I wonder, wonder, wonder. Do I have the power, the ability, to not let it leak out of me today? How good AM I, anyway? I am clearly attracting the things that are being thrown at me today, otherwise they wouldn't be happening. But i have the strongest urge to run far away, where I can not have to listen to or participate in these things. I need a break. I'm at the edge here. I keep ending a conversation that keeps starting again (holy Jesus- is this what I'm doing to any of you??????). And the hardest thing is that we are saying the same thing......I want it to STOP. How many times can I not respond? (HOLY JESUS!!!!! This IS what i'm doing to some of you!!!!)
And I want to stop having to say HOW HIGH when they say JUMP (different people). It's one of those days where there is no where to run and hide, and I want off of this ride for a little while. Is this the day to hold my spider? When I'm on my knees, and I can't be on my knees because I have too much responsibility, REAL responsibility, right here and now, to children? Is this how I need to feel in order to hold her? My salvation is clearly in the children, because no one else is going to save me, cept me. And them, if I let them.
THIS is why people drink, smoke, use other methods. Because there's no OUTLET! NONE. And there isn't going to be a chance to even run or cry until at least 9pm tonight.
I want a ticket back to the planet I came from.
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