Resolve

Good Morning!--er, afternoon.

I feel like I have vomited a lot of UNHAPPY lately, so I will spare you the details of my incredibly all too vivid dream from last night. It is dream #3 that I've had that is so real that it was like it actually happened, or will happen. I could hear the thoughts, I could smell the gore, it was horrible. I woke up crying, found that Cullen and the kids were gone (i'd come running out for a hug)--but he'd left me a coffee and the paper. I've been a disaster all morning. Literally. Stupid. It was just a dream!

So I'm doing everything I can to pull myself up, and I'm going to. AND I'm going to do it so well that I'm going to get the sun to come out in a little while. I've already started.

I'm going to go shopping. I'm not a girl who believes in the power of shopping, but I am going to go to Kohls. And I'm going to buy some cute bras and underthings. Being stuck in the house with babies who keep me covered in poo, drool and snot is making a growing need in me, a need to be cute, to get out of the house and rejoin the human family once again. So I'm going to do it. I can't put make up on because the tears sneak up on me with little to no warning, and i'm hoping that being out will stop that. I did make it to MFN's to do her hair for the ball, and I was good til I experimented with telling someone else the dream. So I should make it through a shopping trip. I'm actually really excited! I don't own a scale and I don't think anything is fitting me*that* different, but my little black dress did spark something in me, that I AM cute, or at least have a cute body, even in all it's perceived imperfections.

So I'm sending it out into the world...the sun will come out, good songs will be played, I will smile my incredibly all too much smile and someone will smile back and things are going to be okay. it was just a dream!

And who the hell knows...all those people who say shopping "helps" somehow might be on to something. :) I'll let you know. I have an urge to find some really really pretty stationary...the kind that i can FEEL on the inside, that does something for me. Maybe I'll find that today?

COME ON SUNSHINE! You can't resist me!