CAN'T!

1. I can't deal with having more God stuff shoved at me. CAN'T. Why doesn't this DIE????

2. I can't watch the video of Sunday without almost throwing up again. And it is honestly that bad. Me, not the video. I don't think I have actually SEEN the video, other than the still drunk time I watched it. I mean--I get so nervous all over again (MFN--- now I also understand how just thinking about a thing can get you going!) that I can't watch it from a place of calm. What a freakin WUSS! It's OVER WITH. THANK GOD. (did you hear that? Somewhere in the universe that just made someone else decide I should speak in front of people again.) I get to do the webinar over the phone...I think....unless that's just to "talk" about it...wtf.

What's up with everyone killing themselves? In Marshall those two teenagers did it together, and in Little London (??) near there 3 adults did. I don't watch the news for this very reason and STILL this shit finds it's way to my brain. Make it go away!

YAY! I get another new born in September. Not "another"...Julia's teachers baby. YAY! I'm so excited!!! I think. ;) One infant, 2 one year olds, my kids, and neighbor kids after school. Think I'll survive til 5 each day??? :) Cullen wants me to take more kids NOW but I DON'T WANT TO. 2 infants is plenty and it's perfect. I am still mobile right now. i can pack them up and go for a walk, go to the park, go to the zoo. I won't be able to do that come September. Money isn't everything, is it??? Speaking of money, I have a problem. Because renting a RV hasn't happened yet and isn't likely to for a little bit yet, my itch hasn't gone away. There are plenty of them to look at on Craigslist. Do I want some debt? I swear I overheard Cullen saying to MNF last night that he struggles with renting. We're going to have issues then because I don't want to own. I KNOW, RIGHT? I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know. I like knowing we can go. I like unattached. And I hate to say it, but the people who have to deal with me will hate to hear it even more: I can feel IT coming on. It's big. Whatever IT is this time, it's big. And it's going to happen soon. Maybe it's just a little tattoo? God, if it was only that easy.

My nails are holding up extremely well. That's some kick ass top coat. I haven't chipped them yet and I've cleaned dishes a million times, washed floors, done laundry, tackled babies...
Maybe it's my hair. Maybe I'll go cut it all off and color it some funky color. If I could only FEEL what I need to feel, when I think of things to know if that will do it or not.

This morning the kids were eating bacon and eggs and Josh announces: "CJ has reading club tomorrow." CJ has reading club on Tuesdays and Thursdays, as a matter of fact. It started last week and his shit for brains mom couldn't remember on Tuesday or Thursday to get his ass out the door on time. I leaped over the counter to kiss Josh and said "NO! Baby, good, thank you! He has it TODAY!!! Today is only Tuesday! It's today!" Then....I looked at the clock. 7:51am. I shout at CJ "GO BABY! YOU GOTTA GO!!!" and he leaps down, runs to get his backpack and stuff together. I threw his eggs and bacon into a baggie for him and sent him off. We live 2 minutes from the school at a run, so he was going to get there in time. He left at 7:54am.

At 8:45am Josh and Julia leave. Josh says "We are hot lunch today, right Mom?" I let them pick one hot lunch as week since that shit is $3.50 per lunch and I'm NOT having my kids throw away any of that money. Sweet, says me. Yes. It's Tuesday and you have hot lunch today. Have a good day. Love you. Off they went.
I grab my planner to see what I'm forgetting. It's 10:30ish. Well, lookit that shit. It says right here on my trusty planner that CJ and Josh have hot lunch TOMORROW. NOT TODAY. GODDAMMIT. So I throw together some lunches for them. After a short discussion with Jordan, who hates getting left in the van about getting left in the van with the babies in their infant car seats, it was decided that we'd WALK up to the school. He was adamant about not being left in the van, and I was adamant that I was not going to haul him plus two infant carriers into the school. Caiden has nothing to wear outside. He wore Jordan's sweatshirt and hat. SO CUTE, swimming in them. Adalane has her pink snowsuit here. We walked the 4 houses to the school, and dropped off lunches and came home. Did lunch, Mom came over, babies went down for a nap, Julia AND Jordan went to play at Chuckies house.

Guess what I just got? "Thanks so much for bringing their lunches up....but they were both hot lunch today. "

I give the hell up.