First of all, I just got the info about the April thing for the National Kidney Foundation. We might all (the chain) be participating. I'll know more shortly, and HOW FUN!!! Stinkin AWESOME!!!!
Next- and this one is important, so please pay very close attention:
If a man is able to detach (from, take your pick...me, you, family, life, self, whatever)....and he's acting a little bit like a dink....
Does this make him a detach-able penis?
I think it does. Yes, yes, it does indeed!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Great!
Both babies are asleep and I owe God $100. He wont' take the money, it's still sitting on the counter.
And there's a nearly dead mousie by the door.
With some cheese it didn't want to eat.
I need to throw it away, clearly.
I feel horrible for killing it with decon.
I haven't had lunch.
It's so cute, and I just feel bad.
How do I just throw away a little furry thing?
And there's a nearly dead mousie by the door.
With some cheese it didn't want to eat.
I need to throw it away, clearly.
I feel horrible for killing it with decon.
I haven't had lunch.
It's so cute, and I just feel bad.
How do I just throw away a little furry thing?
Dear God,
Dear God,
it isn't often that I ask for much. Usually I am fully aware that I can have whatever I want and I just need to take steps to get it. I'm not much for feeling like a helpless victim, so I don't think I beg and plead with you often for things. Can we agree on that?
Very well.
I have 2 babies here who are struggling to sleep. One of them hasn't sleep at all today. He's been up for over 4 hours. I know he's tired. He's fed. He ate 6 oz of a bottle and another 2 oz of food. He is not hungry. He wanted MORE and whined for a minute when I was done so I'm sure he isn't over fed. He's okay if he's not laying down. Whining, and clearly tired, rubbing eyes, but not screaming like he does when I lay him down.
Then, my little princess, who DID sleep for me earlier, is struggling even more. She's crying no matter what I do. That's why I'm here. I don't know what else to do for her. She is NOT tired and she has shown me that if I over feed her, she'll puke it up. She's had real food also, on top of her bottle.
So here I am. I'm asking you nicely to help me out here. I've had 4 children. This is not the first time I've heard babies cry. But I feel a little bit lost, a little bit alone and a little bit like I'd pay someone to get them to go to sleep. $50? Is that enough for you, God? Would $50 get angels to whisper softly in their ears and soothe whatever it is that is getting them? Would $100 get their gums to stop hurting? I have the cash, it's right here. Work your magic and I'll hook you up.
You're the best.
Love,
me
(one down...how much will it take to get A to go to sleep?????)
it isn't often that I ask for much. Usually I am fully aware that I can have whatever I want and I just need to take steps to get it. I'm not much for feeling like a helpless victim, so I don't think I beg and plead with you often for things. Can we agree on that?
Very well.
I have 2 babies here who are struggling to sleep. One of them hasn't sleep at all today. He's been up for over 4 hours. I know he's tired. He's fed. He ate 6 oz of a bottle and another 2 oz of food. He is not hungry. He wanted MORE and whined for a minute when I was done so I'm sure he isn't over fed. He's okay if he's not laying down. Whining, and clearly tired, rubbing eyes, but not screaming like he does when I lay him down.
Then, my little princess, who DID sleep for me earlier, is struggling even more. She's crying no matter what I do. That's why I'm here. I don't know what else to do for her. She is NOT tired and she has shown me that if I over feed her, she'll puke it up. She's had real food also, on top of her bottle.
So here I am. I'm asking you nicely to help me out here. I've had 4 children. This is not the first time I've heard babies cry. But I feel a little bit lost, a little bit alone and a little bit like I'd pay someone to get them to go to sleep. $50? Is that enough for you, God? Would $50 get angels to whisper softly in their ears and soothe whatever it is that is getting them? Would $100 get their gums to stop hurting? I have the cash, it's right here. Work your magic and I'll hook you up.
You're the best.
Love,
me
(one down...how much will it take to get A to go to sleep?????)
Fast friends
Here is the whole chain, again, so you can see who's who and who came to play. I have de ja vu. Did I already do this? I did, but here it is again. Memorize it, dammit. HA.
Me/Cullen
I donated to Shannon- NOT AT LUNCH
Shannon's sister Sheila donated to Mark -HE WAS THERE!
Marks friend Ann (SHE WAS THERE!) donated to Pricilla (not there!)
Pricilla's son in law John donated to Ron (neither were there)
Ron's niece Heather (SHE WAS THERE!) donated to Matt (HE WAS THERE!)
So, here is your run down on Who They Are, because I know you're dying to know. :D You should be, you know.
Mark- at the last meeting he was clearly in pain, uncomfortable and not doing so well, NOT kidney transplant related. But I'd felt bad for Sheila, because it was difficult to have a conversation with him when he wasn't feeling that well. I'm happy that I had a good report for her yesterday. He's a psychologist or psychiatrist, I can't recall which, and he looks the part. Except for his eyes. What is it about his eyes? He has very, very youthful eyes, and he SOOOOO MUCH reminds me of someone. Who is it, who is it....whoever it is is a girl, and she has the exact same mannerisms as he does. His eyes are VERY expressive. His numbers are good and he's down to visiting once a month with the kidney doctor, feeling much better. He has some other health issues going on, but it sounds like, and appeared that everything is pretty darned good right now. He's soft spoken, but well spoken.
Ann, his friend, reminds me so much of Cullen's aunt Paula. It's in the face- the soft, sweet eyes. She has a very sweet, kind energy around her. She has short brown hair, longer in front, and glasses. She's insanely smart, I get the feeling (and it's not because of the specs), and very intuned to people. She's married to Gus, a massage therapist (out of her home, Pooks!) and she's in school to become a (correct me, I'm going to butcher this) bio-energy therapist! How freakin COOL is that! I told her that I want to know everything she learns, even though I MUST know some of it already. She said it's way intense, and involves learning how to manipulate energy. And of course, EVERYTHING is made of energy. I move the clouds already (should I go for day two and see if can get us some sunshine???). I want to know what she learns! She has 2 kids, 14 and 17 and says that teenagers can be plenty of fun. She's very calming.
Heather is a HOOT. She describes herself as "as shallow as a teaspoon"- "but not in a bad way". HAH! She just takes things at face value and isn't deep thinking- until now. She's a nurse, and she's doing research right now, and one of the research groups was on renal patients. She was floored by the number of people who hadn't heard about the paired exchange program (because it's still in it's infancy here). So she's been flappin her mouth to anyone who will listen about how easy the surgery is for donors and how important it is to at the very least be an organ donor when you're done using your body. She speaks in exclamations, and says whatever comes to mind without much thought. I love her! She ordered a wine saying "there ain't nothin wrong with my liver!" and when Matt, who she donated to, said to Mark at one time "didn't you ask straight out of surgery about drinking beer?" the table erupted and Heather said "That's why we're a match!" So funny! She just moved home to MN with her 6 and 9 year old to be with her previous high school sweet heart. She has long, dark brown curly hair that she keeps pulled back mostly. A long, oval expressive face. She loves coach purses, shoes, makeup and all the girlie things that have somehow passed by me. She's a little petite thing and loves to run.
Kidney Matt- another hoot! He's tall, and sturdy looking. He has blonde hair, and a fantastic sense of humor. He wants very much to stay in touch with everyone, but hasn't joined facebook yet because it's a passing fad and won't last. ;) He is married to Sommer, who has red hair and brown eyes and I think she's so pretty, and they have 3 kids, 3 and under. He barely avoided dialysis. His numbers are coming down nicely, but he's still going in every 2 weeks. He wasn't sure why, and is going to find out. He is participating in a study for one of the anti rejection drugs, and it's making his hair fall out so he is getting off of it. He feels so good and normal that he has to set a pill alarm to remind him to take his pills, and he says that over and over again, the alarm will go off and he'll be all the way to work and have to turn around to get them. He means to put some in his car so he won't have to go home, but hasn't remembered to do that yet either.
He says "I'll do it when I go home!" deadpan and made me laugh.
Heather brought her boyfriend Matt also. He has 2 kids, 11 (and autistic, pretty severely...well, I'm not sure of the scale, but he functions at the level of a 6 year old, he said) and a 23 year old. Yes, I said that. Matt is all of 37. The 23 year old came along with Matt's first wife, and even after the divorce Matt was Dad, so he has continued to be. Don't you love that about him already? They have a pool and we all have plans to crash their place in the summer, along with Matt and Sommer's.
We got to hear some of the backstories to the surgeries and see the bigger picture- what was really going on while I was on here blogging about being so impatient. That's the amazing part, to see how everything happened PERFECTLY, just as it should. Mark had another donor who fell through after a month of testing. Heather's uncle had a donor, and that was The Donor Who Backed Out. Remember the Very Important Meeting they had with me the day before surgery? Telling me someone backed out and giving me a whole bunch of different scenarios? You almost couldn't breathe in that room, there was so much tension. And all I could think of was Shannon, and how this huge decision was laying in my hands. I could say RE DO! It made me sick. And then when they mentioned that there was a possibility that there were other people who would fit into the chain, and it would actually get one more person a kidney- well....giddyup.
Anyway- we swapped stories about the roommates we had in the hospital, and laughed about Heather going home with a cath- she tried to pee at the hospital, but just when it was about to happen the tornado sirens went off, and they were pounding on the bathroom door for her to get out into the hallway, and scared the pee pee away.
It's magic.
Me/Cullen
I donated to Shannon- NOT AT LUNCH
Shannon's sister Sheila donated to Mark -HE WAS THERE!
Marks friend Ann (SHE WAS THERE!) donated to Pricilla (not there!)
Pricilla's son in law John donated to Ron (neither were there)
Ron's niece Heather (SHE WAS THERE!) donated to Matt (HE WAS THERE!)
So, here is your run down on Who They Are, because I know you're dying to know. :D You should be, you know.
Mark- at the last meeting he was clearly in pain, uncomfortable and not doing so well, NOT kidney transplant related. But I'd felt bad for Sheila, because it was difficult to have a conversation with him when he wasn't feeling that well. I'm happy that I had a good report for her yesterday. He's a psychologist or psychiatrist, I can't recall which, and he looks the part. Except for his eyes. What is it about his eyes? He has very, very youthful eyes, and he SOOOOO MUCH reminds me of someone. Who is it, who is it....whoever it is is a girl, and she has the exact same mannerisms as he does. His eyes are VERY expressive. His numbers are good and he's down to visiting once a month with the kidney doctor, feeling much better. He has some other health issues going on, but it sounds like, and appeared that everything is pretty darned good right now. He's soft spoken, but well spoken.
Ann, his friend, reminds me so much of Cullen's aunt Paula. It's in the face- the soft, sweet eyes. She has a very sweet, kind energy around her. She has short brown hair, longer in front, and glasses. She's insanely smart, I get the feeling (and it's not because of the specs), and very intuned to people. She's married to Gus, a massage therapist (out of her home, Pooks!) and she's in school to become a (correct me, I'm going to butcher this) bio-energy therapist! How freakin COOL is that! I told her that I want to know everything she learns, even though I MUST know some of it already. She said it's way intense, and involves learning how to manipulate energy. And of course, EVERYTHING is made of energy. I move the clouds already (should I go for day two and see if can get us some sunshine???). I want to know what she learns! She has 2 kids, 14 and 17 and says that teenagers can be plenty of fun. She's very calming.
Heather is a HOOT. She describes herself as "as shallow as a teaspoon"- "but not in a bad way". HAH! She just takes things at face value and isn't deep thinking- until now. She's a nurse, and she's doing research right now, and one of the research groups was on renal patients. She was floored by the number of people who hadn't heard about the paired exchange program (because it's still in it's infancy here). So she's been flappin her mouth to anyone who will listen about how easy the surgery is for donors and how important it is to at the very least be an organ donor when you're done using your body. She speaks in exclamations, and says whatever comes to mind without much thought. I love her! She ordered a wine saying "there ain't nothin wrong with my liver!" and when Matt, who she donated to, said to Mark at one time "didn't you ask straight out of surgery about drinking beer?" the table erupted and Heather said "That's why we're a match!" So funny! She just moved home to MN with her 6 and 9 year old to be with her previous high school sweet heart. She has long, dark brown curly hair that she keeps pulled back mostly. A long, oval expressive face. She loves coach purses, shoes, makeup and all the girlie things that have somehow passed by me. She's a little petite thing and loves to run.
Kidney Matt- another hoot! He's tall, and sturdy looking. He has blonde hair, and a fantastic sense of humor. He wants very much to stay in touch with everyone, but hasn't joined facebook yet because it's a passing fad and won't last. ;) He is married to Sommer, who has red hair and brown eyes and I think she's so pretty, and they have 3 kids, 3 and under. He barely avoided dialysis. His numbers are coming down nicely, but he's still going in every 2 weeks. He wasn't sure why, and is going to find out. He is participating in a study for one of the anti rejection drugs, and it's making his hair fall out so he is getting off of it. He feels so good and normal that he has to set a pill alarm to remind him to take his pills, and he says that over and over again, the alarm will go off and he'll be all the way to work and have to turn around to get them. He means to put some in his car so he won't have to go home, but hasn't remembered to do that yet either.
He says "I'll do it when I go home!" deadpan and made me laugh.
Heather brought her boyfriend Matt also. He has 2 kids, 11 (and autistic, pretty severely...well, I'm not sure of the scale, but he functions at the level of a 6 year old, he said) and a 23 year old. Yes, I said that. Matt is all of 37. The 23 year old came along with Matt's first wife, and even after the divorce Matt was Dad, so he has continued to be. Don't you love that about him already? They have a pool and we all have plans to crash their place in the summer, along with Matt and Sommer's.
We got to hear some of the backstories to the surgeries and see the bigger picture- what was really going on while I was on here blogging about being so impatient. That's the amazing part, to see how everything happened PERFECTLY, just as it should. Mark had another donor who fell through after a month of testing. Heather's uncle had a donor, and that was The Donor Who Backed Out. Remember the Very Important Meeting they had with me the day before surgery? Telling me someone backed out and giving me a whole bunch of different scenarios? You almost couldn't breathe in that room, there was so much tension. And all I could think of was Shannon, and how this huge decision was laying in my hands. I could say RE DO! It made me sick. And then when they mentioned that there was a possibility that there were other people who would fit into the chain, and it would actually get one more person a kidney- well....giddyup.
Anyway- we swapped stories about the roommates we had in the hospital, and laughed about Heather going home with a cath- she tried to pee at the hospital, but just when it was about to happen the tornado sirens went off, and they were pounding on the bathroom door for her to get out into the hallway, and scared the pee pee away.
It's magic.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Your Life Is Now
See the moon roll across the stars
See the seasons turn like a heart
Your father's days are lost to you
This is your time here to do what you will do
Your life is now your life is now your life is now
In this undiscovered moment
Lift your head up above the crowd
We could shake this world
If you would only show us how
Your life is now
Would you teach your children to tell the truth
Would you take the high road if you could choose
Do you believe you're a victim of a great compromise
'Cause I believe you could change your mind and change our lives
Your life is now, your life is now, your life is now
In this undiscovered moment
Life your head up above the crowd
We could shake this world
If you would only show us how
Your life is now
Would you teach your children to tell the truth
This is your time here to do what you will do
Your life is now
See the seasons turn like a heart
Your father's days are lost to you
This is your time here to do what you will do
Your life is now your life is now your life is now
In this undiscovered moment
Lift your head up above the crowd
We could shake this world
If you would only show us how
Your life is now
Would you teach your children to tell the truth
Would you take the high road if you could choose
Do you believe you're a victim of a great compromise
'Cause I believe you could change your mind and change our lives
Your life is now, your life is now, your life is now
In this undiscovered moment
Life your head up above the crowd
We could shake this world
If you would only show us how
Your life is now
Would you teach your children to tell the truth
This is your time here to do what you will do
Your life is now
Snowfall
Okay. My first reaction is "F*CK! NOT MORE SNOW! NO! I NEED THE SUNSHINE! I'M DYING HERE! We're ALL DYING HERE!"
However, since my magicness can't move an entire system (because I think it can't), I need to fix how I'm thinking about it. I need to love the snow because then it will be pretty.
Yesterday I tried to get spring to come out by lighting my spring candles. I think I just need to go with the winter ones.
We'll light some winter smelling candles. I'll make the 5 kids hot chocolate, and...what? What else will help? OOOH I'll put on my favorite music. It'll be snuggle day.
Just so you know, nothing I do will reach me deep down. I'm dying for some sunshine, plain and simple.
However, since my magicness can't move an entire system (because I think it can't), I need to fix how I'm thinking about it. I need to love the snow because then it will be pretty.
Yesterday I tried to get spring to come out by lighting my spring candles. I think I just need to go with the winter ones.
We'll light some winter smelling candles. I'll make the 5 kids hot chocolate, and...what? What else will help? OOOH I'll put on my favorite music. It'll be snuggle day.
Just so you know, nothing I do will reach me deep down. I'm dying for some sunshine, plain and simple.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Trees, crickets and dreams, oh my!
This was my note from the Universe yesterday:
Did you know that here, Nicki, in the unseen and in worlds far removed from your own, trees actually have personalities as strong and distinct as your own?
True... it's the same where you are, but no one would ever believe it.
Timber...
The Universe
I don't know why my font is in BOLD. I also don't know why that little note almost made me cry, except maybe that's what we feel when...I don't know. I feel it all the time. I love being surrounded by trees. It's like almost being able to hear them talk. The energy in those places, like nature centers, or wildlife refuges or forests....it must be true. And of course it's true- trees are MIRACLES. They keep us alive with oxygen, created perfectly so that they live from us and we live from them. But we treat them horribly, don't we?
It made me cry when Bev had a tree cut down because she was tired of raking leaves. A perfectly good, old, beautiful, fully grown tree. It was so sad. I have a tree that is being killed or else it's already dead in the back yard, and it makes me sad to see it. :( Oh, how we beat the hell out of the world.
We were on our way home from buying crickets to feed Leo the Lizard (lizard daycare while Tayler is in Mexico) and Willow and Cullen says "Are the crickets any less than the trees?" and by then I was already crying (WHY does my reaction to anything that I feel deeply have to be to CRY?), and of COURSE the crickets are no less than the trees. My poor little crickets are scared out of their minds in the plastic bag, and they are scared to death and avoid Willow in the cage, and they try to stay as still as possible when in front of the lizard. They know, and it's sad and I feel bad, but I will still feed them to the animals. :(
I also remembered how to meditate, finally. I don't know what my problem was but it's gone now. All I have to do is FEEL. I was focusing so much on clearing my mind, when all I need to do is FEEL and it will clear automatically.
I need to poop. YAY FOR ME!!!
But first- I had SUCH a good dream this morning right before I woke up. We were all (I mean, my parents, Cullen, no kids, but family and friends) were at JLA's cabin. I got to see my maternal grandpa, too, as a young person, which was AWESOMELY fun. I watched him chase kids around...the kids would run into the pond, thinking that would stop him since he's fully dressed, but it didn't. I loved seeing his smile again, and his youth. I was making out with Cullen- this is the important part, because never once in a million years of being with him, have I ever EVER made out with him in a dream....and it was barely making out with him. It was more like I was sitting on his lap like a magnet was on him, and I did NOT want to move. You know that feeling....Like you just don't care, you are not moving, come hell or high water, everything you've ever needed is right there and you're NOT MOVING. My mom ...HAHAHAH! Stupid dreams. My mom was in the car waiting for me, and she came in to flash the hallway light (this was what she used to do for Michelle and I to tell us to hurry the hell up) to let me know to hurry up. We were going to buy marichino (SP!!!) cherries.
Don't know. But I woke up missing Cullen. WHO, BTW, got up with the kids this morning and gave me my thyroid medicine while I was out of it and let me sleep. He had to leave for work at 8:30 this morning, and I woke up at 8:45 (didn't want to...Jordan crying, CJ getting frustrated) (I NEVER sleep that late!!!) (I WAS up with a coughing Jordan from 4am-5am), and the coffee was made. YAY!!! I got to sleep in! The kids were FED even when I woke up. WHOOO HOOOO!!!
I think I love today.
Did you know that here, Nicki, in the unseen and in worlds far removed from your own, trees actually have personalities as strong and distinct as your own?
True... it's the same where you are, but no one would ever believe it.
Timber...
The Universe
I don't know why my font is in BOLD. I also don't know why that little note almost made me cry, except maybe that's what we feel when...I don't know. I feel it all the time. I love being surrounded by trees. It's like almost being able to hear them talk. The energy in those places, like nature centers, or wildlife refuges or forests....it must be true. And of course it's true- trees are MIRACLES. They keep us alive with oxygen, created perfectly so that they live from us and we live from them. But we treat them horribly, don't we?
It made me cry when Bev had a tree cut down because she was tired of raking leaves. A perfectly good, old, beautiful, fully grown tree. It was so sad. I have a tree that is being killed or else it's already dead in the back yard, and it makes me sad to see it. :( Oh, how we beat the hell out of the world.
We were on our way home from buying crickets to feed Leo the Lizard (lizard daycare while Tayler is in Mexico) and Willow and Cullen says "Are the crickets any less than the trees?" and by then I was already crying (WHY does my reaction to anything that I feel deeply have to be to CRY?), and of COURSE the crickets are no less than the trees. My poor little crickets are scared out of their minds in the plastic bag, and they are scared to death and avoid Willow in the cage, and they try to stay as still as possible when in front of the lizard. They know, and it's sad and I feel bad, but I will still feed them to the animals. :(
I also remembered how to meditate, finally. I don't know what my problem was but it's gone now. All I have to do is FEEL. I was focusing so much on clearing my mind, when all I need to do is FEEL and it will clear automatically.
I need to poop. YAY FOR ME!!!
But first- I had SUCH a good dream this morning right before I woke up. We were all (I mean, my parents, Cullen, no kids, but family and friends) were at JLA's cabin. I got to see my maternal grandpa, too, as a young person, which was AWESOMELY fun. I watched him chase kids around...the kids would run into the pond, thinking that would stop him since he's fully dressed, but it didn't. I loved seeing his smile again, and his youth. I was making out with Cullen- this is the important part, because never once in a million years of being with him, have I ever EVER made out with him in a dream....and it was barely making out with him. It was more like I was sitting on his lap like a magnet was on him, and I did NOT want to move. You know that feeling....Like you just don't care, you are not moving, come hell or high water, everything you've ever needed is right there and you're NOT MOVING. My mom ...HAHAHAH! Stupid dreams. My mom was in the car waiting for me, and she came in to flash the hallway light (this was what she used to do for Michelle and I to tell us to hurry the hell up) to let me know to hurry up. We were going to buy marichino (SP!!!) cherries.
Don't know. But I woke up missing Cullen. WHO, BTW, got up with the kids this morning and gave me my thyroid medicine while I was out of it and let me sleep. He had to leave for work at 8:30 this morning, and I woke up at 8:45 (didn't want to...Jordan crying, CJ getting frustrated) (I NEVER sleep that late!!!) (I WAS up with a coughing Jordan from 4am-5am), and the coffee was made. YAY!!! I got to sleep in! The kids were FED even when I woke up. WHOOO HOOOO!!!
I think I love today.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Kidney day
It was our 6 month post op kidney testing day for the ALTOLD study (long term outcome of living donation). This is awesome for so many reasons....to start with, the obvious- they pay us. :) They are paying us and we get more detailed information than anyone else gets. AWESOME! If anything were to ever not be right, we'll know first, and before it gets to be a big problem. NOT that anything is going to go wrong, but no one gets to see the damage they are inflicting on themselves days to day, and it's nice to have someone peeking at what's going on, ya know?
So that was 2 reasons. 3rd, it's a day off for me, and 2 meals cooked and I love the U's food. It rocks. The open faced beef sandwhich I had was freakin HEAVENLY. LOVE IT! and 4th- my sister is such a f*cking WIMP about blood and needles, and it makes me cry from laughing. Picture this: Michelle, in the hospital bed, with both arm not bending---she CAN bend them, she's ALLOWED to bend them, but she cries when she bends them because it grosses her out. NO matter how many times she's told there are NO NEEDLES in her arms, she will not bend them. So our food comes, and she looks longingly at her tray. Finally, she can take it no more and she really, really wants that bacon, since it's done just right. So instead of bending her freakin arm to grab it and put it in her mouth, she faceplants on the tray. Unfortunately for her, this doesn't work so well for her frenchtoast, so just like last time, I have to cut up her food and feed her, which also makes me cry laughing.
We hadn't met the new head of the study, and when I imagined it (ugh, I'm going to out myself as super weird for the millionth time), I couldn't picture her, but I pictured her sitting and chatting and asking me if I were on TV. Isn't that stupid? I'm not that much of an attention whore! I don't have the urge to tell people that for one little second, I did something that mattered enough to get a spot on TV (even though it was all for the publicity of the U's work). I don't care. We don't watch it. Can I stop trying to convince you now? I DON'T CARE, so that was weird to me.
So can you guess what happened? Nicole comes in, and sits down, we make small talk and she says (drum roll...) "Wait! Were you on television????" Another girl comes in and she says "This is the one who started the paired exchange. We all got the email about it, it was a really big deal for us!" :) Both those girls worked in the transplant center for 10 years. Anyway, weird.
We came home and Payten came running up. My first instinct was to shhhhhh her for the babies. :) It's funny how quickly it all "comes back". I hear babies crying anywhere and I'm looking around for who it is.
Oh, I tried to read a Cosmo to kill some time after I finished the stupid book I was reading (I give it 6 out of 10 stars), and WHAT THE HELL! For real, Stupid World, NOTHING is ever going to get any better with you all putting all that garbage in the hands of young women. Granted, they are the ones buying it, but if we put GOOD things out there, they'd buy that too! I'm horrified, and disgusted and I didn't make it even half way through.
Either that, or I'm getting old.
I can't WAIT for the kidney get together on Sunday! This matters not, probably, but I'll tell you who is going to be there. I am SO happy I get to see them again! I can't WAIT! Here is how the chain went: I donated to Shannon (he won't be there), his sister donated to Mark (he WILL be there!) , Marks friend Ann (she WILL be there!!!) donated to Priscilla (she WON'T be there), Priscilla's friend John (he WON'T be there) donated to Ron (who WON'T be there)...Ron's niece Heather (she WILL be there) donated to Matt (who WILL be there). Got it? Me, Cullen, Ann, Matt, Heather and their spouses. Can't WAIT!! Did you know that? It sound so generic that way, doesn't it? Here is why I like it so much....I think that all people are connected. We're connected to people we don't consciously know. People we're not even aware of. Right now, you could donate your kidney to someone who is going to die without it (just one example of millions)- without you. It sucks a little bit to say it like that, but it's true. Do you understand? It's true- if you were do choose to donate, someone lives. If you don't, they will die. People die every day, all the time, for a billion reasons. We can make such a huge difference in so many millions of ways- in fact, we DO make a difference. We have no idea what we do, really. So here I have these group of "strangers" that I didn't know, that I know now. I get to see how we're connected. My family has been affected by these people. I've affected people in their families that I don't know. It's like the lights got turned off, and a black light turned on, and the beautiful, shimmering almost invisible strings that are weaved between all of us show up. I can see now. Love.
Happy Friday!
Happy Friday!
So that was 2 reasons. 3rd, it's a day off for me, and 2 meals cooked and I love the U's food. It rocks. The open faced beef sandwhich I had was freakin HEAVENLY. LOVE IT! and 4th- my sister is such a f*cking WIMP about blood and needles, and it makes me cry from laughing. Picture this: Michelle, in the hospital bed, with both arm not bending---she CAN bend them, she's ALLOWED to bend them, but she cries when she bends them because it grosses her out. NO matter how many times she's told there are NO NEEDLES in her arms, she will not bend them. So our food comes, and she looks longingly at her tray. Finally, she can take it no more and she really, really wants that bacon, since it's done just right. So instead of bending her freakin arm to grab it and put it in her mouth, she faceplants on the tray. Unfortunately for her, this doesn't work so well for her frenchtoast, so just like last time, I have to cut up her food and feed her, which also makes me cry laughing.
We hadn't met the new head of the study, and when I imagined it (ugh, I'm going to out myself as super weird for the millionth time), I couldn't picture her, but I pictured her sitting and chatting and asking me if I were on TV. Isn't that stupid? I'm not that much of an attention whore! I don't have the urge to tell people that for one little second, I did something that mattered enough to get a spot on TV (even though it was all for the publicity of the U's work). I don't care. We don't watch it. Can I stop trying to convince you now? I DON'T CARE, so that was weird to me.
So can you guess what happened? Nicole comes in, and sits down, we make small talk and she says (drum roll...) "Wait! Were you on television????" Another girl comes in and she says "This is the one who started the paired exchange. We all got the email about it, it was a really big deal for us!" :) Both those girls worked in the transplant center for 10 years. Anyway, weird.
We came home and Payten came running up. My first instinct was to shhhhhh her for the babies. :) It's funny how quickly it all "comes back". I hear babies crying anywhere and I'm looking around for who it is.
Oh, I tried to read a Cosmo to kill some time after I finished the stupid book I was reading (I give it 6 out of 10 stars), and WHAT THE HELL! For real, Stupid World, NOTHING is ever going to get any better with you all putting all that garbage in the hands of young women. Granted, they are the ones buying it, but if we put GOOD things out there, they'd buy that too! I'm horrified, and disgusted and I didn't make it even half way through.
Either that, or I'm getting old.
I can't WAIT for the kidney get together on Sunday! This matters not, probably, but I'll tell you who is going to be there. I am SO happy I get to see them again! I can't WAIT! Here is how the chain went: I donated to Shannon (he won't be there), his sister donated to Mark (he WILL be there!) , Marks friend Ann (she WILL be there!!!) donated to Priscilla (she WON'T be there), Priscilla's friend John (he WON'T be there) donated to Ron (who WON'T be there)...Ron's niece Heather (she WILL be there) donated to Matt (who WILL be there). Got it? Me, Cullen, Ann, Matt, Heather and their spouses. Can't WAIT!! Did you know that? It sound so generic that way, doesn't it? Here is why I like it so much....I think that all people are connected. We're connected to people we don't consciously know. People we're not even aware of. Right now, you could donate your kidney to someone who is going to die without it (just one example of millions)- without you. It sucks a little bit to say it like that, but it's true. Do you understand? It's true- if you were do choose to donate, someone lives. If you don't, they will die. People die every day, all the time, for a billion reasons. We can make such a huge difference in so many millions of ways- in fact, we DO make a difference. We have no idea what we do, really. So here I have these group of "strangers" that I didn't know, that I know now. I get to see how we're connected. My family has been affected by these people. I've affected people in their families that I don't know. It's like the lights got turned off, and a black light turned on, and the beautiful, shimmering almost invisible strings that are weaved between all of us show up. I can see now. Love.
Happy Friday!
Happy Friday!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I love...
Dunkin Donuts coffee. Who knew?
That I get to see some of the people from the kidney chain on Sunday, to celebrate our 6th month anniversary! YAY!
That Shannon has been cleared from Fargo and doesn't have to go every week now. :) He'll be dancing again soon. Awesome!
Cullen.
That both- no, all 3 babies are quiet right this second.
That everyone, including me, survived this morning.
That I get another clean slate to "start over" with right NOW.
Jordan got to sleep with Cullen this morning when I woke up.
It's warm outside today.
It's mom's bday.
I chose to double the amount of money for the kids' yearbooks to help pay for someone else's. We don't really "have the money" to do that, but apparently we do, because I did it. I wish someone could have done that for us before, which is why I always double whatever I send to school for any of their stuff.
No one here has lice.
I have been emailing back and forth with my new friend Heather. Remember Heather? She's the mother of the 3 cute little baby girls I hung up with our other Christmas cards. She does daycare too, and her kids are 3 and under and I have a new friend. Take that, all you jackwagons that laughed at me and called me stupid for doing what I did!
Jennifer Lopez. I like her on American Idol.
Tomorrow is my 6 month kidney function study w/Michelle. She hates it, and passes out sometimes, but she loves me so she is the control for the study. One this is for sure: we will laugh until we cry at some point. And this time it won't be because I didn't have underwear on.
I still have chocolate to eat, which I am going to, because this morning was really, really, REALLY horrible.
I haven't asked the Universe for anything specific lately, shame on me!!! I will have to pick something, something wonderful.
April 7th. We're outta here to go up north. Can't wait.
Babies who sleep laying down.
Babies who sleep, period.
I get to eat Red Lobster with mom tonight.
Cullen's back on her good side with that one.
End of the silence, must go now.
...and, silence again. LOVE IT.
I love big band and swing. I can almost remember singing? Dancing? Something...
I love the smell of fresh air. Yes, I have my windows open.
That I get to see some of the people from the kidney chain on Sunday, to celebrate our 6th month anniversary! YAY!
That Shannon has been cleared from Fargo and doesn't have to go every week now. :) He'll be dancing again soon. Awesome!
Cullen.
That both- no, all 3 babies are quiet right this second.
That everyone, including me, survived this morning.
That I get another clean slate to "start over" with right NOW.
Jordan got to sleep with Cullen this morning when I woke up.
It's warm outside today.
It's mom's bday.
I chose to double the amount of money for the kids' yearbooks to help pay for someone else's. We don't really "have the money" to do that, but apparently we do, because I did it. I wish someone could have done that for us before, which is why I always double whatever I send to school for any of their stuff.
No one here has lice.
I have been emailing back and forth with my new friend Heather. Remember Heather? She's the mother of the 3 cute little baby girls I hung up with our other Christmas cards. She does daycare too, and her kids are 3 and under and I have a new friend. Take that, all you jackwagons that laughed at me and called me stupid for doing what I did!
Jennifer Lopez. I like her on American Idol.
Tomorrow is my 6 month kidney function study w/Michelle. She hates it, and passes out sometimes, but she loves me so she is the control for the study. One this is for sure: we will laugh until we cry at some point. And this time it won't be because I didn't have underwear on.
I still have chocolate to eat, which I am going to, because this morning was really, really, REALLY horrible.
I haven't asked the Universe for anything specific lately, shame on me!!! I will have to pick something, something wonderful.
April 7th. We're outta here to go up north. Can't wait.
Babies who sleep laying down.
Babies who sleep, period.
I get to eat Red Lobster with mom tonight.
Cullen's back on her good side with that one.
End of the silence, must go now.
...and, silence again. LOVE IT.
I love big band and swing. I can almost remember singing? Dancing? Something...
I love the smell of fresh air. Yes, I have my windows open.
Dreamy
Who did you dream of when you were little? I mean, who did you dream of marrying/being with? Have you found that you ended up with your dream?
I have.
Isn't that funny? I used to write down what I dreamed of in a husband, and he's followed the script more often than not. Cept CLEARLY I needed to be more specific about things like being JUST like my dad and the drinking and spending stuff. But other than than, I have this man who says the most amazing things, and after all this time, I figure he means them (*wink*). He spoils me ROTTEN, partially to ruin me for anyone else and partially because seeing me happy makes him happy. He listens, and his favorite thing to do is dig around in people's heads (cept mine, unless it has to do with my fucked up vision of myself. He's scared of mine.). He supports every crazy thing I do even if he needs to put the brakes on me for me.
So, did you get what you dreamed up? Did you "settle", figuring you'd better take what you can get? Is he better than you ever ever dreamed he could be? Am I being a sexist pig by assuming that you're female and that you are with a man?
Did I tell you we booked our April anniversary North Shore get away and I now have something to stay in MN for for just a little bit longer? :)
Did I also tell you that my new best friend Jeremy has FORGOTTEN to reply to my questions about that RV that I want????? Punk ass. I'm hitting him up again. Cullen's ready to take a road trip to Willmar. This is how we do it, yo.
I have.
Isn't that funny? I used to write down what I dreamed of in a husband, and he's followed the script more often than not. Cept CLEARLY I needed to be more specific about things like being JUST like my dad and the drinking and spending stuff. But other than than, I have this man who says the most amazing things, and after all this time, I figure he means them (*wink*). He spoils me ROTTEN, partially to ruin me for anyone else and partially because seeing me happy makes him happy. He listens, and his favorite thing to do is dig around in people's heads (cept mine, unless it has to do with my fucked up vision of myself. He's scared of mine.). He supports every crazy thing I do even if he needs to put the brakes on me for me.
So, did you get what you dreamed up? Did you "settle", figuring you'd better take what you can get? Is he better than you ever ever dreamed he could be? Am I being a sexist pig by assuming that you're female and that you are with a man?
Did I tell you we booked our April anniversary North Shore get away and I now have something to stay in MN for for just a little bit longer? :)
Did I also tell you that my new best friend Jeremy has FORGOTTEN to reply to my questions about that RV that I want????? Punk ass. I'm hitting him up again. Cullen's ready to take a road trip to Willmar. This is how we do it, yo.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
140
I think I've talked about this before. The Magic Number of 140. That is the nightmare that I can't find my way out of- the Ideal Weight.
I got that number from a couple of different places. In case you don't remember, I'll tell you again. :)
The first- my mother. I think she'd probably be very sad if she knew how what she said has haunted me. She told me, as I weighed myself one day, that she keeps her weight at 140. If she goes over, she "just" stops eating until it gets back down there. She's a twig. Literally. My dad told her she had chicken legs a million years ago so she stopped wearing shorts. She's a twig. 140. Of course, when I was eating disordered, I made sure to get below that. I got to 120, which for me was a size 1. And of course, I was sure that Happiness and Skinniness was at 119. And then 118, just to be sure and have a buffer from 120. And 117 would be even better, I might be able to actually EAT and not throw up then. You see how evil it is? So gaining weight after treatment was a nightmare. I can start to sweat thinking about it too much. Where my weight hovered when I was not throwing up and not starving myself was 140-145. Gosh, imagine that.
Are you wondering where this came from?
Last night I went swimming with the kids at the hotel. Shouldn't be a big deal, and wouldn't have been. Do you know what my trouble was? 2 things. First- the awful mirrors in the hotel room. They, I SWEAR, make things slightly wider than they are. I saw me. Dislike. But the biggest thing was my mom- she would see me in my swimsuit. All the old nightmares came back. Cullen went to make use of the rockin treadmill there, and then I went in to use it, but it was useless. I ran for 5 minutes, but the internal chatter was so awful that I stopped. "Did you see you? Nothing you're doing is making a difference." "140 is so far away, why are you trying?" "How far do you have to run for her to think you're doing good?" "She probably wonders how hard you're actually trying after seeing you in your suit." "You look pregnant." "No wonder your jeans don't fit."
God.
I can't win against me. And I had been running every day. Today Cullen will HAVE to make me get on there, because my self image is shot to hell. He tried hard last night, reminding me that I'm working out for my kidney and to help my body work well. I don't even care right now.
Sucky.
It isn't ruining my day, but I'm aware that tonight there will likely be tears over it, when my personal trainer tries as hard as he can to know how far and how hard to push me. Poor Cullen.
The thing that IS getting me today is my darling mother in law. We really do have a special relationship. I love her so much...but that isn't what's getting me. She called me last night, and she hates talking on the phone and we talked forever. And one of the things she was telling me was about the day that was horrible (and she admitted it's her water pills, by the way) was that even though in general she is not an emotional person and isn't weepy, she remembers crying (one of the only things she remembers from that nightmarish day). She remembers WHY she was crying too- she was sad for Mike, who was BESIDE HIMSELF. She felt horrible that this is how it was and is going to be for him. :( I acknowledged that that is probably the most emotional thing she has to deal with in this whole thing, is worrying about leaving everyone. Later on, Cullen was saying how much he misses the old her. I started to feel *it* creep up then, but I kept it back. This morning, with babies arriving one after another, it slapped me in the face and GOD I MISS THE OLD HER. I miss being there in the mornings and having coffee and hearing her greet her daycare kids, and how the dynamics changed little by little as each one arrived, and how much I admired her for doing daycare and seeing her in the kitchen, and coming around the corner, and she just can't get up anymore. I miss playing canasta, and her being able to talk without breathing heavy and OHHHH DAMMIT. The good news in all of this is that ....how to say....there isn't going to be a GIGANTIC hit after she passes. There WILL, but we're already mourning the old her....
Damn.
Anyway. Today doesn't feel horrible, it just feels big, and emotional. It's a good day to focus this energy on loving someone. Maybe I'll send Jane another love letter.
And I have babies to smooch on.
sigh
I got that number from a couple of different places. In case you don't remember, I'll tell you again. :)
The first- my mother. I think she'd probably be very sad if she knew how what she said has haunted me. She told me, as I weighed myself one day, that she keeps her weight at 140. If she goes over, she "just" stops eating until it gets back down there. She's a twig. Literally. My dad told her she had chicken legs a million years ago so she stopped wearing shorts. She's a twig. 140. Of course, when I was eating disordered, I made sure to get below that. I got to 120, which for me was a size 1. And of course, I was sure that Happiness and Skinniness was at 119. And then 118, just to be sure and have a buffer from 120. And 117 would be even better, I might be able to actually EAT and not throw up then. You see how evil it is? So gaining weight after treatment was a nightmare. I can start to sweat thinking about it too much. Where my weight hovered when I was not throwing up and not starving myself was 140-145. Gosh, imagine that.
Are you wondering where this came from?
Last night I went swimming with the kids at the hotel. Shouldn't be a big deal, and wouldn't have been. Do you know what my trouble was? 2 things. First- the awful mirrors in the hotel room. They, I SWEAR, make things slightly wider than they are. I saw me. Dislike. But the biggest thing was my mom- she would see me in my swimsuit. All the old nightmares came back. Cullen went to make use of the rockin treadmill there, and then I went in to use it, but it was useless. I ran for 5 minutes, but the internal chatter was so awful that I stopped. "Did you see you? Nothing you're doing is making a difference." "140 is so far away, why are you trying?" "How far do you have to run for her to think you're doing good?" "She probably wonders how hard you're actually trying after seeing you in your suit." "You look pregnant." "No wonder your jeans don't fit."
God.
I can't win against me. And I had been running every day. Today Cullen will HAVE to make me get on there, because my self image is shot to hell. He tried hard last night, reminding me that I'm working out for my kidney and to help my body work well. I don't even care right now.
Sucky.
It isn't ruining my day, but I'm aware that tonight there will likely be tears over it, when my personal trainer tries as hard as he can to know how far and how hard to push me. Poor Cullen.
The thing that IS getting me today is my darling mother in law. We really do have a special relationship. I love her so much...but that isn't what's getting me. She called me last night, and she hates talking on the phone and we talked forever. And one of the things she was telling me was about the day that was horrible (and she admitted it's her water pills, by the way) was that even though in general she is not an emotional person and isn't weepy, she remembers crying (one of the only things she remembers from that nightmarish day). She remembers WHY she was crying too- she was sad for Mike, who was BESIDE HIMSELF. She felt horrible that this is how it was and is going to be for him. :( I acknowledged that that is probably the most emotional thing she has to deal with in this whole thing, is worrying about leaving everyone. Later on, Cullen was saying how much he misses the old her. I started to feel *it* creep up then, but I kept it back. This morning, with babies arriving one after another, it slapped me in the face and GOD I MISS THE OLD HER. I miss being there in the mornings and having coffee and hearing her greet her daycare kids, and how the dynamics changed little by little as each one arrived, and how much I admired her for doing daycare and seeing her in the kitchen, and coming around the corner, and she just can't get up anymore. I miss playing canasta, and her being able to talk without breathing heavy and OHHHH DAMMIT. The good news in all of this is that ....how to say....there isn't going to be a GIGANTIC hit after she passes. There WILL, but we're already mourning the old her....
Damn.
Anyway. Today doesn't feel horrible, it just feels big, and emotional. It's a good day to focus this energy on loving someone. Maybe I'll send Jane another love letter.
And I have babies to smooch on.
sigh
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Ahhhh....here comes the sun....
First, my irritation is higher than ever in regards to my mother in law. She hasn't been taking her water pills. She gets her ass HANDED TO HER every time she does this. Mike isn't making her, and it's CRITICALLY important that she takes 3 a day. With pulmonary hypertension, water retention will kill you, literally. So now I'm really, really pissed off on the inside at Mike for screaming THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING! when he was the one throwing rocks at the glass ceiling in the first place. But whatevs. The siblings and I are having discussions about it.
SO- to counteract all my crabbiness, I found something to really love. Here it is. This is why I love Cullen so much.
He is off of work today. I already told you all this, but it's really worth looking at.....He's choosing to spend his time off with his children. He pulled CJ, Josh and Julia out of school early to surprise them. How many dads do that??????? Then, to top it off, he took Chuckie and Samantha too because we have enough free passes for them (Nick Universe). My freakin fantastic husband is so awesome that not only does he take our four out of school to surprise them, and take them to Nick Universe (seems like most dads are too scared to take all of their kids out by themselves, and often it's less than 4 kids) (and seems like most dads don't want to hang out with their kids when they have time on their hands anyway, in general), but he's taking MORE kids. He is THE BEST EVER!!!!!!!!!! If that isn't a beautiful thing for the kids to know...they will grow up knowing that their dad really, really likes to hang out with them. Awesome.
Now I have to somehow convey that to him properly because I've been a kicky, hitty little bitch all day, and I know he's feeling the stress even more than I am. I need something even more meaningful than sex. HMMMMM....
SO- to counteract all my crabbiness, I found something to really love. Here it is. This is why I love Cullen so much.
He is off of work today. I already told you all this, but it's really worth looking at.....He's choosing to spend his time off with his children. He pulled CJ, Josh and Julia out of school early to surprise them. How many dads do that??????? Then, to top it off, he took Chuckie and Samantha too because we have enough free passes for them (Nick Universe). My freakin fantastic husband is so awesome that not only does he take our four out of school to surprise them, and take them to Nick Universe (seems like most dads are too scared to take all of their kids out by themselves, and often it's less than 4 kids) (and seems like most dads don't want to hang out with their kids when they have time on their hands anyway, in general), but he's taking MORE kids. He is THE BEST EVER!!!!!!!!!! If that isn't a beautiful thing for the kids to know...they will grow up knowing that their dad really, really likes to hang out with them. Awesome.
Now I have to somehow convey that to him properly because I've been a kicky, hitty little bitch all day, and I know he's feeling the stress even more than I am. I need something even more meaningful than sex. HMMMMM....
Outta my way.
Yesterday I was crabby with not knowing what's real and what's drama as far as my mil is concerned. That's not much better, because now we have Kimmy on Cullen's case about being a jackass to his dad (which he is). Mike is an emotional WRECK, rightfully so, but THE SKY IS FALLING has been yelled a few too many times and some of us are stuck here.
Cullen doesn't work today because he works Saturday (oh, goody). But instead of going to bed with me (which he normally does, which is nice after being forced to go to bed alone for a couple of years when he worked 2nd shift, unless I wanted to sacrifice my own sleep to wait up for him, which as you know, I also did)...he got up (again) to go drink and watch TV. DAMN THE FUCKING ALCOHOL. Just great, you know? THIS is what I'm in for? THIS is how he is going to deal with the emotional hells that will come our way? Drinking? Fanfuckingtastic. Can't wait.
Yesterday he said to wake him up at 7:30 so he could get up and have coffee with me. That's a semi joke anyway because by 7:30 75% of my kids are awake and Adalane and Ethan are here. There's no more relaxing going on at 7:30 this morning. Which doesn't matter because he didn't get out of bed til 8am. It's only a half hour, what do I care? I don't trust him anymore. I don't trust that he'll do daycare "with" me. So I was irritated with im when he woke up for getting up after sex (come on, I'm not some whore), and then not getting up when he said he would. Then Kim and Travis show up and Kimmy's got her claws out. I've had the same talk with Cullen over and over. I can't stand Mike anymore than he can, but I can't imagine what it's like to be waiting for a heart attack to steal her in the night, or have to watch her even more slowly disappear. Sucky.
I don't even know what my problem really is. I am not truly expecting to be doing daycare forever and ever, and I most certainly am not planning on having 10 daycare kids here and depending on Cullen, that is the most for sure thing. So why do I CARE????
WHAT'S MY PROBLEM??? Is it that during every THE SKY IS FALLING Jane crisis that I am on the backburner because that's my job? That even though I'm slowly losing someone I love deeply, it doesn't matter, I wasn't born to her and therefore Cullen gets to have as much time as possible as he can while I do everything else? Including let him sleep as much as he wants and put out like a machine allowing him to get up and drink when he's done with me?
CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! My attitude SUCKS. Why is it that the men that I love the most, the very, very most, all have a thing for alcohol? Every one of them. Count em.
I need a new attitude.
Ethan's mom is bringing him at 6:30am because she woke up late yesterday, and she needs to make up time. I can either STAY OPEN LATER or OPEN UP EARLIER to accomodate her. I really dislike having to be open past 5. I already do 10 hour days every day. Today it's 10.5. I can't expect her to pay me extra LIKE I SHOULD, because she's a single mom. It's just a hard situation.
Sometimes, I want to do everything differently. I was warned about being taken advantage of by people- family as well as others. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. And *I* am in control of that.
PISS OFF. I really need a new attitude.
Cullen doesn't work today because he works Saturday (oh, goody). But instead of going to bed with me (which he normally does, which is nice after being forced to go to bed alone for a couple of years when he worked 2nd shift, unless I wanted to sacrifice my own sleep to wait up for him, which as you know, I also did)...he got up (again) to go drink and watch TV. DAMN THE FUCKING ALCOHOL. Just great, you know? THIS is what I'm in for? THIS is how he is going to deal with the emotional hells that will come our way? Drinking? Fanfuckingtastic. Can't wait.
Yesterday he said to wake him up at 7:30 so he could get up and have coffee with me. That's a semi joke anyway because by 7:30 75% of my kids are awake and Adalane and Ethan are here. There's no more relaxing going on at 7:30 this morning. Which doesn't matter because he didn't get out of bed til 8am. It's only a half hour, what do I care? I don't trust him anymore. I don't trust that he'll do daycare "with" me. So I was irritated with im when he woke up for getting up after sex (come on, I'm not some whore), and then not getting up when he said he would. Then Kim and Travis show up and Kimmy's got her claws out. I've had the same talk with Cullen over and over. I can't stand Mike anymore than he can, but I can't imagine what it's like to be waiting for a heart attack to steal her in the night, or have to watch her even more slowly disappear. Sucky.
I don't even know what my problem really is. I am not truly expecting to be doing daycare forever and ever, and I most certainly am not planning on having 10 daycare kids here and depending on Cullen, that is the most for sure thing. So why do I CARE????
WHAT'S MY PROBLEM??? Is it that during every THE SKY IS FALLING Jane crisis that I am on the backburner because that's my job? That even though I'm slowly losing someone I love deeply, it doesn't matter, I wasn't born to her and therefore Cullen gets to have as much time as possible as he can while I do everything else? Including let him sleep as much as he wants and put out like a machine allowing him to get up and drink when he's done with me?
CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! My attitude SUCKS. Why is it that the men that I love the most, the very, very most, all have a thing for alcohol? Every one of them. Count em.
I need a new attitude.
Ethan's mom is bringing him at 6:30am because she woke up late yesterday, and she needs to make up time. I can either STAY OPEN LATER or OPEN UP EARLIER to accomodate her. I really dislike having to be open past 5. I already do 10 hour days every day. Today it's 10.5. I can't expect her to pay me extra LIKE I SHOULD, because she's a single mom. It's just a hard situation.
Sometimes, I want to do everything differently. I was warned about being taken advantage of by people- family as well as others. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. And *I* am in control of that.
PISS OFF. I really need a new attitude.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The long, slow letting go
We got the call today.
Hospice has summoned everyone to the house.
On Friday, Jane wasn't good- confused about the phone/remote (thought it was one or the other), and the body changes are happening now too.
Today, it was worse. She couldn't figure out how to lay down. Didn't know how to anymore. Mike tearfully called all his children to let them know that after work they should come to the house. Not necessarily to say goodbye, but ...to say goodbye. Because she can go at anytime. We were just THERE Thursday night.
SIGH.
This is, of course, all okay. The letting go and missing suck, but I am so excited for her to get out of her body. What's going to hurt is the missing, and watching some of the people that i love the most be so sad. Kimmy is torn up that Caiden will have no memory of her. He never knew the good her at all. She didn't read and record her voice for the book that Kim got her, so that Caiden could at least hear her.
Fortunately/Unfortunately, tonight- this week, in fact- is the week that my parents have the hotel, so we are to go over there at night so the kids can swim. This means, of course, that I will probably miss out on Jane. Maybe one night they will let me go over there and watch all four.
BOOOOOOO.
Shawn is on his way there, because who can work after that phone call? Kimmy doesn't know how long she'll last. Cullen's pissed that he's supposed to be able to work. I don't know what Brian is doing. Rick is in Mexico. Who knows about Corey.
*SIGH*
Hospice has summoned everyone to the house.
On Friday, Jane wasn't good- confused about the phone/remote (thought it was one or the other), and the body changes are happening now too.
Today, it was worse. She couldn't figure out how to lay down. Didn't know how to anymore. Mike tearfully called all his children to let them know that after work they should come to the house. Not necessarily to say goodbye, but ...to say goodbye. Because she can go at anytime. We were just THERE Thursday night.
SIGH.
This is, of course, all okay. The letting go and missing suck, but I am so excited for her to get out of her body. What's going to hurt is the missing, and watching some of the people that i love the most be so sad. Kimmy is torn up that Caiden will have no memory of her. He never knew the good her at all. She didn't read and record her voice for the book that Kim got her, so that Caiden could at least hear her.
Fortunately/Unfortunately, tonight- this week, in fact- is the week that my parents have the hotel, so we are to go over there at night so the kids can swim. This means, of course, that I will probably miss out on Jane. Maybe one night they will let me go over there and watch all four.
BOOOOOOO.
Shawn is on his way there, because who can work after that phone call? Kimmy doesn't know how long she'll last. Cullen's pissed that he's supposed to be able to work. I don't know what Brian is doing. Rick is in Mexico. Who knows about Corey.
*SIGH*
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Shed some light
We'll do this from worst to best, peeps.
I'm crying. I read the paper. It's the same when I watch the news. I am horrified and disgusted by this stupid world. Why isn't there MORE good news? It's across the board, too. Take your pick...the kid who got slowly and painfully beat to death--if that wasn't bad enough he'd been sexually abused daily since he was 10---I almost felt happy for him to be off this stupid planet after reading that. Stupid world. Robberies, homeless people overdosing...and then a proposed pay freeze for teachers- again.
WTF!!!!!!!!! How are we so stupid!?? WHY aren't we legalizing prostition and regulating and getting in on some of that money? WHY don't we have a state owned casino? People give FREELY there, and constantly! WHY are we stealing from the people who are RAISING OUR CHILDREN??? How long are teachers suposed to stick around? We're going to keep losing teachers, and schools and getting bigger and bigger class sizes and it's STUPID. How long can you love a job so much and give so much of your time and your own money away before you say you just can't do it anymore???? How are we SO STUPID?! AND MN has the biggest gaping hole between the acheivement of it's ..oh how did they phrase it...gotta go look..BETWEEN IT'S *WHITE* STUDENTS AND IT'S POOR RACIAL MINORITIES. I don't know where to vomit first.
How about if they also licensed stay at home mom's, paid us even minimum wage, called us professional mothers and maybe more people would stay home with their kids, thus saving them daycare money, OR maybe even MORE people would homeschool their kids (you'd be surprised how many are actually doing it, and the number is growing all the time due to the issues the public school systems encounter), and that would relieve some of the congestion in the classrooms? And why isn't marijuana legal yet? I'm not a fan of it. I think adults who do it are a little bit pathetic (said the girl who dreams of a reason to take some vicodin), but whatever. It's everywhere. How can we focus on ANYTHING when we're so busy busting the sale and ownership of weed? We're SO STUPID. No wonder we have war. We're too stupid to get along together.
People are whining about all the immigration....but if you were a refugee and you were running for your life, would you not need someone to open their arms to you? And would you not be grateful for the opportunity? Why are people bitching. It isn't like things were great before. Before immigration gave us someone to point fingers at, we so desperately needed a reason to fight (because we're so fucking stupid), we pointed fingers at one another. A CIVIL WAR? Now that is THE all time stupidest thing ever. And we do plenty good picking on our own people as is. God forbid someone is another color or another sexuality or another sex even. SO STUPID.
But I digress. Freeze those teachers' pay again. Brilliant. That will solve everything.
Second up in my ladder: Cullen is terminated. We had a talk last night. He of course felt threatened when I voiced how much I really didn't want him to work at Fed Ex anymore, because all of our major issues have revolved around this, as I told you yesterday. I didn't mean to make him feel threatened, and the more we discussed how great the insurance is and the freedom it will give us down the road, I settled down. We decided that if he were to get terminated, we still can't lose. He can try to GFT it, and if that doesn't work- great. We'll be like everyone else who has one job and insurance from that one job and call it good. If it works, fine.
He went to the Legion at 8:30am, to say what up and see ya to his coworkers. On Saturdays most of them go over there for awhile unless a plane is late or whatever. Planes have been late because of the snow storms and horrible weather. He waited for a half hour and then left. For some reason that made me feel so sad that the tears started all over again. I felt bad for him in general even though everything is all good.
He was super motivated to do some spring cleaning, and the basement is all cleaned out. Now the 2 storage areas are being done. We're so awesome, there's barely anything in storage, and I look forward to ditching more stuff so when we take off in our RV, we won't have much to get rid of.
AND that, friends, brings us to the most KICK ASS thing of the day. Are you ready? This was my horoscope for today- turns out I'm still a Leo because of when I was born. I warned you. Are you ready?
"Your spirit is restless. the wind whispers a promise in your ear: You will see the faraway lands you dream about. Furthermore, you will see them sooner if you start your travel research now."
No shit, huh?
I'm crying. I read the paper. It's the same when I watch the news. I am horrified and disgusted by this stupid world. Why isn't there MORE good news? It's across the board, too. Take your pick...the kid who got slowly and painfully beat to death--if that wasn't bad enough he'd been sexually abused daily since he was 10---I almost felt happy for him to be off this stupid planet after reading that. Stupid world. Robberies, homeless people overdosing...and then a proposed pay freeze for teachers- again.
WTF!!!!!!!!! How are we so stupid!?? WHY aren't we legalizing prostition and regulating and getting in on some of that money? WHY don't we have a state owned casino? People give FREELY there, and constantly! WHY are we stealing from the people who are RAISING OUR CHILDREN??? How long are teachers suposed to stick around? We're going to keep losing teachers, and schools and getting bigger and bigger class sizes and it's STUPID. How long can you love a job so much and give so much of your time and your own money away before you say you just can't do it anymore???? How are we SO STUPID?! AND MN has the biggest gaping hole between the acheivement of it's ..oh how did they phrase it...gotta go look..BETWEEN IT'S *WHITE* STUDENTS AND IT'S POOR RACIAL MINORITIES. I don't know where to vomit first.
How about if they also licensed stay at home mom's, paid us even minimum wage, called us professional mothers and maybe more people would stay home with their kids, thus saving them daycare money, OR maybe even MORE people would homeschool their kids (you'd be surprised how many are actually doing it, and the number is growing all the time due to the issues the public school systems encounter), and that would relieve some of the congestion in the classrooms? And why isn't marijuana legal yet? I'm not a fan of it. I think adults who do it are a little bit pathetic (said the girl who dreams of a reason to take some vicodin), but whatever. It's everywhere. How can we focus on ANYTHING when we're so busy busting the sale and ownership of weed? We're SO STUPID. No wonder we have war. We're too stupid to get along together.
People are whining about all the immigration....but if you were a refugee and you were running for your life, would you not need someone to open their arms to you? And would you not be grateful for the opportunity? Why are people bitching. It isn't like things were great before. Before immigration gave us someone to point fingers at, we so desperately needed a reason to fight (because we're so fucking stupid), we pointed fingers at one another. A CIVIL WAR? Now that is THE all time stupidest thing ever. And we do plenty good picking on our own people as is. God forbid someone is another color or another sexuality or another sex even. SO STUPID.
But I digress. Freeze those teachers' pay again. Brilliant. That will solve everything.
Second up in my ladder: Cullen is terminated. We had a talk last night. He of course felt threatened when I voiced how much I really didn't want him to work at Fed Ex anymore, because all of our major issues have revolved around this, as I told you yesterday. I didn't mean to make him feel threatened, and the more we discussed how great the insurance is and the freedom it will give us down the road, I settled down. We decided that if he were to get terminated, we still can't lose. He can try to GFT it, and if that doesn't work- great. We'll be like everyone else who has one job and insurance from that one job and call it good. If it works, fine.
He went to the Legion at 8:30am, to say what up and see ya to his coworkers. On Saturdays most of them go over there for awhile unless a plane is late or whatever. Planes have been late because of the snow storms and horrible weather. He waited for a half hour and then left. For some reason that made me feel so sad that the tears started all over again. I felt bad for him in general even though everything is all good.
He was super motivated to do some spring cleaning, and the basement is all cleaned out. Now the 2 storage areas are being done. We're so awesome, there's barely anything in storage, and I look forward to ditching more stuff so when we take off in our RV, we won't have much to get rid of.
AND that, friends, brings us to the most KICK ASS thing of the day. Are you ready? This was my horoscope for today- turns out I'm still a Leo because of when I was born. I warned you. Are you ready?
"Your spirit is restless. the wind whispers a promise in your ear: You will see the faraway lands you dream about. Furthermore, you will see them sooner if you start your travel research now."
No shit, huh?
Friday, January 21, 2011
Ohhhh lala!
Cullen might get terminated! WHOO HOOO!!!! The normal start time on Saturdays is 4:50am, and his boss told him to come in at 5:15am to discuss everything. The problem is that if they term him, they will try to GFT it. I don't know what that stands for other than they "earn" their jobs back by doing paid for training. I asked him that IF that's what happens, is he going to let them GFT it. He said he doesn't know. I think he's starting to feel the stress of having to make a decision one way or another soon. THE SUSPENSE BUILDS. It's been so nice having him not be overly tired the past few days, even though he still sucks in the morning. I even said something last night to him...he said "You don't seem as happy in the morning as you normally do" and I said "It's my own fault, I keep hoping that one of these days you'll actually get up and have coffee and enjoy some of the peace and quiet with me before the day starts." Then I let him off the hook. "But I realize that you don't get this chance often, to sleep "in" so it's my own fault for hoping."
Today he didn't get up either. Jackwagon.
Tonight we have a hot date to look at RV's and start finding out how much we would finance ours for. :)
I decided that when we do ...*We interrupt this post for an update on Cullen*...I just found out how I REALLY feel about Fed Ex.
Cullen called Chris back to clarify that he isn't working tomorrow one way or the other, and Chris confirmed. It SOUNDS like it'll be a term/GFT deal. So I asked again "What are you going to do?" and he says "Well, I'll have my job back." I asked if he can't feel the difference today, when he's normally a tired grump and he said for sure he can. Then I started getting pissed. I mentioned that not only does HE not have a normal weekend EVER and only gets one day off, but that I don't get any days off either because of his hours, and that I am on duty all the time. So he mentioned the occassional nap and how he tries to get me a break sometimes during the week (he took the kids shopping 2 nights ago). So I COMMENDED HIM for doing SO MUCH to try to help me, then caught myself. His main concern is insurance. I, of course, don't give a shit about any of that, which is probably stupid. SOMETIMES, I am seeing, I GET SICK AND TIRED OF BEING THE NEVER ENDING SUPPORT FOR HIS FUCKING SLEEP. "SHHH, dad's sleeping...." getting up every day with the kids so HE can get some sleep, regardless of what my night may have been like with any sick kids. Keeping the house up. YES, I KNOW, I am SO BLESSED that my husband works TWO JOBS for the GREAT INSURANCE and I GET TO STAY HERE DOING DAYCARE but ...what's my problem? I get frustrated with my mom sometimes, who is SOOOO pro Nicki that she bashes Cullen, who is working his ass off, but at the same time, she's the only one I hear it from. Everyone else is so enamored of Cullen's amazingness that he can work 2 jobs and work out all the fucking time AND deal with his wife and kids. Fuck that.
Now I'm pissed. :)
How unfortunate. I better go get to work on my fucking piss poor attitude. It's just getting worse and worse.... I don't cook EVERY NIGHT but HE NEVER DOES. If I don't cook, if I give myself a night off, we are ordering out. Otherwise he comes home to dinner everynight and a mostly clean house. If I mention this, he gives me a list of what he does to help out around the house. THANK YOU FOR EVERY LITTLE THING YOU DO TO HELP OUT. I know I'm a spoiled brat mostly- he will get me anything I want if I ask, and he does it even when I don't ask, and sometimes when I don't even want whatever it is. I KNOW that. That's probably the problem. In fact, every BIG *problem* we've encountered has been over his working/not working. The first time it was about Fed Ex (night shift) and drinking (always the goddamned drinking!), next time was his unemployment and inablility to get over his learning disability to save his family (which he did eventually do, mostly), and then it was his working 2nd shift and being a ghost in the family, a mean, jealous, crabby ghost....
What is my problem. ? Seriously.
Why can't he just work one fucking normal job like the rest of the world? I need a new tire by the way. Have for a long time. He just doesn't have time for it. At some point, isn't your FAMILY more important than MONEY?
UGH!
Today he didn't get up either. Jackwagon.
Tonight we have a hot date to look at RV's and start finding out how much we would finance ours for. :)
I decided that when we do ...*We interrupt this post for an update on Cullen*...I just found out how I REALLY feel about Fed Ex.
Cullen called Chris back to clarify that he isn't working tomorrow one way or the other, and Chris confirmed. It SOUNDS like it'll be a term/GFT deal. So I asked again "What are you going to do?" and he says "Well, I'll have my job back." I asked if he can't feel the difference today, when he's normally a tired grump and he said for sure he can. Then I started getting pissed. I mentioned that not only does HE not have a normal weekend EVER and only gets one day off, but that I don't get any days off either because of his hours, and that I am on duty all the time. So he mentioned the occassional nap and how he tries to get me a break sometimes during the week (he took the kids shopping 2 nights ago). So I COMMENDED HIM for doing SO MUCH to try to help me, then caught myself. His main concern is insurance. I, of course, don't give a shit about any of that, which is probably stupid. SOMETIMES, I am seeing, I GET SICK AND TIRED OF BEING THE NEVER ENDING SUPPORT FOR HIS FUCKING SLEEP. "SHHH, dad's sleeping...." getting up every day with the kids so HE can get some sleep, regardless of what my night may have been like with any sick kids. Keeping the house up. YES, I KNOW, I am SO BLESSED that my husband works TWO JOBS for the GREAT INSURANCE and I GET TO STAY HERE DOING DAYCARE but ...what's my problem? I get frustrated with my mom sometimes, who is SOOOO pro Nicki that she bashes Cullen, who is working his ass off, but at the same time, she's the only one I hear it from. Everyone else is so enamored of Cullen's amazingness that he can work 2 jobs and work out all the fucking time AND deal with his wife and kids. Fuck that.
Now I'm pissed. :)
How unfortunate. I better go get to work on my fucking piss poor attitude. It's just getting worse and worse.... I don't cook EVERY NIGHT but HE NEVER DOES. If I don't cook, if I give myself a night off, we are ordering out. Otherwise he comes home to dinner everynight and a mostly clean house. If I mention this, he gives me a list of what he does to help out around the house. THANK YOU FOR EVERY LITTLE THING YOU DO TO HELP OUT. I know I'm a spoiled brat mostly- he will get me anything I want if I ask, and he does it even when I don't ask, and sometimes when I don't even want whatever it is. I KNOW that. That's probably the problem. In fact, every BIG *problem* we've encountered has been over his working/not working. The first time it was about Fed Ex (night shift) and drinking (always the goddamned drinking!), next time was his unemployment and inablility to get over his learning disability to save his family (which he did eventually do, mostly), and then it was his working 2nd shift and being a ghost in the family, a mean, jealous, crabby ghost....
What is my problem. ? Seriously.
Why can't he just work one fucking normal job like the rest of the world? I need a new tire by the way. Have for a long time. He just doesn't have time for it. At some point, isn't your FAMILY more important than MONEY?
UGH!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Home Body
This should make you laugh. You'll know why in a minute.
I (we) had to go downtown this morning for our small group daycare class. Can I tell you how much I HATE downtown? I am NOT a city girl. I am most certainly a suburb girl. I could do well to never go downtown ever again. Cullen pointed out that I liked Chicago, but I say that that was different. We were in Chicago with Leti and Martin, my 2nd surrogate couple. He was an architech...well, both were, and to see the city through THEIR eyes was AWESOME. I learned a lot. But guess how much? I couldn't recall one cool thing i learned. If i get to go on a vacation anywhere, (sorry Nik), Chicago doesn't hit it for me. I'm not the club going girl. I'm not even interested in expensive dinners out. Museum's are okay---- my favorite museums are the ones that DON'T feel like a fricken institution. WHY do they think that such whiteness will feel welcoming??? I love art to pieces, but the white coldness of museums turns me off.
In fact, did I write about my melt down in Florida??? We did the kids club for the kids one night and then we LEFT the resort. I was SICK. I HATE (feel the giggles coming on???) HATE HATE not knowing where I am. HATE IT. Makes me totally sick. Takes me a couple of days to get to know a resort, and to try to know a city? BARF. Are we all on the floor laughing yet? Yes, the girl who wants to go take off in a RV just said all that. I think that would be different though because the RV would be like home, and my "home" would go wherever we went, so that's how I'm talking my way out of that one.
HATE not knowing where I am.
HATE big, busy, rush, rush cities where all these little mice have these jobs and run scurrying around, everything is SO important all the time. Barf. HATE IT. The only "big city" thing that I'm okay with is the U of M, and that's by default. Because I've been there so much that I don't feel sucked in and overwhelmed and I really like what they do there (mostly). I think sororities and fraternities are stupid too. It's all stupid. I told you, I don't really belong on Earth, do I??? People who went to college and lived the college life never let go of it. My brother in law just went to his 40 year reunion, and they drank and partied like they were still in college. Well, now that I think of it, MFN and Pooks adored their college experience too. Just not for me. I like knowing were I am, I like making my surroundings comfortable and do something to reflect ME. Going partying isn't fun to me. A night on the town doesn't even sound fun to me. I'm a big ole bore! What sounds super fun to me is going to dinner, then going to see Ralphie May, and then coming home to a quiet house, making out with Cullen and going to bed. I must be 60 years old already.
Cullen, by the way, is on board for buying a RV and taking off next winter for a few months to try it out. He is going to see what options he has for taking a leave of absence or getting laid off for that winter. That way we'd keep our insurance. Maybe we can be true snow birds! The only other large issue is school for the kids. I'd have to talk to their teachers and find out if I can have the curriculum and work that is due and either send it in weekly, or what kind of arrangements and options are available. Maybe I'll just get to home school by default then?
Did you SEE the moon last night?
Cullen feels nervous about just taking off. Nervous because it's so big, and it's one of the things that SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many people talk about doing but no one does (til they are all grown up and retired). But he says that he understands that the only thing stopping any of us from doing what we want is ourselves, the things we tell ourselves, the things that we believe that the world feeds to us. MFN and I had this talk about what we're all doing here. How we've been fed this idea that we need to settle down, reproduce and then work "hard" to make the money to pay for the people who see our kids more than we do, to buy the things we just "have" to have, etc. And I realize that a LOT of HARD work does go into that. Raising kids is no joke. Getting your ass out of bed every day to be overworked is no joke. Throw in there trying to take care of yourself or have any time for yourself at all and there is seriously no time left in the day.
I want out of that. And in my own little opinion, I already have it pretty damned good....*I* have seen the firsts of my children. *I* have been here. I still get to be here. I get to teach and help raise children. But to have THE WORLD teach them, even if it's "only" for a few months at first...to explore, to touch, to see, to feel...don't you want to hug a redwood tree? Don't you want to read underneath one for a few hours? Don't you want to sit in a forest and paint with watercolors? Sit so still that animals scurry around you, feeling safe? Don't you want to go park by a big lake? I dream of seeing places outside of my little world. We stay at the same places when we go to the North Shore. It's hard to go stay inland with the lake right there. I want to though! I want to feel everything.
We're gonna. Watch. There are other things we'd have to consider. Would we keep this house? Would we just find another house to rent when we're going to be heading back? Would we , would we, would we. We'll find out.
I know one thing. I'm not going to go exploring downtown anywhere. :)
Poopybutt Hayes, signing off...
I (we) had to go downtown this morning for our small group daycare class. Can I tell you how much I HATE downtown? I am NOT a city girl. I am most certainly a suburb girl. I could do well to never go downtown ever again. Cullen pointed out that I liked Chicago, but I say that that was different. We were in Chicago with Leti and Martin, my 2nd surrogate couple. He was an architech...well, both were, and to see the city through THEIR eyes was AWESOME. I learned a lot. But guess how much? I couldn't recall one cool thing i learned. If i get to go on a vacation anywhere, (sorry Nik), Chicago doesn't hit it for me. I'm not the club going girl. I'm not even interested in expensive dinners out. Museum's are okay---- my favorite museums are the ones that DON'T feel like a fricken institution. WHY do they think that such whiteness will feel welcoming??? I love art to pieces, but the white coldness of museums turns me off.
In fact, did I write about my melt down in Florida??? We did the kids club for the kids one night and then we LEFT the resort. I was SICK. I HATE (feel the giggles coming on???) HATE HATE not knowing where I am. HATE IT. Makes me totally sick. Takes me a couple of days to get to know a resort, and to try to know a city? BARF. Are we all on the floor laughing yet? Yes, the girl who wants to go take off in a RV just said all that. I think that would be different though because the RV would be like home, and my "home" would go wherever we went, so that's how I'm talking my way out of that one.
HATE not knowing where I am.
HATE big, busy, rush, rush cities where all these little mice have these jobs and run scurrying around, everything is SO important all the time. Barf. HATE IT. The only "big city" thing that I'm okay with is the U of M, and that's by default. Because I've been there so much that I don't feel sucked in and overwhelmed and I really like what they do there (mostly). I think sororities and fraternities are stupid too. It's all stupid. I told you, I don't really belong on Earth, do I??? People who went to college and lived the college life never let go of it. My brother in law just went to his 40 year reunion, and they drank and partied like they were still in college. Well, now that I think of it, MFN and Pooks adored their college experience too. Just not for me. I like knowing were I am, I like making my surroundings comfortable and do something to reflect ME. Going partying isn't fun to me. A night on the town doesn't even sound fun to me. I'm a big ole bore! What sounds super fun to me is going to dinner, then going to see Ralphie May, and then coming home to a quiet house, making out with Cullen and going to bed. I must be 60 years old already.
Cullen, by the way, is on board for buying a RV and taking off next winter for a few months to try it out. He is going to see what options he has for taking a leave of absence or getting laid off for that winter. That way we'd keep our insurance. Maybe we can be true snow birds! The only other large issue is school for the kids. I'd have to talk to their teachers and find out if I can have the curriculum and work that is due and either send it in weekly, or what kind of arrangements and options are available. Maybe I'll just get to home school by default then?
Did you SEE the moon last night?
Cullen feels nervous about just taking off. Nervous because it's so big, and it's one of the things that SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many people talk about doing but no one does (til they are all grown up and retired). But he says that he understands that the only thing stopping any of us from doing what we want is ourselves, the things we tell ourselves, the things that we believe that the world feeds to us. MFN and I had this talk about what we're all doing here. How we've been fed this idea that we need to settle down, reproduce and then work "hard" to make the money to pay for the people who see our kids more than we do, to buy the things we just "have" to have, etc. And I realize that a LOT of HARD work does go into that. Raising kids is no joke. Getting your ass out of bed every day to be overworked is no joke. Throw in there trying to take care of yourself or have any time for yourself at all and there is seriously no time left in the day.
I want out of that. And in my own little opinion, I already have it pretty damned good....*I* have seen the firsts of my children. *I* have been here. I still get to be here. I get to teach and help raise children. But to have THE WORLD teach them, even if it's "only" for a few months at first...to explore, to touch, to see, to feel...don't you want to hug a redwood tree? Don't you want to read underneath one for a few hours? Don't you want to sit in a forest and paint with watercolors? Sit so still that animals scurry around you, feeling safe? Don't you want to go park by a big lake? I dream of seeing places outside of my little world. We stay at the same places when we go to the North Shore. It's hard to go stay inland with the lake right there. I want to though! I want to feel everything.
We're gonna. Watch. There are other things we'd have to consider. Would we keep this house? Would we just find another house to rent when we're going to be heading back? Would we , would we, would we. We'll find out.
I know one thing. I'm not going to go exploring downtown anywhere. :)
Poopybutt Hayes, signing off...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Amos Lee
I love this man, and I love this song.
"Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight"
Well I walked over the bridge
Into the city where I live,
And I saw my old landlord.
Well we both said hello,
There was no where else to go,
'cuz his rent I couldn't afford.
Well relationships change,
Oh I think it's kinda strange,
How money makes a man grow.
Some people they claim,
If you get enough fame,
You live over the rainbow.
Over the rainbow..
But the people on the street,
Out on buses or on feet,
We all got the same blood flow.
Oh, in society,
Every dollar got a deed,
We all need a place so we can go,
And feel over the rainbow.
But sometimes,
We forget what we got,
Who we are.
Oh who are are not.
I think we gotta chance,
To make it right.
Keep it loose,
Keep it tight.
Keep it tight.
I'm in love with a girl,
Who's in love with the world,
Though I can't help but follow.
Though I know some day,
She is bound to go away,
And stay over the rainbow.
Gotta learn how to let her go.
Over the rainbow.
Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are.
Oh, who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight.
Keep it loose child,
Keep it tight.
Keep it tight,
Keep it tight,
Yaa..
"Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight"
Well I walked over the bridge
Into the city where I live,
And I saw my old landlord.
Well we both said hello,
There was no where else to go,
'cuz his rent I couldn't afford.
Well relationships change,
Oh I think it's kinda strange,
How money makes a man grow.
Some people they claim,
If you get enough fame,
You live over the rainbow.
Over the rainbow..
But the people on the street,
Out on buses or on feet,
We all got the same blood flow.
Oh, in society,
Every dollar got a deed,
We all need a place so we can go,
And feel over the rainbow.
But sometimes,
We forget what we got,
Who we are.
Oh who are are not.
I think we gotta chance,
To make it right.
Keep it loose,
Keep it tight.
Keep it tight.
I'm in love with a girl,
Who's in love with the world,
Though I can't help but follow.
Though I know some day,
She is bound to go away,
And stay over the rainbow.
Gotta learn how to let her go.
Over the rainbow.
Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are.
Oh, who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight.
Keep it loose child,
Keep it tight.
Keep it tight,
Keep it tight,
Yaa..
Little Bummer
First of all, I get that any disappointments I feel indicate a need for me to move my level of expectations.
But I am SO tired of Cullen's life revolving around sleep. And even MORE tired of hearing his pretty little ideas like "i'm going to wake up early with you and we'll have coffee and snuggle before the day starts." Because I'm eternally optimistic (okay, MOST of the time) and I get my hopes up every time.
He didn't have to work at Fed Ex this morning. We went to bed at a decent time. I don't know why I thought he'd really get up with me, and have coffee with me. My life has been all about getting him "MORE" sleep for all these years, why wouldn't it be that way today too?
I tried to get him up at 7, his normal time. Brushed off. That's the other thing that irritates me. When I have daycare kids here, the last thing I need is to keep being his snooze button. (when IS the last time that I slept in and didn't get up with the kids? WHEN???? Yeah, I can't remember either. He did nap me on Sunday when I wasn't feeling good.) I went back in, irritated at 7:15, and then he tells me "Sorry, I don't need to be up yet, I have that class today...25 more minutes...."
Fantastic.
I lasted 15 because Ethan was playing with his weights that he left in the livingroom.
I said "Can you please get up and take your weights and stuff back downstairs. Maybe you want to say hi to your family before you go to work."
I don't know why I expect anything different from him. Actions speak louder than words.
One of these days I'll just go back into single parent mode and stop counting on him to participate in any way shape or form. As long as HE gets enough sleep, that is ALL that matters.
But I am SO tired of Cullen's life revolving around sleep. And even MORE tired of hearing his pretty little ideas like "i'm going to wake up early with you and we'll have coffee and snuggle before the day starts." Because I'm eternally optimistic (okay, MOST of the time) and I get my hopes up every time.
He didn't have to work at Fed Ex this morning. We went to bed at a decent time. I don't know why I thought he'd really get up with me, and have coffee with me. My life has been all about getting him "MORE" sleep for all these years, why wouldn't it be that way today too?
I tried to get him up at 7, his normal time. Brushed off. That's the other thing that irritates me. When I have daycare kids here, the last thing I need is to keep being his snooze button. (when IS the last time that I slept in and didn't get up with the kids? WHEN???? Yeah, I can't remember either. He did nap me on Sunday when I wasn't feeling good.) I went back in, irritated at 7:15, and then he tells me "Sorry, I don't need to be up yet, I have that class today...25 more minutes...."
Fantastic.
I lasted 15 because Ethan was playing with his weights that he left in the livingroom.
I said "Can you please get up and take your weights and stuff back downstairs. Maybe you want to say hi to your family before you go to work."
I don't know why I expect anything different from him. Actions speak louder than words.
One of these days I'll just go back into single parent mode and stop counting on him to participate in any way shape or form. As long as HE gets enough sleep, that is ALL that matters.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
away we go!
No, for real. I'm going to look at RV's. I think with some serious planning, the very least I'll do is stop feeling stuck. I think we could actually DO this. The biggest expenses would be gas, maintaince, food and curriculum for the kids. And electricity?
I'm going RV shopping. It'll have to be a kick ass one to fit all of us comfortably. We'd be in MN from like June til Jan, then take off and go wherever from Jan til June. Maybe mom and dad would let us park at their pad for that time, we wouldn't take up any extra room in their house...
I'm so all over this.
The things I need to figure out are things like insurance- we'd need insurance. We'd also need to decide some things like employment- when we're "docked" at "home" in MN, are we both working? Is Cullen working? Am I doing seasonal work? When we're off and away, are we not working? Are we working on the fly? Is there a web based business that could keep us going somehow?
Would I wreck my kids by letting them literally have the world be their playground? Would I grow 4 gypsies as restless as their mom? I think we'd all be okay because we'd be docked for 6 months in the same place....
Wouldn't this be the funnest? IS there really any reason we can't do it? We'd literally have NO WHERE that we HAD to be, so we could stop wherever the hell we wanted. You know how on road trips you drive by signs like the Fire of whatever Museum? We could GO there. It wouldn't matter. Learning would be EVERYWHERE, for all of us. Would my kids miss having "solid" friendships with the kids from school, or would they be OUT with so many people and so much of the world that they would feel fulfilled?
We'd need money, I see...for food, gas...unseens. How would we make money on the road if I didn't pimp Cullen out? HAHAHA.
He just called. He's been hearing this for a few days and he is humoring me by listening and helping think up ideas. I THOUGHT he was humoring me. I had said "You should know better than to laugh, in a year I'll have us in a RV across the country!" and he said "Do you seriously think I wouldn't love that?" HUH? Oh, you mean I actually have a shot at this? That all we have to do is dream it up and make it happen? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE???
I'm going RV shopping. It'll have to be a kick ass one to fit all of us comfortably. We'd be in MN from like June til Jan, then take off and go wherever from Jan til June. Maybe mom and dad would let us park at their pad for that time, we wouldn't take up any extra room in their house...
I'm so all over this.
The things I need to figure out are things like insurance- we'd need insurance. We'd also need to decide some things like employment- when we're "docked" at "home" in MN, are we both working? Is Cullen working? Am I doing seasonal work? When we're off and away, are we not working? Are we working on the fly? Is there a web based business that could keep us going somehow?
Would I wreck my kids by letting them literally have the world be their playground? Would I grow 4 gypsies as restless as their mom? I think we'd all be okay because we'd be docked for 6 months in the same place....
Wouldn't this be the funnest? IS there really any reason we can't do it? We'd literally have NO WHERE that we HAD to be, so we could stop wherever the hell we wanted. You know how on road trips you drive by signs like the Fire of whatever Museum? We could GO there. It wouldn't matter. Learning would be EVERYWHERE, for all of us. Would my kids miss having "solid" friendships with the kids from school, or would they be OUT with so many people and so much of the world that they would feel fulfilled?
We'd need money, I see...for food, gas...unseens. How would we make money on the road if I didn't pimp Cullen out? HAHAHA.
He just called. He's been hearing this for a few days and he is humoring me by listening and helping think up ideas. I THOUGHT he was humoring me. I had said "You should know better than to laugh, in a year I'll have us in a RV across the country!" and he said "Do you seriously think I wouldn't love that?" HUH? Oh, you mean I actually have a shot at this? That all we have to do is dream it up and make it happen? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE???
Shoulda been a stripper...
I have a piss poor attitude today about doing daycare. I'm so freakin irritated...
I'm so sick of this stupid world where we pay porn stars and strippers SO much more than we pay the people who are raising our children for us, whether they are daycare providers or teachers, or nanny's.
Oh, sure. There are porn stars who actually like getting the hell f*cked out of them on camera. And there are strippers who get off on the fact that men are so shallow that all it takes are some tits to make their night, and they'll pay to see em. Pathetic, but apparently not THAT pathetic since we pay our teachers so desperately little. We're lucky anyone wants to teach. We're lucky anyone likes kids and wants to be with babies.
I'm irritated because I have put myself in a position- I understand how horribly expensive daycare feels. To have all 4 of mine in this past spring before I got to quit, it was $100/DAY, and that was SUPER CHEAP. So I get it. But I work 10 hour days, and not one family coming here is paying what they'd be paying elsewhere- MY OWN FAULT, I know. And more often than not at 5 oclock at least one kid is still here. That's rude, and I'm going to make it stop.
Here's the good news- it's got my wheels turning. I see opportunity here. Cullen is getting licensed with me because it costs the same and after a year we could take more kids if we wanted. Not everyone would do well working together all day long, but we actually do well together. I don't get sick of him and he doesn't get sick of me. We're pretty blessed that way. In the end, I COULD homeschool because Cullen would be here with the daycare kids. I could do a couple hours of teaching and we could swap or whatever. AND it makes me feel better because there is a need for daycare ANYWHERE which means I do NOT have to stay here. I CAN move to Northfield, onto my dream farm. Or SOUTH. I just have to make it for a little bit longer. And when that happens, or even after we get licensed, the kids we take- we can charge what SHOULD be charged. Even then do you feel like $4/hour is good pay?
And since I'm on it...can I just give a big ole SHOUT OUT to the parents who think they are doing me some kind of favor sending their kid with food? We are eating every 2 hours here as is, and then throw in some infants with their own schedule, and then let your kid bring their own food. they LOVE it when i tell them NO they can't eat it yet. Can you imagine what kind of non stop frenzy would go on if there were not structured eating times? WTF. If you have one or two kids, and that is how "you" ..."run" things in your house, by letting the kids eat whatever they want whenever they want, fine, but that shit does NOT work here.
Oh, and if I've gotten your child off of the bottle and you bring one for him, all you did was upset him because he isn't going to have it here. It spills and gets everywhere, and I already have enough slobber and stuff on my floor and furniture. I'll take the bottle away and put it in a cup and he doesn't care...unless he sees his bottle. Let's just not do that.
And how about the ones who send "special" instructions. Ya'll need a nanny. You're not giving your kids, or me, enough credit. Your kids, yes YOURS, can learn to swim with the rest of the school, and they do. Have a little faith.
Okay. I think my rant is over. I should have been a flippin stripper.
I'm so sick of this stupid world where we pay porn stars and strippers SO much more than we pay the people who are raising our children for us, whether they are daycare providers or teachers, or nanny's.
Oh, sure. There are porn stars who actually like getting the hell f*cked out of them on camera. And there are strippers who get off on the fact that men are so shallow that all it takes are some tits to make their night, and they'll pay to see em. Pathetic, but apparently not THAT pathetic since we pay our teachers so desperately little. We're lucky anyone wants to teach. We're lucky anyone likes kids and wants to be with babies.
I'm irritated because I have put myself in a position- I understand how horribly expensive daycare feels. To have all 4 of mine in this past spring before I got to quit, it was $100/DAY, and that was SUPER CHEAP. So I get it. But I work 10 hour days, and not one family coming here is paying what they'd be paying elsewhere- MY OWN FAULT, I know. And more often than not at 5 oclock at least one kid is still here. That's rude, and I'm going to make it stop.
Here's the good news- it's got my wheels turning. I see opportunity here. Cullen is getting licensed with me because it costs the same and after a year we could take more kids if we wanted. Not everyone would do well working together all day long, but we actually do well together. I don't get sick of him and he doesn't get sick of me. We're pretty blessed that way. In the end, I COULD homeschool because Cullen would be here with the daycare kids. I could do a couple hours of teaching and we could swap or whatever. AND it makes me feel better because there is a need for daycare ANYWHERE which means I do NOT have to stay here. I CAN move to Northfield, onto my dream farm. Or SOUTH. I just have to make it for a little bit longer. And when that happens, or even after we get licensed, the kids we take- we can charge what SHOULD be charged. Even then do you feel like $4/hour is good pay?
And since I'm on it...can I just give a big ole SHOUT OUT to the parents who think they are doing me some kind of favor sending their kid with food? We are eating every 2 hours here as is, and then throw in some infants with their own schedule, and then let your kid bring their own food. they LOVE it when i tell them NO they can't eat it yet. Can you imagine what kind of non stop frenzy would go on if there were not structured eating times? WTF. If you have one or two kids, and that is how "you" ..."run" things in your house, by letting the kids eat whatever they want whenever they want, fine, but that shit does NOT work here.
Oh, and if I've gotten your child off of the bottle and you bring one for him, all you did was upset him because he isn't going to have it here. It spills and gets everywhere, and I already have enough slobber and stuff on my floor and furniture. I'll take the bottle away and put it in a cup and he doesn't care...unless he sees his bottle. Let's just not do that.
And how about the ones who send "special" instructions. Ya'll need a nanny. You're not giving your kids, or me, enough credit. Your kids, yes YOURS, can learn to swim with the rest of the school, and they do. Have a little faith.
Okay. I think my rant is over. I should have been a flippin stripper.
Co creating
I'm watching some co creation go on right now and it's fascinating.
Cullen might not work at Fed Ex anymore.
This would be a dream come true of mine, but not necessarily of his. The benefits are awesome. I'm just pretty much tired of his life revolving around getting enough sleep. He loves the job though.
What it would mean if he GETS FIRED THIS WEEK (I can't use my powers for evil...which means anything that happens is GOOD and RIGHT, right?) is we can go to the cabin for the weekend and not have to take vacation days for it. He could have TWO FULL DAYS OFF like he, and everyone else deserves (want to hear my speech about how bullshit it is that we spend more time with EVERYONE except our families??) (and how many people go home after work and then go out with other people, still not spending real time with the people who are the glue to what we have?). He could sleep normal hours and actually get "enough" sleep.
I don't know what to wish for in regards to this. He says that he wins either way so he isn't concerned and I believe him. But to see so many other people create this moment with him...it's rather intriguing. It looks like something "just happened" last week, "the incident", but to know that many people actually are involved in so many different ways, and Cullen more than anyone else, is weaving what will happen with his thoughts...and that mine are weaved in there also....so much better than any shit on TV.
I can't wait to see what happens.
Cullen might not work at Fed Ex anymore.
This would be a dream come true of mine, but not necessarily of his. The benefits are awesome. I'm just pretty much tired of his life revolving around getting enough sleep. He loves the job though.
What it would mean if he GETS FIRED THIS WEEK (I can't use my powers for evil...which means anything that happens is GOOD and RIGHT, right?) is we can go to the cabin for the weekend and not have to take vacation days for it. He could have TWO FULL DAYS OFF like he, and everyone else deserves (want to hear my speech about how bullshit it is that we spend more time with EVERYONE except our families??) (and how many people go home after work and then go out with other people, still not spending real time with the people who are the glue to what we have?). He could sleep normal hours and actually get "enough" sleep.
I don't know what to wish for in regards to this. He says that he wins either way so he isn't concerned and I believe him. But to see so many other people create this moment with him...it's rather intriguing. It looks like something "just happened" last week, "the incident", but to know that many people actually are involved in so many different ways, and Cullen more than anyone else, is weaving what will happen with his thoughts...and that mine are weaved in there also....so much better than any shit on TV.
I can't wait to see what happens.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Case in Point
WOW. I guess he WAS a man who "got things done".
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,760539,00.html?xid=feed-yahoo-full-mostpopular
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,760539,00.html?xid=feed-yahoo-full-mostpopular
Little Fockers
The little fockers that visit me daily who seem to be sick constantly have finally taken over and conquered.
Everyone except Cullen and Julia is sick.
We're full of snot and coughs.
It's horrid.
I'm drinking caffeine in hopes that I will be able to hoover above the feeling of wanting to crawl back into bed.
It was a good run.
It's probably not good to pop a vicodin to get through the day doing daycare with a cold, right? :D
I'm such a good girl, and that's proof. I have lots of them and I don't take them. I just WANT to a lot. :)
Dear Universe,
Please help me make it through today. And tomorrow and Wed while we're at it. Help this bug pass quickly for all of us.
And please let Spring come soon. Thanks so much.
Everyone except Cullen and Julia is sick.
We're full of snot and coughs.
It's horrid.
I'm drinking caffeine in hopes that I will be able to hoover above the feeling of wanting to crawl back into bed.
It was a good run.
It's probably not good to pop a vicodin to get through the day doing daycare with a cold, right? :D
I'm such a good girl, and that's proof. I have lots of them and I don't take them. I just WANT to a lot. :)
Dear Universe,
Please help me make it through today. And tomorrow and Wed while we're at it. Help this bug pass quickly for all of us.
And please let Spring come soon. Thanks so much.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
And first 2 impulsive steps have been taken!
I don't know if I feel like telling yet, what I've done or what I'm doing. Because it's either going to be *nothing at all* to you anyway and you'll wonder what I'm making such a big deal about, or you'll see what I'm doing and it will make something rise in you, something perhaps unpleasant and aimed at me, and I'm not ready for that yet either. Or you'll roll your eyes, shake your head and walk away indifferent, and that hurts just the same.
But I will tell you that I shared with Cullen the wittle baby I "gave birth" to this morning, and now he's down stairs running, so I let my impulsiveness guide me and I sent it out to two people (neither of which, please dear God, have found this blog. They'd never know what to make of me...). Two people who don't know I'm crazy yet, but are going to shortly.
Anyway- so I did my part. :) Now we'll sit and wait and see what happens next. Isn't it fun?
But I will tell you that I shared with Cullen the wittle baby I "gave birth" to this morning, and now he's down stairs running, so I let my impulsiveness guide me and I sent it out to two people (neither of which, please dear God, have found this blog. They'd never know what to make of me...). Two people who don't know I'm crazy yet, but are going to shortly.
Anyway- so I did my part. :) Now we'll sit and wait and see what happens next. Isn't it fun?
There it is!
I just gave birth to what I was growing inside.
You'll have to be patient for just a little while while I decide if I want to invite you to watch every step from here forward....that's hard, of course. Because you will watch me be totally impulsive (again), and I will either make a complete ass of myself (again) or I will fly, and it's hard to feel like you're standing naked in front of everyone. Which isn't what I will ACTUALLY do, fear not. :)
*stretching*
Man, I feel better. I bet I could levitate right now. Would that freak you out?
Ready for lift off?
You'll have to be patient for just a little while while I decide if I want to invite you to watch every step from here forward....that's hard, of course. Because you will watch me be totally impulsive (again), and I will either make a complete ass of myself (again) or I will fly, and it's hard to feel like you're standing naked in front of everyone. Which isn't what I will ACTUALLY do, fear not. :)
*stretching*
Man, I feel better. I bet I could levitate right now. Would that freak you out?
Ready for lift off?
Why I'm Worth It
Good Morning!
Don't you love the sunshine? I'm so fully alive today. After this, I am going to go run. And do abs. My scars are SCREAMING every time I move. It's awesome. Who knew that after all those babies and surgeries and time, that they even existed anymore? They are clearly there. We'll find em, don't you worry.
I know all of my irritating traits. And I'll list them for you now, before I remind you why you love me, just to balance the scales a little bit. Okay?
1. I am the most turned around horrible person with directions. I can get lost going somewhere around my house. Don't EVER EVER EVER listen to me when I tell you which way to go. I'll be wrong every time. Every. Single. Time. You would LAUGH if you knew. Even in Tampa, I convinced Cullen to go the wrong way. He argued with me the entire time and after I had to finally admit that I was, again wrong, I asked him why he still listens to me after 14 years of this. And it's because I'm such a bull headed little bitch that at some point he has realized that it's pointless to argue with me. Isn't that sad? I HAVE to stop this. It's WAY past time to start trusting him, especially since a blind person should be more trusted than me when it comes to directions. I vow here and now, before you, to knock it off. And I'm sorry that I'm this way. or that I was that way, rather. ;) Ya'll know your way around and I'll just happily follow.
2. I can't leave the radio on one station. I need to find the next song that feels me. I wear the buttons out, literally. How irritating!!! For real! This one I can't change.
3. I really, really, REALLY work on this one, and will continue to, but I don't usually see my body the "right" way. I can tell you right now that my body is AWESOME. I grew these babies and OH GOD how incredible it is to give birth and feel like moving through you....and I can do just fine without my gall bladder and my uterus and my KIDNEY...my body is incredible. I've earned every inch of me. I've earned every scar, every mark, every anything. I love and honor it. Now let's get me naked, in the light. I can point out every single little thing that is so wrong, so so so wrong. Oh GOD....Oh God...there's so much. The only thing that completely saves me is that I am fully aware that even at a size 1, I still see things that are wrong, and the circle is complete...which brings us back to the fact that I just don't see myself right, so I have to trust the people around me instead. And I win. When people think "she's gained weight" or "wow...little extra there..." I agree with them. Win. If people think "looks good!" I win. Best of all is just not caring what anyone thinks, which 98% of the time I don't. My favorite times are when I'm so lost in the *moment* that I don't care in the least what the rest of me looks like or is doing. So...there. Stupid girl sometimes.
4. I'm overwhelming to some people. I feel so f*cking much in every direction that it's overwhelming to lots of people. They don't know how to reach me when I'm way out there happy, way out there sad, way out there lost. Only a few can.
5. I live in Nickiland. According to most of the people around me, it's an odd little world, ruled by an odd little girl. Sometimes this makes me cry. Sometimes I just don't care.
6. I'm impulsive. When I want something, I go after it. I fail at trying to stop myself sometimes. I don't see roadblocks. I don't worry about my safety. All I see is what I want. I've also heard that this is The Way. This is how to get what you want. All I know is that we should all be thankful for all the rational beings around me, the ones with shields us, shaking their heads, wondering why the hell they are having to make what seems like EASY decisions on my behalf, while I'm running in the middle of a busy road wanting to play a game of risk. :)
Okay, there are lots more. I even just wrote one but I erased it, because I can make this list go on forever and ever. I'm a freakin HUMAN BEING. Good God. Next I'll start listing my "sins" and we'll have a book longer than the bible.
So, on to to why I'm so worth it all anyway.
1. I'm worth it because I believe in magic even though people are jackwagons who keep showing me how the tricks are done. Found out how another one was done this morning and I teared up again. But now I know how to make magic for other people, so all is not lost, right? Kinda of. The magic I believe in are the things that can't be seen. The connections between all of us, the vibrations that send off colors in all directions according to what we're thinking and feeling...the way we are touching other people just by thinking of them. There are no coincidences, not even accidents. We are at cause, one way or another, and no matter what it looks like, it's always for the best. Who the hell can argue with that kind of optimism? Sure, it's irritating, but I'm a hell of a lot more fun to hang out with than someone who only sees the bad. Now, my favorites are the ones who look for places that need some light and we decide to go make something better.
2. I love learning. And I have a very, very special place inside of me for the teachers around me, the people who have the patience to come down to my level and talk to me about things that I don't know about. I am not a closed book, I am open, and I want to understand the things that I don't. I don't understand so many things. I don't understand how politics are productive. I don't understand how arguing about Democrats or Republicans is beneficial. I don't understand how government works, because all I see is a mess, I don't understand how people see beauty in any religion (besides the bottom line being that Love Is All There Is)...I don't know about engineering, or aerodynamics, or ...take your pick. But when someone who Does know something about something comes along and can clear way the mess in my head and help me understand.....oh....it means everything to me. I want to know. Show me. I can help then, I can help with things, if I understand better. There are very few things that I would say you are "wrong" about because I don't believe in wrong. I know you see things differently than I do, and your perspective is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Show me!
3. I love everything, most of the time. And it's a big, big, big, big love. This should probably be number one, because since I think that love cures people and love is all that matters and all there is....it IS everything.
4. I know FUNNY, dammit!!!!!! IMPORTANT!
5. I can see people as they Really Are. In fact, right now, I'm focusing on someone, and I'm thinking about how beautiful they are. How wonderful they are. How amazing their mind is, and how there is an endless depth to their thoughts. I'm sending such a big, big love that I know they feel it even if they don't know where it's coming from, but I bet they suddenly feel like going out and DOING something, feel like enjoying the world, good about life right now. I'm sending love and the fact that they are enough, right now, how they are- MORE than enough, and that the good they have done goes way beyond what they think, what they know. They are blind to the gigantic space they hold in the world, as a matter of fact....but I can see.
Ah, there. Wasn't that awesome? Did you feel it? It's one of my little tricks. I can almost make the sun come out. When it's really, really cloudy, I can move them just enough to get a glimpse. This has never not worked. I know I'm nuts, but as long as I believe I can do it, I can.
6. Most of the time I use my powers for good. :) Thank me later.
7. I let my passions drive me. This absolutely ties into #6 above, but I had to make this list longer than THAT list, and it's the truth. My passions drive me, and so I forge ahead without too much of a second thought. Who can fault me for that? No one. They can try, but I win in the end, because at the end of *this* life, people are going to talk to eachother about me, and do you know what they'll say? "She LIVED! She went for it all the time. Remember when she did______! *shaking head* A little reckless, a lot restless, but she went after what she wanted. AND SHE GOT IT."
;)
That's why it's so hard to make a new years resolution list, ya know? I need to be careful for what I wish for because I rarely DON'T get what I want. Don't worry, I still haven't made a list, and I'm trying desperately hard to focus elsewhere, like on what the kids want. I do need to show them that they are magic and that life isn't "work hard for money, feel like you never have enough, die anyway." I want to show them that it actually couldn't be EASIER to have what they want. But that little thing ...whatever it is...has been gnawing on me....and it's something. I can't see what it is yet, but it's something, oh yes it is. Doesn't this make you wish for me to "fail" or for something really bad to happen to me, just to show me? How DARE me think this way and feel so invincible? It's okay if it does. :) I love you anyway.
There. See? The good is more than the bad. Whew. It was a little bit of a stretch. :D You don't want to see what would happen if I stopped coming up with the things that are irritating about me. :D
The sunshine is awastin'!
Don't you love the sunshine? I'm so fully alive today. After this, I am going to go run. And do abs. My scars are SCREAMING every time I move. It's awesome. Who knew that after all those babies and surgeries and time, that they even existed anymore? They are clearly there. We'll find em, don't you worry.
I know all of my irritating traits. And I'll list them for you now, before I remind you why you love me, just to balance the scales a little bit. Okay?
1. I am the most turned around horrible person with directions. I can get lost going somewhere around my house. Don't EVER EVER EVER listen to me when I tell you which way to go. I'll be wrong every time. Every. Single. Time. You would LAUGH if you knew. Even in Tampa, I convinced Cullen to go the wrong way. He argued with me the entire time and after I had to finally admit that I was, again wrong, I asked him why he still listens to me after 14 years of this. And it's because I'm such a bull headed little bitch that at some point he has realized that it's pointless to argue with me. Isn't that sad? I HAVE to stop this. It's WAY past time to start trusting him, especially since a blind person should be more trusted than me when it comes to directions. I vow here and now, before you, to knock it off. And I'm sorry that I'm this way. or that I was that way, rather. ;) Ya'll know your way around and I'll just happily follow.
2. I can't leave the radio on one station. I need to find the next song that feels me. I wear the buttons out, literally. How irritating!!! For real! This one I can't change.
3. I really, really, REALLY work on this one, and will continue to, but I don't usually see my body the "right" way. I can tell you right now that my body is AWESOME. I grew these babies and OH GOD how incredible it is to give birth and feel like moving through you....and I can do just fine without my gall bladder and my uterus and my KIDNEY...my body is incredible. I've earned every inch of me. I've earned every scar, every mark, every anything. I love and honor it. Now let's get me naked, in the light. I can point out every single little thing that is so wrong, so so so wrong. Oh GOD....Oh God...there's so much. The only thing that completely saves me is that I am fully aware that even at a size 1, I still see things that are wrong, and the circle is complete...which brings us back to the fact that I just don't see myself right, so I have to trust the people around me instead. And I win. When people think "she's gained weight" or "wow...little extra there..." I agree with them. Win. If people think "looks good!" I win. Best of all is just not caring what anyone thinks, which 98% of the time I don't. My favorite times are when I'm so lost in the *moment* that I don't care in the least what the rest of me looks like or is doing. So...there. Stupid girl sometimes.
4. I'm overwhelming to some people. I feel so f*cking much in every direction that it's overwhelming to lots of people. They don't know how to reach me when I'm way out there happy, way out there sad, way out there lost. Only a few can.
5. I live in Nickiland. According to most of the people around me, it's an odd little world, ruled by an odd little girl. Sometimes this makes me cry. Sometimes I just don't care.
6. I'm impulsive. When I want something, I go after it. I fail at trying to stop myself sometimes. I don't see roadblocks. I don't worry about my safety. All I see is what I want. I've also heard that this is The Way. This is how to get what you want. All I know is that we should all be thankful for all the rational beings around me, the ones with shields us, shaking their heads, wondering why the hell they are having to make what seems like EASY decisions on my behalf, while I'm running in the middle of a busy road wanting to play a game of risk. :)
Okay, there are lots more. I even just wrote one but I erased it, because I can make this list go on forever and ever. I'm a freakin HUMAN BEING. Good God. Next I'll start listing my "sins" and we'll have a book longer than the bible.
So, on to to why I'm so worth it all anyway.
1. I'm worth it because I believe in magic even though people are jackwagons who keep showing me how the tricks are done. Found out how another one was done this morning and I teared up again. But now I know how to make magic for other people, so all is not lost, right? Kinda of. The magic I believe in are the things that can't be seen. The connections between all of us, the vibrations that send off colors in all directions according to what we're thinking and feeling...the way we are touching other people just by thinking of them. There are no coincidences, not even accidents. We are at cause, one way or another, and no matter what it looks like, it's always for the best. Who the hell can argue with that kind of optimism? Sure, it's irritating, but I'm a hell of a lot more fun to hang out with than someone who only sees the bad. Now, my favorites are the ones who look for places that need some light and we decide to go make something better.
2. I love learning. And I have a very, very special place inside of me for the teachers around me, the people who have the patience to come down to my level and talk to me about things that I don't know about. I am not a closed book, I am open, and I want to understand the things that I don't. I don't understand so many things. I don't understand how politics are productive. I don't understand how arguing about Democrats or Republicans is beneficial. I don't understand how government works, because all I see is a mess, I don't understand how people see beauty in any religion (besides the bottom line being that Love Is All There Is)...I don't know about engineering, or aerodynamics, or ...take your pick. But when someone who Does know something about something comes along and can clear way the mess in my head and help me understand.....oh....it means everything to me. I want to know. Show me. I can help then, I can help with things, if I understand better. There are very few things that I would say you are "wrong" about because I don't believe in wrong. I know you see things differently than I do, and your perspective is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Show me!
3. I love everything, most of the time. And it's a big, big, big, big love. This should probably be number one, because since I think that love cures people and love is all that matters and all there is....it IS everything.
4. I know FUNNY, dammit!!!!!! IMPORTANT!
5. I can see people as they Really Are. In fact, right now, I'm focusing on someone, and I'm thinking about how beautiful they are. How wonderful they are. How amazing their mind is, and how there is an endless depth to their thoughts. I'm sending such a big, big love that I know they feel it even if they don't know where it's coming from, but I bet they suddenly feel like going out and DOING something, feel like enjoying the world, good about life right now. I'm sending love and the fact that they are enough, right now, how they are- MORE than enough, and that the good they have done goes way beyond what they think, what they know. They are blind to the gigantic space they hold in the world, as a matter of fact....but I can see.
Ah, there. Wasn't that awesome? Did you feel it? It's one of my little tricks. I can almost make the sun come out. When it's really, really cloudy, I can move them just enough to get a glimpse. This has never not worked. I know I'm nuts, but as long as I believe I can do it, I can.
6. Most of the time I use my powers for good. :) Thank me later.
7. I let my passions drive me. This absolutely ties into #6 above, but I had to make this list longer than THAT list, and it's the truth. My passions drive me, and so I forge ahead without too much of a second thought. Who can fault me for that? No one. They can try, but I win in the end, because at the end of *this* life, people are going to talk to eachother about me, and do you know what they'll say? "She LIVED! She went for it all the time. Remember when she did______! *shaking head* A little reckless, a lot restless, but she went after what she wanted. AND SHE GOT IT."
;)
That's why it's so hard to make a new years resolution list, ya know? I need to be careful for what I wish for because I rarely DON'T get what I want. Don't worry, I still haven't made a list, and I'm trying desperately hard to focus elsewhere, like on what the kids want. I do need to show them that they are magic and that life isn't "work hard for money, feel like you never have enough, die anyway." I want to show them that it actually couldn't be EASIER to have what they want. But that little thing ...whatever it is...has been gnawing on me....and it's something. I can't see what it is yet, but it's something, oh yes it is. Doesn't this make you wish for me to "fail" or for something really bad to happen to me, just to show me? How DARE me think this way and feel so invincible? It's okay if it does. :) I love you anyway.
There. See? The good is more than the bad. Whew. It was a little bit of a stretch. :D You don't want to see what would happen if I stopped coming up with the things that are irritating about me. :D
The sunshine is awastin'!
Friday, January 14, 2011
WHAT? I'm not a Leo????!!
Oh, well NOW there's going to be an astrological war to end all wars. I am now a Cancer. (oh and ain't that a mouthful...)
HELLO???
First of all- I KNOW. I know, I know, I know. I KNOW- astrology is for the birds, the dogs, whatever you want to say. It's a bunch of shit. We can read about the signs and find a little bit of ourselves in all the signs. I can "fit" into Cancer, as a sign, but How ...
Okay. Let me get this straight.
1. We move time around like it's nothing. We take an hour here, add an hour there, and if you go far enough east or west, we'll change the time for you some more. Unless you're Arizona, who doesn't believe, so they stay the same all the time, while the rest of us jackoff's are losing or giving an hour. Not only that, but the places on the other side of the world are so far ahead of us or behind us that travelling there either puts us in the future or the past. And somehow, this is okay with everyone. Has anyone noticed that time doesn't really exist????????
2. We switch up our ideas constantly of what is okay and what isn't. We pick and choose which "sins" are okay and which aren't. And if the POPE tells us another one is okay (like birth control)...well...we almost have to rewrite the Bible. Which does actually happen. Find the early editions and find one from now and you will find lots of stories missing and a lot of new ones added. How the hell do people just keep putting up with this, and believing this stuff? How come more people aren't questioning the validity of what is being shoved down their throats? Why don't people QUESTION anything???
3. People don't discipline their kids enough. Fricken spank em already. Good Lord. Nothing else you're doing is working.
4. So why would ASTROLOGY be any different? We had to shut down runways at airports to rename them because North isn't even North anymore. Did you hear that? Happened at the Tampa airport while we were there. DID YOU HEAR THAT? NORTH IS MOVING. HELLO.
Of COURSE then astrology will change. The dates will change. Nothing is EVEN REAL!!!!!! It is all illusion. I guess I see why humans want to make things make sense, so they make things up, but it's almost funny sometimes. Nothing here is real. Now I'm a cancer. The good news for all of you is that cancers are MUCH quieter than Leo's, they don't like the spotlight nearly as much as Leo's and we are apparently MUCH more nurturing than Leo's.
However, this is going to be a problem for my sister, who is now a Gemini. She's got a whole lot of work ahead of her.
HELLO???
First of all- I KNOW. I know, I know, I know. I KNOW- astrology is for the birds, the dogs, whatever you want to say. It's a bunch of shit. We can read about the signs and find a little bit of ourselves in all the signs. I can "fit" into Cancer, as a sign, but How ...
Okay. Let me get this straight.
1. We move time around like it's nothing. We take an hour here, add an hour there, and if you go far enough east or west, we'll change the time for you some more. Unless you're Arizona, who doesn't believe, so they stay the same all the time, while the rest of us jackoff's are losing or giving an hour. Not only that, but the places on the other side of the world are so far ahead of us or behind us that travelling there either puts us in the future or the past. And somehow, this is okay with everyone. Has anyone noticed that time doesn't really exist????????
2. We switch up our ideas constantly of what is okay and what isn't. We pick and choose which "sins" are okay and which aren't. And if the POPE tells us another one is okay (like birth control)...well...we almost have to rewrite the Bible. Which does actually happen. Find the early editions and find one from now and you will find lots of stories missing and a lot of new ones added. How the hell do people just keep putting up with this, and believing this stuff? How come more people aren't questioning the validity of what is being shoved down their throats? Why don't people QUESTION anything???
3. People don't discipline their kids enough. Fricken spank em already. Good Lord. Nothing else you're doing is working.
4. So why would ASTROLOGY be any different? We had to shut down runways at airports to rename them because North isn't even North anymore. Did you hear that? Happened at the Tampa airport while we were there. DID YOU HEAR THAT? NORTH IS MOVING. HELLO.
Of COURSE then astrology will change. The dates will change. Nothing is EVEN REAL!!!!!! It is all illusion. I guess I see why humans want to make things make sense, so they make things up, but it's almost funny sometimes. Nothing here is real. Now I'm a cancer. The good news for all of you is that cancers are MUCH quieter than Leo's, they don't like the spotlight nearly as much as Leo's and we are apparently MUCH more nurturing than Leo's.
However, this is going to be a problem for my sister, who is now a Gemini. She's got a whole lot of work ahead of her.
And the fog lifts....and THOSE AREN'T HYSTERECTOMY SCARS!
I found out something. That horrible antsy feeling can't be RUN out of me. Oh, I tried. I ran 8.5mph trying to FEEL something enough to get IT out. Didn't work. Of course, doing SIT UPS works. OF COURSE. What I feel is so deep on the inside, that the only thing that would make me feel like IT was being touched would be to work that general area. That felt awesome. I want to do more because I can feel IT still in there, inside me.
So at least now I have an outlet. And I started writing. That helps too. :) And got the 3rd book in the goofy series I'm in love with. Figured out why I like those too! Because I am a stupid, stupid girl in the end, and the books I love happen to have a boy in there that completely and totally protects the girl, while at the same time, totally and completely letting herself be herself. That's the one difference. Cullen totally and completely protects me, but I don't get to fully be myself. But I shine in enough other ways that most of the time I don't get eaten alive by THIS FEELING.
So, there.
The fog is lifting.
Now, on to the most important thing. Did you know that if you bing images of hysterectomy scars, there is a picture of me on there, with my NOT HYSTERECTOMY SCARS? WHO did that? I'm SO irritated. SO SO SO irritated! Pissed even.
First of all, I have scars from the hysterectomy that no one can see unless you are my obgyn. There are lots of scars that i EARNED by having major surgery on my insides. I am so thankful that I had that surgery but there were a couple of really, really REALLY horrible things about it and *those* scars can't be seen by eyes.
But what's even MORE irritating is how hard I worked to donate a kidney and the fact that THOSE SCARS..those scars deserve to be labeled correctly. Why the fuck doesn't our rule of doubling the consonant if it comes after a vowel work for that word? Is that even the right rule? LABELED. Why am I SUPPOSED to put an extra P in there for SUPPOSED ...oh, but I don't have to double up the S in that word. English is so stupid. Where was I? Those are LOVE scars, not HYSTERECTOMY scars. I'm so irritated. Irritated enough to wonder if I could get my ass into a bikini this summer. That's worthy of a whole other post, and I think I actually COULD get in a bikini but I can't think too hard about it because I'll wreck it.
Those aren't hysterectomy scars, whoever did that. My hysterectomy scars include scars on the inside where my uterus was cut out, and a scar at the top of my vagina where my cervix used to live. And if you want to see the emotional scars, I'll remind you that my ob, whom I love, did me a huge disservice by telling Cullen I'd be ready for sex by 5 weeks, and my husband was busy being a HUGE jackass (and truly, he really isn't..I'm the most spoiled brat in the whole world), and refused to be the least bit understanding when for the first 3 weeks we would try, or he'd do it anyway, I was shaking uncontrollably and having panic attacks, crying and trying not to throw up. I'd tell him to do it anyway because I had to get my body to realize that it was okay, but the fact that he would get mad and frustrated...oooh I'm ready to beat some ass over it again right now. MAD at his naked, shaking from head to foot, hyperventilating, crying wife, who doesn't know any more than he does why her body is freaking out, and who, let's face it, just had some seriously major surgery. I had sex after the kids were born at 4 weeks (for the last 3 anyway)...I am fully capable...and I was falling apart. It was a nightmare. It felt like being raped. How's that for a picture? Can you capture how that made me feel and what that did for me? What does THAT scar look like to you? If someone is going to post a picture of my hysterectomy scars, THAT is what they should have posted. Good luck with that.
So at least now I have an outlet. And I started writing. That helps too. :) And got the 3rd book in the goofy series I'm in love with. Figured out why I like those too! Because I am a stupid, stupid girl in the end, and the books I love happen to have a boy in there that completely and totally protects the girl, while at the same time, totally and completely letting herself be herself. That's the one difference. Cullen totally and completely protects me, but I don't get to fully be myself. But I shine in enough other ways that most of the time I don't get eaten alive by THIS FEELING.
So, there.
The fog is lifting.
Now, on to the most important thing. Did you know that if you bing images of hysterectomy scars, there is a picture of me on there, with my NOT HYSTERECTOMY SCARS? WHO did that? I'm SO irritated. SO SO SO irritated! Pissed even.
First of all, I have scars from the hysterectomy that no one can see unless you are my obgyn. There are lots of scars that i EARNED by having major surgery on my insides. I am so thankful that I had that surgery but there were a couple of really, really REALLY horrible things about it and *those* scars can't be seen by eyes.
But what's even MORE irritating is how hard I worked to donate a kidney and the fact that THOSE SCARS..those scars deserve to be labeled correctly. Why the fuck doesn't our rule of doubling the consonant if it comes after a vowel work for that word? Is that even the right rule? LABELED. Why am I SUPPOSED to put an extra P in there for SUPPOSED ...oh, but I don't have to double up the S in that word. English is so stupid. Where was I? Those are LOVE scars, not HYSTERECTOMY scars. I'm so irritated. Irritated enough to wonder if I could get my ass into a bikini this summer. That's worthy of a whole other post, and I think I actually COULD get in a bikini but I can't think too hard about it because I'll wreck it.
Those aren't hysterectomy scars, whoever did that. My hysterectomy scars include scars on the inside where my uterus was cut out, and a scar at the top of my vagina where my cervix used to live. And if you want to see the emotional scars, I'll remind you that my ob, whom I love, did me a huge disservice by telling Cullen I'd be ready for sex by 5 weeks, and my husband was busy being a HUGE jackass (and truly, he really isn't..I'm the most spoiled brat in the whole world), and refused to be the least bit understanding when for the first 3 weeks we would try, or he'd do it anyway, I was shaking uncontrollably and having panic attacks, crying and trying not to throw up. I'd tell him to do it anyway because I had to get my body to realize that it was okay, but the fact that he would get mad and frustrated...oooh I'm ready to beat some ass over it again right now. MAD at his naked, shaking from head to foot, hyperventilating, crying wife, who doesn't know any more than he does why her body is freaking out, and who, let's face it, just had some seriously major surgery. I had sex after the kids were born at 4 weeks (for the last 3 anyway)...I am fully capable...and I was falling apart. It was a nightmare. It felt like being raped. How's that for a picture? Can you capture how that made me feel and what that did for me? What does THAT scar look like to you? If someone is going to post a picture of my hysterectomy scars, THAT is what they should have posted. Good luck with that.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
These Mockingbirds won't let me shine...
Devastation at last
Finally we meet
After all of these years
Out here on the street
I had a feeling you would
Make yourself known
You came along
Just to claim your place on the throne
And I have been overthrown, overthrown
I thought if I towed the right line...
But these Mockingbirds
Won't let me shine
Devastation my door
Was left open wide
You brought me into your heart
Then you swallowed my pride
I had a feeling you were
Hiding your thoughts
I made a note to myself
I nearly forgot
Now I am overwrought
I'm overwrought
And I thought if I towed the right line
But these Mockingbirds
Won't let me shine
One day
This ground will break
And open up for me
I hope it will
I hope it will
Salutations at last
Down on my knees
I heard the bugle this morn
Blast Reveille
Woke from a dream
Where I was in a terrible realm
All my sails were ablaze
I was chained to the helm
And now I am overwhelmed
I'm overwhelmed
And I thought if I towed the right line
But these Mockingbirds
Won't let me shine
Finally we meet
After all of these years
Out here on the street
I had a feeling you would
Make yourself known
You came along
Just to claim your place on the throne
And I have been overthrown, overthrown
I thought if I towed the right line...
But these Mockingbirds
Won't let me shine
Devastation my door
Was left open wide
You brought me into your heart
Then you swallowed my pride
I had a feeling you were
Hiding your thoughts
I made a note to myself
I nearly forgot
Now I am overwrought
I'm overwrought
And I thought if I towed the right line
But these Mockingbirds
Won't let me shine
One day
This ground will break
And open up for me
I hope it will
I hope it will
Salutations at last
Down on my knees
I heard the bugle this morn
Blast Reveille
Woke from a dream
Where I was in a terrible realm
All my sails were ablaze
I was chained to the helm
And now I am overwhelmed
I'm overwhelmed
And I thought if I towed the right line
But these Mockingbirds
Won't let me shine
I'm TRYING here, people!
I KNOW better than to be disappointed by people. It's pointless and all it means is that I'm having expectations that I "shouldn't".
Roger The Furnace Guy came. He's "busy". He doesn't have time to put in a furnace, so he brought along a new blower to get us through, but since that would take "time" also, he decided to just oil the hell out of the one that burned out and leave. "That should hold you til Tuesday. Call me if it goes out again." Um...yeah, because you coming back here would THRILL YOU. WHY take care of it NOW when you can try to find time to come back and crab at me some more?
Fantastic. It keeps trying to kick on and it's just not happening.
I am not disppointed. I am not disappointed. I am not disappointed. All agendas are being met even though I don't understand why or how this is serving anyone at all.
Gotta go turn some space heaters on and make a call.
Roger The Furnace Guy came. He's "busy". He doesn't have time to put in a furnace, so he brought along a new blower to get us through, but since that would take "time" also, he decided to just oil the hell out of the one that burned out and leave. "That should hold you til Tuesday. Call me if it goes out again." Um...yeah, because you coming back here would THRILL YOU. WHY take care of it NOW when you can try to find time to come back and crab at me some more?
Fantastic. It keeps trying to kick on and it's just not happening.
I am not disppointed. I am not disappointed. I am not disappointed. All agendas are being met even though I don't understand why or how this is serving anyone at all.
Gotta go turn some space heaters on and make a call.
I shall make it so!
I HAVE to be at my most creative during these crazy periods because I can't shut UP.
I finally unwrapped the last of the gifts. I haven't had the heart to because I knew it would give me tears. These are the gifts that the kids bought or found and wrapped for their friends. Their crappy mom with the crappy follow through never drove around the cities as intended, to deliver them. :(
I love CJ's heart- he actually used his own money to buy some little gifts for his favorite friends. He got Brett Ring Pops. It was Keegan's that really got me though. I never realized how much CJ sounds like me until I read his card to Keegan (okay, that and his FL post on FB sounded like me, the way he kept using the word AMAZING! heheheheh). He got Keegan baseball cards. On the card that CJ made him he wrote "Thank you for being one of the best friends ever. Your friend, CJ" That doesn't sound like much to you maybe, but I had nothing to do with any of it. He bought the gifts when he was with my mom or Cullen, and I wasn't paying any attention when he made the card because I didn't WANT to be a part of it. Now I feel sad that Keegan doesn't know about it, but CJ said he feels like it's too late to bring Christmas gifts to school, so I unwrapped them.
Keegan's parents are going through a messy divorce. There are 3 boys, Keegan's in the middle, and he is your typical really, really well behaved middle child. I really REALLY adore him. And seeing how the divorce is affecting him has reminded me of WHY people choose to stay together for the kids. It's really hard on him. I don't know if it would be any less hard if his parents weren't fighting so much about everything, and i don't know what the fights are about. Abuse? Infidelity? Resentment built up? Work? Money? I don't know, but it's sad to see. Keegan is SO cute though, and such a good boy. At the VIP for CJ, Keegan and he were sitting next to one another. CJ hadn't seen me, but they saw my mom on her way to the house WAY early in the morning, so they knew SOMEONE got it, and Julia already had, so it had to be either Josh or CJ. Keegan eventually spotted me first and he whispers to CJ, after the 2nd grade VIPs were given out and Josh wasn't called "Uh- oh....I think I'm sitting next to the VIP!" Isn't that cute? I love that kid.
I should write a book. That would help me use up my imagination and my words and save you guys the time that you spend reading a bunch of blah blah blah. The problem is is that I would have to do it "on my own". Cullen wouldn't want to read it because he's even more jealous of my imagination than he is of everyone in real life. He imagines-- not completely incorrectly, that I'm recalling something I've felt or experienced in some of the things I write. I kick ASS at poetry, did you know that? KICK ASS at it, but I am not allowed to write it. The one time he found some and read through it, he was down and out for weeks, thinking about who I was writing about and what things spurred me to say such things. I don't know if it's worth him feeling like I'm keeping something from him, to write or not. Can you imagine if he read this blog????? He hates that I have it anyway, but he doesn't read it- so he wonders what's in here that he doesn't know about. He will make himself crazy some day that way, possibly. Would me writing push him over the edge? Is it wrong to write a book in secret????
Caiden is always sick. Kimmy says he was fine for the 5 days that he wasn't here. Must be his brand new weak ass immune system or something because none of us are sick. *SIGH*
End of blah blah blah.
I finally unwrapped the last of the gifts. I haven't had the heart to because I knew it would give me tears. These are the gifts that the kids bought or found and wrapped for their friends. Their crappy mom with the crappy follow through never drove around the cities as intended, to deliver them. :(
I love CJ's heart- he actually used his own money to buy some little gifts for his favorite friends. He got Brett Ring Pops. It was Keegan's that really got me though. I never realized how much CJ sounds like me until I read his card to Keegan (okay, that and his FL post on FB sounded like me, the way he kept using the word AMAZING! heheheheh). He got Keegan baseball cards. On the card that CJ made him he wrote "Thank you for being one of the best friends ever. Your friend, CJ" That doesn't sound like much to you maybe, but I had nothing to do with any of it. He bought the gifts when he was with my mom or Cullen, and I wasn't paying any attention when he made the card because I didn't WANT to be a part of it. Now I feel sad that Keegan doesn't know about it, but CJ said he feels like it's too late to bring Christmas gifts to school, so I unwrapped them.
Keegan's parents are going through a messy divorce. There are 3 boys, Keegan's in the middle, and he is your typical really, really well behaved middle child. I really REALLY adore him. And seeing how the divorce is affecting him has reminded me of WHY people choose to stay together for the kids. It's really hard on him. I don't know if it would be any less hard if his parents weren't fighting so much about everything, and i don't know what the fights are about. Abuse? Infidelity? Resentment built up? Work? Money? I don't know, but it's sad to see. Keegan is SO cute though, and such a good boy. At the VIP for CJ, Keegan and he were sitting next to one another. CJ hadn't seen me, but they saw my mom on her way to the house WAY early in the morning, so they knew SOMEONE got it, and Julia already had, so it had to be either Josh or CJ. Keegan eventually spotted me first and he whispers to CJ, after the 2nd grade VIPs were given out and Josh wasn't called "Uh- oh....I think I'm sitting next to the VIP!" Isn't that cute? I love that kid.
I should write a book. That would help me use up my imagination and my words and save you guys the time that you spend reading a bunch of blah blah blah. The problem is is that I would have to do it "on my own". Cullen wouldn't want to read it because he's even more jealous of my imagination than he is of everyone in real life. He imagines-- not completely incorrectly, that I'm recalling something I've felt or experienced in some of the things I write. I kick ASS at poetry, did you know that? KICK ASS at it, but I am not allowed to write it. The one time he found some and read through it, he was down and out for weeks, thinking about who I was writing about and what things spurred me to say such things. I don't know if it's worth him feeling like I'm keeping something from him, to write or not. Can you imagine if he read this blog????? He hates that I have it anyway, but he doesn't read it- so he wonders what's in here that he doesn't know about. He will make himself crazy some day that way, possibly. Would me writing push him over the edge? Is it wrong to write a book in secret????
Caiden is always sick. Kimmy says he was fine for the 5 days that he wasn't here. Must be his brand new weak ass immune system or something because none of us are sick. *SIGH*
End of blah blah blah.
Meditation
I can no longer meditate. I can levitate, but not meditate (no, I can't) (which is why i can't. plus they tell me that david blaine doesn't really levitate at all, haters!).
Isn't that weird? I can meditate when I'm listening to a meditation and being guided. Maybe I just need to go that route. I used to be able to do it on my own, but I honestly can NOT shut my head up.
I feel like a good part of my day is a walking meditation. I feed myself some pretty good stuff all day long and I really like to focus on what I'm doing, and feel it. When I'm doing guided meditation I fall fast asleep, almost instantly. I'm a hypnotizers DREAM. I can self hypnotize pretty quickly, but again, I can't not fall deeply asleep right away. When I used to be able to meditate by myself, I could actually get to heaven. I could reach this crazy point of Knowing and it ROCKED. I think I keep the Knowing around as much as I can, but I want to go back to that SPACE where ...it was just so good.
I've checked out meditation books from the library, ready tons of stuff online and I just can't clear out all the noise. WHYYYYYY?
How do I declutter my head? It's full of info about where each kid is, when they will be back, what I need to do before the next sunrise hits, what I can't do til the next sunrise hits, what's for breakfast, lunch, dinner, when I need to start it, what laundry is waiting to be put away, did I call Cullen's mom today, How did Ethan get in there, oops gotta warm up a bottle, how much milk is left for the babies, did I write down Adalane's info, what project should i do for learning time today...on and on and on. I fall right asleep at the end of the day, going to my secret safe place where I CAN focus (don't you wish you KNEW??? hah!)...
but it's not meditation.
Hm.
Isn't that weird? I can meditate when I'm listening to a meditation and being guided. Maybe I just need to go that route. I used to be able to do it on my own, but I honestly can NOT shut my head up.
I feel like a good part of my day is a walking meditation. I feed myself some pretty good stuff all day long and I really like to focus on what I'm doing, and feel it. When I'm doing guided meditation I fall fast asleep, almost instantly. I'm a hypnotizers DREAM. I can self hypnotize pretty quickly, but again, I can't not fall deeply asleep right away. When I used to be able to meditate by myself, I could actually get to heaven. I could reach this crazy point of Knowing and it ROCKED. I think I keep the Knowing around as much as I can, but I want to go back to that SPACE where ...it was just so good.
I've checked out meditation books from the library, ready tons of stuff online and I just can't clear out all the noise. WHYYYYYY?
How do I declutter my head? It's full of info about where each kid is, when they will be back, what I need to do before the next sunrise hits, what I can't do til the next sunrise hits, what's for breakfast, lunch, dinner, when I need to start it, what laundry is waiting to be put away, did I call Cullen's mom today, How did Ethan get in there, oops gotta warm up a bottle, how much milk is left for the babies, did I write down Adalane's info, what project should i do for learning time today...on and on and on. I fall right asleep at the end of the day, going to my secret safe place where I CAN focus (don't you wish you KNEW??? hah!)...
but it's not meditation.
Hm.
OOPS I did it again
It's so funny!!!
Well, it's not. But...
For the 3rd day in a row, I somehow messed up the alarm. THIRD DAY. Have I become an incompetent nincompoop? Monday when it went off at 3:45am for Cullen, I said out loud WHAT THE HELL?! and I reset it for 6am without waking him up. He realized what happened at about 4am, and got to work late, but got there. Yesterday he did actually get up and get to work on time, but set the alarm for 4 something, so when it went off I was uber confused all over again and he was no where to be found since he was already at work. This morning it was set, turned on, and I don't know why it didn't go off. Must be something in the air.
Our upstairs stayed nice and toasty last night. The boys' room down stairs is warm but the rest of the basement is getting chilly willy. I'm wondering if i should put one of these bad ass wittle space heaters down there and start a fire and start baking.
I feel much better. I feel like something got aligned again. It's 6am and I'm WIDE awake and ready to freakin GO. Maybe it was the running last night. I don't know, but whatever is "better" is better. I should look back and see if there's a cycle to this madness. I wish I could make you feel what it feels like - it's the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. I literally feel stuck in my body, trapped in every sense of the word and like I need to find a way to get OUT. I don't know any other way to explain it, but I need to do SOMETHING (which is the less insane way of saying that, I supose).
Ethan will be back today. That should help me stay so busy I can't see straight.
The only left over feeling is the one that comes from knowing that all of it sounds so crazy and doesn't make any sense and reminds me that unless everyone feels that way (maybe they do?) that I'm on an island, a bizarro Nicki island where one, crazy whackjob lives, and it's very, very lonely sometimes.
Humpday is DONE. So is the coffee. And I'm READY.
Well, it's not. But...
For the 3rd day in a row, I somehow messed up the alarm. THIRD DAY. Have I become an incompetent nincompoop? Monday when it went off at 3:45am for Cullen, I said out loud WHAT THE HELL?! and I reset it for 6am without waking him up. He realized what happened at about 4am, and got to work late, but got there. Yesterday he did actually get up and get to work on time, but set the alarm for 4 something, so when it went off I was uber confused all over again and he was no where to be found since he was already at work. This morning it was set, turned on, and I don't know why it didn't go off. Must be something in the air.
Our upstairs stayed nice and toasty last night. The boys' room down stairs is warm but the rest of the basement is getting chilly willy. I'm wondering if i should put one of these bad ass wittle space heaters down there and start a fire and start baking.
I feel much better. I feel like something got aligned again. It's 6am and I'm WIDE awake and ready to freakin GO. Maybe it was the running last night. I don't know, but whatever is "better" is better. I should look back and see if there's a cycle to this madness. I wish I could make you feel what it feels like - it's the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. I literally feel stuck in my body, trapped in every sense of the word and like I need to find a way to get OUT. I don't know any other way to explain it, but I need to do SOMETHING (which is the less insane way of saying that, I supose).
Ethan will be back today. That should help me stay so busy I can't see straight.
The only left over feeling is the one that comes from knowing that all of it sounds so crazy and doesn't make any sense and reminds me that unless everyone feels that way (maybe they do?) that I'm on an island, a bizarro Nicki island where one, crazy whackjob lives, and it's very, very lonely sometimes.
Humpday is DONE. So is the coffee. And I'm READY.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Is there a point?
I know SO MUCH and I understand at least as much of everything as I don't....so I don't know why I do this to myself, and I MUST be doing it to myself.
I feel caged and trapped and furious about the fact that I can't be ME out loud fully to ANYONE. Have you realized that? Do any of you who read this...have you actually been completely honest with even ONE other person about EVERYTHING you've done, thought, wanted, wished for? Have you? I supose that No One Has, and that I am just a stupid whiny Leo cat. I feel trapped in this house (which, by the way, has no heat right now. Thank GOD I don't own this house and the new furnace I'll have tomorrow won't cost me a thing!), we live 4 houses from the kids' school and it's stupid to want to move, but I just need to do SOMETHING. I feel stuck in MN because of our families and how much we love them. I feel stuck in this stupid body where I can't even find ONE PERSON to be honest with. Cullen is as close as it comes and that isn't because I've TOLD him all my secrets, it's more because he feels them on some insane level and calls me out, and I deny the things he calls me out on. Seriously. Who's other half warns them "you have to be careful with people, you love everyone so much and you hurt so many because of it." Mine, that's who. I want to be free and I want to fly and I want to stand infront of one person, one person who can know every.little.thing. I've said, thunk or done and have them LIKE ALL OF IT, and UNDERSTAND ALL OF IT. And no, I don't have to say Jesus saved me in order for God to do that, but it wouldn't hurt me one bit to have God materialize right now and remind me that I AM actually free.
Then another thought occurred to me: This is what happens usually before I do SOMETHING! I quite possibly am at my most creative when I'm in this hellish hellhole spiral that almost eats me alive. NOTHING makes sense to me right now NOTHING. And it scares me because *I* don't know what I'm going to do half the time.
UGH.
So look out, bitches. I'm about to break down these walls one way or another. GAH. GET. ME.OUT.OF.HERE.
Did you know we have no heat? Correction- we have space heaters. Furnace out. New one tomorrow, at the expense of our darling owners. :) There goes my plans for owning a house. Who the hell wants to have to pay for that kind of bullshit? And how can i pick up and move if I own a place? I've been researching the wrong things. And I can't move anyway. WTF!
I feel caged and trapped and furious about the fact that I can't be ME out loud fully to ANYONE. Have you realized that? Do any of you who read this...have you actually been completely honest with even ONE other person about EVERYTHING you've done, thought, wanted, wished for? Have you? I supose that No One Has, and that I am just a stupid whiny Leo cat. I feel trapped in this house (which, by the way, has no heat right now. Thank GOD I don't own this house and the new furnace I'll have tomorrow won't cost me a thing!), we live 4 houses from the kids' school and it's stupid to want to move, but I just need to do SOMETHING. I feel stuck in MN because of our families and how much we love them. I feel stuck in this stupid body where I can't even find ONE PERSON to be honest with. Cullen is as close as it comes and that isn't because I've TOLD him all my secrets, it's more because he feels them on some insane level and calls me out, and I deny the things he calls me out on. Seriously. Who's other half warns them "you have to be careful with people, you love everyone so much and you hurt so many because of it." Mine, that's who. I want to be free and I want to fly and I want to stand infront of one person, one person who can know every.little.thing. I've said, thunk or done and have them LIKE ALL OF IT, and UNDERSTAND ALL OF IT. And no, I don't have to say Jesus saved me in order for God to do that, but it wouldn't hurt me one bit to have God materialize right now and remind me that I AM actually free.
Then another thought occurred to me: This is what happens usually before I do SOMETHING! I quite possibly am at my most creative when I'm in this hellish hellhole spiral that almost eats me alive. NOTHING makes sense to me right now NOTHING. And it scares me because *I* don't know what I'm going to do half the time.
UGH.
So look out, bitches. I'm about to break down these walls one way or another. GAH. GET. ME.OUT.OF.HERE.
Did you know we have no heat? Correction- we have space heaters. Furnace out. New one tomorrow, at the expense of our darling owners. :) There goes my plans for owning a house. Who the hell wants to have to pay for that kind of bullshit? And how can i pick up and move if I own a place? I've been researching the wrong things. And I can't move anyway. WTF!
What NOT to say to your wife
In case you need a handbook, and are without forethought, here is something to NOT say to your wife....
"keep eating those chocolates and you'll be able to be on Biggest Loser!"
SILENCE
"Um..that didn't sound good. I just meant so you could meet your boyfriend (Bob)."
SILENCE
"this is getting worse and worse, right."
"keep eating those chocolates and you'll be able to be on Biggest Loser!"
SILENCE
"Um..that didn't sound good. I just meant so you could meet your boyfriend (Bob)."
SILENCE
"this is getting worse and worse, right."
Ah...the challenge!
I found it! I found the challenge I've been looking for, and I embrace it with joy!
It's in the kids! Of course! Why I didn't see it before, I am unsure.
I am going to show my kids magic. I am going to help them remember, NOW, while they are young, WHY it is that we tell them they can do anything, be anything, etc. We all say it and none of us really back it up. Oh, we say...you can do that if you work hard, and sweat, and throw in a little blood, sure, THEN you can have it, when you are all grown up, but first you have to get all A's and get into certain schools and get certain pieces of paper telling you that you can go THAT way, but DON'T EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND or that piece of paper is no longer good and you have to go through the WHOLE PROCESS all over again.
STUPID. And why would anyone feel like trying then?
Instead, I'm going to show them NOW that they can dream BIG, REALLY BIG and get what they'd like. I'll show you, too! And me!
CJ and Josh are going to make lists of things they'd like to be, have and do. Tonight we are going to catagorize them, no matter what they are, and make babystep goals and then I am going to guide them while they actually accomplish those things. They can't clearly see that this is how we operate every single day of our lives and that most of the time we do it unconciously, so it looks like things "happen" to us and we are constantly reacting to life....and then we miss the things like the fact that they/we dreamed up our perfect trip to Florida, and then created it and made it happen. I'm going to show them how to consciously get whatever it is they want. If they know it NOW think of all the things that can do their WHOLE LIVES.
Yes! And I clearly need a challenge right now, since I have the urge to pack up and leave, move, go somewhere else and do something new. Josh's list is going to include crazy things like designing a roller coaster and starring on a TV show, so I have my work cut out for us, don't you think?
We are about to engage the magic, friends! *waving wand around*
It's in the kids! Of course! Why I didn't see it before, I am unsure.
I am going to show my kids magic. I am going to help them remember, NOW, while they are young, WHY it is that we tell them they can do anything, be anything, etc. We all say it and none of us really back it up. Oh, we say...you can do that if you work hard, and sweat, and throw in a little blood, sure, THEN you can have it, when you are all grown up, but first you have to get all A's and get into certain schools and get certain pieces of paper telling you that you can go THAT way, but DON'T EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND or that piece of paper is no longer good and you have to go through the WHOLE PROCESS all over again.
STUPID. And why would anyone feel like trying then?
Instead, I'm going to show them NOW that they can dream BIG, REALLY BIG and get what they'd like. I'll show you, too! And me!
CJ and Josh are going to make lists of things they'd like to be, have and do. Tonight we are going to catagorize them, no matter what they are, and make babystep goals and then I am going to guide them while they actually accomplish those things. They can't clearly see that this is how we operate every single day of our lives and that most of the time we do it unconciously, so it looks like things "happen" to us and we are constantly reacting to life....and then we miss the things like the fact that they/we dreamed up our perfect trip to Florida, and then created it and made it happen. I'm going to show them how to consciously get whatever it is they want. If they know it NOW think of all the things that can do their WHOLE LIVES.
Yes! And I clearly need a challenge right now, since I have the urge to pack up and leave, move, go somewhere else and do something new. Josh's list is going to include crazy things like designing a roller coaster and starring on a TV show, so I have my work cut out for us, don't you think?
We are about to engage the magic, friends! *waving wand around*
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Who can find it?
I know a couple of you have already seen this, but for the rest: Can you find the inappropriate action being made by my precious Josh?
I am going to have to have a discussion with him. Maybe it will be much shorter than I think it will. Maybe he knows what it means and just needs to know that doing that in public is NOT okay. Not the actual ACT but the thing with the fingers and the tongue-hah!
I decided I'll ask him if he knows what it means. If he doesn't- how much do I tell him? He's SEVEN.
HELP!
It's little but it still counts.
This morning..actually, it started last night, I felt an unsettling feeling...
I should be used to this, and since you read my head, you probably see it coming a long time before I do, maybe....every winter I want to MOVE. I want to get away from here, and that leaves me feeling stuck, and even worse...blanketed by a lack of hope. It's frozen, there's mucho snow everywhere, my body is CRAVING warmth and sunshine...I feel stuck. that's the WORST feeling EVER. Feeling stuck in the house. Full of kids. Overrun with kids.
Today I'm even a little more nervous because the neighbor kids will be here. They shouldn't make me nervous, they practically live here, but you don't understand. They don't trust me yet. They fly under my radar as much as they can. They don't eat normally, and they lie without blinking their big brown eyes. Plus, they live across the street, and I'm terrified that after a few days here they will cry about coming here. Silly? Chances are greater that they will LIKE boundries, and they will GROW and FLOURISH as I sit with them and help them learn instead of letting them play the F*CKING Wii all day long. But as my ever wise husband said "You are going to have to rely on some serious patience, first."
So anyway, getting up this morning didn't feel fun. I feel like Florida set me back a little bit. We should have waited til late February when spring didn't feel like it was a million miles away, like it does now.
Then- and I warned you this was little- Ethan's mom called. He won't be here today. I'm down one infant and one 15 month old today. That doesn't sound like much but until you come over here and watch the insanity, you can't understand that that's HUGE. Ethan is such a good baby but he's very busy and this is going to help me today, help me get the other two on the same page as I am. I'm so happy. Now I have to get a game plan for C and S.
I can do it. Right? I am going to make it through this next few stupid cold, gross months, and the days and weeks will fly by because of daycare and because I wish it so, and I'm going to survive it.
Shannon is my new friend on facebook. :) Our kidneyversary is coming up in 2 more days!
I should be used to this, and since you read my head, you probably see it coming a long time before I do, maybe....every winter I want to MOVE. I want to get away from here, and that leaves me feeling stuck, and even worse...blanketed by a lack of hope. It's frozen, there's mucho snow everywhere, my body is CRAVING warmth and sunshine...I feel stuck. that's the WORST feeling EVER. Feeling stuck in the house. Full of kids. Overrun with kids.
Today I'm even a little more nervous because the neighbor kids will be here. They shouldn't make me nervous, they practically live here, but you don't understand. They don't trust me yet. They fly under my radar as much as they can. They don't eat normally, and they lie without blinking their big brown eyes. Plus, they live across the street, and I'm terrified that after a few days here they will cry about coming here. Silly? Chances are greater that they will LIKE boundries, and they will GROW and FLOURISH as I sit with them and help them learn instead of letting them play the F*CKING Wii all day long. But as my ever wise husband said "You are going to have to rely on some serious patience, first."
So anyway, getting up this morning didn't feel fun. I feel like Florida set me back a little bit. We should have waited til late February when spring didn't feel like it was a million miles away, like it does now.
Then- and I warned you this was little- Ethan's mom called. He won't be here today. I'm down one infant and one 15 month old today. That doesn't sound like much but until you come over here and watch the insanity, you can't understand that that's HUGE. Ethan is such a good baby but he's very busy and this is going to help me today, help me get the other two on the same page as I am. I'm so happy. Now I have to get a game plan for C and S.
I can do it. Right? I am going to make it through this next few stupid cold, gross months, and the days and weeks will fly by because of daycare and because I wish it so, and I'm going to survive it.
Shannon is my new friend on facebook. :) Our kidneyversary is coming up in 2 more days!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Pics
Camera's do more harm than good. You can't even tell that the sunset was TIME STOPPING. It looks like a ...sunset- the "big whoop" kind (are any? really?). The ocean isn't the same color that it really is. Nothing is nearly as good as it truly is. But this pic is as close as I got to telling the true story of the colors, and the vibration and the energy. Close.
I shouldn't be surprised, this is a world where we regularly subtract and hour, add an hour, and switch "time" around according to where we are. How in the world do I think I would be able to catch heaven on film?
talk talk
1. Me: Did you know that all of us are walking around not *really* knowing what we look like? Mirrors are not what we really look like and neither are pictures. Isn't that funny?
Cullen, trying to stop my prattle: Yes, funny.
Me: Did you just hear what I said??? Don't you get it? Isn't it weird????
Cullen, trying harder to stop my prattle: VERY weird. *starts petting my hair to put me to sleep*
Me: How come you are okay with it? You are seeing yourself backwards in the mirror. That's not the you that I see.
Cullen: Oh, dear. Here, let me tickle your back...
Conversation #2
Me: Don't you recognize the people in the airport? Have you noticed that EVERYONE looks familiar?
Cullen, taking a dive: yes.
HAHAH. Okay, I don't totally blame him. After 14 years together, he's heard PLENTY of my insane thoughts, and I don't blame him for not wanting to dive into any of it much further. But just sometimes I get so HUNGRY for something REAL, something deeper, something that lets me know that there's more out there than "how's the weather?" "Have a nice trip?" and "How'd you sleep last night?"
Things like the warm spot on a baby's neck, where it's soft and smells like them and contains all that is important in life.
Things like talking about that person you met once that changed you for the better for ever.
Or how to comfort the dying.
And how to Really Be Alive.
What dream to dream next, what to make happen.
Tell me about the miracle that happened to the "nobody" down in Georgia the other day, the miracle that should really be told to everyone in the universe, but not enough people will ever know. I want to know about it.
I sat next to a man who used to sail for a living. He sailed the Pacific. He sailed at Alaska. Can you imagine? I could have listened to him forever. Give me the DETAILS. Make me BE THERE.
People keep saying "tell me about your trip" and I give them the aqua water, the white beaches, the warm pool, the glorious sun, because I (stupidly?) think that's what they want. I didn't tell them how the decor in our room almost made me cry because I loved the art so much, or how the music that plays all day and night reminded me of Mexico and I felt like I reconciled something big about that "loss" this time, in Florida...or how I could see Julia at 30 when she was talking to me about Captain Redbeard, or how I noticed her walking different, proudly, after her friend Chloe saw her and called out hello in passing. How Jordan floated in the middle of the pool for and hour with floaties on, waiting for CJ and Josh to come back from playing putt putt because he was so excited to show them where he was in the pool....how I noticed CJ carefully NOT noticing the girl his age who walked past him when we were playing ping pong....the way my heart burst when CJ turned around on the airplane and said "MOMMY, can I have a sprite when they come by?" MOMMY? YAY!!!! How Josh TRIED to do a flip on the bungee trampoline but couldn't quite get it, and how I know how it ate him up afterwards....seeing the kids play tag with the ocean, seeing them sleeping peacefully at night after passing out from a long, long day of fun......How a trip reconnects me with the whole world again, how much I really want to move to NORTHFIELD of all places...how I remember that I can do anything I want to, I really can....
We didn't go to Busch Gardens.
Have you been there? Cullen has. He doesn't remember it, and he really wanted to spend the $350 (that was WITH the discount) for a HALF DAY. There is nothing you can say to me to make me want to go there, to spend that money for THAT. I love animals- LOVE animals. Drop me off at a zoo all day long and I'll never get enough. Let me be zoo keep for a day and my life is complete (again)....I'm NOT paying for something they won't remember. Cullen doesn't remember! All the kids wanted to do was play in the pool.
Yeah. I get sick of hearing my thoughts. Sometimes I want someone to entertain me with something REAL. Which I supose I could find by reading other blogs. Instead, I'll go read another stupid teen angst book. Why do I like them so much? Out of the bazillion books out there to read, I'm hung up on these. What a DORK.
Cullen, trying to stop my prattle: Yes, funny.
Me: Did you just hear what I said??? Don't you get it? Isn't it weird????
Cullen, trying harder to stop my prattle: VERY weird. *starts petting my hair to put me to sleep*
Me: How come you are okay with it? You are seeing yourself backwards in the mirror. That's not the you that I see.
Cullen: Oh, dear. Here, let me tickle your back...
Conversation #2
Me: Don't you recognize the people in the airport? Have you noticed that EVERYONE looks familiar?
Cullen, taking a dive: yes.
HAHAH. Okay, I don't totally blame him. After 14 years together, he's heard PLENTY of my insane thoughts, and I don't blame him for not wanting to dive into any of it much further. But just sometimes I get so HUNGRY for something REAL, something deeper, something that lets me know that there's more out there than "how's the weather?" "Have a nice trip?" and "How'd you sleep last night?"
Things like the warm spot on a baby's neck, where it's soft and smells like them and contains all that is important in life.
Things like talking about that person you met once that changed you for the better for ever.
Or how to comfort the dying.
And how to Really Be Alive.
What dream to dream next, what to make happen.
Tell me about the miracle that happened to the "nobody" down in Georgia the other day, the miracle that should really be told to everyone in the universe, but not enough people will ever know. I want to know about it.
I sat next to a man who used to sail for a living. He sailed the Pacific. He sailed at Alaska. Can you imagine? I could have listened to him forever. Give me the DETAILS. Make me BE THERE.
People keep saying "tell me about your trip" and I give them the aqua water, the white beaches, the warm pool, the glorious sun, because I (stupidly?) think that's what they want. I didn't tell them how the decor in our room almost made me cry because I loved the art so much, or how the music that plays all day and night reminded me of Mexico and I felt like I reconciled something big about that "loss" this time, in Florida...or how I could see Julia at 30 when she was talking to me about Captain Redbeard, or how I noticed her walking different, proudly, after her friend Chloe saw her and called out hello in passing. How Jordan floated in the middle of the pool for and hour with floaties on, waiting for CJ and Josh to come back from playing putt putt because he was so excited to show them where he was in the pool....how I noticed CJ carefully NOT noticing the girl his age who walked past him when we were playing ping pong....the way my heart burst when CJ turned around on the airplane and said "MOMMY, can I have a sprite when they come by?" MOMMY? YAY!!!! How Josh TRIED to do a flip on the bungee trampoline but couldn't quite get it, and how I know how it ate him up afterwards....seeing the kids play tag with the ocean, seeing them sleeping peacefully at night after passing out from a long, long day of fun......How a trip reconnects me with the whole world again, how much I really want to move to NORTHFIELD of all places...how I remember that I can do anything I want to, I really can....
We didn't go to Busch Gardens.
Have you been there? Cullen has. He doesn't remember it, and he really wanted to spend the $350 (that was WITH the discount) for a HALF DAY. There is nothing you can say to me to make me want to go there, to spend that money for THAT. I love animals- LOVE animals. Drop me off at a zoo all day long and I'll never get enough. Let me be zoo keep for a day and my life is complete (again)....I'm NOT paying for something they won't remember. Cullen doesn't remember! All the kids wanted to do was play in the pool.
Yeah. I get sick of hearing my thoughts. Sometimes I want someone to entertain me with something REAL. Which I supose I could find by reading other blogs. Instead, I'll go read another stupid teen angst book. Why do I like them so much? Out of the bazillion books out there to read, I'm hung up on these. What a DORK.
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