Going for a blogging record

Screw off, my house is clean, kids in bed and Cullen's not home. Bite me.
Last night I was in the shower. Want details? I do have a routine- I suppose we all do. I washed my gorgeous locks, and rinsed. Then I washed my face, and rinsed. (heheh). Then I grabbed the new conditioner and squirted some in my hand. As I rubbed my hands together and got ready to slide it over said gorgeous, wet, clean locks, I caught the scent of it.
"Hmmm," I thought to myself, "that smells is really really familiar..." but I couldn't place it. So I carried on- I mean, that's not SHOWER STOPPING, ya know? I wasn't thinking of anything in particular on purpose, but I found myself feeling sad, and defensive? Weird. I was thinking "Nope, there is no reason to ever go back to Mexico. I mean, I did it one time, after the horrible miscarrying time, and that's enough. If we ever go back, I'm not going to Cancun. There is just NO REASON to go there again. I didn't even want to fucking go the first time. I was so sick and no one would FUCKING LISTEN TO ME..." and before you knew it, I was all the way in Mexico again. WTF? I was in the shower, shaving, and crying, missing my baby. "My baby, my baby, my baby..." just like when I was in Mexico. It was astounding to me, how devastated I felt about something that happened 10 years ago. It hit me in the stomach, only deeper. My soul. It was revertabrating in my soul. Is that a word??? I ached to "come home", I ached for that feeling of loss, the loss of control, the horrible vacation gone wrong to end...ugh.
I was rinsing my hair when it hit me.
While in Mexico the first time, I was in the tub. My back, oh my back hurt. I didn't feel that it was contractions/cramps yet. But I had started spotting. I was so sick and so miserable and had no idea what was going on. Everyone we were there with just wanted to party, including my poor Cullen, and I was cute, my stomach had just popped out, I had felt the baby moving a few times, and here I was, feeling horrid. I was in the tub, trying to get my back to stop hurting, and I was shaving with the new shaving cream I'd bought.
And it smelled just like the conditioner.

a DECADE later....and I can still smell it.

Piano - Music Box Dancer

It's my favorite song ever. It makes me cry and remember things from other times, but they are happy love tears.

One More Week

One more week, and I'll be able to hear much clearer again, see clearer, remember clearer.
I love the world again.

Elephants

Cullen and I can fly to Thailand for a measley $3500 and go to the Elephant Sanctuary. We'd get to practically make out with them, for super cheap. I mean, the meeting the E's are cheap, apparently it's going to be GETTING there that sucks donkey ass. I don't even have a passport. Must be some easier way. ;)

YEAH BABY! Guess who DOES have Elephants I can make out with? ARKANSAS!!!!! Oh, funk me. It's $700 A PERSON!!!!! For the whole weekend. All meals and lodging are included. I'm calling Cullen. Wish me luck. ;) We go in November to Arkansas. I gotta find out how far away it is from my sisters house. PLUS by then we'll have an RV anyway and can really go whenever, cept I'm NOT paying that much money for my babies to do it. :) How's that for selfish? It's 3 hours from Rose's. They don't do daytrips, only weekends.
Check it. Should we get the "poor Cullen" thing out of the way now? I'm DOING THIS. I will do bj's on the side or whatever I need to to make the $700 okay. Or $1400 really. He'd never let me do it by myself. I'm DOING THIS.
http://www.elephantsanctuary.org/default2.asp

Dance me!

In case you didn't believe me (you know how you are!), I'm about to go get on the treadmill. I haven't ran in WEEKS.
AND FURTHERMORE, it was supposed to rain today. 60% chance. I can see the sun right now as I type, and don't you for one second think that my feeling good and the sunshine coming out instead of rain today is a coincidence!!! It's ALL ME!
I'm going to strap on my new running shoes (Cullen has way more faith in me than I had/have in myself!) and DO THIS! Cullen has to work tonight and tomorrow night until 9:00pm.

The bad news: He hasn't seen any class A RV's at the RV show for me. :( Back to Craigslist. If any show up, he'll let us know. ;)

OH- here's the other thing I was thinking about. You know how people have bucket lists? The problem I have with this is that we all still assume that we have 40 years to get that shit done. I want to pretend that in 4 months I'm outta here, and see how fast I can make my wish list come true. I'm almost done with my ebook, and the newest thing on my list is that elephant. I wasn't kidding. I need to pet one. In fact, while I finish dinner, I shall google it and find out How To Pet An Elephant.
What's on your list? Are you ready to make it happen? Let's do it!

I don't think you understand-

How AWESOME I am today!
I'm awesome everyday (hah! Just ask me, I'll tell you), but have you ANY IDEA how much I've missed myself for the past how many weeks? I have never had a hormone attack of that magnitude, or been that affected by cysts (which is just hormones at play again) before. It was mentioned to me that it might not be a bad idea to get my hormone levels checked as I'm due for perimenopause Soon, and if this is the beginning, well FUCK ME, I'M DEAD MEAT. :) Sorry for the language, but I cannot go through what I just did again anytime soon, YA HEAR ME? Lucky for me, I have the number of Dr. Marcus, who loves menopause and hormone issues so at first sight of another attempted murder by my hormones, I'm calling his ass. I should call NOW but that's so hard to do when you're feeling good. :D Cheers!
AND, ya'll - ONE MORE WEEK and right now at this time, I'll be on my way to BlueFin Bay where ALL GOOD THINGS HAPPEN. CAN'T! WAIT!

It's official: I'm alive!

Cullen brought home a triple shot mocha. It's been a week since I've had some serious caffeine. I'm back, and I've missed you all dearly. Kiss to you, kiss to you, kiss to you, kiss to you!
I am positive it's the caffeine, but I can see straight into the future again. There's nothing I can't do and nothing I haven't done! Both babies are cooperating today and I've clean out papers and drawers and LIFE IS GOOD AGAIN. I believe! I can see the point of life again! WHOOO HOOO!!!!

All this, and I don't need to wear a pad for my period. GOD I love my hysterectomy!

More later! *putting cape on*...

Being Human

One of the hardest things about being in a human body is that we are so confined, in so many ways. Being stuck in a body and having no previous memory of where we were or where we've been or what we've already done works to accomplish our (this) life (if you're me and this is what you believe), but it means that we deal with very human emotions. Love is all there is, but we wouldn't know that if we didn't also have fear. And fear breeds jealousy, anger, resentment...if we're lucky and we've done a lot of work, we can kinda hoover above those things some times, and stay in the area that is love, particularly in relationship with another, anyone else.

This might just be me, but for me it has, in the past, been easier to love others unconditionally than say...Cullen. That's how it was for a long time, and might still be to some extent. That's simply because I don't have to deal with other peoples "real" shit day after day. I can deal with them from "here", from where I am. I can love anyone through anything from HERE. Would it be different if I actually lived with it and their actions that are so easy to forgive from here actually affected me because I lived with them? Of course. Am I right? I can deal with her smoking, his drinking, her poor choices of going out and getting smashed, or staying with him, or him staying in his job, on and on and on...easy! I don't think this is just me. When I realized how well I love the rest of the world through all their very human shit (that we all have, I am not immune), I decided to look at Cullen through those same eyes. Because when it comes right down to it, although his shit affects me just as mine affects him, it doesn't HAVE TO affect my attitude or my day. It's MUCH HARDER, no doubt, to overcome some irritation with him and carry on to have a great day, but it's possible. That is a gift I can give to myself. I can also remember that nothing I see around me is really real, and I can see through the illusion. There are things I can use to overcome my little irritations- like the fact that I know he loves me, bottom line. He hates it when I'm mad at him and would never purposely "go there". That has saved me (and him, because he reallly lets me affect him) a lot in the past ...I don't know how long. I try- TRY- to go straight to the heart of it- he wouldn't purposely upset me. There are things that I don't do well with this though, like his drinking. He mostly keeps it in check, but his attitude is kinda that one day out of the weekend is "his" to do with as he wishes, which 99% of the time means he "can" drink as much as he wants to, and I shouldn't get mad as long as he doesn't say anything overly hurtful to me. I think this is stupid just because we're all grown up now and there must be other ways of coping with life. But other than that, I really have learned to let a lot of things go.

And I still have miles to go. Amazing! :p
6th day without out coffee. Red Lobster for breakfast. Julia just came and announced "nothing's going the way I want it to out there" so I'm going to put on some tea and have some conversation with my brilliant 6 year old. Maybe by tonight I'll be forgiven?

Nicki Fail

Who doesn't love it when the can do no wronger (bwahhh hahahahahhaha- ME??) does wrong? Therefore, even though Cullen won't read this and I would never tell him I blogged it, I'll tell you anyway.

Last night I sucked. I went out to dinner with Suzanne at Red Lobster- I picked her up and dropped her off since she still can't drive. I got to her house at 5:30, we got to Red Lobster at 6, and before I freaking knew it, it was 8:50.
Does that sound like a big deal?
Well, in this house it is.
I had intended on being home before 8pm, to start things off. I never put a time on it, but I said I was going early to get home early. I don't drink, especially when I'm out because I would hate to put everyone around me and my own family in jeopardy by doing that, so it wasn't like I was out pounding some drinks down. No, we were just talking. But I didn't check the time and I didn't call to tell Cullen that I was safe and was just still out gabbing. That might have helped.
I completely misunderstood what he had said earlier. What I thought he'd said was that Shawn (his brother, whose night it was to babysit Jane) might have to leave early to drop Jade off so if he needed someone to go stay with Jane til Mike got home (which we never do- we never stay til he gets home, but whatever).....so I should have been checking my phone for THAT phone call anyway, which I just didn't do. Even worse was that (he SAYS) he was supposed to go over there, period, and Shawn wasn't there at all. So he had to call his mom every half hour and explain that I still wasn't there (sketchy on this part because she hates babysitters, but does love to see her kids. We were just there Monday night also). But even if he was exaggerating (he was), I have to take it, because I didn't check my phone at all, and completely didn't consider that he might have to go somewhere at some point.
If you followed all that, you will also see a discrepancy in the fact that he apparently thought he was going to his moms EARLY, and yet heard me say I was going out with Suzanne, but whatever.
So I get in the car, drive Suzanne home, and by this time, knew I was in trouble before I even looked at the phone. I finally looked. NINE calls from Cullen. Ruh Roh!
He wouldn't answer when I started phone stalking him back, and finally text: Just so you know, I'm fucking pissed.

And I suppose I would have been also. So there. I was properly sorry. Still not fully forgiven.

Isn't it kinda funny? The worst thing I do is go out to eat for a few hours without checking in. :) I still pretty much rock.
Oh, then there was the moment when he said "and how would I know you were even out with SUZANNE?" meaning I could have been out with my boyfriend and he wouldn't have known since I didn't answer the phone for hours- which, by the way- IS totally irritating. There you have it. Just so you hear the same excuses he did, I just had no idea so much time had passed, and I should always have my phone IN HAND in case he calls (sarcasm! Bad Nicki!). Next time, I'll be more careful, I promise. No forgive me already!

In the next segment of this, shall we examine how often the best chance we have for Complete Honesty is during a fight, when you're mad or defensive and ready to spit out "the truth"? It's true, but I'll have to explore that more later because I have kids here now. What do you think?

Poop Stories

Sorry to N who already heard this, but who hasn't had this happen?

Here's the situation: Let's say you haven't pooped in a few days. This is not normal, of course, and you know you're growing a monster in there. But fiber bars don't work, V8 doesn't work, so eventually you figure when the time is right, the magic will happen.
You feel That Urge.
In you go, to the potty. If you're me, it took you about 2 pushed to figure out that this one was going to be the one to kill you, so you yell for back up. In this case it was Cullen (the kids really hate helping me poop. I'm JUST KIDDING. They love it! No, no, of course I don't make them help me. Good Lord!). What happens is this- you push HARD. It's working, but it's ripping you apart. You can almost feel cheek a fully seperate all the way up the "seam" from cheek b, and you think ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSON! so you stop pushing.
Unfortunately, the poo is so hard/firm/solid and it's just far enough out now so there's no going back, and no amount of butt clenching can get it to drop. You're screwed. The longer you sit this way, the more certain it is that you'll only be connected by some hip tissue when this is over. You dab the sweat off your brow, curse a time or two and swear that NOTHING in the world is worth THIS pain, decide God can't possibly exist, or maybe if she'll help get this thing out of you it will serve as proof that she does...and push some more. If you've given birth, you've heard the annoying ass chant "Push through the pain"...yeah. and then finally, just like giving birth, you feel your intestines shrinking where the poo was, and is now moving out and you know the nightmare is almost over. Take one more deep breath and you push it the rest of the way out.

Success!

See? You read through all of that because it has been you at one time in the past.

:D

I have to wonder...

perhaps I was right. Maybe this isn't cyst induced KILLER PMS. Maybe I'm just a cynical bitch? Maybe that's my new hat? Because guess what? I have all this good stuff around me: dinner in the crock, I get to go out with Suzanne tonight, my mom just surprised us and came and picked up the kids- yes, all four, plus Payten, both babies are sleeping, I have Direct TV now instead of Comcast, the basement is picked up, i got rid of a ton of shit today (thank you, Nik!), but do you know what?
I really just hate the world.

I think I'm setting a world record for being able to hold my breath under water. Wonder how much longer I can keep it up.

I might

MIGHT..I might be back to normal.
It's early, and no one is awake yet, but it might be true.
I might be getting a break from the hell I've been in.
The test will be if I start hating anyone that has any drama or appears fake. ;) I hope you're laughing because that's just about everyone, me included, right?
Okay, wish me luck. Don't welcome me back just yet.

Jupiter

I'm still out in orbit somewhere, with precious few people that dare to visit that don't make me burst into tears or want to rip my (their) hair out in frustration.
Sigh.
This stupid ass cycle can't last forever, can it?

I did, however, enjoy a few REALLY GOOD HOURS last night, and that was the first time in DAYS that I got any hours that weren't full of tears. I don't think you fully understand what a struggle it is to live right now, do you? We dropped the kids off at CULLENS PARENTS and met Rick and Tina out for dinner and it was awesome. Then they came over. I hadn't felt close to normal in days and days, so that was nice. Too bad I couldn't get it to last into today.
And no, I won't go on medication. I'm very sorry, but it's not for me. It is, apparently, for 95% of the Western world, but not me. This happens to me once in a blue moon when I have cysts and then go through the 2nd half of my cycle. What's really sad and pathetic to me is this---about 5 years ago I got hit this hard, and I was dying. Jordan was an infant, Julia was 2, Josh 3 and CJ 5. I was DYING. I called the nurse and left a message which said "I'm not going to survive this month's PMS round. Don't want anti depressants, I don't need something all the time, I'm wondering if there is anything out there for once every 8 months, or 3 years or whatever." She called back and said this "The dr called a rx for Selexa (ANTI DEPRESSANT!!) for you. It's ready to be picked up. It's the lowest dosage possible. Take one a day." I asked her if that was just til my cycle started again and she said "He recommends staying on it all month long."
Really, ruckheads? No.
So I already have proof that I can get on meds without even being seen, I can get on probably anything if I call and say the right thing. That's nuts! I don't want to be on something I will need to "wean" off of and face it: our bodies will put up with a hell of a lot of synthetic drugs, and I just don't want to do that to my body. We put enough shit in them all the time. I looked out for my body that way before, and I'll do so even more now.
I'll keep trying to nutritionally save myself. My caffeine headache is gone (day 3), but my give a damn about anyone or anything is still out to lunch too.
Cullen is a saint a million times over and I would bet a trillion dollars that no one else on the face of this earth could deal with the never ending tears that have been in our house lately. He remembers now, too, how it used to be years ago.
Anyway- here's hoping I'm on the downhill slide. And that these rucking cysts will dissipate soon so I don't have another PMS ride like this one next month. This makes being dizzy and pukey feeling seem like a ride on a vicodin cloud.
Cheers! ;)

Sometimes...

Sometimes it takes me a little while to pull my head out of my rear end.
I think I'm halfway there.
You know, when you feel out of control, the first thing we should really do is find SOMETHING to control. It's all an illusion, of course, but we mind screw ourselves about so many things on a day to day basis- GO FOR IT.
I am very sad to say that I haven't had any caffeine today, and I will not. I don't have a doctor I trust, I don't like any of my options (and here you thought I really was a surgery whore!) regarding cysts in the first place- so what's left? ME. That's what. I don't even eat THAT shitty in the first place. I am not poisoning my body with alcohol or cigs and I don't eat red meat all that often...but clearly there is still an imbalance of some sort, right? So out goes caffeine, at least I only drink 1-2 cups a day. Hopefully the headache won't hurt too much. And for a few days I'll just eat as well as I can and see if that doesn't help those cysts. Maybe I'll get enough energy to run again?
Wabasha? Maybe.

No, Really.

I hate the world.
Dear Universe,
Somewhere under all these hormones is where the real me is. Please save me.
Thanks.

One more shout out-

I forgot to give proper props to Ted yesterday. One of my favorite things in the whole world are when boys aren't afraid to talk girl stuff. And then it's even better when they actually kinda understand whatever it is you say.
I always give them an out when they ask about girl stuff. In this case, Ted had made a funny on facebook after my post about getting to see my vaginal cuff, and inside of my vagina (which was really, really, REALLY cool). He said "Call me when you get your cuff under control!" and earned 400 funny points for it.
When I called him back yesterday, he said "what's the deal with all this surgery?" and I told him that I wasn't having anymore surgery. He'd read something about the cysts- and so I gave him just a little info- and he asked another question. More points for him. So I told him the short version of the whole story: I should have had them taken out when my uterus got yanked, but I didn't know any better and now I'm scared of more surgery and menopause and stuck in a stupid "waiting" place, and if you know Dr. Suess at all, you know that the "waiting place" is a HORRID NIGHTMARE of a place to be (Oh, The Places You'll Go). We talked about that for a little while. He gets lots of points. I think it actually points to how evolved a man is when they can handle girl stuff.
On the flip side of that, however...is a little heartache. Almost every boy I know who is unafraid of girl stuff is that way because they have a girl in their lives that they love, and together they go through some really hard shit, that involves girl parts and girl stuff. So with all those worthless points, comes my love. I am so sorry to everyone who knows about the hard stuff that goes on.

Just sometimes...

Just sometimes *it* gets me...
Today is Shannon's birthday.

And it gives me happy love tears.

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes I can actually FEEL what happened when I donated lefty. And it's big.

Guess Who Has To Wear A Belt?

My size 10's are sliding down. Isn't that funny? Hey, maybe it's not my cysts! Maybe it's the fact that we haven't had any butter, salt or coffee creamer in the house for over a month. Whatever is happening, it's magic.

Reason #1,232,422 that my mom and dad RULE. First of all- my dad. He is the all time best grandpa ever EVER. EVER!!!!!! Cullen's dad, while I know that he "loves" his grandchildren, he's the "no" Grandpa. Partially his fault, partially I understand. But it doesn't matter, because we have the YES grandpa on my side. He came over yesterday to surprise Julia and Jordan and bring them to McDonalds. That is SO awesome!!! Then my rockin mom called to ask if we'd like to come over for dinner. YES! Tatertot hotdish. It was phenomenal.. But it gets even better. Michelle, Mom and I went to Borders, which is closing. Mom came over, with a book, explaining "It has IDIOT in the title but that isn't why I thought of you...." and hands me THE COMPLETE IDIOTS GUIDE TO RVING! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! :) Like!
I'm not the proud new owner of it. And I LOVE IT. Of course, reading it made the itch almost unbearable, but I'll be a good girl and read it and wait patiently. :) I'll have an RV. We'll hit the road. It's going to be amazing. Can't wait.

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY. I just have to make it through today. And I'll finally call the nurse back, and then call A's dr and schedule a second opinion.
ALSO funny is my friend Niki, who is going to have her gall bladder out, just had an u/s for cysts, and was found to have a thickening of her uterine lining, and she's panicking about d&c's and possibly hysterectomies. Kinda funny, in a bizarre way.
The end.

And...there!

Every now and then, something amazing happens. Okay, something amazing happens all the time, but once in awhile when I can't stand this planet anymore, and I'm screaming in my head "What the hell is going on?!" ...sometimes someone answers me.

This doesn't always happen. Sometimes the "lesson" is that I am never alone, even when I feel the most alone, and I have to get to that place by myself. Sometimes when I'm feeling this way, I get a little treat from the universe in the form of an email from a friend, or some reminder about something kick ass cool coming up.

And sometimes, when I'm bored out of my mind by myself and all the goings on around me---the fun shows up all by itself.
Teddy called.
Not Red Teddy, you pervs. Ted, my friend and real estate agent. We've known him forever (before he was our real estate agent), and have loved him just as long. He knows I'm a house hunting fanatic and has always said he'd love to get me working for him. And funny enough, he drives by our first apartment ever every single day on his way to work, and said "I think about you every. single. day." This is good. This is way better than thinking of me every single day when you flush the toilet, or if you were a vet spaying cats and dogs. :) Anyway, what he called for was perfect: A Little Something. It's nothing big, which is why it's PERFECT. I'm doing daycare right now, and he would need me very little. He didn't even want to know if I'm all the way on board, he just wanted a little toe on board. He's formulating plans of making his own real estate team. I'd be assistant. It'd be little, itty bitty at first. Tiny. Petit. Wee. PERFECT! See? Yes, that is all I needed. To know that there are options out there, avenues. Things. Places. People.
It might be nothing at all. It doesn't even matter. :) Awesome.

Great news about Dawn!

Who is Dawn, you are wondering? Maybe not, but I'll tell you anyway.
Once upon a time, I was at the Transplant Clinic and the receptionist screwed things up really good. Not for me, but for a woman named Dawn.
I started getting things in the mail for her. Packages. A letter telling her she couldn't be on the active transplant list until she lost the amount of weight they'd discussed (yes, I know it was illegal to open that but I had to figure out who to call to tell them that all their information for Dawn was wrong- phone number, address, EVERYTHING.) I cried when I read that. It broke my heart. I can't handle knowing people out there need kidneys and that most people are too scared to help them at all. It sucks. Nell Johnson- remember her, anyone? Mrs. Johnson, the teacher- she's in DESPERATE need. She's so sick...no one can or will help. She's one of 80,000+. But anyway---
guess what I got? I got a call from Fairview Home Care! GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS!!! OUR GIRL GOT HERSELF A KIDNEY! WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I'm so excited for her!!!!!
Either that, or she's started dialysis at home instead of the hospital, but I'm going to hope that it was transplant surgery that made the home care nurse call.

Here's hopin', anyway!

Dreaming

I only look like I'm HERE. I'm actually there, and I'm curled up in a blanket, and completely passed out, with the waves singing to me.
I actually get nervous sometimes, isn't that silly? I get nervous, wondering if I'm going to be there, and it's going to hurt. If it's going to hurt like sometimes it does, it evokes a feeling that I am trapped in my body, this body that I'm here to use to experience things I cannot otherwise. And yet, sometimes I feel so jealous of the free waves, pulled on by the moon. That probably sounds outright crazy, right? Sometimes I can thank the waves for getting my feelings out for me, as they pound the rocks over and over, sometimes gently washing over them, othertimes unleashing their full fury and power. I'm never quite sure which way it's going to come out. But right now, they'd be reassuring me that everything is actually how it's meant to be, and that since all is right with the world, I have nothing at all to worry over, and that I should indeed close my eyes and let the waves sweep me away. 2 weeks from today. Some people think "vacation", especially SPRING BREAK, and want to be where the action is- they want Cali, Florida, South Carolina, Padre Islands, Vegas, where WILD TIMES and WHO KNOWS WHAT awaits. You'll find me on the rocks every single time. It's actually a downfall- I should explore more places, but I see something new every single time. And really- isn't nature the all time best? Nothing manufactured can compare.
I wonder if I click my heels three times right now, will I appear there?

I keep learning!

I seem to "learn" alot when I'm a hormonal basket case. Have you noticed?

I realized that I absolutely do not care if I don't have a million readers. I don't even want that many people to be reading my head. I do not care about being "famous". I don't care of people do not know who I am! I'm free! My life is not about trying to be heard. Isn't that nice?????
I could put a million tags on this, and I could advertise this, I could write a "real" blog, an "important" blog, but guess what? I DON'T WANT TO!
AND! Even MORE mind blowing will be this little nugget: It doesn't matter. That isn't going to stop me!
Isn't that fantastic?! Think of all the people so focused on getting famous or being heard or getting recognized...all the energy they put out trying to keep that up. I can almost promise you that in a past live (or 4, or 5) I've been famous, and I have enjoyed all that came with it, and also experienced what an exhausting emotional roller coaster that is. I don't want it.
I also don't need to be concerned with keeping up with the latest technology. This is going to be the most mind blowing revelation of all: I could actually move out to Northfield, into my perfect farm house with the nearest neighbor within shouting distance but not a stones throw away, with a creek running through the back, 2 cows, some chickens, 2 horses, a miniature elephant...and not own a cellphone--- AND! HERE IT COMES, GET READY!!!- STILL change my little world by being in it. I can still affect other people in GIGANTIC AND FANTASTIC WAYS. Knowing this makes me really, really happy.
I'm okay with others striving for and even reveling in fame, or perceived adoration/admiration. Enjoy it! Me? I'll be relaxing somewhere, quietly (haha, did you laugh at that?) going about my own business, and at the end of the day I'll be just as happily satisfied, if not more so, than anyone else.

GO ME AND MY NON FAME NEEDING SELF!!!!

Carry on. This Bitch Rant is DONE!

Losing My Mind

Sometimes I think that I really am losing my mind.
Really.
Ever have one of those lives?
First of all- sometimes a little bit of news sinks in and I can't stop it. Someone is ASTOUNDED that the price of Japan's DISASTER has DWARFED Katrina's pricetag.
OMFG.
I don't even know where to START. Are you KIDDING ME? Are we that fucking self centered????? Katrina sucked. But we didn't have NEARLY the loss of human life, we didn't have NEARLY the disaster. I know we're still "recovering" from it, but give me a break. American's would lose their minds if we had to endure what Japan is. We loot, we steal, we are all for ourselves. We are a bunch of selfish assholes who believe that the best man should win, survival of the fittest, etc. We're STUPID. Of COURSE Japan's disaster is more costly than ours- in every way, shape and form. The fact that anyone is surprised by this makes me really, really wonder about this stinkin world.

Next, I'm going to spew my very uneducated opinion on this, and I'm counting on MFN to chime in and set me all sorts of ways straight.
Michael Buble.
I liked him.
I'm over him.
He's cute. And he's talented. And they have now manufactured him into a nice little cracker jack box. Some of the things that he has written are good, andyou can tell when he's singing them that he feels them. But far, far too many (I listen to big band and swing all day, rem
ember. I'm 400 years old) of the songs are just remakes that he doesn't feel. He doesn't sound like he feels them at all. He's just singing. I can't tell and I don't know if these are songs that he really likes and has been dying to record himself and sell to us, or if he has someone directing him: "Your voice would sound great on this song, let's put it on this next album." Either way, my opinion doesn't matter, because enough other people buy into it, just like enough people buy Avril Lavigne's crap and keep her rich and inspired. I'd listen t him before her ANYDAY of the week on principle alone, or maybe genre alone, but when I hear yet another remake, and I hear him singing and not really feeling it, I feel him slip down another few points for me. Thumbs Down. I feel myself being disowned by MFN right now.
Let's all keep in mind that I'm a hateful bitch in general right now. My hormones still have me at gunpoint. They make me say and do all sorts of crazy shit.

RV Show!

I get to go to a RV show! For Free! It's meant to be! It's meant to be! It's meant to be! Next weekend. Cullen's work will be at the RV show, and they are the ONLY non RV store to be invited. Do you know why? Because I want so much to go to a show and to own a RV. :) HAHAHAH! Little does his boss know, but *I* am at cause here. :) :) :) :)

Joshy came home from school being quieter than usual. CJ had shaken off his jacket, boots, everything, and run in to look for a snack, and my Josh was still in the doorway in full suit. I went over, and wrapped my arms around him, and he put his face up to be showered with kisses and we just stood there like that. I finally said "How are you, Joshy?" and he sighed. Then the dimples came out. "Well..." he says, and hands me a folded heart. I open it up and it's a very colored heart. On the back it says "To Josh". I said "Aw! Who's that from?" and the dimples come back out and he puts his head down and says "I don't know, it was in my desk. I asked all the girls but no one will admit to it." tee hee hee hee hee!!!! SOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We will talk some more about being very careful of girls' feelings. ESPECIALLY JOSH needs to look out for this, as he is the one who finds people in general to be irritating. He'd rather play alone so he doesn't have to deal with other people, and he's very logical and doesn't quite see how compassion or empathy plays into anything.
But he's so damned cute.

Jordan had spider dreams--okay---delusions last night. Woke up screaming, throwing his light on, insisting that there was a gigantic spider crawling on him. We inspected everything, and there was no spider anywhere. I had him back in bed, and was almost all the way snuggled into my own bed when he shrieked again, followed by thump-thump-thump, which is him running across the room (he is the single most heavy footed child to have ever lived!). Crying, saying it ran across his stomach. I started to think there was a mouse hiding out somewhere, but I found nothing anywhere. Put him on the couch. That lasted 15 minutes. Finally, I put him downstairs with his brothers, where he felt safe and slept for the rest of the night. So Cullen got up early with me and went and got us good coffees even though it's a snowy hell outside. YAY! :)
Somehow, somehow, I still want to curl up on the couch with Baby J and go back to sleep. I'm down one baby today, and it's snowy and the candles are lit and .....it's a good snoozy day.

From one dreamer to the next....cheers!

Self Possessed VS Self Obsessed

Okay- there is a big difference between the two, and I'm finding one elusive and one irritating.

First, I have to tell you about Julia. She is the most self possessed child I've ever known, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She knows Who She Is. I could probably write you a book about how awesome she is. She is fully aware of how she feels, what she likes, etc. You should see her run. Or even walk- when she puts on her Tink hat, and she walks- she walks with purpose and attitude, without meaning to and it's beautiful to see. I am in awe of my 6 year old.

While I have known exactly who I am even as a very young child, that's where that ended for me. On the outside I have always felt like I am missing something, forgetting something, unaware of something I should be aware of, that everyone else already is. ALWAYS. Always sure the joke was on me, and often it was. People who know me well (vs just "know me") know they can pull a funny on me at any time because I will believe almost anything. I have been self CONSCIOUS my entire life, and uncomfortably so. Being self possessed has never happened for me, the way it has naturally happened for Julia. Sure, I'm headstrong, determined, lack the fear that most people seem to have of ...things and people... but I feel like I live on a different planet, and that I've missed all the major bulletins that have gone out to the rest of human kind.

But I'm noticing more and more self obsessed people around, and that's a huge turn off. This is trickier to explain. Here's what I don't like, even though I'm sure some could argue that I share this same trait: LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I'M BRILLIANT AND SMART AND I KNOW *THE WAY*, LOOK AT ME!

Here is one thing I know about true masters: they would never claim that their" way" is the "right" way, only that theirs is another way. I have found out that I greatly dislike being told anything about my own journey. This is MY journey and no one on the planet can tell me anything about it- that whatever I'm "searching" for is out of reach permanently, that I will never get to "there" (wherever I think my journey is heading) or that I have to think or feel the same as they do in order to be more *enlightened*. Gross. BIG dislike.
I also have recently found out that I dislike it when someone's life is entirely wrapped up in themselves. I suppose to some point that's all of us, right? We need to eat, we get haircuts, we buy makeup, we workout, we buy clothes. I just don't know if I can find the words to properly describe this. I dislike "I am so special, you should watch me, be in awe, and if you're lucky, you'll be inspired enough by my coolness to try to be as cool yourself." That's gross. I've stumbled upon some blogs of people who write well, but come across in this way that is a real turn off. That kinda goes with the first thing- people who think they are so much futher ahead of anyone else---well- yuck.
Also, people who can't get over themselves in order to parent gross me out. The dad that can't change a effing diaper because he gags...is that one unfair? It seems to me that he should get the hell over it and take care of his child. Man the hell UP. It's easy for me to say these things though, isn't it? Because I'm not overly affected by anything and can manage to take care of whatever needs taking care of. I carry my share, and am happy to carry more if and when needed. I don't find myself to be emotionally demanding or needy, so it's easy to look around and recognize things that I am NOT, be it good, bad, pretty or ugly. I don't know- I blog because my head would explode if I didn't get it out. Maybe *I* sound as awful as the blogs I've been reading?! Maybe *I* sound as self obsessed? I very well could.
Anyway, I feel another round of defriending coming up. This might just be "hormones" (again, you truly can't tell how overrun I'm being by them right now) but I feel irritated by the people on my friend list that I don't talk to or check up on. I feel irritated by the people that I do check up on, but only get further irritated when i hear their status updates or whatever. Where is a small dog I can kick? <---just kidding. I love animals.
Can anyone think of a good reason why I shouldn't go find an elephant to pet, feed, wash? Me either.

The Bitch Is Back!

Okay- it's time to knock it off. I can't keep functioning like this. So, what better way to feel better than to shop? HA!
It's time to use the things I know to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get me back, right? It might not show on here but it's been HELL being me. Getting through the days have sucked. Since I am NOT making a decision about my ovaries yet, the least I can do is bust out my trusty healing oils and vitamins and minerals and help myself out, which is what I'm going to do. Plus I just bought some new oil that I love already and a delicious smelling lotion and fantastic merlot lipstick. I look better already. :)

Julia bit the dust yesterday, she bit it hard, on her face. I am so sad. My beautiful baby's face has a good sized road rash owie on it, and it's pussing and sweating (BARF!) the way they do when they are forming the nasty looking scab it will have on it. I'm so sad for her. Her face is so pretty, and now this. BUT again, I rock and I'm armed with things that help owies and scars and healing. As soon as that thing grows it's scab, I'm all over it. She didn't want to go to school today. Her face hurt. :(

What can I get Cullen for being the best husband of all time???? He has been THE BEST EVER. Here's how the conversations have gone around here lately. Me: "You don't have to take the kids out." Him" I WANT to take all the kids out." Isn't that awesome? Not many dads especially WANT to take all 4 of their kids out, and Cullen THRIVES on it. And he has babied me and found ways to let me sleep, and dealt with my out of whack hormones...and made dinner a few times and he comes home with something he knows I'll eat at least a little of... he's the best. What do you get for someone like that? Maybe Twins tickets?

The nicer weather has not deterred me from my RV plans.

Okay- I think that's all I got. Just wanted you all to know I'm done now. I'm done getting my ass handed to me. It's time to use my skillz to get back in the game.

Rain

I love rain. It makes me want to cuddle up and sleep all day long.
But.
That can't happen. :)
Stupid rain. :)
I have cysts inside righty and on top oflefty.
I just paid someone to tell me what I already know.
The ultrasound tech guessed that i had my ut yanked because of endo. She lost.
What? Birth control pills? How funny would that be? I have a hysterectomy, Cullen has a vasectomy and I'd be on birth control pills. HAHAHAH. I hate BCP. I hate trying to find the "right" one that won't make me suicidal. I have kids and I'm sensitive to hormones, if you couldn't tell by the way I'm getting my ass handed to me by SFC (stupid f*cking cysts). I can deal with them or I can have surgery, and believe me, Surgery Whore is over surgery.
Stupid.

Anyway- in 2 weeks we get to go to the north shore for our 14 year anniversary. Rick and Tina are coming too (they always do). YAY! It's supposed to snow a LOAD up there. Boooo. Then at the end of that week is the fun Great Chefs of MN thing at the Sheraton. YAY! I get to see everyone again.

There, was that optimistic enough for you???? Trust me, I'm even more fun in person.

Polygamy

Okay, so last night I dreamt about it. You'll especially like this, MFN. At some point, I realized that Cullen and I had a wife named Heather. I recognize her but I'm not sure from where. She's someone's mom. Round face. In my dream, she's also married to some nasty freak named Dave who wants in on this, but Hell- one husband is enough!!!
I realized that we hadn't really seen Heather...i.e. I hadn't had to deal with the idea of someone else making out with Cullen. One night we were on the phone (I wasn't home, apparently) and asked what he'd done, and he said he'd been out and then he and Heather had made out for awhile. I was really struggling (no, really?) with being jealous or not. I've always said, in real life, that I don't think I'd be jealous because I understand that love is all there really is, and that to love someone else doesn't take away from loving me, anymore than loving one kid takes from another. I was busy trying to figure out if polygamy was legal in MN, so I knew if either we weren't really married to Heather (which is what I was hoping for) or if Cullen and I had to go re-do our vows. SO WEIRD. And no, I was in no way involved with Heather, sorry. Girls gross me out and i'm pretty sure that by now, after 34 years on Earth, if a girl was going to do it for me, it would have happened by now.
SUCH a weird dream.

I was about to call and BEG Cullen to let me cancel my appointment. I was feeling almost normal, but now I'm back to dizzy and trying not to hurl. And it's only almost 10. Just gotta make it til lunch and mom will be here to help. YAY.

Still Whiny, don't feel bad if you skip reading it.

Still a whiny bitch.
I made it through Friday.
Yesterday I still didn't feel good and considered bailing on our date with Dan and Deb even though I knew it would be good to see them. I took a nap, woke up feeling the same, and went anyway. I wish I could describe to you properly what it feels like to have mid level dizziness all the time. I can tell you that reading is a little sucky and driving is very sucky. My back ache seems to be getting worse. Either my bed is really terrible or else it's related to my stupid ovaries.
Anyway- we went to D&D's and went out. I did pretty good til about 7:30pm. I wanted to go home. I didn't. I hung in there til 8:30, and we went back to D&D's house. I did eat a little something while we were out, too. I was nervous about that, but I got some food in. We played cards at their house til 11:30 and I just couldn't keep going anymore. So we came home to an empty house (SHAWN AND ERIC ROCK!!!!), and went to bed. Cullen took our bed and brought it out here and started a fire in the fireplace (vs taking the bed out here and deciding to burn the house down), and we slept. Awesome!
Today I was going to pretend that I feel normal but my back like I said hurts more. Cullen got me a mocha w/3 shots of espresso in it- I played with the idea of running on the treadmill in an effort to be normal, but I didn't. Cullen left to go do his TWENTY MILE RUN (2hrs 57 min) and I did laundry. Shawn called and asked if I could come pick the kids up vs him dropping them off. This scared me. I did it anyway, but not without some tears. Driving like this is bullshit. I almost went to moms and asked dad to drive me but you know me. Gotta prove to me that I can do it, so I did it. I was in tears by time we got home, and I shoved a sandwhich in and crashed on the couch.
The ultrasound is tomorrow. What is more irritating? They find NOTHING and this is "not really happening/all in my head" or they find cysts and ...then what? It's stupid to worry. I have enough pain to be almost certain that something will be found somewhere. UNLESS- unless I am having symptoms of something that i had at this time in the last lifetime. ;) Quantum physics and all that magic.
I suck at going to the doctor- it scares the hell out of me. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, wouldn't you? What are the chances if they see "nothing" that I'll feel like myself again when I walk out of there? Want a list of symtoms? It's pretty pathetic.

loss of appetite
lower back pain
peeing often, round the clock
dizzy
i feel crampy sans uterus
shortness of breath
fatigue
pelvic pressure
sex hurts

If that's not the most pathetic list of cyst symptoms you've ever seen, I don't know what is.
Here's to tomorrow. I just have to make it through the morning with all those kiddos.
Cheers.

Magic!

So, I run--- okay, past tense. I ran. I ran, and I ran, and I ran. For what, a month? 3 weeks? I ran. My general shape may have been changing, but nothing was fitting any differently and it was frustrating. At my January kidney thing, my weight was a full 12 pounds up from a year prior. NO matter what I did, weight not coming off.
Then, I don't know how long ago...3 weeks? A month? 5 weeks? My ovarie/s wake up and grow some cysts or whatever is going on in there. As I've said, I'm not stranger. This has been this way my whole fertile life. Maybe it's being down one kidney, but I have never, ever EVER been so symptomatic. It's ridiculous to the 1 millionth degree, honestly. My back feels it, I get dizzy to the point of throwing up, constipated...for real, look up the symptoms, find a really good list that has 10 of them, and I've got it. I get short of breath when I get dizzy. How stupid is that? It's SO STUPID. Ridiculous STUPID. And it has been for awhile. It was a week ago yesterday that I was too dizzy to function. It's STUPID. I can't eat. Have you been pregnant? You feel hungry, but nothing sounds good. You finally find something that sounds okay, and you have a few bites. Suddenly, it's not good anymore. Not good at all. Not "i'll nibble", no, it's "get this shit out of my face."In fact, you can't make yourself eat another bite. You try, and you are then in the bathroom gagging and trying, trying, trying not to throw up. Awesome! (sarcasm)

I've lost 7 pounds.

Who knew. All that bitching I did about running and not losing weight...here all i needed to do what grow some cysts and react in a different way to them than I ever have before. Rock on! Maybe I wanna hold on to those ovaries afterall.

Boring Pissy but down 7 pounds Nicki, signing off.

PS- If anyone else has been to the dr lately and told they have to take it easy, please do. Our bodies really are worth it.

Dr Appt

Ultrasound Monday afternoon. Yippee.

Hibernation

Yeah, we all know I'm not a bear, or my ass would be coming OUT of hibernation right now!
I think I'm going for a hibernation. From this particular blog, and from facebook. I want to do email too, but I have a couple of first time mommas that like to check in and hear stories about their babies, so maybe I'll allow 1/2 hour for email only? And for how long am I hibernating? I don't know. A few days? A week? Two? You might have laughed at a few days, but I double dog dare you to put your phones down for 3 nights straight- when you get home from work, turn the shit off, and don't get on the puter either. And that's only halfway unplugging, because more than likely the TV will be on, you know? What would happen if we all turned all the shit off, all the "noise" and paid 100% attention to the people at home?
Our Wii is officially put away. Cullen got pissed when he saw the condition of the stuff, plus, it's spring out and kids need to get the hell outside just as much as adults do. I took the babies up to get Julia and I'll probably do it to get CJ and Josh too.
It is honestly amazing how much I can get done with "only" 2 infants+my own. Funny how relative it all is, isn't it? Remember how hard it was to get "anything" done? Maybe it's still a big deal to take the kid/s with you when you go somewhere, I don't know. I'm excited that on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I'll only have the infants and Jordan for the morning and I can't stop thinking up places to take them and things to do. I'm so happy to get out of the house. It's so awesome!
So anyway, you won't hear from me for a few days. It's okay. Everyone needs a Nicki Break now and then. If anyone is up for the "turn it all off" challenge, let me know how you like it!!!!
Til then-
Be good or be good at it!

Yippeee

Today is NOT as dizzy of a day! I'd put it at a level 1. I feel it, but it's wayyyy back there and I feel so much better. I wish it wouldn't rain today so I can bring the babies outside. Hopefully it will stay nice out so I can walk them up there.
Isn't it funny? it's all relative. Today I ONLY have 2 infants here, and Chuckie and Samantha later, and there is nothing I can't accomplish. EASY PEEZIE. I have friends with fewer kids who need to have someone watch their kid so they can "do stuff". It's all relative. Mike was right: he said "you think you get tired with 7 kids, but then for a few days you have 10 and 7 seems easy."

Had a dream last night. Ben Keith was there (any Richfield people remember him?) and work peeps were too, and I was, of course, being "me" and getting reprimanded left and right for not being professional enough. GOD I am SO GLAD I am not there anymore and I don't have to act fake. YAY. Fake people SUCK.

That's all. Going to go play now. Maybe I should load em up and go somewhere.

Thursday

Fine. Appt is for Thursday. Blech.
My fabulous father in law (yeah, you heard me)(good thing it's written down) came over with the blood pressure thing. I run low anyway, and it was even lower than my lows (97/67) so maybe that's why I'm dizzy. Usually peeps with one kidney's blood pressure goes up slightly, so that just might be the cause. Whatever. Dislike all of it.
That's all I got. Gorgeous day, made it through. Yay.

Sucky cry baby Wahhhhh

Me, I mean. I have my ob's number, I have insurance, and I tear up about making the appointment. In the meantime, I'm dizzy and tired and know that I need to just make it. The appt probably won't even be for a couple of weeks anyway. Right, right, perhaps I should be seen sooner? See how much I hate this? Do you remember this from my uterus appointments? I do. Because it all comes back to the same thing: they'll tell me what I already know. Perhaps, say, if one ruptured and I have some internal bleeding, they can help resolve that. But I'm a dramatic Leo, and more than likely there is just nothing going on. Maybe this is my new normal. :( I'm sad. And yes, I'll call and make the appointment. I know I'm being stupid. If any of you were saying all this, I'd threaten to beat your head if you just didn't go in. I know. Thank God my kiddos are here today to help me out. Caiden is sick with the cough that Adalane has, he has yellow snot. Dalton has yellow snot. Julia has the cough. I'm surrounded by Yuck again. Boo. I'm reading The Time Travellers Wife and I love it. It's fantastic. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to call now. HATE. Appt date: May 25th. :) Should we take bets on how long it will take me to call in and take any doctor, at an earlier date? :) Go for it. Talk amongst yourselves and I'll let you know. I'm halfway tempted to see if Colleen will bring me her mom's blood pressure monitor just for "fun". Isn't having a dramatic Leo the funnest thing?

One Day Closer...

Hi friends. Enter button still doesn't work. Do you know what today is? Today we got one step closer to going to the doctor. I have yet to make an appt, but I'm almost tempted to now. Dizzy and tired get old really fast. They will tell me I have cysts. I am just tired of being dizzy and tired, that's all. Nothing like symptoms to get you to finally go. We'll see if I make an appt today. I am trying to find out if we have insurance first. I'm about 5 months over due for my yearly molesting, so at least I can get in and be seen without paying $500. It's just the ultrasound and bloodwork that will kill me<---money wise, I mean. I'm too tired to even get my kids out the door for school, so they are all staying home. If that isn't pathetic, what is? *pouring more coffee in*. I took iron in case it's my iron. I'm hydrated in case it's that, and I had anti histamine in case it's my ear. Kill me.

Round we go.

Dizzy. Again. It's Ralphie May night, too. :( And dinner with a bunch of Hayeses that I love. And I'm dizzy and I'd rather stay at home. :( BOO. And all the neighbor kids are here. It's such a catch 22. My kids deserve to play with kids, even on the weekends, and for the LOVE OF GOD, I deserve to have some peace and quiet and not feed and listen to everyone else's kids 7 days a week. How nice for everyone else to get a break from their own children that they don't see that often. I have to pay someone and LEAVE MY HOUSE to get a break. UGH. Probably doesn't help that I'm not feeling well. Oh well. My enter button isn't working. Stupid effing computer. I learned something new last night- which is always a good thing. I learned that I am not political because I don't FIT in any one category. I cannot be boxed. I'm so liberal in some ways it's a miracle that my mom and my inlaws don't fall over at the sight of me (except that I don't share my views). I did not know that I was a little bit "republican". They were all discussing healthcare last night- and I do think universal healthcare is a good thing. I also realized it's where you are and what you see that forms some of these ideas. My parents own their own business and paying for healthcare has cost them an ENORMOUS amount of RIDICULOUS money, and that's stupid and disgusting. > I also think that when you come from the mindset that we are all one, and in the end, we're all human, helping one another is the clear and obvious thing to do. I mean come ON. Who was the first asshole to walk by someone in obvious need of help and turn his head and say "too bad for you" ? Don't we teach our kids to share with one another? We teach things we don't (in general) practice. I do agree that welfare is in need of reform, immediately. Not only because there are people abusing it, because WE ARE AT FAULT FOR THAT. We have enabled people and taken away their freedom. We've made it so staying on welfare makes more sense than working and supporting themselves. Our fault. Same as making someone dependent on you. OUR fault. Reform it. BUT- here is where the republican side that I didn't know I had came out. People need to work. There is work. Get the fuck over yourselves and get a job. There. I said it. This is coming from someone who did not go to college because I don't, in general, see how it's helpful. Except that we're all stupid enough to have decided that a piece of paper is more important than actual experience. People pigeonhole themselves into one type of "thing" they are "qualified" to do. If a job isn't in their "field", they won't look, won't take it. Some people might have a nice nest egg to live off of (or a family that will help support them, or refi a house to get money or whatever) that affords them that. That's fine. But I completely disagree that some people just "can't" get a job. Furthermore, people seem to have forgotten that there is an option out there: work for yourself. Stop begging other people to take you on, and use the skills you have to make some money. But this is all very easy for me to say: I don't require much, and many, many people require MORE in order to live. They buy expensive food, expensive toys, and therefore they require a certain job in a certain area, even if it's something they don't particularly LIKE. They are willing to go to a job they don't love, see people more often than their family that they don't love, do something they aren't overly passionate about, for the paycheck so they can eat their food, have their toys, etc. That's the path they want, and it's fine. However, having watched my husband, and even myself, hop from one way of making money to another without a blip on the screen makes me think that certain people are being job snobs. There is work. There are jobs. If you are so desperate to support your family, pick one. Be a job snob if you want, but you can't do it while saying "There's no work" because there is. Who knew I was slightly on the other side on that one? Not me. Why doesn't my enter button work. So annoying. What am i going to eat? CJ is on his way to Spencer's house. Spencers mom is Matt, kidney Matt's sister. Such a small world. Okay, off to google fast remedies for dizziness.

Kissing

Yeah, I know I'm chatty today. Get over it.

When is the last time you had a good make out session?
I am horribly ashamed to admit that sometimes I go a day or two without smooching Cullen. I don't mean a peck, I mean a KISS. This happens because when we kiss-kiss, it inevitably leads to him wanting MORE.
The thing about girls (blanket generalization coming up) is this: we have the incredible ability to have a kick ass killer make out session and then roll over and go to sleep without having sex. Or getting out of bed and not having sex, or turning around to finish dinner, and not have sex. For boys, this is more difficult, it would seem.
I miss that- I have to say. I should probably tell him that, but he gets offended easily and it's not meant to offend. I miss being able to make out and not have to go all. the. way. I'm sure my hornier counter parts are wondering what the hell I'm talking about, but come on. WAIT! Here- if you have multiple kids and or/work out of the house and accomplish a ton of shit every day, AND have been with the person you're will for at least 5 years, and have lived with them for at least 2 of those years (that's my unprofessional and likely inaccurate guess as to how long it takes of living with someone before you start realizing that their shit stinks and you're tired of doing all the laundry and the way he or she can go days without vacuuming and the way they leave their socks and clothes wherever the hell they want when the laundry basket is right there and is it too much to ask to make the damned bed when you get your ass out of it?)--- if you live in that space, and you are STILL dominated by thoughts of how soon you can get laid by your other half on a daily basis, I BEG YOU to WRITE TO ME, TO ALL OF US AND TELL US HOW. Men, in general, don't have this issue. It seems to be a female related thing mostly. But I mean it, I'm up for any and all suggestions. I think we have a healthy sex life, but that's the quantity. I don't know what his perception is of the quality (I'm sure he notices a difference between when I'm happy to be doing it and when I would rather not be doing it), but if I was in the mood all the time like he is- well, wouldn't he quit his job and never leave home.

So- back to the point. Making out is spectacular! ESPECIALLY when there's no "have to" following it. Sometimes even taking the "have to" out of the equation will make us want it. And it's always funner to participate in when we don't "have to". You get? A soft, slow, sweet kiss, anywhere, anytime, anyday. Awesome. It's a trillion times better than when you hop into bed, get snuggled and then "start". I like it much more when the "starting" is in the laundry room (with him doing the laundry, preferably), or the kitchen, or the anywhere...and who knows how much time passes, and before you know it....MAGIC! Yes, sir! A kiss is where the magic lays. If I were the husband, do you know what I would do? I would catch my wife when she's between "doing things" and I come up behind her, wrap my arms around her, and whisper in her ear how much I appreciate her. When she inevitably tries to scurry away because she needs to finish what she was doing I would hold on and whisper to her to let me love her for just a minute, I don't want anything but to tell her thank you. Then I would kiss her neck and dance her for a second. When I feel her relax, I turn her around and go for the smooch. The key here is to not start the grind or go for the ass grab.
I think every wife/girlfriend anywhere would respond nicely.
And whose life isn't better after a sweet, lingering kiss?
I know that girls can initiate it also. It's important for girls to initiate it also. But it's harder for a girl to say "I want to kiss you, but I don't want it to cause any expectations of sex." I know I would kiss him a lot more often I could just kiss him and not have it become foreplay instead of a kiss.
But I've always been a boring old coot, haven't I? ;)

PT

My husband, who lives with me and therefore absorbs all the blah blah blah that I blah all the time, has a dream of his own.
He would LOVE to be a personal trainer. This would be a great thing for him- he LIVES and BREATHES fitness. And God Bless Him, my eyes have started to glass over a little bit listening to it.

Okay- so awesome. There are online courses available to get certified to be a personal trainer.

This is where the opportunity/um....part I might not like is. Remember his learning disablity? What this means is that by the time he gets certified, there is a 95% chance that I will also be able to get certified because I will have been so involved in helping him understand what he was trying to read, or reading it to him, etc.

How would you deal with this? I believe that he should be able to make his own dreams come true and I'm here to support that, the way he has supported me also, but I struggle with taking it on 100% the way this is going to require me too.
What is sad is that he knows this, and he will just not go for it because he realizes how much it's going to require from me.
I am not him, so I have no idea how stunting his learning disability actually is. I don't know how much is in his head, or how much is possible if he learns to learn. I don't know if it's possible to get any better- this learning disability stems from going without oxygen for just a little too long as an infant. I have no idea what that means. What I know is that he has a hard time reading, and because it's hard for him to read, he doesn't have a way of understanding what it is that he read.
The online course comes with a hardcopy of the 700+ page handbook.
*I* do not want to become a personal trainer. And *I* am not sure I want to dedicate hours each night to reading and learning and helping- is that the meanest thing you've ever heard??????????
Boo. I feel like hell for that. He deserves his dreams to come true too.
I suck.

SPRING!

Sometimes Bing finds awesome images. Enjoy that for a minute before I throw up Nicki Happy on ya.
...........................................................................................................................................................................

Okay! Here we go! I have been DYING to get out. It has been so hard being trapped inside with so many kids day after day. So today, I did it. I only have 3 extras that I didn't give birth to, and they are 17 months, 22 months and 4, so I loaded everyone up, and we all walked CJ, Josh and Julia to school. WHOOOO HOOOOOO!! Have you ANY IDEA how GOOD that felt? No, you don't, so I'll tell you. It was heavenly. Breathing fresh air, even though I could see my breath and the 4 year old that isn't mine wasn't overly excited to be walking- it smelled so good outside. The sun was peeking out, prodding us on, promising to make everything green again really, really soon. Said 4 year old found a patch of grass and pointed it out excitedly- they are dying for spring as much as any of us. The whole state is on it's knees by now...and it's going to reach at least 40 degrees today! HEAVEN!!!! I plan on walking up with all of them to get Julia, too. I'm insane enough to halfway wonder about not bringing the stroller and trying to hold on to the little guys- I want to wear them out GOOD. I've got LAUNDRY to do during nap time, remember? :D
Anyway- do you know what this means? This means that on the days that are "slower", I can LEAVE MY HOUSE WITH ALL THESE KIDS AND GO PLACES AND DO THINGS!!!!!! I can go to the indoor park. I can go to the library! I can probably even manage a little grocery shopping. I AM FREE! FREE! FREE!!!! you have no idea, none- NONE- how good it feels to know that. Or maybe you do, if you put yourself in my shoes, or perhaps you've been here too. We're FREE!! We can go to nature centers! We can visit places! We can sit outside under the tree and do learning time! I! AM! SO! HAPPY!!!!!

Alrighty then. Carry on. It's snack time almost. :) Hot cocoa and cookies if you're interested. They think they've won the lottery that I'm not shoving something halfway healthy into them. :)

Case-In- Point

To Pooks, who mentioned that she's The Best Ever Girlfriend for cleaning The Boyfriend's apt.

This is the conversation that *I* had this morning, with my husband of almost 14 years, whom I have been with for 16 years and lived with for 15.
Him: "What do you want to do tonight?"
Me: "Um..it's Friday night...OC will probably come over. Wine with the girls? Relax?"
Him: "Yeah, fun. Right after I 'take care' of the laundry room."
Me: "Oh, that. Right. Okay, then during nap time, instead of sitting down and relaxing, I'll go 'take care' of the laundry room so that when you come home you can have a relaxing night instead of having to do all that work."
Him: "I know, I haven't done much of it this week either. You're busy today."
Me: "Well, it just means I won't take my nap time break. I don't want you to have to come home and do THAT AND RUN, AND LIFT before you can relax."

I was halfway being an asshole because really, come ON...but I'm halfway not being an asshole because I haven't paid the laundry any attention this week. I threw in a load, but I haven't spent more than 30 minutes folding and hanging the shit. And yesterday I was down hard, so I didn't do anything. And today I will take care of it, but while I'm doing it I will think about how he could have done some of this too. And tonight will come and because I am AWESOME, I won't care about the laundry thing anymore. Usually he helps out with it. And he takes care of other things that I can't even think of because I never need to think of them. AND he was probably too scared to go about mentioning the laundry to me in any non passive aggressive way because I would have kicked his ass. Anyone who thinks that taking care of kids and keeping this house as clean as I do is in for an ass whoopin of massive proportions.

See my BIG problems? And those folks in Japan think THEY have it hard.

By the way, please tell me you know me well enough to know I was JUST KIDDING about that. I've already cried today, hard sobbing tears, watching the destruction.
Have a great day!

B B B B O O O I I I I N N N G G G

it's a very, very slow bounce, but it's coming.
There are a few things that are helping it.
Cullen took the kids out. That helps.
I haven't had any coffee today. That has NOT helped, but it has caused a caffeine headache, and that has helped. You know...your knee hurt? I'll kick you in your ankle and you won't feel your knee anymore kind of deal. Plus, I am proud that it took a solid 6-7 hours before the sonofabitch hit me. See how good not using creamer has been? Turns out I don't love BLACK coffee all that much and don't drink more than a cup. Cullen did get some french vanilla stuff. Hopefully it isn't TOO good. F*cking headache. Now I can either caffeinate up and be awake til 1am, or I can deal. Yes, I know I could "take something" but I won't. One kidney and all. Less is more, blah blah blah.
Sex And The City- yay, and it was my favorite episode.
There's really nothing quality on TV. As I was perusing the garbage I have to choose from, I came across this gem on LIFETIME- known for it's *gems*: "My Stepson, My Lover". Yeah. TV:OFF.

I got my book today. I'm not even telling you what it's called. Cullen looked at it and LAUGHED...he laughed. He should know that that hurts my feelings. Therefore, there's no way in hell I'm telling YOU what it is, but it's inspiring and it is all about following your heart and being brave enough to do the thing you REALLY want to do vs. doing what you feel like you "have to" because you have a family, or bills or whatever other kind of bullshit we sell to ourselves (and buy!) in order to numb ourselves to our dreams and keep working at the job that is slowing sucking our will to live from us. Ya get?

Quiet house, messy house. I'll do some picking up.
Know what else I love? My family. My brother in law stopped over, and he found me just as you do now. My hair is curly and EVERYWHERE from sleeping on it wet. I have jeans and a sweatshirt on. My couch is full of blankets, remotes and books, anything that will help me not get up offa this thing. He came in and had a conversation with me as if it were any other normal day and I was the fly girl I normally am. ;) Fuck. Maybe he didn't even notice that I'm a mess???? That hadn't occurred to me. damndamndamn! I either gotta sex it up more day to day or I need to spray vomit-scent all over myself and do be half baked when I get unexpected visits when I'm down for the count.

And then, because you haven't read any good poop stories from me in awhile, I'll give you a perfectly good one. Little known disgusting fact about me (how to pick WHICH one to share????): In general, if there's not company over, and in the middle of the night for sure, we go by the old adage "if it's pee, let it be, if it's brown, flush it down." This came about up at the cabin because we go through a ton of water flushing, and the tank isn't all that big. Well, not much different here- tank might be bigger, but we still use a ton of water flushing. 4 kids+2 adults+daycare? Yeah. No daycare today, so not so flushy flush today. (can i borrow that vomit smell from you for next time I'm "sick"?) I haven't pooped in days. Yes, days (check sudden bowels habits change as a cyst symptom off the list also). Today, my long, arduous wait was over. I lost about 3 pounds. Awesome! Flush.
Ruh-Roh.
Too much tp in the toilet. Shoulda flushed first!
Waited for it all to calm down a bit. I had to make an executive decision: plunge with the turd floating in the toilet, or do the flush and pray. I didn't FEEL WELL! I told you! Dizzy SUCKS!!!!! I would have puked doing the plunge, therefore, I did the flush and pray.
The most horrible thing in the entire universe happened, followed directly by the best thing I could have hoped for.
The horrible: I made what was bad, worse. Toilet full of pee and poo water OVERFLOWED. Now I was a dizzy girl muttering every naughty word available to me. I was panicking. What was I going to do if a poo escaped?
The Joyous Climax: Toilet suddenly ate all of the tp, poo and pee without me having to even utter a prayer. GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE.
I laid towels down to soak up the nasty water, said screw it, and went to lay back down.

'Course, no one else is going to go clean that up, so the next time I went to pee, I gathered the towels and put them downstairs and busted out the bleach and disinfectant and prayed for the fumes to overtake me. They didn't. If you'd like, I can cook you dinner on my bathroom floor. That mf is CLEAN.

There is your barfy Nicki story for the day.
The end.

Reasons being a Leo suck.

There's one big one. I'm sure you're SLIGHTLY familiar with it, from reading my head.
The Drama.
If I were a man, I would be the most flamboyantly gay man you could imagine.
This is problematic to me in many, many ways- not that I'm a flamboyantly gay man on the inside but my tendency toward the dramatic. I'm a girl already, as IF I need to be even more dramatic.
Are you JUST POSITIVELY DYING to know what I'm being dramatic about right now? Fine. I'll tell you. But it's all drama. You've been warned, and then I'll just piss you off at the end by telling you that I am totally dragging my feet about doing anything about it.

The other night- last night? Night before? I had some for real owies around Lefty. Lefty is my problematic ovary. I think I stunned her into silence for a good year by getting her home base yanked, and then having a few more surgeries to keep her in a state of "WTF is going on!?" I think she's awake, and I think I'm paying for the silence.
Here's what I know: I've always been cystic, to the point of my parents requesting I stop going in to get them looked at when I was still on their insurance. I got familiar with how I feel when I have a cyst, and (gasp) what it feels like when they rupture. Some people freak out over that. People go to the hospital in extreme pain only to find out they had a cyst that ruptured. For me, I have sharp pain, and then I get ---- ready? DIZZY. Only usually it passes in hours.
So I assumed the other day that my cyst ruptured because of the pain, only I can feel both ovaries clearly today, I'm dizzy as fuck (and it's the most annoying thing ever) and if you look at any of the symptoms of a rupture, I have them. NO- not all of them. I'm minus the fever. I'm just very dizzy, very bloated, weak, for the love of goddess, my poor breasts hurt like when I was pregnant, sex hurts, I'm peeing more- these are all symptoms of cysts. DUH. I have one on each side, I tell you right now. I don't need a dr for that.I don't "just take" daycare off, and can we all agree I have a high pain tolerance to save me trying to convince you of it? It takes a lot to knock me on my ass.
I know, I know- go to the stupid ob and get it over with. But for what? To pay for an ultrasound to tell me what I already know?
And you may recall just a few posts ago, me saying something about being scared to do that. They've talked about yanking Lefty before and I feel a little bit sick to my stomach thinking about that. That scares me! I just don't know...I just don't know...
I just don't know....
I wouldn't drive right now anyway if that tells you how gross it feels to be this dizzy. My mother in law suggested an antihistimine, can't spell it, and I will try that- vertigo is usually an indication of something with the ears, an inner ear infection/fluid/whatever. I will try that and I will keep trying to ignore my ovaries for now.


See? Drama. I just want to feel better. NOW.

The Art Of Non Conformity

Can't spell- I dont' know what's wrong with me today but I'm so dizzy that I bailed on daycare even. I've been sleeping all day, awake only to google some shit for my sister, who got her kidney results back and was freaking out that she's in kidney failure and that I can't donate to her, and if I won't WHO WOULD? She's crazy. And no, she's no where near kidneyfailure. I'm not either. Silly worry warts. So while i'm holding on to my laptop for dear life I have to share this gem from my new favorite blog. Enjoy, and welcome to my life.

March 10, 2011

Not Realistic

Realistic is the adjective of cynics. Wherever you encounter skeptics, naysayers, and charlatans, you will always encounter this word.

I'm not saying it's a bad word, that there's no logic to it, or that it's completely irrelevant. I'm just saying... who cares whether something is realistic or not? You might as well leave this word to the cynics -- let them have it. Let them own it. It won't do you any good anyway.

Realistic is used to do two things simultaneously: one, to criticize. Two, to justify.

First, the criticism. The message is: Who are you to think you could possibly follow a dream? How silly of you. Underneath this criticism lies the cynic's justification of his own self-righteousness. To be around someone intent on following a path regardless of whether it is realistic or not can be deeply unsettling. Therefore, the experienced cynic will seek to deploy the shield of realistic to ensure he or she is not further troubled.

Second, the justification. The message is: My way is superior, no one could live like that, we can't all do what we want all the time, blah blah blah.

But let there be no mistake: language is powerful. The words you use matter, so be deliberate. In one of his many recent TV interviews, someone asked Charlie Sheen if he wasn't being a bit grandiose. His response:

"Of course I'm grandiose. I have a grandiose life and I'm embracing it. It doesn't fit into their model, and their model sucks."

Now, say what you will about Charlie Sheen -- but that's not the point. The point is that you too can live a grandiose life. Hopefully your version of this life involves more than hookers and cocaine, but what he says is true. Their model sucks! You'll never really fit in.

***

Look around you at the world. Look at what troubles you. Look at what is not right. You could look at these things and reflect, as many people do: "It is what it is." This is a popular expression among cynics, along with "Welcome to the Real World."

Or you could reflect: "Hmmm. What could be done to change this?" Summoning the courage to answer this question is what separates you from the cynics.

How about when you succeed -- then what? Alas, in the eyes of cynics, success is a hard sell. They'll say you're the exception, or that you didn't follow the right rules to achieve the success. They'll find a reason why your success is an outlier, and therefore not applicable to their model. But that's OK, because their model sucks.

This is why you must not work for the approval of cynics; you must have a higher motivation that is yours alone. You must work for what is noble and right, and for what is true to your own self.

Because you, not being a cynic or a naysayer or a charlatan, have already tipped the odds in your favor simply by daring to believe in something. You'll get your way in the end, and then people will say... "That's nice, but it's just not realistic."

Then you'll continue to live your unrealistic, grandiose life.

###

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Yeah baby!

Here, Nicki, friends adore you, strangers admire you, and physical laws fear you.

OMG - Is this like "Nicki Hayes World," or what?

You can have it all,
The Universe




That's right. ;)

Weak. Little. Biatch.

Just so you know, I love you all. But I can't stay. Winter has eaten me up alive. Yes, I know that today was nice out. But I don't have a quadruple stroller and that's what I would have needed to take a walk with today. Tomorrow is out too. And I'm done. Really, really done.

It's Cullen's late night, so all the daycare kids are now gone. The one across the street has already been back TWO TIMES and I keep making him go home. Dinner is cooking. Toys are everywhere, but won't be for long. I will make one final attempt to clean the house so tomorrow am won't hurt so much.

Did you hear that??? Turns out I will just keep surviving. I'll wake up tomorrow, and for the first time ever, have every single daycare kid hear. 6 month old, 7 month old, 16 month old, 20 month old, 3 year old, 4 year old, 5 year old, plus my own. HOLD ME. The good news- tomorrow will fly by. Better news? You won't hear from me because if I get 2 seconds to myself I plan on peeing. And if I'm so good that I get nap time coordinated so they are all down at the same time, I'm going horizontal myself.

Spring, I swear to God if you don't get your ass over here IMMEDIATELY, I'm going to scream. And buy an RV, and leave NOW.

Sassy

I'm not even sure how to spit it out.
Are you friends with highschool friends? I don't mean the ones that you never lost contact with, I mean ones that you lost contact with but now you're on facebook and you start friending everyone you went to school with?

I have not. I am only me, and many people had a blast in highschool, but I did not. In fact, the bad memories outweigh the good ones, and I'm not sure my good ones were even that good. They include skipping lots of school and doing things I shouldn't have been doing---but I did laugh a lot because SB was one funny girl.

People keep popping up on my "people you may know" thing. It's interesting, my reaction to them. Most of the time I just get sassy pants feeling over it. I see no point at all in reconnecting with people that I didn't like or wasn't friends with back then. I immediately remember how highschool felt- which is the part that REALLY irritates me. That was DECADES ago. Holy shit- how much further away does it need to get before I stop reacting that way? That is so stupid.
Or is it?

I stumbled upon an interesting blog. Kinda interesting anyway- the writing wasn't the best, but the content was- it was about if a girl and boy can remain just friends after having dated. Even if it was a million years ago that they dated.

My own personal answer would be no, in general, I think. I suppose I can come up with examples of people that I would never be interested in if I were friends with them...but I guess if there is a QUALITY friendship there, my answer is no. I say that because to have a quality friendship to ME means that there is an emotional connection of some sort, and that usually leads you to love that person, in some form or another. If there is no real emotional connection, you're just acquaintances and I don't count that as a friendship. That's what's really interesting about fb- you have the chance to give input or snoop in people's lives who you don't really care about, but you can for a minute. Someone I wasn't friends with in highschool is going through a hellish time, and although they don't cross my mind ever, I had no problem zipping off a message full of support and love. That's weird. Is it bullshit? That's halfway why I don't see the point in friending anyone else. If I wanted them in my life, wouldn't they already be there??? But I meant it in my message, when I put myself in their shoes, it made me ache and hurt on the inside, and my message said as much.

Back to ex's. What would be the point in friending someone you used to sleep with or "date" anyway? Is it an ego stroke??? "He still wants me" or "she still wants me" ? Shouldn't we be living in the NOW and not the "back in highschool..." stuff? Do we all crave attention so badly? At some point, we probably do. Do you disagree? There are certain stressful milestones that everyone kinda goes through, and during those times, don't we wish to escape sometimes? A break from the constant demands of our "real" lives?

I'm so thankful that I'm in one of the calm times of my/our lives. It's been calm for awhile. I'm not so stupid as to think that it will ALWAYS be this way- and I'm thankful that right now, it's all good.

Here is a Nickiism. It almost stressed Cullen out last night, trying to understand. HAHAH. We were watching Dr. G. Medical Examiner, and I mentioned that I would much rather be in the morgue with a body and watching an autopsy than go to an estate sale. He almost got frustrated when he said "WHAT?! How does that even make sense?" and I explained that a morgue only has to do with a body, while in someone's house, you are surrounded by the material things that they liked and it has to do with their soul and their spirit. Their essence is all over their shit. I have no doubt that when we're out of our bodies, we don't care about "stuff", but the essence is all over all of it. It would help my insane head if the sales weren't in their actual houses....but anyway, Cullen says "What?! I don't understand...and I always understand you."
Isn't that sweet? On some level, he actually DOES understand me better than he probably knows or even wants to really understand me. But so often I feel like no one really does...I'll have to remember that he said that next time that feeling sneaks up on me. How yummy is he? I was so wiped out...the little stinkers may have shared their cold with me...and he played with my hair and tickled my back most of the night until I was almost passed out, then put me to bed. He is so sweet to me!
Don't you hate it when you're eating something yummy like pepperoni, cheese and crackers and then you bite into something NOT RIGHT? Freakin BARF. Kill me.
If you got stage 3 ovarian cancer, would you fight it? Or stage 3 liver cancer?

This one is for M.E.

Lookout, I'm about to have a much needed love fest with myself. This is very important, remember, because Cullen ran EIGHTEEN miles yesterday for marathon training, and I've been running and it can do a number on me.

Make out session....BEGIN!

I love my curves. I have a very female body, I do. I have glorious hips and fantastic breasts. I do! I am curvy and delicious. No one will mistake me for a man from behind. I walk like a girl, I laugh like a girl, I run like a girl. I am female all the way. I will never have an issue with putting a dress on and needing the top taken in. I fill it out very well, thank you, even if the girls need a lift to get to where they need to be. If I had smallish breasts, I wouldn't need a lift. It's a good thing to need a lift. Take THAT!

My hips might let the world know that I've grown and birthed children and I'm thankful. If I didn't have hips, I'd look more manly, and I really like looking like a girl. I can put my hands on my hips when I'm feeling like bawling someone out, I can jut a hip out, I can work it when I'm walking. I wouldn't have a waist if I didn't have hips. My curves are good.

My hair! How lovely is long hair? I have longish, wild hair. Sure, having short hair was was, I could mess it up or have it neat, but let's face it----having your children or husband run their fingers through it is heavenly, no two ways about it. Case in point: I just picked Dalton up. His Momma has long, delicious hair also...and it shows. I picked him up and he started running his fingers through my hair, too. We almost took a nap right then and there. It's the best. I know females who look female with short hair--- and look stylish and fashionable, etc...but long hair...awesome.

I'm going to resist the urge to list the hundreds of things that need work. The urge is creeping up on me to do just that, and I just am not going to!!!! The fact that I want to pisses me off.
I got hit on IN THE MINIVAN the other day. Now *that* is something to write home about. I was in the store, and a young guy- seriously, had to be in his twenties- was checking me out. Much bolder than I am (hahahah, okay I guess that depends on the situation and who you are)- he was outright shooting smiles at me when I'd look anywhere in his general direction. I smiled back at him, but not in a "hey you" kinda way but as in a "yes, I see you smiling at me" kind of way. I took the kids and put them in the van and he was behind us, parked a few cars down. He didn't stop being a dork. He was almost turned all the way around, watching us. Maybe he was a child molester? Maybe he was sizing me up to see if he could take me and take off with my circus? Whatever. He honked when he drove past us.

You can see how this might be a big deal to a mid thirties minivan driving daycare provider and mother of 4.
And I'm not saying that he's the ultimate judge of HOT. I mean, come on. I know that on my best days I'm probably a 6 or 7 unless my personality is On. But whatever. He checked me out knowing I'm a mom and I drive a minivan. Stalker, molester or not, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

And of course, because I CAN, I have to remember and give a shout out to how KICK ASS my actual body is. i'm running on one kidney, and I'm running better than I have in a very long time. Who rocks? ME!

This one is for Y.O.U.

Do you know what breaks my heart? Other than the disgusting news that had me crying within 5 minutes of watching it, I mean? It breaks my heart when people I love cannot see their potential, or are too scared to go for it.
So I'm here to cheerlead today. I don't know quite how it is that I can so clearly see how you will not fail if you go for that thing that you really, really want to do. Look it it- for years now you've had this dream, the same dream. It's trying to reach you, but you gotta do your part to get it here. Did you know that you CANNOT FAIL??? I realize that that all depends on your own definition of the word fail- but you can't. The system isn't set up that way. Stop and look around you- YOU ALONE (well, along with the other people involved in your dream, living their dreams) made these things happen. YOU made your house your house, your home. YOU currently are making money doing whatever you are doing right now, and at one point, that was your dream. You think something up, and then you make it happen. You're magic! In fact, this works even better if you're agnostic because too many people who believe in God then live reacting to thing "Well, God wanted it this way" instead of creating. But no, everything is in your own hands if you don't have a Goddess throwing different life situations at you (and I don't believe this is how that goes, either, for the record). YOU. It starts and ends with you and you owe it to yourself and the world around you to make this thing happen. We're all waiting and watching. Show us how to make a dream come true.
If you are a God person-- then consider that little nagging voice inside of your body, the one that spurs you along and gets you all excited when you take a step in the direction of your dream, God. And She's telling you that you are worth every single second you spend on making it come true. I know you've taken steps already toward it, and that feeling of exhiliration? It's meant to keep you going. The more you do, the more of that feeling you are going to have. You've done awesome, and you've GOT THIS INSIDE OF YOU.
But I can see you're still scared, otherwise you would have been dream chasing much faster and harder by now.
So we'll take baby steps. And I'm with you. I would never be such an asshole that I'd sit here directing- BEGGING YOU to bust a move, and not walk the walk with you. Sheesh, who do you think I am? Although I hope it hasn't gone un noticed by you that I'm getting really good at doing it. You don't think that having 3 surgeries in a year had no affect on my family or friends, do you? They are the ones who saw me in some big time pain, heard me crying some In Pain tears, saw me get frustrated that I wasn't healing "faster" (hello, who the hell is back to work in 2 weeks after a major surgery- TWICE? ME!! I ROCK!!!)--- and know that I'd do it again in a minute if I could because it was worth it times a trillion? I have 4 children. I QUIT my job because I was MISERABLE and it occurred to me that it wasn't worth it, that I am worth way more than that, and that I never ever want to look back and wonder what took me so long. That isn't for me, and it isn't for you, either. And do you know what? You already know this.
So- our baby steps. Can you do this with me? For one little week, can you commit to doing one thing each day towards your dream? I don't care how small of a thing it is, but can you do one thing? Every day? Just for this week? Fill out your resume, or make up a mock business proposal that you'd bring to a bank, or look for space for your store, or write for a half hour every night. SOMETHING. Please? Sometimes it might- maybe, maybe not- feel exhausting to do it. I know about this, too. Sometimes it feels like "what for? I have to stay here, doing this, until ___________________" But it has never, ever failed to lift me up, to do something. Anything. Hell, looking at houses gets me all worked up, even if I know I'm not moving. I saw an RV- a pimped out RV with 4 bump outs no less! In the Walmart parking lot. If I'd seen anyone in it, I swear to you I would have gone over and talked to them about their RV.
My current dream, I'm sure you remember, is that I am going to get paid to write. I'm going to get paid enough to make it okay to take off in said RV that I will purchase, for a month or so at a time. The ultimate goal is to take off for one full year. This is no little dream, is it? This dream is going to take some money and some planning, and me writing and selling a story. I've got lots of them in me. So don't think I'm just talking outta my butt. I've got FOUR children who will be affected. However, we include them in our plans and take their input in- agree or disagree, that's how we roll. They clearly aren't old enough (CJ might be?) to understand the full impact of some of these decisions, but they're concerns are heard and that counts. Plus, Momma still knows best, and this world will be a better teacher for them than anyone else could be. I know I already told you this too, but my dream will come at my own comfort's expense. I will be the one who has the hardest time when it actually happens. I may learn more than anyone else does, about me, and the world around me.
I can't wait.
So- are you in? Do I need to cheerlead you more? What I see burning inside of you is so bright, and so beautiful, and I'm not saying that everything would go perfectly on the first attempt, but you don't look at all the people you dated before you got married and think of them as "failures", do you? You did get something from them, and you added something to them also. Please don't be afraid. This is your story, and it's so worth telling. Make it happen. Let's do this! You are going to find people surrounding you who know things about your dream, who can give you information, who will help guide you and direct you to others who know even more. You will find people who cheerlead you in real life, who are waiting to hear what you say, sing, think. Put your heart into action- it's BEAUTIFUL.
The End.