So full of it!

I wonder: Am I the biggest liar on the face of the Earth?
So I sit around telling myself a bunch of lies all the time? DO I??
Here's why I wonder.

Cullen's leaving at the end of the month to Salt Lake City. I HATE this. And he HATES it too, but for a different reason than I hate it. I hate it because I HATE going to bed by myself knowing that I'm the only adult in the house and in the morning he won't be in bed, it's all me. I dislike that. Putting the kids to bed and then having hours to myself...well...I don't care for that. Reminds me of waiting up for him til 11:30pm. I just don't like it. Enough explaining that?

The reason he doesn't like it is because I'll be ALONE and there's a part of him that feels like I am chained here, to him and that at the first chance I get, I'll bolt. I'll go find me someone I *REALLY* love, I'll cut loose, I'll stop being such a goody two shoes.

That, of course, is crap. Total and complete crap. I give him a little leeway on feeling this way only because when I look back, I'm sure I've shaken his confidence a bit. However, along with that should come the knowledge that I COULD leave whenever I want to. I can pack up and be single today, you know? Nothing is holding me here but me.

That being said, last night I totally and completely caught myself thinking "I wonder if I can get Michelle to go out with me one of those nights..." which is EXACTLY what he's expecting me to do!!! Now, the fact remains that I'll have four children + daycare kids to wake up with the next day, so any "going out" I do won't be- CANNOT BE- wild and crazy. So what would the point even be????? That's why I'm wondering if I just fill myself up with bullshit and that maybe I am just as horrible as Cullen thinks I am. What would be the point in going out? I'd laugh, I'm sure. I'd have a buzz I'm sure (unless MFN jacks my tolerance up any higher by feeding me drinks. maybe I won't keep saying things like "I am SO SICK AND TIRED of them using my body on TV without my prescription!" after only one beer.). What am I LOOKING FOR?? What is the point of going out then? And what about that does he not like, right now?????
He doesn't go out. We don't go out. I go out with Allyssa once in awhile and I'll die soon if I don't see her, but we go have dinner and are home by 8. Those are life saving go outs. Neither of us go out to have drinks with our work people, our friends. This is not a bad thing either. Hello? Drinking and driving...yeah, it's not a good thing. Plus it's way cheaper to drink right here. I have a bottle of cherry vodka that I can drink whenever I want.
What is it I'm looking for? Why do I feel like going out? Is it because I can go out and not have to worry about what time I come home, save for relieving mom from babysitting? Is it that I don't have to worry about Cullen sitting at home worrying? He can be in SLC worrying? What IS it?????? Is it that it would be an actual break for me, like CLOCK OUT, I DON'T HAVE TO BE A WIFE OR A MOTHER RIGHT NOW break???
Am I as bad as he thinks?
Am I to feel bad for wanting that break sometimes?
WHO AM I??!?!?!??!

On the tails of this is another emailed question from Cullen's aunt, wanting to know specifically how I feel about Christianity. I've kept it all general so far. But now she wants specifics. PRAY FOR ME (bwahhhh hahahahahhahaahahahahahahah!!!!). I need to answer her in a way that doesn't offend her and yet if she actually is open to hearing this instead of shutting out everything I'm saying as wrong (it's so much fun to know you're "wrong" the second you open your mouth!)....I need to speak in a way that doesn't make her defensive. HELP ME!

By the way, Jun Bo is FANTASTIC. I love love LOVE IT. It's delicious and my new favorite "chinese" food. It ROCKS. And i don't know if it was the carbs or the carbs from the tatertot hotdish at lunch, but GAWD running was close to orgasmic last night. I didn't feel a thing til the end. *note to self*...find out if glucosamine is hard on kidneys and how much I can take.

SMOOCH!