falling, falling....falling.

There might not be anything sadder to me than feeling taken for granted.


I can't even make a sad frowny smiley big enough for right now.



This HAS to be PMS.

Sometimes I feel soooo much on my own island....sometimes he feels sad, because I don't "need" him for "anything" meaning this house runs without him 90% of the time. If he disappeared (I can't even pretend kill him off), very little would change. Sundays would be the most different, and CJ and Josh wouldn't see him for lunch at school on Wed. I'd have to remember to put the garbage out ALL THE TIME, and I'd have to do the heavy stuff that I pass off on him right now...I don't think there's much of it. I love my time with him at night even though it makes me desperately tired. I hate going to bed by myself and he made me do it (and he did "make me"...feel another blog coming on...) for years and years, and now we have so much fun hanging out for a little while when he gets home.

I don't even know what I need. It's like ONLY HE gets to be tired by Friday, because he works 2 jobs out of the house. I want to kick him in his shin. That's all. No love for him today. *start sarcasm here, the very sarcasm i saved for here so i didn't say anything mean to him*: But don't worry! I'll haul all the kids down there tonight so they can "play"...oh, well, how convenient that he also needs me to stop and get him, Scotty and Joice pizza. Interesting. Don't worry about me. I'm the energizer bunny. I just keep going and going and going.

I hate going to bed by myself but do you know what? I'm pretty sure I'll do it anyway tonight. He's good to me- he wishes for me to be addicted to coffee and he brings me some every day. He would bring me food if I asked for it. I try to acknowledge everything he does. When he throws a load of clothes in or ..whatever it is, I try to notice it and say thank you. I just need a thank you. And I wish he could understand how sad and lonely it feels to know that I just get to keep going with little regard to what *I* actually need. Mom says this is motherhood, it's what I signed up for. I think that *I* should still count. But unfortunately *I* upset Cullen when I told him I'd so much rather stay home and he can get his own pizza. *I* am the moron who is going anyway just *I* would rather him not be an ass to me than getting *my* break. It sound so selfish.

I hate cleaning today. I hate everything right now. *Almost* everything.

Guess I'll go eat worms.