STRUGGLING!!!

Today, I am struggling.

Would I be strugging so much if I hadn't forgotten to punch out for my ride into work? NO. I would not. I am struggling because I didn't want to tell JJ or ask him to "fix" my timecard, so instead, when I realized it, I punched out for a half hour. The problem with this is that he requires me to share with him whenever I "leave" or "punch out" *unexpectedly* so I sent him an email, punched out, and came back. He's still in a meeting, so i still have to wait for him to read the email, shake his head and roll his eyes and my inability to something so "simple" and then make a note of it for my file.

So I'm struggling.

The day started out glorious, and it can still return to glorious. On our way to work, my favorite pastor at the church I don't go to, was with his group on the corner telling everyone good morning and handing out waters. GOD BLESS THEM. It made me want to do something good for someone else.

Then I remembered I didn't punch out.

And now, I sit, scared of JJ, mad that I'm scared of him, irritated by his opinion of me and the fact that I still have to wait til Tuesday to put in my notice. I want to tell him that the things that I am REALLY GOOD AT are being a mom, teaching my children, and helping other people. And that he's not a good manager, he's terribly impersonal, and in such a tiny department that seperation of "power" feels even bigger. But none of it matters. "If they are in your life, love them." I'm suposed to assume that he is doing the very best that he can, the very best that he knows how and treat him with respect. But sometimes it's hard- I know that *I* am in control of my feelings. *I* somehow allow him to affect me this way. WHY? It's because I want to please. I want him to be happy with me. But he isn't. Ever.

I printed out my list of tasks. I asked Angie if she wanted a look so she could pick the things that she'll want to do. That was mean. I know she is so very, very sad about me leaving. I am going to miss her terribly, seeing her every day.

I don't know why I'm struggling today! I could go outside and cry. Isn't that stupid? Over WHAT?! I have no idea. I think it's just from being slowly suffocated. Only til Tuesday. Then they'll know I will be able to breathe again.

SOON.