Single parenthood

This is reminding me of what it felt like when Cullen worked 2nd shift. I'm so glad he'll be home Wednesday.
It's all good- it is a mindset, of course...running the show alone, that is. When you know you have only you to depend on, then you buck up and take care of business. But holy rat butts am I feeling it today. It's like The Transition all over again--- it takes a solid 4 days of plowing through, and then it doesn't hurt SO bad...and by 2 weeks, the Mind Set is complete. You stop counting on anyone else except you. Sometimes you do something that's extra hard just because you can, and then "normal" will feel easier. At least that's how it has been for me. So I'm on Full Day TWO without Cullen, and I had more daycare kids here today than I ever have before. THANK GOD they are all good kids, but it's SO busy and crazy sometimes. I need to get the other highchair in here so I can tandem feed the little guys. I'm amazed at how loud one child can be, and how long they can keep it up, when they want to eat RIGHT NOW DARNIT! I had 11 kids. I wouldn't even be able to have that many when I'm licensed.
I'm seriously considering not getting licensed now. I won't have that many kids on a day to day basis, but I'm just not planning on doing this long term. I am really planning on my little family taking off.
I had The Talk with dad today. He's so fabulous. He "entertains" me by pretending my "crazy" ideas are *actually* do able...and I think a small part of him fears that I mean it when I say something because...well, my follow through rate on my craziest ideas is 99.5%. I'm down. 5% because I didn't get to be a surrogate even though I tried so hard. He came over to feed all bazillion kids M&M's (told you, he ROCKS!) and we were perusing craigslist and pleasureland and all the other RV sites. He came up with everything from "Hey! We'll get you a nice Suburban and then you can buy this travel trailer...." to "Yes, yes, I know, Class A, but you really should just rent one for a couple of weeks first to make sure you won't go nuts...and what about school?" which is the part of him that knows that there's a good chance I'm actually going to follow through with it. :)
All 4 kids are in bed.
OH! The key! I almost forgot the key to single parenthood. Of course it's different when the kids are Very Young. The kind of young that need constant tending. Mine are at golden ages. They are actually really, really fun to hang out with. We learn things together, we play together, and I can check out of MOM mode and just have fun, and GOD that helps. SO MUCH.
I keep attracting authors into my life. It scares me. What does it MEAN???? These people are such fantastic writers and it scares the underwear right off of me. Wait a minute...! ;) It makes me sometimes feel like everyone knows something I don't. They've already DONE this. And even just reading their blogs- they don't sound like scatter brained messes like I do. They sound focused and organized....
I really think I have something, though, with what I'm writing. It's probably also like scrapbooking- there are as many different styles and ideas as people. A very well written author just asked me about what I'm writing. I feel like I'm going to disappoint him when I tell him.
Kinda makes me want to throw up, little bit. It's much nicer to just not talk about it, not let anyone I know read it, and publish the thing- which IS going to be AWESOME. I'm in love with it, but it's such a personal thing. There's me all over it, and people I adore all over it too, fact mixed with fiction, things I've never said mixed with things I'd never say, mixed with things people would recognize.
Vomit. Okay.
Here goes. Might as well out myself now and squash any thought that I'm nearly as good as anyone else.
How's that for a load of self confidence? I'm going to respond to him and keep writing my book. And then meditate, dammit.