What *AM* I!

Besides horribly overly sensitive today. Of my own doing, by putting myself so far out there and having no real way of protecting myself from the hurt and rejection that can come. But I'm trying.
So now I'm hoovering in this highly sensitive state and every little thing that people say hurt me.
As you know, "they" are still trying to "save" me, so I had to get a little more firm about the fact that I DON'T NEED SAVING. LEAVE ME ALONE. Then my older sister said I'm crazy again. She says it all the time. I know- *I* say it all the time...but I say it in order to save you from having to call me names. If I just go ahead and take the dive, we'll all be on the same page and it's fine. Plus, I can get away with more.
But it is harder to take from certain people. She's one of them. She's the beautiful one, and I mean it- she's stunning. Chronically 25 looking, and she's always put together perfectly, and she's a sweet southern belle. She's my polar opposite. She's also hugely Christian and it's very good to her and for her but the whole thing about me being crazy and doing what actual Christians wouldn't think twice about doing...and calling me crazy for some of it ....well.....it gets me sometimes. I don't believe in hell. Hitler is in heaven. Debate me on it if you want to. I have found a way to "forgive" him. I can see how he's in heaven. I understand. Isn't that what religions preach? But they make it "okay" by providing a place for the "unforgiveables"- hell. We can forgive because we believe they'll "get theirs" someday anyway. That's not real forgiveness. I love you so much that I'll do anything and I mean it. I'll do whatever I can, however I can. And while most everyone around me thinks I'm stupid for not buying salt or butter and not drinking creamer...BITE ME. I'm better for it, and so are my kids and husband. You can't get around the fact that when that big can of creamer is gone it's because your body has processed all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. I don't care what anyone else does. I slather the butter on when we're out eating and I MAKE OUT with it. I don't care. And I know, I know, I KNOW- I put myself out there. I stand naked and let people judge me. That's what you get here, all the time. Naked Nicki. And no one is trying to hurt my feelings. They just seperate themselves from me by saying that I am crazy so they don't have to look at any of the things they say and do, they don't have to go ALL THE WAY in the ways that make them uncomfortable. It's okay.

See? HIGHLY SENSITIVE. And it's my OWN DOING.
I should start to get ready for all the possible outcomes of the Big Nicki Dangling I did, the really scary, spontaneous, STUPID one.
Absolutely NOTHING (that I'll see) might happen. Regardless of what I see, I know that things will "happen", but I might not see or hear about it. That's okay. I could be happiest with that. How's that for an ostrich?
May 12th is a donor event put on by the U. There was another chain that happened right after ours, a smaller one. It's at the Radisson on Washington and I do NOT have to speak at it. YAY! I can just go and have fun, and celebrate. Plus it's really awesome to hang with other "crazy" people now and then.
Oh yeah, back to the possibilities.
I could get a positive response back. I don't know what it looks like, and I am not really looking for that, but that would be better than...
getting kicked in the face. And that probably won't happen, but could.
Know what's funny/a tad insane? DDF was in my head, before I let loose on my little spontaneous adventure. I might be worse than DDF in that sense. He was being perfectly rational and bashing me for being an idiot. And I quote "Why would do even do that? Who cares? You don't care. You're just going to freak out about it later and it'll be your own fault." See? See how smart he is? And I said to DDF in no uncertain terms, "This is not about ME. I will freak out. It will be my fault. We have no idea how I've affected things thus far, and this little doing of mine is only meant to cause good for the other. If you had the power to cause good for another who might really need it, wouldn't you do it?" He rolled his eyes at me.Because he LOVES ME ANYWAY and was very thankful that he gets to come and go as he pleases so he doesn't have to deal with me full time.
Yup, certifiable.