Yesterday I literally held post on the couch and I read. All day. 10 hours of reading. It was fantastic! I think you should probably know this about me...it could change how you feel, afterall. You should know...*brave deep breath...* that I am prone to reading cheesy teenage novels that usually have one girl, who is the star of the show, and she's surrounded by males who protect her and adore her. Yes. It's true. Yesterday I ate TWO book of those books and had to stop myself from downloading the 3rd. Okay, I didn't even stop myself. I couldn't find it as a nookbook.
But I made an incredible revelation about why I love those books so much and it's not just because every girl would love to feel that surrounded and safe and loved (every HUMAN might like that?).
So I finish the second book and I glance up to see what Cullen's watching and there's this horrible commercial for UNICEF featuring Allyssa Milano and all these poor babies who are sick, starving, dying. I took a hit.
The very next damned commercial was for these beat up animals living in horrible conditions, face after face of pained animals with eyes that beg for help.
I broke.
I cried and I cried and I cried. There's so much bad out there, so many terrible people and so many horrors and I can't compete with it. We can't fix everyone. We can't fix everything. How do we dare pick and choose which people or causes are "worthy" and which ones aren't? You CAN'T just stand by and say "every man for himself" when it's so clear that so many need help. Do you help the ones over THERE or help the ones HERE, and which ones? The abused women and children? The vets? The animals? The homeless? WHICH ONES? The ones sick in the hospital who won't get out? WHO? How do you pick????
And immediately that feeling of "I don't want to be here anymore" feeling swooped down on me. Too overwhelmed by all the bad and the inability to help everyone. I don't want to be here. Who wants to live on this stupid planet where people are too concerned with themselves (in general) and doing stupid things to themselves like getting drunk to look around? I KNOW---I know that people are out there doing good, and that really good things are happening. I was momentarily blinded.
So I caught myself!
I did! I don't know if I've ever caught myself so quickly. I may have just taken another step on my path, a big one! I caught myself. I remembered---I remembered what I always say I need to remember when i almost get swallowed like that. I grabbed one of my books off the shelf, one of my God books and I found it...The Story...it's all illusions. Nothing is really real. We created this world like this for a reason. Every soul is actually okay. We are all one. Even for the baby who starves to death today, her soul is okay. We are indestructible. Life OUT of our bodies is infinitely better than being IN our body.....especially if we happen to have a horrible life within our body. Most of us don't. Most of us can have the most delightful lives IN our bodies but we're too busy "reacting" instead of creating conciously. I CAUGHT MYSELF. I am not horrible because I did not donate to UNICEF or to the animal one. I'm not. I'm okay. It's all really, truly okay, and it's going to be.
Come, My Beloved.....that's one of my favorite lines in the book, which are not religious books. And it was in reading that that I realized why I love those cheesy ass books so much. I don't believe that we are seperate at all. Not from eachother and not from God. Not from the couch I'm sitting on and not from the homeless man who has a thing for little kids. And the way I feel about God is the way that I feel like those girls in the stories feel. Except that they feel seperate from those people, perhaps. I feel safe and protected and I am very loved by the people surrounding me doing all the protecting and loving. I look at Cullen and he is just the best, and he was right, maybe, when he said that no one else on Earth can or will ever love me the way he does.
He helped remind me last night, of all the good, and all the love in the world. It made me cry happy tears.
Yes, best way to spend and entire Saturday and Saturday night. Loved it.
Today? I GOTTA SHOP AND PACK! WHOOO HOOO!!!
i cried reading this because i too feel so overwhelmed by the sadness in the world. i have a constant need and crave for information but shut down and don't read the newspapers, watch the news etc.
ReplyDeletei think it is one of our many connections and why we "get" each other nic.
i'd like a crack at those books if you could let me know the titles.
i have one word that helps me snap out of feeling helpless. i'll share it with you and hopefully it will help you too.
perspective.
it's all about what angle you are looking at it from. so - when feeling sad, helpless, angry with life, world or people, pick another perspective and think that point of view, then another and another and sometimes it helps form your perspective a little more clearer.
love, jen la.