Being Human

One of the hardest things about being in a human body is that we are so confined, in so many ways. Being stuck in a body and having no previous memory of where we were or where we've been or what we've already done works to accomplish our (this) life (if you're me and this is what you believe), but it means that we deal with very human emotions. Love is all there is, but we wouldn't know that if we didn't also have fear. And fear breeds jealousy, anger, resentment...if we're lucky and we've done a lot of work, we can kinda hoover above those things some times, and stay in the area that is love, particularly in relationship with another, anyone else.

This might just be me, but for me it has, in the past, been easier to love others unconditionally than say...Cullen. That's how it was for a long time, and might still be to some extent. That's simply because I don't have to deal with other peoples "real" shit day after day. I can deal with them from "here", from where I am. I can love anyone through anything from HERE. Would it be different if I actually lived with it and their actions that are so easy to forgive from here actually affected me because I lived with them? Of course. Am I right? I can deal with her smoking, his drinking, her poor choices of going out and getting smashed, or staying with him, or him staying in his job, on and on and on...easy! I don't think this is just me. When I realized how well I love the rest of the world through all their very human shit (that we all have, I am not immune), I decided to look at Cullen through those same eyes. Because when it comes right down to it, although his shit affects me just as mine affects him, it doesn't HAVE TO affect my attitude or my day. It's MUCH HARDER, no doubt, to overcome some irritation with him and carry on to have a great day, but it's possible. That is a gift I can give to myself. I can also remember that nothing I see around me is really real, and I can see through the illusion. There are things I can use to overcome my little irritations- like the fact that I know he loves me, bottom line. He hates it when I'm mad at him and would never purposely "go there". That has saved me (and him, because he reallly lets me affect him) a lot in the past ...I don't know how long. I try- TRY- to go straight to the heart of it- he wouldn't purposely upset me. There are things that I don't do well with this though, like his drinking. He mostly keeps it in check, but his attitude is kinda that one day out of the weekend is "his" to do with as he wishes, which 99% of the time means he "can" drink as much as he wants to, and I shouldn't get mad as long as he doesn't say anything overly hurtful to me. I think this is stupid just because we're all grown up now and there must be other ways of coping with life. But other than that, I really have learned to let a lot of things go.

And I still have miles to go. Amazing! :p
6th day without out coffee. Red Lobster for breakfast. Julia just came and announced "nothing's going the way I want it to out there" so I'm going to put on some tea and have some conversation with my brilliant 6 year old. Maybe by tonight I'll be forgiven?