For years, as a Pastor and counselor, I've had to figure out how to save someone's marriage. Here is a short formula that I use to find out where the problems may truly lie, and knowing them, I can recommend a plan on what needs to be done to fix the broken relationship. You can follow it for yourself right now.
This process is best done with an impartial third party, whose sole interest is your marriage, not taking sides. However, if there is no one to do that, the couple could follow this procedure separately and then trade results. I'm not sure this will work well, but at the very least it will allow you to identify the problems in your marriage.
Knowing where the problems are is the key to knowing what you need to work on. This procedure is not designed to be a reflection of the truth. Oh no, but rather to reveal the problems as you and your spouse see them. The truth and how we see the truth is rarely the same thing. More often than not, we must deal with our perceptions in order to fix the problem. The truth always takes care of itself.
STEP 1 - RATE YOUR MARRIAGE
The purpose of this is to get a general sense of who sees the problem as the greatest. Every problem must be solved from the perspective of the person who sees it as the worst. If you don't tackle it from that perspective, someone will feel that the problem isn't being addressed properly. Nothing will be solved. So, take a piece of paper and write your name at the top of it. In one of the corners, draw a box and write a number between 0-10 in it. 0 is hell on earth, and 10 is heaven on earth.
Usually, it will be the wife who rates the marriage worse than her husband. If this is true, then, hubby, you need to realize that in order to solve the problems in the relationship you may have to acknowledge that the problem is greater than you were willing to believe.
(I would rate ours at a 7 or 8, fwiw. I hate his work hours, but together, we're really, really good.)
STEP 2 - WRITE DOWN THE ANSWERS TO THREE QUESTIONS
These three questions are designed to get you to examine the relationship in its entirety, not just from a platform of anger or frustration. Answer them honestly and objectively. Write the questions down on the piece of paper and leave space for your answers.
Question #1 - If you could change anything about your spouse, what are the two most important things you would change right now? (changing his hours doesn't really count, right? Okay- what I would change for him is his self esteem. It wouldn't be based on his physical appearance, and it wouldn't be based on how much everyone loves him for all the things he does for people. It would be based on the knowledge that he is beautiful and perfect and worthy of the world, no matter what he looks like physically or how anyone else sees him. He's about halfway there, but I'd love for him to be all the way there.)
Question #2 - If you could change anything about yourself, what are the two most important things you would want to change right now? (I really don't know. Sometimes I feel like being *ME* is not a "good" thing.? That and I suck at doing the books.)
Question #3 - If your spouse could change anything about you, what are the two most important things you think he/she would want to change right now? (OOH!!! Great question. I'm going to ask him over lunch and see what he says. stay tuned!)
The answers to these questions give you a fairly general idea of where you see the problems in your marriage to be. This is important. If you use a pastor or counselor, giving him the results of these questions will enable him to see both sides of the picture. If you swap results and are able to look at your spouse's responses objectively, you may begin to see what needs to be done to fix your marriage.
These results tell me several things out the couple in question:
Do they know what is most important to each other? Or are they oblivious to the other's perception of the issues?
How much weight they give to their own side of the problem versus the problems with their mate.
What issues are most important and to whom.
Are they willing to be introspective as well as critical of their mate?
How well they understand the nature of the problems.
Depending on the responses, I can glean a lot of other information as well. With these three questions, I'm able to at least figure out what areas need to be addressed in a relationship. I also cut out a lot of accusation, yelling, and arguing.
STEP 3 - WRITE DOWN A LIST OF THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURS SPOUSE
This is essential. It is important to find out if you have the ability to take your eyes off of the issues and problems and realize that there are some good things about the person you married. Draw a line underneath the three questions and write out a list of positive things about your spouse. So many times we become fixated on the problems and all the good that a person is becomes smothered. The ability to recognize the good in the other also demonstrates a wiliness to try and fix the problems.
If someone says, "I can't think of anything good." Then we have a real problem. This person is trying to get out of the marriage or is so hurt that they want to run. Either way, it's not a good sign. Also, many couples after dealing with problems in their marriage have no idea what things they are doing that the other person likes. It is important to know these things! Follow these three simple steps and you'll have a basic idea of what you need to do to fix your marriage.
What I love about Cullen:
(haven't I done this before?)
I love his quiet strength
I love his determination
I love his belief in me
I love that he never gives up
I love trusting him with my dreams
I love his sense of humor
I love his playfulness
I love watching him play with the kids
I love that mostly he lets me off the hook for the things about me that have always been the same, like the fact that I am not the most anal cleaner in the world, or can go for awhile without replacing a roll of toilet paper or paper towels or emptying the garbage, or cleaning out the van.
I love his sweet, beautiful heart.
I love that he's dependable.
I love his work ethic.
Okay. I can't wait to see what he'd change about me if he could. We have had that talk before, but I'm really going to push him. :D
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