josh sat at the counter doing his own homework.
He gets up to get something, and is behind me and soon he's got his hands on the sides of my cheeks and he's SQUEEZING them together. I said "What the...what are you doing?!" and 2 seconds before he got tackled to the ground and tickled until he couldn't even laugh, that little shit said "Seeing how fat your butt is."
Awesome.
He gets up to get something, and is behind me and soon he's got his hands on the sides of my cheeks and he's SQUEEZING them together. I said "What the...what are you doing?!" and 2 seconds before he got tackled to the ground and tickled until he couldn't even laugh, that little shit said "Seeing how fat your butt is."
Awesome.
I can smell the rain
I'm ready for some sunshine but today is pretty yummy. It THUNDERED! The window is open just a little bit and the rain is quietly suggesting that I grab my favorite furry blanket, a couple of kids, and to curl up on the couch and just stay there. I can smell the rain and it smells like spring, like the promise of warm wind, and mornings so good they will make my insides hurt. It's a french vanilla tea, soft music all day day.
BUT FIRST I have to load up all four clowns and drive them 100 feet to school. But after that-! Big plans! Big, lazy, delicious plans full of nothing. And everything.
Any bets on if I'm shooting myself in the foot talking about it? Did I just create a bunch of emergencies at work by saying all that? I hope not.
*growl* My Emotional Vampire has arrived. God help me. (No, it's none of you.) She's being needy today. Seriously. SHE. CAN'T. HAVE. MY. ENERGY. She gets 5 more minutes and I'm done, no matter how depressed she is. Crying at work again, she is. Do I have to feel guilty for not being her puke bag?
I'm reclaiming my morning!
BUT FIRST I have to load up all four clowns and drive them 100 feet to school. But after that-! Big plans! Big, lazy, delicious plans full of nothing. And everything.
Any bets on if I'm shooting myself in the foot talking about it? Did I just create a bunch of emergencies at work by saying all that? I hope not.
*growl* My Emotional Vampire has arrived. God help me. (No, it's none of you.) She's being needy today. Seriously. SHE. CAN'T. HAVE. MY. ENERGY. She gets 5 more minutes and I'm done, no matter how depressed she is. Crying at work again, she is. Do I have to feel guilty for not being her puke bag?
I'm reclaiming my morning!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The things they do....
The flight home from Mexico, the bad trip, was absolute torture. I was suposed to go back to the dr one more time but I was so done with them pushing on my stomach and plenty traumatized. I have never wanted my mom so badly in my life- not even thinking what it must have been like for her on her end. I cry when some kid is a jackass to one of mine....ya know?
I had sad, silent tears, not bothering anyone, most of the way home. I looked at all the people on this enormous 747 and heard all the laughing, saw all the tanness, could still smell the sunshine on them, the ocean, and I just hated everything. It was so unfair. I couldn't scream out to them what had happened. I couldn't very well cry out "My baby! My baby is gone, it's gone. It was here and it's gone, all gone, I'm going home and it's all gone..." the way I wanted to. It is so unfair to do that to people, but I really wanted to. I knew that Cullen was hurting too. Life just hurt. Dad came to pick us up from the airport, and he had to give Cullen's brother and wife a ride home also. I could barely breathe, I needed to cry so badly, and the closer we got to mom's, the worse it got. Do you know that feeling? God, I needed my mom, needed her so badly. Dad could see, so he brought me there first before going to drop them off. Thank God for him. We pulled into the driveway and I was already crying. Poor Rick and Tina, I know they felt horrible and helpless. I hadn't even wanted to go to stupid Mexico. I stumbled out of the truck and finally just let it all leave me. I was a sobbing mess when she opened the door. "My baby." was all I could say over and over.
And then some of the most important words, coming from the only person I could hear inside the me of me, came at the only time I could hear them so clearly and loudly, drowning in so much hurt. She looked right at me, made me look at her, and said with more enough love to reach me, very firmly, "Don't you get discouraged!!!!! Don't. Do not get discouraged." And for one zillionth of a second, I felt that first amazing spark. The spark that would keep growing in me until I could break free from the sorrow. She gave me that. I felt the spark of "Fuck you, world! Is that all you got? I'm suposed to break forever now? I'm not DONE yet. You can't break me!" I don't know if she will ever know the life line she threw me when she said that.
I finally got to just cry and just be there, and she asked questions and I answered. Michelle came over, and that was very hard for her. Even today if she cries, I cry. So I know that she really hurt for me, and it was really hard for her to be there.
I was dreading going home because (stupid girl) the last time I was there, I had been pregnant. I had pregnancy stuff everywhere. But here is another miracle. Guess what they'd done while we were gone? They (mom, dad, Chelle) went downstairs and REDID the basement for us. They painted, they put up a border and decorated it. Can you BELIEVE the timing? It might not sound like a big deal, but what I absolutely needed beyond everything and anything was somewhere to be that didn't hurt, and I had a brand new basement to be in. We hung out there for days, Cullen and I.
I am so lucky that so far the big things we've gone through have pulled us together instead of apart. This was definitely one of those times.
It sounds so sad, but do you know what? As sad as it was, I don't think there is any other way that I could have found out how much I really truly love the world. UGH, stupid human words just don't do it justice. I'm sure I've talked about it before. It was amazing to me.
That was the most painful thing that I'd ever experienced emotionally. I had never in my life been that completely raw. I could feel EVERYTHING going on around me. Probably still doesn't make sense. It was almost like being able to feel the actual energy vibrations of everything. Music saved me over and over, and all the love from everyone helped too. But there was still that pulsating pain......and guess what? Opposites.......if I hurt that bad....and I was that open and raw....suddenly, Life kissed me. Scooped me up gently, and whispered "look," to me. So I looked...I happened to be in my car, on the 70th st exit off 100, on my way to work. There was a flower. *Just* a flower. Have you seen a flower when you're on the verge of the black abyss of sadness? I had new eyes! I had never seen a flower until right then. It was blue, and vibrant, all by itself. It was like it was glowing. This perfect flower, reaching toward the sun. Life. Right here. Right now. Perfect life. A butterfly! Glorious butterfly who goes through a transformation so incredibly amazing no one can explain just how it happens. The leaves rustling in the warm wind. Just being. Giving off oxygen in exhange for our carbon dioxide. It was EVERYWHERE. Everywhere I looked, there was this perfect, beautiful, uninterrupted life. *I* was part of it. Life didn't stop. It didn't fail me at all. It was the first time I understood that. I could feel the life energy dancing around. I could feel everyone around me loving me. The smallest things were the big things, and they got me through! The color of the sky in the morning... the clouds, oh my god, the clouds!
And do you know what? What the best gift EVER was? It never stopped. I wasn't required to give the gift of Really Seeing back, so I never did.
I know lots of beautiful souls who took different paths and have arrived at the very same destination. That's another kick ass Life secret that I adore! We can end up in the very same space having come from two different, equally amazing paths. And if I'm really, really smart, I'll want to know everything about your path because I'll get to see even MORE amazing things. This world is so awesome. Even with all the yuck in it.
I'm going to ride some floaty melodies into Neverland until Cullen gets home. Yes, I promise I'm done for the night. Well, maybe. ;)
I had sad, silent tears, not bothering anyone, most of the way home. I looked at all the people on this enormous 747 and heard all the laughing, saw all the tanness, could still smell the sunshine on them, the ocean, and I just hated everything. It was so unfair. I couldn't scream out to them what had happened. I couldn't very well cry out "My baby! My baby is gone, it's gone. It was here and it's gone, all gone, I'm going home and it's all gone..." the way I wanted to. It is so unfair to do that to people, but I really wanted to. I knew that Cullen was hurting too. Life just hurt. Dad came to pick us up from the airport, and he had to give Cullen's brother and wife a ride home also. I could barely breathe, I needed to cry so badly, and the closer we got to mom's, the worse it got. Do you know that feeling? God, I needed my mom, needed her so badly. Dad could see, so he brought me there first before going to drop them off. Thank God for him. We pulled into the driveway and I was already crying. Poor Rick and Tina, I know they felt horrible and helpless. I hadn't even wanted to go to stupid Mexico. I stumbled out of the truck and finally just let it all leave me. I was a sobbing mess when she opened the door. "My baby." was all I could say over and over.
And then some of the most important words, coming from the only person I could hear inside the me of me, came at the only time I could hear them so clearly and loudly, drowning in so much hurt. She looked right at me, made me look at her, and said with more enough love to reach me, very firmly, "Don't you get discouraged!!!!! Don't. Do not get discouraged." And for one zillionth of a second, I felt that first amazing spark. The spark that would keep growing in me until I could break free from the sorrow. She gave me that. I felt the spark of "Fuck you, world! Is that all you got? I'm suposed to break forever now? I'm not DONE yet. You can't break me!" I don't know if she will ever know the life line she threw me when she said that.
I finally got to just cry and just be there, and she asked questions and I answered. Michelle came over, and that was very hard for her. Even today if she cries, I cry. So I know that she really hurt for me, and it was really hard for her to be there.
I was dreading going home because (stupid girl) the last time I was there, I had been pregnant. I had pregnancy stuff everywhere. But here is another miracle. Guess what they'd done while we were gone? They (mom, dad, Chelle) went downstairs and REDID the basement for us. They painted, they put up a border and decorated it. Can you BELIEVE the timing? It might not sound like a big deal, but what I absolutely needed beyond everything and anything was somewhere to be that didn't hurt, and I had a brand new basement to be in. We hung out there for days, Cullen and I.
I am so lucky that so far the big things we've gone through have pulled us together instead of apart. This was definitely one of those times.
It sounds so sad, but do you know what? As sad as it was, I don't think there is any other way that I could have found out how much I really truly love the world. UGH, stupid human words just don't do it justice. I'm sure I've talked about it before. It was amazing to me.
That was the most painful thing that I'd ever experienced emotionally. I had never in my life been that completely raw. I could feel EVERYTHING going on around me. Probably still doesn't make sense. It was almost like being able to feel the actual energy vibrations of everything. Music saved me over and over, and all the love from everyone helped too. But there was still that pulsating pain......and guess what? Opposites.......if I hurt that bad....and I was that open and raw....suddenly, Life kissed me. Scooped me up gently, and whispered "look," to me. So I looked...I happened to be in my car, on the 70th st exit off 100, on my way to work. There was a flower. *Just* a flower. Have you seen a flower when you're on the verge of the black abyss of sadness? I had new eyes! I had never seen a flower until right then. It was blue, and vibrant, all by itself. It was like it was glowing. This perfect flower, reaching toward the sun. Life. Right here. Right now. Perfect life. A butterfly! Glorious butterfly who goes through a transformation so incredibly amazing no one can explain just how it happens. The leaves rustling in the warm wind. Just being. Giving off oxygen in exhange for our carbon dioxide. It was EVERYWHERE. Everywhere I looked, there was this perfect, beautiful, uninterrupted life. *I* was part of it. Life didn't stop. It didn't fail me at all. It was the first time I understood that. I could feel the life energy dancing around. I could feel everyone around me loving me. The smallest things were the big things, and they got me through! The color of the sky in the morning... the clouds, oh my god, the clouds!
And do you know what? What the best gift EVER was? It never stopped. I wasn't required to give the gift of Really Seeing back, so I never did.
I know lots of beautiful souls who took different paths and have arrived at the very same destination. That's another kick ass Life secret that I adore! We can end up in the very same space having come from two different, equally amazing paths. And if I'm really, really smart, I'll want to know everything about your path because I'll get to see even MORE amazing things. This world is so awesome. Even with all the yuck in it.
I'm going to ride some floaty melodies into Neverland until Cullen gets home. Yes, I promise I'm done for the night. Well, maybe. ;)
Four days
That's how long it takes before Stupid Girl takes over. BUT! Here is what is good about Super Rational Me. Instead of running another mile on the treadmill, which is what I wanted to do, what I did is call Cullen. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, wanting to run on the treadmill, but I already did my 2 miles today and I spiral fast. Sadly I've had more than one psychologist admire my mad skills at being logical like a boy when I have to be. :D For being such a head case, I'm pretty fricken reasonable.
ANYWAYS. I'm a little disappointed in me. FOUR DAYS? Really? Four days is all I can handle before I want to do MORE? Instead, I decided that whatever Cullen said is what would be. But before that, I tried all my tricks on him to get him to agree to one more mile today. He didn't budge. I was in the middle of a pout when he reminded me that The Locator is on alllll night long, and in an hour Whose Line will be on and then he'll be home and we'll laugh ourselves to bed. I will have made it.
And because I'm mega rational (hahahhaha!) and I know that *I* am the one with jacked thinking, I just listen to Cullen and I'll be good even though he'd never know if I ran on the treadmill, around the block, or to Mars.
I've seen all these episodes already. I'm hungry and I don't want carrots or anything else I've cooked. SIGH. *smirk* I wonder if he'd get me a Wendy's burger on his way home. If that's not the WORST food choice EVER, at the worst time to eat EVER....I wonder if I care?
Today I brought NonWillow into the office. I went into VP's office and said "Wanna see my spider's molt?" and he said "No. But don't leave because that doesn't mean I won't look." hehehe So he checked it out. Then he says "OH! Did you see the article in the paper the other day?" I thought it was another spidey article. I said "No. What was it?" "A guy...he donated a kidney. Found someone on facebook. It was good. Go pull it up." This was the first time he'd talked to me about it since I emailed him. Well, if you don't count his "Nicki you are beyond help." comment. HAHAHAH. WHO, ME? So then I went and picked the kids up from mom. She asked me what blood type I am. "A positve. What are you?" She didn't know. She was actually asking me because she'd ended up somewhere on facebook on a couple of people's pages- people who need kidney's. Said she'd noticed they both need A+ donors.
*WHAT?!*
This woman (does she read it? I LOVE YOU MOM, just in case you do!) blows my mind. Do you know the things I've thrown at her? My teenage years for one, which were horrid. Then I meet Cullen (I'm sure she cheered loudly)....so I marry and go away, and have babies. Then I want to homeschool (and I did til I found a school. Not that that's "really" homeschooling. It's what everyone does for a 5 year old. But I did it through k12.com) My dad did NOT like that. :) Mom rolled with it, because she's so like that! Then the surrogacy. She worried, then she rolled with it. Head shaving. She watched me get my head shaved! Surgeries, surgeries and a kidney. I was so nervous when it was time to tell her that I was ACTUALLY doing it instead of just talking about it. And now look! Now look at her! I thought for a minute I was getting set up on a blind date for a kidney donation. :D Okay, I'm kidding, but honestly. I'm probably as surprised by her never ending support and love as she is by anything I ever do. I've got a good Momma story coming up. Don't you wish they had some new episodes of The Locator on for me (you)? hahah!
Choo Choo
I can see the red, white and free in you
You light the night up like the moon
And underneath your clouds, I see the blue
You're hopeless cause you tell the truth
The stars are jealous of your shine
If you were mine
There's not a thing I wouldn't do
You're black and beautiful, yellow, tan
You're white as light and soft as sand
With greens and greys and oh for days
A silver lining on the way you cover everyone
Just like a morning sun
You turn me into someone I would rather be
Ooooh I love your every color
Ooooh I love your everything
You wear the day around you
Like it's yours to stay around you
Maybe I could stay around you too
If that's alright with you
You're coffee brown and bubble gum pink
And oh I think the shade of you is on the brink
Of changing all the ways I see the world
I could drown inside a single drop
Of all the kinds of things you got
And all the kinds of things I'm not
Might just give me a chance to see
From way up where you are
Above the silent stars
Just dancing in the sky
You're better than any rainbow
You're brighter than the sun
You look like my first day of summer
When my spring is on the run
You're gold and more gold
And you're platinum too
With snow toned, copper attitude
I don't know what I'd do without you
I don't know what I'll do about you
You light the night up like the moon
And underneath your clouds, I see the blue
You're hopeless cause you tell the truth
The stars are jealous of your shine
If you were mine
There's not a thing I wouldn't do
You're black and beautiful, yellow, tan
You're white as light and soft as sand
With greens and greys and oh for days
A silver lining on the way you cover everyone
Just like a morning sun
You turn me into someone I would rather be
Ooooh I love your every color
Ooooh I love your everything
You wear the day around you
Like it's yours to stay around you
Maybe I could stay around you too
If that's alright with you
You're coffee brown and bubble gum pink
And oh I think the shade of you is on the brink
Of changing all the ways I see the world
I could drown inside a single drop
Of all the kinds of things you got
And all the kinds of things I'm not
Might just give me a chance to see
From way up where you are
Above the silent stars
Just dancing in the sky
You're better than any rainbow
You're brighter than the sun
You look like my first day of summer
When my spring is on the run
You're gold and more gold
And you're platinum too
With snow toned, copper attitude
I don't know what I'd do without you
I don't know what I'll do about you
When it's the best
I love:
new razors
my express sweatshirt from a million trillion years ago. it's been washed as many times and it's huge on me and it is my most favoritest thing to put on after I get out of the shower.
my grey and pink yoga pants. I know I'm the undressed queen but give me a break. This material feels SOOOOO good. I would live in them if I could. They feel just as good as my sweatshirt. My favorite day is when I do laundry and I pull them both out of the dryer, warm and smelling good. I'll take a shower right then just so I can throw them on.
When i'm at work and Aaron makes his coffee- which should be classified as something else. I had half a cup once and it took all 11 co workers to peel me off the ceiling, and 3 interpreters to determine what I was saying. I was talking too fast for normal human ears to catch, apparently. I don't drink it anymore, but i shamelessly stand at his desk smelling it.
Orange juice first thing out of bed. Yum.
Howard Jones' No One Ever Is To Blame. Classic.
I love how every day, one way or another, I'm reminded that we're all the same, pretty much. Only instead of making me feel like we're all boring, I feel like we're all MAGNIFICENT.
One day, years ago, Rodney and I were leaving work. He is so funny. The elevator is mirrored. You know he turned around, checked himself out and started a spot on imitation of MN singing Man in the Mirror. He Did Not Stop when other people got on the elevator. Then he stopped long enough to announce "Damn, Nicki, that chinese food just runs right through me." I was HOWLING. I still laugh thinking about it.
I love going to the state fair and people watching and eating. OH! I need to see the animals too. Those are the only things I care about there.
I love when the kids take the initiative and clean without me asking.
I love when I can spell initiative. Is that actually spelled correctly?
I love saying CONDONDRUM. Did I spell THAT correctly?
WHY AM I WATCHING TOP MODEL? THIS IS THE BIGGEST...UGH!!!
I love singers and swing.
I love Music Box Dancer
No, really, there's nothing better than what I'm wearing right now.
OH! I love a really nice buzz. You know, the kind that makes you feel like EVERYTHING is REALLY, REALLY GOOD? Well, that's what it does to me anyway. It's actually kind of hard because you know what a goon I am. I love everything so much anyway, and then a good buzz...well, I dork out. Shamelessly. This seems to work when other people around me drink too. HAHAHAHAH!
Okay, I love that I can get away with just about anything because nothing surprises anyone anymore.
I LOVE Wendy's bacon and bleu burger. WANT.
I love WANT. Don't you? When you really WANT something, it can unleash some serious power. Especially if you put that WANT into action. It's like a magnet, pulling it towards you. It's good stuff. Oooh, but you do have to use your powers for good. I didn't say for the good of WHO, but just for good. ;)
I love that I totally want to run another mile and I totally am not going to. It's slightly irritating that in 7 days I will have run what Cullen does in 2. 5. But it's not a competition, and my head ain't right about it, and 14 miles is better than none, and if I'm a good girl I bet I can get up to 3 miles a day breaking the running up like I've been doing. Sensay said (tee hee) that I have to "master" this for a week first. Sunday will be a week. OH WAIT! I'm going up north.... hm. Well, whateva!
I love the smell of spring when it really starts. I love when the sun is coming up in the morning, it shines right in my bedroom window. I love when it's 50 degrees or better in the morning and I can throw the windows open and it's good enough to eat!
I love my funny Angie and how she tells stories. She's one of those people that you KNOW you're going to hear a good story every time to talk to her.
Okay I'm done for now. PHONE!
new razors
my express sweatshirt from a million trillion years ago. it's been washed as many times and it's huge on me and it is my most favoritest thing to put on after I get out of the shower.
my grey and pink yoga pants. I know I'm the undressed queen but give me a break. This material feels SOOOOO good. I would live in them if I could. They feel just as good as my sweatshirt. My favorite day is when I do laundry and I pull them both out of the dryer, warm and smelling good. I'll take a shower right then just so I can throw them on.
When i'm at work and Aaron makes his coffee- which should be classified as something else. I had half a cup once and it took all 11 co workers to peel me off the ceiling, and 3 interpreters to determine what I was saying. I was talking too fast for normal human ears to catch, apparently. I don't drink it anymore, but i shamelessly stand at his desk smelling it.
Orange juice first thing out of bed. Yum.
Howard Jones' No One Ever Is To Blame. Classic.
I love how every day, one way or another, I'm reminded that we're all the same, pretty much. Only instead of making me feel like we're all boring, I feel like we're all MAGNIFICENT.
One day, years ago, Rodney and I were leaving work. He is so funny. The elevator is mirrored. You know he turned around, checked himself out and started a spot on imitation of MN singing Man in the Mirror. He Did Not Stop when other people got on the elevator. Then he stopped long enough to announce "Damn, Nicki, that chinese food just runs right through me." I was HOWLING. I still laugh thinking about it.
I love going to the state fair and people watching and eating. OH! I need to see the animals too. Those are the only things I care about there.
I love when the kids take the initiative and clean without me asking.
I love when I can spell initiative. Is that actually spelled correctly?
I love saying CONDONDRUM. Did I spell THAT correctly?
WHY AM I WATCHING TOP MODEL? THIS IS THE BIGGEST...UGH!!!
I love singers and swing.
I love Music Box Dancer
No, really, there's nothing better than what I'm wearing right now.
OH! I love a really nice buzz. You know, the kind that makes you feel like EVERYTHING is REALLY, REALLY GOOD? Well, that's what it does to me anyway. It's actually kind of hard because you know what a goon I am. I love everything so much anyway, and then a good buzz...well, I dork out. Shamelessly. This seems to work when other people around me drink too. HAHAHAHAH!
Okay, I love that I can get away with just about anything because nothing surprises anyone anymore.
I LOVE Wendy's bacon and bleu burger. WANT.
I love WANT. Don't you? When you really WANT something, it can unleash some serious power. Especially if you put that WANT into action. It's like a magnet, pulling it towards you. It's good stuff. Oooh, but you do have to use your powers for good. I didn't say for the good of WHO, but just for good. ;)
I love that I totally want to run another mile and I totally am not going to. It's slightly irritating that in 7 days I will have run what Cullen does in 2. 5. But it's not a competition, and my head ain't right about it, and 14 miles is better than none, and if I'm a good girl I bet I can get up to 3 miles a day breaking the running up like I've been doing. Sensay said (tee hee) that I have to "master" this for a week first. Sunday will be a week. OH WAIT! I'm going up north.... hm. Well, whateva!
I love the smell of spring when it really starts. I love when the sun is coming up in the morning, it shines right in my bedroom window. I love when it's 50 degrees or better in the morning and I can throw the windows open and it's good enough to eat!
I love my funny Angie and how she tells stories. She's one of those people that you KNOW you're going to hear a good story every time to talk to her.
Okay I'm done for now. PHONE!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Case In point!!!!
THAT is why I don't watch the news! There are NOT enough GOOD stories to make up for the nasty ones! UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WASH ME!!! Get the ick off of me! Nasty. So- I CAN still have a contextual field in my life without actually having to watch horrible news stories. I can know that the icky, bad, nasty stuff is out there and be eternally thankful that none of that is currently happening to me right now. Which I am. How come we all think it's okay to be bombarded with such horseshit? How do normal people take watching that everyday?!?!?!
Say, I'm crying...watching what's on TV
Pain, and suffering and the struggle to be free...
it can't ever be denied and I never will ignore-
but when I see you coming, I can take it all.
*dreamy* I <3 Michael.
We'll take a commercial break here, and have a moment of silence, full of all of the everything that I'm NOT saying. I bet you didn't even think that was possible, did you? It IS super duper funny when Jamie is over and I'll start to say something and she just nods and say "I already know." because she read it already. It makes me laugh even though it's probably slightly pathetic that I have such an insane need to bleed myself all over the world. :) Or my little Nicki world anyway.
I'm going to go make out hard core with the treadmill right now. For real. That mile is going to FLY! I'm going to LIKE IT. I'm going to be SINGING at the top of my lungs. Okay, fine, I'll be panting and singing at the same time.
Competition has begun for NonWillow. Cullen's got some science teacher friends who are dying to get their hands on it. He said he'll bring it in so they can show the class but they can't keep it. Then that punk ass promised them next years molt, so now next year I'm going to have to be quiet about it when she's doing it. *snicker* Gosh, if we could find out how to make me quiet, wouldn't most people around me CHEER? KILL THE EXUBERANCE ALREADY! Oh well. :P
AND gues(s) what else? I just got one day closer to finding out when I get to have surgery. GO ME! I gotta go, go,go,go,go.....(backyardigans again. youtube it. It ROCKS!)
Say, I'm crying...watching what's on TV
Pain, and suffering and the struggle to be free...
it can't ever be denied and I never will ignore-
but when I see you coming, I can take it all.
*dreamy* I <3 Michael.
We'll take a commercial break here, and have a moment of silence, full of all of the everything that I'm NOT saying. I bet you didn't even think that was possible, did you? It IS super duper funny when Jamie is over and I'll start to say something and she just nods and say "I already know." because she read it already. It makes me laugh even though it's probably slightly pathetic that I have such an insane need to bleed myself all over the world. :) Or my little Nicki world anyway.
I'm going to go make out hard core with the treadmill right now. For real. That mile is going to FLY! I'm going to LIKE IT. I'm going to be SINGING at the top of my lungs. Okay, fine, I'll be panting and singing at the same time.
Competition has begun for NonWillow. Cullen's got some science teacher friends who are dying to get their hands on it. He said he'll bring it in so they can show the class but they can't keep it. Then that punk ass promised them next years molt, so now next year I'm going to have to be quiet about it when she's doing it. *snicker* Gosh, if we could find out how to make me quiet, wouldn't most people around me CHEER? KILL THE EXUBERANCE ALREADY! Oh well. :P
AND gues(s) what else? I just got one day closer to finding out when I get to have surgery. GO ME! I gotta go, go,go,go,go.....(backyardigans again. youtube it. It ROCKS!)
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