Sucky Friend

I've been thinking about this for awhile and have been abnormally slow to post it.

I think that I owe all of my darling friends who helped support me and get me through Cullen working nights a big apology. I was extremely dependent on those friends, perhaps without them even realizing just how much so I was. Without Cullen around to bounce things off of, vent to, share ideas with, LAUGH with...well, not more than a half hour or so every day, anyway...I really, truly, openly shared all of me with my friends. I looked forward to drop in visits, weekends full of having family and neighbors over, being surrounded by these beautiful lights that were keeping me going.
And then Cullen stopped working 2nd shift.
And without meaning to, without PURPOSELY doing it, I "disappeared". My focus shifted from staying caught up with all of my friends, to getting reacquainted with Cullen and rebuilding our "family" life. Our family life of going out as a family, and doing things- with the Mom, The Dad, and all four of our kiddos. We committed to not falling into the "norm" of eating dinner and sitting in front of the TV, not talking, putting kids to bed and going to bed. We want to go out and SEE things, FEEL things, DO things. Which is what we've done.
I know MFN has felt the impact the most, since I HAD to see her every day for my comic relief and girlie bonding (not BONDAGE, bonding! haha). I'm so sorry. I LOVE when I get to see you, I have so much fun with you and I appreciate everything you've done to take care of me while I've been Recovery Girl! I love you and thank you for your sweet understanding while I switch back into "normal family" mode vs "single parent" mode. And thank you and I'm sorry to any and all of my other friends who have noticed Nicki's Disappearing Act. When I think about the fact that Cullen is not ever going back to 2nd shift again, and the longer that he is home like "normal" people are home, I realize just how much I was relying on Everyone Else. I don't know if you felt it or not, but THANK YOU for carrying me all that time. When he first was home and struggling to reconcile how long he'd been gone and not a part of us (not really, anyway), he kept saying that I'd replaced him with all these people, and I argued that I didn't, but now I can kinda see more where he was coming from. It didn't feel like that was what I was doing, and I truly did not have that particular intention in mind while living life and loving friends.
Anyways...if the enormous silence (haha) that I may have "left" (or maybe not!) made you think "that stupid Nicki, dumps her friends for her husband!" I apologize!