Unlovable Me

It's an unlovable me day.
I want to know, *looking out among all 3 of you*...who out there could hear everyt thought that goes through my head, and still love me? Still think me worthy of...anything?

How different are any of us?
How alike?
Are we?

It makes me angry that there's this undercurrent that no one talks about really, and if they do, it's with their heads down, ashamed. The talk about being human stuff. You know? We all f- up sometimes, don't we? Don't we all fail at one thing or another, or don't try hard enough here, or give a little white lie there, or omit this, that or the other? Or worse...I mean, if that's the worst I've got, I can't be THAT bad, can I? I certainly have never killed anyone, or gone out to ruin anyone's life, I've never killed a small animal or an old person. But seriously-
Unlovable me.
Yeah, me. Me who loves the world so, so, so, so, so, so big. And I DO! Oh, how I do! I do love it, I love it with everything in me, even when i hate it. I believe in magic, like beyond believing, I KNOW about magic.
But sometimes I'm SELFISH!! Sometimes I don't WANT to be chained here, cleaning all the damned time. Sometimes I WANT to watch something mindless, do anything other than laundry. Sometimes, sometimes, I LIKE to go on facebook and catch up real quick on people that I care about.
Sometimes, I get angry that Cullen works nights and I get to carry the load. I'm suposed to be, and am often, grateful that he's working his ass off for his family. But sometimes I feel sad that the money is more important than being with his family. How selfish is that! Oh, he'll be home soon enough, and he really wants day hours, so we're going to work on that, but I feel bad because every time he's found a day job it's because I am over here breaking, without him. The only thing is is that he doesn't LOVE his job, and certainly MONEY can't be worth staying somewhere that you are grateful for but not loving, can it? Can you look back when life is over and feel like that was worth it? I don't know. I want him to be happy where he is- and it's not where he IS right now.
But all of that is the stuff that you can read and understand, or try to. It's all the other stuff, the stuff we don't talk about, that I'm not talking about, that is getting me.
If there really truly were a God, a God that I am actually a PART of, why don't I act more divinely sometimes? And beyond that, how can the rest of Me, the BIG part of God, just love me no matter WHAT I say, think or do? The God that I subscribe to has no judgement whatsoever on anything that goes on while we're down here remembering Who We Are, but sometimes I feel certain that She's gotta be shaking her head, thinking "What the hell are you DOING?" or "why would you do that?" I KNOW, I know I can't see the big picture or remember everything that I'll remember when I'm done. I know that. But today, just for now, today, I am wondering how anyone in the world could dare to love unlovable me.

Tomorrow, back to LOVABLE ME. I hope.