For the first time in a really, really long time, I shut my head up long enough to git r done. It was everything that I remember it being and then some. Awesome! What was magical is how it happened. My biggest obstacle (you'll never believe it) is shutting my head up. As the kids get older, I have even MORE things to remember, and with the daycare...oh, God. My list never SHORTENS. Each day I let myself off the hook of doing a couple of the things and BAM. I'm laying in bed thinking about who i HAVE to call the next day no matter HOW loud the Crazies are, etc. It seems to help that Cullen is gone and wasn't in bed with me- I wonder why? "They" say not to meditate laying down, but I fully intended on meditating myself into unconsciousness, which is what I did, and I slept All. Night. Long.
Because I need to focus on SOMETHING to blow everything else out of my head, I blank my mind (duh)- I make it a white screen. Then I man the perimeters, beating out any thoughts that try to come in. Too much "doing". Next thing you know there's the word LIFE on my blank screen. I just watched that. Nothing else came in while I focused on LIFE. After some amount of time LIFE changed to LOVE. And on it went- Every few moments the word would change and it didn't feel as if I were purposely doing it. My mind was QUIET. OH how I miss that. What word was it that...it was long..I can't recall...one word was long, and became glittery and it rippled, and then I could hear The Voice. Yes, that's what I miss the most, The Voice. Hearing the voice when I'm running around like crazy is nice- I know I'm never alone (see how easy it would be to get on meds? Who would want such a buzz kill though?). But hearing it when my head is QUIET. It's like getting directly plugged into it, and nothing else matters. Suddenly I can remember things that I forget day to day. To suddenly feel at one with everyone and everything is AWESOME---and AWESOME doesn't really begin to touch it. Ohhhh, it was so good. Yes, I'm sure I was MEDITATING and not MASTURBATING. ;)
It's getting lighter out earlier in the mornings. It's actually pretty outside...the blue glowy color and the snow...
Cullen leaves for home sometime today, not til later. I'm scared to death for his drive home, through the mountains, with spas on the back of a pickup. SCARED TO DEATH. Especially after hearing what the drive there was like. Hopefully there will be no storms anywhere, and they'll be okay. I feel sick thinking about it. He can't get here fast enough! I just want him here safely. You can expect to hear more fretting about that today and tomorrow until he shows up in one piece.
And Salt Lake City is a for sure now that he's been there. I get to see mountains! :)
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