I don't know if you remember (or care- it's okay, don't feel bad!) back last year....I was in the process of the donation but not matched yet. I received an email from a highschool friend whose step mother is in need of a kidney. She taught in our school system for EVER. My older sister had her even. We still have the globe the Mrs. Johnson gave to Rose, and that was a million years ago. I didn't know I'd react so strongly to the email, but I did. I burst into tears and it took a LONG time to get a grip again. I felt horrible because I was already in a program, and our blood types don't match anyway, but knowing that someone I know needs a kidney really, really hurt deep inside. Replying to the email...ugh. I don't know how the people in the transplant clinics do it when they have to make a decision. I respect what they do even more- it feels a little like playing God and the waiting list is so obnoxiously long....
So last night at the kids' concert, there she sat. And she doesn't look well and you can tell she doesn't feel well. I spent the rest of the night sniffling and blinking tears away. When we got home I cried it out as much as I could but it doesn't go away, as you can tell from the tears all over this.
I'm frustrated because most people aren't brave enough to do it and I'm not supposed to judge anyone for that, except to know how different it would be if THEY knew someone who needed a kidney. Isn't that rude of me? it is. But I'm so frustrated. I can't help! I can't donate my other kidney. I would if I could. Cullen and I started talking about him getting tested. My beautiful husband isn't afraid- but he just started his new job and isn't sure that he wants to ask for 2 weeks off. He says "i'd go back to work the day after coming home." That irritated me for more reasons than I have words for. I am NOT a wimp. I have a HIGH pain tolerance. I had 2 major surgeries and 1 minor surgery in 11 months. He has NO IDEA what it feels like coming out of it, which is why he said such a stupid thing. He can THINK he'd go back to work, but he couldn't. No doctor would even clear it. That was frustrating to hear him say that he wouldn't try to take care of himself. It's okay- when the time is right, he can donate if he wants to- I think he was trying to get me to stop freaking out.
Anyway- it's so taboo to ask people for their body parts, but SURELY there are more people out there who aren't afraid? If she dies needing a kidney I'm going to really have a hard time with it, especially because her darling daughter reached out and I know that wasn't easy for her. It breaks my heart to think that she might have had a little hope when she emailed me....
the whole thing sucks.
Pooks is right though- it doesn't take a big thing to make a difference and I need to look at those little things and gather them up. And I can remember the CNN Heros, the people out there doing amazing things that I haven't even considered. And I'll feed the homeless again Dec 30th and buy jammies for the jammie drive at school and I can do what I can in other ways but GOD- I'm NOT AFRAID and I wish i could donate MORE since too many people *are*.
SUCKS ASS.
Rant off.
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