And the fog lifts....and THOSE AREN'T HYSTERECTOMY SCARS!

I found out something. That horrible antsy feeling can't be RUN out of me. Oh, I tried. I ran 8.5mph trying to FEEL something enough to get IT out. Didn't work. Of course, doing SIT UPS works. OF COURSE. What I feel is so deep on the inside, that the only thing that would make me feel like IT was being touched would be to work that general area. That felt awesome. I want to do more because I can feel IT still in there, inside me.

So at least now I have an outlet. And I started writing. That helps too. :) And got the 3rd book in the goofy series I'm in love with. Figured out why I like those too! Because I am a stupid, stupid girl in the end, and the books I love happen to have a boy in there that completely and totally protects the girl, while at the same time, totally and completely letting herself be herself. That's the one difference. Cullen totally and completely protects me, but I don't get to fully be myself. But I shine in enough other ways that most of the time I don't get eaten alive by THIS FEELING.

So, there.
The fog is lifting.

Now, on to the most important thing. Did you know that if you bing images of hysterectomy scars, there is a picture of me on there, with my NOT HYSTERECTOMY SCARS? WHO did that? I'm SO irritated. SO SO SO irritated! Pissed even.
First of all, I have scars from the hysterectomy that no one can see unless you are my obgyn. There are lots of scars that i EARNED by having major surgery on my insides. I am so thankful that I had that surgery but there were a couple of really, really REALLY horrible things about it and *those* scars can't be seen by eyes.

But what's even MORE irritating is how hard I worked to donate a kidney and the fact that THOSE SCARS..those scars deserve to be labeled correctly. Why the fuck doesn't our rule of doubling the consonant if it comes after a vowel work for that word? Is that even the right rule? LABELED. Why am I SUPPOSED to put an extra P in there for SUPPOSED ...oh, but I don't have to double up the S in that word. English is so stupid. Where was I? Those are LOVE scars, not HYSTERECTOMY scars. I'm so irritated. Irritated enough to wonder if I could get my ass into a bikini this summer. That's worthy of a whole other post, and I think I actually COULD get in a bikini but I can't think too hard about it because I'll wreck it.

Those aren't hysterectomy scars, whoever did that. My hysterectomy scars include scars on the inside where my uterus was cut out, and a scar at the top of my vagina where my cervix used to live. And if you want to see the emotional scars, I'll remind you that my ob, whom I love, did me a huge disservice by telling Cullen I'd be ready for sex by 5 weeks, and my husband was busy being a HUGE jackass (and truly, he really isn't..I'm the most spoiled brat in the whole world), and refused to be the least bit understanding when for the first 3 weeks we would try, or he'd do it anyway, I was shaking uncontrollably and having panic attacks, crying and trying not to throw up. I'd tell him to do it anyway because I had to get my body to realize that it was okay, but the fact that he would get mad and frustrated...oooh I'm ready to beat some ass over it again right now. MAD at his naked, shaking from head to foot, hyperventilating, crying wife, who doesn't know any more than he does why her body is freaking out, and who, let's face it, just had some seriously major surgery. I had sex after the kids were born at 4 weeks (for the last 3 anyway)...I am fully capable...and I was falling apart. It was a nightmare. It felt like being raped. How's that for a picture? Can you capture how that made me feel and what that did for me? What does THAT scar look like to you? If someone is going to post a picture of my hysterectomy scars, THAT is what they should have posted. Good luck with that.