The wishes that I look forward to coming true:
Having someone take over my endless task of budgeting and paying bills.
Having someone do the taxes for me, and not charge me $300 to do them.
Bono writing a song for me.
Wake up fully refreshed in the morning without the need for one more minute of sleep before the day hits.
One full day of not being grossed out by meat.
One full day of not feeling like I don't belong anywhere.
I would love, love, love, to live in a bubble for a little while. The restorativeness that would bring to is infathomable. If I could live in a bubble where I was totally and completely taken care of...I don't mean pampered even..I mean everything I just said. Someone else worrying about paying the bills, keeping the kids school shit in order and filled out, scheduling this, that and the other for everyone, and trying to find the time to get this one here and that one there at this time, making food, picking kids up and dropping them off, getting husband out of bed on time and off to work, keeping all the fricken clothes clean, dusting every now and then, scrubbing the toilet so it's not nasty since none of these boys control their hoses well...
Is that enough?
I don't know where that whine came from. My boy Jack Johnson is on now. I love him.
I'm TIRED!!! WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I don't want to hit the ground running.
Sometimes it's irritating how Cullen comes in the house every 45 minutes to "hang out" with me, which means he asks how taxes are going, and makes small talk while our neighbor sits in the garage and waits for his drinking buddy to come back out. Maybe that's what just pissed me off. I don't LIKE doing our taxes, but I do them, and he's out there drinking. They fixed alot of cars today, I'll give them that, but wtf. I got to go shopping with Kimmy today, so I shouldn't whine about having every f*cking responsibility sitting on me all the time. And I'm a Leo so I'm probably being dramatic. BUT WHEN'S THE LAST TIME ....oh, I could play that game forever and it wouldn't be productive. I'm fairly sure that *I* have changed also, under so much responsibility. Now my impulsiveness doesn't revolve so much around taking off in the middle of the night for a field in the middle of no where to lay in, no, now it gets my head shaved and other stupid shit that I can get away with.
UGH! Me thinks I'm just too tired, and putting off going to bed because once I do, I'll wake up again, too soon and have to start all over.
I have had some fabulously lucid dreams again. I pet an eagle last night in my dream. That'd be fun to do again. Or if I could get a good flying dream, or one of my lake dreams. SOMETHING. I need SOMETHING.
SIGH.
Okay. Seriously. I need to go unconcious now. GO, ME. UGH!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Practicing!
I just practiced telling someone else about the kidney! It was our neighbor, and he was asking about the surgeries I've had. Since he will find out sooner or later anyway because he's over here, or his kids are, often enough, I did it. He took it easy on me, and that is always nice. YAY. I am about 95% there- to the place where I don't feel worried about how anyone will react and I'm just getting so close to being ready to tell anyone that I damned well want to. :) Big talker, aren't I?
Yesterday I felt really crabby about writing, too. I swear, sometimes I wish I could be a psychologist. I'm so easy to figure out, if I could split myself in two, and one part of me be the psycho dr and the other part of me be me, it'd be SO MUCH FUN! I couldn't figure out what made me so irritated about the whole thing, but I guess it makes sense. I have NO "official" training at writing, and I can't figure out what the point would be of trying to get published. One of my favorite places in the universe is a book store- ANY book store. But look around when you're there. How many of these people have peeps actually BUY any of their shit? That is thoroughly irritating. NOT because I necessarily want people to buy anything I would ever actually get published- and let's be real, that's not likely to happen anyway, but to feel like a drop in the ocean. I HATE that feeling. And it's true enough in the real world anyway, how would I ever deal with feeling like that ALOT? Who wants to beg people to read their stuff?! It made me crabby. IF that dream ever came true, would I WANT the pressure of HAVING to create something? I don't know. But at least I figured out where the growliness was coming from. Did anyone notice besides my sister? hahahha. She wouldn't have noticed if we wouldn't have talked about it anyway. I'm a nerd.
The kids brought their report cards home. I hate knowing that no matter what, I AM shaping them somewhat and I don't know if I'm doing it RIGHT. I hate that feeling, too. CJ doesn't love reading. He enjoys reading books, but it isn't his passion and I don't force him to. I'm suposed to force him to. I am. Honest. But what's happening to him is that he is "required" to read 5 books a week, so he picks easy and fast to read ones, blows through them so he can fill out his assignment page. It makes me a little bummed because reading is EVERYTHING to me. I LOVE reading. BUT- I think forcing him to do something will make him enjoy it even less. Catch 22? I don't FIT anywhere. I should care more, but I want him to study and learn about what he CARES about! I used to just think that our post secondary schooling system was a little messed up, but no, it's all of it. I KNOW and I get that there is some things that help them out alot to have as a foundation. I get that part, but do you know what? I still don't care...if his grades aren't fabulous in certain areas, I don't care. He's doing the best he can. The million dollar question: Would he do better in a one on one situation, when he could move at his own pace and the requirements were smaller, and he didn't have pressure to be done by a certain time? YES. CJ for SURE would excel at just about everything if he had a one on one situation. He has 3 of his bestest friends, who are NOT quite, calm boys, but all the way boys, and "reeling in the sillies" is a big part of every fricken day. He doesn't get in trouble, but I bet she has to remind him every day to do it. She is the best teacher ever, I LOVE how she teaches, but in the end, this is still a group of 8 year olds who are sitting in class all day instead of doing lots of physical activity. Winter doesn't help. You put a lot of kids together, and expect them to not pay attention to the other kids? We're so stupid. Honestly. So I support my babies, and I love my babies, but hell. If he gets 2's instead of 4's in some of his stuff, I am so sorry to say that I am not worried or concerned. Maybe I should be? And how the hell are they going to send home a bunch of homework to do every night? After they've been in school for 7 hours a day? OH!!! I JUST WANT TO HOMESCHOOL SOMETIMES. But since I still have to be employed full time, he'll keep going to school and I'll keep supporting him the best I can. He's such a good kid. Our education system is insane.
Yet 3rd world coutries are dying for education, and those kids just soak up everything they can because it's the way OUT.
We're so messed up. The whole thing.
Today I had the bestest pregnancy related experience since being pregnant. I got to go maternity clothes shopping with my Kimmy. I wonder if she knows that I'm so happy for her to be pregnant that it gives me happy love tears thinking about her having a baby. It was so much fun. Sometimes, just sometimes, going through the maternity section tugs at my heartstrings and makes that insatiable ache begin. But not today! Today we celebrated Kim and her baby bump. She makes me cry from laughing so hard. I love her so much. I should write a I LOVE KIM page, and then I'd need to write a I LOVE MICHELLE page too, and I think I've almost used up all my words now, LUCKY YOU!
Have you SEEN the moon? HOLY CRAP, it's enormous and incredible. We talk about the moon rising and setting, when it's US moving...we're in space! We are a planet in space, moving all the time. We have a moon. We're so cool. : ) We're moving through time and space and we act like it all revolves around US. We forget how enormous this whole space is.
Okay. I'm done now.
NIGHTY NIGHT!
Yesterday I felt really crabby about writing, too. I swear, sometimes I wish I could be a psychologist. I'm so easy to figure out, if I could split myself in two, and one part of me be the psycho dr and the other part of me be me, it'd be SO MUCH FUN! I couldn't figure out what made me so irritated about the whole thing, but I guess it makes sense. I have NO "official" training at writing, and I can't figure out what the point would be of trying to get published. One of my favorite places in the universe is a book store- ANY book store. But look around when you're there. How many of these people have peeps actually BUY any of their shit? That is thoroughly irritating. NOT because I necessarily want people to buy anything I would ever actually get published- and let's be real, that's not likely to happen anyway, but to feel like a drop in the ocean. I HATE that feeling. And it's true enough in the real world anyway, how would I ever deal with feeling like that ALOT? Who wants to beg people to read their stuff?! It made me crabby. IF that dream ever came true, would I WANT the pressure of HAVING to create something? I don't know. But at least I figured out where the growliness was coming from. Did anyone notice besides my sister? hahahha. She wouldn't have noticed if we wouldn't have talked about it anyway. I'm a nerd.
The kids brought their report cards home. I hate knowing that no matter what, I AM shaping them somewhat and I don't know if I'm doing it RIGHT. I hate that feeling, too. CJ doesn't love reading. He enjoys reading books, but it isn't his passion and I don't force him to. I'm suposed to force him to. I am. Honest. But what's happening to him is that he is "required" to read 5 books a week, so he picks easy and fast to read ones, blows through them so he can fill out his assignment page. It makes me a little bummed because reading is EVERYTHING to me. I LOVE reading. BUT- I think forcing him to do something will make him enjoy it even less. Catch 22? I don't FIT anywhere. I should care more, but I want him to study and learn about what he CARES about! I used to just think that our post secondary schooling system was a little messed up, but no, it's all of it. I KNOW and I get that there is some things that help them out alot to have as a foundation. I get that part, but do you know what? I still don't care...if his grades aren't fabulous in certain areas, I don't care. He's doing the best he can. The million dollar question: Would he do better in a one on one situation, when he could move at his own pace and the requirements were smaller, and he didn't have pressure to be done by a certain time? YES. CJ for SURE would excel at just about everything if he had a one on one situation. He has 3 of his bestest friends, who are NOT quite, calm boys, but all the way boys, and "reeling in the sillies" is a big part of every fricken day. He doesn't get in trouble, but I bet she has to remind him every day to do it. She is the best teacher ever, I LOVE how she teaches, but in the end, this is still a group of 8 year olds who are sitting in class all day instead of doing lots of physical activity. Winter doesn't help. You put a lot of kids together, and expect them to not pay attention to the other kids? We're so stupid. Honestly. So I support my babies, and I love my babies, but hell. If he gets 2's instead of 4's in some of his stuff, I am so sorry to say that I am not worried or concerned. Maybe I should be? And how the hell are they going to send home a bunch of homework to do every night? After they've been in school for 7 hours a day? OH!!! I JUST WANT TO HOMESCHOOL SOMETIMES. But since I still have to be employed full time, he'll keep going to school and I'll keep supporting him the best I can. He's such a good kid. Our education system is insane.
Yet 3rd world coutries are dying for education, and those kids just soak up everything they can because it's the way OUT.
We're so messed up. The whole thing.
Today I had the bestest pregnancy related experience since being pregnant. I got to go maternity clothes shopping with my Kimmy. I wonder if she knows that I'm so happy for her to be pregnant that it gives me happy love tears thinking about her having a baby. It was so much fun. Sometimes, just sometimes, going through the maternity section tugs at my heartstrings and makes that insatiable ache begin. But not today! Today we celebrated Kim and her baby bump. She makes me cry from laughing so hard. I love her so much. I should write a I LOVE KIM page, and then I'd need to write a I LOVE MICHELLE page too, and I think I've almost used up all my words now, LUCKY YOU!
Have you SEEN the moon? HOLY CRAP, it's enormous and incredible. We talk about the moon rising and setting, when it's US moving...we're in space! We are a planet in space, moving all the time. We have a moon. We're so cool. : ) We're moving through time and space and we act like it all revolves around US. We forget how enormous this whole space is.
Okay. I'm done now.
NIGHTY NIGHT!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
And NOW i remember...
At least it's immediate, my remembering. I remember now why I haven't done that before. I have never submitted anything because WHO would read it? I mean, there are MILLIONS and MILLIONS of books out there, how the hell...why would anyone ever pick MINE? Why would anyone...
UGH. It's overwhelming, the amount of stuff out there.
Oh well. No pressure. It's nothing I HAVE to persue. However, having said that...well, gosh- no harm in going for it either, right? Isn't that my big thing right now? Finding out what I want to be when I grow up? I love writing I can count the number of people who have urged me to really write on both hands.
Hm. Oh well. I'll just lay low and see what happens. DEAL!
UGH. It's overwhelming, the amount of stuff out there.
Oh well. No pressure. It's nothing I HAVE to persue. However, having said that...well, gosh- no harm in going for it either, right? Isn't that my big thing right now? Finding out what I want to be when I grow up? I love writing I can count the number of people who have urged me to really write on both hands.
Hm. Oh well. I'll just lay low and see what happens. DEAL!
HA! I did it!
I know WAY better- the reason I've never even tried to have anything published before is because I am fully aware that everyone gets rejected a million times before getting accepted.
But regardless of that, I just submitted my story to a publisher. And I'll keep submitting it this morning and see what happens, just for fun.
Yikes.
DOUBLE YIKES!!!!!
Someone is going to read that!!!
I guess it's easier that it's someone I don't know.
But regardless of that, I just submitted my story to a publisher. And I'll keep submitting it this morning and see what happens, just for fun.
Yikes.
DOUBLE YIKES!!!!!
Someone is going to read that!!!
I guess it's easier that it's someone I don't know.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Sometimes, *I* amaze me.
Okay, I'm going to say something that a person isn't suposed to say, but HOLY CRAP, I just blew myself away re-reading a story I'd written. I've let exactly 2 people I konw read it, and i will NEVER EVER let anyone else that I know read it, so don't even try to get me to, but JESUS H.
I bet it would get published. I know it would. This weekend, I'm going to send it somewhere. I barely remembered the details of the thing and reading it FLOORED me. THAT came out of ME?! Holy hell!!!! What the hell have I been sitting on that for?
Both people who read it said the same thing, but I kinda just assume they say the nice and right thing, but NO, No, I have something. GOOD LORD!
Nighty Night!
I bet it would get published. I know it would. This weekend, I'm going to send it somewhere. I barely remembered the details of the thing and reading it FLOORED me. THAT came out of ME?! Holy hell!!!! What the hell have I been sitting on that for?
Both people who read it said the same thing, but I kinda just assume they say the nice and right thing, but NO, No, I have something. GOOD LORD!
Nighty Night!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Girlin OUT!
The Notebook, and a Symphony Bar....seriously. I should go throw on a dress, some high heels, and lipstick.
I Love...
I love being the house that everyone stops by to say hi, unannounced.
I love that the kids are used to everyone stopping by to say hi unannounced.
I love living this close to the school.
I love being a pick up place for my niece and for the kids' friends.
I love the Symphony bar Cullen brought home for me today.
I love the Pesto Pasta he brought home for me today, too.
I love how hard he is working to make it "worth it" to me to wait up for him to get off of work, when I would have done it anyway.
I love Nick Kershaw.
I love Josh's hystercial laughter.
I love that kids hilarious sense of humor. It's way beyond 6 years old.
I love mid day naps.
I love being on top of the game.
I love all the laundry being caught up. It won't last but I love it for now.
I love vanilla.
I love cherry blossoms and spring and all things green, cept boogs.
I love sleeping all night long with no interruptions.
I love horrifying the kids.
I love Wil. We'd be great friends outside of work.
I love Wendy dreams.
I love my recurring dreams, cept for the tunnel one where the tunnel gets get smaller and smaller..ick.
I love baby squirrels.
I love the smell of apples.
I love the apple orchard in the fall.
I love horses.
I love Weezer!!!
I love seeing Tayler, and remembering when she lived in her mom's stomach and seeing how old she is now and watching my babies play with her.
I love challenging people's ideas about what is so.
I love that the kids are used to everyone stopping by to say hi unannounced.
I love living this close to the school.
I love being a pick up place for my niece and for the kids' friends.
I love the Symphony bar Cullen brought home for me today.
I love the Pesto Pasta he brought home for me today, too.
I love how hard he is working to make it "worth it" to me to wait up for him to get off of work, when I would have done it anyway.
I love Nick Kershaw.
I love Josh's hystercial laughter.
I love that kids hilarious sense of humor. It's way beyond 6 years old.
I love mid day naps.
I love being on top of the game.
I love all the laundry being caught up. It won't last but I love it for now.
I love vanilla.
I love cherry blossoms and spring and all things green, cept boogs.
I love sleeping all night long with no interruptions.
I love horrifying the kids.
I love Wil. We'd be great friends outside of work.
I love Wendy dreams.
I love my recurring dreams, cept for the tunnel one where the tunnel gets get smaller and smaller..ick.
I love baby squirrels.
I love the smell of apples.
I love the apple orchard in the fall.
I love horses.
I love Weezer!!!
I love seeing Tayler, and remembering when she lived in her mom's stomach and seeing how old she is now and watching my babies play with her.
I love challenging people's ideas about what is so.
MOVEMENT!
Margaret from the U called me- she's in charge of the Paired Exchange program, and I'd called Linda to tell her that I'd be interested in participating since I have no stock in who my kidney goes to! WHOOO HOOOOO!!!!
She wanted to touch base with me- she was very excited as there was a meeting on Monday regarding it. They are new to the program (the U is..), I think they've done one paired exchange so far. The surgery is no different at all- only the list they will choose from. That's the hard part of the decision.
There is a Paired Exchange list- these are people needing a kidney, who have a donor who is willing but incompatible. They will do a tissue match to see if anyone on that list matches me. I would then donate to that person, and they would find a compatible recipient for the other donor- TWO people get kidneys. It has the potential to keep going, of course, because if the other donor gives to a recipient they match, who also had an incompatible donor, that donor could be matched with another recipient....see?
But, the sad part is that not everyone is on the paired exchange list...only those who have a willing but incompatible donor.
Gate Keeper.
I want to do it just because the potential is there for a chain, and at a minimum TWO people will have new lives.
But gate keeping sucks.
I have to remind myself that there will be different opportunities all the time, for every situation, because it's our gift to make choices. I could donate to one person and that would be the end of the story....or it can continue.
SIGH.
But i'm EXCITED!!! It doesn't sound like I have to wait 3 months. YIPPEEE!!!!! I'd rather sleep away the winter than the spring.
She wanted to touch base with me- she was very excited as there was a meeting on Monday regarding it. They are new to the program (the U is..), I think they've done one paired exchange so far. The surgery is no different at all- only the list they will choose from. That's the hard part of the decision.
There is a Paired Exchange list- these are people needing a kidney, who have a donor who is willing but incompatible. They will do a tissue match to see if anyone on that list matches me. I would then donate to that person, and they would find a compatible recipient for the other donor- TWO people get kidneys. It has the potential to keep going, of course, because if the other donor gives to a recipient they match, who also had an incompatible donor, that donor could be matched with another recipient....see?
But, the sad part is that not everyone is on the paired exchange list...only those who have a willing but incompatible donor.
Gate Keeper.
I want to do it just because the potential is there for a chain, and at a minimum TWO people will have new lives.
But gate keeping sucks.
I have to remind myself that there will be different opportunities all the time, for every situation, because it's our gift to make choices. I could donate to one person and that would be the end of the story....or it can continue.
SIGH.
But i'm EXCITED!!! It doesn't sound like I have to wait 3 months. YIPPEEE!!!!! I'd rather sleep away the winter than the spring.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
IS CULLEN HOME YET???
11:00pm.
I'm tired. I could go to bed. The moon is shining for me.
But he sounds so sad when he asks if I'm going to bed or not, and I don't get to see him enough, so here I sit.
And wait.
And type.
You'd think I'd wear myself out.
I wonder where a conversation with myself would go?
Hi, Me. How are you?
I'm doing pretty darned good, thanks! I'm a little tired, but it's okay.
Yeah? How was work today?
Good. I thought I'd get a talkin' to, but I didn't. I bet he has something written up on standby though. In fact, I'd bet on that.
How much?
HAHA. I'm not betting against myself, so try again.
You could be cleaning more, you know.
I supose I could, but I'm not going to. It was a busy day, went into the office, mom's birthday, American Idol, getting lamblasted on facebook with political stuff.
You've got a thing against politics?
Well, I don't know. I kind of disregard all of it. Might be stupid of me, but there are far, FAR too many lies in all of it. I'm sure most people start off having good intentions, then they get into whatever position they're in, they find out that everything is bullshit, and bought, and full of lies, and no one really REALLY gets a say in how things go, and there you have it. Then throw in the human factor, and it's just a disaster waiting to happen. My head gets fuzzy and dizzy trying find a clear path that makes any sense at all, so I just stay away from it.
Your inlaws think that's terrible.
Yeah, so do yours. Wasn't it fun telling them we don't vote though?!?! I haven't seen Jane get that animated in a very long time!
Oh, shame on me. All of America is giving me a dirty look.
But i still won't vote. I don't trust anyone near enough to be telling the truth to vote for them.
I know that. That whole system is too jacked for words anyway, and it's not likely to change soon, so what else ya got?
My feet are cold.
I'm hungry.
There's DQ cake in the fridge.
Our taxes are ready to be done, WHOOHOOOO!!!
We're going out to eat with the rents on Saturday, at Doolittles. YUMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!
What will you have?
I'm craving ribs, but I just watched this nightmare on tv about processed meat and I kinda of want to die thinking about how long the things been dead before I eat it. Like summer sausage...exactly how many preservatives were pumped into that mess to make it last a year before it "expires"? HELLS NO. that's horrid! YUCK! Ribs still sound good, but their fish tacos, no lie, are the best thing in the world. EVERYONE should try them. You'll never have them that good again.
Yeah, I said it. I want to eat fish tacos.
BRING IT!
Okay. I'll go now. So sorry for stealing moments of your life that you'll never ever get back. Go on, now!
SMOOCH!
I'm tired. I could go to bed. The moon is shining for me.
But he sounds so sad when he asks if I'm going to bed or not, and I don't get to see him enough, so here I sit.
And wait.
And type.
You'd think I'd wear myself out.
I wonder where a conversation with myself would go?
Hi, Me. How are you?
I'm doing pretty darned good, thanks! I'm a little tired, but it's okay.
Yeah? How was work today?
Good. I thought I'd get a talkin' to, but I didn't. I bet he has something written up on standby though. In fact, I'd bet on that.
How much?
HAHA. I'm not betting against myself, so try again.
You could be cleaning more, you know.
I supose I could, but I'm not going to. It was a busy day, went into the office, mom's birthday, American Idol, getting lamblasted on facebook with political stuff.
You've got a thing against politics?
Well, I don't know. I kind of disregard all of it. Might be stupid of me, but there are far, FAR too many lies in all of it. I'm sure most people start off having good intentions, then they get into whatever position they're in, they find out that everything is bullshit, and bought, and full of lies, and no one really REALLY gets a say in how things go, and there you have it. Then throw in the human factor, and it's just a disaster waiting to happen. My head gets fuzzy and dizzy trying find a clear path that makes any sense at all, so I just stay away from it.
Your inlaws think that's terrible.
Yeah, so do yours. Wasn't it fun telling them we don't vote though?!?! I haven't seen Jane get that animated in a very long time!
Oh, shame on me. All of America is giving me a dirty look.
But i still won't vote. I don't trust anyone near enough to be telling the truth to vote for them.
I know that. That whole system is too jacked for words anyway, and it's not likely to change soon, so what else ya got?
My feet are cold.
I'm hungry.
There's DQ cake in the fridge.
Our taxes are ready to be done, WHOOHOOOO!!!
We're going out to eat with the rents on Saturday, at Doolittles. YUMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!
What will you have?
I'm craving ribs, but I just watched this nightmare on tv about processed meat and I kinda of want to die thinking about how long the things been dead before I eat it. Like summer sausage...exactly how many preservatives were pumped into that mess to make it last a year before it "expires"? HELLS NO. that's horrid! YUCK! Ribs still sound good, but their fish tacos, no lie, are the best thing in the world. EVERYONE should try them. You'll never have them that good again.
Yeah, I said it. I want to eat fish tacos.
BRING IT!
Okay. I'll go now. So sorry for stealing moments of your life that you'll never ever get back. Go on, now!
SMOOCH!
A good Lesson, Early On
The last thing I ever said to my Grampa Boyland was "I love you" before he passed away. I was 15.
It stuck with me.
Isn't that kick ass? I didn't have to wait til I was 46 and losing a parent or something, to get that lesson?
I used it well, too. I've always told people that I love how I feel. So there!
It stuck with me.
Isn't that kick ass? I didn't have to wait til I was 46 and losing a parent or something, to get that lesson?
I used it well, too. I've always told people that I love how I feel. So there!
Sarah
This one is a little bit hard to write about. You know how some people just make your insides feel a certain way? I loved Sarah, but she makes my insides feel sad. Of course I have total control over that, and if I really needed to get over it, I would connect with her and get over it, and I haven't.
Sarah came along sometime in highschool. Must have been around 10th grade or so. she was in one of my classes, and she sat near me. This girl is a fricken RIOT. Still to this day, I'm sure she's mega funny. I like me some funny people, does it show?
She has a younger brother, Matt. She, her dad and mom and Matt all lived on Columbus Ave. It wasn't long before we were hanging out A LOT. Again, she seemed more outgoing than I was, more willing and unafraid of the big, scary world, and I loved that about her. She seemed to really know who she was and she didn't care what anyone else thought, whereas I knew darned well who I was, but I cared too desperately to show the world. Oh, how the world wishes for just a little bit of that now, dontcha World?
We were good girls, too, I might add. There wasn't much funny business going on for us. Just normal girl stuff...going to games, dances, hangin with friends. It was good. Okay...so we had boys, but I mean, in general...GIVE A GIRL A BREAK HERE, geez. :P There was more laughing than anything. And loving. Some of this stuff wasn't easy, and we were going through it together.
Then things got bad in her house. Her parents were splitting up, and it was ugly. What happened next should have really, really been obvious- and it was, I supose....but Sarah started acting out. Suddenly there was lots of drinking, smoking,and Good Lord did she get crabby. And depressed. So far down that I couldn't reach her. It was so sad to not be able to reach her, usually I can. But she was still my funny friend whom I loved. I did feel braver though, and we were still hanging out all the time, so I went ahead and tried some of this and some of that with her. There were some hysterically funny moments that I will never forget, and I'm so thankful that I had her in my life for awhile.
But she started experimenting with things that I was NOT okay with. Turns out "yes Nicki" actually had things she'd say no to, and Sarah was not saying no to them. I stuck around as long as I could, because I knew my Sarah was still in there, but I couldn't keep up with her. The end came when she accused me of stealing her dad's money. She said I was the only one who knew where the money was kept, but that isn't true. I wouldn't dream of it now, and I didn't dream of it then. She had another houseguest or two that spent the night with us often there and I'm positive they could answer to that money, but not I. But she blamed me. That broke my heart into a hundred tiny pieces. Sarah had stood by me, cried for me, during what was the pinnacle of the worst time of my life up to that point, and I cherished her, and she thought I could or would do something like that.
We parted ways.
I made contact with her after I had my shit straightened out, to see how she was doing, and found her nursing her new baby, and ready to party again. I didn't engage with her after that.
My sister is the step mother to that child, so Sarah is still in the picture, but i haven't reconnected with her. Like I said, she brings with her a sad feeling. Partially on her part, and I'm sure part of it was just me at that time, and I'm still reacting to it.
But man, did we have fun. I hope she's doing okay.
Sarah came along sometime in highschool. Must have been around 10th grade or so. she was in one of my classes, and she sat near me. This girl is a fricken RIOT. Still to this day, I'm sure she's mega funny. I like me some funny people, does it show?
She has a younger brother, Matt. She, her dad and mom and Matt all lived on Columbus Ave. It wasn't long before we were hanging out A LOT. Again, she seemed more outgoing than I was, more willing and unafraid of the big, scary world, and I loved that about her. She seemed to really know who she was and she didn't care what anyone else thought, whereas I knew darned well who I was, but I cared too desperately to show the world. Oh, how the world wishes for just a little bit of that now, dontcha World?
We were good girls, too, I might add. There wasn't much funny business going on for us. Just normal girl stuff...going to games, dances, hangin with friends. It was good. Okay...so we had boys, but I mean, in general...GIVE A GIRL A BREAK HERE, geez. :P There was more laughing than anything. And loving. Some of this stuff wasn't easy, and we were going through it together.
Then things got bad in her house. Her parents were splitting up, and it was ugly. What happened next should have really, really been obvious- and it was, I supose....but Sarah started acting out. Suddenly there was lots of drinking, smoking,and Good Lord did she get crabby. And depressed. So far down that I couldn't reach her. It was so sad to not be able to reach her, usually I can. But she was still my funny friend whom I loved. I did feel braver though, and we were still hanging out all the time, so I went ahead and tried some of this and some of that with her. There were some hysterically funny moments that I will never forget, and I'm so thankful that I had her in my life for awhile.
But she started experimenting with things that I was NOT okay with. Turns out "yes Nicki" actually had things she'd say no to, and Sarah was not saying no to them. I stuck around as long as I could, because I knew my Sarah was still in there, but I couldn't keep up with her. The end came when she accused me of stealing her dad's money. She said I was the only one who knew where the money was kept, but that isn't true. I wouldn't dream of it now, and I didn't dream of it then. She had another houseguest or two that spent the night with us often there and I'm positive they could answer to that money, but not I. But she blamed me. That broke my heart into a hundred tiny pieces. Sarah had stood by me, cried for me, during what was the pinnacle of the worst time of my life up to that point, and I cherished her, and she thought I could or would do something like that.
We parted ways.
I made contact with her after I had my shit straightened out, to see how she was doing, and found her nursing her new baby, and ready to party again. I didn't engage with her after that.
My sister is the step mother to that child, so Sarah is still in the picture, but i haven't reconnected with her. Like I said, she brings with her a sad feeling. Partially on her part, and I'm sure part of it was just me at that time, and I'm still reacting to it.
But man, did we have fun. I hope she's doing okay.
Moon River
I DO love the moonlight, so much I don't have words for it, SO TAKE THAT! : ) It tickles me down to my toes when the moon is in the right spot for bedtime. YAY FOR ME.
Tonight, I will share Wendy with you. I LOVE YOU WENDY!!!!!
I totally feel like I've already done this. HAHAHAH! I probably have. If that isn't love, what is?????
I met Wendilyn Irene (heheh! Forgive me, Wendy!) when we were in 6th grade, at ELC. That's where we got to go for a weekend? Was it that long? Anyways- we were both on the top bunks right next to eachother, and she was new and we clicked right away. She was funny from the minute I knew her. We spent lots of time writing notes over that weekend, and laughing. She's written DORK on one of the notes and I'd read DONK, and after laughing, laughing, laughing over it, she became 1/2 Donk while I was 1/4 Donk. Or was it reversed?
We found out that she lived on 73rd and 5th, which is right by mom's house, and we were fairly inseperable. I did much better having a couple of close friends than a bunch of not close ones, and we were close. She, her mom and her 3 sisters lived in what I realize now was a small house. Back then it didn't seem so small. I can't imagine what her mom was going through, raising four GIRLS by herself. I met Wendy's dad, grandma...I knew her family. OH I love Wendy!
We listened to music together and would sing at the top of our lungs as we went between houses. Her neighbors were boys a couple of years younger than us, and we had lots of fun hanging out with them too. She was braver than I was, but she reminded me of my dad in the way that he makes everything seem safe and okay, and I wasn't scared to do anything if I was with Wendy.
We would hang out in the alley behind her house, goofing off. With the radio out there playing Salt N Pepa or Quiet Riot, depending on who we were impressing that day. She was just so funny!
But then...years passed and we started getting older. My Wendy moved, into a bigger house, but on the other side of Richfield. My brave, fearless Wendy grew away from me, experimenting with things that I was far too scared to try. Hanging out with people who weren't afraid. I hate to admit it, but I was heartbroken. I felt like they stole her away, even though I knew better, even then. I would cry in my room, knowing she was out with Heather or Heidi, or Marissa, and I'd hear about things she was doing, and I felt left out and sad. It took me a long time to get over it.
We reconnected once, must have been about 11th grade because by then I'd experienced some of what she had. We talked on the phone for 2 hours, it was so much fun. I went to her house to watch a movie with everyone, and it was fun but it was still clear that we were just...different now.
By 12th grade, I was a size 1, eating disordered, emotionally abused mess. I had no idea how to get out of the horrible relationship I was in, I wanted to disappear and die, and I was waiting for school to be done. Finally, in June, the day that seemed it would never, ever arrive, did. I was free. Free from the hell that was highschool. My problems came with me, of course, but at least the constant scrutiny I felt I was under was over with.
We were coming home from Arkansas for Thanksgiving....well, we arrived home, I should say. The first weird thing was the Eating Disorder book in the door, left by someone for me. I had numerous friends who knew, but it was still comforting. Then the phone rang.
It was Sarah, who I should write about next, on the phone. "Did you hear about Wally?" No...no, I didn't hear about Wally. "She died in a car accident this weekend."
That's alot for a 18 year old to hold in their messed up head....how do I mourn my friend that I wasn't close with anymore, but still loved, when others were closer to her and loved her? Did I have a place in mourning? I knew her whole family, did I get to go and offer them some comfort? What does it mean when an 18 year old dies? What does that feel like?
I did go, of course I went.
And sometimes, when I'm really lucky, I get a Wendy dream. Usually she comes when i'm having my water dream, about the river/stream, she's there. I haven't had a Wendy dream in a long time. But I talk to her still. Just yesterday, I was going through a CJ and found a song that she loved. It has Wendy all over it, and I played it loud and danced around for her to it. I'm a geek like that. I loved her. I haven't forgotten her.
This morning I logged on to the puter, and opened all my windows and there in my yahoo account was a message from Wendy's sister Heidi. She has a Wendy dream, and Wendy needed me to know something. The email was long and beautiful and so full of Wendy. So I carried her around some with me today. God, she was a quirky one. She makes me seem boring.
*smile* well, that's my Wendy. I can call her that now and it's true. SHINE ON, GIRL!
Tonight, I will share Wendy with you. I LOVE YOU WENDY!!!!!
I totally feel like I've already done this. HAHAHAH! I probably have. If that isn't love, what is?????
I met Wendilyn Irene (heheh! Forgive me, Wendy!) when we were in 6th grade, at ELC. That's where we got to go for a weekend? Was it that long? Anyways- we were both on the top bunks right next to eachother, and she was new and we clicked right away. She was funny from the minute I knew her. We spent lots of time writing notes over that weekend, and laughing. She's written DORK on one of the notes and I'd read DONK, and after laughing, laughing, laughing over it, she became 1/2 Donk while I was 1/4 Donk. Or was it reversed?
We found out that she lived on 73rd and 5th, which is right by mom's house, and we were fairly inseperable. I did much better having a couple of close friends than a bunch of not close ones, and we were close. She, her mom and her 3 sisters lived in what I realize now was a small house. Back then it didn't seem so small. I can't imagine what her mom was going through, raising four GIRLS by herself. I met Wendy's dad, grandma...I knew her family. OH I love Wendy!
We listened to music together and would sing at the top of our lungs as we went between houses. Her neighbors were boys a couple of years younger than us, and we had lots of fun hanging out with them too. She was braver than I was, but she reminded me of my dad in the way that he makes everything seem safe and okay, and I wasn't scared to do anything if I was with Wendy.
We would hang out in the alley behind her house, goofing off. With the radio out there playing Salt N Pepa or Quiet Riot, depending on who we were impressing that day. She was just so funny!
But then...years passed and we started getting older. My Wendy moved, into a bigger house, but on the other side of Richfield. My brave, fearless Wendy grew away from me, experimenting with things that I was far too scared to try. Hanging out with people who weren't afraid. I hate to admit it, but I was heartbroken. I felt like they stole her away, even though I knew better, even then. I would cry in my room, knowing she was out with Heather or Heidi, or Marissa, and I'd hear about things she was doing, and I felt left out and sad. It took me a long time to get over it.
We reconnected once, must have been about 11th grade because by then I'd experienced some of what she had. We talked on the phone for 2 hours, it was so much fun. I went to her house to watch a movie with everyone, and it was fun but it was still clear that we were just...different now.
By 12th grade, I was a size 1, eating disordered, emotionally abused mess. I had no idea how to get out of the horrible relationship I was in, I wanted to disappear and die, and I was waiting for school to be done. Finally, in June, the day that seemed it would never, ever arrive, did. I was free. Free from the hell that was highschool. My problems came with me, of course, but at least the constant scrutiny I felt I was under was over with.
We were coming home from Arkansas for Thanksgiving....well, we arrived home, I should say. The first weird thing was the Eating Disorder book in the door, left by someone for me. I had numerous friends who knew, but it was still comforting. Then the phone rang.
It was Sarah, who I should write about next, on the phone. "Did you hear about Wally?" No...no, I didn't hear about Wally. "She died in a car accident this weekend."
That's alot for a 18 year old to hold in their messed up head....how do I mourn my friend that I wasn't close with anymore, but still loved, when others were closer to her and loved her? Did I have a place in mourning? I knew her whole family, did I get to go and offer them some comfort? What does it mean when an 18 year old dies? What does that feel like?
I did go, of course I went.
And sometimes, when I'm really lucky, I get a Wendy dream. Usually she comes when i'm having my water dream, about the river/stream, she's there. I haven't had a Wendy dream in a long time. But I talk to her still. Just yesterday, I was going through a CJ and found a song that she loved. It has Wendy all over it, and I played it loud and danced around for her to it. I'm a geek like that. I loved her. I haven't forgotten her.
This morning I logged on to the puter, and opened all my windows and there in my yahoo account was a message from Wendy's sister Heidi. She has a Wendy dream, and Wendy needed me to know something. The email was long and beautiful and so full of Wendy. So I carried her around some with me today. God, she was a quirky one. She makes me seem boring.
*smile* well, that's my Wendy. I can call her that now and it's true. SHINE ON, GIRL!
TWITCH!
It's coming! It's coming! I'm getting all twitchy on the inside. It's been starting, and I've been holding it at bay. The sunshine has helped, but then last night, full force, and what wasn't full force was today after a little talk with Dave brought me to my knees:
The Dead Of Winter
Last night Conan, whom I do not watch, had Tony Bennett on. I love him. I'm such a geek, but all that music is just my favorite. So I watched him singing. Do you know what he was singing? SOME CHRISTMAS SHIT. My problem with this is that IT ISN"T CHRISTMAS. Christmas JUST passed so it isn't even like when it's November 1st and you hear your first Christmas song on the radio and it pulls on you. No. No, it made me feel desperately sad that Christmas is gone, and there is NOTHING- no hope of spring for months yet....NOTHING. Today, the sun is out and it helps, it really does. But the thought of the smell of puddles, of the green starting to poke through the stagnant ground....it makes me ache terribly inside. The blue sky, the air that smells like LIFE and HOPE.
Dave is going to Jamaica in March. He still has 4 weeks to wait but just knowing that he's going somewhere warm. Last year, I swore that we'd take a vacation in February, somewhere warm, because each year it seems to hurt a little more til I feel like begging for spring. And here we are, and we are NOT going on vacation. My vacation will come in the form of being in a hospital for hopefully 2 days (that means that for 2 days I won't have to cook or do anything for anyone but me!). We'll go to the North Shore in April like normal, and that does help TONS but that's MONTHS AWAY.
I need it NOW! I'm glad the sun is out, blue sky is here.
But I can't promise I'm going to make it.
I don't even know what NOT making it encompasses.
Hopefully I'll just...make it.
My father in law called today, and said he needed a Nicki Fix. My aunt is the only one who asks for that. I'm used to getting the opposite. Like my sister shuushing me because my exuberance is too much for her. And all the other non sense. He must be very, very sad. He can be my love note today. I'll go do it now. Dear God, help me say it all right. Cullen's mom fell last night, and she's pretty sick right now. Every day is a gift, but it would be tremendously hard to see it day in and out. UGH!
SPRING!!! GET HERE SOON!
The Dead Of Winter
Last night Conan, whom I do not watch, had Tony Bennett on. I love him. I'm such a geek, but all that music is just my favorite. So I watched him singing. Do you know what he was singing? SOME CHRISTMAS SHIT. My problem with this is that IT ISN"T CHRISTMAS. Christmas JUST passed so it isn't even like when it's November 1st and you hear your first Christmas song on the radio and it pulls on you. No. No, it made me feel desperately sad that Christmas is gone, and there is NOTHING- no hope of spring for months yet....NOTHING. Today, the sun is out and it helps, it really does. But the thought of the smell of puddles, of the green starting to poke through the stagnant ground....it makes me ache terribly inside. The blue sky, the air that smells like LIFE and HOPE.
Dave is going to Jamaica in March. He still has 4 weeks to wait but just knowing that he's going somewhere warm. Last year, I swore that we'd take a vacation in February, somewhere warm, because each year it seems to hurt a little more til I feel like begging for spring. And here we are, and we are NOT going on vacation. My vacation will come in the form of being in a hospital for hopefully 2 days (that means that for 2 days I won't have to cook or do anything for anyone but me!). We'll go to the North Shore in April like normal, and that does help TONS but that's MONTHS AWAY.
I need it NOW! I'm glad the sun is out, blue sky is here.
But I can't promise I'm going to make it.
I don't even know what NOT making it encompasses.
Hopefully I'll just...make it.
My father in law called today, and said he needed a Nicki Fix. My aunt is the only one who asks for that. I'm used to getting the opposite. Like my sister shuushing me because my exuberance is too much for her. And all the other non sense. He must be very, very sad. He can be my love note today. I'll go do it now. Dear God, help me say it all right. Cullen's mom fell last night, and she's pretty sick right now. Every day is a gift, but it would be tremendously hard to see it day in and out. UGH!
SPRING!!! GET HERE SOON!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Funny....
I'm having one of those moments when being me really kinda stinks. These different things are warring against eachother inside and I don't know who wins.
I didn't mean to post anything to hear back how AMAZING I am. It doesn't even feel like anyone is talking about me when they say that. In one big run on sentence, I bet I could convince everyone how unamazing I am. I bet I could tell people things that would actually lose me friends. That isn't why I post it. I post it because I am that excited and that's as close to shouting it from the rooftops as I can get for one, and because the only way that people realize they have the ability to do something is to hear about someone else doing it. No one is sitting around and is suddenly struck with "Hey. I can donate bone marrow. or blood. Or a kidney." These things come up in the paper or on the radio, or because someone you know is doing it. But there's no way to say that without sounding more like "no, really (yes, keep it coming)", ya know? I'm not the first one to want to do this and I won't be the last one. I honestly am a fairly unremarkable person overall. It's just that sometimes it's easier to look at other peoples problems/issues/lives and focus on those rather than looking at mine and being upset by whatever I perceive isn't "good". That's all. it's quite effective too. HA.
We have an albino squirrel in the backyard. She's pretty! I want to pet her.
Dinner coming out of the oven. YAY. The kids are so cute playing together, Julia and Jordan get so excited, even though the noise goes UP -A LOT. Sigh. Hopefully tonight will be a good eating night for all of them. : )
don't try to bleed me, I've been here before
and I deserve a little morrrrrreeeeee
I belong in the service of the queen
I belong anywhere but inbetween
She's been drinking and I've been lying
and I am the rain king.
I didn't mean to post anything to hear back how AMAZING I am. It doesn't even feel like anyone is talking about me when they say that. In one big run on sentence, I bet I could convince everyone how unamazing I am. I bet I could tell people things that would actually lose me friends. That isn't why I post it. I post it because I am that excited and that's as close to shouting it from the rooftops as I can get for one, and because the only way that people realize they have the ability to do something is to hear about someone else doing it. No one is sitting around and is suddenly struck with "Hey. I can donate bone marrow. or blood. Or a kidney." These things come up in the paper or on the radio, or because someone you know is doing it. But there's no way to say that without sounding more like "no, really (yes, keep it coming)", ya know? I'm not the first one to want to do this and I won't be the last one. I honestly am a fairly unremarkable person overall. It's just that sometimes it's easier to look at other peoples problems/issues/lives and focus on those rather than looking at mine and being upset by whatever I perceive isn't "good". That's all. it's quite effective too. HA.
We have an albino squirrel in the backyard. She's pretty! I want to pet her.
Dinner coming out of the oven. YAY. The kids are so cute playing together, Julia and Jordan get so excited, even though the noise goes UP -A LOT. Sigh. Hopefully tonight will be a good eating night for all of them. : )
don't try to bleed me, I've been here before
and I deserve a little morrrrrreeeeee
I belong in the service of the queen
I belong anywhere but inbetween
She's been drinking and I've been lying
and I am the rain king.
I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!
NO, REALLY! I CAN DO IT! LINDA THE COORDINATOR SAYS I CAN DO IT! I CAN DONATE! I PASSED! I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!!!!
Next they will match me with whoever matches me the bestest...they still have decisions to make. I wouldn't like their job of gate keeper, would you? Which person's life will get better....? I'd hate looking over the options and having to pick.
BUT! Someone, somewhere is tired right now, and not feeling that great. Their arms are tired and they probably have more health issues because their blood isn't that clean. And GUESS WHAT! They are going to get a phone call in the next few days that will change EVERYTHING for their WHOLE FAMILY! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!
I GET TO DO IT! I GET TO DO IT! I GET TO DO IT! I GET TO DO IT! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!
Next they will match me with whoever matches me the bestest...they still have decisions to make. I wouldn't like their job of gate keeper, would you? Which person's life will get better....? I'd hate looking over the options and having to pick.
BUT! Someone, somewhere is tired right now, and not feeling that great. Their arms are tired and they probably have more health issues because their blood isn't that clean. And GUESS WHAT! They are going to get a phone call in the next few days that will change EVERYTHING for their WHOLE FAMILY! I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!
I GET TO DO IT! I GET TO DO IT! I GET TO DO IT! I GET TO DO IT! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!
Monday, January 25, 2010
*warning* Novel ahead!
I have a full head today. IMAGINE THAT! :P
There's lots of stuff to think about. Where, or where shall I start?
1. I don't hate Cullen anymore. There is something that I thought of yesterday, even when I was still shooting mental daggers at him, and I used it today. But not right away, no! It was beautiful, when I remembered my thought from yesterday, THEN I used it. Do you wish to see futher inside my whack job female head? You didn't protest loud enough to stop me, so get ready.
I was upset because he insulted rudely my housekeeping last week. I was gone 3 days of the week and I admittedly slacked a little. I only did a few loads of laundry, I didn't clean the house very much, and I tried to avoid cooking if I could. It was like a vacation for me, but he was not appreciative. He was also very hard on the kids, and pointed to me as the problem. Like I am not superneat and now my 8, 6, 5 and 3 year old aren't all that neat. I personally think they are doing amazing, for being such young kids, but he does not. I would have LOVED to have seen how he was, having FIVE siblings, growing up. But anyways...it really, REALLY bothers me because he truly couldn't handle taking care of the house and kids for a few weeks when I had the hyst, and I do that AND keep a job...all the damned time, so I feel like if I slack now and then, he shouldn't care. And it gets me so worked up that I go into single parent mode, which means I just don't count on him for anything at all. Which I normally don't anyway, but it's still different. I just count him out for everything or anything. It's not TERRIBLE do to this (for me) now and then because it does reassure me that I can make it on my own with the kids. That probably sounds bad, but he'd be screwed without me because I take care of everything, and I prefer the feeling of not being screwed if for some reason I'd be left to my own devices with the kids. Please know what I mean! I don't think I can do any better than that. Doing it, of course, requires me to emotionally shut him out, which is what I did. Yesterday I thought about apologizing, but found that I didn't feel like it yet. And there was a part of me that wondered if I DID, if he would accept it and let us move on or if he'd keep being an asshat. Worrying that he'd keep being an asshat helped me decide that I wasn't apologizing this time. Because (lightbulb!!!) it would give him the power to keep looking down at me and poking his finger at me, telling me what I don't do well enough for him sometimes. I was disgusted with him for it- well, disgusted with the idea that he might use that power if i granted it to him, and I thought to myself "That's shitty. The next time someone apologizes to me for something, I owe it to them to accept the apology and move on." Because I am no better than anyone else, and neither is anyone else better than me. Except for you, of course. HAHAHAHAH!
SO! Today finally Cullen brings up the terrific weekend (ha!)and apologized. I said sorry too, but I was still feeling a bit like SCREW YOU. But that is when I caught myself! I thought "It isn't fair to keep being an lucy wench to him when he is sincerely sorry that we fought so! I'm using the power and it isn't meant to be used that way!" And that is when I just...let it go. I let it go! I stopped being so irritated. I can move on from it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that another week will come when I am just so tired out that I will slack, and I'll give him another chance to poke at me about it. :) I'm very happy that this happened though because for as far as I feel I've come in understanding human nature and discovering more and more of ME, I've struggled when it comes to Cullen because all of my emotions are BIGGER, of course, with him. And sometimes we seem to be in such different places and I wonder how in the world I'm to apply anything I "know" to this relationship. And today, I did it. Yay me. 50 points.
Whew.
2. I truly have got to decide what I am going to do in a couple of years. I'm finding it easier to decide what I do NOT want to do. I do NOT wish to go to school again. I would consider it for a minute if I could take classes on what I am interested in and not have any of the required bs to take. That is just OUT for me. I'm not interested in climbing a corporate ladder. I'm not interested in sitting at a desk. I love people, and animals. I love music. I love helping. I love being a part of something. I would love to open my mother in laws caramel roll coffee shop. I mean, seriously- they are the best EVER. And I could have a drive through, to help with the morning rush, but I could make it yummy inside for the people coming in. Like a log cabin, and the smell! YUM! Who wouldn't feel better coming out of there? Is that what I want? Work in a zoo with animals...I'd have so much fun it's ridiculous. I just don't know. Do I want to do foster care? Would that satisfy my need to do something and love on kids? Would it break my heart when the kids leave? I can handle alot where emotions are concerned, but I don't know if I could handle dealing with birthparents that keep making mistakes. But those kids are already out there in the world, and they have to deal with their birthparents no matter what, you know? I could be the safe place for them to rest. UGH, but we can't forget the behavioral issues that would land here too. And honestly- my 4 kids do wear me out PLENTY right now. I like being able to pay them enough attention. And THAT gets stretched sometimes when I'm trying to work at the same time as parent. So I'm not sure. Daycare has never sounded overly good to me either. I just do not know. But I'm getting there. I've always thought it would be fun to get paid to write too, but who'd buy it and what would I write? I rock at short stories but I get lost in long ones. Novels would just never happen. But I do know this: I'm going to need to have something in the works to get me where I'm going. Soon. My job has been wonderful, and I'm positive I could keep at it, but my restlessness suggests that I could do something, when the time comes, that satisfies me in a way I haven't been satisfied by a job in a long time. We'll see. That's still a couple of years away, which is GOOD since I am still so ambivelant about what it is I want to choose.
3. Love.
My friend Angie said it best, and it sounds dirty but I understood what she meant. She said "Love is fluid." We were discussing homosexuality and marriage at the time, and how stupid it is to have laws against certain people getting married. And the idea that when you get married, you are *suposed* to never love anyone else like you love your husband/wife ever again. I disagree. I think you should love everyone the same way. I understand the sexual limitations, but COME ON!!!! I have a darling friend who feels left out because he hasn't found anyone he loves so much he wants to marry, and he has no children yet. I know that the grass is always greener on the other side, but love IS fluid. It can't be contained in just a family. Is there anything better than connecting with other people? How much have I learned from my friends that I love so much? I'm learning constantly. That we are all different, that we are all the same, that we can all take different paths and end up in the same spot anyway, that love is bigger than any issue out there, that we're never alone even when we feel like we are. Love can't be kept! You can't fence it. Maybe our divorce rate wouldn't be so high if we'd allow eachother....well, I don't know. Our marriage partners should be held in high regard, with the utmost respect since they are indeed our marriage partners...but the more I type the more I see how some of this can lead to trouble. Because to love someone is to share yourself with them openly- emotionally, and I guess I can see that that could lead to wanting to spend more time with them, get physical, blah blah blah. If we stupid humans could keep that part in check more, I think we have the world to gain. I think if we could manage to resist that, but were free to spend time with one another, whoever it may be, we would indeed have the world to gain from it. That's so easy for me to say though because I don't think I'm the jealous type. I wonder if I am and I just don't know it. I think the most jealous I've felt regarding Cullen is when I was way pregnant and he was in his friends wedding. I was not in the mood to go to a wedding where I would not know anyone, and i was ready to pop and it was hot out, blah blah blah. He was walking down the aisle with an ex girlfriend. You'd think that that would have made me want to go "Look at me! Carrying his 2nd child!" but it did the opposite. I felt left out because I couldn't drink (which would have helped, not knowing anyone), I was tired out by 8pm, etc. I don't know if that was jealousy as much- not of a girl anyway. I'm the dingbat that cheers when he gets hit on, or some girl chats him up. And I think that if he had any female friends, that they'd be my friends too. It might be good for me to see what that feels like since I know he's felt jealous plenty. My darling husband has felt it plenty. He deals with it better now than he used to, YAY. I don't mean to make him feel jealous, but I love people. I love my girlfriends as much as my male friends, but that doesn't make him jealous. Just hopeful and slightly horny. HAHHAHAHA! I'm just kidding. :)
4. Do my dreams count? Now that I have kids and am a parent, does what *I* want to do even actually count? This goes kinda with #2, because I feel partially guilty for planning and even (gulp) looking forward to the time when they will all be in school and I can REALLY focus on me and what I want to do, wish to do, hope to do. I've managed to merge what makes me tick with things that I want to let them experience, at least through me if not themselves...Hm. I just answered my own question. I am the best parent I can possibly be when I am fulfilled. When my cup runneth over, they benefit from it. So never mind. May I keep finding ways to refill my cup over and over and over.
I really could get a business plan in place and work out the kinks for a couple of years, you know that? I really could. I know that Kim and Cullen would want to be a part of it also. Hm. And I have the time for this right now. Well, kinda. HAHAH!
I miss Michael Hutchenson. I love him. I love all song writers that get the job done.
He's singing Disappear to me right now. Dreamy.
Did I puke it all out?
WHEN WILL I KNOW ABOUT MY KIDNEY? I'll be so happy to not be waiting.
I wonder what I could do for someone for fun? Anonymously? That's the best, you know. And it can be something so small. I could kill some time tomorrow with that. Waiting for the phone to ring. Maybe I'll make a love note for my friend who came over today. That's not anonymous but that's okay. It's my mom's birthday Wednesday....that helps. I gotta find something to give her/make her that will show her how much I love her. Parents are hard because they have everything. Flowers are pretty, but they die. I've written her love notes. There must be something!
Maybe I'll write JM the love note now. I must be running out of things to do. Nothing on TV, listening to music....dreading going to bed by myself, but I'm not sure I will make it til Cullen gets home.
We're soul alone, and soul really matters to me.- Hall and Oates
Wouldn't it be fun to be able to throw your arms around the world?!
There's lots of stuff to think about. Where, or where shall I start?
1. I don't hate Cullen anymore. There is something that I thought of yesterday, even when I was still shooting mental daggers at him, and I used it today. But not right away, no! It was beautiful, when I remembered my thought from yesterday, THEN I used it. Do you wish to see futher inside my whack job female head? You didn't protest loud enough to stop me, so get ready.
I was upset because he insulted rudely my housekeeping last week. I was gone 3 days of the week and I admittedly slacked a little. I only did a few loads of laundry, I didn't clean the house very much, and I tried to avoid cooking if I could. It was like a vacation for me, but he was not appreciative. He was also very hard on the kids, and pointed to me as the problem. Like I am not superneat and now my 8, 6, 5 and 3 year old aren't all that neat. I personally think they are doing amazing, for being such young kids, but he does not. I would have LOVED to have seen how he was, having FIVE siblings, growing up. But anyways...it really, REALLY bothers me because he truly couldn't handle taking care of the house and kids for a few weeks when I had the hyst, and I do that AND keep a job...all the damned time, so I feel like if I slack now and then, he shouldn't care. And it gets me so worked up that I go into single parent mode, which means I just don't count on him for anything at all. Which I normally don't anyway, but it's still different. I just count him out for everything or anything. It's not TERRIBLE do to this (for me) now and then because it does reassure me that I can make it on my own with the kids. That probably sounds bad, but he'd be screwed without me because I take care of everything, and I prefer the feeling of not being screwed if for some reason I'd be left to my own devices with the kids. Please know what I mean! I don't think I can do any better than that. Doing it, of course, requires me to emotionally shut him out, which is what I did. Yesterday I thought about apologizing, but found that I didn't feel like it yet. And there was a part of me that wondered if I DID, if he would accept it and let us move on or if he'd keep being an asshat. Worrying that he'd keep being an asshat helped me decide that I wasn't apologizing this time. Because (lightbulb!!!) it would give him the power to keep looking down at me and poking his finger at me, telling me what I don't do well enough for him sometimes. I was disgusted with him for it- well, disgusted with the idea that he might use that power if i granted it to him, and I thought to myself "That's shitty. The next time someone apologizes to me for something, I owe it to them to accept the apology and move on." Because I am no better than anyone else, and neither is anyone else better than me. Except for you, of course. HAHAHAHAH!
SO! Today finally Cullen brings up the terrific weekend (ha!)and apologized. I said sorry too, but I was still feeling a bit like SCREW YOU. But that is when I caught myself! I thought "It isn't fair to keep being an lucy wench to him when he is sincerely sorry that we fought so! I'm using the power and it isn't meant to be used that way!" And that is when I just...let it go. I let it go! I stopped being so irritated. I can move on from it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that another week will come when I am just so tired out that I will slack, and I'll give him another chance to poke at me about it. :) I'm very happy that this happened though because for as far as I feel I've come in understanding human nature and discovering more and more of ME, I've struggled when it comes to Cullen because all of my emotions are BIGGER, of course, with him. And sometimes we seem to be in such different places and I wonder how in the world I'm to apply anything I "know" to this relationship. And today, I did it. Yay me. 50 points.
Whew.
2. I truly have got to decide what I am going to do in a couple of years. I'm finding it easier to decide what I do NOT want to do. I do NOT wish to go to school again. I would consider it for a minute if I could take classes on what I am interested in and not have any of the required bs to take. That is just OUT for me. I'm not interested in climbing a corporate ladder. I'm not interested in sitting at a desk. I love people, and animals. I love music. I love helping. I love being a part of something. I would love to open my mother in laws caramel roll coffee shop. I mean, seriously- they are the best EVER. And I could have a drive through, to help with the morning rush, but I could make it yummy inside for the people coming in. Like a log cabin, and the smell! YUM! Who wouldn't feel better coming out of there? Is that what I want? Work in a zoo with animals...I'd have so much fun it's ridiculous. I just don't know. Do I want to do foster care? Would that satisfy my need to do something and love on kids? Would it break my heart when the kids leave? I can handle alot where emotions are concerned, but I don't know if I could handle dealing with birthparents that keep making mistakes. But those kids are already out there in the world, and they have to deal with their birthparents no matter what, you know? I could be the safe place for them to rest. UGH, but we can't forget the behavioral issues that would land here too. And honestly- my 4 kids do wear me out PLENTY right now. I like being able to pay them enough attention. And THAT gets stretched sometimes when I'm trying to work at the same time as parent. So I'm not sure. Daycare has never sounded overly good to me either. I just do not know. But I'm getting there. I've always thought it would be fun to get paid to write too, but who'd buy it and what would I write? I rock at short stories but I get lost in long ones. Novels would just never happen. But I do know this: I'm going to need to have something in the works to get me where I'm going. Soon. My job has been wonderful, and I'm positive I could keep at it, but my restlessness suggests that I could do something, when the time comes, that satisfies me in a way I haven't been satisfied by a job in a long time. We'll see. That's still a couple of years away, which is GOOD since I am still so ambivelant about what it is I want to choose.
3. Love.
My friend Angie said it best, and it sounds dirty but I understood what she meant. She said "Love is fluid." We were discussing homosexuality and marriage at the time, and how stupid it is to have laws against certain people getting married. And the idea that when you get married, you are *suposed* to never love anyone else like you love your husband/wife ever again. I disagree. I think you should love everyone the same way. I understand the sexual limitations, but COME ON!!!! I have a darling friend who feels left out because he hasn't found anyone he loves so much he wants to marry, and he has no children yet. I know that the grass is always greener on the other side, but love IS fluid. It can't be contained in just a family. Is there anything better than connecting with other people? How much have I learned from my friends that I love so much? I'm learning constantly. That we are all different, that we are all the same, that we can all take different paths and end up in the same spot anyway, that love is bigger than any issue out there, that we're never alone even when we feel like we are. Love can't be kept! You can't fence it. Maybe our divorce rate wouldn't be so high if we'd allow eachother....well, I don't know. Our marriage partners should be held in high regard, with the utmost respect since they are indeed our marriage partners...but the more I type the more I see how some of this can lead to trouble. Because to love someone is to share yourself with them openly- emotionally, and I guess I can see that that could lead to wanting to spend more time with them, get physical, blah blah blah. If we stupid humans could keep that part in check more, I think we have the world to gain. I think if we could manage to resist that, but were free to spend time with one another, whoever it may be, we would indeed have the world to gain from it. That's so easy for me to say though because I don't think I'm the jealous type. I wonder if I am and I just don't know it. I think the most jealous I've felt regarding Cullen is when I was way pregnant and he was in his friends wedding. I was not in the mood to go to a wedding where I would not know anyone, and i was ready to pop and it was hot out, blah blah blah. He was walking down the aisle with an ex girlfriend. You'd think that that would have made me want to go "Look at me! Carrying his 2nd child!" but it did the opposite. I felt left out because I couldn't drink (which would have helped, not knowing anyone), I was tired out by 8pm, etc. I don't know if that was jealousy as much- not of a girl anyway. I'm the dingbat that cheers when he gets hit on, or some girl chats him up. And I think that if he had any female friends, that they'd be my friends too. It might be good for me to see what that feels like since I know he's felt jealous plenty. My darling husband has felt it plenty. He deals with it better now than he used to, YAY. I don't mean to make him feel jealous, but I love people. I love my girlfriends as much as my male friends, but that doesn't make him jealous. Just hopeful and slightly horny. HAHHAHAHA! I'm just kidding. :)
4. Do my dreams count? Now that I have kids and am a parent, does what *I* want to do even actually count? This goes kinda with #2, because I feel partially guilty for planning and even (gulp) looking forward to the time when they will all be in school and I can REALLY focus on me and what I want to do, wish to do, hope to do. I've managed to merge what makes me tick with things that I want to let them experience, at least through me if not themselves...Hm. I just answered my own question. I am the best parent I can possibly be when I am fulfilled. When my cup runneth over, they benefit from it. So never mind. May I keep finding ways to refill my cup over and over and over.
I really could get a business plan in place and work out the kinks for a couple of years, you know that? I really could. I know that Kim and Cullen would want to be a part of it also. Hm. And I have the time for this right now. Well, kinda. HAHAH!
I miss Michael Hutchenson. I love him. I love all song writers that get the job done.
He's singing Disappear to me right now. Dreamy.
Did I puke it all out?
WHEN WILL I KNOW ABOUT MY KIDNEY? I'll be so happy to not be waiting.
I wonder what I could do for someone for fun? Anonymously? That's the best, you know. And it can be something so small. I could kill some time tomorrow with that. Waiting for the phone to ring. Maybe I'll make a love note for my friend who came over today. That's not anonymous but that's okay. It's my mom's birthday Wednesday....that helps. I gotta find something to give her/make her that will show her how much I love her. Parents are hard because they have everything. Flowers are pretty, but they die. I've written her love notes. There must be something!
Maybe I'll write JM the love note now. I must be running out of things to do. Nothing on TV, listening to music....dreading going to bed by myself, but I'm not sure I will make it til Cullen gets home.
We're soul alone, and soul really matters to me.- Hall and Oates
Wouldn't it be fun to be able to throw your arms around the world?!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
What Will I do?
MFJ (stands for My Favorite Jamie) asked me a very important question tonight, one that I really need to hold on to and think about.
She asked me what I am going to do if I get told no about the kidney.
Did I tell you my dream last night?
I was told no.
And I was torn, as Linda was explaining why they said no to me, what my numbers indicated and what it would mean for me, I was torn between laughing in disbelief and trying not to cry.
I woke myself up, with tears on my cheeks and total relief that it wasn't real.
It was "just" a dream.
Did I tell you about when I dreamed I'd go into the 5th floor potty and find blood, and have a miscarriage, and the next day it happened?
Therefore, although I am mostly convinced that I am going to get to do it, and really there is no reason that I couldn't...what IF.
It's going to send me for a tailspin.
There is nothing suckier than being in a tailspin with 4 kids and a full time job to stay composed for.
I hated when it happened with the surrogacy. I had 6 kids at the time...my surrogate friend was having her transfer done, so I had her kiddos over...and the phone rang, and it was Kim, who has the horrid job of telling surrogates bad news.
I was so sad, I couldn't stop crying.
Then the knock came on the door. A realtor with clients to see the house which hadn't been cleaned because no one had called. 6 kids, a broken heart, and a realtor with clients.
I'm not kidding when i say that this was all within 5 minutes of me hanging up the phone with Kim.
So I pulled the kids out of the house, apologizing for the mayhem they were about to see, and we walked around the block while I wiped tears off my face on the back of my sleeve every so often.
It took me a little while to get over that. I don't know how I did start to move past it. But I do know that nothing keeps me down for too long. I'm not built that way. That's the good news.
But what WILL I do?
MFJ suggested I become a serial blood donater, which I could totally do. I could do plasma or platelets or whatever is a couple of times a week. Yes. If this doesn't work out, I'll do that and then I'll find another project that grabs me.
Hopefully I'll just GET TO. That will save all of us from...me. Kinda. : )
I'm still a Lucy Wench Wife. Ask MFJ how mean I am to Cullen when I'm crabby. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! : ) It's all good. Eventually my mind will find a way to stop being so irritated.
I drank a beer today. Now I'm snoozy.
I have to say that I make some kick ass smoothies, ya'll!
Stupid football. Someday I'll tell you why I hate football so much. I can tolerate it when I'm watching it with normal people who don't act like their lives depend on the outcome, but I feel disgusted watching it with Cullen or anyone else who is terribly emotionally involved in it.
I miss the cabin in the warm summer, the lazy days, the water, the daydreams that never end. I miss the sunshine, making the trees super green and the water look super blue. I miss the backyard a million years ago when we would lay back there and watch the clouds and the trees were only 5 feet tall. I miss being a young girl and dreaming about all the possibilities that lay ahead of me. I miss dreaming of my prince charming and anxiously awaiting the time when I'd be courted and dated and someone would be trying to impress me....when i was more important than a football game or a remote or the laundry that didn't get done. I miss that so terribly sometimes. And I'm dumb enough to keep trying. To make the cheese dip (I did that mostly for MFJ and Chuck and me though, I admit), finish every last bit of laundry, clean the house- again..... I don't know why I'm doing that.
I LOVE MY NEIGHBORS!
I can't wait til it's light out past 5:30pm again.
I want to show my kids the desert.
I want to show my kids how salty the ocean is. and how clear.
I want to show my kids what "hungry" really looks like.
I want to show my kids what a difference love can make.
I want to go eat the rest of the Lee Ann Chin. : ) That one I'll do right this second.
TTFN!
She asked me what I am going to do if I get told no about the kidney.
Did I tell you my dream last night?
I was told no.
And I was torn, as Linda was explaining why they said no to me, what my numbers indicated and what it would mean for me, I was torn between laughing in disbelief and trying not to cry.
I woke myself up, with tears on my cheeks and total relief that it wasn't real.
It was "just" a dream.
Did I tell you about when I dreamed I'd go into the 5th floor potty and find blood, and have a miscarriage, and the next day it happened?
Therefore, although I am mostly convinced that I am going to get to do it, and really there is no reason that I couldn't...what IF.
It's going to send me for a tailspin.
There is nothing suckier than being in a tailspin with 4 kids and a full time job to stay composed for.
I hated when it happened with the surrogacy. I had 6 kids at the time...my surrogate friend was having her transfer done, so I had her kiddos over...and the phone rang, and it was Kim, who has the horrid job of telling surrogates bad news.
I was so sad, I couldn't stop crying.
Then the knock came on the door. A realtor with clients to see the house which hadn't been cleaned because no one had called. 6 kids, a broken heart, and a realtor with clients.
I'm not kidding when i say that this was all within 5 minutes of me hanging up the phone with Kim.
So I pulled the kids out of the house, apologizing for the mayhem they were about to see, and we walked around the block while I wiped tears off my face on the back of my sleeve every so often.
It took me a little while to get over that. I don't know how I did start to move past it. But I do know that nothing keeps me down for too long. I'm not built that way. That's the good news.
But what WILL I do?
MFJ suggested I become a serial blood donater, which I could totally do. I could do plasma or platelets or whatever is a couple of times a week. Yes. If this doesn't work out, I'll do that and then I'll find another project that grabs me.
Hopefully I'll just GET TO. That will save all of us from...me. Kinda. : )
I'm still a Lucy Wench Wife. Ask MFJ how mean I am to Cullen when I'm crabby. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! : ) It's all good. Eventually my mind will find a way to stop being so irritated.
I drank a beer today. Now I'm snoozy.
I have to say that I make some kick ass smoothies, ya'll!
Stupid football. Someday I'll tell you why I hate football so much. I can tolerate it when I'm watching it with normal people who don't act like their lives depend on the outcome, but I feel disgusted watching it with Cullen or anyone else who is terribly emotionally involved in it.
I miss the cabin in the warm summer, the lazy days, the water, the daydreams that never end. I miss the sunshine, making the trees super green and the water look super blue. I miss the backyard a million years ago when we would lay back there and watch the clouds and the trees were only 5 feet tall. I miss being a young girl and dreaming about all the possibilities that lay ahead of me. I miss dreaming of my prince charming and anxiously awaiting the time when I'd be courted and dated and someone would be trying to impress me....when i was more important than a football game or a remote or the laundry that didn't get done. I miss that so terribly sometimes. And I'm dumb enough to keep trying. To make the cheese dip (I did that mostly for MFJ and Chuck and me though, I admit), finish every last bit of laundry, clean the house- again..... I don't know why I'm doing that.
I LOVE MY NEIGHBORS!
I can't wait til it's light out past 5:30pm again.
I want to show my kids the desert.
I want to show my kids how salty the ocean is. and how clear.
I want to show my kids what "hungry" really looks like.
I want to show my kids what a difference love can make.
I want to go eat the rest of the Lee Ann Chin. : ) That one I'll do right this second.
TTFN!
Lucy Wench
I am still a crabby Lucy Wench this morning, I think. Well, when it comes to mean husbands who criticize my house keeping abilities anyway.
But I'm caffeine free. I'm considering running in a little while. I think it would make me feel WAY better. To run, not to run, to run, not to run.
Last night Brian and Em came over. She's pregnant, but don't tell anyone. :) I'm going to be surrounded by babies soon! I'm so lucky!!!!
Lee Ann Chin is simply not worth it, if you wondered how I feel. It's good, but not worth the money. Their yogurt, however, is a different story. That stuff is better than chocolate even. I'm going ot make myself want some. I realize that I just spelled TO OT but I'm not going to fix it because I do not need to be perfect. In cleaning OR in spelling.
Okay, I have to wake Dinkus up soon. I wonder how long it will take for me to mind screw myself out of being mad at him this time. ?
Do you think that they meant a week in days, or a week in business days, finding out if I can donate or not???????
But I'm caffeine free. I'm considering running in a little while. I think it would make me feel WAY better. To run, not to run, to run, not to run.
Last night Brian and Em came over. She's pregnant, but don't tell anyone. :) I'm going to be surrounded by babies soon! I'm so lucky!!!!
Lee Ann Chin is simply not worth it, if you wondered how I feel. It's good, but not worth the money. Their yogurt, however, is a different story. That stuff is better than chocolate even. I'm going ot make myself want some. I realize that I just spelled TO OT but I'm not going to fix it because I do not need to be perfect. In cleaning OR in spelling.
Okay, I have to wake Dinkus up soon. I wonder how long it will take for me to mind screw myself out of being mad at him this time. ?
Do you think that they meant a week in days, or a week in business days, finding out if I can donate or not???????
Saturday, January 23, 2010
How to start a fight.
Ask the jackhole.
It's going to take more than playing with my hair this time.
He is bringing me Lee Ann Chin.
I cannot tell if this is going to help or not.
I'm exhausted.
It's going to take more than playing with my hair this time.
He is bringing me Lee Ann Chin.
I cannot tell if this is going to help or not.
I'm exhausted.
The Long Fall From Grace....
I woke up at 8am (Slept in, YAY!). When I woke up, I stumbled into the potty, washed up, and came out and was instantly assaulted by a smell that holds hope of life in it. Coffee.
I saw it sitting on the table, and although it looked a little too foo foo to be Cullen's, I hoped it was. Yesterday was hard enough on me, knowing that I fell. Knowing how much fun caffeination is, and knowing that I'm going to purposely go without again. Ouch.
Cullen came in, smiled angelicly at me and handed me the aqua cup from Starbucks. I felt how he much feel when I offer him chips and cheese with jalapenos when it's the week and he's eating healthy. I pouted for a minute and he said "oh, come on. Just one more day and then you can be good. White Chocolate Mocha."
Damn.
So, I did what any red blooded girl would do, when confronted with such as this. I drank the son of a bitch and I LIKED IT.
And again, I'm flying high. Cept I WILL go to Chelle's and run on her treadmill today. I have to overcome the obstacle in my head with working out and I might as well do it while I'm jacked up, right? But DAMN.
I'm taking all my herbal teas and putting them in the hot chocolate basket next to the water warmer upper, and tomorrow, I will face the day uncaffeinated again. I hate it already.
I SUCK!
I saw it sitting on the table, and although it looked a little too foo foo to be Cullen's, I hoped it was. Yesterday was hard enough on me, knowing that I fell. Knowing how much fun caffeination is, and knowing that I'm going to purposely go without again. Ouch.
Cullen came in, smiled angelicly at me and handed me the aqua cup from Starbucks. I felt how he much feel when I offer him chips and cheese with jalapenos when it's the week and he's eating healthy. I pouted for a minute and he said "oh, come on. Just one more day and then you can be good. White Chocolate Mocha."
Damn.
So, I did what any red blooded girl would do, when confronted with such as this. I drank the son of a bitch and I LIKED IT.
And again, I'm flying high. Cept I WILL go to Chelle's and run on her treadmill today. I have to overcome the obstacle in my head with working out and I might as well do it while I'm jacked up, right? But DAMN.
I'm taking all my herbal teas and putting them in the hot chocolate basket next to the water warmer upper, and tomorrow, I will face the day uncaffeinated again. I hate it already.
I SUCK!
Friday, January 22, 2010
How to end a fight
I try really hard to let things roll off my back. Most of the time I am successful. Sometimes I'm not.
The other day all was well, but then Cullen couldn't find his truck keys and he needed to go to work 5 minutes ago. He was stomping around the house, angry, cursing (irritates me because the kids are around)...he was being unbearable. I just wanted him to get out of the stinking house, so I told him to take the van, and I wouldn't go anywhere.
Which he did.
He called 15 minutes later, having found his truck keys were WITH HIM. He was sorry for being so growly.
The day carried on and was just fine, thank you very much.
A fw minutes before he got home, I thought to myself that I'd make a plate of chips and cheese with jalepenos for us to share before bed. I should also mention that I was feeling needy. Emotionally needy. Not in any outward way, but on the inside. I don't know if anyone else ever feels that way, but I needed to feel loved, and cared about, and like I actually matter in this house.
I made the chips and cheese and sat on the couch and a couple of minutes later, he came home. I opened the door for him, hugged him and invited him in to have a snack. He bawked at it because he's eating "healthy" during the week. My highly hidden and terribly momentarily sensitive feelings were very hurt. I even got tears. I sat on the couch and had a couple of chips and cheese. Then he wanted to know where the remote was, and I had no idea. He gor frustrated and got up and started searching for it. It's 12am. I wanted to be more important than the remote. We weren't staying up, anyways. But he wouldn't stop, and he was getting frustrated, going on about the kids losing it, me not looking for it, blah blah blah.
I had tears. Finally, I flipped.
I told him why I was so mad. I stomped off to get ready for bed, by myself. It sucked because I was still feeling needy but now I felt irritation on top of it. The irritation was first and foremost. Who the hell comes home from work blows off a snack, then his wife, when he could have had a snack AND his wife? Why couldn't I have mattered a little more instead of the remote?
I made a couple more attempts at fixing it before bed, but he was shut down, closed off. I told him I was sorry that *I* spazzed and that he was now shut down, I didn't know what else to do, and goodnight.
He did come to bed a few minutes later. I was halfway asleep, but he wasn't. Normally he falls asleep super fast, due to his jacked work schedule and broken sleep pattern. 15 minutes later, he was facing away from me, and I could feel his awakeness.
I didn't know what to do. WHY, why couldn't he remember how he felt a million years ago, why couldn't he whisper something nice to me like "Please don't be sad." That's all I needed. Sometimes I get tired of feeling like I'm always the one to leap over the mad hurdles in my head, to get over my irritations and find out how to let them go. Sometimes I get tired of holding out the olive branch. Sometimes I would love for him to do it. I don't hold grudges. Especially when my insides were still feeling so needy. I know it's hard. When you hold out the olive branch, the other person has power. They can reject your attempt. I'd already been rejected tonight. Why should *I* keep trying? In my head I was on the floor, at his feet, crying, asking him if he couldn't just Stop being a poop butt, say thank you for what I tried to do for him, tell me that I am better than television and LOVE ME. It made my insides hurt something fierce. Sometimes, a girl just needs to be loved.
So I did something.
I rolled over, and I snuggled right up to his back, the needing love part of me being bigger than you're a jackhole husband part of me.
And my efforts were rewarded. :)He rolled over, and just stayed there. Playing with my hair. His olive branch! Here was his olive branch! I scooted just a little bit closer, smiling. I let him keep playing with my hair until our noses were touching, and he kissed me.....
I didn't care that it was 12:20am and that morning comes too soon and I had to go into the office and that I'd be tired.
*That* is how to end a fight.
The other day all was well, but then Cullen couldn't find his truck keys and he needed to go to work 5 minutes ago. He was stomping around the house, angry, cursing (irritates me because the kids are around)...he was being unbearable. I just wanted him to get out of the stinking house, so I told him to take the van, and I wouldn't go anywhere.
Which he did.
He called 15 minutes later, having found his truck keys were WITH HIM. He was sorry for being so growly.
The day carried on and was just fine, thank you very much.
A fw minutes before he got home, I thought to myself that I'd make a plate of chips and cheese with jalepenos for us to share before bed. I should also mention that I was feeling needy. Emotionally needy. Not in any outward way, but on the inside. I don't know if anyone else ever feels that way, but I needed to feel loved, and cared about, and like I actually matter in this house.
I made the chips and cheese and sat on the couch and a couple of minutes later, he came home. I opened the door for him, hugged him and invited him in to have a snack. He bawked at it because he's eating "healthy" during the week. My highly hidden and terribly momentarily sensitive feelings were very hurt. I even got tears. I sat on the couch and had a couple of chips and cheese. Then he wanted to know where the remote was, and I had no idea. He gor frustrated and got up and started searching for it. It's 12am. I wanted to be more important than the remote. We weren't staying up, anyways. But he wouldn't stop, and he was getting frustrated, going on about the kids losing it, me not looking for it, blah blah blah.
I had tears. Finally, I flipped.
I told him why I was so mad. I stomped off to get ready for bed, by myself. It sucked because I was still feeling needy but now I felt irritation on top of it. The irritation was first and foremost. Who the hell comes home from work blows off a snack, then his wife, when he could have had a snack AND his wife? Why couldn't I have mattered a little more instead of the remote?
I made a couple more attempts at fixing it before bed, but he was shut down, closed off. I told him I was sorry that *I* spazzed and that he was now shut down, I didn't know what else to do, and goodnight.
He did come to bed a few minutes later. I was halfway asleep, but he wasn't. Normally he falls asleep super fast, due to his jacked work schedule and broken sleep pattern. 15 minutes later, he was facing away from me, and I could feel his awakeness.
I didn't know what to do. WHY, why couldn't he remember how he felt a million years ago, why couldn't he whisper something nice to me like "Please don't be sad." That's all I needed. Sometimes I get tired of feeling like I'm always the one to leap over the mad hurdles in my head, to get over my irritations and find out how to let them go. Sometimes I get tired of holding out the olive branch. Sometimes I would love for him to do it. I don't hold grudges. Especially when my insides were still feeling so needy. I know it's hard. When you hold out the olive branch, the other person has power. They can reject your attempt. I'd already been rejected tonight. Why should *I* keep trying? In my head I was on the floor, at his feet, crying, asking him if he couldn't just Stop being a poop butt, say thank you for what I tried to do for him, tell me that I am better than television and LOVE ME. It made my insides hurt something fierce. Sometimes, a girl just needs to be loved.
So I did something.
I rolled over, and I snuggled right up to his back, the needing love part of me being bigger than you're a jackhole husband part of me.
And my efforts were rewarded. :)He rolled over, and just stayed there. Playing with my hair. His olive branch! Here was his olive branch! I scooted just a little bit closer, smiling. I let him keep playing with my hair until our noses were touching, and he kissed me.....
I didn't care that it was 12:20am and that morning comes too soon and I had to go into the office and that I'd be tired.
*That* is how to end a fight.
WHEEEE!
Sweet baby Jesus, I love me some caffeine! For the first time in months I had coffee and now a soda and WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Not only can I type faster than the speed of light (in my head I'm still back there on "love"), but I'm highly efficient at cleaning and I don't suck with the snappy comebacks either. Try me.
The end of the innocence.
I get CJ up once a night to pee. I don't HAVE to do this, but I do it because his brain and bladder haven't quite figured it out yet. He'd just die if he knew I just said that. We make NO BIG DEAL about it at all around here, but he doesn't like people to know, and when he heard that his best friend still needs to be woken up at night, the relief washed over his face like you wouldn't believe.
Anyways, I said that so that you'll get why I was with him at 11:30at night.
He doesn't much like to get hugs or kisses from me anymore. He will snuggle up to me when we're watching Wheel of Fortune, and he loves for me to tickle his back, but other than that, no contact is just fine by him. I knew this time was coming. It's why I'm kissing Josh's face off now. I know the end is near.
Cept at night. When I wake him up and he's barely concious, he's very, very snuggley and cuddly and tells me how much he loves me and it's the best ever. I'll probably still be waking him up when he's 15 just to get that part of CJ again.
The other part of this is that CJ and Josh play like crazy at bedtime since they share a room. Josh HATES sleeping on the top bunk, and most of the time sleeps in the bottom bed, which is bigger, with CJ. When they are too rowdy I put Josh on the top and it works to get them to go to bed faster.
The other night they were up too late, and I had Josh go up there. He hates it, but I had warned him that if they were up past 8:30, that's what would happen. At 9:10pm, CJ came up, looking as cute as he can, to ask nicely if Josh can please sleep in his bed, as Josh hadn't stopped crying quietly yet and he'd like to go to sleep. So I let him.
When I went down later to get CJ up to pee, they were curled up into eachother in the cutest way. I teared up instantly because that too will stop soon enough. Soon they will be older and too cool and no matter how much they love eachother and how good of pals they are, they will not unintentionally, even, curl up facing eachother. It was adorable.
Time goes way too fast.
Anyways, I said that so that you'll get why I was with him at 11:30at night.
He doesn't much like to get hugs or kisses from me anymore. He will snuggle up to me when we're watching Wheel of Fortune, and he loves for me to tickle his back, but other than that, no contact is just fine by him. I knew this time was coming. It's why I'm kissing Josh's face off now. I know the end is near.
Cept at night. When I wake him up and he's barely concious, he's very, very snuggley and cuddly and tells me how much he loves me and it's the best ever. I'll probably still be waking him up when he's 15 just to get that part of CJ again.
The other part of this is that CJ and Josh play like crazy at bedtime since they share a room. Josh HATES sleeping on the top bunk, and most of the time sleeps in the bottom bed, which is bigger, with CJ. When they are too rowdy I put Josh on the top and it works to get them to go to bed faster.
The other night they were up too late, and I had Josh go up there. He hates it, but I had warned him that if they were up past 8:30, that's what would happen. At 9:10pm, CJ came up, looking as cute as he can, to ask nicely if Josh can please sleep in his bed, as Josh hadn't stopped crying quietly yet and he'd like to go to sleep. So I let him.
When I went down later to get CJ up to pee, they were curled up into eachother in the cutest way. I teared up instantly because that too will stop soon enough. Soon they will be older and too cool and no matter how much they love eachother and how good of pals they are, they will not unintentionally, even, curl up facing eachother. It was adorable.
Time goes way too fast.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
How's your love story go?
Have you ever imagined telling your kids about your love story, some day when you're old and gray? You can tell them *just* the part about what it was like to meet the person you chose to spend your life with, or you can tell them the FULL story...there's always a full story, isn't there?
I was thinking about my story today. After i thought about what, if anything, I'd do differently...because, afterall...I graduated highschool, went to cosmetology school, met Cullen, moved in, got married all by 20. Started having babies at 25, not having done a whole lot other than buy a house and enjoy my husband until then (meaning we didn't go see the world or anything like that). Kept having babies, starting working from home, and hello, friends, you're all caught up. But I can't find a part that I'd change, somehow. Anyways.
I was thinking about the *other* boy that I loved. Now, looking back, perhaps he's the only other boy I've ever loved truly. Stupid, mean boyfriends...that wasn't love. One timers were certainly not love. Yes, I think that the other boy was the only other person I loved unconditionally. It probably isn't appropriate for me to even be talking about this, is it? But I'm not known for appropriateness, and in the end, this is an important part of MY story. Cullen would hate reading it, although he shouldn't- he won. I picked him. And I'd pick him again. I keep picking him, even when I want to be kicking him. : )
We'll call the other Jacob.
My friend lived down the street from us, she moved in when I was 8 or so. I knew her well enough to be at her house all the time when Jacob's name first came up. He was her cousin, and as soon as she knew he was coming over, she set it up. "You have to meet him! You're the same age!" I don't know what it was about me, or about that day, but I loved him from then on. Never having met him. I'm kinda like that. I fell HARD, too. She's the only one how knows how hard, and that's because she had to deal with me blushing, stammering, crying, and carrying on over him all those years.
I met him. And, I still loved him.
I saw him almost never. But seeing him was EVERYTHING. He slept in the green sleeping bag at her house when he'd (we'd) stay over. I slept in it when he wasn't staying over. IN LOVE. Couldn't think when he'd look at me, couldn't talk when he spoke to me. It was that bad, and that obvious.
We talked on the phone when we got older. We were always dating people. I'd ask, he'd ask...I actually think that we talked alot on the phone. When we could drive we'd hang out now and then. No matter what was going on, I just knew that I'd end up with him someday. I just knew he'd marry me. I'd add up the evidence: he's on my birth announcement in the paper even though he was born 2 months earlier, I recognized him immediately when I met him from...where? I don't know...and there were a million other little coincidences that to me shouted:HELLO! MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!! In fact, during a quite abusive relationship, I was being yelled at by the abuser who was shouting "You are a nasty, worthless piece of shit and no one besides me will ever love you." and I immediately thought of Jacob and of how wrong, wrong, wrong this misled person was. I WOULD be loved properly. I WAS worth it.
I cried often, tortured and missing Jacob, and wanting him to want to be my boyfriend. I'm not sure we ever talked about it though. All those years, and I'm not too sure we talked about it. I know that I didn't feel like I'd measure up, sometimes, to the girls I imagined him being with. And I felt like I wouldn't be able to keep his attention....we were so young. He was so cute, and I was so not his normal type (I thought, anyways). How could he not want to try out all the pretty girls? And yet, nightly, we talked.
In the meantime my eating disorder was kicking my ass...I was a size 1 (which is just unnatural for me and I'm sad I still remember how happy I was to fit into that size...just a FEW more pounds to lose and I'd start being pretty ...). At some point, I realized that my darling friend probably wasn't going to come rescue me afterall. I didn't feel loved or cared about by him, I surely hated me and just when I honestly stopped giving a crap about anything at all....Jacinta called and told me I had to meet Cullen.
She said he was the male Nicki- HA! HAHAHAHAH! He's my opposite in as many ways as we're alike. But, since I totally did not give a rats ass at all, I said i didn't care, and she set it up for the next night.
I instantly- INSTANTLY liked him. This was a different feeling than when I'd first met Jake. This was...just different. I felt like we were on an open road, no obstacles, like he was a beacon of light, a breath of fresh air, freedom. We hit it off immediately, and from go we were just...together, all the time. I had so much fun with him and he was the first boy that I liked THAT WAY that I could be myself with. And I was. I could talk around him. I could talk to him! I made sure he knew right from go that I'm not "normal". I was scared to death to tell him about my eating disorder or how bad it was and how the time would be soon that I'd have to fix it or die because I couldn't go on how I was going on. I tried to scare him with my silly antics. He just wasn't scared.
He stuck with me. He went through treatment with me, he held me for hours upon hours while I cried about having to eat, or having just eaten. He LOVED ME. I simply loved him. The stories I'd written, the things that the boys always said in my stories, he said. He said them, and he meant them and he made my heart sing, and he was so much fun to be around. He made me laugh. I trusted him, and for the first time, I felt SAFE! It was heavenly.
After a couple of months, Jacob realized...or else I told him, can't remember...that I was getting serious. Oh, maybe it got to him through my friend. I don't know. But I do know that all of the sudden, Jake wanted to stake his claim. I probably shouldn't put it that way. He was scared. He was scared that I was actually going to get married and that we weren't going to end up together. MY GOD...I was only 19 years old when Cullen and I decided to get married......that is so young now, looking back. Poor Jake.
Poor ME. I cannot properly convey to you what that time was like. The boy I'd been in love with since what felt like the beginning of time was here, right here, asking me not to get married to Cullen. He had nothing to apologize for, I see that now, I see how young I was. He SHOULD have been out dating. He SHOULD have not had to worry about me getting MARRIED at nineteen. But that's what I was doing. Then I got a little mad at him for taking so long. What the hell took him so long? Where was he all this time? A decade of adoring someone that much when you're that young..well, it COUNTS! I got mad. Trying to make this horribly hard decision hurt me so deeply. How do you choose between the one that makes time stop, the one you always thought you'd be with, The one you've dreamed about for so long that no one else mattered ever, a part of a family you've known since you were 8, but are nervous that the timing is wrong and that he'll accidentally hurt you in a way that you couldn't recover from...and the one who makes you feel calm, loved, cared about...makes you laugh, kisses your head off, hears you, trusts you with his heart, has the family that you fit right into? The one who met you and wanted you from the beginning? How does a girl choose?
I felt sick letting Jacob go. I didn't know if I'd ever fully recover from it. Sounds silly, probably. But when I tried imagining walking away from Cullen, I just couldn't. I thought to myself that if Jacob could pick anyone out for me, he himself would have picked Cullen. If I was going to be a brat that way, and run off and get married when I was still wet behind the ears, and he couldn't be the one, well, he'd pick Cullen. I can almost see him rolling his eyes.
I'm sorry to have hurt him back then. Even if it was only fair after all the tears I'd cried, it didn't feel good to imagine what he was feeling.
I got married to my prince who loved to spoil me rotten (so much for teaching me to take "no" a little better!). My prince who grew with me as we stumbled through eating disorders and learning disabilities (my baby, who was once too scared to write a check in front of anyone, can now bounce them like a PRO!), buying houses, and fights with friends who weren't married yet...to miscarriages, pregnancies, job changes, money issues....boy we've grown up together. We are among the lucky ones...when we're in the middle of the saddest times we've had, our hearts are like magnets and we are drawn together instead of repelled. That's very lucky. We've weathered some stressful situations and to be pulled together instead of turning away ...lucky indeed! He's like a gift I get to keep on opening.
He IS a man, however...he has the ability to be a jackhole and he sometimes is, without even meaning to be. But that's living with another human being, isn't it. We're all pretty much jackholes at some point. We're all the same, in the end, prettymuch, basically. HA! Enough generalizations for you?
Do you think there is only one right person? I'm sure there are many who things would "work out" fine with. For both of us. For all of us. I'd thought there was only one right person out there growing up as a young girl, and i was shown that I was wrong. Different puzzle pieces sometimes still fit together.
Well, from the outside, I have had a pretty typical, boring, small townish girl life. But someday, I might get to tell this fabulous love story to my daughter or granddaughter, when I'm old, and wrinkley and time has turned my hair gray, and my mind forgetful. I can tell her all about how a girl has to follow her heart, even when it takes her places she wasn't planning on going.
I was thinking about my story today. After i thought about what, if anything, I'd do differently...because, afterall...I graduated highschool, went to cosmetology school, met Cullen, moved in, got married all by 20. Started having babies at 25, not having done a whole lot other than buy a house and enjoy my husband until then (meaning we didn't go see the world or anything like that). Kept having babies, starting working from home, and hello, friends, you're all caught up. But I can't find a part that I'd change, somehow. Anyways.
I was thinking about the *other* boy that I loved. Now, looking back, perhaps he's the only other boy I've ever loved truly. Stupid, mean boyfriends...that wasn't love. One timers were certainly not love. Yes, I think that the other boy was the only other person I loved unconditionally. It probably isn't appropriate for me to even be talking about this, is it? But I'm not known for appropriateness, and in the end, this is an important part of MY story. Cullen would hate reading it, although he shouldn't- he won. I picked him. And I'd pick him again. I keep picking him, even when I want to be kicking him. : )
We'll call the other Jacob.
My friend lived down the street from us, she moved in when I was 8 or so. I knew her well enough to be at her house all the time when Jacob's name first came up. He was her cousin, and as soon as she knew he was coming over, she set it up. "You have to meet him! You're the same age!" I don't know what it was about me, or about that day, but I loved him from then on. Never having met him. I'm kinda like that. I fell HARD, too. She's the only one how knows how hard, and that's because she had to deal with me blushing, stammering, crying, and carrying on over him all those years.
I met him. And, I still loved him.
I saw him almost never. But seeing him was EVERYTHING. He slept in the green sleeping bag at her house when he'd (we'd) stay over. I slept in it when he wasn't staying over. IN LOVE. Couldn't think when he'd look at me, couldn't talk when he spoke to me. It was that bad, and that obvious.
We talked on the phone when we got older. We were always dating people. I'd ask, he'd ask...I actually think that we talked alot on the phone. When we could drive we'd hang out now and then. No matter what was going on, I just knew that I'd end up with him someday. I just knew he'd marry me. I'd add up the evidence: he's on my birth announcement in the paper even though he was born 2 months earlier, I recognized him immediately when I met him from...where? I don't know...and there were a million other little coincidences that to me shouted:HELLO! MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!! In fact, during a quite abusive relationship, I was being yelled at by the abuser who was shouting "You are a nasty, worthless piece of shit and no one besides me will ever love you." and I immediately thought of Jacob and of how wrong, wrong, wrong this misled person was. I WOULD be loved properly. I WAS worth it.
I cried often, tortured and missing Jacob, and wanting him to want to be my boyfriend. I'm not sure we ever talked about it though. All those years, and I'm not too sure we talked about it. I know that I didn't feel like I'd measure up, sometimes, to the girls I imagined him being with. And I felt like I wouldn't be able to keep his attention....we were so young. He was so cute, and I was so not his normal type (I thought, anyways). How could he not want to try out all the pretty girls? And yet, nightly, we talked.
In the meantime my eating disorder was kicking my ass...I was a size 1 (which is just unnatural for me and I'm sad I still remember how happy I was to fit into that size...just a FEW more pounds to lose and I'd start being pretty ...). At some point, I realized that my darling friend probably wasn't going to come rescue me afterall. I didn't feel loved or cared about by him, I surely hated me and just when I honestly stopped giving a crap about anything at all....Jacinta called and told me I had to meet Cullen.
She said he was the male Nicki- HA! HAHAHAHAH! He's my opposite in as many ways as we're alike. But, since I totally did not give a rats ass at all, I said i didn't care, and she set it up for the next night.
I instantly- INSTANTLY liked him. This was a different feeling than when I'd first met Jake. This was...just different. I felt like we were on an open road, no obstacles, like he was a beacon of light, a breath of fresh air, freedom. We hit it off immediately, and from go we were just...together, all the time. I had so much fun with him and he was the first boy that I liked THAT WAY that I could be myself with. And I was. I could talk around him. I could talk to him! I made sure he knew right from go that I'm not "normal". I was scared to death to tell him about my eating disorder or how bad it was and how the time would be soon that I'd have to fix it or die because I couldn't go on how I was going on. I tried to scare him with my silly antics. He just wasn't scared.
He stuck with me. He went through treatment with me, he held me for hours upon hours while I cried about having to eat, or having just eaten. He LOVED ME. I simply loved him. The stories I'd written, the things that the boys always said in my stories, he said. He said them, and he meant them and he made my heart sing, and he was so much fun to be around. He made me laugh. I trusted him, and for the first time, I felt SAFE! It was heavenly.
After a couple of months, Jacob realized...or else I told him, can't remember...that I was getting serious. Oh, maybe it got to him through my friend. I don't know. But I do know that all of the sudden, Jake wanted to stake his claim. I probably shouldn't put it that way. He was scared. He was scared that I was actually going to get married and that we weren't going to end up together. MY GOD...I was only 19 years old when Cullen and I decided to get married......that is so young now, looking back. Poor Jake.
Poor ME. I cannot properly convey to you what that time was like. The boy I'd been in love with since what felt like the beginning of time was here, right here, asking me not to get married to Cullen. He had nothing to apologize for, I see that now, I see how young I was. He SHOULD have been out dating. He SHOULD have not had to worry about me getting MARRIED at nineteen. But that's what I was doing. Then I got a little mad at him for taking so long. What the hell took him so long? Where was he all this time? A decade of adoring someone that much when you're that young..well, it COUNTS! I got mad. Trying to make this horribly hard decision hurt me so deeply. How do you choose between the one that makes time stop, the one you always thought you'd be with, The one you've dreamed about for so long that no one else mattered ever, a part of a family you've known since you were 8, but are nervous that the timing is wrong and that he'll accidentally hurt you in a way that you couldn't recover from...and the one who makes you feel calm, loved, cared about...makes you laugh, kisses your head off, hears you, trusts you with his heart, has the family that you fit right into? The one who met you and wanted you from the beginning? How does a girl choose?
I felt sick letting Jacob go. I didn't know if I'd ever fully recover from it. Sounds silly, probably. But when I tried imagining walking away from Cullen, I just couldn't. I thought to myself that if Jacob could pick anyone out for me, he himself would have picked Cullen. If I was going to be a brat that way, and run off and get married when I was still wet behind the ears, and he couldn't be the one, well, he'd pick Cullen. I can almost see him rolling his eyes.
I'm sorry to have hurt him back then. Even if it was only fair after all the tears I'd cried, it didn't feel good to imagine what he was feeling.
I got married to my prince who loved to spoil me rotten (so much for teaching me to take "no" a little better!). My prince who grew with me as we stumbled through eating disorders and learning disabilities (my baby, who was once too scared to write a check in front of anyone, can now bounce them like a PRO!), buying houses, and fights with friends who weren't married yet...to miscarriages, pregnancies, job changes, money issues....boy we've grown up together. We are among the lucky ones...when we're in the middle of the saddest times we've had, our hearts are like magnets and we are drawn together instead of repelled. That's very lucky. We've weathered some stressful situations and to be pulled together instead of turning away ...lucky indeed! He's like a gift I get to keep on opening.
He IS a man, however...he has the ability to be a jackhole and he sometimes is, without even meaning to be. But that's living with another human being, isn't it. We're all pretty much jackholes at some point. We're all the same, in the end, prettymuch, basically. HA! Enough generalizations for you?
Do you think there is only one right person? I'm sure there are many who things would "work out" fine with. For both of us. For all of us. I'd thought there was only one right person out there growing up as a young girl, and i was shown that I was wrong. Different puzzle pieces sometimes still fit together.
Well, from the outside, I have had a pretty typical, boring, small townish girl life. But someday, I might get to tell this fabulous love story to my daughter or granddaughter, when I'm old, and wrinkley and time has turned my hair gray, and my mind forgetful. I can tell her all about how a girl has to follow her heart, even when it takes her places she wasn't planning on going.
What would you do differently?
I was just thinking about what I would do differently, if I could do it all over again.
I don't know if there really is an answer.
Back in highschool, I applied at Makato, for journalism as my major. I mean, HELLO! I would have been fabulous at it. However, one thing I am NOT fabulous at, then or now, is dealing with crowds, tons of people, party atmosphere, overwhelmingness. And, back then, lets not forget, I really didn't care if I wasn't on earth anymore.
So I didn't go. I corresponded with the professor and then I just let it go.
Would I go back now? NO. If I could rewind, would I go back then? NO.
I went to cosmetology school, which I loved. It took me a long time to graduate becauswe in the middle of it, I ended up in the hospital for my eating disorder and that demanded my utmost attention. I did finish and to this day, I am where I am because of going to cosmetology school.
I can't say that what I'm being paid to do is my passion, but I do things outside of work that I'm passionate about, and at one time i did love this industry very much.
So would i change that? I can't say I would. I LOVED some of the people I went there with, some of the all time funniest people in existence...might have to facebook find them! Anyway....
I met Cullen when I was going to cosmetology school. When I got serious with him, there was another person, who I had known for a long time, who freaked out and wanted me to not marry Cullen and be with him. This was actually a huge thing for me because I'd always thought I'd end up with this other person. It hurt me a little bit to tell him no, but Cullen was so wonderful with me and for me and to me and I loved him and his whole family. I was angry that the other didn't really seem to want me until it was too late. Looking back now it's different of course. I was only 19 when we set our wedding date. NINETEEN. Who could blame the other for not forseeing that I'd be married soon? I was still a baby! Would I change my decision? Absolutely not.
Would I have waited to get married? I'm not sure that would have made a difference. I can't tell for sure, but if we married then or later, we'd still have had to overcome the numerous obstacles that we overcame together. It has been hard sometimes, as anyone who is married knows. Throw some kids in there, and that 50% divorce rate isn't so hard to understand afterall. Many years ago, I packed up to leave 2 times. I didn't only because I knew that ENDING IT wasn't what would happen, and it wasn't what I wanted to happen, but I needed his attention to some areas in our marriage BADLY and he just didn't have the balls to face it. My choices in how to get his attention weren't pretty, and I'd make different choices now but I DID get his attention and he DID start participating in the ickier parts of life we had to muddle through.
I don't think I'd change getting married that early in life.
I didn't have the desire to travel back then either. I didn't even want to go to Mexico. I don't feel comfortable when I don't know where I am- which is normal, I'm guessing, and although I'm better at it (I'd move to Arkansas in a minute and build our dream house if we didn't have so many roots here)(yes, sweltering summers and all) now, I still don't want to go to other countries. But now things ARE a bit different because there are places that I would love for the kids to see- however, they don't really care. : )
So, no travelling right now, but soon! They are getting older. I'd love to homeschool, own an RV, and just go whereever the hell we want, learn whatever the hell we want, and enjoy the world around us.
Hm. i guess I answered my own question. Although my ideas about life and the world have changed, I guess I'm still where I'd be. I am more of a homebody than a GO OUT girl, I need a small space that feels like home, and as long as I have Cullen, the kids and a puter, I'm good. HAHAH.
I don't know if there really is an answer.
Back in highschool, I applied at Makato, for journalism as my major. I mean, HELLO! I would have been fabulous at it. However, one thing I am NOT fabulous at, then or now, is dealing with crowds, tons of people, party atmosphere, overwhelmingness. And, back then, lets not forget, I really didn't care if I wasn't on earth anymore.
So I didn't go. I corresponded with the professor and then I just let it go.
Would I go back now? NO. If I could rewind, would I go back then? NO.
I went to cosmetology school, which I loved. It took me a long time to graduate becauswe in the middle of it, I ended up in the hospital for my eating disorder and that demanded my utmost attention. I did finish and to this day, I am where I am because of going to cosmetology school.
I can't say that what I'm being paid to do is my passion, but I do things outside of work that I'm passionate about, and at one time i did love this industry very much.
So would i change that? I can't say I would. I LOVED some of the people I went there with, some of the all time funniest people in existence...might have to facebook find them! Anyway....
I met Cullen when I was going to cosmetology school. When I got serious with him, there was another person, who I had known for a long time, who freaked out and wanted me to not marry Cullen and be with him. This was actually a huge thing for me because I'd always thought I'd end up with this other person. It hurt me a little bit to tell him no, but Cullen was so wonderful with me and for me and to me and I loved him and his whole family. I was angry that the other didn't really seem to want me until it was too late. Looking back now it's different of course. I was only 19 when we set our wedding date. NINETEEN. Who could blame the other for not forseeing that I'd be married soon? I was still a baby! Would I change my decision? Absolutely not.
Would I have waited to get married? I'm not sure that would have made a difference. I can't tell for sure, but if we married then or later, we'd still have had to overcome the numerous obstacles that we overcame together. It has been hard sometimes, as anyone who is married knows. Throw some kids in there, and that 50% divorce rate isn't so hard to understand afterall. Many years ago, I packed up to leave 2 times. I didn't only because I knew that ENDING IT wasn't what would happen, and it wasn't what I wanted to happen, but I needed his attention to some areas in our marriage BADLY and he just didn't have the balls to face it. My choices in how to get his attention weren't pretty, and I'd make different choices now but I DID get his attention and he DID start participating in the ickier parts of life we had to muddle through.
I don't think I'd change getting married that early in life.
I didn't have the desire to travel back then either. I didn't even want to go to Mexico. I don't feel comfortable when I don't know where I am- which is normal, I'm guessing, and although I'm better at it (I'd move to Arkansas in a minute and build our dream house if we didn't have so many roots here)(yes, sweltering summers and all) now, I still don't want to go to other countries. But now things ARE a bit different because there are places that I would love for the kids to see- however, they don't really care. : )
So, no travelling right now, but soon! They are getting older. I'd love to homeschool, own an RV, and just go whereever the hell we want, learn whatever the hell we want, and enjoy the world around us.
Hm. i guess I answered my own question. Although my ideas about life and the world have changed, I guess I'm still where I'd be. I am more of a homebody than a GO OUT girl, I need a small space that feels like home, and as long as I have Cullen, the kids and a puter, I'm good. HAHAH.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
And, the real waiting begins....
First of all, yay me for finding my way again without directions! WHOO HOOO!!! Today they injected some stuff into my arm, and then took blood at 2, 3 and 4 hours later. Have you ever cheered your kidneys on? "GO KIDNEYS!!! CLEAN THAT STUFF OUT OF OUR BLOOD! FASTER!" I can't say I've ever given those things much thought til now. I sat in the transplant centers room, watching people come and go, listening to nurses talking to patients about transplants and possibilities and hope, feeling so happy to be there, hoping I can donate.
It was also a nice forced break.
After the last blood draw, I felt sick to my stomach. Not from giving blood, but because there is nothing I can do now. My numbers are my numbers no matter what happens. I can't make them better or worse. I had tears the whole way to mom's to pick up Julia and Jordan. I don't want to hear no.
When I came home there was a message from this morning, from my coordinator. She said, and I quote, "I see that you're here today for your Iohexol. We had our meeting yesterday and your kidneys look kinda okay, so let's see what today tells us and we'll go from there."
WTF DOES THAT MEAN.
Kinda okay?
Kinda okay like they are semi healthy but not so much?
Kinda okay like they are healthy but there are some pain in the ass blood vessels that will be hard for the surgeon to get to, if I get to? What does that mean?
So, of course, I called her back and left her that message: How long am I waiting and what does kinda okay mean? Which way are they kinda okay? If my numbers are good, are me and my kinda okay kidneys in? What does that MEAN? it would be most kick ass if she'd call me back today still.
There goes *pause* PHONE RINGING! IT'S LINDA!
Let's take a moment for a happy dance, shall we?
*HAPPY DANCE, HAPPY DANCE, HAPPY DANCE, HAPPY DANCE!!!!!*
I'M GOOD! MY KIDNEYS ARE GOOD! THEY ARE GOOD! SHE SAID THEY WILL TAKE THE LEFT ONE IF MY NUMBERS FROM TODAY ARE GOOD! SHE SAID THEY LOOK GOOD AND HEALTHY! SHE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY KINDA OKAY, SHE SAID THAT SHE MEANT IT POSITIVELY! I'M GOOD! I'M GOOD! I'M GOOD!
Okay. Now my numbers today, ugh, just have to be good! They just HAVE to be good! she said it can take up to a week to get those results back. How am I going to wait a week?
God this is giving me flashback of AM I PREGNANT? COULD I BE PREGNANT? DID IT WORK THIS TIME? WHEN I MY PERIOD DUE?
WHEW.
Okay. One thing at a time.
Food. I'm going to have to feed these kids. I still can't cook. Taco Bell tonight to celebrate. : )
It was also a nice forced break.
After the last blood draw, I felt sick to my stomach. Not from giving blood, but because there is nothing I can do now. My numbers are my numbers no matter what happens. I can't make them better or worse. I had tears the whole way to mom's to pick up Julia and Jordan. I don't want to hear no.
When I came home there was a message from this morning, from my coordinator. She said, and I quote, "I see that you're here today for your Iohexol. We had our meeting yesterday and your kidneys look kinda okay, so let's see what today tells us and we'll go from there."
WTF DOES THAT MEAN.
Kinda okay?
Kinda okay like they are semi healthy but not so much?
Kinda okay like they are healthy but there are some pain in the ass blood vessels that will be hard for the surgeon to get to, if I get to? What does that mean?
So, of course, I called her back and left her that message: How long am I waiting and what does kinda okay mean? Which way are they kinda okay? If my numbers are good, are me and my kinda okay kidneys in? What does that MEAN? it would be most kick ass if she'd call me back today still.
There goes *pause* PHONE RINGING! IT'S LINDA!
Let's take a moment for a happy dance, shall we?
*HAPPY DANCE, HAPPY DANCE, HAPPY DANCE, HAPPY DANCE!!!!!*
I'M GOOD! MY KIDNEYS ARE GOOD! THEY ARE GOOD! SHE SAID THEY WILL TAKE THE LEFT ONE IF MY NUMBERS FROM TODAY ARE GOOD! SHE SAID THEY LOOK GOOD AND HEALTHY! SHE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY KINDA OKAY, SHE SAID THAT SHE MEANT IT POSITIVELY! I'M GOOD! I'M GOOD! I'M GOOD!
Okay. Now my numbers today, ugh, just have to be good! They just HAVE to be good! she said it can take up to a week to get those results back. How am I going to wait a week?
God this is giving me flashback of AM I PREGNANT? COULD I BE PREGNANT? DID IT WORK THIS TIME? WHEN I MY PERIOD DUE?
WHEW.
Okay. One thing at a time.
Food. I'm going to have to feed these kids. I still can't cook. Taco Bell tonight to celebrate. : )
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Fact vs Opinion
Fact: Splenda wrecks my insides. I have proof and if you give me a few minutes, I'll prove it again.
Opinion: Splenda is evil and not good for our bodies.
Fact: Cullen has not called me once since leaving very, very early for work.
Opinion: He must be very, very busy to not have time to call his wife. : (
Fact: The kids are eating pizza in the livingroom, on the floor, having a picnic.
Opinion: Winter sucks and cooking isn't worth it today.
Fact: I have my test tomorrow morning, YAY!
Opinion: Living donors ROCK!
Fact: I am going to go downstairs to see if he's called the house phone.
Fact: He left his cell phone at home.
Fact: We usually talk every hour or so. I know, I know, but that's how we roll.
Opinion: It's practically abuse to not call me, when he knows I'll go bonkers.
Fact: 1 out of 3 dentists do not prefer Crest toothpaste.
Opinion: Someone always has to be the jackass that holds out.
WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?!
Fact: Sometimes if you think about someone hard enough, they'll call.
Or is that opinion? hehe. Either way, YAY, Cullen called. And now I feel like the world is right side up again.
I made chocolate smoothies to have with our Carbone's Pizza, and they were FAB. BTW, Carbone's has a great deal- if you were going to order from them anyway, do it online, spend $20, and get a free medium pepperoni pizza. For $24 we got a large pizza, garlic cheese bread and a medium pep pizza. It's still rape, most likely, but it was GOOD. Is it still rape if we liked it and didn't care that we spent $24? Today we are suposed to be back in the saddle with working out and being healthy. So far, we're at 50% since only one of us worked out today and the other one of us ate more pizza and did NOT work out, due to some funny psychological block I have regarding donating kidneys, not knowing if I can, and working out.
What's interesting and hypocritical of me is that I am the first in line to tell people "whatever happened years ago was years ago, stop reacting to things due to THAT." and yet here I am, currently choosing to not work out because I LET myself fall into an eating disordered pattern...it seems to happen on it's own, but I must have some control over it. My goal is not weight loss. My goal is health and a fast recovery from surgery. AH, see? Still, the surgery. My goal just needs to be health, plain and simple but for some stupid reason, I am not sure that I can do it just for that. Esp because spring is coming and I'll want to shop and I'll want to look good in the skin baring things so I might want to lose weight and change things up and I just CAN'T DO THAT. I CANNOT diet. I CANNOT do something that requires so much focus and attention! I don't want to pay that close of attention to that kind of stuff. I wonder how to do it? I just have to get over the initial hump and we'll be good, I'm sure. But HOW? JUST DO IT! I supose. I supose I just need to do it. Surgery will probably HELP.
Remember what i said about splenda? Yeah. Stupid "sugar free" hot chocolate. NOT WORTH IT!
Opinion: Splenda is evil and not good for our bodies.
Fact: Cullen has not called me once since leaving very, very early for work.
Opinion: He must be very, very busy to not have time to call his wife. : (
Fact: The kids are eating pizza in the livingroom, on the floor, having a picnic.
Opinion: Winter sucks and cooking isn't worth it today.
Fact: I have my test tomorrow morning, YAY!
Opinion: Living donors ROCK!
Fact: I am going to go downstairs to see if he's called the house phone.
Fact: He left his cell phone at home.
Fact: We usually talk every hour or so. I know, I know, but that's how we roll.
Opinion: It's practically abuse to not call me, when he knows I'll go bonkers.
Fact: 1 out of 3 dentists do not prefer Crest toothpaste.
Opinion: Someone always has to be the jackass that holds out.
WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?!
Fact: Sometimes if you think about someone hard enough, they'll call.
Or is that opinion? hehe. Either way, YAY, Cullen called. And now I feel like the world is right side up again.
I made chocolate smoothies to have with our Carbone's Pizza, and they were FAB. BTW, Carbone's has a great deal- if you were going to order from them anyway, do it online, spend $20, and get a free medium pepperoni pizza. For $24 we got a large pizza, garlic cheese bread and a medium pep pizza. It's still rape, most likely, but it was GOOD. Is it still rape if we liked it and didn't care that we spent $24? Today we are suposed to be back in the saddle with working out and being healthy. So far, we're at 50% since only one of us worked out today and the other one of us ate more pizza and did NOT work out, due to some funny psychological block I have regarding donating kidneys, not knowing if I can, and working out.
What's interesting and hypocritical of me is that I am the first in line to tell people "whatever happened years ago was years ago, stop reacting to things due to THAT." and yet here I am, currently choosing to not work out because I LET myself fall into an eating disordered pattern...it seems to happen on it's own, but I must have some control over it. My goal is not weight loss. My goal is health and a fast recovery from surgery. AH, see? Still, the surgery. My goal just needs to be health, plain and simple but for some stupid reason, I am not sure that I can do it just for that. Esp because spring is coming and I'll want to shop and I'll want to look good in the skin baring things so I might want to lose weight and change things up and I just CAN'T DO THAT. I CANNOT diet. I CANNOT do something that requires so much focus and attention! I don't want to pay that close of attention to that kind of stuff. I wonder how to do it? I just have to get over the initial hump and we'll be good, I'm sure. But HOW? JUST DO IT! I supose. I supose I just need to do it. Surgery will probably HELP.
Remember what i said about splenda? Yeah. Stupid "sugar free" hot chocolate. NOT WORTH IT!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Triple J
I hope this doesn't bite me in the butt...like I'm missing some very obvious sarcasm or something- which could be, always. HA!
I may have even written about him before. He was my friend years ago, when I was heartbroken and devastated from losing babies. Especially after the 14 weeker, he and Julie and Ben and Michelle were the all time best about going to Friday's with me whenever my heart was crying. They were so sweet to me and we laughed and laughed.
It's a rare guy that comes along that a girl can have as an honest friend and it isn't about getting booty. They are precious and rare and the best ever, and he was one of them. I loved him dearly.
As I got married and started having babies, his career took off. Mine took me home, and his took him a little higher up the ladder. We still live under the same roof at work, as a matter of fact, but we didn't connect for YEARS. YEARS, I said. Some things were going down internally and we just didn't hang anymore. It was okay. He would always be a good guy to me.
Now he's married with a kid. And he's my boss.
And it was ROCKY to start out with.
For me, anyway. He was probably starting to hate me- at least it felt that way to me, and I was here struggling like hell to meet all the new demands made on me. I'm a rockstar, but -stupid as this may be- I thrive- THRIVE, I say! - under praise. I wilt away and die under constant criticizm. Which is what I felt was happening. As you may or may not know, I am not that hard to make happy. A little bit of honey goes a lonnnnnngggg way in getting me to do just about anything. i enjoy challenges, personal or otherwise, and I love to help. But you gotta pat my head now and then! So, I wrote him an email. I was crying when I wrote it, because I'd received another (perceived by me to be) rude, harsh email. My efforts weren't being acknowledged out loud. I'm seriously not that needy, but COME ON!
I was scared, of course. I'm not known for knowing when I should and shouldn't say something. I am moved by the moment and good luck getting me away from it. And I was MOVED.
So far- again, hopefully not shooting myself in the foot, it's been INCREDIBLE! I think we have a new understanding, and so far, so very, very good. YAY! Yay for Triple J, whom I will always be thankful for. Yay for us as a team. And, just maybe, it actually made him feel better too? Maybe?
Anyways, until I have my review in March, I'm going to say THREE CHEERS FOR COMMUNICATION- POSITIVE COMMUNICATION! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! It had been so long since I'd had to deal with personal/personel issues that I'd forgotten how terribly stressful and unfun they can be.
YIPPEE!
I may have even written about him before. He was my friend years ago, when I was heartbroken and devastated from losing babies. Especially after the 14 weeker, he and Julie and Ben and Michelle were the all time best about going to Friday's with me whenever my heart was crying. They were so sweet to me and we laughed and laughed.
It's a rare guy that comes along that a girl can have as an honest friend and it isn't about getting booty. They are precious and rare and the best ever, and he was one of them. I loved him dearly.
As I got married and started having babies, his career took off. Mine took me home, and his took him a little higher up the ladder. We still live under the same roof at work, as a matter of fact, but we didn't connect for YEARS. YEARS, I said. Some things were going down internally and we just didn't hang anymore. It was okay. He would always be a good guy to me.
Now he's married with a kid. And he's my boss.
And it was ROCKY to start out with.
For me, anyway. He was probably starting to hate me- at least it felt that way to me, and I was here struggling like hell to meet all the new demands made on me. I'm a rockstar, but -stupid as this may be- I thrive- THRIVE, I say! - under praise. I wilt away and die under constant criticizm. Which is what I felt was happening. As you may or may not know, I am not that hard to make happy. A little bit of honey goes a lonnnnnngggg way in getting me to do just about anything. i enjoy challenges, personal or otherwise, and I love to help. But you gotta pat my head now and then! So, I wrote him an email. I was crying when I wrote it, because I'd received another (perceived by me to be) rude, harsh email. My efforts weren't being acknowledged out loud. I'm seriously not that needy, but COME ON!
I was scared, of course. I'm not known for knowing when I should and shouldn't say something. I am moved by the moment and good luck getting me away from it. And I was MOVED.
So far- again, hopefully not shooting myself in the foot, it's been INCREDIBLE! I think we have a new understanding, and so far, so very, very good. YAY! Yay for Triple J, whom I will always be thankful for. Yay for us as a team. And, just maybe, it actually made him feel better too? Maybe?
Anyways, until I have my review in March, I'm going to say THREE CHEERS FOR COMMUNICATION- POSITIVE COMMUNICATION! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! It had been so long since I'd had to deal with personal/personel issues that I'd forgotten how terribly stressful and unfun they can be.
YIPPEE!
Butts and stuff.
Yeah, the bleeding was my butt.
It was excessive.
Your welcome for sharing that. : )
In other Monday news, I just checked facebook today, and saw a message from one JML regarding one SGH, and needing his number. There's a very important kitchen remodel going down in the preggo's home, and Ikea jacked up her order one way or another. NMH was slow on the draw though, since SGH was to be at JML's house today. SGH, who is known for his due diligence, was quicker to respond to JML, than NMH was. You'll be relieved to know that all is well on that front.
Peace OUT!
It was excessive.
Your welcome for sharing that. : )
In other Monday news, I just checked facebook today, and saw a message from one JML regarding one SGH, and needing his number. There's a very important kitchen remodel going down in the preggo's home, and Ikea jacked up her order one way or another. NMH was slow on the draw though, since SGH was to be at JML's house today. SGH, who is known for his due diligence, was quicker to respond to JML, than NMH was. You'll be relieved to know that all is well on that front.
Peace OUT!
I mean, REALLY?
Today is Monday. In 15 minutes, The Meeting will start at the U of M. My file will be there too, with all the other donors they are reviewing today. My kidney's will be up on the big screen so that everyone can see them, and they will determine if they look healthy enough to fly solo, and which one will be the best to take out. I still have one more test this Wednesday, the kidney function test, which I was reassured I would pass because if my kidney function was not good, I would have known it long before now.
So this morning there is blood in the toilet. Vaginal.
That is almost so typical it's funny. I mean, why not? When I got the kidney info back in April, my uterine issues kicked into high gear. I get it yanked, and get the kidney stuff going full blown again, and I have a gallstone the size of Texas. Get that removed, and have my donor eval...well, of COURSE. It makes sense then. What is this? A test to see how badly I want to donate a kidney?
The nurse is going to check with a dr and call me back. It is lighter now, just spotting. But seriously. There's no reason for it. She did say it could be the last stitch dissolving. Cullen says he hasn't felt a stitch. OH, until now, now he says that last week at one point he thought he felt something. *eyeroll* I grill him afterwards and he says there's nothing.
So. Hopefully it's just that and nothing else and I can carry on my merry way and ditch this darling kidney that works wonderfully well.
So this morning there is blood in the toilet. Vaginal.
That is almost so typical it's funny. I mean, why not? When I got the kidney info back in April, my uterine issues kicked into high gear. I get it yanked, and get the kidney stuff going full blown again, and I have a gallstone the size of Texas. Get that removed, and have my donor eval...well, of COURSE. It makes sense then. What is this? A test to see how badly I want to donate a kidney?
The nurse is going to check with a dr and call me back. It is lighter now, just spotting. But seriously. There's no reason for it. She did say it could be the last stitch dissolving. Cullen says he hasn't felt a stitch. OH, until now, now he says that last week at one point he thought he felt something. *eyeroll* I grill him afterwards and he says there's nothing.
So. Hopefully it's just that and nothing else and I can carry on my merry way and ditch this darling kidney that works wonderfully well.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Where Am I? Land of the Blah?
I don't know what is getting me. Is it the waiting? The feeling that there's no more that I can do for that so now I must wait? Is it my job (boss)? Yesterday I thought we had a pretty good day after I shared my feelings, but is it still weighing on me and I just don't know it? Is it that tomorrow is payday and I have more ways to spend that money than money that is making me feel like this? Is it winter? Is winter finally getting me? I vowed to make it til February before getting sucked into the black hole (and not my own, haha!) of a desperate need to see spring again.
No, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's not knowing what I want to be when I grow up. I have a stable and steady job, but as far as volunteering goes, I haven't found one thing that really grabs me. Organ donation does, maybe afterwards I'll find that I'm still passionate about it? I think my problem is that most issues that I perceive as being problems, are so huge that I feel helpless. I do a little something here and there knowing that I didn't solve anything, I might have made the load lighter for a second, but that's about it. I do realize if I stuck with one thing, I COULD and WOULD make a bigger difference, and that is the satisfaction that I keep missing. But what is that one thing? Where is it? Who do I hurt the most for? How do I pick? Should I do foster care some day? Should I work at the homeless shelter, helping people get back on their feet? Maybe I could work in the kitchen full time- right now, if someone doesn't volunteer, it doesn't happen. Is it kids? Is it grown ups? Is it people afflicted with disabilities that leave them requiring assistance? Is it our older generation, the one that most of us throw to the side?
How do I choose?
OH! The day just gets more and more interesting!
My friend Suzanne came over tonight, and I kid you not- word for word, she said "I need to find something that I'm passionate about, and I want it to be volunteer oriented, but I have no idea what to choose. What makes one issue any more important than another?!" and had the exact conversation with her, in real life, that I just got done saying up there. And she understood exactly. She suggested that we take the journey together. Isn't that interesting?
I was picking the kids up from school and walking with Lisa. Lisa mentions that she thought of me, because her friend mentioned how negative the news seems all the time, and how her friend mentioned finding good news happening and alerting the media. Well, this is something I've talked about wanting to do for a long time. ES and I talked about going out to interview people to get their good stories even. Lisa asked if I'd be interested in participating. I said YES! OF COURSE!!! wondering if she and I had ever talked about my ban of the news and my dream of doing the "good" news. It turns out she meant alerting the news about my dream of donating a kidney! It hardly seems news worthy to me, but she did it. Isn't that the sweetest heart ever?! Even that I came to mind. That is so sweet. Anyways, that's our new mission. We want to bombard the news with the good stories going on. We're going to have some FUN!!!!! I love kindred spirits!
I read the 4 part series that was just in the Star Trib on kidney donation. One of the surgeons who would do my surgery was in it. I t talked about the good and the bad, paired exchange and what compensation for donors would do for getting more people to donate, and how that could be done. It was really well written. I invited her to be a part of my donation since I'm new in it, if I get to do it. My sincerest hope is that she has been so bombarded by the same offer from many other people that she will need to turn me down. : ) That would be the best news ever!
Cowboy pizza from Papa Murphy's ROCKS THE HOUSE!!! Shawn and the kids came over tonight, and Suzanne and Michael came over too. It was a very fun night for ME! :) I need to shower soon. I need to go to work tomorrow. I feel like I need to do so many things. ONE THING AT A TIME.
Okay. First I'm going to procrasinate on the shower. :)
See?
I don't get to check it off (my procrastination) until 10:15. hehe
No, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's not knowing what I want to be when I grow up. I have a stable and steady job, but as far as volunteering goes, I haven't found one thing that really grabs me. Organ donation does, maybe afterwards I'll find that I'm still passionate about it? I think my problem is that most issues that I perceive as being problems, are so huge that I feel helpless. I do a little something here and there knowing that I didn't solve anything, I might have made the load lighter for a second, but that's about it. I do realize if I stuck with one thing, I COULD and WOULD make a bigger difference, and that is the satisfaction that I keep missing. But what is that one thing? Where is it? Who do I hurt the most for? How do I pick? Should I do foster care some day? Should I work at the homeless shelter, helping people get back on their feet? Maybe I could work in the kitchen full time- right now, if someone doesn't volunteer, it doesn't happen. Is it kids? Is it grown ups? Is it people afflicted with disabilities that leave them requiring assistance? Is it our older generation, the one that most of us throw to the side?
How do I choose?
OH! The day just gets more and more interesting!
My friend Suzanne came over tonight, and I kid you not- word for word, she said "I need to find something that I'm passionate about, and I want it to be volunteer oriented, but I have no idea what to choose. What makes one issue any more important than another?!" and had the exact conversation with her, in real life, that I just got done saying up there. And she understood exactly. She suggested that we take the journey together. Isn't that interesting?
I was picking the kids up from school and walking with Lisa. Lisa mentions that she thought of me, because her friend mentioned how negative the news seems all the time, and how her friend mentioned finding good news happening and alerting the media. Well, this is something I've talked about wanting to do for a long time. ES and I talked about going out to interview people to get their good stories even. Lisa asked if I'd be interested in participating. I said YES! OF COURSE!!! wondering if she and I had ever talked about my ban of the news and my dream of doing the "good" news. It turns out she meant alerting the news about my dream of donating a kidney! It hardly seems news worthy to me, but she did it. Isn't that the sweetest heart ever?! Even that I came to mind. That is so sweet. Anyways, that's our new mission. We want to bombard the news with the good stories going on. We're going to have some FUN!!!!! I love kindred spirits!
I read the 4 part series that was just in the Star Trib on kidney donation. One of the surgeons who would do my surgery was in it. I t talked about the good and the bad, paired exchange and what compensation for donors would do for getting more people to donate, and how that could be done. It was really well written. I invited her to be a part of my donation since I'm new in it, if I get to do it. My sincerest hope is that she has been so bombarded by the same offer from many other people that she will need to turn me down. : ) That would be the best news ever!
Cowboy pizza from Papa Murphy's ROCKS THE HOUSE!!! Shawn and the kids came over tonight, and Suzanne and Michael came over too. It was a very fun night for ME! :) I need to shower soon. I need to go to work tomorrow. I feel like I need to do so many things. ONE THING AT A TIME.
Okay. First I'm going to procrasinate on the shower. :)
See?
I don't get to check it off (my procrastination) until 10:15. hehe
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Good things come to those who wait....
I hate waiting. This reminds me, in some small way, of waiting to find out if I was pregnant. It's a dream, on the horizon, and I don't get to know for another week if I get to do it.
Psychology is so interesting. Today I am flat. I am emotionally drained, still- and there are other factors going into that, not just the waiting, but I am just...waiting. I'm scared. The last time I had to wait, I got a call a few days later from my lovie KN, telling me that it was over, I wasn't going to get to be a surrogate. I see the beauty in it now..., obviously. I'm uterusless. If we'd gone further in the process before it falling apart, it would have meant more heartbreak for L and M. If this doesn't work out, no one in particular is affected, just me. SIGH. I'll just have to let myself be absorbed by the rest of my life until I hear something.
I feel sick when I think about getting a dog. Just in case you wondered. My mother in law desperately wants me to have one, and she wants to come with me to the pound. I really do love animals more than humans (and I adore humans, mostly), but I just considered it again, and it makes me feel sick. I so don't want to clean up after an animal, or have to come home to let it out, or take it with me everywhere. I'm so not there yet. I still think if I get one it will have to be obnoxiously large or obnoxiously small, but the thought of one period, turns my stomach. Willow is enough.
I don't miss my period.
I smelled spring today. Did you? For one minute, I could see the potential in the melting. I know, I know. We've got effing MONTHS of this crap left, but I felt the potential for a second. The windows wide open, a warm 65 degree breeze blowing through, the kids running in and out, the world turning green after the icky white for so long.
CJ is so adorable. I really love who he is. Did I tell you this already? We were talking about girls in his class and I asked if anyone liked him (girl wise) and he said "yeah, there's a couple." I asked who, and he told me. I asked how he knew, and my smartie party 8 year old says "Well, one I can tell because she's always looking at me, and the other is always standing near me." heheh. I LOVE that. I love that he took notice of that and that he's just no big deal about it. It wasn't about cooties or girl germs or chasing on the playground. I love his heart.
Holmes on Homes is a decent show. I think I really like that guy. But I like Dog the Bounty Hunter too even though he's a FREAK. Okay, I could take or leave Dog, but I love Beth and her boobs, and I love Leiland. I don't know why. He is not attractive to me. Maybe it's a quiet confidence or something. I don't know. I'm sad it's not on. Nothing is flippin on. OH! Will & Grace is on. YAY ME! That show never stops being funny.
See how bored I am? I HATE CULLEN WORKING NIGHTS! I can't wait for this summer when he's on days again.
Sounds like we'll have a good turn out for Saturday. The kids should have a blast and I should get lots of adult time with grown ups! WHOO HOOOO!
I'm watching the biggest commercial right now. It's an Ikea commercial, and the hubby and wife come bounding into the kitchen, whoopin and hollering, like they entered a locker room, and they're all about all these appliances and the teamwork...yeah, not as good to hear about it, huh?
What else can I possibly entertain myself with?
Cute stories about the kids? TOnight Josh got up from doing homework- on his own- to help Julia look for her pink blankie which has been missing. He moved her BED to look behind it. On his OWN. I love that so much. I love when CJ comes into the room and he's carrying Jordan. I love watching Julia and Jordan at the Indoor park, when she's following behind him so she can give him a boost up onto the platforms that are a little too tall for him. They don't even talk about it, they just do it. THANK GOD they have eachother. All of them.
Okay, W&G is back on. You're off the hook. I'll be more interesting one of these days. I am covered in BLAH right now. : )
Psychology is so interesting. Today I am flat. I am emotionally drained, still- and there are other factors going into that, not just the waiting, but I am just...waiting. I'm scared. The last time I had to wait, I got a call a few days later from my lovie KN, telling me that it was over, I wasn't going to get to be a surrogate. I see the beauty in it now..., obviously. I'm uterusless. If we'd gone further in the process before it falling apart, it would have meant more heartbreak for L and M. If this doesn't work out, no one in particular is affected, just me. SIGH. I'll just have to let myself be absorbed by the rest of my life until I hear something.
I feel sick when I think about getting a dog. Just in case you wondered. My mother in law desperately wants me to have one, and she wants to come with me to the pound. I really do love animals more than humans (and I adore humans, mostly), but I just considered it again, and it makes me feel sick. I so don't want to clean up after an animal, or have to come home to let it out, or take it with me everywhere. I'm so not there yet. I still think if I get one it will have to be obnoxiously large or obnoxiously small, but the thought of one period, turns my stomach. Willow is enough.
I don't miss my period.
I smelled spring today. Did you? For one minute, I could see the potential in the melting. I know, I know. We've got effing MONTHS of this crap left, but I felt the potential for a second. The windows wide open, a warm 65 degree breeze blowing through, the kids running in and out, the world turning green after the icky white for so long.
CJ is so adorable. I really love who he is. Did I tell you this already? We were talking about girls in his class and I asked if anyone liked him (girl wise) and he said "yeah, there's a couple." I asked who, and he told me. I asked how he knew, and my smartie party 8 year old says "Well, one I can tell because she's always looking at me, and the other is always standing near me." heheh. I LOVE that. I love that he took notice of that and that he's just no big deal about it. It wasn't about cooties or girl germs or chasing on the playground. I love his heart.
Holmes on Homes is a decent show. I think I really like that guy. But I like Dog the Bounty Hunter too even though he's a FREAK. Okay, I could take or leave Dog, but I love Beth and her boobs, and I love Leiland. I don't know why. He is not attractive to me. Maybe it's a quiet confidence or something. I don't know. I'm sad it's not on. Nothing is flippin on. OH! Will & Grace is on. YAY ME! That show never stops being funny.
See how bored I am? I HATE CULLEN WORKING NIGHTS! I can't wait for this summer when he's on days again.
Sounds like we'll have a good turn out for Saturday. The kids should have a blast and I should get lots of adult time with grown ups! WHOO HOOOO!
I'm watching the biggest commercial right now. It's an Ikea commercial, and the hubby and wife come bounding into the kitchen, whoopin and hollering, like they entered a locker room, and they're all about all these appliances and the teamwork...yeah, not as good to hear about it, huh?
What else can I possibly entertain myself with?
Cute stories about the kids? TOnight Josh got up from doing homework- on his own- to help Julia look for her pink blankie which has been missing. He moved her BED to look behind it. On his OWN. I love that so much. I love when CJ comes into the room and he's carrying Jordan. I love watching Julia and Jordan at the Indoor park, when she's following behind him so she can give him a boost up onto the platforms that are a little too tall for him. They don't even talk about it, they just do it. THANK GOD they have eachother. All of them.
Okay, W&G is back on. You're off the hook. I'll be more interesting one of these days. I am covered in BLAH right now. : )
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Oh, to have a donor evaluation!
Man, today was a long day. I thought Lisa The Nurse was kidding when she said that I'd be wiped out later, due to the adrenaline and nerves. I didn't think I had that much of either, but BOOM! Momma CRASHED this afternoon. WOW!
I have to say- the U of M is a city unto itself. I could never go to college. There are too many people, too many buildings, too much commotion all the time. I guess that rules out NYC for me too. heheheh! The Transplant Center does an OUTSTANDING job of being on time. I say 8 different people today and not one was late!!! AMAZING!
First I had all the blood drawn out of me, til I was a pile of bones on the floor. heheh. Okay, it was probably only 7 vials. I stopped counting at 6. They check everything. I'm happy to report that my fasting blood sugar is good, my cholesterol is good, both the good and bad, everything looks okay. There was one test on there, and the surgeon prefaced what he said by "This test is terribly flawed..." but my number seemed a little low- it measures kidney function. He said that it is absolutely nothing to be concerned over, but on January 20th, I will go in for the 4 hour test- I will drink some dye (or have it in an IV?) and then I have to have blood drawn at 2 hrs, 3 hrs, 4 hrs. I've read about this in many donor blogs, and it doesn't sound like a thing to be concerned over at all. In fact, I think every donor blog I've read talks about it, which makes me feel better.
I (we) met with 2 different surgeons, who covered every single little aspect possible, including the death rate from surgery which is .003%. Cullen didn't like that, but that rate isn't much different than for a hysterectomy. OH! We talked about paired exchange- which is super cool and works awesome for non directed donors. What that means is that if there is a donor out there who has a recipient who doesn't match with them, but I match with the recipient, I will donate to them, and their recipient will be matched with their best match on the list. That way TWO transplants take place, instead of just one! The U of M just did their first one (it's not "new" per say, nationally, but the program that organizes it is, and the U got to participate!) and it was in the paper on Friday. : ) We'll see. That test has to come out right for me first.
I had a chest x ray (looks good!) and EKG. I did a CT scan of my kidney's. I'd love to get a good look at them! I think that's so cool. The iodine feels so bizarre when it goes through your body. Our bodies are just kick ass!
We met with the social worker and then I met with the psychologist. That was the ..hardest (?) part. Esp with non directed donors (and for the record, I think non directed is easier than having it be someone you're emotionally involved with). They really dig into what makes you want to do this, and when asked things like "what other charitable things have you done?" ...that feels gross to answer, because it's not about putting another thing on the list. But, whatever!
OH! Also- isn't this interesting? 50% of recipients never even write a thank you note. He was very clear with me that I should not expect a thing. And I don't. I'm okay with not hearing a thing ever on it. Like I said, for me, it's easier to be a non directed than know the person and worry that the kidney is going to fail, or see that they aren't feeling well or something. I get to walk away and carry with me that I did the best I could, and that's it. However, i was thinking about that statistic, and most of the donors know their recipient, so I guess I'm not surprised that the thank you letter that the hospital encourages doesn't happen- I think those people all see one another and there is no need for a letter. The right thing always happens! This much I know.
And to the world, and anyone in it who may be concerned that in the future, something health wise will come up for me, and the fact that I'll have only one kidney will become important in a not good way: I am not a victim. I have never been a victim and I never will be one. Be it cancer, an accident, anything that happens to me or someone I love, it does not make me a victim, it's just another circumstance to learn to grow around, embrace, become stronger for, whatever. And if I'm not a victim, I certainly don't require or need sympathy or any thing such as that.
In other news, I ate a bag of kettle corn all by myself tonight. Horrible. Jordan thought he was peeing in the toilet while half asleep, but peed all over himself instead. I love American Idol. My spider loves when I light a candle near the aquarium. OH! This morning I took the lid off to give her some "new" air, and then I went to go do something and I NEVER WENT BACK TO PUT THE LID ON. My beautiful spider didn't even make a run for it. But I was in some serious trouble with Cullen! He was fit to be tied. Right there in the waiting room I got "And if you EVER do what you did this morning AGAIN, you will be required to immediately get rid of Willow, and I won't care how much you cry about it.", just like a 5 year old. But I couldn't blame him. Can you even imagine what would have happened if he saw the lid off, and no Willow in the cage? Where do you even begin to look for a spider that size? How do you carry on with your day? You don't. He would have found it, and ditched my appt to go drop her off at a pet store, FO SHO. I'm so lucky she loves me and didn't want to go. I'd thank her by hugging her but I'm not going to.
TTFN!
I have to say- the U of M is a city unto itself. I could never go to college. There are too many people, too many buildings, too much commotion all the time. I guess that rules out NYC for me too. heheheh! The Transplant Center does an OUTSTANDING job of being on time. I say 8 different people today and not one was late!!! AMAZING!
First I had all the blood drawn out of me, til I was a pile of bones on the floor. heheh. Okay, it was probably only 7 vials. I stopped counting at 6. They check everything. I'm happy to report that my fasting blood sugar is good, my cholesterol is good, both the good and bad, everything looks okay. There was one test on there, and the surgeon prefaced what he said by "This test is terribly flawed..." but my number seemed a little low- it measures kidney function. He said that it is absolutely nothing to be concerned over, but on January 20th, I will go in for the 4 hour test- I will drink some dye (or have it in an IV?) and then I have to have blood drawn at 2 hrs, 3 hrs, 4 hrs. I've read about this in many donor blogs, and it doesn't sound like a thing to be concerned over at all. In fact, I think every donor blog I've read talks about it, which makes me feel better.
I (we) met with 2 different surgeons, who covered every single little aspect possible, including the death rate from surgery which is .003%. Cullen didn't like that, but that rate isn't much different than for a hysterectomy. OH! We talked about paired exchange- which is super cool and works awesome for non directed donors. What that means is that if there is a donor out there who has a recipient who doesn't match with them, but I match with the recipient, I will donate to them, and their recipient will be matched with their best match on the list. That way TWO transplants take place, instead of just one! The U of M just did their first one (it's not "new" per say, nationally, but the program that organizes it is, and the U got to participate!) and it was in the paper on Friday. : ) We'll see. That test has to come out right for me first.
I had a chest x ray (looks good!) and EKG. I did a CT scan of my kidney's. I'd love to get a good look at them! I think that's so cool. The iodine feels so bizarre when it goes through your body. Our bodies are just kick ass!
We met with the social worker and then I met with the psychologist. That was the ..hardest (?) part. Esp with non directed donors (and for the record, I think non directed is easier than having it be someone you're emotionally involved with). They really dig into what makes you want to do this, and when asked things like "what other charitable things have you done?" ...that feels gross to answer, because it's not about putting another thing on the list. But, whatever!
OH! Also- isn't this interesting? 50% of recipients never even write a thank you note. He was very clear with me that I should not expect a thing. And I don't. I'm okay with not hearing a thing ever on it. Like I said, for me, it's easier to be a non directed than know the person and worry that the kidney is going to fail, or see that they aren't feeling well or something. I get to walk away and carry with me that I did the best I could, and that's it. However, i was thinking about that statistic, and most of the donors know their recipient, so I guess I'm not surprised that the thank you letter that the hospital encourages doesn't happen- I think those people all see one another and there is no need for a letter. The right thing always happens! This much I know.
And to the world, and anyone in it who may be concerned that in the future, something health wise will come up for me, and the fact that I'll have only one kidney will become important in a not good way: I am not a victim. I have never been a victim and I never will be one. Be it cancer, an accident, anything that happens to me or someone I love, it does not make me a victim, it's just another circumstance to learn to grow around, embrace, become stronger for, whatever. And if I'm not a victim, I certainly don't require or need sympathy or any thing such as that.
In other news, I ate a bag of kettle corn all by myself tonight. Horrible. Jordan thought he was peeing in the toilet while half asleep, but peed all over himself instead. I love American Idol. My spider loves when I light a candle near the aquarium. OH! This morning I took the lid off to give her some "new" air, and then I went to go do something and I NEVER WENT BACK TO PUT THE LID ON. My beautiful spider didn't even make a run for it. But I was in some serious trouble with Cullen! He was fit to be tied. Right there in the waiting room I got "And if you EVER do what you did this morning AGAIN, you will be required to immediately get rid of Willow, and I won't care how much you cry about it.", just like a 5 year old. But I couldn't blame him. Can you even imagine what would have happened if he saw the lid off, and no Willow in the cage? Where do you even begin to look for a spider that size? How do you carry on with your day? You don't. He would have found it, and ditched my appt to go drop her off at a pet store, FO SHO. I'm so lucky she loves me and didn't want to go. I'd thank her by hugging her but I'm not going to.
TTFN!
Monday, January 11, 2010
ALIVE!
(From my booklet, for informational purposely only, and esp because someone asked me why not wait til I die if I want to donate so badly)
What are the advantages to using a living donor?
-The person with unhealthy kidneys does not need to wait for an organ from the transplant list. This can take 5 years or longer. Many people die before they receive an organ from the list.
-A living donor transplant takes the patient off the list, which shortens the wait for everyone else on the list.
-The person with kidney disease may get a transplant before having to go on dialysis. Dialysis harms the patient's health, restricts his or her diet and causes and great deal of stress to the whole family.
-The kidney is placed in the patient as soon as it is removed fromt he living donor. IT goes without a blood supply for only a short time. This iproves the chances that the kidney will work the way it should. A kidney from someone who has died must be stored for several hours before it is transplanted.
-The transplant can be done when both the donor and the patent are in the best physical and emotional health possible. If patients have sugery when they are very sick, the transplant is less likely to be successful.
The end. I can't wait til tomorrow! Having experiences are FUN!
What are the advantages to using a living donor?
-The person with unhealthy kidneys does not need to wait for an organ from the transplant list. This can take 5 years or longer. Many people die before they receive an organ from the list.
-A living donor transplant takes the patient off the list, which shortens the wait for everyone else on the list.
-The person with kidney disease may get a transplant before having to go on dialysis. Dialysis harms the patient's health, restricts his or her diet and causes and great deal of stress to the whole family.
-The kidney is placed in the patient as soon as it is removed fromt he living donor. IT goes without a blood supply for only a short time. This iproves the chances that the kidney will work the way it should. A kidney from someone who has died must be stored for several hours before it is transplanted.
-The transplant can be done when both the donor and the patent are in the best physical and emotional health possible. If patients have sugery when they are very sick, the transplant is less likely to be successful.
The end. I can't wait til tomorrow! Having experiences are FUN!
He loves me! He really loves me!
I got the nicest surprise of all last night! Cullen told me that he can't stand the idea of me going to the U by myself tomorrow, and that he wants to go with me!!! WOWWIE! In fact, he's going to drop me off in the am, come home and get the kids arranged, and then come back! YAY ME!!! I was totally good going by myself. I'm excited for this appt, so after I had my wahhhh about it last week, about going alone, my sister was going to take work off, and I realized that I was fine going by myself. Like really and truly fine. But my heart did sing when Cullen said that! YAY!!!! The kids will all be up extra early. We have to leave the house *early* to get there in time. I'm so happy!!!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Dear Boss,
My darling boss,
If you had any idea of what I am juggling every day, at any given moment, I think that you'd pat me on the back and tell me I'm doing good. However, you reside on the side of this that says that I am not suposed to be affected by my offspring. It should be as if they are not here. But...THEY ARE HERE> That's why I work from home, so I can be home with my babies too.
My old boss understood. BUT, I do know that you are learning to. I can't say I'm looking forward to my review. Not only did I start learning about releasing orders, but suddenly I had to start punching in and out, and in and out for lunch. Can i tell you a secret? My day is the same, all the time. SOmetimes I am not sitting with my headset on, because I'm playing with my kids. Sometimes I sit them down and we do learning time together. Oh, don't get me wrong, They know they get me for a little bit becuase I'll have to go check on my work, and they are angels when I need to call salons back. But I haven't had one week yet that you haven't had to chase after me about a missed punch or whatever. GOD I try. It's ridiculous. I think I'm going to have alzheimers from having to divide my attention so severely for so long. It was tough to do before, but now that you are trying to streamline something which truly cannot be...OUCH! I've never been so glad to punch out before, and be DONE with work, when I can spend more than 15 minutes a time with my kids.
I paid $80 today for all 4 of the kids to be in daycare.
WOrking is much easier in the office.
But I want to be HERE with THEM. It isn't for much longer, of course, which leads to a bunch of other stuff. When they are all in school, what will I do then? Come back into the office for 40 hours a week? Join all the other parents who have the rush-rush after work, where we have to slam everything into a couple of hours at night and weekends? I don't know. I better know by then. But right now, I don't know. I can't see past each day though. Man, you wouldn't believe the planning that goes into each day. I'm multitasking more than even YOU, Boss! And you can multitask like a son of a bitch for a guy. You're impressive. But I'm juggling, dude. Big time.
So, I'm sorry when you have to get on me about my punches. I wasn't kidding when I said that I don't want you paying any extra attention to me. You've got enough to do and my life is so much easier to juggle when you aren't chasing after me for one thing or another. But I dare you to change places with me just once. I've been very blessed to be able to work from home, but you've made me cry more over trying to balance it all in a few months' time than I cried over it in years. I'm adapting and I'm jumping through your hoops, but please be patient a little longer. I'm getting there.
GOD I wish I drank! Or had someone to drink with, anyway. hehe
If you had any idea of what I am juggling every day, at any given moment, I think that you'd pat me on the back and tell me I'm doing good. However, you reside on the side of this that says that I am not suposed to be affected by my offspring. It should be as if they are not here. But...THEY ARE HERE> That's why I work from home, so I can be home with my babies too.
My old boss understood. BUT, I do know that you are learning to. I can't say I'm looking forward to my review. Not only did I start learning about releasing orders, but suddenly I had to start punching in and out, and in and out for lunch. Can i tell you a secret? My day is the same, all the time. SOmetimes I am not sitting with my headset on, because I'm playing with my kids. Sometimes I sit them down and we do learning time together. Oh, don't get me wrong, They know they get me for a little bit becuase I'll have to go check on my work, and they are angels when I need to call salons back. But I haven't had one week yet that you haven't had to chase after me about a missed punch or whatever. GOD I try. It's ridiculous. I think I'm going to have alzheimers from having to divide my attention so severely for so long. It was tough to do before, but now that you are trying to streamline something which truly cannot be...OUCH! I've never been so glad to punch out before, and be DONE with work, when I can spend more than 15 minutes a time with my kids.
I paid $80 today for all 4 of the kids to be in daycare.
WOrking is much easier in the office.
But I want to be HERE with THEM. It isn't for much longer, of course, which leads to a bunch of other stuff. When they are all in school, what will I do then? Come back into the office for 40 hours a week? Join all the other parents who have the rush-rush after work, where we have to slam everything into a couple of hours at night and weekends? I don't know. I better know by then. But right now, I don't know. I can't see past each day though. Man, you wouldn't believe the planning that goes into each day. I'm multitasking more than even YOU, Boss! And you can multitask like a son of a bitch for a guy. You're impressive. But I'm juggling, dude. Big time.
So, I'm sorry when you have to get on me about my punches. I wasn't kidding when I said that I don't want you paying any extra attention to me. You've got enough to do and my life is so much easier to juggle when you aren't chasing after me for one thing or another. But I dare you to change places with me just once. I've been very blessed to be able to work from home, but you've made me cry more over trying to balance it all in a few months' time than I cried over it in years. I'm adapting and I'm jumping through your hoops, but please be patient a little longer. I'm getting there.
GOD I wish I drank! Or had someone to drink with, anyway. hehe
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