1. An hour and a shower later and I still can't not cry when I think of the listing.
2. Due to #1, I cranked the shower up to 101 degrees. I got goosebumps, said screw it, and shaved anyway. That DID distract me temporairily.
3. Standing in the hot water started to relax me the way I meant it to. I was zoning, eyes closed, and opened my mouth (yes, seriously) with the intent to drink some water (hey, it was hot! Made me thirsty). Immediately, however, GOLDEN SHOWER flashed into my mind. I spit the water back out.
And...here I am. If you REALLY want to know, I fully intend on having a glass of sprite with some of the yum yum cherry vodka shortly also.
I was thinking about how I've grown up since being married. We got married so very young. Of course, an insane amount of growing up occurs when kids come along. They can change the entire way we see EVERYTHING, the way we feel about everything. But what I'm talking about is staying married.
The least favorite thing about myself that I have is my sarcasm. Oh, I'm still plenty sarcastic but I really, really could be a mean bitch. We used to struggle like no one's business every winter when Cullen would get laid off. He totally and completely threw off my entire routine, and he didn't understand why I would get so pissed.
But do you know what? I had to learn to chill out too. I had to learn that things didn't fall apart if things didn't happen just perfectly on schedule. He had to learn to understand that in order to juggle things, I needed to feel like I knew what to plan on.
And I had to stop being a sarcastic bitch.
I'm passive aggressive. I have had to learn how to tell someone point blank that they hurt me or that I don't agree with what they are saying without being a meanie weenie. That's not easy. I clearly remember as a kid being asked my opinion, wanting to say that I didn't want to go, and I just COULDN'T....so I said "sure" and went along anyway. That has played out a HUNDRED THOUSAND times over the years (another note to self: instill the ability to speak up in my babies! keep encouraging it! listen to their side and respond, consider their point of view!).
Anyways, it's taken me til now...i have to work on it all the time. When i get irritated, my first fallback is to go into sarcastic mode, and I have to conciously breathe and get to the heart of the matter FAST instead of being an ass. But I have kids who see and hear all, and they are such amazing creatures that they pick up the undertones even. I know where I got my sarcasm. I learned from my momma! I love her to pieces, but she is very, very sarcastic towards my dad. I don't even know if she realizes it....but I don't want my kids to be sarcastic. I don't want them to feel strange on the inside, like they aren't sure what's *really* going on, but sure that *something* is, because the tone and what was actually said and the reaction it got from whoever it was said to don't match up. Ya know?
Die, sarcastic bitch, DIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
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