Butterfly

Okay, party people...I'm doing it. I've read it over and over lately, and I'm ready to go for it. What I've been reading is about letting go of our "story". Our "story", of course, is made up of all the things we remember happening, the way we remember them happening, the things that were done "to" us, the things said "to" us...all put together. Where we've been. In a nutshell, here is my "story":

Shy kid growing up.
Broke out of that in the worst way I could: by getting lots of attention with an eating disorder and having sex with boys who just wanted sex.
THEN I landed me the PERFECT boyfriend- he was completely abused and abusive. More horrors occurred in those 2 years than I can to divulge here.
Chris Ackerly called me fucking ugly, right to my face. I went to the bathroom to have a look and thought I was having a good Nicki day. Isn't that stupid that I STILL call on that?
Met Cullen, healed eating disorder, and 15 years later here we are.


There. That's my story.
I've let go of much of it. The sex stuff, whatever. Unfortunate, but that's a done deal. Meanie boyfriend, I've let go of. I can more clearly see and understand how that happened now and I have let that go- mostly (sometimes a little something will sneak up and get me, like when Cullen is a little too possessive or what have you, but I don't ever get so mad at Nasty Boyfriend that I cry angry tears like I used to do).

it's the eating disorder.

It's time for me to let that go. That has nothing to do with who I am now. It has nothing to do with my health, my safetly, my wellness. Nothing at all.
I am having major surgery soon. I am working out beforehand. And I will continue to be well afterward. My working out will never lead to another eating disorder. I can run when I want to, walk when I want to, skip days if I want to. I can eat spinach salads, I can eat pizza. I'm free! I'm completely, totally, all the way free.

Now, speaking of eating disorders, I'm going to tell you about Gary Spivey. Have I ever posted this? If I did it was years ago. Just when you think you've heard all the crazy that's possible....

if you don't know who Gary Spivey is, he is a psychic/medium/everything. He's on KDWB every Thursday, and although I don't believe EVERYTHING the same way he does, I'm with him on about 87% of his beliefs, and it's so fun listening to him. He makes the hair on my body stand on end, just hearing his voice.
So, Michelle (sister) bought tickets, and she bought one more me- which was so sweet because I wouldn't have been able to afford to go at that time. He was in town. She was wanting to go in hopes that she'd get some answers for her own "story" that she is writing.
At one point, eating disorders came up. Gary says "there are 3 people in this room with eating disorders...where are you?" (I know, anyone could say that anywhere and people would answer, I know.) I thought "screw it." I raised my hand. Gary and his side kick, who was very young, by the way- like 16? came over. He said "You have an eating disorder." I said "I DID." He says again... "You HAVE an eating disorder." I say again, "I DI---" and then, almost as if he were SHOWING it to me, the image flashed in my head...a scene from just a month prior to this, where there were THREE days that I was throwing up again. It was like the stupid monster had taken over completely again, and I couldn't stop it. THREE DAYS of it. I didn't count that as still being eating disordered because I knocked it off somehow after that...maybe my HEAD wasn't well, but I wasn't puking up my food. I gasped, remembering. With wide eyes I just nodded at him. Then he talks to his sidekick to ask him what he "sees" when he looks at me. "Monster...lots of eyes" Gary goes on to "explain" that this is what an eating disorder demon looks like, and how it's in my head and my stomach, and then asks if he can remove it. I'm no idiot. "Yes, please!"
And he started doing his "thing"...he waves his hands around, grabbing "stuff"...his eyes unfocused...only here's the thing:
I PHYSICALLY FELT WHAT HE WAS DOING.
Yes, I just said that. Admitted it out loud. I GASPED, audibly, as I felt stuff being pulled out of me. I PHYSICALLY FELT IT. I felt immensely lighter than, and ...I felt FREE. I know I announced "I FELT THAT!" ...it was amazing.

And I have to say that since then, it's been "different". I've struggle when I'm working out, with the tendency to go overboard or start feeling like it's never enough, but I have not once wanted to just go throw up my food- which I used for years and years to deal with stress, worry, self hatred, to teach myself a lesson, because I didn't deserve food for the things I'd done. That is GONE. That monster is gone! I'd always called it a monster, because it really did feel like something was chasing me, getting me, doing horrible things to my head. Cullen would hold me for hours while I hysterically cried after eating, being gobbled up by the monster. Maybe it really was a monster afterall. I don't know.
But my sister said "I think we were there for *you* the whole time!" which is so very sweet but made me sad because I know how much she wanted some clarity on her questions.

There. Just when you thought I couldn't get anymore looney, I am now certifiable. :D