Now it's almost funny.

It's funny/sad. He's totally avoiding a 5 minute conversation. Like literally. Not that what he's doing is unimportant, I'm sure he's doing vice president things, but he's avoiding it. It's pretty funny, and sad. But I'm not scared anymore. Now I just feel sad. And a little like giggling. He's going to make me go in there and interrupt him and do it because I need to leave here at some point!

HOLY CHEESES PART 3

He's back from his wife meeting.

he's right there.

waiting.


just waiting.....

Do you believe in magic?

I do.

I think there is magic happening. Not related to the meeting!

Can you hope for some magic? I think there's magic....I'll tell you more later!

HOLY CHEESES SOME MORE!

He has read the email and he is sooo unhappy and not looking forward to this conversation. I wish you could have seen him. I had to grow a pair when I thought that he was going to be gone for an extended amount of time, so I said "Have you seen my email?" and he said "yes, I have. And I'm having such a *great* day (he's not)...first daughter needs surgery, then I find out son lied again (there are background stories that don't matter here to those things...)...I am assuming you don't want to be interrupted when we are talking, so after I'm done with wife, we'll meet. (sits down) how about if I just kill myself now and we'll skip ...(interrupted by phone call from wife)"

Of course, he's being fecesious about that, but I know that he knows and he isn't liking it at all. Have I told you how much I love him and am going to miss him? It's going to hurt, missing him. He's my favorite, for real. I hope I get to keep him in some kind of way, shape or form.

HOLY CHEESES!!!

MFVP wasn't here but he is now and he isn't in a good mood and he's going to KNOW soon! He is going ot read my email and he's going to KNOW what it's about and ANTICIPATION IS FREAKIN MURDER! This is HORRIBLE! I can hear him in his office! DYING HERE!!!!!!!!

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong that I just semi freaked out on someone else's kid? Because I did, and I feel a little bit bad but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I AM TRYING TO FRICKEN WORK AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING STORIES ABOUT MY KIDS GETTING PUNCHED AND PUSHED. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF KIDS WHO NEED FRICKEN CONSTANT NEVER ENDING SUPERVISION WHO DO MEAN THINGS TO OTHER KIDS THE MINUTE THEY THINK NO BODY SEES. I'M TIRED OF JULIA FIGHTING WITH CHUCKIE AND I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO DO 15 THINGS AT THE SAME TIME.

Got it? Sick and tired of it. So KNOCK KNOCK, he comes over every 10 minutes. Julia delivered the news that she can't play right now and why and Chuckie starts with his "i'm never ever going to play again then" shit and I LOST IT. I'm trying to do my fricken report and I'm sick of the never ending knocking because eventually there is tattling.
So I marched over and said "CHUCKIE. I'm tired of hearing you say mean things. I'm tired of you punching Julia and of her being mean to you, so you guys are having a break. I'm TRYING TO WORK." He went away. Then I felt bad but F*CK I'm sick of having to hear tattling and be on the lookout for the next lie, the next shove, the next whatever. I'm tired of kids who have to be watched all the damned time!

I'M TIRED OF WORKING AND TRYING TO BE A PARENT AT THE SAME TIME.

The! END!

HAPPY

Favorites of the day:

food- BLT. Seriously, is there anything more brilliant????? Crispy lettuce, juicy tomatoes, tangy Miracle Whip, and savory bacon. BRING IT ON.

drink- water. Boring, but OH SO GOOD. Although I'm drinking it with some ground up coffee beans in it right now. :D

time of day: MORNING! I love mornings! They make me want to sing!

place- here, outside, cabin...

Funniest story: the ex boyfriend of an exwife in the family (and she's quite a CASE, seriously) is now dating the mother of my nephew (and she's another CASE!)- on accident. That is so funny. That dude is seriously glutton for punishment. Or else he just REALLY wants into this family, so badly that he doesn't care what whackjob he hasn't to involve himself with to get in!

color: periwinkle

Word: poppycock. USE IT!

Okay, I'm done for realz. I'm going to go use my body and do something physical. Like cleaning. Again. Some more. Yay. hahahha

Nicki Hayes, Party Of One

WHOOO HOOOO! My body is actually SORE today. I am not even sure what I did this weekend, but this is great news that I'm being more physically active! YES! OH, I guess I cleaned a lot, and last week I ran with Tuggie around MFN's yard a few times. This is good stuff!

_Side note: Why does Paris Hilton get to do anything she wants and continue to get wittle spankings? Will she actually do ANY time for the cocaine? Stupid world.

Anyway- yesterday when I was power cleaning I actually got a hit of endorphins, which was lovely. I didn't understand why I've felt kinda lackluster in some respects lately, but THAT took care of it. It's time to get on the tread mill and start workin it again! PURRRRRRRRRRRR! I'm not trying to care about the number on the scale, but gee, I'm almost *there* since my muscle all went to hell. :D Doesn't matter, does it?

You'd think I'd be nervous about tomorrow, wouldn't you? I thought I would be, but instead, I'm on my couch, with my laptop (I work from home on Monday's), scared to even move because Who Knows when JJJ will pop up and ask something. You know that at least half of my paranoia is just *ME*---- but I do think that I wasn't ever this nervous to walk away before (whereas they can go get breakfast at work, and go outside to smoke, etc)...but it's working for me. Because it will help me email MFVP tomorrow and then go in and surprise him. I'm pretty sure my current boss will remain completely unimpressed with the way that I am CONCIOUSLY CHOOSING to go about this, but my loyalty certainly does not lay with HIM. It could, he could have helped earn some of it, but it's not worth a damn to him- which is fine. I'll act accordingly, and tell the person that I DO feel loyal to first.Perhaps it will be okay for me to email my boss a note, saying "Good Morning, I just got done talking to MFVP and your boss....have a good week away! " with the attachment? I don't know. We never know just what I am going to do, do we?

Is there anything cuter in the whole world than Jordan? He woke up pissy because he'd been in his room trying to get his shirt down, and couldn't, so came out frustrated and teary. I helped him the very little that he'd let me, and he came and plopped back down on the couch. "Plopped" isn't exactly the right word because it's quite an event, getting sitch-i-ated on the couch. Assume position, get blankie on right so it covers feet AND fits into fist appropriately, thumb in mouth (yes, I know, he's working on it). Then he looks over at me, on the other side of the couch. UP, scoot, scoot, scoot (closer to me, YAY!), plop down, start all over. I win! He still likes me!

I got to meet Pookie last week, who is MFN's first and bestest Nikki. I wish she stayed longer because we had lots of fun, and she would have loved Sat night, when we were up til 2 freakin am like rockstars (SOBER even! Well, me sober, and MFN eventually sober). Pooks is beautiful, funny, a massage therapist, and currently (and momentarily) single. She came having high hopes of making out with one JA, but instead, it turns out that JA stands for Jack Ass because JA was too scared to sit by her, let alone make out with her. I admit, when I met Cullen, I pounced on him a little bit. But I was 18 years old and a hot mess, and here she's NOT, and it's okay to want a boy to go ahead and bust a move instead of being the one who has to do it. Kinda ridiculous, but we'll see what happens. Either way: GO NIKKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Curious George is as stupid as Caillou. In case you wondered.

Okay, on with the day!

Oh, Tuesday.

There. The next time I'm in the office, I will also be emailing Bruce to see if I can talk to him for a few minutes and then I will deliver my "news" and it's going to EFFING SUCK!!!!!

Have I told you how much I love MFVP? I know there's another post on it, but I LOVE HIM! And do you know what? He loves me, too. On the very most basic level, he gets me totally and completely and would want nothing other than for me to be myself. This is how he is with people. He is a brilliant engineer and he's hysterical and people in the company have such a different view of him. I just don't want to work for anyone other than him, if I need to be employed by someone other than myself again.
I can't thank him enough for all of it. For sticking up for me when CB vowed to never promote me, and so I left that dept (in the incorrect way, thus creating a very large sized "issue")...and MFVP had to go to war over it, and he did. He has been a cheerleader in so many ways for so many people. I HAVE thanked him numerous times throughout the years, for allowing me to be home with the kids while working. Not because I'm a SUCKUP (I was called a suckup in a fake conversation I had with Angie. How's THAT for insane?) . If anyone knows me they know I tell the people I love how I feel. They used to make fun of me for it at work, all the different people I said I LOVE YOU TO in a days time. Now they don't. :D I appreciate what he's done and how he runs his department so much. It's a little bit of a joke that I'm the princess. Sometimes he says things out loud that other people hear and I wonder if they think "OH LORD." He and AR are the hardest part about walking away from the job. It is hard to walk away from someone that you know really appreciates Who You Are someone that you hold in such high regard..and OMFG. I'm going to miss him.

TS

TS is fairly new on the scene, by a few years. I truly don't know too much about him except when I really barely knew him, we were doing the fund raiser for Arrian, and he came to that when he didn't have to. I thought that was very sweet of him.
I'm sure he's excellent at what he does and will be here for a very long time, like the rest of us.

KC

KC has been here, with this company, almost as long as I have, and he was a the dc when I came over from the home office. His job is similiar to mine and he has watched the progress just as I have.
He's a pretty big hoot. I think I've mentioned him before on here, but there's not a lot of holding back where he's concerned. He kinda says what he thinks about a thing no matter where he is, or who is around. He also has a very big heart- his kids are all grown up now, and he's still married (a huge feat these days)- he's dealt with his fair share of pain in the butt situations, and scary situations, and sad situations since I've known him, but he doesn't go around yapping about them. In fact, we're lucky to hear about any that come up! I would encourage him to be a little more open about some of it- there could be some good support here for some of the things that go on. Girls share more, easier though, don't we? hehe
Yup, I'm going to miss him biggest!

DN

OH how I love DN! I made Cullen listen to the SPOKEN version of these last night to his dismay. He said "Why is it always a love fest with you?!" but it is! I LOVE DN!!! He has such a good heart. He would never have mean intentions. He is completely well read, very smart, and I'd want to travel with him if I had to travel again in this department. He makes whoever is around him feel comfortable, and he's so comfortable in himself. I love being around him.
He, too has been with this company forever and was with MFVP when I came to the dc.
He's just...GOOD! Good energy! I am going to miss him the most! (tee hee hee!)

PM

PM is one of my favorites. That's funny because there are only a handful of people in the place, and I will say that about all of them, but I MEAN it this time (hahah). He rocks for all sorts of reasons (and did I tell you that JC's wife only has one kidney? Sweet!).

First, he is a fricken STITCH. He cracks me UP. He has the best comebacks EVER. He's not as loud and obnoxious as I am (who IS?), but he's still way funny. He plays along with stupid games that I make him and AR sometimes play to entertain myself. He's nothing in trouble in meetings either. I can't look at him or AG. There is nothing worse than an inadvert funny, and I glance at one of them and they are shaking trying not to laugh!
Second, he is not a victim. And he really probably could be. His pancreas doesn't work. It's dead. He is on insulin, of course. He's probably used to it, I'm guessing. He's looked into transplants and what have you and so far none of the options are very good. I have NO IDEA if he ever gets sick or anything like that, because that's not what being his friend is about. That isn't what defines him. But for all the "victims" that I know- the people who think things just keep happening to them and don't want to take any responsibility for any of it (UGH!), he doesn't whine. I like his outlook on life and I'm glad that I got to know him for a minute before I bolted from there. He's getting married in a year, too. Sucker. <------- I'm JUST KIDDING!
Besides AR, and MFVP (when he's there), I'll miss PM the most.

JC

It's time to do a run down of my love for the peeps I have worked with for all these years. JC goes first.

He was at the dc when I started there, and I was scared to death of him. He is one of the most sarcastic people I know, and I didn't know how to take him. I got over that pretty quickly, but when he is mad, it's like when MFVP is mad- LOOK THE HELL OUT. Even yesterday he was sitting in my cube trying to figure out a query, and it was all "fbomb this and fbomb that" under his breath ..."I don't have time for this shit..." etc. He also happens to be really, really funny and completely UNSCAREY now. Don't tell him I said that, he'd hate it.
He left the company for a few years, and just like everyone else, he came back. Today when we were discussing me leaving (which for some reason made AR gasp "WHAT! WHY!" when I said that I told him), he called it an Institution, and it is. If I ever get tired of teaching children and volunteering, MFVP will be THE very first phone call I make. Institutionalize me. Cept don't make me work for JJJ. :D

And he said he'll be sad if I "actually" do it--- which I AM actually doing it. He still is in denial and thinks that MFVP will come up with a way to keep me. Isn't that sweet?

STRUGGLING!!!

Today, I am struggling.

Would I be strugging so much if I hadn't forgotten to punch out for my ride into work? NO. I would not. I am struggling because I didn't want to tell JJ or ask him to "fix" my timecard, so instead, when I realized it, I punched out for a half hour. The problem with this is that he requires me to share with him whenever I "leave" or "punch out" *unexpectedly* so I sent him an email, punched out, and came back. He's still in a meeting, so i still have to wait for him to read the email, shake his head and roll his eyes and my inability to something so "simple" and then make a note of it for my file.

So I'm struggling.

The day started out glorious, and it can still return to glorious. On our way to work, my favorite pastor at the church I don't go to, was with his group on the corner telling everyone good morning and handing out waters. GOD BLESS THEM. It made me want to do something good for someone else.

Then I remembered I didn't punch out.

And now, I sit, scared of JJ, mad that I'm scared of him, irritated by his opinion of me and the fact that I still have to wait til Tuesday to put in my notice. I want to tell him that the things that I am REALLY GOOD AT are being a mom, teaching my children, and helping other people. And that he's not a good manager, he's terribly impersonal, and in such a tiny department that seperation of "power" feels even bigger. But none of it matters. "If they are in your life, love them." I'm suposed to assume that he is doing the very best that he can, the very best that he knows how and treat him with respect. But sometimes it's hard- I know that *I* am in control of my feelings. *I* somehow allow him to affect me this way. WHY? It's because I want to please. I want him to be happy with me. But he isn't. Ever.

I printed out my list of tasks. I asked Angie if she wanted a look so she could pick the things that she'll want to do. That was mean. I know she is so very, very sad about me leaving. I am going to miss her terribly, seeing her every day.

I don't know why I'm struggling today! I could go outside and cry. Isn't that stupid? Over WHAT?! I have no idea. I think it's just from being slowly suffocated. Only til Tuesday. Then they'll know I will be able to breathe again.

SOON.

There IS a difference!

Did you know (and of course you did, you smarty pants, you!) that when I'm doing daycare, I am going to have to have some seriously diligent record keepign abilities? Not only for the kids I'm doing care for, but for all of my expenses! I need to learn about this NOW, as much as I can!

What's funny about this is because I might be close to the least detail oriented person in the whole universe.

However, I CAN be taught.

My boss would not believe it if he read that, since I'm in chonic trouble for my lack of ability in the Little Details Department. And I mean it- there is always something I've overlooked or forgotten no matter how hard I look at something before sending it out. It is almost comical. I actually came across an email from him from 9 months ago, praising my work and my learning. Yeah, all that praise got eaten up by the Formatting Devil, who lives in Excel Hell. BUT I digress.

When it's something I CARE about, I can be taught. I, the most type b person in the world (cept for when it comes to being late to anything, which sends me into a panic and takes a lot of effort to settle myself down from), am going to have pristine record keeping abilities soon.

I am going to learn from my mother. My parents have owned their own business as long as I can remember and she is the single most organized human I know. Okay, my older sister is too. *I* did not get that particular gene. I must have swapped that gene for the "boobs" gene which I have and they don't (nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!). I am going to ask my mom and I'm going to take notes and I'm going to be good about it all the time. It will feel good.

See? It makes a difference. You'd think that I'd be an ace at work since I hyperventilate over keeping Boss happy, but that kind of caring isn't the productive type. : )

Am I glowing? Tell me the truth...

I think I might be.
It's possible someone reading this read that and is wishing that something "bad" would happen to stop the irritating glow.

Guess what we got last night? An email from Cullen's interview saying that he has the job if he'd like it.

Did you hear that?

He will make the same amount that he is right now, doing something he really enjoys doing, and he got himself a couple of days off between jobs! It was his first interview! I don't have to keep looking for jobs for him! THANK YOU WORLD! THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU UNIVERSE!

*rubbing hands together* ooooh! We've got plans, we've got plans!

Plans like going to Wisconsin Dells in January with the kids (clearly, haha). Plans like PUTTING MY NOTICE IN N 6 MORE DAYS!

Now I need to wrangle some more kids for daycare. The social is this Sunday, so I will have to make some fliers to put at the teachers tables.

I think I might be glowing!

Or else I just need to poop. Which I do. Ever have one of those poops where you work and work and when you look to see your work, it's a bunch of rabbit turds that were COMPLETELY not worth the effort? And NO, I'm not *really* obsessed with what my colon spits out, and when things get back to regular and normal again, you'll stop hearing about it. Cross my heart.

And...it's NOW!

Today is the day for everything!
The good: I'm 6 weeks from donation and I feel LOVELY! I feel normal, any soreness feels muscular instead of surgical! WHOOO HOOOO!
The bad: Today I got nervous about turning in my notice next Tuesday, and then having to tell everyone I know in my dept and all of my friends here. 13 years of friends! SCARED!
The ugly: My hemmoroid itches.


I've noticed a pattern---- I set my sights on a goal. I set it up. I talk a good game. I use all my imaginings on how it will go. I throw all of my energy at it. At some point, I realize that *I* am going to participate in The Event (NOT the show! ). BUTTERFLIES! Scaredy Cat Nicki.
Not scared enough to CARE or to NOT do whatever it is, just scared enough to poop a little more often and lay in bed imagining scenarios. You know how much I adore MFVP. He's my favorite person, and I think - no, I KNOW that he will understand, but you know. Just one of "those things".

Know what I love to hear? I love it when people acknowledge the fact that when I/we say we're going to do something, we do it. It's even funner when it's something crazy, something like shaving our heads (and look, he kept it!) or donating a kidney or both of us quitting our full time jobs at the same time. :) Maybe someone else will notice that everything turns out okay no matter what and stop being afraid to take a leap of faith and do something wild that they've been wanting to do? More people than not probably WON'T, in the name of "being responsible". But I'm not normal and I've worn off on Cullen. Screw that- there's not enough time to be stuck doing anything or be stuck with a person, or stay unhappy. Not enough time. JUST DO IT.

Cheers, dears!

We're gonna fly!

First of all, I just sent a report for the first time on a MONDAY to a whole SLEW of people. The person I'm sending it for did not reply when I sent it to him to ask him if I did it correctly, so here's hoping. :D

Cullen, my darling brave husband, put in his 2 week notice today. Everything thinks we're nuts. He had an interview on Friday but put in his 2 weeks anyway, because I have complete faith that it's going to actually turn out okay. Isn't that *sick and twisted*? I know we're going to be fine.

I'm CHOMPING AT THE BIT to put in my notice but I have to wait ONE MORE WEEK. ONE MORE LITTLE WEEK of being terrified of my boss, being terrified that I'll forget something or not format something correctly. He is going to be so excited when I put in my resignation, I want to do it NOW just so he'll know he won't have to "deal" with me anymore. He has ALOT to learn about being a manager - he is very impersonal and cold. He couldn't tell you anything that is going on in any of our lives, and he doesn't care, either. However, people outside of "his" employees probably know all about his life. He just has a bit to learn. It's okay. I wouldn't want to stay anyway, even if HE weren't my immediate boss, and I've created him so that it's easier for me to leave. I knew THIS decision was going to come eventually- do I really want to work in an office all day, doing graphs, running reports? OR do I want to be at home, raising babies and my children, and doing volunteer work? HELLO. It's all a matter of perspective. I'm aware of this. MY perspective is that I couldn't care even a little bit less about formatting the report. I TRY on it, but I don't care. It doesn't affect me or my quality of life, OR anyone that receives the report. It's shampoo. What I care about is getting some food made for the homeless people who are made, in general, to be less than the general population. I care about making laundry baskets for people who are moving into their first home after being homeless, to say "love you! Great job! Keep going!" and I care about people dying on waiting lists for organs, and I care about showing my kids how good they have it and how much we have to give to other people. THAT is what I care about. I do not care to be rushed in the morning, trying to get kids where they belong. I don't care to be worrying about punching in and out at the "right" time. My job served me well, but I'M DONE and I look forward to BEING DONE! Less than a month left, and I can give it my all for the last 4 weeks. I can totally do this. My boss is so anal and great at his job, I'm sure he feel satisfaction when he leaves every day. That is awesome. i am NOT an office girl anymore, and not content to do something I don't love. I am not going to turn around in another 20 years and realize what I missed out on by staying somewhere I am not happy. I want to be with my children! I have never subscribed to "have a baby, give them to daycare at 6 weeks, go back to work". I think the USA has it all jacked up when it comes to maternity leave. I'm sure some people can't wait to get away and go back to "normal" after having a baby, but I didn't have kids so someone else could take care of them more than I do. *I* want to be that person. My kids deserve that.
UGH. ONE MORE WEEK. LESS THAN A MONTH! I CAN DO THIS!

Then...darling friends....we're going to fly.
Immediate plans for when I'm officially finished with this job is that I will have 2 full weeks off. And I won't have had surgery, or given birth to any children to have this time off. I will just have 2 weeks. GO ME!

Voting, Red Tailed Foxes and Knowing Too Much

If that isn't a catchy title, what the hell is? HAH!

On the way to drop the kids off today (not "those" kids, and it wasn't a pool. Actual children, at the in laws) CJ was noticing all the yard signs for with different people's names on them. He wanted to know why they were there. So we started discussing voting and advertising and all the negative ads on TV right now.
I told them in no certain terms that their jobs will be (and I will help, gag, puke, barf) to research each and every person THOROUGHLY in order to decide who wins their vote. I will, of course, get them into this practice well before they turn 18. I'll start in a few more years when Jordan and Julia will comprehend more what we are doing and why.
It will probably be good for me. Wouldn't it be the funniest ever if I actually end up VOTING?! If THAT is the way that will finally get me to believe in another completely fallible human being who has grand ideas and then will get into office and find out that the system is full of CRAP and that all they can do is TRY, LIE and HIDE? Yes, sadly, that is my perception. And being such, it's all I see. I have never seen a public completely satisfied with anyone or anything that goes on, and we're constantly uncovering the lies, the scandals etc. Why- WHY do I want to involve myself in that? I'd SO MUCH RATHER do a food drive, put together laundry baskets for homeless people moving into their first house...ANYTHING...push out a baseball sized poop that threatens to kill me...ANYTHING other than get involved in the disgusting world of politics. ANYTHING. But...for my kids...they will. They will at least know the process and if they choose not to take part in it, I will know that I have at least armed them with info so they can make that decision.
I'll do the same thing with (gag, puke, sob!) hunting.
THEN CJ said the cutest thing a 9 year old could ever utter. Okay- exaggeration, probably, but I wanted to pull over, tackle him, and then gobble him up. There were construction workers doing something, and Jordan yells out "GOD BLESS YOU!" --- you know, we God Bless everything. Julia said "where?" because usually we're yelling it at police/ambulance/fire trucks. I said "The construction workers! They are on the road and all these people are driving. We're helping keep them safe!" and so there was a chorus of "GOD BLESS YOU!"'s going on. Then CJ goes for my heart and says "Wouldn't it be *funny* if every time we said that, a big heart would surround them and nothing could hurt them ever again?" That would ROCK! I'd include glitter and sparkles in the hearts, but I didn't tell him that. I LOVE that idea. I love that kid! I love my sweet babies!
THEN if all that wasn't enough for a 10 minute ride to Grandma's house, a red tailed fox takes off across the street in front of us. Of course, I'm such a nerd that I was making a big commotion about it, so we went slowly..it crossed in front of us again, and then hung out a long side the car for a good block. It was SO CLOSE! I could almost smell his foxy breath! It stopped to pee, and I could see the pee pee! THANK GOD- CJ has been all about my camera lately, so it was with us and he took picture after picture. He insisted on keeping the camera with him so he can SHOW "EVERYONE" but tomorrow I will upload the pics. It was pretty cool!
And...on to Knowing Too Much. I keep learning about life with one kidney and sometimes I wonder how much info is too much. I now know all about my eGFR vs my mGFR and I don't know if I want to know that. Is that stupid? A part of me just wants the kidney drs to know my numbers and to trust that if there's nothing to be concerned about, then GREAT! I know some knowledge is power- even though it would be "okay" for me to have a drink, I probably just won't. As it is, I know that our kidney function decreases with age anyway, and anything I do on top of that that makes it work harder ...well, at some point, it will make a difference. All the research I've read says that truly, one kidney shouldn't make any difference at ALL- But see, the more I learn, the more I KNOW. I know ! I know! I know that I am thirstier. I know it's swelling to take over for Lefty. I know that a low protein diet would make it easier on my kidney, as well as low sodium. I know if I want to do myself a huge favor, I will work out diligently and stay fit and take GOOD care of myself- ALL THINGS WE SHOULD ALL BE DOING ANYWAY--- but maybe a little more important now? My pre op nurse was quite overweight....my brother in laws friend has only ever had one kidney and NEVER KNEW IT...drank his way through college and did God Knows What Else too...he's 50 now...and JUST found out and he's NEVER had a problem. My niece had one of her kidney's removed when she was 6 months old and she's as normal as can be, drinking caffeinated soda, coffee, sips of beer, and God Know What Else SHE will do as she grows....

AND I WANT TO LIVE IN THAT SPACE. A little bit.
I supose as time goes, and as I get through the initial dr appts where they do labs to see where my kidney function is, I will settle down. We're participating in a long term study and at some point I will feel like that's more of a normal thing and stop thinking about my ONE KIDNEY. Which, of course I will. I am FAR too rational and level headed to be ONE KIDNEY GIRL for very long.

OKAY- one last rant before I stop. This is the most irritating, degrading thing ever. Okay, busted- another exaggeration, but honestly. Tell me this wouldn't irritate you.
Did you know that in November (after I am GONE, GONE, GONE...but they don't know that yet)...EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE except for Phil, Laura, Kelly and I, are going to Chattanooga to PARTY? It's their "leadership conference"....Everyone. Aaron, who works under Jeff C is going (so it's not just a "bosses" thing..which makes me wonder why Phil isn't invited, at the very least). They all talk about how much fun it is, and how good of a time they have. We didn't even get ASKED. This is a small group of people, in a little office away from everyone else, and they have made it really clear who the bottom of the barrel is. I would say NO if I were asked to anyway, but mostly I don't understand how they are leaving Phil out of it. Part of me can understand Kelly and I- someone has to be here to run all of the plans etc...but I'm not going to be here and now Kelly will be doing...EVERYTHING? My phone calls, my EVERYTHING.
I hate to say it...but...in general I feel more loyal to MFVP than to my boss---but this one little thing...well, it makes me feel a little bit better about leaving him. He KNOWS...remember 6 weeks ago...the staff meeting (which, again, although it is a staff meeting, Kelly, Laura, Phil and I are not included)---he left the door open and yelled out "DON'T LET NICKI HEAR..." and the proceeded to talk about the conference. it meant that he didn't care that I heard...is that better than keeping it a secret and letting us find out in November when EVERYONE is gone? Isn't that kinda RUDE? It is, indeed. I shouldn't let it bother me, I won't be here. Right?

I like to move it move it.

It's one of those weeks so far. Even though it's only Tuesday- i feel dissatisfied with everything around me and that's always a sign that I need to DO SOMETHING!

So, I am.

What am I doing, you ask?

Well, I invited my boss to critcize me some more. He was nitpicking my stuff yesterday and my anestesia head had completely forgotten about a report that I'm responsible for, so he had the right to nit pick, I supose. So I invited a meeting, because if it's that much fun in email, it's even funner in person. LOVE IT. I shouldn't let it bother me since I know my plans anyway, but still.

Cullen has an interview Friday. That's good. He's a little nervous.

I cleaned out Julia and Jordan's room and am about to do CJ and Josh's so I can move Jordan downstairs and make a toyroom out of his room upstairs.

But those things, while helpful, don't make me feel like I'm DOING SOMETHING. I need to DO SOMETHING!
THIS FEELING MAKES ME INSANE. POSITIVELY INSANE.

More later. I gotta...DO SOMETHING! This is worse than pooping baseballs.

magic

I honestly cannot be thankful enough for the magic that seems to be everywhere.

One of the things that I will need when I'm licensed for daycare is railings on the outside steps.

My dad, who is having a birthday today, shows up with railings. The kids are out helping him. I love him to pieces and just cannot say enough about him. I just love him. He just does things and just gives and I can't scream THANK YOU enough or show him enough.

So instead we are buying a bunch of stuff for the pontoon for him. He'll like that a lot. I hope.

I love my dad. He's magic!

How do you feel about you?

I just got some self help email, and it was all about self esteem and how important it is to our success, and how I can get some better self esteem....

I was reading it and I have to say...I just don't have a self esteem issue. None. Not even a little bit. The closest I come to having a self esteem issue is being confused slightly sometimes at the difference between Cullen's feelings and my feelings and what it means when he says that he loves ME the way that I love the whole world, and that he knows that I love him, but it's not the way that he loves me. It makes me feel like I'm doing something "wrong" somehow, and I get confused about how one can classify a feeling, how can one try to box LOVE like that...but that's it.

As far as *I* go- I am fully aware of Who I Really Am, I am fully aware that *I* am at cause in the matter- any matter in my life, I have created and I believe that, and that my thoughts create things. I think I am a bright light! I AM Love. I AM Joy. I AM terrific. I AM irritating to some people. I DON'T CARE!

i happen to know someone without self esteem. it's pretty miserable and sad, and the timing of the email and my experiences with the self esteemless entity weren't lost on me. Maybe I should forward those emails on!

So yes. I just came on here to tell you: I'm great. I know it.

Another poopy post.

Where oh where has my little poop gone, or where, oh where can it beee????? I push and push but nothing comes out, oh where oh where could it beeeee.

I think I love today.
I'm working from home today, which I normally don't enjoy, but I'm going to be SUPER efficient today and I feel better becuase I slept on the couch and hit the vicodin. I am so sorry, but I LOVE THAT STUFF. It helps me more than I can tell you. NO, I'm not an addict, and at some point (SOON) I will not take anymore again ever, but for now, on the days that hurt and are hard and I desperately need to sleep in NO PAIN- ahhh, vicodin! And I wake up feeling SO MUCH BETTER. I rationalize it by saying that it's because instead of my stress level being up a little bit from the low level constant pain, it gets a break and can therefore heal SUPERFAST.

Today I am going to walk on the treadmill too. GO MEGA NICKI!

I just made a kick ass smoothie. Bananas and lemon and juice and milk and YUM FREAKIN YUM. Think the bananas are going to help my current poop stuck in chute problem? Probably not. Probably not the vicodin either, huh. Damn. Walking on the treadmill will!

Alright. Here goes Everything. What to tackle first? The laundry? The carpets? The closets? EVERYTHING, ALL AT ONCE? Anyone else see another vicodin night like...tonight or tomorrow night? :D

I love my cool body. AND I love, love, love, LOVE sleeping on the recliner with Cullen. He is soooo snuggly and it is SO heavenly. We should have both been sleeping way before we were but I couldn't stop snuggling him.

What happens if you are drinking coffee (a diuretic) and then a smoothie, and then some coffee? Does the coffee negate the goodness and nondiureticness of the smoothie? That's one thing I have noticed, having one kidney- I get thirsty more often. I can't overdo the hydration- I mean, I have to be careful not to overdo the hydration, but the coffee is a diuretic, so I only have 2 cups at most.

Anything else worthless you need to know? I have underwear on today.

Okay. Here I go. As Chelle says, I'm off like a prom dress.
XOX

Funniest blog ever!

My new favorite blog: http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com/

Stop reading this and go read that right now. Pick a post, any post. He's one funny guy! Enjoy. You can pay me later.

I've got a grip

I realized what it was that made me feel badly yesterday about my talk with Barb. It was when she mentioned that the meds are "so good" now that her friend received a kidney from someone they were incompatible with....it made me feel like I was "suposed" to check with everyone I know to see if anyone needed it first, before just "jumping in" and donating to a "complete stranger". THAT'S what bothered me.

In the end, there is nothing wrong with my decision- I know that. I have always said that it would be harder for me to donate to someone I know, and that is still true, but when I see me from Barb's perspective...or what I PERCEIVE to be her perspective (tricky, tricky!)- I think to myself "Man, that chance came awfully close, which I would have known and would have had a chance..." But again- that is ME putting that on her, which may not be true, and even if it is, like one of my friends reminded me...we pass by people every day who have cancer, kidney disease or what have you and we are not aware of it. I will only make myself crazy if I focus on that.

I can, however, focus on awareness. People can be made aware of what is possible.

The other thing that hit me as I was crying my way home from work yesterday is this..well, I'll have to take you along for the Crazy Ride Into My Head. Buckle up, you've been warned. MFVP said yesterday, after I said "I am so impressed by those other 4 donors who were willing to donate to someone they didn't know once their family member or friend was matched!" and he said "well, yeah...but it takes someone to push them over the edge." And that resonated with me because THAT is what I feel like I spend time doing. Doing things that "most normal" people don't want to or don't "think" they CAN do. Shaving my head- I'm a GIRL. I will never forget my brother in law telling me that I CAN'T do that because I'm FEMALE. LIKE HELL I CAN'T! I can, and I will, and I did. BITE ME.
Anyway, then I felt sad because I felt like I've reached the limit on being able to be effective for something- which I KNOW is UNTRUE. I know that, but I felt suddenly like I reached the max for being able to do SOMETHING that makes a difference. This is where the A HA! moment comes in...

EVERYTHING makes a difference. EVERYTHING! The food drives, the breakfast for homeless people, blood drives for birthday parties. it ALL counts. It ALL leaves a mark, it ALL makes waves...paying for the person's lunch behind me secretly...it ALL COUNTS. ALL OF IT. ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
So I don't need to feel badly. At all. I still have the power to make something better for someone.
Probably sounds like a DUH thing, but it made me feel better. Yes, I just wasted 2 minutes of your time to tell you that.

My bad. :D

: (

There is a woman here named Barb. She has been on dialysis for almost 5 years. It isn't good. Today she has a big bandage on her arm.
It's the first time I've seen her since I've been back to work, and she was very excited to talk to me. Told me how much hope it gave her when she saw the news and read the paper, and how she and her transplant dr talked about it and how blown away she was when she found out it was me.
Her daugher was going to donate to her. Her daughter got cancer.

I didn't know. I didn't know she needed a kidney. I didn't know she's been on the list for that long. I didn't know. I wish I had more kidney's. I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I feel seeing her all bandaged up, knowing what life is like for her. I didn't know! I didn't know! I didn't know!!!!! I didn't know!!!! I didn't know she needed one. I don't know...how can people see her every day and not want to help? Say hi to her and walk by? I'm falling apart. Why doesn't anyone want to help????

That's probably not the right attitude. People have a right to keep their own two kidney's. But I'm standing here, jumping around, I feel fine, I'm all healed up, surgery was fine. Isn't there anyone else here brave enough? She's just sitting there, waiting....

Then I look at Phil, whom I love. I adore him! And he needs a pancreas. I can NOT stand knowing this. I can't stand knowing it and not being able to do anything. I probably CAN actually donate my pancreas. I swear they do them...and they do. Partial pancreas. NO, I'm not really going to do it. I'd seriously consider it if he gets really sick though.

Okay, I need to go find my happy place again.

Annddd...here we are.

Guess what?
Donating a kidney did not kill my urge to DO SOMETHING.
I was warned by friends and family to be prepared to not feel "satisfied"--- as in "okay, that was good, I will focus on something else now" way.
Nope.
Every day that little need grows bigger and bigger, the one that says DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING! PICK! THERE'S A MILLION THINGS TO PICK FROM! PICK ONE! DO IT! NOW!

The thing is ...Cullen is ready to participate more fully in whatever we do next. And he's got some great ideas. We gotta find one and DO IT. There are just too many people/children/animals/trees that need love and attention to stay in this little bubble where I make everything in my life A Big Deal. There are MUCH bigger deals out there. And I want to touch them and love them.

The good news is...there is no let down feeling at all. No, in fact, I feel happy and more hopeful than ever for the world.
YAY.

AND!

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...showing my appreciation. Cullen applied for like 4 jobs last night and 2 have called today. : )

I'm not saying that WHHHEEEEE, he has a job already, or that he'll be hired at ANY of the jobs that he applied for, but I'm saying that I feel very hopeful that my darling is going ot have a new 1st shift position going on really soon!

He is very interested in all 4 of the positions he applied for. There's plenty of work to be had for physical laborers, apparently. And it helps when you know how to install inground pools, and be a jack of all trades ---that was the job description for one of the jobs. *I* think it's the perfect job for him, but we'll see what shakes out.

YAY CULLEN!!! WHOOO HOOOO!!! Whichever job gets him is SO lucky!

The World Has Gone Crazy. And it's only 9am.

My head is dizzy already.

First of all, the mundane: I slept without vicodin, hardcore, last night. I didn't hear Jordan come in to the room any of the 4 times that he did. I woke up, sore but well slept. YAY.

I left my phone at work last night, which means I couldn't log into work this morning. It's Cullen's bday and he took the day off, funny enough, which means that I could RUSH RUSH and come into work. That's fine, but you know how it is when you aren't planning something, and BAM, you have to move to PLAN B pronto? That's the frame of mind I was in when I got here.

Then I got a call from a coworker who needs somewhere to bring his kid, and funny enough, Cullen's at home. Told him to call him- but Cullen is not really at home, he's bringing the kids to daycare (to pay her and tell her they aren't coming anymore because we can't afford it. I seriously don't know how people pay out their asses for daycare/preschool. That's insane. We save a mortgage payment practically by them not going!!!!) I honestly have NO IDEA what we are going to do for daycare when I have to be in the office, unless I can start paying mom and dad a little something. Anyway- so he's freaking out because he got R's message and feels like he should be helping him.
THEN right after that, bil calls, freaking out about his house. What I take from the conversation is that he may or may not need help cleaning the house that is for sale, he isn't sure, but he feels like there's so much going on and he's...freaking. I am to not do anything with all the info he called and purged, and maybe we'll help him on Sunday.
But all of this happened in a 15 minute time span and I find myself trying to reel my mind back into my own head.

Last night I finally got to cry about Rose leaving. I am honestly heartbroken. It felt good to cry it out. I was nervous that I'd never stop crying but eventually i did. This weekend will be a different story. Rose and kids are coming to mom's tonight.

Okay. 9:14am. I am going to reclaim my day. Right NOW!

Alcohol/I'm Sorry

I know I've posted it before but it's still true: I don't understand Alcoholism.

What I do understand is that you don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic, but you have alcoholism if you can't control how much you drink. If you black out when you drink...if you "need" to have a drink...if you can't sleep when you don't drink...these things are real and they matter.

An "I'm sorry" the next day does NOT make it better. However, I guess I can appreciate knowing that there is remorse in some form...but it doesn't make the things that were said any better, and it doesn't help the irritation of knowing that it's only a matter of time before we get to go through it again.

Now, I'm "lucky" in the way that I don't have to deal with it every day. Anymore. There was a time when I packed up to leave because I was so tired of it. And if it ever gets that bad again, I'm outta here. I don't have the time, energy or patience for someone to be alcohol's bitch. And I don't have the patience for the drunken driving and endangering my children, other people's children or the person whose drinking's life. That's the most horribly irresponsible thing in the whole universe.
AND, I'm sad to say, I'm finding myself judging here. I find it a little bit sad and weak, that people can't "control" themselves or are not strong enough to just NOT DRINK. Right? Judgemental much? I'm not an alcoholic though so what do I know? I don't smoke. I regularly go days on purpose without coffee. I don't know what it feels like to need an escape so badly that I have to have drinks and get myself in a certain state. I should not judge what I don't understand, but it's hard.

Especially when I'm the one who catches it when he has too much to drink.

Again- he doesn't get like this every day, so that's a good thing. And USUALLY he doesn't attempt driving when he does. I know some people drive as part of the deal because they are out drinking, or think nothing of driving after drinking. Cullen's had 2 times (that I'm aware of) of drinking and driving in recent months...and only ONE of those times did he actually drive. It is gross to me. The way the eyes get glassy and can't focus...the tone of voice he takes....how he can't remember where he was sleeping and goes elsewhere if he gets up to pee.

THANK GOD it isn't all the time. I don't have the time or energy for that. He can choose his family or he can choose alcohol.

I just don't get it.

Anyway, today was a great day. AWESOME day. And it's going to be a great night! And I'm HUNGRY!!! YAY!

Redemption

Last night was an amazing night. I was completely wiped out, but Cullen came home and took over the cooking and cleaning, he served all 100 people that were here, he kept the kids outside, he threw water balloons at them, he WAS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES CLEANING THE KITCHEN FLOOR...he was INCREDIBLE! He made it so that I could enjoy CJ's party, from afar. Like inside, on the couch. : ) I am SO thankful. And he didn't drink, of course.
I was so wiped out that we didn't discuss anything, and by the end of the night, I didn't even want to anymore. There are things that we will need to discuss at some point, but for now...we're good!

I feel awesome today. I slept so good (on the couch). I kinda like the couch. Cullen has finally found how to sleep on it with me so he's comfy and he snuggles soooo good all night long. I wake up feeling thoroughly snuggled every morning. It's pretty awesome.

I'm ready for the day! I am going to create an awesome day. And tonight, we are going to have a quiet night at home (A, if you read this, I will email you when I get to work. Can't wait to see you, but it won't be tonight!). We are going to sit, quietly, and look at jobs.

AND, even MORE exciting than a quiet night at home, is this: I'm going to poop. YAY ME! I KNEW it was a special day!

Hercules

I am strong.
I got all 4 kids ready, fed, me ready and out the door.
I'm at work.
It's BUSY.

That's okay.

It's CJ's bday, and there's a lil party after work. Which is why I HAVE to be okay today. My baby deserves that much.

So I'm mentally drained.

Last night wasn't good. Oh no, it wasn't. My darling hubby "accidentally" had too many drinks and he's not a good drunk. No, I am so plenty sick and tired of the rude, derogatory comments he makes when he's drunk. So now he's in suck up mode, which is almost as irritating.

Mentally drained.

My older sister, whom I love dearly, who just worked her ass off to up and move to MN, thus completing our family.... is moving back to Arkansas. I'm devastated, frustrated, sad and confused for her, and for us.

I am so fucking tired.

I am tired of sitting upright.

I have total control over my thoughts and reactions. I am the creative one in all this. I have, at the least, co created every situation around me.

But I feel tired.

I need to find Cullen a job.

I need to get ready to be done with here.

I just screwed something else up at work. I swear to you, the gas made my head HOLEY.

I need to breathe and relax and know that everything is okay. I have all week to complete the things on my list. I need to trust that what is happening with Rose is actually happening in everyone's best interest somehow. I need to have another discussion with Cullen about the affect the things he says has on me when he's drinking and how it isn't that easy to just flip the sober switch and let it all go the next day when he's sorry.

I've almost made it....

It's that time.

1. Sneezing multiple times doesn't hurt anymore but it feels weird.
2. My appt was awesome today. My blood pressure is back down to it's usual "barely alive" status.
3. I have lost 6 pounds- I'm sure it's muscle mass melting away into nothingness, but still. I'll say it was the kidney. HAH!

It's nasty hot and humid and melty. Usually I don't mind summer too much. This year I do. And all the fall catalogs are coming out. I'm starting to dream of fall, the cooler weather, the leaves turning, the smells, the feeling. It's coming soon enough, I know, but boy...that first fire in the fireplace, the windows being open all day....
that being said, CJ and Chuckie just came in, and they smell heavenly. They smell like clean fresh air. They are both very sweaty.

Today when I went to the U by myself, I parked in the wrong ramp which added a couple of blocks to my walk. That was fine. Got there, had my appt, and left, and couldn't find the ramp. Great. That added a couple more blocks. I got a DQ to comfort myself. Then I did find it (and I felt very accomplished but was wearing down) and to my dismay, the elevator was on the other side. So...I climbed 4 flights of stairs. It all sounds like nothing, but man, I hit the wall after all that. I was whiny and cry-y right til I fell asleep at 4. I got up at 4:30 to clean up so Cullen wouldn't freak and start dinner. He came home and took over (BLESS HIM!), Mom dropped off some friendship bread, and I'm parked on the couch again.

Tomorrow my first baby turns 9 years old.
My sweet, sweet first baby.....I will never forget rocking him in the middle of the night when he was 3 months old, and knowing beyond anything that I KNOW HIM. I know him, know and recognize his soul. I miss baby CJ. I feel sad about every single time I've been frustrated by him, gotten loud with him, impatient with him. I love him to pieces. In fact, I'm done talking to you about him so I can tickle his back.

I will not be upset that some of my whites are now blues..

Because my darling husband has been trying hard to keep up with laundry. He was so proud that all of it was washed (none folded or hung or put away). The last load he washed...turned anything pink or white grey or blue. : ( I almost had tears, but I'm resisting. They are only clothes. It was only my TRUST YOUR JOURNEY and LOVE CURES PEOPLE tshirts. Material things. They aren't WRECKED, they are now just...funky colors. They were my only 2 pink shirts, proving that I am not fit to wear PINK. I guess.

SIGH.

On a happier note, my friend at the U of MN thought of me today and asked if I'd like a dvd of my surgery. I'm not sure if it's the whole thing, the actual thing, or just parts of it for media use. She is also sending me extras for the kids, which I thought was very, very nice of her to do. Can't wait to see them!

I have an appt at the transplant clinic today, to check on my butt kicking incisions. I can't wait to show them off. HA!

Tomorrow I am back in the office as normal, and it is going to be fun. And Good to get back into the FULL swing of things.

For now though, I have 15 loads of laundry to re-dry (unwrinkle), hang up, fold, put away. Good exercise, right?