I can no longer meditate. I can levitate, but not meditate (no, I can't) (which is why i can't. plus they tell me that david blaine doesn't really levitate at all, haters!).
Isn't that weird? I can meditate when I'm listening to a meditation and being guided. Maybe I just need to go that route. I used to be able to do it on my own, but I honestly can NOT shut my head up.
I feel like a good part of my day is a walking meditation. I feed myself some pretty good stuff all day long and I really like to focus on what I'm doing, and feel it. When I'm doing guided meditation I fall fast asleep, almost instantly. I'm a hypnotizers DREAM. I can self hypnotize pretty quickly, but again, I can't not fall deeply asleep right away. When I used to be able to meditate by myself, I could actually get to heaven. I could reach this crazy point of Knowing and it ROCKED. I think I keep the Knowing around as much as I can, but I want to go back to that SPACE where ...it was just so good.
I've checked out meditation books from the library, ready tons of stuff online and I just can't clear out all the noise. WHYYYYYY?
How do I declutter my head? It's full of info about where each kid is, when they will be back, what I need to do before the next sunrise hits, what I can't do til the next sunrise hits, what's for breakfast, lunch, dinner, when I need to start it, what laundry is waiting to be put away, did I call Cullen's mom today, How did Ethan get in there, oops gotta warm up a bottle, how much milk is left for the babies, did I write down Adalane's info, what project should i do for learning time today...on and on and on. I fall right asleep at the end of the day, going to my secret safe place where I CAN focus (don't you wish you KNEW??? hah!)...
but it's not meditation.
Hm.
i deal with this too, especially at night. part of it is being a woman. it's in our make-up, our dna. if you need to question that, think of the last time you lost your shit with cullen over him not realizing everything that is going on. it happens in our home a lot. brian will be like, what's going on for you? and i'll be like well i'm freaking out because there's this, this, this this and this and we need to do this and that and get a present for so and so and i gotta get groceries and what about this...
ReplyDeletethe other part is an inability to shut it off and relax and be in the moment. must find ways to do this. i'm thinking less time being interrupted by emails, social stuff (fb, twitter, etc) and more time focusing on the energy. my plan is this...
get up and do all the crazy shit before work. spend half hour in car on way to work in silence more often than not being aware. get to work, close office door, do 15 mins med/yoga.
work work work. stop checking fb like i need to know what people i barely have real world interaction with are doing. take 2 15 min breaks a day (like smokers do, cept usually it's more) and work on life stuff (outside of work, ie, figure out dinner, what's coming up, make appts etc) or veg without using internet.
drive to daycare, same thing. chill. call people i haven't connected with.
get home, crazy eat, bathe, clean phase. don't expect more than that. by 9 pm should be able to breathe most nights. choose husband time, bath with book or run on my new treadmill i haven't bought yet.
talk with friend instead of trying to find therapist who gets me. don't need fixing. need ear. need sage advice from people not paid to give it. jla