To Dream A Little Dream

It's time to think about everything I'm going to accomplish in the next year, but first I have to tell you a sad, heartbreaking little story.

We have mice.
That's not the sad part. That doesn't make me sad. I think they are precious and adorable and I'd keep em in a cage if I could.
That's the problem. I can't catch them.
So they visit my drawers in the kitchen. This is the REAL problem. Mice poo on my bibs...I am tired of washing mice toilets when they haven't been used by the children they were intended for. I tried everything to get them to stop. I shouted out to them: You can be here but you can't poop here, if you do HE will kill you!
But they don't understand human speech. :(
I tried putting some disinfectant in the drawers. Surely their smart like mousey noses can tell when something is not good for them, and Lysol smells un-good. It worked until the lysol dissapated. Mouse poop returned.
I bought a mouse trap- not a mean one. If you can't tell, I love the little guys. I could never buy a mean mouse trap. Can you imagine when I caught one? Cullen at work all day...there would be no good way. Not the kind that they perma stick to (OMG...the squeaking would kill me!!!) and not the kind that kill them dead and leave them for you to throw away. I want to throw up just thinking about it.
No, a mouse trap that shuts them in, live, so I can release them into the freezing cold so they can freeze to death, a slow, lonely, desperate death. No better. Truly, no better. In fact, I'm such a dork that I would TOTALLY release them next to someone else's warm house. HAHAH! To give them a "chance" at survival, or at least dying by someone else's hand.
But no. I tried. Clearly the trap was not set up right, because they were eating the bird seed HAPPILY at will, coming hungry and leaving full and happy. :(
Cullen came home with decon yesterday.
This morning it's half gone. :( :( :( And I'm so sorry for all the little dead mice, going off somewhere between the walls (I hope) to die, and rot, hopefully without the rotting death smell. :( I am indeed a big enough loser so that I got tears when I saw how much of it was gone, just like how I'm crying now thinking about it. It makes me really, really sad. I know it's stupid. they are MICE. I am not supposed to care about them. I am supposed to be grossed out by them and hate them and scream when I see them. I don't.
BOOOO.

Oh!

Screaming babies who can't poop get very hard to listen to after awhile. You wouldn't think breast milk is so hard to digest, would you? Adalane just can't work it out. I can't do anything to help her. She's making it worse by crying, but I can't make her stop.

BOOOOOOOOO.

One of these days her system will figure it out. God help all of us when she gets on solids.

Just thought I'd share. If you could hear the noise going on...well...you'd leave. :)
But she's cute!

I gave up because I've been at it for 2 hours and you can't imagine how long those two hours have been. So Julia is now trying. She has Adalane laid down on her with her blanket, trying to get her settled down. 8 kids here today and I am almost ready to say that I'll have a drink when i'm out with Cullen. :D

It's spring outside!

Omigosh it is SO nice outside! Of course, only in these northern states would we call a forecast of 37 degrees SPRING, but it feels like it. The sun is out and it feels so nice and fresh outside! I love it! I want to walk down the block. Maybe I'll do that at naptime if all 3 are zonked. Probably not, because that feels wrong somehow but I WANT to!

Wanna know what the weird thing about losing weight is? It isn't even weird, it's just true...it's all in your head. You LOOK better the instant you FEEL better. That's why the show "How To Look Good Naked" was so brilliant. People didn't lose weight. They found out that they were beautiful RIGHT THEN, no matter what their body shape. So I've been "at it" for 4 days. Lest you believed me when I said I was going Biggest Loser on my ass, let me tell you what I HAVE NOT done. I have NOT run every day. Nope. Did not. Didn't run the past two days. I have been eating better, and being more active throughout the day, running stairs and using babies as props. The 28 lb one works really well!!!! My abs are sore from using non existent muscles.
So- I have done virtually nothing, but I look and feel better already. I actually look skinnier. It's just ME. It's probably always just me. We're all on crack.

ONE WEEK. In one week from now, I get to bring my kids to the airport, which is one of my all time favorite places to be! I get to bring them on an airplane and watch their sweet faces as the plane goes faster and faster and faster and then whooooshhhh! Into the air we go. i can hear them exclaiming already. I can see the people who hear my excited babies grinning ear to ear at how cute they are.
I get to show them the Philly airport for a minute. They can say they've been there. Then, the old pros get to get on another plane and when they get off, they get to see how cool it is to leave the plane and feel warmth. The forecast is looking good for us in Tampa! Lows in the 50's and highs in the 70's. PERFECT. DREAMY. White sandy beaches, impossibly aqua ocean--my nephew's mom is there right now, and hit me up to say that it's been chilly for them but it hasn't stopped the kids from playing in the ocean, which means that WE will have it MADE. 5 pools, mini golf, ginormous slide on the beach, kids clubs...I CAN'T WAIT! I CAN'T WAIT! I CAN'T WAIT! They deserve this so much. And i LOVE flying, and so does Cullen. It's like a whole other world up there. It doesn't matter if it's cloudy out when you leave, you'll be in the sun soon. and when there are no clouds, to see how symmetrical and beautiful our world actually is when you get a little ways off the ground...WOW. I love seeing all the people buzzing here and there and remembering how SMALL we are, and how we make such a big deal out of things that AREN'T a big deal and we get so focused on ourselves, like we are THE most important thing out there. OH how I love to fly!!!! It's like scuba diving, but opposite. it's so good to get out of your life for awhile.
Today I have Payten all day long. Tonight Chelle is going to hang with the kids and we're going to go out to eat and shopping for some cute spring clothes for Florida. Because we can. WHOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!! I can't wait! Can you tell????
Have I told you how much I love the people in the kidney chain lately? It's been so awesome getting to know all of them. This is so cool. In April the National Kidney Foundation has a thing here in Minneapolis, and they contacted the coordinator in Fargo to see if they can share the story during the event. Which means that I might get to see Shannon and his sister and maybe the whole chain again! YIPPPEEEE!!!!
BTW, Ethan is upright more than not now. SO much fun to see these developments. Thank GOD I don't have to go into work anymore! I'm so proud of me for having the guts to trust that it was going to work out. Go, daring Nicki!
I need to make a list for 2011. I don't know what to dream up next. Okay, I do. I'll share it later.
Happy almost new year!

Willow rocks!

I think that my precious spider and I communicated today. I got 10 steps closer to actually holding her even!
First of all, I look over and she's on the glass near the roof of her cage. Usually she's sleeping at this time of day, so I took the top off and she crawled back down. I figured she's had enough of her bedding, which doesn't get dirty, but it does get dry. It only needs to be changed once every 3-4 months (I tell you- BEST pet EVER!). So I went ahead and scooped out the old and put in some new. Usually she dislikes this to...I figured out I have to pat it down and she won't freak. Did you know they smell with their feet? Anyway, the loose bedding would get stuck on her paws (hehe) and it's damper (they need moisture) and she usually hangs out on her log til it dries some. Not this time. I patted it down and she went around checking out her pad.

Right after lunch, Josh exclaims "MOM! Willow's in her dish, drinking water!" WHAT? Can you even imagine? I should have taken a picture but of course I didn't. I just stood there dumbfounded and a little panicked that she had drowned. So- brave me! I tipped her dish up slightly to "help" her get out to see if that's what she needed. She did pull up and back out. I put the dish back down, she waited for me to leave and SHE CLIMBED BACK IN. WHAT?! When she was done, she got out just fine without my helpful help.

That does it. She's the coolest thing EVER.

Annnddd...I made it.

Of course I made it, but today wasn't fun. It's done now. I've eaten, my kids have eaten and I'm about to go get my butt on the treadmill and work off the truffles and monkey bread I ate to get through the day. :)

Tomorrow- a new day.

We'll try this thing again!

Please enjoy some peace and quiet for me tonight. I'm storing it up for tomorrow justincase.

Oh, save me, blog.

I'm done. Over it. I'm so done with today that i have no words. There are a few things that I require to survive the day with my four children running in and out, 2 infants and a 1 year old. And one of them is some sort of a break.
Today, as you can tell, I'm stealing my breaks. I just stop trying to get one of the babies to stop crying and I blog for a second.
Caiden is teething and he hates life. He's inconsolable and loud. Adalane drank some boob juice that had something bad in it and she seriously---screams. Another inconsolable child. Julia has an ear infection and has been crying off and on and I try to put drops in her ears and ibuprofrin and an hour later she's in tears again.
I'm DONE. I want ALL OF them TO go away. ALL OF THEM. I want peace and quiet and and for no one to be crying.
Hate today!

First Serious Parental Freak Out Ever

I was feeding Adalane. I hear a sledding "noise" outside behind me, where the big ole pile of snow is...and I turned around to see what it was. Josh is out there by himself. I didn't see him so I continued feeding Adalane. I have two VERY VERY fussy babies today. VERY. One is teething and the other is the gassiest baby ever. I feel so bad for both of them because I can't do anything to make their pain go away, and I feel bad for me because I have had to do everything today with at LEAST one child screaming their head off. I get one calmed down and the next one starts. My kids all left the house because they are all tired of the screaming. :(
Anyway, so Adalane starts just playing with her bottle, and I'm still thinking about that noise. I stand up and start looking around to see if I can see Josh anywhere. I can't. Then over *there* I see his boot...and follow it up and there is, laying with his leg cocked this way, his head cocked the other way in an unnatural position. I watch to see if he's going to move and he isn't moving.
I put Adalane down so fast, and I flew out the back door and out into the snow in my socks, screaming "JOSH! JOSH!!!! JOSH!!!!!!" like a terrifed Mom, tears already streaming down my face, thinking that this day of crazy babies would be the day my baby gets seriously hurt.

He looked up, popped up, and said "What? I'm just waiting for Julia, bored. She said she'd be out in a few minutes." I was just crying then, because I was still so scared of what looked like an unconscious Josh.
And only just now has my heart rate returned to normal, and my focus and irritation to the baby who must be getting something in the boobjuice that makes her the gassiest, screamiest baby you've ever heard. The poor thing!

How To Stop Being Mad

I'm sure this doesn't work for everyone, and I'm even more sure that there are better ways out there, but I have to say...I'm learning!
I woke Cullen up before going to Suzanne's. I snapped "Do you remember last night?" this is mean of me because I know it scares him and makes him unsure. "I think so" is all he can say. Then I said "Then you know you were a stupid, drunk asshole and won't be surprised that I totally dislike you today."
and i left.
That's nice, right? :P
When I came back, he came over to touch me and said "I'm so sorry." and I snapped (see a pattern?) "Again. You're sorry, again." and I let loose, going over every transgression that came from him, starting with talking over everyone and not letting anyone finish a sentence to saying rude, ugly things to me when I would try to stop him from bulldozing anyone who had anything to say. I told him i'm NOT going over to Rick and Tina's for New Years Eve night because he can't figure out how to control himself when he's around them. (so he's not drinking New Years Eve- YAY! That will get me to R+T's for a little while). I spat out how sick and tired I am of morning afters full of I'm sorry's and how he's grown up and how disgusting it is to me that he has no control over how much he drinks and how THAT was the VERY LAST TIME that I will sit there and take it. I WILL leave my own house to get away from him when he gets like that. And to make a point (and because he brings up that it's not even a weekly occurance, or monthly) I thanked him profusely for not making me deal with it every day, or every week because it's a deal breaker for me.
Then I took down Christmas (left up Winter), and cleaned everything up really good. Mom called to invite us over for dinner and all day long he would come in (he has a massive hill outside for the kids he was adding to, and he cleaned off our roof) to touch me. I know he loves me to pieces, but man. Alcohol.

Joshy used his new "sled"...it's really a death ride contraption ---this thing is more slippery than ice!...and went off of a jump and did a complete sommersault! He landed on his back and was fine (we'll see when he wakes up)...but that was at 8pm last night. Cullen took all 4 sledding and wore em all out good! Then he brought them to McDonalds for hot cocoa. Isn't he cute? They had the best night.

Vacation= 8 days! WHOOO HOOO!! I ran 3 miles and worked out yesterday. My goal today is 3-4 miles. And doing stairs.

YAY! NAY!

Before I get to complaining, I'll tell you all the good things about yesterday. It was the best . I LOVE the age of the kids. They are precious and excited and thankful and expressive and it was fantastic fun. I had happy tears 3 times, watching them open gifts and listen to the exclamations. Beautiful!
I got a nook, which I love so far. I'm not a gadget person, and I hope he isn't disappointed if I'm not attached to it. I just laughed at me because he thinks it's disgusting how people have to stay so connected to Other People instead of focusing on their families, so it was silly of me to worry that I'll put it down and he'd feel bad. It's a sweet deal- I can borrow books to and from friends with a nook, as well as check out books at the library and they will download right to my nook. I've already bought a book, and I LOVE that it can go anywhere with me.. Pretty fun. I'll have good reading on the airplane!
Then we went to Cullen's mom's- who, first of all MADE IT. She somehow made it through the crazy night that Christmas Eve was--GOD there were a lot of people in her house, it was a million degrees and she'd felt poorly all day. She looked bad when we got there and just sweat and sweat, and finally went and laid down in the middle of the party for a little while. I don't know how she got back up, but she did! So it was a relief that she felt better for Christmas day. I missed our normal Christmas there but it's okay- we were staggered all day, so not many people were there at any one point. We got their first, which I loved. We ate caramel rolls and hung out. Then Shawn and the kids showed up and we left. We gave her the book before we went. She was SO cute. She called me every couple of hours as she would read a few more, to tell me again how much she was loving the book. I almost stopped having a complex about it. (more on that later. Now my complex is even worse than it was)
Then my mom's which was great. Great food, and it's like being at home, so what's not to like. I snoozed and we came home.
Then.
Then Cullen invited Rick and Tina over.
Do you remember the problem there? The problem that Cullen has when Rick is around? The problem that he can't stop himself from drinking until he is drunk, and how disgusting he is when he's drunk? He's loud, obnoxious, interrupts, told me to fuck off and shut up over and over when I would try to quiet him down...it's ugly and gross and I dislike him today. He's still sleeping, of course. I went to bed at 1:30 and he stayed up, and I wished he just would have slept out here. The Book came up while they were here, and Tina is my polar opposite on just about everything. I love her DEARLY, it's just that she's very conservative and mouthy about issues, where I don't like talking about politics, she's extremely private, and I am (no pun intended) an open book. She's in disbelief that we read the letters people wrote (many people asked me to to see if it was what I was looking for, and I also decorated each page. Yeah, I read them. All of them.). She feels like those are private things not to be shared and she was slightly horrifed that the book was just laying out there on the table for everyone to read and see. I tried explaining that it was for everyone, now and later after she passes and that if Jane feels it's private, she'll put it away, and I don't know why I even bothered. She's STRONG about her feelings, so talking about anything she disagrees with is pointless, and she loves LOVES to argue.
At some point Rick stopped drinking so she could get drunk (these people are GROWN UPS!!!)...Cullen couldn't stop rehashing Travis's bachelor party, where they were loaded and the stupid things they did. I guess I am still grossed out by adults who still act like they are in their 20's. Guess what? We're going over there for New Years Eve. Fantastic. It's sad that we don't hang out with them so much, but now I remember why. My husband has no control over himself. It's disgusting. I'm just thankful it's been months since the last Rick Encounter That Went South. Gross.
So...I'm going Biggest Loser on myself. I have 9 days (just to get to Florida, plenty of time after that) to knock off the madness of what has become my eating habits. :) Ready, set, GO! You watch me shake off these 5 lbs in a few days.

Anddd...

for the record, sometimes it's positively exhausting being the "weird" one. If i hear about how strange I am one more time, I'm going to scream. And Cullen wonders why I don't tell anyone the things I do when no one is looking. The things that I do that I think are nice, other people think are just bizarre and don't understand why in the world I do the things i do.

Last night, after a nice full round of "OMG, you are the weirdest person ever!" Cullen and Danny went to go get my sister some medicine. Danny felt the need to tell me as we were playing cards that he just couldn't stop when they were out...he had to tell Cullen again that I'm the most bizarre person he's ever known.

I know he loves me. They come over and they laugh and play, they hug and kiss me, they love my children. I KNOW they love me.

But it still made me cry when i was by myself.

Perfection

I had one of those moments. The kind that actually make you cry with their perfection. It was awesome. I'll take you there.

I went outside to the van to get my dad's gift to wrap. I ran out in yoga pants, tennies and a sweatshirt. It's not cold out. It's WARM compared to 15 below. Anyway, I turned around and...magic.

The sun was shining through the snow that is falling. I was stopped, frozen. There was no noise, just snow falling softly on an already blanketed world. I heard one bird sing. There was no one out, no one moving, just this precious, beautiful landscape of houses covered in snow, trees covered in snow, and the sun illuminating everything in a soft glow. I stood there for eternity-in-a-minute trying to hold it, with tears on my cheeks.

This world rocks!

YES!

Jane's book is kicking butt! I am so excited to give it to her when we're leaving tomorrow night! And even more excited that not only is she still here, she doesn't seem as on the brink as she did a week ago. Rally or whatever it is, this is the BEST!
But what is really, really sad is seeing Cullen's face. Every time I read a new love note to him, tears pour down his face. And if you could see the way he looks at me...it reminds me of when we were in Mexico and we miscarried our 14 weeker. The heartbreak, his soul reaching out to hold and be held...he just looks at me and I can almost physically feel it. We are so blessed that when heartbreaking things happen we magnetize instead of shut down and push away.

I'm starving.

All 3 babies are sleeping. I should be snoozing or doing laundry or calling my mom to see if she'll come bring me some packing tape since mine has disappeared and GO FIGURE, my gifts need to get sent to Arkansas YESTERDAY. UGH!
Tonight Danny and Deb are coming over to play and do our mini Christmas. I love them! Cullen has a cold and doesn't feel good, but he'll make it through, because he's gotta! He's going to go get all the stocking stuffers for everyone- flip flops, sunglasses, sunscreen, coloring books and crayons and other things to do on the plane. Won't that be fun? I can't wait to watch my sweet babies open their gifts! I just love giving to people. It's the best ever!

Speaking of The Best Ever...I have it made. I was feeding Adalane and watching her tiny little cheeks as she sucked down some boob juice, and her little screw on hand was laying on mine, and her little eyes were intently focused on me, and I thought "BEST. EVER!" How can you beat that? Watching Ethan take his first steps...I am so blessed! I get to watch all these milestones again, and see the miracle of children learning...*dreamy sigh*

Okay, I'm sure there's some zillion calorie bullshit sitting around here waiting for me to eat it. :) YUM!
Cheers!

More proof that we're all connected.

First off, no name calling! I got enough of it last night about how weird and not normal I am, to last me well into February.

The people who used to live here left no forwarding addresses- well, many of them didn't anyway because we continue to get important mail for them (like traffic violations etc). We've been here over a year now.
In the mail the other day came a Christmas card, for Michelle (who used to live here). I felt too bad just throwing it away and I don't have a whole pile to return to the p.o. (so they can just throw it away) right now. I decided that I would open it and send whoever it was a note that Michelle doesn't live here anymore. The return address is in New Hope.
I opened it and there are 3 adorable little girls on the front, all very young. Indeed they are! They are 3, 23 months and 5 months. That sounded so familiar to me. So I sat down and typed out a little note saying telling them that Michelle no longer lives here, and that I felt too bad throwing away their card, so I opened it. I told them how adorable their babies are, and that when my youngest was born, my oldest was still 4 and that seeing their sweeties reminded me of that time (This is part 1 where Cullen laughs at me...because it never occurred to me to just send their card back to them. Didn't even enter my mind!). That went out in the mail a couple of days ago.
Last night we did our bi-weekly dinner with Kimmy, Travis, Brian and Em. Em picks THAT card out of all the other ones hanging on the wall to ask about. I was embarrassed because I have to tell her the whole story in order for it to make any sense (??) at all (part 2 that Cullen laughs at me about, I hung their card up. He says I'm a stalker and that they would get a restraining order if they knew it's hanging up. I can't THROW AWAY their BABIES!!!!). So I give it to her. She giggled at me and got up to get a closer look at the cuties.

And whirls around and exclaims "OH MY GOD! I WORK WITH HIM! I ACTUALLY JUST TALKED TO HIM ON THE PHONE TODAY!"

They live in NEW HOPE. It isn't like they live in Bloomington with us. What are the chances of THAT?!?

Love

Know what else I love? NO matter how frustrated or tired I might be in any given moment, getting an email from Shannon makes it all better. I love it. I love getting to know him.
Gotta pee.
The end.

Another glimpse...

Have you ever had it happen when heaven gives you a little glimpse of the Full Picture? Sometimes things hit me and I can SEE, just a little bit, but much more than I had seen before.
That happened to me before meeting Shannon and the rest of the chain. When I cried it wasn't because i was NERVOUS necessarily, it was because I knew that it was a BIG THING I was showing up for. I was going to be present and receive a bigger present than anyone knew, or even I knew.

So I was just putting together more love notes for Jane (MFN- you ROCK! THANK YOU!!!!)...one of her own children finally found the courage and the way to try to express their love and gratitude...can you imagine how hard that must be???? Brian did it! I am so, so , so proud of him. I know if he tried to articulate it all it would be bigger than the bible, but his love and gratitude SHINE through.

Anyway, as I was decorating MFN and Brian's pages, heaven gave me a little peek. Of course I have cried reading these, and writing mine. But mostly I can keep it at bay....mostly I can stay *back here* from it, from what I'm doing. From what we are all doing. The time must have been right because I got to see, for one second, what this is going to do for her. I got to see how REALLY TRULY BIG it is, and instantly the love tears came. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to handle her thank you for it. If you could see how beautiful this book is, and how much love is in it....that idea that "came" to me from "nowhere" is allowing people to say I Love You, Thank You and Goodbye to her before she goes!!! OMFG. And on the same par is the fact that she gets to HEAR IT, FEEL IT, KNOW IT before she goes!!! O! M! F! G! I've said it in notes over and over and over to people "I hate how we wait til people pass and then sit around telling eachother how great they were" but I got to see how BIG this will be for her soul.....

I love every single person who has contributed, and poured out their hearts! People are beautiful, aren't they just beautiful? If you could read this book....people are beautiful.

So....should I give it to her on Christmas Eve, when we are all dispersing? Or on Christmas for her to read after the house quiets down again? We won't be there late on Christmas Eve, as she tires very very easily. I think we are experiencing The Rally ....another STELLAR day for her yesterday....and it would be just like her to rally Christmas week, make it through Christmas and then go before the New Year starts.

Oh, the missing...

Chatty Nicki

YAY! Ethan is sleeping in the crib without a bottle! WHOO HOOO!!! Kids are so moldable. I'm so proud of him!

Tonight Cullen works overnight. And tomorrow night, and Wed night. Tonight I think Kimmy and Travis will be here for a while because traffic is going to blow- or maybe they will want to blow outta here right away to try to not get as stuck in it? Dunno. And then MFN will be here after the kids go to bed. Then I can wrap more gifts til I need to pass out.

Cullen is so good. Man, I got a good one. All on his own, he says to the kids "why don't you make Bev some pictures and we'll go bring them to her?" Bev does daycare and watched my babies for a few months while I had to go into the office. That's going to completely surprise her and make her day. The last time we did that, she sent Julia a thank you card. I love my sweet husband! What a great guy to give to someone out of no where. LOVE IT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!

I should be getting into some "real" clothes now, or at least putting my hair up. I'll do it in a sec. I swear. :D

It's Christmas week! Janie is having a good day- she says the last couple days have been better than normal. It makes me worry that it's the rally that hospice talks about- where they suddenly feel SUPER GOOD and everyone thinks "Oh, good, turning a corner, passing isn't near after all!" and then whoosh...but the timing of a rally would be perfect. Rally for Christmas, and then GO. Wouldn't that be nice for her? I'm just so relieved that she is getting a break from the struggle to breathe and do anything. Cullen was debating about going over and taking her out. She mentioned on the phone that she's dying to get out of the house, but she has a guard dog (mike). Then she giggled like I haven't heard her do in a long time. It was adorable. We'll see.

Okay, off to make myself look presentable while the house is quiet. 3 sleeping babies, Hubby and kids out and about.....tater tot hotdish for dinner...YAY!

When I feel the best...

I absolutely feel my life purpose and feel my best when I'm doing something loving.
Jane's book is coming along beautifully. JK- thank you AGAIN for contributing. I swear that when I saw your note to her, it opened my mind to the idea that people *were* going to contribute and they started flooding in. Yours touches me because you only met her one time- THANK YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN!
Anyway...I'm sure it's the same for everyone, too. Unless you feel you're being taken advantage of, that is...then it isn't so fun to give, but otherwise, the gift is in the giving! It's the secret of all of life, I believe it! Because there is only One of us, so if we do unto others as we'd have done to us, the magic happens- we're actually doing it for "ourselves". We receive the gift in more ways than one. It's magic and I love it.
Her book is turning out beautifully. Michelle's is slower coming and will be her Valentine's Day present.
I am so HAPPY. I can't wait for her to see it. I dared give it to Kimmy to read this morning, and of course, she couldn't get through the first page without crying, so she'll read it tonight when she comes to get Caiden.
And...Ethan is walking. I love it! His mom is going to freak when she comes to get him tonight and he walks to her, if I can get him to do it!GO SMART BABIES GO!

The tail wagging the dog

First of all, I know how this happens. I'm a parent, and I have a very firm grasp on how it happens when we let our kids dictate any one thing or another because it's easier. Bedtimes are often like this for people. We'll do whatever the kids demand we do to make it go smoother and without crying. We had to boot camp Julia to get her to sleep without me rocking her. We took Joshy's paci away at the ripe ole age of 6 months because Cullen got sick of replugging him. I get this, and I understand it.

Ethan is 14 months old and he requires a bottle in order to go to sleep. The sad part of when some things happen is that we parents - not meaning to, of course- make our kids think that they actually can NOT go to sleep without this, that or the other. And wouldn't that suck? Wouldn't that really suck if you yourself could NOT sleep unless you had _______________, and then ________________ happen? It would totally suck, especially since we have everything we need right inside of ourselves to put ourselves to sleep.

So- I made a decision. I decided that I was going to teach Ethan that he does not need a bottle to go to sleep. His naps weren't so fantastic anymore, and when I'd go in he'd be playing with his bottle.

Usually it takes 2 days for anything to stick with kids. This much I remember. You have to gear yourself for a very long 1st day of whatever it is, a less long day the second day and by the 3rd day normally it's much, much better. I thought I was ready.

For the first time since having daycare, I had a day when I was just ready to throw myself out the window. :) It was very hard to not cave in. He was horrified that I wasn't giving him the bottle. He didn't know what to do with himself. He was pretty upset. I ended up putting him on the couch, and it took another hour for him to pass out from exhaustion- this child is ready for a nap at 11am, and he finally fell asleep at 1:30pm. He stayed asleep only for an hour, but I was proud anyway, that he did actually fall asleep without his bottle.

The next day was long also. I started with him on the couch, and it took 45 minutes (only!...felt longer at the time) to get him to go to sleep. I pet his face and played with his hair and laid him back down 150 times, but he did it. That was a 2 hour nap that would have lasted longer if he hadn't rolled off the couch. :) Poor kid. He wasn't hurt, just a little WTF just happened, as you'd expect.

Friday. He was tired by 10am. I was very hopeful for him. He didn't ask for a ba-ba at all during the morning, and he actually said CUP when he was thirsty- YAY! Anyway, after lunch I got his pillow and blanket and got him set on the couch. Without any petting from me AT ALL, he went to sleep.
He slept for 3.5 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He even woke up 2 times, and went right back to sleep!!! I am SO PROUD OF HIM!!! I don't know how much a 14 month old understands, but for the past few days I said to him "You are so amazing- you have everything you need to sleep. You don't need a bottle! Big boy! " I am so proud of him. He rocks!!!!!!

Tomorrow I will put him back into the crib in the bedroom now that he realizes that it's okay to go to sleep without a bottle. I am so proud of him! Can you tell?

Dirty!

I don't feel good. I have a little cold. That's all it is. Everyone around me has been sick and I haven't gotten it, thanks to my most amazing immune system. I don't think this cold is going to get any worse either, and I'm thankful.

However, because I don't that good, little things are irritating the SHIT out of me. I'm letting them.
I know you're dying to know what's pissing me off, but don't worry- I'm going to tell you!
First of all- Cullen was home yesterday. We got a note that our mail is on hold til our mailbox is shovelled out. Cullen had time to run and lift yesterday. He didn't find time to shovel it out. He asked me to CALL MY DAD today to shovel it. **** that. I went out. I saw it. I decided we aren't getting our mail today either. I'll tape an I'M SORRY note to the mailbox for the mailman.
What a load of shit. Thanks for taking care of yourself.
Mind you, he did go get me soup last night when this started hitting me.
See? He's still good.

This morning he came in with his boots on, of course, and tracked wet, dirty snow all through the carpet and floor. I was cleaning it up right behind him as he went. He apologized, but didn't stop walking through with his boots on. No worries, I have nothing better to do anyway. <---brat. This morning he fed me my thyroid pill at 4am so I could wake up and take dayquil right away, and he had the coffee made for me when I woke up at 6. See? Still good. He still wins.

I have presents to wrap, and I just don't feel like it. My kids need haircuts. I don't feel like it. HEY! Cullen did get all 4 kids clean last night, too. We went shopping for gifts but only spent $50. I just didn't feel good and it was rubbing off on him, he just wasn't "feeling it". And we drove all the hell out to Fleet Farm, too. Oh well. Try, try again. The opportunity to shop without kids comes up ALL THE TIME, right? HA!

I'm tired of kid stuff all over my house. I'm even tired of the Christmas stuff all over the place. Vacation is going to be really, really, REALLY good for me.

REALLY. Even with my kiddos there. ESPECIALLY with my kiddos there.

Okay...time to go power up with some veggies. Go, amazing body, Go!

Happy

I'm just happy.

Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies are in the oven. Cullen is off of work today, and having lunch with his boys. All 3 babies are sleeping, and Julia and I are waiting to throw batch #2 in the oven. I have Christmas shopping plans tonight. The world is good. There's so much good.

LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE

Perma Monday

Ever have a weekend that doesn't really feel like a weekend? Of course, I know full well that my very own attitude makes all the difference in the world.
I find that I look forward to weekends. Who doesn't, right? I look the most forward to the QUIET TIME. I enjoy having my own four kids around to talk to, do learning time and homework with, play with. During the day it's kinda hectic- I am reminding someone to make their lunch, eat their breakfast, brush their teeth, while chasing around the 14 month old or getting a bottle for one of the itty bitties. The kids LOVE the babies- which rocks and helps, except when they are suposed to be getting jackets on, or what have you. Julia is laying under the baby thing with Caiden as I type. Anyway- when they come home, all the babies are still here, and I'm trying to get dinner going. We used to eat dinner together, and we would if I would just hold off on dinner til after Kimmy and Travis leave, but the kids are so hungry after school, and unless I want to give them a BIG snack, it's just mean to make kids wait forever to eat. So we eat at 5, when we are all hungry and have plenty of time to use some of those calories before we go to bed.
So- weekends are nice. Just the 6 of us, and of course sometimes other kids or neighbors come over and it's fine.
But last weekend- well....
Kylie stayed over Friday night because Zach, CJ and Josh were sleeping over at Nicks to help him celebrate his A in Reading. Zach and Kylie were both staying in Bloomington. Their dad left one of his vehicles in Bloomington, went to a party in Bloomington, and even though there was a blizzard coming, decided to go back to Hudson early Friday night. On his precious weekend with his kids.
That irritated us.
His kids are good, but that was 6 kids in here all day Saturday. He had to be out shovelling and snow blowing, which left me not getting any kind of break at all. And he didn't either, I realize. He didn't get to sleep because a neighbor needed help, and he got up and stayed up to help him. I did get him a nap later, but it was just constant. And I got really bitchy the more I heard about how his brother "missed" his kids. Whatever. I don't buy it. If they forecast a blizzard for a week straight, there's probably going to be a blizzard. Try planning for that. But it was a nice weekend for him and his girlfriend, who didn't have her daughter that night either. Good for them.
Yesterday I did cookies all day, which was very nice, and very relaxing, if somewhat heartbreaking to see my mother in law struggle so much.
This morning my babies gave me a run for my money, but I'm getting used to that. Sometimes I like when they aren't on the same schedule. It helps to be staggered- constantly busy but it's not the screaming at the same time then, and that helps A LOT.
Here we are. It's Monday again. Or is it still? Did it stop being Monday at some point? Another weekend will appear soon enough, and maybe it will be filled with less children this time. I still have Christmas shopping to do, classes to cancel and a savings account to figure out. A turkey ham to bake, and in a few minutes a baby to feed. One is perfectly happy on the floor, and the other will be waking us soon.
Guess what? I didn't have to get ready to leave my house this morning. I didn't have to get dressed up to go to work. I don't have to answer to anyone cept me. I don't need to do any stupid reports or figure anything out. I get to stay in my cozy warm house that smells like Christmas with all these precious kids. A run for my money or not- this is the best (for me, of course. Probably not you, or you'd be doing daycare in your own warm house, not answering to anyone cept you!) .

One last thing- CJ gave me a the intent form for school for next year. He said "Am I going next year?" talk about point blank. UMMM...I told him that I'm going to fill it out like he's going, and if it works out this summer with the curriculum I'm getting and we do fine and he likes it, he doesn't ahve to go. I'll withdraw him and fill out the homeschool paperwork. :D Yowsa.

Heart Hurts

So yesterday Kimmy, Erin and I went to Jane's to make cookies. She was going to (and did some) roll the dough for us and nap as needed.
I don't know if it was because we were there- she always seems to do worse when there's activity going on, but she wasn't good. She just went down hill all day. She was up for a couple of hours and went to nap and woke up even worse- she couldn't breathe, she had one of her blackouts....she was GRAY. I've never seen her GRAY- going purple from lack of O2. I got her oxygen on her, but she was so so so out of it. :( I left shortly after that, and Kimmy said it was even worse later. She and Mike had to carry Jane to bed, she was absolutely purple by then. they got her in bed and a few minutes later Kimmy went back in to see how she was and Jane says "Oh, hi! I didn't know you were here..." We'd been there all day.
My heart hurts, hurts, hurts.
I want it to be over. We're all terrified that it will happen in January, when 3/4's of us are on vacation.
Mike is on leave from work until February.

The good...

I love, love, love Cullen and I love, love, love the gift of generosity.
Here my poor darling husband came home from working out in this crazy weather and tried to lay down. Kylie is here and the kids were playing. I tried to keep them quiet so Cullen could get some much needed and deserved sleep, but it didn't work so well. Then the neighbor came over. His son in law is up at the cabin, and he couldn't get the snow blower to work and wondered if Cullen could help.

So I went in. I felt horrible for waking him up, but how many times has Cullen gone to do the driveway only to find it's been done? Or gone to mow and Other Chuck comes over with his rider? I went in and whisper asked him if he'd mind terribly getting up and helping D get the snow blower going.
The next thing I know, I see him over the blowing their driveway for them. D and O were out there shovelling, and in no time at all, it was taken care of. I felt so proud seeing him do that. I just love it.
I say it all the time, but in this crazy society we have set up where we all break off into these teeny, tiny families and try to "make it" on our own (which doesn't work!! It doesn't! Our kids shouldn't go away 6 weeks after they are born! Everything in us tells us it's wrong! We shouldn't be "forced" to work to maintain our extravagant lives!), where more people than not live by TO EACH THEIR OWN and SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST...well, it's just good to have landed in a space where we have good neighbors.

And I love nothing more than seeing people think of others instead of themselves. Guess what my precious babies got to do? 2 nights ago Cullen took CJ and Josh to the store with him to pick up a couple of things. The bell ringer called out to them, and they stopped to put money in. He asked if CJ and Josh would like to ring the bells with him, and pulled out 2 bells! They were so happy to help. Cullen went in and shopped and my sweet babies rang the bell and a steady stream of givers stopped by to contribute. Isn't that the BEST?!?!?!?! What a sweetheart that bell ringer was. And my darling husband bought him a $10 subway gift card for volunteering his time and helping us in teaching the kids about doing and giving and the difference they can make.

I'm pretty sure at some point after Christmas I am going to tell the kids The Truth about Christmas. It feels horrible lying to them and so many things don't make sense. Our kids trust us to tell them the truth about stuff and I really dislike the lying. So at some point after Christmas I am going to talk to CJ and Josh, and we're going to have a discussion about Santa and how we are Santa's to so many people in so many ways. It's not about buying a ton of shit. It's about giving from the heart. Coloring pictures for Bob. Cleaning someone's car off for them. The way they hug me when I whimper when I'm being tag teamed to death. How freakin SWEET they are as they sit around making eachother gifts. We can research Santa and St. Nicholas and learn all about who St. Nick was, and how the idea of Santa came to be. We will talk about Jesus and why we make such a big deal about his birth and how we can continue to act like Jesus and Santa, and Buddah, and Allah, and Krishna and all of the people we "look up" to. How we can share love, especially with those whose lives are not like ours. There are kids suffering right now, people being beat by spouses right now, people outside in this horrible weather right now. There are also people who opened up their hearts and houses to someone who would otherwise be outside right now, and someone else is feeding someone who'd be hungry....there is so much good going on. Did you see the HALO awards? Freaking AWESOME! Helping And Leading Others--- Nick Cannon hosted and these people are TEENAGERS and they are doing AMAZING THINGS. GOD, it was just the best to watch. It made me cheer so loudly and cry happy tears. Good things ARE happening. Not everyone is wrapped up in their own lives. It's awesome. LOVE IT!

Love you forever

I don't know why I did it to myself. I read it. I can barely THINK about it at any given time without crying, so I don't know WHY I read it. I didn't even read the WHOLE THING and now I can't stop.

Have you read it? It's horrible. So I'm giving it to my sister in law as a gift. :) It speaks to all mothers everywhere about the horrible pain that comes as our babies grow and go away. As it is, most people's babies "go away" too soon anyway so their mommy's can work. It's HORRIBLE. I miss my babies! I love who they are becoming so much and I want them all home RIGHT NOW so I can hug them.

I love...

wrapping gifts for people when it's something I know they will really like.

Julia in her Christmas dresses on a Friday for no good reason besides that she can.

Phil and Justine's engagement pictures.

catching up with Phil.

candy cane hershey kisses.

Adalane's sweet snore.

snowstorms when we don't have to go anywhere.

going to Dakota County's Christmas Heritage Village. It's the best EVER! All the old houses are all decked out and everyone is dressed for the era. Mrs. Santa is in the post office helping send letters to Santa (he sends one back, too!), and you can send mail to our soldiers also. We stop in at the Drug Store for hot cocoa and visit with a woman who works there. Her son committed suicide years ago. I sent her a book, anonymously (of course) and it's good to see her and get caught up without her knowing that I have such a concern for her.

going there with Dan and Deb and my parents. Gosh I love all of them so much.

clean laundry.

knowing that I can do anything I want to.

Julia's hysterical sense of humor.

Friday afternoons.

baking Christmas cookies with Kimmy, Erin and Momma Hayes.

my Peaches. I miss them.

warm socks.

a fire in the fireplace on a Sunday morning.

Pillsbury Cinnabon cinnamon rolls.

cream cheese frosting.

running miles at night to make up for what I ate during the day.

long hair.

knowing who I am.

seeing Em and Kim every day.

making yummy dinners for all of my family to enjoy.

that Shannon is working part time. Not strong enough for full time yet, but part time! That's HUGE! GO SHANNON GO!

my friend Judy in Iowa. She's a full time firefighter (and has been for 22 years!) on a squadron of 122 men. She's a kidney donor. She had FOUR organs removed in TEN months. She beat me by one appendix and one month. :D I love who she is.

sending Bob pictures the kids drew for him.

feeding hungry babies.

clean houses.

Homeschooling

I love this article. Of course, you can go find one talking about parents who really wrecked their kids by homeschooling, but he really talks about all the reasons that I really dream of doing it.
http://www.homeeducator.com/FamilyTimes/articles/10-3article1.htm

Minus the religious parts, of course. ;)

Happiness is...

Warm spaces. Not just heat wise, but places that aren't cold, white, uninviting.

Babies cooing, pooing, snoozing.

My babies loving babies I didn't give birth to.

Good neighbors on both sides and across the street.

Being grateful.

Being brave enough to do what I want and have everything I dream of.

Sleeping next to my heater husband in my fantastic bed.

Good morning hugs from said heater husband when he gets home from Fed Ex in the morning.

Feeling like I have a pretty good grip on everything I'm doing.

Feeding my family, and then having time to hang out and play before bedtime.

Working out with my kids.

Getting to be the main influence in my kids' lives for their first 5 years.

Getting to be the main influence in other people's babies lives for their first years.

Believing in myself.

Watching Julia be so cute with the babies that I have to stop and tackle her right now!

Seeing Ethan's first steps.

Getting to see Emily and Kim at least 4 days of the week. Nothing makes me happier than when they come in and plop down for awhile.

Ho Ho Mochas with an extra shot of espresso.

Watching babies learn new things.

Not having to get up and get "ready" to go into work.

seeing that other kids and parents actually LIKE having my kids around.

mom's kick ass speghetti. Man, it's sooooo good. Want MORE.

Adalane weighing 12 lbs. It's her mom's boob juice, and me feeding it to her.

Christmas smells in my house.

Tampa, FL on Jan 5th-9th.

Baby Magic

Here's when you know you're a baby fiend- if having 4 of your own and then taking on a 13 month old, 4 month old and 3 month old weren't a clue enough.
Let's say you have a wild morning. One baby is pretty upset, the 13 month old wants to keep helping, you're feed both infants at the same time, with the one screaming through most of it. You get them burped, one still screaming. It goes on so long that the other one gets tired and has to go back to sleep. The 13 month old has been a CHAMP through it.

When both babies are sleeping, your insides are still going (imagine how your insides are going by this time). You have a great snuggle with the 13 month old, who tries to fall asleep on you.

You feed him, plus 2 of your own kids, and finally let him go take a nap.

And...both infants wake up. You're getting used to this now, and because you suspected this might happen, you've warmed up both bottles. Tandem feeding. Same one that was fussy before is still having a time of it.

Eventually you get her back to sleep, and you walk by the fridge, which has this poem posted on it. :

Babies Don’t Keepby Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing,
make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby
...and babies don’t keep.


burst right into happy love tears and I'm SO THANKFUL I get these two babies. Baby FIEND.

It's working! It's working! It's working!

You know how kids emulate what they see? It's WORKING!!!!!!!
Today on the way to the store to buy CJ's friend a gift to celebrate her birth, out of nowhere he says "I can't believe his family doesn't come visit him."

He was talking about Bob. Bob is a disabled vet who lives up north. His family is within blocks but has nothing to do with him. I don't know the backstory there, and I don't think I want to. All I know is that at Thanksgiving, the kids all drew him Thanksgiving pictures and we went to give them to him and he cried. CRIED. While we were standing there, cried happy love tears.

My aunt wanted to make sure they understood how important that was to him, how very, very big that "little" thing was.

That has stuck with the kids.

So we adopted him and sent him one of our holiday cards, warning him that he'd been adopted.

I got a note from my aunt telling me that she'd received a phone call from him with more happy love tears.

I told the kids it worked.

We were at the store buying Kate a gift and we chatted about how Bob probably doesn't get many presents at Christmas if his own family doesn't come visit him. He lives in a retirement building, and I'm sure he has tons of friends there, but since we're his new adopted family....we decided to buy him a couple of presents. But here is the part that I really, really like...CJ says "Mom, you guys are always so generous with everyone."

DID YOU HEAR THAT????? Part of me was "worried" that all these things we do will seem so "normal" to the kids that they might not understand that it's a gift to give to people. The flip side of that would be that they grow up giving because they are used to seeing that. But instead, CJ at least, has noticed how we roll and acknowledged it. I told him "You are generous, too." He asked how. I reminded him about helping serve the homeless, and how he'll be doing that again. The way that he offered me his gloves this morning and I accepted and he found another pair to wear. How he takes care of his siblings and friends. How he dared to borrow his football out even though it wasn't returned to him. How he supported the donation and helped take care of me and by his support, it was his donation too, as it was everyone's who supported it. The way he lets kids go ahead of him in lines and celebrates others' moments.

He gets it! He gets it! Actions speak louder than words, and our actions are sinking in!!! YIPPPEEE!!!!!

I'm heartbroken and you're going to hear all about it.

I don't know if you remember (or care- it's okay, don't feel bad!) back last year....I was in the process of the donation but not matched yet. I received an email from a highschool friend whose step mother is in need of a kidney. She taught in our school system for EVER. My older sister had her even. We still have the globe the Mrs. Johnson gave to Rose, and that was a million years ago. I didn't know I'd react so strongly to the email, but I did. I burst into tears and it took a LONG time to get a grip again. I felt horrible because I was already in a program, and our blood types don't match anyway, but knowing that someone I know needs a kidney really, really hurt deep inside. Replying to the email...ugh. I don't know how the people in the transplant clinics do it when they have to make a decision. I respect what they do even more- it feels a little like playing God and the waiting list is so obnoxiously long....
So last night at the kids' concert, there she sat. And she doesn't look well and you can tell she doesn't feel well. I spent the rest of the night sniffling and blinking tears away. When we got home I cried it out as much as I could but it doesn't go away, as you can tell from the tears all over this.
I'm frustrated because most people aren't brave enough to do it and I'm not supposed to judge anyone for that, except to know how different it would be if THEY knew someone who needed a kidney. Isn't that rude of me? it is. But I'm so frustrated. I can't help! I can't donate my other kidney. I would if I could. Cullen and I started talking about him getting tested. My beautiful husband isn't afraid- but he just started his new job and isn't sure that he wants to ask for 2 weeks off. He says "i'd go back to work the day after coming home." That irritated me for more reasons than I have words for. I am NOT a wimp. I have a HIGH pain tolerance. I had 2 major surgeries and 1 minor surgery in 11 months. He has NO IDEA what it feels like coming out of it, which is why he said such a stupid thing. He can THINK he'd go back to work, but he couldn't. No doctor would even clear it. That was frustrating to hear him say that he wouldn't try to take care of himself. It's okay- when the time is right, he can donate if he wants to- I think he was trying to get me to stop freaking out.
Anyway- it's so taboo to ask people for their body parts, but SURELY there are more people out there who aren't afraid? If she dies needing a kidney I'm going to really have a hard time with it, especially because her darling daughter reached out and I know that wasn't easy for her. It breaks my heart to think that she might have had a little hope when she emailed me....
the whole thing sucks.
Pooks is right though- it doesn't take a big thing to make a difference and I need to look at those little things and gather them up. And I can remember the CNN Heros, the people out there doing amazing things that I haven't even considered. And I'll feed the homeless again Dec 30th and buy jammies for the jammie drive at school and I can do what I can in other ways but GOD- I'm NOT AFRAID and I wish i could donate MORE since too many people *are*.
SUCKS ASS.
Rant off.

I always speak too soon...

Letters are coming in! Letters are coming in! Slowly, but surely. YAY! And thank you to JLK SO MUCH! I love your heart and she will be touched by yours!

Bummer

I'm really disappointed. I thought I had such a great idea when I thought up the love notes for Chelle and Jane, but do you know what? People haven't responded. They all said they would, then they didn't. Because they feel like they need to take a big amount of time to do it? Because it tugs on heart strings? are people really that freakin afraid of "going there" for a minute? What is so hard about it? I'm finding myself WAY disappointed in people in general, cept for the few that have done it.

SO that's bummer number one. People are wimps. Sometimes. And only some people.

Bummer number 2- Jane is just way not good. I really don't know that she'll make it to Christmas and it pisses me off. I don't know what to do. Should we move Christmas up? Would she let us? She wants her hair cut, also. I think we're going to go over tonight to do it. Sans kids. If she can handle it. She didn't even want Kim to go over the other night. She went anyway. And Jane, while she loves her daughter, son in law, and grandson, still preferred to be alone.
How do we do this? What are we to do?

However- there is good news. I have finally gotten the email addresses of the others in the chain and I love that. I love getting to know the other people better. That's the BEST and will save the day, any day, no matter what.

What random act of kindness should I do today? Maybe I'll send someone flowers anonymously. I think I'm going to.

One more thing is minorly irritating me but I really have to let it go. It's a little irritating when people who have not grown 4 children question me on a thing. But since it's THEIR kid, I really can't let it bother me, you know? They can be as paranoid and as anal as they want, because it's their baby. Sometimes. :)

Nicki in Babyland

Today is the first day my niece came for daycare. She's 3 months. Caiden is 4 months. Ethan is 1. Nicki is silly!
They are all good babies- that's the good news! Oh sure, there's some crying, but I expect that for the first week as everyone adjusts to another child being put in the mix. Jordan bailed at 11:30 for the neighbors house. He'd had just about enough of my no Wii and no cartoons rule. :) I let him only because he was just a huge help all morning. "Jordan! can you go give Adalaine her paci? Jordan! Will you hold Caiden's bottle just like this while I go get Addy's?" I made sure to reward him and give him snuggles and learning time too.
I see short posts in my future. I'm being called for....

It's gonna be awhile...

Yup, it's going to be awhile before I'm done talking about. So sorry. Not really. :P
I just got an email from Shannon- he's being interviewed and it's going to air tomorrow for Thanksgiving. PERFECT. I'm so excited for him! His story and his journey should be shouted from the rooftops! I'm so happy for him.
It's a very strange feeling to instantly love someone. Well, okay, it's not. That's pretty common for me. It's a very strange feeling to get to be a part of someone's journey in such a big way. I wish I could accurately explain to everyone how I don't feel like this is about ME. It's about THEM! It's about the people who were in need and the way, the path that led to this happening. Their willing donors who love and care for them so much. I am just so happy for them. And for Shannon. I hope that all the goodness surrounding all of this makes even more magic happen for him.
It was also on the news in CALIFORNIA! Isn't that weird? And what are the chances that my great aunt would just happen to catch it when it was on?
Wild, wild life.

The Most Fantastic Day Ever!

Are you more excited to hear about it, or that I might stop talking about it soon? :P

I was a nervous wreck yesterday, of course. I think I almost squeezed Cullen's fingers off on the way once we got to the hospital and were walking to the board room. I was a ball of NERVES!!! THANK GOD we were the first ones there- that was PERFECT. I much wanted that instead of walking into a room full of people. I got to say hi to the transplant team before it got crazy, which was really nice.
Kare 11 was already there, and Renee came and said hi and then asked if she could interview me afterward. Then she realized that we were the first ones there and said maybe they'd do it then instead. So we went for it. She'd ask something and I'd answer. Suddenly, JA from the U comes over and says "Your recipient is here! Come and meet him!" and there he was, with roses for me, and tears in his eyes. I don't remember much of what I did or said but it gave me tears and I got to HUG HIM....and I know he was thanking me over and over and crying. His name is Shannon, he lives in Minot and he is a CHAMPION. I understand why he calls me his hero, but talk about heros- this man has been through more than most of us ever will. He is the epitome of strength. His health was not good. He didn't have much longer. He is normally 170 pounds when healthy. His brother died of kidney failure in 2003 and he was sure he was next. He had been wheelchair bound for 6 months before surgery- he hadn't walked in SIX MONTHS!!!!!!! He was 101 pounds the day of surgery. !!!! He is up and walking, and 130 and gaining!!!! I have NO WORDS. I just love him to pieces already. Meeting him was an honor that I have no words for.
There were cameras flashing like crazy and microphones hoovering nearby non stop. Shannon's sister, who donated in his honor, came over. Cullen and I met everyone in the chain. It was just incredible! So many people live right around here! It's crazy! I hope we have some new friends we get to keep. Matt, who was the last recipient in the chain, has 3 kids 3 and under. That sounds so familiar, hehe! The stories are AWESOME! Prescilla, who was told she would likely not ever be matched because of her antibodies, got a 6 out of 6- a PERFECT MATCH. The surgeon said the don't see that in identical twins often! Talk about MIRACLES. It went way too fast, I didn't get to talk to everyone and hear their stories, but I think I'll get to because most of us will keep in touch now.
I don't feel like I had surgery so it was strange to see Shannon and know that a part that was in my body is now in his. He told me about getting the phone call- he had given up when he found out his sister couldn't donate to him but she wasn't going to- it was she that found out about paired donation and signed them up. They were matched THE NEXT WEEK!!!! Timing is everything and to see such a big love touches me deeply. I asked him what the last dialysis treatment was like- he said he was so happy to be done, that dialysis is so harsh but sometimes he felt so sick that he actually looked forward to it. He was on it for 1.5 years. When my kidney was in the air, they got him hooked up for the last time. They let him say HI to his new kidney before surgery- wheeled him right over to it so he could see it! Is that the coolest thing EVER?! He has pictures of getting out of bed and walking for the first time in 6 months. Can my head even HOLD that *I* had any part of that? How wild IS THAT! He has 2 kids, 21 and 23. I wish they were closer so we could see them NOW. The kids are so excited to meet him.
The connection I feel with everyone that was there somehow is bigger than kidneys. It's more about an understanding - having a love so big that there just are no boundries.
I really just love everyone there. The U did such a great job, Abbott was amazing and I can't wait to see all the pictures that they all got! The pioneer press's article is my favorite so far because Chris links all the people together so you can see just how it went down- he did a great job! SO MUCH FUN!

Does the COACH win the game?

Okay- first of all, you should know that I hate football. HATE IT. Violently. I think it stems from an abusive relationship in highschool, and he was a football player and he was a HUGE jackass- and losing a game just wrecked everything for the night and sometimes into the next day. Football is STUPID and I think we waste a TON of money on players. So- now you know where I'm standing when I blog this.
I'm not surprised that the (stupid, pathetic) Minnesota Vikings coach got fired. They suck.

But isn't that just the thing? THEY suck? How is a new coach going to keep BF from throwing another interception? Is a new coach going to get them some touchdowns and better defense? People all seem to think so. Can a president make us or break us? Don't WE kind of make or break ourselves? Sure, all those "big guys" spend money we don't have, blah blah blah, but shrink it down- we stupid wittle peons do the same thing with credit cards, right? We spend money we don't have, and many people can't pay it back. If we want change, if we want something to happen, isn't it up to ME? YOU? The players? If we had a really shitty horrible president who was doing horrible things to the people and we decided we'd had enough, we'd stop him.
So how is a new coach going to make the Vikings stop sucking?

Football is stupid.
:D

Well, gee.

If what just occurred is any indication at all, I'm not going to remember anything about tomorrow.
I just had an interview with the Pioneer Press. And I have no idea what I said. Somehow the kids got fed lunch during it (magic!) and Ethan got the last bit of Kim's boob juice from the bottle. You'd think I would have been paying attention to what I was saying, but I wasn't because I was NERVOUS! WHAT DID I TELL HIM?
He asked me what other things we do as a family, and he asked me if surgery was painful, and how long recovery was, and why I decided to do it anonymously. Okay, okay. Some of it is there. I can remember some things.
UGH. I wasn't nervous today but now I am. I was hungry and now I'm not. I think I'm going to have a nervous poop soon.

omigosh, what am I going to wear Tuesday?

Right now, right this very very second, I got VERY VERY NERVOUS. What am I going to wear on Tuesday??? Holy crap.
Holy CRAP.
Why am I crying right now????
UGH.
It's very weird to me because I'm normally your very typical Leo - LOOKIT ME, LOOKIT ME, LOOKIT ME! but in regard to this I feel like "don't look at me! don't look at me!" Isn't that weird?
Let's examine.
These are some big feelings and I'm so sorry that you have to keep hearing about it but I don't want to be the person that no one wants to talk to because this is all she talks about, you know?
Okay- here we go, journey into crazy land. Hold my hand.
I feel nervous for everyone there, I think. I feel nervous for my recipient, for all the recipients there- because I am assuming that they feel some amount of nervousness too. I don't require any thank you's , because I already know they are grateful. Do you know what I mean? I also know that it's a gift to them from me to accept their gratitude. Have you ever thanked someone for something and they brush it off and it ...well, it's RUDE. It's rude to say "oh, it was nothing." NO, whatever it was was SOMETHING, and it's gracious and a gift to the person who is saying thank you to accept their thankfulness. Do I sound completely nuts? it's the caffeine in that big ole peppermint mocha, good LORD! Okay- so I feel nervous for them because honestly, when I put myself in their shoes I just about fall apart. Not that that is how they are feeling, but I doubt they took the news of someone anonymous donating their kidney to them like it was no big deal. I haven't had to look at this part of it, I haven't had anything to do with this part of it. THIS is the part that made me think that I couldn't have donated to someone I know because of the emotional weight of it. It's BIG. My GOD, it's big! Donating wasn't a big deal to me, it was something I could do. I know it's big but it actually gets PERSONAL when you meet the person you donated to! I'm VERY excited about it, but I'm very nervous!
What will I wear??????? *vomit*
What will I say????
What is it like meeting the person you gave an organ to because you love the world?
Will they want to stay in touch? I was told that they want to see pics of the kids. Will I have new friends for life? A new extended family? Will WE, I should say...the kids want to meet them too. And will all the other donors and recipients think I'm out of my mind when I'm crying and thanking them for doing what they did? Will I even be able to talk? One of the donors is from GEORGIA!
OHMYGOD. It's 4 days away.
I've been dreaming about this, and I need to try to enjoy the anticipation because it will be over so fast and there will only be ONE TIME that I get to walk into a room full of the people who helped make this kidney chain happen, and it's going to be a BLAST.
I just don't know what to wear.
AR reminded me that I won't be the only emotional person in there, thank GOD. I keep googling and reading and watching videos of anonymous donors meeting their recipients for the first time, trying to prepare, and I still think there's nothing that can prepare me.
I wonder if all my imaginings are anywhere near what he's like, if it is a HE. I've always imagined him to be older, and very, very, very funny, and I love him INSTANTLY. Fast and furious and for keeps, his whole family, and he ours.
Watch it be a very serious woman instead. HAHAHAHAHAH!
Oh holy moly.
WHAT WILL I WEAR!

I LOVE TODAY!

I have some friends out there who might not be loving today so much. So I invite them to latch onto my energy and let my love of the day seep into them.
I am sipping on the most fabulous peppermint mocha EVER created. NUM!!!! My ipod is charging which is the best ever because my most fave songs are on there. We have our outfits ready for tomorrows family pics, Ang is coming over for lunch, and I'm not nearly as big as the people on biggest loser= GREAT DAY!!!!!!
I've lit candles- more to scare the smell of a mapled up dead pig out of the house than anything. I don't have Caiden or Ethan here today, so it's Jordan and I and we went shopping and now we're home and I'm about to clean up real good. My breakfast nook is in the house and we now have a LOT more room in the entry way. I HATE to admit it, but it's a little small- I wish the table part were bigger but it's okay. If we lived in a 3 bedroom (those rooms were HUGE!) townhouse for a year, surely we can sit at a smaller table for a little while. I LOVE the nook and I'm SO HAPPY it's in the house!
Now I'm going to address, without them asking, so really it's dishing out, some thoughts regarding some of the sadnesses in my darling friends' lives that they are going through. I'm not saying that what i'm about to say is How It Really Is, but it's what I use in my head so that I can even stay on this earth when there's so much craziness going on.
Ready? Take what works, scrap the rest- hell, scrap it all if you hate it.

I pretend in my head that before we came to earth again, we all made "deals" with eachother, and as we live out our lives, minus the remembering part, our wishes are all fulfilled with and through eachother. Maybe N's mom decided she was going to be The Strongest Woman In The World, and she wanted to show everyone in her life, and even those she doesn't know (like ME!) what it looks like to be that, and to do that. Not that ANY of it has been fun at all, but if dancing with cancer for the 3rd time (right? THIRD TIME!!!?) doesn't scream "I'm so strong, cancer hasn't gotten me yet!" I don't know what is. I'm sorry she had to have surgery(ies), I'm so sorry that she has to go through treatments, I'm so sorry for her tears, and everyone around her's tears. It makes no sense at all, which is why I fall back on my crazy theory that there is a bigger story here.
I hope BJ's biopsy comes back with positive news, and she clearly loves everyone for wanting to not scare and upset everyone for as long as she could. Please let me know as soon as you hear something!
As for Cullen's mom- she's a walking miracle. There just is nothing to be sad about. It SUCKS watching her go, little by little, but in a way it will be a relief to know that she's whole again. She can't do anything but sleep, and eat sometimes and it irritates her and frustrates her and it's terrible to know that. I want her to be all better. She has shown us what determination is. She's made it DOUBLE past what they said she would! MIRACLES!!!!!!!! She is loved and supported by so many. She's been a gift to us, and she will continue to be even after she leaves her body. That's when the love is really going to pour out! MAGIC!
Okay. For real. My hair smells like a pig rolled in syrup and I have to shower. Irritating. I hate getting clean. HAHAH! I'm just kidding. I don't, it just sounded like it so I went with it.
Ride on my energy, I have enough to share. I'll carry you through with love!

Snip snip!

It just occurred to me that at some point, a male who is not an infant has been circumsized. And that male (those males) had had sex beforehand. How else could they know that sex isn't as good afterwards as it was beforehand.

That sucks.

I wonder why they would have decided to get circumsized?

Maybe I'm not alone afterall!

It's kinda funny that I've been married for almost 14 years and I have the view of marriage that I have, but it turns out that I'm not the only one noticing that marriage as it is set up now doesn't work all that well. (also funny that I have this view and both my parents as well as Cullen's are still married, huh?) There is a poll out there - and as it goes, polls are unofficial- but it says that 4 out of 10 people have the same view that Crazy Nicki does!
Yeah, baby!
I'm not completely crazy! WHO KNEW?!
I also found some folks online who believe in homeschooling- but I differ with them mostly on the God point- many of them do it because "God" told them they should while others do it because they think that the ACTUAL PARENT to the children should be THE MOST IMPORTANT and RESPONSIBLE for that child, and not a teacher or school. Of course, there are kids who just will succeed no matter WHERE they go- my niece Kalene comes to mind. She loves to learn, period, and she wants to do whatever it takes to get "out of there" --- meaning home, or so she said to me at one time. Straight A's. Brilliant. Self motivated, counts on no one except herself and she's getting it done. She could go to a "crappy" school and still succeed, you know? And her self esteem has stayed in tact. If only so many more could make it through that way!
But mostly it turns out that I should be amish. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! I would likely go nuts after awhile, because I do like my ipod or any music in general, and need it to survive. But I should live out in the woods (with the rest of the world not TOO far away- a mile?) with my children and husband where WE and the WORLD are teachers to our kiddos, who will not be dependent on iphone or wii's or tv for entertainment, but the outside world will be discovered and their own interests can grow and flourish. See? Amish. And completely foreign in this current world. Kindles are cool, but do you know what? Books, real, live, actual books are cooler. For kids, anyway- I want them to love the smell of the library and all the books and the feel of pages as they turn. And so far, I'm growing kids who love to read. They spend a good 30-45 minutes reading before bed each night, and they love it. When they are home during the day we have quiet reading time after lunch and it just ROCKS! I supose for adults who have already done the "book" thing for years and years, kindles are very cool, but drop me off at a Barnes and Noble and let me sit there amongst all those yummy, yummy books. Let me curl up on the couch with a blankie and something inspiring that i can open and close.
AMISH!!!!!
We went to Farmington last night and then to Fleet Farm, and it reminded me of why I loved it out there. The dirt roads and farms call to me! I can absolutely see my farm house all decked out for the winter, warm and inviting, off of a dirt road. You can see the glow from a couple of blocks away. Fire in the fireplace, stew on the stove, popovers in the oven, hot chocolate with marshmallows waiting for the kids. I can see it in the spring when I throw the windows open and put fresh flowers out. I can see it in the summer, with a pitcher of lemonade and iced tea waiting for the neighbors and children. I can see the kids taking care of the horses- and complaining about all the work until they get to ride after feeding and grooming them. I can see Jordan's face light up when we go collect eggs from the chickens the first time, and the joy of watching fertilized eggs hatch. And lets not forget the way they'd need to mop up my tears when an animal dies. HA!
Yup, that's me! Out and away, where life slows down, permanently. What would start out as a "little" garden will grow and we'll sell what we grow in the farmers markets and the neighborhood supermarket, and give baskets of fresh veggies to our neighbors. But I need somewhere to go when I need the business and the retail madness, so I'll need a SuperWalmart, a Michaels and a strip mall nearby- a couple of miles. :)
NERDY NICKI!!!!!!
Know what never gets old? When a child learns something new for the first time. Ethan just came to tell me what a dog says. He and Jordan are playing with a see n say, which is also very cute- Jordan in the big kid role.
Tonight a photographer from the Star Trib is coming over to take pics of Cullen working out. He's not excited, and he's going to hate me when I go post it on facebook. But I've weighed it out, and it's worth it. :D Don't tell him.

OH! I'm not anonymous anymore then.

That's a double edged sword. Kinda.
Okay- thought vomit coming. DUCK!
I will NOT be bothered by any people/person out there that thinks that I like this for the attention. I don't know if anyone even thinks that, other than one person who MIGHT but I won't give that too much attention. I don't care about that.
What I DO care about is what if someone sees it or hears it and feels inspired to give in some way? WHAT IF?
JA asked me if I'd be interested in contacting MPR about doing a commentary regarding the donation/giving/gratitude etc as a kind of Thanksgiving....thing.
!
!
! So I did. I'm sure E had no idea that minutes before I called him, I was sobbing happy tears and I would have been bouncing had my feet been on the ground. Since I'm permanently floating now, that is no longer possible. :) I think I get an A for containing myself. DO YOU HEAR ALL THIS???????
I GET TO MEET THE KIDNEY CHAIN!!!!!!! MY BABIES! I feel like they are my babies and I want to hug them and smooch them and tell them thank you and good job. I LOVE THIS.
LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!
I LOVE IT!!! ARE YOU GETTING THAT?

There. Back to wanting to hug the world. In fact, I think I am.

Well talk about timeliness!

Just when I thought the world was stupid and it sucks and there's no hope because too many people are crazy, I got an email from JA - the media girl at the U of M.
There is a get together on Tuesday the 23rd at Abbott- FOR THE WHOLE CHAIN!!!! THE WHOLE CHAIN!! THE WHOLE CHAIN!!!!!!
i just now stopped crying. THE WHOLE CHAIN! CAN YOU IMAGINE?! The media will be there which is freaking me out- I'm a mess NOW.
THE WHOLE CHAIN!!!!! I GET TO MEET THE WHOLE MAGICAL CHAIN FULL OF PEOPLE WHO WERE BRAVE ENOUGH TO GIVE THEIR KIDNEY'S TO SOMEONE THEY DON'T KNOW!!!! THEY ALL DID IT! I AM SO PROUD OF ALL OF THEM! I CAN'T WAIT!!

Is that THIS Tuesday? As in less than a week away?

I take it back. The world doesn't suck. There are people in it who make choices that I will not and would not make, and people whose interests are in things that I don't understand and I see kids being raised in ways that don't make any sense to me, but I almost forgot. I am connected to 4 other people who care so much that they gave their kidneys to people they didn't know. Now, if that isn't COOL, I don't know what the hell is.
TUESDAY!

I don't really want to be here.

Okay- first of all, I'm sure this feeling will pass. It always does. But this world is so stupid, sometimes I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I know that it's all just a "contextual field" in which I can make decisions about what *I* want to change/see, and I get to choose how I see things and what things and what people I affect, but God. It started bad last night, and got worse. And there's TMI in here, so you've been warned.



I could not give a bigger crap LESS about Prince William getting married. But it was on for 30 seconds and I watched it. Then I just got FURIOUS. A 17 year old killed 2 people, and PW got as much air time. I want to know more about this 17 year old. What was that home life like? And was it different now? What do his parents do? Is there a dad? Anyway- PW's fiancee said something about how she can't wait to "help".

SCREW THAT. You need to marry ROYALTY before you can help? NO, you don't. And I'm sure she's a giving, loving person anyway. But do you know what does suck ass? Because we are so STUPID that we care SO MUCH about ROYALTY and other famous people, she WILL be able to help in BIGGER ways because of who she "is" now. Wouldn't it be nice if *I* could show up somewhere and do something for a HUGE amount of people just because I married royalty? And suddenly have all the funds to do it? Cept she will be in the spot light and EXPECTED to be that way, I guess, whereas the rest of us peons do it because we want to, regardless if the world knows what we are doing or not.
Somehow we have BILLIONS of dollars to spend on SPORTS PEOPLE- we pay obscene amounts of money for baseball players, football players- I don't even know where to start there. We put a PRICE on someone's WORTH and that's OKAY with everyone. Then to top it off, we SUPPORT that idea and pay LOTS OF MONEY to watch those people play. Yet we can't find a way to get people off the streets because MORE PEOPLE agree with putting a price on someone's head and watching them play for us, and MORE PEOPLE agree that TO EACH THEIR OWN and SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST. We can't find a way to get food from the haves to the have nots or housing for that matter, or stop the abuse. Stupid world. Thank GOD Prince William is getting married finally so SOMEONE CAN DO SOMETHING about EVERYTHING. Gee, I wonder what she'll wear and what kind of shoes she'll have on. I guarantee you that we are so pathetic that we will have that information. STUPID!.
So- that's what I went to bed with.
See? I don't feel this way all the time. Just sometimes. Normally I love the world so much that Cullen feels like he can't compete with the world (and it's not even a competition!). Normally I want to hug the world and I love snuggling Cullen and everything is outstanding.
But today I want to be somewhere where things make sense. I can't figure the world out today. There's too much crazy and not enough GOOD that I can see.
And it's only 9:05am. The good news is that I have all day long to smooch babies and tickle tummies and cuddle children and maybe I'll remember why this is worth it at all. I'll also drink my yummy coffee and eat my nummy bread and cereal and teach Jordan more letters and get the laundry done and make another yummy dinner and maybe by the end of the day I will feel better. We can only hope.

Kinda funny

So yesterday our phones pooped out.
Mind you, we do NOT have iphones. We don't believe in them. HAHAHA! If I didn't have a computer, I'd have an iphone, but very slowly but surely, we're watching iphones cause all kinds of issues around us. Wives get upset because the husband can't put it down. Husbands and wives are in the same house, not connecting, but playing on their phones. Extra curricular and maybe not all that appropriate relationships and conversations are being had all freakin day and night long. God forbid we put the phones down!
I don't feel as strongly about it as Cullen does. He thinks that technology will be the end of us, and do you know what? He's probably not completely wrong. We'll get too far ahead of ourselves. We're still so barbaric as we are, and nimrods who create things that are smarter than they are are asking for trouble. Hopefully I'll be far gone by time we get to THAT place though.
Anyway- so yesterday, our ANCIENT phones that ONLY text and call people were out. There's always a slight panic about that because of his mom, but it just feels WEIRD to not be able to reach out to anyone at any time, or to be reached. So after realizing that they were not going to work until today---we put them away and GEE, it felt nice. It felt like we were hiding from the world. No one could get a hold of us. We could do whatever we wanted and not have to take anyone else into consideration! It was actually RELAXING. That was so funny to me that even though we have these stupid pathetic phones (it's really tempting to go back to not having a cell phone!), we still rely on them so much and they still add another dimension to life. And it was nice to be one dimension down and have one less thing to think about during the day and night. Isn't that silly?!
I was thinking about this because a few weeks ago A mentioned that she turned her phone off for a night and she and the hubby actually hung out with their kids and played games and how much FUN it was. That's ONE family, and you KNOW that thousands of kids all across the *great* USA know far too much about the phones their parents are addicted to. They get ignored or have to learn how to play what we're playing so that they aren't blown off. We're such a silly people. It's in this aspect that I am with Cullen. Less is more. Get's the focus back where it should be. There's a fine line between the kids learning about technology and having no option to because it's always in our hand. Give me 5 more minutes and I'll talk myself out of the phone, puter and TV.

OHHHH that's my ultimate goal, TV less! I dream of it. Maybe this summer Cullen will let us go completely TV less for the summer?

Breakfast nooks and I love Cullen

I GOT A BREAKFAST NOOK! WHOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!! We found one at Fleet Farm! SCORE! They are a HUGE pain in the butt to put together though so it isn't up yet. :) Did I tell you about the creepy guy at Sears?

That sounded like I have ADD but really it's relevant, and interesting (to me) how things go on that we don't see but we FEEL.
Here goes- went in to see if they had any of their nooks on display and they didn't. So I found a guy who knew stuff and asked him. Immediately, it was uncomfortable. He wasn't attractive- slicked back hair, thinning on top, but that wasn't it. It was something about the way he looked at me. He didn't look me up and down, but whatever it was felt ICKY. Jordan and I were with him for a whole 5 minutes. In that time I learned he lives in Bloomington also, married with 6 kids, they moved. His ex neighbor just took down his breakfast nook which was custom made and he offereed to check with him to see if he'd sell it to me. He gave me his card. I wanted to throw up when we walked away, the feeling was so gross.
Now, the situation which happened immediately after was comepletely different. We weren't even out of the store yet and another associate, a male -much better looking even, but that doesn't actually matter- called out "Hey! Did you see THE deal of the day?" I wasn't going to buy whatever it was, but I really just wanted to have a normal feeling after such a gross one, and this guy wasn't giving off GROSS vibes. Isn't that WEIRD? I chatted with him for a few minutes about the wicker thing that came in, he showed me that it's normall $120 but since the box it's in is damaged, it's $20. I still dont' have room for it so I didn't buy it, but it was a COMPLETELY different experience. The first guy didn't do ANYTHING outwardly icky, but there was something very icky there, and the second guy didn't do anything different than the first, but there was no ICK there. And it really didn't have anything to do with their appearances (I was just telling you where they ranked on Nicki's scale so that you knew it wasn't some hot guy and I was just nervous around him). Isn't that crazy?
And when we were feeding the homeless, I will bet anything at all that there was a (at the very least) wanna be child molester there. He even talked to the kids, but since he can't touch them we were all safe, but when I served him, the way he looked at me, I thought it right then "Thank God he's in here and these are the only kids around, and they are with ME." I could be wrong- that is pretty damned judgemental, isn't it? Or did I pick up on something? Who knows what we can't see?
I can't wait til my nook is up!
You know how I feel about marriage, in general. But even if I wasn't married to Cullen, and we were "just" dating, for all this time, there is something so awesome and amazingly comforting about having someone who you know so well and who knows you so well, isn't there? Is there anything better than being completely connected to the person you are with? I love that feeling so much. It's like the feeling of climbing into bed and feeling their warm body, but it happens during the day, when you're laying your head in their lap watching the game, or going out to eat with your darling and well behaved children (Thank God). Or shopping. Or letting the kids help decorate the house and you catch him looking at you. *dreamy sigh*

Suzanne is home from the hospital as of yesterday. She's high risk for a stroke. Her tear isn't growing but it isn't shrinking yet, her INR is where it should be for now, and hopefully it will start healing. She's still doing daycare, but with help. NO SEX. NO DRIVING. NO EXCITEMENT. It's huge that her blood pressure doesn't increase at all. Thank God she's okay but I'm still scared. Cleaning was hard without her there, and Rich teared up talking about how her headache just hurts here and there's nothing they can do for that. And how scared he is that she'll have a stroke and how he doesn't know what he'd do without her. :(
Happy Winter! I love the sun and the snow.
I can't decide if I should book us- as a family- a vacation in Florida for February or not.

XO

Feeding the homeless

Have you been to your local homeless shelter lately? I highly (9:25am, first kid in for good from outside) (NOT WORTH IT!!!!) (WET SHIT EVERYWHERE!!!! THE CARPET, OH THE HUMANITY!!!) recommend you go and check it out, just for "fun".

We got a tour this time- when we served breakfast before, we didn't. The room that the 22 ladies sleep in is just that- a very small room with nothing in it but those little mats on the floor for them to sleep on. They each get sheets and a blanket and pillow for a week, which are kept in plastic garbage bags at night. They can have a locker to keep their personal things in so they don't have to haul them around during the day. This shelter serves breakfast, and gives them a bag lunch to take with during the day- they are not allowed in the shelter during the day, after breakfast. Everyone out by 8am. Some people do work, some don't have anywhere to go cept for outside. They are allowed back in at 6pm, and dinner is served at 7pm.

The men's side, which holds 44 men, is the same. We saw their donation room- the first things people run out of and need the fastest is socks and underwear. Didn't occur to me. They can't keep those things in stock. They keep feminine products for the ladies- did that occur to you? It didn't me. Of course they need those and where would they get them? They no longer keep clothes for them because there is just no room to store them all. NO ROOM.

Volunteers make the meals. This shelter doesn't have a food shelf. People come in and give their time by making meals, like we did last night. Home made meals. Other people but together sandwhiches for the lunches. There is a staff, but it's not run by them- it's "run" by the volunteers. There are 2 overnight volunteers who take 4 hour shifts each, to help people because they get scared sleeping in a room full of other men or women that they don't know. Of course, some of them do know one another by now. And they open breakfast and dinner to former shelter guests who are now in housing but can't afford to feed themselves because they are paying for a roof over their heads.

It reminded me of the food shelf that we toured after the food drive we did. It seemed like there was a lot of food, but then you see how much they go through in one day- IN ONE DAY...the need is so great that if they don't constantly solicit for donations, it's over. Isn't it sad that places have to beg for help? Here we are. You're reading this sitting in a warm place. You're probably not hungry and if you are, you'll eat. We take SO MUCH for granted. And now, it's snowing. Right now there are people out on the street because there is no where to go, and they are just thankful that in another 9 hours they will get to go into the shelter again to have a hot dinner.

Go. Call and ask for a tour, it takes 10 minutes for a tour- maybe 15 if it's a SUPER SHELTER. I haven't seen the local family shelter, I'm going to.
And we're going to gather up all the blankets we have sitting around here and wash em, and bring em to the shelter. 9:45am- child #5 shows up at the house. What's one more set of wet nasty clothes and boots in the entry way that's already overflowing. Child #6 9:45:39. But at least they are all IN now. And I'd rather them be here than their house, where the Wii rules.


Anyway, last night was great. We went through all the chili we made, and it was perfect. Some people had 2nds, even 3rds and that made me the happiest- FULL BELLIES!!!! Many were very excited that it was home made chili. CJ and Josh were ROCKSTARS- they helped set up and serve. Many guests thanked them for helping, and both said they enjoyed it. Which is good because we're going to do it again December 30th. At first I was scared to death that we'd run out of food. Every time I looked up the line wasn't getting any shorter, but it turns out that we did PERFECT. I'm SO thankful to all of our friends who helped out by making food or helping serve (CHUCK! ROCKSTAR!!!!!!!!). I loved it, and I want to do whatever I can to help the shelter. We take it for granted that the shelters are up and running and that "those" people have somewhere to go, but do you know what? They aren't running by themselves, and there's a constant need for items and help there. THANK GOD other people are helping them, right? I'm not there helping right now, and neither are you, and I'm grateful others are stepping up, much more often than we are, but we're going to do our part.
One of the men said "Some people are out trying to get lucky on a Friday night. Others (meaning us) are out trying to help someone who's down on their luck."

Josh is helping me plan the next meal. :) I think I smell a new family tradition.

It's 9:10am and...

I've already uttered under my breath "Goddammit, it's not worth it!" in regards to bundling up 4 children (which took 25 minutes...had to find snowpants that fit, missing a boot, someone's strap isn't tight enough, Julia's jacket went missing...) to play out in the beautiful snow (which made me giddy when I woke up)...only to have one come back in with wet gloves (doesn't want mittens that they can't control though), another crying because his chin is cold (here, have a scarf!)....and it's been 2 full minutes now with them all outside. They are cute FOR SURE. Absolutely. Now I'm horrified thinking about the entry way. It's THISBIG and there's NO ROOM for wet nasty snowpants, jackets, boots, mittens. So I'll make some hot cocoa and tea for them when they come in- this idea is compliments of their father (who is working today-BOOOO!), who happened to call in the middle of a mini meltdown. : )

And when I woke up, for the record, I was cheering, and I came RUNNING out to the kids, far more excited about the snow than they were- cept they wanna play in it and I don't. CJ just threw a snowball at me! Anyway- it's ME! I love the first snow! It's awesome! In fact, I love the snow right up til the middle of January- I think the longest I've lasted is Feb. 9:19, first child all the way in the house, but he's back out, he needed his hood put back on. Anyway- ESPECIALLY now, and the buildup til Christmas, I LOVE. I LOVE LOVE LOVE. I can't even express the warm fuzzy feeling I have. I just have to get over the fact that the kids have a 3 x 3 space to come in and get out of all their nasty wet clothes. All 4 of them. 6 of them. HAHA. I need to resign myself to the fact that it's going to be a horrid mess and there's no room to store anything. And that we went all spring, summer and fall without making that better.
My vision is a breakfast nook that seats at least 8, then we can get rid of the big table, and I can open up the entry way so they can come in and all have room to take their stuff off.
Okay- I'm going to be okay. Time to warm up some drinks and store all these extra snowpants. I have Christmas music on. :) Shut up, it's getting me through. :)