No, that's not J_____ B______ who was just mentioned in the other post.
No, this is JUSTIN BIEBER.
I am so sorry to tell you guys this (okay, not really sorry at all) but I don't give a rat's ass about him. I don't care about his movie, I don't care that he's dating Selena Gomez (shoot me for knowing that AND for knowing who she is, please), I don't care if he has a "good story".
You wouldn't believe how many of my mommy friends have gone to see his movie!!! One has even CRIED!!!! And she didn't care about him before, either.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Make it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Talk to me about Etta James and Billie Holiday and Amos Lee and John Lennon and Tori and Tracy Chapman and Oh God I can go on and on and on....but please don't tell me that Justin's arrangements and teenage crooning is all that incredible. I'll tell you what- I'll make a deal with you. Maybe not *you* but the you's out there who went to see the movie and would go again and are fans of his. If he is still making music in another 15 years, I will go see his movie.
Until then, gag me with a spoon and stop telling me he's a great musican. I don't buy it.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Good Idea!
Did I already tell you my great idea?
I may have.
I think it's time we go back to old school and doctors start making house calls again. This would save a lot of people a lot of time. Are there any private practice doctors who aren't affiliated with a hospital that even have that freedom? Perhaps that's not the way it even works. What do I know?
Doesn't my post look So Much More Important because it's all in italics?
Do you have anyone or anything that brings you comfort just by thinking about them/it? That's kind of a nice magic trick, isn't it? To extract comfort without even having contact? I hope that happens for me with my mother in law, after she goes. Right now it happens for me with someone else who is still alive, but I'm very happy that I have that security blankey within reach, whenever I really need it.
This weekend, the most dreaded person I can think of personally popped up on my Friends You May Know list. This was bound to happen at some point. I didn't feel a thing when I saw him. I even nosed around his friend list, to see one of his younger brothers. The one that I felt like had the best chance of escaping his childhood without becoming a crazy abusive monster. He is SOOOOO adorable. OMG, his smile is still precious. I love him! I hope he has escaped it. I loved seeing his picture.
Then, just a wee bit, some of the *mad* crept in. I kept it mostly under control and I got another perspective on all that went down back then. It's kinda kick ass, actually. Here it is: I did just about everything you can think of that is "bad" when I was with him (minus drugs and stuff). All the things I did---if you sat and told someone all the things I did and they didn't know me, they would judge me harshly. HARSHLY. And the things I did absolutely warranted that. But even so, I knew that I was better than what I was doing. I knew that no matter what, I wasn't worth of such harsh judgment. That's kinda a kick ass place to be in. Maybe I was proving to myself that there was nothing so horrible that I could do that would ever make me worthy of that? Who knows. But Icky. I don't know if I felt happy or sad to see that he looks miserable, in general. I bet nothing much has changed for him, except that he's probably convinced that the whole world has a problem, the same problem I had, whatever he thought that was. It has probably no occurred to him that it's him. Isn't that sad? Maybe he has realized it, and has worked on it and is happy? I should hope for that. He could break the cycle.
Barfy.
Anyways, thank God the sun is out, but I am truly at just about the end of my ability to continue on with cold weather. I desperately need to be outside and not shivering, and i need to bring the kids outside too.
I drank coffee without creamer today. I'm a champ. Only 1.5 cups. This might be my ticket to caffeine freedom too. We're going to find out, people.
I may have.
I think it's time we go back to old school and doctors start making house calls again. This would save a lot of people a lot of time. Are there any private practice doctors who aren't affiliated with a hospital that even have that freedom? Perhaps that's not the way it even works. What do I know?
Doesn't my post look So Much More Important because it's all in italics?
Do you have anyone or anything that brings you comfort just by thinking about them/it? That's kind of a nice magic trick, isn't it? To extract comfort without even having contact? I hope that happens for me with my mother in law, after she goes. Right now it happens for me with someone else who is still alive, but I'm very happy that I have that security blankey within reach, whenever I really need it.
This weekend, the most dreaded person I can think of personally popped up on my Friends You May Know list. This was bound to happen at some point. I didn't feel a thing when I saw him. I even nosed around his friend list, to see one of his younger brothers. The one that I felt like had the best chance of escaping his childhood without becoming a crazy abusive monster. He is SOOOOO adorable. OMG, his smile is still precious. I love him! I hope he has escaped it. I loved seeing his picture.
Then, just a wee bit, some of the *mad* crept in. I kept it mostly under control and I got another perspective on all that went down back then. It's kinda kick ass, actually. Here it is: I did just about everything you can think of that is "bad" when I was with him (minus drugs and stuff). All the things I did---if you sat and told someone all the things I did and they didn't know me, they would judge me harshly. HARSHLY. And the things I did absolutely warranted that. But even so, I knew that I was better than what I was doing. I knew that no matter what, I wasn't worth of such harsh judgment. That's kinda a kick ass place to be in. Maybe I was proving to myself that there was nothing so horrible that I could do that would ever make me worthy of that? Who knows. But Icky. I don't know if I felt happy or sad to see that he looks miserable, in general. I bet nothing much has changed for him, except that he's probably convinced that the whole world has a problem, the same problem I had, whatever he thought that was. It has probably no occurred to him that it's him. Isn't that sad? Maybe he has realized it, and has worked on it and is happy? I should hope for that. He could break the cycle.
Barfy.
Anyways, thank God the sun is out, but I am truly at just about the end of my ability to continue on with cold weather. I desperately need to be outside and not shivering, and i need to bring the kids outside too.
I drank coffee without creamer today. I'm a champ. Only 1.5 cups. This might be my ticket to caffeine freedom too. We're going to find out, people.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Yeah, I did it. So what? :P
Momma sent me a thing from Groupon- are you familiar with them? Groupon.com if you aren't. Check it. At the very least, it's entertaining writing. The *thing* she sent was for a position being a writer-upper for their *things*. I'm very technical this afternoon, I know. Just try to keep up, would ya?
Anyway- so I did it. I applied. Big freakin whoop, right?
I re-read what I sent and I have to say, although I find myself to be "easily entertained", I was entertained by what I re-read! I even giggled at me! This is important for what reason, you're asking? Well, because. Here's why.
My practice audience doesn't give me much to go on. Cullen has a learning disability---and I blame that for his lack of ability to care much at all about creative writing. He doesn't. He had THE blankest look on his face when I read my Groupon sample to him. In fact, the first time, he was sweet enough to be reading something else entirely while I read it to him. I looked at him expectantly, and when he realized I was reading something that required feedback, he sheepishly admitted to not listening and asked me to re read it. He gave him his full attention the second time, and when I got done, he still had that blank look on his face. Then he uttered "I don't get it." I sighed heavily, and took each section apart for him, while he nodded and tried to look encouraging.
The good thing about all that nonsense is that I did not take that to mean that my writing sucks so much that he didn't understand a thing I said. No, I know better than that. I know it's him. So my other two audience members were a little more interested, but at 9 and 7, they listened and wanted to know when we can go to Georgia so we can visit the Sea Kayak place. They did not have much to offer me on what I actually wrote. Oh, sure, I could bounce it off of MFN or any of my creative minded friends, but that's cheating anyway. If I WERE to get this position (and I'm sure hundred will apply and my chances are slim and that's okay), I wouldn't be double checking my shit with anyone around me anyway. I know good when I read good.
And guess what?
I'm good.
Anyway- so I did it. I applied. Big freakin whoop, right?
I re-read what I sent and I have to say, although I find myself to be "easily entertained", I was entertained by what I re-read! I even giggled at me! This is important for what reason, you're asking? Well, because. Here's why.
My practice audience doesn't give me much to go on. Cullen has a learning disability---and I blame that for his lack of ability to care much at all about creative writing. He doesn't. He had THE blankest look on his face when I read my Groupon sample to him. In fact, the first time, he was sweet enough to be reading something else entirely while I read it to him. I looked at him expectantly, and when he realized I was reading something that required feedback, he sheepishly admitted to not listening and asked me to re read it. He gave him his full attention the second time, and when I got done, he still had that blank look on his face. Then he uttered "I don't get it." I sighed heavily, and took each section apart for him, while he nodded and tried to look encouraging.
The good thing about all that nonsense is that I did not take that to mean that my writing sucks so much that he didn't understand a thing I said. No, I know better than that. I know it's him. So my other two audience members were a little more interested, but at 9 and 7, they listened and wanted to know when we can go to Georgia so we can visit the Sea Kayak place. They did not have much to offer me on what I actually wrote. Oh, sure, I could bounce it off of MFN or any of my creative minded friends, but that's cheating anyway. If I WERE to get this position (and I'm sure hundred will apply and my chances are slim and that's okay), I wouldn't be double checking my shit with anyone around me anyway. I know good when I read good.
And guess what?
I'm good.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Loving notes
I'm sharing this for 1 reason, really.
Because I was just feeling exactly the opposite- which sounds stupid, I know. Here I just posted this great news that Shannon shared with me and all. No matter WHAT HAPPENS, I have a list of people who love me. A whole LIST. They love me all the time! So I understand how silly it is of me really, when I start feeling a little bit alone, or like no one in the whole world understands me. And it DOES feel like that, probably a little too often for how "smart" I am. Maybe a better way to say it is that it sometimes feels like no one can handle me in my full glory? And I don't mean naked. I mean when I'm full-out- happy or full-out- sad, not hiding any of it, not reeling any of it in. When I'm so happy that I'm slap-clapping (as my sister calls it, and then tells me that it's ridiculous and needs to stop NOW).
I was reading blogs of people who seem to dive into the great deep, much, much deeper than I can handle, and feeling a little sad about it. I get lost about half way. I stop understanding, and my head feels fuzzy. I must keep it relatively simple...and I think I do. Thoughts Become Things and Love Is All That Matters. Those 2 things make my world go 'round. I read some blogs and feel like there can't POSSIBLY be anything that I have to say that can or will affect anyone or anything. This is how I was feeling when I read this email- and I'll share with you that this is from Cullen's aunt, the one who has been engaging me in a religious discussion that I keep trying not to have. She is very, very graceful and terrific at dealing with me, I must say.
Because I was just feeling exactly the opposite- which sounds stupid, I know. Here I just posted this great news that Shannon shared with me and all. No matter WHAT HAPPENS, I have a list of people who love me. A whole LIST. They love me all the time! So I understand how silly it is of me really, when I start feeling a little bit alone, or like no one in the whole world understands me. And it DOES feel like that, probably a little too often for how "smart" I am. Maybe a better way to say it is that it sometimes feels like no one can handle me in my full glory? And I don't mean naked. I mean when I'm full-out- happy or full-out- sad, not hiding any of it, not reeling any of it in. When I'm so happy that I'm slap-clapping (as my sister calls it, and then tells me that it's ridiculous and needs to stop NOW).
I was reading blogs of people who seem to dive into the great deep, much, much deeper than I can handle, and feeling a little sad about it. I get lost about half way. I stop understanding, and my head feels fuzzy. I must keep it relatively simple...and I think I do. Thoughts Become Things and Love Is All That Matters. Those 2 things make my world go 'round. I read some blogs and feel like there can't POSSIBLY be anything that I have to say that can or will affect anyone or anything. This is how I was feeling when I read this email- and I'll share with you that this is from Cullen's aunt, the one who has been engaging me in a religious discussion that I keep trying not to have. She is very, very graceful and terrific at dealing with me, I must say.
Hi Nicky, that is so great, I am so amazed at what you were willing to give of yourself in that regard, God has given you such a loving heart for His people and you respond in such a self-sacrificing way, I truly admire that.
The other day I was telling someone about you and this is what I said you were like. I said she has such a loving heart, non judgmental of others and happy about life. and so willing to help out anyone you can.
Also that you are intelligent and searching for true understanding of God, yourself and others. You are a joy to be around. I thought it might be nice to share that with you too. Sometimes we ofter think things and don't say them. Remember if you can ever get away for a walk let me know. If it is cold we could maybe walk a mall. Keep up that good work. Betty
I can't get the effing italics or bold to stop. It's ridiculous. Anyway, wasn't that a nice note? It's so nice to have it turned around on me like that. That's the kind of thing that we like to do!
Here's one more, and I promise that I post every love note I have received or will, but it came from such a surprising place- Andrea. Someday, I'm going to ask her to tell her story on my Warrior Momma blog, because this girl is a WARRIOR MOMMA. Her own Warrior Momma was snowmobiling with her dad and others, and he had an accident and Andrea's Warrior Momma was the one to find him, no longer occupying his body. Andrea since has gotten married and had children and her momma found love again. It's worth hearing in her voice. I haven't seen her in years, and only chatted with her briefly when we were putting together the book of love notes for Jane. This is what I got:
Hey lady! How are things going? Good hopefully. So I just felt it necessary to tell you how great you are! and it might be a little more selfish of me because I feel LUCKY to know you. when I read things you write you make me want to do more with my life. Your words tend to inspire me to want to do good things. Thank you
I also was wondering what sort of information you might have on homeschooling, I am really looking for any sort of information/tips you might have. We have been talking alot about doing this and considering Wesley starts Kindergarden in Sept.
love you!!
I don't know which part of the note made me feel happier- the first, or getting a chance to dump what I know about home schooling onto another! :)
Really, truly- why don't we all stop for a second and pass it on to someone else? I might stop and get Allyssa flowers. But she knows that I would die without her....there must be someone else out there who would feel it deep down to hear about how we feel. So...let's find them. GO!
I can't get the effing italics or bold to stop. It's ridiculous. Anyway, wasn't that a nice note? It's so nice to have it turned around on me like that. That's the kind of thing that we like to do!
Here's one more, and I promise that I post every love note I have received or will, but it came from such a surprising place- Andrea. Someday, I'm going to ask her to tell her story on my Warrior Momma blog, because this girl is a WARRIOR MOMMA. Her own Warrior Momma was snowmobiling with her dad and others, and he had an accident and Andrea's Warrior Momma was the one to find him, no longer occupying his body. Andrea since has gotten married and had children and her momma found love again. It's worth hearing in her voice. I haven't seen her in years, and only chatted with her briefly when we were putting together the book of love notes for Jane. This is what I got:
Hey lady! How are things going? Good hopefully. So I just felt it necessary to tell you how great you are! and it might be a little more selfish of me because I feel LUCKY to know you. when I read things you write you make me want to do more with my life. Your words tend to inspire me to want to do good things. Thank you
I also was wondering what sort of information you might have on homeschooling, I am really looking for any sort of information/tips you might have. We have been talking alot about doing this and considering Wesley starts Kindergarden in Sept.
love you!!
I don't know which part of the note made me feel happier- the first, or getting a chance to dump what I know about home schooling onto another! :)
Really, truly- why don't we all stop for a second and pass it on to someone else? I might stop and get Allyssa flowers. But she knows that I would die without her....there must be someone else out there who would feel it deep down to hear about how we feel. So...let's find them. GO!
*laughing and clapping* I KNOW BETTER!
I know better, I know better, I KNOW BETTER! One of these days I will learn and I will NEVER EVER EVER shed a tear over a made up scenario just to see what it feels like. And when that happens, LOOK OUT. You think I'm a manifesting fool NOW? I'll be positively UNSTOPPABLE then. Look what I got this morning- and be warned, it's possible you will not feel as joyous and happy as I do over reading it, but I DO I DO I DO I DO!!! From One Very Kick Ass Shannon:
Ended up seeing Dr misty this time, Was so impressed. I have gained 30 lbs and my numbers are wonderful, said I got a good one. Has are pictures framed on a wall in his clinic from the luncheon at abbott, pretty proud of it. Also saw Brian couldn't tell me any names But someone in Minot has approached to be a starter donor for a chain. because of the news coverage. Said that the person would want to get a hold of us if accepted and you also, to ask questions. But is getting the testing and approval for another chain now, you know how that goes. Isn't that great. Just got done at the motel so hitting the bed, Talk Later. Tell Cullen welcome home. Shannon
DID YOU HEAR THAT?????? DID YOU??? Not only is he still having good health, someone in his town wants to start a chain too! DID YOU HEAR THAT!!!!!
YAY!!!!
Ended up seeing Dr misty this time, Was so impressed. I have gained 30 lbs and my numbers are wonderful, said I got a good one. Has are pictures framed on a wall in his clinic from the luncheon at abbott, pretty proud of it. Also saw Brian couldn't tell me any names But someone in Minot has approached to be a starter donor for a chain. because of the news coverage. Said that the person would want to get a hold of us if accepted and you also, to ask questions. But is getting the testing and approval for another chain now, you know how that goes. Isn't that great. Just got done at the motel so hitting the bed, Talk Later. Tell Cullen welcome home. Shannon
DID YOU HEAR THAT?????? DID YOU??? Not only is he still having good health, someone in his town wants to start a chain too! DID YOU HEAR THAT!!!!!
YAY!!!!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Last night...
Last night I fell asleep with Cullen playing with my hair.
Does life get any better than that?
Does life get any better than that?
There are no do overs.
*normal disclaimer* "Exuberant Leo Jumps To Wild Conclusions Without Any Hard Evidence!"
Got it? Nothing solid happening here.
Shannon and his sister have been at Fargo for testing and such. I am almost positive that at his 6 month check up he was released to his own PCP for care, in Minot. So it was a little suspicious. They'd been there for 2 days in a row. I did email him this morning to see how they are doing and what the doc said. He's said very little about it, I don't know if he'll tell me if something is going on or not.
I did tell him awhile ago that that isn't MY kidney, it's his and that I don't want him to feel weird if and when things go on. I know life is not nearly as easy as the recipient. My life has gone back to normal and I know his didn't. Recipients go through it, when they get kidneys. They feel a hell of a lot better, but keeping your body from rejecting it is one thing, and the fact that a hundred other things can go wrong is another.
So that's where it's at- I have no solid evidence of anything, other than them going to Fargo.
Because I am me, I went ahead and imagined that there's a rejection episode or somesuch. Just to try it on and all, because I've been pretty positive that I would be "fine" and be disconnected from the kidney if that happened. I am happy to report that indeed, I AM disconnected from the kidney in that instance, but I found myself very teary over the idea that Shannon might be sick. Then I started feeling sad for Shelia if Shannon gets sick- she's already lost one brother and to watch helplessly if he gets sick again... And My Darling Friend already patted me on the back and reminded me that nothing could ever take away the gift I gave, which was of love ultimately, and 4 other people got kidneys because I gave, but there is something that would hurt in a very particular way if, say, the kidney failed altogether. For Shannon, I think. I can't pinpoint what would hurt, I'd feel like I let him down somehow...well, I guess it would be the "common" response to anything like that. When we try to do something nice for someone and it just doesn't work out the way we thought or wished.
I just thought I'd share that because I tend to bumble through life brushing off all the concerns, and because in real life something could very well be going on right now....well....I cried when I imagined him being sick again.
But we'll see. Maybe I'll email his sister. She might tell me more as another donor?
It's really- REALLY none of my business, outside of the fact that I love and honor each of them for what they've done and been through. Maybe I won't email her.
Blah!
It's Friday, and I made it. Cullen's off today, and has his day all planned out full of running around. He works tomorrow. Tomorrow I had all sorts of plans but Caiden is coming over so I'm bailing on most of them so it won't feel overwhelming and I can pretend to have a 2 day weekend. :)
Got it? Nothing solid happening here.
Shannon and his sister have been at Fargo for testing and such. I am almost positive that at his 6 month check up he was released to his own PCP for care, in Minot. So it was a little suspicious. They'd been there for 2 days in a row. I did email him this morning to see how they are doing and what the doc said. He's said very little about it, I don't know if he'll tell me if something is going on or not.
I did tell him awhile ago that that isn't MY kidney, it's his and that I don't want him to feel weird if and when things go on. I know life is not nearly as easy as the recipient. My life has gone back to normal and I know his didn't. Recipients go through it, when they get kidneys. They feel a hell of a lot better, but keeping your body from rejecting it is one thing, and the fact that a hundred other things can go wrong is another.
So that's where it's at- I have no solid evidence of anything, other than them going to Fargo.
Because I am me, I went ahead and imagined that there's a rejection episode or somesuch. Just to try it on and all, because I've been pretty positive that I would be "fine" and be disconnected from the kidney if that happened. I am happy to report that indeed, I AM disconnected from the kidney in that instance, but I found myself very teary over the idea that Shannon might be sick. Then I started feeling sad for Shelia if Shannon gets sick- she's already lost one brother and to watch helplessly if he gets sick again... And My Darling Friend already patted me on the back and reminded me that nothing could ever take away the gift I gave, which was of love ultimately, and 4 other people got kidneys because I gave, but there is something that would hurt in a very particular way if, say, the kidney failed altogether. For Shannon, I think. I can't pinpoint what would hurt, I'd feel like I let him down somehow...well, I guess it would be the "common" response to anything like that. When we try to do something nice for someone and it just doesn't work out the way we thought or wished.
I just thought I'd share that because I tend to bumble through life brushing off all the concerns, and because in real life something could very well be going on right now....well....I cried when I imagined him being sick again.
But we'll see. Maybe I'll email his sister. She might tell me more as another donor?
It's really- REALLY none of my business, outside of the fact that I love and honor each of them for what they've done and been through. Maybe I won't email her.
Blah!
It's Friday, and I made it. Cullen's off today, and has his day all planned out full of running around. He works tomorrow. Tomorrow I had all sorts of plans but Caiden is coming over so I'm bailing on most of them so it won't feel overwhelming and I can pretend to have a 2 day weekend. :)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Stages
Isn't it interesting to see people go through the stages of life? Especially when you've already been there, done that- meaning that you can recognize the things they are experiencing, but you can see it in a whole new light?
*side note* it's only 25% light outside, and the cardinal is going to town and I LOVE IT. I WANT SPRING TO BE HERE.
Where was I?I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by people who are already at The Next Stage, so instead of judging how they are doing with it, I'm taking notes fast and furious because I see how that there are things that we all DO go through, as we move through them.
But part of me is still irritated. Who MADE these the stages and why do we all keep following along? Who the hell said "get a boyfriend. get married. get pregnant. Live your life. Go." and we all were like YES! YES! OKAY! I know, part of it is that we're wired. Even people without husbands or boyfriends or who have girlfriends get The Urge to reproduce. I know all this. I still just think it's a silly way to box ourselves in.
So here is my take on the stages.
1. The Boyfriend. WHOOO HOOO! Who doesn't love a new boyfriend or girlfriend? Everything is new and fabulous and you just can't wait to get kissed.
2. The First Few Boyfriend Fights: The stuff that makes it or breaks it. You haven't invested A LOT of time, so breaking up is relatively painless, and you can make a solid decision one way or another (as can he). Who wants to walk away from all the great sex? (someday, looking back, you'll wonder if you did anything besides eat food, sleep and have great sex).
3. Getting Serious: You either move in with him or he with you. Now the fights start getting a little more serious, and either more frequent, or less frequent as you start really figuring out how to "get along". More opportunities to break up or grow stronger. Still lots of great sex.
4. He's Proposed! Congratulations! What girl doesn't want to plan her wedding? I am, of course, a big poop about this too, since I've already done it. I get that we all want to feel like Cinderella, and go ahead and get dressed up, but I would suggest spending as little money as possible on it. 50% at LEAST of marriages don't work out, you have no idea what you're saying up there (no, really, you don't. It's not a slam. We all have done it.). It will be your first experience of what pregnancy is like: a whole lot of work for months and months and months and then BAM- over. Wedding will be done. Real life resumes.
5. First Wedded Fight: Now, I'm not saying that weddings are BAD- I do have my own idea about marriage, but it ain't gonna stop anyone from wanting to do it, or doing it. And there is something comforting about knowing someone is going to be there, calling them your husband, and all the Great Sex you'll have now as husband and wife (without children). But you will also have your first wedded fight- and these fights felt a little different to me. Did they to you (you marrieds?)? Things seemed to matter just a little bit more. Just breaking up isn't an option so much anymore. But let's get on with it! You're MARRIED NOW!!! You live together and everything! Clearly, the next step is to RECREATE!!!
6. I'm PREGNANT! (not me....no uterus, have 4, do daycare, NOT ME. YOU!)I have to be careful here so I don't write a book. Ya'll know I could go on and on about it. Maybe you will have issues getting pregnant---that in itself could take up 2 pages. You don't want to know how it feels to have to try really hard, you don't want to know what it's like to miscarry, or have to make choices about IUI and IVF or adoption. You also don't want to know how that can affect your marriage since all that Great Sex you're having is at the very root of this. Unless you've been there (and I have a very very special place in my heart for those who have, I love you, and I'm sorry, so sorry when it's hard), you really don't want to know. But we'll say that you're still having all that Great Sex, and bam, you get pregnant. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. Again, I can write a book- I loved it. Maybe not so much the first time- I loved being pregnant but GOD was I sick. So you're pukey and tired (and if you haven't been pregnant, again, these words don't mean anything because you can't even imagine the feeling of pregnant pukey or pregnant tired). At the very least you'll be dead ass tired. It's pass out wherever you are tired. Cannot wake up in the morning or stay away tired. We'll talk when you get there if you haven't been there yet, because there are really good spots along the way, but guess what. Your adorable husband, who is thrilled you are pregnant, cannot even begin to sympathize with you. Welcome aboard, Momma. Every man has his limit. Your life has stopped in many ways for a little while, and he cannot guess as to how you feel because he has never, and will never do anything that resembles this even just a little. 2nd tri- sometimes the tiredness lifts. Your belly is showing some. The world might guess that you're pregnant. There are men out in the world who LOVE pregnant women and will dote on you simply for that reason. Eat it up. It's the best!!!! Sometimes, hormones kick in and sex is going to be Out Of This World. You haven't had good sex until you've had it on these pregnancy hormones. Holy cats! And it's weird because you can feel your entire bigger uterus contracting during orgasms. Sometimes it's the opposite and sex is like one of the foods that made you puke just thinking about it, if you were a puker. You never know what you're going to get, and it can differ between pregnancies also.
Anyways- it goes without saying that the 3rd tri gets so horribly uncomfortable that you wish for the worst pain you've ever known, just to get it over with.
And then you fall in love, a love so much bigger than anything you've ever known before.
7. Welcome to having a newborn. Nothing will ever look the same again. When you come out on the other side of this, and you WILL, the world will look even better. You didn't realize you gave birth to the whole world, but you did. All kids are now your children. You feel everything bigger. Now you have to remember Who You Were/Are, and incorporate your new role as Mother On Duty 24/7 again. Your husband's life returns to "normal" fairly quickly. He'll go back to work. Yours will never be the same. I'm not saying he doesn't love the baby. He does. He did not gain 25-50 pounds being pregnant, he doesn't have the leftovers of that, and his body is not making milk- if you choose not to use your milk, you have to go through the drying up process (and that's hormone laden also). Your milk comes down when the baby cries, when someone elses baby cries, when you think too hard about feeding the baby, and when you have an orgasm. Awesome. You smell chronically of spit up, and breast milk for a little while. And then, your darling husband, who loves you to pieces, is going to want to make love again. Good luck with that. :) We all make it through, but it takes a little getting used to. And it is not uncommon after first babies for it to NOT be enjoyable for us for the first ____ times. It will get better. But this might be the first time when you actually think "OMG. I don't think I can do this right now. I'd rather be dead in a coffin getting some *sleep*." ;) You are officially in the Mommy Club.
You also might start resenting hubby sometimes, for how normal his life appears, while you are up feeding the baby all night long (he has to go to work in the morning). If you choose to go back to work at 6 weeks, your in for a round of tears, hormonal awful mommy guilt tears. I tell you, you have NEVER loved like you love this creature before.
See? A book. I'm not even close to covering what all happens with newborns. We haven't talked about teething, acid reflux, colick...none of that yet. I'll skip it. Let's just say that suddenly you realize ALL that was important to you before was eating, sleeping and having sex. Life was a PARTY beforehand and you did not realize it.
8. At some point, a New Normal appears. Life still revolves around feedings, naps, trying to get sleep yourself, but there is a new normal. You might start to realize there's another human living with you. Reintroduce yourself.
I'll stop doing this in mini steps because I'm pretty sure you get the point.
9. A couple of kids later, your challenges are a MILLION times different than they were a few years ago. You deal with discipline, making money to support this family, finding time to enjoy husband and wife time. If you're really smart and really lucky, you will make this a priority. Your relationship looks a LOT different now. There's so many more things that go into it. Lots of people divorce. LOTS. Especially after kids. This is a real thing. Your man still needs attention even if you're totally tapped out at the end of the day. The smart man will know that you still need to be recognized as YOU, not just the mother of his children. The best is when he honors you as the mother of his children AND as you, 2 seperate but intertwined entities. And like I said, he needs attention to. Men go creeping all the time to find someone who will give them attention. As do women. Mommies go creeping all the time (intentionally or not, on both counts) looking for someone to escape to, someone they don't need to remind 50 times to do a thing, someone who wants nothing from them except Who They Are. It happens. Constantly.
10. If we're lucky, our kids make it to teenage years. Now we deal with them doing the things that we did, that we wish we hadn't. Or maybe we had a BLAST but we see how not cool it actually was. They do it all anyway. I'm not here yet. I'm taking notes from my sister in law who is.
EVENTUALLY we, if we make it through it together, end up alone again, but in a different way. Our kids go and come home and leave. Our hearts still break with theirs, we'll still cry over them, rejoice, but we can relate to them differently. And to our husbands/significant other in a different way.
All I know is this: marriage ain't NO JOKE. Especially once you have kids. You do NOT love your significant other without condition. You don't. Say you do all you want to, talk to me in 10 years and a kid or two later. Even just one kid. Give birth, and then tell me that it's not a completely different love. It just so is- which means that it's easier to see the other as expendable when you've had enough of their going on, enough of them criticizing you for not keeping up on the housework the way they think you should, enough of them drinking, enough of them working horrible hours, enough of them avoiding responsibilities, enough of them not owning their issues, WHATEVER. Take your pick. Enough of their getting their love and attention somewhere else? Whatever- a million different things. It's no joke.
So- no matter where we are in the steps, it's good to know it's going to pass. And if we make it through together, the best stuff is after all that. The very best stuff comes in little moments, in small increments that will keep you going.
And of course, this is all through my eyes. There will be women who sail through pregnancy, women who have no identy crisis afterwords, husbands who will insist on getting up 6 times a night to bottle feed the baby while you sleep peacefully, husbands who massage your feet and don't want sex for 10 weeks after the baby comes, women who want sex 4 weeks after giving birth (CJ was the hardest for me, but I did fall into that second category with #2, 3 and 4). There will be men who lose their patience with their wives much sooner than some, and women who find their way faster than others through it all. Women who love going to work, women who love staying home, families that do with less to accomodate a change of ideas. If you can both make it through, I tell you, some things do get better.
Nothing stays the same, that's the awesome (?) thing. We're in for a new stage. All the time. The smartest thing we can do is KNOW THAT. Nothing is going to stay the same. You can take notes, too. You can commit to doing something you see happening differently. You can commit to try to keep something the same. You'll find out that there's a common thread that is unchangeable. Some things are simply unstoppable. And when you find that out, if you listen really closely, you'll hear the rest of us whispering "Welcome to the club."
And we mean it.
*side note* it's only 25% light outside, and the cardinal is going to town and I LOVE IT. I WANT SPRING TO BE HERE.
Where was I?I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by people who are already at The Next Stage, so instead of judging how they are doing with it, I'm taking notes fast and furious because I see how that there are things that we all DO go through, as we move through them.
But part of me is still irritated. Who MADE these the stages and why do we all keep following along? Who the hell said "get a boyfriend. get married. get pregnant. Live your life. Go." and we all were like YES! YES! OKAY! I know, part of it is that we're wired. Even people without husbands or boyfriends or who have girlfriends get The Urge to reproduce. I know all this. I still just think it's a silly way to box ourselves in.
So here is my take on the stages.
1. The Boyfriend. WHOOO HOOO! Who doesn't love a new boyfriend or girlfriend? Everything is new and fabulous and you just can't wait to get kissed.
2. The First Few Boyfriend Fights: The stuff that makes it or breaks it. You haven't invested A LOT of time, so breaking up is relatively painless, and you can make a solid decision one way or another (as can he). Who wants to walk away from all the great sex? (someday, looking back, you'll wonder if you did anything besides eat food, sleep and have great sex).
3. Getting Serious: You either move in with him or he with you. Now the fights start getting a little more serious, and either more frequent, or less frequent as you start really figuring out how to "get along". More opportunities to break up or grow stronger. Still lots of great sex.
4. He's Proposed! Congratulations! What girl doesn't want to plan her wedding? I am, of course, a big poop about this too, since I've already done it. I get that we all want to feel like Cinderella, and go ahead and get dressed up, but I would suggest spending as little money as possible on it. 50% at LEAST of marriages don't work out, you have no idea what you're saying up there (no, really, you don't. It's not a slam. We all have done it.). It will be your first experience of what pregnancy is like: a whole lot of work for months and months and months and then BAM- over. Wedding will be done. Real life resumes.
5. First Wedded Fight: Now, I'm not saying that weddings are BAD- I do have my own idea about marriage, but it ain't gonna stop anyone from wanting to do it, or doing it. And there is something comforting about knowing someone is going to be there, calling them your husband, and all the Great Sex you'll have now as husband and wife (without children). But you will also have your first wedded fight- and these fights felt a little different to me. Did they to you (you marrieds?)? Things seemed to matter just a little bit more. Just breaking up isn't an option so much anymore. But let's get on with it! You're MARRIED NOW!!! You live together and everything! Clearly, the next step is to RECREATE!!!
6. I'm PREGNANT! (not me....no uterus, have 4, do daycare, NOT ME. YOU!)I have to be careful here so I don't write a book. Ya'll know I could go on and on about it. Maybe you will have issues getting pregnant---that in itself could take up 2 pages. You don't want to know how it feels to have to try really hard, you don't want to know what it's like to miscarry, or have to make choices about IUI and IVF or adoption. You also don't want to know how that can affect your marriage since all that Great Sex you're having is at the very root of this. Unless you've been there (and I have a very very special place in my heart for those who have, I love you, and I'm sorry, so sorry when it's hard), you really don't want to know. But we'll say that you're still having all that Great Sex, and bam, you get pregnant. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. Again, I can write a book- I loved it. Maybe not so much the first time- I loved being pregnant but GOD was I sick. So you're pukey and tired (and if you haven't been pregnant, again, these words don't mean anything because you can't even imagine the feeling of pregnant pukey or pregnant tired). At the very least you'll be dead ass tired. It's pass out wherever you are tired. Cannot wake up in the morning or stay away tired. We'll talk when you get there if you haven't been there yet, because there are really good spots along the way, but guess what. Your adorable husband, who is thrilled you are pregnant, cannot even begin to sympathize with you. Welcome aboard, Momma. Every man has his limit. Your life has stopped in many ways for a little while, and he cannot guess as to how you feel because he has never, and will never do anything that resembles this even just a little. 2nd tri- sometimes the tiredness lifts. Your belly is showing some. The world might guess that you're pregnant. There are men out in the world who LOVE pregnant women and will dote on you simply for that reason. Eat it up. It's the best!!!! Sometimes, hormones kick in and sex is going to be Out Of This World. You haven't had good sex until you've had it on these pregnancy hormones. Holy cats! And it's weird because you can feel your entire bigger uterus contracting during orgasms. Sometimes it's the opposite and sex is like one of the foods that made you puke just thinking about it, if you were a puker. You never know what you're going to get, and it can differ between pregnancies also.
Anyways- it goes without saying that the 3rd tri gets so horribly uncomfortable that you wish for the worst pain you've ever known, just to get it over with.
And then you fall in love, a love so much bigger than anything you've ever known before.
7. Welcome to having a newborn. Nothing will ever look the same again. When you come out on the other side of this, and you WILL, the world will look even better. You didn't realize you gave birth to the whole world, but you did. All kids are now your children. You feel everything bigger. Now you have to remember Who You Were/Are, and incorporate your new role as Mother On Duty 24/7 again. Your husband's life returns to "normal" fairly quickly. He'll go back to work. Yours will never be the same. I'm not saying he doesn't love the baby. He does. He did not gain 25-50 pounds being pregnant, he doesn't have the leftovers of that, and his body is not making milk- if you choose not to use your milk, you have to go through the drying up process (and that's hormone laden also). Your milk comes down when the baby cries, when someone elses baby cries, when you think too hard about feeding the baby, and when you have an orgasm. Awesome. You smell chronically of spit up, and breast milk for a little while. And then, your darling husband, who loves you to pieces, is going to want to make love again. Good luck with that. :) We all make it through, but it takes a little getting used to. And it is not uncommon after first babies for it to NOT be enjoyable for us for the first ____ times. It will get better. But this might be the first time when you actually think "OMG. I don't think I can do this right now. I'd rather be dead in a coffin getting some *sleep*." ;) You are officially in the Mommy Club.
You also might start resenting hubby sometimes, for how normal his life appears, while you are up feeding the baby all night long (he has to go to work in the morning). If you choose to go back to work at 6 weeks, your in for a round of tears, hormonal awful mommy guilt tears. I tell you, you have NEVER loved like you love this creature before.
See? A book. I'm not even close to covering what all happens with newborns. We haven't talked about teething, acid reflux, colick...none of that yet. I'll skip it. Let's just say that suddenly you realize ALL that was important to you before was eating, sleeping and having sex. Life was a PARTY beforehand and you did not realize it.
8. At some point, a New Normal appears. Life still revolves around feedings, naps, trying to get sleep yourself, but there is a new normal. You might start to realize there's another human living with you. Reintroduce yourself.
I'll stop doing this in mini steps because I'm pretty sure you get the point.
9. A couple of kids later, your challenges are a MILLION times different than they were a few years ago. You deal with discipline, making money to support this family, finding time to enjoy husband and wife time. If you're really smart and really lucky, you will make this a priority. Your relationship looks a LOT different now. There's so many more things that go into it. Lots of people divorce. LOTS. Especially after kids. This is a real thing. Your man still needs attention even if you're totally tapped out at the end of the day. The smart man will know that you still need to be recognized as YOU, not just the mother of his children. The best is when he honors you as the mother of his children AND as you, 2 seperate but intertwined entities. And like I said, he needs attention to. Men go creeping all the time to find someone who will give them attention. As do women. Mommies go creeping all the time (intentionally or not, on both counts) looking for someone to escape to, someone they don't need to remind 50 times to do a thing, someone who wants nothing from them except Who They Are. It happens. Constantly.
10. If we're lucky, our kids make it to teenage years. Now we deal with them doing the things that we did, that we wish we hadn't. Or maybe we had a BLAST but we see how not cool it actually was. They do it all anyway. I'm not here yet. I'm taking notes from my sister in law who is.
EVENTUALLY we, if we make it through it together, end up alone again, but in a different way. Our kids go and come home and leave. Our hearts still break with theirs, we'll still cry over them, rejoice, but we can relate to them differently. And to our husbands/significant other in a different way.
All I know is this: marriage ain't NO JOKE. Especially once you have kids. You do NOT love your significant other without condition. You don't. Say you do all you want to, talk to me in 10 years and a kid or two later. Even just one kid. Give birth, and then tell me that it's not a completely different love. It just so is- which means that it's easier to see the other as expendable when you've had enough of their going on, enough of them criticizing you for not keeping up on the housework the way they think you should, enough of them drinking, enough of them working horrible hours, enough of them avoiding responsibilities, enough of them not owning their issues, WHATEVER. Take your pick. Enough of their getting their love and attention somewhere else? Whatever- a million different things. It's no joke.
So- no matter where we are in the steps, it's good to know it's going to pass. And if we make it through together, the best stuff is after all that. The very best stuff comes in little moments, in small increments that will keep you going.
And of course, this is all through my eyes. There will be women who sail through pregnancy, women who have no identy crisis afterwords, husbands who will insist on getting up 6 times a night to bottle feed the baby while you sleep peacefully, husbands who massage your feet and don't want sex for 10 weeks after the baby comes, women who want sex 4 weeks after giving birth (CJ was the hardest for me, but I did fall into that second category with #2, 3 and 4). There will be men who lose their patience with their wives much sooner than some, and women who find their way faster than others through it all. Women who love going to work, women who love staying home, families that do with less to accomodate a change of ideas. If you can both make it through, I tell you, some things do get better.
Nothing stays the same, that's the awesome (?) thing. We're in for a new stage. All the time. The smartest thing we can do is KNOW THAT. Nothing is going to stay the same. You can take notes, too. You can commit to doing something you see happening differently. You can commit to try to keep something the same. You'll find out that there's a common thread that is unchangeable. Some things are simply unstoppable. And when you find that out, if you listen really closely, you'll hear the rest of us whispering "Welcome to the club."
And we mean it.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
COME HOME!
Okay- I'll post it even though I'm being completely unrational.
I haven't heard from Cullen since 5:00pm last night. He was driving, and I told him not to call me when he was driving because it was horseshit scary driving in the mountains with the spas on the back.
But he did not drive for 19 hours. And he did not pass out and sleep the minute he stopped driving. He has stopped to pee at some point. He called me from JASON'S phone a few days ago when his roaming sucked. I know there's a phone available to say "We didn't go off the road, we haven't been in an accident and everything is okay." No text. No call.
And I now cannot breathe until I see him or hear from him. Yes, I've texted twice.
Boo. I'm sure I'm worrying for nothing. But booo.
ANDDDD- he's home. Life resumes.
I haven't heard from Cullen since 5:00pm last night. He was driving, and I told him not to call me when he was driving because it was horseshit scary driving in the mountains with the spas on the back.
But he did not drive for 19 hours. And he did not pass out and sleep the minute he stopped driving. He has stopped to pee at some point. He called me from JASON'S phone a few days ago when his roaming sucked. I know there's a phone available to say "We didn't go off the road, we haven't been in an accident and everything is okay." No text. No call.
And I now cannot breathe until I see him or hear from him. Yes, I've texted twice.
Boo. I'm sure I'm worrying for nothing. But booo.
ANDDDD- he's home. Life resumes.
Today
At some point today, my darling husband will come in the door after driving for 24+hours from Salt Lake City. I cannot Scooby Doo him the way I'd like to. Or maybe I can. I don't know. I don't know what it feels like to drive that long and under the stressful conditions they are...hopefully by now I can say were in.
All I know is that somehow when he's home, there is more time in the day. Yes. At first I'd imagined getting to sit down and write my book (I am at 11,000 words, by the way)- which I did do. Each night. I didn't run, I wrote. But still. Zoom. The night would just go by, GONE. Last night his brother was over, and I know that helped the night zoom by too. Yes, Cullen is magic. There is just more time when he's here. My Time Stopper!
Turns out my Time Stopper also throws in a load of laundry when the situation starts looking desperate. And he probably wouldn't have needed to call his mommy in a panic when the furnace was "off" and needed the VERY OBVIOUS switch flipped back to the "on" position. However, I'm positive that none of the pizza that we made out with last night would have been left over for the kids for their lunches today either. There, I found ONE bonus to his absence. I'd trade that pizza for him about 3 days ago now though.
Turns out I'm pretty good at staying on top of things without him. Especially once I figured out that HE is the magic laundry fairy. But I do not wish to keep up this pace for an extended amount of time. That meaning- no longer. I want it to end TODAY. I think he'll have tomorrow off of work, which will be fantastic! It helps having an adult around to talk to during the day. Especially when it's one that you like so darned much.
COME HOME, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I know is that somehow when he's home, there is more time in the day. Yes. At first I'd imagined getting to sit down and write my book (I am at 11,000 words, by the way)- which I did do. Each night. I didn't run, I wrote. But still. Zoom. The night would just go by, GONE. Last night his brother was over, and I know that helped the night zoom by too. Yes, Cullen is magic. There is just more time when he's here. My Time Stopper!
Turns out my Time Stopper also throws in a load of laundry when the situation starts looking desperate. And he probably wouldn't have needed to call his mommy in a panic when the furnace was "off" and needed the VERY OBVIOUS switch flipped back to the "on" position. However, I'm positive that none of the pizza that we made out with last night would have been left over for the kids for their lunches today either. There, I found ONE bonus to his absence. I'd trade that pizza for him about 3 days ago now though.
Turns out I'm pretty good at staying on top of things without him. Especially once I figured out that HE is the magic laundry fairy. But I do not wish to keep up this pace for an extended amount of time. That meaning- no longer. I want it to end TODAY. I think he'll have tomorrow off of work, which will be fantastic! It helps having an adult around to talk to during the day. Especially when it's one that you like so darned much.
COME HOME, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I tell you, don't do it!
Guess what happened tonight, while Cullen is gone.
Josh lost another tooth.
Shoot me.
I have never done the toothfairy. Nor have I been her. HA. I will have to tonight. He's sleeping in a effed up position and his tooth is itty bitty and I have to crawl over CJ and I DON'T LIKE THIS. Cullen does this.
It's a stupid thing to do. It's like Santa. We lie, lie, LIE to them, and then we DEFEND THE LIE as they get older until we just can't anymore. OR, maybe we never openly tell them they are being LIED TO, it's just an assumed thing. And the general public is okay with this. I'm participating against my will. THERE IS NO NEED FOR THIS. If you want to give them money every time they lose a tooth, just tell them they get money when they lose teeth. There's no reason to make up some stupid ...I mean are you LISTENING? A FAIRY? Fantastic. Not only does an oversized elf with a belly like a bowlful of jelly find his way magically into our houses, even the ones without chimney's, but now we've got fairies flying around collecting teeth. So unnecessary. Is life so mundane that we need to make up total lies to our children?
I am SO telling them about Santa this summer. I'm putting an end to this bullshit right now. It's rude of us. Big fat liars. And what happens when our kids lie to US? They get in trouble, but we are allowed to tell them all sorts of shit. Because "this is different" ? Stupid. Sets them up for disappointment. Not one person doesn't feel a little bit jipped when they realize that their parents are Santa. Why not tell them the story of Santa/St. Nick/Whoever the hell you get presents from magically, and then suggest that you play the role of Santa for a family that can't afford a turkey for dinner? Or a family who cannot buy their kids any gifts? Or a person who can't afford a tree or any decorations? Why not do that? Why not that instead of insisting year after year that Tubby made it into the house, nibbled a cookie and left presents?
UGH.
DON'T DO IT! If I can stop one person from lying endlessly to their kids in the name of "fun"......
Josh lost another tooth.
Shoot me.
I have never done the toothfairy. Nor have I been her. HA. I will have to tonight. He's sleeping in a effed up position and his tooth is itty bitty and I have to crawl over CJ and I DON'T LIKE THIS. Cullen does this.
It's a stupid thing to do. It's like Santa. We lie, lie, LIE to them, and then we DEFEND THE LIE as they get older until we just can't anymore. OR, maybe we never openly tell them they are being LIED TO, it's just an assumed thing. And the general public is okay with this. I'm participating against my will. THERE IS NO NEED FOR THIS. If you want to give them money every time they lose a tooth, just tell them they get money when they lose teeth. There's no reason to make up some stupid ...I mean are you LISTENING? A FAIRY? Fantastic. Not only does an oversized elf with a belly like a bowlful of jelly find his way magically into our houses, even the ones without chimney's, but now we've got fairies flying around collecting teeth. So unnecessary. Is life so mundane that we need to make up total lies to our children?
I am SO telling them about Santa this summer. I'm putting an end to this bullshit right now. It's rude of us. Big fat liars. And what happens when our kids lie to US? They get in trouble, but we are allowed to tell them all sorts of shit. Because "this is different" ? Stupid. Sets them up for disappointment. Not one person doesn't feel a little bit jipped when they realize that their parents are Santa. Why not tell them the story of Santa/St. Nick/Whoever the hell you get presents from magically, and then suggest that you play the role of Santa for a family that can't afford a turkey for dinner? Or a family who cannot buy their kids any gifts? Or a person who can't afford a tree or any decorations? Why not do that? Why not that instead of insisting year after year that Tubby made it into the house, nibbled a cookie and left presents?
UGH.
DON'T DO IT! If I can stop one person from lying endlessly to their kids in the name of "fun"......
Chivalry
IS it dead? And what IS it, exactly? Don't get me wrong, I know it when I see it, but where does it STEM from? Does it come from a *want* to be chivalrous? Is it a "supposed" to kind of thing, as in the man is supposed to protect his family, the wife is supposed to raise the kids...and that kind of thing?????
*I* must be growing up some. My brother in law that I have sometimes really struggled with in the past has been a positive JOY to be around. I've had a lot of fun talking to him when he's been over. Maybe it's always been this one issue that really gets under my skin...I'll have to examine that. Right before leaving, he made a comment and it ...OH it gets me GOING! I said "newborn first babies are NO JOKE." and he agreed. I then said "I hate to say it, but I see why divorces happen after kids are born." to which he replied, "Women can't handle it."
Oh my GOD.
I don't even know where to start. First of all, I am NOT like some feminists who are very RAH RAH GIRLS. I'm not. I don't care about a woman being president. These things don't bother me. Don't really much care. I would probably care if I were being HELD down by some rule, but I don't feel held down by any rule that I want to break.
I also feel like I give men respect in general. I know I vent here, but there's a reason I didn't make Cullen get up in the middle of the night 50 times with kids when they were little: he had to get up and leave the house and go to work. That all sounded like a marvelous break to me, but I understood he was GOING TO WORK. I was staying at home. Working or not (for me), I wasn't going anywhere. We knew I'd duct tape the kids so I could take a nap at some point. I get it. Men work ....way to go, men. I think MEN (I'm about to generalize in a big way- forgive me?) put the pressure on THEMSELVES that THEY alone need to support their family. If a man is so unhappy in his job and his wife refuses to help him problem solve that issue- well, that's a whole different problem, isn't it. I know that society has set it up this way- the women stayed home, the men worked and they DID support the family. If the wife wishes to stay home, and the husband agrees with that, great. But even THEN- no one needs to be miserable in a job day to day. What the f*ck did I start out saying??? Oh- for some reason my brother in law feels like men don't get the proper respect, and what makes me NUTS about that is that he just absolutely has no idea what so ever what being the mother is like.
I fully realize that he can turn around and say the same thing. Having been one to feel babies fall out of my body too early, puke my guts up from hormones day after day, almost pass out while driving from pregnancy exhaustion, chase other babies when I can't even bend over, have an identy crisis as my body morphs into something alien, and then feel the alien itself move THROUGH ME and EXIT MY BODY.....WOW. How about the hormone cocktail required to produce milk? Or even sustain the pregnancy in the first place? I am so very, very sorry- I'm almost positive right now that my frame of mind surrounding this must be in the wrong, but I dare say that women go through and experience pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood in a little more intense of a way than men do. Although "nothing" will ever be the same for a man when his child is born (or it will if he is not part of the child's life), he goes back to work a few days later. The biggest change in his life might not even be the baby- it's the insane creature that was formerly his wife. She's hormonal, freaking out about this baby, sure she's not making enough milk, short on sleep, can't keep up, can't think and DON'T FREAKING TOUCH ME. You know? First time babies are no joke. Of course, some women go through it much smoother, much calmer than others. Some men probably do have a melt down about having to provide for this family now, everything matters more after a child comes into the picture.
I say that I may be seeing it incorrectly because this very same issue comes to me from him over and over, and the only reason I can think of (other than him being a total jackass in this one regard) is that my thinking on it is missing something. Really, do men need that much of a pat on the back while we're having an identy crisis over who were just were and who we are now and how to take care of this life that we love more than we knew we could, who came with NO MANUAL? Really? I don't know if I buy it.
I already knew this about me, but this just cements it more. I think that there is little sexier than a man who not only is unafraid to talk to women about women issues (in a sincere manner), and onto that list will go a man who somehow recognizes that the woman who gave birth to his child just experienced the most intense year of her life, and it's a ride that never ends. We only adjust to it, grow with it and change with it. I know *I* was in awe of watching my child come out of my body...when a man can be in awe of it too, and understand that it's bigger than ANYTHING ELSE OUT THERE...can recognize the miracle of the whole deal, see the complete beauty in it, and honor it....Damned Sexy. And I'll put $500 down that the men who are that way are the same ones that love to take their kids out. They are the ones who can't wait to come home to play with them. Who take a day off of work to surprise the stay at home mom and take the kid/s out. Probably bring her flowers at the same time. The ones you see out with their children showing them the world. Yup. I just bet.
*I* must be growing up some. My brother in law that I have sometimes really struggled with in the past has been a positive JOY to be around. I've had a lot of fun talking to him when he's been over. Maybe it's always been this one issue that really gets under my skin...I'll have to examine that. Right before leaving, he made a comment and it ...OH it gets me GOING! I said "newborn first babies are NO JOKE." and he agreed. I then said "I hate to say it, but I see why divorces happen after kids are born." to which he replied, "Women can't handle it."
Oh my GOD.
I don't even know where to start. First of all, I am NOT like some feminists who are very RAH RAH GIRLS. I'm not. I don't care about a woman being president. These things don't bother me. Don't really much care. I would probably care if I were being HELD down by some rule, but I don't feel held down by any rule that I want to break.
I also feel like I give men respect in general. I know I vent here, but there's a reason I didn't make Cullen get up in the middle of the night 50 times with kids when they were little: he had to get up and leave the house and go to work. That all sounded like a marvelous break to me, but I understood he was GOING TO WORK. I was staying at home. Working or not (for me), I wasn't going anywhere. We knew I'd duct tape the kids so I could take a nap at some point. I get it. Men work ....way to go, men. I think MEN (I'm about to generalize in a big way- forgive me?) put the pressure on THEMSELVES that THEY alone need to support their family. If a man is so unhappy in his job and his wife refuses to help him problem solve that issue- well, that's a whole different problem, isn't it. I know that society has set it up this way- the women stayed home, the men worked and they DID support the family. If the wife wishes to stay home, and the husband agrees with that, great. But even THEN- no one needs to be miserable in a job day to day. What the f*ck did I start out saying??? Oh- for some reason my brother in law feels like men don't get the proper respect, and what makes me NUTS about that is that he just absolutely has no idea what so ever what being the mother is like.
I fully realize that he can turn around and say the same thing. Having been one to feel babies fall out of my body too early, puke my guts up from hormones day after day, almost pass out while driving from pregnancy exhaustion, chase other babies when I can't even bend over, have an identy crisis as my body morphs into something alien, and then feel the alien itself move THROUGH ME and EXIT MY BODY.....WOW. How about the hormone cocktail required to produce milk? Or even sustain the pregnancy in the first place? I am so very, very sorry- I'm almost positive right now that my frame of mind surrounding this must be in the wrong, but I dare say that women go through and experience pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood in a little more intense of a way than men do. Although "nothing" will ever be the same for a man when his child is born (or it will if he is not part of the child's life), he goes back to work a few days later. The biggest change in his life might not even be the baby- it's the insane creature that was formerly his wife. She's hormonal, freaking out about this baby, sure she's not making enough milk, short on sleep, can't keep up, can't think and DON'T FREAKING TOUCH ME. You know? First time babies are no joke. Of course, some women go through it much smoother, much calmer than others. Some men probably do have a melt down about having to provide for this family now, everything matters more after a child comes into the picture.
I say that I may be seeing it incorrectly because this very same issue comes to me from him over and over, and the only reason I can think of (other than him being a total jackass in this one regard) is that my thinking on it is missing something. Really, do men need that much of a pat on the back while we're having an identy crisis over who were just were and who we are now and how to take care of this life that we love more than we knew we could, who came with NO MANUAL? Really? I don't know if I buy it.
I already knew this about me, but this just cements it more. I think that there is little sexier than a man who not only is unafraid to talk to women about women issues (in a sincere manner), and onto that list will go a man who somehow recognizes that the woman who gave birth to his child just experienced the most intense year of her life, and it's a ride that never ends. We only adjust to it, grow with it and change with it. I know *I* was in awe of watching my child come out of my body...when a man can be in awe of it too, and understand that it's bigger than ANYTHING ELSE OUT THERE...can recognize the miracle of the whole deal, see the complete beauty in it, and honor it....Damned Sexy. And I'll put $500 down that the men who are that way are the same ones that love to take their kids out. They are the ones who can't wait to come home to play with them. Who take a day off of work to surprise the stay at home mom and take the kid/s out. Probably bring her flowers at the same time. The ones you see out with their children showing them the world. Yup. I just bet.
Decisions
From "God" today:
Have you been on damnyouautocorrect.com yet today? Freakin GEMS. I'm crying. My sister sent em because she's crying too. SO DAMNED FUNNY! "Your mother and I are going to divorce next month." "WHAT? WHY? WHAT??? CALL ME!!!" "I meant DISNEY, we are going to DISNEY next month." HAHAHAHAH!!! Awesome.
Cullen is on his way home. Driving. Sometime tomorrow they will arrive. I can't WAIT. CANNOT WAIT. The kids and I have a lot to do tonight, since I am a 1950's mom in some ways. I need to clean our room so he can come home and sleep in a nice clean space.
Okay- I've got two sleeping babies and a few minutes before snacktime hits. Carry on, people.
On this day of your life, Nicki, I believe God wants you to know...
...that not to decide is to decide.
Letting something go until it "decides itself" is Life
by Default. You don't want to live that way. So
choose. Choose right now.
Stop worrying about what you can "lose" or how you
can "win" and just follow your joy. Where does your
joy say you should go?
Right ON! That's how we get ourselves in trouble, and we start feeling like we're reacting instead of creating. Take CHARGE! You're not STUCK! Everything is possible. Don't be afraid. Fear is the only thing that holds most of us back. Fear NOT! Go on. Look for a new job. A new house. A new idea about yourself. Rearrange a room. Go somewhere that scares you. If you don't decide...life will. FATE= From All Thoughts Everywhere. If YOU don't decide, the world consciousness will, and I don't know if you've noticed, but as a whole...it's sketchy and you never know what you're gonna get. MAKE A DECISION AND GO FOR IT.
I made another blog. I know- how can i POSSIBLY have any more to say than I do here? But here's the thing- this one is FULL of me. FULL FULL FULL. It's straight Nicki Word Vomit. It's embarrassing to me to let people read this because they get to know my insides straight away. I'm unfocused (as I'm allowed to be here), I'm a bratty brat (as I'm allowed to be here), sometimes downright righteous (and not in the good way, like Crush shouting RIGHTEOUS! RIGHTEOUS! as they took off in Nemo)....you know? So I made a prettier one, for warrior mommies. Also, someone who is much wiser than me in the way of book publishing and getting OUT THERE mentioned it might not kill me to be a little more OUT THERE (just when we thought I was as far OUT THERE as I could get, right!) Anyway. It's at iamawarriormomma.com
Go play there.
Have you been on damnyouautocorrect.com yet today? Freakin GEMS. I'm crying. My sister sent em because she's crying too. SO DAMNED FUNNY! "Your mother and I are going to divorce next month." "WHAT? WHY? WHAT??? CALL ME!!!" "I meant DISNEY, we are going to DISNEY next month." HAHAHAHAH!!! Awesome.Cullen is on his way home. Driving. Sometime tomorrow they will arrive. I can't WAIT. CANNOT WAIT. The kids and I have a lot to do tonight, since I am a 1950's mom in some ways. I need to clean our room so he can come home and sleep in a nice clean space.
Okay- I've got two sleeping babies and a few minutes before snacktime hits. Carry on, people.
I got meditated! WOOT!
For the first time in a really, really long time, I shut my head up long enough to git r done. It was everything that I remember it being and then some. Awesome! What was magical is how it happened. My biggest obstacle (you'll never believe it) is shutting my head up. As the kids get older, I have even MORE things to remember, and with the daycare...oh, God. My list never SHORTENS. Each day I let myself off the hook of doing a couple of the things and BAM. I'm laying in bed thinking about who i HAVE to call the next day no matter HOW loud the Crazies are, etc. It seems to help that Cullen is gone and wasn't in bed with me- I wonder why? "They" say not to meditate laying down, but I fully intended on meditating myself into unconsciousness, which is what I did, and I slept All. Night. Long.
Because I need to focus on SOMETHING to blow everything else out of my head, I blank my mind (duh)- I make it a white screen. Then I man the perimeters, beating out any thoughts that try to come in. Too much "doing". Next thing you know there's the word LIFE on my blank screen. I just watched that. Nothing else came in while I focused on LIFE. After some amount of time LIFE changed to LOVE. And on it went- Every few moments the word would change and it didn't feel as if I were purposely doing it. My mind was QUIET. OH how I miss that. What word was it that...it was long..I can't recall...one word was long, and became glittery and it rippled, and then I could hear The Voice. Yes, that's what I miss the most, The Voice. Hearing the voice when I'm running around like crazy is nice- I know I'm never alone (see how easy it would be to get on meds? Who would want such a buzz kill though?). But hearing it when my head is QUIET. It's like getting directly plugged into it, and nothing else matters. Suddenly I can remember things that I forget day to day. To suddenly feel at one with everyone and everything is AWESOME---and AWESOME doesn't really begin to touch it. Ohhhh, it was so good. Yes, I'm sure I was MEDITATING and not MASTURBATING. ;)
It's getting lighter out earlier in the mornings. It's actually pretty outside...the blue glowy color and the snow...
Cullen leaves for home sometime today, not til later. I'm scared to death for his drive home, through the mountains, with spas on the back of a pickup. SCARED TO DEATH. Especially after hearing what the drive there was like. Hopefully there will be no storms anywhere, and they'll be okay. I feel sick thinking about it. He can't get here fast enough! I just want him here safely. You can expect to hear more fretting about that today and tomorrow until he shows up in one piece.
And Salt Lake City is a for sure now that he's been there. I get to see mountains! :)
Because I need to focus on SOMETHING to blow everything else out of my head, I blank my mind (duh)- I make it a white screen. Then I man the perimeters, beating out any thoughts that try to come in. Too much "doing". Next thing you know there's the word LIFE on my blank screen. I just watched that. Nothing else came in while I focused on LIFE. After some amount of time LIFE changed to LOVE. And on it went- Every few moments the word would change and it didn't feel as if I were purposely doing it. My mind was QUIET. OH how I miss that. What word was it that...it was long..I can't recall...one word was long, and became glittery and it rippled, and then I could hear The Voice. Yes, that's what I miss the most, The Voice. Hearing the voice when I'm running around like crazy is nice- I know I'm never alone (see how easy it would be to get on meds? Who would want such a buzz kill though?). But hearing it when my head is QUIET. It's like getting directly plugged into it, and nothing else matters. Suddenly I can remember things that I forget day to day. To suddenly feel at one with everyone and everything is AWESOME---and AWESOME doesn't really begin to touch it. Ohhhh, it was so good. Yes, I'm sure I was MEDITATING and not MASTURBATING. ;)
It's getting lighter out earlier in the mornings. It's actually pretty outside...the blue glowy color and the snow...
Cullen leaves for home sometime today, not til later. I'm scared to death for his drive home, through the mountains, with spas on the back of a pickup. SCARED TO DEATH. Especially after hearing what the drive there was like. Hopefully there will be no storms anywhere, and they'll be okay. I feel sick thinking about it. He can't get here fast enough! I just want him here safely. You can expect to hear more fretting about that today and tomorrow until he shows up in one piece.
And Salt Lake City is a for sure now that he's been there. I get to see mountains! :)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Single parenthood
This is reminding me of what it felt like when Cullen worked 2nd shift. I'm so glad he'll be home Wednesday.
It's all good- it is a mindset, of course...running the show alone, that is. When you know you have only you to depend on, then you buck up and take care of business. But holy rat butts am I feeling it today. It's like The Transition all over again--- it takes a solid 4 days of plowing through, and then it doesn't hurt SO bad...and by 2 weeks, the Mind Set is complete. You stop counting on anyone else except you. Sometimes you do something that's extra hard just because you can, and then "normal" will feel easier. At least that's how it has been for me. So I'm on Full Day TWO without Cullen, and I had more daycare kids here today than I ever have before. THANK GOD they are all good kids, but it's SO busy and crazy sometimes. I need to get the other highchair in here so I can tandem feed the little guys. I'm amazed at how loud one child can be, and how long they can keep it up, when they want to eat RIGHT NOW DARNIT! I had 11 kids. I wouldn't even be able to have that many when I'm licensed.
I'm seriously considering not getting licensed now. I won't have that many kids on a day to day basis, but I'm just not planning on doing this long term. I am really planning on my little family taking off.
I had The Talk with dad today. He's so fabulous. He "entertains" me by pretending my "crazy" ideas are *actually* do able...and I think a small part of him fears that I mean it when I say something because...well, my follow through rate on my craziest ideas is 99.5%. I'm down. 5% because I didn't get to be a surrogate even though I tried so hard. He came over to feed all bazillion kids M&M's (told you, he ROCKS!) and we were perusing craigslist and pleasureland and all the other RV sites. He came up with everything from "Hey! We'll get you a nice Suburban and then you can buy this travel trailer...." to "Yes, yes, I know, Class A, but you really should just rent one for a couple of weeks first to make sure you won't go nuts...and what about school?" which is the part of him that knows that there's a good chance I'm actually going to follow through with it. :)
All 4 kids are in bed.
OH! The key! I almost forgot the key to single parenthood. Of course it's different when the kids are Very Young. The kind of young that need constant tending. Mine are at golden ages. They are actually really, really fun to hang out with. We learn things together, we play together, and I can check out of MOM mode and just have fun, and GOD that helps. SO MUCH.
I keep attracting authors into my life. It scares me. What does it MEAN???? These people are such fantastic writers and it scares the underwear right off of me. Wait a minute...! ;) It makes me sometimes feel like everyone knows something I don't. They've already DONE this. And even just reading their blogs- they don't sound like scatter brained messes like I do. They sound focused and organized....
I really think I have something, though, with what I'm writing. It's probably also like scrapbooking- there are as many different styles and ideas as people. A very well written author just asked me about what I'm writing. I feel like I'm going to disappoint him when I tell him.
Kinda makes me want to throw up, little bit. It's much nicer to just not talk about it, not let anyone I know read it, and publish the thing- which IS going to be AWESOME. I'm in love with it, but it's such a personal thing. There's me all over it, and people I adore all over it too, fact mixed with fiction, things I've never said mixed with things I'd never say, mixed with things people would recognize.
Vomit. Okay.
Here goes. Might as well out myself now and squash any thought that I'm nearly as good as anyone else.
How's that for a load of self confidence? I'm going to respond to him and keep writing my book. And then meditate, dammit.
It's all good- it is a mindset, of course...running the show alone, that is. When you know you have only you to depend on, then you buck up and take care of business. But holy rat butts am I feeling it today. It's like The Transition all over again--- it takes a solid 4 days of plowing through, and then it doesn't hurt SO bad...and by 2 weeks, the Mind Set is complete. You stop counting on anyone else except you. Sometimes you do something that's extra hard just because you can, and then "normal" will feel easier. At least that's how it has been for me. So I'm on Full Day TWO without Cullen, and I had more daycare kids here today than I ever have before. THANK GOD they are all good kids, but it's SO busy and crazy sometimes. I need to get the other highchair in here so I can tandem feed the little guys. I'm amazed at how loud one child can be, and how long they can keep it up, when they want to eat RIGHT NOW DARNIT! I had 11 kids. I wouldn't even be able to have that many when I'm licensed.
I'm seriously considering not getting licensed now. I won't have that many kids on a day to day basis, but I'm just not planning on doing this long term. I am really planning on my little family taking off.
I had The Talk with dad today. He's so fabulous. He "entertains" me by pretending my "crazy" ideas are *actually* do able...and I think a small part of him fears that I mean it when I say something because...well, my follow through rate on my craziest ideas is 99.5%. I'm down. 5% because I didn't get to be a surrogate even though I tried so hard. He came over to feed all bazillion kids M&M's (told you, he ROCKS!) and we were perusing craigslist and pleasureland and all the other RV sites. He came up with everything from "Hey! We'll get you a nice Suburban and then you can buy this travel trailer...." to "Yes, yes, I know, Class A, but you really should just rent one for a couple of weeks first to make sure you won't go nuts...and what about school?" which is the part of him that knows that there's a good chance I'm actually going to follow through with it. :)
All 4 kids are in bed.
OH! The key! I almost forgot the key to single parenthood. Of course it's different when the kids are Very Young. The kind of young that need constant tending. Mine are at golden ages. They are actually really, really fun to hang out with. We learn things together, we play together, and I can check out of MOM mode and just have fun, and GOD that helps. SO MUCH.
I keep attracting authors into my life. It scares me. What does it MEAN???? These people are such fantastic writers and it scares the underwear right off of me. Wait a minute...! ;) It makes me sometimes feel like everyone knows something I don't. They've already DONE this. And even just reading their blogs- they don't sound like scatter brained messes like I do. They sound focused and organized....
I really think I have something, though, with what I'm writing. It's probably also like scrapbooking- there are as many different styles and ideas as people. A very well written author just asked me about what I'm writing. I feel like I'm going to disappoint him when I tell him.
Kinda makes me want to throw up, little bit. It's much nicer to just not talk about it, not let anyone I know read it, and publish the thing- which IS going to be AWESOME. I'm in love with it, but it's such a personal thing. There's me all over it, and people I adore all over it too, fact mixed with fiction, things I've never said mixed with things I'd never say, mixed with things people would recognize.
Vomit. Okay.
Here goes. Might as well out myself now and squash any thought that I'm nearly as good as anyone else.
How's that for a load of self confidence? I'm going to respond to him and keep writing my book. And then meditate, dammit.
The kindness of neighbors.
This morning I woke up and freaked out. 15-17 inches of snow, and I had daycare kids coming. Other Chuck said he'd do our driveway. I peeked at his, and his was done. I know he worked last night, and figured he'd be around sometime today to do it for me since Cullen isn't here, but in the meantime, there was no path up the driveway, the steps were covered, and no shovel to be found. I was outside at 6:15am swearing my fool head off trying to do what I could to no avail.
Then CJ was outside at 6:30am, digging around the backyard for the shovel. Good luck with that.
One mommy parked on another block and carried her kiddo over. I warned everyone, best I could. Our street wasn't plowed, and neither was the drive. Everyone was really good sports about it.
THEN! THEN the magical sound, just as I was going to call my daddy to come save us....a snow blower!!! I mistakenly assumed it was Other Chuck since his children were going to have to walk through snow up to their chests to get to me and he was going to do the plowing. No! NO! It was MFN's Chuck! If the snow wasn't so wet and so everywhere, I would have run out to hug him! THEN I saw it! Other Chuck was out there too!!! Both Chucks, saving me! OHHHHH how I love my neighbors! I dislike feeling needy but I am so thankful for them! SO THANKFUL! Especially since MFN Chuck didn't have to do that. Other Chuck planned on it. OH my sweet neighbors. THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU! From all of my daycare parents, THANK YOU!!!!
Then CJ was outside at 6:30am, digging around the backyard for the shovel. Good luck with that.
One mommy parked on another block and carried her kiddo over. I warned everyone, best I could. Our street wasn't plowed, and neither was the drive. Everyone was really good sports about it.
THEN! THEN the magical sound, just as I was going to call my daddy to come save us....a snow blower!!! I mistakenly assumed it was Other Chuck since his children were going to have to walk through snow up to their chests to get to me and he was going to do the plowing. No! NO! It was MFN's Chuck! If the snow wasn't so wet and so everywhere, I would have run out to hug him! THEN I saw it! Other Chuck was out there too!!! Both Chucks, saving me! OHHHHH how I love my neighbors! I dislike feeling needy but I am so thankful for them! SO THANKFUL! Especially since MFN Chuck didn't have to do that. Other Chuck planned on it. OH my sweet neighbors. THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU! From all of my daycare parents, THANK YOU!!!!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
we ARE all connected! TOLD YA SO!
6 degrees of seperation strikes again!
While nosing around on CJ's facebook page, I noticed his friend Spencer that he'd spoken of earlier today. When I asked what Spencer is like, he'd said "A lot like me. Way into sports, knows a lot about football, funny guy." He is in CJ's class. CJ wants a playdate.
Spencers last name is Kleve-Strabley. KLEVE. As in MATT KLEVE, KIDNEY CHAIN MATT.
YES. Spencer is Matt's nephew. Spencer's mom is Matt's sister, who is one of his on call babysitters so he can GO OUT WITH HIS KIDNEY CHAIN.
Small, small world.
While nosing around on CJ's facebook page, I noticed his friend Spencer that he'd spoken of earlier today. When I asked what Spencer is like, he'd said "A lot like me. Way into sports, knows a lot about football, funny guy." He is in CJ's class. CJ wants a playdate.
Spencers last name is Kleve-Strabley. KLEVE. As in MATT KLEVE, KIDNEY CHAIN MATT.
YES. Spencer is Matt's nephew. Spencer's mom is Matt's sister, who is one of his on call babysitters so he can GO OUT WITH HIS KIDNEY CHAIN.
Small, small world.
Salt Lake City, Utah
This is what Cullen is seeing. Says there are no words for it, and a camera could never catch it. Yum.
YAY! Inspiration!
Okay- 2 things I'm totally excited about. The first one is this blog:
http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/about-the-project/
It's FANTASTIC. Well, if you're me it is. :) I'm posting it incase you find it fantastic also. It was JUST what i needed to keep on being inspired. I love it. Thanks, Drew!
And Drew is the other thing. MFN works with him, so she knows him differently. I just read his blog mostly. The Rogue Priest. Google it if you wanna. He's a good writer, and he is totally a rogue priest. Polytheist, which is just what else I needed- it's been eons since I've heard a new idea. I'm being swallowed up by the same ole political bull$hit that keeps me turned off to it, the same ole religious debates that keep me turned off to it, and I have been wanting something NEW to think about. Polytheism is NEW to me. I LOVE seeing the world through someone else's eyes. YIPPEEE for new ideas.
Today Suzanne was all loaded up on pain meds. That makes me happy for her, sad that she needs them, but happy she was feeling good. She's much more smoochy and lovey when she's on them, and we had a great conversation. She feels guilty for some things regarding me, things that she shouldn't. I TOLD her to stop it, but she hasn't yet. She also said some brilliant things about kids, birth order, and how they are treated. I need to make even more sure that CJ gets to be a kid sometimes instead of always being the oldest and having to be responsible. Especially after yesterdays incident. Great timing. She has 2 of the best kids ever---she always kept the lines of communication open with them, and she thinks that was huge. She showed her kids respect even as she taught them they need to respect adults and other people. She said that one thing she would like to do differently is that somewhere in doing that, her oldest (my first baby ever) started to worry more about disappointing her than following her own path. Now, she is only 22 years old and she is on her own path now, and that's not such an old age to break off of the norm. She is going to be a Naval Officer, or so she thinks right now.
Anyway, all in all, today instead of seeing everything that I do WRONG, and OH there is plenty of that, I feel like I can look at what I know I do RIGHT and I do WELL and I'm all fired up to do something to make the people closest to me shake their conventional heads and say "Where did she COME from?"
Julia just asked if she should draw me wearing a dress or a shirt. Apparently, I am not allowed pants. Lookout world!
That's all for now. I miss Cullen to pieces! They drove through the nasty storm last night. At least they don't have the spas, coming back through the MOUNTAINS, during a white out storm. They are still driving. 25 hours in. Gross.
http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/about-the-project/
It's FANTASTIC. Well, if you're me it is. :) I'm posting it incase you find it fantastic also. It was JUST what i needed to keep on being inspired. I love it. Thanks, Drew!
And Drew is the other thing. MFN works with him, so she knows him differently. I just read his blog mostly. The Rogue Priest. Google it if you wanna. He's a good writer, and he is totally a rogue priest. Polytheist, which is just what else I needed- it's been eons since I've heard a new idea. I'm being swallowed up by the same ole political bull$hit that keeps me turned off to it, the same ole religious debates that keep me turned off to it, and I have been wanting something NEW to think about. Polytheism is NEW to me. I LOVE seeing the world through someone else's eyes. YIPPEEE for new ideas.
Today Suzanne was all loaded up on pain meds. That makes me happy for her, sad that she needs them, but happy she was feeling good. She's much more smoochy and lovey when she's on them, and we had a great conversation. She feels guilty for some things regarding me, things that she shouldn't. I TOLD her to stop it, but she hasn't yet. She also said some brilliant things about kids, birth order, and how they are treated. I need to make even more sure that CJ gets to be a kid sometimes instead of always being the oldest and having to be responsible. Especially after yesterdays incident. Great timing. She has 2 of the best kids ever---she always kept the lines of communication open with them, and she thinks that was huge. She showed her kids respect even as she taught them they need to respect adults and other people. She said that one thing she would like to do differently is that somewhere in doing that, her oldest (my first baby ever) started to worry more about disappointing her than following her own path. Now, she is only 22 years old and she is on her own path now, and that's not such an old age to break off of the norm. She is going to be a Naval Officer, or so she thinks right now.
Anyway, all in all, today instead of seeing everything that I do WRONG, and OH there is plenty of that, I feel like I can look at what I know I do RIGHT and I do WELL and I'm all fired up to do something to make the people closest to me shake their conventional heads and say "Where did she COME from?"
Julia just asked if she should draw me wearing a dress or a shirt. Apparently, I am not allowed pants. Lookout world!
That's all for now. I miss Cullen to pieces! They drove through the nasty storm last night. At least they don't have the spas, coming back through the MOUNTAINS, during a white out storm. They are still driving. 25 hours in. Gross.
Proof that we get whatever we want
This is actually true for everyone, lest you think I'm being hoity toity about this. Most people just choose to live in "reaction" instead of "creation" and don't realize that the things they are thinking and then the actions they are taking are making their thoughts turn into things.
So, here's my proof. I'll start with this house and then go from there. I'm sitting in my livingroom. We needed some furniture when we moved into this house because the townhouse was itty bitty (proof that you can make it with MUCH less). I knew what I wanted. I wanted blue. Craigslist. There it was, a whole set. For $25. Which tells you what kind of condition it was in. And I also realize that many, many people turn their noses up at buying other people's furniture. EWWWW it has their STUFF all over it. But when you have 4 kids, you don't buy new shit that you'll be mad about when it gets pooped on, puked on, spilled on. You get? So I put my hard work and love into cleaning them and I love them. They recline. I think most of you have reclined in them. LOVE THEM. Got rid of the couch part of it, too big. I see our barstools, which we took from Rick and Tina when they got rid of theirs. My kitchen floor was $100 on craigslist, and it's gorgeous. The paint was $13. In the other room, the breakfast nook was the most expensive thing we've bought for the house in over a decade. My daddy built my shoe box and gave me the jacket tree as a gift. The couch in there was free from craigslist. Again, my scrubbing powers cleaned it up nicely. The entertainment center came from Suzanne, the pack and plays from my moms, lamps from Tina. Let's visit Julia's room. Her bed came from Sarah (old neighbor), her dresser from Tina. Jordan's room? Beds from Aunt Helen, dresser from Randy. Our room? OUr bedroom set is the only other thing we've ever spent money on and that was before we were married. CJ and Josh's room downstairs? Their bunk bed came from Thomas (old neighbor), desk from Kimmy, dresser from Randy. Ginormus TV down there? From Gavin. Oh, I guess we bought this flat screen up here. TV in the garage is from Kimmy. Outside, my kids each have 3 bikes or more- from everyone. Swingset from the neighbor.
Does that disgust you? Are you thinking to yourself how you could NEVER do that? That's okay if you are. We have always gotten exactly what we needed, and we have more money to spend on other things. I wish for it, and it appears like magic. I'm not entirely sure that I'd ever want to have lots of expensive things anymore. I don't have any emotional attachment to any of our stuff, except that I'm grateful it showed up.
At our 2nd house in Farmington, we needed more furniture for the basement. I made the request out loud. "We need some furniture for downstairs, please." The very next day Kim called to say that someone she worked with just bought new furniture and needed to get rid of her old stuff. For free. Bam. Got it.
It works for my dad too, remember? He carried that picture of that one tire with him for EVER. A tire for...something. It was a weird tired, weird lugnut holes or something. So unusual that he carried the pic around, for months. He went out to the shed of our first house, and lo and behold, there was the very tire he was looking for. Magic!
There's magic EVERYWHERE. All the time!
It never ends. Engage the magic.
This is how I know that my perfect RV, with bunk beds and a queen bed is going to show up for me.
So, here's my proof. I'll start with this house and then go from there. I'm sitting in my livingroom. We needed some furniture when we moved into this house because the townhouse was itty bitty (proof that you can make it with MUCH less). I knew what I wanted. I wanted blue. Craigslist. There it was, a whole set. For $25. Which tells you what kind of condition it was in. And I also realize that many, many people turn their noses up at buying other people's furniture. EWWWW it has their STUFF all over it. But when you have 4 kids, you don't buy new shit that you'll be mad about when it gets pooped on, puked on, spilled on. You get? So I put my hard work and love into cleaning them and I love them. They recline. I think most of you have reclined in them. LOVE THEM. Got rid of the couch part of it, too big. I see our barstools, which we took from Rick and Tina when they got rid of theirs. My kitchen floor was $100 on craigslist, and it's gorgeous. The paint was $13. In the other room, the breakfast nook was the most expensive thing we've bought for the house in over a decade. My daddy built my shoe box and gave me the jacket tree as a gift. The couch in there was free from craigslist. Again, my scrubbing powers cleaned it up nicely. The entertainment center came from Suzanne, the pack and plays from my moms, lamps from Tina. Let's visit Julia's room. Her bed came from Sarah (old neighbor), her dresser from Tina. Jordan's room? Beds from Aunt Helen, dresser from Randy. Our room? OUr bedroom set is the only other thing we've ever spent money on and that was before we were married. CJ and Josh's room downstairs? Their bunk bed came from Thomas (old neighbor), desk from Kimmy, dresser from Randy. Ginormus TV down there? From Gavin. Oh, I guess we bought this flat screen up here. TV in the garage is from Kimmy. Outside, my kids each have 3 bikes or more- from everyone. Swingset from the neighbor.
Does that disgust you? Are you thinking to yourself how you could NEVER do that? That's okay if you are. We have always gotten exactly what we needed, and we have more money to spend on other things. I wish for it, and it appears like magic. I'm not entirely sure that I'd ever want to have lots of expensive things anymore. I don't have any emotional attachment to any of our stuff, except that I'm grateful it showed up.
At our 2nd house in Farmington, we needed more furniture for the basement. I made the request out loud. "We need some furniture for downstairs, please." The very next day Kim called to say that someone she worked with just bought new furniture and needed to get rid of her old stuff. For free. Bam. Got it.
It works for my dad too, remember? He carried that picture of that one tire with him for EVER. A tire for...something. It was a weird tired, weird lugnut holes or something. So unusual that he carried the pic around, for months. He went out to the shed of our first house, and lo and behold, there was the very tire he was looking for. Magic!
There's magic EVERYWHERE. All the time!
It never ends. Engage the magic.
This is how I know that my perfect RV, with bunk beds and a queen bed is going to show up for me.
Hugging the cloudy day
First of all, for the record, today reminds me why next year, when we're gone in the RV, we will NOT be coming back until March. Stupid ass Minnesota. SO not going to be here. Gross.
But I love this morning anyway. It reminds me of soft, quiet days. Light the candles, have a fire in the fireplace all day long...the kids wanted to get up and eat and go outside before "the storm" hits. Yesterday was so nice to have just my own kids here. Which I suppose makes sense. I'm watching other people's kids ALL. WEEK. LONG, and to only have my own and not have to worry about anyone else's...awesome! Well, Payten's here but she's practically mine anyway.
CJ and Josh had a BLAST at the Swarm game. Josh really likes lacrosse. <---note to self. I don't think I could ever put them in basketball and so far none of them have asked. Far too many games and crap to be going to all the time. I hate football- CJ loves it though and I might have to cave for one year. He's still all over it even though one of his cousins isn't going to play again (damn, I was hoping that would sway him!). I have no idea how parents do it, especially when there's more than one kid, and more than one activity going on. Where is the family time???? When is the down time? WHEN DO THEY DO HOMEWORK? No way. I would never keep the kids from playing in a sport they really like (even though I really want to) but I simply cannot see putting them in everything and anything. CLEARLY kids do better when they are in a sport. It keeps them out of trouble, puts them in a "team" setting where they need to do their part to support the team, etc. All that is good. If I only had ONE kid, or TWO, it'd be different. There are FOUR here and I'm tried just imagining all of them being in something at the same time.
Anyway- Josh likes Lacrosse. HAHAHAHA!!!!
I had the best snuggly dream last night. It was just snuggly- you know that snuggly feeling, when you curl up with someone, and it's not about the sex. It's about wanting as much of your body to be touching as much of their body as possible. It's magic. I got that, all night long. It helped, since going to bed without my Cullen made me cry. They were just out of Grand Island Nebraska (Trade Secret Salon 7735, the biggest franchised Trade we have...oh, Pure Beauty now...is there. Shoot me for knowing that.)(One of my favorite managers EVER, Jo, worked there for ever. Her grandson lives with her. He's 15 now. He was 6 when I first "met" her. She told me about how she was getting concerned with his bladder because he couldn't stay out of the bathroom, and he took his backpack with him wherever he went. She finally went through his backpack. Playboy. hahahhaha THAT is what we're in for, ladies with sons friends. HAHAHAH!!!) on their way to Cheyenne, Wyoming.
The coffee is just getting finished. Today I will go clean Suzanne's house, and resist buying an overpriced coffee. I will resist because I just made some. Who needs the expensive stuff anyway, dammit! I will clean, and then the kids and I will go get more crickets. And THEN...oh, f*ck me, I have to go stop by and see my mother in law. This stresses me out. More than likely she will be sleeping. Either I can call and talk to Tool, or I can just show up and get "stuck" there with him. Both make me sick and I might avoid the situation all together. I love her and I miss her and if there were any sort of guarantee that I'd get HER...I'd go. Hm.
Okay. What else will I tackle today? Throw more shit away. Yes.
HAHA Julia just came in, crying. She was curled up on my lap telling me what was wrong. "My hands are cold and CJ and Payten and them are playing school and now *SOB* I miss the fun parts of school and I can't go back til Tuesday!!!" hahahahahahahah! If I could capture that and keep it for later....
Tonight after the kids are in bed I will write some more of the book. Go, ME! And if you haven't YET checked out damnyouautocorrect.com, GO DO IT. Funniest site EVER. Michelle had me crying from laughing, and sadly (?) after she left I kept it up for another hour by myself.
CJ is doing mathtime with the kids. They all love learning time. YAY!
PS- first knock on my door of the day from Chuckie: 9:22am. My rule is not before 9am, which he has obeyed. But COME ON. Oh well. I let him in. CJ is now doing school for him too. Payten is doing her 2nd grade math stuff. That poor girl is going to be bored out of her mind in school
Enjoy!
But I love this morning anyway. It reminds me of soft, quiet days. Light the candles, have a fire in the fireplace all day long...the kids wanted to get up and eat and go outside before "the storm" hits. Yesterday was so nice to have just my own kids here. Which I suppose makes sense. I'm watching other people's kids ALL. WEEK. LONG, and to only have my own and not have to worry about anyone else's...awesome! Well, Payten's here but she's practically mine anyway.
CJ and Josh had a BLAST at the Swarm game. Josh really likes lacrosse. <---note to self. I don't think I could ever put them in basketball and so far none of them have asked. Far too many games and crap to be going to all the time. I hate football- CJ loves it though and I might have to cave for one year. He's still all over it even though one of his cousins isn't going to play again (damn, I was hoping that would sway him!). I have no idea how parents do it, especially when there's more than one kid, and more than one activity going on. Where is the family time???? When is the down time? WHEN DO THEY DO HOMEWORK? No way. I would never keep the kids from playing in a sport they really like (even though I really want to) but I simply cannot see putting them in everything and anything. CLEARLY kids do better when they are in a sport. It keeps them out of trouble, puts them in a "team" setting where they need to do their part to support the team, etc. All that is good. If I only had ONE kid, or TWO, it'd be different. There are FOUR here and I'm tried just imagining all of them being in something at the same time.
Anyway- Josh likes Lacrosse. HAHAHAHA!!!!
I had the best snuggly dream last night. It was just snuggly- you know that snuggly feeling, when you curl up with someone, and it's not about the sex. It's about wanting as much of your body to be touching as much of their body as possible. It's magic. I got that, all night long. It helped, since going to bed without my Cullen made me cry. They were just out of Grand Island Nebraska (Trade Secret Salon 7735, the biggest franchised Trade we have...oh, Pure Beauty now...is there. Shoot me for knowing that.)(One of my favorite managers EVER, Jo, worked there for ever. Her grandson lives with her. He's 15 now. He was 6 when I first "met" her. She told me about how she was getting concerned with his bladder because he couldn't stay out of the bathroom, and he took his backpack with him wherever he went. She finally went through his backpack. Playboy. hahahhaha THAT is what we're in for, ladies with sons friends. HAHAHAH!!!) on their way to Cheyenne, Wyoming.
The coffee is just getting finished. Today I will go clean Suzanne's house, and resist buying an overpriced coffee. I will resist because I just made some. Who needs the expensive stuff anyway, dammit! I will clean, and then the kids and I will go get more crickets. And THEN...oh, f*ck me, I have to go stop by and see my mother in law. This stresses me out. More than likely she will be sleeping. Either I can call and talk to Tool, or I can just show up and get "stuck" there with him. Both make me sick and I might avoid the situation all together. I love her and I miss her and if there were any sort of guarantee that I'd get HER...I'd go. Hm.
Okay. What else will I tackle today? Throw more shit away. Yes.
HAHA Julia just came in, crying. She was curled up on my lap telling me what was wrong. "My hands are cold and CJ and Payten and them are playing school and now *SOB* I miss the fun parts of school and I can't go back til Tuesday!!!" hahahahahahahah! If I could capture that and keep it for later....
Tonight after the kids are in bed I will write some more of the book. Go, ME! And if you haven't YET checked out damnyouautocorrect.com, GO DO IT. Funniest site EVER. Michelle had me crying from laughing, and sadly (?) after she left I kept it up for another hour by myself.
CJ is doing mathtime with the kids. They all love learning time. YAY!
PS- first knock on my door of the day from Chuckie: 9:22am. My rule is not before 9am, which he has obeyed. But COME ON. Oh well. I let him in. CJ is now doing school for him too. Payten is doing her 2nd grade math stuff. That poor girl is going to be bored out of her mind in school
Enjoy!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Either the smartest or dumbest thing I've done today.
Ready?
It's hard to admit, which makes me think it might have been the dumbest thing I'll do today.
I bought a cookbook. "That's not so bad," you're thinking to yourself. "Get out of the house more, Nic."
But let me finish. It's the WEIGHT WATCHERS NEW COMPLETE COOKBOOK.
Uh huh. NOW what do you think?
Here's why it's stupid: I AM NOT ON WEIGHT WATCHERS. Cullen made the most brilliant observation the other day. The things that are advertised that actually WORK don't talk about how much weight you can lose. They only talk about being healthy. Am I going to do Weight Watchers? Um- NO. I don't own a scale, I will not own a scale and I am cooking for at the very least 6 people, the most is 12 people. I am NOT going to cook my stuff seperate. That's ridiculous. In fact, I just talked myself into giving it to Emily, who is doing Weight Watchers.
Here's why it was smart: It has 500 healthy recipes in it. Usually I just use allrecipes.com, or one of my other cookbooks when I need to get inspired, but it's nice to have a BIG cookbook full of ideas. So I might keep it and use it for a little while before giving it to Emily.
Either way, I know these things: I haven't boughten any salt in over a month. I haven't replenished our butter stores either. We don't have any. None. Not buying it. Next up will be creamer for the coffee. It's good that I did this. No matter what anyone says.
I also know that my straight up fruit smoothies are awesome, and awesome for us. I like that I rock at it.
I ALSO know that I fully believe that it was NOT a case of "the best man winning" when we killed and threatened the Indians and made them move. I don't believe that. I think it was sick and horrible that we did that. We suck. And I feel sad that I know people who believe differently.
Okay. It's time to go visit Centipede City. I can do this. I love throwing stuff away. CLEAN IT OUT! And I have a big ole tarantula, who is hungry, by the way, and a stupid centipede is just a stupid centipede. Hold me.
It's hard to admit, which makes me think it might have been the dumbest thing I'll do today.
I bought a cookbook. "That's not so bad," you're thinking to yourself. "Get out of the house more, Nic."
But let me finish. It's the WEIGHT WATCHERS NEW COMPLETE COOKBOOK.
Uh huh. NOW what do you think?
Here's why it's stupid: I AM NOT ON WEIGHT WATCHERS. Cullen made the most brilliant observation the other day. The things that are advertised that actually WORK don't talk about how much weight you can lose. They only talk about being healthy. Am I going to do Weight Watchers? Um- NO. I don't own a scale, I will not own a scale and I am cooking for at the very least 6 people, the most is 12 people. I am NOT going to cook my stuff seperate. That's ridiculous. In fact, I just talked myself into giving it to Emily, who is doing Weight Watchers.
Here's why it was smart: It has 500 healthy recipes in it. Usually I just use allrecipes.com, or one of my other cookbooks when I need to get inspired, but it's nice to have a BIG cookbook full of ideas. So I might keep it and use it for a little while before giving it to Emily.
Either way, I know these things: I haven't boughten any salt in over a month. I haven't replenished our butter stores either. We don't have any. None. Not buying it. Next up will be creamer for the coffee. It's good that I did this. No matter what anyone says.
I also know that my straight up fruit smoothies are awesome, and awesome for us. I like that I rock at it.
I ALSO know that I fully believe that it was NOT a case of "the best man winning" when we killed and threatened the Indians and made them move. I don't believe that. I think it was sick and horrible that we did that. We suck. And I feel sad that I know people who believe differently.
Okay. It's time to go visit Centipede City. I can do this. I love throwing stuff away. CLEAN IT OUT! And I have a big ole tarantula, who is hungry, by the way, and a stupid centipede is just a stupid centipede. Hold me.
Bounce!
Okay, it's time to BOUNCE.
Here are the good things of the day so far: The eagle that was flying north on Portland, directly ahead and above me, for at least 5 blocks, close enough to see detail in the wings and tail and I did not crash. :)
The extra shot of espresso in the mocha this morning has helped me scrub the tub and do 4 loads of laundry, make lunch, clean Julia's room and keep from completely bursting into tears when Cullen left.
The not so good: My babies. My babies. Oh, my babies. CJ is the oldest and sometimes he wants to play games that younger kids can't handle. Today they got "bored" sledding, and he suggested playing Spy. Well, the only girls out there are Julia and Samantha. Spy turned into boys against girls. Cullen caught Jordan smacking Julia with a stick. CJ stopped that and broke the stick, but Jordan picked up another stick and went for Samantha. Chuckie picked up a stroller, put it over his head and looked like he was going to "get" Julia with it. Julia tackled him. Josh tackled Jackson- not a girl- because he heard "GET THEM!" from CJ. CJ had the STUPID nerf gun. That's in the garbage-- Cullen maintains that they all grew up with nerf guns but I don't give a shit. Even Emily grew up with guns and thinks they're okay, but I don't care. Anal Nicki. I'm sick and tired of the influences around Jordan. I know it sucks a little for CJ that all the kids he can play with are 5 and younger. How boring for a 9 year old, but he needs to be MORE responsible than that. They are now all hanging out with me. Well, not quite. They are cleaning their rooms. Payten is supposed to spend the night but I'm so irritated that I think I might just want them all to go to bed at the normal time and say forget the sleepover.
Bob, the man we adopted, the older man....he's in the hospital, in the ICU up north, his kids haven't come to visit him. My family up there goes to visit- his own kids are too busy at work- 3 masses in his lung, he can't breathe and it doesn't look good. I'm so thankful we adopted him when we did and that we sent him pictures and letters and Christmas stuff and we will send more asap (stupid weekend plus Monday), but I want to go visit him.
My Grandma, who is getting older (is she 92 now???) is slowly sliding away. That's okay with me, but my aunt(s) take the brunt of it. They are up there with her and have the whole responsibility of her on their hands, and I feel sad and heavy for them.
So- what will I do about all this you ask? I'll tell you. Action always helps. I'll go on craigslist and the startrib first to see if there are any new RV's for sale on there. After that, I will put some real clothes on, and the kids and I will go to Kohls to spend my Kohl's cash. Then go get crickets because Willow and Leo are hungry. Then we'll come home and I'll do more laundry and I'm going into Centipede City to throw out his parent's Christmas Tree and the other shit cluttering up my space. That's how I'm going to cure my sad for Cullen being gone= I'm throwing shit away! Out it goes! Then the kids and I will make Bob some gorgeous pictures and write letters full of love, thanking him for everything he has done- he was in the service forever, and I know he doesn't get tired of hearing thank you. He cries. THEN I'll take care of the daycare shit I keep putting off because I still don't know if I want to go through the rest of the pain in the ass stuff to get licensed or not. THEN I'll work on finishing my taxes (tonight, after the kids go into bed, unless Jamie or Amy comes to babysit), and keep writing the book that is going to get published and bring in some money.
Got it? If I get REALLY bored tomorrow (hahahhah!) I'll touch up the O*#&$(#*&$N paint in the kitchen.
Okay. Operation Bounce is about to commence. Ready? GO!
Here are the good things of the day so far: The eagle that was flying north on Portland, directly ahead and above me, for at least 5 blocks, close enough to see detail in the wings and tail and I did not crash. :)
The extra shot of espresso in the mocha this morning has helped me scrub the tub and do 4 loads of laundry, make lunch, clean Julia's room and keep from completely bursting into tears when Cullen left.
The not so good: My babies. My babies. Oh, my babies. CJ is the oldest and sometimes he wants to play games that younger kids can't handle. Today they got "bored" sledding, and he suggested playing Spy. Well, the only girls out there are Julia and Samantha. Spy turned into boys against girls. Cullen caught Jordan smacking Julia with a stick. CJ stopped that and broke the stick, but Jordan picked up another stick and went for Samantha. Chuckie picked up a stroller, put it over his head and looked like he was going to "get" Julia with it. Julia tackled him. Josh tackled Jackson- not a girl- because he heard "GET THEM!" from CJ. CJ had the STUPID nerf gun. That's in the garbage-- Cullen maintains that they all grew up with nerf guns but I don't give a shit. Even Emily grew up with guns and thinks they're okay, but I don't care. Anal Nicki. I'm sick and tired of the influences around Jordan. I know it sucks a little for CJ that all the kids he can play with are 5 and younger. How boring for a 9 year old, but he needs to be MORE responsible than that. They are now all hanging out with me. Well, not quite. They are cleaning their rooms. Payten is supposed to spend the night but I'm so irritated that I think I might just want them all to go to bed at the normal time and say forget the sleepover.
Bob, the man we adopted, the older man....he's in the hospital, in the ICU up north, his kids haven't come to visit him. My family up there goes to visit- his own kids are too busy at work- 3 masses in his lung, he can't breathe and it doesn't look good. I'm so thankful we adopted him when we did and that we sent him pictures and letters and Christmas stuff and we will send more asap (stupid weekend plus Monday), but I want to go visit him.
My Grandma, who is getting older (is she 92 now???) is slowly sliding away. That's okay with me, but my aunt(s) take the brunt of it. They are up there with her and have the whole responsibility of her on their hands, and I feel sad and heavy for them.
So- what will I do about all this you ask? I'll tell you. Action always helps. I'll go on craigslist and the startrib first to see if there are any new RV's for sale on there. After that, I will put some real clothes on, and the kids and I will go to Kohls to spend my Kohl's cash. Then go get crickets because Willow and Leo are hungry. Then we'll come home and I'll do more laundry and I'm going into Centipede City to throw out his parent's Christmas Tree and the other shit cluttering up my space. That's how I'm going to cure my sad for Cullen being gone= I'm throwing shit away! Out it goes! Then the kids and I will make Bob some gorgeous pictures and write letters full of love, thanking him for everything he has done- he was in the service forever, and I know he doesn't get tired of hearing thank you. He cries. THEN I'll take care of the daycare shit I keep putting off because I still don't know if I want to go through the rest of the pain in the ass stuff to get licensed or not. THEN I'll work on finishing my taxes (tonight, after the kids go into bed, unless Jamie or Amy comes to babysit), and keep writing the book that is going to get published and bring in some money.
Got it? If I get REALLY bored tomorrow (hahahhah!) I'll touch up the O*#&$(#*&$N paint in the kitchen.
Okay. Operation Bounce is about to commence. Ready? GO!
Friday, February 18, 2011
My over the top optimism is liked.
HAHAHAH! I know it's irritating sometimes.
But it works.
Guess what I've been invited to do? Participate in a webinar for dialysis patients. They want them to better know all of their options. Someone will talk about paired donation, living donation, etc, and I'll get to participate! Know why? Because I'm an overly optimistic, too energetic, excitable FOOL. :)
I happen to know another living donor, who donated anonymously. I've talked about her. She's even cooler than me- she lost FOUR organs in TEN months (vs my wimpy 3 in 11). She's a volunteer firefighter on a squad of 122, and she's the only female. She's SO COOL. I mention her because they could have just as easily called her up to do this. I know that I'm different because I started the first chain in the midwest, but whatever. I'll fall back on the fact that I glow and bounce talking about it. Yes! In insist! I don't have to tone it down! WHOOO HOOO!
The gift that keeps giving.
Hey, know what else I'd never thought about? You know how our super cool bodies take care of the loss of a kidney by having the other one swell and pick up some of the slack? The studies show different numbers regarding how much slack it picks up. Anywhere from 65%-85% of the normal function of 2 kidneys....anyway- MAGIC...guess what happens for the recipient? THE SAME THING. That one kidney swells and takes over quite a bit. AWESOME. Freaking AWESOME.
I assumed that it might be like after child birth- here you just had the biggest moment of your entire life, but when you leave, that hospital is done with you, the nurses will forget you, and there are 30 other women having the biggest moments of their life instead. I assumed it would be like that- I'd donate, yay for the U for having the first paired exchange, maybe someday get to meet the chain, and Nicholle WHO? But no. And I have to say...that's nice. Certainly this won't always be this way. They will do more paired exchanges, learning something new each time. I have my chain friends, and we'll all keep getting together, but I thought I'd be Nicholle Who already.
Time to find a babysitter so I can go out to dinner tonight. :) YUM.
Love,
Food Whore
But it works.
Guess what I've been invited to do? Participate in a webinar for dialysis patients. They want them to better know all of their options. Someone will talk about paired donation, living donation, etc, and I'll get to participate! Know why? Because I'm an overly optimistic, too energetic, excitable FOOL. :)
I happen to know another living donor, who donated anonymously. I've talked about her. She's even cooler than me- she lost FOUR organs in TEN months (vs my wimpy 3 in 11). She's a volunteer firefighter on a squad of 122, and she's the only female. She's SO COOL. I mention her because they could have just as easily called her up to do this. I know that I'm different because I started the first chain in the midwest, but whatever. I'll fall back on the fact that I glow and bounce talking about it. Yes! In insist! I don't have to tone it down! WHOOO HOOO!
The gift that keeps giving.
Hey, know what else I'd never thought about? You know how our super cool bodies take care of the loss of a kidney by having the other one swell and pick up some of the slack? The studies show different numbers regarding how much slack it picks up. Anywhere from 65%-85% of the normal function of 2 kidneys....anyway- MAGIC...guess what happens for the recipient? THE SAME THING. That one kidney swells and takes over quite a bit. AWESOME. Freaking AWESOME.
I assumed that it might be like after child birth- here you just had the biggest moment of your entire life, but when you leave, that hospital is done with you, the nurses will forget you, and there are 30 other women having the biggest moments of their life instead. I assumed it would be like that- I'd donate, yay for the U for having the first paired exchange, maybe someday get to meet the chain, and Nicholle WHO? But no. And I have to say...that's nice. Certainly this won't always be this way. They will do more paired exchanges, learning something new each time. I have my chain friends, and we'll all keep getting together, but I thought I'd be Nicholle Who already.
Time to find a babysitter so I can go out to dinner tonight. :) YUM.
Love,
Food Whore
Reason 173 to home school
We went to the carnival last night, the school carnival.
I was watching the 6th grade girls. They hoovered near the doorway together, looking pouty and very, very serious. When a girlfriend would come in, they would hug, but not in a "i mean it" way, you know the adolescent awkward girlfriend hug? Yeah. Then they would huddle together again, looking very pouty and very, very serious, discussing the idiot girls and boys around them. And laughing at all the right times...i.e. THAT boy was within hearing shot. Oh, My, God- the games we play even back then! I remember that! Not the hugging and whatever, i was way more of a loaner when I was young, but I remember the feelings that came with it. I hated being in such a gross situation- all these kids around me and I could either copy and fit in (or hope to) or not and hang mostly by myself. Gross.
Then we were eating. A group of boys and girls came piling into the table ahead of us, acting like a bunch of crazies. Again, watching the boys, I was thinking "This is ridiculous! I HAVE to homeschool before CJ gets to be..." and BAM- I recognized one of the kids. And then another, and omg, they are his class. It's his class!!!!! BARF! They are already ridiculous. The 5th graders were "chasing" the 4th graders and calling them names and made someone cry and OH MY GOD, THE DRAMA!!! CJ came in, tried to get one of his friends to sit with him, but he too was being "hunted" and had to run. CJ sat with mom and I and ate before taking off again. At least he'll still be seen with me (today). Barf. Homeschooling, here I come.
I know the carnival is fun, and I know I'm WAY more anal than probably everyone- my nephew has his own phone and ipod at 10 years old- but I just don't think it's fair to make kids cope under those circumstances. I know that some kids probably LOVE that and thrive- mine are doing okay. Josh is not overly social anyway- he'd rather play alone and make something than have to deal with other people's input or naughty behavior, and CJ says he'd miss his friends but not enough to make him not want to do home learning. So it's official. I'm going to buy the curriculum and we're really going to give it a go this summer and IF we survive it (which we'll have to when we're RV'ing anyway---but that's without other daycare children around), then off we'll go, at least with CJ.
Do you know what else I'm not good at (oh, there's a list like you wouldn't believe)? Keeping my feelings to myself when a child that I am not related to wipes the most yellow, slimy, goobery booger on my leg to get it off of his hand. I'm sure it wasn't good for him to hear me exclaim "GROSSS!" in horror as a ran for a tissue and then sanitized us both, but seriously GROSSSSSSS!!!! It's weird how I can handle anything better when it comes out of someone I've given birth to, or someone in my family has.
BOOGER.
I was watching the 6th grade girls. They hoovered near the doorway together, looking pouty and very, very serious. When a girlfriend would come in, they would hug, but not in a "i mean it" way, you know the adolescent awkward girlfriend hug? Yeah. Then they would huddle together again, looking very pouty and very, very serious, discussing the idiot girls and boys around them. And laughing at all the right times...i.e. THAT boy was within hearing shot. Oh, My, God- the games we play even back then! I remember that! Not the hugging and whatever, i was way more of a loaner when I was young, but I remember the feelings that came with it. I hated being in such a gross situation- all these kids around me and I could either copy and fit in (or hope to) or not and hang mostly by myself. Gross.
Then we were eating. A group of boys and girls came piling into the table ahead of us, acting like a bunch of crazies. Again, watching the boys, I was thinking "This is ridiculous! I HAVE to homeschool before CJ gets to be..." and BAM- I recognized one of the kids. And then another, and omg, they are his class. It's his class!!!!! BARF! They are already ridiculous. The 5th graders were "chasing" the 4th graders and calling them names and made someone cry and OH MY GOD, THE DRAMA!!! CJ came in, tried to get one of his friends to sit with him, but he too was being "hunted" and had to run. CJ sat with mom and I and ate before taking off again. At least he'll still be seen with me (today). Barf. Homeschooling, here I come.
I know the carnival is fun, and I know I'm WAY more anal than probably everyone- my nephew has his own phone and ipod at 10 years old- but I just don't think it's fair to make kids cope under those circumstances. I know that some kids probably LOVE that and thrive- mine are doing okay. Josh is not overly social anyway- he'd rather play alone and make something than have to deal with other people's input or naughty behavior, and CJ says he'd miss his friends but not enough to make him not want to do home learning. So it's official. I'm going to buy the curriculum and we're really going to give it a go this summer and IF we survive it (which we'll have to when we're RV'ing anyway---but that's without other daycare children around), then off we'll go, at least with CJ.
Do you know what else I'm not good at (oh, there's a list like you wouldn't believe)? Keeping my feelings to myself when a child that I am not related to wipes the most yellow, slimy, goobery booger on my leg to get it off of his hand. I'm sure it wasn't good for him to hear me exclaim "GROSSS!" in horror as a ran for a tissue and then sanitized us both, but seriously GROSSSSSSS!!!! It's weird how I can handle anything better when it comes out of someone I've given birth to, or someone in my family has.
BOOGER.
Resentment
Oh, resentment...isn't it just evil?
I bet everyone has someone or something that they resent about someone. Sometimes it sneaks in, quietly as you just deal with whatever is at the root cause. Sometimes it goes away just as easily as circumstances change and you no longer have to be faced with whatever it was. Like nursing moms...I'm sure there are some out there who didn't mind waking up all the damned time at night no matter what the next morning brought- like going to work, or working from home with all the kids there too- while their husband slept through it all. I was so sick of that by the 3rd kid. I was so happy when he bootcamped Julia for me while I went to mom's and slept through the night for the first time in forever and ever.
Or how sometimes the people around us are a particular way, and we all know there is no changing someone. Only they can. Sometimes it's worth it to talk to them and mention what is hurting you, but sometimes they won't hear you, they will only get defensive and it's just not worth it, so you deal. Resentment grows. Love slips away. Soon you "love" them because you are tied to them in whatever way but you don't REALLY love them, and most certainly don't LIKE them.
Communication is SO important. There is a way to communicate hurt without making the other person feel that way, defensive. Sometimes they will no matter what you say, of course, but you are doing yourself a favor to speak up. You are honoring yourself.
But I suppose, again, sometimes it's just not worth it. I'm thinking about my brother in law. Some in the family like to blame Bosnia on him "snapping". But I'm pretty sure that whatever made him snap started LONG before Bosnia. His self esteem was in the garbage a long time ago. I didn't know him as a child. I know he has always been the "black sheep", the youngest of all the boys, and picked on. Did that affect him? Why has he always needed to feel like he has to buy everyone's friendship and love? Anyway, he did snap. Ah, but communication. There's SNAPPING and then there is saying "This really sucked, and it has hurt me for a long time"...but is "I'm sorry" enough by then????? Or is saying "The way you drink and aren't a part of our lives pisses me off because I feel like you're missing out, and you're making us miss out on you, too" worth anything if nothing will change?
I don't know. I don't know at all.
Forgiveness is the key, of course. Magical forgiveness. It's the gift that we give to ourselves, if only we can find a way to really, truly get there. Otherwise you're just jaded. We just become jaded in regards to that person. Perhaps we have to, to protect ourselves from more hurt. How do you forgive someone who will just keep hurting you?????
I don't know.
Cullen's aunt is still emailing me questions. She's so polite and sweet (mostly...her last one almost sounded righteous "Where do you get your information? Mine comes straight out of the BIBLE.") but I have stopped responding because I don't need her validation. I don't need anyone's validation on how I feel or what my beliefs are. Doesn't matter.
Today Adalane's brother is here. Nick. My namesake. :) He is precious and I love him. CJ can't play the Wii for the rest of this season, and no computer gaming either until he gets an 80% or better on a core knowledge test. He's going outside to play by himself. :) The others will be out shortly. It's too bad it isn't warmer outside. He and Nick both have books to read today, that will be nice for them both. I'll be utilizing that one at quiet time. Think I can get 9 kids to be quiet????
I remember watching him be born. I had miscarried for the 2nd time, in Mexico. Nick's mom and I were close, and she had stopped liking my brother in law. He was like a pregnancy aversion to him and I was some kind of horrible go between. She wouldn't let him in the room, but her sister and I were there. It was the first time I got to see magic in action. I was completely in awe of the work that she was doing, how hard she was working and how her body was just taking over. She was in control and I knew that's how I would be someday too. Her body! Oh my God, watching Nick's head come out....his face! I'd seen his face on ultrasound and there it was....OH, it was magic. I was on clouds for I don't know how long, seeing that. I was so surprised that I didn't feel sad about it. That was her magic and I would never steal it from her.
Back to resentment. The magic must lie in the fact that we have to remember that nothing that we see is actually real. This isn't "home". This is all an illusion, one that feels very real because we can't remember anything else. And also, EVERYONE is "in" on whatever is going on. We just don't remember or see the benefit at all. At the end of the "day" (life) everything is "normal" again and we can remember and see again. This is what saves me. Everything is perfect, right now. Perfect. Everything is okay. Now THIS, this "crazy" talk is what will help me actually LOVE him again, in a real love kind of way and not just a "have to" kind of way. The gift of each of us is so priceless, we have no idea. Even him-the Hurtful One, who needs a new name. He doesn't mean to, he doesn't know....he doesn't understand. Hm.
Anyways-
it's 9:30 and the kids are all playing outside. Isn't that wild? It's like it's summer or something.
Cullen leaves tomorrow and I hate it. I hate the going to bed alone, sitting alone. UGH. I miss him already. Must. Use. My.Time.Wisely.
I bet everyone has someone or something that they resent about someone. Sometimes it sneaks in, quietly as you just deal with whatever is at the root cause. Sometimes it goes away just as easily as circumstances change and you no longer have to be faced with whatever it was. Like nursing moms...I'm sure there are some out there who didn't mind waking up all the damned time at night no matter what the next morning brought- like going to work, or working from home with all the kids there too- while their husband slept through it all. I was so sick of that by the 3rd kid. I was so happy when he bootcamped Julia for me while I went to mom's and slept through the night for the first time in forever and ever.
Or how sometimes the people around us are a particular way, and we all know there is no changing someone. Only they can. Sometimes it's worth it to talk to them and mention what is hurting you, but sometimes they won't hear you, they will only get defensive and it's just not worth it, so you deal. Resentment grows. Love slips away. Soon you "love" them because you are tied to them in whatever way but you don't REALLY love them, and most certainly don't LIKE them.
Communication is SO important. There is a way to communicate hurt without making the other person feel that way, defensive. Sometimes they will no matter what you say, of course, but you are doing yourself a favor to speak up. You are honoring yourself.
But I suppose, again, sometimes it's just not worth it. I'm thinking about my brother in law. Some in the family like to blame Bosnia on him "snapping". But I'm pretty sure that whatever made him snap started LONG before Bosnia. His self esteem was in the garbage a long time ago. I didn't know him as a child. I know he has always been the "black sheep", the youngest of all the boys, and picked on. Did that affect him? Why has he always needed to feel like he has to buy everyone's friendship and love? Anyway, he did snap. Ah, but communication. There's SNAPPING and then there is saying "This really sucked, and it has hurt me for a long time"...but is "I'm sorry" enough by then????? Or is saying "The way you drink and aren't a part of our lives pisses me off because I feel like you're missing out, and you're making us miss out on you, too" worth anything if nothing will change?
I don't know. I don't know at all.
Forgiveness is the key, of course. Magical forgiveness. It's the gift that we give to ourselves, if only we can find a way to really, truly get there. Otherwise you're just jaded. We just become jaded in regards to that person. Perhaps we have to, to protect ourselves from more hurt. How do you forgive someone who will just keep hurting you?????
I don't know.
Cullen's aunt is still emailing me questions. She's so polite and sweet (mostly...her last one almost sounded righteous "Where do you get your information? Mine comes straight out of the BIBLE.") but I have stopped responding because I don't need her validation. I don't need anyone's validation on how I feel or what my beliefs are. Doesn't matter.
Today Adalane's brother is here. Nick. My namesake. :) He is precious and I love him. CJ can't play the Wii for the rest of this season, and no computer gaming either until he gets an 80% or better on a core knowledge test. He's going outside to play by himself. :) The others will be out shortly. It's too bad it isn't warmer outside. He and Nick both have books to read today, that will be nice for them both. I'll be utilizing that one at quiet time. Think I can get 9 kids to be quiet????
I remember watching him be born. I had miscarried for the 2nd time, in Mexico. Nick's mom and I were close, and she had stopped liking my brother in law. He was like a pregnancy aversion to him and I was some kind of horrible go between. She wouldn't let him in the room, but her sister and I were there. It was the first time I got to see magic in action. I was completely in awe of the work that she was doing, how hard she was working and how her body was just taking over. She was in control and I knew that's how I would be someday too. Her body! Oh my God, watching Nick's head come out....his face! I'd seen his face on ultrasound and there it was....OH, it was magic. I was on clouds for I don't know how long, seeing that. I was so surprised that I didn't feel sad about it. That was her magic and I would never steal it from her.
Back to resentment. The magic must lie in the fact that we have to remember that nothing that we see is actually real. This isn't "home". This is all an illusion, one that feels very real because we can't remember anything else. And also, EVERYONE is "in" on whatever is going on. We just don't remember or see the benefit at all. At the end of the "day" (life) everything is "normal" again and we can remember and see again. This is what saves me. Everything is perfect, right now. Perfect. Everything is okay. Now THIS, this "crazy" talk is what will help me actually LOVE him again, in a real love kind of way and not just a "have to" kind of way. The gift of each of us is so priceless, we have no idea. Even him-the Hurtful One, who needs a new name. He doesn't mean to, he doesn't know....he doesn't understand. Hm.
Anyways-
it's 9:30 and the kids are all playing outside. Isn't that wild? It's like it's summer or something.
Cullen leaves tomorrow and I hate it. I hate the going to bed alone, sitting alone. UGH. I miss him already. Must. Use. My.Time.Wisely.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Goal:
I am going to finish this book and have it published. I am! YAY ME! And I'm going to do it sooner rather than later. Like...now. I give myself til the end of March to have it done.
There.
Now let's see some Nicki Magic happen!
There.
Now let's see some Nicki Magic happen!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
What Would You Do?
What would you do if someone you were tied into relationship with (family member, on Cullen's side) said something to someone else in the family SO DEROGATORY about your husband, so totally and completely insulting, that you never wanted to speak to them again?
You know this information, and you will not and cannot tell your husband that it was said because it would completely destroy the already very fragile relationship that is hanging by a thread anyway?
How much strength does it take to take that information in and not let it affect how you feel? How you act?
Maybe I should share the put down? I can't decide. I don't ever want to risk him reading it. EVER.
And as far as I can tell, I already have my work cut out for me as far as somehow shoving it aside enough to have to deal with him. He disgusts me as a human being.
HELP! R---you strike me as maybe being able to help with this with ideas for some reason. Sorry to call you out like that. :) I am all ears to anything anyone has to offer! Thank you!!!
You know this information, and you will not and cannot tell your husband that it was said because it would completely destroy the already very fragile relationship that is hanging by a thread anyway?
How much strength does it take to take that information in and not let it affect how you feel? How you act?
Maybe I should share the put down? I can't decide. I don't ever want to risk him reading it. EVER.
And as far as I can tell, I already have my work cut out for me as far as somehow shoving it aside enough to have to deal with him. He disgusts me as a human being.
HELP! R---you strike me as maybe being able to help with this with ideas for some reason. Sorry to call you out like that. :) I am all ears to anything anyone has to offer! Thank you!!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I'm gonna get this yet!
Last night rocked. I fed the kids, and then promptly fell asleep in Cullen's lap until 7pm. It was terrific! He said he understood what I was saying and nothing more needed to be said, so I let it go at that. He was acting normal so maybe he meant it? He went grocery shopping for me and brought me home my new nemisis- the jalepeno cheddar burger from BK. Yes, freaking BURGER KING. I haven't eaten there in years, and I am IN LOVE with that burger.
I gotta get a grip.
I'm going to run today. I am PMSy, which makes it harder, but also, it's way irritating to not lose a single pound after all that, but whatever. I'm running today. Cullen doesn't work til 12 or whatever.
He leaves Saturday. BOOOOOOO.
ALLLL my babies will be here. So goodbye, my loves. I'm going to write my book and play with babies. You know I'll be back, all too soon, but for now...we part!
LOVE!
I gotta get a grip.
I'm going to run today. I am PMSy, which makes it harder, but also, it's way irritating to not lose a single pound after all that, but whatever. I'm running today. Cullen doesn't work til 12 or whatever.
He leaves Saturday. BOOOOOOO.
ALLLL my babies will be here. So goodbye, my loves. I'm going to write my book and play with babies. You know I'll be back, all too soon, but for now...we part!
LOVE!
Monday, February 14, 2011
One more little push...
is all it took. One more little, tiny, push, with just a hint of "your story has no basis to it and therefore it isn't real, come back to facts, Jesus is the way and the life" and I just puked up every last feeling that I really have on it and sent it back.
That doesn't sound like a big deal. I did my best to stay in MY PERSPECTIVE so as not to be judging anyone or anything, but I did not hold back with what I think and what is true for me. Again, this sounds like who cares? right? but WARS start over this kind of stuff. They do, oh, how they do.
Did I just start a war?
I never heard back from my father in law, either. I know he read it. He's on the computer constantly, sending emails constantly. I know he read it. Is he absorbing it?
The one person it's really fun to punch at when I'm a lucy wench diffused me yesterday. I was just winding up to laugh at him after he said "I've been smoking a lot of weed lately" on the heels of "I have smoked a cigarette in 6 months!" when he looked right at me and said "DON'T YOU JUDGE ME." Damn. There goes that. I was ready to do it, too.
So I'll just keep judging pole dancing hoochie momma's that boys all drool over while patting our thighs and saying "no, really, I love you how you are."
That doesn't sound like a big deal. I did my best to stay in MY PERSPECTIVE so as not to be judging anyone or anything, but I did not hold back with what I think and what is true for me. Again, this sounds like who cares? right? but WARS start over this kind of stuff. They do, oh, how they do.
Did I just start a war?
I never heard back from my father in law, either. I know he read it. He's on the computer constantly, sending emails constantly. I know he read it. Is he absorbing it?
The one person it's really fun to punch at when I'm a lucy wench diffused me yesterday. I was just winding up to laugh at him after he said "I've been smoking a lot of weed lately" on the heels of "I have smoked a cigarette in 6 months!" when he looked right at me and said "DON'T YOU JUDGE ME." Damn. There goes that. I was ready to do it, too.
So I'll just keep judging pole dancing hoochie momma's that boys all drool over while patting our thighs and saying "no, really, I love you how you are."
Just when I thought this day couldn't be saved...
I found this blog.
http://copperandlace.blogspot.com/
I don't love the whole blog, just the first pics. I think I could stare at snowflakes all day long. Oh, right...i do. But I mean up close, so you can see their total and complete magic. Enjoy.
http://copperandlace.blogspot.com/
I don't love the whole blog, just the first pics. I think I could stare at snowflakes all day long. Oh, right...i do. But I mean up close, so you can see their total and complete magic. Enjoy.
If only I could shut up
But sometimes the only person I'd tell this to is the one person it's about and he is NOT reacting very well to what I thought was a very calm, clear, no-big-deal comment.
And it pisses me off. Talk about kid gloves? Holy Jesus. He goes straight into "THAT will NEVER happen again- TRUST ME." which means he won't make any attempts at sex EVER AGAIN (whatever). It's so fucking (sorry, potty mouth) stupid. Grow up. If I say no, respect it. It wasn't like I was going to make him go to bed without The Finish. How many men out there would have a problem with "Please take me NOW." How many men would like to not be concerned with the girls finish, cept it seems to be a little obsession for all of them? Why won't he just believe me when I say that I could care less about that on a particular night, my body doesn't want to be touched, but it's not too much of a problem to pull my pants down and bend over (graphic! sorry!)? Who gives a shit? Why does he need to be so defensive? I didn't attack him. I could have, you know. Inside my head I was a crying, sobbing, irritated, mad mess that I asked him TWO TIMES to STOP and he WOULDN'T. Hello??? I didn't attack him. I know he loves me. I know that he just knows that my body will respond and then maybe I'll like it. But GOD. Seriously? I'm going to have THIS conversations with MY HUSBAND who is now saying things like "oh, this is the longest day ever now." Fuck you. Grow up. I didn't attack you. I told you that when I say stop it's actually because I really don't want you to keep going. That's it. Stop dramatizing it more than it needs to be. I have enough of that in my own head. Why do I have to console HIM????
I'm SO PREMENSTRUAL.
Come kick me in my head. Honestly. How long til I'm not premenstrual and everything can stop being Such A Big Deal?
And it pisses me off. Talk about kid gloves? Holy Jesus. He goes straight into "THAT will NEVER happen again- TRUST ME." which means he won't make any attempts at sex EVER AGAIN (whatever). It's so fucking (sorry, potty mouth) stupid. Grow up. If I say no, respect it. It wasn't like I was going to make him go to bed without The Finish. How many men out there would have a problem with "Please take me NOW." How many men would like to not be concerned with the girls finish, cept it seems to be a little obsession for all of them? Why won't he just believe me when I say that I could care less about that on a particular night, my body doesn't want to be touched, but it's not too much of a problem to pull my pants down and bend over (graphic! sorry!)? Who gives a shit? Why does he need to be so defensive? I didn't attack him. I could have, you know. Inside my head I was a crying, sobbing, irritated, mad mess that I asked him TWO TIMES to STOP and he WOULDN'T. Hello??? I didn't attack him. I know he loves me. I know that he just knows that my body will respond and then maybe I'll like it. But GOD. Seriously? I'm going to have THIS conversations with MY HUSBAND who is now saying things like "oh, this is the longest day ever now." Fuck you. Grow up. I didn't attack you. I told you that when I say stop it's actually because I really don't want you to keep going. That's it. Stop dramatizing it more than it needs to be. I have enough of that in my own head. Why do I have to console HIM????
I'm SO PREMENSTRUAL.
Come kick me in my head. Honestly. How long til I'm not premenstrual and everything can stop being Such A Big Deal?
Green light
To counteract the bad post I posted earlier, I'll post a good one.
I emailed my father in law, like I said, to let him know how I feel about the things he says and how he acts. I read it to Cullen and to his brother before sending it, to double check that the meanness I was feeling didn't come across.
Cullen was so impressed. He said "Man, the way you write! You should...write."
:) Isn't that nice??? That was so very nice.
I love what I'm writing so far, I love the characters in it, and I love the way the story is unravelling. I also have some free webinars regarding writing and character development and maybe I'll actually use them? I don't know.
But yay, those things are good things!!!! And I'm about to start a conversation with my darling husband, my sweet, darling husband regarding the fact that if I told him a story about a boy who wouldn't stop when I said no a couple of time, he'd want to hurt them badly....and he does that to me sometimes. It's up to ME to change it and I'm going to. GOOOOOO ME!
I emailed my father in law, like I said, to let him know how I feel about the things he says and how he acts. I read it to Cullen and to his brother before sending it, to double check that the meanness I was feeling didn't come across.
Cullen was so impressed. He said "Man, the way you write! You should...write."
:) Isn't that nice??? That was so very nice.
I love what I'm writing so far, I love the characters in it, and I love the way the story is unravelling. I also have some free webinars regarding writing and character development and maybe I'll actually use them? I don't know.
But yay, those things are good things!!!! And I'm about to start a conversation with my darling husband, my sweet, darling husband regarding the fact that if I told him a story about a boy who wouldn't stop when I said no a couple of time, he'd want to hurt them badly....and he does that to me sometimes. It's up to ME to change it and I'm going to. GOOOOOO ME!
Have To
I have no where else to put this. I'm sad about that, too. I could make up a totally secret blog that only I have, I suppose.
I thought I'd put it on the sex blog, because I don't know those people really, but I'm rather a buzz kill there since them the one who's married for 14 years and has 4 kids and it's just different.
I wish I didn't have to put a million disclaimers on this, but I am going to. Cullen is fantastic. In almost every single aspect. He is a little (hehe) overprotective but he's great. Who woke up to their husbands on Sunday saying this to them?
"What time did you go to bed?" (we fell asleep on the couch together)
"At 1. You woke up too and said you were coming. You never made it."
"Funny. The last thing I remember was playing with your hair and watching your face, and then suddenly it was 4am and you weren't there!"
And that's real. I hear that kind of stuff all the time. Can I stop now?
Obligatory Sex.
I've noticed a bigger swing between pre o and post o. That's ovulation for those of you who's lives never revolved around it and having to chart your cycles. I'm WAY WAY more interested in it before hand than after. That's the "norm" for everyone, but I have noticed the difference is getting to be MORE. I may go into early menopause due to the hyst, even though I have my ovaries, so I might be more aware of it due to that? I don't know.
I'm WAY post o. We go from 3 or 4 times a week to 1, maybe 2 --come on, it's for 2 flippin weeks and I don't bleed, so we jump right back into GIDDYUP. Understand?
He gets unbearable if we don't do it often enough. Only he doesn't just want quickies, he wants me to WANT IT. Well, fuck me, if I had that switch it'd be ON all the time, you know? Hello! Last night I was made aware that he really, really needed it. It had been awhile since "the real thing" (not a quickie) so I showered, and i SAID "let's make out and see what happens"....this might not be "fair" to the guy, because they will end up hard, hornier and with blue balls anyway. So I go in knowing I'll be having sex no matter what. the most irritating thing in the world to me is a pouting boy who just won't take care of it himself.
So at some point, pre actual sex, I asked him to PLEASE STOP, please just come have sex with me, please, I didn't like it or want it and TO ME there is NOTHING ELSE more irritating than when my body is forced to go through the motions. This is how boys can be raped, and why they are so confused about it- if you touch them enough, they will respond. They can't HELP IT. Our bodies send the blood, and it happens. At some point after you make that happen, it will start to feel semi good. Your head can be screaming "I. DON'T. WANT. TO. DO. THIS." but your body is saying "Here we are. Let's go." Girl bodies are the same way.
I was so mad at him. I asked him to STOP. 2 times. I could have gotten up out of bed, I could have pushed him away and got mad out loud right then, but I didn't. I didn't want to have THIS argument or "discussion" (Is there anything to discuss? When I say NO, RESPECT IT GODDAMMIT!) that way. I don't want it to be a big blown up thing, I need to say it nicely, quietly, with as little drama as possible. I'm good at crawling into my head when things I don't like are happening to me, so I crawled in, and soon enough it was done.
So I have to figure out how to have this sensitive conversation with him. He's the MOST SENSITIVE PERSON TO EVER LIFE. You thought it was ME, but it's actually him. You wouldn't know it from looking at him, he looks like a typical male, and he doesn't let people in, but when you're in, you find out that especially these things REALLY matter to him.
SIGH.
I have a blue kitchen and a new floor (for $100 on craigslist, btw.) and it's beautiful. I have touch ups to do, but it's Monday now. I also begged off my conversation with Betty, who was put up to email me about religion by my father in law. Cullen had a very rough day with his dad yesterday, and we were the target of many put downs by him. I was so mad that I emailed him. That felt good. Then I emailed Betty to send her my love and my thanks for being great, but told her that due to the circumstances surrounding the conversation, I just didn't feel like having it anymore, but that if I did, I'd be back.
And soon my daycare kids will be here. I get up early for Ethan. She just text me that they are late. I could have still been sleeping...
Oh well. The coffee is done, and this I'm ready for a little kick in the pants.
Happy Monday!
I thought I'd put it on the sex blog, because I don't know those people really, but I'm rather a buzz kill there since them the one who's married for 14 years and has 4 kids and it's just different.
I wish I didn't have to put a million disclaimers on this, but I am going to. Cullen is fantastic. In almost every single aspect. He is a little (hehe) overprotective but he's great. Who woke up to their husbands on Sunday saying this to them?
"What time did you go to bed?" (we fell asleep on the couch together)
"At 1. You woke up too and said you were coming. You never made it."
"Funny. The last thing I remember was playing with your hair and watching your face, and then suddenly it was 4am and you weren't there!"
And that's real. I hear that kind of stuff all the time. Can I stop now?
Obligatory Sex.
I've noticed a bigger swing between pre o and post o. That's ovulation for those of you who's lives never revolved around it and having to chart your cycles. I'm WAY WAY more interested in it before hand than after. That's the "norm" for everyone, but I have noticed the difference is getting to be MORE. I may go into early menopause due to the hyst, even though I have my ovaries, so I might be more aware of it due to that? I don't know.
I'm WAY post o. We go from 3 or 4 times a week to 1, maybe 2 --come on, it's for 2 flippin weeks and I don't bleed, so we jump right back into GIDDYUP. Understand?
He gets unbearable if we don't do it often enough. Only he doesn't just want quickies, he wants me to WANT IT. Well, fuck me, if I had that switch it'd be ON all the time, you know? Hello! Last night I was made aware that he really, really needed it. It had been awhile since "the real thing" (not a quickie) so I showered, and i SAID "let's make out and see what happens"....this might not be "fair" to the guy, because they will end up hard, hornier and with blue balls anyway. So I go in knowing I'll be having sex no matter what. the most irritating thing in the world to me is a pouting boy who just won't take care of it himself.
So at some point, pre actual sex, I asked him to PLEASE STOP, please just come have sex with me, please, I didn't like it or want it and TO ME there is NOTHING ELSE more irritating than when my body is forced to go through the motions. This is how boys can be raped, and why they are so confused about it- if you touch them enough, they will respond. They can't HELP IT. Our bodies send the blood, and it happens. At some point after you make that happen, it will start to feel semi good. Your head can be screaming "I. DON'T. WANT. TO. DO. THIS." but your body is saying "Here we are. Let's go." Girl bodies are the same way.
I was so mad at him. I asked him to STOP. 2 times. I could have gotten up out of bed, I could have pushed him away and got mad out loud right then, but I didn't. I didn't want to have THIS argument or "discussion" (Is there anything to discuss? When I say NO, RESPECT IT GODDAMMIT!) that way. I don't want it to be a big blown up thing, I need to say it nicely, quietly, with as little drama as possible. I'm good at crawling into my head when things I don't like are happening to me, so I crawled in, and soon enough it was done.
So I have to figure out how to have this sensitive conversation with him. He's the MOST SENSITIVE PERSON TO EVER LIFE. You thought it was ME, but it's actually him. You wouldn't know it from looking at him, he looks like a typical male, and he doesn't let people in, but when you're in, you find out that especially these things REALLY matter to him.
SIGH.
I have a blue kitchen and a new floor (for $100 on craigslist, btw.) and it's beautiful. I have touch ups to do, but it's Monday now. I also begged off my conversation with Betty, who was put up to email me about religion by my father in law. Cullen had a very rough day with his dad yesterday, and we were the target of many put downs by him. I was so mad that I emailed him. That felt good. Then I emailed Betty to send her my love and my thanks for being great, but told her that due to the circumstances surrounding the conversation, I just didn't feel like having it anymore, but that if I did, I'd be back.
And soon my daycare kids will be here. I get up early for Ethan. She just text me that they are late. I could have still been sleeping...
Oh well. The coffee is done, and this I'm ready for a little kick in the pants.
Happy Monday!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Blue
I have the most deliciously blue kitchen. And the wood flooring that we scored from craigslist for super cheap is going into today. Right now, as a matter of fact. Magic!
Won't the people who live here next just HATE the blue? I'll post a pic when it's done. :)
Won't the people who live here next just HATE the blue? I'll post a pic when it's done. :)
Friday, February 11, 2011
Sexier in 90 days??
How stupid. That's an actual infomercial. There's probably loads of them out there like this, I don't know, I don't pay attention, but this really irritated me.
Here- I can tell you how to be sexier in 90 SECONDS, how's that? Got a minute and a half? Pick a few of these and there you go:
1. Smile when you catch someone looking at you.
1A. Smile anyway. Notice how much better looking the people who are smiling are???
2. Stop apologizing for everything and anything.
3. Buck the rules. Any rule, right now. Pick one, and say screw it. You'll glow a little and BAM! Sexy.
4. Put your hair up.
5. Or take your hair down.
6. Throw on a little lip color and some ear rings and walk like you MEAN IT.
7. Something funny? Let em hear you laugh.
8. Have a little self confidence. Don't feel it? Pretend you do.
9. Learn how to take a compliment.
10. Learn how to give them.
11. Learn how to listen, sincerely.
12. Learn how to make other people shine.
13. Sing. Loudly. Offkey. Whatever. Anyone who sings out loud has *it*.
14. Realize that the people around you probably know something you don't. Find out what it is. Learn something.
15. Realize we're all connected and you can find out how, if only you'll engage and find out. Engage!
16. Shit or get off the pot! Complaining about the same thing over and over and over is NOT sexy. Busting a move is.
Who the hell needs 90 days? Being sexy isn't about exercising MORE or losing MORE weight or looking a particular way. It isn't what you eat. UGH. We're raising kids in a society that screws everything up! Boys see the pretty airbrushed girls in magazines, on TV, in porn, and girls see em too, and soon WE are not good enough anymore, just how we are. And God help us if we have children. Sexy isn't a size 4, 110 pounds. Or even 120 pounds. It's not a number, dammit!
And just for emphasis, I'll tell you that I don't own a scale. I feel good about me just about all the time. But I've been running for weeks now. I see some changes, but I get frustrated because when I put on my freshly washed jeans I am still squatting and stretching and whatevs to get them "comfy". My sister in law got on weight watchers and lost 3.4 pounds in 1 week. UGH.
But it's NOT ABOUT THAT. It's so easy to get sucked in.
Tonight, I'm going out with half of my kids and my husband, to see RV's and I am going to be fab, because I am fab. Right now. In sweatshirt and jeans, with my hair all over the place. Because I am so excited to be there, people will want to talk to me. And because I want to learn, I'll want to talk to people, and I'll notice that they are fab too. Sexy isn't in 15 more pounds or 2 sizes smaller, it's right this second. <----that was a note to self, by the way. Flip the switch on already!
Here- I can tell you how to be sexier in 90 SECONDS, how's that? Got a minute and a half? Pick a few of these and there you go:
1. Smile when you catch someone looking at you.
1A. Smile anyway. Notice how much better looking the people who are smiling are???
2. Stop apologizing for everything and anything.
3. Buck the rules. Any rule, right now. Pick one, and say screw it. You'll glow a little and BAM! Sexy.
4. Put your hair up.
5. Or take your hair down.
6. Throw on a little lip color and some ear rings and walk like you MEAN IT.
7. Something funny? Let em hear you laugh.
8. Have a little self confidence. Don't feel it? Pretend you do.
9. Learn how to take a compliment.
10. Learn how to give them.
11. Learn how to listen, sincerely.
12. Learn how to make other people shine.
13. Sing. Loudly. Offkey. Whatever. Anyone who sings out loud has *it*.
14. Realize that the people around you probably know something you don't. Find out what it is. Learn something.
15. Realize we're all connected and you can find out how, if only you'll engage and find out. Engage!
16. Shit or get off the pot! Complaining about the same thing over and over and over is NOT sexy. Busting a move is.
Who the hell needs 90 days? Being sexy isn't about exercising MORE or losing MORE weight or looking a particular way. It isn't what you eat. UGH. We're raising kids in a society that screws everything up! Boys see the pretty airbrushed girls in magazines, on TV, in porn, and girls see em too, and soon WE are not good enough anymore, just how we are. And God help us if we have children. Sexy isn't a size 4, 110 pounds. Or even 120 pounds. It's not a number, dammit!
And just for emphasis, I'll tell you that I don't own a scale. I feel good about me just about all the time. But I've been running for weeks now. I see some changes, but I get frustrated because when I put on my freshly washed jeans I am still squatting and stretching and whatevs to get them "comfy". My sister in law got on weight watchers and lost 3.4 pounds in 1 week. UGH.
But it's NOT ABOUT THAT. It's so easy to get sucked in.
Tonight, I'm going out with half of my kids and my husband, to see RV's and I am going to be fab, because I am fab. Right now. In sweatshirt and jeans, with my hair all over the place. Because I am so excited to be there, people will want to talk to me. And because I want to learn, I'll want to talk to people, and I'll notice that they are fab too. Sexy isn't in 15 more pounds or 2 sizes smaller, it's right this second. <----that was a note to self, by the way. Flip the switch on already!
I believe I can fly
Okay- 4 cups of coffee is the amount it takes to go from zero to 80.
CJ and Josh are gone tonight. Maybe we'll hit the RV thing TONIGHT! WHOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!
And I can now clearly see that I want a blue kitchen. Yes, blue. You KNOW it's going to be fabulous. I'm just barely stopping myself from tearing the wall paper down. And I have a feeling that I won't resist much longer.
I believe I can touch the sky....I think about it every night and day, spread my wings and
FLY AWAY!
* UPDATE* They always said that if I tried, that was all that mattered. i tried to not tear it all down. :D :D :D :D Okay, fine, you win- only 90% is down. Here I go to the rest.
CJ and Josh are gone tonight. Maybe we'll hit the RV thing TONIGHT! WHOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!
And I can now clearly see that I want a blue kitchen. Yes, blue. You KNOW it's going to be fabulous. I'm just barely stopping myself from tearing the wall paper down. And I have a feeling that I won't resist much longer.
I believe I can touch the sky....I think about it every night and day, spread my wings and
FLY AWAY!
* UPDATE* They always said that if I tried, that was all that mattered. i tried to not tear it all down. :D :D :D :D Okay, fine, you win- only 90% is down. Here I go to the rest.
Save Me, San Fran
Okay. Game face on. Can't seem to ingest enough coffee to make me fly today. Didn't sleep very well for some strange reason. Doing my normal "slam as much in in the morning as I can before hitting the wall"- got all the winter decorations down "They AREN'T CHRISTMAS!! Clearly, they are WINTER!!!" Samantha, Ethan, Caiden and I are ready to lay down. :) It's 9:05.
Will dust. Will feed Caiden. Am playing peek a book with Ethan.
It's Friday. Caiden came. Kimmy found out how much easier it is to get anything done without the kiddo around, especially work.
My candles which shouldn't be lit but are smell heavenly.
I need spring. Tomorrow, it will be spring. My favorite Mike Fairbourne PROMISED me that tomorrow it will be 40. Cullen says maybe we'll run outside, maybe at woodlake. He has the itch to get out too and wants to do something fun tonight- he went from going out to eat and bowling to getting a room at a casino---how will THAT be fun for the kids? No way. I make fun of people who bring their children to casinos...how desperate do you have to be to do THAT?! But maybe a hotel for the night? That would be fun.
I think I have an emotional hangover from my friend, actually. Isn't that weird? Do I really visit other people's energy so much that I can catch their emotional hangover? Nik- does this happen to you? How do you prevent it? Did I tell you that one of the people in the chain is going to school to get her degree in bio energy work???? I think I did.
So CJ came home with a 61% on his Core Knowledge test on Middle Eastern Europe. His teacher made me sign it and he'd written a sad face on it. So I emailed him to find out how I can help support CJ with Core Knowledge. CJ admits that he isn't that interested in what they are forced to learn and this is where he has me because my SKEWERED view of education is that we waste a whole lot of time shoving shit down their throats that doesn't matter to them right now. Honestly. What 9 year old gives a shit about the London Bridge and who built it? Present that to them again in 20 years and you might get their attention, but right now? Right. It's such a waste. Already we teach them to memorize and purge and forget. So f*cking stupid. I HAVE to home school. I have to. I hate this cycle. I can barely care about his 61%. Cullen is more rational, of course, and wants CJ to apply himself more. So the school fight begins? I don't know. One thing that I know FOR SURE is that if we were to VISIT a place, a museum, and we took 2-3 hours there, looking and reading and learning and touching and seeing and were totally surrounded by it, and then after that read a book having ANYTHING to do with what we'd learned (fiction or otherwise)...well, give them a "test" then and you're going to get something back, and it'll be more than 61%. Stupid ass education system.
I suppose you want to know how I REALLY feel about it. HA!
This weekend= RV show, and a trip to 50th and Penn for some shoes for my boats. Can't wait!
Will dust. Will feed Caiden. Am playing peek a book with Ethan.
It's Friday. Caiden came. Kimmy found out how much easier it is to get anything done without the kiddo around, especially work.
My candles which shouldn't be lit but are smell heavenly.
I need spring. Tomorrow, it will be spring. My favorite Mike Fairbourne PROMISED me that tomorrow it will be 40. Cullen says maybe we'll run outside, maybe at woodlake. He has the itch to get out too and wants to do something fun tonight- he went from going out to eat and bowling to getting a room at a casino---how will THAT be fun for the kids? No way. I make fun of people who bring their children to casinos...how desperate do you have to be to do THAT?! But maybe a hotel for the night? That would be fun.
I think I have an emotional hangover from my friend, actually. Isn't that weird? Do I really visit other people's energy so much that I can catch their emotional hangover? Nik- does this happen to you? How do you prevent it? Did I tell you that one of the people in the chain is going to school to get her degree in bio energy work???? I think I did.
So CJ came home with a 61% on his Core Knowledge test on Middle Eastern Europe. His teacher made me sign it and he'd written a sad face on it. So I emailed him to find out how I can help support CJ with Core Knowledge. CJ admits that he isn't that interested in what they are forced to learn and this is where he has me because my SKEWERED view of education is that we waste a whole lot of time shoving shit down their throats that doesn't matter to them right now. Honestly. What 9 year old gives a shit about the London Bridge and who built it? Present that to them again in 20 years and you might get their attention, but right now? Right. It's such a waste. Already we teach them to memorize and purge and forget. So f*cking stupid. I HAVE to home school. I have to. I hate this cycle. I can barely care about his 61%. Cullen is more rational, of course, and wants CJ to apply himself more. So the school fight begins? I don't know. One thing that I know FOR SURE is that if we were to VISIT a place, a museum, and we took 2-3 hours there, looking and reading and learning and touching and seeing and were totally surrounded by it, and then after that read a book having ANYTHING to do with what we'd learned (fiction or otherwise)...well, give them a "test" then and you're going to get something back, and it'll be more than 61%. Stupid ass education system.
I suppose you want to know how I REALLY feel about it. HA!
This weekend= RV show, and a trip to 50th and Penn for some shoes for my boats. Can't wait!
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