Trusting Me

I'm such a funny duck.
There's two parts that go into this. I'll start with the ME part first. I have always felt like I'm not "getting" *it*--like there is something that the rest of the world knows that I didn't get the memo on. I think we've discussed this before. It leaves me wide open for all sorts of practical jokes. It's a strange feeling, especially since I feel like I can see people better than they see themselves, ya know? It really just feels like I am so focused on my own little world, that I miss EVERYTHING that goes on "out there".

The other part is that back when Cullen and I were young and didn't have any children, there were many things that we said we would do differently as we watched the people around us. There are a few things in particular that we named, like that we would ALWAYS have a bedtime for them (which we do unless it's a fun night and they get to stay up too). Or that they would be disciplined and we would follow through (we are at about 91% on that one). Or that we will always put ourselves and our relationship first and make sure we go away at least once a year just by ourselves (100% on that one!). There were other things that we found out happen no matter WHAT you do, that you CANNOT stop. The only way to learn those things though, was by experiencing them ourselves.

The same thing goes with being married or in a long term relationship. There were things that I said I would not let change no matter how many children we had or old we got together. I have learned more about me than the kids have learned being here, for sure. Things like that stages are seriously that- just a stage. I don't need a stroller to go to the zoo now. That stage is (blessfully!) over. Being woken up in the middle of the night by anyone rarely happens anymore, that was just a stage. I sometimes sleep until 8am when the kids are awake and let CJ serve waffles or cereal, or start the pancake batter for me.

I've been reading things from people who don't have that many kids, or haven't been together this long, and figured "BINGO!!!! I'll get a reminder of the things I said I wouldn't stop doing, and I can revive what I've let go!" Which is a noble thought, right? Our anniversary is coming up, which is a reminder of how far we've come and how much we've conquered, of our strength. But what I found happening is that some of what I picked up didn't make any sense to me. I don't see a spot in our relationship or life for some of it, it doesn't fit with us, or for us. I needed to examine if I was just being a lazy ass or if it was just true- we've grown up and out of some of the things held near and dear when we were so young in our life together. You can normally tell when this is the case when you're thinking about a thing, and you have a slightly horrified frozen on your face. That is a sign. To trust yourself. I needed to trust myself. Of course, I have the sweetest husband in the whole wide world, who happens to know me inside out, who can call a spade when he sees one. I learn something new every day. From now on, if I read something that makes me wonder if I've forgotten to care about, and my gut says "Totally not applicable" I'll just go with it. And I get points for caring. The divorce rate is high enough that it should scare the pants off of everyone who has been together for any amount of time. And I am going to (have been, in fact) making sure that it's not going to be because I have become negligent of Cullen and his sexual needs, no sir! Turns out that relationships are way bigger than sex, which I already knew, although it's Important. Alls well that ends well, and we have plenty of happy endings here, thanks.
Julia is SO FUNNY! Probably 2 years ago when we lived in the townhouse, the boxelder bugs were out in force. I have no problem with them, they tickle when they crawl on you, relatively small, whatever. I name things in order to make them not icky to the kids sometimes (which is why my tarantula is named Willow). Jordan wanted to know what the boxelder was, so I told him that it's a boxelder bug, and his name is Roger. For some reason, that stuck, and t/he/y call boxelders Roger.
Yesterday Julia comes running up to me saying "Mommy! One of the Rogers woke up!!!" and it just cracked me up. Then she called downstairs "Chuckie! Come see Roger!" I almost don't want to correct them, but I'm going to have to soon.
Speaking of kids- remember the day yours was born? Isn't it incredible how much you love them? People can tell you all they want before you have them, how amazing of a feeling it is to have your heart blow open that way, and you will Never. Ever. Be. The. Same. and you think "yeah, yeah, I know, I'll love this baby" and then it happens to you and you look around, you look at the person you had the baby with in the first place and think "And I thought that I loved YOU...." and for the first time in your entire life you can understand unconditional love. *dreamy*