Have To

I have no where else to put this. I'm sad about that, too. I could make up a totally secret blog that only I have, I suppose.
I thought I'd put it on the sex blog, because I don't know those people really, but I'm rather a buzz kill there since them the one who's married for 14 years and has 4 kids and it's just different.

I wish I didn't have to put a million disclaimers on this, but I am going to. Cullen is fantastic. In almost every single aspect. He is a little (hehe) overprotective but he's great. Who woke up to their husbands on Sunday saying this to them?
"What time did you go to bed?" (we fell asleep on the couch together)
"At 1. You woke up too and said you were coming. You never made it."
"Funny. The last thing I remember was playing with your hair and watching your face, and then suddenly it was 4am and you weren't there!"
And that's real. I hear that kind of stuff all the time. Can I stop now?

Obligatory Sex.
I've noticed a bigger swing between pre o and post o. That's ovulation for those of you who's lives never revolved around it and having to chart your cycles. I'm WAY WAY more interested in it before hand than after. That's the "norm" for everyone, but I have noticed the difference is getting to be MORE. I may go into early menopause due to the hyst, even though I have my ovaries, so I might be more aware of it due to that? I don't know.
I'm WAY post o. We go from 3 or 4 times a week to 1, maybe 2 --come on, it's for 2 flippin weeks and I don't bleed, so we jump right back into GIDDYUP. Understand?
He gets unbearable if we don't do it often enough. Only he doesn't just want quickies, he wants me to WANT IT. Well, fuck me, if I had that switch it'd be ON all the time, you know? Hello! Last night I was made aware that he really, really needed it. It had been awhile since "the real thing" (not a quickie) so I showered, and i SAID "let's make out and see what happens"....this might not be "fair" to the guy, because they will end up hard, hornier and with blue balls anyway. So I go in knowing I'll be having sex no matter what. the most irritating thing in the world to me is a pouting boy who just won't take care of it himself.
So at some point, pre actual sex, I asked him to PLEASE STOP, please just come have sex with me, please, I didn't like it or want it and TO ME there is NOTHING ELSE more irritating than when my body is forced to go through the motions. This is how boys can be raped, and why they are so confused about it- if you touch them enough, they will respond. They can't HELP IT. Our bodies send the blood, and it happens. At some point after you make that happen, it will start to feel semi good. Your head can be screaming "I. DON'T. WANT. TO. DO. THIS." but your body is saying "Here we are. Let's go." Girl bodies are the same way.
I was so mad at him. I asked him to STOP. 2 times. I could have gotten up out of bed, I could have pushed him away and got mad out loud right then, but I didn't. I didn't want to have THIS argument or "discussion" (Is there anything to discuss? When I say NO, RESPECT IT GODDAMMIT!) that way. I don't want it to be a big blown up thing, I need to say it nicely, quietly, with as little drama as possible. I'm good at crawling into my head when things I don't like are happening to me, so I crawled in, and soon enough it was done.
So I have to figure out how to have this sensitive conversation with him. He's the MOST SENSITIVE PERSON TO EVER LIFE. You thought it was ME, but it's actually him. You wouldn't know it from looking at him, he looks like a typical male, and he doesn't let people in, but when you're in, you find out that especially these things REALLY matter to him.
SIGH.

I have a blue kitchen and a new floor (for $100 on craigslist, btw.) and it's beautiful. I have touch ups to do, but it's Monday now. I also begged off my conversation with Betty, who was put up to email me about religion by my father in law. Cullen had a very rough day with his dad yesterday, and we were the target of many put downs by him. I was so mad that I emailed him. That felt good. Then I emailed Betty to send her my love and my thanks for being great, but told her that due to the circumstances surrounding the conversation, I just didn't feel like having it anymore, but that if I did, I'd be back.

And soon my daycare kids will be here. I get up early for Ethan. She just text me that they are late. I could have still been sleeping...

Oh well. The coffee is done, and this I'm ready for a little kick in the pants.
Happy Monday!