I woke up crying...

The night before last, I heard something.
At the time I heard it, it pireced me, but I held it right there. Because I didn't have the time to let it all the way in, you know?
Yesterday was such a busy day- and it was just a *good* day all around- so I held it back then too. Last night most of my favorite people were in my house so I didn't touch it then either.
But this morning,
it's in, all the way in.

Cullen's family is huge. His dad has siblings up the wazoo. I LOVE THEM. Meeting all of them, way back then, was overwhelming but they were all so nice to me. I. LOVE. THEM. This is why when the siblings wanted to stop doing the annual Christmas get together, Cathy and I took it on. I can't believe how much work they put into it year after year, becuase it was a ton of work, but it was WORTH IT to see everyone. And we did a summer get together last year...Johnny (my kidney inspiration) was in the hospital at the time and couldn't make it but he is the oldest sibling and he was so happy we were doing this. We want the family together. It's honestly like herding cats a little bit, but we're going to keep putting these things together. It's important. Family counts- in whatever form it comes in.
I could tell you a little bit about each one, but I'm going to tell you just about Tim right now. Tim, first of all, is the exact replica of Josh. Tim recognized it first when Joshy was really young, and he was right. At Johnny's viewing, many people saw the pictures of young Tim in the fam pics and came running to tell us that he and Josh are twins. It's incredible. Tim is the most wonderful Grampa to his 3 grandbabies. He loves his children so much- he knows how precious life is and he is NOT going to miss out on one second. In fact- he knows how precious life is because he has experienced a loss so painful that in order to survive it, you have to. Do you know what I mean? It's the same as anyone...the hurt is so bad and you are so raw that suddenly you can see dust particles sparking in the air, and some of the magic of life seeps in, through the desperate pain?
Sandy, his wife, fought, fought, fought GOD she fought her breast cancer. And she was so FUNNY! At one point near the end of the fight, she said "If this cancer doesn't kill me, Tim's cooking is going to!" We loved Sandy. She was wonderful, and for Tim and the kids to lose her when she herself was young, the kids were young...OH...it was so sad to see them hurting so much.
And then Lisa got married and the babies started coming...and I know she missed her mom throughout it but Tim was there enough for the both of them. You should see him glow when he talks about them. He GLOWS. He hasn't forgotten how short time is or how sweet each day is!
Lisa has stageII breast cancer.
And I am thankful it's stage II and I'm sad because it just feels....I want to hug Tim, who must be freaking out. I want to hug Chris (her brother)...and Dan, and LISA, and I'm mad that there's nothing we can do to make it better. Maybe round up the cousins and make meals for them so that they don't have to worry about that during her treatments etc but DAMN.