MORE GOOD NEWS!!!

We have been vanless, completely, for almost 4 weeks now. Our van's tranny died Memorial weekend. We had to give Cullen's mom's van back a week before surgery. Cullen and dad have been working on yanking the tranny out of our van. this is no small feat. Everyone I know thought they were out of their mind to attempt it. Even buying a used tranny is expensive- $600. We just don't have that kind of money laying around. As it is we have to give up daycare because it costs too much for 4 kids.

My dad called U Pull R Parts, which is the most brilliant place in the universe, to see how much they'd charge if they came and pulled the tranny themselves. $91. NINETY ONE DOLLARS. TO MAKE MY VAN RUN AGAIN!!!!!!!!
Now THAT...that we can afford. In a couple more weeks. heheh We gotta get through these crazy ass birthdays that are hittin us first.

$91!!!! whooo hoooooo!!!!

Thanks, Universe!

Wanna see my owies?

That's right! 3 little cuts, which are mostly all healed up. they normally make the big one where they take the kidney out below the belly button. I'm not sure what made them change their mind....they shaved me and had the line drawn...I'm unsure if there is scar tissue that they didn't want to mess with from they hysterectomy in there or not. But it doesn't matter. That's it. 3 little cuts. I did see a pic where the big cut is wide open and his hand is in there, grabbing the kidney. Kinda freaky. Our bodies just HEAL.

Don't mind my hair! This was just a day after coming home. That's the shirt I made at cafepress.com. They do an awesome job! The social worker once wondered aloud if it'd be fun to have 9 more of those made up for the rest of the donors and recipients in the chain. :) That would be fun. I'm not shelling out $27/shirt though. Donating a kidney is EASY! : )

The August babies are here!

The 2 babies that were due in August have arrived! Liam was born July 30th, and MY BABY, baby Caiden, was born today! AND, the bestest bestest bestest part of all is that my mother in law, who we didn't think would live to meet him, walked into the room as he WAS CROWNING! She has never seen a child be born other than the 7 she gave birth to. She was invited to all 4 of mine and didn't make it to any (which is fine), but the one that REALLY counts, she made it to. Not that Brian's baby girl doesn't count (due in September), but this is her only daughter, and giving birth is something that ties mothers and daughters together in a way that only doing that can. AND SHE GOT TO SEE! What a beautiful day!

Speaking of daughters, have I told you lately how much I adore mine? Last night, as is customary on weekends, there is a big sleepover in CJ and Josh's room. They were trying to listen to the Twins game downstairs, lights off, and Julia was being a stinker and making noise. CJ resorted to tattling (or getting help since she wasn't listening to him). I gave her one more chance, and she just couldn't resist. So, I had to follow thru. She had to come up with her stuff and sleep in her own room. She had some tears about it, but did as asked and went to her room.
Yesterday I was so very tired and sore at the end of the day, so it was a good half hour before I dragged my butt off the couch and went pee. I went to check on her. My adorable daughter was sitting up in bed, lights on, having a cooking show. : ) She was SOOOO cute. I said "Cute girl, it's time to go to bed now. " and Cute Girl said "Mom, WHY did you check on me???!" tee hee hee. But she went to bed. I LOVE how her imagination works, and I LOVE that she is this little independent thing. Who listens well to me anyway.

I just got a dirty look from hubba hubba who rode by on the lawn mower. He wants me to rest and this is my idea of resting but he hates the computer. : )

LOVE TODAY!

Random Musings

I just caught the cutest 3 year old girl in the world saying "I don't like you" to my daughter, out of no where, while they were sitting right in front of me. This is her older brothers first line of defense when anything doesn't go his way. Julia looked at me, and I looked at Samantha and Samantha immediately says "Okay I do." *eyeroll* It's too bad they copy everything.

I need to go get us signed up for a CPR class and a child care class for daycare. Did I already tell you how ridiculous it is that we can have 15 kids and no one "cares" but watch someone else's kids and you'd better learn CPR and stuff. SO FUNNY> it's like adopting....you have to be screened to adopt but go ahead and have a hit of crack and get pregnant.

Where am I suposed to choke up enough money to buy all the school supplies and clothes for THREE kids?

Is it mean to take your kids' money? And doesn't it suck when they NOTICE that you've done that?!

How does anyone pay for expensive schools for their kids or daycare? Holy CRAP!

Julia slept with Josh in the boys' room last night and Josh made a fort for them. They each had their own "room" and a hallway. It was so cute. I had to wake them up this morning.

Is it rude to not like someone's children because they are sneaky little stinkers?

I love vicodin. There is nothing better than when it starts working and everything feels better IMMEDIATELY.

I love that CJ dos laundry.

I have to pee.

Can I send the kids home just because I'm tired of the whining and arguing ALREADY? My own kids don't fight like this. This is ridiculous.

Why are people afraid of their kids? Why don't they discipline their children? Kids who run their parents are NOT fun for ANYONE ELSE TO DEAL WITH.

Can you tell that I'm about to have Another Freak Out if this arguing doesn't stop.

My first ever baby is going to be 9 in a few days.

August is Go Broke Buying Gifts month. In the first 9 days there are 7 birthdays. 11 total birthdays in August. 12 if Em pops before September 7th.

I love the universe.

I feel bad about that sometimes. Cullen says he loves me more than I love him which is the stupidest argument I've ever heard, but he bases it on the fact that I love everyone and everything, and his main love is for me. stupid. No one can quantify LOVE. That irritates me.

Still have to pee.

"I don't think they put grapes in the sun to make raisins, i think they put them in an oven. that would work a lot faster. Mom, is that what they do?" (no, they actually do put them outside. We looked it up. We're going to do that next week. Cool.)

Neighbor kids sent home. One too many freaking tattling session.

The End!

Sex, again.

Probably inappropriate, but that's okay, I'm going to do it anyway because it's one of life's great pleasures!

Is there ANYTHING better in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD than being in the mood for love? Not one of the nights when you know you'll have fun once you start, or if you can make out long enough to get in the mood...but a day/night when it sounds like the funnest thing in the world to do and you just can't wait til It's Time?

I have to confess that we totally went for it about a week after surgery and it was great fun. Then a couple of night later it was great fun again. It hasn't sounded like a whole lot of fun the past few days probably because I'm so wiped out from being on duty for the first time since surgery. But today.....BRING IT ON!!

Poor Cullen won't know what hit him.
Or...he will. HAHAHA!

What a nice, nice feeling it is. And how lucky that after all this time with my darling husband, I still get this way and can't wait to make out with him til my head spins. YAY!

Sucky Friend

I've been thinking about this for awhile and have been abnormally slow to post it.

I think that I owe all of my darling friends who helped support me and get me through Cullen working nights a big apology. I was extremely dependent on those friends, perhaps without them even realizing just how much so I was. Without Cullen around to bounce things off of, vent to, share ideas with, LAUGH with...well, not more than a half hour or so every day, anyway...I really, truly, openly shared all of me with my friends. I looked forward to drop in visits, weekends full of having family and neighbors over, being surrounded by these beautiful lights that were keeping me going.
And then Cullen stopped working 2nd shift.
And without meaning to, without PURPOSELY doing it, I "disappeared". My focus shifted from staying caught up with all of my friends, to getting reacquainted with Cullen and rebuilding our "family" life. Our family life of going out as a family, and doing things- with the Mom, The Dad, and all four of our kiddos. We committed to not falling into the "norm" of eating dinner and sitting in front of the TV, not talking, putting kids to bed and going to bed. We want to go out and SEE things, FEEL things, DO things. Which is what we've done.
I know MFN has felt the impact the most, since I HAD to see her every day for my comic relief and girlie bonding (not BONDAGE, bonding! haha). I'm so sorry. I LOVE when I get to see you, I have so much fun with you and I appreciate everything you've done to take care of me while I've been Recovery Girl! I love you and thank you for your sweet understanding while I switch back into "normal family" mode vs "single parent" mode. And thank you and I'm sorry to any and all of my other friends who have noticed Nicki's Disappearing Act. When I think about the fact that Cullen is not ever going back to 2nd shift again, and the longer that he is home like "normal" people are home, I realize just how much I was relying on Everyone Else. I don't know if you felt it or not, but THANK YOU for carrying me all that time. When he first was home and struggling to reconcile how long he'd been gone and not a part of us (not really, anyway), he kept saying that I'd replaced him with all these people, and I argued that I didn't, but now I can kinda see more where he was coming from. It didn't feel like that was what I was doing, and I truly did not have that particular intention in mind while living life and loving friends.
Anyways...if the enormous silence (haha) that I may have "left" (or maybe not!) made you think "that stupid Nicki, dumps her friends for her husband!" I apologize!

It's a fact...

-Pooping a baseball will not kill you even though you are certain that it will.
- You will be eternally grateful to the Universe, God, or whatever you believe in or not, after said baseball is finally out.
- You will not rupture your insides by pushing that baseball out, if you do it gently and in increments, hence the half hour vacation in the bathroom.
- Caffeine just HELPS sometimes.
- Drinking hot coffee will warm you up on in the inside and make you feel like you're having a massive hot flash that will send you to the freezer looking for some relief.
-This is NOT my first coffee since surgery but I have hardly had ANY and I fully expect to need to get my Super Nicki cape out shortly.
- I'm eternally thankful for Gavin leaving the drum set behind, hence Josh inheriting it.
- I'm more thankful to Cullen, who brought it into the BASEMENT for all of us to enjoy.
- A shower can make all the difference in the world.
-It's going to, because I am going to go take one in a sec.
- I am a freakin ROCK STAR. I just am. I've made kick ass dinners every night (okay, all 2 nights that I've been on my own again), kept the kids safe during the day, kept them clean even, kept the house clean AND I slept in bed again last night. Vicodin helps with that, but whatevs. I DID IT.
- I am so done with surgery.
- My kids ROCK- they are the sweetest, most helpful babies ever. I honestly cannot thank them enough for listening so well and doing the things I ask of them to help me out.
- The caffeine is starting to work, and motivation for all sorts of craziness is creeping in. I have the urge to go back to school shopping. I haven't tried driving yet. Maybe tonight? A family outting?
- I can't wait til I can take longer walks again. Maybe we'll try that tonight too.?
- I can't stand when neighbor kids knock on my door at 8am. I make them wait til 9am.
- They won't be playing here for free when I'm doing daycare.
- I hope I'm growing something that is NOT a baseball.
- Josh and I are going to make the pie that he made up for my birthday.
- It has ginger, cinnamon, and strawberry shortcake batter in it (?).
- Caffeine = HOPE!
- My dad is so awesome. I can't be thankful enough for him either. He comes over and makes the kids' shelves, and works on the van and hangs out and brings the monkeys M&M's and OH THANK GOD for my dad!
-Thank GOD for my mom too. I could call her up at any time and she'd come to help me.
- Thank GOD for my boss too- I thought I was going ot have to find a way to go into work to get my reports done this week and he said no, stay home, and delegated. THANK YOU, JJJ!!!!
- Have I mentioned the drum? Sweet Cheeses, the drum.
- I am going to take my newly motivated self into the shower now, and then I'm going to be super duper productive, one way or another.

Sex

Yeah, I said it. SEX.
Mom and I had an interesting discussion the other day. This has probably already occured to the rest of you, but in normal Nicki fashion, it's just starting to make sense to me.

This started with MFN's coworker who was volunteering at a women's prison, and the instructions before going- which were to dress down, no perfume, no makeup, etc, because the women would sometimes get a little crazy over a pretty girl.
I thought that was interesting. Is THAT what happens? Lock us up and keep us away from men long enough (if we like men in the first place) and eventually we will be so sex starved that anyone looks good? It seems hard to imagine, but I guess I am not sex starved either.

THEN, I thought about men's prisons and the big joke about Brutus "taking care" of the extra naughty boys that go to jail. That must happen to them too!

THEN! my lightbulb finally went off. All the child abuse in the churches. OMFG. If we'd let these high and mighty needless priests have sex with women (or men, whatever), they'd leave the kids alone! HELLO!

We are CLEARLY sexual beings, and it is only because we are STUPID that we have made that into a "bad" thing. We spend way too much time telling kids to stop touching themselves, and make them ashamed about their bodies and not nearly enough time educating them on just what our cool bodies do and why we feel the way we do. What the hell is wrong with sending an out of control horny 13 year old off to have some alone time? MY GOD. Especially boys...poor babies, looking back I wonder how many boys that were in my class were constantly trying not to think too much or look too hard at...anything at all. We are all just so messed up. The harder we try to repress it, the more it refuses to be repressed. Stupid humans.

...And normal life resumes!

Welcome to the first day of the rest of my life. Everything is back to normal. Cullen is back to work, I am working from home this week, the kids are here...I've made breakfast and lunch, caught a cat nap and had to work way harder for a poop than anyone who has just had surgery would want to. Stinkin vicodin!
OH but how I love that stuff. It makes sleeping sooooo much better.
Tomorrow is 2 weeks. All the media stuff was funny because it didn't feel like it was talking about ME. Maybe because of the "anonymity" (SP?!) of it, but I think mostly it's because there is nothing different about me. I don't feel like I only have one kidney. Nothing about how my body runs is any different. My supercool kidney that I still have is swelling and coping and I feel just fine. OUTSTANDING!
The girl that I roomed with in the hospital had a very successful transplant of islet cells and she maybe off of insulin completely within 5-6 months. Can you imagine being diabetic for 30 years and then not needing insulin? How incredible! The things we can do medically just astound me.

We took our daycare class so we can begin that process, which we are doing. FULL STEAM AHEAD. I was very clear while I was there that I really want to do this. Not only because I will get my baby fix, but because it will help the part of me that so badly wants to homeschool. I am so excited to get going. My Aug 2nd appt at the transplant clinic will serve as my "physical" and Cullen's got his too. He's going to be a co applicant, and then in a year or so when we can have more kids, he can work with me and it will be like a vacation all the time (are you laughing? Daycare= vacation? HA!).

By the way, my most brilliant husband blew my mind with how well he did the past 2 weeks. He positively SHONE. It was glorious. He took complete care of me, the kids, the house, the everything. He let me cry once, when I hurt on Thursday night after coming home from the hosptial, and he didn't tell me that it was self induced (believe it or not, someone did say that to me) and that I saved a life, so stop crying (I heard that too, from the same "sensitive" soul that the other comment came from). He let me cry, and told me that it would hurt less very, very soon. Then he fed me vicodin.
He has slept with me on the couch every single night, and the one night I wanted to try the bed, he came with me and back to the couch when I couldn't deal. He holds my hand when we fall asleep. : ) He CLAPPED when I walked all the way around the block the other day, and clapped again when I did it again. Yesterday when I cried at CJ's baseball tournament because the heat was killing me---lightheaded, itchy incisions, uncomfortableness, sick to stomach---he brought me to mom's and got me set up and let it be okay that I missed the championship game. He has made me meal after meal....he has just been so incredible, I am SOOOOOOOO blessed and happy and thankful.

I am also so thankful that for 2 weeks we had food to carry us through, and to Suzanne for her impeccable timing with some dinners for when I would be on full time duty again. The love and cards and food and company has been AMAZING.

Did you see the moonlight the other night? Cullen brought me outside, our whole yard was lit up in the gorgeous blue light. It was magic.

The end!

6 days out and all is well, doo-dah, doo-dah!

Hi Friends!
I feel AWESOME today. Still no poop, but it's okay. I moved to our bed last night and got in and out of it all by myself. I walked around half a block. I have NO PAIN AT ALL, only some uncomfortableness. Absolutely amazing!
My media friend sent me the still pic of my kidney, which looks better than the black and white one even if it's a little bloody. Our kidneys are small. Incredible what such a small organ does for us! The last of the surgeries is today, probably underway right now. I hope that it goes well!
Cullen is doing awesome. He has been very, very helpful. I know he has wanted to help me more than I have let him, but it's just easier to get up and down by myself. He has been a godsend though, and I'm so thankful!
The kids have been total rockstars too. Julia is dying for a real hug, but doing awesome smooching my arm, hand, face, whatever else is nearby instead. She said, when I came and sat down by myself "I'm so proud of you for doing that all by yourself!" and they all notice when I'm doing well. "You're walking faster today, Mom!" It's so sweet. Today CJ said "Mom, you SHOULD be on the news! " I think that he just understood how 5 people got kidneys. Josh is the detail man and he had it nailed as soon as I drew it out for him.
They are all at their yearly checkups right now. I can't remember them going last year, so it's possible that they just didn't! If that isn't stellar parenting, what is???

Oh, poop, darling poop, don't be afraid. Come on out. Don't make me push. (Miralax is pretty decent stuff!).

I WISH I MAY, I WISH I MIGHT, FINALLY GET A GOOD POO BY TONIGHT!

Oh, to donate a kidney! Saturday July 17th 2010

I'm in less pain, and (sadly) off of the vicodin. Still hard to breathe when I'm standing up, and still quite sore, but I have high hopes of a poop later. :D

I love everyone. Thanks for all the love and support. You're floating me and magically healing me!

Oh, to donate a kidney! Wednesday July 14th

At some point on Tuesday night, my favorite nurse Brooke snuck me some food. I was to have NOTHING but water until Wednesday, when they'd open it up to a clear liquid diet- FUN, right? NO. I was starving. The last meal I'd had was Monday at 12. Brooke trusted me and what I was telling her, and got me some crackers and apple juice- both of these were no no's. But I am a rubber ball, and some calories could only help me. If i wasn't pukey feeling, I would digest it and it would help. I was so happy.
The surgeon came in, I am unclear on what day it was now...and I was showing off for him and told him how hungry I was and how I'd eaten crackers and juice, sending Brooke almost on top of me trying to cover my mouth with her hands. : ) I apologized for throwing her under the bus, and Dr. Awesome agreed that he'd put in orders for regular diet on Wed instead of clear liquids.

On Wednesday I also convinced them to take the catheter out- I needed to get up and out of that bed. I knew it was going to hurt but my butt was numb.
There is really no describing what it feels like, on the inside. It's different than the hysterectomy in some ways- it hurt more to SIT--like hurt on the inside to sit...but ...well, it's just interesting. It hurts.
But I know that being up helps, so we walked laps after Brooke and Cullen got my favorite shirt on me, and every time I got up to pee I'd try to do a lap.
I had a new roommate who I love too, and will tell you about later. I'm so pooped typing this, I have to go nap.
Love you! More later.
One kidney-ed Me

Oh, to donate a kidney! Tuesday, July 13th 2010

I woke up shortly before the alarm went off at 4:45. I had to shower again before going in. I was tired, which was a good thing. I was also incredibly excited. It was actually going to happen- TODAY. No more waiting for phone calls, no more being nervous that anything was going to stop it. IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.
We got to the hospital right before 6am, and didn't have to wait long before being brought back to the preop room.
Cathy was my pre op nurse. She asked what I was in for (they all ask that to make sure I'm aware of what is going on, and that I'm the right person.). I told her. Guess what she told me? That she'd donated a kidney 7 years ago. Of course, right? Who else would be my pre op nurse? Not only has she donated, but she had a hysterectomy first. In my head, that's all I could say "OF COURSE she's had both surgeries!" I grilled her for a half hour about which surgery was harder to get over. She agreed with the others that the kidney was easier to recover from and that she's never had an issue with only one kidney. She said I'd be sore for a few day and then I'd really notice the healing happening.
The drug peeps visited me, I let some newbie poke around trying to get an IV in before her more practiced counter part gracefully stepped in to get it done.....then the surgeon stopped by to say hi. The druggies came back to hit me with something fun, and I made Cullen kiss me when I got all nice and fuzzy on the way to the OR.
I don't remember much after that, except I did get to say thank you so much for everything all of them were doing. I remember someone thanking ME, and then it was nighty-night for me.
I hurt right away when I woke up, but they hadn't numbed my stomach for me just yet. The nurse made me cough right away which was an experience that can't be replicated unless you've had your insides moved around and cut out. It sucked. Then they numbed my stomach which helped. The sleepy meds were harder to shake off this time. Surgery went very well, it was shorter than planned, and when they came out to tell Cullen that I was being sewn up, my kidney was already in the air, on the way to Fargo!
I am so fuzzy on so much for the rest of the day, kinda---- the meds kicked my ass...I remember that the girl I was sharing a room with was concerned, but I hear a nurse say "she's a donor and she did great!" and I felt better (wondering if something was wrong with me, after hearing the concern in the girls voice). I slept a lot. I still had the catheter in so I didn't ever have to think about getting up, which was good, because OUCH. The funnest was answering nurses questions about who it went to and getting to talk about how come I wanted to in the first place. I loved my nurses. THANK GOD FOR NURSES!

Oh, to donate a kidney! Monday, July 12th 2010

On Monday we were at the clinic all day long, to do the final testing. I was completely amped up about it, of course, since it was The Day Before.
Cullen dropped me off at the clinic bright and early, and took the kids home to feed them and stuff before dropping them off. I left my purse in the car- this becomes important later. Right away I was seen, had another EKG and chest xray done, and was babysat by a sweet girl named Liz while doing so. She's from some research team, because i agreed to be researched to death (for Target gift cards, whoo hoo!!!). Anyway, it was nice having someone new to hang out with. She's pregnant with her first baby.
Then suddenly it was breakfast time. Which was great, but OOPS! No money, no purse and no Cullen yet. So I went to the hospital cafe and waited by the public elevators. I waited quite a while- like 45 minutes. People were coming and going, of course and at one point a woman kinda wandered over. She said hello and we made small talk. She had a soft southern accent. She asked if I was a student, and I said no, I was having surgery on Tuesday and was there for the pre op. She shared that her husband was the one they were there for. I told her I was donating a kidney Tueday.
She shared that her husband received a kidney 11 years ago from a transplant.
Out of ALL the people milling around the U of M. Even in the hospital...out of all the people, I got to talk to someone's whose hubby received a kidney.As it turns out, one of his anti rejection meds causes an increased risk for skin cancer, which he has had repeatedly, and the drs in OK wouldn't touch his meds, so they came back here. His tranplant was 11 years ago and she said he's never had an issue with the kidney, just the skin cancer. If I would have had my purse, I wouldn't have run into her.
We saw them again the transplant clinic.
I also saw what a recipients stomach looks like after surgery. WOW. They have some serious cuts going on there!!!!! I met a recipient of a double lung transplant also. Our bodies are so cool.
We met with the surgeons who were actually going to do the surgery, which was really cool. They were both very nice. One of them is 22 days younger than me- isn't that crazy? I can't remember anything they said because I'm fuzzy on details----

but the fun part was when Cheryl, the social worker came in and I met her for the first time, and she brought the surgeon with her. They were anxious....the surgeon explained to me that the 3rd donor in the chain of 4 was the "weak link" and they felt that that donor was either going to bail or had already. They gave me way too many options to choose from on what I wanted to do from there---either I could still have surgery Tuesday, to the original recipient, and there would be 2 surgeries that happened for sure....I could ask to be rematched immediately to someone from the "regular" list, I could say let's wait and ask to be rematched with someone from the paired exchange list if I wanted a bigger chain---!!!! My heart was breaking that whole time, wondering if Fargo knew what was going on, wondering if Fargo had been told that surgery might be on hold. Why the hell would I do anything other than have surgery on Tuesday!?! After they were done explaining everything to death, I looked at Cullen and told them that I trusted the chain that we have in place and that I wanted to have surgery tomorrow, and for my kidney to go to Fargo as originally planned. Cullen said he could feel them sigh a breath of relief and the surgeon said "that is what we would prefer, but I couldn't tell you that just then." They also mentioned that there was a small outside chance that the chain would end up LONGER than it was originally because there was something going on over at Abbott that would fill in the blanks and then some.

After that, we were set free for the evening. We went to mom's to see the kids and the emotional part of me was finally drained totally and completely. I went home to nap for awhile and Cullen gave my parents a break. He came back for me, brought me to moms to say goodnight to the kids and then took me to the lake for a walk, to help us relax. I was completely wowwed by the fact that it was the night before, and I could feel a little cry sneaking up.
MFN came to hang for a while, and when she left, I had literally a 30 second cry. Normally where this is concerned, I feel like people make it a bigger deal than it is, but for those 30 seconds, I really felt like "HOLY CROW! I'M DONATING MY *KIDNEY* TOMORROW!!!!" i could feel the full impact of what that meant for me, and for the recipient. It was really, truly a 30 second cry.
We went to bed late, both of us terrified that the alarm wouldn't go off on time. : ) Somehow, we slept.
And then the alarm went off.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had to let that out!

BM, the nurse from Fargo, just called to tell me they got the blood that I sent to them yesterday, and that the final crossmatch with the recipient is still good, and that they are all praying for everyone up and down the chain for successful surgeries and that HE WILL TALK TO ME AFTER SURGERY!! That was The Final Phone Call From Fargo!

HOLY CHEESES!!!!! IT IS REALLY TRULY ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN! YAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY!

How am I not suposed to have the happy weepies over here? half and hour and I'm OUTTA HERE!

Worthless Nicki on Friday 4 MORE DAYS!

Could I be any more worthless? And I'm actually DOING STUFF, but my head is NOT HERE. NOT HERE AT ALL!!!!!

I have in my hot little hands a chart of what is going down on Tuesday and I'm more than a little bit blown away. There are actually a total of 4 recipients. When she said a chain of 3 was made, she wasn't including my recipient. So check it (and don't feel bad if you'll be glad when this is over and you can stop hearing about it!)....my kidney goes to fargo, and his willing donor who was rematched will go to a recipient who's whilling donor was rematched with someone back back here in MN, who's willing donor was matched with someone else here. So there are 2 recipients in ND, and two here in MN. CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT THOSE DARLING PEOPLE ARE DOING THAT? That there are 3 other donors who are donating to people they don't know just because? That is so freaking awesome!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited that it's FOUR total people!

WORTHLESS! I am!

Tonight we are going to Cullen's mom's for dinner, coming home, packing, getting some MFN time...tomorrow when he gets home from Fed Ex we are leaving to go to Dan and Deb's camper for the night. I love them to pieces and miss them and figure that if I'm not at home, I can't possibly be freaking out about the house being messy or trying to do more "stuff" to "get ready". You know? That's going to be super fun. Sunday, come home, and then I can freak out over the house being messy and I can try to do more "stuff" to get ready.
Then it's here. Monday by 7, at the clinic all day. Tuesday at 4:00am when I finally fly out of bed.....

And then...it's over. Done. New kidneys in new owners, new clean blood, and fresh urine for everyone. WHOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!

I LOVE THIS!!!!!

Mommy Guilt times TOO MUCH

It's part of the weepies, and part of the heightened sensitivity- but the Mommy Guilt is going to do me in.

This morning during breakfast, CJ was SHOVELLING his food in his mouth. This is fairly normal behavior. The kids got places to go and things to do. He was chomping with his mouth full, and Josh said "GROSS!" and I said "CJ!" CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
"STOP shovelling food in your mouth!!!" flick on the hat.

Tears.
CJ got up and started to cry. Not annoying sobby tears, just gentle leave-me-alone-you've-done-enough-damage tears.

So I took him and hugged him (he didn't want a hug) and talked to him. We hurt his feelings. So I apologized and said I was sorry but : ( : ( : ( : ( We shape our kids. There are too many kids who get away with everything, and there's no discipline. But I don't like when he's made unnecessarily sad, by me, his MOTHER who loves him bigger than anything in the universe.
Damn.

HAVE I MENTIONED THE WEEPIES?

Okay- I'm getting minorly stressed out.

By everything.

This is normal pre-surgery stuff.

I'm trying to finish up the shit here at work, and it's "shit" today because it feels irritating. My replacement - who is gone all this week- had 1 day to learn how to be me, and she doesn't know ANYTHING about computers. I had to teach her how to copy paste, and that was an hour long deal. It isn't her fault- NOT HER FAULT at all, but I am left feeling like stuff is going to not be taken care of for a couple of weeks. I know Ang and Kel will help her, or end up doing it, but I'd feel MUCH better knowing it was a done deal, ya know?



Cullen is starting to feel the pre surgery stress too, of having plans and stuff to do beforehand. He is thoroughly enjoying moving as a herd, so where one goes, apparently the rest does too. This is okay- like tomorrow he is going to fix someone's pool. It's going to take him an hour and he figured that the kids and I would go too, and we could swim while he works. That's nice, OR I could stay home and CLEAN and nest and get ready to be worthless for awhile. Even if the kids stayed with me. OR I can "let go" and just go enjoy time with the kids and Cullen in a pool.



Last night my sweet babies were so amazing. CJ and Josh rollerbladed around Nokomis, and Julia and Jordan RAN! Most of the way...Cullen gave them turns on his shoulders for a little while. Then we stopped and let them swim before dragging them home.



Okay. I just need to breathe. Everything makes me tear up, but I have the bestest friends. Chocolates are raining down on me, and regardless of anything, next week and the week after will go just fine here. I can't figure out one of my stupid reports that isn't updating....and Kel is attempting to do one of my reports right now as I type. I deleted all the information I entered, so he could give it a go. Which is a good idea. I just need to BREATHE. BM, nurse from Fargo (did you know that I know 4 people with the initials BM?!) called to make sure I have my kit, and that i'll get blood drawn today and overnight it to Fed Ex. I need to grocery shop. I need to figure out tomorrow. I just want to STOP. I am smart enough and wise enough to understand that I have an opportunity here, a brilliant, shining opportunity. I can conciously CHOOSE to let go of this stress. I can choose what I want to feel and how I want to "see" things. I can chill out and not worry, which is what I am letting go of right now as I type this. I will not worry anymore. Work is going to be fine. I am going to get to my appt this afternoon. I will get groceries bought this afternoon. Everything is okay. Everyone is great! The kids are ready for me to have surgery, I am ready, Cullen is ready. He expressed that it has hit him that he will be sitting for 5-6 hours, waiting for news on the surgery, feeling concerned. I would rather be me than him! I don't like the waiting and worrying part. Me? I'll get hit with some of the sleepy meds, feel INCREDIBLY fun for a few minutes, to the point of having to work really hard to get my self onto the operating table, and then BLAMO! I'm out. And one half of a second later, I will be woken up.

And I'll say "Did it really finally happen?" and she'll say "yes! you did great!" and then I'll zone out and struggle for an hour to stay concious so that I can see Cullen asap. And I'll finally feel a little ouch where the incision is, where my insides are already starting to heal, and I'll have confirmation that indeed, my very cool body gave up a kidney and Righty will even right then be working for both.



CAN'T WAIT.



Okay. Weepies are still here, but I'm no longer worried about all the extra stuff happening. I love making concious choices!

This is the first paired exchange for the U!!!

I guess I did not realize that!!!!!!
I just ...did not realize that!
They asked permission for the PR people to be in the OR filming, and said that the media would be all over this, but that we'd talk later, after the other donors and recipients are on their way to recovery- talk about talking to the media.

It's their FIRST ONE!!!!!!!!!
I GET TO BE A PART OF THEIR FIRST ONE!!!!! just to clarify- it's NOT their first kidney transplant, but their first paired exchange!!!!!!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get to leave a GOOD mark somewhere!

ONE WEEK TIL KIDNEY DONATION!

ONE WEEK! ONE WEEK! ONE WEEK!

When we came home from the cabin yesterday, I had 2 very exciting pieces of mail waiting for me. MY TSHIRT came, and it looks awesome and I love LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I can't wait to wear it! And I received my papers from the U walking me through next Monday, which is an all day testing/meeting with surgeons day, and surgery day. I have to be at the hospital on Tuesday by 5am. FIVE AM. OUCH. I supose it's a good thing since I will not be sleeping the night before anyway, right? I CAN'T WAIT!
It has officially begun: Getting Ready For Surgery. Getting arrangements made, cleaning the kids' rooms, working out, taking iron pills, eating as good as I can, planning on where my "bed" will be afterwards....
I CAN'T WAIT!!! If I'm suposed to be nervous, I'm just not. I keep thinking about how it's someone's---THREE someone's last week on dialysis!!!!!!! Isn't that the BEST?!?!?!?!?

In Other News, I was beginning to wonder what the next big dream would be, but I think that Cullen and I have it figured out now. I think we know what it is. I don't know if I should say it out loud yet, but I will soon. It has everything to do with NOT WAITING to do NOW what we want. You know how people talk about "someday, we want to..." or "after we retire..." we are starting to kick around some of those ideas and wondering WHY WAIT. What are we waiting for? It is SO MUCH FUN dreaming and then making it happen.

More later!
Happy Last Tuesday To Me With Both Of My Kidneys!

Weepies

I wonder if this will continue right through til surgery? I wonder where it comes from? With the hysterectomy, it was more understandable. The uterus comes with some emotional baggage often, and it sure did with me. The babies that made it and the ones who didn't all started there, you know? I was surprised after the surgery that all of those feelings were gone and I will tell everyone I know that that was the best surgery ever. i don't miss my period even a little bit. LOVE IT.

But I'm weepy. Over commercials, happy and sad, at TV shows, when I think about this surgery, I cry happy love tears. FINALLY.
I have had 2 surgeries to "take care of myself" so I could do this one. I woke up from the gall bladder surgery with tears, knowing that that was the last surgery I had to have before the kidney one.

Fargo just called me. The nurse from Fargo actually was in MN yesterday and happened to drive by my work. Isn't that funny?!? Anyway, the 13th is on. He asked, and he's hinted at this before, but outright ASKED this time, and asked me to pretty please be as honest as I could about it, if I would want to meet the recipient. The recipient ("he") wants to meet me for sure. Why does THAT make me cry? it makes me cry, cry, cry. Then Aaron just told me about when he was at the Mayo with his dad, he was sitting where he could see the Gift Of Hope house, where transplant patients stay. He saw some reunions and said that it was "pretty deep" to watch, which makes my love tears even bigger. I remember watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition, and a man who donated his bone marrow and saved a woman who had leukemia's life was on...she didn't know he was coming, and the whole way there he was crying, crying, crying and I remember thinking that it was interesting that *HE* was so emotional about it. Now I think I get why. It's one thing to KNOW that you're doing something big that is going to change the world for someone, but to EXPERIENCE it by meeting them, and SEEING what you've done....BIG FAT LOVE TEARS. And it's slightly embarrassing too. I know- I LOVE attention, but THAT attention is different. That attention is slightly embarrassing.

YOWSA.

And so I'm weepy. I remember this feeling too after losing babies...colors were a little brighter, I loved the people around me a little more--- I mean, loved them til I was crying with gratitude, feeling every little nice thing that anyone does bigger than normal.
And it's good. It's a very good thing. Shine on, me! Cullen said he'll love me right through the weepies. Can't you hardly wait til I get to wake up from the surgery? I get to wake up and know that after all this time, all this waiting, and testing, and hoping, and praying...finally, I will have gotten to give of myself in a big way. YAY.