Poop Stories

Sorry to N who already heard this, but who hasn't had this happen?

Here's the situation: Let's say you haven't pooped in a few days. This is not normal, of course, and you know you're growing a monster in there. But fiber bars don't work, V8 doesn't work, so eventually you figure when the time is right, the magic will happen.
You feel That Urge.
In you go, to the potty. If you're me, it took you about 2 pushed to figure out that this one was going to be the one to kill you, so you yell for back up. In this case it was Cullen (the kids really hate helping me poop. I'm JUST KIDDING. They love it! No, no, of course I don't make them help me. Good Lord!). What happens is this- you push HARD. It's working, but it's ripping you apart. You can almost feel cheek a fully seperate all the way up the "seam" from cheek b, and you think ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSON! so you stop pushing.
Unfortunately, the poo is so hard/firm/solid and it's just far enough out now so there's no going back, and no amount of butt clenching can get it to drop. You're screwed. The longer you sit this way, the more certain it is that you'll only be connected by some hip tissue when this is over. You dab the sweat off your brow, curse a time or two and swear that NOTHING in the world is worth THIS pain, decide God can't possibly exist, or maybe if she'll help get this thing out of you it will serve as proof that she does...and push some more. If you've given birth, you've heard the annoying ass chant "Push through the pain"...yeah. and then finally, just like giving birth, you feel your intestines shrinking where the poo was, and is now moving out and you know the nightmare is almost over. Take one more deep breath and you push it the rest of the way out.

Success!

See? You read through all of that because it has been you at one time in the past.

:D