Freedom is saying I'm Sorry

Are you good at saying I'm sorry?
It's not always easy to do it. In fact, sometimes it's really scary. It makes us vulnerable in a way: whoever we said sorry to now has the opportunity to step on us. Not accept it, and launch into how horrible we are for whatever we said sorry for in the first place. Then there are the people out there who really just don't think they ever do anything to say sorry for.
I think that I'm okay with saying sorry. Sometimes it comes far too late (JLA you come to mind), and I'm sure there are people I should say sorry to that I haven't even considered- and let it be known to the Universe, that I am sorry to anyone I hurt unintentionally. And even more sorry to the people I hurt on purpose.
There were 3 people in particular, from "back then" that it seemed to me I should apologize to. One was a boy that I dated for al ittle while. Again, I was already a wreck when I started dating him, and he was perfectly sweet. There was no attraction there on my part, but he was so nice when I was used to dealing with such jackasses. I was no where near being done being a complete teenage idiot girl at that time, and I ended it with him. I don't think he was crushed or anything, but at the same time, I felt bad for what could have happened. Is that the dumbest thing in the whole world? To top it off, I barely remember anything because most of my focus was on trying to get the hell out of my body by making it disappear. I said I was sorry to him. I admitted that it probably seemed silly that I was apologizing, but that I wanted to anyway. He accepted. That was awhile ago.
There's a big one I need to do. This was a girlfriend. She was my best friend. What wasn't fair was that she didn't know me at all. She knew I was eating disordered but she didn't know anything else- she didn't know about any of the boys, she didn't know anything, and in the end, I was horrible to her. I was the FUN ONE and one of the boys that she liked liked me instead, and I let him. I apologized to her then, I apologized to her later. I really am sorry. Really, really sorry. I don't know if it's worth apologizing to her again now, years later. She is married with kids now also, so maybe she's older now too and can see things a little differently? I don't need her to like me, I just want her to understand that *I* understand what a horrible friend I was. And that I'm sorry.
The one I did today might be the biggest though. I looked my biggest fear ...well, one of them , in the face, and I apologized. If you look at the time frame that I was entangled in this mess, a lot of it would look like I had nothing to apologize for, and that in fact *he* was at fault for so much. And he was, absolutely. BUT- I was a mess when we started, and this thing had disaster written all over it from the beginning. Here's the thing- my life is awesome. I conquered an eating disorder, I conquered an abusive relationship, I DID NOT kill myself over any of it, and I went on to find out that I am indeed just as awesome as I knew I was on the inside. The very prince that I wrote about showed up. And I AM worthy. PHOENIX! I rose from the destruction, even if it was my own doing- to shine. I do not require an apology from him. I understand why he was the way he was/is(?), and I'm only sorry that I was such a mess that I was worthless to him. I only caused more issues instead of being of help. I've been afraid of him for years and years. I've "forgiven" him in my head over and over. Sometimes, something "little" happens and I have a reaction from back then. That's insane. But anyway--- I did it. I apologized.

Hey Nicki. No need to apologize for anything. I wasn't without fault myself. What can we say we were young. I don't regret anything and I hope you don't either. I'm glad you were able to get threw it and find happiness, I hear you have a beautiful family. By the way whoever told you I was grown up is a LIAR! Hahaha! Take care. JB


There. All done. I don't want anything. I don't want or need to be friends. I don't want or need to know what's gone on with him more than I already know (divorced...no kids). I didn't actually need him to respond either, but he did. And now, just maybe maybe maybe, when those moments sneak up where for whatever reason I'm reminded of something from that time, maybe I won't feel like throwing up.

*washing hands clean*

And DDF: i don't even want to hear about it. I won't be seeing him out and about, I won't be talking to him, and I still feel just a little bit like puking right now. You don't have to high five me for doing it, but I'll high five myself. But thanks anyway, since this isn't something I can talk to Cullen about.