HA!
That's the answer I got. They are "aiming" for July 13th for surgery. AIMING FOR. There is still some test going on in Fargo on someone or other (God bless you, whoever you are!), but I am to plan on the 13th, unless I hear differently. On the 12th I will go in all day for final testing, meet again with the surgeon's etc.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! THIRTEEN DAYS AWAY!!!!!! YAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!
I ordered my shirt today also. It is set to arrive between July 13th and 15th, but I bet it gets here sooner. :D I can't wait to see it.
There's been one aspect of this that I've looked at longer and harder than any other. I'm ready to tackle it completely now. I read a story by another soon to be donor (who knew her recipient) regarding the attention aspect.
Because, for her, she was surprised that she was constantly battling the want/need for attention from other regarding what she was doing.
And I have had someone halfway accuse me of doing it for attention. Because I am 1) A LEO (look it up! We're all about attention) and 2) since most of my life I have been an attention whore in one way or another, I really examined this.
Guess what.
I'm not doing it for attention. It's official.
If I just wanted attention, I would have kept my head shaved. My bald head got me lots of attention and it was exhausting. OR My hair could be bright blue if I wanted. I work at a hair place, and we can definitely get away with that. I could refuse to wear shoes just because I don't like them (like Michael Franti, and probably others), but I don't do that either. I don't have tattooes up and down my body, I don't have unusual piercings where people can see them. I haven't waxed my eyebrows off. I have gone streaking. I haven't convinced Cullen to go on a food strike with me to gain attention to something else, then called the media to let them know what we were doing.
I don't wear skimpy clothing that shows WAY too much. When I'm having a conversation with someone, I actually listen and pay attention to what they are saying, because I REALLY CARE. I have had to learn how to disconnect a little bit from others, as a matter of fact, because I can empathize to the point of feeling what they might be feeling. I've had to learn how to let others walk their own path.
I have never once, during someone's wedding or other special day, stolen the spotlight in any way, shape or form. I'm not even the girl who will get super loud in a store to make people look at her. Nope, not me!
No, the way that I get attention is by doing stupid things...like teasing all my hair straight up and running out of a room (at my mom's or aunts house) pretending I got electrocuted. Or hiding outside a bathroom, waiting to scare the hell out of whoever comes out. And let's face, it, if someone is going to have a camera out, I might as well be in the picture (funny enough, when I die, they will find surprisingly few pictures of me around. True Dat!). Around my OWN FAMILY, I don't mind completely dorking out. Even at work a little, which is like being around family. Or friends. haha. I'm a Leo. I think it'd be great fun to be on a stage in front of a whole crowd of people. But I'm not going to get on a stage in front of a whole crowd of people and take a dump, or something else attention-getting.
Nope!
The reason I (WE!!!!) do things like raise money for childrens cancer research, or do drives for the crisi senter or food drives or donate a kidney- the reason we do them is because it is OUR BELIEF that love is worth giving to the world. What we give out comes back. If we operate from the viewpoint that there is only ONE OF US HERE --- and therefore, we would do unto others as we would have done to us.... why WOULDN'T we do this stuff? People do things for other people ALL THE TIME! People donate to charities they love, give money to people in need, there are homeless shelters run by volunteers....and no one says that any of them are trying to get attention.
This surgery is not that big of a deal to me. It's a surgery and I hope someday it will stop being such a big deal to other people. You- YOU READIN THIS- are at a bigger risk of dying on your way home from work today than I am of having anything happen during surgery. Accidents happen ALL THE TIME. I'm not scared of anything. AND, I'm not doing it for attention. However, I WILL keep talking about it, I WILL talk about it afterwards, I WILL engage people in conversation about it, because what if one other person hears it, and feels the same way, and can share their spare?! Wouldn't that be incredible? And someone might see that as being attention seeking, and I supose if I make it about ME instead of about what we as humans can do for one another, it would be.
So, there. YAY. NOT doing it for attention.
THIRTEEN DAYS!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
What matters to ME.
1. That my kids learn to be thankful.
2. That my kids learn that material things are NOT important and they don't need a ton of crap in order to be happy.
3. Putting as much love out in the world as possible.
4. NOT BEING AFRAID TO DO IT, EVEN IF SOME PEOPLE MIGHT SAY I AM DOING IT FOR ATTENTION.
5. Being thankful for everything and everyone in my life.
That all sounds generic?
What DOESN"T matter to me. Maybe this will be better.
I don't care what kind of vehicle I'm driving. Just thankful that cars showed up when ours died.
I don't care where I'm (we are) living. I can make anyplace feel like home.
I don't care if we don't make $100,000/yr. I have more love in my life than I can count. THAT matters.
I don't care if I don't have 30 pairs of shoes to pick from. Have you seen my feet? YAY for the 3 pairs I have that are comfy.
I don't REALLY care if I'm never 140 pounds again.
I don't care what other people are thinking/doing- MOST of the time. Sometimes I let some of it in, most of the time I'm content to stay on my path and be happy.
Know what absolutely matters?
I get to poop. Today. Now.
KICK ASS!
2. That my kids learn that material things are NOT important and they don't need a ton of crap in order to be happy.
3. Putting as much love out in the world as possible.
4. NOT BEING AFRAID TO DO IT, EVEN IF SOME PEOPLE MIGHT SAY I AM DOING IT FOR ATTENTION.
5. Being thankful for everything and everyone in my life.
That all sounds generic?
What DOESN"T matter to me. Maybe this will be better.
I don't care what kind of vehicle I'm driving. Just thankful that cars showed up when ours died.
I don't care where I'm (we are) living. I can make anyplace feel like home.
I don't care if we don't make $100,000/yr. I have more love in my life than I can count. THAT matters.
I don't care if I don't have 30 pairs of shoes to pick from. Have you seen my feet? YAY for the 3 pairs I have that are comfy.
I don't REALLY care if I'm never 140 pounds again.
I don't care what other people are thinking/doing- MOST of the time. Sometimes I let some of it in, most of the time I'm content to stay on my path and be happy.
Know what absolutely matters?
I get to poop. Today. Now.
KICK ASS!
What Really Matters?
What really matters to you? I know this is subjective and can be different for everyone, but I want to know what's important to you.
VP is funny because he runs 3 distribution centers for Shampoo. This company has benefitted from him and the people on his team in more ways than I can count. But he often comes back to what's ACTUALLY important.
How many of us spend most of our days doing something that doesn't really TOUCH us? Some of us DO get to do what really touches us, and that deserves a bigger YAY than I can possibly yell. I think a majority of us are wasting our time, all in the name of a few bucks. Stupid. So, so so so stupid.
I'm not discounting the effects we have on the people we do reach out and touch daily.
What's important?
VP is funny because he runs 3 distribution centers for Shampoo. This company has benefitted from him and the people on his team in more ways than I can count. But he often comes back to what's ACTUALLY important.
How many of us spend most of our days doing something that doesn't really TOUCH us? Some of us DO get to do what really touches us, and that deserves a bigger YAY than I can possibly yell. I think a majority of us are wasting our time, all in the name of a few bucks. Stupid. So, so so so stupid.
I'm not discounting the effects we have on the people we do reach out and touch daily.
What's important?
UhOh- Slow day= chatty Nicki
I LOVE THIS STORY!!!
http://www.oregonlive.com/health/index.ssf/2010/06/previously_anonymous_kidney_do.html
But I am so totally and honestly okay if I never ever meet whoever gets my kidney. I'm totally good with that. TOTALLY. In some ways, it would be easier to never meet them. I will never know if it gives out after only 7 years instead of 10-15 years. I'll never know if their health declines in other ways and they die in Sept. You know? I'll never know if they smoke and drink and eat McDonalds 15 times a day, wrecking their body anyway. I'm sure they don't. Whoever is going to get it is on dialysis, and is therefore completely limited in many ways. But you know what I'm saying. I'm okay if I never get to meet them. BUT, that being said- I LOVE THIS STORY!
http://www.oregonlive.com/health/index.ssf/2010/06/previously_anonymous_kidney_do.html
But I am so totally and honestly okay if I never ever meet whoever gets my kidney. I'm totally good with that. TOTALLY. In some ways, it would be easier to never meet them. I will never know if it gives out after only 7 years instead of 10-15 years. I'll never know if their health declines in other ways and they die in Sept. You know? I'll never know if they smoke and drink and eat McDonalds 15 times a day, wrecking their body anyway. I'm sure they don't. Whoever is going to get it is on dialysis, and is therefore completely limited in many ways. But you know what I'm saying. I'm okay if I never get to meet them. BUT, that being said- I LOVE THIS STORY!
Why It Rocks To Be A Girl
1. Yummy tasting lip goo. For real. I'm about 5 seconds from going ahead and emptying this tube of Liplicious (Come ON!!!!) Saltwater Taffy lip gloss into my mouth. YUM.
2. You have to admit it's fun to play dress up on a girl. Not that it isn't fun to do with a boy, but we have better curves in general.
3. We don't have to throw a softball "well". Afterall, we throw like girls. :P
4. We can multitask better than a man, in general. It's built into our systems.
5. We are the ones who get to grow and give birth to babies. Men may say they are glad that they don't have to do it, but it's the ULTIMATE experience EVER. They have NO IDEA what they are missing out on. SUPERCOOL.
6. Makeup. I don't wear it a lot, or often, but the fact that I CAN helps. AND, praise God, when I get a PMS zit, I can cover that bitch up.
7. I'm sorry, but sex has GOT to feel better for a girl. it just has to. Our awesome bodies are so intricately made, there are so many different ways for us to feel good.
8. Wearing glitter is acceptable. And having glitter follow you around is acceptable. :)
9. Loud laughter is more acceptable coming from a female than a male.
10. we get to smell pretty.
GIRLS ROCK!
2. You have to admit it's fun to play dress up on a girl. Not that it isn't fun to do with a boy, but we have better curves in general.
3. We don't have to throw a softball "well". Afterall, we throw like girls. :P
4. We can multitask better than a man, in general. It's built into our systems.
5. We are the ones who get to grow and give birth to babies. Men may say they are glad that they don't have to do it, but it's the ULTIMATE experience EVER. They have NO IDEA what they are missing out on. SUPERCOOL.
6. Makeup. I don't wear it a lot, or often, but the fact that I CAN helps. AND, praise God, when I get a PMS zit, I can cover that bitch up.
7. I'm sorry, but sex has GOT to feel better for a girl. it just has to. Our awesome bodies are so intricately made, there are so many different ways for us to feel good.
8. Wearing glitter is acceptable. And having glitter follow you around is acceptable. :)
9. Loud laughter is more acceptable coming from a female than a male.
10. we get to smell pretty.
GIRLS ROCK!
Who's a rockstar? (It's ME!)
Last night Cullen, the kids and I walked/ran over to my sisters house, which is 3 miles away. I was a whiny bitch for the first part of it. I really was. He was getting irritated, but he kept talking through it ("You're doing awesome, I don't know why you aren't feeling good about this right now, but you're doing great! There's no time limit, this isn't a race. It doesn't matter how you get there, 3 miles one way is 3 miles one way.)
So we also walked home again.
Whiny bitch part- running outside hurts my knees. Seriously. They swell up. I can run 10 miles on the treadmill (in theory, I've never done more than 4, hehe!), and be fine. One mile of running outside and my bones are rubbing together and it's disgusting (glucosemin, yes, I know). And I did run on the way to Chelle's. My knees were yelling. I had 2 enormous blisters on my heels which I was waiting for to pop so they wouldn't hurt so bad. I was trying hard not to whine, but Cullen walks at about the same speed that I run at. :) He's kind of amazing that way. He slowed down for me a little and we were about 3.5 blocks away from home when he stops in the middle of the road, and takes off his shoes. "You might as well take em off, mine are off!" He wanted my owies on my heels to stop getting rubbed. It was so cute. My sweet hubby, walking in his socks. :) So I took mine off.
We got home, he put the kids to bed, I showered, and he rubbed my feet.
He's soooooo good to me!
Tonight we're hittin a trail near CJ's game beforehand. BRING IT. Who needs a surgery date anyway? (I DO! I DO! I'M WAITING FOR THE AX ON THIS! I'M WAITING FOR "OH WAIT....YOU CAN'T DONATE! I NEED A DATE! I NEED A DATE! I NEED A DATE!!!"
Dear World,
I am more than ready for a surgery date. Please gimme. Thanks!
Love,
Me
So we also walked home again.
Whiny bitch part- running outside hurts my knees. Seriously. They swell up. I can run 10 miles on the treadmill (in theory, I've never done more than 4, hehe!), and be fine. One mile of running outside and my bones are rubbing together and it's disgusting (glucosemin, yes, I know). And I did run on the way to Chelle's. My knees were yelling. I had 2 enormous blisters on my heels which I was waiting for to pop so they wouldn't hurt so bad. I was trying hard not to whine, but Cullen walks at about the same speed that I run at. :) He's kind of amazing that way. He slowed down for me a little and we were about 3.5 blocks away from home when he stops in the middle of the road, and takes off his shoes. "You might as well take em off, mine are off!" He wanted my owies on my heels to stop getting rubbed. It was so cute. My sweet hubby, walking in his socks. :) So I took mine off.
We got home, he put the kids to bed, I showered, and he rubbed my feet.
He's soooooo good to me!
Tonight we're hittin a trail near CJ's game beforehand. BRING IT. Who needs a surgery date anyway? (I DO! I DO! I'M WAITING FOR THE AX ON THIS! I'M WAITING FOR "OH WAIT....YOU CAN'T DONATE! I NEED A DATE! I NEED A DATE! I NEED A DATE!!!"
Dear World,
I am more than ready for a surgery date. Please gimme. Thanks!
Love,
Me
Monday, June 28, 2010
Shovelling while it's still snowing...
As an experiment today, I thought "Let's find out if it's possible to not clean 3 times a day. All 4 kids are home. I'll save it for one good cleaning at the end of the day before Cullen comes home (the kids help)."
Um...NO.
The house is TRASHED. It's not even noon yet. There isn't a room that isn't a total fricken disaster. This is ridiculous. After lunch, they are cleaning. We'll see if we can make it til 4 oclock before having to clean again. It's just nuts.
But now I know.
:D
Um...NO.
The house is TRASHED. It's not even noon yet. There isn't a room that isn't a total fricken disaster. This is ridiculous. After lunch, they are cleaning. We'll see if we can make it til 4 oclock before having to clean again. It's just nuts.
But now I know.
:D
1,001 wipes
I started off with barely anything to tell you, in within a 5 minute period I found SO much to tell you that I don't know where to start.
What do you want first? How it just took 1,001 wipes to clean my butt? WTF. I mean, COME ON. This led to the thought that I have noticed that the WORSE I eat, the MORE I need to wipe, and the WORSE in general the experience is - probably not anything you wanted to know, but it's fascinating to me because I'm gallbladderless so I have a mild fascination with how bile works and what happens when healthy food vs shit food is eaten.
THAT led to me needing to tell you to GIVE IT UP for Culvers Chipotle Cheese Curds. HOLY CRAP those things are FANTASTIC. I haven't had anything that good in a long time. They are SPICY and YUMMY and CHEESY and DEEP FRIED nuggets of heaven. Loved every second of them. Hated every second after I ate them. But well worth the self hatred, I must say. Go get yourself some. NOT if you are a spicy wuss though, they do have bite. A bite so fantastic it rivals Edward Cullen's. YUM. Edward, too. NOT THE MOVIES. I don't like RP. If you could see Edward in my head....
THEN from there I considered what I ate at Kimmy's babyshower yesterday, which was 2 brownies and the best cashew chicken salad EVER! FOOD WHORE! I totally scored marrying into this family. I love Cullen's aunts and cousins so much. I had 2 of my favorite cousins sitting on either side of me while the girls were opening gifts, C and I were writing down what each gift was for each girl. B was on the other side- and B is a STITCH. I could just sit and listen to her all day and laugh my head off. She's superbly funny without even meaning to be. Anyway, she was running commentary while I was taking pics of Em, and writing down Kim's gifts (?!). Kim opens a gift and I hear this low growl in my right ear: "SON of a BITCH! I got her the same outfit!" It's probably not nearly as funny to read it, but I almost fell out of my chair giggling at B's quiet outburst.
I got to see Aunt Helen, the wife of Johnny, the inspiration for the kidney donation. I thought I'd feel embarrassed talking about the upcoming surgery, because since these are the sisters of the man who passed away from kidney disease, they kind of think it's amazing that I'm going to do this, but it was okay. I kept reminding them that it's more likely that I'm crazy than amazing. I think it helped that Helen was there. I don't know why I feel like that helped, except that Johnny's loss, of course, affected her day to day life the most, and she's already seen another loss of a friend due to kidney disease, and I don't know. I like not feeling like I'm sitting on the bench just watching stuff happen.
Which then led to (it's amazing how fast our thoughts actually go, all this took place while I was sitting on the potty!) last night when Rick and Tina were over- and I told them when the big Hayes get together is, and Tina acknowledged that they are on vacation that week, then said that they'd "be gone". Rick disagreed. Tina tried again. Finally Rick said "anything not to go, huh." and she said "I'm intimidated." Now, that is a feeling I can understand because it's a HUGE family. I know them better because I'm more social and Cathy and I have taken over getting the Hayeses together since the siblings are getting older now, and Johnny has passed away (it was so important to him that we don't stop the get togethers...with such a big family it would be VERY easy to lose track of everyone and let it go). I told her I'll babysit her there. I wonder if they'll show up. She's struggling- UNDERSTANDABLY- with her dad's death. You should see the garage FULL of her parents stuff that she's going through. GOD that would be so hard, and it is, even for someone as "tough" as she is. I wish I could do anything to help her. My "help" didn't help much but we did get to see them all weekend, and maybe the company helps? I don't know- they've been so busy since he passed away TWO MONTHS AGO (already!!!)- re-doing the kids' rooms, cleaning out the garage and all the stuff.....I'm taking notes. What does it feel like when your mom, dad and sister have all passed away? I want to hug her talking about it.
It's the most all time delicious morning outside! I have all the windows open, letting the yummy breeze in. HAPPY MONDAY! I wish I could hug it!
You would think, since the surgery dates are the 8th, 13th or 14th, that one of these days I HAVE to get a phone call, wouldn't you? Eventually they will HAVE to tell me when I'm going ot have surgery, right? My very little bit of Leo patience is GONE. Seriously. I'm one day away from the patience tank being on empty, completely empty, to the point of me calling them myself to get some freakin details. I NEED TO PLAN, DARNIT! We're almost within 2 weeks of ANY date they've given me. HELLO!! Have a family I need to PLAN FOR!
Rant off. Pancakes and sausage ON! Come and get it!
What do you want first? How it just took 1,001 wipes to clean my butt? WTF. I mean, COME ON. This led to the thought that I have noticed that the WORSE I eat, the MORE I need to wipe, and the WORSE in general the experience is - probably not anything you wanted to know, but it's fascinating to me because I'm gallbladderless so I have a mild fascination with how bile works and what happens when healthy food vs shit food is eaten.
THAT led to me needing to tell you to GIVE IT UP for Culvers Chipotle Cheese Curds. HOLY CRAP those things are FANTASTIC. I haven't had anything that good in a long time. They are SPICY and YUMMY and CHEESY and DEEP FRIED nuggets of heaven. Loved every second of them. Hated every second after I ate them. But well worth the self hatred, I must say. Go get yourself some. NOT if you are a spicy wuss though, they do have bite. A bite so fantastic it rivals Edward Cullen's. YUM. Edward, too. NOT THE MOVIES. I don't like RP. If you could see Edward in my head....
THEN from there I considered what I ate at Kimmy's babyshower yesterday, which was 2 brownies and the best cashew chicken salad EVER! FOOD WHORE! I totally scored marrying into this family. I love Cullen's aunts and cousins so much. I had 2 of my favorite cousins sitting on either side of me while the girls were opening gifts, C and I were writing down what each gift was for each girl. B was on the other side- and B is a STITCH. I could just sit and listen to her all day and laugh my head off. She's superbly funny without even meaning to be. Anyway, she was running commentary while I was taking pics of Em, and writing down Kim's gifts (?!). Kim opens a gift and I hear this low growl in my right ear: "SON of a BITCH! I got her the same outfit!" It's probably not nearly as funny to read it, but I almost fell out of my chair giggling at B's quiet outburst.
I got to see Aunt Helen, the wife of Johnny, the inspiration for the kidney donation. I thought I'd feel embarrassed talking about the upcoming surgery, because since these are the sisters of the man who passed away from kidney disease, they kind of think it's amazing that I'm going to do this, but it was okay. I kept reminding them that it's more likely that I'm crazy than amazing. I think it helped that Helen was there. I don't know why I feel like that helped, except that Johnny's loss, of course, affected her day to day life the most, and she's already seen another loss of a friend due to kidney disease, and I don't know. I like not feeling like I'm sitting on the bench just watching stuff happen.
Which then led to (it's amazing how fast our thoughts actually go, all this took place while I was sitting on the potty!) last night when Rick and Tina were over- and I told them when the big Hayes get together is, and Tina acknowledged that they are on vacation that week, then said that they'd "be gone". Rick disagreed. Tina tried again. Finally Rick said "anything not to go, huh." and she said "I'm intimidated." Now, that is a feeling I can understand because it's a HUGE family. I know them better because I'm more social and Cathy and I have taken over getting the Hayeses together since the siblings are getting older now, and Johnny has passed away (it was so important to him that we don't stop the get togethers...with such a big family it would be VERY easy to lose track of everyone and let it go). I told her I'll babysit her there. I wonder if they'll show up. She's struggling- UNDERSTANDABLY- with her dad's death. You should see the garage FULL of her parents stuff that she's going through. GOD that would be so hard, and it is, even for someone as "tough" as she is. I wish I could do anything to help her. My "help" didn't help much but we did get to see them all weekend, and maybe the company helps? I don't know- they've been so busy since he passed away TWO MONTHS AGO (already!!!)- re-doing the kids' rooms, cleaning out the garage and all the stuff.....I'm taking notes. What does it feel like when your mom, dad and sister have all passed away? I want to hug her talking about it.
It's the most all time delicious morning outside! I have all the windows open, letting the yummy breeze in. HAPPY MONDAY! I wish I could hug it!
You would think, since the surgery dates are the 8th, 13th or 14th, that one of these days I HAVE to get a phone call, wouldn't you? Eventually they will HAVE to tell me when I'm going ot have surgery, right? My very little bit of Leo patience is GONE. Seriously. I'm one day away from the patience tank being on empty, completely empty, to the point of me calling them myself to get some freakin details. I NEED TO PLAN, DARNIT! We're almost within 2 weeks of ANY date they've given me. HELLO!! Have a family I need to PLAN FOR!
Rant off. Pancakes and sausage ON! Come and get it!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Ahhhhh....!
One of the end of day tasks that A usually does that I'm doing today she calls FINAL RELEASE.
Does that not sound like someone dies a very, very happy death?
Does that not sound like someone dies a very, very happy death?
All better!
MAGIC!
Magic, beautiful, wonderful magic.
Surrounded by it!
What money problems? *see money falling from the ceiling, in piles around me*
tee hee!
Perception becomes reality. Just ask my VP. He just FINALLY brought me my present from London. ; ) (that was at least a month ago). He brought me beforehand, a National Geographic mag, featuring scarabs- these pretty and very poisionous beetles. VP told me then that he got me one and wanted me to read up on them first. HAHA!
Today, the presentation. I am now the VERY PROUD owner of my very own English scarab. He's in a little wooden box, and his dangly legs wiggle if you shake the box just a little bit. His name is Harold the Scarab. : )
ALL BETTER. Everything, everywhere. YAY.
Magic, beautiful, wonderful magic.
Surrounded by it!
What money problems? *see money falling from the ceiling, in piles around me*
tee hee!
Perception becomes reality. Just ask my VP. He just FINALLY brought me my present from London. ; ) (that was at least a month ago). He brought me beforehand, a National Geographic mag, featuring scarabs- these pretty and very poisionous beetles. VP told me then that he got me one and wanted me to read up on them first. HAHA!
Today, the presentation. I am now the VERY PROUD owner of my very own English scarab. He's in a little wooden box, and his dangly legs wiggle if you shake the box just a little bit. His name is Harold the Scarab. : )
ALL BETTER. Everything, everywhere. YAY.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Here is what a stressed out Nicki looks like
Or at least sounds like.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
First, I am going to pat myself on the back. We had both vehicles DIE Memorial Day (how effing convenient!)- and had two other vehicles appear, and there are 2 more backups for those backups waiting. That's pretty lucky.
We incurred some (!!!) expenses in the way of towing, diagnosing, renting trailers to haul the van back home, etc. Unplanned expenses- this is why some people have savings and are happy they have savings when they need it. We don't have savings. Never have. Stupid? Maybe.
THEN---- THEN, the State of MN yanked $300 out of Cullen's last check, for back taxes that were due. This could have been prevented- I could have stopped it, but my limit is reached and I didn't call. Cullen didn't want to call. When he told me the news, instead of flipping out over the lack of that money also, I just said "Well, at least that's a done deal now." Good attitude!
Today, however, is when all the shit hit the fan.
Now- I'm still partially patting myself on the back because my head is still mostly right about money- it's not real, the world does NOT revolve around it, when I die, nothing of material value counts, matters or is important. That's why it's possible for me to give up a kidney. It's just a "thing". I don't care about matieral things, they don't matter. I know that we will always be provided for, we always have been and always will be. I know I could dream BIGGER and have MORE and MORE "things" but I haven't felt that need.
But I might start visualizing falling into a pile of money.
We can bounce checks with the best of them, folks! Back into the all familiar hole we go. In ONE account. I should laugh and be happy that the other account is just fine. I'm working on it. I did have a near melt down, where I called Cullen at work (SO UNFAIR! I'm sorry baby!) and confessed to complete and total stress. He does a great job of smoothing my feathers, reminding me that I don't have to shoulder the entire world all by myself anymore. I warned him, and I'll show him all my cards that I've been protecting him from (or making it so he doesn't have to deal so he can just eat sleep and work), but that he might not like it.
Hm...I feel another post coming on about protecting him from things.
So, back to ole reliable. Ready?
For today, we have a roof over our heads.
For today, we have 2 cars that work.
For today, we have all the food we need to eat, plus some.
For today, we all have more clothes than we need.
For today, we are surrounded by people who love us.
For today, all the essentials needed to live are here and we have them and it's fine.
So, YAY.
Barf. Stupid money.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
First, I am going to pat myself on the back. We had both vehicles DIE Memorial Day (how effing convenient!)- and had two other vehicles appear, and there are 2 more backups for those backups waiting. That's pretty lucky.
We incurred some (!!!) expenses in the way of towing, diagnosing, renting trailers to haul the van back home, etc. Unplanned expenses- this is why some people have savings and are happy they have savings when they need it. We don't have savings. Never have. Stupid? Maybe.
THEN---- THEN, the State of MN yanked $300 out of Cullen's last check, for back taxes that were due. This could have been prevented- I could have stopped it, but my limit is reached and I didn't call. Cullen didn't want to call. When he told me the news, instead of flipping out over the lack of that money also, I just said "Well, at least that's a done deal now." Good attitude!
Today, however, is when all the shit hit the fan.
Now- I'm still partially patting myself on the back because my head is still mostly right about money- it's not real, the world does NOT revolve around it, when I die, nothing of material value counts, matters or is important. That's why it's possible for me to give up a kidney. It's just a "thing". I don't care about matieral things, they don't matter. I know that we will always be provided for, we always have been and always will be. I know I could dream BIGGER and have MORE and MORE "things" but I haven't felt that need.
But I might start visualizing falling into a pile of money.
We can bounce checks with the best of them, folks! Back into the all familiar hole we go. In ONE account. I should laugh and be happy that the other account is just fine. I'm working on it. I did have a near melt down, where I called Cullen at work (SO UNFAIR! I'm sorry baby!) and confessed to complete and total stress. He does a great job of smoothing my feathers, reminding me that I don't have to shoulder the entire world all by myself anymore. I warned him, and I'll show him all my cards that I've been protecting him from (or making it so he doesn't have to deal so he can just eat sleep and work), but that he might not like it.
Hm...I feel another post coming on about protecting him from things.
So, back to ole reliable. Ready?
For today, we have a roof over our heads.
For today, we have 2 cars that work.
For today, we have all the food we need to eat, plus some.
For today, we all have more clothes than we need.
For today, we are surrounded by people who love us.
For today, all the essentials needed to live are here and we have them and it's fine.
So, YAY.
Barf. Stupid money.
YAY! I made my tshirt.
<---Back of shirt
<---- Front of shirt1. Being left out SUCKS. It's mean, cruel and there's no reason for it.
2. I'm busy that day anyway.
3. I'm not the only one not invited.
4. He wouldn't have even said "nicki can't hear this part" if he didn't know that he cracks me up and that he's my favorite person to listen to- he couldn't see me from where he was sitting, but he had me laughing for the whole meeting. SO FUNNY. I wish you could hear him. He should do stand up, or anything where he's in front of people. Love him!
I really DO love today. I made my tshirt. Wanna see it? Angie laughed like it's "typical Nicki" shirt....and I guess it might be. I shouldn't care, right? But I do wonder if I *should* make it/wear it. There, I posted it.
It's a little bit "LOOK WHAT I DID!" but when I thought about it, who gives a shit?! It will make people think about organ donation, and I AM doing something that only 55 other people have done (in the state of MN) in the past 10 years (donating anonymously). People die every day, waiting, and I'm not sitting by watching it happen because I'm slightly insane, so I think I can wear a tshirt that tells the world about it, right?
OHHH! I'm hungry AND it's time for me to leave! SMOOCH! HAPPIEST DAY TO YOU!!!!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Butterfly
Okay, party people...I'm doing it. I've read it over and over lately, and I'm ready to go for it. What I've been reading is about letting go of our "story". Our "story", of course, is made up of all the things we remember happening, the way we remember them happening, the things that were done "to" us, the things said "to" us...all put together. Where we've been. In a nutshell, here is my "story":
Shy kid growing up.
Broke out of that in the worst way I could: by getting lots of attention with an eating disorder and having sex with boys who just wanted sex.
THEN I landed me the PERFECT boyfriend- he was completely abused and abusive. More horrors occurred in those 2 years than I can to divulge here.
Chris Ackerly called me fucking ugly, right to my face. I went to the bathroom to have a look and thought I was having a good Nicki day. Isn't that stupid that I STILL call on that?
Met Cullen, healed eating disorder, and 15 years later here we are.
There. That's my story.
I've let go of much of it. The sex stuff, whatever. Unfortunate, but that's a done deal. Meanie boyfriend, I've let go of. I can more clearly see and understand how that happened now and I have let that go- mostly (sometimes a little something will sneak up and get me, like when Cullen is a little too possessive or what have you, but I don't ever get so mad at Nasty Boyfriend that I cry angry tears like I used to do).
it's the eating disorder.
It's time for me to let that go. That has nothing to do with who I am now. It has nothing to do with my health, my safetly, my wellness. Nothing at all.
I am having major surgery soon. I am working out beforehand. And I will continue to be well afterward. My working out will never lead to another eating disorder. I can run when I want to, walk when I want to, skip days if I want to. I can eat spinach salads, I can eat pizza. I'm free! I'm completely, totally, all the way free.
Now, speaking of eating disorders, I'm going to tell you about Gary Spivey. Have I ever posted this? If I did it was years ago. Just when you think you've heard all the crazy that's possible....
if you don't know who Gary Spivey is, he is a psychic/medium/everything. He's on KDWB every Thursday, and although I don't believe EVERYTHING the same way he does, I'm with him on about 87% of his beliefs, and it's so fun listening to him. He makes the hair on my body stand on end, just hearing his voice.
So, Michelle (sister) bought tickets, and she bought one more me- which was so sweet because I wouldn't have been able to afford to go at that time. He was in town. She was wanting to go in hopes that she'd get some answers for her own "story" that she is writing.
At one point, eating disorders came up. Gary says "there are 3 people in this room with eating disorders...where are you?" (I know, anyone could say that anywhere and people would answer, I know.) I thought "screw it." I raised my hand. Gary and his side kick, who was very young, by the way- like 16? came over. He said "You have an eating disorder." I said "I DID." He says again... "You HAVE an eating disorder." I say again, "I DI---" and then, almost as if he were SHOWING it to me, the image flashed in my head...a scene from just a month prior to this, where there were THREE days that I was throwing up again. It was like the stupid monster had taken over completely again, and I couldn't stop it. THREE DAYS of it. I didn't count that as still being eating disordered because I knocked it off somehow after that...maybe my HEAD wasn't well, but I wasn't puking up my food. I gasped, remembering. With wide eyes I just nodded at him. Then he talks to his sidekick to ask him what he "sees" when he looks at me. "Monster...lots of eyes" Gary goes on to "explain" that this is what an eating disorder demon looks like, and how it's in my head and my stomach, and then asks if he can remove it. I'm no idiot. "Yes, please!"
And he started doing his "thing"...he waves his hands around, grabbing "stuff"...his eyes unfocused...only here's the thing:
I PHYSICALLY FELT WHAT HE WAS DOING.
Yes, I just said that. Admitted it out loud. I GASPED, audibly, as I felt stuff being pulled out of me. I PHYSICALLY FELT IT. I felt immensely lighter than, and ...I felt FREE. I know I announced "I FELT THAT!" ...it was amazing.
And I have to say that since then, it's been "different". I've struggle when I'm working out, with the tendency to go overboard or start feeling like it's never enough, but I have not once wanted to just go throw up my food- which I used for years and years to deal with stress, worry, self hatred, to teach myself a lesson, because I didn't deserve food for the things I'd done. That is GONE. That monster is gone! I'd always called it a monster, because it really did feel like something was chasing me, getting me, doing horrible things to my head. Cullen would hold me for hours while I hysterically cried after eating, being gobbled up by the monster. Maybe it really was a monster afterall. I don't know.
But my sister said "I think we were there for *you* the whole time!" which is so very sweet but made me sad because I know how much she wanted some clarity on her questions.
There. Just when you thought I couldn't get anymore looney, I am now certifiable. :D
Shy kid growing up.
Broke out of that in the worst way I could: by getting lots of attention with an eating disorder and having sex with boys who just wanted sex.
THEN I landed me the PERFECT boyfriend- he was completely abused and abusive. More horrors occurred in those 2 years than I can to divulge here.
Chris Ackerly called me fucking ugly, right to my face. I went to the bathroom to have a look and thought I was having a good Nicki day. Isn't that stupid that I STILL call on that?
Met Cullen, healed eating disorder, and 15 years later here we are.
There. That's my story.
I've let go of much of it. The sex stuff, whatever. Unfortunate, but that's a done deal. Meanie boyfriend, I've let go of. I can more clearly see and understand how that happened now and I have let that go- mostly (sometimes a little something will sneak up and get me, like when Cullen is a little too possessive or what have you, but I don't ever get so mad at Nasty Boyfriend that I cry angry tears like I used to do).
it's the eating disorder.
It's time for me to let that go. That has nothing to do with who I am now. It has nothing to do with my health, my safetly, my wellness. Nothing at all.
I am having major surgery soon. I am working out beforehand. And I will continue to be well afterward. My working out will never lead to another eating disorder. I can run when I want to, walk when I want to, skip days if I want to. I can eat spinach salads, I can eat pizza. I'm free! I'm completely, totally, all the way free.
Now, speaking of eating disorders, I'm going to tell you about Gary Spivey. Have I ever posted this? If I did it was years ago. Just when you think you've heard all the crazy that's possible....
if you don't know who Gary Spivey is, he is a psychic/medium/everything. He's on KDWB every Thursday, and although I don't believe EVERYTHING the same way he does, I'm with him on about 87% of his beliefs, and it's so fun listening to him. He makes the hair on my body stand on end, just hearing his voice.
So, Michelle (sister) bought tickets, and she bought one more me- which was so sweet because I wouldn't have been able to afford to go at that time. He was in town. She was wanting to go in hopes that she'd get some answers for her own "story" that she is writing.
At one point, eating disorders came up. Gary says "there are 3 people in this room with eating disorders...where are you?" (I know, anyone could say that anywhere and people would answer, I know.) I thought "screw it." I raised my hand. Gary and his side kick, who was very young, by the way- like 16? came over. He said "You have an eating disorder." I said "I DID." He says again... "You HAVE an eating disorder." I say again, "I DI---" and then, almost as if he were SHOWING it to me, the image flashed in my head...a scene from just a month prior to this, where there were THREE days that I was throwing up again. It was like the stupid monster had taken over completely again, and I couldn't stop it. THREE DAYS of it. I didn't count that as still being eating disordered because I knocked it off somehow after that...maybe my HEAD wasn't well, but I wasn't puking up my food. I gasped, remembering. With wide eyes I just nodded at him. Then he talks to his sidekick to ask him what he "sees" when he looks at me. "Monster...lots of eyes" Gary goes on to "explain" that this is what an eating disorder demon looks like, and how it's in my head and my stomach, and then asks if he can remove it. I'm no idiot. "Yes, please!"
And he started doing his "thing"...he waves his hands around, grabbing "stuff"...his eyes unfocused...only here's the thing:
I PHYSICALLY FELT WHAT HE WAS DOING.
Yes, I just said that. Admitted it out loud. I GASPED, audibly, as I felt stuff being pulled out of me. I PHYSICALLY FELT IT. I felt immensely lighter than, and ...I felt FREE. I know I announced "I FELT THAT!" ...it was amazing.
And I have to say that since then, it's been "different". I've struggle when I'm working out, with the tendency to go overboard or start feeling like it's never enough, but I have not once wanted to just go throw up my food- which I used for years and years to deal with stress, worry, self hatred, to teach myself a lesson, because I didn't deserve food for the things I'd done. That is GONE. That monster is gone! I'd always called it a monster, because it really did feel like something was chasing me, getting me, doing horrible things to my head. Cullen would hold me for hours while I hysterically cried after eating, being gobbled up by the monster. Maybe it really was a monster afterall. I don't know.
But my sister said "I think we were there for *you* the whole time!" which is so very sweet but made me sad because I know how much she wanted some clarity on her questions.
There. Just when you thought I couldn't get anymore looney, I am now certifiable. :D
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Still have my cape on!
I just noticed that I still have my cape on.
The cape that let's the entire world know, apparently, that I Still Do It All.
The cape that seems to invite more and more things for *ME* to do, get done.
I get the same 24 hours that everyone else gets.
I used to be at home, which made it somewhat easier to accomplish all tasks in one day. Like laundry and dishes and cooking. It made it harder to work, and pay REAL attention to the kids for more than 10 minutes a shot, but hey...give and take. I ran the household and held my full time job here and of raising kids.
Now I get to try to keep up with all that AND be away from home 4 days a week. GREAT!
Even though I'm also at work now, I am the one who gets to make calls and rearrange our schedule as needed. I get to make the plans, and try to fit everything in. Such as when I just called Cullen to let him know more plans made it on the calendar and he says "Well, it'd be great to have some time with just you, hanging out." Awesome. I'll schedule that in, also. Not that I don't need it (downtime with him), but in a 2 hour time period, I made plans, arranged for the plans to happen, and then broke them because there are too many other "necessary" things showing up that I didn't know about until just now. And honestly, don't you hate the weekends that are over before you even got to relax because they are so busy? How the hell do people DO THIS and LIKE IT?
I didn't expect, I guess, anything different. It's just been 7 years since I've been in the office and required to run the household from here, as well as once I get home. And I've never done it with 4 kids before. I want to be with my family! And if ONE more person says that it was MY choice to have 4 kids (which it was) and that I should have PLANNED on being in the office and letting someone else raise my kids for me, and paying them a pretty penny to do it- I will beat your ass, so don't do it. I don't plan on this situation staying this way for long. I just had to whine about it right NOW.
If anyone needs anything, just let me know. I am the GET IT DONE dumpster.
It seems.
*flys away*
The cape that let's the entire world know, apparently, that I Still Do It All.
The cape that seems to invite more and more things for *ME* to do, get done.
I get the same 24 hours that everyone else gets.
I used to be at home, which made it somewhat easier to accomplish all tasks in one day. Like laundry and dishes and cooking. It made it harder to work, and pay REAL attention to the kids for more than 10 minutes a shot, but hey...give and take. I ran the household and held my full time job here and of raising kids.
Now I get to try to keep up with all that AND be away from home 4 days a week. GREAT!
Even though I'm also at work now, I am the one who gets to make calls and rearrange our schedule as needed. I get to make the plans, and try to fit everything in. Such as when I just called Cullen to let him know more plans made it on the calendar and he says "Well, it'd be great to have some time with just you, hanging out." Awesome. I'll schedule that in, also. Not that I don't need it (downtime with him), but in a 2 hour time period, I made plans, arranged for the plans to happen, and then broke them because there are too many other "necessary" things showing up that I didn't know about until just now. And honestly, don't you hate the weekends that are over before you even got to relax because they are so busy? How the hell do people DO THIS and LIKE IT?
I didn't expect, I guess, anything different. It's just been 7 years since I've been in the office and required to run the household from here, as well as once I get home. And I've never done it with 4 kids before. I want to be with my family! And if ONE more person says that it was MY choice to have 4 kids (which it was) and that I should have PLANNED on being in the office and letting someone else raise my kids for me, and paying them a pretty penny to do it- I will beat your ass, so don't do it. I don't plan on this situation staying this way for long. I just had to whine about it right NOW.
If anyone needs anything, just let me know. I am the GET IT DONE dumpster.
It seems.
*flys away*
Monday, June 21, 2010
U of M just called
Am I always going to bounce so high when I get a call about this? Man, is anyone else worried about how I'll be AFTER the surgery, when all this anticipation goes away? I'll be fine- and I know why now, too. Tell you later!
Margaret called just to check in, tell me not to take any aspirin, let me know that they had a cancellation on July 8th, so surgery might be on that day, ask me if I have any preference ...the 8th, 13th or 14th (NO!)...let me know that she received an email from the media regarding this, letting me know that since I have to remain anonymously, there is a chance that they won't let them talk to me (or maybe they will, disguised)- but that our story, some of the other people involved who know their recipients may participate in it...
IT'S COMING! IT'S COMING! IT'S COMING!
I did a whole whoppin 1.5 on the treadmill. I'll do more later!
I'M DOING THIS!
Have I mentioned the magic that seems to happen when we're doing something outside of ourselves? "MY" problems don't seem to matter, and they don't seem nearly as drowning as when I'm staring them in the face and I think the world is all about me. Isn't that magic?
I AM SO EXCITED! I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW EXCITED I AM!!!!
I still want a tshirt made. My aunt was going ot make one but she's not feeling well and I don't want to add to her burdens. I let what Cullen ask me make me feel bad about it, and I'm not sure that I can deal with wearing the tshirt now....all I wanted was a tshirt that says KIDNEY DONOR on the front, and on the back say something like BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD or whatever. Cullen asked if it was for attention. Which it's not. It's because someone might see that sometime and think about it for a second and realize they can do it too. But I don't know if I'd feel good wearing it now.
I know too, that there are a million trillion causes out there that we can pick from. What we want to support, what we want to pay attention to. It is not that I think that everyone has to pay attention to kidney disease- but the people who know someone on dialysis ...well, they see how horrible it is and how it affects entire families, and that not even dialysis can save someone in the end. But a kidney can! If you don't know anyone who is on dialysis or has kidney disease, thank the heavens.
ISNT THIS GOING TO BE THE FUNNEST EVER? I!!! CAN'T!!!!! WAIT!!!!!
Margaret called just to check in, tell me not to take any aspirin, let me know that they had a cancellation on July 8th, so surgery might be on that day, ask me if I have any preference ...the 8th, 13th or 14th (NO!)...let me know that she received an email from the media regarding this, letting me know that since I have to remain anonymously, there is a chance that they won't let them talk to me (or maybe they will, disguised)- but that our story, some of the other people involved who know their recipients may participate in it...
IT'S COMING! IT'S COMING! IT'S COMING!
I did a whole whoppin 1.5 on the treadmill. I'll do more later!
I'M DOING THIS!
Have I mentioned the magic that seems to happen when we're doing something outside of ourselves? "MY" problems don't seem to matter, and they don't seem nearly as drowning as when I'm staring them in the face and I think the world is all about me. Isn't that magic?
I AM SO EXCITED! I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW EXCITED I AM!!!!
I still want a tshirt made. My aunt was going ot make one but she's not feeling well and I don't want to add to her burdens. I let what Cullen ask me make me feel bad about it, and I'm not sure that I can deal with wearing the tshirt now....all I wanted was a tshirt that says KIDNEY DONOR on the front, and on the back say something like BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD or whatever. Cullen asked if it was for attention. Which it's not. It's because someone might see that sometime and think about it for a second and realize they can do it too. But I don't know if I'd feel good wearing it now.
I know too, that there are a million trillion causes out there that we can pick from. What we want to support, what we want to pay attention to. It is not that I think that everyone has to pay attention to kidney disease- but the people who know someone on dialysis ...well, they see how horrible it is and how it affects entire families, and that not even dialysis can save someone in the end. But a kidney can! If you don't know anyone who is on dialysis or has kidney disease, thank the heavens.
ISNT THIS GOING TO BE THE FUNNEST EVER? I!!! CAN'T!!!!! WAIT!!!!!
What other ways can we save our money?
We are so not savings people. We have none. It doesn't even bother me. Maybe it should? I don't know. My ideas about money are about as out there as my thoughts on anything else, so no savings here!
But there are ways to save what you have. Spend less.
Here's what we do now. What else can we do? I'd love more ideas.
-I don't grocery shop until the cupboards and fridge are BARE. I hate throwing out food that got old sitting around waiting to be used, so I stopped doing that, and decided to use everything we have. I don't grocery shop nearly as often, and found that I can go for a full extra week using what's already sitting here.
- I use Aldi or Walmart for as much of our stuff as possible. Feed 6 people constantly- that shit's expensive and shopping at Cub is completely uncalled for when the same stuff or close to is SOOO much less expensive. I can pay $2.50 for milk at Cub (Cub brand) or I can go to Walmart and pay $2.00. It adds up! There's a $1 difference in egg prices too. But coupons are sometimes worth it and I'm not good at couponing yet.
-VEGGIES! They are actually fairly inexpensive, and good for us. We're loading up on those!
- buh bye cable. It hurts, but just like A promised, it hurts less and less all the time. Cullen and I played Canasta together last night. We do that usually anyway, but we do more stuff together without the garbage TV on.
-we try with electricity to keep lights off etc. We do pretty good here, I feel. Our bill is fairly low.
- I rarely shop for me.
What I can do BETTER:
USE COUPONS.
RECYCLE better- sell books/trade books/clothes etc online for the kids, for me, whatever.
Sell some of the stuff that is just sitting around, not getting used. Keep only what's really important.
Any other ideas?
But there are ways to save what you have. Spend less.
Here's what we do now. What else can we do? I'd love more ideas.
-I don't grocery shop until the cupboards and fridge are BARE. I hate throwing out food that got old sitting around waiting to be used, so I stopped doing that, and decided to use everything we have. I don't grocery shop nearly as often, and found that I can go for a full extra week using what's already sitting here.
- I use Aldi or Walmart for as much of our stuff as possible. Feed 6 people constantly- that shit's expensive and shopping at Cub is completely uncalled for when the same stuff or close to is SOOO much less expensive. I can pay $2.50 for milk at Cub (Cub brand) or I can go to Walmart and pay $2.00. It adds up! There's a $1 difference in egg prices too. But coupons are sometimes worth it and I'm not good at couponing yet.
-VEGGIES! They are actually fairly inexpensive, and good for us. We're loading up on those!
- buh bye cable. It hurts, but just like A promised, it hurts less and less all the time. Cullen and I played Canasta together last night. We do that usually anyway, but we do more stuff together without the garbage TV on.
-we try with electricity to keep lights off etc. We do pretty good here, I feel. Our bill is fairly low.
- I rarely shop for me.
What I can do BETTER:
USE COUPONS.
RECYCLE better- sell books/trade books/clothes etc online for the kids, for me, whatever.
Sell some of the stuff that is just sitting around, not getting used. Keep only what's really important.
Any other ideas?
Today is the best day ever!
I am loving every ounce of this day so far!
I fed my babies really good- well, I supose that's subjective. Is butter, cholesterol (eggs) and SAUSAGE "good"? HAHA. Anyways, they ate real food and that always feels good. The coffee is good. I called and got a bill taken care of that i shouldn't have received in the first place.
The kids are wonderful. I'm ready to tackle work today. It was a great weekend!
MFN's are going through a time right now, and I hope they don't mind that I'm leaching onto their "problem" and using it too. MFNC is currently unemployed. He's got a month to find some employment. I feel extremely hopeful for him, but it makes me also want to pare down some more, and simplify things MORE. If you look around, RIGHT NOW, you'll probably see that we have MORE THAN ENOUGH to live on. Just for today, there is a roof over our heads. Blankets on the bed, and pillows. There is plenty of food in the fridge to feed all these children. I have a van in the driveway if we need to go anywhere. We even have extras, like a bunny and a spider. We have a TON of extras, actually- these kids have clothes coming out their noses, there's so many of them. I have everything we need in order to get by. Plus some. I have a cell phone that I could do without. I have junk drawers filled with "stuff". I'm going to clean them out. MFN's situation makes me want to ditch some more "stuff" and keep it simple. We don't NEED all this crap. They don't NEED all those toys. I am LOVING the lack of cable, even though David Blaine was on a channel I can't watch and it broke my heart. But I LOVE that that bill is only $16/month, and my kids are outside playing because there is nothing interesting on TV right now. That's so awesome! I taught CJ how to do double digit multiplication. I get to spend REAL time with the kids. I own an expensive vaccuum cleaner that will suck up TFR's terds that are NEAR the litter box, but not in it. UGH.
I can see clearly how totally abundant we are right now.
I love the flexiblity around us. I love knowing there are choices. We can stay in this house or we can move. I can homeschool. I can quit my job, I can find another. Cullen can work somewhere else. Maybe we want to go down to one vehicle? Or have one on reserve that doesn't ever get used? Maybe I want to get Dan and Deb's bikes and try to bike everywhere for a week? Maybe I want to get on the treadmill and run 2 miles?
I LOVE this world today. I don't like the sad things that go on, but I can SEE it all for what it is right now. I LOVE THAT. I'm FLYING!
I fed my babies really good- well, I supose that's subjective. Is butter, cholesterol (eggs) and SAUSAGE "good"? HAHA. Anyways, they ate real food and that always feels good. The coffee is good. I called and got a bill taken care of that i shouldn't have received in the first place.
The kids are wonderful. I'm ready to tackle work today. It was a great weekend!
MFN's are going through a time right now, and I hope they don't mind that I'm leaching onto their "problem" and using it too. MFNC is currently unemployed. He's got a month to find some employment. I feel extremely hopeful for him, but it makes me also want to pare down some more, and simplify things MORE. If you look around, RIGHT NOW, you'll probably see that we have MORE THAN ENOUGH to live on. Just for today, there is a roof over our heads. Blankets on the bed, and pillows. There is plenty of food in the fridge to feed all these children. I have a van in the driveway if we need to go anywhere. We even have extras, like a bunny and a spider. We have a TON of extras, actually- these kids have clothes coming out their noses, there's so many of them. I have everything we need in order to get by. Plus some. I have a cell phone that I could do without. I have junk drawers filled with "stuff". I'm going to clean them out. MFN's situation makes me want to ditch some more "stuff" and keep it simple. We don't NEED all this crap. They don't NEED all those toys. I am LOVING the lack of cable, even though David Blaine was on a channel I can't watch and it broke my heart. But I LOVE that that bill is only $16/month, and my kids are outside playing because there is nothing interesting on TV right now. That's so awesome! I taught CJ how to do double digit multiplication. I get to spend REAL time with the kids. I own an expensive vaccuum cleaner that will suck up TFR's terds that are NEAR the litter box, but not in it. UGH.
I can see clearly how totally abundant we are right now.
I love the flexiblity around us. I love knowing there are choices. We can stay in this house or we can move. I can homeschool. I can quit my job, I can find another. Cullen can work somewhere else. Maybe we want to go down to one vehicle? Or have one on reserve that doesn't ever get used? Maybe I want to get Dan and Deb's bikes and try to bike everywhere for a week? Maybe I want to get on the treadmill and run 2 miles?
I LOVE this world today. I don't like the sad things that go on, but I can SEE it all for what it is right now. I LOVE THAT. I'm FLYING!
Souls
Have you ever recognized someone that you don't "know"????
I LOVE people watching. Who doesn't, right? It's so fulfilling to me. I think it's fun to sit and try to "read" people. I always wonder if I'm "right" or how far off I am.
Anyway, we were at the Back To The 50's carshow Sat night- I LOVE this place. It holds SO many childhood memories for me. I love it with everything in me. It was UBER busy too, which is fun- LOTS of cars, LOTS of people...lots of rockin FOOD...
So there was this girl who was sitting across from us. She had to be at least 50 feet away, and there were 2 rows of cars between us. I couldn't stop looking at her. She had longish reddish/brown hair. When I first saw her, I was just trying to read her, and she felt a lot like ME. The energy around her was light and fun. Again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she was a raging bitch? Who knows. But I couldn't stop looking at her. I felt like a recognized her. I really wanted to go find out if I actually knew her or recognized something else about her.
I didn't do it. I rarely do when that happens. It happens with girls, boys, young, old, and usually I don't go say hello.
I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that so many people seem to recognize me, too. I can't tell you how many people tell me that I look so familiar and that they think they know me from somewhere.
Later Sat night, Cullen and I were talking about the car show, and how much fun it is, and how much I love it (haven't been in years because of the kids), and what it means to him to go there, what THAT feels like.
I said "There was a girl..."
that's it. He knew EXACTLY who I was talking about. He said she was looking at us just as much as I/we were looking at her. That every time he looked at her, she was looking at us. I said "DAMMIT! Should have went and met her."
Then I said "That's what I should do. I should commit to meeting every person that I recognize *that* way..." and Cullen...hahahha...the sound that came out of him! "OH, YES! Great, a whole new slew of best friends, that's just what you need to do, yes, we should meet everyone we feel *that* was about..." only it was FUNNY.
But why DON'T we? I'm sure sitting on the el, you get your fair share of people watching in, and sometimes you probably see someone and something resonates inside of you. Or just ANYONE anywhere! Running a marathon....people everywhere...why don't we stop to say hi? Walking down the hallway, passing people, who look the other way...we just don't reach out, in general. I wonder what we're missing out on.
I LOVE people watching. Who doesn't, right? It's so fulfilling to me. I think it's fun to sit and try to "read" people. I always wonder if I'm "right" or how far off I am.
Anyway, we were at the Back To The 50's carshow Sat night- I LOVE this place. It holds SO many childhood memories for me. I love it with everything in me. It was UBER busy too, which is fun- LOTS of cars, LOTS of people...lots of rockin FOOD...
So there was this girl who was sitting across from us. She had to be at least 50 feet away, and there were 2 rows of cars between us. I couldn't stop looking at her. She had longish reddish/brown hair. When I first saw her, I was just trying to read her, and she felt a lot like ME. The energy around her was light and fun. Again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she was a raging bitch? Who knows. But I couldn't stop looking at her. I felt like a recognized her. I really wanted to go find out if I actually knew her or recognized something else about her.
I didn't do it. I rarely do when that happens. It happens with girls, boys, young, old, and usually I don't go say hello.
I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that so many people seem to recognize me, too. I can't tell you how many people tell me that I look so familiar and that they think they know me from somewhere.
Later Sat night, Cullen and I were talking about the car show, and how much fun it is, and how much I love it (haven't been in years because of the kids), and what it means to him to go there, what THAT feels like.
I said "There was a girl..."
that's it. He knew EXACTLY who I was talking about. He said she was looking at us just as much as I/we were looking at her. That every time he looked at her, she was looking at us. I said "DAMMIT! Should have went and met her."
Then I said "That's what I should do. I should commit to meeting every person that I recognize *that* way..." and Cullen...hahahha...the sound that came out of him! "OH, YES! Great, a whole new slew of best friends, that's just what you need to do, yes, we should meet everyone we feel *that* was about..." only it was FUNNY.
But why DON'T we? I'm sure sitting on the el, you get your fair share of people watching in, and sometimes you probably see someone and something resonates inside of you. Or just ANYONE anywhere! Running a marathon....people everywhere...why don't we stop to say hi? Walking down the hallway, passing people, who look the other way...we just don't reach out, in general. I wonder what we're missing out on.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
EXACTLY!
Here is EXACTLY why I want to do this so much. This is from Aunt Helen, who is the wife of Uncle Johnny, who passed away a year ago needing a kidney.
Hi Nicki
Thanks to your generosity, 3 people will receive kidneys. I wish that the surgery goes well for you and all the others.
I was just at a visitation today for a friend of ours from the dialysis group. He died this week at 45, such a loss. He battled 5 years as John did and was called home.
Love,.
Aunt Helen
Hi Nicki
Thanks to your generosity, 3 people will receive kidneys. I wish that the surgery goes well for you and all the others.
I was just at a visitation today for a friend of ours from the dialysis group. He died this week at 45, such a loss. He battled 5 years as John did and was called home.
Love,.
Aunt Helen
Goodbye Lefty!
Finally, after a year + of researching, wanting, having other surgeries first, getting myself ready- FINALLY a surgery date for The Ditching Of A Kidney. July 13th or 14th. I can't WAIT!
There have been 4 people who have openly disagreed with my wish to do this- perhaps there are more but they are choosing to keep quiet and support me. One of the 4 people who have disagreed with me has said they are sorry, but they simply cannot support me- and that's okay too!
One of them respected me enough to have a discussion regarding it, and I feel like they didn't hold back, and I felt like i was open enough to hear everything and take it in, because everyone's concerns are valid.
Of the other two who disagree with me, one just says "don't try to understand her, just go with it." and the other just wishes I wouldn't. It's not as fun to tell the last one about anything that excites me because it's usually met with a sigh and a "i wish you wouldn't."
WHICH IS FINE.
This is the coolest experience ever. Everyone gets an opinion, and I get to do what I wish anyway. My mom, who probably started out like "WHY? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST NOT DO THIS?" has watched and listened to numerous stories on the news about kidney donations and can see past the part that it's ME doing it. It seems like she can see that the results are over a million times better than any worry that comes from the actual surgery.
What's been SUPER interesting to me is that a couple of the people who struggle with my decision are very, very Christian--- which I am not. Or should we say that i am since I believe in Love? Is that so big that it encompasses Christianity also? Only I don't believe JESUS saved me- I believe I can't go wrong no matter what. Wow, i get sidetracked, don't I though? Damn. It's interesting to me that my Christian friends can't see how this makes all the sense in the world. I don't feel like I'm doing anything THAT huge- it only seems huge because so few people do it. But it is giving, and I get that. It's giving in an amazing way, isn't it? Whoever gets my kidney is going to wake up from surgery FEELING BETTER ALREADY. How kick ass is that? And my life, after I heal, is going to continue on like nothing ever happened. KICK ASS, AGAIN! Am I not not talking the talk, but walking the walk?
And Cullen is so stinkin cute about the whole thing. He gets real defensive on my/our behalf. He might be the only person who completely understands why and how I can do this- it was his uncle who died waiting, who needed a kidney. But he's heard every "crazy" idea and thought to enter my mind....and he honestly gets it. He would love nothing more than for me to go toe to toe with someone who doesn't get it. He'd love the chance to do it- except there is nothing to argue over. I can't argue with anyone's very valid concerns (but it is interesting that not ONE person was concerned over my possible death during surgery for the hysterectomy, which is also a major surgery, and when *I* uttered it out loud ONE time, I was chastised and told not to think that way.) but it doesn't change how I feel about doing this. Of COURSE I should do it! If everyone felt like they could do it, we wouldn't have this horrible waiting list. I read all about it, learned all about it, am part of a research group who will track the difference in me compared to how I am with 2 kidney's, and compare me with one to my sister who has 2. We're making history here, people. A grand story, and maybe someday the rest of the world will be convinced that it's not really that big of a deal and we can wipe out that stupid waiting list, and people won't be chained to dialysis anymore.
BRING IT!
Next weekend we are going to the cabin. The weekend after that, we are again, for the 4th of July. The weekend after we are going to Dan and Deb's camper- which is funny because we were at their camper the weekend before the hysterectomy too- and then BAM! surgery! I will finally wake up from the surgery I've been waiting to have!
3 organs gone in a year- isn't that super funny? Let my stupidly funny jokes start. Get ready to hear them! Over and over. Get ready to be made to say goodbye to Lefty. And expect to have to take pictures of me so that you can recognize me after surgery with only one kidney. :D If you're Angie, get ready for all the normal phone calls from now til surgery so you can hear what I sound like with 2 kidneys. Who's the biggest dork you know? I AM! I AM! I AM!
I AM!
And I'm insanely excited to get knocked out, wake up with one less kidney, on pain meds, I am excited to pee for the first time, proof that my absolutely marvelous body is working, and that my adorable right kidney is taking over full time. I love my brilliant body.
I CAN'T WAIT!
There have been 4 people who have openly disagreed with my wish to do this- perhaps there are more but they are choosing to keep quiet and support me. One of the 4 people who have disagreed with me has said they are sorry, but they simply cannot support me- and that's okay too!
One of them respected me enough to have a discussion regarding it, and I feel like they didn't hold back, and I felt like i was open enough to hear everything and take it in, because everyone's concerns are valid.
Of the other two who disagree with me, one just says "don't try to understand her, just go with it." and the other just wishes I wouldn't. It's not as fun to tell the last one about anything that excites me because it's usually met with a sigh and a "i wish you wouldn't."
WHICH IS FINE.
This is the coolest experience ever. Everyone gets an opinion, and I get to do what I wish anyway. My mom, who probably started out like "WHY? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST NOT DO THIS?" has watched and listened to numerous stories on the news about kidney donations and can see past the part that it's ME doing it. It seems like she can see that the results are over a million times better than any worry that comes from the actual surgery.
What's been SUPER interesting to me is that a couple of the people who struggle with my decision are very, very Christian--- which I am not. Or should we say that i am since I believe in Love? Is that so big that it encompasses Christianity also? Only I don't believe JESUS saved me- I believe I can't go wrong no matter what. Wow, i get sidetracked, don't I though? Damn. It's interesting to me that my Christian friends can't see how this makes all the sense in the world. I don't feel like I'm doing anything THAT huge- it only seems huge because so few people do it. But it is giving, and I get that. It's giving in an amazing way, isn't it? Whoever gets my kidney is going to wake up from surgery FEELING BETTER ALREADY. How kick ass is that? And my life, after I heal, is going to continue on like nothing ever happened. KICK ASS, AGAIN! Am I not not talking the talk, but walking the walk?
And Cullen is so stinkin cute about the whole thing. He gets real defensive on my/our behalf. He might be the only person who completely understands why and how I can do this- it was his uncle who died waiting, who needed a kidney. But he's heard every "crazy" idea and thought to enter my mind....and he honestly gets it. He would love nothing more than for me to go toe to toe with someone who doesn't get it. He'd love the chance to do it- except there is nothing to argue over. I can't argue with anyone's very valid concerns (but it is interesting that not ONE person was concerned over my possible death during surgery for the hysterectomy, which is also a major surgery, and when *I* uttered it out loud ONE time, I was chastised and told not to think that way.) but it doesn't change how I feel about doing this. Of COURSE I should do it! If everyone felt like they could do it, we wouldn't have this horrible waiting list. I read all about it, learned all about it, am part of a research group who will track the difference in me compared to how I am with 2 kidney's, and compare me with one to my sister who has 2. We're making history here, people. A grand story, and maybe someday the rest of the world will be convinced that it's not really that big of a deal and we can wipe out that stupid waiting list, and people won't be chained to dialysis anymore.
BRING IT!
Next weekend we are going to the cabin. The weekend after that, we are again, for the 4th of July. The weekend after we are going to Dan and Deb's camper- which is funny because we were at their camper the weekend before the hysterectomy too- and then BAM! surgery! I will finally wake up from the surgery I've been waiting to have!
3 organs gone in a year- isn't that super funny? Let my stupidly funny jokes start. Get ready to hear them! Over and over. Get ready to be made to say goodbye to Lefty. And expect to have to take pictures of me so that you can recognize me after surgery with only one kidney. :D If you're Angie, get ready for all the normal phone calls from now til surgery so you can hear what I sound like with 2 kidneys. Who's the biggest dork you know? I AM! I AM! I AM!
I AM!
And I'm insanely excited to get knocked out, wake up with one less kidney, on pain meds, I am excited to pee for the first time, proof that my absolutely marvelous body is working, and that my adorable right kidney is taking over full time. I love my brilliant body.
I CAN'T WAIT!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Today-
Today I am NOT nearly as cute as I was yesterday. At least I don't feel like I am. I'm pretty sure if I catch myself in the mirror today, it will be back to Normal Nicki for me, but it's all good.
Yesterday was exhausting to me. Today, it's a halfday. WHOOO HOOO HOOOOOIE!!!!! Today, it doesn't matter who is at work, because I only will be there for a few hours anyway! Today I get to play with my babies! Today I get to grocery shop! To be free! To get things done!
My baby is FOUR tomorrow.
There is a small part of me that is crying about it already. I miss being pregnant, I miss little babies, I miss feeling babies move in me. I miss baby noises. I miss all the firsts that come along. FOUR YEARS. Four years! I took some castor oil and pooped him right on out. No pushing needed. OH I miss my babies.
HAHAH if you could hear the tantrum taking place right now, you'd wonder what the hell I miss. :D Gotta go deal.
Smooches! Happy FRIDAY!
PS- I love Cullen. He's doing so good. So much better.
Yesterday was exhausting to me. Today, it's a halfday. WHOOO HOOO HOOOOOIE!!!!! Today, it doesn't matter who is at work, because I only will be there for a few hours anyway! Today I get to play with my babies! Today I get to grocery shop! To be free! To get things done!
My baby is FOUR tomorrow.
There is a small part of me that is crying about it already. I miss being pregnant, I miss little babies, I miss feeling babies move in me. I miss baby noises. I miss all the firsts that come along. FOUR YEARS. Four years! I took some castor oil and pooped him right on out. No pushing needed. OH I miss my babies.
HAHAH if you could hear the tantrum taking place right now, you'd wonder what the hell I miss. :D Gotta go deal.
Smooches! Happy FRIDAY!
PS- I love Cullen. He's doing so good. So much better.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Today
I'm cute. I know that. Is that okay? I went into the bathroom, and saw myself. I'm cute.
Know what's not good? This bra that shows everything if I'm chilly. Ain't no fixin that. Trust me, I tried. Next trick will be TAPE.
Know what's not good? This bra that shows everything if I'm chilly. Ain't no fixin that. Trust me, I tried. Next trick will be TAPE.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Must. Get. Out.
I need to have surgery asap.
I have to get OUT OF HERE!
I can't DO THIS!!!!
I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to bring money to us, but this is not how I wish to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will miss everyone here dearly (okay, 90% of them)- but I HAVE TO GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to be doing something I LOVE!!! Something that feels GOOD! Something that I CARE ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to get OUT OF HERE!
I can't DO THIS!!!!
I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to bring money to us, but this is not how I wish to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will miss everyone here dearly (okay, 90% of them)- but I HAVE TO GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to be doing something I LOVE!!! Something that feels GOOD! Something that I CARE ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I cannot judge what I do not understand!
Isn't that true? We should NOT judge what we can't understand, because if we UNDERSTOOD it, we wouldn't judge, right? WRONG! WRONG, Friends!
Sometimes, there is something that we DO KNOW about, and we DO understand, and we can FORESEE the future for whoever is involved- and that makes judging REALLY REALLY hard not to do. Maybe not judging, so much, but wanting to go HELLO!? Did you look at who you are saying this stuff to? It's ME! ME! ME! You know that I've been here already! But I guess everyone's story can turn out differently. My role is to just love my friend no matter what goes down. And not judge.
I can't judge. I mean that. I am the most human human to ever live on Earth. Who am I to judge anything or anyone?
Day 1 of Cullen being officially home was AWESOME! We ate dinner together, and went for a walk, came home, put the kids to bed (he did it, which is SUCH a nice break for me!), hung out, went to bed at 10- and can I tell you how nice the sleep is for me, too! Today is the first day of both of us being at work and coming home- I'll have the kids fed, and something for him, too, and we're going grocery shopping and to CJ's game. I CAN'T WAIT! I honestly don't know how military families do it.
Is it okay if I don't particularly love today? It's a gift and I'm thankful, and maybe it will feel better later on, but it just isn't my favorite right now. Sometimes i feel like I'm juggling so many people's feelings and their "stuff" and I just want a few minutes to deal with my OWN.
OH, on that note, EV is coming back tomorrow- I am NOT looking forward to it. It is so hard not to get sucked in sometimes, to the drama, but hopefully I will be able to maintain my (emotional) distance from her because truly, I'm full up to here with other people's stuff anyway. Get in line, lady. And don't hold your breath.
Sometimes, there is something that we DO KNOW about, and we DO understand, and we can FORESEE the future for whoever is involved- and that makes judging REALLY REALLY hard not to do. Maybe not judging, so much, but wanting to go HELLO!? Did you look at who you are saying this stuff to? It's ME! ME! ME! You know that I've been here already! But I guess everyone's story can turn out differently. My role is to just love my friend no matter what goes down. And not judge.
I can't judge. I mean that. I am the most human human to ever live on Earth. Who am I to judge anything or anyone?
Day 1 of Cullen being officially home was AWESOME! We ate dinner together, and went for a walk, came home, put the kids to bed (he did it, which is SUCH a nice break for me!), hung out, went to bed at 10- and can I tell you how nice the sleep is for me, too! Today is the first day of both of us being at work and coming home- I'll have the kids fed, and something for him, too, and we're going grocery shopping and to CJ's game. I CAN'T WAIT! I honestly don't know how military families do it.
Is it okay if I don't particularly love today? It's a gift and I'm thankful, and maybe it will feel better later on, but it just isn't my favorite right now. Sometimes i feel like I'm juggling so many people's feelings and their "stuff" and I just want a few minutes to deal with my OWN.
OH, on that note, EV is coming back tomorrow- I am NOT looking forward to it. It is so hard not to get sucked in sometimes, to the drama, but hopefully I will be able to maintain my (emotional) distance from her because truly, I'm full up to here with other people's stuff anyway. Get in line, lady. And don't hold your breath.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Oh, Sarcasm, Why Doth You Love Me So?
I gotta not be sarcastic. I have worked HARD on it, this is not my first post about losing the sarcasticness....and I have come a long way. I just caught myself being a smartass to Cullen. This is not helpful.
Here's the set up:
I'm slightly irritated. Working from home with 4 kids is irritating. With 6 kids, impossible. I was mentally wiped, I layed down for a half hour (danceparty downstairs). My work phone rang. My work IM dinged. Kids came in and out of the house enough to make me scream. I gave up.
I called Cullen.
Yesterday TWO different times we discussed me making chicken and rice for dinner tonight. TWO TIMES.
He just asked me on the phone if I needed him to make something for dinner or what the plan was. This is on top of kids asking me every question under the sun while I'm trying to send off emails and take care of bidness work-wise. He asked that! I said, sarcastically, in a "DUMB" voice "I'm still planning on the same thing I have been planning on. We're going to eat chicken and rice unless you have a sudden objection." or something a long those lines. That's not helpful. He's my husband. But sometimes I just don't want one more repetitive question.
I don't want anyone to need me! I don't like this! I don't want to work from home with 4-6 kids here! I can't deal with this!!!!
Of course I can. It's just a LOT easier on some days, like when I'm not a premenstrual wah.
Note To Self: lose the sarcasm asap. It does NO ONE good. It makes whoever receives it feel like shit. End of story.
Here's the set up:
I'm slightly irritated. Working from home with 4 kids is irritating. With 6 kids, impossible. I was mentally wiped, I layed down for a half hour (danceparty downstairs). My work phone rang. My work IM dinged. Kids came in and out of the house enough to make me scream. I gave up.
I called Cullen.
Yesterday TWO different times we discussed me making chicken and rice for dinner tonight. TWO TIMES.
He just asked me on the phone if I needed him to make something for dinner or what the plan was. This is on top of kids asking me every question under the sun while I'm trying to send off emails and take care of bidness work-wise. He asked that! I said, sarcastically, in a "DUMB" voice "I'm still planning on the same thing I have been planning on. We're going to eat chicken and rice unless you have a sudden objection." or something a long those lines. That's not helpful. He's my husband. But sometimes I just don't want one more repetitive question.
I don't want anyone to need me! I don't like this! I don't want to work from home with 4-6 kids here! I can't deal with this!!!!
Of course I can. It's just a LOT easier on some days, like when I'm not a premenstrual wah.
Note To Self: lose the sarcasm asap. It does NO ONE good. It makes whoever receives it feel like shit. End of story.
Another great reminder!
On this day of your life, Nicki, I believe God wants you to know...
..that you are not your 'story.' Who You Are is so much
bigger than that. It's okay to give up your past now.
Most of us have a story about how we got to be the way
we are, about what it's like to be 'us,' and about why it
is so difficult sometimes to get through life. All of this
is stuff that has nothing to do with who we are now.
How often do you 'come from' your 'story' when you
experience life. Are you ready to let go of that now?
What if you could create 'you' the way you want to be,
rather than the way you think you are? Wouldn't that be
great? Well, you can. All you have to do is let go of
your story.
Love, Your Friend.... NDW
(I love this!!!)
..that you are not your 'story.' Who You Are is so much
bigger than that. It's okay to give up your past now.
Most of us have a story about how we got to be the way
we are, about what it's like to be 'us,' and about why it
is so difficult sometimes to get through life. All of this
is stuff that has nothing to do with who we are now.
How often do you 'come from' your 'story' when you
experience life. Are you ready to let go of that now?
What if you could create 'you' the way you want to be,
rather than the way you think you are? Wouldn't that be
great? Well, you can. All you have to do is let go of
your story.
Love, Your Friend.... NDW
(I love this!!!)
What My Belly Looks Like After Four Kids
Oh, it was horrifying to take pictures and look at them. Honestly. I'd tell you that I'm "just" bloated, but I don't really know that (heheheh!). I know that YOUR belly probably doesn't look like this, and that it doesn't HAVE to look like this either- all it takes is "some" sit ups and dedication. For me personally, there isn't that much time left over and I must not care as much as I seem to, or else I'd do that. I'd rather hang out with Cullen and the kids, or run on a treadmill. :)
These are the "good" ones. HAHAHAH!!! The ones I didn't post made me tear up to look at. THOSE are the ones I should post, but nope, can't make me, and I'm sober so I can't easily be talked into anything.
In pic #1, yes, that is my 3rd nipple. It does indeed lactate when I'm milking. Seriously. I had no idea it was ACTUALLY a 3rd nipple. And it took til the 3rd kid for my ob to ask if it milked, and when I tried and it did, I screamed and tried to run away from it, but it's stuck on me. He said we can freeze it off if we want, but I'll probably do 1,000,000 sit ups first before I freeze that sucker off.
In 2nd pic, you can see little laprascopic scars from having my gallbladder yanked. : )
So there. I'm a mom. I miscarried 3 times, I was pregnant for 5 years straight, I am blessed over the moon to have my 4 kids (who are all still sleeping, thank you Out For The Summer!!!), and I have chosen NOT to spend a lot of my time doing sit ups. I could have done at least 100 right now, instead of posting this. I figure more moms out there look like me than don't anyway, right? (don't tell me if i'm wrong).
Gulp.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Hey, You, Get Offa My Cloud!
Here is something that I work hard at, because I have to. We all do. Especially when we're dating or married to someone: Not Being Affected By Their Bad Mood/Meltdown.
This is very, very hard to do sometimes. Cullen has a hard time maintaining his joy when I'm melting down or venting, as do I when he is.
Is it preventable?
One thing that girls don't like (I hate generalizing, but it's pretty true) is to have our man "fix" whatever it is we are venting/feeling sad about. We just want to be heard. Girlfriends come in real handy for this, of course, but it's a good emotional connection to share some of this with the person in our life. We get to share our perspective, maybe learn a new one, etc.
Of course, if we aren't careful, we can drag em down with us. Maybe it's all about how we present whatever it is we are unhappy about. Surely there are ways to do it without making *them* feel attacked or in any way defensive, right? Maybe like JLL said, if we say whatever IT is the way that we WANT THEM TO HEAR IT, that helps?
But what about when we're getting dumped on? What if they are feeling overwhelmed by everything going on, are way short on sleep, and to top it all off, feel sad and alone and disconnected from you? How do you not let THAT affect you? Without trying to "fix" anything?
He's SO short on sleep. I KNEW today was going to suck like this for him. Every melt down he's had has come on a Friday, at the end of a nightmarish week work hour wise, and today it's double bad because he is working a total of 20 hours with 2 hours of sleep, and those 2 hours weren't even good because it was storming out and I was wide awake and cowering in bed. So I knew today was probably going to be hard. And it is. He's trying so hard. He's overwhelmed about our 2 broken vehicles, about MN State taking money out of his check that we owed and was a surprise to him...and me, of course, wondering if I'm happy and I really REALLY want to be with HIM.
I'm currently text flirting with him. He SOUNDS better in the texts...but i digress.
it's hard to put up a wall and let them do their thing and not feel affected. I know that I CAN'T *do* anything to help him, esp when he's soooo short on sleep right now. But I just want him to feel okay, to know he's not alone, to know that we, as a couple, are surrounded by support and love, and that we aren't in this alone. And yes, I already told him all that. Then I told him I love his butt- which is seriously the most perfect thing you've ever seen in your life.
Giddyup!
This is very, very hard to do sometimes. Cullen has a hard time maintaining his joy when I'm melting down or venting, as do I when he is.
Is it preventable?
One thing that girls don't like (I hate generalizing, but it's pretty true) is to have our man "fix" whatever it is we are venting/feeling sad about. We just want to be heard. Girlfriends come in real handy for this, of course, but it's a good emotional connection to share some of this with the person in our life. We get to share our perspective, maybe learn a new one, etc.
Of course, if we aren't careful, we can drag em down with us. Maybe it's all about how we present whatever it is we are unhappy about. Surely there are ways to do it without making *them* feel attacked or in any way defensive, right? Maybe like JLL said, if we say whatever IT is the way that we WANT THEM TO HEAR IT, that helps?
But what about when we're getting dumped on? What if they are feeling overwhelmed by everything going on, are way short on sleep, and to top it all off, feel sad and alone and disconnected from you? How do you not let THAT affect you? Without trying to "fix" anything?
He's SO short on sleep. I KNEW today was going to suck like this for him. Every melt down he's had has come on a Friday, at the end of a nightmarish week work hour wise, and today it's double bad because he is working a total of 20 hours with 2 hours of sleep, and those 2 hours weren't even good because it was storming out and I was wide awake and cowering in bed. So I knew today was probably going to be hard. And it is. He's trying so hard. He's overwhelmed about our 2 broken vehicles, about MN State taking money out of his check that we owed and was a surprise to him...and me, of course, wondering if I'm happy and I really REALLY want to be with HIM.
I'm currently text flirting with him. He SOUNDS better in the texts...but i digress.
it's hard to put up a wall and let them do their thing and not feel affected. I know that I CAN'T *do* anything to help him, esp when he's soooo short on sleep right now. But I just want him to feel okay, to know he's not alone, to know that we, as a couple, are surrounded by support and love, and that we aren't in this alone. And yes, I already told him all that. Then I told him I love his butt- which is seriously the most perfect thing you've ever seen in your life.
Giddyup!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Almost the last post today. I promise
All or nuttin, baby!
Know what I'm going to do?
I am going to take pictures of my belly, and I'm going to post them on here.
Do you know why? Because I probably will not buy a bikini and go struttin around in it. However, I just realized that this blog is "public"- which doesn't mean too much because let's face it- not that many people stop by here. But posting my elly after growing and giving birth to 4 kids in 5 years, with the last one being born 4 years ago next Saturday- well, pretty damned good. That's pretty public. In some ways, scarier. The 2 of you (haha) that read this actually KNOW me. AND your stomachs probably look a lot better than mine does.
But if what I resist persists, and what I look at disappears, I'll just post some fatty Nicki belly pics and be done with that particular demon. Besides, Cullen smooches it and tells me that he loves my very soft, very squishy belly because 4 of the most incredible souls ever to be seen came to be, through me. Yup. Gonna do it.
Know what I'm going to do?
I am going to take pictures of my belly, and I'm going to post them on here.
Do you know why? Because I probably will not buy a bikini and go struttin around in it. However, I just realized that this blog is "public"- which doesn't mean too much because let's face it- not that many people stop by here. But posting my elly after growing and giving birth to 4 kids in 5 years, with the last one being born 4 years ago next Saturday- well, pretty damned good. That's pretty public. In some ways, scarier. The 2 of you (haha) that read this actually KNOW me. AND your stomachs probably look a lot better than mine does.
But if what I resist persists, and what I look at disappears, I'll just post some fatty Nicki belly pics and be done with that particular demon. Besides, Cullen smooches it and tells me that he loves my very soft, very squishy belly because 4 of the most incredible souls ever to be seen came to be, through me. Yup. Gonna do it.
Walking the path
It's gotta be the caffeine. I can't shut up today!
It is SO HARD to feel SO BIG for other people sometimes.
Aaron is walking a difficult path.
It's a path that most all of us will walk, have walked, are walking.
His dad is slowly dying.
It's cancer.
He/they will make a big decision next week together.
I JUST GOT DONE/AM STILL watching other people I love walk this path.
Does anything hurt as bad as people we love hurting? Having no control over things that seem out of control? Like cancer, growing and growing?
Being FORCED to release our physical grip on people we love?
If we want to stay *connected* to them when they are out of their bodies, then we are forced to believe in some sort of afterlife, etc.
We are suposed to live long enough to bury our parents. It's a nightmare of titanic proportions (like that?) when it's the other way around.
But oh, it's not easy.
We COULD shut down on it, shut down on the feelings, block them out, become numb through drinking or whatever means we can grab on to. Feeling is HARD STUFF. Or we can choose to FEEL IT, and feel overwhelmed by the bigness, maybe the darkness, the scariness of not knowing if we will ever NOT feel that way again. Terrifying. But sometimes that's where we find the strongest love. The truth of who we are. Invincible, unstoppable, unfenceable, completely expansive, beautiful lives. But it takes a brave person to go THERE, to the bottom of the well when the water is keep and there is a sack of rocks on our shoulders.
My friend is riding the bucket toward the water, slowly. I have all the faith in the world that he will find himself surrounded by love, and hopefully is finding that already (count me in as one!)....but oh, that is such a slow and sometimes torturous ride down, and I would just do anything I could to help it not be so hard, when it is hard.
Is love enough?
It is SO HARD to feel SO BIG for other people sometimes.
Aaron is walking a difficult path.
It's a path that most all of us will walk, have walked, are walking.
His dad is slowly dying.
It's cancer.
He/they will make a big decision next week together.
I JUST GOT DONE/AM STILL watching other people I love walk this path.
Does anything hurt as bad as people we love hurting? Having no control over things that seem out of control? Like cancer, growing and growing?
Being FORCED to release our physical grip on people we love?
If we want to stay *connected* to them when they are out of their bodies, then we are forced to believe in some sort of afterlife, etc.
We are suposed to live long enough to bury our parents. It's a nightmare of titanic proportions (like that?) when it's the other way around.
But oh, it's not easy.
We COULD shut down on it, shut down on the feelings, block them out, become numb through drinking or whatever means we can grab on to. Feeling is HARD STUFF. Or we can choose to FEEL IT, and feel overwhelmed by the bigness, maybe the darkness, the scariness of not knowing if we will ever NOT feel that way again. Terrifying. But sometimes that's where we find the strongest love. The truth of who we are. Invincible, unstoppable, unfenceable, completely expansive, beautiful lives. But it takes a brave person to go THERE, to the bottom of the well when the water is keep and there is a sack of rocks on our shoulders.
My friend is riding the bucket toward the water, slowly. I have all the faith in the world that he will find himself surrounded by love, and hopefully is finding that already (count me in as one!)....but oh, that is such a slow and sometimes torturous ride down, and I would just do anything I could to help it not be so hard, when it is hard.
Is love enough?
Aren't we all the same?
I don't know why it surprises me at all, when I read something that is so completely something that I could have written...
aren't we all pretty much the same?
How many times have I said it in here, how I feel like all of my beautiful friends are better versions of me? And isn't it a little bit interesting that I seem to keep "finding" people who really are quite similiar in mindset, emotions, beliefs? I'm sitting here, surrounded by people that I honestly adore, and they all seem to be various, better, smarter versions of me too!
It's like we're all facets of the most beautiful diamond to ever shine.
What else I find fascinating is that I can hear someone else point out their "flaws" (which aren't real anyway), and they can be some of the very same "flaws" that I see in me, and yet, I want to let them know asap that their perceived flaws are part of what makes them insanely wonderful beings. How hard can it be to apply THAT thought to MY SELF? Quite, it seems, since I don't let myself off the hook for anything at all. I VOW TO WORK ON THIS!!!!!
PS. I just ate the most amazing sandwhich. That statement may or may not be true. Since I was starving, I could have eating pig shit and thought it was delightful for all I know. Anyway, it was meatless- wheat english muffin with a lil butter on there (cuz butter makes it better), pepperjack cheese, spinach, italian dressing, and pepperchini's (can't spell that to save my life). Freakin YUM. Happy Tummy.
aren't we all pretty much the same?
How many times have I said it in here, how I feel like all of my beautiful friends are better versions of me? And isn't it a little bit interesting that I seem to keep "finding" people who really are quite similiar in mindset, emotions, beliefs? I'm sitting here, surrounded by people that I honestly adore, and they all seem to be various, better, smarter versions of me too!
It's like we're all facets of the most beautiful diamond to ever shine.
What else I find fascinating is that I can hear someone else point out their "flaws" (which aren't real anyway), and they can be some of the very same "flaws" that I see in me, and yet, I want to let them know asap that their perceived flaws are part of what makes them insanely wonderful beings. How hard can it be to apply THAT thought to MY SELF? Quite, it seems, since I don't let myself off the hook for anything at all. I VOW TO WORK ON THIS!!!!!
PS. I just ate the most amazing sandwhich. That statement may or may not be true. Since I was starving, I could have eating pig shit and thought it was delightful for all I know. Anyway, it was meatless- wheat english muffin with a lil butter on there (cuz butter makes it better), pepperjack cheese, spinach, italian dressing, and pepperchini's (can't spell that to save my life). Freakin YUM. Happy Tummy.
I'm so hungry....
That this is KILLING ME. I want it NOW, but I want it with saltine crackers crushed up, on top, drizzled with butter so it gets crispy. The pic didn't post, and the pic is FABULOUS. I need to go eat.
A Warm Broccoli Side Dish Recipe. from Squidoo.com
This is a very simple and quick broccoli side dish. This is one that I adapted long ago and doesn’t require a lot of time to prepare. It serves only two to three people, but you can easily increase the quantities to serve a larger group.
4 cups fresh broccoli, cut up
3 tablespoons mayonnaise
1 1/2 tablespoons orange juice
1/3 cup grated Romano or Parmesan cheese
1/3 cup grated Swiss Cheese
Preheat oven to 350F degrees. Steam broccoli for 5-10 minutes, until firm but tender. Place in bake dish.
In a small bowl, stir together mayonnaise and orange juice. Spread the mixture over broccoli, then top with cheeses.
Bake for 12 minutes, brown under the broiler for a couple of minutes, then serve
A Warm Broccoli Side Dish Recipe. from Squidoo.com
This is a very simple and quick broccoli side dish. This is one that I adapted long ago and doesn’t require a lot of time to prepare. It serves only two to three people, but you can easily increase the quantities to serve a larger group.
4 cups fresh broccoli, cut up
3 tablespoons mayonnaise
1 1/2 tablespoons orange juice
1/3 cup grated Romano or Parmesan cheese
1/3 cup grated Swiss Cheese
Preheat oven to 350F degrees. Steam broccoli for 5-10 minutes, until firm but tender. Place in bake dish.
In a small bowl, stir together mayonnaise and orange juice. Spread the mixture over broccoli, then top with cheeses.
Bake for 12 minutes, brown under the broiler for a couple of minutes, then serve
Where I am vs Where I want to be
I really, truly believe that if I ate meat only one time a week, I'd feel better and everything in general would be better.
I also really, really want to reduce the amount of carbs/sugar I eat. I can't see a bad thing in following a diabetic diet, in general.
But that's not where I am. That's not what I'm doing. That's how I honestly feel, but where was all that last weekend when I was completely melting into the ribs I was eating? There I was, tearing flesh and meat from between the ribs of a pig, happily. We were in a restaurant and I couldn't stop the happy noises coming out of me. And the fire roasted chicken...GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY. I'd be a full time carnivore if I could eat those two items every day. YUM.
I wish to increase our intake of veggies- BAM! That one is about to come true.
I feel like there are other things in the way- so I buy groceries that will "get us through" the week. All I need to do is do the ONE grocery shopping trip full of things I feel good feeding the kids (and therefore, myself). That's ALL I need to do. They are almost out of school, and that will help. Or so I say. Guess we'll find out.
I still don't know what to do about coffee. Have you ever seen anyone struggle so much over a beverage?
(I have to tell you how hilarious this vp is. He's HYSTERICAL. I just sit here and listen to him and giggle to myself all day long. It's so awesome. A couple of people were having a conversation, and he's in his office, singing high falsetto something or other, like it was background music. SO FUNNY! He's in the conference room making wise cracks and I'm out here giggling away. I wonder if they can hear me?)
Anyway, back to coffee. When Cullen brings me coffee in the morning, my heart sings. When I walk into the office building and the scent of coffee surrounds me, giving me a warm, fuzzy hug, letting me know that all will be well in the world, it just makes everything better. Aaron's coffee, which he has shared with me today, as well as the rest of the office, is working and I'm flying HIGH and I LOVE IT.
It CAN'T be that good for me/us. It STAINS. It has to be staining my insides. It can't be that good, can it?
I just don't know what to do.
Sometimes I don't mind drinking it, it makes mornings beautiful, makes breakfast complete....it's wonderful no matter what the season. But to be caffeine free? That's always nice too. I'll get another opp do to that soon. What's SUPER fun is going a week without and then having some. WHEEEEE!!! Who needs alcohol when there's CAFFEINE?!
One step at a time. One little change at a time. Maybe I need to set a goal that by time 6 months passes, we will increase our veggie and fruit intake (ooohhh coffee grounds, chomp chomp. Pop a dove chocolate in and it's like chocolate covered beans!) (HA! I'm a part of the meeting without being a part of the meeting. I have the best seat in the house! He's shouting out to me. I love the people I work with.) 5 fold? I should just make menus and stick to it. Go through my diabetic cookbook and make menus.
It's the kids' last full day of school today! Can't wait for summer! Wish me luck paying for 4 in daycare.
I also really, really want to reduce the amount of carbs/sugar I eat. I can't see a bad thing in following a diabetic diet, in general.
But that's not where I am. That's not what I'm doing. That's how I honestly feel, but where was all that last weekend when I was completely melting into the ribs I was eating? There I was, tearing flesh and meat from between the ribs of a pig, happily. We were in a restaurant and I couldn't stop the happy noises coming out of me. And the fire roasted chicken...GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY. I'd be a full time carnivore if I could eat those two items every day. YUM.
I wish to increase our intake of veggies- BAM! That one is about to come true.
I feel like there are other things in the way- so I buy groceries that will "get us through" the week. All I need to do is do the ONE grocery shopping trip full of things I feel good feeding the kids (and therefore, myself). That's ALL I need to do. They are almost out of school, and that will help. Or so I say. Guess we'll find out.
I still don't know what to do about coffee. Have you ever seen anyone struggle so much over a beverage?
(I have to tell you how hilarious this vp is. He's HYSTERICAL. I just sit here and listen to him and giggle to myself all day long. It's so awesome. A couple of people were having a conversation, and he's in his office, singing high falsetto something or other, like it was background music. SO FUNNY! He's in the conference room making wise cracks and I'm out here giggling away. I wonder if they can hear me?)
Anyway, back to coffee. When Cullen brings me coffee in the morning, my heart sings. When I walk into the office building and the scent of coffee surrounds me, giving me a warm, fuzzy hug, letting me know that all will be well in the world, it just makes everything better. Aaron's coffee, which he has shared with me today, as well as the rest of the office, is working and I'm flying HIGH and I LOVE IT.
It CAN'T be that good for me/us. It STAINS. It has to be staining my insides. It can't be that good, can it?
I just don't know what to do.
Sometimes I don't mind drinking it, it makes mornings beautiful, makes breakfast complete....it's wonderful no matter what the season. But to be caffeine free? That's always nice too. I'll get another opp do to that soon. What's SUPER fun is going a week without and then having some. WHEEEEE!!! Who needs alcohol when there's CAFFEINE?!
One step at a time. One little change at a time. Maybe I need to set a goal that by time 6 months passes, we will increase our veggie and fruit intake (ooohhh coffee grounds, chomp chomp. Pop a dove chocolate in and it's like chocolate covered beans!) (HA! I'm a part of the meeting without being a part of the meeting. I have the best seat in the house! He's shouting out to me. I love the people I work with.) 5 fold? I should just make menus and stick to it. Go through my diabetic cookbook and make menus.
It's the kids' last full day of school today! Can't wait for summer! Wish me luck paying for 4 in daycare.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
50 ways to love your lover
Okay, I stumbled upon all these articles. I won't make you read this one, but it was regarding Paul Simon's song about 50 ways to leave a lover, and how there are most certainly 50 ways to love your lover. I'm going to get creative. I wonder if I should include things already being done. This is for me, by the way, but feel free to jump on any of them.
1. Make out. Often.
2. if you're near one another, touch. We used to do this when we were dating, and after being married with kids for a few years, it's easy to let it go.
3. stop what you're doing and watch them. Ever feel someone watching you? Remember how that felt? (as long as it wasn't the creep stalker guy that you couldn't shake, of course)
4. Share a really, really good meal together, with no kids, no tv, no radio.
5. Have a pillow fight.
6. Rearrange the bedroom/buy a new comforter/take the bedframe down (haha!!!)- do something fun for the bedroom.
7. Have sex somewhere other than the bathroom. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! DID YOU HEAR THAT!!! i meant bedroom. :D
8. Hold hands while driving.
9. Write a love note and stick it in their pocket to find later.
10. Play cards instead of watching a movie or TV.
11. Get one of those cheesy question books and go for it. Find out something you didn't know about them.
12. Play hide and seek.
13. Go out in the backyard and lay on a blanket and watch the sky.
14. Find a new place to go. Museum, food, park, whatever.
15. Write your love story and give it to him. Do it up fancy with a cover to keep for the kids/grandkids/great grandkids
16. Plan a surprise party.
17. Get him a day off without him knowing about it. Hole up at home, or go hit the road.
18. Have pictures done.
19. sit quietly under a willow tree.
20. Light some candles, turn off the lights, put on some music and dance.
21. take a class together.
22. Commit to getting a babysitter every couple of weeks, once a month at the VERY LEAST and go do something as unmom and undad as possible.
23. Find a cause to support together.
24. 50 is a lot to come up with.
25. So i'm cheating on a couple of these by filling up spaces with something else.
26. Go park somewhere and make out.
27. You know how there are some things that you say "no" to? Say yes, just once.
28. Every now and then, no matter how tired we might be, let's go out of our way and do that thing that they have been asking us to do that we keep not doing.
29. Notice what he's doing around the house or for the kids and say THANK YOU.
30. Praise them to someone when they are not around.
31. Go pull weeds together.
32. Get out of the routine after work- go look at Christmas lights, go collect the reddest leaves possible, go pick flowers, go fish at the neighbor fishing hole, eat dinner in the backyard.
33. Where did you used to go when you were dating? Go there again. (We used to climb the ski jump. I wonder if i still have it in me to make it up that thing...)
34. Paint your nails red. (I dunno...Cullen loves that and i never do it because I don't have time for upkeeping that shit! But I should just do it.)
35. Why not have sex on the kitchen table once?
36. kiss goodnight for at least 20 seconds. A real one, not a peck.
37. renew those vows, in private or however, every 6 months or so.
38. Take a vacation without the kid(s), at least once a year, more if possible.
39. Take lunch together.
40. make a list of dreams and make them happen one at a time. the trick is to actually DO THEM.
41. Go to a beach.
42. Acknowledge something that bothers you IMMEDIATELY. Think of what you want them to hear and say it that way. Or write it, if you're really irritated. That way you can edit before delivering it.
43. Is this one stupid? Write his parents a love letter, thanking them for the gift they have given you. (I happen to love my inlaws but lots of people don't)
44. Put gas in the car if it's low, for them.
45. FINE- go ahead and clean the whole car for them inside and out.
46. Do it in a little white tshirt and shorts and when you get caught doing your good deed, spray him with water and LET HIM SPRAY YOU BACK.
47. Strip poker!
48. What's his favorite snack? Buy it.
49. "Pretend" that he is merely another form of you, and treat him with all the love and respect that you/he deserve.
50. Go ahead and say that dirty little thing in your head.
Whew. That wasn't really as hard as I thought it was going to be. I'm going to print it out now, and hang it up in our room. Then we'll do another after we cross all these off. 10 times. :) Got some?
1. Make out. Often.
2. if you're near one another, touch. We used to do this when we were dating, and after being married with kids for a few years, it's easy to let it go.
3. stop what you're doing and watch them. Ever feel someone watching you? Remember how that felt? (as long as it wasn't the creep stalker guy that you couldn't shake, of course)
4. Share a really, really good meal together, with no kids, no tv, no radio.
5. Have a pillow fight.
6. Rearrange the bedroom/buy a new comforter/take the bedframe down (haha!!!)- do something fun for the bedroom.
7. Have sex somewhere other than the bathroom. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! DID YOU HEAR THAT!!! i meant bedroom. :D
8. Hold hands while driving.
9. Write a love note and stick it in their pocket to find later.
10. Play cards instead of watching a movie or TV.
11. Get one of those cheesy question books and go for it. Find out something you didn't know about them.
12. Play hide and seek.
13. Go out in the backyard and lay on a blanket and watch the sky.
14. Find a new place to go. Museum, food, park, whatever.
15. Write your love story and give it to him. Do it up fancy with a cover to keep for the kids/grandkids/great grandkids
16. Plan a surprise party.
17. Get him a day off without him knowing about it. Hole up at home, or go hit the road.
18. Have pictures done.
19. sit quietly under a willow tree.
20. Light some candles, turn off the lights, put on some music and dance.
21. take a class together.
22. Commit to getting a babysitter every couple of weeks, once a month at the VERY LEAST and go do something as unmom and undad as possible.
23. Find a cause to support together.
24. 50 is a lot to come up with.
25. So i'm cheating on a couple of these by filling up spaces with something else.
26. Go park somewhere and make out.
27. You know how there are some things that you say "no" to? Say yes, just once.
28. Every now and then, no matter how tired we might be, let's go out of our way and do that thing that they have been asking us to do that we keep not doing.
29. Notice what he's doing around the house or for the kids and say THANK YOU.
30. Praise them to someone when they are not around.
31. Go pull weeds together.
32. Get out of the routine after work- go look at Christmas lights, go collect the reddest leaves possible, go pick flowers, go fish at the neighbor fishing hole, eat dinner in the backyard.
33. Where did you used to go when you were dating? Go there again. (We used to climb the ski jump. I wonder if i still have it in me to make it up that thing...)
34. Paint your nails red. (I dunno...Cullen loves that and i never do it because I don't have time for upkeeping that shit! But I should just do it.)
35. Why not have sex on the kitchen table once?
36. kiss goodnight for at least 20 seconds. A real one, not a peck.
37. renew those vows, in private or however, every 6 months or so.
38. Take a vacation without the kid(s), at least once a year, more if possible.
39. Take lunch together.
40. make a list of dreams and make them happen one at a time. the trick is to actually DO THEM.
41. Go to a beach.
42. Acknowledge something that bothers you IMMEDIATELY. Think of what you want them to hear and say it that way. Or write it, if you're really irritated. That way you can edit before delivering it.
43. Is this one stupid? Write his parents a love letter, thanking them for the gift they have given you. (I happen to love my inlaws but lots of people don't)
44. Put gas in the car if it's low, for them.
45. FINE- go ahead and clean the whole car for them inside and out.
46. Do it in a little white tshirt and shorts and when you get caught doing your good deed, spray him with water and LET HIM SPRAY YOU BACK.
47. Strip poker!
48. What's his favorite snack? Buy it.
49. "Pretend" that he is merely another form of you, and treat him with all the love and respect that you/he deserve.
50. Go ahead and say that dirty little thing in your head.
Whew. That wasn't really as hard as I thought it was going to be. I'm going to print it out now, and hang it up in our room. Then we'll do another after we cross all these off. 10 times. :) Got some?
I think i love this article..so let's do it!
For years, as a Pastor and counselor, I've had to figure out how to save someone's marriage. Here is a short formula that I use to find out where the problems may truly lie, and knowing them, I can recommend a plan on what needs to be done to fix the broken relationship. You can follow it for yourself right now.
This process is best done with an impartial third party, whose sole interest is your marriage, not taking sides. However, if there is no one to do that, the couple could follow this procedure separately and then trade results. I'm not sure this will work well, but at the very least it will allow you to identify the problems in your marriage.
Knowing where the problems are is the key to knowing what you need to work on. This procedure is not designed to be a reflection of the truth. Oh no, but rather to reveal the problems as you and your spouse see them. The truth and how we see the truth is rarely the same thing. More often than not, we must deal with our perceptions in order to fix the problem. The truth always takes care of itself.
STEP 1 - RATE YOUR MARRIAGE
The purpose of this is to get a general sense of who sees the problem as the greatest. Every problem must be solved from the perspective of the person who sees it as the worst. If you don't tackle it from that perspective, someone will feel that the problem isn't being addressed properly. Nothing will be solved. So, take a piece of paper and write your name at the top of it. In one of the corners, draw a box and write a number between 0-10 in it. 0 is hell on earth, and 10 is heaven on earth.
Usually, it will be the wife who rates the marriage worse than her husband. If this is true, then, hubby, you need to realize that in order to solve the problems in the relationship you may have to acknowledge that the problem is greater than you were willing to believe.
(I would rate ours at a 7 or 8, fwiw. I hate his work hours, but together, we're really, really good.)
STEP 2 - WRITE DOWN THE ANSWERS TO THREE QUESTIONS
These three questions are designed to get you to examine the relationship in its entirety, not just from a platform of anger or frustration. Answer them honestly and objectively. Write the questions down on the piece of paper and leave space for your answers.
Question #1 - If you could change anything about your spouse, what are the two most important things you would change right now? (changing his hours doesn't really count, right? Okay- what I would change for him is his self esteem. It wouldn't be based on his physical appearance, and it wouldn't be based on how much everyone loves him for all the things he does for people. It would be based on the knowledge that he is beautiful and perfect and worthy of the world, no matter what he looks like physically or how anyone else sees him. He's about halfway there, but I'd love for him to be all the way there.)
Question #2 - If you could change anything about yourself, what are the two most important things you would want to change right now? (I really don't know. Sometimes I feel like being *ME* is not a "good" thing.? That and I suck at doing the books.)
Question #3 - If your spouse could change anything about you, what are the two most important things you think he/she would want to change right now? (OOH!!! Great question. I'm going to ask him over lunch and see what he says. stay tuned!)
The answers to these questions give you a fairly general idea of where you see the problems in your marriage to be. This is important. If you use a pastor or counselor, giving him the results of these questions will enable him to see both sides of the picture. If you swap results and are able to look at your spouse's responses objectively, you may begin to see what needs to be done to fix your marriage.
These results tell me several things out the couple in question:
Do they know what is most important to each other? Or are they oblivious to the other's perception of the issues?
How much weight they give to their own side of the problem versus the problems with their mate.
What issues are most important and to whom.
Are they willing to be introspective as well as critical of their mate?
How well they understand the nature of the problems.
Depending on the responses, I can glean a lot of other information as well. With these three questions, I'm able to at least figure out what areas need to be addressed in a relationship. I also cut out a lot of accusation, yelling, and arguing.
STEP 3 - WRITE DOWN A LIST OF THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURS SPOUSE
This is essential. It is important to find out if you have the ability to take your eyes off of the issues and problems and realize that there are some good things about the person you married. Draw a line underneath the three questions and write out a list of positive things about your spouse. So many times we become fixated on the problems and all the good that a person is becomes smothered. The ability to recognize the good in the other also demonstrates a wiliness to try and fix the problems.
If someone says, "I can't think of anything good." Then we have a real problem. This person is trying to get out of the marriage or is so hurt that they want to run. Either way, it's not a good sign. Also, many couples after dealing with problems in their marriage have no idea what things they are doing that the other person likes. It is important to know these things! Follow these three simple steps and you'll have a basic idea of what you need to do to fix your marriage.
What I love about Cullen:
(haven't I done this before?)
I love his quiet strength
I love his determination
I love his belief in me
I love that he never gives up
I love trusting him with my dreams
I love his sense of humor
I love his playfulness
I love watching him play with the kids
I love that mostly he lets me off the hook for the things about me that have always been the same, like the fact that I am not the most anal cleaner in the world, or can go for awhile without replacing a roll of toilet paper or paper towels or emptying the garbage, or cleaning out the van.
I love his sweet, beautiful heart.
I love that he's dependable.
I love his work ethic.
Okay. I can't wait to see what he'd change about me if he could. We have had that talk before, but I'm really going to push him. :D
This process is best done with an impartial third party, whose sole interest is your marriage, not taking sides. However, if there is no one to do that, the couple could follow this procedure separately and then trade results. I'm not sure this will work well, but at the very least it will allow you to identify the problems in your marriage.
Knowing where the problems are is the key to knowing what you need to work on. This procedure is not designed to be a reflection of the truth. Oh no, but rather to reveal the problems as you and your spouse see them. The truth and how we see the truth is rarely the same thing. More often than not, we must deal with our perceptions in order to fix the problem. The truth always takes care of itself.
STEP 1 - RATE YOUR MARRIAGE
The purpose of this is to get a general sense of who sees the problem as the greatest. Every problem must be solved from the perspective of the person who sees it as the worst. If you don't tackle it from that perspective, someone will feel that the problem isn't being addressed properly. Nothing will be solved. So, take a piece of paper and write your name at the top of it. In one of the corners, draw a box and write a number between 0-10 in it. 0 is hell on earth, and 10 is heaven on earth.
Usually, it will be the wife who rates the marriage worse than her husband. If this is true, then, hubby, you need to realize that in order to solve the problems in the relationship you may have to acknowledge that the problem is greater than you were willing to believe.
(I would rate ours at a 7 or 8, fwiw. I hate his work hours, but together, we're really, really good.)
STEP 2 - WRITE DOWN THE ANSWERS TO THREE QUESTIONS
These three questions are designed to get you to examine the relationship in its entirety, not just from a platform of anger or frustration. Answer them honestly and objectively. Write the questions down on the piece of paper and leave space for your answers.
Question #1 - If you could change anything about your spouse, what are the two most important things you would change right now? (changing his hours doesn't really count, right? Okay- what I would change for him is his self esteem. It wouldn't be based on his physical appearance, and it wouldn't be based on how much everyone loves him for all the things he does for people. It would be based on the knowledge that he is beautiful and perfect and worthy of the world, no matter what he looks like physically or how anyone else sees him. He's about halfway there, but I'd love for him to be all the way there.)
Question #2 - If you could change anything about yourself, what are the two most important things you would want to change right now? (I really don't know. Sometimes I feel like being *ME* is not a "good" thing.? That and I suck at doing the books.)
Question #3 - If your spouse could change anything about you, what are the two most important things you think he/she would want to change right now? (OOH!!! Great question. I'm going to ask him over lunch and see what he says. stay tuned!)
The answers to these questions give you a fairly general idea of where you see the problems in your marriage to be. This is important. If you use a pastor or counselor, giving him the results of these questions will enable him to see both sides of the picture. If you swap results and are able to look at your spouse's responses objectively, you may begin to see what needs to be done to fix your marriage.
These results tell me several things out the couple in question:
Do they know what is most important to each other? Or are they oblivious to the other's perception of the issues?
How much weight they give to their own side of the problem versus the problems with their mate.
What issues are most important and to whom.
Are they willing to be introspective as well as critical of their mate?
How well they understand the nature of the problems.
Depending on the responses, I can glean a lot of other information as well. With these three questions, I'm able to at least figure out what areas need to be addressed in a relationship. I also cut out a lot of accusation, yelling, and arguing.
STEP 3 - WRITE DOWN A LIST OF THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURS SPOUSE
This is essential. It is important to find out if you have the ability to take your eyes off of the issues and problems and realize that there are some good things about the person you married. Draw a line underneath the three questions and write out a list of positive things about your spouse. So many times we become fixated on the problems and all the good that a person is becomes smothered. The ability to recognize the good in the other also demonstrates a wiliness to try and fix the problems.
If someone says, "I can't think of anything good." Then we have a real problem. This person is trying to get out of the marriage or is so hurt that they want to run. Either way, it's not a good sign. Also, many couples after dealing with problems in their marriage have no idea what things they are doing that the other person likes. It is important to know these things! Follow these three simple steps and you'll have a basic idea of what you need to do to fix your marriage.
What I love about Cullen:
(haven't I done this before?)
I love his quiet strength
I love his determination
I love his belief in me
I love that he never gives up
I love trusting him with my dreams
I love his sense of humor
I love his playfulness
I love watching him play with the kids
I love that mostly he lets me off the hook for the things about me that have always been the same, like the fact that I am not the most anal cleaner in the world, or can go for awhile without replacing a roll of toilet paper or paper towels or emptying the garbage, or cleaning out the van.
I love his sweet, beautiful heart.
I love that he's dependable.
I love his work ethic.
Okay. I can't wait to see what he'd change about me if he could. We have had that talk before, but I'm really going to push him. :D
Monday, June 7, 2010
You knew it was coming!
Or maybe you didn't, but it's all or nothing in Nickiland, and this one is going to purge me clean like I haven't pooped in a month. Ready? I'll give you a moment to clear your schedule for the next 20 minutes. 15 if you read really fast. :P
The dust from the sonic boom has settled, mostly now, I'm happy to say. The sonic boom was caused in part by moi, and in part by Cullen and his insane work schedule. We'll discuss Cullen's part first.
He has insisted on working 2 jobs, no matter what the hours are because we were in quite a hole for awhile, caused by his quitting his job a few years back. He did side jobs, but the biggest side job he did was for his BROTHER, and while his brother paid him, he absolutely did not make what he would have made still working his construction job. Very slowly, over the course of 2 years, we ran straight out of money. It's a little bit amazing that we made it at all, but we somehow did. I promise you, chances are pretty good that you haven't seen broke the way we saw it. I think we even borrowed money for gas and diapers. We grocery shopped at his mom's house to get us by. It was bad.
But we learned SO MUCH. Money is NOT everything. My children got to have time with their dad like other kids just don't get. It was NOT fun, and it was extremely stressful, on our relationship as well as just in general. Ever come home and have your electicity turned off? Sucks.
So he went back to Fed Ex, which he loves. And then our neighbor got him a job in the school district, which is union. The only "problem" was that it is 2nd shift. I can't tell you how many people have said the same thing: that out of the 3 shifts, 2nd shift is the biggest nightmare, esp if you have children involved. It's an even bigger nightmare when you work a 2nd job with more messed up hours, like from 4am to 8am.
But we did it. Because he wanted to help fix what was broken, and make it better. He also started taking care of himself at that time. He started running. Stopped chewing/smoking/drinking himself into oblivion nightly. This was very, very good.
What isn't good is that Cullen missed us, the way that we missed him. I felt the pressure almost immediately, as I was on duty from sun up til sun down like a single parent, and on top of that, I was to support my husband in his insane efforts. Life quickly began revolving around getting him enough sleep, making him lunch, keeping his clothes clean and ready to go. On top of working from home, and taking care of the kids and house.
THANK GOD for facebook. Cullen would feel differently, I'm sure, and in general, we all call facebook "F*cking Facebook" because it seems that more trouble or nonsense comes of it than anything. And we can't decide what the point of it in general is. Anyway, it saved me. I left my mommy online group, which was hard on me (but okay, I was no longer having trouble getting pregnant or even having babies) and most of my friends from there were on facebook. I reconnected with old friends and made new friends. Cullen didn't like this from the beginning.
I have been in an abusive type relationship before. I say that so that you'll know that what I'm going to say about Cullen is COMPLETELY different from any abusive relationship. Cullen is my polar opposite as far as being jealous goes. I am not jealous, generally speaking. Of course, I've never really had a situation come up that would make me feel that way. Cullen, on the other hand is quite jealous. He works on this all the time, and he's actually done really well. When I think back to before we were married, and how happy hours were with the people from my work, he's done EXTREMELY well. He keeps it inside, mostly, and tries to be rational.
Over the past few months- 6? he has started having a harder and harder time with ...everything. He started to get upset when Angie would call and I'd answer and talk to her when he was home. His rationale was that he is barely ever here and when he is, my attention should be solely on him. While I understand somewhat, that's also a little bit crazy. I work with Angie and I have a responsibility to work AND her. And honestly, I should be "allowed" to answer the phone whenever it rings if I want or need to.
Then it extended to Allyssa, too. He was "happy" when I'd go out to see her, but I'd hear about it later. Being me couldn't be "that" hard, after all, I'd gotten to go out with Allyssa and get some "me" time. And let's not forget all the "me" time I have every single night of the week, and Saturday mornings. I have all the time in the world. I should be refreshed and recharged and renewed, right? That's how he felt.
And in general, that works. I could clean up- sometimes I didn't because after doing that ALL DAY LONG, at some point, I just want to be DONE. I could make the kids' lunches and do laundry and on and on and on. Read? Watch TV? Play on the puter? His perception was that he was missing out on EVERYTHING (he was) and I had it "made"- which I didn't. If I wanted to be a single parent, I would be a single parent. We discussed how much his hours sucked, and he'd tell me that in another year or two, he'd be on first shift. It would make me feel sad and sick, but again, you just do what you have to do.
Then a few months ago, he started getting MORE nuts about me and the "Nicki World" that I live in and how he isn't a part of it. You've read those blogs. There was nothing in the whole world more frustrating to hear coming from him. He really felt like I really had it made and was slacking, when in truth, I was reaching the end of my rope too. But he wouldn't hear that.
Mind you- we have a blast when we're together. I stay up at night waiting for him, and we laugh and have fun hanging out> But I get him for 30 minutes a day, and a full plate for the entire day and night before that.
So, the sonic boom came. My part in it is that I did not share my entire life with him while he was away. I didn't trust him, because I knew there were parts that he wouldn't like, and he has been so insecure anyway. He sometimes comes home from work with the Cullen frown on, and he's a little distant and far away and says it's been a "hard" night- meaning he had all sorts of horrible things running through his mind about me. It's not fun to be me that way, and be the recipient of that. So I left things out.
Not anymore. :)
BOOM!
This has been a very, very good thing, in the end. I wondered if anything would ever be or feel the same. I wondered if I was doomed for the rest of my life to have him looking at me with the Cullen frown. He struggles. I LOVE EVERYONE, and I LOVE EVREYONE BIG, and I'm open about how I feel. He says that he feels as big as I feel for everyone, for me. Whereas I love the world, he just loves me. I'm not sure that that is entirely healthy- and it's where our struggle sits. Me trying to get him to understand that I can love everyone in my life, and still hold him up and above all others, while he sees no one the way that he sees me, or even close. He does not feel like "I LOVE EVERYONE! I LOVE EVERYTHING! LOOK AT THE PRETTY SKY! *HAPPY TEARS*" the way that I do. He says that the way I feel about wanting to throw my arms around the world and hug it is the way that he feels about me. And he does- if you know Cullen, you know that he brings me coffee and food and it shows that he is always thinking of me. We have a wonderful love life and I don't get sick of being around him.
What did we learn?
Which of us is learning more?
Cullen is convinced that money is not worth sacraficing anymore time away from his kids or me. Daytime hours start this Friday but he is not planning on going back to night hours when school starts again. No matter what that means- a different job? Whatever it is, he's done with nights. Isn't that wonderful? And scary? He's scared, nervous and excited.
Me too.
I've also decided where I want to be. I don't want to be in the office, sending my kids away every day. I want to be with my kids. I want to be home. I want to be running the house. I want to be with KIDS period. I have never once gotten the chance to take care of kids without having to juggle work at the same time. Do you konw how stressful that's been? Knowing that if I'm paying attention to the kids, that I'm not doing what I should be doing at work? The past 6 months or so have been a painful slide downhill, workwise. That's so much better now that I'm in the office, but that's not where I want to be. I'm taking steps to get home. Maybe by time school starts again? I'm working on it.
Totally scary, and exciting.
Is life seriously about working so we can live? Isn't it about living, period? I will never in my life believe that money is the #1 thing in this life. It just isn't! I think we can have money. We can make money. It IS possible to make money doing something you love doing, it's having the guts to DO THAT. We just grew us some guts.
Do you think my kids are going to be wrecked if I never get TV back? I just watched some totally horrible show on pbt about TOXIC CHILDHOOD- all about how much crap we're putting in our kids' bodies and then my fave Dr. Wayne Dyer came on and mentioned how many images of violence our children see by time they are 12. It was sick. I started thinking about the cabin and how we just don't watch TV when we're there. Of course, there's the lake to play in, games outside, bonfires, lawn mower rides and all of that- which would all get old at some point, right? But still. Even now, they watch way less TV. Is that going to damage them? Are they missing out on anything? Will they run to friends' house to watch TV every chance they get? OH GOD how I miss the food channel and Whose Line Is It Anyway, and The Locator and I could probably go on and on, but now I DO spend all night long cleaning. It's EXTRA lonely now, because if I sit, it's practically in silence and Cullen's absence is even louder- but it's just for another few days.
What do people do after work together? Is it fun for them or are they in routines? Do they pack a dinner and go take a walk somewhere beautiful? Do they go out and garden together? Pull weeds together? Let the kids help plant flowers? Am I lucky in that one way that he is never home for 9 months of the year because we don't waste time when he is home????? But I want him home at night, every night. I'd be so grateful and thankful to have my friend home with me and to not feel like I'm doing everything by myself, while he's out making money and doing the best he can around here so that I won't feel like I'm doing it all by myself. The pissing contest can stop.
For now, knowing that he's got days left before he's on days, we have made plans, big plans....to get info about what he will be doing when summer is over, same for me, and a promise to slow. it. down. In my need for big people, and friends, and company, I usually surround myself with them during the weekends. And surround him with them, too. He has fun, but he wishes for some quiet weekends now. Quiet weekends nursing the most intense relationship one can have- a marriage. An attempt to run a life together, a life consisting of different people with different feelings and different personalities, different needs and likes and dislikes. This shit ain't for wusses, ya'll! Might sound like a fun challenge, but there is nothing in the world like this challenge. Worth it, for sure. Harder than pushing a watermelon out of a vagina? 4 times? Way.
There. I think I got my book out. He doesn't want this "feeling" to go away- the feeling of a new vision, of actually moving forward instead of merely trying to get by and dealing with the situation of his jobs, of being together and steering this ship somewhere beautiful TOGETHER. Will it? Will we find a "new" routine again? Probably, right? But things weren't bad before, other than his meltdowns about being away suffocating me a little bit. Together, we're great! Can I trust him with things that I know will make him uncomfortable? Is that my issue or his? Will anything else make him uncomfortable? He does honestly know me- CLEARLY. I wish you could hear him sometimes. I don't even need to talk. He just looks at me and calls out what he sees. Will he trust me to trust him? Will he stop asking me if I'm really happy being here after 2 years of him being gone so much? Will he see that I've always been where I want to be? And that I do love him, bigger than I love anyone or anything else? Even more than a kidney surgery?
I should have a date for that this week. YAY!
Okay, book off. Thanks for listening.
The dust from the sonic boom has settled, mostly now, I'm happy to say. The sonic boom was caused in part by moi, and in part by Cullen and his insane work schedule. We'll discuss Cullen's part first.
He has insisted on working 2 jobs, no matter what the hours are because we were in quite a hole for awhile, caused by his quitting his job a few years back. He did side jobs, but the biggest side job he did was for his BROTHER, and while his brother paid him, he absolutely did not make what he would have made still working his construction job. Very slowly, over the course of 2 years, we ran straight out of money. It's a little bit amazing that we made it at all, but we somehow did. I promise you, chances are pretty good that you haven't seen broke the way we saw it. I think we even borrowed money for gas and diapers. We grocery shopped at his mom's house to get us by. It was bad.
But we learned SO MUCH. Money is NOT everything. My children got to have time with their dad like other kids just don't get. It was NOT fun, and it was extremely stressful, on our relationship as well as just in general. Ever come home and have your electicity turned off? Sucks.
So he went back to Fed Ex, which he loves. And then our neighbor got him a job in the school district, which is union. The only "problem" was that it is 2nd shift. I can't tell you how many people have said the same thing: that out of the 3 shifts, 2nd shift is the biggest nightmare, esp if you have children involved. It's an even bigger nightmare when you work a 2nd job with more messed up hours, like from 4am to 8am.
But we did it. Because he wanted to help fix what was broken, and make it better. He also started taking care of himself at that time. He started running. Stopped chewing/smoking/drinking himself into oblivion nightly. This was very, very good.
What isn't good is that Cullen missed us, the way that we missed him. I felt the pressure almost immediately, as I was on duty from sun up til sun down like a single parent, and on top of that, I was to support my husband in his insane efforts. Life quickly began revolving around getting him enough sleep, making him lunch, keeping his clothes clean and ready to go. On top of working from home, and taking care of the kids and house.
THANK GOD for facebook. Cullen would feel differently, I'm sure, and in general, we all call facebook "F*cking Facebook" because it seems that more trouble or nonsense comes of it than anything. And we can't decide what the point of it in general is. Anyway, it saved me. I left my mommy online group, which was hard on me (but okay, I was no longer having trouble getting pregnant or even having babies) and most of my friends from there were on facebook. I reconnected with old friends and made new friends. Cullen didn't like this from the beginning.
I have been in an abusive type relationship before. I say that so that you'll know that what I'm going to say about Cullen is COMPLETELY different from any abusive relationship. Cullen is my polar opposite as far as being jealous goes. I am not jealous, generally speaking. Of course, I've never really had a situation come up that would make me feel that way. Cullen, on the other hand is quite jealous. He works on this all the time, and he's actually done really well. When I think back to before we were married, and how happy hours were with the people from my work, he's done EXTREMELY well. He keeps it inside, mostly, and tries to be rational.
Over the past few months- 6? he has started having a harder and harder time with ...everything. He started to get upset when Angie would call and I'd answer and talk to her when he was home. His rationale was that he is barely ever here and when he is, my attention should be solely on him. While I understand somewhat, that's also a little bit crazy. I work with Angie and I have a responsibility to work AND her. And honestly, I should be "allowed" to answer the phone whenever it rings if I want or need to.
Then it extended to Allyssa, too. He was "happy" when I'd go out to see her, but I'd hear about it later. Being me couldn't be "that" hard, after all, I'd gotten to go out with Allyssa and get some "me" time. And let's not forget all the "me" time I have every single night of the week, and Saturday mornings. I have all the time in the world. I should be refreshed and recharged and renewed, right? That's how he felt.
And in general, that works. I could clean up- sometimes I didn't because after doing that ALL DAY LONG, at some point, I just want to be DONE. I could make the kids' lunches and do laundry and on and on and on. Read? Watch TV? Play on the puter? His perception was that he was missing out on EVERYTHING (he was) and I had it "made"- which I didn't. If I wanted to be a single parent, I would be a single parent. We discussed how much his hours sucked, and he'd tell me that in another year or two, he'd be on first shift. It would make me feel sad and sick, but again, you just do what you have to do.
Then a few months ago, he started getting MORE nuts about me and the "Nicki World" that I live in and how he isn't a part of it. You've read those blogs. There was nothing in the whole world more frustrating to hear coming from him. He really felt like I really had it made and was slacking, when in truth, I was reaching the end of my rope too. But he wouldn't hear that.
Mind you- we have a blast when we're together. I stay up at night waiting for him, and we laugh and have fun hanging out> But I get him for 30 minutes a day, and a full plate for the entire day and night before that.
So, the sonic boom came. My part in it is that I did not share my entire life with him while he was away. I didn't trust him, because I knew there were parts that he wouldn't like, and he has been so insecure anyway. He sometimes comes home from work with the Cullen frown on, and he's a little distant and far away and says it's been a "hard" night- meaning he had all sorts of horrible things running through his mind about me. It's not fun to be me that way, and be the recipient of that. So I left things out.
Not anymore. :)
BOOM!
This has been a very, very good thing, in the end. I wondered if anything would ever be or feel the same. I wondered if I was doomed for the rest of my life to have him looking at me with the Cullen frown. He struggles. I LOVE EVERYONE, and I LOVE EVREYONE BIG, and I'm open about how I feel. He says that he feels as big as I feel for everyone, for me. Whereas I love the world, he just loves me. I'm not sure that that is entirely healthy- and it's where our struggle sits. Me trying to get him to understand that I can love everyone in my life, and still hold him up and above all others, while he sees no one the way that he sees me, or even close. He does not feel like "I LOVE EVERYONE! I LOVE EVERYTHING! LOOK AT THE PRETTY SKY! *HAPPY TEARS*" the way that I do. He says that the way I feel about wanting to throw my arms around the world and hug it is the way that he feels about me. And he does- if you know Cullen, you know that he brings me coffee and food and it shows that he is always thinking of me. We have a wonderful love life and I don't get sick of being around him.
What did we learn?
Which of us is learning more?
Cullen is convinced that money is not worth sacraficing anymore time away from his kids or me. Daytime hours start this Friday but he is not planning on going back to night hours when school starts again. No matter what that means- a different job? Whatever it is, he's done with nights. Isn't that wonderful? And scary? He's scared, nervous and excited.
Me too.
I've also decided where I want to be. I don't want to be in the office, sending my kids away every day. I want to be with my kids. I want to be home. I want to be running the house. I want to be with KIDS period. I have never once gotten the chance to take care of kids without having to juggle work at the same time. Do you konw how stressful that's been? Knowing that if I'm paying attention to the kids, that I'm not doing what I should be doing at work? The past 6 months or so have been a painful slide downhill, workwise. That's so much better now that I'm in the office, but that's not where I want to be. I'm taking steps to get home. Maybe by time school starts again? I'm working on it.
Totally scary, and exciting.
Is life seriously about working so we can live? Isn't it about living, period? I will never in my life believe that money is the #1 thing in this life. It just isn't! I think we can have money. We can make money. It IS possible to make money doing something you love doing, it's having the guts to DO THAT. We just grew us some guts.
Do you think my kids are going to be wrecked if I never get TV back? I just watched some totally horrible show on pbt about TOXIC CHILDHOOD- all about how much crap we're putting in our kids' bodies and then my fave Dr. Wayne Dyer came on and mentioned how many images of violence our children see by time they are 12. It was sick. I started thinking about the cabin and how we just don't watch TV when we're there. Of course, there's the lake to play in, games outside, bonfires, lawn mower rides and all of that- which would all get old at some point, right? But still. Even now, they watch way less TV. Is that going to damage them? Are they missing out on anything? Will they run to friends' house to watch TV every chance they get? OH GOD how I miss the food channel and Whose Line Is It Anyway, and The Locator and I could probably go on and on, but now I DO spend all night long cleaning. It's EXTRA lonely now, because if I sit, it's practically in silence and Cullen's absence is even louder- but it's just for another few days.
What do people do after work together? Is it fun for them or are they in routines? Do they pack a dinner and go take a walk somewhere beautiful? Do they go out and garden together? Pull weeds together? Let the kids help plant flowers? Am I lucky in that one way that he is never home for 9 months of the year because we don't waste time when he is home????? But I want him home at night, every night. I'd be so grateful and thankful to have my friend home with me and to not feel like I'm doing everything by myself, while he's out making money and doing the best he can around here so that I won't feel like I'm doing it all by myself. The pissing contest can stop.
For now, knowing that he's got days left before he's on days, we have made plans, big plans....to get info about what he will be doing when summer is over, same for me, and a promise to slow. it. down. In my need for big people, and friends, and company, I usually surround myself with them during the weekends. And surround him with them, too. He has fun, but he wishes for some quiet weekends now. Quiet weekends nursing the most intense relationship one can have- a marriage. An attempt to run a life together, a life consisting of different people with different feelings and different personalities, different needs and likes and dislikes. This shit ain't for wusses, ya'll! Might sound like a fun challenge, but there is nothing in the world like this challenge. Worth it, for sure. Harder than pushing a watermelon out of a vagina? 4 times? Way.
There. I think I got my book out. He doesn't want this "feeling" to go away- the feeling of a new vision, of actually moving forward instead of merely trying to get by and dealing with the situation of his jobs, of being together and steering this ship somewhere beautiful TOGETHER. Will it? Will we find a "new" routine again? Probably, right? But things weren't bad before, other than his meltdowns about being away suffocating me a little bit. Together, we're great! Can I trust him with things that I know will make him uncomfortable? Is that my issue or his? Will anything else make him uncomfortable? He does honestly know me- CLEARLY. I wish you could hear him sometimes. I don't even need to talk. He just looks at me and calls out what he sees. Will he trust me to trust him? Will he stop asking me if I'm really happy being here after 2 years of him being gone so much? Will he see that I've always been where I want to be? And that I do love him, bigger than I love anyone or anything else? Even more than a kidney surgery?
I should have a date for that this week. YAY!
Okay, book off. Thanks for listening.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Funny!
On this day of your life, Nicki, I believe God wants you to know...
...that it does no good to think in any way negatively
about yourself. Not even a little good.
Please don't confuse humility with self-deprecation.
You have had enough thoughts about why you're not
"worthy" to carry you through two lifetimes. You can
stop now.
Besides, none of those thoughts were accurate anyway.
Most of them were exaggerations, and some of them
werecompletely "made up." So tell yourself the truth
about yourself: You are wonderful.
I'm still not buying it yet, I'll work on that!
...that it does no good to think in any way negatively
about yourself. Not even a little good.
Please don't confuse humility with self-deprecation.
You have had enough thoughts about why you're not
"worthy" to carry you through two lifetimes. You can
stop now.
Besides, none of those thoughts were accurate anyway.
Most of them were exaggerations, and some of them
werecompletely "made up." So tell yourself the truth
about yourself: You are wonderful.
I'm still not buying it yet, I'll work on that!
A new day...
I'm trying to find positives today.
Here are some: This is day 4 without caffeine. It's almost suicide. I don't know why I'm doing it, I didn't "mean" to, but here I am. The lambs are screaming louder than ever.
I'm wearing size 8 jeans. That's prebaby. For SURE my body is not the same, and FOR SURE there are size 8's I wouldn't be able to squeeze my upper thigh into, but I've got these bitches ON. And they aren't the only size 8's I'm fitting into. I tried on lots. Polo's do NOT fit. Old Navy, does. I'll take it.
Brian from Fargo called to tell me that I am indeed compatible with their recipient. YIPPPEEE!!! Hopefully by Mon or Tues they'll have more information.
Cullen is coming to take me out to lunch.
I put on long sleeves because it's freezing in here, and it is.
Julia has medication for her poor double ear leaking issue, but the dr is concerned about hearing loss. :(
Rats. That's all I got.
Okay, I've got more. I got to eat yummy food with my yummy hubby, and then I got to hold a 13 day old baby for a solid 20 minutes. THAT is KICK ASS. I still smell him! YAY!
Here are some: This is day 4 without caffeine. It's almost suicide. I don't know why I'm doing it, I didn't "mean" to, but here I am. The lambs are screaming louder than ever.
I'm wearing size 8 jeans. That's prebaby. For SURE my body is not the same, and FOR SURE there are size 8's I wouldn't be able to squeeze my upper thigh into, but I've got these bitches ON. And they aren't the only size 8's I'm fitting into. I tried on lots. Polo's do NOT fit. Old Navy, does. I'll take it.
Brian from Fargo called to tell me that I am indeed compatible with their recipient. YIPPPEEE!!! Hopefully by Mon or Tues they'll have more information.
Cullen is coming to take me out to lunch.
I put on long sleeves because it's freezing in here, and it is.
Julia has medication for her poor double ear leaking issue, but the dr is concerned about hearing loss. :(
Rats. That's all I got.
Okay, I've got more. I got to eat yummy food with my yummy hubby, and then I got to hold a 13 day old baby for a solid 20 minutes. THAT is KICK ASS. I still smell him! YAY!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Unlovable Me
It's an unlovable me day.
I want to know, *looking out among all 3 of you*...who out there could hear everyt thought that goes through my head, and still love me? Still think me worthy of...anything?
How different are any of us?
How alike?
Are we?
It makes me angry that there's this undercurrent that no one talks about really, and if they do, it's with their heads down, ashamed. The talk about being human stuff. You know? We all f- up sometimes, don't we? Don't we all fail at one thing or another, or don't try hard enough here, or give a little white lie there, or omit this, that or the other? Or worse...I mean, if that's the worst I've got, I can't be THAT bad, can I? I certainly have never killed anyone, or gone out to ruin anyone's life, I've never killed a small animal or an old person. But seriously-
Unlovable me.
Yeah, me. Me who loves the world so, so, so, so, so, so big. And I DO! Oh, how I do! I do love it, I love it with everything in me, even when i hate it. I believe in magic, like beyond believing, I KNOW about magic.
But sometimes I'm SELFISH!! Sometimes I don't WANT to be chained here, cleaning all the damned time. Sometimes I WANT to watch something mindless, do anything other than laundry. Sometimes, sometimes, I LIKE to go on facebook and catch up real quick on people that I care about.
Sometimes, I get angry that Cullen works nights and I get to carry the load. I'm suposed to be, and am often, grateful that he's working his ass off for his family. But sometimes I feel sad that the money is more important than being with his family. How selfish is that! Oh, he'll be home soon enough, and he really wants day hours, so we're going to work on that, but I feel bad because every time he's found a day job it's because I am over here breaking, without him. The only thing is is that he doesn't LOVE his job, and certainly MONEY can't be worth staying somewhere that you are grateful for but not loving, can it? Can you look back when life is over and feel like that was worth it? I don't know. I want him to be happy where he is- and it's not where he IS right now.
But all of that is the stuff that you can read and understand, or try to. It's all the other stuff, the stuff we don't talk about, that I'm not talking about, that is getting me.
If there really truly were a God, a God that I am actually a PART of, why don't I act more divinely sometimes? And beyond that, how can the rest of Me, the BIG part of God, just love me no matter WHAT I say, think or do? The God that I subscribe to has no judgement whatsoever on anything that goes on while we're down here remembering Who We Are, but sometimes I feel certain that She's gotta be shaking her head, thinking "What the hell are you DOING?" or "why would you do that?" I KNOW, I know I can't see the big picture or remember everything that I'll remember when I'm done. I know that. But today, just for now, today, I am wondering how anyone in the world could dare to love unlovable me.
Tomorrow, back to LOVABLE ME. I hope.
I want to know, *looking out among all 3 of you*...who out there could hear everyt thought that goes through my head, and still love me? Still think me worthy of...anything?
How different are any of us?
How alike?
Are we?
It makes me angry that there's this undercurrent that no one talks about really, and if they do, it's with their heads down, ashamed. The talk about being human stuff. You know? We all f- up sometimes, don't we? Don't we all fail at one thing or another, or don't try hard enough here, or give a little white lie there, or omit this, that or the other? Or worse...I mean, if that's the worst I've got, I can't be THAT bad, can I? I certainly have never killed anyone, or gone out to ruin anyone's life, I've never killed a small animal or an old person. But seriously-
Unlovable me.
Yeah, me. Me who loves the world so, so, so, so, so, so big. And I DO! Oh, how I do! I do love it, I love it with everything in me, even when i hate it. I believe in magic, like beyond believing, I KNOW about magic.
But sometimes I'm SELFISH!! Sometimes I don't WANT to be chained here, cleaning all the damned time. Sometimes I WANT to watch something mindless, do anything other than laundry. Sometimes, sometimes, I LIKE to go on facebook and catch up real quick on people that I care about.
Sometimes, I get angry that Cullen works nights and I get to carry the load. I'm suposed to be, and am often, grateful that he's working his ass off for his family. But sometimes I feel sad that the money is more important than being with his family. How selfish is that! Oh, he'll be home soon enough, and he really wants day hours, so we're going to work on that, but I feel bad because every time he's found a day job it's because I am over here breaking, without him. The only thing is is that he doesn't LOVE his job, and certainly MONEY can't be worth staying somewhere that you are grateful for but not loving, can it? Can you look back when life is over and feel like that was worth it? I don't know. I want him to be happy where he is- and it's not where he IS right now.
But all of that is the stuff that you can read and understand, or try to. It's all the other stuff, the stuff we don't talk about, that I'm not talking about, that is getting me.
If there really truly were a God, a God that I am actually a PART of, why don't I act more divinely sometimes? And beyond that, how can the rest of Me, the BIG part of God, just love me no matter WHAT I say, think or do? The God that I subscribe to has no judgement whatsoever on anything that goes on while we're down here remembering Who We Are, but sometimes I feel certain that She's gotta be shaking her head, thinking "What the hell are you DOING?" or "why would you do that?" I KNOW, I know I can't see the big picture or remember everything that I'll remember when I'm done. I know that. But today, just for now, today, I am wondering how anyone in the world could dare to love unlovable me.
Tomorrow, back to LOVABLE ME. I hope.
Can you feel the boom?
There has been a sonic boom, so loud and earth shattering that you may have missed it. But make no mistake, it happened. Everything probably looks "the same" to you, but it absolutely is not.
During this sonic boom, 2 cars have died. Trannies. We are going to try to save the van. The Alero is probably unsaveable, but it has 4 new tires on it. Somehow, SOMEHOW we are getting through that- not only unstressed, but blessed by the fact that vehicles keep showing up for us to use. I havent' even had decent time to sit down and ask the Universe to save us over that, and it's happening anyway.
My blood was overnighted to Fargo, and arrived yesterday. :) I will have a surgery date by the end of next week. This is when my dreams normally take a dive. I get so far, and then something interrupts. I don't want anything to interrupt it. When I get the surgery date, I will really believe this is going to happen.
Cullen and I have big plans! Big plans! Big plans that it remains to be seen how it will shake out, but we're going to try for it. I can't reveal it just yet.
Until next time, well...just sit and wait. HAHAHAHAH! It's not like you have ANYTHING better to do. :P
During this sonic boom, 2 cars have died. Trannies. We are going to try to save the van. The Alero is probably unsaveable, but it has 4 new tires on it. Somehow, SOMEHOW we are getting through that- not only unstressed, but blessed by the fact that vehicles keep showing up for us to use. I havent' even had decent time to sit down and ask the Universe to save us over that, and it's happening anyway.
My blood was overnighted to Fargo, and arrived yesterday. :) I will have a surgery date by the end of next week. This is when my dreams normally take a dive. I get so far, and then something interrupts. I don't want anything to interrupt it. When I get the surgery date, I will really believe this is going to happen.
Cullen and I have big plans! Big plans! Big plans that it remains to be seen how it will shake out, but we're going to try for it. I can't reveal it just yet.
Until next time, well...just sit and wait. HAHAHAHAH! It's not like you have ANYTHING better to do. :P
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