Resentment

Oh, resentment...isn't it just evil?
I bet everyone has someone or something that they resent about someone. Sometimes it sneaks in, quietly as you just deal with whatever is at the root cause. Sometimes it goes away just as easily as circumstances change and you no longer have to be faced with whatever it was. Like nursing moms...I'm sure there are some out there who didn't mind waking up all the damned time at night no matter what the next morning brought- like going to work, or working from home with all the kids there too- while their husband slept through it all. I was so sick of that by the 3rd kid. I was so happy when he bootcamped Julia for me while I went to mom's and slept through the night for the first time in forever and ever.
Or how sometimes the people around us are a particular way, and we all know there is no changing someone. Only they can. Sometimes it's worth it to talk to them and mention what is hurting you, but sometimes they won't hear you, they will only get defensive and it's just not worth it, so you deal. Resentment grows. Love slips away. Soon you "love" them because you are tied to them in whatever way but you don't REALLY love them, and most certainly don't LIKE them.
Communication is SO important. There is a way to communicate hurt without making the other person feel that way, defensive. Sometimes they will no matter what you say, of course, but you are doing yourself a favor to speak up. You are honoring yourself.
But I suppose, again, sometimes it's just not worth it. I'm thinking about my brother in law. Some in the family like to blame Bosnia on him "snapping". But I'm pretty sure that whatever made him snap started LONG before Bosnia. His self esteem was in the garbage a long time ago. I didn't know him as a child. I know he has always been the "black sheep", the youngest of all the boys, and picked on. Did that affect him? Why has he always needed to feel like he has to buy everyone's friendship and love? Anyway, he did snap. Ah, but communication. There's SNAPPING and then there is saying "This really sucked, and it has hurt me for a long time"...but is "I'm sorry" enough by then????? Or is saying "The way you drink and aren't a part of our lives pisses me off because I feel like you're missing out, and you're making us miss out on you, too" worth anything if nothing will change?
I don't know. I don't know at all.
Forgiveness is the key, of course. Magical forgiveness. It's the gift that we give to ourselves, if only we can find a way to really, truly get there. Otherwise you're just jaded. We just become jaded in regards to that person. Perhaps we have to, to protect ourselves from more hurt. How do you forgive someone who will just keep hurting you?????

I don't know.

Cullen's aunt is still emailing me questions. She's so polite and sweet (mostly...her last one almost sounded righteous "Where do you get your information? Mine comes straight out of the BIBLE.") but I have stopped responding because I don't need her validation. I don't need anyone's validation on how I feel or what my beliefs are. Doesn't matter.

Today Adalane's brother is here. Nick. My namesake. :) He is precious and I love him. CJ can't play the Wii for the rest of this season, and no computer gaming either until he gets an 80% or better on a core knowledge test. He's going outside to play by himself. :) The others will be out shortly. It's too bad it isn't warmer outside. He and Nick both have books to read today, that will be nice for them both. I'll be utilizing that one at quiet time. Think I can get 9 kids to be quiet????
I remember watching him be born. I had miscarried for the 2nd time, in Mexico. Nick's mom and I were close, and she had stopped liking my brother in law. He was like a pregnancy aversion to him and I was some kind of horrible go between. She wouldn't let him in the room, but her sister and I were there. It was the first time I got to see magic in action. I was completely in awe of the work that she was doing, how hard she was working and how her body was just taking over. She was in control and I knew that's how I would be someday too. Her body! Oh my God, watching Nick's head come out....his face! I'd seen his face on ultrasound and there it was....OH, it was magic. I was on clouds for I don't know how long, seeing that. I was so surprised that I didn't feel sad about it. That was her magic and I would never steal it from her.

Back to resentment. The magic must lie in the fact that we have to remember that nothing that we see is actually real. This isn't "home". This is all an illusion, one that feels very real because we can't remember anything else. And also, EVERYONE is "in" on whatever is going on. We just don't remember or see the benefit at all. At the end of the "day" (life) everything is "normal" again and we can remember and see again. This is what saves me. Everything is perfect, right now. Perfect. Everything is okay. Now THIS, this "crazy" talk is what will help me actually LOVE him again, in a real love kind of way and not just a "have to" kind of way. The gift of each of us is so priceless, we have no idea. Even him-the Hurtful One, who needs a new name. He doesn't mean to, he doesn't know....he doesn't understand. Hm.
Anyways-
it's 9:30 and the kids are all playing outside. Isn't that wild? It's like it's summer or something.

Cullen leaves tomorrow and I hate it. I hate the going to bed alone, sitting alone. UGH. I miss him already. Must. Use. My.Time.Wisely.