Strange Fruit

Josh is studying the civil War, and of course, my little engineer is all over it.
Slavery was a big part of the civil war, and so we had a wonderful discussion about the whole thing- how stupid we are to fight amongst ourselves, and yet we had to in order to help "right" a "wrong". And how Great Britain is no more at fault than Africa is, or we are. Or Hitler for that matter.
Anyway, I made a decision.
I showed them a video for "strange fruit".
It was very, very disturbing. I double dog dare you to youtube it and watch the whole thing. I'll be wrecked for a few days now, but I had them watch it and so I watched it also.
Real people, real hangings, real dead bodies, real bodies with whip marks, horrible, deep, awful marks all over....
they were disturbed. It affected my children.
My innocent children lost a little bit of their innocence today. I took it from them. It wasn't just a story anymore, now they have seen it.
CJ said "Well, it wasn't *us* that did it." and I told him that yes, actually, it was, and it's our job now to make sure that NO PERSON EVER is treated that way again. When we walk away from something that is clearly not okay and let someone be hurt, that is what we are doing to them. We have to take responsibility for the things that have gone on. The holocaust- what the fuck took us so long to get our asses in there? Besides the people who didn't believe it was our job to stick our noses into their business...slippery slope I guess, huh? Who the fuck thought it was okay to buy and sell humans and break up families and treat another human that way?
I think I'm still pissed about being ignored in my dream.
And the weather is bullshit.
I'm going to take a nap and try to forget all the strange fruit hanging from poplar trees now.

Who CARES about the ROYAL WEDDING?

What the hell is WRONG with people? Do they want to watch them have SEX too? Who gives a SHIT about the dress, the inspiration for the dress or anything? YOU SHOULD JUST FEEL SORRY FOR THEM. Nothing but pity for the people who are being stalked by people all over the world, because we are IDIOTS.
How do people watch obsessively and feel okay about it? Leave them the hell alone! "Royalty"? I guess that works if you still believe in the ranking of people. In that case, little non important peons, stalk away.
Or get a life.
Good LORD. Maybe next week I'll be able to watch TV without having to hear about what William SO IMPORTANTLY whispered to his bride, or why the bridesmaids are all children, and why they wear what they wear. WHO GIVES A FUCK? MFN brought up a "good" point- there's a historical aspect to it, but I've changed my mind.
There's more important history in ....the HOMELESS SHELTER. Oh, right, that's not ROYALTY and IMPORTANT! ROYALTY are what's IMPORTANT!!! Not the history that is happening here, not the history that YOU are making, or that *I* am making, but what ROYALTY is making.
Nope.
Stupid.
Sometimes I am downright ashamed of the actions and behaviors of the humans around me. Honestly. Gross.

What I'm up against/How I became a spoiled brat

Really, how am I to compete?
Who wakes up sad from a dream and mutters "I couldn't find you" and the husband who is snuggled up holding her says "I've got you now."

Whose husband comes home from buying a birthday gift for the party today with a mocha, a "dream until your dreams come true" sign, and a some Ipod speakers? Mine does. And do you know what he told CJ when he bought the speakers? He told him that music is very important to his mother and that it makes her happy, and that they should do things that will give her access to music at all times. Isn't that something?

So now I need to go through another box and throw away more stuff to make up for the new thing acquired. YAY!
In doing so, I stumbled through some clothes and I started going through them because CJ needs more 10's now and Jordan is moving into some 5's. I found some 5's that Josh had just worn I swear a few months ago, but it was really years ago, and I burst into tears. This happens to mommy's all over the world, whenever they go through clothes and the fact that we are indeed passing through time hits us all over again. I just not stopped crying. I think I'll go through an easier box instead. Getting rid of size 3 and 4 clothes from Jordan might do me in altogether....

Shaking off the grey

Stupid Minnesota. This weather is going to be the death of me, I tell you. Or else I'll become a secret alcoholic via the bailey's in my coffee every morning. ;)
Speaking of alcoholic, I am so astounded, as usual by the amount of people ....not fair, but true....who think getting drunk is the best thing ever. AND THEN THEY DRIVE. What a crock of shit that is, how dare they threaten their families that way, and threaten the families of others while they are at it? I know someone who sat down and drank NINE BEERS and then left to go get ready to "go out".
Um, hello?
Is there anyone effing HOME???? In that head? In what world is that okay? OURS, PEOPLE! People do that shit ALL THE TIME. "Oh, I only had 3 or 4 beers, it's fine" and they drive home. Stupid idiots. Stupid world. Alcohol being legal is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
So last night I had a horrible dream. I was in an enormous mall (which is a nightmare in and of itself) and Cullen was with me, and then after awhile he wasn't. Different people I know were milling around, distracting me, and I couldn't effing FIND HIM anywhere. Then I'd see another face I knew, who would pay me no attention, thus pissing me off more because I HATE BEING IGNORED. It was horrible. Except for the babies, there were babies there that I got to hold. I woke up pissy.
Sometimes I get the feeling that people ...again, not fair, it's only ONE but certainly more, sometimes wait for me to "realize" that my dreams and the things I wish to and WILL accomplish "aren't realisitic". Cullen corrected me the first time I tried to explain the feeling and I said "She's waiting for me to fall on my face." He said she's too good of a friend to even WANT that for me, so my new version is that I sit here and pick out these things that I really, really wish to do (elephants, RV, homeschool, travel), and they are so *out there* and I'm such a happy go lucky it'll all work out person, that there are some people waiting in the wings for my dreams to quietly die a quick death because they just don't "fit" in the work every day 9-5 feed the family do homework go to baseball go to bed routine. I know at LEAST one person feels that way. It's okay. It really is- it makes me more determined to stay the course and not give up on the things I'm going to make happen. Maybe that's the point of everything? To make my darling friends who shake their head at my gall (ha! And you thought it was gone with my gall bladder!) see that everything IS actually possible when we get out of our own way? I'm not any more special or different than you, or you, or you, or you. We all have stories that can make someone cry. We've all hurt so deeply we were sure no one else has felt it. We've all soared so high that we almost touched heaven. I'm no different. I'm more human than most, probably. There's very little I can judge about anyone. So...there. Get ready. Book #2 will be done "soon" and pretty soon I'm going to have an RV sitting in my driveway and we'll drive to to drop me off to sleep with elephants, and we'll fall off the map as we travel for a year showing our babies the world and letting them play in God's big backyard.
Take THAT.

Loving This Day

This day has been anything but normal. And it's been FANTASTIC!
I put the babies down for a nap, and was finishing up the manuscript, and the door opens. And there in all of her full sobbing, sad glory was MFN.
If there is one thing in the whole world that I am good at and usually never screw up ever, it's ...I don't know, whatever today was. Maybe it's the girl in me or the mom in me, but nurturing is good. Feels good. So I did what any good neighbor would do and got her drunk. NO I DIDN'T. There were some really amazing things that kept happening while she was here, other than the Truman-Style running man who happened to pass by every time she looked outside. But that is her story to tell. It was pretty cool to watch though. I was lucky to have it all unfold infront of me the way it did.
Then we walked to get Julia, had lunch and Kimmy came over. She went to go get us Indian food from a place by Savers that starts with a T and is FREAKING AWESOME. I sent my manuscript out to a place. How many different places do I want to send it to???????D would say self publish and ebook all the way, which I can still do. At least I think I can still do. Let's face it- if you've seen my paint job you know I'm not a details kind of girl. A publisher will be good. Don't you kind of want to stomp on my foot for sounding so blase as if someone is going to actually WANT to publish me? Someone will. I'm not worried. I'm sorry if it's irritating, but the right place will want it and things will be good.
However, I'm not ready to talk about the book in detail yet, I'm sorry. This is definitely one of the times where letting a bunch of people that I don't know read it is easier.
I have a message in my in box from Heidi Who I Broke Up With And Then Invited To My Parents Surprise Party. I wish you'd come hold my hand. I'm scared to read it. Barf. Okay, here goes...WOW. Completely normal and almost sounds like ...nice! :) I should trust people more. HAHAHA that was funny, wasn't it? I get talked to constantly about not being so trusting. BAH HUMBUG!
So there- suddenly the day is almost over and I've had some of my favorite people over all day long. My life rules!!!!!
Now, how many publishers do I send this thing to?

Two totally kick ass things.

1. On the way home, Daydream Believer was on, and it's one of my favorites. Apparently over the years I've sang it so often that all 4 kids now know it, and they sang it at the top of their lungs. Freaking AWESOME.

2. I am about to send off my book. One of them. I have 3 going. This one is done first. Woot! It's the shortest one.

What I keep

The bread is in the oven. I kind of kick ass with it. Seriously. And is there anything better than hand kneading bread?
So I was going through our bedroom because I intend to get rid of our end tables. They are pointless holders of "stuff" that we don't want/need. I looked around our room which is small. It currently has in it our queen sized bed, night stands which I just called end tables (hahahah), dresser, and Death Trap.
What's that, you ask? Oh, I'll tell you.
Somewhere around a year ago we took the bedframe off of our bed because CJ and Josh's bedroom is directly below ours. If they haven't been scarred yet, they would be soon. The wood floors creak horribly just from walking on them, so don't get me started on what the bed sounds like. Then some months back we bought our new bed, and for whatever reason, Cullen figured that that new mattress and box spring warranted using the frame again. I don't know why and I can't pretend to understand the thought process on it so I won't try.
Can you guess what comes up 3 or 4 times a week?
"You HAVE go take the bedframe off again, that's horrible."
After 5 months of me saying that, over and over, he had A Week. It was a very important week, you see. It went like this: Make out with Wife. Prepare for Some Fun. Hear Bed Squeak. Physical Inability To Continue Said Fun Occurs.
HAHAHAH. Are you laughing? Go ahead. I laughed at him. FINALLY he had enough of that and took the bedframe back off. The last time he did it, he put Jordan's bed on it. It didn't make it that far this time. No, the effing thing is leaned up against the wall. Do you have a rambler built in the 50's? If you do, you know that there isn't that much room in the room. Guess who almost kills herself 3 times a night? Me. If I have to pee, if a kid needs me, waking up in the morning, I have to walk very carefully to avoid knocking my head on the legs, kicking a leg or stumbing into it and causing it to fall over and kill us both.
It's been 2 weeks now.
I'm considering hanging some decorations on it and making it an official piece of furniture in our room. :)
Anyway- there are some wedding pics in there, which I love and will keep. There are 2 statues. I've considered getting rid of them before. In fact, I'm sure I've told you about them. They are the kissing statues. *sigh* I love them. Love, love, love them.
The one is just the faces of a man and woman (what bigot made *that*, anyway? haha! What's wrong with a man/man or woman/woman? I'm just kidding. And sad to say that it wouldn't have affected me the same way and I wouldn't have it now if it were different). He's holding her chin and they are about to kiss, their eyes are closed, and it's absolutely lovely. No hair, just beautiful faces, about to feel the magic. Oh, I love it. The other one is just the heads, her longer and straighter than mine hair falling below her, her arm wrapped around his shoulder, and his around her, supporting her, kissing her. They are delicious and beautiful and I will keep them forever and ever and ever. If a natural disaster were to come and wreck everything, I would feel a minor twang over losing them. Then I'd just be thankful that it wasn't something I had to choose to do myself.
Speaking of natural disasters, WOW. That death toll just keep creeping up. I am not as callous as I am about to sound (which is probably always true, I am very sensitive and cry pretty easily), but I still think we need MORE. If we want to rebuild and do things differently, or just remember as a whole country what the f*ck is important, we really need to have it all taken away from us. I bet Republicans wouldn't care so much about Obama's place of birth if the most important thing to them was the fact that their neighbors house is devastated and they have no way to get to their family in another city. Suddenly giving them the couch in the one room left standing is what matters most. Or the democrats would just shut up for 2 seconds about healthcare and do whatever they can to get some food for the toddler who is screaming with hunger. Suddenly we'd be helping eachother, grateful for the little things again, like shelter and warmth, and the good will of one another, food. But of course- we're in AMERCIA, where there would be looting and murder and theft, certainly. Stupid people. But good would prevail because that's how it is and the people doing the other are acting out of fear. There's more love than fear in the world, which is good news. But gosh, how suddenly having the biggest toys wouldn't matter, or going out and getting smashed, or the shoes you just HAD to have. Yes, I'm sorry to say it, and I will be sad when it happens even as glad as I'll be believing we need it, we need it. A big disaster.
I think I failed in my email to Cullen's aunt. We'll see. I'll post it if I can ever get into yahoo again.
Until we're swept off our feets though- I have bread in the oven. YEAH BABY!

The Challenge

First of all- what a gross day. I love you AS, for completely understanding my post and saying what you said. I kind of want to hire an acoustic guitar player to come and play and whisper what you posted to me softly all day. :)

I just made Jordan and I a kick butt ham and cheese omelet. And now we're about to make some home made crusty bread that will go quite nicely with the tomato basil soup I'll be making. Who needs Panera when I have my chef hat on?

Okay, onto The Challenge. And it really, really is a challenge for me, which you already know, so let's look at it. Cullen's aunt has asked if she can send me some stuff that SHE believes. She's Catholic.
*sigh*
My initial response is "no, thank you" because we all have heard me say 20 time here that I DON'T NEED SAVING. I'm very happy that she has a faith that she believes in. And follows. That's lovely, for her. I don't need saving.
Why is she having this discussion with me? I think that's what I need to ask her. Maybe that is exactly what I will ask her.
The challenge is to let people say their piece and not make them "wrong". It isn't what is true for me, but it is true for her. That's okay. Maybe if I stop feeling like she's trying to convince me of something it will be easier to hear. Would I actually read it? OHHH that's the BIGGER challenge. Would I read it and shake my head and have the look on my face that you can imagine? YES. Is that fair? I guess it all depends on ...? I'm just fine where I am. I guess I just need to ask her why she's engaged in this conversation with me. If anything interesting comes out of this, I'll post it.
I'm NOT done growing or learning/remembering. But having religion pushed on me is just more than I'm good at dealing with. And I'm not nearly as ready to deck someone as I was yesterday, for this to feel "fun".
Okay, here goes. Happy dreary ass miserable Thursday.

Dreams

Cullen has a dream.
He's had it for a long time.
It's HIS dream, not mine.
But I can support him.
He supports me.
Which doesn't mean that he DOES anything about whatever "it" is, besides support me.
He wants to restore an old car with my dad.
My dad has done this a couple of time.
It's the funds that get him.
That shit's expensive.
Cullen wants to do it badly before it's "too late".
That means our funds.
Money is just money.
I can manifest more, right? ;)
Car.
RV.
Car.
RV.
I feel like I'm going to lose on getting the RV asap.
That makes me feel like I'm going to lose my mind.
I think it's the weather.
The itch is OVERWHELMING today.
I think I feel stuck.
Sure, I'm "raising" kids.
But I need to be more creative than just that.
Writing helps (you didn't know that, did you.).
But nothing makes it all the way better.
We need ACTION.
I need to do something.
I don't know what it is anymore than anyone else does, but...
here goes.
:)

Come on, put em up...

If I could provoke just the right person right now, I would have so much fun lippin' off and being bitchy...

instead I'll just crab at the kids for putting their finger painting handprints everywhere. I heard Julia whisper "My mom is kinda crabby right now...."

Kinda? You just caught hell for something that isn't that big of a deal in the big scheme of things, and all I get is "kinda"??? I can't win for losing!

And then I found this...

"

What I can do is more powerful than a smile. More intimate than a hug. Even better than lightening your load, I can pray. I can pray for you even though I don’t know your name. I can pray for you even though I don’t know what you are facing.

How you ask? I just simply ask for His grace and mercy to fall on you. He knows every detail. In fact He knows how it is all going to turn out. And better yet, He promises peace; true peace, a peace that passes all understanding.

Lean into to Him today. I am praying right alongside of you.

And for those of us with daily tasks that we just don’t like to do…swallow your frogs and pray for the ones who can’t."

From a blog called Parenthetically Speaking. What, do you suppose, will "his" grace and mercy falling on me feel like? Will I feel sudden relief, because some "God" that is "out there" and seperate from me will hear her, and think "Oh, Shit! I forgot about Nic. Good thing ______ reminded me. Here, I better erase that worry/problem right now. Whew. Close call. Gotta remember to check on her more often." And ___________ gets another check in the "Good" column?

I'm taking that literally, of course. It's the words that trip me up. I send love out all the time. For every mother who's buried a child, every child who has no mother, for the dad who doesn't get to see his children, for the drunk on the corner who wishes for death and doesn't see any other way....for the person content with life, for the grass which is REALLY green today- for the budding leaves (i kiss them. I do. I'm that big of a dork. I kissed my mom's lilac bushes the other day, the new baby leaves unfurling). Is that the same thing???? Nothing can come from the "outside", in any situation. It's all an inside job, do you see? We can both look at the sky and see a different color blue. Describe yours to me, make me see. We can both be facing a future amputation on our right arm. I might fall into a depression while you start learning to write with your left hand immediately. Someone we love might die in a car accident, and mourning may take longer for one of us than the other. Some might even celebrate the occassion, for the person who passed. It's all an inside job. Someone might be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and after consoling the people around them, they might give away every single thing they have to the people who can use it the most and then go skydiving. I don't know--- it's all an inside job, it seems. To me.

I could be wrong. ;) I'll let you know.

"Pray for me"

Can we take a moment to examine this phrase? I find that I have different, opposing feelings on it.

First let's look at the positive, since the positive is always a good thing, right? I fully believe with all of my heart that if you get a group of people together and focus their attention on a particular outcome of some sort, mountains can be moved. I believe this not because I believe God can hear a big group of people and therefore she grants those particular wishes, no. I believe that it happens because Thoughts Become Things and the first step in manifesting anything at all is to be clear about what you are manifesting. That's positive, right?
But, usually there is another person involved. Let's say that someone makes a prayer request. Let's say that CONSCIOUSLY they are hoping for a good outcome for themselves, maybe something like "Please pray that I get the job I applied for". The problem with this is that there are SO many other people involved, not to mention that we all have a higher purpose that we aren't consciously aware of- if we were, there would be NO POINT in being here at all. There's something here we've come to experience, and while we are at choice in the matter, if we remembered EVERYTHING, coming here would be pointless. Then we have the people who are to hire us- they all have their own agendas to fulfill, and to pray for such a thing would prove almost impossible.....we can't affect other people's will. Trust me, I've tried. *eyeroll* It would make much more sense to ask for positive thoughts in that we can deal with whatever the outcome is, if we think that we won't be able to.
What about prayer requests for something like a disease? I happen to believe that if the person who is asking for the prayer request is very specific and it's in order with their higher purpose, healing can occur. How many miracles have there been? "The cancer is gone! Incredible!" How many times has that "miracle" not occurred in that way? How many "miracles" have been "missed" because we wish to see one thing so we miss the other?
If I ever am diagnosed with something "unwanted" and serious, I think I would assume that it's up to me how to handle it, deal with it. It's up to me to show the world grace in the face of fire. If i "win" or "lose", I still win.
But that's me.
Plus, if something happened to one of my precious children, I'd be more likely to beg for prayers/positive thoughts. But I still don't think I'd feel "abandoned" if the outcome wasn't what I would have preferred.
So what's the point in asking for prayers?
I guess they feel hopeful for some people who believe they are seperate from Life, huh? Or maybe I'm focusing too much on the actual words. Prayers are the same thing as sending love, and it's ALWAYS a good thing to send someone loving thoughts. Here, i'll do it for you right now. Whether you felt it or not, they are there, hovering around you.
Anyway, my sister has a thing, and she asked for prayers regarding it. I'm not sure what I'm actually praying for though. If it's "something", it's "something" and I don't think we are going to make it disappear- does that contradict what I just said? Is that my limiting belief that stops me from manifesting DDF right in front of my eyes?
Hm.
Well I am sending her as much love and positive light as I can.
On another note, do men feel the biological urge to have children like women do? Not the SEX part, we all know they feel that, but without having a uterus, do they feel the urge to FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE? How would they, without the uterus? I know not all women feel it, but many more do than don't. And it's a very real life force that tugs. NO, I'm not having it. I'm not only minus a uterus, but I have expressed my creativity in the way of growing children enough times and feel fulfilled. Not to mention that I have 2 babies here to take care of. Do men feel that? Or could they just as well do without? I know that men feel amazed by their children, and I'm certain they feel protective and in awe of them, but do they feel it the way women do? I'll never know, being a woman. I do know there is no feelings as strong as the feeling I have in regards to them. Nothing can break it, nothing can diminish it, and there is nothing in the world that will ever compare to what growing them and birthing them was like. There is not a sight to be seen, a land to be walked, music to be absorbed that can compare. Not skydiving, not meditating, not enjoying the most delicious meal ever. Not the softest kitten, the gentlest breeze, the greenest grass. Nothing compares. It just seems to me that men can take it or leave it (in general, as always), whereas we feel the pulls and are changed for the better (again, in general) in a way that can not be reproduced.
*dreamy sigh*
It's good to be a woman. Even better to be a mother. Can't touch this (insert Hammer music here)!

Oh, the idiocy...

Honest to God - maybe I have my sights set wrong. Maybe I don't want an RV, but I want a space shuttle. I'm pretty tired of being here.
The anti gay marriage thing makes me want to throw up, choke someone and then line up all the idiots and kick them in the nuts, assuming they have them. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. We don't stand a mother effing CHANCE in this land until we stop making everyone who is "different" a big deal. Who the f*ck cares who likes who? And it all stems from religion, which leaked into politics, and the clusterfuck mess will never be straightened out. OVER IT.

I'm also over people who have 50 million pictures of themselves on facebook. Man, people are just shameless, aren't they? How many self made profile pics do you need? Do they need reassurance that they are pretty? Are they wanting someone in particular to see it and comment? I don't understand. I don't understand how their lives are so focused on what they look like that it leaks out into cyber world. Am I being judgmental enough? Stupid idiots!

And I continue to be "over" self righteous ding bats that do NOT actually know everything. Did you know there are people out there who...let's say they are single (as in not married) with no kids. There are people like this who actually are considered "masters"- people who are not judgmental, who are extremely wise in the ways of the world, who are able to carry conversations without being RIGHT. I guess though, that those people are few and far between, because honestly, it must be hard to even begin to guess what life with children and a spouse might be like when you live alone and you are the center of your own universe. But that's the magic, that's how you know that you've found someone worth listening to, someone worth engaging. Looks like I'm ready to clean out more friends. I'm not doing so well letting other people walk their path today. I would if I could, but unless I'm in full out celebration of them and their brilliant ideas and ways, it doesn't work out, and truly- they don't seem to be as aware of the full spectrum of what is possible. Which also makes them narrow minded. DISAPPEAR.

Now, onto what is precious to *me*.
Besides, you, Cullen and the kids, of course.
Adalane, at 7 months, almost 8 months. This kid is a freaking hysterical riot. She makes the biggest, hammiest, cheese! face you've ever seen. Her big brown eyes are the prettiest things...her hair is finally starting to grow in, in a brownish/reddish color, and she has a little colick in the back which is hilarious. She leaves bows and stuff on her head, and she screams and reaches out when she sees her giraffe. She moves and gets around everywhere and is almost crawling. She sleeps on her belly, and wants to feed herself badly. She is content all by herself. She will be able to beat Caiden up.
Caiden- OMG. He's changing so fast. His fauxhawk is long, you can almost see it growing day by day. He was pretty needy even a month ago, but is much better now that he can "play" with toys better- hitting things together, pushing buttons. He's almost 9 months now. He loves to eat, can self feed (not with a spoon, clearly), and laughs at everything. He's such a happy baby. GOD I love them. I'm so blessed to get to help nurture them.

How random is this? Out of a bazillion books in the world, out of the THOUSANDS of books on my nook, I picked out the very same book to read that CJ is reading in school. HA! We're reading the same book! The Giver. It's actually pretty interesting right now, the concept is pretty fascinating. To save you from running off to read it right this second (haha) I'll tell you just a little bit about it. Society is very strict, and "sameness" rules. There are 50 births per year max, and births are celebrated as a society once a year, so no matter when you're born during the year everyone celebrates at the same time. There are birthmothers who are chosen to give birth, and a family unit applies for a child. There are a max of 2 allowed, one boy, one girl. There are rituals that occur at each yearly celebration- One's do a certain thing, Two's do a certain thing, Three's, etc. It stops at age 12. At Eight, you begin volunteering in any area of interest you wish. Everything is logged, and at 12 the elders have picked your area of expertise and your course of training. You are almost an adult at 12, and trained for your life service. Also, everyone is put on some kind of pill to kill sexual urges, so that everything remains very controlled.
The most important person in the entire community is The Receiver, who carries all memories from all time. They have a gift that allows memories to be given to them, relieving whoever the previous Receiver was of the memories. Apparently life is also black and white, the climate is constant, there is no sun, no rain, no snow, because when the next Receiver is chosen and the Giver starts giving him his memories, he sees color for the first time.
Great concept. I'm happy to keep reading it, and I can't wait to see what CJ thinks of the book.
All that just to tell you how funny I thought it was that out of a bazillion books, I picked the one they are reading in his class. Random/There Are No Coincidences.
Okay, off to defriend/hide some folks that have wormed their way into my head and burrowed in in an irritating way. :) Maybe the Simpson Housing Shelter wants my stuff that I'm getting rid of? Maybe someone who gets into some housing would like something to make it feel like home? We're gonna find out!

Night Flights

Where the hell do dreams come from?
Last night I was dreaming that we had to plant our own farm, we couldn't use the equipment. We had to do it all BY HAND. I was so worried that we'd missed a big section, I woke up at 3:45M, wide awake and worried about it. I was up til almost FIVE. Suckass.
Then I fell asleep and dreamt about an odd Elvis/Ozzy mix. It looked like Ozzy but was easier to understand and we called him Elvis. I was riding in the back of the car with him, we were discussing kid's clothing and how I'd never had to buy any out of necessity. Then I woke up. When the blasted alarm clock went off and almost killed me. (I wrote kissed first, ha!)
Me being awake made Cullen be awake. But he rocks and bought me a monster java and I'm happily drinking it. I will survive today.
Then I learned my lesson. He left the house this morning and I went out to that room and saw that 2 of the overfull boxes of stuff we're getting rid of were still sitting there. I'd asked him to take them out for me, if I could have I would have already. I muttered meanly under my breath about it. "Thanks for taking out the boxes...and fixing the hinge on the shoe box, and getting the jeep done..." and bam. The door opened and in came my darling husband who took out two overfull boxes for me. Universe, I am so sorry that I was being a brat. I know better than that. Thank you for muscley husband.
Okay, must go drink more monster. Let's see what else I can throw away today. :)

Santta is dead. So is the easter bunny and the tooth fairy.

Cullen killed them!
I'm so proud!
Is that a funny thing to be proud of someone for?
It was the day before Easter and I was getting pummelled with smart questions from my brilliant kids, and I'd had enough. I said to Cullen "It feels worse lying to them about what they are obviously having to convince themselves of anyway than the thought of telling them. I'm going to tell them. Soon."

He came in while MFN and I were hanging on the couch laughing at a funny and said "I told them." This horrifies EVERYONE we know. My inlaws, my sister...My Allyssa is in complete support, but other than Cullen, I haven't heard one person support it. :)

Just CJ and Josh know. And do you know what? They are appreciative. Now they feel like they know a secret and they are excited to partake in making magic for their brother and sister, and others. And they both said "Yeah, that makes more sense!" when they learned THE TRUTH.
I'm so thankful and proud that Cullen wasn't scared to do it. And their little lives have been threatened. They have strict instructions to say "YES" if asked by anyone EVER if they believe. They only like horrifiying the adults around them with the knowledge that their parents DARED to be honest and not keep up some silly facade that makes no real sense. The magic isn't dead- now it gets to start in a whole new, much better way!

YIPPEE!

Mommy Hell?

I just totally took a full box of kids stuff. Pictures, writing, binders made in school full of more "stuff", and I threw it out.
It hurt a little bit.
But COME ON. Come over, right now and you'll see my dining room wall full from top to almost bottom with precious pictures. That doesn't count the 7 boxes full of their stuff. I can't really save it ALL. It sucks.
But that's now 9 boxes of stuff that has been gone through. I'd have a really great garage sale if it wasn't so much work.
There's only a couple more boxes to be gone through (other than the kids' school stuff, which is going to get gone through too) and I can start doing closets. The awesome thing is that there's not really much in those either because I apparently have gotten pretty good at not keeping shit.
I'm also seriously considering getting rid of our nightstands. The shit in there has been sitting there, so I'm going to go through them, do the right thing with whatever is in there, and move them out of the room. Poor Cullen. hahahahah I'll have his ass in our new "home" (read: RV) in no time! And here he thought he wanted me to do this...

Minimalizing, part 7

Because I can't figure out how to scratch my itch, I'm going through our storage again. Mind you, I'm happy to say that it's already been "gone through". We keep very little "stuff". The stuff we have are boxes of Christmas decorations, boxes of fall decorations- I love them and don't feel guilty for keeping them at all. I have a husband and 4 kids and friends and family that I love, and it's very fun making my house homey for them. My spring downfall is fake flowers. :) I don't feel bad keeping them either.
I have just gone through another 5 boxes. My yearbooks are in the garbage because I just don't care. Who cares? God, we're all so wasteful. I didn't throw Cullen's yet because I don't have his okay. The kid stuff is harder to go through. Old report cards...I threw em. Every year it's new and different, right? Mom gave me a pile of my old stuff- I can't decide if I should let it go or keep it for my kids, grandkids...they won't care either, right? They would get "me"...almost all of me, if they ever read this blog. Someday, before I die, I should take up bloggers offer to make this shit in print. Okay, that helped. I can get rid of all that stuff. So pictures, precious pictures they have drawn, in the garbage. I'm so sorry, kids. I'm sorry, Universe. There are thousands- literally- of pictures. I have 4 kids. Everything comes home with them from school, it's nuts. Anyway- this feels good. I have to keep real photos, of course, Cullen's baseball card collection...but I'm getting rid of some really good stuff. I just don't think a garage sale is worth it, so it'll just go to Savers. Go Team Keep Nothing! Think how nice it will be when we go live in our RV some day... ;)

Growing kids up

I know I probably sound cynical sometimes, and I kinda am- that's your warning that here comes another one.
Kid's shows SUCK ASS. Who the hell comes up with this stuff? They are situations that aren't real. Or, if they are...like say in Arthur, the fact that animals are talking is stupid, and they actually teach things that my kids don't even DO, like Arthur being an asshole to his sister, or them being mean to someone in school.
Right now the Fresh Beats are on- another stupid ass show.
I know, I can turn it off. They get to watch this right now, and when breakfast is over it goes off. They normally don't watch it again for the rest of the day. Today, they might, over nap time. We'll see. It's raining and shitty out.
We start off feeding babies healthy food. Well, as healthy as it can be. Then we get excited when they can eat table foods, and before you know it, they "dislike" vegetables because we have undone all our hard work and we've given them all the shit that we eat. Pile in the preservatives and artifical colors and meat that's been dead for far too long, carb city. I do it too. I'm hyper aware of it (you might have noticed) and I shovel vegetables and tofu and other horrible things into them way more often than they'd like, but gosh.
We wonder why american kids are obese- or american adults? Or why we have such high instances of heart disesase and cancer and all the other shit? Look what we put in. Gross.
I'll stop now. The heater just kicked on. Awesome.
So, I look like I'm here, but actually I am not. The whole family and i are in another country, helping rebuild after some natural disaster, eating much better than we eat here, and they learn by doing and by homeschooling, and we are just as happy as you please. Cullen said we can't up and move to Sri Lanka. I tried.
Cullen brought me a large coffee. Bring it on.
Did you hear the sirens last night? So many sirens. Made me cry, right then and there.
Happy Tuesday!
Love,
In search of a new attitude.

New Plan

Okay, so a walk tonight would still be awesome but Cullen's not home yet, and my motivation is slowly falling away.
So, instead, why don't I semi plan on running, and if that doesn't work out, we'll all pile on the couch in say...1.5 hours with blankets and jammies, and if it's a really good night, we'll give ole OC something else to be embarrassed about. Sound good?
Ha.
*drags ass off couch to go for a walk*

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE STOP ME?

Clearly I am not safe when I'm bored. I'm not even BORED. I'm not safe when I'm itchy? And yes, I know there's shampoo for that. ;)
NOW look what you've let me do (Where DOES CJ get that passing off responsibility thing from??). I threw myself into planning the thing, and in doing so started sending out save the dates. (i'm terribly effective, I'm afraid). Remember Heidi? I broke up with her a million years ago. She grew up with me. She was one of us kids, to my parents. Yes, I invited her. Her whole stinkin family. And this wouldn't be a problem if I could predict what she'll do with it. I asked that if they didn't come, if they would consider writing a note to my parents- we'll ask everyone to. There are some really funny and touching memories out there. 40 years is practically a miracle these days. We'll see what she does with it. I SUCK! I swear that my impulsiveness is out to freakin get me. Let's hope I don't stumble upon anyone else that I shouldn't or would rather not be in contact with today, shall we? OR we could go for #3...what else should I stir up? Gee, that didn't take me long to cause more trouble. Look at you, just sitting there reading this. Couldn't you tell I went away and found more trouble? I'm just going to walk away from this whole thing right now and go scrub the toilet. That way if there's shit to be stirred, I can just flush it instead.

Blech

Sometimes I like being the lazy girl and letting other people take the lead. Sometimes I get tired of feeling like I have to drive every ship.
Mom and dad's 40th anniversary is coming up in November.
It's Party Time.
We usually go to Arkansas right then too. If Rose and fam are coming to town for that, then does it make sense for us to go there for Thanksgiving?
I have to decide.
And we need to send out invitations. And find a place. It's so freaking EXPENSIVE everywhere- except for Woodlake Nature Center, but because this is one hell of an alcoholic nation we live in, we certainly will pay MUCH more money to go somewhere else, somewhere that drinks are allowed at. I'm tired and don't know what to do or where to do it or how much to ask Michelle and Rose to pay.
Guess what! That doesn't matter. It's time to get this shit going. Blech.
And CJ needs his eyes checked. Still. Mommy of the Year!
Cullen snipped at me about not wanting to get my hair cut. It was almost funny.. he said "So you think that just putting a few highlights in your hair cured your itch? It didn't. I know better. You need to do something else SOON before all hell breaks loose." HAHAHAHA. Right.
Chuckie, Julia, Samantha, Payten and Jordan are all smushed together on the couch and they are completely adorable.
Looking at houses doesn't help because I don't want to buy a house. We need a new van. I need a RV. Maybe I need to swing from a trapzee? Maybe flying through the air would scare me and make me FEEL something on the inside. Barnicles. If anyone knows what will cure what ails me every now and then please let me know. Maybe I need to make a gourmet dinner for someone and bring it. A bottle of wine, homemade bread and Cullen's kick ass speghetti? That sounds nice. I DON'T EFFING KNOW. Life would be much easier if I knew. Where's Bono to sing my life's theme song? "She still hasn't found, what she's looking for..." Just so you know, if it was true and I got to carry around a little music thing with me, that played music for my every emotion and day, you'd sadly and probably disgustedly find that 99% of it is 80's/early 90's. Interlaced with that, of course, is my 40's music, because I was born in the wrong decade.
Go ahead and laugh and roll your eyes.
DDF likes it. He dances with me. :)
Is it a wonder that I'm not locked up somewhere???

Best Question Of The Day EVER!

Here it is: WHAT IF THERE IS NO GOD?

Isn't that AWESOME? Do you know why it's awesome? It's awesome because it doesn't MATTER! Nothing changes! If there is no God, nothing changes. We remain responsible for ourselves. Well, I guess some religions teach that GOD is at fault for everything. That's not a fun place to live in (for me)...so if we ARE God...or if there is NO God (same thing!!!)..the responsibility comes to US. WE are in charge of OURSELVES! It's brilliant. I guess the only difference is in regards to what happens after we leave our bodies. If there is no God, it might feel like death is THE END. Which I don't think it is. I think everyone finds that out promptly after leaving their body, they realize they are still having thoughts, and we become "self-conscious" or self aware...like "Hey...if I'm looking at what was my body, but I don't even care that that was my body, and I can still hear myself...something is going on..."
I could be wrong. :) It's hard to hate the crazy bitch when she refuses to say she's right (about EVERYTHING), isn't it?
Anyway, I loved that question. It's okay if there's no God. Nothing really changes, in fact it's probably good for people to consider that. How differently would people act if everyone assumed there was no one else "in charge" except for themselves? Would they stop putting shit off? Would they act any differently? Would they hate the world more, or forgive everyone easier? Would they help support other people, since we're all "on our own" or would it make "every man for himself" worse?
I DON'T THINK ANYTHING WOULD BE DIFFERENT.
I love that! I love that so much I have no words for it. Because it all comes back to the same thing: We're all one, we're all together, and what we've got is each other.

Who can deny a life force though? There's something there...I know you've touched someone before, or been touched, and felt it. Such a jolt that you're pretty sure you can't touch or be touched ENOUGH, and maybe you've imagined melting right into someone else completely, because it seems like that's the only way to FEEL IT enough. There's *something* out there, in here, everywhere.

Today I have Payten and Caiden. What a kick ass Monday. Sunny, heavenly, perfect. LOVE!

I wonder...

Okay, I need to figure this out. For the past few weeks, OC hasn't come over to pay me- he has had his WIFE do it, which is pretty weird since she doesn't even like me and normally leaves that to him. I wondered if he was mad because I was YELLING about "that house" one day when Julia came home screaming, her hands full of blood...having gone by both OC and M on her way, and no one stopped to find out what happened or if she was okay. I was DONE. OVER IT. Chuckie lied to his parents about what happened, because he was scared he'd be in trouble (he hurt her on purpose but did not mean to make her bleed like that). OVER IT. So I wondered....
But Cullen's been over there helping him, talking to him, and OC usually just says whatever is on his mind. He doesn't hold back. Right, MFN? He doesn't, I don't think.
Then- to my horror- I wondered if he maybe saw something. Would he be embarrassed if he'd seen something one night...like say if we got a little carried away in the livingroom? They have a pretty clear shot into our livingroom, and I don't know what it's like at night--- if it's even more clear or not...but if he were embarrassed would that keep him from coming over here? THAT idea is what keeps me from going over there to find out what his problem is. Part of me wants him to have a problem with me yelling about "THAT HOUSE!" so I can lay into him. Cullen's waiting for it too, but it isn't coming. And furthermore, if he saw anything, wouldn't he have just ignored us and went in, turned around from the window, whatever? I KNOW he's had sex before, so...what? But that's a slightly more embarrassing option and at this rate, the longer I don't hear from him or see him, the more I'm pretty sure that that has to be it. He has asked me on numerous occassions "So what was that spat with the kids about?" or " Who did what to whom?" so I really think if he DID hear me yelling that day, he would just come find out what happened (Julia got what she deserved is what happened) (But come on, if a kid is screaming and bleeding thoroughly from her face, HELP HER. They were standing in the DRIVEWAY!).
Yes, I think I've said the same thing 3 different times already, but it's starting to creep me out when MB shows up with money to pay me. She defaults to Chuck for anything that has to do with me watching the kids.
SO WEIRD.
*note to self*...um.... get some effing blinds. (don't hold your breath though, parting with money for blinds feels worthless and like we'll own one more "unnecessary" item. )...let's try again.... note to self...keep it on the ground and down low or...something. He couldn't have seen. Could he?!
Ick. Need to end this.

The longest ever goodbye

When we got to Cullen's parents house yesterday, it wasn't good, right from the beginning. What was good was that the windows were open and there were bouquets of fresh flowers everywhere- this is very Jane. Very Jane In The Spring. I love spring at their house, it's so good. The food smelled good. No one else was there just yet. And Mike and Jane were no where to be found.
This usually means that Jane is in bed.
And if she needs help it means that it isn't a good day for her. And it wasn't.
It's very easy and clear to me, sitting from here, to say that they should have given her some water pills IMMEDIATELY, and probably a catheter too, since she didn't feel well enough to even be awake and she can't walk by herself anymore. But what do I know.
It was a good day there, with family around. But when I went in to say hi and bye to Janie before we left for my parents house, it hits all over again. She's swollen everywhere (GIVE HER SOME WATER PILLS!!!) ...her stomach is very, very distended (WATER PILLS NEEDED!!!!)...and she was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. The night before she had been hallucinating- she thought she was the pope. ;) She says she didn't have ANY water pills yesterday (this is likely, she hates them. She should have 3 a day but only takes one) (And this is what happens when she doesn't take any, but Mike will tell you differently).
And in the end, it doesn't really matter. Go ahead and stop giving her water pills. But it's painful to her. How long will she be here if she takes 3 a day? How good will she feel?
When we left there I felt mad and sad and resigned. Happy Easter!
It always feels good to go home (my parents), but it was hard to shake the sad feeling of seeing her like that. And she asked for the weirdest thing...a little thing to go on her nightstand to put all her shit in, something with drawers that's easy to reach. Was she feeling self conscious? I have no idea. I opened the window for her.
I made coffee this morning. I don't have anything for creamer but Baileys. :) DDF said "So?" then he thought about the fact that a half a wine cooler almost rendered me unable to drive yesterday. Now he purrs "Go on, then." ha!
And whatever DDF says...goes. :)

I love today because:

1. it's a perfectly lazy day, full of little indulgences like curling up with my nook while the kids all read also.
2. we're coloring easter eggs and despite my overall distaste for the holiday, I'm having flasbacks of doing this at home with my mom and dad and getting to be creative,which I love. It probably helps that only 2 kids at a time are doing it, and that's much more manageable.
3. Serving tea and starbursts to the kids is fun.
4. I didn't have to keep track of 4 kids getting ready for school today. LOVE.
5. I straightened my hair today. I don't like it like this, but Julia likes to brush it. That, I love!
6. We are bringing pizza to mom's tonight for dinner, along with the turkey and eggs for Easter. That's 2 nights in a row of no cooking for me. YAY!
7. Tomorrow is Lyla's birthday and we'll have pizza---again, which also means another night of no cooking for ME! :)
8. The kids have eaten what I've made without complaining, which is just awesome. They ate vegetarian for over a week. Go babies!
9. My cyst hurts but I can just go curl up on the couch with my nook again in a minute.
10. I get the convenience of the nook, but I still like real books better.
11. Doing laundry on a cloudy, chilly, drizzly day somehow seems comforting. Is it the smell of fresh, warm clothes? The fact that it's done and it's not even the "real" weekend yet? Don't know, but like it.
12. Josh is waiting patiently for me to run out of "good" things about today. :)
13. He doesn't know I've got a zillion of them.
14. The cadbury mini eggs that Adalane/Joyce gave me for Easter.
Fine. Here Josh. Sheesh. Mario is snoring. Get him up.

I suppose I should have seen this coming...

So, for your enjoyment, we'll do this through DDF, because that way you'll feel like you got to put me in my place a little bit, through him. And he never fails, don't worry.

DDF: HAH! Yeah, go on, tell them what you're "pondering". What happened? What did you cause now?
Me: Now look, you've got us stuck in caps. Right. I didn't thoroughly consider my actions yesterday, or the avenue that I used to do it. FFB. Which stands for Fucking Facebook if you didn't know.
DDF: Oh, go on...
Me: And now I have a friend request sitting there.
DDF: We can't call you names unless you share all those *lovely* thoughts in your head though, so spill it.
Me: I don't want to be friends with him.
DDF: Then don't. Ah, but if you were only that simple...
Me: I would completely conquer IT then, the big horrible IT that was my life from 16-19.
DDF: And someday if Cullen looks and sees JB is one of your friends, he says *what*?
Me: that's the irritating part, truly. BUT how stupid would I sound saying "I didn't really want to be his friend, but I accepted his request anyway."
DDF: It's clear as fucking day. Just don't friend him. AND since I know you so well, I'll just finish this off for you really quickly too- don't feel bad about it. Don't think twice about it.

Isn't that lovely? I have the most rational voice in my head, but his rationale only really applies to ME. Not to HIM. But whatever, right? So I will just go hit NOT NOW on that request, and try really hard not to feel bad. It's not like I matter that much to him anyway. Surely he wasn't as affected by the whole horribly disgusting mess as I was, right? I'm the emotional girl?
I want to throw up. And I KNOW, DDF: It's not That Big of a deal. TO YOU. And it's only as big as I'm making it, right? Hit ignore and run. Done.

It worked.

HA!
I think I manifested DDF last night. I vaguely remember coming home from Cullen's mom's house with 3 kids, Cullen had the other one. I tried calling Cullen to see if they were in a car accident (there were sirens and he ALWAYS beats me home) or if he went to the gas station. No answer. I put the phone down.
I was wiped out by time the Twin's got done winning and laid down and fell asleep. Yes. 9pm. I got tucked into bed at 9:30pm. I was up from about 2:30am-3:00am with a little shit who couldn't find his green blankie and really wanted to sleep in my bed. I said no and tucked him back into his own 4 times or so.
I woke up at 8am this morning- which qualifies as sleeping IN! There are no babies here today and the kids are home from school.
I couldn't find my phone anywhere.
Jordan found it. By the toybox. I'm pretty sure that DDF came by while I was sleeping and thought it'd be perfectly funny to hide it.
He knows my husband too well. "By the toy box? How'd it get there? Were you on it late last night when you were out of bed?"
Yes, I called DDF because I felt the need for a slight berating at 3am. I snipped at him about that, OF COURSE. I told him that was insulting, all around. Who would I be talking to at 3am?
So he got me this time.
Josh is asking me right this second if I believe in the Easter Bunny. I don't believe in crushing dreams in the moment. He'll have to wait til this fall until I kill this stupid ass myth for him. He can still participate and help make it fun for the little kids, but the EASTER BUNNY? Give me a fucking break. So stupid. I have a date in June to talk about Santa, btw. And no, my kids won't wreck it for anyone else, because they will also be told all about "The Secret". Plus, just wait. You'll be defending Santa's realness in no time with no help from the Hayes children. Kids talk. They learn all sorts of "cool" shit in school. *eyeroll* Only us humans would insist on lying to our kids about ridiculous things (they would have just as much fun if they knew the truth, they still get a ton of shit on holidays), and then berate those of us who choose honesty. Silly!
I dragged my babies out to get coffee this morning. Then I got a DECAF mocha. Go me. :) That's better, right? HA! I'll ingest 500 calories but NOT be jacked up on caffeine. Somehow I win?
Happy Friday! It's rainy and makes me want to go to bed. I don't want to do easter eggs but I have to because Cullen did the stupid pumpkins for Halloween. What PLANET am I from????? Clearly one that doesn't cause me to lose $100 every time a stupid ass holiday comes around. HAH! I stand by it- they'd have just as much fun without all the lying and bs we feed them.
But I'm just me, and we all know-I'm CRAZY.

Matchbox 20 - Long Day (with lyrics)

Freedom is saying I'm Sorry

Are you good at saying I'm sorry?
It's not always easy to do it. In fact, sometimes it's really scary. It makes us vulnerable in a way: whoever we said sorry to now has the opportunity to step on us. Not accept it, and launch into how horrible we are for whatever we said sorry for in the first place. Then there are the people out there who really just don't think they ever do anything to say sorry for.
I think that I'm okay with saying sorry. Sometimes it comes far too late (JLA you come to mind), and I'm sure there are people I should say sorry to that I haven't even considered- and let it be known to the Universe, that I am sorry to anyone I hurt unintentionally. And even more sorry to the people I hurt on purpose.
There were 3 people in particular, from "back then" that it seemed to me I should apologize to. One was a boy that I dated for al ittle while. Again, I was already a wreck when I started dating him, and he was perfectly sweet. There was no attraction there on my part, but he was so nice when I was used to dealing with such jackasses. I was no where near being done being a complete teenage idiot girl at that time, and I ended it with him. I don't think he was crushed or anything, but at the same time, I felt bad for what could have happened. Is that the dumbest thing in the whole world? To top it off, I barely remember anything because most of my focus was on trying to get the hell out of my body by making it disappear. I said I was sorry to him. I admitted that it probably seemed silly that I was apologizing, but that I wanted to anyway. He accepted. That was awhile ago.
There's a big one I need to do. This was a girlfriend. She was my best friend. What wasn't fair was that she didn't know me at all. She knew I was eating disordered but she didn't know anything else- she didn't know about any of the boys, she didn't know anything, and in the end, I was horrible to her. I was the FUN ONE and one of the boys that she liked liked me instead, and I let him. I apologized to her then, I apologized to her later. I really am sorry. Really, really sorry. I don't know if it's worth apologizing to her again now, years later. She is married with kids now also, so maybe she's older now too and can see things a little differently? I don't need her to like me, I just want her to understand that *I* understand what a horrible friend I was. And that I'm sorry.
The one I did today might be the biggest though. I looked my biggest fear ...well, one of them , in the face, and I apologized. If you look at the time frame that I was entangled in this mess, a lot of it would look like I had nothing to apologize for, and that in fact *he* was at fault for so much. And he was, absolutely. BUT- I was a mess when we started, and this thing had disaster written all over it from the beginning. Here's the thing- my life is awesome. I conquered an eating disorder, I conquered an abusive relationship, I DID NOT kill myself over any of it, and I went on to find out that I am indeed just as awesome as I knew I was on the inside. The very prince that I wrote about showed up. And I AM worthy. PHOENIX! I rose from the destruction, even if it was my own doing- to shine. I do not require an apology from him. I understand why he was the way he was/is(?), and I'm only sorry that I was such a mess that I was worthless to him. I only caused more issues instead of being of help. I've been afraid of him for years and years. I've "forgiven" him in my head over and over. Sometimes, something "little" happens and I have a reaction from back then. That's insane. But anyway--- I did it. I apologized.

Hey Nicki. No need to apologize for anything. I wasn't without fault myself. What can we say we were young. I don't regret anything and I hope you don't either. I'm glad you were able to get threw it and find happiness, I hear you have a beautiful family. By the way whoever told you I was grown up is a LIAR! Hahaha! Take care. JB


There. All done. I don't want anything. I don't want or need to be friends. I don't want or need to know what's gone on with him more than I already know (divorced...no kids). I didn't actually need him to respond either, but he did. And now, just maybe maybe maybe, when those moments sneak up where for whatever reason I'm reminded of something from that time, maybe I won't feel like throwing up.

*washing hands clean*

And DDF: i don't even want to hear about it. I won't be seeing him out and about, I won't be talking to him, and I still feel just a little bit like puking right now. You don't have to high five me for doing it, but I'll high five myself. But thanks anyway, since this isn't something I can talk to Cullen about.

What *AM* I!

Besides horribly overly sensitive today. Of my own doing, by putting myself so far out there and having no real way of protecting myself from the hurt and rejection that can come. But I'm trying.
So now I'm hoovering in this highly sensitive state and every little thing that people say hurt me.
As you know, "they" are still trying to "save" me, so I had to get a little more firm about the fact that I DON'T NEED SAVING. LEAVE ME ALONE. Then my older sister said I'm crazy again. She says it all the time. I know- *I* say it all the time...but I say it in order to save you from having to call me names. If I just go ahead and take the dive, we'll all be on the same page and it's fine. Plus, I can get away with more.
But it is harder to take from certain people. She's one of them. She's the beautiful one, and I mean it- she's stunning. Chronically 25 looking, and she's always put together perfectly, and she's a sweet southern belle. She's my polar opposite. She's also hugely Christian and it's very good to her and for her but the whole thing about me being crazy and doing what actual Christians wouldn't think twice about doing...and calling me crazy for some of it ....well.....it gets me sometimes. I don't believe in hell. Hitler is in heaven. Debate me on it if you want to. I have found a way to "forgive" him. I can see how he's in heaven. I understand. Isn't that what religions preach? But they make it "okay" by providing a place for the "unforgiveables"- hell. We can forgive because we believe they'll "get theirs" someday anyway. That's not real forgiveness. I love you so much that I'll do anything and I mean it. I'll do whatever I can, however I can. And while most everyone around me thinks I'm stupid for not buying salt or butter and not drinking creamer...BITE ME. I'm better for it, and so are my kids and husband. You can't get around the fact that when that big can of creamer is gone it's because your body has processed all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. I don't care what anyone else does. I slather the butter on when we're out eating and I MAKE OUT with it. I don't care. And I know, I know, I KNOW- I put myself out there. I stand naked and let people judge me. That's what you get here, all the time. Naked Nicki. And no one is trying to hurt my feelings. They just seperate themselves from me by saying that I am crazy so they don't have to look at any of the things they say and do, they don't have to go ALL THE WAY in the ways that make them uncomfortable. It's okay.

See? HIGHLY SENSITIVE. And it's my OWN DOING.
I should start to get ready for all the possible outcomes of the Big Nicki Dangling I did, the really scary, spontaneous, STUPID one.
Absolutely NOTHING (that I'll see) might happen. Regardless of what I see, I know that things will "happen", but I might not see or hear about it. That's okay. I could be happiest with that. How's that for an ostrich?
May 12th is a donor event put on by the U. There was another chain that happened right after ours, a smaller one. It's at the Radisson on Washington and I do NOT have to speak at it. YAY! I can just go and have fun, and celebrate. Plus it's really awesome to hang with other "crazy" people now and then.
Oh yeah, back to the possibilities.
I could get a positive response back. I don't know what it looks like, and I am not really looking for that, but that would be better than...
getting kicked in the face. And that probably won't happen, but could.
Know what's funny/a tad insane? DDF was in my head, before I let loose on my little spontaneous adventure. I might be worse than DDF in that sense. He was being perfectly rational and bashing me for being an idiot. And I quote "Why would do even do that? Who cares? You don't care. You're just going to freak out about it later and it'll be your own fault." See? See how smart he is? And I said to DDF in no uncertain terms, "This is not about ME. I will freak out. It will be my fault. We have no idea how I've affected things thus far, and this little doing of mine is only meant to cause good for the other. If you had the power to cause good for another who might really need it, wouldn't you do it?" He rolled his eyes at me.Because he LOVES ME ANYWAY and was very thankful that he gets to come and go as he pleases so he doesn't have to deal with me full time.
Yup, certifiable.

Hold me! NOW!

My *need* to DO SOMETHING comes out in ways that I don't anticipate. Let's all scream in my honor, for the one millionth, eight hundred thirty fouth, nine hundread and eighteenth time this:
GODDAMN ME AND MY SPONTANEOUSNESS.

And I'd like to take a special moment to thank those of you who get exposed to my weakness and spontaneousness on occassion, for taking it so well and forgiving me for how I am. It's nice to have "safe" places to fall. You take it well. *trying to manifest DDF right now*

I just ....UGH. I'll tell you later. Maybe.

Good Morning!

In case you wondered...and you know you did, I could not care one iota LESS about William and Kate's wedding.
I'm horribly embarrassed for us as a freaking world that that is what we put our attention on. What dress, what shoes, where the bouquet will go...and this crap is leaking in when I'm trying to keep it out. I want to throw up over the coins and what a spectacle we make this. We're pathetic. I shouldn't be so harsh, I have friends and family who THRIVE on this stuff. I just plain don't understand it. There's a shock. (Wrong planet, Nic.)
And because I know you're also desperately wondering if I found an outlet for my "energy", I'm trying. I ran last night and made it look like the sun came down and kissed my head last night, but not only did it not help, I don't even like it. I think I am unsatisfiable right now, pretty much, when it comes to getting whatever this thing is out of me. I can't make it go away with outside stuff, it's an inside job and I have to DO SOMETHING to get it out. Today during downtimes I am going to find something TO DO that will help this horrible itch.
Nails are finally chipping. Now I have to find time to sit down and take the polish off. I do have beautiful hands though, I really do. They might be the best thing about me. I'm not just saying that, I have more people comment on my hands, they are long and feminine and when my nails are painted they are even better. I just don't have time for that crap, that's all. And SMH can bite me.
I need to figure out how much protein my babies need per day and how much is "okay" for me with one kidney. Mind you, there is NOTHING out there, nothing at all that says I need to care about anything I eat. Not at ALL. The thing is that I am rather grossed out by meat as it is. We've had lovely vegetarian meals for over a week now for dinner. The new rule is that on Friday's the kids can pick a meal they want and we'll have that. They drink milk, eat peanut butter, tofu and have lunch meat in their lunches every day. I know for a fact that in general, as American's, we eat too much protein, so we're all probably okay. Protein is hard on the kidneys when you eat too much of it, and it's not a problem for me to not eat so much of it. I just want to make sure that we are all getting enough. I know Cullen is because he's the protein shake king with all his running. Note to self: check it out.
I have to go Easter shopping. *SIGH* It hurts, seriously. Maybe we'll make baskets of clothes for them instead of candy crap. UGH. Makes me want to throw up. Stupid holiday. Lying to our kids is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
Okay, that's all. For now. Enjoy the sun!

Drop Dead Fred

That is one of my all time favorite movies EVER. I don't know why but it really, really reasonates with me. I didn't have a make believe (or not) friend growing up, but I am in love with Fred.
In fact, I DO talk to DDF in my head all the time, I guess. When I want an opinion and I need it to come from someone more rational than yours truly, I pretend I'm talking to the most most rational thinking person I know (Okay, so DDF isn't exactly rational, but whatever), and I ask the question, and I get back a completely brilliant response.
I'm so awesome.
And insane.
And, you have to admit, a little bit funny too.
Now, if only I could SEE DDF when I was talking to him in my head, that would be the best EVER! I'll have to work on my manifesting. The rules go like this: I can't make someone do something they don't want to, no matter HOW much I want them to do whatever it is...because they get a say in the whole deal too. I wonder if that applies to the people that live in my imagination, such as DDF? Do imaginary people get a say in things too?
That must have been some killer tea I just drank. Maybe if I drink enough I'll see DDF?

What WOULD rock is if I manifested that movie to be on tv tonight. THEN we'd know I was a SUPER STAR!

More Nicki Vomit

1. I let my brother in law, who i KNOW loves me, irritate me again. He called to ask how Sunday night went. He asked if I got my hair done. This is a big thing for him- when a girl goes out of her way to "look good". I said NO, I didn't. I got my nails done. And I didn't wear a dress. He said that maybe someday we'll get me to act like a woman. I think I said "fuck off" somewhere in there. He really liked it when his girlfriend told him she was getting her hair colored so she'd be pretty for him when he came home. I want to kick him in the balls. He completely misses the point of ..well...anything to do with this. Plus, I was plenty cute that night.

2. I'm making tofu for dinner.
3. I'm craving Panera's tomato basil soup with bread. YUM.
4. I LOVE YOU JLA!
5. Don't you wonder about blogs? I'm only here because I die if I don't get this shit out. I know people who have the most wonderful things in their head, and they stay there in their head. Not that this stuff is "wonderful", it's just nicki puke, but I...could probably make me some money if I learned that little trick. I wouldn't tell anyone I knew how to keep it all in, and I'd offer to shut up for a nominal fee. BAM! Elephants, here I come!
6. Sleeping babies make me want 15 more kids. SIGH. I have the option to take another newborn this fall but I don't think I want 2 newbies and 2 one year olds. I think I want to be able to think, and not get a quads stroller, which I might need anyway now that I think about it.
7. I did too run last night, jackholes!
8. There were a pair of girl undies on the sidewalk at school. Awesome.
9. Some 6th grader got arrested. I know nothing but I hope they kick his ass. Is this to be blamed on his parents or is it still on him? At what point do the parents stop being fully responsible for the shit their kid does???? Remember that article about the Columbine Momma? Poor Momma....poor Daddy...
10. All the stir fry I ate last night is making me a very smelly beast today.
11. Laneykins has never had the same outfit on twice since she's been coming here.
12. Julia's school pics are ADORABLE. She looks just like my niece Kalene, it's almost spooky. And Kalene looks just like Cullen's mom.
13. Neighbor kids are here today! YAY!
14. And now it's time to play! I get paid to play, my life rocks!

Kids

First of all, I'm pretty sure that at some point in another time and life Josh and I were together. Yes, together. He LOVES my cleavage, for one thing, but I've noticed him loving it on other people too. Kimmy's always got the girls on display, and he likes it. But there have been times in his life where he is clearly in love with me. And he says things like "I'm so glad I picked you", even when he was only 3 years old. Or "Here we are again." and I'm like "What? Where?" and he smiles and says "Here."
Last night he got me again. He was ...God, it was so good. He was telling me about what they are doing in math, we were all sitting at the breakfast nook together eating stir fry. They are in the middle of graphing out their dream house. He's always insisted that you look at him when he's talking, this is probably because there are 4 kids and God Knows that undivided attention is sometimes hard to catch. So he made sure that we had eye contact, and he's telling me in a normal voice "I put in a bowling alley, and a skylight,"...now his voice trails off a little, and he's very, very staring into my eyes, "and a game.....room," he sighs a little, his voice is quiet, still starting at me, his head tilts a little bit, "and you'll really like it.." and then there was nothing, just staring. So I did what anyone would do and I leaned over to smooch him all over his face.
Love him.
Anyway, MFN likes to say that my kids are the goldstandard for kids, even though they too have been *gasp* found to be acting just like kids. :)
I happen to believe that my kids are NOT the gold standard, but are The Norm. I love my kids. They each have their own personality, and they are 9, 7, 6 and 4. I feel sorry for CJ, being surrounded with all of these younger kids, but hopefully this summer he'll get to hang out with kids his own age. Josh I have to work with because he'd rather play by himself than deal with other people's shit, so we work on participating in a group and being patient with the other people involved. Julia ..well, girls are sadly in short supply round these parts, so she covets going to play with Payten, at Payten's house so she won't have to share her with her brothers or neighbors. She is very self aware, which is awesome, and I don't worry about her being influenced by other kids as much as I have to look out for that with Jordan. Jordan has spent a good majority of his life watching How Not To Get Into Trouble. It makes me a little bit sad. He hates being disciplined, it hurts him a lot on the inside, but I refuse to take it easy on him just because he's the baby. But he is very moldable- he is a follower and will do what anyone else is doing. This has frustrated my mom, who is condenscending to him for trying to keep up with the older kids, while I encourage it. But he has to remember what is a good choice and a bad choice, as far as what anyone else is doing, and that he can make his own decisions.
But overall, I have great kids. I have never once had a report from school in their time there, I have never heard anything except raving about how well behaved and well liked they are. Which is AWESOME.
But it doesn't mean shit, really.
I was a STAR as a kid. I didn't complain, I didn't want to hear my mom's irritated voice, so I did everything I could to keep Michelle in line (she was such a pain in the ass), and keep the peace. I was great in school. Even when everything went wrong for me, unless you knew what was going on, you would never have known what was going on. Just because my babies are so good right now doesn't mean we aren't going to have our struggles at some point, over something. I know that. We go day by day. CJ has to learn responsibility. So he makes his own breakfasts and lunches and if he forgets, he goes hungry. Not my fault. ;)
Clearly parents only have so much control...especially if you're a working parent and you had to go back to work when they were barely out of the womb- someone else has seen them more than we have. And once they are in school full time, that's the same. Kids come out just how they are. It's our job to help give them guideline and boundries, but you can't make a strong willed child anything different. That's why there are books and books about kids, and their different personalities. They come out how they are.
But that's not to say that what we do or do not do doesn't matter, because it does. Everyone deals with everything differently. I hated school, even though I was "good" and "cute" and had attention (and I was NOT good, and I was eating disordered and had attention for all the wrong reasons, but no one asked, so whatevs). My plan is now, and will remain, that as soon as I think my kids will do better learning one on one from me, they will do that. I don't care if it means quitting a job I have that I'm successful at, there are ALWAYS more ways to make money. CJ I believe, would benefit in learning responsibility by learning at home. I'd help him with it, and then show him the ropes and soon he'd be responsible for his own learning, with me just being a guide. We've got all summer, whoo hooo!
There will always be kids that need more supervison. I have 4 kids, they have grown up with eachother. That alone helps. They are really good kids. But I think they are just normal, and not above and beyond anyone else's.
Now- Jordan gets raging "stomach aches" when he doesn't want to eat something. He's afraid of getting in trouble, because I make the kids eat. I'm THAT mom that raises kids who say "I'll never do THAT to my kids" until they have 3 and find out they don't want to be a short order cook either. I give them a little and they have to eat it. If it's especially horrible to eat, I'll sweeten the deal for them afterwards. Jordan? It has to be different for him. He cries and won't eat. So he just gets to go hungry. The other kids choose to eat and get a treat. But- IRRITATING. "MY TUMMY HURTS!!" makes me want to pack up a bag for him and send him away. My dad saved him last night. He'd fallen asleep in his room after his "tummy ache" hit and he simply couldn't eat more veggies, and away he went to his room. Daddy came over and made him a sandwhich. NAUGHTY.
Have we discussed how much I dislike Easter lately? Wanna? What a stupid f*cking holiday. First of all, it's like Christmas- at some point there was a religious meaning behind it. Now we have a whole slew of Catholics and Christians, who are only so when they want to be so, who pick and choose what parts of it to celebrate. Oh, Good Friday? The schools are closed. How many people will be at church celebrating Good Friday? And why do we have stupid holidays that float? Pick a freaking date and stick with it.
THEN...just like with SANTA (which I'm still telling the kids about this summer.)(At least CJ and Josh...and I'll tell them about the Easter Rabbit too, since they were asking about it yesterday), we dream up some stupid f*cking RABBIT? That hides hard boiled eggs? And baskets full of more sugar and crap that our kids don't need? HAPPY EASTER! Stupidest thing I've ever heard. Makes no sense at all. The religious reasons barely make sense, but that's a whole different topic.
Back to where we came from: Humans (on Earth, on our continent especially) are stupid. :D
Cheers!

Poop

"Sometimes when I poop I get goosebumps" from CJ.

Awesome.

New Idea!

What if everyone stopped pussyfooting around and just said it like it is- and then took action? Can you imagine the things that would get accomplished suddenly? We wouldn't sit around anymore, wringing our hands, saying "what to do, what to do!" We would DO SOMETHING.

Right. Now I have to pick which thing I'm going to do first. I think it's falling into place.

Finish the book.
Buy the RV. Rent an RV SOON is the least I'll tolerate.
Study my realty stuff so I can do that and not do daycare at some point.

There. That wasn't so hard. Your turn. What's got your undies in a proverbial bunch? Why aren't you doing something about it? Mine aren't in a bunch in any way, shape, or form, for that matter. But the itch has me goin, and if could all just stop assuming that the things that go on are all about us, and instead call a spade a spade and then take care of business, it'd probably be best for even the stinkin spade, wouldn't it???

ITCHY ITCHY ITCHY. Maybe a good run tonight will help.
*falls over laughing*
*wipes tear*
That was almost funnier than damnyouautocorrect.

What if it was a tattoo on the back of my neck, just a small one that you could see when my hairs in a pony, which isn't that often? I could get the chinese symbol for HOPE. MFN- are you almost ready to get your tattoo? I might not be able to wait too long though....and I still should let Cullen go first if he wants to.
UGH.
I'll keep trying to "music" it out.

Sponge - Plowed

CAN'T!

1. I can't deal with having more God stuff shoved at me. CAN'T. Why doesn't this DIE????

2. I can't watch the video of Sunday without almost throwing up again. And it is honestly that bad. Me, not the video. I don't think I have actually SEEN the video, other than the still drunk time I watched it. I mean--I get so nervous all over again (MFN--- now I also understand how just thinking about a thing can get you going!) that I can't watch it from a place of calm. What a freakin WUSS! It's OVER WITH. THANK GOD. (did you hear that? Somewhere in the universe that just made someone else decide I should speak in front of people again.) I get to do the webinar over the phone...I think....unless that's just to "talk" about it...wtf.

What's up with everyone killing themselves? In Marshall those two teenagers did it together, and in Little London (??) near there 3 adults did. I don't watch the news for this very reason and STILL this shit finds it's way to my brain. Make it go away!

YAY! I get another new born in September. Not "another"...Julia's teachers baby. YAY! I'm so excited!!! I think. ;) One infant, 2 one year olds, my kids, and neighbor kids after school. Think I'll survive til 5 each day??? :) Cullen wants me to take more kids NOW but I DON'T WANT TO. 2 infants is plenty and it's perfect. I am still mobile right now. i can pack them up and go for a walk, go to the park, go to the zoo. I won't be able to do that come September. Money isn't everything, is it??? Speaking of money, I have a problem. Because renting a RV hasn't happened yet and isn't likely to for a little bit yet, my itch hasn't gone away. There are plenty of them to look at on Craigslist. Do I want some debt? I swear I overheard Cullen saying to MNF last night that he struggles with renting. We're going to have issues then because I don't want to own. I KNOW, RIGHT? I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know. I like knowing we can go. I like unattached. And I hate to say it, but the people who have to deal with me will hate to hear it even more: I can feel IT coming on. It's big. Whatever IT is this time, it's big. And it's going to happen soon. Maybe it's just a little tattoo? God, if it was only that easy.

My nails are holding up extremely well. That's some kick ass top coat. I haven't chipped them yet and I've cleaned dishes a million times, washed floors, done laundry, tackled babies...
Maybe it's my hair. Maybe I'll go cut it all off and color it some funky color. If I could only FEEL what I need to feel, when I think of things to know if that will do it or not.

This morning the kids were eating bacon and eggs and Josh announces: "CJ has reading club tomorrow." CJ has reading club on Tuesdays and Thursdays, as a matter of fact. It started last week and his shit for brains mom couldn't remember on Tuesday or Thursday to get his ass out the door on time. I leaped over the counter to kiss Josh and said "NO! Baby, good, thank you! He has it TODAY!!! Today is only Tuesday! It's today!" Then....I looked at the clock. 7:51am. I shout at CJ "GO BABY! YOU GOTTA GO!!!" and he leaps down, runs to get his backpack and stuff together. I threw his eggs and bacon into a baggie for him and sent him off. We live 2 minutes from the school at a run, so he was going to get there in time. He left at 7:54am.

At 8:45am Josh and Julia leave. Josh says "We are hot lunch today, right Mom?" I let them pick one hot lunch as week since that shit is $3.50 per lunch and I'm NOT having my kids throw away any of that money. Sweet, says me. Yes. It's Tuesday and you have hot lunch today. Have a good day. Love you. Off they went.
I grab my planner to see what I'm forgetting. It's 10:30ish. Well, lookit that shit. It says right here on my trusty planner that CJ and Josh have hot lunch TOMORROW. NOT TODAY. GODDAMMIT. So I throw together some lunches for them. After a short discussion with Jordan, who hates getting left in the van about getting left in the van with the babies in their infant car seats, it was decided that we'd WALK up to the school. He was adamant about not being left in the van, and I was adamant that I was not going to haul him plus two infant carriers into the school. Caiden has nothing to wear outside. He wore Jordan's sweatshirt and hat. SO CUTE, swimming in them. Adalane has her pink snowsuit here. We walked the 4 houses to the school, and dropped off lunches and came home. Did lunch, Mom came over, babies went down for a nap, Julia AND Jordan went to play at Chuckies house.

Guess what I just got? "Thanks so much for bringing their lunches up....but they were both hot lunch today. "

I give the hell up.

Death Cab for Cutie

I want to live where soul meets body,
And let the sun wrap its arms around me,
And bathe my skin in

water cool and cleansing, And feel, feel what it's like to be new, 'Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station, Where I send my thoughts to far-off destinations. So they may have a chance of finding a place where, They're far more suited than here. BAda-bada ba-bah bada ba-ba bada ba-bah bada ba-ba bada-ba bada bada-bah I cannot guess what we'll discover, When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels, But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's, And not one speck will remain. And I do believe it's true that there are roads left in both of our shoes, But if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too. So brown eyes I hold you near, 'cause you're the only song I want to hear A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere. Where soul meets body. Where soul meets body. Where soul meets body. And I do believe it's true that there are roads left in both of our shoes, But if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too. So brown eyes I hold you near, 'cause you're the only song I want to hear A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere. A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere. A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.

Stop For a Minute

Keane

Some days, feels my soul has left my body
Feel I'm floating high above me
Like I'm looking down upon me

Start sinking, every time I get to thinking
It's easier to keep on moving
Never stop to let the truth in

Sometimes I feel like it's all been done
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
Sometimes I wanna change everything I've ever done
Too tired to fight and yet too scared to run

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe

I feel like a thief who has no faith
Maybe more than by the grade
Of the drugs you took that day

Sinking in the pain he's been inflicting
Yet he's feeling like the victim
Just a horoscope's to blame

Sometimes I feel like a little lost child
Sometimes I feel like the chosen one
Sometimes I wanna shout out 'til everything goes quiet
Sometimes I wonder why I was ever born

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things really I don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you a I'm child and so wherever you go
I will follow

(rap)
One... yeah...
And

baby you are just beautiful from crown to your cuticles
You held down my two sons, you never frown when duty calls
You know me, I gave you more than you can handle
But you still keep a handle on it, even when I take something beautiful and vandal on it
No more females? Well how come my emails got notes on a scandal
It's like Eve with the apple,
A priest in the chapel
Overcome by the devil's tackle
I'm still shackling the bad til I know

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know

So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene

And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe

Suzanne's Dad

Suzanne's dad just had his 80th birthday party. It was just a family thing, and they were to each give him something that was made personal because really, what does an 80 year old who has money NEED? Nothing.
One of the brothers went through and found all the old newspaper articles about him and his career. None of them really knew what went on because they were all just kids back then. Well, check this guy out.

He was in college, and at that time if you were in college, you weren't eligible for the draft. So he dropped out of college. He didn't think it was right to be excluded. And then he got drafted and served in the Korean War.
He then went to work at Super Valu. He started as a bagger, and worked his way up until he was VP of the whole operation. He is, to this day, the only former or current employee who has ever achieved that level within the company without a college degree. (don't get me started on how stupid it is to need a degree). Isn't he awesome?
One of my favorite pictures at Suzanne's house is of her father with her grandpa. I wish you could see it, I love his face, the look on his face....from what I know it wasn't easy growing up with him as a dad, for whatever reason--but fences are being mended and healing is going on and it seems like everything is really good. Good for him.
Speaking of Suzanne, it is SO FUNNY. She has known me since I was TWELVE YEARS OLD. I have known her son since before he was even born. I have known him his whole life. They have literally watched me grow up. And yet, they only know a little part of me. Isn't that weird? I don't hold much back (we don't discuss politics or religion, but those aren't unusual topics to leave alone) but yet little things that I do shock them somehow. The things that Cullen or my parents or you would just not even acknowledge because you expect them, they somehow surprise Suzanne. Little things. She asked what I wore Sunday night and I told her that I was cute, black pants, summery tank, sweater, girled up. She was floored that I called myself cute. ?! WHAT?! Really? Clearly I have days that are better than others, and of COURSE I was going to be super cute that night. Weird.

YES!

Thanks, Drew!

http://techcrunch.com/2011/04/10/peter-thiel-were-in-a-bubble-and-its-not-the-internet-its-higher-education/

LIKE! I know I'm probably in the minority. But I'm in GOOD COMPANY anyway!

Cute babies

The rablerousers are starting to wake up.
My babies are so cute.
Rick/Fed Ex does the March of Dimes fundraiser every year. Cullen wanted to participate. Cullen went to Sam's Club, and Cullen bought an assload of candybars. No, I don't know why I'm talking like that. I'm irritating me as much as you. My cute babies went out on the corner and sold $54 worth of candy bars ($1 each). The neighbors probably had $10 of that (thank you, MFN and MNFN --my NOT favorite neighbor, hahahah). Then they went to my mom's and promptly sold another $34 worth! They are so cute!!!!! They feel special about who they are doing it for because 3 of them were preemies, although only one was TRULY a preemie (deemed as such because she was 33 weeks and the only one that I didn't kick out on purpose) (yes, I know. In mommy hell right from the very beginning. I know.)

They are so cute!

AND I'm still a girl!

Amazing, right? hehe.
I was having a mini meltdown on Saturday. We went to Nick's bday party and Cullen was spending an abnormal amount of time on the phone, and he was getting more and more frustrated. We left to go to dinner, and he spat "Today has been a f*cking disaster!" This was news to me as I was enjoying the day just fine. He told me that he'd planned a day out for me on Sunday, before the NKF thing, to have my hair and nails done, but he was stuck because they couldn't get me in for a color until 1:00, which was going to be too late, so it was just a haircut, and my sister was going with. He was going to clean Suzanne's house for me and everything. That's when it happened. I started crying because I don't want a haircut.
Here he set up this whole thing, and he called the girl back to pay for Michelle and I's stuff and I'm in the background howling (it's true, she heard me) "I DON'T WANT A HAIRCUT!!!!! until he hung up the phone with her, totally and completely frustrated with me. I don't want a massage, I don't want a haircut, I didn't want (i totally wrote "wank" hehehe) my makeup done. Then I was scared that it all meant that I'm not really a girl anymore. What girl has a fit when her husband sets up a day at the salon for her??????
I got him to cancel the makeup and haircut finally.
I did realize that I just didn't want anything new before a big event. Some girls probably like that, but the whole night felt hard enough because it was full of attention I didn't need, and I just wanted to feel and look like *me*. Not some fancier version, but just plain ole Nicki Hayes. Then I felt better. I'm still a girl.
Michelle and I went and got our nails done instead. Mine are holding up well so far. Not even one chip in my pretty red nails. My fingers feel "funny" though. I'm so not used to having my nails painted anymore. It's so interesting, listening to the women in there. Every 3 weeks, come in for a fill. Every 2 weeks, in for a mani. What people choose to spend their money on...I suppose if it makes them happy that's all that matters, but funny!
Okay, I have the serious itch to move. It's almost irresistable now. I think we have to stay here til October, and Cullen is still putting me off somewhat in case Kimmy needs us to save the house that I don't know if I'd like...actually, I think it'd be fine, but I don't want to have to stay here for another full year if Mike stays in the house for awhile, you know? OR maybe I just need a few RV trips to escape from here. Maybe it's the FUCKING FORECAST that's making me want to leave here forever. I hate this stupid state. I had to unpack all the winter crap. It's ridiculous. It's NOT okay and I DON'T WANT TO DO IT FOR ANOTHER YEAR.
My cyst hurts.
I caved and made coffee today, lest you think I'm made of steel. But i haven't bought salt or butter yet, and we'll be eating lots of veggies today. I'll have tomato caprese for lunch, please and thank you.
Last night I ate DUCK, for the first time. Heather was just freaking out about how good it was. And how cute the chef was. Because it was going to make her so happy, we went and got some duck. I told the chef "Rumor 'round the block is that this is the best thing in the whole room!" The other chef there liked that alot, and the one who served me knew instantly who it was that said it. "Short girl, spitfire, long brown curly hair?" HA! Heather liked that even more. So funny. Quack. It tasted just fine, or was it the wine?
Matt and Sommer are awesome too. He has a new job and will be travelling a lot. They've got 3 kids, 3 and under. I will have to see if she wants to get the kids together and go out and do something.
There's a donor event in May at the U, I think. And I have the webinar coming up.
Everyone looks so familiar all the time. I think I've been here before.