Nicki Island

My head...my head.
My head needs to vomit.
I'm trying, I promise I'm trying, and I WILL be fine, because I always am, but I'm in a weird mad/sad place.
I love my family to PIECES. I love them. There is no *particular* thing that occurs when I'm with them that causes this...I mean, we laugh SO HARD. I think I laughed til I cried every day that we were together. So you understand that this is just ME...being me.
I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I usually get a complex when I'm around the sisters because they are FAR more put together than I am. I am the most irritatingly unorganized person in the universe. I am. I can tell you where the legos are, I can tell you where unimportant things are hidden, but I cannot tell you where my keys are (check my purse or the counter), and it's a miracle that I don't forget MORE things. They are both way way way more organized that I am. And they are both Barbies. One knows she's stunning (and she is, she just is, that's how it is.) and one is this little fashionista who thinks she's a fat cow. Even my 12 year old niece noticed how we are...that I'm not the pretty one. I don't CARE about that- you KNOW I don't. I know who I am! It just seems like everything I'm NOT is so much more evident when they are around. And that's just the outside physical stuff- I'm bigger than they both are, and chances are good that I"m in something that I can run and play in and that ...I'm not as cute as they are. I don't like jewelry. I don't! They went to a jewelry party together. I just don't fit. Like I said- that's only the physical stuff. Don't get me started on the inside stuff and how the feeling that I "just don't get it" multiplies ten fold. I feel like there are things that "should" matter to me that don't...things that matter to them, and since there are more of them than there is of me it makes me feel lonely and...lonely.
I KNOW! I'm NOT reassurance seeking (how many times will I say it? But I'm not!)...Poor Cullen hears this all the time and we have the same talk, and I KNOW. I KNOW I'm a good person. I KNOW that. I KNOW, I know I'm a lot like my dad, and who doesn't like my dad? I KNOW. I know I know I know, till I'm blue in the face but when I'm around them for any amount of time, I let it make me feel lonely. It's strange how I feel so connected to people that I feel so far away from sometimes. We're connected but we're so different in so many ways. Neither of them do anything to "make" me feel this way...I just see how they are and see how different I am and it screams.
That whole "feeling lonely in a sea of people" feeling that I get often enough anyway and this just...ugh.
So to counteract that- I'm organizing the cousins/aunts to make meals/deliver food to Lisa and Dan. Double masectomy on Monday. :( They don't have room so we'll just move our freezer to their house for the time being. That works, right? We're going to surround them with as much love as we can and ...hope. Her mom's cancer was caught at the same stage (II) and it was a long hard battle. They think it hasn't reached her lymph nodes yet, which would be huge.
It's so frustrating not being able to do anything. I hate this feeling. Surgery is Monday. How do you think she's feeling right now? Her head is spinning, she's terrified, she's suddenly missing her mother, and more connected to her than ever at the very same time, and trying to reshuffle and reorganize everything, in a moment's notice of time? I have to remember that there is a path and a reason and an opportunity and...breathe.
On the upside...I sent Cullen out for some ghetto ass shrimp tacos from taco bell, and they didn't have them anymore so he went to Doolittles to get me my all time favorite fish tacos. Isn't he the bestest? And he keeps calling me trying to make my head better, which it WILL be. I hate being Stupid Girl Nicki and it won't last, I'll shake it off. Just feels like I'm in a foreign land where I don't speak the language right now. I'm sure my plane is coming to take me home soon. I hope.