HJG

How long has it been since I've talked about HJG? Have I ever? Okay, well..you're about to meet her.
I met her when I was very young, she, her brother and parents lived down the street from me. In order for me to believe I could even be friends with her at all, I have to believe that we are all connected and have known eachother before, for many reasons. One is just that she and I are so different in so many ways...I'm a LEO, and she's a CAPRICORN, and she's got her momma's blood in her and well, it should have never worked out anyway.

But it did! We were friends, even after they moved to Savage and our parents had to do all the driving.

There are so many little things that made it very hard to carry on a friendship.....but for some reason, I just loved her and her kids and her family. That sounds so poor...but here...here's a little bit of what went on before I broke up with her....
her dad had passed away (driving DRUNK, hit a pole, no one else was killed, her mom injured) and she was daddy's girl. We were all devastated. She probably thinks that I left her because her dad died and I couldn't handle her grieving...
There were these late night phone calls. I had 3 kids, 3 and under, and she would called...it was 2am, I believe. She called, and called and called and called and called...I finally believed that it HAD to have had something to do with her mom (who threatened suicide if she had to go to jail for the death of her dad in the accident). I answered, already dead tired from Julia being a newborn, having a 1 year old and a just turned 3 year old. No, it was a sex problem between she and the boyfriend she was living with.
Her 7 year old daughter also wanted to see a live birth and without asking me, she told her she could watch Jordan be born. Now, I'm the first one to say that I don't care who watches because it's THE coolest thing that anyone will ever see, but I wasn't okay with this. Turns out it was a damned good thing that I didn't, anyway since I drank castor oil and spend every contraction pooping my brains out (hahahahha....oh, good memories...). She was struggling BIG time with her boyfriend and ex husband and although I'm not a "FIX IT" person, after hearing the same struggles over and over and over and over...and anytime I would suggest something, be shot down (she disagreed with me on that and said it wasn't true)...it got old. After awhile if something doesn't change, you're going to have to initiate change somehow. You know? If I wasn't available to her for a couple of days, when I talked to her, I'd get a line like "You've missed out. " and then filled in on everything I'd "missed out" on. I was working from home full time, pregnant and/or nursing, trying to keep my head above water, and I was "missing out" on everything going on in her life?
One day I snapped and I told her. You DON'T UNDERSTAND how they are when they get mad. They are Scary when crossed. Attitudes bigger than the country. I'm not lying. It's severe. It's in her family, her whole family. But I told her. I told her how tired I was of all of it. She's always competed with me for some weird reason. I don't think I'm threatning in any way but always...competing. We argued back and forth, and I THINK I didn't hold anything back. It might have been the first time I realized that I could do that. She could be mad and it was scary but ...what?
The friendship was over.
I am very sorry to say it, but I felt relief. I couldn't be good for her either. I must have kept her co dependent on me in some way, I was sure.
I haven't seen her talked with her since. I did send her a death book that I especially loved, but I did it anonymously. And I did send her one message, years after, when we first moved into the town house, to tell her that I was sorry for MY part in things and that I hoped she and her family were doing well. she didn't reply and it made me happy. I felt like she was probably close to the same as always and it was so draining to have to focus that much on another person.
She stopped by my parents house a year ago, with her son, and all of my kids were there. That scared me pretty badly. I didn't know if I had to reconnect with her or what. The kids kept asking if we could get together. After awhile, they stopped.
I was at Unique yesterday, and I hear "Are you Nicki?" and I turn around, and there is her son, almost as tall as me. I almost tackled him, I was so off guard and HAPPY to see him. Her daughter is taller than I am now. She couldn't stop looking at me. Their mother looks exactly the same (I happen to think that she's beautiful)....and I think that nothing is any different. They took turns filling me in on what's gone on. The first thing HJG did say to me was "I saw you on TV!" She couldn't stop me from hugging her, so I did. After that, when i finally brought something up I said "we're shopping because we're going to Florida in a couple of days." I got "OH! We're going to Jamaica next february to get married!"
It's like THAT. All the time. I instantly was transported back to every conversation we'd ever had and I'm convinced again that I can't POSSIBLY be good for her. But her kids love me, and my kids want to see her kids and I just plain ole feel sick to my stomach over the whole thing. Over the years I have missed her. I've wondered about her. And her mom, and the kids. And after she went to mom's, I asked my mom if I was supposed to get in touch with her and my mom said not to feel bad if I didn't.
*I* have changed and it's not fair to judge that she hasn't....but I don't think she really has......and I don't want to make her feel like she needs to compete with me, and I don't want her to be co dependent on me....and I don't ...know, but it makes me so tired. I'll be the bad guy again when our kids don't get together. "Nicki said...and you know how she didn't let you watch Jordan be born....and don't hold your breath to get together with the kids either..." HJG couldn't even look me in the eyes.

Blah.